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I bought a deep fat frier off Ebay last week. The description stated, 'Brand new deep fat frier, unwanted gift, never used' I had to send it back. It had a chip in it.

I tried shoplifting for the first time the other day but I'm rubbish at it. I lifted a pack of spaghetti but the female security guard spotted me. She blocked my escape route and made me put the spaghetti back. I just couldn't get pasta.

You should've seen it before I tidied it! :D No...come better weather, it'll be a case of a few tarpaulins, drag everything out, chuck out broken/unwanted/what's-this-a bit-of type things, and start again. Honest..... :whistle:

I met my wife at one of those speed-dating events. It was a big surprise to me. I thought she was at home watching TV.

My friend and I have just bought a butchers. Yes, we've both got a stake in it....

Bit like the old 'un about arranging to meet a lass outside the local pawnbrokers. Really surprised when she turned up and kissed me beneath the balls....

Indeed. After all, there is a fairly good and logical reason for having lights at each corner!

"KISS THOSE PAINFUL PILES AWAY" (Genuine ad, by the way! Those Yanks, eh?!)

I too was more than a little confused by this. I suspected it was more than one case of 'predicted text' going on, so determined to explore the likely alternatives to the words shown. Spending a few minutes on the subject, I managed to confirm my suspicions and can now give you my answer...

There's a problem here.... If adopted as you predict, it will instantly become a victim of "yoof speak", and get amended to "likeStuart" or perhaps "Stuartlike". Bear in mind that the letter T has now disappeared from the alphabet, the original would now become "stooah", possibly leading to...

Another variation... He gets your watch. "It's a fake" Starts process to secure a refund.

But how do you sharpen those shears?? 😉 Outside.

Some cannibals capture Lee Mack, Rowan Atkinson and Stephen Fry. They chuck 'em in an enormous cauldron, throwing in carrots, sweetcorn and other vegetables, before seasoning with massive amounts of salt and pepper. After a few hours, the chief and his wife wander up, and courtesy of a giant...

Er...no. Even inches in my case! I did say I couldn't get in at present. I wasn't kidding!

Nice one, nosuchhounds! Zeroed in on your post because I too am blessed with an 8x6 pent roof job! Same orientation, too, so interested in your photo's of the layout. I've been waiting for some dry weather in order to empty mine and "start again". That in itself is a task! I currently can't get...

Ey up, Stuart! Where've you been, pally? Haven't spotted anything from you lately....ill or holiday? We've missed you! (Every bullet so far.....) ;)

Smiled the other day when I heard that prison warders were going to be on alert, listening out for the whereabouts of "anally hidden" phones! :LOL:

I used to have an allotment, but then I lost the plot....

...and don't even mention bikes! :giggle:

It's my fault this thread was started, originally about how many vehicles have defected lights and how they seem to get away with it. Well, here's something else that really gets my goat, and in truth, it was this junction that caused me to start noticing about faulty indicators and the like...