# Depression



## Mark-numbers (18 Dec 2014)

My Apologies for this one, especially this time of year.

My Father in Law is a 65 year old man who is suffering with a very deep bout of depression.

I am very ignorant of depression, as no one in my family to my knowledge has suffered with it.

Anyway to cut a long story short, my FIL has been a bit of turnip in his life and career, so has very little friends and his family don't care too much for him. But he is my wifes father and I would like to try to understand and perhaps help a little if I can.

Can anyone advise me on what I can do to help or perhaps just help me understand his condition?

Many thanks in advance.


----------



## finneyb (18 Dec 2014)

Try this http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Depression ... ction.aspx

Good luck

Brian


----------



## niagra (18 Dec 2014)

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Had-Black-D...UTF8&qid=1418935800&sr=1-3&keywords=black+dog

Have a read of this book. It's a condition that is very difficult to understand, as a sufferer myself, it doesn't make sense to me either.


----------



## Doris (18 Dec 2014)

Mark-numbers":30wv554e said:


> Anyway to cut a long story short, my FIL has been a bit of turnip in his life and career, so has very little friends and his family don't care too much for him. But he is my wifes father and I would like to try to understand and perhaps help a little if I can.
> 
> Can anyone advise me on what I can do to help or perhaps just help me understand his condition?



I suffer from depression and anxiety. This time of the year is particularly bad for me. Even though I have friends and family the illness does make one really lonely.

If he is lacking friends though has he thought about volunteering? I know of a number of people who have friends now because of volunteering. The fact he is helping a charity may also give him a sense of purpose and achievement. 

I volunteer for my local wildlife trust and since I have started there 2 years ago I have gathered many friends and now have a support network. This has given me a sense of purpose and have achieved many things here too. I still suffer from depression but know it will be with me for a long time and I have a network (some of which are fellow sufferers) who understand what I am going through.


----------



## Max Power (18 Dec 2014)

I am embarrassed to admit that I was one of those people that thought what have they got to be depressed about etc until the aftermath of a brain injury and the life changes it brought about caused me to suffer it myself  
Its the most debilitating illness you can imagine and very difficult to escape from, I felt as though I was in a bottomless pit with no hope of change and it took a long time to get back to any sense of normality, but as Doris has said he needs to force himself to get involved in things and have some form of routine to follow
Good Luck


----------



## monkeybiter (19 Dec 2014)

I don't think he'll force himself to do anything if he's severely depressed. My bouts are brief now, and I find knowing they will pass is one thing that keeps it that way. Maybe if he can recognise and accept that it might help.

Fortunately there is a decreasing amount of stigma surrounding mental health these days, it's like a guilty secret everybody's wanted to tell someone. 

If you could persuade him to see his doctor he may recieve useful help.


----------



## Self Taught (19 Dec 2014)

Mark - numbers, 

Never say you are sorry, for trying to understand an ailment, that you, or a loved one, doesn't have. Depression as stated above is very hard to understand, I was diagnosed with it 14 yrs. ago. I keep this secret to myself every day, if you saw me you wouldn't know any different. I have great days and some horrible days, the biggest problem with depression, is it links off of other problems, health, alcohol, and self worth are just a few. I would also recommend a visit to a physician, and possibly a therapist, meds can help a lot, and make things more balanced. Best of luck, I hope we have been a help in some small way. Enjoy your holidays, all my best to you and your family. Jamey


----------



## dzj (19 Dec 2014)

Some people suffer from seasonal affective disorder, a type of depression. Experts claim it can be reduced greatly by an increase in the 
amount of light in the house.
A visit to the doctor can help, but these days they're all a bit 'pill crazy'.


----------



## SammyQ (19 Dec 2014)

The 'Black dog' is a terrible thing, in that there are no outward symptoms and the patient with it is sometimes so 'insulated' against the real world they cannot percieve it as 'normal' people do; skewed thinking or blinkered thinking if you will. I found all the pills and the nice lady you are sent to talk to of little use. Doris hit it on the head, get involved in something new or different, get your FIL out of himself. Give him a broader horizon than his 'norm'; mind you, that means finding something he can get on with, but which he has never experienced before.

Sam


----------



## Steve Maskery (19 Dec 2014)

Just be there for him.There is lots of good advice above, as well.

If he can avoid medication, that would be good. Anti-depressants stop one feeling bad, but they do not make one feel good. Just numb. Nothing. At least, that was my experience.If you'd told me I'd won the lottery or had a week to live, my response would have been the same - "Oh yeah? OK."

Doing stuff, anything, really, helps a lot. I volunteer one day a week, and whilst it is no longer as convenient as it was and I don't know how much longer I shall continue,it has helped me a lot. As has doing this workshop build of mine. The hardest part is getting started.

Actually, for me, being mentally ill has had an advantage. If I'd been properly sane and rational, there is no way I would have embarked on such a ridiculous building project, and I'm not trying to be funny. As a result, I shall have a much bigger and better workshop than I would have had if I'd been making sensible decisions.

But just being there for him will be great.


----------



## gregmcateer (19 Dec 2014)

Ditto all the above.

We are currently housing my FIL and when he is down, the loud, funny, effervescent and frankly sometimes deeply opinionated and annoying old [email protected]@@@r is nowherre to be seen.

Just give as much time and support and kindness as you possibly can. I am sure everyone would want to avoid longterm medication, but it seems in my limited experience of loved ones, that it may just be the only way. I am sure good therapy and counselling once they are on the mend can also be very helpful.

It may sound trite, but the experience will make you and your wife stronger and more understanding of others.

Best wishes to all of you

Greg


----------



## Mark-numbers (20 Dec 2014)

Thanks to all for taking your time to respond 

Very difficult to interact with him at the moment - he is acting like a petulant child! 

