# When I am in charge!



## lurker (26 Jul 2019)

I am going to impose an automatic mandatory 5 year prison sentence on anyone who uses the word literally, when they mean something else.

Whats yours???


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## Gerry (26 Jul 2019)

A lifetime driving ban for people who swing out to the right to take a left turn!


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## Marineboy (26 Jul 2019)

No contest - people who start every sentence with “so...”


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## Fitzroy (26 Jul 2019)

People who use their own individual experience to discount scientifically substantiated ‘fact’.


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## Turnr77 (26 Jul 2019)

People who use of instead of 've, you can be the Duke of York or Chairman of Rolls Royce etc BUT YOU CAN NOT BE the could of been or the should of done, it is should've, could've aaaahhhhhhhhh.


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## ColeyS1 (26 Jul 2019)

End inheritance tax

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## Phil Pascoe (26 Jul 2019)

people who use pleonasms such as "automatic mandatory"


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## Bm101 (26 Jul 2019)

Amateurs.


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## Sheffield Tony (26 Jul 2019)

ColeyS1":1mnd1up2 said:


> End inheritance tax



I'd do the opposite. Increase it to properly fund social care. Put an end to the terrible discrimination against dementure sufferers - get cancer, heart disease etc, get looked after at the state's expense - get dementure, nothing left for anyone to pay inheritance tax on.


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## sammy.se (26 Jul 2019)

So, irregardlessly of the previous posts, I literally could eat my brain when people turn a noun into a verb, you know, if I had to literalise this , I'd call it verbalise? But I don't literally mean verbalise, to talk. And end on a high inflection? You know? I could care less though. Literally. You know?

You get me fam?

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## Sheffield Tony (26 Jul 2019)

I presume you don't like things being "leveraged" either ? Not easy with that one myself. I can get levering something. Or applying some leverage. But leveraging something ? You what ?


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## Cordy (26 Jul 2019)

When I take charge....
Break up the BBC


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## lurker (26 Jul 2019)

ColeyS1":vwr6mlwz said:


> End inheritance tax
> 
> Sent from my SM-G960F using Tapatalk



I am too poor for this to bother me.


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## sammy.se (26 Jul 2019)

Sheffield Tony":1l9bn6k4 said:


> I presume you don't like things being "leveraged" either ? Not easy with that one myself. I can get levering something. Or applying some leverage. But leveraging something ? You what ?


I love leveraging synergies, and leaning into tailwinds in order to pivot the company direction.

Also in business buzzwords I'm hearing:
"Dogs not barking": what will catch us out without warning
"Double click on....." : look a little bit deeper into...





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## Phil Pascoe (26 Jul 2019)

Iirc there was a spoof (psychology?) magazine article published some while ago that was so full of gobbledegook it was peer reviewed and not called out.


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## Inspector (26 Jul 2019)

NOBODY wants to have me “in charge”! 

I certainly wouldn’t. :shock: 

Pete


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## Trevanion (26 Jul 2019)

Burn them all.


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## Trainee neophyte (26 Jul 2019)

> Iirc there was a spoof (psychology?) magazine article published some while ago that was so full of gobbledegook it was peer reviewed and not called out.



There have been several. https://www.bizpacreview.com/2017/07/24 ... int-517468

https://retractionwatch.com/2019/07/23/ ... d-journal/

https://www.washingtonpost.com/outlook/ ... e080f09098

Just a few examples. Science is no longer about "science".


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## Nelsun (26 Jul 2019)

People who leave fog lights on when it's not effing foggy. And anyone who's chosen to speak to Steve Bannon in a polite way (however self serving) and those who think that's somehow ok.


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## Stanleymonkey (27 Jul 2019)

Using the word like in sentences.

Journalists who include all the likes in their write up of interviews.

Thirty years minimum


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## Gerry (27 Jul 2019)

Lobotomize people who watch things like big brother and love island.

Oh! hang on.......


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## sunnybob (27 Jul 2019)

all of the above.
But also using "actually" more than once a day (good job my mrs doesnt read this)

I wasnt educated to a high enough standard to have the descriptive terms, but "myself personally" is also intensely irritating.
I like sammy's precis too.


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## ZippityNZ (27 Jul 2019)

Abuse of "you know" and "like"...................


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## selectortone (27 Jul 2019)

It's an _aero_plane, not a damn airplane!

And he didn't 'topscore'. Where the hell did _that_ come from? He scored the most runs!

Feel better now.


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## SBJ (27 Jul 2019)

People who don't understand that language evolves.

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## Bod (27 Jul 2019)

The missus is asleep. 
(That's what she tells me!)

Bod


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## doctor Bob (27 Jul 2019)

Men wearing formal shoes with no socks. BANNED


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## sammy.se (27 Jul 2019)

doctor Bob":2d9j1ecp said:


> Men wearing formal shoes with no socks. BANNED


What about ankle socks that make it *look* like they are not wearing socks??

I think you should all spend a day in Shoreditch, east London with me. You lot would LOVE it.

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## t8hants (27 Jul 2019)

Automatic execution for anyone who wants to restrict, confine, define, inhibit, restrict, hold back or prevent the evolution of the English language, or link it in anyway, to long dead inferior languages of the Mediterranean basin.


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## sammy.se (27 Jul 2019)

t8hants":2zasqno9 said:


> Automatic execution for anyone who wants to restrict, confine, define, inhibit, restrict, hold back or prevent the evolution of the English language, or link it in anyway, to long dead inferior languages of the Mediterranean basin.


Tru dat fam. Real talk.

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## Chris152 (27 Jul 2019)

Depends how language evolves. If it changes to become like trashy mass media, or to normalise ideas that are problematic, I think it's a real shame. 

People who don't indicate when they intend to leave a roundabout - that'll all stop.


