Cooperisms

[woodbloke]

Can anyone add to these? - Rob

I took my dog to the vet, he said ''Ill have to put him down'' I said ''why'', he said
'' he's too heavy''

I went to the doctor's today.
He said... 'get on the table.'
I said 'why'... He said 'I want to sweep the floor'.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said, 'You've been promoted. 'And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said, 'You've been promoted again. 'And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said, 'you're managing director. 'And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said, ' What happened to you?' And I said, 'I careered off the road'.

So I walked into a bar once and I said..."ouch" I said "that hurt"
"Why did it hurt?" said my mate
"Well, it was an iron bar!"

Last night I slept like a log, I woke up in the fire place.

 

[wizer]

spoon jar - jar spoon

 

[Peter T]

I went to the barber and said "How much for a haircut?"
The barber said "5 Shillings."
I said "How much for a shave?"
"3 shillings" the barber replied.
I said "OK, shave my head!"

 

[CNC Paul]

A friend of mine picked up Tommy in his cab, at the end of the journey he paid the cab fare, he stuffed something in my friend top pocket as said have a drink on me, he drove off with a smile on his face, further down the road he went to his pocket and found a tea bag..... Priceless

 

[loftyhermes]

Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in..

 

[WellsWood]

Last night I had a dream I was eating a 10lb marshmallow...


when I woke up my pillow was gone.

 

[toysandboats]

Not sure if they're genuine Tommy C. jokes but in the right vein!

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

A set of jumper leads walk into a bar.
The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says:
'A beer please, and one for the road.'

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
'Does this taste funny to you ?'

'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.'
'Is it common ?'
'Well, It's Not Unusual.'

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.'
'I don't believe you,' says Dolly.
'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs !'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms !'

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

What do you call a fish with no eyes ?
A fsh.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says, 'Dam !'

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

David Ward

 

[loftyhermes]

I went to the doctors. He said 'I'd like you to lie on the couch'. I said 'What for?'
He said 'I'd like to sweep the floor'

I went to the doctors. He said 'What appears to be the problem?'.
I said 'I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away'.
He said 'How can I help?'.
I said 'Break my arms!'

I went to the doctor the other day,
I said 'it hurts when I do that'
he said ' well don't do it'

My wife had a go at me last night. She said 'You'll drive me to my grave'.
I had the car out in thirty seconds.

I went up into the attic and found a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt.
Unfortunately Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Rembrandt made lousy violins.

One year I got a bike for my birthday. So I went peddling off down the road and knocked an old lady down.
'Can't you ring your bell?' She said. 'I can ring my bell,' I said 'But I can't ride my bike'

We were coming in to land, and it affects your ears, doesn't it?
The Stewardess gave me chewing gum.
I put it in my ear. Took two days to get it out.

This little old lady was frightened. She looked at me, she said 'Do something religious'.
So I took up a collection.

A policeman stopped me the other night, he taps on the window of the car and says:
'Would you please blow into this bag, Sir'.
I said: 'What for, Officer?'
He says: 'My chips are too hot'.

I got stopped again last night by another policeman. He says:
'I'd like to follow you to the nearest Police Station'.
I said 'What For?'.
He said: 'I've forgotten the way'.

So I said to the taxi driver, 'King Arthur's Close'. He said,
'Don't worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights'

A man walks into a greengrocer's and says, I want five pounds of potatoes please.
And the greengrocer says, we only sell kilos.
So the man says, all right then, I'll have five pounds of kilos.

I had a meal last night,
I ordered everything in French,
surprised everybody,
It was a Chinese restaurant.

And he said 'My dog doesn't eat meat'.
I said 'Why not?'.
He said 'We don't give him any'

I knocked at my friend's door and his wife answered the door.
I said 'Is Jim in?'.
She didn't reply, just stood there looking at me.
So I asked again. Just then a woman appeared at his wife's elbow.
'Sorry luv' she said 'We buried him last Thursday'.
'He didn't say anything about a pot of yellow paint before he went, did he?'

I went to Blackpool on holiday and knocked at the first boarding house that I came to.
A women stuck her head out of an upstairs window and said 'What do you want?'.
'I'd like to stay here'
'Ok. Stay there'.

I went to the doctor. He said 'you've got a very serious illness'.
I said 'I want a second opinion'.
He said 'all right, you're ugly as well'.

I went to the doctor the other day
I said 'have you got anything for wind'
so he gave me a kite.

When I was in the scouts, the leader told me to pitch a tent.
I couldn't find any pitch, so I used creosote.

I got home from work and the wife said - I'm very sorry dear, but the cat's eaten your dinner'.
I said 'Don't worry - I'll get you a new cat'.

I've always been unlucky.
I had a rocking horse once, and it died.

I said to the waiter, I said 'This chicken I've got is cold'.
He said 'I should think so. It's been dead for two weeks'.
'Not only that', I said, 'It's got one leg shorter than the other'.
He said 'What do you want to do, eat it or dance with it?'

Sometimes I drink my whiskey neat.
Other times I take my tie off and leave my shirt out.

I'm on a whisky diet,
i've lost three days already.

My wife and I were fighting like hammer and tongs.
She won, she had the hammer.

My wife phoned me just before the show and said,
'I've got water in the carburetor,
I said 'Where's the car'
She said 'In the river'

I hurt my back the day.
I was playing piggy back with my 6 year old nephew, and I fell off.

This fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant lying on the ground, in distress.
He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot.
He removes it, and the elephant trots merrily away.
Twenty years on, the man is standing in the street in London watching a circus procession pass by.
When the elephant gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him, reaches out with its trunk, lifts him bodily into the air, smashes him on the ground and jumps on him.
It was a different elephant.

"I was nearly a step-child,
my Mother said she would have left me on someone's doorstep if she'd had half a chance."

