Language has become dishonest - a device for deceit as much as for communication. So says a thought-provoking new book by a Church of England vicar, the Rev Peter Mullen. Here, the Mail’s incomparable sketch-writer QUENTIN LETTS picks his favourite entries from The Politically Incorrect Lexicon...
Abuse – what child-molesters claim they suffered as children to excuse their crimes.
Adult – filthy, pornographic.
Alpha course on Christianity – pizza and chardonnay club.
Alcopop – highly sweetened alcoholic drink produced to encourage children to take up drinking as a lifetime habit.
Attitude – random belligerence.
Burglar – nocturnal thief who enjoys the protection of the law against householders who defend their property against his incursion.
Capital punishment – just punishment for murder, since the abolition of which murders in Britain have increased twelvefold.
Carrier bag – device for rustling during concerts and recitals.
Celebrity – someone you’ve never heard of.
Christian fellowship –—– a congregation of mawkish literalists, arms raised, repeating tirelessly in chorus words that weren’t worth singing once.
Communicate effectively – communicate.
Condom – the nearest sex education gets to morality.
Controversial – sexually explicit, exhibitionist, blasphemous, ie uncontroversial.
CV – a brief, fictionalised autobiography.
Credit – debt.
Diet – a fast. The only religious observance honoured in modern society.
Doctor – go-between for the patient and the undertaker.
Dogs – essential requirements for use of escalators, as in ‘dogs must be carried on the escalator’.
Domestic goddess – television cook with big boobs.
Euthanasia – principle by which high-minded people arrange the disposal of those who are a nuisance because they are old and ill.
Extra virgin – what does she do for the extra bit?
Curriculum Vitae: A brief, fictionalised autobiography according to Rev Peter Mullen
Curriculum Vitae: A brief, fictionalised autobiography according to Rev Peter Mullen
Extremist – a person who actually believes what he says he believes.
Fantastic – averagely enjoyable.
Feisty – adj, of a hysterically aggressive, vulgar woman.
Fluke – a good shot by your sporting opponent.
Folk music – songs about rustics and peasants sung heartily by Left-wing schoolteachers, lawyers and dentists.
Happy Clappy - People who claim to have been born again whereas they were only born yesterday
Free gift – tautology.
Friend – the associate of a celebrity who sells details of the celeb’s private life.
God (1) – for the mass of the population, an expletive.
God (2) – for the bishops, a metaphor for Left-wing political ideals.
Grieving process – that which the bereaved are commanded to endure by psychologists and counsellors.
Holistic approach – a fudge.
I’m good – no you’re not, you are well.
Impact on – affect.
Doctor: the go-between for the patient and the undertaker
In care – of a child whose family doesn’t care.
Indoctrination – that which the Church used to do legitimately, now done by government. See Global warming, anti-racism.
Intellectual – common misspelling of ineffectual.
Issues – problems. As in ‘he has issues with drink’.
I was stood – schoolteachers’ and BBC journalists’ phrase for I was standing.
Liberal – those who persecute anyone not sharing their view.
Life imprisonment – a short spell in jail.
Light entertainment – heavy tedium.
Loses out – loses.
Love child – accidental b*****d.
Martyr (Christian) – Someone who gives his life for his faith.
Martyr (Islam) – Someone who takes the lives of others for his faith.
Me – used by media types to demonstrate their street-cred in place of the nominative, eg: ‘Me and the series producer was heading for the wine bar.’
Mobile phone – actually there is no such thing: there are portable phones.
Morning hours – BBC weather presenters’ phrase for morning.
Move on – what people are said to be able to do when they have achieved ‘closure’. Also, what politicians want to do when caught wasting public money on pet projects, breaking election promises, telling lies etc.
Nucular – BBC presenters’ word for nuclear.
Overseas aid – taxing the poor in rich countries to give to the rich in poor countries.
Indoctrination: that which the Church used to do legitimately, now done by government. See Global warming, anti-racism
Indoctrination: that which the Church used to do legitimately, now done by government
Pacifist – someone who expects you to die for his principles; one who believes it is wrong to use force to defend a child from enemy violence.
Partner – any shack-up sexual relationship that lasts longer than three days.
Party – to drink excessively, take illicit drugs and fornicate, usually against a background of pop music.