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## Garno (27 Jul 2019)

Cyclists riding 2 or more abreast.

Male cyclists standing up on the bikes to get more leg power whilst wearing tight lycra. 

Cyclists wearing head cams who look for conflicts with car users.

All to get Jailed.

Don't get me going on about cyclists :x :x :x


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## thetyreman (27 Jul 2019)

Garno":2jzz3mvz said:


> Cyclists riding 2 or more abreast.
> 
> Male cyclists standing up on the bikes to get more leg power whilst wearing tight lycra.
> 
> ...



don't get me started about drivers, you know that statistically most accidents are caused by drivers don't you, I will give you evidence if you continue to deny this.

you should be banned for life from driving! It's easy to blame all your pathetic insecurities on cyclists, look in the mirror.

I have seen some horrendus accidents caused by terrible drivers who have the same attitude as you.

Its not funny when you are on the receiving end of it and your life is at risk.


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## thetyreman (27 Jul 2019)

thetyreman":yh6sue15 said:


> Garno":yh6sue15 said:
> 
> 
> > Cyclists riding 2 or more abreast.
> ...



p.s good job you aren't in charge.


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## ZippityNZ (27 Jul 2019)

People who quote pages of previous emails only to add one line in reply, should be drawn and quartered!


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## thetyreman (27 Jul 2019)

https://twitter.com/itvwestcountry/stat ... 78048?s=19


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## Garno (27 Jul 2019)

thetyreman":1fu0pct5 said:


> thetyreman":1fu0pct5 said:
> 
> 
> > Garno":1fu0pct5 said:
> ...



I think I will go and crawl under a rock, I had no idea that the hypothetical subject matter of this thread was meant to be serious.


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## Garno (27 Jul 2019)

thetyreman":1g6kfll0 said:


> Garno":1g6kfll0 said:
> 
> 
> > Cyclists riding 2 or more abreast.
> ...



Has an accident ever been caused by the cyclist?
Maybe a cyclist with the same attitude as you? the ones that think it is fine to cycle in the country at a nice leisurely pace, 4 abreast without a care in the world weaving about the road. If you do not believe it then drive in the countryside and watch them. 
Watch them using peoples gardens as toilets whilst your at it.
I have re-read my post and I have not once denied that probably most accidents are caused by drivers let alone " continue to deny this" in fact I have not even mentioned accidents.
If you can not see that my post was made in the same vein as all the other posts within this thread (that being light hearted) then I suggest maybe you put a list up at the start of all threads letting people know what subject matter to avoid instead of going into a rage.


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## Inspector (27 Jul 2019)

Garno":2pudei6z said:


> I think I will go and crawl under a rock,.......



You'll find it crowded under there. Packed with politicians. #-o 

Pete


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## doctor Bob (27 Jul 2019)

Hobby pelatons. no more than 5 riders.
Split into 5's, 100m's apart.
Don't ride as a bunch of 30.


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## selectortone (27 Jul 2019)

There's nothing like the subject of cycling to kick things off. Whenever there's a report in my local paper's website that has anything to do with roads, accidents or driving standards the comments section rapidly turns into cycling armageddon. 

I'm saying nothing :mrgreen:


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## Trevanion (27 Jul 2019)

The Tour of Pembrokeshire cycling during silage season on single-track lanes, recipe for disaster... #-o

Haven't seen anyone squashed by a 15 tonne trailer yet but it's only a matter of time really, something seems to happen to them every time as someone was clipped this year by a tractor I think and someone was winged by a rake tine last year.


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## Cheshirechappie (27 Jul 2019)

To return to the spirit of the thread, people who call railway stations 'train stations' will be put against the nearest wall and shot. If by some mischance they survive this, they will then be imprisoned for life, without the benefit of any luxuries like food or water.

That'll learn 'em.


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## SammyQ (27 Jul 2019)

"Stations"????

Work stations. Sanding stations. Drilling stations. Feckin Yanks and their neologisms that are not actually, just mangled prose, used gratuitously to falsely enhance the apparent worthiness of what the 'author' has concocted...

Bovine scatology, pure and simple.

Sam


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## Trainee neophyte (27 Jul 2019)

thetyreman":2ukf3ucs said:


> https://twitter.com/itvwestcountry/status/1023956564741378048?s=19


In the interests of balance, https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=rmTHk3sxSUA

Note that I have never driven into a cyclist, but on two occasions, both times when stationary, I have been hit by a cyclist doing silly person cyclist overtaking. Two experiences does not make a statistic, however, so I am sure that you are right that motorists do more damage to cyclists, than cyclists do to motorists, or their vehicles. I do wonder how many cyclist-caused collisions are not reported, because a) cyclists don't tend to do too much damage, and b) don't have insurance.


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## Phil Pascoe (27 Jul 2019)

I don't mind them being called train stations as long as people get off the trains there and not off of the trains.


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## sammy.se (27 Jul 2019)

I must admit I'm being forced to reflect on my use of language in light of the high standards I'm seeing from contributers to this thread. I do not think I pass linguistic muster (did I use that correctly?)

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## Fitzroy (27 Jul 2019)

Oh wow I almost posted on cycling earlier, gosh dodged a bullet. 

Up against the wall; the five day working week. Four is plenty and to be honest three would be about right. 

F.


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## Noel (28 Jul 2019)

Fixed penalty notice for the following:

Blokes that have a bunch of keys tied to their waistband
Blokes that have keys on a chain
Blokes that walk around with their phone in the the palm of their hand waiting for that most important call that never arrives
Blokes that carry their phone in a pouch on their belt
Middle aged blokes with a beer belly trying to look cool in skinny jeans, or worse, skinny denim shorts
Personalised number plates
As mentioned, fog lights on with totally clear visibilty
Long text conversations (just ring)
Lidl checkout speed
Ronnie Pickering types
Stopping _on_ the road to make/take a call, mostly women in my experience
Folk not waving/expressing thanks when you stop and let them out
People chucking rubbish out of their car, especially in the country

I'm sure there are more.....


