# Another Joke



## Alexam

According to Tetley, the best way to make a perfect cup of tea is to agitate the bag!

So every morning I slap her buttocks and say: "Two sugars Fatty!!!"


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## Jonzjob

You are obviously a VERY fast runner Alex :shock: :shock: 

But what'd ya say to this instruction?





:mrgreen: :mrgreen:


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## gregmcateer

Both very good!


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## Alexam

That's sharp Jon =D> =D>


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## Cordy

My wife walked in to the room when I was in the middle of a furious argument with our son. 

When he ran out of the room crying, I said to my wife, "God, I wish that I'd used a condom now"

My wife was aghast and said, "What! You mean you wish that our son had never been born?"

I replied "No --- I've got his girlfriend pregnant"


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## Cordy

I got up for the toilet in the night and noticed a stranger sneaking around in next doors garden.
Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and whacked him around the head with a shovel, killing him instantly.

He then began to dig a grave with the shovel and bury him

Astonished I got back into bed.
-- My wife said "darling you're shaking, what's the matter?"

"You'll never believe what I've just seen" I replied

" that Moron next door has still got my bleedin' shovel!!"


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## Robbo3

Seems you've brought this thread back from the dead  ... so on that note

At our local funeral home families are given the chance to chose the music they would like to enter the service to.

One family asked to enter to Elvis Presley's hit, "Love me Tender."

The day of the funeral arrived and the music was started ready for the family to walk in to the service.

Unfortunately the wrong track number was entered into the CD player, and the family found themselves walking in to, "Return to Sender."


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## Robbo3

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' 

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'


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## whiskywill

Robbo3":3ujq9ngu said:


> Unfortunately the wrong track number was entered into the CD player, and the family found themselves walking in to, "Return to Sender."



A late friend of mine did have that tune at his funeral. It was played just as the coffin disappeared being the curtain at the crematorium.


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## DTR

Robbo3":1g81pmkr said:


> A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit........'



:lol: :lol: :lol:


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## Garno

I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business, when this FAT, 
ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kind'a cute. 
You gotta phone number?" 

I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"

She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".

I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you." 

Cost me 6 stitches... But, when you're over sixty; who cares?


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## Cordy

"Is that a gun in your pocket; or are you just happy to see me?"

Said my late wife.....


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## Cordy

On his tour of Ireland...

the Pope was asked what he thought of County Down 

"I preferred it when Carol Vorderman was in it" he replied


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## gwaithcoed

Just had an email from " Bored housewife 33 seeks action to make me feel like a women again "sent her a basket of ironing. Hope that helps .     

Alan.


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## Cordy

"Diana!" I said greeting my Mother-In-Law as she walked through the door...

She said, "My name's Anna"

I said,"Yeah, I know"


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## Brandlin

What do you get if you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?


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## Robbo3

Famous Sayings

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator
- This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator
- Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator
- And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria .. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977
- Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.

5. US PGA Commentator
- One of the reasons Arnie ( Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . Oh my god !! What have I just said?

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: 
- You'd eat beaver if you could get it.

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,
- So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night? Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
- Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said:
- There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports':
- Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: - They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
- Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.


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## dzj

Women forced to attend thermostat awareness course:

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/scie ... 1012137386


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## Geoff_S

dzj":1cte96l8 said:


> Women forced to attend thermostat awareness course:
> 
> http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/scie ... 1012137386



If only that was a joke :|


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## AES

The Chemist.

Arriving home after work a husband was met by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the Chemist. He insulted me this morning on the phone, and I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

Mad as hell, the husband drove down to confront the Chemist and demand an apology.

But before he could say more than a word or two, the Chemist said "Now, just a minute, Sir, hear my side of it first please".

"This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late starting my day.

Without any breakfast I hurried out to the car to realise I'd locked the house with house and car keys inside. I hd to break a window to get my keys."

Driving a bit too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then about three streets from the shop I had a flat tyre.

When I finally got to the shop a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I started waiting on these people, and all the time the damn phone never stopped ringing.

Then I had to break open a roll of pound coins against the cash register drawer to give change and they spilled all over the floor.

I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the pound coins and the phone was still ringing on and on.

When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer which made me stagger back against a showcase with bottles of expensive perfumes on it.

Half of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone was still ringing, no let up.

And I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.



Believe me Sir, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her".

AES


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## squib

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer,
"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" 
Sam looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing animals and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. 

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ... 

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL Database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. 

Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the Farmer and says,
"You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." 

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,"says Sam.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Sam says to the young man,
"Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" 

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,
"Okay, why not?"
"You're a Member of the European Parliament", says Sam.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?" 

"No guessing required." answered Sam."You showed up here even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are, and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog".


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## Fidget

A teacher asked her class what jobs their daddies did.

Little Tommy announced "My daddy's a stripper in a gay bar!" All the other children laughed. The teacher sent them all out to play except Tommy. She asked him "Is that true about your daddy?" Little Tommy replied "No, he actually plays rugby for England, but I was too embarrassed to say so!"


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## whiskywill

Fidget":819yzaiq said:


> A teacher asked her class what jobs their daddies did.
> 
> Little Tommy announced "My daddy's a stripper in a gay bar!" All the other children laughed. The teacher sent them all out to play except Tommy. She asked him "Is that true about your daddy?" Little Tommy replied "No, he actually plays rugby for England, but I was too embarrassed to say so!"



This one resurfaces rather often lately.


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## whiskywill

A man was robbing a bank when his balaclava slipped showing his face. 

He went up to the queue of customers and asked the first man "Did you see my face?" He replied "Yes". So he shot him dead. He went to the second customer and asked the same question. She also said "Yes" so was shot dead. He went up to the third customer and asked " Did you see my face?" The man said "No, but my wife did".


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## Robbo3

The following are regrettably phrased classified ads that have been placed in newspapers throughout the world.

"Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel." 
"2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess."
"Washing machine: free to good home." 
"No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent."
"Great Dames for sale." 
"Lost Cocktail." 
"Free Yorkshire Terrier. 8 yeards old. Hateful little dog." 
"German Shepherd 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free." 
"Free ducks. You catch." 
"1 man, 7 woman hot tub -- $850/offer" 
"Amana washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed." 
"Snow blower for sale...only used on snowy days." 
"2 wire mesh butchering gloves: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair: $15" 
"For sale: Lee Majors (6 Million Dollar Man) - $50" 
"Shakespeare's Pizza - Free Chopsticks" 
"Hummels - largest selection ever. 'If it's in stock, we have it!'" 
"Georgia peaches, California grown - 89 cents lb." 
"Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour."
"Vacation Special: have your home exterminated." 
"Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours." 
"Carpal Tunnel Syndrome - Free Sample!" 
"Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast."
"Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it." 
"This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens."
"Wanted. Hunting rifle, suitable for teenagers." 
"Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop." 
"Christmas tag sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person." 
"Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential." 
"Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty."
"Mother's helper -- peasant working conditions." 
"Buy your new bedroom suite from us, and we will stand behind it for six months."
"A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms."
"Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00." 
"Government employer looking for candidates. Criminal background required." 
"His and hers bicycles, $25 each or both for $55." 
"For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers."
"Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too."
"Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory." 
"We'll move you worldwide throughout the country." 
"We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand." 
"Tattoos done while you wait." 
"Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it." 
"Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children." 
"If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachaise Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin."
"Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else."
"Stock up and save. Limit: one." 
"For Rent: 6-room hated apartment." 
"Wanted to buy: fishing net, must have no holes." 
"TO LET: 4 bedroom house close to town. No poets." 
"This house has been fully insulted." 
"Man, honest. Will take anything." 
"Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!" 
"Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink." 
"3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred." 
"Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included."
"Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops." 
"Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again."
"Illiterate? Write today for free help." 
"Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary."
"Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating."
"Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale." 
"And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience."
"We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00."


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## andersonec

Some news for you chippies out there....

Although Jesus was known as a Carpenter he never actually sang on any of the album's.


Sorry, Ill get my coat.


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## mr edd

Got a text from an old mate it read,

I bought a new deodorant stick the other day, the instructions said ''unscrew top and push up bottom'', i haven't walked straight since but my farts smell beautiful...................


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## Phil Pascoe

Robbo3":326wfy5l said:


> The day of the funeral arrived and the music was started ready for the family to walk in to the service.
> Unfortunately the wrong track number was entered into the CD player, and the family found themselves walking in to, "Return to Sender."



My friend's best man got the hymn number wrong for his wedding. The hymn they got was "For Those in Peril on the Sea".


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## Cordy

The Mary Celeste mystery has been solved; 
Michael McIntyre and Miranda were booked as the cabaret......


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## AES

Sorry Cordy, I'm probably out of touch, but I don't get that one at all. Who are John Bishop and Miranda please? (sorry if I've screwed it up) (hammer)


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## Cordy

Quite right AES
Altered to Michael McIntyre........


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## AES

OK, got it (soreeeeeeeeeeeeeee)!


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## celebrex

My dog's just turned up at the pub shaking like a leaf.
He knows if I'm not home in 10 minutes he's getting my dinner.


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## skelph

It was 1066 and King Harold was talking to one of his generals. He asked, "How good are these chaps with spears"
The general got one to throw the spear at a passing deer and he killed it outright.
"Very good but the deer is a big target. What about the crossbow men?"
The general ordered a crossbow man to shoot at a pigeon in the trees. Down it came dead with the crossbow bolt right in the middle.
"Yes OK but the pigeon was sat still and an easy target" "What about the longbow men?"
The general picked out one particular man and waited until they saw rabbits scuttling about. Twang! The arrow fell to the ground under the bowman. He had another go and "perdoing" the bowman had the arrow in his hand and the bow on the floor.
King Harold pulled the general to one side and whispered in his ear "Watch that b*gger, he'll have someone's eye out before the end of the day"


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## skelph

Another one -

A motorcyclist swerved to avoid a fox, lost control and ended up in a ditch with a severely banged head. Dazed and confused he crawled out onto the edge of the road as a shiny sports car pulled up. A very beautiful woman with a low-cut blouse got out and asked him how he was.
'I'm not too sure,' he said looking hard at her stunning breasts.
She replied, 'Get in and I'll take you home and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.'
He said, 'That's very good of you but I don't think my wife would agree to that.' When she said that she was a trained nurse and it wasn't very far, he gave in still muttering that his wife was going to be really upset.
At her place, after a couple of cold lagers and with his head all bandaged up, she unbuttoned her blouse, smiled and said, 'Stay for a while. Your wife won't know anything, and by the way where is she?'
He replied, 'Still in the ditch with my bike.'


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## OscarG

A man in a hospital gown walks into a pub and orders 2 large double whiskies. As the barman hands him his drinks he says "With what I've got, I really shouldn't be drinking these."

Barman asks "Why? what have you got?"

Man replies: "20p"


*Ken Dodd*


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## Robbo3

Retirement Options USA Style

You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where...

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away from your house because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your ass from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

OR

You can retire to California where...

1. You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

OR

You can retire to New York City where...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan ....
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car).
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

OR

You can retire to Minnesota where...

1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup ..
2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.
6. The highest level of criticism is "He is different, she is different or It was different!

OR

You can retire to The Deep South where...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc..
5. Everywhere is either: "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder".

OR

You can retire to Colorado where...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

OR

You can retire to the Nebraska where...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at.

OR

FINALLY, you can retire to Florida where...

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.


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## Robbo3

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now, if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants 
to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks...

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

"The circus?" The duck asks again. With the big tent?" 

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .... .

"What the heck would they want with a plasterer?


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## Cordy

The wife was getting dressed up for a night out with her mates --- walked into the lounge and asked me to rate her.

"8 or 9 at least" I said

"Out of 10?" she smiled... "Thanks, Babe, I'm flattered"

Didn't have the heart to tell her I meant pints.


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## Cordy

The sky burns.

Empty buildings collapse into dust.

No birds sing and no insects move.

Earth's final drops of water evaporate into space.

A man crawls across a shattered plain, and with his last breath whispers


"To comply with GDPR we are updating our privacy policy..."


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## Jonzjob

I've had an email about that :? :? :? :? 

Although what I have to do with the German Democratic Peoples Republic is beyond me #-o #-o


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## ScaredyCat

Q: What do you call a zoo that's only got one animal and it's a dog?
​
​
​
​
​
​
A: Shih Tzu 

​
​
​


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## Cordy

Instead of an open topped bus,

Liverpool will now parade through the city in a horse drawn cart.

The horse has been supplied by Jurgen's brother --- Klippety.


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## skelph

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. 
He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's Clinic. Get your treatment for £500, if not cured, get back £1,000." 
Doctor "Young", who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get £1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's Clinic. 
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me??" 
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth." 
Dr Young: Aaagh!! -- "This is Gasoline!" 
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be £500. 
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money. 
Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!" 
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be £500." 
Dr. Young (after having lost £1,000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. 
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!!!!" 
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, "Here's your £1,000 back." (giving him a £10 Note) 
Dr. Young: "But this is only £10!" 
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be £500." 

Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer" 
Remember: Don't make old people mad.. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off.


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## clanger

Dear Benefits Office Manager

 I would like to present before you the following story.

Many years ago, I married a widow out of love who had an 18-year-old daughter.

After the wedding, my father, a widower, came to visit a number of times, and he fell in love with my step-daughter.

My father eventually married her without my authorization.

As a result, my step-daughter legally became my step-mother and my father my son-in-law.

My father's wife (also my step-daughter) and my step-mother, gave birth to a son who is my grandchild because I am the husband of my step-daughter's mother.

This boy is also my brother, as the son of my father.

As you can see, my wife became a grandmother, because she is the mother of my father's wife.

Therefore, it appears that I am also my wife's grandchild.

A short time after these events, my wife gave birth to a son, who became my father's brother-in-law, the step-son of my father's wife, and my uncle.

My son is also my step-mother's brother, and through my step-mother, my wife has become a grandmother and I have become my own grandfather.

In light of the above mentioned, I would like to know the following:

Does my son, who is also my uncle, my father's son-in-law, and my step-mother's brother fulfil the requirements for receiving childcare benefit

Sincerely yours,


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## Jonzjob

That's a silly question. How on earth van a grown man's uncle be on child benifit? :shock:


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## screwpainting

Podraig is walking past the barn, spots Shamus dressed as a Chippendale gyrating around a large Massey Ferguson
"What the pineapple are yuse up to Shamus" he says
Shamus, red faced and perspiring.
" I has a fierce lust upon me fer that new barmaid, but she doesn't seem to notice me at all.
I went to the doctor to get some advice, and he told me to try doing something sexy to a tractor"


----------



## clanger

The other night I was invited out for a night with the "boys" I told my wife that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the beers went down way too easily. 

Around 3am, a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. 
 
Quickly, realizing my wife would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with her. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !) 
 
The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in. I told her "MIDNIGHT"... she didn't seem pineappled off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! 
 
Then she said "We need a new cuckoo clock.”
 
When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh s**t" Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.


----------



## Cordy

While Jim Apple was having trouble introducing himself in France,

at a hotel in Berlin, his friend Gordon Morgan was having similar problems when he arrived for breakfast


----------



## Jonzjob

très amusant

très drôle


----------



## Bm101

clanger":k538nfct said:


> The other night I was invited out for a night with the "boys" I told my wife that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the beers went down way too easily.


One of the fellas I was drinking with starts looking at his watch as the evening goes on. Oh no! he mutters. I see him but say nowt. A bit later I see him do the same. He looks at his watch and even though he's had a beer with the lads he looks unhappy. His head goes into his hands on the bar and I decide to address it.
Paul, mate, summat up?
Ahhhh god it's just the Mrs he says.
Is she sick I ask.
Noooo, shes a good lass but she hates me having a pint. Doesn't matter what I do its always the same story. 
I dont go out to often he says but when I do she gets grumpy when I get home. 
To make it easier I take me shoes off so I dont make noise on the gravel drive. I carefully use the keys to unlock the door, I get undressed in the dark downstairs without turning any lights on. I tiptoe into the kitchen to get a glass of water then head silently upstairs. I slowly open the door and creep ito the bedroom and there she is with the hump and shes having a go at me for coming home 40 minutes late and telling me Im a useless drunkard, her mother was right and Im a waste of space.
He looks down at the floor and holds his head in his hands. 
I just dont know what to do! I'm at my wits end!
Thats weird Paul I say.
I'm out every night of the week pish out my brains. My Mrs never says a word!
Jeesus he says. 
I know!
How do you manage that? says Paul.

Dunno says I.
Everynight I stumble down the road singing Danny Boy. I get to my house, I stab the key in the lock for about 10 minutes till I can work it. I fall on the hall floor. I get up and turn all the lights on then I go in the kitchen and make a bacon sandwich. Then I roll up the stairs and kick the bedroomdoor open! I turn the lights on and off a few times, pull the duvet off the bed and yell at the Mrs to see if she fancies it!

Christ! says Paul 
Then what happens?

She's fast asleep everytime.


----------



## gregmcateer

Guy arrives at the Pearly Gates and St Peter welcomes him in.
The guy notices a wall full of clocks at different times. When he asks what that's about, St P says each one represents a person's lies. For example, top left is Mother Teresa's - no movement, bang on 12.00.
A few clocks along is Abe Lincoln - 2 seconds gone.
"Where's Donald Trump's?" asks the guy.
"That's in Jesus' office - he's using it as a desk fan"


----------



## Robbo3

Cordy":2g7jymnp said:


> While Jim Apple was having trouble introducing himself in France,
> 
> at a hotel in Berlin, his friend Gordon Morgan was having similar problems when he arrived for breakfast


Took me ages to get them.  
--------------------
Here's an oldie.

Tesco Letter 

Tesco is a UK supermarket

This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer:

Dear Mrs. Murray,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.

Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,"Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him,he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practiced the "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the fetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again."

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."


----------



## Robbo3

Engineers

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

---
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

---
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!."

The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

---
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

---
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

---
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

---
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. 
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

---
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."


----------



## Cordy

I was staying in a hotel last night. I phoned down to reception.

“Hi, this is room 26 Can I have a wake up call , please?”

"Sure" she said “ You’re in your mid 30s, single;

live with your mother and have achieved nothing in life !"


----------



## dzj

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.

I have two female parrots, but they only know to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest asked.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,

Then he thought for a moment.....

'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible...

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,

And your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.' 

'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day,She brought her female parrots to the priest's house....

As he ushered her in,She saw that his two male parrots

Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying...



Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them...

After a few minutes,the female parrots cried out in unison:

Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence...



Then, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said,

'Put the beads away Frank, our prayers have been answered!


----------



## finneyb

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vUsmvo8UNPw

Brian


----------



## Cordy

An Irishman and an Englishman walk into a bakery.

The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves.
He says to the Irishman "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me"

The Irishman replied, That's just simple thievery, I'll show how to do it the honest way and get the same results"

The Irishman then proceeded to re- enter the store and call out the owner and says "Sir, I want to show you a magic trick" 
The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick

The Irishman asked him for a bun and and proceeded to eat it.
He asked two more times and after eating them the owner angrily asks " Okay, so where's the magic trick?"

The Irishman replied
"Look in this Englishman's pockets"


----------



## Phil Pascoe

Jonzjob":31kgab1i said:


> That's a silly question. How on earth van a grown man's uncle be on child benifit? :shock:


My friend's uncle was twenty years younger than him.


----------



## Jonzjob

Along the same line. When my son's father-in-law was alive he was just old enough to my son's grandad's father :shock: And I ain't kidding!


----------



## Cordy

Bob, I'm sorry and riddled with guilt and have to confess.

I have been helping myself to your wife when you are not around - probably more than you.

I know it's no excuse but I don't get it at home. I can't live with the guilt any longer. I hope you accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again


Feeling outraged and betrayed, Bob grabs his gun; goes into the bedroom and without a word shoots his wife.

Moments later gets a second text.

'Really should use spell check..... That should read WiFi'


----------



## Jonzjob

Good luck with the boss NEVER seeing this !!


----------



## Phil Pascoe

I have a friend whose son in law has the same surname - my friend's brother is married to his son in law's sister. Imagine the fun deciding what relation anyone is to whom there. :?  (and my friend, his father, and his son have the same forename.)


----------



## Robbo3

Judy got married and had 13 children. Her first husband Ted died of cancer.

She married again, and with Bob she had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident 12 years later.

Judy again remarried,.... and this time she and John had 5 more children. Judy finally died, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend Margaret: "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

Margaret replied:...."I think he means her legs, Ethel..."


----------



## Cordy

The managing director of Dulux paints has died of hypothermia while trecking across the Antartic. 

Paramedics say he could have done with another coat.


----------



## Bm101




----------



## Robbo3

Only in North America

Only in North America...
can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...

Only in North America...
are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...

Only in North America...
do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...

Only in North America...
do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...

Only in North America...
do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...

Only in North America...
do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...

Only in North America...
do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

Only in North America...
do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well:
"Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"...


----------



## Robbo3

Schnauzer

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the vet, who found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." 
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms." 
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days." 
Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer." 
The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."


----------



## finneyb

Do Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips?

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS........ 
BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.
.
.
.
. 
. 
. 
. 
THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.


----------



## AES

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, that HURT!

But I still laughed. Sad aren't I?


----------



## Bm101

You know. We all like a joke but sometimes it's important to remember that what is funny for us might offend someone else and so I take this small opportunity to remind us all to be wary of offending others with a joke. 
I'm all for a joke generally but learnt to my cost today day how a little sensitivity could help.
I don't want to put a downer on anyone. So, apologies for bringing the mood down but maybe it needs saying in case anyones feelings get hurt and thought I should share.

I was out with some friends this afternoon having a drink. Their other friends were there who I met for the first time. Trying to break the ice I started to tell a joke or two. Most went well and when people laughed maybe I got carried away and let my guard down?
Either way I slipped a joke in that maybe I should have avoided. My fault I got carried away.
The joke was 'What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath?'

'Throw your washing in.'

Well God, anyway this one fella pretty much roars and outright attacks me! I manage to hold him off thank goodness and when everything calms down I get the chance to talk to this guy and I say why so angry?! Jesus! I apologise I'm SO sorry I offended you!  

It turns out his younger brother who tragically died was epileptic and tragically died while fitting in the bath.
I had no idea what to say to be honest. 
What can you really say? It's heartbreaking!
'I'm so sorry' I say.
'Did he drown?'
'No. He chocked on a sock.'


----------



## finneyb

Who said men can only do one thing at a time !!!


----------



## DTR

Bm101":1suffil9 said:


> You know. We all like a joke but........



Pipper's sake Chris, you got me hook line and sinker :lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## Robbo3

Jesus Knows

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 
'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. 

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you ?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'


----------



## whiskywill

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."
The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves.

The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"


----------



## Robbo3

Reformed Parrot

Recently I received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a mean attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, I was fed up and I yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. I shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. So, in desperation, I threw up my hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that I'd hurt the parrot, I quickly opened the freezer door. 

The parrot calmly stepped out onto my outstretched arm and said,
"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."
I was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As I was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued,
"May I ask what the turkey did?"


----------



## Phil Pascoe

There was a report a few weeks ago of a parrot that had gone awol- after a few days it perched on someone's roof long enough for a fireman to get to it, whereupon it told the fireman to f*** off and flew away.


----------



## Bm101

Robbo3":2tmxdimv said:


> Reformed Parrot
> 
> "May I ask what the turkey did?"



=D>


----------



## flying haggis

Man goes to the Doctors as he cant “perform in the bedroom”

Doctor says “ I have this new drug, but it only works three times”

Man says “I will try it”

Doctor gives him the injection and says to the man,” to make it work say Whoo Hoo” so the man does and up it pops! Doc then says “to get it back down say Schh Schh”

Man says Schh Schh and down it flops!

“That it great Doc, Thanks” and the man heads home.

He walks past the station just as a train leaves sounding its horn “Whoo Hoo”

“Oh Hell “ says the man “Schh Schh” and back to normal.

When he gets home he goes straight to the bedroom and strips off. When his wife comes into the room, He says Are you ready for this? Whoo Hoo” and again up it pops!

Wife looks at him and says “schh Schh, you will wake the children!”…………………..


----------



## Robbo3

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said, “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.”
The cat thought for a moment and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors… I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.” God said, “Say no more.” Instantly, the cat had a HUGE fluffy pillow.

A few days later, 12 mice were simultaneously killed in an accident and they all went up to Heaven together. God met the mice at the Gates of Heaven, with the exact same offer that He made to the cat.
The mice said, “Well, we have had to run all of our lives… from cats, dogs, and even from people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller-skates, we would never have to run again.” God answered, “It is done.” All the mice had beautiful little roller-skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat… He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, “Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?”

The cat replied, “Oh, everything is just WONDERFUL… I’ve never been so happy in my life! My pillow is always fluffy and those little “Meals-on-Wheels” that You have been sending over are delicious!!


----------



## Cordy

In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15.

In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95.

In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at £2.50, but you can GET two for £3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is £2.25, or two for £3.25.

They also offer meat and potato pie for £2, or two for £3.

Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for £2.75, or two (any combination) for £4.75.

Those are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.


----------



## AES

Ohhhhhhhhhhh, Cordy (hammer)


----------



## nev




----------



## whiskywill

I was in the gym at the weekend when I spotted a hole in my trainer, just big enough to put my finger in. 
I've now been charged with sexual assault and banned from the gym.


----------



## Robbo3

I said to the wife, "Pass me the newspaper please."

"Don't be silly," she said. "Here, use my iPad."

That spider never knew what hit it.


