# The UK Workshop Panto Presents ........



## Lord Nibbo (20 Dec 2006)

*UK Workshop Presents goings on in the wood shed*

Screenplay written By Lord Nibbo 

Adapted for the internet, originally idea from the book “The Gardener” by Tom Mato adapted from the book “The bugs in my wood pile” by Ivan Elavanitch, also adapted originally from the book “Camomile lawn” by Moses Lawn. 

I must thank the following which helped greatly to this old english farce, 

Primitive Transport by Orson Cart

The Debtor by Owen Munny


Any likeness to characters named here are coincidental any law suits should be addressed to Fleece Grabbit & Run Solicitors Ltd.

*Scene 1
*
*Somewhere in Darkest England, Last Tuesday Night at 7.36pm* 


It’s raining outside the shed as Charlie helped by Alice pull on the ropes to open the curtains. The lights all dim and a hush of excitement creeps across the shed, no one has seen excitement like this, not even two years ago at Axminster when the last show was put on ice were there so many people all open mouthed utterly speechless. 

From a dark corner a shadow appears, it’s Philly Phantom the tool wizard, a spot light hits him as he lifts a large golden coloured crown and places it on the head of King Wenslascrit as Tony entering the stage gives him his almanac of worldly piccies of machines of many moons long since gone. King Wenlsascrit stands and walks across the stage to look out of the window and say out aloud “Tomorrow we shall all venture forth and seek the where abouts of the Devon woody man who was last seen upside down hanging in a eucalyptus tree”

Alice runs on stage dragging her camping bag crammed full of musthaves, “Whats in those bags?” shouts Roger the Sindenbad from the back of the shed. Another voice shouts they are my Noel presents. King Wenslascrit grabs the bag and turning to the audience shouts “Anyone who can tell me whats in this here bag can have a day off tomorrow” Mighty Mike Wasawing stands forward and looking at King Wenslascrit declares “Three dovetail saws, Two Turtle Doves and a Partridge in a pear tree” King Wenslascrit opens the bag and looking inside shouts “Nope you missed out five Gills a dancing and the two Midnight wanderers Waka & Wiser who are more than often seen frequenting the bar in Axminster and who sometimes get lost in the lovely Devon Woodies where they plant Beans and sometimes have been seen trying out those Magic Mushrooms secretly hidden in the clefts of trees by Steve the Masked Marauder of Maskery who hides them using his magic gadget stick.

As the lights start to brighten King Wenslascrit lead his happy band across the stage who all sing together with the audience “Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it’s off to work we go etc etc etc ……….

*Scene two*

*The treck to the Rutlands in Search of the Devon Woody Man
* ritten by ?


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## Paul Chapman (20 Dec 2006)

"Brilliant"

"Oh no it wasn't"

"Oh yes it was".....

:lol: :lol: :lol:


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## paulm (20 Dec 2006)

:lol: :lol: :lol: =D>


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## Philly (20 Dec 2006)

"He's behind you!!!" :lol: 
Philly


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## garywayne (20 Dec 2006)

Cleaver and funny. Nice one me Lord.  =D> ccasion5:


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## Alf (20 Dec 2006)

I think we may have a Bishop of Southwark situation here... Nurse! The screens! :lol:


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## Alf (20 Dec 2006)

Well I hope "written by?" was an open invitation, 'cos I had time to think during a haircut...

*Scene two*

*The treck to the Rutlands in Search of the Devon Woody Man*

"Hi ho..."
"..hi ho.."
"It's off to rout we go"
"Rout?"
"Could be worse, could have said dado..." muttered Wizer
"Yeah, rout. Wanna make something of it?" 
"Well _I_ don't, but what about... you know... IT?"
"IT?"

King Wenslascrit's Happy Band (Philly Phantom the tool wizard on guitar, Hi Ho Sliver on drums etc) paused and looked round anxiously . The Rutlands, deeply grooved and littered with back orders, was not a place for the unwary to linger. It suddenly looked rather dark and, frankly scary...

"I'm not afraid" Mighty Mike Wasawing stoutly, if ill-advisedly, declared. I have my Saw of Truth, Justice and The Oregon Way that glows in the presence of," he paused and looked round cautiously before finishing at a whisper "IT"
"I am" cowered the (apparently) camp Alice. 
Tony nudged her in the ribs and hissed "Not camp - camp*ing*" 
"Oh, I _see_. That's a relief 'cos walking like this was giving me backache... Not to mention carrying Three Dovetail Saws, Two Turtle Doves, a Partridge in a pear tree, Five Gills a dancing and the Two Midnight wanderers Waka & Wizer. In fact you lot can jolly well get out and carry yourselves. Honestly..."
"The Partridge has done a Bad Thing on my ballgown" shrieked one of the Gills.
"That's nothing," said Waka morosely, "Retired at last and the Turtle Doves have eaten my pension book"
"Anyone got a shovel so we can put this pear tree somewhere?" asked another Gill, "Although I'm not sure this skirt is quite the right outfit for digging."
"I'll carry the Three Dovetail Saws" offered Philly Phantom.
"You'll have to break my arms first" returned the not-camp Alice.
"Well if that's what it takes..."
"Will you lot shut up?" asked Roger the Sindenbad tetchily, shifting his grip on His Amazing Sack of Off Topic Threads. "I thought I heard something"

King Wenslascrit removed the ear defenders he'd been wearing, as per HSE instructions when listening to The Happy Band, and craned to listen. In the distance they heard a low murmuring noise. It started to get louder. The ground started to shake, as if to the fall of a foot. The murmur became a mutter. A low constant, never-ending noise. Louder and louder.

The Happy Band stopped playing.

*"Router? Router?! Fee fi foe fum, I hear a mention of a router this way come."*
"Could have been worse, could have mentioned a honing guide," remarked Wizer.
"Well it might be Wizer by _name_..." muttered Waka.
*"HONING GUIDE?!"* thundered the approaching thing.
"Is this it?" asked one of the Gills.
"No," said Mighty Mike Wasawing, pointing. "_That's_ IT. And I'm right out of pizza to distract it. Run!"

And round the corner came thundering a fearsome beast. Half man, half spindle moulder, draped in sash windows and traditional joinery - _grimus grimus_, colloquially known as

"Mr Grimsdale!" they all shouted. And they ran for it.

*Scene three*

*Where King Wenslascrit's and His Happy Band (available for weddings, discos and Barmitzvahs, reasonable rates) could be Saved From A Tribe of Spamalots by a Mysterious Neil and meet a Roundy Spinny Person who shows them where to find a Woody Man*

Any offers?


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## RogerS (20 Dec 2006)

=D> =D> 

Excellent..well done, Your Lordship and Alf


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## woodbloke (20 Dec 2006)

Philly":zozfzrbn said:


> "He's behind you!!!" :lol:
> Philly



Oh no he's not!....excellent stuff. To be continued over the Festive Season? - Rob


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## RogerS (20 Dec 2006)

*Scene three *

With a leap and a bound and a flurry of pico-inch wood shavings, they turned tail and ran for their lives.

"Quick..we can all hide in here" said Byron Blackheart. "My new workshop is strong enough to withstand the Mighty Grimsdale".

"That's a good idea" said Tim. "Then we can block up the windows with these spare undersized panels I've got".

