# Joke thread



## Noel

As mentioned here- Another Joke

Please ensure contributions do not contain risqué innuendo or images that might offend, remember and be aware that not everyone has the same sense of humour and a joke you may find funny, may cause insult or offence. 
Our members are from a varied demographic, age and gender, please keep that in mind.


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## Brill88

Joke you say My engineer friend said when he did his apprentice there was some right blinders that went on one story was in the mornings the blokes would hit the toilet with a fag a brew and a paper as they’d be paid to dung lol anyway one of the aprentises would come and take the bets for the horses well this day one of the blokes who liked a drink had a bit much the night before and fell asleep on the toilet and when he woke up his legs had fallen asleep and fell and knocked himself out on the toilet door they ended up having to remove the hinges to get him out haha


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## Brill88

That’s a true story though but rather funny look at the old days of aprentiships


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## dzj




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## Doug B




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## Cabinetman

Now that’s funny!


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## Droogs

Only a brit would come up with that one


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## Cabinetman

Just because grannies are female and old (usually) doesn’t mean they don’t have a sense of humour. I suspect it’s more a variation between Britain and the good ol USA thing. Firsthand experience here – my Pam is American and care has to be used on the comedy front.
I remember in the 70s, American tourists being shocked at adverts showing women in underwear on the subway walls in London.
Your starter for 10 where is this from, " don’t look Ethel , but it was too late she's already been incensed."
Edit, sorry I should’ve said, not everybody knows that Noel the site owner is American – that’s right isn’t it Noel?
Double edit, sorry I got it wrong Noel isn’t the owner but the owner is American.


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## Blackswanwood




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## Cozzer

Caesar wandered into a taverna.
"Ey up, Jules! What can I get ya?"
_"It's been a long day, matey...Senate stuff mainly...and this toga's making me sweat like a glassblower's buttocks... think I'll have a Martinus..."_
"You mean a Martini, don't ya Jules?"
_"If I'd wanted a double, I'd have asked for it..."_

Ayethangqueue


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## Cozzer

And now, an old one....

Hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?
Up all night worrying if there really was a Dog.


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## Jameshow

Just another thought on your age - if you add up the numbers if your planes 4 5 6 etc and they are greater than your age then your in the above club!!! 

Cheers James


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## Bm101

Hooooooooooooo..... *biiiig breathhhhhhhhh* Ahhhhhhhhh.......


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## Brill88

AJB Temple said:


> Noel: "Our members are from a varied demographic, age and gender, please keep that in mind."
> 
> 
> 
> It's about 99% blokes.
> I very much doubt if any have variable gender.
> Most of them live in the UK and understand trade / factory humour. Roughly 3 live in the US. + / - 2
> I might have dementia - I forgot what I just wrote.
> My age does not vary. It just gets worse.
> 95% of members are over 60 and the other 5% are lying or act like they are over 60.


My body feels like it’s over 60


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## Brill88

Jameshow said:


> Just another thought on your age - if you add up the numbers if your planes 4 5 6 etc and they are greater than your age then your in the above club!!!
> 
> Cheers James


The amount of planes I have the number is so high I’d be dead a long time ago


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## Doug B

An oldie but a goodie


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## Cozzer

Amadeus Mozart and Andrew Lloyd Webber.
According to contemporary reports and the recent-ish Amadeus film, Mozart was a composer who farted a lot, whereas Lloyd Webber is a fart who composes a lot...


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## Cozzer

It's funny, the things you hear people say in actual conversation - not jokes as such, but "sayings" that they use without thinking, but are new to you...
A pal of mine comes out with some right nonsense : it transpired that his eldest son "came out"recently, (although it had been obvious to all and sundry for years) and his father had asked him if he was sure that he wasn't simply "bi-folding"....
The same bloke has other little phrases - "Oh him! He's as thick as a Boxing Day cowpat!" is one of his classics, as is the "sweating like a glassblower's ar5e" that I actually used in one my earlier jokes.
Shakespeare, he ain't....

(edit : For "cowpat", read Richard the III !)


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## Blackswanwood




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## Candooman

Blackswanwood said:


> View attachment 108649


Priceless!!!!!
Why didn’t I think of that??


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## Candooman

Cozzer said:


> Caesar wandered into a taverna.
> "Ey up, Jules! What can I get ya?"
> _"It's been a long day, matey...Senate stuff mainly...and this toga's making me sweat like a glassblower's buttocks... think I'll have a Martinus..."_
> "You mean a Martini, don't ya Jules?"
> _"If I'd wanted a double, I'd have asked for it..."_
> 
> Ayethangqueue


There aren’t ‘arf some clever b**gers out there!!


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## MikeJhn

Two old chaps sitting on a bench one says "Now I am over 70 I hurt all over and can hardly Pee, the other says, "I now I am over 80 I feel like a new born baby, can's see very well, roll around on the floor to get up and pee when I least expect it"


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## Just4Fun

Cozzer said:


> It's funny, the things you hear people say in actual conversation - not jokes as such, but "sayings" that they use without thinking, but are new to you...


A Finnish friend of mine is like that. Maybe the things he says are just literal translations of Finnish sayings but I think they are originals from him. One classic was "You don't often find a good friend and a full wallet in the same trousers".


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## dzj




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## flying haggis




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## Doug B




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## Cordy

How many Labour MPs does it take to change a lightbulb ?

None , they would rather sit in the dark and blame The Conservatives .


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## Terry - Somerset

Politics is far too political.

But how many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?

10 - one to change the bulb and 9 to discuss living without light.


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## AJB Temple

Terry - Somerset said:


> Politics is far too political.
> 
> But how many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?
> 
> 10 - one to change the bulb and 9 to discuss living without light.


No, that is definitely wrong. I've met a few social workers and they abhor the use of light as it was invented by a capitalist imperialist.


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## flying haggis




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## Phil Pascoe

How many folk singers does it take to change a lightbulb? One to change it and four to sing about how good the old one was.


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## Robbo3

How many group posters does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

1 to post the url with lightbulb changing instructions (http://www.ehow.com/how_370_change-lightbulb.html)

1 to point out that the link given in the previous post is, infact, incorrect for those in the UK, where bayonet fitting lamps are the norm

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

53 to flame the spell checkers

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames

1 Forum Moderator to point out the flaming is against the spirit of the Forum, PM all 723 contributors with the threat of expulsion if they continue in this fashion 

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ...

another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy"

109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped

111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ

44 to ask what is a "FAQ"

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

I to post 101 uses for a dead lightbulb

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....


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## TRITON

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb ?.

A: Fish.


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## Trainee neophyte

@Robbo3 : a heartbreaking work of breathtaking genius. The only points missing may perhaps have been the correct method of sharpening the bulb, and the correct ppe to use. And push sticks, obviously - no debate about that.


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## Trainee neophyte

How much does a chimney cost? It's going through the roof!

And roof tiles? They are on the house.


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## Phil Pascoe

Robbo3 said:


> 6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ...


 Or whether it's a lamp.


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## Phil Pascoe

Uses for a dead lightbulb? GRP moulds for casting resin paperweights etc. - polish the bulb with mould release wax, grp over it, trim to the circumference, smash the the bulb and it'll fall out cleanly.


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## Doug B




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## Chris152

Trainee neophyte said:


> @Robbo3 : a heartbreaking work of breathtaking genius. The only points missing may perhaps have been the correct method of sharpening the bulb, and the correct ppe to use. And push sticks, obviously - no debate about that.


How about the politics of changing light bulbs? I feel that Robbo failed to address that properly.
eta - I guess that's covered in the secret forum.


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## Trainee neophyte

Chris152 said:


> How about the politics of changing light bulbs? I feel that Robbo failed to address that properly.
> eta - I guess that's covered in the secret forum.



Ah, yes - the Secret Forum...


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## Blackswanwood




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## Blackswanwood

From 12 months ago today ...


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## Cabinetman

And on the lightbulb front, after the initial question, a member immediately posts a succinct exact easy way to do it, which is then filched and repeated several times as if the original poster hadn’t existed.


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## Jester129

And Jacob replied that the filchers were actually borrowing from the poster, asking if anyone wanted to discuss the matter further!


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## Peterm1000

Robbo3 said:


> How many group posters does it take to change a light bulb?
> 
> 1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
> 
> 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
> 
> 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
> 
> 1 to post the url with lightbulb changing instructions (http://www.ehow.com/how_370_change-lightbulb.html)
> 
> 1 to point out that the link given in the previous post is, infact, incorrect for those in the UK, where bayonet fitting lamps are the norm
> 
> 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
> 
> 53 to flame the spell checkers
> 
> 41 to correct spelling/grammar flames
> 
> 1 Forum Moderator to point out the flaming is against the spirit of the Forum, PM all 723 contributors with the threat of expulsion if they continue in this fashion
> 
> 6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ...
> 
> another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive
> 
> 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
> 
> 15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
> 
> 156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy"
> 
> 109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group
> 
> 203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped
> 
> 111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group
> 
> 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
> 
> 27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
> 
> 14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
> 
> 3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
> 
> 33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
> 
> 12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
> 
> 19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"
> 
> 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ
> 
> 44 to ask what is a "FAQ"
> 
> 4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
> 
> 143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
> 
> I to post 101 uses for a dead lightbulb
> 
> 1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....


Very good...

But I am sure there would also be a debate about whether bayonet was actually the norm as most light fittings are now made for E27 bulbs. Plus of course, a discussion of the merits of B22 and E27


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## TRITON

Phil Pascoe said:


> Uses for a dead lightbulb? GRP moulds for casting resin paperweights etc. - polish the bulb with mould release wax, grp over it, trim to the circumference, smash the the bulb and it'll fall out cleanly.


Cover bulb with multiple layers of Papier-mâché

When dry hit it off something to break the bulb inside.

Instant maracca.


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## Reginald

Mum an dad are going up to bed as they pass little Tommy's room they hear him saying his prayers after he has done he says good night mum good night dad goodbye grandma .
On the morning the telephone rings it's dad's sister saying grandma has died in the night.
A few days later they hear him praying again after prayers he says good night mum good night dad goodby uncle Bill.
In the morning the telephone rings it's mum sister saying bill has died in his sleep.
A few days later 
mum and dad hear little tommy praying again and listen carefully after he says goodnight mum goodbye dad .
Dad panics,, does not sleep a wink but in the morning he is still alive so breathes a sigh of relief goes downstairs opens the front door to find the milkman dead on the step...


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## Doug B




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## Stan

Peterm1000 said:


> Very good...
> 
> But I am sure there would also be a debate about whether bayonet was actually the norm as most light fittings are now made for E27 bulbs. Plus of course, a discussion of the merits of B22 and E27




The debate would also be about replacing the terms "bayonet" and "screw". The first is too militaristic, and as for the second, well....


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## dzj




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## Linus

How come nobody suggested a DIY jig for changing lightbulbs?


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## Peterm1000

Trainee neophyte said:


> Ah, yes - the Secret Forum...


The first rule of the secret forum is you don't talk about the secret forum.


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## Cozzer

"All right, matey?"
_"No, not really...but thanks for asking..."_
"Why? What's up?"
_"Just feeling a bit crook, actually....think I might have got a touch of alice...."_
"Alice? Never 'eard of it! What's that, then?"
_"Not sure how to describe it, except that Christopher Robin went down with it as well..."_

Ayethangqueue...


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## GuitardoctorW7

Heard a couple yesterday that made me chuckle....

Never use Beef Stew as a password......... it's not Stroganoff

I went to a zoo the other day, such a rip off it only had one animal in it and that was a dog. It was a shitzu.

G


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## Blackswanwood




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## Doug B




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## Fergie 307

Phil Pascoe said:


> Or whether it's a lamp.


And one to point out that the "lamp" naming convention had already been addressed by the industry proffessional, if you had been paying attention.


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## Doug B




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## RobinBHM

I was in the park at the weekend wondering why a frisbee appears larger the closer it gets.......and then it hit me.


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## RobinBHM

A man went into a bookshop and said:

"Im looking for a book, the title is: 'how to handle rejection without killing'.......do you have a copy?"


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## RobinBHM

I quit my job at the helium gas factory.

I refuse to be spoken to like that


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## RobinBHM

My house was broken into recently, the burglar stole all my anti depressants.

All I can say is; I hope it makes him happy.


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## Cozzer

Up-skirting on a series of escalators.
Wrong, on so many levels...


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## Linus

I'm sure we've all been there at some time!


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## Blackswanwood




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## flying haggis




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## Cabinetman

Christ, how big was your turkey? More like an emu!


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## Doug B




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## Linus




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## Robbo3

Once I had a date with a Dutch girl who wore inflatable footwear.
When I sought a second date, unfortunately I learned that she had popped her clogs.


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## Robbo3




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## Blackswanwood




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## John Brown

Very funny, but fake.


