Joke Thread II
- Thread starter JBaz
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A man went into a pub up North in a coal-mining area. He went up to the bar and ordered a pint. As he was speaking to the barman he noticed a big man in a group by the window. The top of big man's head was flat and he had a cauliflower ear.
The man at the bar laughed and pointed out flat-head to the barman.
"Don't laugh at him", the barman said. "He's a local hero. One day the roof of the pit started to give way as one of the props was cracking. He held that roof up with his head and six men got to safety".
"Wow. Colour me impressed. That explains his flat head, but how did he get the cauliflower ear?"
"That's where they banged him in with a hammer", said the barman.
The man at the bar laughed and pointed out flat-head to the barman.
"Don't laugh at him", the barman said. "He's a local hero. One day the roof of the pit started to give way as one of the props was cracking. He held that roof up with his head and six men got to safety".
"Wow. Colour me impressed. That explains his flat head, but how did he get the cauliflower ear?"
"That's where they banged him in with a hammer", said the barman.
Doug B
Shy Tot
niemeyjt
Established Member
A priest, feeling his death fast approaching, asks the doctor to summon his bank manager and his local MP.
After a few minutes, both appeared and the priest gestured to them to sit on either side of the bed. The priest held their hands and remained silent with his eyes closed in prayer.
The bank manager and the MP were so touched and felt very important to be summoned by the priest in his moment of death.
In anguish, the MP asked: “Why did you ask us to come to your side here at this moment in your life?”
The priest gathered his remaining strength and said in a breath: "Jesus died between two thieves and I would like to die the same way!”
After a few minutes, both appeared and the priest gestured to them to sit on either side of the bed. The priest held their hands and remained silent with his eyes closed in prayer.
The bank manager and the MP were so touched and felt very important to be summoned by the priest in his moment of death.
In anguish, the MP asked: “Why did you ask us to come to your side here at this moment in your life?”
The priest gathered his remaining strength and said in a breath: "Jesus died between two thieves and I would like to die the same way!”
Doug B
Shy Tot
Chap visits the local sperm clinic, where a very nice lady asked if he would like to provide a specimen in the cup. He replied, "I'm flattered. I'm good, but I don't think I'm good enough to compete in a tournament yet!"
Jameshow
Established Member
A lonely little frog is fed up being alone so he phones the Psychic Hotline and asks what his future holds.
His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him:
"You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled to hear this great news,
"This is great!"
Says the frog,
"Will I meet her at a party?"
He croaks.
"No..."
Says the psychic,
"... in biology class"
His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him:
"You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled to hear this great news,
"This is great!"
Says the frog,
"Will I meet her at a party?"
He croaks.
"No..."
Says the psychic,
"... in biology class"
Next November, UK older taxpayers will again be receiving another 'Winter Fuel’ payment. This is indeed a very exciting programme, and I'll explain it by using a Question & Answer format:
Q. What is a 'Winter Fuel’ payment?
A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back some of my own money?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase gas and electricity or a high-definition flat-screen TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't buying a TV set stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how best to help the U.K. economy by spending your 'Winter Fuel’ cheque wisely:
* If you spend the money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to Gibraltar, Ireland & Luxemburg.
*If you spend it on Amazon your money will go Lichtenstein.
*If you spend it on eBay your money will go Ireland.
* If you spend it on petrol your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer it will go to India , Taiwan or China.
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Kenya, Spain, or Morocco.
* If you spend it on 'cheap' cigs it will end up in Rumania or Bulgaria.
* If you give it to Oxfam only 20% will go abroad and 80% will remain in the hands of the administrators, who will spend it on fact-finding missions to Cayman Islands, Thailand & Mauritius.
* If you buy a foreign car it will go to Japan, Germany, France, India or Korea.
* If you buy a British car it will go to Japan, Germany or India.
* If you pay off your credit cards or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in the UK by:
1. Spending it at car boot sales.
2 Going to night clubs.
3. Spending it on call girls.
4. Buying cider, beer or scotch.
5. Getting yourself a tattoo
.6. Visiting a bookie.
(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K. )
Conclusion:
Go to a night club with a tattooed call girl that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night!
It’s the patriotic thing to do.
Q. What is a 'Winter Fuel’ payment?
A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back some of my own money?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase gas and electricity or a high-definition flat-screen TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't buying a TV set stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how best to help the U.K. economy by spending your 'Winter Fuel’ cheque wisely:
* If you spend the money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to Gibraltar, Ireland & Luxemburg.
*If you spend it on Amazon your money will go Lichtenstein.
*If you spend it on eBay your money will go Ireland.
* If you spend it on petrol your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer it will go to India , Taiwan or China.
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Kenya, Spain, or Morocco.
* If you spend it on 'cheap' cigs it will end up in Rumania or Bulgaria.
* If you give it to Oxfam only 20% will go abroad and 80% will remain in the hands of the administrators, who will spend it on fact-finding missions to Cayman Islands, Thailand & Mauritius.
* If you buy a foreign car it will go to Japan, Germany, France, India or Korea.
* If you buy a British car it will go to Japan, Germany or India.
* If you pay off your credit cards or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in the UK by:
1. Spending it at car boot sales.
2 Going to night clubs.
3. Spending it on call girls.
4. Buying cider, beer or scotch.
5. Getting yourself a tattoo
.6. Visiting a bookie.
(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K. )
Conclusion:
Go to a night club with a tattooed call girl that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night!
It’s the patriotic thing to do.
loftyhermes
Established Member
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