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## HJC1972 (28 Jul 2019)

Noel":1wclxms7 said:


> Personalised number plates
> .....



Always the surest sign of vanity/ self-importance

I have seen both a “MR F4B “ and a “GIG0LO” round my way. Both estate agents I would guess.


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## Suffolkboy (28 Jul 2019)

Noel":9905vfwi said:


> Fixed penalty notice for the following:
> 
> Blokes that have a bunch of keys tied to their waistband
> Blokes that have keys on a chain
> ...



Who's Ronnie Pickering?


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## Marineboy (28 Jul 2019)

Garno":3r6cxnf9 said:


> Cyclists riding 2 or more abreast.
> 
> Male cyclists standing up on the bikes to get more leg power whilst wearing tight lycra.
> 
> ...



Highway Code states cyclists should not ride _more_ than two abreast. Clearly you’ve never read it.


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## Phil Pascoe (28 Jul 2019)

No, it's cyclists who don't read it.


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## Marineboy (28 Jul 2019)

phil.p":jzoqh32o said:


> No, it's cyclists who don't read it.



There’s nothing quite like a sweeping generalisation is there?


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## Garno (28 Jul 2019)

Marineboy":v35xvqv8 said:


> Garno":v35xvqv8 said:
> 
> 
> > Cyclists riding 2 or more abreast.
> ...



Except on a busy road where single file should be observed if I recall correctly.
Wish I'd never bothered trying to join in a light hearted thread, had I of known that some people take light hearted posts so serious I would not of bothered.


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## Lons (28 Jul 2019)

Well at least when my memory starts to go I might still have a chance of locating my car in a car park because the number is easy to remember. :wink: :lol: Where the car park is might be a little more difficult however.  

Oh and I'd continue to encourage the use of bicycles fine those riding on footpaths ( except young children ) adults can get off the bike and walk and I'd make 3rd party insurance cover compulsory on all riders who use them on roads, hopefully at an affordable price.


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## Garno (28 Jul 2019)

Lons":3mtxjkui said:


> Well at least when my memory starts to go I might still have a chance of locating my car in a car park because the number is easy to remember. :wink: :lol: Where the car park is might be a little more difficult however.
> 
> Oh and I'd continue to encourage the use of bicycles fine those riding on footpaths ( except young children ) adults can get off the bike and walk and I'd make 3rd party insurance cover compulsory on all riders who use them on roads, hopefully at an affordable price.



Personally I would like them all to pass a test and get a licence before being allowed on the road, but I'm too scared to mention it on here …. burning effigies and all that.


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## doctor Bob (28 Jul 2019)

I may as well annoy cyclists more :lol: 
I live on the london to Cambridge cycle route, very popular cycle route, near me is a set of traffic lights on the A120 where you can wait for up to about 8 minutes. I've lived here for 4 years and in that time I may have seen 3 or 4 cyclists wait for a green light, the rest just negotiate the traffic on red, filtering in, crossing in gaps etc. My estimate would be under 1% obey the rules of the road.


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## Chris152 (28 Jul 2019)

The problem with anti-cyclist attitudes like some of the ones being expressed here is that they help develop/ reinforce bad attitudes among drivers of cars etc. That can then be reflected in their attitude to cyclists when on the road, with potentially lethal consequences. 
I ride my bike most days and stick strictly to the rules, and I reckon every other day a driver/ someone getting out their car does something that endangers me significantly. 
Joking or not, it's no joke when a car hits a cyclist.


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## doctor Bob (28 Jul 2019)

Yeh but I'm saying I'm in a queue of traffic twice a day and see cyclists go through a red light everytime ........ that's not anti cyclist but it reinforces to me, day in day out, that at that set of lights cyclists chose not to obey the rules, won't make me try and knock one off his bike.


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## Garno (28 Jul 2019)

Chris152":j9cg9g12 said:


> The problem with anti-cyclist attitudes like some of the ones being expressed here is that they help develop/ reinforce bad attitudes among drivers of cars etc. That can then be reflected in their attitude to cyclists when on the road, with potentially lethal consequences.
> I ride my bike most days and stick strictly to the rules, and I reckon every other day a driver/ someone getting out their car does something that endangers me significantly.
> Joking or not, it's no joke when a car hits a cyclist.



The bad attitudes run both ways.

A lot of cyclists do follow the rules of the road, the same can be said of car drivers. It seems to be an acceptable thing to say that whenever a driver mentions something negative about a cyclist that they have the bad attitude.

Because I have said that I would jail cyclists who ride 2 or more abreast I have been accused of never having read the highway code, even though the highway code states that the cyclist must ride in a single file on busy roads and at bends, I have been told on here I am an inconsiderate driver and it's because of people like me that accidents involving cyclists happen. For the record I have in over 40 years of driving never had so much as a point on my licence and yet it's people like me who are causing these accidents. This is also the first time in my life I have ever been involved in any kind of altercation with a cyclist and it's on a freaking forum.

I live right next to the countryside and EVERY weekend cyclists are 4 or 5 abreast on the road, we go over the snakes pass into Glossop most Sundays and when the sun is out it takes us 40 minutes longer to make the journey, it adds the same to the return trip. We have never once shouted at them, given them the finger or gesticulated towards them, even though they are not cycling in the correct manner, yet so far some of the cyclists on here deem it right to make assumptions about me. Maybe I should start slagging them off, maybe I should put the cam footage of them online because from what I see of the attitudes of some cyclists on here implying it is always the drivers fault and there is no such thing as a bad cyclist.

I've not seen anyone even implying they are anti-cyclist on here, but I have noticed people saying that if a cyclist is on the road then behave within the guidelines of the highway code.


