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That tesco BBQ for a quid looks great value. It has handy wheels for moving about, and is double sided so you only have to clean it half as often. I bet it even has the name of the people you got it from on the handle, so if you ever need another it reminds you where it came from. Neat.

From my working days as a plod, three real examples of nicknames for lazy coppers: "Flash" - because he ( /sarcasm on ) "moved so fast", ( /sarcasm off ) "One-Job" - because that was all he was good for in a day, and my favourite - "samurai" - because he took no prisoners. ( left it to...

Soylent green !!!!

While standing at a urinal in a public loo the other day I noticed a rather strange piece of graffiti written on the wall directly in front of me. "FOLLOW THIS LINE", it said. Sure enough, a hand-drawn line led directly up from the text to the ceiling. Intrigued, I turned my head to see where...

A condom manufacturer decided that they needed an advertising gimmick, so they decided to do away with the traditional packets of three. For various religious groups they sold them in sixes, marked "Monday", "Tuesday", "Wednesday" etc, missing out the particular day according to the holy day of...

Defining "expert" :- x is the unknown quantity, a "spurt" is a drip under pressure, so an x-spurt/expert is just an unknown drip under pressure.

LOL I regularly don't say things in Greek, Tibetan, Serbo-Croat... in fact a host of languages. I'm good at Anglo-Saxon, especially when I hit my thumb with a hammer, or something equally stupid.

Wow. Does this mean Aristotle could speak English [ before time ] as well as being a philosophical/intellectual genius?

Or goat! About the only things they don't eat are rocks and metal.

Indeed. Part of the skill of DIY is to look at a job and recognise that it is above your level of competence. They have asked me to look at another much larger job and I have regretfully had to say no. Not only is it beyond my current ability, it is beyond what I could reasonably learn in the...

The job is all done, thanks. I fitted a complete new ballcock. Total cost to the charity was £11.22 for parts, instead of the £300 that the charity group leader had said they had been advised would be the going rate for a professional. re Bingy man's comment, he is right. My plumbing...

Two old ladies were sitting on a beach one fine afternoon, when a streaker ran past. One had a stroke. The other couldn't reach.

Thanks all for your help. I removed the ballcock from the cistern without too much trouble. But the end cap would not come loose even when I applied copious amounts of release agent, heat ( not at same time as release agent of course !! ) and bad language. Perhaps I should have applied release...

It is not just how many officers there are, it is how they are used. Police staff carry out tasks which do not require fully trained officers. In military terms, they would be described as a "force multiplier". They specialise in certain types of work, releasing officers to spend more time...

A second thought: Is it possible to get a small converter pipe to attach to the old imperial inlet pipe? If so, I could bin the old ballcock valve and fit a modern metric one.

I have been asked to look at a leaking ballcock valve in a toilet in a community building. The cost of calling in a plumber is prohibitive for the charity involved, but the cost of messing it up and then calling a plumber is punitive! So I am asking for specific advice from forum members on the...

People driving using their mobiles annoys me so much when I am driving, that I throw my beer at them! Seriously though. Largely thanks to Theresa May, who is to British policing what Beeching is/was to British railways, the poor old plod is too thin on the ground and burdened with lots of...

Traffic cop stops a young woman who was speeding. He starts to write out a ticket. "But officer!", the young woman says. "I thought if a pretty young woman fluttered her eyelashes at an officer he would just let her off with a warning". "That's right madam", the officer replied. "But in your...

I remember those days.... when the village bobby used to get around on a bicycle, and the village doctor would call at your house the day you were ill, instead of just phoning half a week later.

Why can't a steam engine sit down? Because it has a tender behind.