Joke Thread III

[Cozzer]

I had to think about this one, first time I heard it.

You can't change the people around you, but you can change the people around you.

Oh dear, Artie!
That'll really get Stu floundering!


(Norn Iron, huh?! Ex-RBAI here! I was the one student who didn't become a GP/lawyer/politician/solicitor/lecturer/scientist/Nobel award winner...)

 

[Doug B]

Talking of the 70's BBC oh the irony

 

[Cozzer]

Sold my Dyson the other day.

It was only collecting dust.

 

[Cozzer]

Just spotted my neighbour Stuart in his garden...Bless 'im, he was sitting on his ride-on mower, sobbing his heart out.
"Stu! What on earth's up? Has someone told you that the Blue Peter dog has died? Or that we lost our beloved Queen last year? Yes, Stuart...she was crowned in 1953, matey - you probably missed it.... Anyway, what's wrong? Anything I can help you with? I don't like to see you like this! is it something to do with your mower, maybe?"
"No. I'll be fine. I'm just going through a rough patch..."

 

[Cordy]

A man followed a girl into the bathroom, stating he identified as a woman....

The mans teeth were knocked out by the girls father, who said he identifies as the Tooth Fairy.......

 

[woodhutt]

A bloke is stretchered into a hospital ED covered from head to foot in cuts and bruises and with a nine iron wrapped around his neck. The Doc asks him what happened.
'I'm not really sure, Doc,' says the bloke. 'I was out playing golf with the lady wife. I teed off and sliced the ball into a paddock full of cows, then the wife did exactly the same. We were both in the paddock searching for our balls when one of the cows flicked it's tail and I caught a flash of white. I thought, it can't be, but then it flicked its tail again and sure enough I spotted a ball lodged right under its tail. So I went over and lifted the tail up and called out to wife, "This one looks like yours." And that's the last thing I remember.'

Pete

 

[Doug B]

 

[Jester129]

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car
which is designed to cut through a seat belt
if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk.

They Walk Among Us!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry
because she was a trained professional and
said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me,
'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)

They Walk Among Us!

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track..'

'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.

Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''

Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'

Sadly, they walk among us!

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding... Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace... Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt..

You can't fix stupid.

 

[Jester129]

 

[Stan]

Traffic cop stops a young woman who was speeding. He starts to write out a ticket.
"But officer!", the young woman says. "I thought if a pretty young woman fluttered her eyelashes at an officer he would just let her off with a warning".
"That's right madam", the officer replied. "But in your case, you do not have to say anything, but anything you say may be written down and used in evidence....".

[OK, so the caution has changed over the years - artistic licence].

 

[Doug B]

 

[Phil Pascoe]

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car
which is designed to cut through a seat belt
if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk.

Years ago I had two friends who had little inshore fishing boats. They were talking about kit one day and one said he had the most fantastic new lifejacket, it could inflate itself, put out an emergency signal etc. just about anything except make the tea. Is on the boat? the other asked. No, it's at home on top the wardrobe - I don't want to get it dirty.

 

[woodhutt]

A bloke out walking early one morning decides to take a short cut across the golf course. Keeping to the rough, he comes across a lost ball and, seeing there's nobody playing that early, he puts the ball in a trouser pocket. A bit further on he comes across another and puts it in his other pocket. As he reaches the Club House, a lady golfer is just heading for the first tee. She spots the bulges in his trousers and asks what they are. The bloke decides to come clean, 'Golf balls,' he admits.
She puts a sympathetic hand on his arm and says, 'I know how you must feel. I used to have tennis elbow.'

Pete

 

[dzj]

 

[Pedronicus]

 

[Jameshow]

View attachment 156598

More likely the accountants!!

 

[bushwhaker]

One of the reason why Italy banned ChatGPT.

 

[flying haggis]

 

[Noel]

There is a Meatloaf tribute at our local theatre next week. I ordered 3 tickets but only received 2.

 

[artie]

There is a Meatloaf tribute at our local theatre next week. I ordered 3 tickets but only received 2.

That's not bad.