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Igor is waiting in line for several hours at his local Moscow bank to try to withdraw his money. He loses patience, and, furiously, ends up screaming “This was a stupid war. I’m going to go and kill Putin because he’s done all of this” He goes to the Kremlin, fuming. A few minutes later, he...

Three elderly ladies swim in the indoor pool. After two hours, the first one gets out and the lifeguard praises her: "Great!" She says: "Yes, I'm 70 years old and I was Irish champion in long-distance swimming" - After three hours the second comes out and proudly says to the lifeguard: "I'm 80...

A man buys a guard dog to protect his home. Unfortunately, he has to get rid of it because it keeps letting everyone in. Turns out it was a UK Border collie.

@ MorrisWoodman12 Yes, it's a multi-purpose creation. Prototype - for young grand-children - was an A4 size 2 mm Perspex (cut in two) effort to demonstrate root & shoot growth of a Broad Bean seed; it received a luke warm reception

Bought some cheap 9 x 1 inch Pine and 3 mm Perspex to make a few garden Trugs. Wife took one round to neighbour. she said "Oh, great; I just need a magazine rack" Likewise, one for son's father-in-law The pint cup is to give an idea of size

I got up this morning, got dressed and fed the dogs. After that, I took them for a walk and while I was out I met my neighbour. He was somewhat embarrassed to admit that he had heard all the grunting coming from our bedroom earlier but said it was great that a couple of our age were still...

Russian Army engineers to President Putin "We have good news and bad news" Putin "The good news?" Engineer "We can mend your bridge" Putin "...and the bad?" Engineer "We need your Table"

From the Aldi advert Powerful induction motor Quiet and low-vibration work Pivoting support table Precise grinding results Sanding plate with velcro fastener Brushless 500W motor Belt no-load speed: 7.6 m/s Motor no-load speed: 2950 min

Liz Truss has spoken today to Ukraine's president about the ongoing crisis Zelensky promised to provide all the assistance he could

Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Vivaldi. VanDamme: I’ll be Mozart. Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.

@ stuart little .... Lyndon *****, a footballer for Scotland who had just scored a couple of goals against Ukrain

Breaking Putin attempts to sign up Lyndon *****

johnbaz, bit of bad luck there What glue will you use ? Clarinet for me, just dug it out after 20 odd years in the cupboard Forgotten everything about music; I have until mid October to learn Happy Birthday when youngest g/daughter will be 2

swisstony Great idea, looks good What did you treat the timber with ? John

@Crrumpet; Looks fantastic !! Just dug out my clarinet, not played it for 25 years I'm trying to learn 'Happy Birthday' in time for our youngest grand-daughter's birthday; Lucy will be 2 in October

Likewise - Ever Build 502; got mine from eBay Can you post photos to show us the parts ?

OLD TRAFFORD DONKEY SANCTUARY (Est. 1893.) From as little as £750 a year, you too can sponsor a helpless donkey. Like HARRY bought from Leicester for £80m, where his cruel Thai owners were forcing him to perform as a 'footballer' for as much as 90 minutes in the blazing sun, in front of a...

A salmon called Rusty was swimming around the Titanic ship wreck when he thought he would write some poetry about its sinking and see if he could get it published. It's now on sale in WH Smith's and all good book stores. It's called "Salmon Rusty's Titanic verses".

..A plane spotter in London Heathrow says: "The plane that just landed has Meghan Markle and Harry onboard. Second plane spotter: "How can you tell?" Plane spotter: "Well, they've shut down the engines but it's still whining!" -------------- I can't believe it's Monkeypox season already. I...

I'm sweating here like Diane Abbott trying to complete a two-piece jigsaw puzzle,