I think trying to get him to volunteer is a great idea - he is retired as he sold his business and perhaps him not having a sense of purpose is causing the depression to be his deepest one yet.


----------



## pip1954 (20 Dec 2014)

Mark
I have suffered a few bouts of depression I can assure you it is no fun for him, you say he is a petulant child but he just does not know how respond to people I would say get him to see his doctor and YES get him tablets they will help! ( they take about 14 days to start working)He may not know he has any thing wrong I never new I was ILL but my wife new,
I could not see any way forward , counseling does help but it can be a wait to see some one .
You don't say if your mother in law is about if she is she needs to push him to go out and about .
You say he sold his business he maybe fells he has no direction in his life has he got any hobbies if not he needs to find one 
he needs help to find his way forward 
all the best hope he gets the help he needs 
cheers 
pip


----------



## dc_ni (20 Dec 2014)

I've suffered from depression all my life, back in 2010 I ended up attending a training center that helps people with mental health problems. 

For you there is the following:

http://www.mind.org.uk/information-...an-friends-and-family-help/?o=9222#.VJXYNV4io

I see from your post your location is Sutton Coldfield and have found this that might be of help to your FIL:

http://www.birmingham.gov.uk/cs/Sat...092595522&pagename=BCC/Common/Wrapper/Wrapper

Near the bottom of the page is contact details for the over 65's community mental health team

Just be there for him, he might not act like he appreciates it but I know he will be.


----------



## lurcher (23 Dec 2014)

i have suffered from it since childhood there is no magic cure for it but the best you can do is be supportiive and listen if he opens up to you just let him no that you care and your there for him and anyone else who is in the same way.
pete


----------



## Teepeg (23 Dec 2014)

Steve Maskery":3km6pb8b said:


> Just be there for him.



The thing is, he will not want anyone to be there for him .. Sadly another symptom i am afraid ..


----------



## Doris (24 Dec 2014)

Mark-numbers":3rtlkf06 said:


> Very difficult to interact with him at the moment - he is acting like a petulant child!



Care to elaborate?


----------



## Mark-numbers (14 Apr 2015)

I unsure why I am sharing this with a forum of people and please it isn't for attention, but more to create an awareness of just how serious depression is. 

I decided to help my father in law, spending time with him and taking him to the mental health unit as well as specialist help. I spoke to him on the phone a lot and went round to see him when I could.

This was to no avail at all as he committed suicide a few weeks ago! 

Please please please if you do have friends or family that suffer from this and you want to help then, like me get an understanding of what depression is all about and how it affects people in different ways. 

Strange thing is, we thought he was getting through it with our help and understanding. This wasn't the case quite clearly. 

Not after condolences etc, but more to make you aware of just how serious depression is. 

If you suffer from depression, or think you do please get help sooner rather than later.


----------



## Random Orbital Bob (14 Apr 2015)

Very sad Mark, very sad indeed. Despite the outcome, I'm glad you persevered in trying to help who was obviously a very troubled man. The advice about getting help is well taken and I think this whole thread shows great honesty and maturity.


----------



## RobinBHM (14 Apr 2015)

What terrible news, Im very sorry to hear that. I do hope you and your wife get through what must be awfully difficult time.

I remember the thread from the end of last year, I could never have imagined such a sad outcome. I remember thinking at the time, that the thread showed what a great community exists in this forum.

I have a SIL who suffers, it has made me think more about keeping in touch. Thank you for the advise, taken on board.


----------



## Monkey Mark (14 Apr 2015)

I'm very sorry to this sad outcome.

At least you know you did everything you could to help, something you should be very proud of.

I myself suffer from depression brought about by family situations and work. The only person who knows (other than my gp) is my wife, who also suffers from depression which can make for interesting times.
I can honestly say, had I had someone put the effort in as you have I would be both grateful and proud. I'm not saying it would definitely help, but nonetheless I'd feel the same.


----------



## Steve Maskery (14 Apr 2015)

There are many people on here who are affected one way and another. Some are open about it, others are more reserved. But Iknow from PMs that they exist. Mental health issues need to be addressed much better than they are.

There is a very readable article here.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-32231774


----------



## John15 (14 Apr 2015)

Very sorry Mark about your father-in-law. Someone very close to me suffers badly with depression. She takes 'happy' pills from the doctor which help a lot.

John


----------



## Doris (15 Apr 2015)

I'm sorry to hear that you father in law didn't make it. My thoughts are with you and your family. Any bereavement is a hard time but knowing that a loved one did this to themselves is much harder. Perhaps your wife and yourself should see a bereavement counsellor who can help you get through it. My mum lost her mum to suicide and my mum never got any help for it and really wished she did in hindsight. 



Mark-numbers":gbb5nkez said:


> Strange thing is, we thought he was getting through it with our help and understanding. This wasn't the case quite clearly.



He may well of have been. Suicide is usually more likely to happen when the sufferer is coming out of the depressive state than when they are at their lowest point.


----------



## Alexam (15 Apr 2015)

Depression is a difficult illness, but can be cured. A family member of ours had depression. No apparent reason for it and the family tried a number of things over many months. Having eventually beeing referred by the family doctor, after trying various medications that did nothing but make things worse, referral to a specialist under the NHS was the answer. That specialist turned out to be absolutely fantastic in understanding what ticks. Within a couple of medication changes, there was a great improvement and today, some three years later, that family member is back to their old self and continues on medication for the long term to prevent recurrance.

Get the family doctor to refer the matter to a specialist and I hope it will do as well for your family.


----------



## Mark-numbers (15 Apr 2015)

Thanks for all the kind words - like I say I just wanted to raise an awareness to this illness. Alexam I am assuming you are talking to those who can still do something about it? Great advise though, I think this part of the health service really is failing, our experience tells us that really needs improving!


----------

