Joke Thread 5

[Sgian Dubh]

I went to a cafe the other day, ordered my food and sat at a table already occupied by another guy. We got chatting and I discovered he was called Gary Kasparov. My food arrived and I asked Gary to pass me the salt and pepper. I still can't quite understand why it took him nearly twenty two minutes to be able to do that.

 

[Jaco]

A husband walks into 'Victoria's Secret' to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price… the more sheer, the higher the price.

Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.

 

[Jaco]

A young Blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher at a junior high school.
She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking the ball.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
"You okay?"
"Yes" he's says.
"You can go and play with the other kids you know" she says.
" It's best I stay here" he says.
" Why's that Sweetie?" says the Blonde.
The boy looks at her, incredulously and says.........



"Because I am the Goalie"

 

[Doug B]

 

[kinverkid]

 

[Jaco]

A bloke is stretchered into casualty covered in bruises and with a nine iron wrapped around his neck. After the doctor has removed the club and dressed his wounds, he asks the bloke what had happened.

"I don't rightly know, Doc, " says the bloke. "The last thing I remember was playing golf with the lady wife. She teed off and sliced the ball straight into a neighbouring field of cows. I teed up and did exactly the same. So there we were, hacking around in this cow paddock looking for our balls when one of the cows flicked its tail and I caught a flash of white. I thought, 'It can't be' but went over and lifted the cow's tail and sure enough there was a ball lodged just beneath its tail. I remember holding the tail up and calling to the wife, 'Hey! This one looks like yours' and after that everything just went blank..."

 

[Daibach]

 

[Jaco]

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all Jews had
to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge
outcry from the Jewish community so the Pope offered a
deal.

He'd have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish
community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if
they lost, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jews picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them.
However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke
no Yiddish, they agreed it would be a silent debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat facing
each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The Rabbi responded by pointing to the ground.

The Pope produced a communion wafer and a chalice
of wine.

The Rabbi produced an apple.

With that, the Pope stood and declared himself beaten
and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could
stay in Italy.

Later, the cardinals met with the Pope and asked what
had happened.

The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent
the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger
to remind me there is still only one God common to both
our beliefs."

"Then I waved my finger around my head to show him God
is all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground
to show that God was also right here with us."

"I produced wine and a wafer to show that God absolves
us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of
the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could
not continue."

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the
Rabbi how he had won.

"I haven't a clue," the Rabbi said. "First he told me we had
three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger."

"Then he told me the whole country would be cleared
of Jews so I told him we were staying right here."

"And what then?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said the Rabbi. He took out his lunch
so I took out mine."

 

[Jaco]

Rabbi Goldstein was about to retire and decided he wanted to have something to remember his working life by.
He approached Abraham the local leather worker and produced a bag of 'offcuts' from his years of performing circumcisions.

'Abraham, make me something really special with these so I may remember all my years as a Rabbi' says the Rabbi, "yes Rabbi, I vill make for you something really special' replies Abraham.

Two weeks pass and the Rabbi returns to Abraham to see what he has crafted.

'Vot do you have for me Abraham' chortles the Rabbi, 'Ah Rabbi, I have something very special, a vollet' replies Abraham.

'Vollet, Shmollet, vot for I vont another vollet, I have hundred of vollets' protests the Rabbi, 'but this one is very special' replies Abraham, 'you rub it and it turns into an overnight bag'.

 

[Doug B]

 

[Daibach]

 

[Jaco]

Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling. Take cilibacy.

This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental
factors.

While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Allan and Mrs Wallan listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and
wives know the things that are important to each other,"

He addressed the men, "Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?"

Allan reached over, touched his wife on the arm and gently whispered....
..."Self raising, isn't it?"


Thus began Allan's life of celibacy.

 

[Doug B]

 

[Blackswanwood]

 

[Vulcan]

 

[Robbo3]

 

[Jaco]

The local priest and the local Rabbi were given new cars on the same day by their respective congregations.
The Rabbi noticed Father O'Malley sprinkling holy water on the Rabbi's car so he returned the favour by cutting an inch off Father O'Malley's exhaust pipe.



A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy.
What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
The Internal Revenue sends their auditor to audit a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says,"I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

"Yes," answered the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious way..."Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the Internal Revenue." "Internal Revenue!," questioned the auditor in disbelief.

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "Internal Revenue. And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."

 

[Amateur]

I used to drink a bottle of malt a day,two bottles of Crystal champagne and snack on Royal Beluga caviar.
But they stopped my winter fuel payment and I had to stop the cuban cigars.
Lifes bloody tough at the moment for us pensioners.

 

[kinverkid]

 

[Doug B]