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From the best man at my son's wedding... "Before I begin the speech proper, I would like to make a public service announcement. To the person who lost a wallet containing £60, I found the wallet". From when I had to give the best man speech, I recommended the ABC-XYZ of giving speeches...

A balanced diet... is a pint in each hand.

Superman and Chuck Norris had a fight. The loser had to wear his pants outside his trousers.

A young woman driving a flashy sports car was stopped by police doing 60mph in a 30 zone. The officer, jaded after many years of having seen it all, reached for his book and began to write out a ticket. "But officer", the young woman said. "I thought that if a pretty young woman fluttered her...

I am concerned that from the given dates, Roger's lifespan was significantly shorter than expected. Is there a significance to the fact that he died on Christmas day?

Exactly. Another way of expressing this was a comment I read somewhere else. To paraphrase it ( because I cannot exactly recall the original): "All red-haired left-handed men born in [state your chosen location] are going to die!" [ cue dramatic shocking music jingle]. This of course is a...

One of my first cars was a Skoda Estelle. It was a heap of **** and had negative street credibility. BUT, it was given to me for free ( just before it was sent to the scrap heap ), and was reasonably cheap to run. For an engine, 4 wheels and some seats, that was legal and moved, it could not be...

Lol. That skip picture reminds me of when I was a student. There was a pizza place that allowed one free trip to the salad bar with your bowl. With sticks of celery as radial supports and lettuce leaves to fill in the gaps, I could easily quadruple what I could carry away from the bar in one go...

Ah..... the hi-vis vest. When you put on one, it gives you a force shield protecting your pink squishy body. There is a similar effect for motorists. If you park where you shouldn't, even for "just a couple of minutes", put on your hazard lights. This makes your car invisible to traffic...

Thank you all for your comments and thoughts. Some useful stuff. This has got to be a classic example of what not to do. Two things come to my mind: the ladder and the stabilisers. From the safety videos I have watched, setting up a ladder on top of a tower is a huge NO. Here, the force...

Some great advice there. Thanks all.

Trump is on the news as producing fake pictures targetting the Afro-American community. What you may not know is that he is also working on the native American community as well. Mr Trump and his cronies organised a large public meeting in a hall with a stage. All the local native American...

I am looking for some advice on buying/using an aluminium tower for some home repairs. The front gable wall of my house is the weather wall, the one exposed to all the storms. It needs repointing and I have been quoted £130 per square metre + scaffolding costs. Ouch! Four years ago I...

Oooooh matron! [Flares nostrils]

Thank you for the compliment. I have to warn you that I have a weapons-grade sense of humour. My bad habits include eating mushy peas, and I get violent if I don't have a regular intake of strong tea.

So it's been YOU all these years! I always knew they were watching me, but nobody would believe me. I even tried the silver foil in my hat to shield my brainwaves, but it didn't work. While you are there, can you tell me what I did with my motorcycle key back in '79?

When I was eighteen I worried about what people thought of me. When I was thirty-eight I didn't care what people thought about me! When I was sixty-eight, I realised people weren't thinking about me at all...

Oh the Grand Old Duke of York. He had ten million quid. He gave it to a woman he never met, for something he never did.

Filthy lucre?

My dad, a Geordie, always used to call it the "netty". If there was a river at the bottom of the garden, the netty was sometimes built to use the natural flushing effect. While on that subject, here is the tale of Geordie Washington, as told to me by my dad when money was worth something...