# Christmas Jokes



## Robbo3 (13 Dec 2013)

Three men die on Christmas Eve.

To get into heaven, St Peter tells them: "You must have something on you that represents Christmas."

The Englishman flicks on his lighter and says "It's a candle" and St Peter lets him pass.

The Welshman jingles his keys and says "They're sleigh bells" and St Peter lets him pass, too.

The Irishman pulls out a G-string and bra.

St Peter says "How do they represent Christmas?"

Paddy says ....... "They're Carol's”


----------



## Robbo3 (13 Dec 2013)

A Christmas Tree Tradition

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

So, frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. 

He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"


And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.


----------



## Robbo3 (13 Dec 2013)

HSE Guidance for the Christmas period - singing of 'Festive Songs' 

The Rocking Song
Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.

Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.


Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.


While Shepherds Watched
While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around

The union of Shepherd's has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.
Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.


Little Donkey
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load 

The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.


We Three Kings
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star 

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher.
We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.


Rudolph the red nosed reindeer
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.


----------



## AndyMenz (17 Dec 2013)

Robbo3":3lh8r1k7 said:


> Paddy says ....... "They're Carol's”



=D> :lol: =D> :lol: =D> :lol: =D> :lol:


----------



## markturner (17 Dec 2013)

All great! The last one....excellent, .......however, if only it was not so true. Kind of makes me sad really, how far down the road of this nonsense we have gone, and no chance of winding things back. Ho Hum.........


----------



## AES (17 Dec 2013)

Goodies, thanks!

AES


----------



## Racers (17 Dec 2013)

I've bought my wife a bath bomb for Christmas again, I hope this one doesn't just fizz!

Pete


----------



## wellywood (17 Dec 2013)

Everyone's heard of Rudolph but have you heard about Randolph the Brown Nosed Reindeer?
He's second in line to Rudolph and just as fast but he can't stop as quick.


----------



## MMUK (17 Dec 2013)

Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

Why doesn't Santa have any kids?  Because he only comes once a year and when he does, it's down the chimney.

Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time?  Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them. 

What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus? Santa stopped at three Ho's

How does a Jew celebrate Christmas? He puts a parking meter on the roof :-" 

Why are Christmas trees better than men? Even the small ones give satisfaction

How many reindeer does it take to change a light bulb? Eight! One to screw in the bulb and seven to hold Rudolf down


----------



## joethedrummer (20 Dec 2013)

Pretty sure I know what my wife"s getting me for Christmas. When I guessed, "a threesome with her younger sister?" she got all angry like I had spoiled the surprise.


----------



## MMUK (20 Dec 2013)

joethedrummer":1f20f1fg said:


> Pretty sure I know what my wife"s getting me for Christmas. When I guessed, "a threesome with her younger sister?" she got all angry like I had spoiled the surprise.




My coffee has now soaked my laptop =D>


----------



## joethedrummer (20 Dec 2013)

I was helping the wife Christmas shopping and had wandered off,,I spotted a young lady and said " I can"t find my wife can I talk to you?",,obviously feeling some compassion she said "Sure but do you have any idea where she may be?",, I replied "No but if I get to talk to a lady with a bust and legs like yours she will appear in seconds !!"


----------



## Robbo3 (21 Dec 2013)

21 things you can only get away with saying at Christmas

1. I prefer breasts to legs

2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!

4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!

5. I've never seen a better spread!

6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

7. Are you ready for seconds yet?

8. It's a little dry; do you still want to eat it?

9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

10. Don't play with your meat.

11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.

12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!

14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

15. How long will it take after you put it in?

16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.

18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!

19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning

20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!

21. I do like a good stuffing.


----------



## fetteler (21 Dec 2013)

MMUK":2l7x47c5 said:


> Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
> 
> Why doesn't Santa have any kids?  Because he only comes once a year and when he does, it's down the chimney.
> 
> ...



Well..... in these enlightened times I think we can do without the (frankly slightly racist and old fashioned) Jewish reference.

Steve


----------



## spinks (21 Dec 2013)

fetteler":qcf3cob5 said:


> MMUK":qcf3cob5 said:
> 
> 
> > Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
> ...