Pedestrian – an obstacle in the street.
Peacekeeping – as in ‘the United Nations peacekeeping force’. A company of soldiers that stands by and observes massacres and genocide in eg Bosnia or Sudan.
Positive discrimination – racism against white people.
Rights – demands.
Satire – now impossible.
Self-help book – bundle of irrational advice and superstitious maxims that makes a fortune for its writer.
Sex education - Inculcation of promiscuity among children by telling them how easy it is to procure an abortion
Self-esteem – narcissism.
Sin – currently a lifestyle choice.
Slimmers – people on perpetual diets who stay fat.
Socialist – one who extorts your taxes so he can waste the money on fanciful ideological projects.
Social inclusion – the policy of including those who, for their antisocial behaviour, ought to be excluded.
Soulmate – drinking partner. Rare use of the anachronism ‘soul’.
Spin – that which replaced truth.
Studio debate – slanging match.
Tate Modern – a disused power station in London currently used to house rubbish.
Teetotaller – a person who stays awake in the late-night TV film.
Terminally ill – dying.
The Peace – the noisiest part of modern church services in which unsuspecting visitors are shaken by the hand, kissed, cuddled, hugged or otherwise molested.
The People’s – of the mob.
Peacekeeping: as in 'the United Nations peacekeeping force'. A company of soldiers that stands by and observes massacres and genocide in eg Bosnia or Sudan.
The Poor (1) – people on benefits. Owners of portable phones. Subscribers to satellite television.
The Poor (2) – the real poor, ie those not on benefits, who work for a living and whose taxes pay others’ benefits.
Therapist – overpaid sentimentalist with a plaque on his door.
Totally destroyed – destroyed.
Tragedy – any accident, train crash, mass murder or earthquake, etc. Especially a terrorist atrocity. Or a British tennis player failing to win Wimbledon. Formerly, the fall from greatness because of a character flaw, eg Hamlet foiled by his indecision.
Vegetarian – person who believes it is your moral responsibility to provide him with a nut roast when he comes to dinner but won’t give you a steak when you go to his.
Young people – Youths who undertake charitable works.
Youths – Young people when they are misbehaving.
From The Politically Incorrect Lexicon, by the Rev Peter Mullen, Bretwalda Books, £9.99.
Roy.
Abuse – what child-molesters claim they suffered as children to excuse their crimes.
Adult – filthy, pornographic.
Alpha course on Christianity – pizza and chardonnay club.
Alcopop – highly sweetened alcoholic drink produced to encourage children to take up drinking as a lifetime habit.
Attitude – random belligerence.
Burglar – nocturnal thief who enjoys the protection of the law against householders who defend their property against his incursion.
Capital punishment – just punishment for murder, since the abolition of which murders in Britain have increased twelvefold.
Carrier bag – device for rustling during concerts and recitals.
Celebrity – someone you’ve never heard of.
Christian fellowship –—– a congregation of mawkish literalists, arms raised, repeating tirelessly in chorus words that weren’t worth singing once.
Communicate effectively – communicate.
Condom – the nearest sex education gets to morality.
Controversial – sexually explicit, exhibitionist, blasphemous, ie uncontroversial.
CV – a brief, fictionalised autobiography.
Credit – debt.
Diet – a fast. The only religious observance honoured in modern society.
Doctor – go-between for the patient and the undertaker.
Dogs – essential requirements for use of escalators, as in ‘dogs must be carried on the escalator’.
Domestic goddess – television cook with big boobs.
Euthanasia – principle by which high-minded people arrange the disposal of those who are a nuisance because they are old and ill.
Extra virgin – what does she do for the extra bit?
Curriculum Vitae: A brief, fictionalised autobiography according to Rev Peter Mullen
Curriculum Vitae: A brief, fictionalised autobiography according to Rev Peter Mullen
Extremist – a person who actually believes what he says he believes.
Fantastic – averagely enjoyable.
Feisty – adj, of a hysterically aggressive, vulgar woman.
Fluke – a good shot by your sporting opponent.
Folk music – songs about rustics and peasants sung heartily by Left-wing schoolteachers, lawyers and dentists.
Happy Clappy - People who claim to have been born again whereas they were only born yesterday
Free gift – tautology.