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## Fitzroy (28 Jul 2019)

In my experience one cause of poor driving, that could lead to an accident, is frustration. The problem with cars v bicycles, or bicycles v cars depending on your view point, is that they behave differently on the road and tend to frustrate each other. 

As a cyclist I find cars pass too close as all drivers are idiots who are trying to kill me, as a driver i think I’m ok to get past as I know what I’m doing. 

As a cyclist I should get to the front at the lights as it’s the safest place to be, as a driver that cyclist that was holding me up just got in front of me again. 

As a cyclist I will ride a meter from the curb, or door opening zone, as it stops people trying to squeeze past, as a driver if that guy would just move in a little I can get past and on with my journey. 

There are always idiots on both sides of any issue. I see a lot of cyclists go through red lights, and in some countries for safety this has been made legal if done at a controlled speed, but in the UK it’s not so you should just sit there and wait. I have also had my fair share of car drivers bring their two tons of metal perilously close to my 90kg of flesh and blood and then got annoyed with me when my fear has overflowed and I’ve shouted/gesticulated at them. 

I blame it all in those pippers winning all them gold medals and making road cycling to popular, especially with middle aged men in Lycra. 

Fitz.


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## Distinterior (29 Jul 2019)

"....middle aged men in Lycra..."

5 words that should never be used in that order.....and that is speaking as a middle aged man!


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## John Brown (29 Jul 2019)

How about people who write "of" when they mean "have"?
I'd string them all up!


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## RogerS (29 Jul 2019)

I would ban rap. We all know that the 'c' is silent.

Also all soaps like Eastenders and Coronation Street...Too much shouting at each other as opposed to sitting down and discussing things calmly. 

Also tail-gaters. Caravans. Middle-lane hogs.


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## rafezetter (29 Jul 2019)

Don't even get me started.

Mandatory driving test every 5 years, fail it once, get a retest, fail twice and you're banned for 6 months. Drive during any driving ban, from this or anything else = £5000 fine or seizure of goods.

If you don't have the goods or money - chain gang doing community service

Saw another woman driver with a phone to her ear just after 5.30 today, not even remotely GAS.

Hanging for murder and all sex crimes (yes it's complicated - don't care)

Mandatory national service.

Any person who ends up convicted of a crime more serious than a parking fine lose all voting rights for _up to_ 5 years - all persons in prison lose the right to vote at all for the period of incarceration and 2 years after that (and who thought giving them the vote was a good idea?)

MP's no longer able to give themselves pay rises - make it based on "customer satisfaction".

All medical professionals, teachers and associated staff, firemen and police force salaries increased by a base factor of 30% (would prefer it doubled but can't afford it).

Corporation tax increased, plus income from selling of corporate shares over a value of £1,000,000 when said person worked for that company at ANY position in a UK based office, taxed at a higher rate 60% (still less than the top rate in the 70's - basically fat cats cashing in thier share bonuses.) 

Inheritance tax threshold increased to £1,000,000 - so most "ordinary folk" and thier families get to keep most of thier money, without having to pay for expensive financial advice that's often financially out of reach of Mr and Mrs Schmoe (and my father was a financial advisor for St James' Place Wealth Management; Formerly J Rothschilds Assurance Group, since inception in 1991 and previously in the industry since the late 70's - that's yet another "this would have affected me too" situation.

yeah I could go on and on.



Sheffield Tony":fwg07j7s said:


> ColeyS1":fwg07j7s said:
> 
> 
> > End inheritance tax
> ...



So literally, like - what's ur beef?

I'm half with you, except for the issue of cancer sufferers who smoked more than 1 per day for any sustained period, and heart patients who overate and did almost no exercise (and still don't) despite every specialists recommendations, or alcoholics being on the same waiting list as a teetotal for a new liver.

You want to properly fund social care? - CHARGE those people what it costs to help them**, rather than tax the people who were careful with thier money and saved for their old age, then had some left over to help thier living relatives.

A friend of mine was quoted £5,000 PER WEEK to care for his elderly parents, just for getting old and after a lifetime of being a higher rate tax payers, and paying their NI - yet I'll bet there is a high percentage of people getting NHS care for illnesses, diseases and injuries that were "self inflicted".

** chances are it'll also act as a bloody strong deterrant too - yes I KNOW it's complicated, but a line HAS to be drawn somewhere.

Oh and giving birth - you get three for free, after that - you pay full rate (which as of figures in 2017 is about £13,000 all in pre, and post care. Yeah £13,000 EACH). No more council house queens squirting out 6 kids and getting two council houses knocked together to live in.

Council Tax the way it was SUPPOSED to be (Poll tax) - that's a nice fat jump in revenue right there.

I live in a 4 bed house, converted to 6 bed (landlord owned), in a not so nice part of Bristol, and the house is worth £360k with a Ctax rate of £1982 per year or 0.55 % of current value.

My father lives in a 6 bed house, in a NICE area of Surrey, in a private road, with 1/4 acre of land, a 1/4 olympic size indoor heated pool, a double garage, gym and sauna; property value £1.37 million.

His CTax? £3,000 or 0.21% of value.

I'm being screwed.

Increasing the tax percentage on inheritance tax will have the opposite effect, savvy people will sell up and blow the lot or dump it in the myriad ways you can make money disappear - it's hard enough catching the ones who do as it is (remember all that broohaha a few years back with all those celebrities?) - and HMRC already fails more often than it successfully claims what was payable - increasing the tax will just increase the amount of people doing the above and swamping the already ineffective HMRC.

"Higher taxes" for the common folk isn't the answer - never was.

What's needed is more effective spending and less time and money wasted on stupid "nanny state" oversight in the civil services.