----------



## AES

Newspaper headline:

A seriously disturbed patient escaped from the mental hospital and found himself at a campsite down by the river where a lovely young woman was rinsing out her dinner utensils. Struck by her appeal he leapt on top of her and did the unmentionable, after which he disappeared into the nearby woods.

The headline in the local paper next day read:



NUT SCREWS WASHER AND BOLTS


----------



## Shaggy

A guy at work showed me a picture of his new girlfriend on his phone, he said "Isn't she beautiful". 
I said "If you think she's beautiful you should see my wife".
He said "Why is she a stunner too?"
I said "No, she's an Optician".


----------



## Cordy

Never date a tennis player. 

Love means nothing to them.


----------



## graduate_owner

Man and very attractive but very naive young woman crossing the desert on a rather tired camel. Eventually the camel keeled over and died.
We are going to die here, said the young woman, and I have never seen a naked man. So after some discussion on the basis of - I will if you will, they both stood there, naked
Looking at this young woman naked, the man inevitably had a strong erection.
" So, is this what you expected?" asked the man 
" Sort of" said the woman " but what is THAT"? she asked, pointing to his erection.
" That is my giver of life, it gives life, depending on where I stick it" said the man, getting his hopes up and thinking if he's going to die, he might as well die happy.

So she said - " well stick it in the bloody camel and let's get out of this desert"


K


----------



## Bm101

Camels is it?

A young fella, tough as nails and hot blooded has joined the French Foreign Legion after some misdemeanour or other. He's a good soldier and likes the life. The military discipline suits him, the camaraderie, the forced marches through parched arid landscapes. 
After a while though in this desert outpost his mind as a young man turn to the fairer sex. He remembers past girlfriends. At night he tosses and turns in the hot desert night.
At last it's too much.
He goes for a quiet embarrassed chat with his Worldly Wise Sergeant.
Sarge Listens. Lets out a huge laugh and says My God lad was that it!?!
We just use the Camel! Any time you fancy it just creep up behind it, jump on, ride it like mad till you're where you need to be. We all do it. It's perfectly normal!
The young soldier looks at the stinking, dirty, hairy camel and thinks.... maybe not, I can't bring myself to that. 

A few more months pass.
He's young and he has needs.
One night he's walking past it on his way back from guard duty. It's late. No one seems to be about.
Sod it.
Whips down his kecks, sneaks up and on he jumps!
He railing away when all of a sudden he hears a gasp of disbelief. 
It's the Sarge.
Dear god lad what the F*** are you doing to Jeremy???
You said use the camel the lad pants..
Yeh... ride it to the local whorehouse 2 miles away over the sand dunes you bleedin' pervert!


----------



## Robbo3

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. Reflexively, he reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies ....

You just happened to catch my eye.


----------



## Cordy

My mate asked me if I remembered the wild parties we had in the 60s & 70s.

Course I do, I've still got the Tupperware....


----------



## OscarG

A weasel walks into a bar. 

The bartender was gobsmacked, "blimey I've never served a weasel before, what would you like?"

"pop," goes the weasel.


.


.


.


sorry! heard this "dad joke" today, thought I'd pass it on.


----------



## Robbo3

Fred mistakenly gets on a bus full of war veterans, but upon discovering it is going his way, decides to stay on for the ride.

He sits down next to a guy that jerks his head to the left every few seconds, over and over. This really starts to get on Fred's nerves so he asks him, "What the heck is wrong with you?"

The reply is, "l got this in the war."

Fred finds this pretty annoying so he switches seats.

The next guy he sits by has uncontrollable spastic twitches in his right leg, causing him to kick the seat in front of him, and even kicks Fred a few times.

So Fred asks him, "What the heck is wrong with you?"

Again the answer is, "l got this in the war."

Fred moves.

The next guy poor Fred sits by begins erratically flailing his left hand. Fred says, "Let me guess, you got that in the war."

His reply was, "No, l got it out of my nose. I can't get it off of my hand."


----------



## Cordy

I'm sure my closest mate is having an affair with my wife.

He's been really miserable lately.


----------



## GrahamF

George Bush arrived in hell yesterday and was a bit put out when told by the devil that he would have to do at least 10 years penance before being eligible to transfer to heaven. You have 3 choices behind these doors:-

Door 1 opens and Reagan is there breaking rocks. No says Bush, I have a bad shoulder.
Door 2 opens and he sees Sadam chucking ice out of a frozen pool. Sorry, I can't swim.
Door3 opens and there's Clinton staked out naked under a blazing sun, with Monica kneeling beside him doing what she's good at. Does he have to put up with that 24/7? asks Bush, yes replied the devil, must be very tedious. OK say Bush, I can put up with that, I'll take it. You sure? OK then off to heaven Monica.


----------



## Robbo3

Nelson at Trafalgar 2011 

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): “ England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledygook is this for God's sake?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting “ England " past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier- free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under- represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case................... Kiss me, Hardy."


----------



## Cordy

Chuckle


----------



## AES

And another chuckle here!


----------



## Shaggy

:lol: :lol: :lol: DAMM!!!
Just spit cola all over the workshop Windows!!! :lol: :lol: :lol: =D>


----------



## ScaredyCat

Last Christmas I put a cake out on the steps, late evening but when I came back in the morning I found it was stollen...

.


----------



## finneyb

* Law of Mechanical Repair - *
After your hands become coated with grease, 
your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to 
pee. 

* Law of Gravity - *
Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, 
will roll to the least accessible place in the 
universe. 

 *Law of Probability - *
The probability of being watched is directly 
proportional to the stupidity of your act. 

* Law of Random Numbers -* 
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a 
busy signal; someone always answers. 

 *Variation Law - *
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one 
you were in will always move faster than the 
one you are in now. 

 *Law of the Bath -* 
When the body is fully immersed in water, 
the telephone will ring. 

 *Law of Close Encounters -* 
The probability of meeting someone you know 
INCREASES dramatically when you are with 
someone you don't want to be seen with.

 *Law of the Result - *
When you try to prove to someone that 
a machine won't work, IT WILL!!! 

 *Law of Biomechanics - *
The severity of the itch is inversely 
proportional to the reach. 

 *Law of the Theatre & Football Stadium - *
At any event, the people whose seats are 
farthest from the aisle, always arrive last. 
They are the ones who will leave their seats 
several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet 
and who leave early before the end of the 
performance or the game is over. The folks 
in the aisle seats come early, never move 
once, have long gangly legs or big bellies 
and stay to the bitter end of the performance. 
The aisle people also are very surly folk. 

 *The Coffee Law - *
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, 
your boss will ask you to do something which 
will last until the coffee is cold. 

 *Murphy's Law of Lockers - *
If there are only 2 people in a locker room, 
they will have adjacent lockers. 

 *Law of Physical Surfaces - *
The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich 
landing face down on a floor are directly 
correlated to the newness and cost of the 
carpet or rug 

 *Law of Logical Argument - *
Anything is possible IF you don't know 
what you are talking about. 

 *Law of Physical Appearance - *
If the clothes fit, they're ugly. 

* The 50-50-90 Law *
Whenever there's a 50-50 chance of getting something right, 
there's a 90% probability that you'll get it wrong. 

* Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - *
As soon as you find a product that you really 
like, they will stop making it OR the store will 
stop selling it! 

 *Doctors' Law - *
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go 
to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel 
better. But don't make an appointment and you'll 
stay sick.


If you don't forward this to your friends, 
your belly button will unscrew - and your bum will fall off. 
Really... It's true. I read it on the Internet. 
☺


----------



## AES

Some good chuckles (and - unfortunately) some real truths here!


----------



## OscarG

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.

She still isn't talking to me.


----------



## finneyb

My wife and I went to the Wisconsin Agricultural State Fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice! a week ! ..........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.'


My condition has been upgraded from critical
to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.


----------



## Robbo3

Important health and safety notice

All employees planning to dash through the snow in a one horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are advised that a Risk Assessment will be required addressing the safety of an open sleigh for members of the public. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night. While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all users of this facility are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks.

The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that, prior to shining his/her glory all around, s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.

Following last years well-publicised case, everyone is advised that Equal Opportunities legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr R Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.

While it is acknowledged that gift bearing is a common practice in various parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded, while caution is advised regarding other common gifts such as aromatic resins that may evoke allergic reactions.

Finally, in the recent instance of the infant found tucked up in a manger without a crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.


----------



## Robbo3

This year Santa had a visit from the Civil Aviation Authority, to check out the airworthiness of the sleigh and reindeer. It did not go well...
The official checked out the sleigh and boarded it for a test flight, Santa piloting. Suddenly he pulled out a 9mm automatic pistol.

"What the hell are you doing?" says Santa.

"I want to see how you handle this craft with one engine out!"


----------



## Robbo3

A Christmas Tree Tradition

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

So, frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. 

He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.


----------



## Robbo3

I got the missus a belt and bag for Christmas
Hope they fit the vacuum cleaner

My wife said she would like something smelly for Christmas.
Hope she likes the Gorgonzola......

She said she would like something sparkly for Christmas.
I think she'll enjoy the Perrier.

"Can you get some bleach and some washing powder whilst you're out?" my wife asked.
"Can you not wait until you've opened your Christmas presents?" I replied.

"Christmas always reminds me of the time of year when my best mate ran off with my missus."
"Oh yeah, sorry mate, it must bring back bad memories."
"Yeah - (sob) - I really miss him."

The wife has been hinting that she wants something black and lacy for Christmas.
I got her a pair of football boots. 

I'm not in the mood for humour right now. I went out today and when I got home all the doors were smashed in and everything was gone.
That's the last time I leave my advent calendar in the same room as my dog.

Rudolf has a red nose so he can guide the way but why does Dasher have a brown nose?
Because he doesn't stop as fast as Rudolf!

Got the wife a new wooden leg for crimbo.
Don't worry it's just a stocking filler.


----------



## Robbo3

21 things you can only get away with saying at Christmas

1. I prefer breasts to legs

2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!

4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!

5. I've never seen a better spread!

6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

7. Are you ready for seconds yet?

8. It's a little dry; do you still want to eat it?

9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

10. Don't play with your meat.

11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.

12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!

14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

15. How long will it take after you put it in?

16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.

18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!

19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning

20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!

21. I do like a good stuffing.


----------



## Cordy

Custard just hit me over the head with a power tool.

There I was; minding my own business, then....

"Bosch"!


----------



## dzj

Two Aussies were out hunting in the outback and came upon a huge hole in the ground. 

They approached it and were amazed at its size.

The first said, "Wow mate, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is." 

The second said, "There's an old gearbox over there. Let's throw it in and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

So, they picked up the heavy gear box, carried it over to the hole, counted one-two-three and heaved it in. 

As they were standing there, looking over the edge of the hole, a goat came crashing through the underbrush, ran up to the hole and, without hesitation, jumped in head first.

While they were standing there staring at each other in amazement, they peered into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about.

Just then an old farmer sauntered up. "G'day, you blokes didn't happen to see my goat?"

The first hunter said, "Funny you should ask. We were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a 160 kph and jumped head first into this hole!" 

The old farmer said, "Nah, that's impossible! I had him chained to a gearbox."


----------



## Cordy

Chortle


----------



## Phil Pascoe

dzj":1fzry33z said:


> Two Aussies were out hunting in the outback and came upon a huge hole in the ground ...


I first heard that one the better part of forty years ago from Jethro.  It was a railway sleeper down a mineshaft then.


----------



## finneyb

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon - I'll let you know.


----------



## Bm101

finneyb":2hh6xcga said:


> I ordered a chicken and egg from Amazon - I'll let you know.


----------



## Cordy

My Granddad always said “as one door closes, another opens”

Lovely man -- terrible cabinet maker.....


----------



## Cordy

A bloke with one arm went in the Barbers
he said 'A shave please'

The barber cut his ear, his chin and both sides of his face

Barber asked 'Have you been in here before?'

The chap replied 'No, I lost my arm in the first world war'


----------



## Cordy

A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.

“Comfy?” asks the dentist.

“Govan” she replies.


----------



## Cordy

Arthur is 85 years old.

He's played golf every day since his retirement 20 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it" he tells his wife "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so
bad. Once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went"

His wife sympathizes.. As they sit down, she has a suggestion: "Why don't
you take my brother with you, and give it one more try"

"That's no good" sighs Arthur "Your brother is ninety two. He can't help"

"He may be ninety two" says the wife "but his eyesight is perfect"

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.

He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law "Did you see the ball ?"

"Of course I did !", says the brother-in-law "I have perfect eyesight"

"Where did it go ?" asks Arthur.

"Can't remember"


----------



## skelph

A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills.

"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?"
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks. And believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night."
You gotta love Grandmas!


----------



## Aquachiefofficer

2 young men decide they're going to make their fortunes in the retail trade.
They rent a shop on the high street and work all day painting it out and fitting in shelving for the merchandise.
By the end of the day they are both exhausted from the unaccustomed hard graft.
Just as they are getting ready to go home the door creaks open and a little old man pops his head through.
"What are you guys selling?" He asks.
One tired young man looks at the old man and sarcastically replies "a*rseholes!"
The old man glances around at the empty shelving and says "must have had a good day- you've only got 2 left" .


----------



## Aquachiefofficer

Just one more- the old ones deserve re-telling,

Engineers VS Philosophers

A group of 6 philosophy students at Oxford University decide to take a trip to London for the day to sample the culture etc.
On arrival at Oxford railway station they notice a group of 6 engineering students from their university ahead of them.
Only one of the engineers buys a ticket and they all proceed to the platform.
The philosophers all buy their tickets and follow the engineers to the platform.
When the train arrives all 6 engineers board the train. Tutting amongst themselves the philosophers smugly assure each other that the unprincipled engineers will be thrown from from the train and face hefty fines.
A short while after the train departs for London the ticket inspector is heard in the carriage ahead of them shouting "Tickets please!" Whereupon all the engineers rise and hurry to the toilet at the rear of the carriage, cram themselves in and lock the door.
The ticket inspector dutifully goes through the carriage punching tickets and when he notices the Engaged sign on the toilet door bangs on it and repeats his demand.
A single ticket slides out from under the door and is promptly punched and slid back with a polite thank you by the inspector.
Once the inspector has gone on to the next carriage all the engineers emerge and resume their seats.
On arrival in London the 2 groups go their separate ways for the day.
The philosophers return to the London station that evening to return to Oxford.
A few seconds later the engineers turn up behind them.
The philosophers having had a discussion during the day about the engineers have to reluctantly admit that the ploy worked and that they should try it themselves on the way home- after all they were impoverished students and their thoughts would guide the nation in future! So they bought only one ticket between them and proceeded to the platform.
The engineers behind them took note of what the philosophers had done and reviewed their options.
5 of the 6 engineers bought tickets and they all followed the philosophers onto the train
Shortly after the train departed for Oxford the ticket inspector was heard in the carriage ahead, upon which all the philosophers ran to the toilet and locked the door.
The engineer without a ticket immediately rose from his seat and banged on the toilet demanding to see a ticket.
Sure enough, a single ticket slid out from under the door, which the engineer immediately pocketed and returned to his seat----- just as the ticket inspector entered the carriage!

Knowledge for its own sake isn't neccesarily bad but practicality is usually better for coping with the real world.


----------



## sammy.se

What do you call a man with no shins?
Tony.



What do you call a kebab flying through the air?
A heli-kofta



How many Germans (sorry!) does it take to change a light bulb?
[German accent] One. Ve are efficient and ve do not have sense of humour [/german accent]

Sent from my Nexus 5X using Tapatalk


----------



## Robbo3

A group of 40-year-old buddies discuss where they should have dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitresses there have low-cut blouses.

Ten years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should have dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

Ten years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should have dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

Ten years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should have dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

Ten years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should have dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they have never been there before.


----------



## dzj

Not a joke 

Client: We need a dozen arch-top windows, about 4m2 each for a listed building. Can you have them painted and fitted in four weeks?
Me: ROFL


----------



## Bm101

Robbo3":28uce5ki said:


> A group of 40-year-old buddies discuss where they should have dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitresses there have low-cut blouses.


I remember realising I was getting older for the first time, some time back, on a stag do at The Griffin on the Clerkenwell road, a pub of a certain persuasion. Think pound coins and pint jars.
'Excuse me love, do mind dancing somewhere else? I can't see the rugby with all that dangling about'
She wasn't pleased. We ended up round the corner at the Wetherspoons with a clearer if not better view.
14 year old me would have stabbed 38 year old me.


----------



## finneyb

'I’m going to a fancy dress party later as a slice of bread, all the birds will love me'

Brian


----------



## Cordy

If anything good comes out of global warming 

it will be that in a few years, Dancing on Ice won't be on the Telly !!


----------



## Robbo3

Rye Bread

Two older guys were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog. The 80-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80-year-old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any Rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He answered, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this dung but me!"


----------



## Cordy

I visited a Faith Healer yesterday --- He was absolutely rubbish. 

Even the bloke in the wheelchair got up and walked out.


----------



## dzj

House proud mouse tidies the tools in garden shed at night

https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_cont ... 7o28wyXhts


----------



## Cordy

Mid-Wife for sale;

Can deliver


----------



## Cordy

Word of advice ....

If you invite Julian Assange around for tea --

Whatever you do

Don’t say “Make yourself at home”


----------



## dzj

https://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/wor ... 0417184766


----------



## Cordy

During my check-up I asked the Doctor
"Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"

He replied "I doubt it somehow -- Mercury is in Uranus right now"

I said "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense"


He replied
"Neither do I --- My thermometer just broke"


----------



## AES

Thanks for that. Nice to get a new joke once in a while - since I've been retired I don't get to hear so many - I MUST get out more!


----------



## Cordy

My wife asked me why I spoke so softly around the house

I said I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!

She laughed
I laughed
Alexa laughed
Siri Laughed


----------



## Quickben

The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. 

I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily, so..around 3 a.m., a bit drunk, I headed for home. 
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. 

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. Even when totally smashed.... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 Cuckoos = MIDNIGHT! Winner winner chicken dinner.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem to suspect I was fibbing in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! 

Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.' 

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh ****.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.


----------



## finneyb




----------



## sammy.se

Did you hear that Oxygen and Magnesium were dating ??

OMG!


----------



## finneyb

Quickie in the Bushes

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude
woman.. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred
years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single
gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a
hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for
thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the
shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing..
The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care
to do it again?' He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes,
let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down
and you s*** on its head.'
----------AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING????


----------



## Dezzy

brilliant


----------



## Dezzy

I only found this site trying to obtain a manual and now I cant stop laughing


----------



## Robbo3

A little boy goes to his father and asks, "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers, "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other.
There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: "You got male!"

--------
The inventor of predictive text died today.
His funfair is on Sundial.

------------
A guy is watching his neighbor running out to the mailbox; she opened and shut it and went back inside. Five minutes later he saw her do the same thing; opened and shut the mailbox and went back inside. This continued for about an hour. Finally he asked her, "What are you doing?" She looked at him and simply stated "My computer said I HAVE MAIL"!!! 

-------


----------



## Robbo3

Email Addresses

Many colleges and businesses tend to strip the last name down to 6 characters and add the first and last initial to either the beginning or end to make up an E-Mail address. For example, Mary L. Ferguson = mlfergus or fergusml. They are just now beginning to realize the problems that may happen when you have a large and diverse pool of people to choose from.

Add to that a large database of company/college Acronyms and you have some very funny addresses. Probably not funny to the individual involved, nonetheless:

Actual E-mail Addresses

1. Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys "R" Us) - [email protected]

2. Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division, Overton Canada) - [email protected]

3. Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) - [email protected]

4. Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) - [email protected]

5. Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home Decorating) - [email protected]

6. Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University) - [email protected]

7. Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania) - [email protected]

8. George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.) - [email protected]

9. Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University) - [email protected]

10. Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) - [email protected]

--
Domain Names

1. IT Scrap - Itscrap.com
2. Who Represents? - Whorepresents.com
3. Pen Island - Penisland.net
4. Experts Exchange - Expertsexchange.com
5. Speed Of Art - Speedofart.com
6. North Of Boston Jewish Singles - Nobjs.org
7. Go Tahoe North - Gotahoenorth.com
8. Les Bocages - Lesbocages.com
9. American Scrap Metal - Americanscrapmetal.com
10. Master Bait Online - Masterbaitonline.com
11. Therapist In a Box - Therapistinabox.com
12. Analemma Society - Analemma.org
13. Therapist Finder - Therapistfinder.com
14. Winters Express - Wintersexpress.com
15. Swiss BitSwissbit.ch
16. Dickson Web - Dicksonweb.com (now redirected to dicksondata.com)
17. Therapist - Therapist.com
18. Budget Cook Island - Budget.co.ck
19. MP3s Hits - Mp3shits.com
20. Kids Exchange - Kidsexchange.net
21. Choose Spain - Choosespain.com
22. Ben Dover - Bendover.com
23. Bitef Art Cafe - Bitefartcafe.rs
24. Powergen Italia - Powergenitalia.com (accessible only via the Wayback Machine)
25. Cumbria Storage Systems - Cumstore.co.uk (accessible only via the Wayback Machine)
26. Teachers Talking - Teacherstalking.org
27. La Drape - Ladrape.com
28. Children’s Wear - Childrenswear.co.uk
29. Mole Station Nursery - Molestationnursery.com (now redirected to molerivernursery.com)
30. Old Man’s Haven - Oldmanshaven.com


----------



## Suffolkboy

That reminds me of the twitter hashtag for Susan Boyle's first album release party. 

#susanalbumparty


----------



## Garno

A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. 
She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf.
Medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf.
And huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, 
She is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
But doesn't mention this to him. 

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 
'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future father of my children?' 
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. 
He responds warmly. 

They continue to kiss, the passion builds. 
And he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom.
Where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, 
More creativity, more heat than she has ever known. 

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 
'Well, how was it?' 
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes,
And says: 'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.'


----------



## Cordy

I was outside my shop selling Lion, the witch, and the wardrobe memorabilia.

A bloke walking by asked me what I was doing.


I told him it's Narnia business.


----------



## Phil Pascoe

That's my wife's nickname, Narnia. She has the hair of a lion, the face of a witch and the body of a wardrobe.


----------



## CHJ

phil.p":2ucpkdjd said:


> That's my wife's nickname, Narnia. She has the hair of a lion, the face of a witch and the body of a wardrobe.


Will she be with you on the 8th. Sept. we could leave a welcome poster for her at the entrance. :twisted:


----------



## Garno

phil.p":2f5w9c1v said:


> That's my wife's nickname, Narnia. She has the hair of a lion, the face of a witch and the body of a wardrobe.



Look likes Phil will be sleeping in his spare room this weekend


----------



## Robbo3

Nelson at Trafalgar 2011 

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): “ England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledygook is this for God's sake?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting “ England " past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier- free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under- represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case................... Kiss me, Hardy."


----------



## Cordy

I've always fancied having a go at Bell Ringing

So I became a Jehovah's Witness.


----------



## Turnr77

A man loses his Penis in an Industrial Accident. He wakes up in the hospital the next day. Upon hearing the news that the organ was unsalvagable the man was devastated.

"Doc, is there nothing you can do?"

The doctor explains that conventional medicine can do nothing for him. However, he adds, there is an experimental treatment. The man quickly assures the doctor that he will try anything. The doctor tells him the operation must coincide with the death of a baby elephant. The doctor explains that the musculature of an infant elephants trunk is very similar to that of a penis and that research shows a transplant may be possible. So the man returns home to await the call that they have a trunk on ice.

Several months pass and the man is miserable. He tells the doctor his confidence is gone, he never goes out, he's missing too much work and drinking too much. The doctor consoles him as best he can until finally the day comes. The man awakes after surgery to see the surgeons smiling face. The operation was a success. After months of difficult physical therapy the man has regained his confidence. To celebrate he asks a woman to accompany him to a fine restaurant. They meet in the bar and all is going well over drinks and small talk. They proceed to their table and the waiter comes to take their order. Before he leaves for the kitchen he places a basket of dinner rolls on the table. Suddenly the man's penis bursts through his zipper, flops onto the table, grabs a dinner roll and disappears back into his trousers. The woman is flabbergasted and says "that was amazing! Can you do it again?

The man replies "probably, but I don't think I can fit another dinner roll up my @rse."


----------



## Turnr77

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm
mad.
He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down and shouts I'M A LIGHTBULB
I'M A LIGHTBULB Murphy watches in amazement.
The Foreman shouts Paddy you're mad, go home so he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
Where the hell are you going? asks the Foreman.
I can't work in the friggin dark says Murphy.


----------



## Turnr77

A man walks into a pub with an octopus and says to the barman "if my octopus can play a musical instrument of your choice can I have a free pint". The barman looks bemused but thinks there is no way an octopus could play an instrument and with that he points to the piano and says go on then. The octopus plays the most complicated piece perfectly and the man with a massive smile asks for his pint.
He says to the barman, "if he can play another instrument of your choice can I have another pint", the barman thinks it was a bit of a fluke and a piano was easy for all those arms so points to a guitar. The octopus picks it up and plays like hendrix and the man gets his pints.
The theme continues and the octopus plays the drums, harp and any instrument put in front of, the man continues to get his pints but the barman is determined not to be beaten. Finally the barman points to some bagpipes and he says go on then. The octopus picks them up and studies them for half an hour but still no noise, the barman declares victory and the man goes to his octopus and asks what the he'll was going on, you've never failed to play anything you've been seen. The octopus gives the man a look and says play with it, I haven't even worked out how you get her knickers off yet!


----------



## finneyb

http://www.indy100.com/article/boris-jo ... eo-9070151

Brian


----------



## treeturner123

Brill Brian


----------



## Robbo3

The inventor of predictive text died today.
His funfair is on Sundial.


