Joke thread

[Cozzer]

Two 90 year old men, Fred and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
It's clear that Joe is dying, so Fred visits him every day.
"Joe, we have both loved football all our lives, and we played Sunday football together for so many years. Do me a favour, please? When you get to Heaven, try to let me know if there's football there."
Joe looks up at Fred from his death bed...
"Fred, you've been my best friend for many years. Rest assured, if I can, I will...."

Joe didn't make it through the night....

At midnight a couple of nights later, Fred is awakened from his sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him.

"Fred! FRED!"
"Who is it?" asks Fred sitting up suddenly.
"Who is it?!" Who is it?! It's me, Joe!"
"You can't be! You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe!" insists the voice.
"Joe! Where are you?!"
"I'm actually In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news for you, and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first!" says Fred.
"The good news," Joe says," is that there IS football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too! Even better than that, we're all young again! Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows! And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired!"
"That's fantastic!" says Fred. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"
"You're playing Tuesday."

 

[dzj]

 

[Cozzer]

As Elton John thinks "Sorry" is the hardest word, he's obviously never visited Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.


(Ayethangqueue)

 

[Phil Pascoe]

View attachment 113648

Why the stick of dynamite by the chair?

 

[AES]

Mary had a little lamb, it sat upon a pylon
10,000 volts went up its 4rse, and now it's made of nylon

Definitely raising the whole tone of the thread now.

 

[loftyhermes]

Two blondes walk into a bar, you'd have thought one of them would have seen it.

 

[Turnr77]

Two blondes out on a walk in the country come across some tracks,

"Look at these" says one "I think they're fox tracks"
"No" says the second "I think they're deer tracks"
Again the first Blonde ponders and says "actually look how big they are, we're not far from the zoo I think they could be from an escaped lion!"

Then the train hit them.........

 

[dzj]

Why the stick of dynamite by the chair?

Fun Fact: In every Bizarro comic strip there's always a slice of pie, an eyeball, and/or a stick of dynamite.

 

[Ozi]

Mary had a little lamb, it sat upon a pylon
10,000 volts went up its 4rse, and now it's made of nylon

When Mary had a little lamb
the midwife was surprised
but when McDonald had a farm
She couldn't believe her eyes!

 

[loftyhermes]

Mary had a little lamb,
couldn't stop it grunting,
took it down the garden path
and kicked it's back and front in.
That's the clean version.

 

[Inspector]

Mary had a little lamb,
couldn't stop it grunting,
took it down the garden path
and kicked it's back and front in.
That's the clean version.

I only knew the unprintable version about a pig so didn't mention it.

Pete

 

[mikej460]

See how long it takes you

 

[Doug B]

 

[Doug B]

 

[Thingybob]

Oh thats so much better back to the thread Now dont answer the bloody door bell again

 

[stuart little]

They're getting "better"

Thanks for that (I think)!

Austria has a navy, so why can't Switzerland?

 

[Jameshow]

Oh thats so much better back to the thread Now dont answer the bloody door bell again

Knock knock.....

 

[stuart little]

Old McDonald had a farm
When it burnt down
Old McDonald opened a take-away,

 

[stuart little]

Knock knock.....

Who's there?

 

[Jonzjob]