You would think, in these enlightened times we could have some good old fashioned British humour.....The PC brigade dictate everything we do in our modern lives ....lets not let them take over good old humour as well!!


----------



## AES (21 Dec 2013)

+1 spinks

AES


----------



## fetteler (21 Dec 2013)

But it is a _good_ thing to have respect, to be civil and to avoid unnecessary offence. Especially at Christmas!

Steve.


----------



## joethedrummer (21 Dec 2013)

fetteler":3h2jrs76 said:


> But it is a _good_ thing to have respect, to be civil and to avoid unnecessary offence. Especially at Christmas!
> 
> Steve.




Oh dear,,


----------



## nanscombe (21 Dec 2013)

I wonder how many Jewish people would actually laugh at the joke and how many non Jews would take offence?


----------



## Zeddedhed (21 Dec 2013)

Surely ALL jokes end being at someones expense. There's a whole page of sexist jokes but no-one finds that offensive. Why are we so worried about upsetting Jews and not women? Maybe someone has some good Jewish jokes that are overtly misogynistic. That should start a conversation.
Personally I found them all funny, especially the first.


----------



## Grahamshed (21 Dec 2013)

Oy Vey


----------



## nanscombe (21 Dec 2013)

Somehow I think Jews might actually have a sense of humour otherwise these people would be out of a job.

Category:Jewish comedians
(259 entries)
Bud Abbot
David Baddiel
Sacha Baron Cohen
Roseanne Barr
Jack Benny
Mel Brooks
Marty Feldman
Stephen Fry
Jeff Goldblum
Jerry Lewis
The Marx brothers
Phil Silvers
...
And many, many more.


----------



## Robbo3 (22 Dec 2013)

fetteler":25kew1ht said:


> Well..... in these enlightened times I think we can do without the (frankly slightly racist and old fashioned) Jewish reference.
> Steve


Out of the hundreds of jokes that I've been sent over the years only half a dozen were Jewish but there were many Irish & dumb blonde jokes & even more concerning sex.
There are even lists of jokes about Jews being told by Jews as well as Jewish joke websites, eg
- http://jewishjokes.net/
This is what they have to say about themselves,
- http://www.jmtventures.com/


----------



## Robbo3 (22 Dec 2013)

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: 

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 

2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. 

3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. 

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. 

5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food. 

6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 

7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 

8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 

9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 

10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap. 


GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED: 

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. 

2) Wrinkles don't hurt. 

3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts. 

4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. 

5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside. 

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy. 


GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD 

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. 

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. 

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there. 

4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. 

5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. 

6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. 

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone. 


THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE: 

1) You believe in Santa Claus. 

2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 

3) You are Santa Claus. 

4) You look like Santa Claus. 


SUCCESS: 

At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants. 

At age 12 success is . . . having friends. 

At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license. 

At age 20 success is . . . having a girlfriend that thinks you a really good looking 

At age 35 success is . . . having money. 

At age 50 success is . . . having money. 

At age 60 success is . . . having a girlfriend that thinks you are really good looking 

At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license. 

At age 75 success is . . . having friends. 

At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.


----------



## joethedrummer (22 Dec 2013)

Robbo,,,,very good,, I think a chuckle or two will occur at various times of the day when I think of those.
,,,,joe,,,


----------



## wellywood (22 Dec 2013)

A wife's husband has passed away and she visits the undertaker to view the body a few days before the burial.
She notices her husband is wearing an old, cheap black suit and as he has left her very comfortably off, she gives the undertaker a blank cheque and an instruction to get him something really nice to be buried in as long as it's not black.

On the day of the funeral she goes back to the funeral parlour and sees that her late husband is now sporting a beautiful blue Armani suit and when she thanks the undertaker he hands her back the blank cheque.
'But it must have cost a fortune!' she protests. 'And look at all the trouble you've gone to!'
'Not at all,' says the undertaker. 'I had another deceased husband and he was wearing the Armani. His wife said he had been a cheapskate all his life and it would be a crime to have him buried in such an expensive suit. 
So I just swapped the heads.'