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## Cozzer

The saloon door creaked open, and much to the surprise of the drinking cowboys there, Roy Rogers staggered to the bar.
"Bartender", he sobbed, "Whisky. Leave the bottle..."
The bar keep looked stunned.
"But...but...Roy...you don't drink! You're a god-fearing, best-natured cowpoke who everybody loves..."
"Nope", choked Roy..."Not today".
The bar fell silent as they witnessed their hero sobbing and blubbing into his drink.
"Woe...woe..is me!" wailed Roy.
"Roy! Whatever's the matter? Can we help? This isn't like you!"
"Nobody can help me", cried Roy..."Nobody...."
It all got very emotional, and a few of the drinkers were seen to be dabbing their own eyes, such fans of the famous cowboy they were.
Roy finally pulled himself together to start recounting his grief...
"Trigger's gone. Had to put him out of his misery. My best ever friend, gone by my own hand..."
"Oh Roy!" cried the crowd, as if one."Not Trigger! Oh no, not Trigger!"
"Yup. Had rustlers during the night, and they managed to wound him, so I had to do the kindest deed!" wailed Roy.
"Lost all my cattle too! Every last head, gone"
"Oh no, Roy!" cried the crowd, many of them now as upset as Roy himself.
"Yup...and they got my dawg too! Killed it stone dead. My favourite, obedient dog!" sobbed Roy.
"Oh, not the dog too!" cried the crowd, now to a man in floods of tears.
"And that's not all," wailed Roy..."As I was out trying to find the bandits trail, the injuns came to the ranch...raped and killed the wife and kids and then set fire to the house..."
"OH GOD, NO! NO!! NOT THE WIFE, KIDS AND HOUSE TOO!" Never before had so many tears been shed in any saloon.
"I'm a broken man with no future!", wailed Roy."There's nothing left of me!"
Roy finished his bottle, and staggered towards the saloon door, leaving behind 20-odd hardened trail cowboys, all devastated for their most renowned cowboy hero. Most of them hadn't shed tears like this since the day their mothers had died...and most of them not even then.
As Roy reached the door, a voice behind shouted
"Hey! Roy! Sing us a song before you go!"


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## Peterm1000

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care.


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## Garno




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## Stan

How can you tell the difference between a weasel and a stoat?

Well a weasel is weaselly recognised and a stoat is stoatally different.


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## Doug B




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## selectortone




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## Bm101

.


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## dzj




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## Cozzer

The richest King in the Middle East summoned his 3 sons to celebrate the monarch's birthday.
He addressed his eldest son.
"First born on mine, to celebrate my birthday I'm going to treat you to whatever you desire. What would that be?"
The son thought for a moment before replying "My dear father...I would love a Ferrari..."
"Very well, my son. 'Twill be so."
A few hours went by, and a bright red Ferrari was delivered to the palace door.
"My son, I want you to know I'm very proud of you. Here is your own Ferrari, and as a special surprise, I have also bought the entire company for you...."
The King offered the same deal to his middle son, who stated his desire was to own an aircraft.
A few hours later, not only did the son have his own private jet, but also owned the entire Gulfstream company.
The King then asked his youngest son, aged 7, what his special present would be...
"Father, I've been watching lots of films lately, and love watching Westerns, with gun slingers, baddies in black hats, fast-draw men and Indian tribes, and sheriffs and......"
"Yes, yes, yes..." interrupted his father, "Get to the point please! What is your heart's desire?!"
"Father...I would really love a cowboy outfit...." said the excited 7 year old.
Within hours, the boy became owner of _[insert hated football club name here]_

Ayethangqueue.


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## dzj




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## Woody2Shoes

Blackswanwood said:


> View attachment 109143


Reducing proportionately to one in seven if they're dwarves....


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## Cabinetman

dzj said:


> View attachment 109453


 Am I getting soft in my old-age, could somebody explain that for me please?


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## Droogs

too much makes you paranoid


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## Daniel2

Cabinetman said:


> Am I getting soft in my old-age, could somebody explain that for me please?



The (very), broad phases of smoking a joint, Ian.
Phirst fase, everything is beautiful, peace and love to all things.
Second phase, paranoia.


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## Cabinetman

Thanks, I didn’t realise what it was! What a very simple life I must’ve led ha ha


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## dzj

Thanks for explaining, guys!
Nice to see that mine wasn't the only misspent youth.


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## selectortone

You may be paranoid, but that doesn't mean the raccoons aren't actually working for the CIA.


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## Phil Pascoe

And even if you're not paranoid it doesn't mean they're not out to get you.


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## Cabinetman

Them and those pesky groundhogs!


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## Blackswanwood




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## lucgizi




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## paulrbarnard

Daniel2 said:


> The (very), broad phases of smoking a joint, Ian.
> Phirst fase, everything is beautiful, peace and love to all things.
> Second phase, paranoia.


That doesn’t look like any spliff I’ve ever seen. Is that some kind of custom roach?


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## Adam W.

paulrbarnard said:


> That doesn’t look like any spliff I’ve ever seen. Is that some kind of custom roach?


Machine made, innit.


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## Adam W.

paulrbarnard said:


> That doesn’t look like any spliff I’ve ever seen. Is that some kind of custom roach?


You have to go down to Bowlish to get the posh ones like that.


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## Doug B




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## Cozzer

"_What do we want?!_"
"*Hearing aids*!"
"_And when do we want 'em?!_"
"*Hearing aids*!"


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## loftyhermes

Doug B said:


> View attachment 109514


3 points of contact is 3 points of contact.


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## Inspector

4 points if the zipper is down  so you can't fall backwards.

Pete


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## Cozzer

A drummer friend of mine had such bad timing that he decided to end it all.
He threw himself behind a train...


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## dzj




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## Cozzer

"_So then...big match for your team this afternoon._"
"That's right. The boys are well up for it."
"_And your tactics for the match?_" 
"Lime and lemon. I tried to get mint, but they'd sold out..."


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## Blackswanwood




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## Stan

Wife: ( angrily) Why do you keep walking into the garden every time I start to sing?

Husband: I want to show the neighbours that I am not hitting you.


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## Doug B




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## sploo




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## Cozzer

The Premier League footballer and his really dim "reality star" wife were travelling across the Atlantic in a luxury, retro-styled 4-engine aeroplane.
Half way across, the intercom burst into life, and the Captain made an announcement.
"Good afternoon, passengers. I'm afraid to tell you that we have a malfunction in engine 4, and for safety reasons we've decided to shut it down...but never fear, we've been trained to fly in all situations, and assure you that both you and the aircraft are perfectly safe. It does mean, however, that we will take an hour-or-so longer to reach our destination. In the meantime, please ensure some more complimentary champagne, and enjoy your flight..."
Some minutes later, the Captain made another announcement.
"I now have to tell you that we have another engine malfunction, and have been forced to shut this one down as well...but fear not, we're all trained to react to these situations, and can assure you that this aircraft can fly perfectly safely on fewer engines. We will, of course, be taking it a bit steady, so as a consequence, we will be arriving about 2 hours later than expected..."
An hour-or-so passed, before the intercom burst into life again.
"Good afternoon, this is your Captain speaking. More bad news, I'm afraid - we've now lost engine number 3, but I can assure you that the 'plane is perfectly able to fly on with a single engine. Rest assured, we are in full control of this less-than-ideal situation, but it does mean that we are forced to throttle back on engine number 1, and we will now be arriving about 6 hours later than expected."
The Premier League footballer's dim reality star wife suddenly grasped the situation...
"Bloody hell! We're on our way to a really important event! We can't be late! We're stars! Isn't there anything anybody can do?! I mean, if the remaining engine fails, we'll be up here all bloody day!"


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## Chris152




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## Doug B




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## dzj




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## Phil Pascoe

I expect that means something to someone.


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## smugdruggler

It's a play on Han Solo from Star Wars


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## Stan

On 5/5/1862 a Mexican army defeated a French one at the Battle of Puebla (Mexico). Since then the date has become a Mexican festival.


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## Amateur

Ok a bit risky so take it off if its too near the bone

Police officer speaking to Mexican.

And then El Pedro he pull a gun from under his poncho and points it at me.
He says,
Droppa your trousers.
So, I droppa my trousers.
Then he says,
Sheeet.
So I Sheeet.
Then he says eta your sheet
So I eata my sheet.
But El Pedro, he isnt concentrating and I knock the gun from his hand and point it at him with a big grin on my face.
I say
El Pedro,
Droppa your pants.
And El Pedro droppas his pants.
And I say,
Sheet...
So ElPedro he Sheets....
And I say
Eata your sheet
So he eatas his sheet.

And you ask me if I know ElPedro?

We had lunch together last week.


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## flying haggis




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## flying haggis




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## gwaithcoed

I read in my morning paper today Thought for the day. 
The only power you have is the word No.

I didn't know my Wife wrote in the daily paper


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## kinverkid




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## Blackswanwood




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## Cozzer

I bought a thesaurus yesterday. Got it home, opened it, and found that every single page was blank.

I haven't the words to describe how angry I am.....


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## Cordy

Channel 4 are looking for people to take part in a documentary about people who made the most of the summer holiday by camping in their back gardens.

It's being directed by Tentin Quarantino.


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## flying haggis

Unshameslessly nicked from elsewhere.........



Back in the days of tanners and bobs,

When Mothers had patience and Fathers had jobs.

When football team families wore hand me down shoes,

And T.V gave only two channels to chose.



Back in the days of three penny bits,

when schools employed nurses to search for your nits.

When snowballs were harmless; ice slides were permitted

and all of your jumpers were warm and hand knitted.



Back in the days of hot ginger beers,

when children remained so for more than six years.

When children respected what older folks said,

and pot was a thing you kept under your bed.


Back in the days of Listen with Mother,

when neighbours were friendly and talked to each other.

When cars were so rare you could play in the street.

When Doctors made house calls; Police walked the beat.



Back in the days of Milligan's Goons,

when butter was butter and songs all had tunes.

It was dumplings for dinner and trifle for tea,

and your annual break was a day by the sea.



Back in the days of Dixon's Dock Green,

Crackerjack pens and Lyons ice cream.

When children could freely wear National Health glasses,

and teachers all stood at the FRONT of their classes



Back in the days of rocking and reeling,

when mobiles were things that you hung from the ceiling.

When woodwork and pottery got taught in schools,

and everyone dreamed of a win on the pools.



Back in the days when I was a lad,

I can't help but smile for the fun that I had.

Hopscotch and roller skates; snowballs to lob.

Back in the days of tanners and bobs


----------



## lucgizi




----------



## pidgeonpost

Cabinetman said:


> Thanks, I didn’t realise what it was! What a very simple life I must’ve led ha ha


You are not alone! Watching a programme about the swinging sixties, free love hippies etc., my daughter said 'So what did you do in 60's dad?'. 
I said 'Three shifts, 6-2, 2-10, 10-6'.
Such a tragic waste.


----------



## Concizat

pidgeonpost said:


> You are not alone! Watching a programme about the swinging sixties, free love hippies etc., my daughter said 'So what did you do in 60's dad?'.
> I said 'Three shifts, 6-2, 2-10, 10-6'.
> Such a tragic waste.


Old Bill in the Met. by any chance?


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Peterm1000

I was going to retire early, but my wife invested all our money pasta. She says it was worth every penne.


----------



## pidgeonpost

Concizat said:


> Old Bill in the Met. by any chance?


Nothing so exciting I'm afraid - working as a computer operator!


----------



## mikej460

pidgeonpost said:


> Nothing so exciting I'm afraid - working as a computer operator!


wow now that's a bygone career. I think they're called 'technicians' now?


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Garno




----------



## Garno




----------



## Sandyn

I bought some of that invisible tape this morning. Got home, took it out of the pack, now I can't find it


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Cozzer

I bought a dictionary the other day.
Out of interest, I looked up the word "dictionary".
The explanation was "This is one".....


----------



## Phil Pascoe

I remember being about thirteen, in school in an English lesson. A lad put his hand up and said please sir, what does obnoxious mean? The reply - Obnoxious? Obnoxious is what you are, Williams - look it up!


----------



## Concizat

pidgeonpost said:


> Nothing so exciting I'm afraid - working as a computer operator!


What, you had computers in the 60s?.
All we had in the Met at that time were teleprinters and telephone switchboards the size of an American fridge that you plugged cords in to receive or answer calls


----------



## Droogs

I used to be able to read ITA2 (Murray Code) punch tape at 6' a minute. For a laugh at christmas we all had to take a turn at reading a chapter of scrooge on tape if we were on shift in th ecommcen over xmas. I hated having to load the xmas banner tapes into the readers


----------



## dzj




----------



## Linus

dzj said:


> View attachment 110221


Haven't changed a lot in twenty years have they?


----------



## Daniel2

They still beat the pants off a lot of todays offerings, when it comes to showtime.
Tina & Cher are the same.


----------



## Doug B

Daniel2 said:


> They still beat the pants off a lot of todays offerings, when it comes to showtime.
> Tina & Cher are the same.