"My mother was always pulling my leg,
that's why one is six inches longer than the other."

"I bumped into an old acquaintance the other day,
he told me he had taken a job as a postman.
He said it was better than walking the streets."

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him.
I said "Do you earn a living doing that?" He said
"Yes, this is my livelihood."

I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife.
Filthy, dirty and covered with cobwebs....
but she's good with the kids....

I slept like a log last night. I woke up in a fireplace.....

Tommy Cooper was introduced to the Queen after a Royal Command Performance.
'Do you think I was funny?' said Tommy.
'Yes Tommy,' said the Queen.
'You really thought I was funny?', said Tommy.
'Yes of course I thought you were funny' said the Queen.
'Did your Mother think I was funny?' said Tommy.
'Yes, Tommy...' said the Queen, '...we both thought you were funny.'
'Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?' said Tommy.
'No, ..." said the Queen, '....but I might not be able to give you a full answer.'
'Do you like football?' said Tommy.
'Well not really ' said the Queen.'
'In that case, ...' said Tommy, '....do you mind if I have your Cup Final Tickets?'

I was in Margate last year for the summer season.
A friend of mine said, "You want to go to Margate, it's good for rheumatism."
So I did, and I got it....


So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check
tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a
condiment".

I bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas!
It's not her main present, just a stocking filler......

I bumped into an old friend the other day.
He's got poor eyesight as well!

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was brilliant.

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
"Is it common? "
"It's not unusual."

"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'.
He said Hundreds & thousands?'
I said 'We'll start with one.'
He said 'Knickerbocker glory?'
I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

Guy goes into the doctor's.
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside
"How's that?"
"Don't you start"

"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then"

A man walked into the doctors,
The doctor said " I haven't seen you in a long time "
The man replied "I know I've been ill"

A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places.
The doctor said "well don't go there any more"


A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's crosseyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's crosseyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"

I bought a greyhound about a month ago,
A friend of mine said to me,
'what are you going to do with it?'
I said 'i'm going to race it'.
He said 'by the look of it, I think you'll beat it'

Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

What's brown and sounds like a bell?
DUNG

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.

So I went to the dentist.
He said "Say Aaah."
I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died.'"

For the scientifically minded.
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.'
The other says 'Are you sure?'
The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive... '

passed a cemetry this morning & saw 6 men wandering about carrying a coffin
passed again a couple of hrs later & saw the same men with the same coffin
said to myself "they've lost the plot"

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What? Because he's cross-eyed? '
'No, because he's really heavy'

'Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.'
'Well you can't say fairer than that then'

Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

So I went to the dentist.
He said 'Say Aaah.'
I said 'Why?'
He said 'My dog's died.'

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said 'You are.'

So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
So I rang up a local building firm,
I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them.

It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he
said 'You've been promoted.'
And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.'
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'
And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said
'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.'

Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me
'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give
me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other
'Does this taste funny to you?'

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and
the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice.

A man walked into the doctors,
The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'
The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'

A man walked into the doctors,
he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'well don't go to those places'

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

I bought some HP sauce the other day.
It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one
of them would have seen it.

Phone answering machine message -
'...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key...'

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
A strong currant pulled him in.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.
They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all
that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands.

Police say that he topped himself.

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.'
The other one says 'So are you, you fat slob!'

 

[Steve Maskery]

My memory of TC was at the Blackpool Magic Convention in 1973 or 4. I'd just joined the Mercian Mystics Society in Stoke (I jest not) and it was my first convention. Registration was £2.40 and that included a 3-course sit-down dinner. Today it costs £120, no food. But I digress.

TC and Ken Dodd were both fanatics about magic. KD always has a magic act as a support in his shows, usually a youngster setting out in the Business.

On this particular day, TC and KD were attracting a small crowd of fans/oglers/hangers-on like me. We were standing around listening to them, when they both, simultaneously, held on to each other to stop themselves from falling over. It was ten o'clock in the morning, they had been up all night, enjoying the "ambiance" and were, how can I put this non-libelously, carefree. That'll do.

Another magician I know invited TC to his house when he was performing in Nottingham. TC didn't drive, and this guy had offered to act as chauffeur. TC asked for a cup of tea, which was duly brewed, but TC let it go cold and asked for another. Another pot was made, which went cold. And a third. When TC left he complained that he's never been so rudely treated in his life, never even offered a cup of tea. I think that, like many genii, he must have been a very strange individual.

Personally I never found him that funny, but my dad used to laugh his socks off.

On the other hand, KD - "What a beautiful day! What a beautiful day for jumping in the North Sea and gassing yourself!

"I believe in safe ***. I've had this hand-rail installed all round my bed."

S

 

[big soft moose]

Outside of a dog , a book is a mans best freind
inside of a dog its too dark to read !

(okay so i think that was Wilde - but cooper would have said it if he'd thought of it first )

 

[joiner_sim]

A women went to see her doctor. She said "Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains!" He replied "Pull your self together women"

:sign3:

 

[Chris By The River]

I was one of seven kids and we all had to sleep in the same bed - we used to fight for the shallow end!

 

[hog&bodge]

I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife. Filthy, dirty
and covered with cobwebs... but she's good with the kids..

Shame the curtain came down on him.... :lol:

 

[hog&bodge]

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They
left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that
was nice.


He parked it like that not like that.. like that

 

[Escudo]

I always remember that funny sketch in Peter Sellers film...

When Sellers says in that funny french accent,

"Does your doggy bite?"

The fella he asks says no, Sellers proceeds to pet the animal and it goes for him.

Sellers challenges the bloke about the incident and he replies,

"That's not my doggy"

So simple, but very very funny :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[big soft moose]

the wife said to me the other day " I'm so sick of being patronised"

I said "you shouldnt worry your pretty little head about things like that"