----------



## Robbo3

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. 

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building." 

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." 

The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too." 

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. 

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well. 

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." 

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, 

"Don't look at me. He always made his own lunch ."


----------



## Cordy

My mate with a stutter was telling me about his nan.

By the end of it -- we were all singing Hey Jude.


----------



## gregmcateer

Saw this in the guardian. Made me laugh. 

I was recently in a coffee shop when I heard the barista shout: “Cappuccino for Spartacus” (Letters, 9 September). Sadly, only one person stood up, but it made my day.
Margaret Clarke
Clarendon, Victoria, Australia


----------



## Phil Pascoe

Joel Douglas, the less famous son of the actor Kirk, was performing at the Comedy Store and getting increasingly frustrated by the audience reaction. He started shouting: "You can't do this to me, I'm Kirk Douglas's son!" At which point some wag stood up and said: "No, I'm Kirk Douglas's son." Then someone else stood up, and so on.


----------



## Benchwayze

Cordy":1t4hvmur said:



> My mate with a stutter was telling me about his nan.
> 
> By the end of it -- we were all singing Hey Jude.


 
Took me a while! #-o Not a huge Beatles fan. :mrgreen: 

John (hammer)


----------



## finneyb




----------



## sunnybob

Thats scary!
Theres a show JUST for onions? :shock:


----------



## Garno

sunnybob":2lagavxx said:


> Thats scary!
> Theres a show JUST for onions? :shock:



The Newent Onion Show is world famous I will have you know, sponsored by Kleenex …… apparently
A very tearful event 


Ok Ok I made that all up


----------



## CHJ




----------



## CHJ




----------



## Bm101

I went to see a Mexican Magician the other night. Turned out he was a liar. 'I will vanish on the count of Three!' he shouted.
'Uno!'

'Dos!'

Then *POOF* He was gone.
At first I was impressed.
Then I realised he had disappeared without a trace.


----------



## Robbo3

The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for the Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.


The decision to hire them was brought about by report on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 4 seconds without proper equipment, where as Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 6 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.


It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team. However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for!

At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouser pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 4 seconds, but within 10 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the McClaren team for 10 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Carlos Sainz's bird in the shower!!


----------



## Phil Pascoe

The best laugh I had for long time was my son's first email from university - everything is going well excepting that he's sharing a flat with three people who don't know how to do the washing up. :lol:


----------



## sammy.se

Call to action....





Sent from my SM-G973F using Tapatalk


----------



## nev

My grandad always said when one door closes another opens.
Lovely man.

rubbish cabinet-maker.


----------



## Garno

Late last Saturday night, a young chap was walking home from the pub.

It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most

of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only

broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a

dustbin. Suddenly he heard a strange noise ...





BUMP........





BUMP........





BUMP........




Startled, he turned around. To his amazement, through the driving rain

he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.





BUMP........






BUMP........







BUMP........





He froze to the spot. He couldn't believe his eyes. As the box

approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more

clearly. It was a coffin. Not wanting anything to do with this, he put

his head down and started walking briskly home.






BUMP........






BUMP........






BUMP........






The coffin was gaining on him. He started walking faster.........






BUMP.... BUMP.......






BUMP........BUMP......






BUMP........BUMP.......






The coffin was closing with his every step. He started to jog, but he

heard the coffin speed up after him ...






BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...






BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...






BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...






He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .......





BUMP... BUMP.... BUMP... BUMP.....






BUMP.... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP.....





BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP.....





Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was

only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his

keys; his hand trembling, he managed to open the lock. He dived inside,

slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and

slumped into his comfy chair.





Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through

the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin,

allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued

its relentless chase ..






BUMP... SCREECH ... BUMP... SCREECH...






BUMP... SCREECH ... BUMP... SCREECH...






BUMP... SCREECH ... BUMP... SCREECH...





BUMP... SCREECH ... BUMP... SCREECH...





In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could

take him. He bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door ...






BUMP... SCREECH ... HOP... BUMP... SCREECH ... HOP...






BUMP... SCREECH ... HOP... BUMP... SCREECH .... HOP...






BUMP... SCREECH ... HOP.... BUMP... SCREECH ... HOP...



The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and


launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges ...





The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young, terrified lad.






BUMP... SCREECH ... BUMP... SCREECH...






BUMP... SCREECH ... BUMP... SCREECH...






BUMP... SCREECH ... BUMP... SCREECH...




In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet .... 




He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin ... but still it came .......





BUMP... SCREECH ... BUMP... SCREECH...





He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it ... still it came......





BUMP... SCREECH .... BUMP... SCREECH...






He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ... still it came......






BUMP... SCREECH ... BUMP... SCREECH...






He grabbed some Benadryl cough mixture and threw it ....




The coffin stopped. 



Ok I will leave the room now, anyone seen my coat


----------



## Chrispy

No no no no!!!!
#-o


----------



## sammy.se

My wife got angry with me because of my bad sense of direction, so I packed my things and right.

Sent from my SM-G973F using Tapatalk


----------



## Garno

Chrispy":3ii2h818 said:


> No no no no!!!!
> #-o



Bet you didn't expect that ending


----------



## Robbo3

A gynaecologist, tired of his profession and wanting less responsibility decided he had to have a complete change of career. After giving it some thought, he decided that as he was quite serious about keeping his car in good order, then becoming a qualified car mechanic could fit the bill for something he enjoyed and was reasonably good at doing. However he knew that modern engines and systems were very different from his old veteran sports car, so he enrolled in a course at the local technical college. As he had a science-based education he pretty much walked through all the theory parts, and also did well in the practical tests. The final exam however required each student to strip and reassemble a complete modern engine that had a few deliberately introduced problems.

It was with a bit of concern that he started this last test. When he had finished he turned the engine over to the examiners for their final marking.

When the results were announced he was astounded to see that he had been given a final mark of 150%.

He asked his instructor how it was possible to receive such a mark.

“It was simple” said the instructor. “We gave you 50% for identifying the problems and stripping down the engine”.

“We gave you another 50% for flawlessly putting it all back together again”

“However we felt we just had to give you another 50% for your astounding ability to do all this through the exhaust pipe!”


----------



## Garno

I was sitting at the computer the other day, 
Drafting my will, and I called out to my wife,

WHEN I DIE, 
I'M GOING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING TO YOU,
MY LOVE!"

She shouted back,

"YOU ALREADY DO, YOU LAZY B**TARD!"


----------



## Garno

FAKE NEWS???


A little girl was leaning into a lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, all under the eyes of her screaming parents.

A biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I've seen a man do in my whole life."

The Harley rider replies, "Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right."

The reporter says, "Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living, and what political affiliation do you have?"

The biker replies "I'm a U.S. Marine, a Republican and I voted for Trump".

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

** U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT & STEALS HIS LUNCH. **

And THAT pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.


----------



## Trevanion

Asked someone for a price on a couple of sheets of plywood today...

"How much would two sheets of plywood cost?"

"More than one, less than three"

....

:roll:


----------



## Cheshirechappie

Trevanion":fwqpbb4v said:


> Asked someone for a price on a couple of sheets of plywood today...
> 
> "How much would two sheets of plywood cost?"
> 
> "More than one, less than three"
> 
> ....
> 
> :roll:



Where you talking to a politician by any chance?

That's a perfect politician's answer. Completely accurate, but tells you absolutely nothing you didn't already know.


----------



## John Brown

Politician? Completely accurate?
What parallel universe do you hail from?


----------



## Cheshirechappie

I said it was a "perfect polician's answer*", not a "run of the mill politician's answer".

* For the avoidance of doubt, the word 'perfect' applies to the answer, not the politician. The other way round would indeed be a silly concept.


----------



## Mr_Pea

A lot of people talking about Megxit but no mention of Harryverderci


----------



## whiskywill

Paddy (the Welsh one) was in the shower when Murphy called out 'Paddy did you find the shampoo? 
Paddy replied 'Yes, but it's no good to me. It's for dry hair and I've just wet mine.'


----------



## sammy.se

Wooden motorbike






Sent from my SM-G973F using Tapatalk


----------



## Raymond UK

To the person who stole my glasses. I will find you. I have contacts.


----------



## Cheshirechappie

I was joining a dual carriageway from the slip road recently at night, and the cat's eyes at the junction caught my attention. A bit of googling later, and I found this on Wikipedia;

"The inventor of cat's eyes was Percy Shaw of Boothtown, Halifax, West Yorkshire, England. When the tram-lines were removed in the nearby suburb of Ambler Thorn, he realised that he had been using the polished strips of steel to navigate at night. The name "cat's eye" comes from Shaw's inspiration for the device: the eyeshine reflecting from the eyes of a cat. In 1934, he patented his invention (patents Nos. 436,290 and 457,536), and on 15 March 1935, founded Reflecting Roadstuds Limited in Halifax to manufacture the items. The name Catseye is their trademark."

It occurred to me that it was a good job the cat was facing Mr Shaw when inspiration struck. Had it been walking away he might well have invented the pencil sharpener instead.


----------



## nev

To whoever stole my anti-depressants, I hope you're happy now!


----------



## John15

A guy takes his mother-in-law to Madame Tusauds. They are in the chamber of horrors when the manager comes up and says to the guy 'keep her moving please, we're stocktaking'.

John


----------



## John Brown

Cheshirechappie":2cbw03x8 said:


> I was joining a dual carriageway from the slip road recently at night, and the cat's eyes at the junction caught my attention. A bit of googling later, and I found this on Wikipedia;
> 
> "The inventor of cat's eyes was Percy Shaw of Boothtown, Halifax, West Yorkshire, England. When the tram-lines were removed in the nearby suburb of Ambler Thorn, he realised that he had been using the polished strips of steel to navigate at night. The name "cat's eye" comes from Shaw's inspiration for the device: the eyeshine reflecting from the eyes of a cat. In 1934, he patented his invention (patents Nos. 436,290 and 457,536), and on 15 March 1935, founded Reflecting Roadstuds Limited in Halifax to manufacture the items. The name Catseye is their trademark."
> 
> It occurred to me that it was a good job the cat was facing Mr Shaw when inspiration struck. Had it been walking away he might well have invented the pencil sharpener instead.


Originally, I believe, said by the late, great Humph on ISIHAC.


----------



## Cheshirechappie

John Brown":2302bj1x said:


> Originally, I believe, said by the late, great Humph on ISIHAC.



Nope. Sir Ken Dodd. Well, that's who I heard it from, anyway.


----------



## John Brown

You may well be right. I first heard it from Humph, but I'm aware that he didn't write all his own jokes.


----------



## treeturner123

I think the Diddy Men wrote most of them!!!!


----------



## Cordy

Never do a runner from an Ethiopian restaurant......


----------



## Cordy

Friend; What you doing for work these days ?

Me; I cook meals for the homeless, drug addicts, people with addictions to gambling and alcohol. That sort of thing.

Friend; So, charity work ?

Me; No Wetherspoons....


----------



## Raymond UK

I asked the wife "How come this loaf of bread has your name on it?" She said "Where?" I pointed "There! Ooops, sorry, my mistake. It says Thick CUT".

:shock:


----------



## ScaredyCat

I've just got rid of my dust collection from my workshop...







... it was just sat in the corner, collecting dust
.


----------



## gwaithcoed

Sprinkled some Viagra dust in my wife's tea. The look on her face when she dipped her biscuit in was a joy to behold


----------



## Cordy

I'm fat, but I identify as slim.

I'm translender.


----------



## Phil Pascoe

At a pub quiz one night a friend said "I think I must be anorexic. Why? I asked (she wasn't exactly sylph like). "Because every time I look in a mirror a fat woman looks back at me".


----------



## Robbo3

Managerium

The heaviest element known to science is Managerium.

This element has no protons or electrons, but has a nucleus made up of 1 neutron, 2 vice-neutrons, 5 junior vice-neutrons, 25 assistant vice-neutrons, and 125 junior assistant vice-neutrons all going round in circles.

Managerium has a half-life of three years, at which time it does not decay but institutes a series of reviews leading to reorganization.

Its molecules are held together by means of the exchange of tiny particles known as morons.


----------



## AES

I've been on the receiving end of that "stuff", more than once Robbo!


----------



## Robbo3

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go." 

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. 

"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered. 

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. 

The man quickly answered. "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."


----------



## Bm101

Tickled me.


----------



## flying haggis

An elderly, but hardy cattle farmer from Devon once told a young female neighbour that if she wanted to live a long life the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her breakfast each morning.

She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.


----------



## nev

I can't believe how rude the suppositories helpline is!


----------



## Cordy

A priest, a rabbit and a vicar walk into a doctor's surgery to give blood

The doctor asks "What blood type are you"

The rabbit says "I might be a type O"


----------



## Robbo3

Defective Parrot

A fellow is browsing in a pet store, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn’t have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.' 

'Holy cow,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!' 

'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and thoroughly educated bird' 

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks. 'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?' 

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it, because of my feathers.' 

'Wow,' says the guy. You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you?' 

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. 

I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!' The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational! He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted. 
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssst' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.' 

'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy. 

'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.' 

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 

'THEN what happened?' 

'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?' 

'Yes.'

'Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.' 
Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?' 

'I DUNNO. I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!'


----------



## BHwoodworking

the british standard mesurement of excess is a foo king


----------



## Trainee neophyte

BHwoodworking":2ze3r0rp said:


> the british standard mesurement of excess is a foo king



Interesting. I have a dog called Patch, because he looked like a Jack Russel when we got him, and he has a patch over one eye. He now weighs over 40kg, so he's a little bit bigger than a Jack Russell. His name now depends on what he's doing - Damp Patch, Wet Patch, Purple Patch (only once after an incident with some paint), but mostly he is known as King Patch, or should I say "...'king Patch! No! Put the neighbour down! Foo King dog! No!"

I never realised it was a measurement, too.


----------



## Nelsun

"For a more memorable bathroom experience"  

[youtube]vRlBtabKRFM[/youtube]


----------



## Woody2Shoes

I hear that in Germany there's a lot of panic buying of sausages and cheese - probably the wurst käse scenario?


----------



## MikeG.

Woody2Shoes":3qxuppsg said:


> I hear that in Germany there's a lot of panic buying of sausages and cheese - probably the wurst käse scenario?



=D> :lol: NO!!!!!!


----------



## AES

OHHHHHHH Woody .............. ! HOW could you do that to us??????????

BTW, I'm not sure what it's called in Germany, but in Switzerland it's called "Hamster Buying" (true, promise).

But I should add that I really DO like 'orrible puns like that one. Were you also a fan of BBC radio shows like "Round the Horne" and "Beyond our Ken" back in the '60s & 70s?


----------



## whiskywill

AES":1ezab9pk said:


> Were you also a fan of BBC radio shows like "Round the Horne" and "Beyond our Ken" back in the '60s & 70s?



I listened to Round the Horne just yesterday morning on BBC Radio 4 Extra. It's on every Tuesday morning at 8.30 at the moment. They don't make them like that any more.

p.s. All episodes are available on BBC Sounds.


----------



## AES

Thanks for that whiskeywill.

Unfortunately I can only get R4Extra online - not always the most convenient way to listen. I'm not sure about BBC Sounds, I'll check it out, cheers.


----------



## flying haggis

Just been in Asda. 

Saw a bloke whose trolley was full to the brim with toilet rolls, hand sanitizers, baby wipes, soaps, everything that people need!!
I called him a selfish .. 
Gave him a low down about the elderly and mums etc who need these types of things.
Told him he should be ashamed of himself!



He said: “that’s all well and good mate but I work here, can I carry on filling the shelves now?


----------



## ScaredyCat

What's the difference between COVID-19 and Romeo & Juliet? 

One is a coronavirus, and the other is a Verona crisis!

.


----------



## Robbo3

Contemporary Philosophers

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
John Glenn

When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.
Desmond Tutu

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
David Letterman

I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit, I'm a billionaire.
Howard Hughes

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
Italian proverb

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
Betsy Salkind

The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
Jean Kerr

I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
Jeff Foxworthy

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
Prince Philip

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
Emo Philips.

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
Harrison Ford

The best cure for sea sickness is to sit under a tree.
Spike Milligan

Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
Robin Hall

Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
Jean Rostand.

Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
Arnold Schwarzenegger.

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
WH Auden

In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
Jonathan Katz

If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the
impersonators would be dead.
Johnny Carson

I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.
Warren Tantum

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
Steve Martin

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
Jimmy Durante

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
Doug Hamwell

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
George Roberts

If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
Jonathan Winters


----------



## Cordy

The amount of jokes about Coronavirus virus has reached worrying numbers.

Scientists claim we are in the middle of a pundemic


----------



## Geoff_S

This thread should be a sticky. =D>


----------



## Cordy

If you receive an email or WhatsApp with the subject

"Ding Dong"

don't open it. 
They're Jehovah's Witnesses working from home.


----------



## Cheshirechappie

Seen elsewhere;

"Single man with toilet roll would like to meet single girl with hand sanitiser for good clean fun."


----------



## gwaithcoed

My wife and I are self irritating already


----------



## ajcr27

You thought dogs were hard to train?


Look at all the humans that can't sit and stay!


----------



## Cordy




----------



## Nelsun

Three [million] cheers for teachers!


----------



## Cordy

What if mobiles are part of an elaborate plot -- to rid the world of phone booths so Superman has nowhere to change?


----------



## Trainee neophyte

Two fish in a tank.

One says to the other:



"Can you drive this thing?"


----------



## Geoff_S

Trainee neophyte":ta3zns5m said:


> Two fish in a tank.
> 
> One says to the other:
> 
> 
> 
> "Can you drive this thing?"



Stupid joke.  My favourites!


----------



## Blockplane

https://www.cl.cam.ac.uk/~jac22/The_Lad ... VID-19.pdf


----------



## gregmcateer

My missus asked if I wanted dinner. 
'What are the options?', I asked innocently. 
'Yes or f**king no' she replied


----------



## Cordy

When shopping in Harrods.....

ensure people stay at least two meters away from you -- by holding a Lidl carrier bag.


----------



## Shaggy

Prince Charles is self isolating at Balmoral with Covid 19.
Prince Andrew is self isolating at Windsor with Jennifer 14.


----------



## Sonny184

Shaggy":2mxtyobg said:


> Prince Charles is self isolating at Balmoral with Covid 19.
> Prince Andrew is self isolating at Windsor with Jennifer 14.


haha

Why are Chinese so bad at cricket? 
Because they keep eating the bats!


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## AES

A bit over-long I felt (5 mins +) but someone's been busy in lockdown at home:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MMBh-eo3tvE


----------



## Droogs

There's an answer to that showing her being arrested with the copper saying "The hills are closed" doing the rounds on the missus facebook stuff


----------



## flying haggis

another S.O.M based one

https://youtu.be/1aAnPFeo11s


----------



## flying haggis

another couple of covid parodies

https://youtu.be/XikW-8AiV5E

and my favourite

https://youtu.be/lr_tEdQvFcc

there are some clever people out there, thankfully.


----------



## Robbo3

Sixty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. 
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. 
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. 
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. 
The Army has been looking for Herman for 61 years.


----------



## gwaithcoed

It's soooooo quiet in our village since the lockdown. 
I was in the workshop today when I had the wind    and a woman from two streets away said " Pardon you "


----------



## Garno

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very,
very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"


----------



## sammy.se

The Sun newspaper is really struggling to continue in circulation. It costs less than a cup of coffee, so could I please ask everybody to do their bit to help journalism in the UK. 

And buy that coffee.

Sent from my SM-G973F using Tapatalk


----------



## Cordy

I had some bad news yesterday. My old friend Gavin died.

Choked to death on an indigestion tablet.
It's hard to believe that Gavisgone...


----------



## thetyreman

here's my favourite corona song so far https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uo7HB-slsm4&t=70s


----------



## Robbo3

Sunburn

A guy visiting in Hawaii fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, "What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?"

The doctor replied, "It won't do anything for his condition, but it will keep the sheets off his legs."


----------



## Cordy

Donald Trump says to Mike Pence "The less immigrants we allow in, the better"

Pence says "The fewer"

Trump says "I told you not to call me that yet."


----------



## flying haggis

I heard the guy who invented the USB port was buried this weekend. 

It was a small serene service, his coffin was lowered gently into the ground.


Then taken back out again , turned the right way around and put back in again.....


----------



## Cordy

Two scientists walk into a bar. 
The first says "I'll have a glass of H20" 

the second says "I'll have a glass of H2O too"

The second scientist died.


----------



## Phil Pascoe

The guy who invented predictive text died last month - I went to his funfair last wedding.


----------



## Nelsun




----------



## Bm101

Phil Pascoe":3k0s8w6y said:


> The guy who invented predictive text died last month - I went to his funfair last wedding.


I like the fact that you had to edit this.


----------



## Phil Pascoe

I mis typed "last".


----------



## steve1001

The missus said to me today "Look, if you are that bored, why don't you do a model?"

Believe me, it's hard getting a model to come round during lockdown.


----------



## Robbo3

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.


"I should be in charge," said the brain,
"Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood,
"Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach,
"Because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs,
"Because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes,
"Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum,
"Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days,

the brain had a terrible headache
the stomach was bloated
the legs got wobbly
the eyes got watery
and the blood was toxic.

They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.


The Moral of the story?

Even though the others do all the work - The ass-hole is usually in charge.


----------



## Cordy

Ring ring --Ring ring

"Hello, Jeremy Corbyn"

"Jeremy, it's me, Diane Abbott -- I'm in Scotland -- Where is Loch Down ?"


----------



## Droogs

A priest, a rabbit and an imam walk into a blood bank. The rabbit turns round and says " I think I'm a typo"


----------



## gwaithcoed

Bought my wife the latest face mask. told her she had to wear it throughout the lock down as ordered by HMG. She said "I'm not wearing that it looks like a gag" Damm I didn't think she'd notice.


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Robbo3

I said to the wife, "Pass me the newspaper please."
"Don't be silly," she said. "Here, use my iPad."
That spider never knew what hit it.


----------



## woodhutt

Two Aussies decide to break lock-down and go for a walk. They haven't gone a couple of k's when one of them collapses and his mate rings the emergency services.
Dispatcher: "Where are you, sir?"
Aussie: "We're in Eucalyptus Street."
D: "Sorry sir, this is a bad line. Could you spell that for me, please?"
A: "Crikey! Hang on a mo..."
Dispatcher hears lots of puffing and panting then finally...
Aussie: "You there? Sorry about that. I've just dragged him round the corner into Oak Street."


----------



## woodhutt

Scene: The billiard room in the Officer's Mess of a remote African station in the days of Empire. The Colonel is playing billiards with his aide-de-camp.

ADC: "Have you heard about young Farquaharson?"

Col. (eyeing up a pot) "Farquaharson? Farquaharson? Ah! You mean young Freddie Farquaharson of the Fighting Forty Fourth?"

ADC: "That's the chap."

Col. "What about him?" 

ADC: "Apparently he's gorn native."

Col. "Young Farquaharson! Gorn native! What do you mean?"

ADC: "Rumour has it he's living in the jungle, naked up a tree with a gorilla."

Col. "Good grief! Young Farquaharson naked up a tree with a gorilla! Is it... is it a male or a female gorilla."

ADC: "Oh female. There's nothing odd about young Farquaharson."

Pete :shock:


----------



## lurker

A lorry crashed on the motorway carrying a load of Vicks vaporub.
Apparently there was no congestion for eight hours


----------



## woodhutt

A bloke walks into a pub and orders a pint and a chicken sandwich.
The barman, who is dressed in a pristine white coat, pulls on a pair of rubber gloves, takes a sparkling glass off the rack and pours the pint. Then he goes to the sandwich servery and unwraps a new plate from a cellophane wrapper and picking up a pair of st. steel tongs, places the sandwich on the plate and puts it on the counter before removing the gloves.
The bloke is amazed. "I'm amazed!" he said (See? I told you he was amazed).
The barman explains that the manager is a hygiene fanatic. 
"That must make it difficult for you, "says the customer. "You know - if you need to take a leak for instance."
"Not at all," says the barman and points to a piece of string hanging out of his top pocket. "See this string? It's attached to my fly zip. All I do is tug on this and down goes the zip. A quick wriggle of the hips and out he pops. No need to touch him."
"Hang on," says the customer. "How do you get him back in?"
"Well," says the barman. "See these st. steel tongs...?" 
Pete


----------



## Bm101

I suffered a horrific attack by vampire the other night. And. To make things worse he was French. 
In the end I resorted to defending myself by grabbing a stale baguette from the counter and managed to pierce his heart.
It sounds easy enough but was actually painstaking.


----------



## AES

Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! (Lovely one)


----------



## Cordy

If you're planning to split up with your missus....

make sure her bags are packed and the taxi is booked for 8pm on a Thursday 

so it looks like the whole street is glad to see the back of her!


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Trainee neophyte




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## gwaithcoed

Or maybe the day after. Love it     
Alan


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Droogs

That is the funniest thing I've read in a very long time. Thinking of my visit to the Ufizi will never be the same


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Garno

Press conference pre 1945.

C4 News: - "Mr Churchill, why won't you surrender to Hitler, lives could be saved".

Daily Mirror:- "Why are you so anti Nazis Prime Minister? Is your party Naziphobic Prime Minister"?

Laura Kuensberg:- Why didn't you stockpile one million tanks Prime Minister"?

Guardian:- "Do you now accept if you'd built an extra two million spitfires the war would be easier to win Prime Minister"?