They ort to they've had enough practice


----------



## Droogs

Jeez watching them on stage will be like witnessing the march of the Ents to war


----------



## Garno

Cozzer said:


> I bought a dictionary the other day.
> Out of interest, I looked up the word "dictionary".
> The explanation was "This is one".....



I looked up the word "Grumpy" and it was a photograph of me.






Stupid dictionary ...............


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Boringgeoff

I asked my Dad "what's an Oxymoron?" His reply "someone who doesn't know how to use a gas axe".


----------



## dzj




----------



## bushwhaker

The Marine Drill Instructor noticed a new recruit and barked at him, "Get your ass over here! What's your name?"

"Paul" - the new recruit replied.

"Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy bullshit they're teaching in boot camp today, but I don't call anyone by his first name," - the sergeant scowled. "It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my recruits by their last names only - Smith, Jones, Baker… I am to be referred to only as 'Sergeant.' Do I make myself clear?!"

"Yes, sir, Sergeant!"

"Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?"

The recruit sighed "Darling, My name is Paul Darling."

"Okay, Paul, here's what I want you to do ..."


----------



## Doug B

Celebrating the pubs reopening. I got so drunk last night I left the car behind and took a bus home. Now that might not be a big deal to you but it was the first time I'd ever driven one.


----------



## sploo

Phil Pascoe said:


> I remember being about thirteen, in school in an English lesson. A lad put his hand up and said please sir, what does obnoxious mean? The reply - Obnoxious? Obnoxious is what you are, Williams - look it up!


I once asked my mum for the definition of "contagious".

"Remember when I asked your father to paint the fence?", she sighed. "It took the contagious".


----------



## Phil Pascoe

Oh, dear.


----------



## Bob Chapman

There should now be a competition to explain that one without using offensive language


----------



## Just4Fun

Quite easy .... if sploo's mum was a countess


----------



## Stan

Two drunks after a late night lock-in at a pub, realise they have missed the last bus home.

"No problem", said the first, "the bus depot is just down the road. Let's steal one and drive it home".
"Won't we get into trouble?" asked the second.
"Look, if you're scared, you stay at the gate and keep watch while I nip inside. It should only take a couple of minutes".

They creep down to the depot and the first drunk sneaks inside, while the second keeps watch at the gate. Time drags on and he gets more and more anxious. Every now and then he hears a diesel engine start up, rev for a minute or so and then switch off. After about 40 minutes the second drunk has bitten his fingernails down to the quick, as his mate drives a bus out the gateway into the road.
"Quick, hop on!" shouts the first drunk.
"What took you so long?" said the second.
"Hey, it wasn't my fault they parked the number 15 at the back of the garage was it!" replied the first.


----------



## dzj




----------



## EddyCurrent

Bob Chapman said:


> There should now be a competition to explain that one without using offensive language



Try this then, misunderstanding due to a South African accent.


----------



## Trainee neophyte

In honour of the other thread about inappropriate jokes, I searched for something that would not offend.


----------



## Sandyn

At last!! I now have my own Screwfix/Toolstation comparison site.


----------



## Nigel Burden

Stan said:


> Two drunks after a late night lock-in at a pub, realise they have missed the last bus home.
> 
> "No problem", said the first, "the bus depot is just down the road. Let's steal one and drive it home".
> "Won't we get into trouble?" asked the second.
> "Look, if you're scared, you stay at the gate and keep watch while I nip inside. It should only take a couple of minutes".
> 
> They creep down to the depot and the first drunk sneaks inside, while the second keeps watch at the gate. Time drags on and he gets more and more anxious. Every now and then he hears a diesel engine start up, rev for a minute or so and then switch off. After about 40 minutes the second drunk has bitten his fingernails down to the quick, as his mate drives a bus out the gateway into the road.
> "Quick, hop on!" shouts the first drunk.
> "What took you so long?" said the second.
> "Hey, it wasn't my fault they parked the number 15 at the back of the garage was it!" replied the first.



Wasn't that Jethro and Denzel ?

Nigel.


----------



## D_W

Sandyn said:


> At last!! I now have my own Screwfix/Toolstation comparison site.
> 
> View attachment 110327



Cue seinfeld scene where George took a book into the bathroom and they either made him buy it or wouldn't let him return it (can't remember which).


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Phil Pascoe

Nigel Burden said:


> Wasn't that Jethro and Denzel ?
> 
> Nigel.


Yes.


----------



## Sachakins

Trainee neophyte said:


> In honour of the other thread about inappropriate jokes, I searched for something that would not offend.


Vegans might be upset....


----------



## Sachakins

Spot any similarities


----------



## Cozzer

"This is just a drill!" yelled the air stewardess.
When you hear the instruction "Brace! Brace!", you must lean forward as far as possible, with your head on your lap."
"BRACE! BRACE!"

"Erm.... your _own_ lap, sir...."


----------



## D_W

mentioned in another thread - instrument maker at Colonial Williamsburg would finish or display a newly made violin and tell the museum patrons:

"look, it's brand new and baroque already!"

The curators/directors request he not make the joke because "it made 18th century people sound foolish". 

I thought it was pretty witty!


----------



## paulrbarnard

Cozzer said:


> "This is just a drill!" yelled the air stewardess.
> When you hear the instruction "Brace! Brace!", you must lean forward as far as possible, with your head on your lap."
> "BRACE! BRACE!"
> 
> "Erm.... your _own_ lap, sir...."


So I get that a brace is just a drill but do you use laps on drill bits?


----------



## Trainee neophyte

Sachakins said:


> Vegans might be upset....


An old man, a boy, and a donkey were on their way to town. The boy was riding the donkey.

As they went along, they passed a goup of people who remarked it was a shame the old man had to walk while the young boy was riding. The man and boy thought about the criticism and decided maybe the people were right, so they switched places.

Later they passed another group of people who remarked that it was a shame that the old man made the little boy walk. The two travelers decided that they would BOTH walk.

Soon they passed a third group of people who said they were stupid to walk , when they had such a fine donkey to ride. So, the two decided they would both ride the donkey.

The next group of people they passed said that it was AWFUL that the two put such a heavy load on the poor donkey. The old man & boy thought that maybe the people were right, so they decided to carry the donkey.

Soon they came to a river, with a narrow bridge spanning it. As they attempted to cross the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal & it fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story ?

If you try to please everyone, you may as well............

kiss your ass goodbye.


----------



## Gogsi

Sachakins said:


> Spot any similarities
> View attachment 110371
> View attachment 110372



Here's another Amazon related joke which is very helpful for two reasons:


put sawdust in amazon box and leave at your front door - Google Search


----------



## John Brown

Gogsi said:


> Here's another Amazon related joke which is very helpful for two reasons:
> 
> 
> put sawdust in amazon box and leave at your front door - Google Search
> 
> 
> 
> Here's another Amazon related one:
> 
> 
> put sawdust in amazon box and leave at your front door - Google Search


Many years ago, we had a shop in Paddington, and the next door shop sold reconditioned electronic test gear. The owner used to pack up his son's soiled disposable nappies in a box, plaster "Fragile" stickers on it, and leave it outside on the pavement.

Well, I say "used to", he probably only did it the one time. Stuff like that can lead to broken windows or worse.


----------



## John Brown

D_W said:


> mentioned in another thread - instrument maker at Colonial Williamsburg would finish or display a newly made violin and tell the museum patrons:
> 
> "look, it's brand new and baroque already!"
> 
> The curators/directors request he not make the joke because "it made 18th century people sound foolish".
> 
> I thought it was pretty witty!


That wouldn't would so well over here, as we say "ber rock" as opposed to "ber roke".


----------



## D_W

John Brown said:


> That wouldn't would so well over here, as we say "ber rock" as opposed to "ber roke".



Ahh...your pronunciation is baroquen.


----------



## John Brown

D_W said:


> Ahh...your pronunciation is baroquen.


No. Just different.


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Doug B




----------



## dzj




----------



## daftdog

Doug B said:


> View attachment 110473


Every afternoon about 1.30


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Doug B

My 'phone rang the other night and a man's voice said, 
"I'm the dandy highwayman who you're too scared to mention, I spend my cash on looking flash and grabbing your attention!"
I tried to tell him he had the wrong number, but he was adamant.


----------



## Linus

Doug B said:


> My 'phone rang the other night and a man's voice said,
> "I'm the dandy highwayman who you're too scared to mention, I spend my cash on looking flash and grabbing your attention!"
> I tried to tell him he had the wrong number, but he was adamant.


Please, please, please moderators - a groan emoji!!!!!


----------



## Droogs

Doug B said:


> My 'phone rang the other night and a man's voice said,
> "I'm the dandy highwayman who you're too scared to mention, I spend my cash on looking flash and grabbing your attention!"
> I tried to tell him he had the wrong number, but he was adamant.


i just watched a rather interesting docu video about him and his mental health problems from my tube recommendation list. No idea how it ended up in that but it was very good.


----------



## RobinBHM

"I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have florets"


----------



## Adam W.

RobinBHM said:


> "I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have florets"




I know someone with Tourettes, it's a dreadful thing to suffer from.


----------



## RobinBHM

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## RobinBHM

Adam W. said:


> I know someone with Tourettes, it's a dreadful thing to suffer from.


Yes I realise it certainly is, I certainly don't mean to offend anyone, the joke was not about Tourette's but the play on words.


----------



## Adam W.

RobinBHM said:


> Yes I realise it certainly is, I certainly don't mean to offend anyone, the joke was not about Tourette's but the play on words.



I realise that and I wasn't offended, but some people who have a relative or close friend with Tourettes might be.

It's the same with the deaf jokes, it's just so easy to take the wee wee and it's so hard to defend yourself against that kind of humour if you have a disability. 

I get really cheesed of about deaf jokes.

Just saying.


----------



## PhilTilson

But isn't that the whole point of 'jokes'? They are usually plays on words that take a serious subject and make it humorous. Unless one is setting out to be objectionable, no offence is intended and none should be taken. Just look at some of the other jokes in this series: #189 might upset people who have had relatives die in a car crash; #183 might offend people with an alcohol problem; #180 could upset old people; #178 could offend people with mental illness. If you are going to avoid offending everyone, then you might as well forget making jokes! Surely, that's the whole point, as I said?


----------



## AJB Temple

These are jokes. Not serious. Presented in a single thread in a woodwork forum. Readily avoidable by the easily or professionally offended, by not reading the thread.

The drive for political correctness in absolutely everything is doomed to failure, but doesn't stop do gooders getting ever so wound up about their pet hate and then lecturing others about the sensitivities. No one cares.


----------



## dzj

PhilTilson said:


> But isn't that the whole point of 'jokes'? They are usually plays on words that take a serious subject and make it humorous. Unless one is setting out to be objectionable, no offence is intended and none should be taken. Just look at some of the other jokes in this series: #189 might upset people who have had relatives die in a car crash; #183 might offend people with an alcohol problem; #180 could upset old people; #178 could offend people with mental illness. If you are going to avoid offending everyone, then you might as well forget making jokes! Surely, that's the whole point, as I said?




It is an odd thing, humor.
I remember that Aristocrats joke. Terrible and disgusting, but the comedian did manage
to get a laugh or two out of me. Not everyone's cup of tea, though.


----------



## Daniel2

#161 I think the shoes should have been red or green, etc. Just in case
someone might take it the wrong way. 
As @PhilTilson quite rightly says, a joke usually points fun at someone.
People have just become far too sensitive and, it seems to me, almost
waiting and wanting to be offended.
Often, offence is not intended and so should not be taken.
On the other hand, joke #190 was a good example of an apparently
exemplary correct (& woke), joke, which did remain funny. I'm not going
to give away the answer, though.


----------



## Droogs

The basis of all humour has three foundation stones and every joke is founded on at least one of them:
The misfortune of others and the relief that it is not yours
The credulity of others and the self belief that it wouldn't happen to you
The universal acceptance of societal mores and decorum and the the initial shock when they are broken/challenged and the relief that they haven't really been broken.

The complaint, at the start of this thread as about all of them all being used and so to me I'd say the OP has no sense of humour. My better half is a professional storyteller and stand up comdediene, the amount of times I've had to endure having how humour works explained is uncountable. I am, apparently, not funny just a sarcastic drinks server with the maturity of a 9 year old  Who'dda thunk it


----------



## Droogs

Daniel2 said:


> #161 I think the shoes should have been red or green, etc. Just in case
> someone might take it the wrong way.
> As @PhilTilson quite rightly says, a joke usually points fun at someone.
> People have just become far too sensitive and, it seems to me, almost
> waiting and wanting to be offended.



But that would then discriminate and be anti woke for colour blind people like me


----------



## Stan

PhilTilson said:


> But isn't that the whole point of 'jokes'? They are usually plays on words that take a serious subject and make it humorous.



Agreed. Taking serious subjects and laughing about them cuts them down to size, reduces fear and such like, and makes those topics easier to deal with. It can also act as a mental form of self-defence.