They all squeezed into the workshop and started to block up the windows. They could hear the Mighty Grimsdale huffing and puffing as he roared towards them along the T-track.

"How on earth are we going to fix these panels" said JayEffSee, tilting his nautical hat back so that he could peer out from under the brim. "I'm used to making mallets but we need something a bit stronger".

"Ha ha" cried Niki "I've got an idea. Give me all your metal. I've got a large reel of sticky-tape and I reckon I can bind it all together to make a hammer."

So our gallant band divested themselves of all their metal. Philly Phantom pleaded "Can't I keep my mighty Excalibur? I can use it to protect us".

"No..no" they cried. "We will need all the metal. Even King Wenslayscrit's crown made from recycled Wadkins is needed".

The pile of holy metal gradually grew until a huge pile of cast-iron and bronze gleamed dully in the middle of Byron's workshop.


...to be continued


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## Gary H (20 Dec 2006)

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: 

Fantastic! Superb! Bravo! Encore!=D> =D> =D> =D> 

Blimey, nothing for years and then *Pratchett's *all over the place this Yuletide!!!!! :wink: 

Well done folks!

Gary


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## SketchUp Guru (20 Dec 2006)

Best read I've had in a long time. A nail biter for sure. I'm chewing on a couple of 8d common nails as I type!

Keep it up.


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## Lord Nibbo (20 Dec 2006)

Great read Alf and Roger, you got straight into the festive idea :lol: I wonder were we're going to end up :roll: :lol: Come on someone we need Scene Four or should that be 3.1 version Microsoft upgrade 7.3 edition 9 :lol:


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## MikeW (20 Dec 2006)

Now this is a great thread! Thanks for making my morning...much better than wars on sharpening, flattening, cambering, jigging and ???

Take care, Mike
who marvels at the creativity!


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## woodbloke (20 Dec 2006)

Roger Sinden wrote:


> The pile of holy metal gradually grew until a huge pile of cast-iron and bronze gleamed dully in the middle of Byron's workshop



...the treasure of Smaug...be there dragon asleep on the top? :-k 8-[ 8-[ - awaiting the next installment - Rob


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## Colin C (20 Dec 2006)

I have to agree with all, its great =D> =D> 

More more


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## gwaithcoed (20 Dec 2006)

Excellent, well done =D> =D> =D> What's the rate for a walk on part?
   

Alan.


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## Gill (20 Dec 2006)

> Five Gills a dancing


It just goes to prove that at Christmas you can't have too much of a good thing




.


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## RogerS (20 Dec 2006)

Gill":wmyird00 said:


> > Five Gills a dancing
> 
> 
> It just goes to prove that at Christmas you can't have too much of a good thing
> ...



That is FABULOUS, Gill :lol: :lol: :lol:


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## Anonymous (21 Dec 2006)

Eagerly awaiting the next installment :lol:


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## Jorden (21 Dec 2006)

Don't stop there - what happens next? :lol: :lol: 

Dennis


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## dedee (21 Dec 2006)

Yes the suspense in killing me!

Andy


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## Lord Nibbo (21 Dec 2006)

Jorden":17c5ak7s said:


> Don't stop there - what happens next? :lol: :lol:
> 
> Dennis


 That's down to you, go on have a go :lol: :lol: :lol:


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## Alf (21 Dec 2006)

Okay, in a bid to get them on the road again which is much easier to write and out of the blind alley (always a tricky spot to put your characters in):

*Scene Three (b)*

*Where Our Heroes get out of this tricky situation and continue on their journey*

The pile of holy metal gradually grew until a huge pile of cast-iron and bronze gleamed dully in the middle of Byron's workshop...

"D'you know what kind of prices the raw materials for all that are fetching these days, with the rapid economic expansion in China and the Indian sub-continent?" asked a passing Canadian tool-pusher.
"No, but I know too well what those planes cost me" grumbled Waka. "Cut open my heart and you'll see 'It was all Philly's fault' engraved on it..."
"Hang on a cotton-pickin' minute" said JayEffSee, gazing at the diminishing pile of metal as Niki worked like a madman to fashion a large enough hammer. "Something's missing. Did I mention the Legacy?"

There was a collective groan, but JayEffSee waved them into silence and excitedly explained his plan. Given the speed and ease with which he could make a few spiral posts, what if some brave soul went out there and hypnotised the Mighty Grimsdale with their spiralling, or at the very least distracted him with suggestions for uses for them in building staircases and so forth.

"It's a million to one chance, but it might just work" opinioned Gary. "But who's volunteering?"
"I will! They don't call me Alan The Volunteer in The Valleys because I'm the postman. No, that's Alan The Postman. I'm the Volunteer. Hand me the spirals and you sneak out while I distract IT."

Suiting the action to the word, he strode out to face The Mighty Grimsdale, spiral posts whirling in a mind boggling display of pirouettes and turns, intoning the well-known mantra "And remember this: there is no more important safety rule than to wear these -tap, tap - safety glasses. The effect was slightly spoiled by only narrowly missing taking out his left ear with a spiral at the "tap, tap" bit, but it was impressive nevertheless.

"Quick!" urged King Wenslascrit, "But whatever you do don't look at the spirals or you'll be hypnotised too. And Philly, stop trying to pick up your Excalibur from the pile - leave it and run!"

So they did.

*Scene Four*

*Where Our Heroes our attacked but saved by The Knight They Call Neil*

"Can't...run...any...fur...ther" panted Martin, King of the Car Boot, who'd turned up to add a new character to events.

The Happy Band came to a puffing, blowing and wheezing halt. 

"Must be the effects of inadequate dust extraction on your lungs" said Barry, "Maybe we could stop and build a cyclone?"

But before he could even look on Ebay for a filter, they suddenly found themselves surrounded by a cloud of irritating buzzing, little flapping things. 

"Ow"
"Buzz off"
"Gerroff you..."
"That was me!"
"Sorry, I was aiming for the - oi! Bind by doze"

In the general flapping and slapping at the things at least half the shots missed their mark and they were hitting each other more often than not.

Philly Phantom the tool wizard was smugly grinning behind his Trend Airshield but decided he'd better see what these things were. Carefully catching one in his hand he gingerly opened his palm to reveal...

... what appeared to be a small squarish can. Well square, but with very rounded corners. Dark blue, some yellow markings on the side and a pair of little wings flapping frantically.

"Oh no. SPAM. Watch out everyone; we'll be knee-deep in Russian Brides any minute."

The Five Dancing Gills and Alice (a Motown group in the making if I'm any judge) sat on the sidelines, completely unmolested by the Spam.

"You know it's almost unfair" said one Gill. "I mean are we ever going to get Russian Grooms? Will my email ever contain something other than offers to enlarge what I don't have? Where are the offers of sites full of chesty six-packs?"

Just then, when more than one member of The Happy Band was wishing they'd brought all their safety gear with them (and actually worn it), they hard a sound of hoofbeats in the distance.

"What's that?"
"I didn't hear anything"
"Sounded like hoofbeats"
"More like Dave coming with his clogs on"
"Look, will you lot shut up; I've almost got her number..."

