Joke Thread II

[Fidget]

 

[selectortone]

 

[Cozzer]

And now a funny from real life...

George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one.”

Winston Churchill, in response...
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one.”

 

[paulrbarnard]

Talked to some old Scottish chums of mine recently.
The Kerr family decided to flee the country and settle in Spain many years ago. Bought a beachside bar, put a few live bands on for the punters, and subsequently made a few bob.
Life was good, things moved on, and a baby boy was soon born to them.
Embracing their new country, they decided to bless him with a local name.
Poor boy.
Juan.
He'll never forgive them.

True story. I worked for a company in High Wycombe many many years ago and there were two members of staff with great names.
There was Teressa Green
and Justin Sunshine.

 

[The_Yellow_Ardvark]

 

[The_Yellow_Ardvark]

 

[Doug B]

View attachment 148969

You’re just trying to confuse @stuart little even more

 

[Doug B]

 

[gcusick]

Had to read it twice. I'm a bit slow these days.

There was (still is?) a manufacturer of electronic test gear called Wayne Kerr. Try saying it quickly.

 

[Pineapple]

Oh, come on, Stuart!
The monkeys and cinema version is hilarious.
Penguins and the beach just doesn't work, does it?

Of course it does ! Penguins love To Swim !

 

[Morag Jones]

View attachment 148972

Ok sorry to be thick, what’s in the bucket?

 

[Yojevol]

Ok sorry to be thick, what’s in the bucket?

Water, a carrot and a few conkers
Disregard the physics of the situation

 

[stuart little]

Talked to some old Scottish chums of mine recently.
The Kerr family decided to flee the country and settle in Spain many years ago. Bought a beachside bar, put a few live bands on for the punters, and subsequently made a few bob.
Life was good, things moved on, and a baby boy was soon born to them.
Embracing their new country, they decided to bless him with a local name.
Poor boy.
Juan.
He'll never forgive them.

 

[stuart little]

Nasty multi-vehicle job at our local mini-roundabout this morning.
Fog and ice, yes, but when three cars arrive at the same time, and neither of the Audi drivers involved know what the indicator stalk is for, there's only one outcome.
Poor old Frank from down the road got his car wiped and got trapped inside...the two Audis were relatively unscathed.
All local folk involved - Newsagent Bill Smith and his wife in one of 'em, and John and Mary Ball in the other.
The emergency services were called, but when they realised that poor old Frank was stuck, they quickly decided to try and rescue him themselves.

Luckily for Frank, he was pulled out by the Smiths.

 

[stuart little]

Ok sorry to be thick, what’s in the bucket?

One snowman has melted - he's 'kicked the bucket.'

 

[Cozzer]

Oh dear.


Juan, Stuart.
Juan Kerr.

 

[Cozzer]

Really?
Really?!

 

[Jameshow]

Water, a carrot and a few conkers
Disregard the physics of the situation

Thermodynamics to be precise!!

 

[Jaco]

1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.

2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.

3. Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.

4. Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.

5. If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.

6. Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.

7. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.

8. I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.

9. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.

10. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.

11. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.

12. My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.

13. I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.

14. Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.

15. Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.

16. When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.

17. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”

18. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.

19. Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.

20. I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.

21. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.

22. What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.

23. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”

24. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.

25. I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.

 

[Cozzer]

You’re just trying to confuse @stuart little even more

Is that actually possible? To confuse Stuart even more?!