Joke thread

[Candooman]

Caesar wandered into a taverna.
"Ey up, Jules! What can I get ya?"
"It's been a long day, matey...Senate stuff mainly...and this toga's making me sweat like a glassblower's buttocks... think I'll have a Martinus..."
"You mean a Martini, don't ya Jules?"
"If I'd wanted a double, I'd have asked for it..."

Ayethangqueue

There aren’t ‘arf some clever b**gers out there!!

 

[MikeJhn]

Two old chaps sitting on a bench one says "Now I am over 70 I hurt all over and can hardly Pee, the other says, "I now I am over 80 I feel like a new born baby, can's see very well, roll around on the floor to get up and pee when I least expect it"

 

[Just4Fun]

It's funny, the things you hear people say in actual conversation - not jokes as such, but "sayings" that they use without thinking, but are new to you...

A Finnish friend of mine is like that. Maybe the things he says are just literal translations of Finnish sayings but I think they are originals from him. One classic was "You don't often find a good friend and a full wallet in the same trousers".

 

[dzj]

 

[flying haggis]

 

[Doug B]

 

[Cordy]

How many Labour MPs does it take to change a lightbulb ?

None , they would rather sit in the dark and blame The Conservatives .

 

[Terry - Somerset]

Politics is far too political.

But how many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?

10 - one to change the bulb and 9 to discuss living without light.

 

[AJB Temple]

Politics is far too political.

But how many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?

10 - one to change the bulb and 9 to discuss living without light.

No, that is definitely wrong. I've met a few social workers and they abhor the use of light as it was invented by a capitalist imperialist.

 

[flying haggis]

 

[Phil Pascoe]

How many folk singers does it take to change a lightbulb? One to change it and four to sing about how good the old one was.

 

[Robbo3]

How many group posters does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

1 to post the url with lightbulb changing instructions (http://www.ehow.com/how_370_change-lightbulb.html)

1 to point out that the link given in the previous post is, infact, incorrect for those in the UK, where bayonet fitting lamps are the norm

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

53 to flame the spell checkers

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames

1 Forum Moderator to point out the flaming is against the spirit of the Forum, PM all 723 contributors with the threat of expulsion if they continue in this fashion

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ...

another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy"

109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped

111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ

44 to ask what is a "FAQ"

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

I to post 101 uses for a dead lightbulb

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....

 

[TRITON]

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb ?.

A: Fish.

 

[Trainee neophyte]

@Robbo3 : a heartbreaking work of breathtaking genius. The only points missing may perhaps have been the correct method of sharpening the bulb, and the correct ppe to use. And push sticks, obviously - no debate about that.

 

[Trainee neophyte]

How much does a chimney cost? It's going through the roof!

And roof tiles? They are on the house.

 

[Phil Pascoe]

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ...

Or whether it's a lamp.

 

[Phil Pascoe]

Uses for a dead lightbulb? GRP moulds for casting resin paperweights etc. - polish the bulb with mould release wax, grp over it, trim to the circumference, smash the the bulb and it'll fall out cleanly.

 

[Doug B]

 

[Chris152]

@Robbo3 : a heartbreaking work of breathtaking genius. The only points missing may perhaps have been the correct method of sharpening the bulb, and the correct ppe to use. And push sticks, obviously - no debate about that.

How about the politics of changing light bulbs? I feel that Robbo failed to address that properly.
eta - I guess that's covered in the secret forum.

 

[Trainee neophyte]

How about the politics of changing light bulbs? I feel that Robbo failed to address that properly.
eta - I guess that's covered in the secret forum.

Ah, yes - the Secret Forum...