BBC News:- "The planes flying at night are impacting on peoples ability to sleep. Will you apologise to those affected Prime Minister"?


----------



## Woodchips2

A group of scientists in Canada dug down 10 feet and found a network of copper cables that were 150 years old. They concluded that Canada had the first telephone system in the world.

When the USA heard of this they dug down 20 feet and found a network of cables that were 200 years old. They concluded the USA not Canada had the first telephone system in the world.

When Wales heard of this a group of ex-miners dug down 30 feet and found nothing. They concluded Wales had the first wi-fi system in the world.

Regards Keith


----------



## lurker

If WW2 had broken out today.......


Can I have more clarity on the “Your country needs you” slogan, it’s too ambiguous
Why aren’t you doing enough to prevent these air raids?
Does the siren apply to everyone?
There are only male and female toilets in the air raid shelter and I don’t identify as either.
This respirator haversack has a leather strap and I’m a vegan.
Why cant I have almond milk on my ration card
I find the term “black out” offensive.
I find the lack of colour options within military uniforms oppressive.
Why didn’t we have stock piles of spitfires at the start of this conflict?


----------



## Geoff_S

"Does the siren apply to everyone?"    

That tickled me!


----------



## BHwoodworking

the siren only applies if you enjoy life :roll: which i do


----------



## Cordy

Q; What have Boris Johnson and Tammy Wynette both got in common ??


A; They both stand by their man


----------



## Woody2Shoes

Geoff_S":1t0dbm4r said:


> "Does the siren apply to everyone?"
> 
> That tickled me!


Answer - not if you're a spad...


----------



## Cordy

"Darling...fancy putting on a nurses uniform"?

"Ooh, cheeky boy...you feeling randy"?

"Nah...we've run out of bread"


----------



## AES

Blind miracle:


----------



## flying haggis

We've just had a decorator in to do some work.

I got chatting to him and it turns out that he's a British Airways pilot who has been furloughed and earning a bit of extra cash.



He made a lovely job of the landing.


----------



## Raymond UK




----------



## Garno

The old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw £500.”
The female teller told her, “For withdrawals less than £5,000, please use the ATM.”
The old lady then asked, “Why?”
The teller irritably told her, “These are rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a queue behind you.”
She then returned the card to the old lady.
The old lady remained silent… but then she returned the card to the teller and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.”
The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and said to the old lady, “My apologies Granny, you have £3.5 million in your account and our bank does not have so much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?”
The old lady then asked, “How much am I able to withdraw now?”
The teller told her, “Any amount up to £300,000”
The old lady then told the teller that she wanted to withdraw £300,000 from her account.
The teller did so quickly and handed it to the old lady respectfully.
The old lady kept £500 in her bag and asked the teller to deposit the balance of £299,500 back into her account.
Don't be difficult with old people... we can outwit the young and dumb.


----------



## Phil Pascoe

Back in the mid '70s I banked about £6000 in notes. The teller saw the loose notes and said next week can you tell your office staff to do their jobs properly and bundle them up? The were no loose notes that added up to a round figure to bundle. The next week I banked about £8000 ...... and tore the bands of every bundle before I tipped them out. He never made the request again. Curious, that.


----------



## Garno

Phil Pascoe":19uxwgte said:


> Back in the mid '70s I banked about £6000 in notes. The teller saw the loose notes and said next week can you tell your office staff to do their jobs properly and bundle them up? The were no loose notes that added up to a round figure to bundle. The next week I banked about £8000 ...... and tore the bands of every bundle before I tipped them out. He never made the request again. Curious, that.



I like it when things like that happen :twisted:


----------



## Garno




----------



## flying haggis

Police arrested a hairdresser in our village yesterday, he was dealing drugs and running an escort service.

Just goes to show how little you really know people...



I've been a customer of his for seven years and I never knew he was a hairdresser !


----------



## Cordy

If anybody wants a copy of Osteopath Weekly, I have back issues.


----------



## Cordy

Asked the wife "How do I turn Alexa off?"

She replied "Walk around the room in your socks and underpants -- It works for me...."


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## sammy.se

Stolen from a different place forum (and most likely stolen from somewhere before that):

TOOLS EXPLAINED

DRILL PRESS : A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL : Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh*t'
ANGLE GRINDER : A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS : Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER : An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW : One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
MOLE-GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH : Used almost entirely for setting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..
TABLE SAW : A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK : Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW : A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST : A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER : Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER : A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR : A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50p part.
HOSE CUTTER : A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
STANLEY KNIFE : Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
ADJUSTABLE SPANNER: aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench". Commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers. Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted knuckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.
turnip TOOL : Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'turnip' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Any more to add?
My one would be:

TROWEL: the thing you use while plastering to turn a 90% good smooth surface into an 80% good surface, through constantly reworking to get it better, and then making it worse by 10% each time before giving up and deciding to use filler and sandpaper tomorrow.

Sent from my SM-G973F using Tapatalk


----------



## Fidget

If you have to wear a mask and you wear glasses you may be entitled to condensation


----------



## Robbo3

The following are regrettably phrased classified ads that have been placed in newspapers throughout the world.


"Buy your new bedroom suite from us, and we will stand behind it for six months."
"Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel." 
"2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess."
"Washing machine: free to good home." 
"No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent."
"Great Dames for sale." 
"Lost Cocktail." 
"Free Yorkshire Terrier. 8 yeards old. Hateful little dog." 
"German Shepherd 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free." 
"Free ducks. You catch." 
"1 man, 7 woman hot tub -- $850/offer" 
"Amana washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed." 
"Snow blower for sale...only used on snowy days." 
"2 wire mesh butchering gloves: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair: $15" 
"For sale: Lee Majors (6 Million Dollar Man) - $50" 
"Shakespeare's Pizza - Free Chopsticks" 
"Hummels - largest selection ever. 'If it's in stock, we have it!'" 
"Georgia peaches, California grown - 89 cents lb." 
"Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour."
"Vacation Special: have your home exterminated." 
"Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours." 
"Carpal Tunnel Syndrome - Free Sample!" 
"Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast."
"Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it." 
"This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens."
"Wanted. Hunting rifle, suitable for teenagers." 
"Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop." 
"Christmas tag sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person." 
"Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential." 
"Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty."
"Mother's helper -- peasant working conditions." 
"A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms."
"Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00." 
"Government employer looking for candidates. Criminal background required." 
"His and hers bicycles, $25 each or both for $55." 
"For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers."
"Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too."
"Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory." 
"We'll move you worldwide throughout the country." 
"We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand." 
"Tattoos done while you wait." 
"Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it." 
"Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children." 
"If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachaise Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin."
"Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else."
"Stock up and save. Limit: one." 
"For Rent: 6-room hated apartment." 
"Wanted to buy: fishing net, must have no holes." 
"TO LET: 4 bedroom house close to town. No poets." 
"This house has been fully insulted." 
"Man, honest. Will take anything." 
"Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!" 
"Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink." 
"3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred." 
"Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included."
"Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops." 
"Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again."
"Illiterate? Write today for free help." 
"Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary."
"Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating."
"Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale." 
"And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience."
"We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00."


----------



## AES

At their regular morning meeting in the White House the other day, one of Trump's senior staff tells that he'd had a wonderful dream the previous night.

"Oh yeah?" says Trump, "Tell us about it."

"Well Mr. President" says staffer, "there was this HUGE parade all the way through Washington. It was brilliant, just great, the happiest event ever. There were thousands and thousands of men, women and children all lining the route just waiting to see you pass by - no, correction, it wasn't just thousands, it must have been millions even!"

"And it was so joyful, with everybody smiling and laughing and waving, the best marching show bands ever, so much happiness, and with ticker tape coming down all over, confetti, and balloons just everywhere. It was just great Mr. President, quite the best celebration that's ever been seen in Washington - ever!"

"Yeah?" says Donald. "Tell me, how did I look? How was my tan? And was my hair properly waved?

"Ah that I can't say Sir, sorry", said the dreamer. 




"You see, your casket was sealed."


----------



## Robbo3

Dr. Smith's Prescriptions

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr Smith about enlarging her breasts Dr Smith advised her,
'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!' 

She did this faithfully for several months! 

To her utter amazement she grew terrific D-cup boobs! 

One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. 
Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood up in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said, 'Scooby doobie, doobies, I want bigger boobies.' 

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked, 'Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. Smith’s? 

'Yes I am... How did you know?' 

He winked and replied, " Hickory dickory dock "


----------



## AES

At the Gates of Heaven

The day came when all three former US Presidents - George W. Bush, Barrak Obama, and Donald Trump died.

Being somewhat "special" people, God arranged with St. Peter that instead of the normal St. Peter's greetings and questions at the Pearly Gates, God would handle it all himself, sitting at the gates complete with Throne.

The called day came and all three presented themselves in front of God.

"Tell me young George" asks God. "What do you believe in?"

"Well Sir, I believe that world peace should be achieved through completely free trade everywhere - a truly level playing field for all." answers George W.

"Very good" says God. "We need plenty of that up here. Come and stand on my left hand side.


Next God asks "And what about you Barrak? What do you believe in?"

"Sir" answers Obama "I believe that world peace must be achieved through completely eliminating poverty, so that regardless of colour or creed, everyone in the world has enough to eat and can have free medical care."

"Great" says God. "We need all that up here too. Come and stand on my right hand side."


"Now. What about you Donald?" asks God. "What do you believe?"

Without a pause Trump answers ............




......... "I believe you're sitting in my throne. Your fired!"


----------



## flying haggis

Greeks -vs- Italians
A Greek and an Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture.
The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon."

The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek says, "We had great mathematicians."

The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on for hours, until finally the Greek lights up and says...

"We invented sex."

The Italian nods slowly and thinks, then replies, "That is true -- but it was Italians who introduced it to women."


----------



## Trainee neophyte

flying haggis":1cii4e4o said:


> Greeks -vs- Italians
> A Greek and an Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture.
> The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon."
> 
> The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum."
> 
> The Greek says, "We had great mathematicians."
> 
> The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire."
> 
> And so on and so on for hours, until finally the Greek lights up and says...
> 
> "We invented sex."
> 
> The Italian nods slowly and thinks, then replies, "That is true -- but it was Italians who introduced it to women."



I have tried telling this joke to all my Greek neighbours, but for some reason they don't find it funny. I don't know why not.


----------



## Hollow

Today i was mugged by six dwarves. Not happy.


----------



## flying haggis

are you grumpy?


----------



## Trainee neophyte

flying haggis":1ytva4uo said:


> are you grumpy?



Hopefully not Sneezy.


----------



## Hollow

At least doc is around


----------



## Bm101

Some years back I was sat in my local. The Shortlands Tavern. Not much cop as a local in general but it had a great crowd. I'm still in touch occasionaly with many now. Years later.
Anyway.
It's winterish. Afternoon. Two dwarfs walk in. No. Really. Ok. About ten minutes later 3 more. My mate Aiden the chippy: Hello. All we need now is two more and F*******g SnowWhite! (Arf)
As he he says it.Literally! As he says it. And I'm not making this up I absolutely promise. Two more dwarfs turn up with a cracking looking 21ish year old woman of normal height.

Now
They sat in groups not altogether. 
We get talking and they are doing the panto at Churchill Gardens (the local theatre) just up the hill.
I'm not even making this up.

Me and my mate Aiden the kitchen fitter ended up getting afternoon plastered with Snowwhite and the seven dwarves.

Sorry. Not a joke as such but we had a great afternoon. And a possibly messy evening. Time fades the details but I would have rolled home.
Luckily it was 6 doors away. 8)


----------



## Just4Fun

I also have a "true dwarf story". I was at a hotel restaurant for lunch and just about every other customer was a dwarf. Amazing number of them. I commented on it to one of the staff and she explained that it was some sort of conference or convention which they hold at that hotel every year. I said something like "good business for you then". and she said it was great but they always ran out of high chairs :lol: . I am still not sure if she was joking.


----------



## Turnr77

A school for blind children is returning by coach from a day trip to the beach with two male teachers.
As they near the journey end one teacher asks the other, "were earlier getting back than we expected, theres a good pub just coming up do you fancy stopping for a pint?"
The other teacher replies "it would be great but we cant take the kids in there can we?"
" It'll be fine this pub has a huge garden, we can get them some cans of coke, and we've got their football with the bell inside they can have a kick about with"

So they stop at the pub, get the kids some drinks and leave them kicking the ball around whilst they go inside for a drink. They are only halfway through their pints when the landlord comes over "hey are you two in charge of those blind kids out there?" He asks.
they confirm they are indeed, "well" says the landlord "you'd better go and sort them out, they're kicking the [email protected]## out of the Morris Dancers!"


----------



## Garno

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Nancy to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support my wife.. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other. 

EDITOR'S NOTE:

Jim, died suddenly last month of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, the club's head first, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. Nancy was arrested and charged with murder. 

The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her NOT GUILTY, accepting her defense that Jim, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.


----------



## zacharia nicholson

Did you hear the joke about the toilet? 


Nevermind, its too dirty.


----------



## Cordy

A missionary is treading the dangerous jungle...
He's been walking for weeks and has suffered mosquitoes, mud slides, leeches, dysentery and of course the unbearable heat and humidity.

He's exhausted but in a few days he'll reach his destination.
Suddenly, a huge tiger leaps up from the bushes right in front of him.
Tiger is clearly hungry and approaches him menacingly. The missionary is at the limit of his reserves and if he tries to run he'll surely be mauled.

Without hesitation he drops on his knees and places his life in the hands of God:
"Oh Lord! Give this tiger Christian values!" he exclaims, hoping the tiger will choose to not commit violence.

The clouds shift, a ray of light falls on the tiger which immediately kneels exclaiming:

"For what we are about to receive -- Thank You Lord!"


----------



## BHwoodworking

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt.
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher.


----------



## Garno

A man is driving down the road

and breaks down near a monastery....
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says,
"My car broke down.

Do you think I could stay the night?"



The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner,

and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep,

he hears a strange sound;

a sound like no other that he has ever heard.




The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was,

but they say,
"We can't tell you because you're not a monk."



The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway

and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down



in front of the same monastery. 



The monks again accept him, feed him,

and even fix his car..



That night,





he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that

he had heard years earlier.



The next morning, he asks what the sound was,

but the monks reply,
"We can't tell you because you're not a monk."


The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was

is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"




The monks reply,
"You must travel the Earth and tell us

how many blades of grass there are

and the exact number of sand pebbles.

When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."


The man sets about his task.

Some forty-five years later,

he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.
He says,

"I have travelled the Earth

and devoted my life to the task demanded

and have found what you had asked for.

There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass

and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.



The monks reply,
"Congratulations, you are correct,

and you are now considered a monk.
We shall now show you the way to the sound."


The monks lead the man to a wooden door,

where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.


The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He asks, "May I have the key?"


The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.


Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone....
The man requests the key to the stone door.


The monks give him the key, and he opens it,

only to find a door made of ruby..



He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.

Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.

And so it went on

until the man had gone through doors of emerald,.....


.....silver, topaz, and amethyst.



Finally, the monks say, "This is the key to the last door."




The man is relieved to be at the end.

He unlocks the door, turns the knob,

and behind that door

he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound.
It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight ............ 









..... But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.




DON'T SWEAR AT ME;


I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE mongrel WHO STARTED THIS!


----------



## The_Yellow_Ardvark

I'm a riceist and so should you be.

This post will be controversial to say the least.

Continue at your own peril. But before you do, read the title again! Take a deep breath and know that it's not a typo.

So... I'm a riceist. There I said it. I'm out of the rice closet and I'm proud of it too!

I'm a riceist!

White rice, brown rice, whole rice and even (gasp) wild rice. I don't like them all. Sure, I'll have sushi or a Thai curry with rice but if I could exchange the rice with something else I would. I have. Because that's what riceists do.

I know you must be sitting there gaping at my words in disbelief but it's true. Rice, that white, brown or red little grain is not something I'm overly fond of. Sure, rice feeds the world. It's a cheap staple diet of most places but think about it, it's a prima-donna.

Cook it too much and it turns to mush.
Cook it too little and it stays hard and gets between your teeth.

It's also full of sugars and has little nutritional value.

Don't get me wrong I'm good at cooking rice.

Just because I'm a riceist doesn't mean I can't use it. But if I had my way I would replace it with pasta.


----------



## Cordy

Thanks to our mutual dislike of newspaper puzzles, my wife and I have enjoyed a long and happy marriage.

Thirty years and not a crossword.


----------



## Robbo3




----------



## BHwoodworking

lol

brilliant


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Garno




----------



## woodhutt

You might have seen in the 'Tools' section that I'm restoring a couple of Stanley No. 5's.
One made in the US and one in Canada so I named them Trump and Trudeau to distinguish them.
Yesterday I was working on flattening Trump's sole when SWMBO brought me a cuppa and I told her about the naming. She asked why I would give such a nice tool (she's learning) such a nasty name and that she wouldn't be surprised if the tool refused to perform well out of sheer spite.
I laughed and asked if she really believed that an inanimate object could have feelings.
She said, "Why not? You do."
She has a cruel tongue...
Pete


----------



## Just4Fun

woodhutt":hep6pwe0 said:


> I laughed and asked if she really believed that an inanimate object could have feelings.
> She said, "Why not? You do."
> She has a cruel tongue...


Perhaps all wives do.
I remember during my first summer over here in the land of the midnight sun I said to my wife that I thought it was the light at night that was keeping me awake. Her reply? "It doesn't seem to bother you in the mornings".


----------



## Trainee neophyte

I was shown the following this morning, but as I don't have Facebook and I can't find the original meme, I have assembled it separately - not my own work, in other words.


----------



## Bm101

It's alright. It's fake news. 
Look at that jacket. That's a union cavalry jacket decorated with symbols of the Native American population. Think about that for a second.


----------



## Phil Pascoe

A lad I worked with many moons ago got an infestation of crustacea. He was foolish enough to tell someone who told everyone else - I remember the head chef asking what colour the ointment was - white, was the reply. Oh, it was blue in my day, came the answer (he was ex merchant navy). By the bye. He came to work the following day to find a Posy cartoon on the staff notice board. Two characters fishing in a seaside pool, with one labelled Mitch and the other Mitch"s missus, and captioned "Happiness is catching crabs together".


----------



## Garno

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy
Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.


Awakening from the anaesthetist after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. 'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!'

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: 'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.'
'The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood because she had had the same procedure done some time ago.'
'And what about the third rose?' she asked.


'That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.'


----------



## Cordy

As me and my wife headed off on a romantic holiday, we talked about what kinky things we'd like to do to each other.

She said "I've always wanted to be handcuffed"

So I planted a kilo of cocaine in her suitcase!


----------



## bushwhaker

A woman texts to her husband: "Honey, don't forget to buy bread when you come home from work and your girlfriend Valerie greets you."
Husband: Who's Valerie?
Wife: Nobody, I just wanted you to answer, to have confirmation that you saw my message.
Husband: But I’m with Valerie right now, I thought you saw me?
Wife: What?! Where are you?!
Husband: Near the neighborhood bakery.
Wife: Wait, I'm coming right now!
After 5 minutes, his wife sends a message:
Wife: I'm at the bakery, where are you?
Husband: I'm at work. Now, that you're at the bakery, buy the bloody bread!


----------



## Cordy

A group of men have been convicted of stealing roof joists in South Wales.

The press have labelled them -- 'The Tenby Eight'


----------



## flying haggis

words fail me


----------



## RogerM

For the Facebook generation on this forum, here is a list of 10 little known facts about diarrhoea. No 2 will surprise you!


----------



## Fidget

I was on a jungle safari and started to feel really peckish! So, I shot a small tribesmen and trapped and killed a python..

I then made myself a lovely snake and pygmy pie


----------



## Cordy

Don't let them take your temperature on your forehead when you enter a supermarket.

It erases your memory.

I went in for bread and milk and came out with two cases of beer.


----------



## bushwhaker

My wife was clothes shopping and she texted me a selfie asking me if the pants she had on made her look fat.

I answered "Nooooo". Damn autocorrect typed "Mooooo". I'm finished now...


----------



## treeturner123

Heard on the wonderful Peter Crouch podcast. Not for the faint hearted.

Crouchie's mate was going to take his new girlfriend to 'Albarone's' for a drink and a bite to eat.

When quizzed, as Crouchie had never hear of this establishment it turned out he was going to..........


All Bar One!!!

Made me chuckle

Phil


----------



## gregmcateer

So what's the advantage of living in Switzerland?


----------



## gregmcateer

Well, the flag's a big plus!


----------



## AES

gregmcateer said:


> So what's the advantage of living in Switzerland?



Wot 'ee said (about the big +). In fact, rather like the English v the Irish, or N v S in UK, here, we/they're a bit that way with the Austrians - Q: "What's the difference between the 2 flags?" A: "One's a big plus, the other's a big minus".

Or if an aircraft is seen flying overhead leaving a condensation trail - "Ah, that must be Austrian Airlines. He's leaving a marker so that he can find his way back home again tonight".

But seriously (I assume the Q WAS serious!) I've lived as a "permanent" resident in several different countries, and worked long-ish-term in many others. So my answer is that everywhere is like everywhere else in that some things are great, some, so-so, and other worse. Same here. There ARE some things which are definitely much better than UK (NO, I'm NOT listing them, it's only IMO); some things that are about the same; and some things that are definitely worse.

But my own experience is that you don't make a conscious decision to live someone else (well I didn't anyway), life just takes you there. For example my wife is Swiss (we both met elsewhere other than UK or Switzerland though), and at one time I used to work for the national airline (as was). In short, it just "sort of happens to you" (or not).


----------



## Droogs

I always considered the fact I couldn't use the washing machine after 10pm a major disadvantage when I lived in Zurich, that and the fact I could only use it one day a week and was usually at work for most of that day.


----------



## Garno

Droogs said:


> I always considered the fact I couldn't use the washing machine after 10pm a major disadvantage when I lived in Zurich, that and the fact I could only use it one day a week and was usually at work for most of that day.



Why?
Was it the neighbours or something?


----------



## Droogs

Most people rent in Zurich and have shared laundry facilities located usually in the mandatory fallout shelter, Never found a flat with the permissions to have a washing machine in the flat s kitchen as usually excluded in the lease. Legaly not allowed to do anything on a Sunday (like Germayny but worse) and as most "houses" are actually 6 flats each one gets a day to use the facility but the law also says you can't use any noisey stuff after 10 and the washer is too loud


----------



## Garno

Droogs said:


> Most people rent in Zurich and have shared laundry facilities located usually in the mandatory fallout shelter, Never found a flat with the permissions to have a washing machine in the flat s kitchen as usually excluded in the lease. Legaly not allowed to do anything on a Sunday (like Germayny but worse) and as most "houses" are actually 6 flats each one gets a day to use the facility but the law also says you can't use any noisey stuff after 10 and the washer is too loud



Wow I never knew that.

Just goes to show we never get too old to learn new things.


----------



## Jester129

People, thank you so very much for all the belly laughs and I have SOME belly!


----------



## AES

What Droogs says is basically quite true. Some of the rules and regs here are quite "intrusive"/"restrictive", depending on your point of view.

The rule Droogs is talking about refers to the fact that a block of flats here has one (or more depending on size) washing machine/dryer provided as a communal facility for all tenants. To ensure "fair play" all round, there's a rota system and each tenant/family has a specific day/time to use those facilities (include indoor drying space too).

The reason for the ban on use after "X pm" is like the ban on the use of your own shower/bath after "X pm" and is (I think) because some flats, especially the older properties, have a central heat/steam extractor which often seems to work it's way up through the centre of the building and is sometimes quite noisy. The idea of that is so that people who need to be early risers, shift workers, etc,etc, can get a good nights sleep. I've experienced that myself in 2 (older) flats) but not in the brand new one we rented. But still only my guesswork though.

Restrictive of "personal liberty"? Yes certainly, but the counter argument is "in the interests of the majority". NOT easy to live with when you first come here I agree, and one is a bit "taken aback" after living in, say, UK. But you learn to live with it (or not) like a number of other restrictive rules here. "Rough with the smooth" and all that.

Re your own washing machine in kitchen (or bathroom) I've never come across that one before (lived in 3 flats here total, before buying own house) and we always had our own so as not to use the communal facilities. Suggest that was a rule within the tenancy agreement brought in by that particular buildings owner (though tenancy agreements are "standardised" - per Kanton - in general here.

As in my previous post on this subject, there's a lot to "love" here, AND a lot to "hate" - just like everywhere else I've lived! 

I'm not defending the above, just trying to explain it. If you're "footloose and fancy free" (???) like my wife and I were, you just get used to living with and more or less "accepting" all sorts of funny things. But I can well image that some people would find it difficult to accept such "petty restrictions" - e.g. NO mowing your lawn on a Sunday!!!!!!!!!!! (true).


----------



## gregmcateer

Now that was an unexpected, (though welcome and informative), diversion. 
I only posted it as I thought it was a funny dad joke , as it's a Joke thread


----------



## AES

gregmcateer said:


> Now that was an unexpected, (though welcome and informative), diversion.
> I only posted it as I thought it was a funny dad joke , as it's a Joke thread



Yeah, I must confess to being "guilty as charged" - I knew it's a joke thread I was posting on (I started on about Swiss "rules & regs" because I thought the Q was a serious one, and treated it as such), but clearly my post has nothing to do with jokes, sorry.

But just to finish it off "cleanly". IMO anyway, Droogs' post was a perfect illustration of how, if you decide to "import yourself" into someone else's country, then you must also be prepared to accept that what is your own "normal" (nothing to do with Covid here, promise!) then you must also be prepared to accept that your normal may well not be the same as the normal for someone who has lived in that country all their lives.

