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A nurse rushes into the doctor's treatment room, close to panic. Nurse: "Doctor, doctor! That man you just treated has collapsed and died in the doorway on his way out". Doctor: "Quick. Turn him round so it looks like he's just arriving".

In the US there are many law enforcement agencies. One year the president decided to have trials to find the best of the best. After some months it came down to a shortlist of three: the CIA, the FBI and the LAPD. For the final test a rabbit was released into a forest. The mission was to...

A few years ago NASA sent a probe into deep space in an attempt to communicate with whatever life form was out there. Along with diagrams of mathematical formulae to show our intellectual capability, they included recordings of peace and good will in various languages. All the major languages...

A balanced diet is a pint in each hand.

Two old ladies were sitting in their deck chairs on a beach one sunny afternoon, when a streaker ran past. One had a stroke........ ...... the other couldn't reach.

Why does "Divorcee Barbie" cost so much more than all the other themed Barbie dolls? Because it comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's....

What is the last thing that goes through a fly's mind when it hits the windscreen of your car? Its bum.

Years ago I saw a cartoon of two men standing looking at some roadworks, where another man was sitting in a digger digging a trench. The first man complained to the second: "You know, if it wasn't for that man in the digger, twelve men with shovels could have paid jobs doing that". "Aye", said...

Little Jimmy, age 3, went up to his mum who was heavily pregnant. He pointed to the bump and said "what's that?" "It's a baby", mum replied. "Where did you get it?" "Dad gave it to me". Jimmy was quite happy with that and went off to play with his toys. About an hour later he went up to his...

For those of you looking for a way to remember how to spell it: "Dash in a right royal hurry or else accident".

Reputedly, a conversation took place between Jean Harlow and Margot Fonteyn where Jean repeatedly called her " my dear Margott " . After a while, Margot calmly replied "my dear Jean, the 't' in 'Margot' is silent, as in 'Harlow' ".

Save face. Keep lower half shut.

When there were tenagers in my house I used to constantly get home around 4am after a hard shift wanting food, only to find that the fridge, ( and the bread bin, cracker box, biscuit barrel...), had been hoovered out. Often all that was left were the raw vegetables and a mostly eaten pack of...

You do know that when your cat brings you a half dead bird, it's not a present it's a warning, don't you?

"all"? implies there are many out there. You would be shocked by how few are actually out and about. The livery is not about psychology it is about maximising visibility, especially when the vehicle is stationary on a road at an incident. To put it in perspective - More than 30 years ago my...

And there was me thinking it was a method of hiding the signs of getting older...... eat and eat and eat until the wrinkles all fill out.

You need a round tuit. Everybody, myself included, says " I will do [ insert project here] when I get a round tuit".

What is on the other end? If it appears there is nothing, is there the remains of a temporary campsite there?

Thanks all - some good advice. SDS drill +bits en route.

For years, whenever I have needed to put a wooden beam across the top of the inside of a window, I have been faced with drilling into a concrete lintel. I have always used a hammer drill on a slow setting, with appropriate masonry bit, drilling in short bursts. After much foul language and some...