Try working a few years in one of the emergency services, or serving in the military. After a while one of two things happens. Either you develop a "weapons-grade" sense of humour, or you go round the twist. If the first, the trick is to learn when you can allow your humour out like a pitbull on a lead, and when you can't.


----------



## Droogs

@Stan , is that Capt Manwarring as your avatar, if so


----------



## Daniel2

Droogs said:


> But that would then discriminate and be anti woke for colour blind people like me



Aaarrgh ....
Nuts, I hadn't thought of that possibility.
How we tie ourselves up in knots.
Transparent shoes then, perhaps ?


----------



## Droogs

I'd perhaps tentitively suggest glass slippers but you never know


----------



## Stan

Droogs said:


> @Stan , is that Capt Manwarring as your avatar, if so



Don't tell them your name Droogs!


----------



## paulrbarnard

Daniel2 said:


> On the other hand, joke #190 was a good example of an apparently
> examplary correct (& woke), joke, which did remain funny. I'm not going
> to give away the answer, though.


It was blatant speciesism. I’m offend on behalf of zebras everywhere.


----------



## Daniel2

Droogs said:


> I'd perhaps tentitively suggest glass slippers but you never know



Sorry, but no can do.
We would lose the leather aspect. (No offence intended towards vegans).


----------



## Linus

Daniel2 said:


> Aaarrgh ....
> Nuts, I hadn't thought of that possibility.
> How we tie ourselves up in knots.
> Transparent shoes then, perhaps ?


No, that would offend people of colour!


----------



## Blackswanwood

Apologies in advance to any hippopotamuses or people on diets who may be offended but ...


----------



## Daniel2

Linus said:


> No, that would offend people of colour!



Well, what started out as an apparently harmless joke, has demonstrated itself to
be anything but. Shame on you @Trainee neophyte 
The pressure's on to find any completely inoffensive jokes, which can stand up to
scrutiny by this board.


----------



## Adam W.

Sure, whatever you like, but I am allowed to point it out if I think its out of order.

And I will.


----------



## Droogs

Here is my offering.

A cysgender member of the mamalian grouping "The Great Apes" of the genus Homo of the sub group Sapiens Sapiens, walks into a bar and says "Ah ya fekker, that hurt"


----------



## selectortone

Oh, good grief, there's a perfectly good thread elsewhere in this forum for complaining about this one.


----------



## Droogs

yeah but if we posted over there they might get offended


----------



## Adam W.

selectortone said:


> Oh, good grief, isn't one thread complaining about this one enough?




I'm not complaining, I'm making a point.

I'm deaf and deaf jokes just ain't funny especially from people who just don't have a clue.


----------



## smugdruggler

There was a sketch on the show "Not the nine o'clock news" featuring Rowan Atkinson who played a deaf guy that was given a head band with a light suspended in front of his eyes. It was linked to his desk telephone and when the phone rang the bulb on his headset would light up letting him know that someone was calling. Of course when he picked up the handset he could not hear the caller.

This was not a joke aimed at deaf people but at the useless invention.
I found the sketch hilarious but I would never take the P out of the hearing impaired. My wife is hearing impaired and she laughed like a drain at the sketch.


----------



## loftyhermes




----------



## paulrbarnard

Droogs said:


> Here is my offering.
> 
> A cysgender member of the mamalian grouping "The Great Apes" of the genus Homo of the sub group Sapiens Sapiens, walks into a bar and says "Ah ya fekker, that hurt"


So your are saying other apes are inferior?


----------



## doctor Bob

Blackswanwood said:


> Apologies in advance to any hippopotamuses or people on diets who may be offended but ...
> 
> View attachment 110547



I'm offended that you think it's acceptable to post nude pictures of my wife on an internet forum, who are you and how did you get these pictures?


----------



## Phil Pascoe




----------



## Dave Brookes

Having recently had a total shoulder joint replaced, I don’t care who changes the bulb because I can’t


----------



## dzj




----------



## flying haggis

BREAKING: 

Prime Minister Boris Johnson has announced that due to the new Indian covid variant people will now be offered the Pun jab

Please start taking this Indian Covid variant seriously, my neighbour caught it and has been in a korma for a week and he had only just buried his naan.

Some chapati I know has it, symptoms include feeling chilli so if in any doubt dhal 999.


----------



## Chris152

Adam W. said:


> Sure, whatever you like, but I am allowed to point it out if I think its out of order.
> 
> And I will.


Apparently, lots of people on UKW don't care. Pretty poor state of affairs.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Jonzjob

Adam W. said:


> I realise that and I wasn't offended, but some people who have a relative or close friend with Tourettes might be.
> 
> It's the same with the deaf jokes, it's just so easy to take the wee wee and it's so hard to defend yourself against that kind of humour if you have a disability.
> 
> I get really cheesed of about deaf jokes.
> 
> Just saying.



Deaf jokes?

I haven't heard many of those


----------



## Cordy

OLD Jake employs a hit man to bump his wife off.

Hitman explains for 20K He will shoot her just beneath her left boob.

Jake replied, I want her dead , not kneecapped


----------



## Phill05

To help bring a smile back if you can last it out.

* A Day at the seaside.*



On the map of North Notts. you'll find Worksop
Where'a lived when I wa'ra a lad

In a house wi'me Mam, two sisters and Gran
one brother, a budgie and Dad.

At the end of our street w'a a boozer
Black as stout, uninviting and glum

A den of depravity, it stank like a lavatory
Were me Dad went to hide from me Mam.

At the end of the bar, in a bottle
Every week, two bob he'd slip

for the annual treat, when the kids in our street
went to seaside on a coach trip.

We'd set off in morning from Worksop
On route for Sutton-on-Sea

with the holiday club ... them as paid up their subs
half the street me brother and me.

There w'a old Mrs.Brough from the tripe shop
Big soft Doris an her two lasses

an her sister, Ellen, with a bust like two melon
an a face like an ars'ole with glasses.

There w'a 'Perfumed Gordon', the hairdresser
and nobody did make it clear

why a rude boy, named Taylor, cried out, "Hello sailor!"

and something about ginger beer!

There w'a 'Desperate Derek', his brother, 'Big Eric'
and 'Basher', 'Gnasher' and 'Butch'

an Lil, who w'a willing for only a shilling
which w'a still about tenpence too much.

There w'a Mavis who wouldn't, 'cos her mum said she shouldn't
there w'a Neville who wished that he could,

An then there w'a Heather who said that she'd never
but looked like she probably would.

Well me Dad took a crate or two of ale wi him
Intending to travel in style,

Od'e coach did about 25 mile to the gallon
me Dad did half pint to the mile.

Rain were chucking it down leaving Worksop
through North Nott's it did not desist

there were cows with bronchitis and wet sheep to invite us
when Lincolnshire loomed in through mist.

Rain slacked off soon to a medium monsoon
and the day didn't look such a black'n
when the driver, called Reg, pulled up at a hedge
an we all made a break for the bracken.

Dad rushed for a tree and he said, "Scose me!"

an right there, one penny he spent it

he said, "Ain't it queer, one thing about beer,
yo don't really buy it... yo rent it!"

Well, this idyllic scene, 'mid the nettles and steam
w'a soon torn by me brother's plaintive cries,
the poor little nipper caught his 'donger' in his zipper
an w'a dancing with tears in his eyes.

Then back on the coach, off to Sutton
when we got there, well eeh! it were grand

an we gazed at the sea, cold ... the colour of tea
and smelled candy floss, dodgems and sand.

There were shops full of rock and hats with rude slogans
There w'a music and cries of hilarity

there were games on the sand, there were jellied eel stands
and souvenir shops packed with vulgarity.

Me brother ran down to the ocean
His intention, the water to reach

for his foot he'd just thrust in ... some'at disgustin'
a donkey had left on the beach.

The sea was as cold as a polar bear's dick
we watched Punch kill the crocodile dead

and after throwing some sand at the Salvation Army band
we went off to the funfair, instead.

There w'a ride called' Comet', made you scream, faint and vomit
half deafened, yo hung upside down

an the last bit, a spinner ... brought up rest of ya dinner
not bad y'know, for half 0' crown.

There were cards with fat ladies, nudists and Scotsmen
honeymooners and dirty weekenders

and in a machine ... what the butler had seen
dimly flickered about in suspenders.

We ate cockles and whelks and big winkles
soggy chips, toffee apples like glue

the hot-dogs were funny'ns, something rude wrapped in onions
but we ate them an pease pudding too.

Then we went on'ta dodgems and waltzer
an big dipper that rises and falls

It w'a on this machine that me brother turned green
an his eyes stood out like bulldogs balls.

This poor little chap, he w'a sick in his cap
It were his best'n ...an he started to cry

so not wishing to spoil it, we swilled it in toilet
and he wore it until it w'a dry.

Then driver found us and shouted, "Back to the bus!"

through the dark, we ran the whole way
candy floss in our hair ... but we didn't care
Eeh!.. we'd had such a wonderful day.

An with charabanc firing on seven cylinders
we set off for Worksop and home

rattlin along highway singing songs of Max Bygraves
accompanied on paper and comb.

In the dim orange glow of the coach-light, so low
courting couples were billing and cooing
hoping, perhaps, that the coats in their laps
would conceal the rude things they were doing.

We pulled up in our street about half past eleven
there w'a Mam, there w'a Granny an' all
they gazed with admiration at the plastic Alsatian
we'd won for 'em at coconut stall.

I drank up me cocoa, I ate up me sandwich
and soon up in bed I w'a curled

I w'a dreaming a dream ... I w'a leading a team
On first coach trip, round world.

Eeh!. .. them things that I did ... when I w'a a kid
although they were simple and small

now I'm grown up I find, I look back in my mind
I'm sure they were best times of all.



But of all things I'll tell ya for free

there's none can compete wi that charabanc treat
Wi me brother ... to Sutton on sea.
​


----------



## selectortone




----------



## Cozzer

An old one, but....

"Have you considered trying the Chicken Tarka, sir?" enquired the restaurant waiter.
"Ermm....do you mean a Chicken Tikka?" asked the diner.
"Well, it's quite like a Chicken Tikka, but a little 'otter..."


----------



## gwaithcoed

Story of Petey, the Snake



This is the story about a poor little snake named "Petey."



Petey was a snake only so big. Petey lived in a pit with

his mother. One day Petey was hissing in the pit when his mother

said: 'Petey, don't hiss in the pit, go outside the pit to hiss."

So Petey went outside of the pit to hiss.



Petey was hissing all around when he finally leaned over and

hissed in the pit. Petey's mother heard Petey hissing in the pit

and said: "Petey, if you must hiss in a pit, go over to Mrs.

Pott's pit to hiss in her pit. Petey went over to Mrs. Pott's

pit to hiss in her pit, but Mrs. Pott was not at home, so he

hissed in her pit anyway. While Petey was hissing in Mrs. Pott's

pit, Mrs. Pott came home and found Petey hissing in her pit. She

said: "Petey, if you must hiss in a pit, don't hiss in my pit; go

to your own pit and hiss."



This made Petey very sad, and he cried all the way home.

When Petey got home, his mother saw him crying, and said: "Petey,

what's the matter?" Petey said: "I went over to Mrs. Pott's to

hiss in her pit, but Mrs. Pott was not at home, so I hissed in

her pit anyway, Mrs. Pott came home and found me hissing in her

pit and said: 'Petey, if you must hiss in a pit, go to your own

pit and hiss. Don't hiss in my pit.'"



This made Petey's mother very angry, and she said: "Why that

mean old lady. I knew Mrs. Pott when she didn't have a pit to

hiss in."


----------



## quintain

Adam W. said:


> I'm not complaining, I'm making a point.
> 
> I'm deaf and deaf jokes just ain't funny especially from people who just don't have a clue.


I do not laugh at your deafness as I do not laugh at my friend's deafness, do you just want me to be sad at your deafness, or do you hope that I and others will admire how you, like my friend has made a successful and fulfilling life even with your deafness. BTW I do have a clue following a major explosion which sort of threw me around a bit and I had to lip read one of my guys later saying 'can you do your tumbling act again boss, I missed it first time around'


----------



## mikej460

gwaithcoed said:


> Story of Petey, the Snake
> 
> 
> 
> This is the story about a poor little snake named "Petey."
> 
> 
> 
> Petey was a snake only so big. Petey lived in a pit with
> 
> his mother. One day Petey was hissing in the pit when his mother
> 
> said: 'Petey, don't hiss in the pit, go outside the pit to hiss."
> 
> So Petey went outside of the pit to hiss.
> 
> 
> 
> Petey was hissing all around when he finally leaned over and
> 
> hissed in the pit. Petey's mother heard Petey hissing in the pit
> 
> and said: "Petey, if you must hiss in a pit, go over to Mrs.
> 
> Pott's pit to hiss in her pit. Petey went over to Mrs. Pott's
> 
> pit to hiss in her pit, but Mrs. Pott was not at home, so he
> 
> hissed in her pit anyway. While Petey was hissing in Mrs. Pott's
> 
> pit, Mrs. Pott came home and found Petey hissing in her pit. She
> 
> said: "Petey, if you must hiss in a pit, don't hiss in my pit; go
> 
> to your own pit and hiss."
> 
> 
> 
> This made Petey very sad, and he cried all the way home.
> 
> When Petey got home, his mother saw him crying, and said: "Petey,
> 
> what's the matter?" Petey said: "I went over to Mrs. Pott's to
> 
> hiss in her pit, but Mrs. Pott was not at home, so I hissed in
> 
> her pit anyway, Mrs. Pott came home and found me hissing in her
> 
> pit and said: 'Petey, if you must hiss in a pit, go to your own
> 
> pit and hiss. Don't hiss in my pit.'"
> 
> 
> 
> This made Petey's mother very angry, and she said: "Why that
> 
> mean old lady. I knew Mrs. Pott when she didn't have a pit to
> 
> hiss in."


you could see it coming but still made me smile


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Stan

Diner: (shocked) Hey, waiter. Your thumb is in my soup.