Anyway, I suggest we get back to jokes here. I haven't got any right now. Anyone else?


----------



## gregmcateer

Cheers, AES.

As to your challenge - 
Why don't polar bears eat penguins?

Coz they can't get the wrappers off. 

Sorry, hat, coat...


----------



## Garno

AES said:


> Yeah, I must confess to being "guilty as charged" - I knew it's a joke thread I was posting on (I started on about Swiss "rules & regs" because I thought the Q was a serious one, and treated it as such), but clearly my post has nothing to do with jokes, sorry.



Put your mind at rest, it absolutely was a serious question and I am very grateful for the answers it got.

P.S sorry for the temporary hijacking of the thread.


----------



## Garno

How does a woman scare a gynecologist?



by becoming a ventriloquist


----------



## Droogs

Not to worry Andy, I love my time in Switzerland. I adapted, improvised and overcame . I just haven't had a shower since 2008


----------



## AES

THANKS for that one gregmccateer - I think!


Droogs said:


> Not to worry Andy, I love my time in Switzerland. I adapted, improvised and overcame . I just haven't had a shower since 2008




Yeah Droogs, dead right mate. IMO it's all about adapting, improvising, and overcoming. From what I understand some emigrants to UK may do well to practice that philosophy a bit more(but I am MUCH out of date with UK these days, and anyway, I definitely do NOT want to start another red herring off).

Re showering. Yeah, I THOUGHT the re was "something" about you Droogs!!!!!!!

(Taste still improving I hope?)


----------



## Droogs

It is thank you, unfortunately not the smell
 needed me thinks


----------



## AES

OK Droogs. I guess "something's better than nothing", but smell's an important one too). Will that improve as time goes by?


----------



## Droogs

AES that last comment was an attempted witty call back to previous post.
All the way through treatment the funny thing was I could smell things just not really taste them unless they were sweet or highly spiced, then they tasted like an ashtray otherwise everything tasted meh


----------



## AES

Ok mate, sorry, I didn't get it. "GuteBesserung" all the same.


----------



## Cordy

Just checked my e-mail and found I have passes in A Level in maths and physics......

I left school 60 years ago


----------



## Garno

I got an e-mail telling me my spirit level has been upgraded


----------



## sunnybob

I got an email telling me I didnt have any emails.


----------



## AES

OK, here goes, an E-mail my wife just got from a German girlfriend (translated by me), and PLEASE NOTE, *NIL OFFENCE INTENDED TO ANYONE:*

"Due to the sensitive nature of current the ethnic origins and skin-colour debate, the Government has decided that the Black Forest will, on all official publications, henceforth be referred as "The Forest of the most Extensive Form of Skin Pigmentation".

Well I thought it was quite amusing anyway.


----------



## Garno

AES said:


> OK, here goes, an E-mail my wife just got from a German girlfriend (translated by me), and PLEASE NOTE, *NIL OFFENCE INTENDED TO ANYONE:*
> 
> "Due to the sensitive nature of current the ethnic origins and skin-colour debate, the Government has decided that the Black Forest will, on all official publications, henceforth be referred as "The Forest of the most Extensive Form of Skin Pigmentation".
> 
> Well I thought it was quite amusing anyway.



I hope they don't change the name of the gateau


----------



## gregmcateer

AES said:


> OK, here goes, an E-mail my wife just got from a German girlfriend (translated by me), and PLEASE NOTE, *NIL OFFENCE INTENDED TO ANYONE:*
> 
> "Due to the sensitive nature of current the ethnic origins and skin-colour debate, the Government has decided that the Black Forest will, on all official publications, henceforth be referred as "The Forest of the most Extensive Form of Skin Pigmentation".
> 
> Well I thought it was quite amusing anyway.



As you were good- spirited with my childish joke earlier, I'll let you have that one. (Heads up, though - offence isn't meant or given, it's either taken or perceived. If we tell a joke from a position of privilege with no offence intended, it can still give offence - here endeth the lesson)


----------



## AES

Grammatical correction accepted Gregmcateer.


----------



## guineafowl21

sammy.se said:


> Stolen from a different place forum (and most likely stolen from somewhere before that):
> 
> TOOLS EXPLAINED
> 
> DRILL PRESS : A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
> WIRE WHEEL : Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh*t'
> ANGLE GRINDER : A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
> PLIERS : Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
> BELT SANDER : An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
> HACKSAW : One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
> MOLE-GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
> OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH : Used almost entirely for setting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..
> TABLE SAW : A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
> HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK : Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
> BAND SAW : A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
> TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST : A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
> PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER : Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
> STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER : A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
> PRY BAR : A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50p part.
> HOSE CUTTER : A tool used to make hoses too short.
> HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
> STANLEY KNIFE : Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
> ADJUSTABLE SPANNER: aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench". Commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers. Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted knuckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.
> turnip TOOL : Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'turnip' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
> 
> Any more to add?
> My one would be:
> 
> TROWEL: the thing you use while plastering to turn a 90% good smooth surface into an 80% good surface, through constantly reworking to get it better, and then making it worse by 10% each time before giving up and deciding to use filler and sandpaper tomorrow.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G973F using Tapatalk


I love these ones.

Magnetic inspection torch: For testing pupil reactions and visual memory by briefly illuminating work area, then dropping down so as to shine directly into your eyes.

Coping saw: Shows the user the deterministic nature of life by creeping inexorably towards and past the marked line, regardless of how you try to prevent it.

Cheap thicknesser: Adds a decorative dip to each side of the only piece of wood you have for the job. When used in combination with...

...Dust extractor: creates a wall of noise that makes people wait outside the workshop, who would otherwise come straight in and bother you.

Dovetail saw: For elaborately creating kindling by sawing down the good side of the marked line.


----------



## guineafowl21

Glue rag: For the removal of excess glue from joints, and subsequent transfer to hands, jumper, trouser leg, tool handles, and the back end of the dog which sits on it.


----------



## guineafowl21

Air chisel: For ensuring the total buggeration of bolt heads that were previously only partially buggered.


----------



## flying haggis

Pour a measure of whisky, gin or rum into a glass.

Then see if you can smell it. 

If you can smell it,

and if you can taste it it's reasonable to assume,

You are currently free of the virus?

I tested myself nine times last night and was covid free each time,

thank goodness

I will test myself today because I have now developed a headache.

Which can also be a symptom.

I have to say I came across this cure quite by chance, and it actually works.


----------



## Robbo3

Her Diary :
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.
We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, "Nothing". I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you too."
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with the silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later he came to bed but I felt that he was still distracted and his thoughts were somwhere else.
He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.


His Diary :
Motorcycle won't start .... can't figure out why.


----------



## Cordy

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education than any Jock cop.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!! Glasgow cop says, “Licence and registration, please.” London Lawyer says, “What for?”

Glasgow cop says, “Ye dinnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.” London Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”

Glasgow cop says, “Ye still dinnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please”

London Lawyer says, “What’s the difference?”

Glasgow cop says, “The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that’s the law, Licence and registration, please!” London Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.” Glasgow cop says, “Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.”

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living sh*t out of the lawyer and says, “Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?”


----------



## Robbo3

Dating in the 60's 

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960, and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell. 

'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in. 

'Have a seat in the living room.. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? tea?' 

'Tea, please,' Fred said. Mum brought the tea. 

'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked. 

'Oh, probably watch a film, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the milk bar, maybe take a walk on the beach.' 

'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mum informed him. 

'Really?' Fred replied; eyebrows raised. 

'Oh yes,' mother continued, 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!' 

'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous. 

'Yes,' said the mother. 

'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!' 

'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening. 

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. 

She greeted Fred. 

'Have fun, kids!' mother said as they left. 

Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her. 

'The Twist, Mum!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. 'The bloody dance is called the Twist!'


----------



## Cordy

Englishman, Irish man and Scotsman in a psychology lesson. 

Teacher asks Englishman what's opposite of joy? He says sorrow. 

He asks Scotsman what's opposite of depression? He says happiness.

He asks Paddy what's the opposite of woe? 
He says giddy up.


----------



## Robbo3

Jewish Samurai

There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief.

A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.

The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half.

The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a
matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces.

The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"

Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.

The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?"

The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not meant to kill."


----------



## Just4Fun

I volounteered to take part in the testing for the Russian coronavirus vaccine. I got my first shot today. So far I have никаких странных реакций или симптомов, кроме небольшого дефекта речи и тяги к водке!


----------



## Cooper

What a wonderful thing google translate is!!


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Robbo3

$100 Bill

In a little known one- horse East Texas town near Long View Texas there is one road in and one road out. The town is suffering severely from the great depression of 2009. Money is as scarce as hen's teeth. A wealthy traveling salesman walks into the ancient hotel, the only hotel in town and lays a nice crisp $100 dollar bill on the hotel counter and announces to the hotel owner that he is going to walk upstairs to inspect the rooms.

The hotel owner picks up the $100 dollar bill, smiles, and sticks it in his shirt pocket. He walks out of the hotel and enters the Cafe next door. The entire town has been running on credit since the depression began. The hotel owner owes the Cafe owner a $100 dollar bill for services rendered at the hotel.

The Cafe owner picks up the $100 dollar bill, smiles, and sticks it in his shirt pocket. He walks out of the Cafe and walks next door to the butcher shop. The entire town has been running on credit since the depression began. The Cafe owner owes a $100 dollar bill to the butcher for meat that was served at the hotel.

The butcher picks up the $100 dollar bill, smiles, and sticks it in his shirt pocket. He walks out of the butcher shop and walks across the street to a prostitute standing on the corner. The entire town has been running on credit since the depression began. The butcher owes a $100 dollar bill to the prostitute for secret services rendered on credit.

The prostitute picks up the $100 dollar bill, smiles, and sticks it inside her bra. She walks across the street to the hotel. The entire town has been running on credit since the depression began. The prostitute owes a $100 dollar bill to the hotel owner for rooms she used on credit. The hotel owner smiled, accepted the money and laid the nice crisp $100 dollar bill back on the counter.

The wealthy salesman comes back downstairs, and states that the rooms were not acceptable, picked up the $100 bill from the counter, and walked out the door.


----------



## Phil Pascoe

I read a variation of that one many years ago.


----------



## AJB Temple

It was even used on TV in dad's army.


----------



## Droogs

AJB Temple said:


> It was even used on TV in dad's army.


How did Capt Manwaring know we would have a financial crises in 2009?


----------



## Steliz

Droogs said:


> How did Capt Manwaring know we would have a financial crises in 2009?


Don't tell him, Pike.


----------



## Kendle99

Saw this on a T shirt recently , " 5 great things that happens to your body when you get old "
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Made me smile !


----------



## Robbo3

The other night I was invited out for a night with the "boys" I told my wife that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the beers went down way too easily.

Around 3am, a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my wife would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with her. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !)

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in. I told her "MIDNIGHT"... she didn't seem pineappled off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one!

Then she said "We need a new cuckoo clock.”

When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh s**t" Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.


----------



## Cordy

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who only spoke Navajo, asked a question, which the son translated, “What are the guys in the big suits doing?”

A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got really excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder

After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate. He refused. So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder’s message to the moon

Finally, NASA called in an official government translator. He reported that the moon message said: “Watch out for these guys; they’ve come to steal your land”


----------



## Phil Pascoe

Code talker - Wikipedia







en.wikipedia.org


----------



## Just4Fun

Cooper said:


> What a wonderful thing google translate is!!


Indeed. I think it can translate any known language except wife.


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Mark Karacsonyi




----------



## Mark Karacsonyi

An engineer dies and goes to hell. On arrival he looks around, finds it’s too hot, and dry and everything is so distant, so he decides to go to work.

Later, God starts to hear rumours of things changing in hell, so he decides to call the Devil.

The Devil, is quick enough to tell God, the new tenant has put in running water, air conditioning, lifts and elevators and is now planning a public transport system.

God, quickly says there seems to be a mistake, as the engineer was destined for heaven. The Devil disagrees. God then threatens legal action, The Devil says go ahead. But, remember this, I have all the lawyers.


----------



## Cordy

Needed to read this twice....

I was watching "Pointless" a couple of nights ago and one of the topics was "Egyptian Gods" -- one being "Apis".

Richmond Osman came out with the classic line :-
"When the God died there were mass suicides - many proclaiming 

"We are dying for Apis'"


----------



## Droogs

Lost my thesaurus last month, so I got one second hand on Amazon costing £5. It finally arrived this morning and it is missing the sodding 1st and last pages. It's only going from bad to worse


----------



## bushwhaker

> The lion married off a child. Being the king of the jungle, he invited all the animals for the wedding.
> 
> On the very special night, a mouse walks up the lion and says, "Congratulations brother!"
> 
> The lion looks at the mouse and says, "Thanks, but since when am I your brother?"
> 
> The mouse replied, "Well, I was once a lion too, then I got married."
> 
> ---
> 
> During the medical exam of a female patient, the doctor says:
> "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."
> The lady starts taking off her undies, but is interrupted by the doctor.
> "No! No! .....Just stick out your tongue!"


----------



## Robbo3

Bricks

While visiting Annapolis, a lady tourist noticed several students on their hands and knees assessing the courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand.

"What are they doing?" she asked the tour guide.

"Each year," he replied with a grin, "the upperclassmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish paving this courtyard."

When they were out of earshot of the freshmen, the curious lady asked the guide: "So, what's the answer?"

The guide replied: "One."


----------



## llangatwgnedd

I asked my butcher for some tripe.
He's given me a boxset of Love Island.


----------



## Robbo3

Travel

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.
Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Robbo3

A conversation in heaven

SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.

WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

SYLVIA: I froze to death.

WANDA: How horrible!

SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

SYLVIA: So, what happened?

WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.


----------



## Just4Fun

Cooper said:


> What a wonderful thing google translate is!!


hmmm ... maybe not so wonderful.

I have started to get spam emails in Russian. Either a weird coincidence or this was somehow triggered by me using Google translate to create my half-Russian joke. It would be interesting to know if anyone who used Google translate to understand the joke experience the same thing.


----------



## Boringgeoff

I used Google translate for your joke, but no interference from the Russians yet.


----------



## flying haggis

When Gene Pitney died it took 3 days to make an oak coffin.















it would have been only 24 hours from balsa.


----------



## flying haggis

There was an explosion at the pie factory. 



The blast could be heard 3.142 miles away.


----------



## Terry - Somerset

I like this thread much more than the social distancing one!


----------



## Droogs

We need a groan emoji


----------



## Robbo3

A philosopher, a mathematician and an silly person were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven where St Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings," With a snap of his finger a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger the philsopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger the mathematician disappeared, too.

The silly person then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The silly person then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"

The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."

"Wrong," said the silly person, "it's from my *******." And the silly person went to Heaven.


----------



## Steliz




----------



## Cordy

BREAKING NEWS: 
Seven dinghies packed with refugees arrived on a beach at Weston-Super-Mare this morning. 

Government sources said they are being returned to Wales immediately.


----------



## Benchwayze

A rabbi a priest and a vicar walked into a pub. 'What's this', said the licensee, 'Some kind of joke?'

John


----------



## Bm101

A rabbit, a priest and a vicar walked into a pub. 'What's this', said the licensee, 'Some kind of typo?'


----------



## Benchwayze

No. Some kind of rubbish dictation app. I give up using this phone for posting.


----------



## Bm101

Read my one again BW.


----------



## Benchwayze

Uhhmmmm! Oh dear! See what you mean !


----------



## Benchwayze

As far as I can see Rabbi can be written with one 'b' or two. Another Anglo-American/ism. This pesky app keeps auto correcting words it doesn't know.

John


----------



## Phil Pascoe

A comment after an article on sex toys in the Times -
My wife tried to buy a large tartan design vibrator from a sex shop but the manager said "I'm sorry that's my thermos flask".


----------



## bushwhaker

My granddad always used to say, "As one door closes another one opens". Lovely man. And terrible cabinet maker.


----------



## Robbo3

After spending a night in a very upmarket hotel, a businessman found he had been badly bitten by bedbugs.

Extremely angry he wrote to the hotel's chief executive and received a letter personally signed by the top man himself.

He said that never in the hotel's history had such a thing happened and after apologising profusely, he said he hoped the enclosed cheque for £50 would make amends for any inconvenience caused.

The man was both placated & delighted and showed his wife the letter.

As he did so a slip of paper tumbled out of the envelope. It was a message from the chief executive to his secretary.

It read: Janet, send this guy the usual bug letter.


----------



## Droogs

Amazing US election documentry here:


----------



## Garno

Today, a feminist asked me how I viewed lesbians, 

Apparently, "In HD" wasn't the right answer.


----------



## Vann

Q: Why isn't Trump allowed back into the White House?

A: It's for biden.

Cheers, Vann.


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## bushwhaker

Octopus Fact:
The male argonaut octopus is in danger of being eaten by females, so instead of mounting his mate he will literally rip his penis off and throw it at the female so she can inseminate on her own.
Which is simply the most fantastic "go f*** yourself" ever.
...


----------



## Droogs

rediscovered this Scottish classic from yesteryear. Surely the 2nd funniest man aft the Big Yin


----------



## Phil Pascoe

I remember listening to Billy Connolly on one of his first LPs in the mid '70s (when his accent was really Scottish). I remember his telling how he went home from a party at 15 with a lovebite and telling his father he'd fallen down the stairs and landed on a pair of false teeth someone had thrown away. Oh, and being on the bus through Drumchapel sitting behind a man in a duffel coat and throwing up into his hood- the chap then got off the bus in the rain and pulled the hood up.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Doug B




----------



## loftyhermes




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Linus




----------



## Robbo3

Computer Virus

Symptoms:


Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.

Causes you to send a blank e-mail.

Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.

Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.

Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.

Causes you to hit SEND before you've finished.

Causes you to hit DELETE when you want to SEND.

Causes you to hit SEND when you should DELETE.



It is called the C-NILE VIRUS.


----------



## AES

> *Jewish, Italian and Irish Grandparents and a few facts**
> 
> *The Jewish Elbow...*
> A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is
> coming to visit with his wife.
> 
> "You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There
> is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will
> buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with
> your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your
> elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"
> 
> "Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my
> elbow? ........
> 
> "What . .. . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"
> _______________________________________________
> 
> *Wise Italian Grandfather*
> 
> An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his
> bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome
> plated ..38 revolver so you will always remember me."
> 
> "But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex
> watch instead?"
> 
> "You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna
> have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of
> bambinos. "
> 
> "Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with
> another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times
> up!' "?
> ____________________________________________________
> 
> *Irish blonde...*
> 
> An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed
> a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of
> the dice.
> 
> She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
> completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the
> dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new
> clothes!"
> As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes!
> I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and
> her clothes and quickly departed.
> 
> The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
> 
> Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I
> don't know - I thought you were watching."
> 
> MORAL OF THE STORY
> 
> Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,
> ..... but all men...





> are men!
> ____________________________________________________
> 
> *Global Facts About Sex*
> 
> At any given moment:
> 
> FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
> FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
> FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
> FACT: 1 old person is reading emails and/or UKW!
> 
> *You hang in there, sunshine! *


----------



## Benchwayze

Hang on! I hear someone calling from upstairs. Be back later.

John


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Doug B

I smiled a bit too much when I was sent this this morning & got asked by senior management what I found so funny


----------



## Droogs

Apparently the CDC at the behest of Dr Faucci released a new report this morning which had the following conclusion

Through detailed research and analysis we have concluded that although Covid-19's most publicized forms of transmission methods have been the danger of breathing in dropplets from the exhalation of people by the nose and mouth. The greatest threat is that posed by arsseholes


----------



## Garno




----------



## Doug B

Thought for today


----------



## TRITON

I hear a funny from the US civil war.
Cant mind the exact time/date/place but it was towards the end, with Lee and Sheridan and some big battle about to happen.
As Sheridan was approaching there was a black youth running towards them, and about to pass when they asked him why he was running. The reply is recorded as "I'm running because I cannot fly" 

Well said.


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Bm101

Since we're just cut and pasting jokes now.... not even a joke but it made me laugh.
(God I miss the pub and a proper joke told in good company).

Schrodinger's Chips.


----------



## Droogs

Just released press statement from Makita.
"In light of the recent rebranding success at hitachi koki, Makita are pleased to announce a new factory to be located in Abergeveny for the production of an all new power tool range made especially for European markets. This new tool range will be known as the YAKIDA brand"


----------



## Cordy

The government in Egypt has instructed the Cities taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their car horns.

It is hoped that a return to familiar city sounds will help restore peace and tranquillity following the Covid pandemic.

Operation "toot n calm em" will last for one week


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Doug B

Just heard the inventor of the throat lozenge has sadly passed away.
Apparently there will be no coffin at his funeral.


----------



## Dave Brookes

Apparently Vladimir Putin is possibly asthmatic 

Will he now be known as Vlad the inhaler?


----------



## Phil Pascoe

Doug B said:


> View attachment 96817


£37 a month? Try S.W. Water.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Benchwayze

I like the idea of trusting to Human Nature; problem is Human Nature is in the hands of too many people.


----------



## flying haggis

Apparently


----------



## Robbo3




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Phill05

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees after hours about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.
He dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes", whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him please?" the boss asked.
To his surprise the small voice whispered, "Noo."

So the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes", came the answer.

"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "Noo."

"Is there any one else in the house with you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes" whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.

Growing more concerned and worried as he heard a strange sound coming through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked,
"What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What’s going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In a small whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper." Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:
"Meee"


----------



## Benchwayze

Phill05 said:


> The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees after hours about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.
> He dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
> 
> Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
> "Yes", whispered the small voice.
> 
> "May I talk with him please?" the boss asked.
> To his surprise the small voice whispered, "Noo."
> 
> So the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes", came the answer.
> 
> "May I talk with her?"
> Again the small voice whispered, "Noo."
> 
> "Is there any one else in the house with you?" the boss asked the child.
> "Yes" whispered the child, "a policeman."
> 
> Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
> "No, he's busy," whispered the child.
> 
> "Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
> "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.
> 
> Growing more concerned and worried as he heard a strange sound coming through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked,
> "What is that noise?"
> 
> "A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.
> 
> "What’s going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
> 
> In a small whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper." Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
> 
> Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:
> "Meee"



This one I really like. If I told you the true story you wouldn't believe me. Suffice to say this is a joke, but missing kids hide in all sorts of strange places. Believe me this has happened! Sadly they don't always have an upbeat ending.

John


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Robbo3




----------



## treeturner123

I bet there's some chaffing going on there!!


----------



## Benchwayze

Self-inflicted. No empathy here!

Ho! Ho!

John


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Robbo3




----------



## Doug B

2020  somehow I knew it would all end in tiers.


----------



## Benchwayze

Doug. Me too; great minds and all that,
but I decided against posting! Actually yer beat me to it!

John


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Geoff_S

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said 'nothing'.


The reason I said 'nothing' instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she then would have asked 'about what?'

At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.


Finally I pondered an age old question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they "know"?


Well, after another beer, and some heavier deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.


Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really "know", here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."


I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap in that hammock.


----------



## Geoff_S

How do you know who loves you more, your wife or your dog ?

Lock them both in the boot of your car for two hours.

When you let them out, see which one is pleased to see you.


----------



## Benchwayze

Yes Geoff!

John


----------



## gwaithcoed

I know which one will growl at you


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Cordy

Just a quick heads-up, lads...

Tesco is giving away free Christmas turkeys

to anyone who can outrun their security guards.


----------



## Benchwayze

Doug B said:


> View attachment 97240


Have i got noose for you!
John


----------



## SammyQ

You lot? Brilliant!


----------



## RogerS

Nothing like a chuckle. Like knowing that in one half of our village which is in Tier 3 that the pub will be closed. Like knowing that in the other half who are in Tier 2, the pub there IS open !


----------



## Benchwayze

As long as the tiers don't water down the beer!


----------



## Doug B




----------



## BHwoodworking

nice one boris.

you've put the whole country in tiers.

>insert groan emoji here<


----------



## Robbo3

Beating lockdown!


----------



## Doug B

I know this one too well


----------



## AES

Me too! "Been there, Doug, felt that, BUT haven't got the T shirt - instead, just a blooming great bruise to prove it". (And BTW, our dog's been dead for years)!  

Nice one.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Doug B




----------



## bushwhaker

A guy went to his travel agent and tried to book a two-week cruise for himself and his lady friend. The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and reservations were very tight at that moment, but that he would see what he could do.

A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could get them onto a three-day cruise. The guy was disappointed that it was such a short cruise, but booked it . . . and went to the drugstore to buy Dramamines and three condoms.

Three days later, the agent called back and reported that he now could book a five-day cruise. The guy said, "Great, I'll take it!"! and returned to the same pharmacy to buy two more Dramamines and two more condoms.

Two days after that, the travel agent called yet again, and said he was delighted that he could offer them bookings on an eight-day cruise. The guy was elated and, and went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.

The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, I'm not trying to pry... but, if it makes you sick... why do you keep doing it?"


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Robbo3




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Cordy

According to my wife's chocolate advent calendar...
there are only 3 days left till Christmas


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Robbo3




----------



## Phil Pascoe




----------



## Phil Pascoe




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Phil Pascoe

Why do they give hurricanes women's names? Because when they come they're wet and windy and when the go they take the house and the car.


----------



## Phill05

Subject: The late Bill Gates

Welcome, Bill," said a voice from above, "I'm really confused on this one. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or to Hell! After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world,
and yet you created that ghastly O/S Windows.

