Joke Thread III

[woodhutt]

"KISS THOSE PAINFUL PILES AWAY"

(Genuine ad, by the way! Those Yanks, eh?!)

View attachment 157591

I like the wee instruction to 'Aim Higher.'
Not after you've just kissed my hemorrhoids, you won't.

 

[Cozzer]

I like the wee instruction to 'Aim Higher.'
Not after you've just kissed my hemorrhoids, you won't.

Bit like the old 'un about arranging to meet a lass outside the local pawnbrokers.
Really surprised when she turned up and kissed me beneath the balls....

 

[mwinfrance]

@bushwhaker
Sometimes what you post in english is difficult to understand, can I suggest that you go here deepl.com and use it to translate from Bulgarian * to English, it may help both you and the rest of us.

*if bulgarian is your first language

I hope this suggestion does not offend you in any way

Cheers Mike
*****************
Понякога това, което пишете на английски, е трудно да се разбере, мога да ви предложа да отидете тук deepl.com и да го използвате, за да превеждате от български * на английски, това може да помогне както на вас, така и на всички нас.

*ако българският е първият ви език

Надявам се, че това предложение няма да ви обиди по никакъв начин

Наздраве Майк

 

[dzj]

Понякога това, което пишете на английски, е трудно да се разбере, мога да ви предложа да отидете тук deepl.com и да го използвате, за да превеждате от български * на английски, това може да помогне както на вас, така и на всички нас.

*ако българският е първият ви език

Надявам се, че това предложение няма да ви обиди по никакъв начин

Наздраве Майк

He he, I understood ~90% of this.

 

[flying haggis]

My piles have been giving me gyp recently and the ointments my doctor has been prescribing don't seem to have much effect so I decided to try one of those 'alternative' practitioners. She advised me to use cold teabags as a compress as these would help reduce the swelling and ease the pain.
I don't use teabags, only loose tea so I wadded them up in kitchen roll and applied that. After a week, there was no improvement so I went back to my regular doctor and told him what I'd been advised to do.
He told me to drop 'em and bend over then used a torch to examine the offending area.





'Well, it hasn't done anything for your piles. However, I can tell you that you are going on a long journey and will meet a tall, dark stranger...

 

[mwinfrance]

My piles have been giving me gyp recently and the ointments my doctor has been prescribing don't seem to have much effect so I decided to try one of those 'alternative' practitioners. She advised me to use cold teabags as a compress as these would help reduce the swelling and ease the pain.
I don't use teabags, only loose tea so I wadded them up in kitchen roll and applied that. After a week, there was no improvement so I went back to my regular doctor and told him what I'd been advised to do.
He told me to drop 'em and bend over then used a torch to examine the offending area.





'Well, it hasn't done anything for your piles. However, I can tell you that you are going on a long journey and will meet a tall, dark stranger...

Deja lu..woodhut post #1.140 Couple o' pages back.

 

[Recky33]

I got sacked from the salvation army soup kitchen late last night, all I said was "Come on hurry up, some of us have got homes to go too"

 

[BradyS]

How does one type an upside down "?" on a Mac without having to open a character viewer and drag and drop it in? ¿

Pete

I'll tell you how... One opens googleand searches for "upside down ?" or "upside down question mark", then copy-pastes it

 

[Cozzer]

My friend and I have just bought a butchers.

Yes, we've both got a stake in it....

 

[ajs]

One could ask ones secretary to do this as they are trained in such things?

[Jim Hacker is being introduced to his new position as Minister]

James Hacker : Who else is in this department?

Sir Humphrey Appleby : Well briefly, sir, I am the Permanent Under Secretary of State, known as the Permanent Secretary. Woolley here is your Principal Private Secretary, I too have a Principal Private Secretary and he is the Principal Private Secretary to the Permanent Secretary. Directly responsible to me are ten Deputy Secretaries, eighty-seven Under Secretaries and two hundred and nineteen Assistant Secretaries. Directly responsible to the Principal Private Secretaries are plain Private Secretaries, and the Prime Minister will be appointing two Parliamentary Under-Secretaries and you will be appointing your own Parliamentary Private Secretary.

James Hacker : Do they all type?

Sir Humphrey Appleby : None of us can type, Minister. Mrs. McKay types. She's the secretary.

 

[Pineapple]

Here we say "kick the stool", that is the same

In the north of England we say "kick the bucket" because being considerate enough not to let our spouses or children find us dangling, we do it at work !

 

[JimJay]

@bushwhaker
Sometimes what you post in english is difficult to understand, can I suggest that you go here deepl.com and use it to translate from Bulgarian * to English, it may help both you and the rest of us.

*if bulgarian is your first language

I hope this suggestion does not offend you in any way

Cheers Mike
*****************
Понякога това, което пишете на английски, е трудно да се разбере, мога да ви предложа да отидете тук deepl.com и да го използвате, за да превеждате от български * на английски, това може да помогне както на вас, така и на всички нас.

*ако българският е първият ви език

Надявам се, че това предложение няма да ви обиди по никакъв начин

Наздраве Майк

The perception amongst us Snooty Toffs in Sofia is that Yambol has more Brits than Bulgarians living in and around it, so you're probably barking up the wrong tree.

You've also confused poor Mr Chat by using "Cheers" as he's taken you rather literally and translated it as the "drinking salutation" rather than "Regards" in electronic communication, which is "Поздрави"

The Pedants live among us!

 

[Doug B]

 

[Cozzer]

I met my wife at one of those speed-dating events.
It was a big surprise to me.





I thought she was at home watching TV.

 

[mwinfrance]

The perception amongst us Snooty Toffs in Sofia is that Yambol has more Brits than Bulgarians living in and around it, so you're probably barking up the wrong tree.

You've also confused poor Mr Chat by using "Cheers" as he's taken you rather literally and translated it as the "drinking salutation" rather than "Regards" in electronic communication, which is "Поздрави"

The Pedants live among us!

As an Irishman , with a glass of rather fine red in front of me at the time of typing, my use of "cheers" was intentional.
I could have used .. Sláinte
( Other countrymen of mine here do., even in their "sigs" )
Which can be used with, or without a drink in one's hand, as "good health" , or "good health to you", is also used as "wishing the person well", at the moment ( having my breakfast here ) the drink is

 

[Jameshow]

I met my wife at one of those speed-dating events.
It was a big surprise to me.





I thought she was at home watching TV.

Remember guys switch off the girlfreind mobile this Sunday with the emergency alerts being sounded!
Don't want to be caught do we!

 

[MikeJhn]

@mwinfrance

Now that is very Irish a glass or fine red and a cup of tea.

 

[mwinfrance]

@mwinfrance

Now that is very Irish a glass or fine red and a cup of tea.

It was coffee* the , but close enough we Irish are somewhat famous for our coffee.
*I've never been one for the "cup o' scald' ( black tea that you could trot a mouse on ) , but a good green tea in the afternoon is grand.

 

[JimJay]

As an Irishman , with a glass of rather fine red in front of me at the time of typing, my use of "cheers" was intentional.
I could have used .. Sláinte
( Other countrymen of mine here do., even in their "sigs" )
Which can be used with, or without a drink in one's hand, as "good health" , or "good health to you", is also used as "wishing the person well", at the moment ( having my breakfast here ) the drink is

It's much the same in Bulgarian: наздраве literally means "to health", while the meaning of the preposition "по" in поздрави (greetings) is context-sensitive and can also mean "to", so the word can be taken to mean literally "to healthy".

This exchange is becoming less joke-like by the moment, isn't it?

 

[MichaelAD]

Heard on the radio this morning:

I was going to tell you a joke about time travel...but you didn't like it.