Joke Thread III

[woodhutt]

Two Irishmen are sitting in the pub and gazing out of the window at the brothel across the road. They see a Methodist preacher enter the house opposite and Paddy says, 'Would you look at that! The pious, hypocritical beggar!'
A few moments later, they spot the local Rabbi push his way in. 'There goes another of the sermonizing b******s!'
Moments later, they see the local Catholic priest scurrying inside.
"Ah! Now that's sad,' says Paddy. 'One of the girls must have died.'

 

[Doug B]

 

[stuart little]

Myriad of things one used / uses it for on farms ( well we did on our farm..SE Ireland )
The Birch version was / is used aswell..the smell of it was what gave rise to the smell of waterproofed leather goods from Russia, and which a soap manufacturer claimed that their soap smelled like.

That's why when googling pine tar, one gets soap!

 

[stuart little]

Do they start cannibalising from the back?!? That opens a whole new, to be avoided, thought train.

Perhaps that's why the 'parson's nose' is so tasty!

 

[Cozzer]

Perhaps that's why the 'parson's nose' is so tasty!

I say!
Steady on, old chap!

 

[Doug B]

 

[woodhutt]

A bloke is stopped on the street by a homeless chap asking for money. He fishes a 20 quid note out of his wallet and asks the homeless guy if he'll spend it on booze. 'I gave up booze years ago,' says the homeless chap.
'Then will you take it to the nearest golf course and spend it on green fees?' the man asks.
'Are you nuts!' asks the homeless bloke. 'It's been 30 years since I last played golf!'
So the feller says. 'OK, come home with me and I'll not only give you the 20 quid, but I'll also get the wife to cook you a slap-up meal.'
'Why would you do that? Won't she be annoyed you bringing me home?' asks the homeless chap.
'Probably,' says the Good Samaritan, 'but I want her to see what giving up booze and golf does to a man.'

 

[Doug B]

 

[Lax Luthier]

Don't know if anyone can offer advice but my racing snail's performance has been terrible over the last four events.
I've tried changing his diet - no real difference. Performance enhancing pharmaceuticals - nothing.
I even tried to improve his aerodynamics by removing his shell but, if anything, that's just made him even more sluggish

 

[Stan]

A man walks into a pet shop.

Man. I'd like to buy a blue budgie please.

Shopkeeper. Sorry sir, we only have green ones.

M. That's ok. I'll take a green one and paint it blue.

S. ( shocked ). You can't do that! You'll kill it.

M. It will be fine, honest.

The man buys a green budgie, a cage and other bits and pieces and walks out.

Two days later the man returns, with a long face.

M. You know that green budgie you sold me?

S. ( ominously ) yes.

M. Well, it died.

S. What did I say? I told you if you painted it blue you would kill it.

M. Oh no. It wasn't that what killed it. It was when I tried to get the old paint off!

 

[Robbo3]

 

[Doug B]

 

[bushwhaker]

 

[Blackswanwood]

 

[RobinBHM]

I went to the wedding of my TV repair man.
The reception was amazing

 

[Doug B]

 

[Noel]

#QT

 

[Thingybob]

View attachment 161415

Who wants to be a Kremlin tzar , Phone a friend but who ?

 

[Phil Pascoe]

whom. Sorry.

 

[John Brown]

View attachment 161415

What the heck is "ammuntion"?