Into the clearing rode a figure on... well... er... on a saw horse. No, I don't know how that works either, but that's the way it goes. Urging his steed into the fray a few swift blows with a sword despatched the Russian Brides back to Moscow. He dismounted, took a small portable compressor from the tool box hanging from the side of the saw horse, set up a spray gun with a wide nozzle and proceeded to spray The Happy Band while the Spam dropped like flies.

"-" said Waka, and looked puzzled.

"Nothing to worry about" said the horseman, briskly. "We often lose unimportant conversations while disposing of Spam. The effects will wear off shortly."

"-?" said everyone.

"Oh dear, where are my manners? Welcome to The Wood Land. I'm The Knight They Call Neil, one of the guardians of this area. Come along and we'll patch you up and I daresay you'd like something to eat? Oh dear, someone with concussion? Often happens when a SWMBO catches someone in the middle of a Spam attack I'm afraid. This way."

Quite literally speechless The Happy Band followed The Knight They Call Neil to his modest three bedroom castle and workshop. Almost immediately people were bustling about preparing food while The Happy Band stood in now self-imposed silence.

"So what do you do exactly?" asked King Wenslascrit.

"Oh we see to it that the rules are obeyed. Constant war with the Spam of course. The usual. 24/7. Never ending task really"

"Good pay is it?" 

"Oh no, quite voluntary"

"Bloody he-" 

"Ah," The Knight They Call Neil raised an admonitory finger. "We don't allow swearing I'm afraid"

"But for god-"

"Or religion"

"What is this, a nanny state?" grumbled Barry.

"Politics isn't tolerated either, I'm afraid" said The Knight They Call Neil, with unwavering politeness, but with just the hint of a frown beginning to appear on his brow.

"What _can_ we talk about?" asked Wizer. "Dados?"

Twenty minutes later they were walking rather fast out of The Wood Land hoping to get clear before The Knight They Call Neil could calm down enough to follow them.

"Brilliant" muttered Martin, King of the Car Boot.
"Well I'm sorry, how was I supposed to know?"
"You might have waited until we'd had something to eat _first_" said Philly.
"Yeah, did you see the biscuits?" said a Gill, wistfully.
"#20s with cream filling. Mmmm..."
"And the chocolate finger joints."
"I thought they were chocolate box joints?"
"Comb"
"Why? I brushed my hair this morning."
"There were stuffed dove's tails too."

King Wenslascrit sighed and patiently pointed out that they were missing the really important thing.

"We never got a chance to ask if they know where to find the Devon Woody Man."
"Oh."
"Whoops"
"Forgotten about that."
"So is this a Quest then? Capital Q?"
"Dunno about that. Maybe only a quest with a little Q"
"I don't like queues"
"Oh ha ha"

Bickering amongst themselves, they carried on.


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## Lord Nibbo (21 Dec 2006)

The plot thickens, and gets even better, well done Alf :lol: :lol: :lol: 

"Thats the way to do it"

"Oh no it isnt"

"Oh yes it is"

:lol: :lol: :lol:


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## Paul Chapman (21 Dec 2006)

Bravo Alf :lol: :lol: :lol: 

Cheers :ho2 

Paul


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## Philly (21 Dec 2006)

Bravo!!!! =D> 
This is great-even better than the telly on Christmas day :lol: 
Thanks for producing such great work-maybe Steve Maskery could turn it into a DVD for us?? :wink: 
Philly


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## Gary H (21 Dec 2006)

Ah yes, but who would play the characters... #-o never mind :roll: I'm going...

Story gets better, BTW. Well done.

Gary


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## Alf (21 Dec 2006)

Well if you want to know what happens next, you know what you have to do... :ho2 

Cheers, Alf


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## Gill (21 Dec 2006)

Gill was going to write the next scene, but Gill didn't like the plot. Not that it mattered anyway, because Gill's the only one who knows the log-on details for this forum, and she's not around. She's gone Christmas shopping with Gill.

Gill


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## woodbloke (21 Dec 2006)

Alf - great stuff...so the Happy Band of Brothers (and Sister) is out of Wood Land, a trifle peckish maybe (pun intended) but where to next on their adventures this Yuletide... - Rob


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## CHJ (21 Dec 2006)

“It's Finished!!

*Oh no It's Not!!*


*“Forty Two” *came the shout from nowhere in particular and they all jumped round to see no one in particular.

“Who said that? Said King Wenslascrit,

“Weren’t me” said BugBear having just caught up with the motley crew.

“Where you bin then” remarks Wizer.

“Had a problem wive me Saw Touth didn’t I” says Bugbear

“Need to see Wonderland Alice about that, before it gets too bad else you’ll get shipped off to Oregon” chips in the Phantom.

“Shurrup you lot” says one of the Gills looking more like a Dizzy Blond every minute. “Who did say That”

“Say Wot” said Martin still trying to get to grips with the quip about huffing and puffing.

“Forty Two” says Gill number four.

“I thought that was no one in particular” said Gary who had just reached the group after the hard climb out of the valleys, “frightened me to death, who asked the question then”

“ Wot Question” says Martin.

“Well I thought it was obvious that someone had asked the question” says Gary, “It was obviously an answer so there must have been a question”.

“Hang About” says Wizer, “you mean that someone asked a question”

“Of course” says Phantom Philly, “King Wenlsascrit” asked where Devon Woody was didn’t he”

“Well we all know were he is, he’s hunting his car keys up the buff bathing end of Bondi Beach” says the man from Malvern having just arrived again on a 144 bus via Worcester.

“I think I see him” says Wizer holding a rapidly fabricated spy glass to his eye, amazing what junk there is round the back of Byrons new shed, “Why’s he walking upside down on his hands”

“Don’t be a pillock” says the Phantom, “he’s the right way up it’s the ground that’s buttocks uppards down there”.

“Oh I thought it was because he burnt his feet” says Bugbear having given up pondering how he was going to get the fare back from Oregon this side of Christmas

“But I still don’t see it” says Wizer looking rather no-plussed at not seeing the obvious, “What the He** has “Forty Two” got to do with where Devon Woody is?”

At this point The Knight They Call Neil, wanting to get a little more sense into the discussion points out that the answer is the result of having the right question in the first place and perhaps it was all relevant to the meaning of life and not thinking long enough about it.

The happy Band immediately went into a huddle and unanimously decided, (well they would have if the could have spelt it), that some people around here who showed off riding fancy Saw Horses was being a little to pushy and should be ignored for a while.

Still didn’t answer the Question though.

Meanwhile ‘no one in particular’ looked on in amusement from his perch on top of the mini cyclone that the Phantom had discarded earlier in the year wondered if an echo friendly repartition would help take the story full circle.


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## Alf (21 Dec 2006)

Ooo, it's going all surreal - I like.  So who is the mysterious "no one in particular"? :-k


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## Waka (21 Dec 2006)

Great show Guys and Girls, keep it coming.


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## CHJ (21 Dec 2006)

‘Big Q, little Q, Big Q, little Q, Big Q, little Q, Big Q, little Q, 
“Wot yer mumbling about”
‘Nuffink’
“Sounds a bit Sinister Dexter to me”
‘Who you calling Dexter :evil: ’

“Give over you two” says Gill number two.

“Thought you’d gone shopping” says Martin.

“Finished Early, could only find poor quality Chipping Norton Stones”

“Told you, should have gone to Waterstones” says the Phantom.