A friend of mine was quoted £5,000 PER WEEK to care for his elderly parents, just for getting old and after a lifetime of being a higher rate tax payers, and paying their NI - yet I'll bet there is a high percentage of people getting NHS care for illnesses, diseases and injuries that were "self inflicted".

People who who dangerous sports should have to buy healthcare insurance against injury. That includes pretty much any sport that has heavy bodily contact, even rugby.

(oh and again I'm in BOTH of the (ex) smoker + not as fit or slim as I should be categories, before anyone starts pointing fingers, plus I used to do martial arts and extreme sports; snowboarding skiiing, rollerblading on roads, downhill MTB trials, archery, clay pigeon shooting, windsurfing and more besides - so yeah insurance against injury should be a thing in the UK same as it is elsewhere.)

Oh and if you stick your head in a microwave and pour plaster of paris in to make a mould and you start to suffocate - I'd call that "natural selection". Calling the fire service to cut you out for FREE not an option.

Balance that first mate - then we'll talk.

(far as I'm concerned George Best should never have been given another liver)


Sorry this was meant to be a lighthearted thread - but some things really get up my nose.

/gets off soapbox.


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## HJC1972 (29 Jul 2019)

Is lane selection on roads really so complicated? 

If I’m in charge it would be electrodes on the nipples for those bovine dumb-ass people who get in the left hand lane on motor way roundabouts when they want to take the third (right turn) exit.


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## John Brown (29 Jul 2019)

Thanks, rafezetter, you've made me realise Boris isn't so bad after all.
ANd you might want to consider this.
https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2017/0 ... ank-finds/

P.S. I don't smoke.


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## Bm101 (29 Jul 2019)

Ahh , it's that point in a thread when I quietly walk away from what used to be bit of fun and is now becoming personal.

:|


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## John Brown (29 Jul 2019)

I know what you mean, and I apologise. But it's hard to let such total nonsense go unchallenged. I'll shut up now.


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## Sheffield Tony (29 Jul 2019)

Amongst that post (rafezetter), most of what I think I understand I disagree with. But I struggle to see how you can charge people who do any remotely dangerous sport (or other passtime ? Power tools maybe ?) but also heart patients who do no exercise - does anyone live a blameless life, or do you think insurance companies need the boost of a US style healthcare system ?


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## lurker (29 Jul 2019)

I started this thread as a light hearted distraction from "the bile filled " thread.
But some of you from over there could not resist, could you?

:roll:


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## Lons (29 Jul 2019)

John Brown":11fx42sd said:


> https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2017/08/06/smokers-good-economy-think-tank-finds/



Ha that changes my opionion of the 20+ stone fella maybe mid twenties of age waddling along Northumberland Street in Newcastle this morning stuffing his face with a huge beefburger and puffing on a fag in in between mouthfulls.
Good on yer mate you're saving taxpayers like me a fortune. =D> :wink: 

On a serious note, I was staggered by the number of hugely overweight people I saw today many of them students presumably doing the uni inspection visits.


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## RogerS (29 Jul 2019)

Lons":27i73lth said:


> ....
> 
> On a serious note, I was staggered by the number of hugely overweight people I saw today many of them students presumably doing the uni inspection visits.



I told you not to go to Gregg's :lol:


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## Phil Pascoe (29 Jul 2019)

and don't even think about looking at the staff of your local hospital.


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## RogerS (29 Jul 2019)

phil.p":fteq3qnf said:


> and don't even think about looking at the staff of your local hospital.



Speak for yourself ! Northumberland NHS are the DB's.... Bloody brilliant.

I just looked to see when next I could make an appointment to see my GP. How does 8.30am tomorrow sound ?


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## Lons (29 Jul 2019)

RogerS":2z3j1c3r said:


> I told you not to go to Gregg's :lol:


 :lol: :lol: I never do. I let my missus buy me a sandwich then I get to moan if I don't like it. :wink: 



> by phil.p .......and don't even think about looking at the staff of your local hospital.



I try not to go into hospitals Phil - makes me feel ill.
It's like GPs. never need to go for donkeys years then one minor ailment and wallop they've got the hooks in and it's come back for this and that check. :roll:


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## Phil Pascoe (30 Jul 2019)

RogerS":16bwc8uh said:


> phil.p":16bwc8uh said:
> 
> 
> > and don't even think about looking at the staff of your local hospital.
> ...


I was commenting on their frequent obesity, not their efficiency.


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## Phil Pascoe (30 Jul 2019)

Lons":28b2a7s3 said:


> I try not to go into hospitals Phil - makes me feel ill.
> It's like GPs. never need to go for donkeys years then one minor ailment and wallop they've got the hooks in and it's come back for this and that check. :roll:


I tend to leave without limbs.


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## Lons (30 Jul 2019)

phil.p":2stut3qq said:


> I tend to leave without limbs.



OUCH :roll: That just reinforces my opinion.


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## whiskywill (30 Jul 2019)

rafezetter":3p9utdvz said:


> Sheffield Tony":3p9utdvz said:
> 
> 
> > ColeyS1":3p9utdvz said:
> ...



People who copy and paste carelessly should be hammered. (hammer)


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## whiskywill (30 Jul 2019)

People who use Americanisms such as - 

"Can I get a coffee?" or whatever. 
Say a couple days and miss out the necessary "of".
"Medalled" when somebody wins a medal.
"Podiummed" when somebody wins a race.
Turn instead of bend in a motor race.

- should all have their tongues whipped.

And when did all solicitors in the U.K. become lawyers?


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## Droogs (30 Jul 2019)

whiskywill":15krcuol said:


> And when did all solicitors in the U.K. become lawyers?



