Joke Thread III

[stuart little]

Horse p*ss? Dunno, just guessing

My dad used to bet on the 'hosses'. So, I do know what a hoss is - is this where we get the name of :- 'hosler',

I’m sure someone must be offended and not amused?

What was your very first reaction?

 

[Doug B]

 

[Amateur]

My dad used to bet on the 'hosses'. So, I do know what a hoss is - is this where we get the name of :- 'hosler',

In reality, it actually came from one of the Cartwright family in Bonanza.
Big Hoss

 

[Jaco]

How does an attorney sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other side.



 I have a few jokes about unemployed people....

but none of them work.



 How do you make holy water?

You take some water & boil the hell out of it.



 Will glass coffins be a success?

Remains to be seen.



 Two windmills are standing in a wind farm.

One asks, “what’s your favourite kind of music?”

The other says, “I'm a big metal fan”.



 Heard about the new restaurant called Karma?

There’s no menu, you get what you deserve.



 I went to buy some camouflage trousers yester-day…

but couldn't find any.



 What do you call a bee that can’t quite make up its mind?

A maybe.



 I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage.

I lost my case.



 If and when everything is coming your way.....

you're in the wrong lane.



 She had a photographic memory…

but never developed it.



 Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today?

I don't know and don't really care.



 I wasn’t originally going to get a brain trans-plant.....

but then I changed my mind.



 Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population?

Ireland, of course, it’s Dublin everyday.



 My ex-wife still misses me....

but her aim is starting to improve.



 The guy who invented the door knocker got a.....

No-bell prize.



 I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought....

“that’s the last thing i need !”



 Need an ark???

I Noah guy.



 I used to be indecisive.....

Now I'm not so sure.



 Sleeping comes so naturally to me that......

I can do it with my eyes closed.



 What did the grape say when it got stepped on?

Nothing. But, it let out a little whine.



 What do you call a very articulate dinosaur with a good vocabulary?

A Thesaurus, of course.



Last, but not least,



 What happens when you boil a funny bone?

You get a laughing stock



Enjoy your day

 

[Pedronicus]

 

[bushwhaker]

A Bulgarian walks through the desert. An indescribable thirst began to torment him. He came to a stall where a Jew was selling ties.
- I am dying of thirst. Please, give me some water... - begged the Bulgarian
- I have no water, but you can buy a tie! - replied the Jew.
- I don't want ties, I need water! - whispered the Bulgarian.
- Well, you don't want a tie. But just so you can see that I'm human too, I'll tell you that there's a restaurant behind those dunes. They certainly have water there.
Two hours later, the Bulgarian returned, neither dead nor alive, crawling on all fours, tongue lolling out.
- "Why are you coming back?" asked the Jew.
- I found it, but your father said he wouldn't let me in without a tie...

 

[Amateur]

 

[fatbob]

 

[JimJay]

A Bulgarian walks through the desert. An indescribable thirst began to torment him. He came to a stall where a Jew was selling ties.
- I am dying of thirst. Please, give me some water... - begged the Bulgarian
- I have no water, but you can buy a tie! - replied the Jew.
- I don't want ties, I need water! - whispered the Bulgarian.
- Well, you don't want a tie. But just so you can see that I'm human too, I'll tell you that there's a restaurant behind those dunes. They certainly have water there.
Two hours later, the Bulgarian returned, neither dead nor alive, crawling on all fours, tongue lolling out.
- "Why are you coming back?" asked the Jew.
- I found it, but your father said he wouldn't let me in without a tie...

How did you know he was a Bulgarian - there haven't been any in Yambol for years....

 

[Doug B]

 

[Pedronicus]

 

[Doug B]

 

[Junah]

 

[woodhutt]

When I BBQ a steak, the smell makes my mouth water.

Do you think the same happens to Vegans when they mow the lawn?

 

[flying haggis]

When we moved house, the garage was overrun with mice.


The estate agent suggested spraying them with WD40.



It didn't get rid of them, but it stopped them squeaking...

 

[Doug B]

 

[dzj]

 

[Doug B]

 

[Rodpr]

View attachment 159111

Sometimes it's the kindest option!

 

[Rodpr]

My wife sent me this ...