Joke Thread III

[Chrispy]

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Can I claim being offended, making fun of my name! Shouldn't be allowed

 

[Stanleymonkey]

I always felt sorry for the reporter Christopher Peacock. Always very careful to say his name in full.

 

[The_Yellow_Ardvark]

 

[Stan]

While standing at a urinal in a public loo the other day I noticed a rather strange piece of graffiti written on the wall directly in front of me.
"FOLLOW THIS LINE", it said.

Sure enough, a hand-drawn line led directly up from the text to the ceiling. Intrigued, I turned my head to see where it led. At the joint between the wall and the ceiling the line went directly across the ceiling to the wall behind me. It came half way down the wall behind me, where was written the immortal phrase:
"YOU ARE NOW PEEING DOWN YOUR LEFT LEG".

 

[Thingybob]

Old bloke on a cruise visits a gents toilet in Barbados.
Standing at the urinal he happens to notice the gentleman next to him has letters tattooed on his todger.
" Goodness me, what a coincidence," says the old bloke.
"My wife's called Wendy too!"
"Cool" says the gentleman, but that actually says
"Welcome to Barbados and have a nice day!"

NB
There was no racial implications, or suggestions men in Barbados have long todgers.....
There were no snakes or any other animals ill treated in any way during the telling of this joke.
The old bloke may have been unsteady on his feet as reported to the administrator at the time, but the findings concluded that this was due to the overwhelming toxic atmosphere in the gents toilet at the time caused by the number of males smoking enormous spliffs in the toilet cubicles.
This joke has been passed by the censorship and classified as "U"
This explanation is brought to you curtesy of
" The UK, Ai coropration"
and may or may not be one hundred percent correct for humanoids reading it.

I now know why Mock the Week was pulled as to be PC and explain every joke and provide disclaimers the show would have to be extended to 6 hours and the BBC could not afford that

 

[TRITON]

Why did the horse cross the road...

To get to it's stable!

Why did the chicken cross the road ?.

It was egged on.

 

[fatbob]

 

[woodhutt]

I went for a drive today to visit my old family home. I knocked on the door and told the bloke who answered it that I was feeling nostalgic and asked if I could come inside and look around. He just slammed the door in my face.

My father never did like me much.

 

[woodhutt]

Why is it that, if you donate a kidney people think you're a saint but if you donate five kidneys they call the police?

 

[dzj]

 

[The_Yellow_Ardvark]

 

[SamL]

If 2 wrongs don't make a right, try 3

 

[stuart little]

I always felt sorry for the reporter Christopher Peacock. Always very careful to say his name in full.

View attachment 159598

Same goes for Michael, Mr. & Mrs. Hunt's son! Never called 'Mike'!

 

[Daniel2]

Benjamin Dover

 

[Sachakins]

Mr Bates Snr, Mr Bates Jun, and their young Master, Roger the cabin boy..

 

[Gant]

View attachment 159662

A true story:
Several years ago, not long after Inverness Caledonian Thistle FC (‘Cally Thistle’) were promoted to the 4th tier of Scottish Football League, they were drawn against Celtic in the cup. Celtic were by far the best team in Scotland at the time. Incredibly they pulled off one of the biggest giant killings in football history, and beat them. One newspaper headline the next day:
“Super Cally go ballistic; Celtic are atrocious”.
I assume the writer got an award for that.

 

[The_Yellow_Ardvark]

 

[The_Yellow_Ardvark]

View attachment 159692

 

[The_Yellow_Ardvark]

 

[Jameshow]

View attachment 159693

Over my dead body....!