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A famous rock star once said that the next time he felt like getting married, instead he would just find a woman he couldn't stand and buy her a house - much cheaper!

Ronnie Barker - IMO one of the greatest comedians ever. Here's a one-liner from Ronnie Reagan - yes, that Ronnie Reagan. "A hippie is a person who looks like Tarzan, walks like Jane, and smells like Cheetah."

Did you hear on the news about the elephant that did a ton on the M1? Police are advising motorists to treat it as a roundabout.

My dad was an RAF radio fitter based at Akrotiri in the early 60's, where Lightnings were flown. I was there but much too small to remember the aircraft. I was far more interested in chasing the landlady's chickens and then swearing at her in Greek when she tried to tell me off. ( Who put me up...

The vicar of a liitle English country village passed away in his mid eighties, after spending the last forty years in that parish. He approached the pearly gates and knocked politely, being a mild-mannered gentleman. He was a little surprised when the gate was immediately opened by St Peter, who...

In my late teens I was in the early stages of developing a relationship with a girl, when she came out with the following: "Women have many faults, men have only two: everything they say, and everything they do." As expected, the relationship failed to take off - it crashed and burned.

In the Redacted Federation a young man finds himself being thrown into a squalid prison cell. The guards laugh and jokingly apologise that he will have to share with another. The young man notices a bedraggled old man sitting on the end of the bench in the corner. Their eyes momentarily meet and...

Wife: Why do you walk outside every time I start to sing? Husband: I want to show the neighbours I'm not hitting you.

Thank you all for the above - some good food for thought. This is my first attempt at any kind of joining metal parts together. Woodwork/metalwork have become my retirement hobby. The more I learn the more I realise how much I just don't ( yet ) know.

I am trying to weld aluminium for the first time. I clamped two small scrap parts of aluminium in a vice after a light sanding to remove oxidation. I used pieces of ceramic tile as jaw protectors and to try and keep in some heat. I then heated an inch long part of the joint with a Dremel 2020...

Thanks for that. Just looking at the photo is quite timely for me. I am getting some metal shelves for my shed and am already thinking about making tool racks for different sets of tools. I have added a couple of mods to the plastic tubes. Instead of a straight cut down the tube I make a cut in...

It's a thing for attaching to people you don't like, shortly before you take them on a one-way fishing trip.

Success is: at age 3, not messing your pants; at 5, having lots of friends; at 15, having ***; at 30, lots of money; at 70, having ***; at 80, having lots of friends; at 90, not messing your pants.

Billy burglar breaks into a very posh house one dark night. He carefully levers open the French windows, enters and slides them shut again. As he tiptoes across the plush carpet he is startled by a strange voice: "Jesus and me are watching you". He freezes momentarily, and then peers around in...

A young man gets sent to prison for the first time. All the guys in his prison wing are old lags and have been together for some time. The young man, feeling daunted, sits down to his first prison meal with the others. They eat in silence accompanied by the usual burps, slurps and farts, except...

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Why were the first 6 Star Wars films filmed in the order 4 5 6 1 2 3? Because Yoda production in charge of was.

About 20 years ago I attended a road accident involving a builders van carrying baulks of timber on a roof rack. These pieces of timber were 8 feet long and about 4 inches square. Unfortunately there was nothing securing them. Somehow, one piece shot backwards and speared itself through the...

Same thoughts here. I am not going to fund any future invasions!!!

Yes please. Do you have a paypal account I can pay into? If so, private message me. Thanks.