Waiter: (humbly) Yes sir. Sorry sir. I've got arthritis in that thumb and my doctor says I need to keep it warm at all times.

Diner: (angrily) Well you know what you can do with that thumb!

Waiter: Yes sir. I do that on the way back to the kitchen sir.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## MARK.B.

doctor Bob said:


> I'm offended that you think it's acceptable to post nude pictures of my wife on an internet forum, who are you and how did you get these pictures?


Thank you Bob for a minute i thought it was my wife  and i was just about to become offended myself


----------



## Sachakins

MARK.B. said:


> Thank you Bob for a minute i thought it was my wife  and i was just about to become offended myself


Glad you clarified that, had a horrible thought it could be the mother in law naked.
Not an image you want in your head.


----------



## John Brown

Echoes of Reggie Perrin.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Phil Pascoe

John Brown said:


> Echoes of Reggie Perrin.


Joke thread


----------



## John Brown

Phil Pascoe said:


> Joke thread


Sorry, Phil. I didn't click on your post. I suppose I should've guessed from the BBC reference.
I am aware that this is a joke thread, however.


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## dzj




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Thingybob

That last joke hurt me My wife is sat next to me and i laughed


----------



## Stan




----------



## dzj

Kim Jong-Un outlawed mullets and skinny jeans.
Can't say I object.


----------



## Stan

dzj said:


> Kim Jong-Un outlawed mullets and skinny jeans.
> Can't say I object.



What is Korean for "people who live in greenhouses shouldn't throw stones"?


----------



## Droogs

Apparently he's the only one allowed to have his haircut as it is outside the 15 state approved designs of haircuts for men


----------



## dzj

Growing up in a small Serbian town, our local barber would offer kids 2 hairstyles:
a sportsman cut or a Tarzan-like hairdo. It turned out he cut everyone's hair the same, but as
our noggins were different shape, size, his haircuts seemed different.
The illusion of choice, eh.


----------



## doctor Bob

My home town barber was also a fishing tackle shop, barber would serve maggots to a punter then go back to cutting hair.


----------



## Stan

There used to be an advert on local radio that went like this:

<sound of hair clippers buzzing, then stopped >

Barber: There you go sir, just like David Beckham.

Customer: Aaaargggh! That's not like David Beckham!

Barber: It would be if he came in here.


----------



## Robbo3

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, and all sorts of things. The grandfather is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long". Another outburst and she hears the grandfather calmly say, "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there".

At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the cart. Grandfather says again in a controlled voice, "William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandfather."

"Thanks," says the grandfather, "but I am William, the boy's name is Kevin".


----------



## selectortone

To whoever stole my anti-depressants - I hope you're happy.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Cozzer

"I'll just write you a prescription", said the GP.
He reached into his suit jacket pocket, and pulled out an anal thermometer instead.
"Oh, b*****!", he exclaimed, "That means some ar5ehole's got my pen...."


----------



## Thingybob

Doug B said:


> View attachment 111069


Im sure it could be made smaller with only 2 settings ?


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## JAW911

selectortone said:


> Oh, good grief, there's a perfectly good thread elsewhere in this forum for complaining about this one.


Exactly


----------



## Cordy

There was a tradesman, a painter called Wayne, who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often would thin down paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually, the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the painting of one of their biggest buildings.

Wayne put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job.

And so he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.

Well, Wayne was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened, the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Wayne clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Wayne was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke... "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"


----------



## Stan

An elderly vicar died and went to heaven. At the pearly gates, St Peter asked him to stand aside as a VIP was expected any time. Being a mild-mannered gentleman, he stood to one side and waited patiently.

After some hours the vicar was getting a bit restless. The gates then gently swung open, and a huge motorcycle with a loud exhaust cruised up, ridden by a teenaged lad in black leathers. He rode through the gates, did a wheelie and roared off. St Peter then approached the vicar.

St P: You can come in now he's arrived.

Vicar: How can he be more important than me? I have been a faithful servant for many a year.

St P: He's only had that bike for two weeks, and in that time he has put the fear of God into more people than you have in the last forty years!


----------



## Trainee neophyte




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Just4Fun

I don't know why Belarus bothered investing in a fighter jet. If they provided a coach service from Minsk airport to the center of Riga that was cheaper than the one from Riga airport Ryanair would divert permanently.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## TRITON

Dung Beetle Walks into a Bar...

Is This Stool Taken ?.


----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## dzj




----------



## dzj




----------



## Garno

dzj said:


> View attachment 111329





How many of you got your calculators out and checked


----------



## Doug B

Your browser is not able to display this video.


----------



## Cordy

If you watch 'Jaws' backwards....
it is a heart-warming story about a Shark who gives arms and legs to disabled people


----------



## Phil Pascoe

A builder I know went to a merchant's, and was told to go out into the yard and speak to Thrush. He said OK, I know who you mean, but why is called Thrush? Is it because he sings? No, came the reply, it's because he an irritating c***.


----------



## Linus

Nice to see the sun out at last......


----------



## daftdog

me neither


----------



## Keefy.

Seconded.


----------



## dzj

Also true if other professions.


----------



## dzj




----------



## Stan

"Exercise is bunk. If you're healthy you don't need it. If you're ill you shouldn't do it."

-- Henry Ford ( allegedly )


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Phil Pascoe

The old ones are the best.


----------



## Doug B

Camera angle is everything


----------



## bushwhaker

A man owned a small ranch near Great Falls, Montana. The Montana Labour Department got a tip that he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an investigator out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the investigator.

"Well," replied the rancher, "there's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1200 a week plus free room and board."

"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $1000 per week plus free room and board."

"Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day, with no days off, and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week and pays his own room and board."

"But, I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night, and he also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to... the half-wit," says the investigator.

"You're talking to him," replied the rancher.


----------



## Amateur

Jonzjob said:


> Deaf jokes?
> 
> I haven't heard many of those



I'm deaf daft and bloody idle....according to the wife


----------



## Doug B

Amateur said:


> I'm deaf daft and bloody idle....according to the wife


Your lucky the list is that short


----------



## Stan

An ex from a long time ago told me the following:

"Women have many faults, men have only two: everything they say and everything they do."

Not a relationship destined to last, I think.....


----------



## Pineapple

Phil Pascoe said:


> The old ones are the best.


But the young ones look better !


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Doug B

Your browser is not able to display this video.


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Garno

At Friday night services, Morris went to his friend Irving and said,
"Irving, I need a favour - I'm sleeping with the rabbi's wife.
Can you hold him in temple for an hour after services for me?"

Irving was not very fond of the idea, but being Morris' lifelong friend, he reluctantly agreed.

After services, he struck up a conversation with the rabbi asking him all sorts of stupid questions in an effort to keep him occupied.

After some time, the wise rabbi became suspicious and asked,
" Irving what are you really up to with all this?"

Irving , filled with feelings of guilt and remorse, confessed to the rabbi
"I'm sorry Rabbi, my friend Morris is sleeping with your wife right now and asked me to keep you occupied."

The rabbi smiled and, putting a brotherly hand on Irving 's shoulder, said
" Irving I think you'd better hurry home, my wife died two years ago.


----------



## Garno




----------



## Blister

A Irish consortium has worked out a new space mission
The team contact SpaceX and speak to Elon Musk
OK , What is you mission asks Elon 
We want to be the first country to land on the Sun
Elon looks very confused and states " You do know if you get 1 million miles from the sun you will burn up"

No No Elon comes the reply , We have worked that out , We are going at night .


----------



## selectortone




----------



## Doug B




----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B




----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B




----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B




----------



## dzj




----------



## niemeyjt

WEMBLEY TICKETS

England v Scotland

Fri 18th June 2021

KO 20.00hrs

One of my mates has two tickets in a corporate box for the England v Scotland game. He paid £300 each, but he didn't realise when he bought them that it was going to be the same day as his Covid 19 postponed wedding. 

If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.

It's at Cannock Registry Office, at 2.30pm. The bride's name is Julie, she's 5'4", about 8 stone, quite pretty, has her own income and is a really good cook.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Sachakins

Doug B said:


> View attachment 112312


Brilliant, but wait till the pc brigade see it....


----------



## Doug B

Apparently Harry Kane has visited Christian Eriksen in hospital. 
“He’s just managing to string words together, so he’s making good progress”, said Eriksen


----------



## Doug B




----------



## RobinBHM

Did I already do my deja vu joke?


----------



## Just4Fun

RobinBHM said:


> Did I already do my deja vu joke?


Yes. Twice.


----------



## Ttrees

Don't try, just comply


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B

dzj said:


> View attachment 112388


So ironically funny   I can go one step future as it’s been known on several occasions that when dining out our meals have been brought to the table & we've ended swapping meals as the GLW has preferred the look of my choice to that of her own


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Linus

....worth an award methinks?





Your browser is not able to display this video.


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Doug B




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Doug B




----------



## niemeyjt

The bicycle is the slow death of the planet.

"A cyclist is a disaster for the country's economy: they do not buy cars and do not borrow money to buy. They do not pay for insurance policies. They do not buy fuel, do not pay for the necessary maintenance and repairs. They do not use paid parking. They do not cause serious accidents. They do not require multi-lane highways. They do not get fat.

Healthy people are neither needed nor useful for the economy. They don't buy medicine. They do not go to hospitals or doctors. Nothing is added to the country's GDP (gross domestic product).

On the contrary, every new McDonald's restaurant creates at least 30 jobs: 10 cardiologists, 10 dentists, 10 dietary experts and nutritionists, and obviously, people who work at the restaurant itself."

Choose carefully: cyclist or McDonald's? It is worth considering.

P.S. Walking is even worse. Pedestrians don't even buy bicycles.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Fidget




----------



## Cozzer

"Help! HELP! HHHHEEEEEELLLLLLLPPPPPPPPP!"
_"It's OK, sir. I heard you shouting from the road"_
"Oh, thank God! I thought I was going to be here forever! And you're a policeman! Thank God!"
_"Yes, somebody reported some strange noises coming from the wood, so I thought I'd come down and investigate. Oh dear, sir....you do seem to be in a bit of a pickle, don't you?!"_
"Yes! Stag night, y'see! Usual few beers, and the lads thought it'd be funny to strip me naked and tie me up facing this bloody tree! sprouts! Wait 'til I see 'em again!"
_"Yes, indeed sir. Most amusing, I'm sure."_
"So if you could just untie me, and maybe find me something to cover me up, I'd be very grateful..."
_"Hmmmm....It's just not your day, is it, sir?"_, said the policeman, unzipping his trousers...


----------



## Doug B




----------



## dzj




----------



## Jameshow

England Football Team.......


----------



## Cordy

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.

Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.'

The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.

A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!'

The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.'

The trainer exclaimed 'Oh, so that's what finished him off?!!'

'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Stan

Two young soldiers spent almost their entire war guarding the gates of the local dockyard. Every day for months it was the same boring routine.

Then one day towards the end of the afternoon shift a man approached their checkpoint pushing a wheelbarrow full of straw. As this was so unusual the soldiers immediately became suspicious. The man was thoroughly searched. Bayonets were plunged into the straw. They even removed the end caps on the handles and shone torches into the tubes. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. With a feeling of disappointment, the soldiers allowed the man to walk off into the town pushing his barrow.

The next day, the man with the barrow appeared at the checkpoint again. Same time, same searches. Once again nothing was found and he went on his way. This happened day after day until it became part of the boredom, and the sentries would just wave him through. One day the man failed to appear. They never saw him again and after a day or so, thought no more about him.

Years later, the two soldiers met again at a regimental reunion. They began chatting over a beer and after a while the conversation turned to the man with the barrow.

1st old soldier: Do you remember the barrow man?

2nd: Yeah. I thought there was something odd about him but never could work it out.

1st: He was stealing wheelbarrows!


