Joke thread

[Inspector]

4 points if the zipper is down so you can't fall backwards.

Pete

 

[Cozzer]

A drummer friend of mine had such bad timing that he decided to end it all.
He threw himself behind a train...

 

[dzj]

 

[Cozzer]

"So then...big match for your team this afternoon."
"That's right. The boys are well up for it."
"And your tactics for the match?"
"Lime and lemon. I tried to get mint, but they'd sold out..."

 

[Blackswanwood]

 

[Stan]

Wife: ( angrily) Why do you keep walking into the garden every time I start to sing?

Husband: I want to show the neighbours that I am not hitting you.

 

[Doug B]

 

[sploo]

 

[Cozzer]

The Premier League footballer and his really dim "reality star" wife were travelling across the Atlantic in a luxury, retro-styled 4-engine aeroplane.
Half way across, the intercom burst into life, and the Captain made an announcement.
"Good afternoon, passengers. I'm afraid to tell you that we have a malfunction in engine 4, and for safety reasons we've decided to shut it down...but never fear, we've been trained to fly in all situations, and assure you that both you and the aircraft are perfectly safe. It does mean, however, that we will take an hour-or-so longer to reach our destination. In the meantime, please ensure some more complimentary champagne, and enjoy your flight..."
Some minutes later, the Captain made another announcement.
"I now have to tell you that we have another engine malfunction, and have been forced to shut this one down as well...but fear not, we're all trained to react to these situations, and can assure you that this aircraft can fly perfectly safely on fewer engines. We will, of course, be taking it a bit steady, so as a consequence, we will be arriving about 2 hours later than expected..."
An hour-or-so passed, before the intercom burst into life again.
"Good afternoon, this is your Captain speaking. More bad news, I'm afraid - we've now lost engine number 3, but I can assure you that the 'plane is perfectly able to fly on with a single engine. Rest assured, we are in full control of this less-than-ideal situation, but it does mean that we are forced to throttle back on engine number 1, and we will now be arriving about 6 hours later than expected."
The Premier League footballer's dim reality star wife suddenly grasped the situation...
"Bloody hell! We're on our way to a really important event! We can't be late! We're stars! Isn't there anything anybody can do?! I mean, if the remaining engine fails, we'll be up here all bloody day!"

 

[Chris152]

 

[Doug B]

 

[dzj]

 

[Phil Pascoe]

I expect that means something to someone.

 

[smugdruggler]

It's a play on Han Solo from Star Wars

 

[Stan]

On 5/5/1862 a Mexican army defeated a French one at the Battle of Puebla (Mexico). Since then the date has become a Mexican festival.

 

[Amateur]

Ok a bit risky so take it off if its too near the bone

Police officer speaking to Mexican.

And then El Pedro he pull a gun from under his poncho and points it at me.
He says,
Droppa your trousers.
So, I droppa my trousers.
Then he says,
Sheeet.
So I Sheeet.
Then he says eta your sheet
So I eata my sheet.
But El Pedro, he isnt concentrating and I knock the gun from his hand and point it at him with a big grin on my face.
I say
El Pedro,
Droppa your pants.
And El Pedro droppas his pants.
And I say,
Sheet...
So ElPedro he Sheets....
And I say
Eata your sheet
So he eatas his sheet.

And you ask me if I know ElPedro?

We had lunch together last week.

 

[flying haggis]

 

[flying haggis]

 

[gwaithcoed]

I read in my morning paper today Thought for the day.
The only power you have is the word No.

I didn't know my Wife wrote in the daily paper

 

[kinverkid]