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What's that old saying? When you come into the world, you are crying and everyone around you is smiling. Try to live your life so that when you die, you're smiling and everyone around you is crying. Immortality isn't really leaving behind a legacy such as a top selling book or a piece of music...

A bloke out walking early one morning decides to take a short cut across the golf course. Keeping to the rough, he comes across a lost ball and, seeing there's nobody playing that early, he puts the ball in a trouser pocket. A bit further on he comes across another and puts it in his other...

A bloke is stretchered into a hospital ED covered from head to foot in cuts and bruises and with a nine iron wrapped around his neck. The Doc asks him what happened. 'I'm not really sure, Doc,' says the bloke. 'I was out playing golf with the lady wife. I teed off and sliced the ball into a...

Two kids, one aged about eight and the other five, walk into a pharmacy. The older one asks for a packet of tampons. 'Now why on earth would you want a packet of them?' asks the pharmacist. 'Oh, they're not for me,' says the older boy. ' They're for him. He saw an ad on the telly that says if...

A bloke walks into a pub wearing nothing but a hospital gown. He orders a double scotch and gulps it down. Then he orders two more and swallows them. He says to the barman, 'You know, I shouldn't be drinking these with what I've got.' The barman says, 'What have you got?' The bloke says,' Fifty...

An old soak staggers in to a hardware store and asks for a bottle of meths. 'I'm not selling you meths,' says the assistant. 'You'll be straight over to the park drinking it with your mates!' 'No, no,' the old drunk protests. 'I've got myself a job as a painter and decorator and I need it to...

My wife came home drunk last night after an evening out with the girls. She knocked over the gatepost and crushed the flower beds before crashing into the front of the house. Thank God she wasn't driving a car!

Reminds me of the poem... 'There's a world famous family called Stein. There's Gert and there's Ep and there's Ein. Gert's poems are bunk, Ep's statues are junk and no-one can understand Ein.' Pete

I hope you made the banjo yourself.

Yes it was R.D. Quite unlike Aunty Beeb at the time which made it all the more believable.

1957 (BBC Panorama)

True to my word, I went out today and made the following observations of Southern Hemisphere dogs at the cost of a pair of ripped trousers and a rather painful tetanus booster. It would appear that wind direction is more of a factor than magnetic North/South or the Earth's rotation. Unlike...

I shall hasten out tomorrow, observe carefully and, if I'm not arrested as some sort of pervert, I'll report back.

Complaints to Local Councils. They live among us.

Like the funeral director who, instead of asking the bereaved if they wanted a cremation or burial would say, "Smoking or non-smoking?"

I had a complete 'Stuart' with that one I'm afraid.

I can't say I've ever been that desperate.

I have to confess that, when I read the title of the thread I thought it said "A Dead Persons Internal Monologue". The concept threw me for a moment. I really need stronger glasses.

What!? You let just any casual stray frog use your tools!!

As a nipper, every New Years Day my Dad told me if I looked out of the front window onto the street, I'd see the man who has a nose for every day of the year. I would faithfully kneel at the window watching for this phenomenon and once even thought I caught a glimpse of him as he boarded a bus...