When they found out soliciting and living on the earnings thereof are illegal in the UK
:lol:


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## transatlantic (30 Jul 2019)

- "I could care less"
- Ending every sentence with ... 'You know what I mean?'
- Ending every sentence with ... 'mate'
- "Admins remove if not allowed" - like they need your permission!
- Go fund me sob stories
- Facebook posts with something along the lines of "I can't believe it!" ...
- Replies along the lines of 'What's wrong hun? x'
- People who use the wrong lane to get ahead in traffic, and then push their way back in once past the queues
- People who abuse disabled parking bays
- People who when turning right at a roundabout, don't go around, but simply ...take a sharp right.
- Lorries driving 58.65mph overtaking lorries driving 58.45mph
- Social trends
- When you're in a large queue at the supermarkert, and another till gets opened, and then people from the back of the queue jump to the new till !!!! *blood boils*
- People who get their drink, and then chat/hover around the tea/coffee machine. 
- Sales that are not sales
- Other peoples music
- Fashion (stupid hair cuts annoy me, as well as skin tight jeans and man buns)
- Cyclists browsing their phone!!!!
- Actors appearing in too many movies over a short period of time
- The Essex accent



Yes - I'm an irritable man


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## flying haggis (30 Jul 2019)

but trucks are limited to 56mph so cant be travelling at 58.65!!


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## flying haggis (30 Jul 2019)

people who fill there vehicle at the pump then decide that a browse round the food section is okay thereby blocking the pump for others. pay for the fuel , move car then do shopping (hammer)


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## Garno (30 Jul 2019)

transatlantic":3e9qfkxn said:


> - "I could care less"
> - Ending every sentence with ... 'You know what I mean?'
> - Ending every sentence with ... 'mate'
> - "Admins remove if not allowed" - like they need your permission!
> ...



Nothing wrong with any of them ……. I'm also an irritable man ...


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## flying haggis (30 Jul 2019)

why shouldnt you be expected to have insurance cover if you partake in dangerous sports, you chose to ski down the mountain, parachute etc so why if it goes wrong should the NHS foot the bill.

all these tw+ts who lead the police on a high speed chase should have to pay personally for any damaged caused to street furniture, police cars other cars etc. again why should the rest of us have to pay to replace fences, crash barriers, police vehicles etc


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## Sheffield Tony (30 Jul 2019)

flying haggis":1i8gt1qs said:


> why shouldnt you be expected to have insurance cover if you partake in dangerous sports, you chose to ski down the mountain, parachute etc so why if it goes wrong should the NHS foot the bill.



At the risk of annoying the OP by being too serious ...

Skiing is an odd one in a way, because you probably would be doing it out of range of the NHS so with insurance. But there are all sorts of lifestyle choices that have a risk of some kind associated with them, where do you draw the line ? 
- Walking, fell walking, scrambling, rock climbing. 
- Yoga, Tai Chi, Karate, Taekwondo, Kick boxing. 
What about being a fat inactive slob endangering your heart ? 

And going beyond sporting activity, what about smoking, drinking, DIY (!), motor cycling, ... What about insurance in case your dog injures a third party ?

If you head down this route you wind up with the US model - where you might need to find $1600 per month health insurance for your family (that's what my school friend who went to work in the US found - he's in golden handcuffs because his employer pays ATM). Only the insurers will be smiling.


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## John Brown (30 Jul 2019)

What constitutes a stupid haircut?


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## Bm101 (30 Jul 2019)

transatlantic":39qwms2w said:


> - The Essex accent


Think you possibly mean Estuary English as an accent?
Maybe not of course. Bruv.

Here's an interesting concept. I can't cite it evidentially, im taking a break down me shed, but i did a lingustics course once many years ago and it was fascinating on many levels. Anyway.
On accents. What were the most reviled accents in a research survey that I cant substantiate?
Well that's the interesting thing.
If you ask a uk resident, the most unliked were typically cockney, (lets generalise and call that Estuary for this purpose), scouse, manc, brum.
What's the correlation? All very different sounding so why the general dislike? Its odd. Then you naturally ask the opposite. What are the favourites? And it turns out they are accents like south country, Somerset, the lakes, Yorkshire (yes and Lancashire! )
And the pattern emerges. Its country v city. But thats mad. So it must be another reason. It cant just be how they sound because they sound so different. So it's association. In the uk we like accents not from cities. Especially the big scary ones. We like the associations of the countryside.
Here's the thing though.
If you ask non uk residents the same question the results are completely reversed. They love cock er ney. Scouse, the Mad for its,
And yeh. Even the brums get some much needed love for it's excellent accent. Why? The associations held are different. 
Just saying.
Dont blame Essex.
Blame the monoculturalism of the modern age. Might as well shout at the moon or try to hold the tide back with a throne. Canute belive that?
I lived in Sonwdonia for a while. It was hardly Alaska. I had a lovely neighbour in his 40s (i was 20 odd at the time) who had never been to Bangor.* 7 miles away*. I used to walk to Bangor to save the busfair. Im not kidding. But if he was the exception now, odd really, only a short while before the vast majority of people never traveled anywhere over 6 miles. 
So what am i moaning about. Taking time to reply to thread about moaning where I moaned so much I forgot what I was moaning about to people I don't even know to the point I'm not even doing what I was doing before I picked my phone up to have a look on the internet. Modern times man.
I'm moaning because things are not the same now as they were before.
:|
Ohhh ffs... I have become old.


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## Trainee neophyte (30 Jul 2019)

So, this started off as a lighthearted poke at people who annoy, and has turned into a rant about people who are despised for not complying to mid-20th century mores. Oh, and cyclists, but that is just sensible, normal, rational thinking.

The title of this thread is "When I am in charge!" Anyone got anything positive to bring to the table?

How about "When I am in charge, money won't be created out of thin air by banks whenever someone borrows some money, but who never create the interest to repay the loan". It seems to me that if they can create the cash out of nothing in the first place, they can bloody we'll create the interest payments to go with it.