“Not sure about that, they are Sharp in there & I find them a bit Scary with all that Plate Glass about”

“ Look Folks” says Gary, still trying to steer the group a little “ we haven’t got any further in our Quest for Devon Woody; I think we should make our way down to Kernow with Alice and get his Nibs to find us a boat”

“Yes it should be Plane sailing from there as long as the Frogs are secure, I wonder what Charley would say if he was here?” says Chisel

“Probably something about ‘stay away from the slope’ muttered Wizer :roll: .

“Last I heard from Devon Woody it was 30deg+ and he was crumbling around the edges” says Bugbear, “You got a Handle on it Alice?” 

“Not really, I’ll Pen Oldsoke a line to see if he can turn a Little Something up while we’re travelling and perhaps we can pick up Devons' scent with a torque-key on the way, it's better than going nowhere in particular.
That reminds me, where's No One In Paticular"

"Who's No One In Particular"

"I dunno, thought you was supposed to be sorting that out"

"Look here you two, I'll bang your heads together in a minute" says one of the Gills struggling to shake off a dizzy spell because some fool forgot to turn the music off some sixteen posts ago.


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## StevieB (22 Dec 2006)

Now scroll forwards in time... 

'Sounds like a job for us Girls' said Gill 3!

Our happy band have passed a dark skinned man playing Dancing Queen on the Didgeridoo 'Thats Abbariginal' muttered Bean as they passed, dropped in to Sinderellas Castle for a restful nights sleep(ahem) and been pointed in the direction of Tom Bomba-Lie-Nielson, who will fill in some plot and get the panto back on track.

'Ah' said Tom, 'It's the Devon Woody you seek. I have news for you my friends.'

'He has been captured by ScarySharp Man and imprisoned in a Dark Tower held in a cage of PurpleHeart. The PurpleHeart is impervious to all but the sharpest blades. You will need to travel to the fires of Mount Doom (open 7 days a week, families welcome, why not try our gift shoppe) to forge a steel of the sharpest quality.'

'Crivens' cried a small voice. 'Oops, wrong play, were offski'

'Ahah', said Alice, 'I know Mount Doom, its In Devon. Forn Lands past the town of Axminster. We can stock up on supplies there before making a perilous assault on the Slopes of Mount Doom (Tea rooms and play area for the kids! A fun day out for all the family)'.

'Ah Yes, brave words indeed' said Tom Bomba-Lie-Nielson, 'but beware the dreaded Seagulls of ScarySharp Man, bound to him for eternity by a rare earth magnet in the unfortunate incident of the ring'

'Bored of the rings' muttered JayEffZee. 'Lets get going, I wanna be home in time for Norm at 2:30. It might be a new series.'

And so our merry band set out across the plains, through the land of the Neanderthals to the fabled town of Axminster, before heading onto Mount Doom (Open Sundays and Bank Holidays, Petting Zoo opening 2007).....

To be continued.....


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## Alf (22 Dec 2006)

:lol: :lol:


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## JFC (22 Dec 2006)

=D> =D> :lol: Your all mad !


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## Waka (22 Dec 2006)

Philly the Phantom Knight of Wessex and Lord of the Planes heard about the Scrolling Gill's and Bean travelling into darkest Devon in the quest to rescue Deveon Woody of the Skips.

Philly the Pantom mounted his trusty steed Xcalibar, shouting for Martin the Car Boot, keeper of the Bay, we need to raise a band of WW's to help in the quest.

Martin rode up on Record his faithfull 55 and said "lets get a message to Wood the Bloke who lives Salisbury way, being the keeper of the diamond stones he will be able to help us. 

What about Sawdust the Producer, Dragon of all that lies to the West of Bristollier. 

Also send word to King Wenlsascrit, Roger the Sindenbad, Steve the Masked Marauder of Maskery to bring fellow WW's from the North.

Philly the Phantom and Martin the Car Boot sent word ahead that they were coming to assist in the quest to track down Devon Woody of the Skips. 

As they set off and neared a town called Bridport Stuart the Paul Keeper of the Fire warned that dark days lay ahead, be very careful as you cross into the land called "Devon".

Both Philly the Phantom, Martin the Car Boot and Wood the Bloke had crossed the border many times and visited that place called Axminster, they had on many occassions traded paper for shiny thing that now adorn their castles.

Martin the Car Boot mentioned that it was a good job that Waka the Pensioner was absent, if he knew about places like Axminster he would have a heart attack.

As they approched that place called Axminster other bands of WW's on the same quest appeared.
As they gathered round the camp fire that night there was talk of venturing further into the darkest depths of a place called Cornwall. As they spoke of ALF the Collector Keeper of all things Cornwellian chills went through their bones.

Fear not says Philly the Phantom and Martin the Car Boot, we know ALF the Collector and compared with us there is nothing to worry about. Ah but what about the Gill's Says Sawdust the Producer, Wood the Bloke steped forward, I will protect them with the diamond stone.

Knowing of the impending WW's journey into the place called Cornwall ALF the Collector started preparing for the long journey that lay ahead across the murky waters in the quest to find Devon Woody of the Skips.


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## Scrit (22 Dec 2006)

Hold on a minute, has anyone seen my dodo, Dado? I'm sure he's around here somewhere..... 

(sound of woodworking dwarves singing in the background to the strains of Hi-Ho!) _"Dado, dado, it's off the fingers go.........."_

Now where did I put that bird?

Wencelascrit


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## SketchUp Guru (22 Dec 2006)

This is great! If it gets made into a television show I'd get cable so I could watch it.

Keep it up.


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## CHJ (22 Dec 2006)

Meanwhile the not so happy band of Cotswoldians heading south thro’ Summerset (well it is winter isn’t it) stop for a bite to eat at that common stamping ground of Martock Marvels called Yandles, hopefully they will finish salivating over the ever moving wood pile in time to reach Bridport and garner up a parcel of Spider Crabs (you can never have to many Crabs) before the IceScreams and they all get bogged down in the Marsh Westwards with the others.


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## Lord Nibbo (22 Dec 2006)

Meanwhile in the far far frozen north, about two miles north of Watford a band of foreign invaders had been forewarned by woodythepecker that the quest in the darkest depths of Devon were about to emigrate in to Cornwall, the ring leader of these eastern origin imports was none other than the infamous Derek Barbarious-Cohen. Derek on hearing of the migrating band in the south stands up quick and declares to his villainous sidekick Lasos….. “They’re not looking for the Devon Woody Man, it’s all a ploy” the rest of the foreign imports namely Scott, Celtic Neil, Cyc, all listen in anticipation of what might end up as a good excuse for a booze up. Mudman and Taffy Turner plus several Martins and even more Colins sit eating #20 biscuits left over from the do at Phantom Phillys 

Derek Barbarious-Cohen getting angry with all the biscuit munchers shouts, “We all know where the Devon Woody Man really is, so it’s our job to stop that lot getting too Cornwall”

“Why should we” Ian of Dalziel declares.

