Joke Thread II

[Cozzer]

A mate of mine runs a small newsagency nearby. He was telling me about all the petty theft that goes on, and how some ridiculous things that disappear out the door. Apparently he spotted a bloke nicking a '23 calendar this morning, before legging it out the shop.
If caught, he'll be looking at 12 months....

 

[Robbo3]

Just the right moment 7-9

 

[Blackswanwood]

 

[Doug B]

 

[Alex H]

 

[Keith Cocker]

You so need to keep sheep...

Baa! Humbug!!

 

[stuart little]

But then that wouldn't have been funny at all, Stuart....

Yes it was, a polisman stopped Paddy who was driving a truck with a load of penguins in, & asked what he was doing, Paddy said he was taking them to the zoo. A few hours later the cop stopped Paddy again, & said "You told me you were taking them there penguins to the zoo, so why have you still got them?"
Paddy replied, "Well we done the zoo, now I'm taking them to the beach".

 

[stuart little]

View attachment 148921

What about?

 

[stuart little]

What is the name of the swagman in #Waltzing Matilda#?

 

[Myfordman]

What is the name of the swagman in #Waltzing Matilda#?

Once

 

[AES]

What is the name of the swagman in #Waltzing Matilda#?

Not named in the version I know, but he was of a jolly disposition

 

[Cozzer]

Yes it was, a polisman stopped Paddy who was driving a truck with a load of penguins in, & asked what he was doing, Paddy said he was taking them to the zoo. A few hours later the cop stopped Paddy again, & said "You told me you were taking them there penguins to the zoo, so why have you still got them?"
Paddy replied, "Well we done the zoo, now I'm taking them to the beach".

Oh, come on, Stuart!
The monkeys and cinema version is hilarious.
Penguins and the beach just doesn't work, does it?

 

[stuart little]

Answer:- 'Andy'.

 

[stuart little]

Oh, come on, Stuart!
The monkeys and cinema version is hilarious.
Penguins and the beach just doesn't work, does it?

It did at the time - 40+yrs ago!!!!!!!!!

 

[Cordy]

Brazilian referee Wilton Sampaio who was in charge of England’s quarter-final against France on Saturday denies taking a bung and is backed fully by FIFA in a statement in which they say that they are not aware of any other party being engaged in corruption.

Both FIFA and Brazilian referee Wilton Sampaio were talking ahead of France's 2-1 win over Morocco in the Qatar World Cup Semi Finals to be played this Wednesday.

 

[Cozzer]

Talked to some old Scottish chums of mine recently.
The Kerr family decided to flee the country and settle in Spain many years ago. Bought a beachside bar, put a few live bands on for the punters, and subsequently made a few bob.
Life was good, things moved on, and a baby boy was soon born to them.
Embracing their new country, they decided to bless him with a local name.
Poor boy.
Juan.
He'll never forgive them.

 

[Cozzer]

Nasty multi-vehicle job at our local mini-roundabout this morning.
Fog and ice, yes, but when three cars arrive at the same time, and neither of the Audi drivers involved know what the indicator stalk is for, there's only one outcome.
Poor old Frank from down the road got his car wiped and got trapped inside...the two Audis were relatively unscathed.
All local folk involved - Newsagent Bill Smith and his wife in one of 'em, and John and Mary Ball in the other.
The emergency services were called, but when they realised that poor old Frank was stuck, they quickly decided to try and rescue him themselves.

Luckily for Frank, he was pulled out by the Smiths.

 

[kinverkid]

Talked to some old Scottish chums of mine recently.
The Kerr family decided to flee the country and settle in Spain many years ago. Bought a beachside bar, put a few live bands on for the punters, and subsequently made a few bob.
Life was good, things moved on, and a baby boy was soon born to them.
Embracing their new country, they decided to bless him with a local name.
Poor boy.
Juan.
He'll never forgive them.

Had to read it twice. I'm a bit slow these days.

 

[Cozzer]

Had to read it twice. I'm a bit slow these days.

Don't fret.
I'll be explaining it to Stuart soon enough anyway....

 

[dzj]