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## dzj (30 Jul 2019)

I remember this in an Essex accent:

Everyone will feel useful in lovely ways
Trees will be firmly rooted in town and country...


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## Lons (30 Jul 2019)

Droogs":1j08pvi0 said:


> whiskywill":1j08pvi0 said:
> 
> 
> > And when did all solicitors in the U.K. become lawyers?
> ...



Strange one this. :? 

Solicitors by definition earn their living by soliciting thereby gaining obscene amounts for little time from others ( expensive prostitution ).

Lawyers do the same but more agressively ( desperate prostitution ) and actively offer themselves on a no win no fee basis. ( cheap prostitution ). Using the telephone to invade privacy and cajole people into claiming for fictional injury.

However a solicitous act is one of caring and concern for others, :? certainly not in my experience. :lol: 

Applogies to and lawyers or solicitors on the forum, no offence intended.


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## Cheshirechappie (30 Jul 2019)

Trainee neophyte":1miub9nh said:


> The title of this thread is "When I am in charge!" Anyone got anything positive to bring to the table?



Yes, I have!

When I am in charge, a Special Place will be created for people who want to rant on internet forums, thus leaving said forums free for those among us who contribute thoughtful, insightful, witty and informative comments. All that's needed is for someone to be appointed to decide between rant and thoughtful.

 


Oh. Hang on - I think I might have spotted a slight flaw in that plan. :? It's pretty much where we are, isn't it.....

Erm - as you were, chaps .....


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## Lons (30 Jul 2019)

I would have these words written into the marriage ceremony, to be uttered by the bride only btw. :wink: 

*"You will never be asked to decorate or paint the house"*

No guesses what I'm doing at the minute, wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for all the ****ing labrador hairs floating around. :evil:


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## Cheshirechappie (30 Jul 2019)

Come to think of it, I suppose we could solve the problem of forum cycle-related arguments by nationally banning the use or possession of bicycles, tricycles and (just in case) unicycles. As an added bonus, it would decrease the instances of crimes against good taste committed by middle-aged men by their wearing of lycra.


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## Bm101 (30 Jul 2019)

dzj":gdpon7v4 said:


> I remember this in an Essex accent:
> 
> Everyone will feel useful in lovely ways
> Trees will be firmly rooted in town and country...



All the room in the world. 
*fistbump


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## Suffolkboy (30 Jul 2019)

When I'm in charge I'll... Do whatever my wife tells me to do.


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## transatlantic (31 Jul 2019)

John Brown":2wkj1fik said:


> What constitutes a stupid haircut?



One that requires me to sit in the barbers for aaaaages, due to people having haircuts that take 30mins at a time! ... and then get their hair washed, and then sit with a hot flannel over their face.

ffs!


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## doctor Bob (31 Jul 2019)

I would commission the best inventors in the world to produce something which shows when some one has farted in a confined space. Maybe a gas in the air which turns green when someone farts. This may stop the lift farters, shop farters, train farters etc they have been getting away with the silent deadly ones for too long (I believe it's often the fairer sex)


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## Gerry (31 Jul 2019)

doctor Bob":7ie6cxb0 said:


> I would commission the best inventors in the world to produce something which shows when some one has farted in a confined space. Maybe a gas in the air which turns green when someone farts. This may stop the lift farters, shop farters, train farters etc they have been getting away with the silent deadly ones for too long (I believe it's often the fairer sex)



Isn't that a smile


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## doctor Bob (31 Jul 2019)

My son used to fart in a confined space and then ask if anyone could smell melon in a loud voice just to get people to sniff the air .............. little tyke.


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## Phil Pascoe (31 Jul 2019)

Cheshirechappie":74h6x3x4 said:


> As an added bonus...


I'd have tautologies like "added bonus" banned. :lol: (sorry, CC  )


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## transatlantic (31 Jul 2019)

doctor Bob":2ofgjqt5 said:


> I would commission the best inventors in the world to produce something which shows when some one has farted in a confined space. Maybe a gas in the air which turns green when someone farts. This may stop the lift farters, shop farters, train farters etc they have been getting away with the silent deadly ones for too long (I believe it's often the fairer sex)



Would also be good for pools.


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## Garno (31 Jul 2019)

transatlantic":2tzjghra said:


> John Brown":2tzjghra said:
> 
> 
> > What constitutes a stupid haircut?
> ...



Being a baldy not only saves me money but also time it seems,
Oh happy days  
.


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## transatlantic (31 Jul 2019)

Garno":11gw41tg said:


> transatlantic":11gw41tg said:
> 
> 
> > John Brown":11gw41tg said:
> ...



Yes, but how much do you spend on sun lotion!


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## doctor Bob (31 Jul 2019)

I'd also legalise drugs and increase alcohol costs.


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## Garno (31 Jul 2019)

transatlantic":30k2fstl said:


> Yes, but how much do you spend on sun lotion!



Not enough, Had a head like a strawberry during the heatwave, only outside for less than an hour


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## Inspector (31 Jul 2019)

Hat. :wink: From a guy that shaves his head. :lol: 
Pete


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## Cheshirechappie (31 Jul 2019)

phil.p":cf99p7kk said:


> Cheshirechappie":cf99p7kk said:
> 
> 
> > As an added bonus...
> ...



Fair cop, Guv.

I shall re-read my copy of Gowers' 'Plain Words' forthwith. If not sooner.


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## Cheshirechappie (31 Jul 2019)

transatlantic":28s2gt8d said:


> doctor Bob":28s2gt8d said:
> 
> 
> > I would commission the best inventors in the world to produce something which shows when some one has farted in a confined space. Maybe a gas in the air which turns green when someone farts. This may stop the lift farters, shop farters, train farters etc they have been getting away with the silent deadly ones for too long (I believe it's often the fairer sex)
> ...



