Joke Thread II
- Thread starter JBaz
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What am I doing here?
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in France, de brie was everywhere
SamG340
Established Member
Phill05
Established Member
A man takes Alfred his Golden Retriever to the vet and say's 'My dog is cross-eyed and keeps bumping into things, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' say's the vet, 'let's have a look at him.' hello Alfred you're a nice boy and picks up the dog to examine his eyes, then he checks his teeth, to which Alfred gives him a big wet lick from his chin over his nose right up to the vets hairline, Finally, the vet says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'Oh no no please no all because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really, really, heavy'
'Well,' say's the vet, 'let's have a look at him.' hello Alfred you're a nice boy and picks up the dog to examine his eyes, then he checks his teeth, to which Alfred gives him a big wet lick from his chin over his nose right up to the vets hairline, Finally, the vet says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'Oh no no please no all because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really, really, heavy'
Doug B
Shy Tot
Why don't owl's hoot when it's raining?
Because it's too wet to woo.
Because it's too wet to woo.
Merry Christmas...
Every one's a cracker
minotauruk
Established Member
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
stuart little
Established Member
-and a 'happy New Year!
"An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering agonies on his way to his final moment, he suddenly smells the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, gripping the wall, he slowly makes it to the kitchen.
There, piled on a tray are his favourite scones.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.
His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon……
‘Feck off’ she said, ‘they're for the funeral"
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, gripping the wall, he slowly makes it to the kitchen.
There, piled on a tray are his favourite scones.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.
His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon……
‘Feck off’ she said, ‘they're for the funeral"
Yorkieguy
Established Member
No strings attached offer from Ikea:
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flying haggis
Established Member
niemeyjt
Established Member
I've given up buying organic food. At my age, anything with preservatives in it has to be worth buying.
Pineapple
Established Member
First heard in 1960.....
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