Cozzer
Established Member
I'll have a word with the script writing team on your behalf, then.
Sorry to have disturbed your Daily Star reading time.
Joke Thread 4 (closed).
- Thread starter Noel
- Start date
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I'll have a word with the script writing team on your behalf, then.
Sorry to have disturbed your Daily Star reading time.
Jaco
Established Member
Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.
Remains to be seen.
There are a few issues. VAT on electricity for home users is only 5% so charging at home is pretty cheap at the moment. It’s not surprising that 93% of BEV drivers are charging at home. Currently it’s half the cost per mile compared to ICE if you charge at the cheaper night rate. Charging networks have to pay 20% VAT on electricity so they obviously pass this on to customers. There have been calls to reduce the VAT to make charging more economical. Some charging networks have been accused of price gouging as well. One of the cheapest is I believe the Tesla supercharger network. Tesla have agreements in several countries enabling them to supply electricity. I read they plan to install large underground batteries at some of their charging stations so they can charge them at the lower night rate and then offer customers competitive rates during the day. Some countries also have solar panels hooked up to charging stations to help lower prices.
Will
It will work out in the end but of course the Government will always want their share when the income from fuel duty drops.
RobinBHM
Established Member
I quit my job at the helium gas factory…..I refuse to be spoken to in that tone
Cozzer
Established Member
Popstars being hellraisers seem to have disappeared nowadays. Not like the 60's and 70's.
No Rollers in the pool, no TV through the windows, no wrecked hotel rooms.
Mind you, they weren't all like that.
Cliff, for example.
Kept his head down, and just enjoyed quietly slipping into the shadows.
(Short enough for you, Mr.Pascoe?)
No Rollers in the pool, no TV through the windows, no wrecked hotel rooms.
Mind you, they weren't all like that.
Cliff, for example.
Kept his head down, and just enjoyed quietly slipping into the shadows.
(Short enough for you, Mr.Pascoe?)
Robbo3
Established Member
Wrong forum
Should be in any of them but the joke forum.
We come in here to brighten up our day.
Not be depressed by stuff like this.
stuart little
Established Member
E
Exactly.
If people post in the incorrect forum elsewhere on this site don’t moderators move the posts to the correct/more relevant forum? Or is there just too much here for them to wade through…..? I just skip through now.
A young woman driving a flashy sports car was stopped by police doing 60mph in a 30 zone. The officer, jaded after many years of having seen it all, reached for his book and began to write out a ticket.
"But officer", the young woman said. "I thought that if a pretty young woman fluttered her eyelashes at an officer he would just let her off with a warning".
"That's right Miss", the officer replied, carrying on with the ticket. "But in YOUR case, you do not have to say anything, but it may harm your defence if you do not mention when questioned something which you later rely on in court...".....
"But officer", the young woman said. "I thought that if a pretty young woman fluttered her eyelashes at an officer he would just let her off with a warning".
"That's right Miss", the officer replied, carrying on with the ticket. "But in YOUR case, you do not have to say anything, but it may harm your defence if you do not mention when questioned something which you later rely on in court...".....
MorrisWoodman12
Established Member
It's the joke thread itself that has become the joke.
The joke thread is dead - again. Long live the joke thread.
Robbo3
Established Member
I've been asked to repost this from 2016.
King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."
Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression: "He who has a Tate's is lost!"
An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
Once upon a time there were three Indian squaws: One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, an d the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
A sceptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."
An African chief was forever buying a new thrones. Sadly he was killed when the building where he kept the old ones collapsed on top him, which goes to show that "people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones."
A woman gave birth to identical twins. Unfortunately, she and her husband were not able to keep them, so they were adopted. One boy went to an Egyptian couple and was named Amal; the other went to a Spanish couple and was named Juan.
Years later, Juan located his birth mother and sent her a letter and a photo.
"Oh" said the woman, "he's so handsome. I wish I had a photo of Amal"
"Silly you." said the husband. "They're identical twins. When you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal"
-----
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.
PMS jokes aren't funny; period.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there isn’t a pop quiz.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Velcro — what a rip off!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
-----------
My brother is a police officer. One day I asked him if anyone had ever tried to attack him, and he said that one time a crazed drunkard took a few swings at his police cruiser with an axe. I wanted to know: Did you submit an axe dent report?
My supervisor had just returned from a meeting with the various regional directors. He told me that the meeting had consisted primarily of everyone making all sorts of noise about not getting a fair proportion of the operating budget.
Ah! The din of inequity.
We were discussing space aliens at coffee break, and the subject of conversation ended up on their clothes. I remarked that they seem to always wear simple one-piece jumpsuits. One of my colleagues suggested that perhaps the only thing they're here for is to find apparel a bit more sporty. I speculated they might say: Take me to your lederhosen.
When my job was cut, I was lucky enough to find employment with a different department. I wanted to make sure that I would not lose any credits for vacation or sick leave not yet taken. I explained to my supervisor: I'm taking census of my leave.
