Joke Thread II
- Thread starter JBaz
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Jameshow
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https://www.topgear.com/car-news/su...over-discovery-will-be-mid-engined-sports-car
Just placed an order for my new car!
Just placed an order for my new car!
stuart little
Established Member
Only available for this am. !
My solution so far
Ive just replaced all the electric light bulbs with candles. Bought a camping gas single ring burner and six lantern style wind up lanterns. While the wife wasn't watching I took the tumble dryer to the tip.
Ive installed a clip on the wall outside the backdoor that now holds a second world war collapsible trench spade and is being used for digging trenches in the field at the back when we or any visitors require a tom ***.
This is to get infront of the curve when water charges go up 80% due to the hot summer we are going to have.
Ive just replaced all the electric light bulbs with candles. Bought a camping gas single ring burner and six lantern style wind up lanterns. While the wife wasn't watching I took the tumble dryer to the tip.
Ive installed a clip on the wall outside the backdoor that now holds a second world war collapsible trench spade and is being used for digging trenches in the field at the back when we or any visitors require a tom ***.
This is to get infront of the curve when water charges go up 80% due to the hot summer we are going to have.
Tris
What am I doing here?
Just chuck some spuds in the trench as you backfill and you're covered for the food shortages too.
Joke thread has morphed into public service announcements now
Im struggling to differentiate what is a joke and what is real life at the moment.Just chuck some spuds in the trench as you backfill and you're covered for the food shortages too.
Joke thread has morphed into public service announcements now
For instance
Scottish power site is still down but they managed to put up an email form to send in your meter readings.
The form asks for your account number but you cant access your account to retrieve the number because the site is down because they went paperless to save the planet.
If thats not a joke I give in.
AES
Established Member
I know just how you feel Amateur. In very similar vein, I get a short daily round up of local /Swiss) news to add to what I see in the papers, hear/see on radio and TV. Apart from being in English I like it because they writers do tend to hunt for the more off-the-wall stuff (apart from the fact that the Swiss are, by and large, a somewhat humourless bunch). I promise you these 2 items below did appear in my Inbox word for word today:
QUOTE:
Did you know? April Fool’s Day has a controversial history in Switzerland.
The marking of April 1, or April Fool’s Day, was only decriminalised in Switzerland in 1998, after being illegal for over a century. In 1877, the Federal Council, worried about the impact of ironic pranks on the mental health of its straight-laced population, introduced a bill outlawing the day; those found guilty faced fines of up to CHF1.50 (per joke). At one point authorities even considered scrapping April 1 completely, and starting the month on April 2, but a legal review found this to be incompatible with Swiss neutrality. After parliament voted in 1998 to decriminalise the day (by a slim majority of six votes) minister for culture Ruth Dreifuss said it was “a historic moment for fools in Switzerland, and indeed the world”. Opposition persists however, and a citizen committee is reportedly planning a people’s initiative to ban April 1 once again.
Coronavirus taskforce disbands, but is set to hit the big screen.
The Swiss National Covid-19 Science Taskforce, which has advised government policy on the pandemic for the past two years, was officially disbanded today, along with the lifting of all remaining public restrictions to tackle the virus. But the taskforce, which often came under fire for its alarmingly scientific views, might not be at the end of its lifespan just yet. US company Marvel, which has produced various superhero blockbusters including “The Avengers” and the “Spider-Man” series, is now considering making a film about the Swiss academic celebrities, the 21 Minuten newspaper reports.
“Taskforce: Destination Immunity” will follow the adventures of the brainy superheroes as they run around Switzerland fighting all kinds of infectious diseases, from common colds to conspiracy beliefs. The film will be based on a lightly fictionalised version of the real taskforce, but will see each team member given a special power: Martin Ackermann will have medical syringes for fingers, and Samia Hurst can instantly cure hypochondriac anxieties through eye contact and blinking. Taskforce leader Tanja Stadler (her super-power is to predict future scenarios which are precisely 2.37 times worse than what actually happens) confirmed to 21 Minuten that she has been approached by Marvel. “But first I have to reply to Warner Bros,” Stadler said.
UNQUOTE:
"Keep smiling mate. At least you'll have the consolation that everyone else is nudging each other and asking themselves what that silly blighter over there's got to laugh about".!
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bushwhaker
Established Member
It appears Will Smiths marriage is open to everything except jokes.
........
B.C. - Before Corona
A.D. - After the Disease
........
B.C. - Before Corona
A.D. - After the Disease
Last edited:
user 38384
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Tris
What am I doing here?
Is that from the same publishers as 'The White Cliffs' by Eileen Dover, and 'A Guide to Roadworks' by Elaine Cohen-Dorff?
On Monday at about 1pm a man walked into a pet shop, bought a tortoise and walked out.
On Tuesday at about the same time, he did the same thing.
On Wednesday at around 1pm he walked in and said to the shop assistant " I'll have another one of those meat pies please, but not so crunchy this time".
On Tuesday at about the same time, he did the same thing.
On Wednesday at around 1pm he walked in and said to the shop assistant " I'll have another one of those meat pies please, but not so crunchy this time".
Jester129
Established Member
Sorry for putting this here, it isn't a joke but still interesting.
https://mail-attachment.googleuserc...WMiEmSg1FlhKjO1sIUr8hUCpZF2jV43bfqpwUSXfLObGQ
https://mail-attachment.googleuserc...WMiEmSg1FlhKjO1sIUr8hUCpZF2jV43bfqpwUSXfLObGQ
Jameshow
Established Member
Wife's Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late,
but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.
He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, "nothing."
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him.
He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour.
I don't know why he didn't say, “I love you, too.”
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.
But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried.
I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
Husband's Diary:
Bandsaw not cutting straight cannot work out why...?!!
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late,
but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.
He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, "nothing."
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him.
He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour.
I don't know why he didn't say, “I love you, too.”
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.
But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried.
I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
Husband's Diary:
Bandsaw not cutting straight cannot work out why...?!!
You do realise when we are dead this humour will be lost for ever.
Its like introducing yourself to someone. Shaking their hand and squeezing every three seconds as you do so.
And then saying
"Pleases to meet you.
I'm the man from the milk marketing board."
AES
Established Member
I think you're right Amateur. Stuff like "we" had on the steam radio, ISIHAC for example - is, I think dying out. BUT, OTOH, there is "new humour" around, at least some (most?) of which isn't even understood by me, but which today's youngsters thoroughly enjoy. Just like they don't understand "I'm sorry I haven't a clue". I think it's called "progress" - and long may it continue ("we" can't stop it anyway)
I'm often reminded of "Brown Horrocks" and "Lt. Hardly-Worthit" though. And even worse, still snigger when I think of such!
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