Search results

When I BBQ a steak, the smell makes my mouth water. Do you think the same happens to Vegans when they mow the lawn?

My mother's pet dog died the other day, so I bought her an identical one. She just screamed and said, 'What the heck am I supposed to do with two dead dogs!?'

I hate Russian Dolls. They're so full of themselves.

I hope I get away with this one. Here goes... A German tourist in London approaches a lady of the night. He's carrying a small travel bag and asks if he can hire her services. 'That will be fifty pounds,' she says. He warns her that he's a little kinky and she says she can do kinky for an extra...

I'm a long-time collector of exotic birds. The feathered variety, you understand. Last week, I came across an ad for a an auction which included a rare Brazilian parrot and I thought, 'I must have that!' I went along and the bids started at $500. I upped it. Someone raised it to $600 and I...

A demon approaches Satan in Hell and tells him they have two new arrivals, a pair of upper class Englishmen. 'Stick them in the cage over the molten lava and I'll deal with them later,' Satan instructs. Later that day, he goes to see his new guests. They're sitting in the cage over the lava...

Why is it that, if you donate a kidney people think you're a saint but if you donate five kidneys they call the police?

I went for a drive today to visit my old family home. I knocked on the door and told the bloke who answered it that I was feeling nostalgic and asked if I could come inside and look around. He just slammed the door in my face. My father never did like me much.

My wife asked me if I had seen the dog bowl. I said I didn't even know he could play cricket.

I hope you're feeling better soon and that they at least have the courtesy to present you the removed body part, mounted for display purposes. At an original cost of 11 grand, it can only become more valuable over time. Perhaps even a collector's item.

I think you are drawing a long bow there. I doubt the mods find paedophilia acceptable simply that they find the joke, which used the OP as his own target, was not in itself objectionable. Jokes pointed at oneself are often used as a device for making an 'uncomfortable' subject acceptable.

Just out of interest, what ship did your Grandma serve on?

My pet mouse Elvis just died. He was caught in a trap...

It was eleven years ago today that my mate Dave came running from the room screaming, 'It's a boy! It's a boy!' We never went back to Thailand again.

My new girlfriend was driving me to visit my parents when her car had a flat. I rang my mother and told her we'd be a little late as my girlfriend had a puncture. 'Oh dear,' she said. 'I thought you had a real girlfriend this time.'

Many opportunities have been lost for people to experiment to see if they have skills or at least enjoy aspects of handicrafts. I know that, here in NZ the government scrapped the extra mural activities at local colleges (such as the one I participated in where I discovered a penchant for...

Just how I felt when I retired. (Finally able to take off that dress:rolleyes:)

Or, Customer: Í need some rat poison.' Assistant: 'Sorry, we don't stock that. Have you tried Boots?' Customer: 'I want to poison them, not kick them to death.'

A shy young girl gets a job at a pharmacy and on her first day, the boss says he has to go out for a couple of hours and will she be OK looking after the place alone. She admits that she's a bit nervous of anyone coming in and asking for condoms but the pharmacist tells her it's no problem...

A young bloke is stacking shelves in the supermarket when a woman comes up to him and asks, 'Where's the broccoli?' 'Sorry lady,' he says. 'We're out of broccoli but we'll have more in tomorrow.' He carries on stacking but a few minutes later she's back demanding, 'Where's the broccoli?' He...