“Because” Derek yells “Because they’re really out to nick Excalibur from the guardians”

“Who are the guardians?” asks Sir Gidon

Derek Barbarious-Cohen looks Sir Gidon in the eyes and replies, “They are none other than our friendly fiends, Bug the Bear, Joker Jake, Ike the Spike, Frank Incensed, and last but not least Lynx of Lydl”

“But how can we help that lot from not losing Excalibur?” politely asks Ian of Dalziel 

“By getting off our saw horses and catch a passing BUS (geddit  )” snaps Derek

“Be quicker to go another route(r)” quips Joker Jake.

So all the foreign imports plus a few biscuit munchers get out their Veritas MKII’s and quickly hone their Hock eyed weapons of mass destruction and set off to beat Wenslascrit and his Dado singing songsters to the Land of the Guardians and Excalibur.

“Hang on a minute” shouts Bug the Bear “I dunno if I can go”

“Why not?” replies Lynx of Lydl

“I aint got no money”

“What do you want money for?” says Frank Incensed

Bug the Bear pauses then replies “Well you’ll need a quid to get out of Cornwall and back into England and if I’m late home for tea Swmbo won’t allow me out to play. :lol: :lol: :lol: 

Meanwhile two miles from Axminster or maybe nearer Zummerset........ ?


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## gidon (22 Dec 2006)

You lot are all wasting your talents with woodworking!
Good stuff .
Cheers
Gidon


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## Paul Chapman (22 Dec 2006)

Getting better all the time  

Cheers :ho2 

Paul


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## Waka (22 Dec 2006)

Just West of Plymouth in view of the Tamar Bridge the gateway to Cornwallian land ruled by ALF the Collector, Philly the Pantom, Martin the Car Boot, Wood the Bloke and Stuart the Paul meet up with Wenslascrit and his merry band of followers.

Where's the 5 Gill's asks Martin the Car Boot, stopped off in Plymouth Town to do some shopping says Wenslascrit. I tired to tell them to hang onto their money, because Bug the Bear is rumoured to be hanging around doing some filing. 

Swiftly, swiftly we must move says Wenslascrit, the infamous Derek Barbarious-Cohen and his crowd of renegades is heading South on their BUS.

Fear not proclaims Philly the Phantom thier veritas machines are no match for our LN #8's and once across the border we will chisels away at the bridge, making them come the long way round.

Lord Nigel of Camberley not having, or even knowing that he needs a #8 raced back to the place called Axminster to arm himself with the famous #8.

Martin the Car Boot looks on amazed as the #8 speds past him towards the bridge, never seen one of them on the bay, perhaps Waka the Pensioner will advise me on when to but.

With all the movement to the East and North ALF the Collector starts getting worried. She spies Philly the Phantom, Martin the Car Boot, Wood the Bloke and Wenslascrit's merry band of followers.

Greeting Philly the Phantom, says Alf the Collector, welcome to the land of abundant tools. 

Heading across the open sea towards Tintagel, (a little known spot on the North coast of Cornwellian Land) Sawdust the Producer and his dragonets are preparing to land, armed with saws, chisels and mallats they will protect Excalbar until ALF the Collector and the merry groups of Wenslascrit and Philly the Phantom arrive.

Martin the Car Boot and Wood the Bloke ask ALF the Collector the all important question, "if we get Excalibar, will it help us find Devon Woody Man"?


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## Scrit (22 Dec 2006)

Paul Chapman":362phtyy said:


> Getting better all the time


Yes, but Wakin I do to add to the merriment?


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## woodbloke (22 Dec 2006)

Meanwhile, the elusive Devon Woody Man, of whom all the gallant band were seeking, was in a distant land far far away, the land of Oz, burning under a scorching sun. The heat was fierce on Devon Woody Man's brow, the perspiration dripped from him...need another Tinny of the ice cold Fosters he muttered to himself on the burning shore, seruptitiously watching all the attractions without SWIMBO noticing :lol: . 

Meanwhile Derek of the Oz, gleafull of the antics of recent sporting events concerning men in white hitting a little red ball about, on hearing of Devon Woody Mans dire predicament of the burning shore, determined to mount a rescue effort. By means of magical ways he contacted a merry band in the land of Frozen Fog...Philly the Phantom (leader of the band), Alf the Collector, Martin of the Bay and Boot, Waka the Pensioner and Wood of the Bloke, Defender of the Stones.

'Oi... you lot....gooday... I hear you're looking for the Devon Woody Man' said Derek of the Oz, taking a sip from his own Tinny of the Fosters...'I got some news for you..and its all bad.....'


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## Alf (22 Dec 2006)

"Well that was interesting" said Philly the Phantom, after they'd heard Derek of Oz's news. (See what I did there? Neat side-step or what?)
"Interesting?" said the Pensioned one. "It's a disaster."
"He right," declared Martin, King of the Bay and Boot. "We need some advice."
"Yes but how do we decide which forum to put the query on; Off Topic? Finishing? Design? Should we include a Sketch Up drawing to explain the dilemma?" The Chosen Ones of The Merry Band were all of a dither.
"We should split up" suggested Alf The User Not A Collector Thank You So Very Much. Mainly because she was keen to direct the others away from a promising classified ad for tools in the local paper, but you didn't hear that from me. 
"You lot should go and see the Famous Wise Man of North Devon, who'll stroke his beard with his well-manicured fingernails in order to summon up Wise Words. I know; I've seen him do it."
"And what about you?" asked the Defender of The Stones, craning to get a glance at the paper.
"I shall return to the Convent of Our Lady of Veritas and confer with the Ninja Nuns who practice the mystic art of Bevel Up."
"Why do they need to practice?" asked Philly, "I've heard they're pretty good at it already."
"Besides I can't go to the Land of The Burning Shore; the tool pickings there don't sound like much cop at all," explained the Non-Collector Alf.

So she waved them off on their journey until they were out of sight - then made a dash for the 'phone, advert in hand.

The remaining Chosen Ones trudged off, wondering if they shouldn't summon someone else to come and join their Merry Band.
"Have a look at the Total Posts list and see who's posted enough to warrant such an accolade" suggested Martin of the Bay.
"What we need," mused Wood of the Bloke, "Is a Knight."
"Ah ha," cried Philly, perusing the list. "Just the fellow here."

And by the wonders of the non-existant logic in this story, there was a bang, a cloud of smoke and there standing before them, coughing, was...

"What the...?" said Double Dee, his arms covered in oil and the grassbox of a Ransomes Ajax lawnmower in his hand. "Oh really, you might have asked if it was convenient."
"Sorry, no time," said Philly.
"Honestly. Knight we say, and who does he pick? The obvious? Oh no, of course not." grumbled The Bay King.
"It may come in very handy if we run into some long grass" observed Waka. "Some of those ornamental grasses can get quite vicious..."

Before long they found themselves on a wild and deserted shore. Atop the cliff stood a lonely tower with adjacent workshops and off-road parking.

"This must be the place," said Philly, stepping out towards it with renewed energy.
"Who is it we're going to see again?" asked Double Dee.
"The Famous Wise Man of North Devon, who'll stroke his beard with his well-manicured fingernails in order to summon up Wise Words." explained Wood of the Bloke.
"Ooo, are you sure we didn't need to book in advance?"
"It'll be fine." They looked up at the tall forbidding door that towered in front of them and exchanged glances. "Probably."