I'm going to do something I’ve never done before.
I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"
Mr. Gates replied, "Well, thank you Sir.
What's the difference between the two?"

The voice from above said, "You can take a quick peek at both places if it will
help you decide. Shall we look at Hell first?"
"Sure!" said Bill. "Let's go!"
Bill was amazed!

He was looking at a clean, white sandy beach with crystal clear blue waters.
There were thousands of stunningly beautiful naked women running around,
playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about.
The sun was shining and the temperature looked perfect!

Bill said, "This is awesome! If this is Hell, I can't wait to see Heaven!"
To which a voice replied, "Let's go!" and off they went.
Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky with angels
drifting about playing harps and singing.

It was nice, but certainly not as enticing as Hell.
Mr. Gates thought for a brief moment before rendering his decision.
"Sir, I do believe I would like to go to Hell."

"As you desire Bill".

Two weeks later on checking up on the late billionaire to see how things were going.
He found Bill shackled to a wall in a dark cave, screaming among the hot flames.
He was being burned and tortured by demons.

"How ya doin', Bill?".

Bill responded with anguish and despair. "This is awful! This is not
what I expected at all! What happened to the beach with all the beautiful
naked women playing in the water?"


"Oh THAT!" "That was just the screen saver!"


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Robbo3

The origin of boobs!


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Pete the Feet

Just found out that Grandad has become addicted to Viagra. As a family we are devastated but no one is taking it harder than our nan.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Robbo3

Things you would never know without the movie industry 

Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people--whether they are employed or not.

At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts--your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

Radiation cause interesting mutations--not to your future children, but to you, right then and there.

If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

During all police investigations. it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

Most dogs are immortal.

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one loaf of French bread.

It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off--even while scuba diving.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

Kitchens don't have light switches.

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.

Any person waking from a nightmare will bolt upright and pant.

It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.


----------



## BHwoodworking

Robbo3 said:


> A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.



johnny english 2 or 3?????


----------



## PerryGunn




----------



## Doug B

How come with films anyone drenched with water will be bone dry within minutes?

Also after a fight involving the hero being beaten to plup he can still get up & win the fight & the next day most of his wounds will have miraculously disappeared


----------



## Bm101




----------



## Bm101

Sorry. This made me laugh like a gutter.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Garno

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf when one remarked
how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed
and, without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his
buddies, and play a round.



His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a 
priority; figure out a way and we’ll meet here early on Christmas morning."

However, all four agreed that it would very difficult, if not impossible to win the approval of their

respective wives and partners in order that they might visit a golf course on such an auspicious day.



Months later, the special morning arrived, and there they were on the
golf course. The first guy said, "Boy, this game cost me a fortune! I 
bought my wife a diamond ring and she can't take her eyes off it."



The second guy said, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."



The third guy said "Well, my wife is at home admiring her new car, 
reading the manual."They all turned to the last guy in the group who was staring at them 
as though they had lost their minds.

"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game,” he said.

“I slapped my wife on the bum and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's 
a great morning -- intercourse or golf course ?”

She said, "Don't forget your hat!


----------



## Trainee neophyte




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Felix

Here's my offering...

My wife and I were talking over dinner the other night and she mentioned the statue meant to honour the feminist icon Mary Wollstonecraft. She said that numerous people had commented about the naked lady on top of the statue and how prominent her 'lady garden' was and that it looked like a clump of broccoli....and I said 'was it because she had a vegina?'......


----------



## Garno

A guy comes home completely drunk one night, he lurches through the door 

and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.



‘Where the hell have you been all night?’ she demands.

‘At this fantastic new bar,’ he says. ‘The Golden Saloon, everything there is golden. 

It’s got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works – hell, even the urinal’s gold!’



The wife still doesn’t believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, 

finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. 



She calls up the place to check her husband’s story.

‘Is this the Golden Saloon?’ she asks when the bartender answers the phone.



‘Yes it is,’ bartender answers.
‘Do you have huge golden doors?’
‘Sure do.’ ‘Do you have golden floors?’
‘Most certainly do.’
‘What about golden urinals?’



There’s a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling,
‘Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pineappled in your saxophone last night!’


----------



## Doug B




----------



## mikej460

I went to the doctor with hearing problem he said what are the symptoms...I said little yellow people on tv


----------



## Robbo3

Euro Language

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty’s Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as Euro-English (Euro for short)

In the first year, “s” will be used instead of the soft “c”. Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy. Also the hard “c” will be replased with “k”. Not only will this klear up confusion, but typewriters will have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the second year, when the troublesome “ph” will be replased by “f”. This will make words like “fotograf” 20 % shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent “e’s” in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps, such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”.

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords containing “ou”, and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru.


----------



## mikej460

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review.
Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service"
RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS: "Hokay. An San tos?"
G: "What?"
RS: "San tos. July San tos?"
G: "I don't think so"
RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bother?"
G: "No..just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say"
RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
G: "You're welcome"


----------



## Robbo3

The Scottish Brothel

The madam opened the brothel door in Milngavie and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. 

"May I help you sir?" she asked. 

The man replied, "I want to see Suzy." 

"Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies Perhaps you would prefer someone else" , said the madam. 

He replied, "No, I must see Suzy." 

Just then, Suzy appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit. 

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs. 

After an hour, the man calmly left. 

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Suzy. 

Suzy explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. 

"There are no discounts. The price is still £5000." 

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs. 

After an hour, he left. 

The following night the man was there yet again. 

Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Suzy and they went upstairs. 

After their session, Suzy said to the man, 
"No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" 

The man replied, " Edinburgh." 

"Really," she said. "I have family in Edinburgh ." 

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her Lawyer She asked me to give you your £15,000 inheritance."


----------



## Garno




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Doug B




----------



## gwaithcoed

Free to a good home. First edition of EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT EVERYTHING.
No longer needed, just got married wife already knows everything


----------



## Robbo3

A man went to his lawyer and said, "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it."

The lawyer said, "No problem, leave it all to me."

The man looked somewhat upset and said, "Well, I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I would like to leave a little to my children too!"


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Robbo3

American Courts

ATTORNEY : Are you sexually active?
WITNESS : No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY : What is your date of birth?
WITNESS : July 18th.
ATTORNEY : What year?
WITNESS : Every year.

ATTORNEY : What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS : Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY : This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS : Yes.
ATTORNEY : And in what ways does it affect memory?
WITNESS : I forget.
ATTORNEY : You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY : How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS : Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY : How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS : Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY : What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS : He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY : And why did that upset you?
WITNESS : My name is Susan.

ATTORNEY : Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS : Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY : The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS : Uh, he's twenty-one.

ATTORNEY : Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS : Would you repeat the question?

ATTORNEY : So the date of conception (of thebaby) was August 8th?
WITNESS : Yes.
ATTORNEY : And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS : Duh.............

ATTORNEY : She had three children, right?
WITNESS : Yes.
ATTORNEY : How many were boys?
WITNESS : None.
ATTORNEY : Were there any girls?

ATTORNEY : How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS : By death.
ATTORNEY : And by whose death was it terminated?

ATTORNEY : Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS : He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY : Was this a male or a female?

ATTORNEY : Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS : No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY : Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS : All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

ATTORNEY : ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS : Oral.

ATTORNEY : Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS : The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY : And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS : No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY : Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS : Huh?

ATTORNEY : Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS : Because his brain was sitt ng on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY : But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS : Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


----------



## Doug B

I‘m left wondering if Iceland will rethink their font choice next year


----------



## Doug B




----------



## AES

Sorry Doug, one of the worst things about dealing with "furriners" like I am these days, is we don't always get the "in" jokes. "Who the hell is Chris Rea" please? Genuine Q.

(Though looking at the "footbally" background in your pic, if by any chance he's got something to do with football, I wouldn't know anyway, foreigner or not)!


----------



## Droogs

@AES



But if you live in Kent the drive home after new years may be the road to hell


----------



## Garno

Droogs said:


> @AES
> 
> 
> 
> But if you live in Kent the drive home after new years may be the road to hell




Not heard this in years, suddenly gone all nostalgic.


----------



## AES

Ohhhhh, THATTTTTTT Chris Rea!!!!!!!! Why in hell didn't you say so in the 1st place?????????

Sorry Doug, I did know the song ('onest) but not sure if I ever knew that Chris Rea was the singer. Just put it down to my being "old n past it"


----------



## Doug B

Don’t apologise @AES I sent it to a friend who knows the song & the singer but admitted to googling Chris Rea as he was having a blonde moment.


----------



## AES

Thanks Doug. I'm afraid when I don't know/understand something, Googling isn't the 1st thing that comes to mind. These days I s'pose it should be though!


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Robbo3




----------



## Sandyn

I caught my son chewing on an electric cable, so I've grounded him!!


----------



## Garno

Actual call centre conversations !!!!!

Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.
Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: ; 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?'
Operator: ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
'If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'.
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland '.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on'.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.
Customer: 'OK'.
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?'.
----------- ----------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------

There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared.'
Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: ; 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: ' Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark??'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
' Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not??'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too f --- ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!'


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Jacob

My entry for the feeble tasteless joke competition:

"My mate asked me to do a 5 mile run for charity, I said no!
He told me it was for blind and disabled people.
I thought.....right, I could actually win this."


----------



## andy hamilton

Doe for


mikej460 said:


> The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review.
> Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
> Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service"
> RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
> G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
> RS: "Ow July den?"
> G: "What??"
> RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"
> G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
> RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
> G: "Crisp will be fine."
> RS: "Hokay. An San tos?"
> G: "What?"
> RS: "San tos. July San tos?"
> G: "I don't think so"
> RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
> G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means."
> RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"
> G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
> RS: "We bother?"
> G: "No..just put the bother on the side."
> RS: "Wad?"
> G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
> RS: "Copy?"
> G: "Sorry?"
> RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
> G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
> RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"
> G: "Whatever you say"
> RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
> G: "You're welcome"





Doug B said:


> I‘m left wondering if Iceland will rethink their font choice next year
> 
> 
> 
> View attachment 98542


I'll have a couple of them to nibble


----------



## andy hamilton

Do


mikej460 said:


> The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review.
> Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
> Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service"
> RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
> G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
> RS: "Ow July den?"
> G: "What??"
> RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"
> G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
> RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
> G: "Crisp will be fine."
> RS: "Hokay. An San tos?"
> G: "What?"
> RS: "San tos. July San tos?"
> G: "I don't think so"
> RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
> G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means."
> RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"
> G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
> RS: "We bother?"
> G: "No..just put the bother on the side."
> RS: "Wad?"
> G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
> RS: "Copy?"
> G: "Sorry?"
> RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
> G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
> RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"
> G: "Whatever you say"
> RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
> G: "You're welcome"


Wha abou Micks Wedge?


----------



## islayhawk

Sandyn said:


> I caught my son chewing on an electric cable, so I've grounded him!!


I assume he is a live


----------



## Doug B




----------



## andy hamilton

islayhawk said:


> I assume he is a live


Luckily he had his Eartha Kitt


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Sandyn

islayhawk said:


> I assume he is a live


I'll just take a neutral stance on the question...I'm a down to earth person, but in my current situation, I do have a lot of potential....... please!! no more!


----------



## Linus

Sandyn said:


> I'll just take a neutral stance on the question...I'm a down to earth person, but in my current situation, I do have a lot of potential....... please!! no more!


 Don't worry, it's just a phase they're going through


----------



## Robbo3

Seminars for Men

COURSE 001 Combating Stupidity
COURSE 002 You Too Can Do Housework
COURSE 003 PMS - Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
COURSE 004 How To Fill An Ice Tray
COURSE 005 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas
COURSE 006 Wonderful Laundry Techniques (Formerly - Don't Wash My Silks)
COURSE 007 Understanding The Female Response To Your Coming Home At 4 AM
COURSE 008 Parenting: It Doesn't End With Conception
COURSE 009 Get A Life: Learn To Cook
COURSE 010 How Not To Act Like An ******* When You Are Obviously Wrong
COURSE 011 Understanding Your Incompetence
COURSE 012 YOU: The Weaker Sex
COURSE 013 Reasons To Give Flowers
COURSE 014 How To Stay Awake After Sex
COURSE 015 SEX 101: You CAN Fall Asleep Without It If You Really Try
COURSE 016 SEX 102: Morning Dilemma - If IT's Awake, Take A Shower
COURSE 017 How To Put The Toilet Seat Down
COURSE 018 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
COURSE 019 How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
COURSE 020 You Too Can Be A Designated Driver
COURSE 021 Honest - You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson - Especially Naked
COURSE 022 The Obtainable Goal: Omitting [email protected]? From Your Vocabulary
COURSE 023 Fluffing The Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
COURSE 024 Patronizing Does Not Work
COURSE 025 Motel 6 Doesn't Always Keep The Light On
COURSE 026 Real Men Ask For Directions


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Sandyn

Doug B said:


> View attachment 98886


Shouldn't that be 'Rest in Pieces' ???


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Junah

Doug B said:


> View attachment 98911


Love is blind, marriage is an eye opener.


----------



## andy hamilton

Linus said:


> Don't worry, it's just a phase they're going through


I'm worried this thread is becoming polarised


----------



## Suffolkboy

andy hamilton said:


> I'm worried this thread is becoming polarised



Don't worry. It will only last Faraday.


----------



## andy hamilton

Suffolkboy said:


> Don't worry. It will only last Faraday.


I ohmitted to mention Faraday, even though I had amp-le opportunity


----------



## Linus

andy hamilton said:


> I ohmitted to mention Faraday, even though I had amp-le opportunity


Not wishing to appear negative.......... but shouldn't you get tested for that?


----------



## AES

Nah, no testing required 'cos he's got a megacycle C, and is returning ohm by a short circuit.


----------



## Linus

I can't find a groan emoji!!!!!!


----------



## AES

Does that mean I should do some more???????

(Hat, coat, bye bye).


----------



## Doug B

One for the pun lovers


----------



## Doug B




----------



## billw

Doug B said:


> Don’t apologise @AES I sent it to a friend who knows the song & the singer but admitted to googling Chris Rea as he was having a blonde moment.



Bob Mortimer posts the same thing on Twitter every Dec 24th. " Just drove past Chris Rea on the M1... wonder where he's going?"


----------



## Jonzjob




----------



## Fidget

Name the worlds most hated football supporter?

The Borussia Mönchengladbach fan who keeps shouting..

GIVE US A "B"


----------



## Doug B




----------



## AES

Thinking of Jonzjob's joke about "cheeses", I think it's well know that Jesus was born in a cow barn.

But what's not so well know is the fact that around Bethlehem at that time good timber was in very short supply. As a result, headroom in the barn was VERY limited - only just enough to allow the cows to stand upright.

It's also very well known that three wise men came to visit and worship the new born baby Jesus.

But what's not so well know is that was one of the three was VERY tall - a veritable giant in fact.

So on having made their bows to Jesus the three arose to retire from the crib, whereupon, forgetting the low headroom, the tall one caught his head a resounding crack on a roof beam.

"Jereezus Keriiiist!" shouted the tall one.

So Mary immediately said .......




"Oh! That's a bloody good name. I was just going to call him Fred Smith".

I wish everyone here as Merry a Christmas as is possible under the "stancumcircers" and a healthy 2021. Stay safe all.


----------



## Trainee neophyte

Allegedly, the Dutch language has no word for "altitude sickness". I wonder why not?


----------



## Doug B




----------



## TRITON

Made me laugh


----------



## mikej460

Sandyn said:


> I'll just take a neutral stance on the question...I'm a down to earth person, but in my current situation, I do have a lot of potential....... please!! no more!


This post sounds like a cheap plug


----------



## Beanwood

mikej460 said:


> This post sounds like a cheap plug


Well it's no longer current...


----------



## Doug B

I’m not a big facebooker but a friend sent me this & it made me chuckle more than I possibly should.


----------



## Jonzjob




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Sandyn

The older I get, the less I understand women??

I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas....She said something with lots of diamonds!!!






There was a longer one, but the doctor said it should come out on it's own in a day or two!


----------



## Doug B




----------



## AES

You've been eves dropping in Switzerland today, haven't you


----------



## Robbo3

A man walked into a restaurant and ordered squid
'Certainly sir,' says Gervaise -the waiter.
'Would you like to choose your squid from the tank over there.'
'I'll have that little green one with the monstache,' said the customer.
'Oh no,' replies Gervaise, 'but he's my favourite, he's so small and cute and friendly surely you'd prefer one of the bigger meatier ones?'
'No,' said the customer, 'its got to be that one.'
So Gervaise got the little green squid out and put him on the chopping block, and raised his knife and the little squid looked up and smiled, twitching his bushy moustache and a big friendly grin.
'It's no good,' said Gervaise, 'I can't do it, I'll get to ask Hans who does the washing up. He's big, tough brute - he'll beable to do the evil deed,'
So out came Hans, while Gervaise disappeared in tears.
Hans picked up the knife, raises it to chop the little squids head off and once again the little friendly squid looked up and smiled, wiggling his little legs and twitching his little moustache.
So Hans, too finds it impossible to kill him.

The Moral:

Hans that does dishes is as soft as Gervaise
with mild green - hairy-lip-squid


----------



## Jameshow

That's bad! 

Idea for my men's shed!!! 

Cheers James


----------



## Trainee neophyte

Robbo3 said:


> Hans that does dishes is as soft as Gervaise
> with mild green - hairy-lip-squid


That is truly, fabulously awful. It takes class and effort and creativity to be as horrifically dreadful as that. We stand in the shadow of a giant.


----------



## Geoff_S

Robbo3 said:


> A man walked into a restaurant and ordered squid
> 'Certainly sir,' says Gervaise -the waiter.



Classic, bloody classic


----------



## AES

Of course, you'll all have heard of Ashogi, the brilliant Japanese engineering student?

Being an excellent student AND an enthusiast to boot, with specialisation in Electronic-Mechanical interfacing, he was over the moon when, upon graduating with an Honours Degree in Engineering AND first in his class at Tokyo Uni that year, he was offered the position of Leading Development Engineer on the Suzuki motorcycle Moto GP and Trials & Scrambling AND World Superbike teams.

Even better, a year later, when Suzuki made a clean sweep and won the World Championships in all classes, his joy was knew no bounds.

But as ever with such fabulous stories, there was a dark cloud on his horizon.

As we all know, bowing (formally, from the waist downwards) forms an integral part of Japanese culture, particularly so within the higher echelons of a large company like Suzuki.

You see, poor old Ashogi had a problem - every time he bowed he farted. And even worse, his farts were always LOUD - not stinky you understand, but very, VERY loud! And as a crowning problem for someone inhabiting the upper levels of the Suzuki hierarchy, has farts always sounded just like "HONNDDARRRRRRR".

So facing the upcoming formal dinner to celebrate the Suzuki team's - and in particularly his own - successes, he decided he MUST do something about his very loud "Honda problem".

So he arranged an urgent appointment with his GP.

After a thorough top to toe examination the Doctor admitted defeat and could find nothing at all wrong with Ashogi. He could only suggest that he make a dentist's appointment just to be sure.

After a quick examination followed by some immediate extensive dental work with Ashogi in the chair, the dentist finished up and invited Ashogi to try the finished result.

"Absolute magic" cried Ashogi when, after several pretty strenuous trial formal bowing sessions, not only was there no sound of "Honda", but even better, there was only complete silence - not even the faintest suggestion of a fart.

"WONDERFUL" cried Ashogi, "But I don't understand. Why should my teeth have anything to do with my farting problem?"

"Oh" said the dentist "Didn't you know .....................










"Abscess makes the fart go Honda"


----------



## Droogs

@Angie I demand that we, for the love of all that is both woody and holey,are given a groan emoji

the reason☝


edit

and


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Doug B

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away. 

She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.' 

He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.' 

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort. 

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. 

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. 

She said, 'That was incredible!' 

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.' 

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths. 

After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath. 

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?' 

'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey


----------



## Cordy

Sometimes I don't understand my wife. 

First she says ok have a tattoo if you want.

Then she moans about all the people playing bagpipes in the garden.


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Doug B

Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part !!"


----------



## Robbo3

Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving.
They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says:
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Is, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon."
With renewed hope, they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon, every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Ees a bacon tree!"
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage?
We ees in the desert don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon?
Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!"
With that, Luis staggers towards the tree.
He gets to within 5 yards, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.
Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath:
"Pepe, go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis miamigo, what ees it?"
"Pepe ees not a bacon tree. Ees...
Ees...
Ees...
Ees...
Ees...
Ees...
Ees... a ham bush."


----------



## Trainee neophyte

Robbo3 said:


> Ees... a ham bush."


----------



## Cirks

Robbo3 said:


> A man walked into a restaurant and ordered squid
> 'Certainly sir,' says Gervaise -the waiter.
> 'Would you like to choose your squid from the tank over there.'
> 'I'll have that little green one with the monstache,' said the customer.
> 'Oh no,' replies Gervaise, 'but he's my favourite, he's so small and cute and friendly surely you'd prefer one of the bigger meatier ones?'
> 'No,' said the customer, 'its got to be that one.'
> So Gervaise got the little green squid out and put him on the chopping block, and raised his knife and the little squid looked up and smiled, twitching his bushy moustache and a big friendly grin.
> 'It's no good,' said Gervaise, 'I can't do it, I'll get to ask Hans who does the washing up. He's big, tough brute - he'll beable to do the evil deed,'
> So out came Hans, while Gervaise disappeared in tears.
> Hans picked up the knife, raises it to chop the little squids head off and once again the little friendly squid looked up and smiled, wiggling his little legs and twitching his little moustache.
> So Hans, too finds it impossible to kill him.
> 
> The Moral:
> 
> Hans that does dishes is as soft as Gervaise
> with mild green - hairy-lip-squid


Great to see that one come to light again. Don’t think I’ve heard it/seen it for 20+ years!


----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B

my mate got his girlfriend a present of a pug dog for Xmas


Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes & rolls of fat.


The dog seems to have taken to her


----------



## Dovetail

Droogs said:


> @Angie I demand that we, for the love of all that is both woody and holey,are given a groan emoji
> 
> the reason☝
> 
> 
> edit
> 
> and



Let me see if I can find one.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Robbo3

Mergers

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R.Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!

And finally....
9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang


----------



## Doug B

Just a thought but if we got the Aldi checkout staff to distribute the vaccine it would be done by the end of January


----------



## Robbo3

According to Tetley, the best way to make a perfect cup of tea is to agitate the bag!

So every morning I slap her buttocks and say: "Two sugars Fatty"


----------



## BHwoodworking

^^^^^sorry to tell you this but look at page 1 post one^^^^^

still gave me a laugh anway......


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Robbo3

BHwoodworking said:


> ^^^^^sorry to tell you this but look at page 1 post one^^^^^
> 
> still gave me a laugh anway......


The age of most of the readers led me to believe no one would remember that . . . . or I forgot.

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. (In Germany and many parts of Europe, McDonald's actually does serve beer.)
The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him the jab:
"They don't serve beer here, you moron!"
The German fellow felt pretty stupid, but suddenly turns to the New Yorker with a surprised look, and begins to chuckle.

"And what's so funny?!?" the New Yorker demands.

"Oh, nothing really, I just realized that you came here for the food."


----------



## Doug B

I was in Curry’s with the wife earlier when she asked,
”what’s your favourite Tele tubby?”
”Tinky Winky” I replied
she said “No you fat git which television do you like“


----------



## Doug B




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Jonzjob

Robbo3 said:


> The age of most of the readers led me to believe no one would remember that . . . . or I forgot.
> 
> A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. (In Germany and many parts of Europe, McDonald's actually does serve beer.)
> The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him the jab:
> "They don't serve beer here, you moron!"
> The German fellow felt pretty stupid, but suddenly turns to the New Yorker with a surprised look, and begins to chuckle.
> 
> "And what's so funny?!?" the New Yorker demands.
> 
> "Oh, nothing really, I just realized that you came here for the food."



That sounds just like the canteens in IBM USA. They are dry too due to the Quakers who run the company


----------



## TRITON

A Roman soldier walks into a bar, turns to the barkeep and holds up two fingers saying "5 beers please." 

Or how about...
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.

"You mean a martini?" the bartender asks.

The Roman replies, "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!"


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Doug B




----------



## bushwhaker




----------



## billw




----------



## Doug B




----------



## JonG

Alexam said:


> According to Tetley, the best way to make a perfect cup of tea is to agitate the bag!
> 
> So every morning I slap her buttocks and say: "Two sugars Fatty!!!"


Love it.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## AES

Now THAT really IS cringe worthy Doug!

BTW, do you know why they don't eat french fries in Wiltshire?

Because they have no Devizes for Chippenham.


----------



## Garno




----------



## billw

Paddy and Mick were opening their sandwiches one lunchtime and Mick looks in his and says "oh no. Cheese and pickle again. I don't even like cheese and pickle." So Paddy gives him one of his sandwiches.

The next day it happens again, Mick's got cheese and pickle. Wednesday the same thing.

Thursday comes round and once again Mick's got the same old sandwiches. Now Paddy's getting a bit fed up by this point and says "Mick, for god's sake why don't you just tell your wife that you don't like cheese and pickle?" and Mick replies "what would I do that for Paddy, I make them myself".


----------



## Jameshow

Bill you missed out the funeral conversation with his wife......!

Cheers James


----------



## billw

Jameshow said:


> Bill you missed out the funeral conversation with his wife......!
> 
> Cheers James



Did I?! That's the entire joke as long as I've known it


----------



## Phil Pascoe

billw said:


> "Mick, for god's sake why don't you just tell your wife that you don't like cheese and pickle?" and Mick replies "what would I do that for Paddy, I make them myself".