----------



## Zeddedhed (22 Dec 2013)

wellywood":2u7w4hxx said:


> A wife's husband has passed away and she visits the undertaker to view the body a few days before the burial.
> She notices her husband is wearing an old, cheap black suit and as he has left her very comfortably off, she gives the undertaker a blank cheque and an instruction to get him something really nice to be buried in as long as it's not black.
> 
> On the day of the funeral she goes back to the funeral parlour and sees that her late husband is now sporting a beautiful blue Armani suit and when she thanks the undertaker he hands her back the blank cheque.
> ...



Thanks a bunch Welly…..now please tell me how to clean biscuit crumbs, coffee and spit from a keyboard and screen.
=D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> \/


----------



## joethedrummer (22 Dec 2013)

I bought the wife a new belt and bag for Christmas,,,, bet once she has got them fitted that old hoover will work fine again


----------



## joethedrummer (22 Dec 2013)

The wife just came in and said if she catches me on that UKWorkshop forum again she will bang my head against the keyboarcchhidbfmjeyhgfijnnxcnlwudhkxkiyajhkutysjuasdnutwhkyjh782ngx hsransigh


----------



## JustBen (22 Dec 2013)

joethedrummer":3w4yl6mk said:


> The wife just came in and said if she catches me on that UKWorkshop forum again she will bang my head against the keyboarcchhidbfmjeyhgfijnnxcnlwudhkxkiyajhkutysjuasdnutwhkyjh782ngx hsransigh


----------



## wellywood (22 Dec 2013)

joethedrummer":1mbmw6ro said:


> The wife just came in and said if she catches me on that UKWorkshop forum again she will bang my head against the keyboarcchhidbfmjeyhgfijnnxcnlwudhkxkiyajhkutysjuasdnutwhkyjh782ngx hsransigh



Ouch! That sounded painful!

A bloke gets a job as a porter in a mortuary. On his first day he's being shown around by a fellow worker and notices three bodies lined up all with smiles on their faces. 'What's the story with these blokes?' he asks.
His guide points to the first body, an elderly bloke. 'He was in bed with his eighteen year old mistress when he had a heart attack.'
Pointing to the second he says 'That one had just won the lottery and he just keeled over.'
'What about that one!' says the newbie pointing to the third.
'Oh, that's Paddy. He was struck by lightning.'
'So why's he smiling!'
'He thought he was having his photo taken.'


----------



## Jonzjob (22 Dec 2013)

fetteler":1t7e2gfo said:


> MMUK":1t7e2gfo said:
> 
> 
> > Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
> ...



So it's OK to take the weewee out of the Christians but not anyone else then? I'm just glad that I don't believe in any of them and I'll be glad when the pendulum has done its full swing and the PC brigade are non-PC anymore. I think that they couldn't have had any toys as children (hammer) (hammer) (hammer)


----------



## joethedrummer (22 Dec 2013)

'Oh, that's Paddy. He was struck by lightning.'
'So why's he smiling!'
'He thought he was having his photo taken.'[/quote]
OK so Paddy and Murphy are fair game,,,,,here we go

Paddy phones an advertising magazine and asks "how much is it to advertise?"
The lady replies "50p an inch"
Oh says Paddy "I can"t afford that"
The lady says "why what are you selling?"
Paddy says " a 30 foot ladder"


----------



## wellywood (22 Dec 2013)

joethedrummer said:


> OK so Paddy and Murphy are fair game,,,,,
> 
> It gets worse Joe. Paddy's surname was Cohen.


----------



## AES (22 Dec 2013)

> The wife just came in and said if she catches me on that UKWorkshop forum again she will bang my head against the keyboarcchhidbfmjeyhgfijnnxcnlwudh #-o kxkiyajhkutysjuasdnutwhkyjh782ngx hsransigh



:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## MMUK (22 Dec 2013)

fetteler":3b3vops0 said:


> MMUK":3b3vops0 said:
> 
> 
> > Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
> ...




Sorry if I offended you but I have Jewish ancestry and I wasn't offended in the least.