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## Waka (22 Dec 2006)

Martin the Boot chimed up and said "is this really the lair of David of the hand tools books and DVD's, must be said Wood of the Bloke, ALF the non-collector but tool user (YEH RIGHT) would not lead us done a slippery slope. Thats right said Philly the Phantom, unless there is something in it for her.
Waka the pensioner mentioned that there were a few tool COLLECTORS auctions going on nearby.

Double Dee of the Grass Box was keen to here the wisdom of David of the Hand Tool Books and DVD's.

Philly the Phantom consumed with anger and regret because the Collector of Tools was not seeking forgiveness in the Convent of Veritas, but trading with Lee of the Neilson and Blue of the Mighty Spruce.

We'll deal with the collector when we have conferred with David of the Hand Tool Books and DVD's. If it is confirmed that Devon Woody Man is on far distant shores then the Tool Collector known as ALF will accompany the faithful down that slope to upside down land.


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## houtslager (22 Dec 2006)

> Applause Applause Laughing Your all mad !



bloody marvellous


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## Noel (22 Dec 2006)

Upside down land was a barren, null a tree land. The searchers found themselves cast astray on a flat and square plane. They had better sketch up a cunning plan to track down the chosen one. But what were they to do? Lost and tooless they felt down at heart. Suddenly a bright light appears in the east. Three anglels bereft of wings and heavenly halos, weighed down with strange waist worn garments filled with essence of Estwing fall thumpingly loudly to the ground. Dusting off sawdust and swarf the 3 messengers from Massachusetts announce in Unison (for they are card carrying and fully paid up) - "We have been sent to prepare the way for our leader. He will assist you in your quest for the chosen one. The one known as Sir Devon Wood of Ottery St Janet and Honiton"
The band of travellers stand motionless. They had come a long way, their bond was tite, their spirit level. As they wondered what new adventures awaited them a calamitous sound accosted their ears. A whirring cyclone appeared. The 3 angels fell, again, to the ground. "our leader, our leader" could be heard above the noise. From the eastern sky a bearded giant with large reflective eyes appeared wearing a garment of multiple squares. "It is he, it is he" cried the 3 messengers in Unison. 
A large shadow fell over the plane. A loud tapping noise could be heard.
The 3 messengers, united in voice, announced "Hail your saviour. King Norm of Delta"


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## Newbie_Neil (23 Dec 2006)

Noel":1n3mahdl said:


> A large shadow fell over the plane. A loud tapping noise could be heard. The 3 messengers, united in voice, announced "Hail your saviour. King Norm of Delta"



But they were greatly mistaken. The tall imposing figure with the magnificent flowing beard was really King David of the Sharp. Upon recognising him Alf the Collector immediately fell down at his feet, closely followed by Philly the Phantom and Waka the Pensioner. Cries of _*we are not worthy*_ filled the air.

Kind David of the Sharp has been training his troops in small groups for many years and now they number in their thousands. Although they are loyal to King David of the Sharp, the majority of them are based in a far-off colony.

The first three sailing ships full of his supporters all died after a “Perfect Storm” loosened all of their sharp irons and the blades rained down on them, much like a dado coming loose from a, yet to be invented, tablesaw.

What will happen to the next three ships that are only two days into the six-week journey out of Boston? Will Alf the Collector manage to light the beacons, or will the wicked Sheriff of Nottingham aka the Earl of Masquery succeed with his wicked plot of world domination of the woodworking dvd market? Will Waka the Pensioner agree to a reduction in his credit card limit or will he still try to emulate the buying power of Philly the Phantom? Was LN Cosman of the Dovetail really onboard the first of the three ships?


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## Alf (23 Dec 2006)

"That's torn it" said Sister Whittering, putting down the shiny lapped O1 blade she'd been using to magically view the arrival of the Bearded One.
"What's the plan? You know the last batch of weaponry has been held up at customs," said Sister Verbose.

The Order of Our Lady of Veritas was evidentaly not a silent one and indeed the Sisters were encouraged to talk, and especially write, at considerable length. It's not an original idea, but hey...

"Sister Garrulous?" Sister Whittering was in martial mode.
"Mmm?"
"Will you take your head out of those classified ads and _concentrate_?"
"Sorry, Sister" said the Sister Formally Known As Alf. 
"How is it that you're here _and_ there?"
"Mmm?"
"Oh honestly, wake up! There appear to be two of you."

Sister Alf looked up and made two accurate observations,
"That one's s'not me. For a start I'm NOT a collector. And secondly I wouldn't fall down at the feet of anyone who advocates sharpening to such a degree as that. I mean 23? Hey, why not 24? Or 22. Honestly it's..."
"All right, point taken. Evidentally there are imposters about and we must be on our guard. You must go back into the world, join them and attempt to ensure they don't make a complete Design Opportunity out of it."
"Back into the world? Oh no, I can't possibly. All those blasted children breaking into implausibly choreographed songs every other moment..."
"Wrong story," hissed Sister Verbose. "And what's it got to do with woodworking anyway?"
"Nothing, but it _is_ Christmas and _every_ Christmas..."
"Yes, yes, all right," broke in Sister Whittering, tetchily. "Off you go. Report back when you can. May The Rust Be With You."
"Live Long and Oxidize" returned Sister Garrulous, and hurried off to gather up the special issue tool kit. She stopped. She came back.
"Erm...?"
"Yes? What?"
"How am I supposed to get there exactly?"
"Report to the extraction point in an hour. Our colleagues at the College of Clenton Downunder will be ready to let forth with numerous gloats of the highest order, thus creating a vacuum of unbelievable power causing you to be Sucked straight there in a mere 17 hours."
"Oh. Of course, silly me. Will there be an in-pipe movie?"
"Of course. Back-to-back showings of The Wise Man's DVDs - you should sleep through the whole journey."
"The things I do for this forum..." muttered Alf, as she rushed off to get ready.


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## RogerS (23 Dec 2006)

"Have I told you about the Legacy" enquired JayEffCee, still wondering how he'd suddenly found himself from the cosy warmth of Byron's workshop to the frozen wastes of the Western Lands. 

"Enough!" they all cried as a slowly spinning offcut majestically soared through the air from JayEffCee's antique spindley machine and narrowly missing Sister Verbose. 

"This Quest is the only legacy (with a little 'l') that we're interested in. We're never going to find Woody before the RuttingLands feast of offerings (Chaiwanese a speciality of the house..."unintelligible instructions" is our motto) comes to an end. Especially if we keep getting diverted to read about doctors and databases".

"Never you mind" says Tim...surfacing from behind a huge pile of library shelves. "Just as soon as I've finished edge-banding the three miles of shelving, I'll get right onto it. Maybe even give Tony the Terrible a hand with his website. I do hear that inside it is hidden the True Way to all things Partly P and other such diversions."


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## mahking51 (23 Dec 2006)

Martin of the Boot, lowliest, largest and least honoured member of the Exalted Fellowship Of the Dorsetshire Woodkateers felt very woozy and somewhat befuddled, having listened and watched all that had hereabove gone before.

For him, it had all started simply when he had bartered a couple of old broken 78's for two lengths of thick plate glass from The Molten Silica Company; had them cover it with 80 grit Unicorn scrotum and fix it to his knees upside down so that he could begin the Sacred Pilgrimage to worship at the feet of The Great See of David wot resided in the nether regions of tool hell commonly known as Devonia.