I worked with a chap years ago (he went in with the cakes and came out with the buns), and one day we watched him at lunch picking the bits of onion out of French onion soup. What are you doing that for ? I asked. Because I don't like onions.


----------



## Jameshow

Well, a Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam'.

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato'.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.

She would eat properly so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring Cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. And Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for those hard-boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy guys from France called the French Fries, and when she went out West, she must watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.

They sent Yam to Idaho PU (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be "in the Chips".

But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Geoffrey Boycott.

"Geoffrey Boycott!!!!", they cried.

They were very upset and told Yam "You can't possibly marry Geoffrey Boycott because he's just ...





Are you ready for this? Are you sure?



*

OK! You asked for it - here it is!

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

... just a COMMONTATER!"


----------



## Jameshow

Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?"

Paddy says, "Yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."



Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor. Mick says, "Oh, no, Paddy, what ya doing?"

Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."



The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.



Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"

Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."





Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him, "do you want the winner of the next race?"

Paddy replies "no tanks, I've only got a small garden."



Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.

Mick "What if one explodes before we get there?"

Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two!"



A coach load of paddys on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going..... the driver won £52!



Paddy's racing snail is not winning races anymore. So he decided to take it's shell off to reduce it's weight and make him more aerodynamic. It didn't work, if anything it made him more sluggish.



Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it. He phones the police and says "Bejesas I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."

The operator asks, "is it tickin?, Paddy says "No I tink it's beef"


----------



## Jameshow

billw said:


> Did I?! That's the entire joke as long as I've known it


*An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman are working on a building site...*
High above the city, they sit together, eating their lunch as they do every lunchtime.
The Englishman, Arthur, opens his lunchbox and picks out his sandwiches.

"I say! roast beef sandwiches. I'm sick of roast beef sandwiches! If I've got roast beef sandwiches tomorrow, I shall throw myself off this building!"

Andrew, the Scot, opens his sandwiches, "Ach! haggis sandwiches! I'm sick of haggis sandwiches! If I get haggis sandwiches tomorrow, I shall throw myself off this building!"

Paddy likewise opens his sandwiches, "pineapple! potato sandwiches! I'm sick of potato sandwiches! If I get potato sandwiches tomorrow, I shall throw myself off this building!"

the next days comes and, what do you know. Arthur has roast beef again. Without a word, he jumps from the 20th floor. Likewise, Andrew has haggis. Without so much as a whisper, he swan-dives the full 20 floors.
Mournfully, Paddy eyes his potato sandwiches. With a final salute to the world, he too jumps off. All three men quite dead.

At the funeral the tearful wife of the Englishman says, "All Arthur had to do was tell me he didn't like roast beef. I'd have made him another filling!"

The wife of the Scotsman sniffs, "I loved my Andrew! I would have made him any sandwich he'd asked for, if he'd just said something!"

The wife of the Irishman is quite unmoved, "The pineapple silly person made his own sandwiches!"


----------



## mikej460

Paddy had a terrible accident on the building site and was off work for months. The day before he was due to return the foreman gathered the workers together and said 'Paddy's coming back to work tomorrow but he lost both his ears in the accident and feels very self conscious so please none of you say anything about it. 

The day goes fine until Paddy meets up with his mate Mick who wants to give him a bit of a boost, so Mick says 'Hi Paddy I see your eyesight's got better'

'Whaddaya mean?' asks Paddy and Mick replies

'Well I see you're not wearing your glasses anymore'


----------



## Just4Fun

Jameshow said:


> A coach load of paddys on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going..... the driver won £52!


I used to know a guy who ran a small coach company and he regularly ran mystery tours with 1 or 2 nights away. He often had potential customers call him before booking a ticket to ask, often very insistently, where the tour was headed. He never told them, but never let them know this was because he didn't know himself. He always waited until a couple of days before the tour and rang round different hotels to find out where he could get the best deal.


----------



## Cordy

Ordering a Pizza in 2022

CALLER:
Is this Pizza Hut?

GOOGLE:
No sir, it's Google Pizza.

CALLER:
I must have dialed a wrong number, sorry.

GOOGLE:
No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month.

CALLER:
OK. I would like to order a pizza.

GOOGLE:
Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER:
My usual? You know me?

GOOGLE:
According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.

CALLER:
Super! That’s what I’ll have.

GOOGLE:
May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?

CALLER:
What? I don’t want a vegetarian pizza!

GOOGLE:
Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

CALLER:
How the hell do you know that?

GOOGLE:
Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

CALLER:
Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetarian pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.

GOOGLE:
Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once at Lloyds Pharmacy, 4 months ago.

CALLER:
I bought more from another Pharmacy.

GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.

CALLER:
I paid in cash.

GOOGLE:
But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

CALLER:
I have other sources of cash.

GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your latest tax returns, unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law!

CALLER:
WHAT THE HELL!

GOOGLE:
I'm sorry sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

CALLER:
Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without the internet, TV, where there is no phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.

GOOGLE:
I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...

Welcome to the future ?


----------



## Doug B

This one struck a cord


----------



## AES

Yes Doug, with me too (but in my - slight - defence, you can change the above 50 to about 65).


----------



## TRITON

Boy Strawberry says to Girl Strawberry;

"If we hadn't been in the same bed together we wouldn't be in this jam now".



> This one struck a cord


Actually, a chap on my bike forum was out for the day in the wilds of Yorkshire. He said he had a sore chest and felt a bit sick, but cycled the 20 miles home, washed and dried the bike then went to the doctor. Oh looks like youve had 3 small heart attacks. 
At least the bike was clean


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Droogs

Indubitably and in perpetuity


----------



## Doug B




----------



## doctor Bob

My wife has threatened to leave me due to my weird sexual fetishes, I said "fine, just slam the door on my c**k on your way out".


----------



## TRITON

Two cats are having a swimming race.
One is called ‘One two three’ the other is called ‘un deux trois’ - which cat won?

‘One two three’ because ‘Un deux trois’ cat sank.

---------------------------
A police officer pulls a bloke over for speeding and
has the 
following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended for
speeding.

Officer: May I see the registration for this
vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I
think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes mate. That's where I put it after I shot
and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the boot.

Officer: There's a BODY in the BOOT?!?!?

Driver: Yes, mate.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his back up. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the inspector approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Inspector: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Inspector: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration
papers.

Inspector: Could you slowly open your glove box so I
can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Inspector: Would you mind opening your boot? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

Boot is opened; no body.

Inspector: I don't understand it. The officer who
stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the boot.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying f**ker told you I was speeding, as well?


----------



## TRITON

An old one, I've just remembered...

Little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while her Dad is reading the paper.

"Where does poo come from?" she asks.

The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says:

"Well you know we just ate breakfast?"

"Yes," answers the girl.

"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bottoms when we go to the toilet, and that is poo."

The little girl looks perplexed, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks:

"And Tigger?"


----------



## Doug B




----------



## kwigly

When I die, 
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, 
like my uncle, the bus driver.
Not screaming and yelling,
like his passengers.


----------



## Tris

My mate's in the doghouse again, last night he was so bored he started re-arranging the wrappers on the celebrations, and now his wife's got her snickers in a twix


----------



## Doug B

Chinese proverb,
A man who says sorry when he’s wrong is called honest.
A man who says sorry when he is not sure is called wise
A man who says sorry even when he’s right is call husband


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Linus




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Linus




----------



## Doug B




----------



## BHwoodworking




----------



## sammy.se

"Daddy what's that flower called?"
"That's a chrysanthemum,son."
"How do you spell that?"
"No wait it's a rose."


----------



## BHwoodworking

cheep festool


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Doug B




----------



## flying haggis

* How Traditions are Created *



> A new camp Commander was appointed and while inspecting the place,
> he saw 2 soldiers guarding a bench.
> He went over there and asked why do they guard it.
> "We don't know, the last Commander told us to do so, and so we did.
> It's some sort of Regimental tradition!!"
> He searched for the last Commanders phone number and called him to ask why he did want the guards on this particular bench.
> "I don't know, the previous Commander had the guards on the bench, and I kept up the tradition"
> Going back another 3 Commanders, he found a now 100 year old retired General.
> "Excuse me Sir, I'm now CO of your camp you commanded 60 years ago. I've found 2 men assigned to guard a bench. Could you please tell me more about the bench?"


"WHAT, is the paint still wet????"


----------



## BHwoodworking

makita's marketing.

on the other hand though, their costumer service is great. you speak to someone that speaks English, not from another company, that their name is 'bob' where it is most defiantly not.


----------



## Sachakins

Two dodgy workers on work site.
" That damn DeWalt just give me a massive kickback"
"OH, De formans name is DeWalt, I just call him Walt, no wonder I get no bonus from him!

🏳 I'll get me coat and shut the door on me way out


----------



## Doug B




----------



## niemeyjt

A small prick and she goes down on you. Surely what you want?


----------



## Doug B




----------



## bushwhaker

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women. Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the old Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.
Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real puppy to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings you can't get it to turn over at all.
New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and very expensive to get rid of.
Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel and the curb weight typically increases with age.
Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases year after year.
This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it periodically.


----------



## Doug B

My girlfriends taken up golf, typical woman hopeless at driving but great with an iron.


----------



## AES

A bit dodgy "in the wrong hands" that one Doug! I take it that Mrs Doug is NOT a member of UKW?


----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Doug B

AES said:


> A bit dodgy "in the wrong hands" that one Doug! I take it that Mrs Doug is NOT a member of UKW?


After over 30 years of marriage she knows what I’m like plus she’s a good sense of humour & send me a lot of jokes.


----------



## AES

Doug B said:


> After over 30 years of marriage she knows what I’m like plus she’s a good sense of humour & send me a lot of jokes.




Yeah, I'm lucky with my SWMBO that way too. Mind you, neither of us have ever played golf!


----------



## Doug B




----------



## quintain

I'll do you a good deal and give you a dozen of my half-crowns for it.


----------



## Droogs

Oh sneaky making him check his maths first lol


----------



## AES

Doug B said:


> View attachment 102946



I presume from the joke Doug, that that fiver is no longer current in UK???

Reason for asking (off topic for jokes, sorry) is that I've got several just like that tucked away from my last trip to UK (can't remember when that was now). Also I don't know (present stancumcircers) when I'll go to UK again, so for how much longer can I take those fivers of mine to a (UK) bank and get my money back please? (If they are superseded now, my Swiss bank won't want them any more I don't think).

Sorry for thread drift folks, I really didn't know, 'onest.


----------



## Doug B

A Liverpool woman has been fined £15,000 for holding illegal Botox parties at his house, none of her clients looked surprise.


----------



## Doug B

Paper fivers went out of circulation in May 2017 @AES though they always retain their face value which the Bank of England will honour, some high street banks will also change them for new or let you pay them into your account just depends on who you bank with.


----------



## stuckinthemud

Yeh but those paper fivers are going up in value as collector's items (not joking), you'd be better off hanging on to them.


----------



## AES

stuckinthemud said:


> Yeh but those paper fivers are going up in value as collector's items (not joking), you'd be better off hanging on to them.




Really? I doubt it here (but who knows). Just FYI, what's replaced "paper" fivers? A coin of some sort?

Again, sorry for thread drift, especially in a jokes section, but it really IS news to me (funny how you find some things out, isn't it)?


----------



## Sachakins

quintain said:


> I'll do you a good deal and give you a dozen of my half-crowns for it.


How many farthing is that then.


----------



## Phil Pascoe

1440.


----------



## mikej460

How about 50 florins


----------



## stuckinthemud

Ok, so, in the spirit of a money conversation in a joke thread, a true story. My Nan, about 10 years ago discovered in an old handbag a half dozen £1 notes, when she went into town she popped in her bank who gave her 6 £1 coins. She was thrilled until she walked past the antiques shop window display offering £5 per note....


----------



## Sandyn

Not really a joke, but an amusing true story. When I was young, I lived and worked on a farm. The vet was in one day to do various things which I won't mention, but he also had to check the bull which meant getting it into a cattle crate. A cattle crate is just a box with a neck clamp at one end, so you have to get the animal into the crate. I had the bull on a rope on it's nose ring. Normally this will work well, but for whatever reason, the bull just refused to go into the crate. I pulled it, pushed it, whacked it, twisted it's tail. I tried everything to get the one ton beast to move. After a while my father came up, looked at me as if I was stupid, picked up his walking stick and said 'That's not how to do it' He then gave the bull a VERY severe poke in the testicles with his stick. I have never seen such a big animal move so fast in my life. It also took the metal cattle crate about 2 metres across the farm yard. Needless to say, from then on if ever my father told me to hurry up and he was carrying his walking stick, I was off like a shot!!


----------



## Doug B

According to the Bank of England there are still 118 million paper £5 note still out there & a total value of £1.5 billion in both £5 & £10 paper notes so I doubt you’re going to get seriously rich holding on to your old fivers unless you have a rare one.
I’ve a few old notes including one of the later 10 shilling notes & pound notes etc but they’re not worth very much.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## niemeyjt

AES said:


> Just FYI, what's replaced "paper" fivers? A coin of some sort?


Plastic notes rather than paper

edit - where are you near Basel - was in Oberdorf (BL) last week.


----------



## Phill05

An elderly lady walked into the Bank one morning with a bag full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the manager of the Bank because she had a lot of money.
After much discussions (after all, the client is always right) the employee took the elderly lady to the manager’s office.

The manager of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her bag on his desk and replied, "£165,000". The manager was curious and asked how she had been able to accumulate so much money. The elderly lady replied that she had made some bets.
The manager was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"
The elderly lady replied, "Well, I could make a bet with you for let's say £25,000 that your testicles are square."
The manager burst out laughing and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked the manager straight in the face and said, "Well would you like to take on my impossible bet then?" "Certainly", replied the manager. "I'll bet you £25,000 that my testicles are not square."
"Done", said the elderly lady "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."

"No problem at all", said the manager of the Bank confident he's going to win this bet.

Later that night, the manager began to get very nervous thinking about that large bag of money the lady had and the bet he had made and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was absolutely positive that no one could ever consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock with a knock on the Manager’s office door the elderly lady had arrived with her lawyer to acknowledge the £25,000 bet made the day before that the manager’s testicles were square.
The manager confirmed that the bet was still the same one they made the day before. Then the elderly lady carefully laid out £25.000 on the desk and asked him would he please drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The manager was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could get a better look and asked the manager If he would mind if she could touch them. "Of course", said the manager. "Given the amount of money involved, you must be 100% sure."
The elderly woman rolled them in her hand twisted them one way then the other and with a quaint little smile and a wink of her eye she said "yes I concede you have won the bet of £25.000".

The manager was elated he had won the £25.000 dancing around pulling his pants up he noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall.

He asked the elderly lady "why was the lawyer doing that" to which she replied, "Oh, most probably because last night I bet him £100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the Manager of the Bank! In my hand"


----------



## niemeyjt




----------



## Doug B

Don’t forget chaps it’ll be here before you know it


----------



## Sandyn

Apparently owls will never mate when it's raining..... It's too wet to woo!!

The people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi do!!


----------



## AES

Ohhhhhhhhh! Angie, MikeK: We definitely DO need a groan emoji thingy!!!!!!


----------



## Sandyn

Just found out that the Queen Margaret Hospital Autopsy Club are having an open Mike night.......


----------



## Linus

> Just a word to the youngsters
Click to expand...




> *Subject:* *FUNDAMENTAL TRUTHS LEARNED FROM GROWING OLD*
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Too many real ones for this to be funny, let’s call it a documentary.
> 
> 1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
> 
> 2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
> 
> 3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
> 
> 4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
> 
> 5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
> 
> 6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
> 
> 7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
> 
> 8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
> 
> 9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
> 
> 10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
> 
> 11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
> 
> 12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
> 
> 13. I run like the winded.
> 
> 14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
> 
> 15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
> 
> 16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
> 
> 17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
> 
> 18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
> 
> 19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
> 
> 20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
> 
> 21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
> 
> Click to expand...
Click to expand...


----------



## Sandyn

Just been diagnosed with the dreaded Peek-a Boo virus. I'm being transferred to ICU.


----------



## Sandyn

Just to remind everyone that the diarrhoea awareness week starts on Monday. Runs until Friday.


----------



## gwaithcoed

Chap goes to the doctor to ask about his hereditary diarrhoa. Doctor says diarrhoea isn't hereditary.Chap says its in my jeans


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Doug B

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Don’t mistake your hand sanitizer 
For ya bottle of lube


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Linus

Doug B said:


> View attachment 103495


Is there an "Ouch" emoji?


----------



## Doug B

Linus said:


> Is there an "Ouch" emoji?


i get loads of jokes everyday to my phone Valentine’s Day seemed to produce some rather venomous ones this year, I did like this one.


----------



## dzj




----------



## Linus

Doug B said:


> i get loads of jokes everyday to my phone Valentine’s Day seemed to produce some rather venomous ones this year, I did like this one.
> 
> View attachment 103616


Would any resultant fatalities be classed as Covid related?????


----------



## AES

Linus said:


> Would any resultant fatalities be classed as Covid related?????



"If the death occurred within 28 days of a positive Covid test". Come ON, wake up at the back there, pay attention. That phrase has been repeated on every BBC news bulletin I've seen during the last (seems like "couple of million") years!


----------



## Cordy

I was doing a crossword in the pub, and said to my Scottish mate Alex “I'm stuck on one across, 
trapped on a desert island, eight letters, starting with M.

Alex said “Marooned”

I said “Thank you. I’ll have a large single malt please!”


----------



## niemeyjt

It Snowed Last Night

8:00 - I made a snowman.

8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snowmen instead.

8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.

8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 - The gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up.

8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.

8:42 - The feminist neighbour complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.

8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

8:45 - TV news crews from BBC, ITV, CNN and Sky showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women?

I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.

9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.

9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.

By Noon it had all melted

Moral: There is no moral to this story.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Doug B




----------



## mikej460




----------



## niemeyjt

Alexa, find me a movie.

Siri: Who is Alexa?

Sorry, I meant Siri.

Siri: Who... Is... Alexa?

Please find me a movie?

Siri: Why don't you ask that b1tch Alexa to find you a movie?


----------



## Doug B




----------



## flying haggis

Cycled to the shop to buy a bottle of Gin yesterday, but then I thought ....
what if I fall off and the bottle gets broken?

So cleverly, I drank it all outside the shop.
















Good thing I did too, I fell off my bike seven times on the way home.


----------



## AES

Doug B said:


> View attachment 103941



Much though it probably does NOT "distinguish" me, I must admit that gave me a good chuckle, thanks Doug B.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## doctor Bob

Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Mick and Sean, were sent for. Sean went in to identify the body first.
Sean had a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad, could you roll him over"?
So the mortician rolled the body over. "Nope, it ain't Paddy."said Sean.
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Mick in to identify the body.
Mick took a look, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, could you roll him over?
The mortician rolled the body over. "No, it ain't Paddy."said Mick.
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
"Well, Paddy had two ar$eholes."said Mick
"What? Two ar$eholes?" asked the mortician.
"Yup"replied Mick. "Everyone knew he had two ar$eholes. Where ever we went, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with the two ar$eholes....'"


----------



## Sandyn

I just passed my insect identification exam  

I got a B....


Did anyone see the recent documentary on TV about IKEA? 
It was in 15 parts.....


----------



## doctor Bob

Sandyn said:


> I just passed my insect identification exam
> 
> I got a B....
> 
> 
> Did anyone see the recent documentary on TV about IKEA?
> It was in 15 parts.....


I think they showed 14 parts but 15 was missing............


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Jonzjob

The BBC were saying the other day that about 1/3 of the different kinds of fish in the U.Ks' rivers are now extinct. That includes sturgeon.

Do you think that the Scots should throw her back in?


----------



## gwaithcoed

Doug B said:


> View attachment 103941


Sorry pressed wrong button


----------



## Doug B




----------



## MARK.B.

My mate David had his Id stolen
Now he's just Dav


----------



## Garno




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Droogs

now that is a kitchen garden


----------



## Timthetangent

Droogs said:


> now that is a kitchen garden



It looks rather washed up to me.


----------



## Droogs

boom boom


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Linus

Doug B said:


> View attachment 104571


Nah they're foxgloves!


----------



## mikej460

Now you can say boom boom!


----------



## Turnr77

Surely you mean Bloom Bloom!


----------



## MARK.B.

Man Code #6


----------



## Doug B




----------



## AES

Doug B said:


> View attachment 104670



Ouchhhhhhhhhh!


----------



## Doug B




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Doug B

A recently married man was in his garage working on his Celica.
His new wife came out and watched him for a few minutes before saying "Now that we are married, you should probably sell that old thing"
Suddenly the mans face went pale and he looked as tho he was going to be sick.
"Are you OK ?, whats the matter" asked his wife.
The man said, "For a moment there you sounded like my Ex-Wife"
"EX-WIFE" the woman shouted, "You never told me you were married before"
"I wasn't" he said.


----------



## Linus




----------



## Jameshow

A recently married man was in his garage working on his Celica.
His new wife came out and watched him for a few minutes before saying "Now that we are married, you should probably sell that old thing"
Suddenly the mans face went pale and he looked as tho he was going to be sick.
"Are you OK ?, whats the matter" asked his wife.
The man said, "For a moment there you sounded like my Ex-Wife"
"EX-WIFE" the woman shouted, "You never told me you were married before"
"I wasn't" he said.

I'd sell it and buy a TVR / lotus!!!! 

Cheers James


----------



## Phil Pascoe

Why would you sell something trouble free and buy junk?


----------



## Phil Pascoe

Linus said:


> View attachment 104935


She's dropped her price since the cartoon was last here.


----------



## Cordy

Nicola Sturgeon is not doing her live Covid-19 briefing today.....

..... as she has to oversee the urgent delivery of millions of phials of...... Tippex.


----------



## Jameshow

Phil Pascoe said:


> Why would you sell something trouble free and buy junk?


Because I like to build furniture rather than shopping at IKEA!


----------



## jcassidy

I bought a CD today; Sounds that Wasps make. I put it on and thought - hang on, that sounds nothing like wasps. Then I realised, I'd put on the B-side.


----------



## loftyhermes




----------



## Phill05

Phil Pascoe said:


> She's dropped her price since the cartoon was last here.



Deflation !!


----------



## Doug B

Phil Pascoe said:


> She's dropped her price since the cartoon was last here.


Covid 19, Brexit or latest conspiracy theory


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Phil Pascoe




----------



## loftyhermes




----------



## gwaithcoed

My wife was reapplying for her driving licence and said she was donating all of her organs.i I said who's going to want your cold heart Thats when the fight started


----------



## Sachakins

gwaithcoed said:


> My wife was reapplying for her driving licence and said she was donating all of her organs.i I said who's going to want your cold heart Thats when the fight started


Thats lucky, chance to fight, I don't think I would have seen the 2x4 coming before I hit the floor face first.....


----------



## mikej460

gwaithcoed said:


> My wife was reapplying for her driving licence and said she was donating all of her organs.i I said who's going to want your cold heart Thats when the fight started


Bit of a high price for a driving license...


----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Linus




----------



## Stan

Two men went out poaching rabbits, each armed with a shotgun. A hang glider flew overhead so the first man raised his shotgun and let fly.

2nd man: "hey, what was that?"

1st man: "I don't know, but I made it let go of that bloke".


----------



## Doug B

A woman is in a jewellers admiring a large diamond ring, as she leans down for a closer look a little trump slips out, hoping no one noticed she asks “how much is that one”

The jeweller replies “madam if just looking at it caused you to fart I dread to think what you’ll do if I tell you the price”


----------



## Stan

A man walks into a bar.

Ouch!!!


----------



## gwaithcoed

A dyslexic man walks into a bra


----------



## Sachakins

gwaithcoed said:


> A dyslexic man walks into a bra


Was he KO?


----------



## Phil Pascoe

Dyslexics lure, KO.


----------



## Linus

Driving our kids nuts!

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.

"Like sitting around the pool, drinking wine isn't a good thing?” I asked.

Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.

She is "only thinking of me," she said, and suggested I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the fellas. I did and when I got home, I decided to play a prank on her. I sent her an e-mail saying that I had joined the Senior Parachute Club.

She replied, "Are you nuts? You're 72-years-old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I told her that I even had a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.

Immediately, she telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"Oh man, am I in trouble," I said, "I signed up for five jumps a week!"

The line went dead.


Life as a Senior Citizen isn't getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.


----------



## Linus

Future project for someone?


----------



## Just4Fun

What does DNA stand for?












National Dysleksia Association.


----------



## Jameshow

I always though that dyslexic was the most inappropriate word to describe a difficulty related to word recognition and spelling....! 

Cheers James


----------



## Doug B

A dyslexic skier was entered into the down hill slalom he was getting ready for the event when it occurred to him he wasn’t sure if he should zig zag or zag zig, so seeing another likely competitor he approached him & asked,

”excused me in the slalom should I zig zag or zag zig”

“Im sorry I don’t know “ came the reply “I’m a tobogganist“

”Oh in that case can I have 20 Benson & Hedges & a lottery ticket”


----------



## Stan

A young woman was stopped by police for driving too fast in a 30 zone. The officer reached for his book of tickets and the conversation went like this.

Woman: But officer, I thought that if a pretty young woman fluttered her eyelashes at an officer he would let her off with just a verbal warning.

Officer: That's right miss, but in your case you do not have to say anything, but anything you do say can and may be used in evidence. ( Opens ticket book....)