----------



## wellywood (22 Dec 2013)

A bloke is wheeled into Casualty, unconscious and covered head to toe in bruises and with a nine iron wrapped around his neck.
He eventually comes to and the Doc asks him what happened.
'Well Doc,' he says. 'I'm not exactly sure. I was having a round of golf with the lady wife. We hadn't played for some time so were both a little rusty. I was playing with my favourite Titleist ball and she was using a Dunlop. We'd teed-off and both managed to slice our balls into an adjacent farmer's field full of cows. We went hacking around to find the balls with no success until one of the cows flicked its tail and I caught a flash of white. Surely not, I thought. I went over and lifted the cows tail and sure enough, there was the lady wifes ball. I still had the cows tail lifted and shouted 'Darling, this one looks like yours' and that's the last thing I remember.'


----------



## M P Hales (22 Dec 2013)

wellywood":1wczsv49 said:


> A bloke is wheeled into Casualty, unconscious and covered head to toe in bruises and with a nine iron wrapped around his neck.
> He eventually comes to and the Doc asks him what happened.
> 'Well Doc,' he says. 'I'm not exactly sure. I was having a round of golf with the lady wife. We hadn't played for some time so were both a little rusty. I was playing with my favourite Titleist ball and she was using a Dunlop. We'd teed-off and both managed to slice our balls into an adjacent farmer's field full of cows. We went hacking around to find the balls with no success until one of the cows flicked its tail and I caught a flash of white. Surely not, I thought. I went over and lifted the cows tail and sure enough, there was the lady wifes ball. I still had the cows tail lifted and shouted 'Darling, this one looks like yours' and that's the last thing I remember.'




Just told the wife  

Any idea how to eat Christmas dinner with broken fingers,black eyes and dislocated jaw. :?: 

This message sent from NHS casualty wifi

M


----------



## Dodge (23 Dec 2013)

wellywood":ymugiv88 said:


> A bloke is wheeled into Casualty, unconscious and covered head to toe in bruises and with a nine iron wrapped around his neck.
> He eventually comes to and the Doc asks him what happened.
> 'Well Doc,' he says. 'I'm not exactly sure. I was having a round of golf with the lady wife. We hadn't played for some time so were both a little rusty. I was playing with my favourite Titleist ball and she was using a Dunlop. We'd teed-off and both managed to slice our balls into an adjacent farmer's field full of cows. We went hacking around to find the balls with no success until one of the cows flicked its tail and I caught a flash of white. Surely not, I thought. I went over and lifted the cows tail and sure enough, there was the lady wifes ball. I still had the cows tail lifted and shouted 'Darling, this one looks like yours' and that's the last thing I remember.'



Brilliant - :mrgreen: :mrgreen:


----------



## wellywood (31 Dec 2013)

A golf pro walks out of the clubhouse one bright and sunny morning and spots a young bloke just about to tee-off. Feeling particularly benevolent, the pro calls out and asks if the young feller wants to go round with him and he'll give him some coaching for free.
The young chap agrees and round they go and the youngster, with just a half-set of old clubs, wipes the course with the pro who trudges off in a foul mood.
Next morning, the pro spots the same young chap about to tee-off and sees that this time he's using a set of left-handed clubs. The pro challenges him again thinking he'll get revenge. Round they go and the young bloke destroys the pro again.
As they are walking back to the clubhouse the pro is feeling very dejected. 'I don't know,' he sighs. 'I've been a golf pro for 15 years. Yesterday you beat me right-handed and today left-handed. How do you do it?'
'Oh,' says the youngster. 'Golf just comes easily to me so I handicap myself. Somedays I play left-handed, some days right.'
They walk on a bit further and the pro, curious, asks, 'So how do you decide which set of clubs you're going to use on a particular day?'
'That's easy,' says the boy. 'I just look at my girlfriend next to me in bed. If she's lying on her left side, I play left and if she's on her right, I play right.'
'Hang on,' says the pro.'What happens if she's lying on her back?'
'Well I don't play golf _every_ day,' says the boy.


----------



## whiskywill (6 Jan 2014)

Superman was flying through the air on his way to a Superhero's party when he spotted Wonderwoman below him, lying on the ground with her legs asunder.
Taking the opportunity he flew down and landed on top of her. 
When he later arrived at the party, his clothes were in tatters and his face was bruised. 
Spiderman said to him, "Whatever happened to you?" 
Superman told him the story of how he had spotted Wonderwoman etc. 
Spiderman said, "I'll bet she was surprised".
"She was", said Superman, "but not as surprised as the Invisible Man."


----------