----------



## Trainee neophyte

The following may offend, although I sincerely hope not.


----------



## dzj




----------



## Stan

One day a bobby was patrolling on his town centre beat when a young man walked past him, reeking of cannabis. The officer detained him for a search, and sure enough found a significant quantity of weed.

Young Man: But officer, it's not mine! It's this jacket. Every time I flush this weed down a toilet it magically reappears within five minutes.

Officer: Likely story, you prove it. I tell you what - I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. If what you say is true, I'll let you go, otherwise you're coming in.

They go to a nearby public toilet where the young man flushes away the cannabis. Five minutes later, nothing has happened. Ten minutes later, still nothing has happened. The young man is standing there calmly while the officer is starting to get annoyed.

O: ( grumpily ) So where's this cannabis then?

YM: ( innocently ) Cannabis? What cannabis?


----------



## Dave Brookes




----------



## Doug B




----------



## gregmcateer

In celebration of father's day


----------



## Doug B




----------



## guineafowl21

Interested to see someone taking offence at jokes targeting a characteristic they have, but presumably chuckling at jokes aimed at others. Here’s my attempt at a universally non-offensive joke:

A man walked into a bar. It was an iron bar. Ouch.

“Hey, that’s not funny - I suffered life-changing injuries from an iron bar.” Sincerely, Phineas Gage (look it up).

Dammit.


----------



## Just4Fun

guineafowl21 said:


> Interested to see someone taking offence at jokes targeting a characteristic they have, but presumably chuckling at jokes aimed at others.


Who was it who said that the essence of good humour is that it should happen to somebody else?

Anyway, have you noticed the type of humour where people taking offence is built in to the joke? For example, the other day I told the old epileptic joke. You know the one:

Question: What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath?
Answer: Throw your washing in!

When I told this joke one of the group took offence because his brother has been an epileptic and he died in the bath. Of course I apologised and said I didn't realised his brother had drowned. Well, it turns out he didn't drown. He choked on a sock.


----------



## guineafowl21

It’d be pretty quiet here if each joke had to be crafted not to single out a particular characteristic or event.

I recently felt a jolt of annoyance at the old ‘British bad teeth’ stereotype being trotted out on Family Guy. Then I realised I had just chuckled at a scene showing Irishmen boozing and fighting.

No-one should be safe from humour, if it’s to be truly egalitarian. If a joke feels targeted at you, you shrug it off with a wry smile, in the knowledge that everyone else is a ‘target’ too.


----------



## Cozzer

Why do 'trouser coughs' smell?

So deaf people can appreciate 'em...



(Prepares to get roasted)


----------



## Doug B




----------



## dzj




----------



## RobinBHM

This is actually true, but there's a joke in it.....

Tomorrow I have a dental appointment at two- thirty.


It's not a joke for me, A great big filling fell out and I think I will have to have the tooth extracted leaving me with the only option of an implant


----------



## Inspector

Old joke Robin. Appointment at tooth hurty.

I do sympathize with the dilemma. If one tooth (depending on where in your mouth) live with the gap, implant or you get a partial plate.

Pete


----------



## D_W

For father's day, I got a pen that writes upside down. 


It can write lots of other words, too.


----------



## D_W

RobinBHM said:


> This is actually true, but there's a joke in it.....
> 
> Tomorrow I have a dental appointment at two- thirty.
> 
> 
> It's not a joke for me, A great big filling fell out and I think I will have to have the tooth extracted leaving me with the only option of an implant



Well, if you have to make up for a tooth gap by getting bigger boobs, I guess you gotta do whatever works.


----------



## Jester129

Less about bigger boobs, if you please. I'm on tablets for an enlarged prostate. Bet you can't guess what they give you! And that's no joke, I can assure you!


----------



## TRITON

Just4Fun said:


> Who was it who said that the essence of good humour is that it should happen to somebody else?
> 
> Anyway, have you noticed the type of humour where people taking offence is built in to the joke? For example, the other day I told the old epileptic joke. You know the one:
> 
> Question: What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath?
> Answer: Throw your washing in!
> 
> When I told this joke one of the group took offence because his brother has been an epileptic and he died in the bath. Of course I apologised and said I didn't realised his brother had drowned. Well, it turns out he didn't drown. He choked on a sock.


My mate pulled off a belter in a Glasgow pub, deep in the east end, known as a gangster hangout(also his friends)
At a party my mate got one of the guests to ask one of the gangsters about his sister piano playing abilities. It was a set up start to finish, led into it like a sheep to slaughter.
Gangster says. 
Think thats funny ??, think you're having a F***** laugh ?? with the straightest face ever. And it went on like that for a bit before he says, My Sister has thalidomide.
Mortification from the party guest, mate says he didnt know what to do. Though he was going to get stabbed or shot or something till my mate burst into laughter.
Oh those east end party jokes, a real laugh 

Same mate when we visited a pub that was pretty much just working fishermen, and we all were pleasure sailing in full hobby sailing attire. bit of a ruckus starts, one of what seemed like the biggest guy in there coming out with a fair bit of sarcasm, could have gotten nasty until my mate grabbed this guy by his belly fat, and went flooby flooby flooby.  Place went quiet, then the big guy burst out laughing. All ok after that.


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## RobinBHM

Inspector said:


> Old joke Robin. Appointment at tooth hurty.
> 
> I do sympathize with the dilemma. If one tooth (depending on where in your mouth) live with the gap, implant or you get a partial plate.
> 
> Pete



Unfortunately I've already got some teeth missing, so do want to lose this molar too.

Dentist is going to try and fill it again.


I saw the dentist at tooth hurty and I came out at wallet hurty


----------



## dzj




----------



## Phil Pascoe

There was an edition of the Sally Army mag. War Cry in the mid '70s that had a photo of a girl athlete doing the splits with the title under it reading "Is faith no more than a crutch?".


----------



## Stan

Advert for a hair salon seen on a noticeboard at work, contained the sentence:

"If we can't make you look good, you ugly!"


----------



## Jester129




----------



## Jester129




----------



## Jester129




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Stan

Scene: a courtroom in a country market town in 1890's England. Old Will, a poacher, stands in the dock. A pompous magistrate presides.

Magistrate: I have no doubt that you, Will, are a fecund liar. However, on this occasion I will have to let you go for lack of evidence.

Will: Arrrrrh. Thank'ee sir, you're a fecund good judge yerself. [ walks free ]


----------



## Garno




----------



## Thingybob

Oh dung i thought the Government said social distancing not Sexual Distancing (what too soon )


----------



## Just4Fun

The folks around here are looking forward to social distancing being cancelled so they can get back to their normal anti-social distancing. Here is a photo from 2016:


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Trainee neophyte

Not a joke, but I didn't know where else to post it:









Female Weightlifter Suffers Tragic Testicle Injury Just Weeks Before Tokyo Olympics


WELLINGTON, NEW ZEALAND—100% totally female weightlifter Laurel Hubbard was forced to bid farewell to her Olympic dreams yesterday after a tragic accident left her with a severely lacerated testicle. Hubbard would have been the first transgender woman to compete in the Olympics. The injury is...




babylonbee.com


----------



## John Brown

Trainee neophyte said:


> Not a joke, but I didn't know where else to post it:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Female Weightlifter Suffers Tragic Testicle Injury Just Weeks Before Tokyo Olympics
> 
> 
> WELLINGTON, NEW ZEALAND—100% totally female weightlifter Laurel Hubbard was forced to bid farewell to her Olympic dreams yesterday after a tragic accident left her with a severely lacerated testicle. Hubbard would have been the first transgender woman to compete in the Olympics. The injury is...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> babylonbee.com


Babylon bee? Described as a satirical evangelical Christian source.
You were wrong. It is a joke.


----------



## Robbo3

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick’s Catholic Church ..
‘Father’, he confessed, ‘ it been one month now since my last confession…
I was intimate with Fanny Green twice last month ..’
The priest told the sinner, ‘You are forgiven .. Go out and say three Hail Mary’s ..’
Soon thereafter, Another Irish man entered the confessional
‘Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I’ve had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months ..’
This time, the priest questioned, ‘Who IS this Fanny Green .. ?’
‘A new woman in the neighbourhood father, he replied. …
‘Very well’, sighed the priest .. Go and say ten Hail Mary’s’ ..
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous Redheaded woman entered the sanctuary ..
The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest ..
Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching shiny emerald-green shoes ..
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn’t wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the Altar boy and whispered, ‘Is That Fanny Green …?’
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn’t believe his ears but managed to calmly reply,‘No Father, I think it’s just a Reflection from her shoes’ …!!’


----------



## stuart little

I wanted some eucalyptus wood, so thought about looking on ebay, but a mate said to try Gumtree!


----------



## Robbo3

An Irish man in Italy
He offered her a drink and over the course of the night, he charmed her with funny Irish stories and songs.
She’d never had a night like it before and decided to invite him back to her room.
They had a passionate affair all that summer. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he gave her a large sum of money and told her to go back to Italy to secretly have the child.
He said that if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write ‘Spaghetti’ on the back.
He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
‘Honey!,’ she said, ‘you received a very strange post card today.’
‘Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it later,’ he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
One with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## niemeyjt




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Robbo3

Doug B said:


> View attachment 112855


Not wishing to pour cold water on someone elses post but there are a lot of these wrong origins going around.

Rule of Thumb - Rule of thumb - Wikipedia
Golf - Golf: Gentlemen Only, Ladies Forbidden? | Snopes.com
Four Kings - Four Kings in Deck of Cards | Snopes.com
Sleep Tight - 'Sleep tight' - the meaning and origin of this phrase
Honeymoon - Honeymoon - Wikipedia


----------



## Robbo3

Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says,
“As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there’s a wee place. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he’ll buy the fifth drink.”
“Well,” said the Englishman, “At my local in London, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.”
“Ahhh, dat’s nothin’,” said the Irishman, “back home in my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they’ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually.
Then, when you’ve had enough drinks, they’ll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house!”
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.
The Irishman swore every word was true.
Then the Englishman asked, “Did this actually happen to you?” “Not to me, personally, no,” admitted the Irishman, “but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.”


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Robbo3

Father Flannigan, an elderly priest invited Father O'Connell, a younger priest from a neighboring parish who was fresh from the seminary, over for dinner. 
During the meal, the young priest couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the house keeper was. Over the course of the evening he started to wonder if there was more between the elderly priest and the housekeeper than met the eye. 
Reading the young priest's thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional." 
About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said, "Father Flannigan, ever since the Father O'Connell came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it do you?" The priest said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just sure." So he sat down and wrote: 
"Dear Father O'Connell I thoroughly enjoyed our conversation at dinner the other night and hope we have the opportunity to do so again. On another matter. We had a beautiful silver ladle which was a gift from a parishioner that comes to visit from time to time. The ladle has come up missing and I would be very embarrassed to invite her over and she notice the missing ladle. It is very important that it be found. Now, I'm not saying that you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here." 
Several days later the elderly priest received a letter from the young priest which read: 
"Dear Father Flannigan, I also enjoyed our dinner and conversation and hope note only that we do so again, but also that I be permitted to return the favor. On the other matter. Now, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now."


----------



## Doug B

the joys of hashtags


----------



## Turnr77

Doug B said:


> the joys of hashtags
> 
> View attachment 113004



Reminds me of the genuine one created for the launch party for Susan Boyle's new album a couple of years back

*#susanalbumparty*


----------



## Just4Fun

I'm sure experts-exchange.com never used to have a hyphen but a quick search failed to turn up anything to confirm that. Is my memory faulty or do I have a very different problem?


----------



## Turnr77

Then there's penisland.net


----------



## DrPhill

Here are some more: 30 Unintentionally Inappropriate Domain Names


----------



## Doug B




----------



## RobinBHM

What is red and smells like blue paint?


















Red paint


----------



## Robbo3

Mrs Murphy is looking for the grave of her late husband (a notorious criminal) as it has been a while since she was there. She goes to the cemetary's management office and says "I am looking for my husbands grave" "Ok madam", say"s the director "What was his name?" "John Murphy" she answers. He looks through his large book for quite a time and says "sorry there are no John Murphys in our cemetary, nothing but one Mary murphy". The woman brightens up and says "Of course that's it, he put everything in my name"


----------



## Garno

Doug B said:


> the joys of hashtags
> 
> View attachment 113004


----------



## Cozzer

Two absolutely true stories for you :

Remember Stuart Hall, TV presenter, "It's a Knockout", etc.?
Many years ago he was attempting to start his own travel business, and had actually approached two of my work colleagues in an effort to poach them from their employer (but that's another story).
His chosen trading name was initially _*S*_tuart _*H*_all _*I*_nternational _*T*_ravel, until someone spotted that the logo on the business letterheads didn't look too good....

Also going around was a 1/4 page advert in the Travel Trade Gazette, proudly confirming that the airline in question had (I suppose) beaten the opposition to carry all the delegates/speakers/what-have-you to (something like) The 5th Symposium of Venereal Disease.
The ad proudly continued "Official Carrier - Singapore Airlines"


----------



## Stan

What is brown and sticky?