His mission there was to discover the arcane mysteries of achieving The Ultimate Flatness.

Is it therefore possible to imagine his utter chagrin and desolation when after trudging many, many leagues on his torn knees; surviving the HyperVoid of Axminstinia; avoiding the seductive chanting of the Sirens of Leusnielsoniae and the financial predations of the Phillawakarae that when he finally got to worship at the feet of the Master the course was not about getting the perfect six pack but something to do with bloody plane 
soles!

After this debacle his one all consuming thought (after having a snack!) was that he must exact vengeance for this perceived perfidy and that this would be best done by reforming the all powerfull Holy Alliance of the Boot Plunderers!

............tbc?


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## mel (23 Dec 2006)

id love to contribute but im LOST 
have been back and read it twice 
excellent fun


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## mel (23 Dec 2006)

id love to contribute but im LOST 
have been back and read it twice 
excellent fun


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## JFC (23 Dec 2006)

What was that Mel ? :lol: 
I have to agree i would love to join in but i cant remember what everyone is called or where we are in the lost plot :lol:


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## Waka (23 Dec 2006)

What's happened to Martin the Boot, said Waka the Poor (too young to be a pensioner), gone off to pay homage to David the Sharp on bended knee no doubt, he'll probably meet ALF the collector their said Wood the Bloke, you know how she likes to pay homage to anyone with more tools. well I guess, said Philly the Phantom, that she'll only be paying homage to herself. 
Is that why she got the name ALF the Collector, says Waka the Poor.

Unbeknown to us ALF the Collector was already at a place called Plymothian where she could be wized to upside down land is as short a time a 17 hours as promised by the Nuns at The Order of Our Lady of Veritas. 

The Three Woodkateers, Wood the Bloke and Wenslascrit and the guys from the North would go by boat as they were not sure about this new mode of travel that Alf the Collector was embarking on. Can we come by boat as well says the 5 Gills, sure everyone chimes, as long as Bug the bear is not with you, cos he'll only want to go home half way through.

Anyone know where Roger Sindenbad is, cried Wenslascrit some where of topic came the tumultuous cry.

Derek of Oz was aware that the rescue team for Devon Woody Man were on the way, time he thought was on hands until he learnt the Alf the Collector was planing it in. The only way to stop ALF the Collector was to suspend her in the never never land of that guy Norm who everyone seems to talk about.

Who the hell is Norm says Martin the Boot, I don't know says Waka the Poor, guys don't you know anything says, Philly the Phantom. 
Both Waka the Poor and Martin the Boot were red faced, Wood the Bloke pipes up and says, he's not as good as Wenzaloff the Saw, nobodys that good chimes the three woodkateers.

After leaving the safe lands of Cornwellian and heading for the Bay of Biscuits the 3 ships trying not to get too close in case of the Domino effect, made haste towards upside down land.

Thats when when it happened


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## Nigel (23 Dec 2006)

It's magical and enthralling just like a panto should be 
keep it coming :? 
and yes you are all mad :x but I like you

Nigel


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## mel (23 Dec 2006)

so 3 ships are laden with a cast of 150 or so characters 
when up pipes wenslascrit 
"can anyone sail these ships " a silence fell over them 
can some one shut those fingerless dwarfs up 
i cant hear properly said wenslasccrit 
when jayfcee pipes up " im a seamen " but it was a long time ago 
wheres rodger the sinbadian , hes got a nautical name 
and seaco , wasnt he a seamen too 
the five gills were laughing uncontrollably 
wheres alf the "nun" ask martin the boot 
she too busy playing the part of about three characters and wont play unless she plays the part she likes most 
whats that enquires waka the poor 
alf the collector with the knees that wont bend 
anyway she went via the cyclone pipe with her poorly knees said one of the gills , who had stopped laughing 

three ships sailled into the distance 
whos got the plot ask waka the poor 
king wenslascrit may have the plot says martin the boot 
wheres the plot going then ask the gills 
to the upside down land far away , 
ill just follow the stars until we get the plot back then 

TBC


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## JFC (24 Dec 2006)

Just then JayefFlegaCy comes running out of the bilges and explanes to Mel of siteforemanship that we are taking on water and Alf the collector has the caulking irons :shock:


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## CHJ (24 Dec 2006)

I have a sinking feeling says No One in Particular who is just along for the ride.


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## Lord Nibbo (24 Dec 2006)

In the early morning mist an orange coloured boat appears on the horizon with blue lights flashing and it’s crew hanging over the side ready to assist the stricken Ark of the Devon Woody Man rescue collective. On the bow in large blue letters it says R.N.L.I. 

“Can we assist you in any way Captain” the coxswain shouts.

“Got anything on board that will fill the gaps up in a bad dovetail joint?” cries Waka….

“I got a bucket full of sawdust for putting out a fire, will that do?”

“Yes sir the bucket is just what we need, you can sling the sawdust, are first mate Barry got tons of the stuff blocking up his cyclone” 

The R.N.L.I. coxswain heaves the old bucket over on to the Ark, Alf the Non Collector who just changed her name by deed poll runs up quickly and grabs it, eyeing it up as a possible future gloat here face changes to a sullen expression as she looks in side of it….

There’s (you all know whats coming next)

Yep….. There’s a hole in my bucket dear Wizer dear Wizer… there’s a ho……..

Etc etc ……..


With all the crew of the Ark singing joyfully the lifeboat coxswain shouts asking if he can be of more assistance…. Wenslscrit leans forward and asks “Do you know way to Ozz?” Ummm you hum it I'll sing it....


With a bang and a flash the Wonderfull wizard of Ozz appears (Norm in drag  ) “I can show you how to get there” and taping on his glasses says “First read all the instructions that come with your power tools” he then picks up the Maskery Magic Marker and places it on the ships chart table, with a quick flick of his wrist and aided by his brad gun he fixes a course along the infamous yellow brick road to Ozz. “Now take the second star to the left go past Peter Pan and go on till morning” and with a puff he disappears.

Wenslascrit stands up with shin pads and box in place roars waving his bat “Follow me lads and ladettes we will be in Oz by morning……


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## mel (24 Dec 2006)

love it so far 
let me get this right 
norm has disapeared with a puff 
that will be steve from this old house , who brought him into it ???


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## Alf (24 Dec 2006)

Meanwhile Alf the Collector, the Non-Collector, The One Travelling Down a Dust Extraction Pipe to Oz etc etc (all 73 of them - so now you know how I manage to post so often...) where all collectively clutching their heads and yelling

"I've got a Splitting Personality!"

In a bid for some faint thread of sanity in a plot otherwise likely to find favour on the wards of Bedlam, The Tool Gods took pity on her and in a flash made a available a Stanley #1 in mint condition with a price tag of £2.50. Unable to do anything but obey the powerful instinct to buy, through space and time all 73 Alfs rushed together once more and arrived, whole again (and definitely not a collector), just in time to snatch it up and offer £2 for it.

The deal done she looked about her, only to find she was...

