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Paddy tells Mick that he's going to be circumcised the next day. "Oh," says Mick, "I had that done when I was a baby." "Did it hurt?" asks Mick. "Well I couldn't walk for a year."

A bloke stumbles home after a night out with the boys and collapses on the sofa. His angry wife demands to know where he's been and he just manages to tell her that, wherever it was, it had red flock wallpaper in the toilets and gold plated urinals before he passes out. His angry wife is...

A bloke walks into the bedroom and finds his wife looking in the mirror and seeming very sad. 'What's up, sweetheart?' he asks. 'I wish I was eight again,' she sighed. The next morning, while she was still in bed, he took her a bowl of Coco Pops and a glass of milk on a tray. Then he whisked her...

I took the wife dancing the other night. There was a bloke on the dance floor moon walking, gyrating, break dancing, the whole works. 'See that guy?' says the wife. 'Twenty five years ago he asked me to marry him and I turned him down.' I said 'Really? Looks like he's still celebrating.'

And a Naval one... From WW2 when a fleet of US ships rendezvoused with a fleet from the Royal Navy, the US Commander signalled "Greetings to the second biggest navy in the world.' The reply came back, 'Likewise, to the second best.'

Another Dorothy Parker... 'If all the women in New York were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised.'

A bloke asks to see his doctor about a problem with his 'manhood'. The doctor isn't available so the practice nurse offers to take a look. He's reluctant and tells her he's afraid she might laugh but she assures him she's been a nurse for 15 years and there's not much she hasn't already seen. He...

A Kiwi bloke is drinking with his mates when his mobile rings. It's the hospital to tell him that his wife's just given birth to a baby boy weighing 25 lbs. When he announces this to the bar and tells them the weight, his mates give him a rousing cheer and a woman nearby faints with sympathy...

Paddy and Una were an elderly pair who had both lost their partners. They began to see each other regularly and enjoyed each others company until finally, urged on by friends, they decided to consider marriage. They discussed living arrangements, sharing of finances etc. then Paddy asked Una how...

I overheard two women in the street talking about me. They said I was a bit of a 'looker'. Well, actually, the expression they used was 'peeping tom'...

My wife said, "You never talk to me when we're making love." I said, 'Well, I didn't want to wake you up."

Little known fact: Richard Gere's Dad, Gottler, was a famous Swedish ventriloquist.

A son calls his elderly father who's in hospital after a hip replacement and asks him how he is. 'I'm fine,' says the old man. 'They're really looking after me here.' 'Are you sleeping OK?' the son asks. 'Oh yes. I get a solid ten hours. Every night they bring me my hot cocoa and Viagra tablet...

More of a memory than a joke, brought about after taking our grandson for a stroll along the beach the other day. I must have been about 5 or 6 and growing up in the UK when we went as a big family group (cousins etc) for a day at the local seaside. A bunch of us kids were playing quite happily...

Last one I went to was the Isle of Wight in 1970 (yes, I'm an old fart). Great line up and a magic 5 days!

A bloke is about to enter a pub when he's accosted by a nun waving a banner that reads 'Drink is the Devil's Brew'. He tries to push past her but she grabs his arm and implores him not to go in as it will be the ruination of him. 'Go on,' he says. 'I've been drinking since I was a youngster and...