Friend – the associate of a celebrity who sells details of the celeb’s private life.
God (1) – for the mass of the population, an expletive.
God (2) – for the bishops, a metaphor for Left-wing political ideals.
Grieving process – that which the bereaved are commanded to endure by psychologists and counsellors.
Holistic approach – a fudge.
I’m good – no you’re not, you are well.
Impact on – affect.
Doctor: the go-between for the patient and the undertaker
In care – of a child whose family doesn’t care.
Indoctrination – that which the Church used to do legitimately, now done by government. See Global warming, anti-racism.
Intellectual – common misspelling of ineffectual.
Issues – problems. As in ‘he has issues with drink’.
I was stood – schoolteachers’ and BBC journalists’ phrase for I was standing.
Liberal – those who persecute anyone not sharing their view.
Life imprisonment – a short spell in jail.
Light entertainment – heavy tedium.
Loses out – loses.
Love child – accidental b*****d.
Martyr (Christian) – Someone who gives his life for his faith.
Martyr (Islam) – Someone who takes the lives of others for his faith.
Me – used by media types to demonstrate their street-cred in place of the nominative, eg: ‘Me and the series producer was heading for the wine bar.’
Mobile phone – actually there is no such thing: there are portable phones.
Morning hours – BBC weather presenters’ phrase for morning.
Move on – what people are said to be able to do when they have achieved ‘closure’. Also, what politicians want to do when caught wasting public money on pet projects, breaking election promises, telling lies etc.
Nucular – BBC presenters’ word for nuclear.
Overseas aid – taxing the poor in rich countries to give to the rich in poor countries.
Indoctrination: that which the Church used to do legitimately, now done by government. See Global warming, anti-racism
Indoctrination: that which the Church used to do legitimately, now done by government
Pacifist – someone who expects you to die for his principles; one who believes it is wrong to use force to defend a child from enemy violence.
Partner – any shack-up sexual relationship that lasts longer than three days.
Party – to drink excessively, take illicit drugs and fornicate, usually against a background of pop music.
Pedestrian – an obstacle in the street.
Peacekeeping – as in ‘the United Nations peacekeeping force’. A company of soldiers that stands by and observes massacres and genocide in eg Bosnia or Sudan.
Positive discrimination – racism against white people.
Rights – demands.
Satire – now impossible.
Self-help book – bundle of irrational advice and superstitious maxims that makes a fortune for its writer.
Sex education - Inculcation of promiscuity among children by telling them how easy it is to procure an abortion
Self-esteem – narcissism.
Sin – currently a lifestyle choice.
Slimmers – people on perpetual diets who stay fat.
Socialist – one who extorts your taxes so he can waste the money on fanciful ideological projects.
Social inclusion – the policy of including those who, for their antisocial behaviour, ought to be excluded.
Soulmate – drinking partner. Rare use of the anachronism ‘soul’.
Spin – that which replaced truth.
Studio debate – slanging match.
Tate Modern – a disused power station in London currently used to house rubbish.
Teetotaller – a person who stays awake in the late-night TV film.
Terminally ill – dying.
The Peace – the noisiest part of modern church services in which unsuspecting visitors are shaken by the hand, kissed, cuddled, hugged or otherwise molested.
The People’s – of the mob.
Peacekeeping: as in 'the United Nations peacekeeping force'. A company of soldiers that stands by and observes massacres and genocide in eg Bosnia or Sudan.
The Poor (1) – people on benefits. Owners of portable phones. Subscribers to satellite television.
The Poor (2) – the real poor, ie those not on benefits, who work for a living and whose taxes pay others’ benefits.
Therapist – overpaid sentimentalist with a plaque on his door.
Totally destroyed – destroyed.
Tragedy – any accident, train crash, mass murder or earthquake, etc. Especially a terrorist atrocity. Or a British tennis player failing to win Wimbledon. Formerly, the fall from greatness because of a character flaw, eg Hamlet foiled by his indecision.
Vegetarian – person who believes it is your moral responsibility to provide him with a nut roast when he comes to dinner but won’t give you a steak when you go to his.
Young people – Youths who undertake charitable works.
Youths – Young people when they are misbehaving.
From The Politically Incorrect Lexicon, by the Rev Peter Mullen, Bretwalda Books, £9.99.
Roy.