A stick!


----------



## paulrbarnard

Stan said:


> What is brown and sticky?
> 
> 
> A stick!


My favourite joke of all time.


----------



## Robbo3

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. “Why of course,” comes the reply.
The first man then asks: “Where are you from?”
“I’m from Ireland,” replies the second man.
The first man responds: “You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s have another round to Ireland.”
“Of Course,” replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: “Where in Ireland are you from?”
“Dublin,” comes the reply.
“I can’t believe it,” says the first man.
“I’m from Dublin too! Let’s have another drink to Dublin.”
“Of course,” replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: “What school did you go to?”
“Saint Mary’s,” replies the second man.
“I graduated in ’62.”
“This is unbelievable!” the first man says.
“I went to Saint Mary’s and I graduated in ’62, too!”
About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. “What’s been going on?” he asks the bartender.
“Nothing much,” replies the bartender. “The O’Malley twins are drunk again…”


----------



## selectortone




----------



## Phil Pascoe

Oh deer...


----------



## Just4Fun

I was recently offered 8 legs of venison for £200 but I thought no, it is too dear.


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Cabinetman

Doug B said:


> View attachment 113176


 Brill! That’s probably a lucrative business to be getting into, I imagine that just a battery car is very susceptible to this.


----------



## dzj




----------



## Tim Nott

The colonel, inspecting the troops, says "Private Smith, I didn't see you at camouflage practice today."
"Thank you sir."


----------



## Robbo3

The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.
“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”
“Oh, no,” exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## stuart little

Doug B said:


> View attachment 113176


This is the answer to get a longer range from an EV, tow one of these!


----------



## stuart little

Tim Nott said:


> The colonel, inspecting the troops, says "Private Smith, I didn't see you at camouflage practice today."
> "Thank you sir."


I've been looking for camo. shorts for years - never found any yet!!?


----------



## Stan

Thought for the day for squaddies:

Friendly fire....isn't.


----------



## dzj




----------



## Tim Nott

Who made the original round table?
Sir Cumference


----------



## stuart little

Stan said:


> Thought for the day for squaddies:
> 
> Friendly fire....isn't.


If your name's William, do NOT sign up, why? - "Fire at will!!"


----------



## Doug B

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. 'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?' 'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.' 

He's still in intensive care


----------



## selectortone




----------



## mikej460

A strong wind completely blew Ukraine off the map.
It must have been a Harry Kane


----------



## Cozzer

I coughed up a bit of phlegm and sneezed at the same time.

Then a scouser appeared and said "Not bad mate, how are you?"


----------



## Cozzer

The wife and I decided to spice up our sex life, so we got a Kama Sutra and tried out some of the stuff in it.

We did The Tortoise, then we did The Inverted Crow.

That's when the RSPCA turned up.


----------



## Cozzer

I had a happy childhood - my Dad would put me inside a tyre and roll me down a hill.

They were Goodyears.


----------



## Cozzer

So the 2021 "city of culture" is Coventry.
Let's be honest - the only culture you're likely to find there is a yeast infection...


----------



## Cozzer

I was having a cr4p on the toilet when my wife walked past the door.
She said, "Jesus Christ! Make sure you spray when you're finished!"
So I did.
Now she's complaining that there's pi55 everywhere...

You just can't win with that woman.


----------



## Blackswanwood

*



*


----------



## selectortone

When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau.


----------



## Stan

Cozzer said:


> I had a happy childhood - my Dad would put me inside a tyre and roll me down a hill.
> 
> They were Goodyears.




Good job they weren't Firestone.


----------



## Just4Fun

My dad used Avons and rolled me door-to-door


----------



## Stan

What goes "ding dong.......ding dong", in a mournful wailing tone of voice?


A dying Avon Lady.


----------



## Cozzer

"I", boasted the balloon pilot,"am the greatest balloon pilot in the land. Probably the world! You couldn't be in safer hands!"
His passengers in the basket were mightily impressed, some even breaking into applause.
"Yes", he continued,"I can fly in the thickest of fogs, and the lowest and densest of clouds, and still manage to judge an accurate height of just 6 feet above the ground..."
There's always one doubting Thomas, of course, so one of his passengers challenged him, saying "Look down there, then! Thick, thick cloud, and then the densest of ground mist or fog! Get us down there!"
The pilot skilfully adjusted his burner, and started moving his weighted sand bags from one side of the basket to the other. The balloon gently descended, much to the amazement of the passengers on board.
"Ladies and gentlemen, we are now hovering a mere 6' off the ground!"
A round of applause greeted the rather grand announcement.
"In fact", continued the pilot,"I can confirm that a local resident and has even come out to greet us, and is extending his hand upwards in friendship!"
The pilot leaned out of the basket, shook the resident by the hand, before announcing the balloon was about to rise.
"Farewell! Farewell!"
A few seconds later, the doubting Thomas spoke in admiration.
"Astounding skill, pilot! Amazing! To put us down safely, through all the cloud and fog...skill indeed!"
"Not only that, sir", responded the pilot,"I can tell you exactly where we were... Liverpool"
The passengers were stunned. 
"How on earth can you know that?! All the cloud! All that fog! And only a handshake from a local!"
"Easy", said the pilot."My wristwatch has gone..."


----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Jameshow

Stan said:


> What goes "ding dong.......ding dong", in a mournful wailing tone of voice?
> 
> 
> A dying Avon Lady.


Or a dying JW! 

Cheers James


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## stuart little

JW ?


----------



## Cozzer

Jehovah's...


----------



## stuart little

Thanks, never thought of them - I don't get 'em anymore since telling them 'I'm an atheist!'


----------



## Cozzer

Funnily enough, we've just had an invite through the door - "Dear neighbour" (!) to a 3 day event that our local ....erm.... ones are holding at their kingdom hall.
Three days!
Suspect I'll be washing my hair! Or watching the football! Or Wimbledon!
(****ing anything!)


----------



## Phil Pascoe

I worked seven nights on, seven off. I was feeling quite ill, and having trouble sleeping. I was just drifting off to sleep at 4pm when the doorbell rang. Everyone who knew me knew I was either out or asleep at that time of day, so I ignored it. A couple of minutes later it rang again for a little longer. I did nothing. A few minutes later it rang again ........... and went on, and on, and on ......... It must be an emergency, I thought, so I dressed and answered the door. An elderly woman and the usual twelve or thirteen year old girl smiled benignly and the woman said "hello ....... we've come to talk about world peace. I don't usually swear at women but I said if you don't Foxtrot Oscar, there won't be any.  I never saw them again.


----------



## Cabinetman

Cozzer said:


> Funnily enough, we've just had an invite through the door - "Dear neighbour" (!) to a 3 day event that our local ....erm.... ones are holding at their kingdom hall.
> Three days!
> Suspect I'll be washing my hair! Or watching the football! Or Wimbledon!
> (****ing anything!)


 Yes I got one as did all my neighbours, handwritten three sides sent through the post and the lady even included her mobile number – I was so tempted! But no leave them alone in their little crazy bubble.


----------



## Garno

I got rid of our local ones by answering the door wearing nothing but my budgie smugglers and a "Here's Johnny" grin on my face.
Mrs G told me to get in and start acting my age.

That happened about 5 years ago and to this day we have not had a JW call.


----------



## NormanB

stuart little said:


> Thanks, never thought of them - I don't get 'em anymore since telling them 'I'm an atheist!'


Do you really believe that?


----------



## dzj

If you turn the garden hose on them, they run away.


----------



## Ozi

As a student I shared a house with someone who was training to be a minister so people arriving on the doorstep holding bibles was a common occurrence. Once you've invited them in made tea and toast before finding out who they are you will never get rid of them it's easier to just move house.


----------



## Cozzer

A mate of mine claimed he'd eaten 5 tins of Alphabet soup, one after the other.
Said he'd subsequently had the biggest vowel movement ever.


----------



## Cozzer

Ozi said:


> As a student I shared a house with someone who was training to be a minister so people arriving on the doorstep holding bibles was a common occurrence. Once you've invited them in made tea and toast before finding out who they are you will never get rid of them it's easier to just move house.



Yet another true story for you.... A few years ago, a friend of mine was an airline rep based in the north of England. His wife had got entangled with this bunch, and he feared for his marriage and the upbringing of their child. Long story short, he put up with it for a number of years before begging his employer to relocate him to another area. Credit to them, they managed to appoint him to a similar position in the Midlands, so house sale/new property purchase was sought and found. He'd somehow managed to "get through" to his wife that their marriage was more important, and so she and their child had agreed to move as well.
Literally on the day they moved, guess who came knocking at their (new) door to welcome them to the new neighbourhood....

Poor souls. Lost touch with him years ago, but let's hope all worked out well in the end.


----------



## Jameshow

They must monitor house sales to know who is moving.....!


----------



## Cozzer

Jameshow said:


> They must monitor house sales to know who is moving.....!


They do, my friend - that was my point.
All the halls keep in contact with each other.

Ironic, how this subject has crept into the Joke Thread. They're anything but funny.


----------



## sploo

Cozzer said:


> A mate of mine claimed he'd eaten 5 tins of Alphabet soup, one after the other.
> Said he'd subsequently had the biggest vowel movement ever.


Wow. His trip to the toilet must have spelled disaster.


----------



## Phil Pascoe

A good friend married a woman whose first husband was a JW and their children were brought up JWs. She got out of it but was pursued for years -she became alcoholic, and his life was a misery. She died a horrible death a few years ago and he's had serious depression ever since. They have a lot to answer for.


----------



## Thingybob

Thats it you let the bloody JWs into this thread we will never get rid of em now ☹☹


----------



## Jameshow

Sorry!!!! 

Cheers James


----------



## Jameshow

All religions based in good works are going to lead to very undesirable consequences. 

As a minister freind once remarked to a JW God is just as leased with me watching EastEnders as if I were knocking in a 100 doors. Must have messed with the JW head!! 

There endeth the sermon!! 

Cheers James


----------



## AES

Phil Pascoe said:


> A good friend married a woman whose first husband was a JW and their children were brought up JWs. She got out of it but was pursued for years -she became alcoholic, and his life was a misery. She died a horrible death a few years ago and he's had serious depression ever since. They have a lot to answer for.



I too was surprised that this "joke" thread has turned into an anti-JW thread somehow. But I must agree, Phil. I have a family member who married a JW "lady" and had 3 kids with her. When he finally broke away and divorced, the wife vowed he would never see his kids again, and with 2 of them, over 30 years later, that's turned out to be true. Fortunately the 3rd child has seen sense, but it has broken that family, permanently it seems. Absolutely appalling behaviour by anyone, even more so for someone professing to follow the tenets of any "religion".

And IMO, the mormons are not much better.

I haven't heard seen/heard any good jokes recently, sorry, but can someone get us back onto the jokes thread again please.


----------



## NickWelford

Garno said:


> I got rid of our local ones by answering the door wearing nothing but my budgie smugglers and a "Here's Johnny" grin on my face.
> Mrs G told me to get in and start acting my age.
> 
> That happened about 5 years ago and to this day we have not had a JW call.



it works even better if you answer the door completely starkers. So I practice home naturism, any problem with that?


----------



## selectortone

_



_


----------



## stuart little

Thingybob said:


> Thats it you let the bloody JWs into this thread we will never get rid of em now ☹☹


At least one good thing with covid, it's kept the JWs away!


----------



## stuart little

AES said:


> I too was surprised that this "joke" thread has turned into an anti-JW thread somehow. But I must agree, Phil. I have a family member who married a JW "lady" and had 3 kids with her. When he finally broke away and divorced, the wife vowed he would never see his kids again, and with 2 of them, over 30 years later, that's turned out to be true. Fortunately the 3rd child has seen sense, but it has broken that family, permanently it seems. Absolutely appalling behaviour by anyone, even more so for someone professing to follow the tenets of any "religion".
> 
> And IMO, the mormons are not much better.
> 
> I haven't heard seen/heard any good jokes recently, sorry, but can someone get us back onto the jokes thread again please.


I agree, we must get back on track so I'm off to produce some sawdust & chips. 🛩 (that's the only 'plane' I could find)


----------



## Jonzjob

I just fitted 2 new servos in my new Lidl plane


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Garden Shed Projects

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?




A carrot!


----------



## AES

Garden Shed Projects said:


> What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> A carrot!



They're getting "better"  

Thanks for that (I think)!


----------



## Cozzer

Mary had a little lamb, it sat upon a pylon
10,000 volts went up its 4rse, and now it's made of nylon


----------



## Cozzer

I'm normally not superstitious, but there's something weird I've noticed....
The World's Oldest Man has died at the age of 113.

This keeps happening. I think the title must be jinxed.


