Joke thread

[Cozzer]

An Englishman, Scotsman, Irishman, Welshman, Ghurka, Latvian, Turk, Aussie, Kiwi, German, Yank, South African, Cypriot, Egyptian, Jap, Mexican, Spaniard, Russian, Pole, Lithuanian, Swede, Finn, Israeli, Dane, Romanian, Bulgarian, Serb, Swiss, Greek, Italian, Norwegian, Libyan, Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist and Ethiopian went to a night club.


The doorman refused them entry - he couldn't let them in without a Thai.

 

[Ithica]

A quiche went into a pub and ordered a pint of bitter and a ham sandwich. The barman said 'Sorry, we don't serve food here'.

 

[Stan]

> ET goes into a pub and walks up to the bar.

ET: Half a lager and a packet of crisps please.

Barman: Sorry sir we don't serve aliens here.

ET: Huh ( walks out in disgust ).

> Further down the road is another pub, so he decides to give it a try. He goes up to the bar.

ET: (politely) Half a lager and a packet of crisps please.

Barman: (angrily) Can't you read?

> The barman points up to a sign behind the bar written in large unfriendly letters, which clearly says "NO ALIENS SERVED HERE". ET stomps out in a right mood. After walking around for a bit in the cool evening air to moderate his anger, he decides to try another pub. He goes in and walks up to speak to the barman, who is busy.

ET: ( interrupts ) Look! I know what you're going to say. You're going to tell me that aliens are not allowed. But if you just let me have a quiet drink in a corner somewhere, it will be drinks on me for everyone all night.

Barman: Certainly sir. How can I help you?

ET: Half a lager and a packet of crisps please.

> The barman serves ET, who then spends the next couple of hours in a corner quietly enjoying his drink. The rest of the pub is a near riot, however. As word gets round people come flooding in and are drinking like there is no tomorrow! At closing time the pub starts to empty, with rowdy and happy people mixing together. The barman comes up to ET flicking through a very long till receipt.

Barman: Thank you very much sir. That will be £15,455 and 27p please.

> ET reaches into a hidden pocket and pulls out a strange object the size of a box of matches. It looks like a cube that slowly morphs into other shapes and back again. While doing so, it glistens and goes through various pastel shades. He offers the object to the barman.

ET: No problem. Have you got change of a glonk?

Barman: ( clenches teeth )......

 

[JobandKnock]

Your starter for 10 where is this from, " don’t look Ethel , but it was too late she's already been incensed."

"Oh, yes, they call him the Streak
- fastest thing on two feet..."

Haven't heard Ray Stevens in a while, but I do recall there being a bit of an epidemic of that sort of thing at the time of the song...

 

[Stan]

While on the above subject --

Two old ladies were sitting in deck chairs on the beach when a streaker ran past. One had a stroke ...

.....the other couldn't reach.

 

[mikej460]

 

[daftdog]

A motorist careers across four lanes of traffic mounts the payment smashes through the pub door and comes to rest against the bar and asks the barman for a large whisky, The bar says your dunk already you should be reported for drunk and disorderly.
Is he liable for prosecution?


A only if he has his car with him

 

[Cozzer]

I knew my business colleague was a bit of a wild one, so I got quite worried when I heard that we were both being sent to Bangkok for a seminar, and especially when I heard we were going to share a twin room.
He'd certainly got an eye for the ladies.
Unmarried and with absolutely no morals or conscience, it was a case of "if it's got a pulse, it's fair game..."
We split up after the hotel check-in, and I went for a local walk-about.
Some hours later, I returned to the hotel room to find him lounging about, totally naked and obviously aroused, with 3 barely-dressed local girls giggling on the other side of the room.
"Jezza!", I snapped,"what the hell are you doing?! The official welcome dinner's tonight, and we've got to get suited and booted!"
"It's OK pal", he replied, "I'm just trying to decide which Thai to put on...."

 

[nickds1]

Two prawns were swimming around in the sea. One called Justin and the other called Kristian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Kristian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten".
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted".

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old friend.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old chums simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin gradually realised that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam to Kristian's home.

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again".

Kristian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner".
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed..."

"I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Kristian".

 

[Inspector]

Nick we need a groan button.

Pete

 

[mikej460]

So I arrived at the restaurant a bit early for a family meal.
"Would you mind waiting for a while?" asked the manager.
"Not at all," I replied.
"Good," he said.
"Take these 2 Coq au Vins over to the couple by the window, then start clearing tables 4 and 7".

 

[Cordy]

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Dave, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a spanner out of her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty-one feet, six inches," and walked away.

One engineer shook his head and laughed, "Typical blonde! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

 

[Ithica]

So I arrived at the restaurant a bit early for a family meal.
"Would you mind waiting for a while?" asked the manager.
"Not at all," I replied.
"Good," he said.
"Take these 2 Coq au Vins over to the couple by the window, then start clearing tables 4 and 7".

On the question of French dishes (apologies, Mike, the plural is coqs au van. I'm trying to revisit O level French and its grim progress) General de Gaulle had a dry, Gallic sense of humour. In the 1960s he promoted independence for Algeria. Senior and retired army officers opposed this and formed a group, the OAS, with the intent and means to assassinate de Gaulle. There had already been one attempt so when the entire Parachute Regiment (hardened veterans of the Indochina war) gathered in Marseille, against government orders, there was a rumour they would travel to Paris by train intent on a coup d'etat. Ministers urged President de Gaulle, as he then was, to suspend all rail travel between the 2 cities. He replied that, as far as he was aware, the Parachute Regiment had never mounted an attack by train.

 

[Doug B]

 

[Cozzer]

Dear UK Workshop Agony Aunt...
I think my wife is cheating on me.
I'm a working musician and travel a lot, and recently strange things have been happening when I get home.
Her mobile phone rings and she steps outside to answer it, or says 'I'll call you back later'.
Sometimes she goes out with friends but comes home late, getting dropped off around the corner.
I once picked up the extension while she was on the phone and she got very angry.
A mate of mine plays guitar in a band. He told me that sometimes my wife turns up at his gigs with another bloke.
He asked if he could borrow my guitar amp for the next gig - mine's a better model than his - and that's when I got the idea to find out for myself what was happening.
I said that he could use my amp at the gig as long as I could hide behind it, and see if she came to the venue and who she came in with! He agreed.
The gig night came - I slipped behind my half-stack to get a good view.
Crouching down, I noticed one of the power stage valves wasn't glowing as brightly as the others.
Is this something I can fix myself, or do I really need to take it to a technician?

Yours concerned, Norwich

 

[Woody2Shoes]

.... the plural is coqs au van......

Meals on wheels?

 

[Ithica]

View attachment 113982

You got there because you asked yourself how do I work this? But you didn't know ......

 

[nickds1]

You got there because you asked yourself how do I work this? But you didn't know ......

...Dorking Teds...

 

[Robbo3]

A bloke goes ice fishing for the very first time. All of a sudden, he hears a voice.
“There are no fish under the ice!”
He ignores it and moves to another area, cuts a hole, and tosses his line in. Again, he hears the booming voice:
“There are no fish under ?the ice!”
He nervously looks up and asks, “Lord? Is that you?”
“No, this is the rink manager!”

 

[Doug B]