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A chicken walked into a library and went up to the counter. "Buk", it said to the librarian, who was rather astonished. After a moment to collect herself, the librarian thought she would help out. She reached for a book, stamped it and then handed it to the chicken. The chicken tucked the book...

Yes please! This would be much more use than 99.9% of the political pony we are fed. Light on the cinnamon please. Time for a new slogan: make cakes, not politics. ( Ok, so this is borrowed from somewhere, and needs a little refinement to be catchy enough ). Seriously: Somebody more famous...

"Every time you shout, that's an hour off your life". Told to me by my parents when I was about 4 or 5. "Thunder is the clouds banging together" - what I was told when I asked where thunder came from.

This one has been around for a while. "Even fools are thought wise if they keep silent, and discerning if they hold their tongues." Prov 17:28 (NIV) This dates back some 2,500 years. I like a more pithy version: "Save face - keep lower half shut".

Reminds me of my basic training in the RAF, which was a few years ago now. We were on an early morning drill parade and some of us had yet to learn the importance of being "the grey man". We were officer cadets, which placed us in the food chain somewhere below a snake's testicles. The flight...

How did you find me out? This was how I faked my death to escape from one woman, only to entangle myself again......

If a man speaks in a forest and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?

In the words of the great Master Yoda: Do, or do not. There is no "try".

Try saying this quickly: "The sixth sheik's sixth sheep's sick".

Two photographers went out into the African bush despite having been warned about a man-eating lion in the vicinity. A few hours later they were confronted by a lion with a hungry gleam in its eye. The first photographer took off his pack, pulled out a pair of running shoes and began to swap...

Not a joke, unfortunately. Somebody in my house who shall remain nameless, not me, [ there are only two of us!], knocked a brand new unopened gallon tin of varnish off a dining chair onto the carpet where it burst open! [ @$%&&!!!... ] What is the best way to deal with it? Any advice? It's...

Probably thoughts went something like: "I am so hungry I could eat anything. Hmmm? What about that?"

Something strange about the teeth on that shark! Reminds me of a greasy politician on polling day. @Henniep - one from my childhood. Roses are red, violets are blue. So goes the age old rhyme. But I know Rose's are blue and Violet's are red. I've seen them hanging on the line.

Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7, 8, 9! [ Ok, only hilarious if you're aged about 8...]

The Dunning-Kruger effect in action!

This joke reminded me of something. For those of you who have trouble spelling "diarrhoea" without computer assistance, the following may be of use: Dash In A Right Royal Hurry Or Else Accident

I remember just before one Christmas when I was little, my mum asked my dad what he would like as a present. He replied a crate of Guinness and a bunny girl. Took me years to understand why she hit him.

Strictly speaking these are not coins but commemorative medallions. ajs is spot-on about them having no purchasing power. They will have value as collectors items, but it is likely to be low. By the way, a lot of people have an incorrect view of the meaning of the term "legal tender". It...

An old lady was flying for the first time and was rather nervous. As she took her seat on the airliner she explained to the smiling hostess that she was worried about her ears popping. The hostess advised her that chewing gum would prevent that and handed her a pack. Throughout the flight the...

A young man with a lot more money than road sense bought himself a fast motorbike from a cheap 2nd hand dealer. He immediately took it for a fast spin in the country. The engine cut out all of a sudden while he was in the middle of nowhere. Pushing the bike into a layby, he took off his helmet...