Another Joke

[The_Yellow_Ardvark]

I'm a riceist and so should you be.

This post will be controversial to say the least.

Continue at your own peril. But before you do, read the title again! Take a deep breath and know that it's not a typo.

So... I'm a riceist. There I said it. I'm out of the rice closet and I'm proud of it too!

I'm a riceist!

White rice, brown rice, whole rice and even (gasp) wild rice. I don't like them all. Sure, I'll have sushi or a Thai curry with rice but if I could exchange the rice with something else I would. I have. Because that's what riceists do.

I know you must be sitting there gaping at my words in disbelief but it's true. Rice, that white, brown or red little grain is not something I'm overly fond of. Sure, rice feeds the world. It's a cheap staple diet of most places but think about it, it's a prima-donna.

Cook it too much and it turns to mush.
Cook it too little and it stays hard and gets between your teeth.

It's also full of sugars and has little nutritional value.

Don't get me wrong I'm good at cooking rice.

Just because I'm a riceist doesn't mean I can't use it. But if I had my way I would replace it with pasta.

 

[Cordy]

Thanks to our mutual dislike of newspaper puzzles, my wife and I have enjoyed a long and happy marriage.

Thirty years and not a crossword.

 

[Robbo3]

 

[BHwoodworking]

lol

brilliant

 

[flying haggis]

 

[flying haggis]

 

[flying haggis]

 

[Garno]

 

[woodhutt]

You might have seen in the 'Tools' section that I'm restoring a couple of Stanley No. 5's.
One made in the US and one in Canada so I named them Trump and Trudeau to distinguish them.
Yesterday I was working on flattening Trump's sole when SWMBO brought me a cuppa and I told her about the naming. She asked why I would give such a nice tool (she's learning) such a nasty name and that she wouldn't be surprised if the tool refused to perform well out of sheer spite.
I laughed and asked if she really believed that an inanimate object could have feelings.
She said, "Why not? You do."
She has a cruel tongue...
Pete

 

[Just4Fun]

I laughed and asked if she really believed that an inanimate object could have feelings.
She said, "Why not? You do."
She has a cruel tongue...

Perhaps all wives do.
I remember during my first summer over here in the land of the midnight sun I said to my wife that I thought it was the light at night that was keeping me awake. Her reply? "It doesn't seem to bother you in the mornings".

 

[Trainee neophyte]

I was shown the following this morning, but as I don't have Facebook and I can't find the original meme, I have assembled it separately - not my own work, in other words.

 

[Bm101]

It's alright. It's fake news.
Look at that jacket. That's a union cavalry jacket decorated with symbols of the Native American population. Think about that for a second.

 

[Phil Pascoe]

A lad I worked with many moons ago got an infestation of crustacea. He was foolish enough to tell someone who told everyone else - I remember the head chef asking what colour the ointment was - white, was the reply. Oh, it was blue in my day, came the answer (he was ex merchant navy). By the bye. He came to work the following day to find a Posy cartoon on the staff notice board. Two characters fishing in a seaside pool, with one labelled Mitch and the other Mitch"s missus, and captioned "Happiness is catching crabs together".

 

[Garno]

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her ******l lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy
Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.


Awakening from the anaesthetist after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. 'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!'

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: 'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.'
'The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood because she had had the same procedure done some time ago.'
'And what about the third rose?' she asked.


'That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.'

 

[Cordy]

As me and my wife headed off on a romantic holiday, we talked about what kinky things we'd like to do to each other.

She said "I've always wanted to be handcuffed"

So I planted a kilo of cocaine in her suitcase!

 

[bushwhaker]

A woman texts to her husband: "Honey, don't forget to buy bread when you come home from work and your girlfriend Valerie greets you."
Husband: Who's Valerie?
Wife: Nobody, I just wanted you to answer, to have confirmation that you saw my message.
Husband: But I’m with Valerie right now, I thought you saw me?
Wife: What?! Where are you?!
Husband: Near the neighborhood bakery.
Wife: Wait, I'm coming right now!
After 5 minutes, his wife sends a message:
Wife: I'm at the bakery, where are you?
Husband: I'm at work. Now, that you're at the bakery, buy the bloody bread!

 

[Cordy]

A group of men have been convicted of stealing roof joists in South Wales.

The press have labelled them -- 'The Tenby Eight'

 

[flying haggis]

words fail me

 

[RogerM]

For the Facebook generation on this forum, here is a list of 10 little known facts about diarrhoea. No 2 will surprise you!

 

[Fidget]

I was on a jungle safari and started to feel really peckish! So, I shot a small tribesmen and trapped and killed a python..

I then made myself a lovely snake and pygmy pie