Joke thread
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flying haggis
Established Member
John Brown
Freeloading Social media influenza
Well let's see here, as my grandson says...
According to a longstanding chum of mine, there is no standard size for a football field ( providing the aliens are referring to association football - I can't speak for the so-called gridiron game).
Yes, I know... Dissecting a frog again...
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J-G
Established Member
I scream that at the TV or Radio every time it's used - makes my blood boil !
Robbo3
Established Member
Lawns
GOD to ST. FRANCIS :
Frank , ... You know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet?
What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago?
I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan.
Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colours by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.
St. FRANCIS:
It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites.
They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
GOD:
Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colourful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms.
It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?
ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green.
They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
GOD:
The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.
GOD:
They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS:
Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
GOD:
They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
ST. FRANCIS:
No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
GOD:
Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
ST. FRANCIS:
Yes, Sir.
GOD:
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat.
That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
ST. FRANCIS:
You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
GOD:
What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees.
That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself.
The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer.
In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.
ST. FRANCIS:
You better sit down, Lord.
The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.
GOD:
No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?
ST. FRANCIS:
After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.
GOD:
And where do they get this mulch?
ST. FRANCIS:
They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
GOD:
Enough! I don't want to think about this any more.
St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts..
What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?
CATHERINE:
'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....
GOD:
Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
GOD to ST. FRANCIS :
Frank , ... You know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet?
What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago?
I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan.
Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colours by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.
St. FRANCIS:
It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites.
They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
GOD:
Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colourful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms.
It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?
ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green.
They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
GOD:
The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.
GOD:
They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS:
Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
GOD:
They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
ST. FRANCIS:
No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
GOD:
Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
ST. FRANCIS:
Yes, Sir.
GOD:
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat.
That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
ST. FRANCIS:
You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
GOD:
What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees.
That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself.
The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer.
In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.
ST. FRANCIS:
You better sit down, Lord.
The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.
GOD:
No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?
ST. FRANCIS:
After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.
GOD:
And where do they get this mulch?
ST. FRANCIS:
They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
GOD:
Enough! I don't want to think about this any more.
St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts..
What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?
CATHERINE:
'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....
GOD:
Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
John Brown
Freeloading Social media influenza
J-G
Established Member
Sorry - I thought that would be obvious 
-- The fact that there is no STANDARD size for an FA playing area. There are limits but not a specified size, so the comparison is meaningless.
-- The fact that there is no STANDARD size for an FA playing area. There are limits but not a specified size, so the comparison is meaningless.John Brown
Freeloading Social media influenza
Ok. I see.Sorry - I thought that would be obvious
On the other hand, you couldn't reasonably expect aliens to know that. They would conceivably have gleaned a lot of their knowledge from terrestrial television and radio broadcasts. Even if they had happened to observe you screaming at the television, which you'd have to admit is pretty unlikely, they probably wouldn't have guessed the reason.
So, in summary, I think the joke still works well, and I apologize for bringing up the subject of non-standardized pitches.
J-G
Established Member
No apology needed - incorrect - even poor - information should be pointed out whenever it is noticed 
How many readers have been enlightened by the knowledge you've brought to the fore?
To be clear, I can't abide football - the next match I go to will be the first (I'll be 80 in December)
How many readers have been enlightened by the knowledge you've brought to the fore?
To be clear, I can't abide football - the next match I go to will be the first (I'll be 80 in December)
Terry - Somerset
Established Member
It's not the pitches that are different sizes. It merely looks thus - but in fact it is the players who are different sizes!
Phil Pascoe
Established Member
How many could you get in the length of Wales?
stuart little
Established Member
How big is an Olympic swim pool?
flying haggis
Established Member
AES
Established Member
Just to really infuriate a poster above (about football fields), I use the analogy "about as long as 3 football fields end to end" in my new "job" of describing airships (the Hindenburg in this case). The reason I do this,. especially as we are "only" looking at models and photographs, is that I think it enables people to imagine a size much more easily than saying "245 Metres" or "804 feet".
And BTW, like another poster above, I too have "minus zero interest" in football (of whatever type) and when looking the "fact" up to be sure I found that while it's true that there's no single exact length (or width) for a football pitch, FIFA (or whoever's website I looked up, I forget) DOES actually specify both a max and a min for both the length and the width of a football pitch. It's a fairly large tolerance I agree (I forget what the numbers given were, but 3 of them are about 804 feet long!!!), but I do believe it helps a lot of people to "picture in their minds" pretty big but "difficult" numbers like the above. So regardless of your spitting blood or not Sir, I shall continue to use it. It's a bit like the busses also often referred to - they vary too, but I bet there are some laid down maxes and probably mins too. So better keep a bucket handy mate!
This is getting pretty serious for a jokes page isn't it? (But what really INFURIATES me is people saying/writing "very unique")!
So just to add to "the fun", just like Turnr77 above, I don't understand the joke he's referring to either!
And BTW, like another poster above, I too have "minus zero interest" in football (of whatever type) and when looking the "fact" up to be sure I found that while it's true that there's no single exact length (or width) for a football pitch, FIFA (or whoever's website I looked up, I forget) DOES actually specify both a max and a min for both the length and the width of a football pitch. It's a fairly large tolerance I agree (I forget what the numbers given were, but 3 of them are about 804 feet long!!!), but I do believe it helps a lot of people to "picture in their minds" pretty big but "difficult" numbers like the above. So regardless of your spitting blood or not Sir, I shall continue to use it. It's a bit like the busses also often referred to - they vary too, but I bet there are some laid down maxes and probably mins too. So better keep a bucket handy mate!
This is getting pretty serious for a jokes page isn't it? (But what really INFURIATES me is people saying/writing "very unique")!
So just to add to "the fun", just like Turnr77 above, I don't understand the joke he's referring to either!
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Not forgetting the larger unit of measurement 'Wales'. Can anybody care to work out how many football fields make one Wales?
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