I was in the office of a colleague discussing the software licensing arrangement our department had for a graphics display station. The hardware vendor had given us an unlimited free licence to the code, but only in relocateable format. I further explained: Object is no money.
One of my friends at work was describing a recent vacation she had taken to Greece. She was describing the practice at a small fishing village of collecting a particular variety of snail shell that was used to create the dye that the local people used to colour their clothing. She asked if any of us knew what it was called. When nobody replied, I said that I had never heard tell of such a thing. I went on to say: I think it's a pigment of your imagination.
------
Beethoven
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing!"
------------
Beach Seller
A couple lived near the sea and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around and then speak to them.
Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off. But occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something that she carried in her bag.
The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the police, but since they didn't know for sure, they decided to just continue watching her.
After a couple of weeks the wife said, 'Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?' He hadn't and said so.
Then she said, 'Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing.'
Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.. The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.
'Well, is she selling drugs?' she asked excitedly.
'No, she's not,' he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.
'Well, what is it then? What does she do ?' his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said, 'She's a battery salesperson.'
'Batteries?' cried the wife.
'Yes!' he replied.
'She Sells C Cells by the Seashore!'
--------
A Dark and Stormy Night..
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe... as it happens, near Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in.
An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.
He bursts in and shouts to his master:
"Master, Master! ....... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"
King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."
Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression: "He who has a Tate's is lost!"
An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
Once upon a time there were three Indian squaws: One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, an d the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
A sceptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."
An African chief was forever buying a new thrones. Sadly he was killed when the building where he kept the old ones collapsed on top him, which goes to show that "people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones."
A woman gave birth to identical twins. Unfortunately, she and her husband were not able to keep them, so they were adopted. One boy went to an Egyptian couple and was named Amal; the other went to a Spanish couple and was named Juan.
Years later, Juan located his birth mother and sent her a letter and a photo.
"Oh" said the woman, "he's so handsome. I wish I had a photo of Amal"
"Silly you." said the husband. "They're identical twins. When you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal"
-----
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.
PMS jokes aren't funny; period.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there isn’t a pop quiz.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Velcro — what a rip off!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
-----------
My brother is a police officer. One day I asked him if anyone had ever tried to attack him, and he said that one time a crazed drunkard took a few swings at his police cruiser with an axe. I wanted to know: Did you submit an axe dent report?
My supervisor had just returned from a meeting with the various regional directors. He told me that the meeting had consisted primarily of everyone making all sorts of noise about not getting a fair proportion of the operating budget.
Ah! The din of inequity.
We were discussing space aliens at coffee break, and the subject of conversation ended up on their clothes. I remarked that they seem to always wear simple one-piece jumpsuits. One of my colleagues suggested that perhaps the only thing they're here for is to find apparel a bit more sporty. I speculated they might say: Take me to your lederhosen.
When my job was cut, I was lucky enough to find employment with a different department. I wanted to make sure that I would not lose any credits for vacation or sick leave not yet taken. I explained to my supervisor: I'm taking census of my leave.
I was in the office of a colleague discussing the software licensing arrangement our department had for a graphics display station. The hardware vendor had given us an unlimited free licence to the code, but only in relocateable format. I further explained: Object is no money.
One of my friends at work was describing a recent vacation she had taken to Greece. She was describing the practice at a small fishing village of collecting a particular variety of snail shell that was used to create the dye that the local people used to colour their clothing. She asked if any of us knew what it was called. When nobody replied, I said that I had never heard tell of such a thing. I went on to say: I think it's a pigment of your imagination.
------
Beethoven
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing!"
------------
Beach Seller
A couple lived near the sea and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around and then speak to them.
Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off. But occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something that she carried in her bag.
The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the police, but since they didn't know for sure, they decided to just continue watching her.
After a couple of weeks the wife said, 'Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?' He hadn't and said so.
Then she said, 'Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing.'
Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.. The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.
'Well, is she selling drugs?' she asked excitedly.
'No, she's not,' he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.
'Well, what is it then? What does she do ?' his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said, 'She's a battery salesperson.'
'Batteries?' cried the wife.
'Yes!' he replied.
'She Sells C Cells by the Seashore!'
--------
A Dark and Stormy Night..
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe... as it happens, near Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in.
An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.
He bursts in and shouts to his master:
"Master, Master! ....... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"
Some of these remind me of the days of Frank Muir and Denis Norden ('think I might be showing my age here).
AES
Established Member
IMO, nothing wrong with showing your age mate. Although many say "different jokes appeal to different folks", I THINK I'm right in saying that "everybody" got at least several laughs out of Muir and Norden each time they appeared. They were simply GOOD. Which again IMO is a lot more than can be said for many of the jokes that appear in this thread. Even some of the "off topics" are MUCH more amusing/interesting than some of the "jokes".
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