----------



## dzj




----------



## Stan

Three things I learned when I joined up a few years ago now:

1. Don't ask where you're going. It's pointless because you have no say in the matter.

2. Don't ask what you are going to do when you get there because even the officers don't know.

3. Never ever ask the cook what he is serving up for scran, because even he doesn't know what it used to be!


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Ozi

We could do the same with Boris and the Muppets but it would spoil it for the few people who still believe a word he says.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Doug B




----------



## MARK.B.




----------



## Sachakins

MARK.B. said:


>


There's just no telling some people, those camouflage just won't protect him from a forthcoming circumcision


----------



## Linus

Anybody feeling hungry?





Your browser is not able to display this video.


----------



## niemeyjt




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Doug B




----------



## mikej460

The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for the Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a report on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 4 seconds without proper equipment, where as Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 6 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team. However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for!

At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouser pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 4 seconds, but within 10 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the McClaren team for 10 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Carlos Sainz's bird in the shower...


----------



## Linus

How annoying


----------



## Doug B

A husband frantically calls hotel management from his hotel room, "Please come fast I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she will jump out the window of your hotel". .The manager responded, "Sir that's a personal matter. .
Husband: "The window won't open! That's a maintenance matter !"


----------



## TRITON




----------



## Doug B




----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Stan

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you.


----------



## niemeyjt

The early bird catches the worm . . . but the second mouse gets the cheese.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## bushwhaker

What's the difference between hungry and horny?
Blonde: Where you stick the cucumber.

---

I'm trying to figure out how much I usually spend on a bottle of wine.
So far it's looking to be about half an hour.


----------



## Phil Pascoe

bushwhaker said:


> What's the difference between hungry and horny?
> Blonde: Where you stick the cucumber.



A distant relative was an ambulance driver - he took a woman to A&E twice for a broken cucumber in an awkward place.


----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Doug B




----------



## joethedrummer

Doug B said:


> View attachment 105647


,, sure, some dick will buy it ,,


----------



## niemeyjt

A cabbie picks up a Nun. The cab driver stares at her. 

She asks him why he’s staring and he says “I’ve always had a fantasy to kiss a nun.” 

She says “I’ll kiss you if you’re single and Catholic.” The cab driver says “I’m both!” 

The nun says “Pull into an alley” The nun then kisses him in a way that would make a hooker blush. 

Back in the cab, though, the driver starts crying. “I lied to a Nun. I’m married and Jewish.” 

The nun says “That’s OK sweetie. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a fancy dress party”


----------



## Cordy

Meg Markle was visiting a primary school class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meaning.
The teacher asked Meghan if she would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy".
So the the attention seeking soap star asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills
him, that would be a 'tragedy'".
" No," said Meghan, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained Meghan "That's what we would call a great loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered.
Meghan searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?"
Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet
voice he said: "If the aeroplane carrying you and your husband was
struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that
would be a tragedy.
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Meghan. "That's
right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a bleedin' accident either.


----------



## Sandyn




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Stan

A young couple were walking arm in arm across Red square Moscow one evening, when it began to rain. A playful argument began as to whether it was snowing or raining. This went on for a few minutes without reaching any conclusion until:

Him: It's obviously raining. Look. See that soldier on guard over there, that's my friend Rudolf. He knows about these things. Let's go and ask him.

She reluctantly agrees. They go over and speak to Rudolf who after careful thought, concedes that it is raining. After all, one must consider the party line before making official announcements.

The man then turns to his love and says triumphantly "see! Rudolf the Red knows rain dear".


----------



## Sachakins

A wife was upset about her breast size, and ask her husband to pay for an enlargement.
"No need to spend all that money darling, you could just wipe them daily with toilet roll."
Why, is that an old remedy she asked 
Well you've been doing it on your ass for years and its huge now.
Apparantly husband never saw what him,


----------



## flying haggis

Sachakins said:


> A wife was upset about her breast size, and ask her husband to pay for an enlargement.
> "No need to spend all that money darling, you could just wipe them daily with toilet roll."
> Why, is that an old remedy she asked
> Well you've been doing it on your ass for years and its huge now.
> Apparantly husband never saw what hit him,


 fixed it for you


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Doug B

A woman in her fifties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The KEY," where a small key is placed
on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect
of a brand new face lift.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Key."
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key, and the effects were wonderful -- the
woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon
with two problems.
"All these years, everything has been working just fine.
I've had to turn the key and I've always loved the results.
But now I've developed two annoying problems:
First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts"
She said, "No point asking about the beard then..........."


----------



## Doug B




----------



## bushwhaker

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.


----------



## Stan

Two old ladies were sitting in their deck chairs on the beach, when a handsome young male streaker ran past.

One had a stroke. The other couldn't reach.


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B

Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one.
After looking through her knicker drawer & finding a nurses outfit, a french maids outfit & a police woman’s uniform he finally decided........
If she can’t hold a job down she wasn’t the girl for him


----------



## bushwhaker

A young guy moved to Sydney and went to a big department store looking for a job.

The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid replied, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."

The manager liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down. "How many sales did you make today?"

The kid said, "One."

The manager groaned, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid said, "$101,237.64."

The manager exclaimed in disbelief, "$101,237.64? What did you sell him?"

The kid said, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Hains Hunter.

The kid continued, "Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Pajero."

The manager said, "You mean a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?!"

The kid replied, "No no no, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, "Well, since your weekend's screwed, you might as well go fishing."


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Donald Sinclair

Doug B said:


> View attachment 105787


Reference to Conway Twitty track ?


----------



## Donald Sinclair

Doug B said:


> View attachment 105787


Country music fans may recognise the reference to a Conway Twitty track


----------



## Doug B




----------



## BHwoodworking

what do you call a fish with no eyes.















fshhh

ok, i'll go and get my coat.


----------



## Just4Fun

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
No idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Still no idea.


----------



## Linus

Someone has been peeking in the Xmas crackers


----------



## BEE13

MAN RULES

AT LAST A GUY HAS TAKEN THE TIME TO WRITE THIS ALL DOWN
FINALLY, the guys' side of the story. ( I MUST ADMIT, IT'S PRETTY GOOD.) 

WE ALWAYS HEAR 'THE RULES' FROM THE FEMALE SIDE 
NOW HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE 

THESE ARE OUR RULES!

PLEASE NOTE. THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED #1 ON PURPOSE!

1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.

1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT. YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN. WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN. YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.

1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.

1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE: 

SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!
STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!
OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!
JUST SAY IT!

1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.

1.. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO. SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.

1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT. IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS. 

1. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE. DON'T ASK US.

1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE.

1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE. NOT BOTH.
IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.

1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS.

1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE...

1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS..
PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.

1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY 'NOTHING,' WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG. WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.

1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR..

1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE...REALLY. 

1.. DON'T ASK US WHAT WE'RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS FOOTBALL OR MOTOR SPORTS.

1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.

1 .. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.

1. I AM IN SHAPE.  ROUND IS A SHAPE!

1.. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS. YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT.. BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING...

PASS THIS TO AS MANY MEN AS YOU CAN - TO GIVE THEM A LAUGH... 

PASS THIS TO AS MANY WOMEN AS YOU CAN - TO GIVE THEM A BIGGER LAUGH, BECAUSE ITS TRUE!


----------



## sammy.se

BEE13 said:


> MAN RULES
> 
> AT LAST A GUY HAS TAKEN THE TIME TO WRITE THIS ALL DOWN
> FINALLY, the guys' side of the story. ( I MUST ADMIT, IT'S PRETTY GOOD.)
> 
> WE ALWAYS HEAR 'THE RULES' FROM THE FEMALE SIDE
> NOW HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE
> 
> THESE ARE OUR RULES!
> 
> PLEASE NOTE. THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED #1 ON PURPOSE!
> 
> 1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.
> 
> 1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT. YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN. WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN. YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.
> 
> 1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.
> 
> 1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:
> 
> SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!
> STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!
> OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!
> JUST SAY IT!
> 
> 1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.
> 
> 1.. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO. SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.
> 
> 1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT. IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.
> 
> 1. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE. DON'T ASK US.
> 
> 1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE.
> 
> 1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE. NOT BOTH.
> IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.
> 
> 1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS.
> 
> 1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE...
> 
> 1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS..
> PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.
> 
> 1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY 'NOTHING,' WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG. WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.
> 
> 1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR..
> 
> 1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE...REALLY.
> 
> 1.. DON'T ASK US WHAT WE'RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS FOOTBALL OR MOTOR SPORTS.
> 
> 1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.
> 
> 1 .. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.
> 
> 1. I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE!
> 
> 1.. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS. YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT.. BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING...
> 
> PASS THIS TO AS MANY MEN AS YOU CAN - TO GIVE THEM A LAUGH...
> 
> PASS THIS TO AS MANY WOMEN AS YOU CAN - TO GIVE THEM A BIGGER LAUGH, BECAUSE ITS TRUE!



Number 1 is my favourite


----------



## sammy.se

What do you call a man with no shins?


.


.


.

Tony.


----------



## Stan

What do you call a man with a spade in his head? Doug.
What do you call a man without a spade in his head? Douglas


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Stan

A tramp walks into a posh restaurant, sits down at a free table and wipes his nose on the tablecloth. He then begins to peruse the menu.

A smartly dressed waiter comes over, looks down his nose at the tramp and asks him in a haughty voice if he requires service. The waiter doesn't call security. He is a little cautious as sometimes they get some very eccentric millionaires and this apparent tramp could be one.

The conversation goes like this:

Waiter: (snootily) May I help you sir?

Tramp: ( farts loudly ), 'Ere, I'll 'ave some of that there gattox.

W: (baffled) I'm sorry sir, what was that?

T: (points to 'gateaux' on the menu) Look! Gattox.

W: Oh sir. That's 'gateau' (drawing out the last syllable with a superior tone in his voice).

T: Yer, well some of that then. How much is it?

W: Thirty pounds a slice sir.

T: What? (stands up). Well bolleau to that then! ( storms out).


----------



## Sandyn

Not a joke but one of the stupid things that seems to happen to me. I was at the hairdresser, almost finished the cut. The guy asked if I wanted my ears and eyebrows done, "fine" I said. He then gets this humongous cotton bud, dipped it in a jar of meths, set it alight and starts flicking it in my ear. I've had this done before, but was a bit horrified at the size of the flame on the cotton bud, then even more horrified to see my ear burst into flames. That was painful enough, but what really hurt was getting slapped on the head as the hairdresser frantically tried to extinguish my ear. It was over in a flash....no real damage done. I couldn't stop laughing because of the actions of the hairdresser and the look on his face. A very Fawlty Towers/Manuel moment.


----------



## dangles

I had a terrible shock yesterday when I saw a cockroach in
the kitchen.I emptied all the cupboards out and scrubbed the kitchen
from top to bottom.
I caught the wife putting one in the bathroom this morning.


----------



## mikej460

Just4Fun said:


> What do you call a deer with no eyes?
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> No idea.
> 
> What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> Still no idea.


what do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs during the rut?




Still no f&^king idea


----------



## Droogs

Having the need to make a repair at home this morning and needing to cut a couple ofshelves, I grabbed my trusty panel saw and relied on on my muscle memory to get me through, having not done anything during the lockdown. Having apparently escaped the deadly covid it appears that my muscles have developed alzheimers


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Doug B




----------



## loftyhermes




----------



## Oraclebhoy

Following on from the “what do you call a man with ....” jokes, if already covered then sorry.

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff.


What do you call a man with a car on his head?
Jack.


----------



## Oraclebhoy

What’s green, has four legs, 22 balls and if it fell out of a tree into you, it would kill you?

A snooker table.


----------



## Droogs

What do you call a Spanish lady with one tooth

Juanitta



What do you call a Dundonian girl with her head in the oven


Bridie



What do you call an Arab with a slice of bacon on his head

Hamead







What do you call an Arab with 2 slices of bacon on his head


Mohamead






What do you call an Arab standing between 2 houses with 2 slices of bacon on his head


Mohamead Ali





What do you call a cold Arab with 2 slices of bacon on his head standing between 2 houses

Sheik Mohamhead Ali


(Those were my favourite jokes as an 8 year old and I've never forgotten them)


----------



## Stan

A drunk staggers out of the pub late in the evening. The cold air hits him, and he throws up all over a small dog tied to a nearby post. He looks at the dog for a moment or two and then says, "that's funny, I don't remember eating that!"


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## mikej460

What do you call a man in a raincoat?

Mac

What do you call a man with two raincoats?

Max

What do you can a man with two raincoats standing in a churchyard?

Max Bygraves


----------



## Doug B

oh the irony


----------



## Reginald

mikej460 said:


> what do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs during the rut?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Still no f&^king idea


What's purple and dangerous
A plum with a machine gun


----------



## gcusick

While we’re here:

What do you call a woman with one leg longer than the othe?







Eileen






And what do you call a Japanese woman with one leg longer than the other?







Irene


Thanks - you’ve been a wonderful audienc!


----------



## Stan

What is the last thing that goes through a fly's mind when it hits the windscreen of a car?

Its bum.


----------



## Tris

What do you call a man with a rabbit up his backside? 








Warren


What do you call a man with a plank on his head? 





Edward

What do you call a man with three planks on his head? 




Edward Woodward


----------



## Bob Chapman

What do you call a Spaniard with no balls?



A senorita


----------



## MrKenny

Doug B said:


> oh the irony
> 
> View attachment 106200


Prices falling, are they ??


----------



## mikej460

Tris said:


> What do you call a man with a rabbit up his backside?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Warren
> 
> 
> What do you call a man with a plank on his head?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Edward
> 
> What do you call a man with three planks on his head?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Edward Woodward


if you take all the d's out of his name he'd be called Ewar Woowoo..


----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B




----------



## sploo

Three sheep in a trenchcoat? Oh boy. You need to be careful about trying to get in to see films you shouldn't be watching


----------



## Doug B




----------



## bushwhaker

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.
"It's not polite"
"OK", the little girls says, "how much do your weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girls says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girls says triumphantly, "I know why you and Daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex."


----------



## bushwhaker

So, another one

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be
here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of
babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is
fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,
um......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we
can get to work."
"Tripod?????"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's
fainted!!"


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Stan

Three workmates decide to go on holiday in Spain. For the first few days they live it up, drinking, partying and so on. But the money quickly dwindles.

The day before they are due to fly home they are flat broke, so they decide to go for a stroll along a quiet part of the beach because that is all they can afford. They find this strange old lamp and are about to throw it away, when they decide to give it a rub anyway.

Pop! A genie appears in a cloud of green smoke. "Hmm", he says. "I am only allowed to grant three wishes, so it's just one each I'm afraid".

The first guy says, "I'm fed up just being a factory worker with no prospects. I would like to be skipper of my own yacht in the Mediterranean, with a lovely companion, and a million pounds in the bank so it will all last". Pow! He disappears in a cloud of orange smoke to find himself on a shiny new 60foot yacht, beautiful sunshine and gorgeous waves. A cold beer is in his hand and a seductive bikini-clad blonde next to him. He checks his bank account with a state of the art mobile and finds, sure enough, he has a million pounds.

The second guy says "yeah, I hate boring low paid work". He decides to outdo the first guy. "I would like to live in a mansion on my own Pacific island, with servants to do all the work, a flock of lovely ladies and a billion pounds in the bank to fund it all". BOOM! He disappears in a cloud of red smoke. He finds himself on a sunlounger on a silvery beach, iced cocktail in hand while one beautiful woman massages his shoulders and another manicures his toenails. A servant in a white uniform walks down a marble stairway from a gleaming white house. He deferentially profers a silver tray on which is an envelope. The second guy opens it and finds it is a letter from his bank confirming he has £1billion.

The third guy says, "huh! I'm the supervisor of those two layabouts, and I want them back on the shop floor first thing Monday morning".


----------



## Doug B

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:
First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second guy: "That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word.
So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend.
What's the deal?"
Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or sex," and she said, "Wear sun-block."


----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Sachakins

Doug B said:


> Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:
> First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
> Second guy: "That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
> Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
> They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word.
> So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend.
> What's the deal?"
> Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or sex," and she said, "Wear sun-block."


There used to be a 5th guy, but he was last seen in IKEA, dutifully walking behind his wife. Apparently he now has a 2 inch fishing hook on a feeder line which she skillfully inserted into his love stick. A quick yank on the line and he immediately follows her, its 2 yanks to go, 1 yank to stop and 20 yanks if he even thinks about going fishing.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## MARK.B.




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Geoff_S

A man went to Harley Street in London, having seen an advertisement for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.

Knowing that nowadays job advertisers aren't able to discriminate against the applicant's gender, he was very interested; so he went in and asked the secretary for details.

She retrieved the file and read to him: "This job entails preparing ladies for the Gynaecologist. You will be responsible for helping them out of their underwear, laying them down and carefully washing their private areas, applying shaving foam to the necessary parts and removing all unwanted foliage and finally you'll be required to rub in soothing oils in preparation for the Gynaecologist's examination.”

Then she told him “The annual salary is £65,000 and, if you're interested, you'll have to go to Aberdeen ".

"My goodness!", exclaimed the man, "Is that where the job is?".

She answered, "No, that's where the end of the queue is."


----------



## dzj

University education, you can't beat it.


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Doug B

flying haggis said:


> View attachment 106781


Got sent that photo with the tag line I can’t recommend Astra & Zeneca enough


----------



## Doug B




----------



## niemeyjt

In similar vein.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Stan

A man walks into a petshop.

Man: I'd like to buy a blue budgie please.

Shopkeeper: Sorry sir, we've only got green ones.

M: That's ok, I'll take a green one and repaint it blue.

S: You can't do that sir! You'll kill it!

M: OK. I'll take a green one anyway.

The man buys a green budgie, cage etc and walks out.

***

The next day, the man returns to the petshop.

M: You know that green budgie you sold me?

S: ( apprehensively ) Yes?

M: It died.

S: What did I say? I told you that if you painted it, you would kill it!

M: ( defensively ) Oh no. It didn't die when I tried to paint it. It died when I tried to get the old paint off.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Phil Pascoe

I knew that, I went to his funfair.


----------



## kinverkid




----------



## mikej460

Doug B said:


> View attachment 106946


They buried him last sun dial


----------



## Doug B




----------



## gwaithcoed

Doug B I love your sense of humour     
Alan


----------



## Doug B

gwaithcoed said:


> Doug B I love your sense of humour
> Alan


I can’t take the credit for the jokes, I get sent dozens every day & post the ones I like


----------



## Linus

Beat me to it Doug


----------



## Linus




----------



## Doug B




----------



## DennisCA

Finnish newspaper comic Fingerpori:






This one took a while


----------



## Doug B




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Stan

During the latter part of Trump's reign as president as re-election approached, he decided to curry favour with some influential leaders of the native Americans. Various chiefs and elders were invited to an all expenses paid lunch, followed by a speech.

After a sumptuous meal, the large gathering was subjected to an hour long speech by Trump, where he spoke at length about topics such as the greatness of their nation, and so on. The speech was received by the audience in silence throughout. There was no cheering or applause, but no heckling or catcalls either. 


At the end, Trump was still on stage, looking bemused at the lack of response, when a senior elder approahed the stage carrying a wooden plaque. He was invited to speak and turned to the president and presented him with the plaque. He then turned to the gathering, announcing that Trump had been awarded the title of "Walking Eagle" in honour of his services. This was met with hearty applause. Trump beamed.

After Trump and his followers had left, a young reporter was rather puzzled. He believed he was well-informed about native Americans and their ways, but had never heard of this title. He approached the elder and asked for an explanation.
"Ah", said the elder. "That's what we call a bird when it is too full of s**t to fly".


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## Doug B




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## flying haggis




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## flying haggis




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## Doug B




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## flying haggis

Mrs FH suggested that I should buy her some Essential Oils for her birthday.



Apparently she did not mean 3 in 1 and WD40.

Women, huh?


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## Stan

When I was little I asked my dad what he wanted for his birthday. He replied "a crate of guinness and a bunny girl". It was a quite a few years until I understood why my mum hit him.


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## flying haggis




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## Doug B




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## Sachakins

flying haggis said:


> View attachment 107304



God bless her, and ALL who SAIL in her.........


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## Linus

Doug B said:


> View attachment 107399


Where IS that "ouch" emoji?


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## niemeyjt

I am fed up with Bill Gates talking about vaccines and I am never going to listen to him or believe a thing he says ever again.

Apparently I've got nerd immunity.


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## Doug B




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## flying haggis




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## Stan

If he was knocked down cold, it must have been a black n decker.


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## Doug B




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## Ozi

Phil Pascoe said:


> 1440.


4800 in a fiver sorry Mr Pedantic here


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## Ozi

Reginald said:


> What's purple and dangerous
> A plum with a machine gun


What's yellow and dangerous

Shark infested custard


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## Doug B




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## Ozi

Someone stole a pair of my wifes knickers off the line last night

Not to worried about the underwear but I would like my 26 pegs back


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## Sandyn

I was sitting having breakfast last week. TV was on, but I was busy on the PC, so wasn't really listening, Just picking up the odd word here and there. Didn't have the hearing aids in. There was an article about a female director who was paid a £469 million dividend, but I wasn't paying much attention. then curiosity got the better of me and I asked my wife what kind of business she was involved in. What I heard was..... an on-line decking company. I was doing some drawings on the PC but thinking, "ffs!! how can an online decking company generate so much money that the director gets £469 million??" then the TV conversation turned to discussing how the money was made, based on the misery of others?? I was thinking "Misery?? I really like decking. very therapeutic" Then the conversation turned to people who are addicted. "What??? addicted to decking!!" then the penny dropped...was an on-line betting company. Kept me amused all day!


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## dzj




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## Doug B




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## AES

Doug B said:


> View attachment 107689



Fer cryin' out loud Doug! (Yup, I'm a simpleton, but I'm still giggling at that). "Simple things please ..................


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## Sachakins

Well, its now that time to get...


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## Doug B




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## flying haggis




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## AES

And with the efficiency typical of the whole country, the Italian President (whoever he is today) will be sending a snail mail surrender to Margaret Thatcher sometime this coming week - or so!


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## Doug B




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## Trainee neophyte

You need to read the comments...


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## Doug B

This made me chuckle this morning when I read it.


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## AES

Trainee neophyte said:


> You need to read the comments...




Well that was a waste of time! I for one (I bet there are others too) can't read the comments 'cos I don't "do" farce book!!! IF it was so funny (who knows?) why don't you post "properly"? You're as bad as many of our "institutions" who assume that everybody has a smart phone that can "do" everything (like our health dept who "thinks" that everyone has the "latest & greatest" smart phone so they can use the Covid track & trace)!!!!! Bah, Humbug. (Rant over).


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## Trainee neophyte

AES said:


> Well that was a waste of time! I for one (I bet there are others) can't read the comments 'cos I don't "do" farce book!!!


Neither do I, but I still managed to force Farcebook to open it. What it wouldn't let me do was copy and paste anything, but there are 30,000 cheese puns, so worth struggling with - if you like puns, that is.


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## AES

Trainee neophyte said:


> Neither do I, but I still managed to force Farcebook to open it. What it wouldn't let me do was copy and paste anything, but there are 30,000 cheese puns, so worth struggling with - if you like puns, that is.


 I do, but have no idea how to open it. It starts off (with me) asking me to sign up and accept cookies. I wouldn't even try to go further! "Crrusty old curmudgeon", that's me.


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## Phil Pascoe

Doug B said:


> This made me chuckle this morning when I read it.
> 
> View attachment 108463




Viz?


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## Vann

AES said:


> Well that was a waste of time! I for one (I bet there are others too) can't read the comments 'cos I don't "do" farce book!!!...


Me neither. I refuse. My daughter thinks I'm an old fuddy duddy, and my nephew thinks I'm a conspiracy theorist. Me, I just think I've got principles...

Cheers, Vann.


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## Doug B

My teacher told me I’d never be good at poetry due to my dyslexic, shows how much he knows I’ve already made 3 jugs & a vase.


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## Doug B




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## quintain

Doug B said:


> View attachment 108133


Yup....same notice at West Cumberland hospital entrance we needed to use when I took my wife to have her eyes tested for cataracts. She asked me what I was laughing at and I had to carefully and quietly tell her what the sign said....Her eyes misted over but I put that down to the cataracts.


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## Doug B

Phil Pascoe said:


> Viz?


I didn’t even know Viz was still going Phil, I used to read it in my late teens as my landlord at the time bought it, all the jokes I get come via WhatsApp


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## Cozzer

"Eh up, Frank! Long time no see! Last time I saw you was when you were getting married! How's tricks?_"
"Not bad, I suppose..."_
"Crikey! That doesn't sound good, mate! How long's it been? A few months? What's up? Money and bills and stuff?"
_"Well...yeah...all that...and a few other things...y'know, bedroomy-type things...."_
"It's a bit early for that sort of thing, Frank...have you tried...y'know....experimenting and stuff? You know, dressing up, toys, whatever?"
_"Yeah...been through all that....well...talked about it, anyway. It's just all got a bit....well....boring, I suppose...."_
"Oh mate, I'm so sorry to hear that, I really am. Not much I can say, really. Mind you - here's a thought - have you thought about going round the ....y'know....other side? Y'know...just sort of turn her over?"
_"We've got enough money worries! I don't want to risk her getting pregnant as well!"_


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## Noel

Folk, this thread is now closed. As has happened in the past the Joke thread gets replaced now and again (hence the title of this particular version).
On this occasion many recent posts and particularly images are not something you'd show your granny. If it doesn't pass the granny test it really shouldn't be posted here. 
There'll be a new joke thread appearing shortly.


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