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Two young soldiers spent almost their entire war guarding the gates of the local dockyard. Every day for months it was the same boring routine. Then one day towards the end of the afternoon shift a man approached their checkpoint pushing a wheelbarrow full of straw. As this was so unusual the...

An ex from a long time ago told me the following: "Women have many faults, men have only two: everything they say and everything they do." Not a relationship destined to last, I think.....

"Exercise is bunk. If you're healthy you don't need it. If you're ill you shouldn't do it." -- Henry Ford ( allegedly )

Indeed. I have a portable one like you find in butchers shops. The flies love it! Just imagine their conversation: Hey, no! Don't look at the light! I-can't-help-it. It's-so-beautiful. < crack > (silence)

An elderly vicar died and went to heaven. At the pearly gates, St Peter asked him to stand aside as a VIP was expected any time. Being a mild-mannered gentleman, he stood to one side and waited patiently. After some hours the vicar was getting a bit restless. The gates then gently swung open...

There used to be an advert on local radio that went like this: <sound of hair clippers buzzing, then stopped > Barber: There you go sir, just like David Beckham. Customer: Aaaargggh! That's not like David Beckham! Barber: It would be if he came in here.

What is Korean for "people who live in greenhouses shouldn't throw stones"?

Diner: (shocked) Hey, waiter. Your thumb is in my soup. Waiter: (humbly) Yes sir. Sorry sir. I've got arthritis in that thumb and my doctor says I need to keep it warm at all times. Diner: (angrily) Well you know what you can do with that thumb! Waiter: Yes sir. I do...

yes please

Don't tell them your name Droogs!

Agreed. Taking serious subjects and laughing about them cuts them down to size, reduces fear and such like, and makes those topics easier to deal with. It can also act as a mental form of self-defence. Try working a few years in one of the emergency services, or serving in the military. After...

Hi Dan. The label on your Record 075 dates it from any time between 1932 to about 1955. Can't help you with the woodwork question. I would describe myself as a prospective woodworker in waiting, after I have built the shed, paved the yard, repointed the kitchen wall, decorated the...

Two drunks after a late night lock-in at a pub, realise they have missed the last bus home. "No problem", said the first, "the bus depot is just down the road. Let's steal one and drive it home". "Won't we get into trouble?" asked the second. "Look, if you're scared, you stay at the gate and...

My other half had a text this morning claiming to be from one of the big-name mobile companies. It said that the bill could not be processed by the bank this month (what????) and instructed her to click on a link. The big clue was that we don't use that company. The link was NOT clicked on...

I first had to learn that lesson when I was eight, and being a bit thick had to relearn it a few times afterwards. I was trimming side shoots from a stick using a penknife. We were allowed things like that then. Unfortunately I was holding the stick in my left hand at the bottom. With my right...

On 5/5/1862 a Mexican army defeated a French one at the Battle of Puebla (Mexico). Since then the date has become a Mexican festival.

I read somewhere that when Michael Caine became 60, some stupid reporter asked him how it felt to be 60. His reply was that considering the alternative, it wasn't too bad.

Wife: ( angrily) Why do you keep walking into the garden every time I start to sing? Husband: I want to show the neighbours that I am not hitting you.

That looks just right for me to display my granny's finest bone china.