To vote for your choice, dial WOODWORKING and add:

In the Ark sinking in the Bay of Biscuits..............................*01*
At the End of the Dust Extraction Tube in Oz......................*02*
On a Beach in Bali...............................................................*03*
In the workshop actually making something........................*04*
Dancing the the Argentinian Tango with Mark Ramprakash...*05*

Hey, a girl can dream... :wink:


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## CHJ (24 Dec 2006)

Sorry Girl, in the interests of the plot it is *02* for me, mind you folks, judging by her latest antics she is just as likely to Turn A Round, outrageously dressed in a Bodgers (s)Pinny and lop off a few protrusions to ease her way through to Lizzy More who she has it on good authority knows where the Devon Woody is, gloating about the temperature without the foggiest notion or concern for the long term sufferers still at risk of drowning in the Bay of Biscuits (The Bang and the Flash blew the fuse didn't it) in the search to rescue him from such debauchery and misguided pursuits as eating Xmas lunch in the shade of the….


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## Paul Chapman (24 Dec 2006)

I reckon there's an *06* and Alf will appear dressed as *Long John Silver *with a *parrot* on her shoulder..... :ho2


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## mel (24 Dec 2006)

:?: when does wenslascrit get to sliegh norm the gay wizard for his part in making people remove the saw guards and riving knifes :?: 
saying that its only for photographic purposes 
he could use excaliber , if he hasnt left it on a saw horse in plymouth harbour . :lol:


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## Nigel (24 Dec 2006)

I reckon the *Parrot* is in the crows nest of the coast of burnt ember country
an early bird first recorded in 1905 in parrot Weekly 
later ones look in the right direction :lol:


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## Scrit (24 Dec 2006)

mel and john":4w573ex1 said:


> :?: when does wenslascrit get to sliegh norm the gay wizard for his part in making people remove the saw guards and riving knifes :?:
> saying that its only for photographic purposes
> he could use excaliber , if he hasnt left it on a saw horse in plymouth harbour . :lol:


Mel

Inviting me in at this stage to make a Charley of myself when I'm sufficiently slewed that I hardly give A-dam isn't really fair (does that make me an Oldsoke, I wonder, ah well it's Christmas after all!). I could find that Dedee, ColinC and JFC (nor to mention JasonB and Steve Maskery or even Rob Lee and DavidC) all decide to gang up on me as the clock nears Midnight. Then in order to make good my escape I'll need fight them off with my Sgian Dubh (or just throw the odd Offcut at them?) and Gidon my trusty steed shouting "Hi ho Sliver and away!" (or thumb a lift from a passing MorrisMinorDriver) and make good my escape, which would be another BugBear as I have this feeling of deja vu, yes I've Bean there, done that already. Still I hope this provides Lynx into the next section of the panto as I fade away into the Afterglow....

Wenslascrit


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## Gill (24 Dec 2006)

Alf":1zya86vk said:


> The deal done she looked about her, only to find she was...
> 
> ...Dancing the the Argentinian Tango with Mark Ramprakash...*05*
> 
> Hey, a girl can dream... :wink:



Believe me, that's a common dream! Since it's Christmas and the proceeds go to _Children In Need_, the five Gill's are speed-dialling 05 on Alf's behalf.

Can one of us have him after you've finished?


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## sliver (24 Dec 2006)

Possibly at this point, the whole cast (including me.....Mentiond twice, do I get repeat fees?) Should be made to walk the plank......................................................YES! That's right, to be made to take.........THE BIG DUNK!!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol: 

Oh, errr, sorry, that would end the story a bit abruptly wouldn't it?

Sorry, carry on mailee(ge) (my leige, geddit? oh please yerselves) :lol: 

(HI Ho) Sliver. (Leaves the stage tripping over his bass drum in a crash of cymbals)


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## Scrit (24 Dec 2006)

Sliver

You may need something faster for a get away, like a Yellow Lambourghini 2406. Me? I've just decided to go hide in Andy's Wood Shed. There might be the odd Woodworm in there (or should that be Anobium Punctatum?) or even a WoodStoat or two, but I feel that it's the Wizer option for me to take.

Wenslascrit


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## sliver (24 Dec 2006)

SEE!! KIng Wenslascrit spoke to ME..Me!! I am favoured this yuletide season. (Runs away like a girl at the thought of being offered a new Lambo from the King himself..You're all witneses you all heard him say it. If my Lambo aint in my drive by..........Let's be reasonable, 6am Christmas morning...( hey, that's tomorrow) Then I'll Sue! (Though I don't think she works Christmas day :lol: :lol:


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## Waka (24 Dec 2006)

I've just run out of steam.

Congrats all the participants it was good fun.

And ALF we all really know that you are not a collector, its really Philly the Phantom and Martin the Boot, tjhey even tried to lead me astray today. Could really have fallen for it but HID's hid the pension book.

You all have fun in the next week or so, I'm off to Singapore on Wednesday for some Far Eastern Promise, that can't be right the wife's going too.


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## Newbie_Neil (24 Dec 2006)

Hi Waka



Waka":1rjifrus said:


> You all have fun in the next week or so, I'm off to Singapore on Wednesday for some Far Eastern Promise, that can't be right the wife's going too.



Have a really good time. If you see a 22 year old male geek with long fair hair tied back into a ponytail on your flight, just say that Uncle Neil wishes him well.

Cheers
Neil


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## sliver (24 Dec 2006)

Waka, have great time & while we're at it have a long & happy retirement.

This has been fun & got us all in the mood for the festive period.

Cheers, Sliver the drum.


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## Scrit (25 Dec 2006)

sliver":2766ukol said:


> SEE!! KIng Wenslascrit spoke to ME..Me!! I am favoured


Oh no you're not! I am an equal opportunity Yuletide Panto character and will speak to anyone..........


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## Steve Maskery (25 Dec 2006)

Thank goodness someone shouted "Mornington Crescent!" 
This really has been an excellent thread - great fun. Thank you to all the contributors.

Happy Christmas all.


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## Lord Nibbo (26 Dec 2006)

Thanks to all the contibuters  and even more to those who took the time to read through all the posts. I never believed it would be so popular  so do we do it next year ? What theme should we do?  anyway enjoy the rest of the holiday, and maybe make swmbo happy by keeping out of the workshop until Wednesday at least ....... some hope of that from what I've read already...    

its alright for you lot but my xmas pressie (set of LN chisels) wont get to me until the 29th via Virgin Atlantic, I hope the fogs gone, I cant wait....  

Anyway here is a wish for everyone... 

I hope next year brings a very happy healthy and woodworky new year....


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## mel (26 Dec 2006)

this was a very good thread that you started LN 
don't know which was most popular 
the UKW panto or 
byron blacks workshop build thread .

yes we should do it again next year . definitely


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## Colin C (26 Dec 2006)

I have to agree that this was a great read and Thanks to all that put in to it =D> =D> :ho2 .

I hope you all have had a great Xmas and role on a great new year


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## les chicken (27 Dec 2006)

Very entertaining reading and very funny. I was sat at my computer in S Wales imagining all the different bands of rescuers, villains and goodies tramping down through the west country into Devon and Cornwall. No wonder they built a bridge over the river severn and charge you lot to come into Wales, it is free to go home. :wink: :wink: 

Reading the different chapters from the various contributors, if you can make up stories like that of the cuff it is no wonder that all your workshops are full of tools that you "must have"

Excellent

Les


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