Joke Thread II

[Keith Cocker]

A Man washed up on a Beach after a Shipwreck.
Only a Sheep and a Sheepdog were washed-up with him.
After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a Deserted Island.
After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the Beach every evening to watch the Sunset.
One particular evening, the Sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the Sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the Sheep and put his arm around it.
The Sheepdog, ever-protective of the Sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the Sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the Sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed-by and, lo and behold, there was another Shipwreck.
The only survivor was Nicola Sturgeon.
That evening, the Man brought Nicola to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again.
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nicola and told her he hadn't had *** for months.
Nicola batted her Eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him..????
He said,
"Nicola, can you please take the Dog for a Walk"

Wotchit!! I quite fancy Nicola Sturgeon

 

[artie]

Wotchit!! I quite fancy Nicola Sturgeon

Deviations like that have no place on a family forum.

 

[IZZY]

Wotchit!! I quite fancy Nicola Sturgeon

Never mind, I'm sure it will wear off .

 

[John Brown]

View attachment 130840

You won't believe what Methuselah looks like at 969 years old!

 

[bushwhaker]

An elderly man was on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, a famous surgeon.
Just before they put him under, he asked to speak to his son:
"Don’t be nervous, boy, just do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your family."

---

Teacher: Use the words harassment to make a sentence.
Little Johnny: I dated this girl and her-***-meant a lot to me.

---

What do you call a bedpan in Russia?
A Poo-tin

 

[user 38384]

 

[dzj]

You won't believe what Methuselah looks like at 969 years old!

Yeah, "But who calls dat livin'..."

 

[J-G]

But who calls dat livin'...

When no gal'll give in ...

 

[kinverkid]

 

[John Brown]

The best rhyme? He made his home in that fish's abdomen...

 

[Suffolkboy]

 

[Jameshow]

View attachment 130903

You stole that joke from me in joke thread one...slat for slat ..!!!

 

[Suffolkboy]

You stole that joke from me in joke thread one...slat for slat ..

Bugger!

Sorry Jameshow. I recieved it in a Whatsapp group and was so keen to get it on here I didn't realise I had been beaten to it.

 

[TRITON]

In light of the tracksaw versus the saw bench thread(s)

 

[Pedronicus]

 

[Doug B]

 

[Linus]

Never mind, I'm sure it will wear off .

A Man washed up on a Beach after a Shipwreck.
Only a Sheep and a Sheepdog were washed-up with him.
After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a Deserted Island.
After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the Beach every evening to watch the Sunset.
One particular evening, the Sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the Sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the Sheep and put his arm around it.
The Sheepdog, ever-protective of the Sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the Sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the Sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed-by and, lo and behold, there was another Shipwreck.
The only survivor was Nicola Sturgeon.
That evening, the Man brought Nicola to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again.
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nicola and told her he hadn't had *** for months.
Nicola batted her Eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him..????
He said,
"Nicola, can you please take the Dog for a Walk"

I did hear tell that whilst at university her nickname was "seaweed" because not even the tide would take her out.

 

[Phil Pascoe]

pipper!

Sorry Jameshow. I recieved it in a Whatsapp group and was so keen to get it on here I didn't realise I had been beaten to it.

Several times.

 

[mikej460]

View attachment 130921

I kid you not this was exactly like my first car at 17 years old, the transfers, the colour and it was LHD. I bought the car for £45 from my cousin who brought it over from Germany and then added the transfers when Herbie was all the rage in 1974.

 

[Suffolkboy]

Several times.

Go on. Rub it in!