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Oi ! She could do worse! My ex always said I looked like George Clooney! (Or was it Rosemary? I forget now...) The trouble was, it was from the back.... :sneaky:

Must've had a senior moment last night - went to bed, and unfortunately left the freezer door open.... All defrosted this morning. Never mind, it's all water under the fridge now.

I need to re-home a dog as soon as possible. It's a small brown and white terrier - a little aggressive sometimes - and tends to bark a lot, day and all night. If you're interested, please let me know, and I'll jump over next door's fence and get it for you......

"Ambulance Service.... is the patient breathing?" "It's Molly Malone from Dublin here...It's my husband! I've accidently shot and killed him!" "Calm down, Molly - and please don't worry. I'm here to help you. Listen to me very carefully, and do exactly as I say, OK?" "OK" "OK, Molly... first of...

I suddenly heard a racket outside the house, and it turned out it was the window cleaner banging on my window, shouting and swearing.... I thought to myself, he's lost his rag....... (Stuart - I'll explain it later if you want....:rolleyes: )

The inventor of throat lozenges has died today. They'll be no coffin at his funeral.

I went to the zoo yesterday and spotted a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper told me it was bred in captivity.

I might be getting old, but I do object to my children saying that I'm losing my marbles. Just you wait 'til Christmas Day, when you all find your eggs under the bonfire...

Sorry, only just noticed your comment. I was in the car at the time, which obviously rules out it being on TV (!) so the answer has got to be Radio 4. Got to think here.... I'm fairly certain, thinking of the times I was out and about, that it must've been a mention on a news...

Funnily enough, it's just been on the radio that BT are reconsidering due to the very reasons you've pointed out...

Funnily enough, it's just been on the radio that BT are reconsidering due to the very reasons you've pointed out...

I've surprised many people in the past by telling them that I've had five wives... Two of 'em were mine.

Bumped into a gardener pal of mine this morning. "Spring's here at last", I said, "what you up to, garden-wise?" "I'm chitting my spuds," he replied. To be fair, I did think he looked a bit strained....

Just spent £200 hiring a limousine and discovered the fee doesn't include a driver. I can't believe I've spent all that money and I've nothing to chauffeur it...

They've found a badly mauled bloke this morning - apparently he'd stumbled on a teddy bears picnic. He's showing signs of improvement, but he's not out of the woods yet.

Did you know that Fred the blacksmith's died? I've just re-homed his dog. Only been an hour and he's already made a bolt for the door...

Just back from a mate's funeral, killed after a tennis ball hit him. Nice service though...

...or changing your name by deed poll?

"Grammar" ;)

The guy who invented predictive text passed away yesterday. His funfair will be next monkey..