Joke Thread 4 (closed).

[Yojevol]

I remember them with a great deal of fondness. What wonderful wordsmiths they both were.

The one I still remember was the, Frank Muir suggestion, as the the origin of 'Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious'. The explanation was a number of things he had to remember when his wife returned from holiday

Soup
A cauli flower
Fridge, to be mended with
Elastic band
Eggs
Peas
Halitosis tablets for the dog!!!

Phil

The other one is about Ghandi who was described as a:-
Super calloused fragile mystic plagued by halitosis
Brian

 

[cisamcgu]

Probably best if forgotten completely. Along with other tortured wordplay, like the cat who chewed your new shoes.
Just my opinion, and laying myself open to "let's see you do better".
On the other hand, I used to enjoy the improvised phrase mangling by Dennis Norden and Frank Muir at the close of "My Word!" on The Home Service, maybe because it was improvised, or possibly because I was nine.

Clever and funny maybe, but improvised ? Somehow I doubt that, I imagine they knew what the phrase was going to be well ahead of time.

 

[Amateur]

This chap was brave.
No way I'm having mine cut off just to exhibit on the amateur table for best in show.

 

[John Brown]

Clever and funny maybe, but improvised ? Somehow I doubt that, I imagine they knew what the phrase was going to be well ahead of time.

Good point.
From Wikipedia:

In the final round, each team was asked to give the origin of a famous phrase or quotation. In early shows, once the real answers were given, Muir and Norden were invited to explain the origin of the phrase less seriously, in the form of a feghoot. An early example was the quotation "Dead! And never called me mother!" from a stage adaptation of East Lynne, which became the exclamation of a youth coming out of a public telephone box which he had discovered to be out of order.[11] Later the first part of the round was dropped in favour of having the chairman simply announce the accepted origin of each phrase, thus opening up new fields of phrases that would have been too well known or too obscure to be posed as questions. In later series Muir and Norden chose their own phrases in advance of each programme, and their stories became longer and more convoluted.[11]

 

[John Brown]

This chap was brave.
No way I'm having mine cut off just to exhibit on the amateur table for best in show.

View attachment 164776

Oh I don't know, he's still got 5 left.

 

[Linus]

Oh I don't know, he's still got 5 lef

Good point.
From Wikipedia:

In the final round, each team was asked to give the origin of a famous phrase or quotation. In early shows, once the real answers were given, Muir and Norden were invited to explain the origin of the phrase less seriously, in the form of a feghoot. An early example was the quotation "Dead! And never called me mother!" from a stage adaptation of East Lynne, which became the exclamation of a youth coming out of a public telephone box which he had discovered to be out of order.[11] Later the first part of the round was dropped in favour of having the chairman simply announce the accepted origin of each phrase, thus opening up new fields of phrases that would have been too well known or too obscure to be posed as questions. In later series Muir and Norden chose their own phrases in advance of each programme, and their stories became longer and more convoluted.[11]

I believe there is a separate thread for discussion, dissection and analysis for jokes - please!!!!

 

[Alex H]

 

[Amateur]

I believe there is a separate thread for discussion, dissection and analysis for jokes - please!!!!

More chance of stopping the boats crossing the channel.

 

[Amateur]

 

[Concizat]

You'

This chap was brave.
No way I'm having mine cut off just to exhibit on the amateur table for best in show.

View attachment 164776

v

 

[Concizat]

You've got three?

 

[MorrisWoodman12]

Haven't you?

 

[Jaco]

A Kiwi and an Australian go to a pastry shop.

The Kiwi whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed.

The baker doesn’t notice.

The Kiwi says to the Australian: "You see how clever we are? You’ll never beat that!"

The Australian says to the Kiwi; "Watch this, an Australian is always cleverer than a Kiwi."

He says to the baker, "Give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!"

The baker gives him the cookie which the Australian promptly eats.

Then he says to the baker: "Give me another cookie for my magic trick."

The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him.

He eats this one too.

Then he says again: "Give me one more cookie..."

The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway.

The Australian eats this one too.

Now the baker is really mad, and he yells: "And where is your famous magic trick?"

The Australian says: "Look in the Kiwi’s pocket!"

 

[Amateur]

You'

v

???????

 

[Concizat]

???????

Finger trouble

 

[Doug B]

 

[Amateur]

 

[Jaco]

An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles, put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work."

The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

The Australian doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. Five years ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no balls and made him Prime Minister. Now, the whole country is looking for work!"

 

[Jaco]

• Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.
• I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
• I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
• Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.
• Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
• A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age.' The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well.'
• A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'
  The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.
• A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'.
  The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'.
• I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
• Slept like a log last night ........ woke up in the fireplace.
• Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.
• Two blondes walked into a building. You'd have thought one would have seen it.
• I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?'
  So he gave me a kite.
• I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.
  Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
• I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for 'flu.
  So I went, and I got it.'

 

[Jaco]

Mechanic v Doctor Story​

Allan, a mechanic, was removing a cylinder head from a Harley-Davidson motorbike, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his garage. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.

Allan shouted across the garage, 'Hey Doc can I ask you a question?' The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to Allan. Allan straightened up,
wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open hearts, take valves out, fix'em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I work for a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?'

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over and whispered in Allan's ear, 'Try doing it with the engine running.'