I didn't know that pools farted, whether in confined spaces or not.

(P.S. - Everybody farts, don't they? If you didn't, your a*se would swell up, wouldn't it?)


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## Garno (31 Jul 2019)

Cheshirechappie":1wak8t7k said:


> transatlantic":1wak8t7k said:
> 
> 
> > doctor Bob":1wak8t7k said:
> ...



I had an ex girlfriend who claimed she never farts,
got rid of 2 dogs, and a kitten before I realised that not only could she fart she was also an adept liar. :shock:


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## transatlantic (31 Jul 2019)

Cheshirechappie":1t3bquhf said:


> transatlantic":1t3bquhf said:
> 
> 
> > doctor Bob":1t3bquhf said:
> ...



I meant people urinating in pools


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## rafezetter (3 Aug 2019)

Lons":29c3018x said:


> Droogs":29c3018x said:
> 
> 
> > whiskywill":29c3018x said:
> ...



Oh trust me saying "soliciting" in a court room will get you stern faces and an immediate "I object" from just about everyone except me - coz I was the one saying it - oh and a warning from the judge without actually explaining what I'd done wrong. "I don't know anything about soliciting" - when being told I would have to represent myself after my brief didn't turn up and asking for an extension, which was denied, despite the prosecution being given THREE in the previous 2 years before my case was finally heard.

yeah I lost, 9 points and a £2,500 fine**. Won't ever trust the legal system again.

**Despite reading in the news about a month later a famous person having a crash while intoxicated (I was not it was 10.am) and getting just £150 fine and no points.

_When I am in charge_ police personnel won't be allowed to say "we are going to make an example of him and nail him to the wall" to the FOUR witnesses for the prosecution (direct quote) and still be allowed to give a testimony against said person.

Often wondered if that consituted an unfair trial..

A 70mph RTA - wrong place, wrong time, 5 mph over the limit, on a bone dry day - for my troubles 3 weeks in hospital, and months of physio to get me walking and being able to use my hands again almost lost an eye, broke all the fingers in my left hand and severe damage to my right hand. I've still got a dent in my head from the impact and glass in my face and hand.

..... 

and that wasn't even my first run in with a bent copper who tried to get me sent down for an act when I was not the offending party, but the only one they had to offer a judge.

_When I am in charge_ police persons will all be Vulcan, no bias.


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## rafezetter (3 Aug 2019)

Cheshirechappie":30a28udx said:


> Trainee neophyte":30a28udx said:
> 
> 
> > The title of this thread is "When I am in charge!" Anyone got anything positive to bring to the table?
> ...



We could have a "get it off your chest mate - go on have a good /rant." thread. Only rule, no racism, religionism (or whatever) no errm "hate speech" as it pertains to specific groups of people; dunno how else to say it, you know what I mean.

I'll prolly be first, it's cheaper than a shrink - well actually I wouldn't know, never been able to afford one despite *twitch* possibly needing one.

It might even have the positive effect of opening awareness for some of our members life struggles as most people live in a cloud of "I don't want to hear about it" - which usually means they are then part of the problem.

Like people who give the banal answer of "pull yourself together / get over it" when hearing about someone feeling depressed - real depression, not the new "snowflake" version.


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## rafezetter (3 Aug 2019)

doctor Bob":34wuqwgp said:


> I would commission the best inventors in the world to produce something which shows when some one has farted in a confined space. Maybe a gas in the air which turns green when someone farts. This may stop the lift farters, shop farters, train farters etc they have been getting away with the silent deadly ones for too long (I believe it's often the fairer sex)



Won't work - because those of us brung up right, will hold it in or get off - move away - do something to mitigate it.

Those who don't care, don't care, even if standing in a cloud of green toxic gas. They'll just stand there and look at you with the expression "I farted, it stinks, I had garlic last night, I feel better, do I care?"

I've had people from foreign nations fart on ESCALATORS for deus sake, they KNOW your face is at a.r.s.e. level and they STILL DO IT.

Only thing that might change that behaviour would be "open carry" of paintball guns, and a law that says you can freely pelt any offender with an entire magazine of pellets - those pippers STING.


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## Noel (3 Aug 2019)

rafezetter":qcd3g6pu said:


> Cheshirechappie":qcd3g6pu said:
> 
> 
> > Trainee neophyte":qcd3g6pu said:
> ...



What's the difference between your two versions of depression?


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## rafezetter (3 Aug 2019)

Noel":1i66gxy3 said:


> rafezetter":1i66gxy3 said:
> 
> 
> > We could have a "get it off your chest mate - go on have a good /rant." thread. Only rule, no racism, religionism (or whatever) no errm "hate speech" as it pertains to specific groups of people; dunno how else to say it, you know what I mean.
> ...



Quite a lot. 

It's an overused word, with no real understanding. Often mistaken for "feeling a bit upset / down / discouraged / low spirits / stressed.... and almost all other TEMPORARY negative emotions, that pretty much everyone feels a few times a year.

"I always get depressed around christmas" - no, you don't - you get feelings of low spirits, lonliness, exclusion, isolation, unhappiness and others, but not "depression".

Depression is the one where you wake up and can't decide between getting out of bed and doing something, or going back to sleep and hoping you'll die in your sleep, because it's easier. People with real depression aren't grateful to wake up every morning, sometimes they don't mind, and sometimes they are even mildly "happy" because they haven't finished something and can carry on - but that usually only applies when they are doing stuff for other people, as that gives them some semblance of worth.

There's a reason why actual "depression" got upgraded to "clinical depression".

good enough?


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## Suffolkboy (3 Aug 2019)

doctor Bob":mujjpr94 said:


> My son used to fart in a confined space and then ask if anyone could smell melon in a loud voice just to get people to sniff the air .............. little tyke.



That had me crying with laughter.


----------

