Great Rejoinders

[Stan]

A thread for those great witty replies and put-downs throughout history. Please include even if they are more alleged than actual, as long as they are witty/funny/clever.

A couple to get it started:


George Bernard Shaw sent Winston Churchill two tickets for the first night of his new play, along with a note which said "bring a friend, if you have one". Churchill replied with an apology saying he was otherwise engaged that night, but please could he have two tickets for the second night, "if you have one".
*
Philip II of Macedon invaded Southern Greece. He then sent a message to Sparta asking whether he should come as an enemy or friend. They sent the one-word reply "neither". Philip then sent a message saying that if he invaded he would "turn them out". Their reply was a single word - "if".

 

[Geoff_S]

A famous one, allegedly:

Bessie Braddock MP: “Winston, you are drunk, and what’s more you are disgustingly drunk.”

Churchill: “Bessie, my dear, you are ugly, and what’s more, you are disgustingly ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober and you will still be disgustingly ugly.”

 

[AES]

Or the other well known Bessie Braddock/Churchill one:

BB: "If I were your wife I'd poison your dinner".

WC: Madam, if you were my wife I'd eat it".

Not being pedantic, but aren't these actually rejoiners (no d in there). A typo I presume.

I read somewhere that far from being off-the-cuff rejoiners, WC used to practice beforehand, AND used to "pre-salt" his speeches to trigger the Opposition responses, so allowing him to spring such "off-the-cuff" witticsms.

 

[J-G]

Not being pedantic, but aren't these actually rejoiners (no d in there). A typo I presume.

Not at all Andy - very similar spelling but very different meanings

 

[AES]

Not at all Andy - very similar spelling but very different meanings

OK, "every day's a learning day". Thanks

 

[Yojevol]

Or the other well known Bessie Braddock/Churchill one:

BB: "If I were your wife I'd poison your dinner".

WC: Madam, if you were my wife I'd eat it".

Not being pedantic, but aren't these actually rejoiners (no d in there). A typo I presume.

I read somewhere that far from being off-the-cuff rejoiners, WC used to practice beforehand, AND used to "pre-salt" his speeches to trigger the Opposition responses, so allowing him to spring such "off-the-cuff" witticsms.

Not being pedantic, Andy, but isn't witticisms spelt witticisms

 

[Yojevol]

Question to Peter Crouch:-
What would you be if you hadn't met Abbey?
Peter:-
A virgin

 

[Phil Pascoe]

Or Eric Morecambe when asked what he and Ernie would have been had they not been comedians - Mike and Bernie Winters.

 

[Yojevol]

Or the other well known Bessie Braddock/Churchill one:

BB: "If I were your wife I'd poison your dinner".

WC: Madam, if you were my wife I'd eat it".

Not being pedantic, but aren't these actually rejoiners (no d in there). A typo I presume.

I read somewhere that far from being off-the-cuff rejoiners, WC used to practice beforehand, AND used to "pre-salt" his speeches to trigger the Opposition responses, so allowing him to spring such "off-the-cuff" witticsms.

There is some doubt about the authenticity of these quips. Nancy Astor is also said to have been on the receiving end.
Here's the other one at her expense:-
Lady Astor: "Mr Churchill, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your tea."
Winston Churchill: "Madam, if I were your husband, I'd drink it."
Both of them are rehashes of earlier repartees by other people.
Brian

 

[artie]

This is a true one.

Out for a meal one evening we were seated close to a party of mature females, it appeared the were celebrating the birthday of one of them.

Further down there was a table of four quite elderly gentlemen.

The ladies were quite boisterous but kept to themselves.

Eventually one of the gentlemen made his way to the table and jokingly announced "I'm your stripogram"

With not even a seconds hesitation, the lady nearest to him replied "I want my money back"

 

[recipio]

Not exactly a rejoiner but I always remember the quip by Oscar Wilde when Bosie ( Lord Alfred Douglas ) threw a present of a cigarette box back at him - ' Sir, pleasures must be paid for '

 

[AJB Temple]

Rejoiner: someone with remorse for voting Brexit
Rejoinder: someone capable or repairing a broken stick

 

[paulrbarnard]

Rejoinder: someone capable or repairing a broken stick

Wouldn’t that be a rejointer?

 

[Stan]

https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/rejoinder

 

[John Brown]

Or the other well known Bessie Braddock/Churchill one:

BB: "If I were your wife I'd poison your dinner".

WC: Madam, if you were my wife I'd eat it".

Not being pedantic, but aren't these actually rejoiners (no d in there). A typo I presume.

I read somewhere that far from being off-the-cuff rejoiners, WC used to practice beforehand, AND used to "pre-salt" his speeches to trigger the Opposition responses, so allowing him to spring such "off-the-cuff" witticsms.

My stepmother's father worked for WC, and he (WC) apparently referred to his(WC's) "long premeditated Impromptus".

 

[recipio]

Speaking of WC the great man was once interrupted in the actual WC by his secretary who shouted ' Sir the Privy Seal is here to see you ' To which he replied ' Tell him I'm sealed in the Privy '

 

[Phil Pascoe]

and can only deal with one $#1t at a time.

 

[DrPhill]

my best ever (perhaps only ) rejoinders..
in response to "the trouble with men is that they think with their b&lls" was "so do women"
and in response to "now you are being pedantic" "it depends on your definition of pedantic"

Not much to show for a long life I guess......

 

[artie]

Should this be here or in the joke thread?

A refined and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”

The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”

The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, “You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

 

[Fergie 307]

Naval one I think from the med. A submarine commander, having submerged during an air attack and consequently fallen behind sent a message to the commander of the force, on a battleship. "In the event of further attacks will endeavour to remain on the surface" the reply "ditto".