----------



## Cozzer

Two 90 year old men, Fred and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
It's clear that Joe is dying, so Fred visits him every day.
_"Joe, we have both loved football all our lives, and we played Sunday football together for so many years. Do me a favour, please? When you get to Heaven, try to let me know if there's football there."_
Joe looks up at Fred from his death bed...
"Fred, you've been my best friend for many years. Rest assured, if I can, I will...."

Joe didn't make it through the night....

At midnight a couple of nights later, Fred is awakened from his sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him.

"Fred! FRED!"
"_Who is it?"_ asks Fred sitting up suddenly.
"Who is it?!" Who is it?! It's me, Joe!"
_"You can't be! You're not Joe. Joe just died."_
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe!" insists the voice.
_"Joe! Where are you?!"_
"I'm actually In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news for you, and a little bad news."
_"Tell me the good news first!"_ says Fred.
"The good news," Joe says," is that there IS football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too! Even better than that, we're all young again! Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows! And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired!"
"_That's fantastic!_" says Fred. _"It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"_
"You're playing Tuesday."


----------



## dzj




----------



## Cozzer

As Elton John thinks "Sorry" is the hardest word, he's obviously never visited Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.


(Ayethangqueue)


----------



## Phil Pascoe

dzj said:


> View attachment 113648


Why the stick of dynamite by the chair?


----------



## AES

Cozzer said:


> Mary had a little lamb, it sat upon a pylon
> 10,000 volts went up its 4rse, and now it's made of nylon



Definitely raising the whole tone of the thread now.


----------



## loftyhermes

Two blondes walk into a bar, you'd have thought one of them would have seen it.


----------



## Turnr77

Two blondes out on a walk in the country come across some tracks,

"Look at these" says one "I think they're fox tracks"
"No" says the second "I think they're deer tracks"
Again the first Blonde ponders and says "actually look how big they are, we're not far from the zoo I think they could be from an escaped lion!"

Then the train hit them.........


----------



## dzj

Phil Pascoe said:


> Why the stick of dynamite by the chair?


Fun Fact: In every Bizarro comic strip there's always a slice of pie, an eyeball, and/or a stick of dynamite.


----------



## Ozi

Cozzer said:


> Mary had a little lamb, it sat upon a pylon
> 10,000 volts went up its 4rse, and now it's made of nylon


When Mary had a little lamb
the midwife was surprised
but when McDonald had a farm
She couldn't believe her eyes!


----------



## loftyhermes

Mary had a little lamb,
couldn't stop it grunting,
took it down the garden path
and kicked it's back and front in.
That's the clean version.


----------



## Inspector

loftyhermes said:


> Mary had a little lamb,
> couldn't stop it grunting,
> took it down the garden path
> and kicked it's back and front in.
> That's the clean version.



I only knew the unprintable version about a pig so didn't mention it.

Pete


----------



## mikej460

See how long it takes you


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Thingybob

Oh thats so much better back to the thread Now dont answer the bloody door bell again


----------



## stuart little

AES said:


> They're getting "better"
> 
> Thanks for that (I think)!


Austria has a navy, so why can't Switzerland?


----------



## Jameshow

Thingybob said:


> Oh thats so much better back to the thread Now dont answer the bloody door bell again


Knock knock.....


----------



## stuart little

Old McDonald had a farm
When it burnt down
Old McDonald opened a take-away,


----------



## stuart little

Jameshow said:


> Knock knock.....


Who's there?


----------



## Jonzjob




----------



## Jonzjob

Mary had a little lamb
She kept it in a bucket
Every time the lamb got out
The bulldog used to put it back



I couldn't think of a rhyme for the last line


----------



## Jameshow

stuart little said:


> Who's there?



Would you like a copy of the watchtower .....! 

I'll get my coat!


----------



## Thingybob

Jameshow said:


> Knock knock.....


Cor theres a couple of big knockers at the door (sounds like a carry on script )


----------



## Just4Fun

Jonzjob said:


> I couldn't think of a rhyme for the last line


Many, many moons ago there was a magazine called Car and Car Conversions. Everyone called it Triple C. They ran a competition to win a competition seat made by Corbeau. The competition involved completing a limerick that started:

_There was a young man called Joe
Who bought a new seat from Corbeau_

My friends and I tried to produce a winning limmerick. Our juvenile sense of humour thought one friend's suggestion was hilarious:

_There was a young man called Joe
Who bought a new seat from Corbeau
He'd have got one for free
If he'd read Triple C
And written a limerick that rhymed_

We didn't win.


----------



## Garden Shed Projects




----------



## Cozzer

Seeing we're into poetry now....

Cast adrift
In an open boat,
With only the sea
To keep us,
Afloat.

(Spike Milligna.
Well-known typing error)


----------



## Cozzer

The new Sales Director stood up at the board meeting.
_"Ladies and gents...you're well aware that this is the start of our annual advertising campaign, and to bring things up to date, I decided we should have a TV campaign..."_
Murmurs of approval from the other board members, with lots of nodding from people who'd done absolutely nothing but take dividends, year after year.
_"To that end",_ continued the Sales boy,_"if you care to watch the TV over there, I shall shortly play you the very latest *Corbyn Clout Nails and Fixings Ltd.* commercial..."_
"But how much did it cost?" asked one old boy, no doubt thinking of his annual divi.
_"Granted, a lot,"_ answered the SD, _"in fact, an awful lot of money. We got some soap stars involved, and they don't come cheap. The best director too - we had to virtually drag him off a film set to get involved! We've also paid extra for the prime-time TV slots - half time through Coronation Street! Peak viewing! None of this comes cheap! In truth, I've also blown next year's budget as well..."_
At this, even the MD stirred from his normal board meeting slumber...

The SD pressed a button on his remote, and the TV burst into life.
Stirring music, a wide panoramic vista. The camera slowly zoomed in on what appeared to be....a crucifixion on a distant hillside? The camera kept on zooming...
Dark clouds appeared behind the cross, before a bolt of light illuminated a man's crucified hand, with the camera zooming in close enough to focus on the nail head..."*Corbyn's Clout Nails and Fixings Ltd*" embossed around the outer edge.
A voice over repeated the company name, as the music finally tailed away.

A momentary shocked silence was broken by the MD...
"Nay, nay, lad! You'll get us all bloody lynched! There'll be riots on the streets! God almighty! No, no, no! This can't go out! It'd finish us!"

The board meeting descended into absolute chaos, with fellow directors baying for the SD's dismissal - at the very least. The two lady members were so shocked, they had to be treated with smelling salts in order to "come round".
The SD, realising he'd gone too far, was now fighting for his position, and promised everyone there that the ad would be altered.
_"Meet here in a week's time, and I'll be able to show you the new version!" _he promised.

A week past, and the same motley crew were again seated in the board room. The air was tense. The SD rose...

_"Here's the new ad. I realise I overstepped the sensibilities of some - if not all - here last week, so I have rewritten the campaign in order to put our company in a better, and far more positive, light."_

It was squeaky-bum time as the SD pressed his remote.
Stirring music, a wide panoramic vista. The camera slowly zoomed in on what appeared to be....a crucifixion on a distant hillside.
An audible groan went around the board room. It appeared to be exactly the same as before! Nervous tension got to one member, who failed to stop breaking wind. It was actually one of the ladies - that's how tense the atmosphere was....
Dark clouds appeared behind the cross, before a bolt of light illuminated a man's crucified hand, with the camera zooming in close enough to focus on the nail head...but this time, it was blank. They then saw the executed man's head appear, stretching to reach the nail with his teeth, slowly gripping it, pulling it out before spitting it away. He did the same on the other hand, leapt down from his position before doing a runner across the hillside.
_"Wait for it! Wait for it!"_ shouted the Sales Director excitedly.
The camera focussed on two centurions standing beside the cross.
One looked at the other and said, "That wouldn't have happened if they'd used *Corbyn's Clout Nails and Fixings...."*


----------



## Inspector

PEEING ON MY FLOWERS
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. " Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing ."OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."

Pete


----------



## Ithica

Id rather have a full bottle in front of me that a full frontal lobotomy.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Pineapple

stuart little said:


> Who's there?


Lady Day ! - (response= "Lady Day Who ?") - I didn't know you could yodel - do that again !"


----------



## Oraclebhoy

Garden Shed Projects said:


> What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
> A carrot!


What’s green, 12ft long, has 22 balls and if it fell out at tree it would kill you?

A snooker table


----------



## Oraclebhoy

Jameshow said:


> Knock knock.....


That reminds me,

who invented knock knock jokes?

Two wee chaps.


----------



## Cabinetman

? Lost me with that one,


----------



## gregmcateer

Cabinetman said:


> ? Lost me with that one,



Too short to reach the doorbell


----------



## Stan

A man was thrown into a Soviet era prison cell, only to find there was another man already in there. The two men eyeballed each other warily in silence, as it was known that the authorities sometimes planted stooges to trick prisoners.

After a couple of days, the new guy plucked up courage to speak.

New Guy: What are you in for?

Old Guy: Anti state activities.

N: How long did you get?

O: Twenty years.

N: That's a bit unfair!

O: Not really, it's about the going rate. What are you in for?

N: ( angrily ) Nothing!

O: How long did you get?

N: Five years.

O: Now that really is unfair. It's only two years for doing nothing.


----------



## Oraclebhoy

gregmcateer said:


> Too short to reach the doorbell



chap is a Scottish phrase, it means to knock.


----------



## dzj




----------



## Cozzer

Two guys at the bar...
_"You'll never believe it, Sam, what happened to me on the way home from here last night..."_
"Go on - try me"
_"Well, decided to take the short cut home...y'know...footpath, up beside the railway line.."_
"Yup - I know it."
_"Well, I couldn't believe my eyes! Just past the allotments on the right, I saw something on the track! A blonde, tied to the rails!"_
"Ye Gods! What the hell did you do?!"
_"Obviously I went and untied her! Ropes round her hands and feet, but thankfully I managed to undo the knots! Picked her up, put her over my shoulder, and carried her home!"_
"Bloody hell, Syd! Good on ya!"
_"It was only when I got her home that I realised what a perfect figure she had! Beautiful, beautiful breasts, fantastic legs as long as you like..blonde like I said..."_
"Crikey!"
_"Mind you...I'm not feeling very proud of myself..."_
"Not proud?!"
_"Well, no...because of what I've just told you, I ...erm...couldn't help myself. She was so,so perfect...I've never had an experience like that...and I let myself down, I'm afraid. It was a case of trousers down, and...well...you know."_
"Ah. That's not good, Syd. Not good at all. Mind you, if she was pretty, I guess some of us would weaken. Tell me, figure like a model, but was she pretty as well?"
_"Pretty? Don't know, actually. I never did find her head...."_


----------



## Phil Pascoe

Must have had matching collar and cuffs or he wouldn't have known she was blonde.


----------



## Cozzer

Phil Pascoe said:


> Must have had matching collar and cuffs or he wouldn't have known she was blonde.



Quite.
It is a joke, y'know! Not an episode of Silent Witness!


----------



## Robbo3

Little Sean was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?" She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling." Little Sean said, "Oh, right." Satisfied with the answer he went back outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later Sean came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Liam's mum wants to talk to you."


----------



## daftdog

Mary had a little lamb
she also had a bear
I have often seen her little lamb 
But never seen her


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Stan

Mary had a metal cow.
She milked it with a spanner.
The milk came out in shilling tins
and little ones for a tanner.


----------



## selectortone




----------



## kwigly

Mary had a little lamb,
her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
between two lumps of bread.


----------



## gwaithcoed

Mary had a little lamb 
It had a sooty foot
And every where that Mary went
It's sooty foot he put


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Tim Nott

A friend has 2 tickets in a corporate box for the England v Italy game on Sunday. He paid £3000 each, but he didn't realise when he bought them months ago that it was going to be the same day as his wedding! If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...
It's at Nottingham Registry Office, at 4pm. Her name is Sharon -- she's 5'4", about 8 stone, quite pretty, has her own income and is a really good cook! Oh and double jabbed!


----------



## sploo

dzj said:


> View attachment 113748


That reminded me of the excellent XKCD strip: Meltdown and Spectre

(though granted, it's a very technical/geek gag that's going to be meaningless to non-computing nerds)


----------



## Inspector

There once was a woman who begat
three babies named Nat, Pat and Tat.
It was heaven in the breeding
and hell in the feeding
because there was no tit for Tat.

Pete


----------



## TRITON

Mary had a little bike, and rode it on the grass.
And every time the wheel went round, a spoke stuck up her a**


----------



## Trainee neophyte

My older sister had a little poem she was fond of at the age of about 8, back in the days of 3 day weeks and power cuts etc:

Mary had a little lamb, she thought it rather silly
She threw it up into the air and caught it by the
Willy was a sheepdog, lying in the grass,
Along came a snake and bit it on the
Ask no questions, tell no lies,
I saw a policeman doing up his
Flies are a nuisance, bees are worse,
This is the end of my silly little verse.

Why can i remember that from a previous centuary, but not where i just put my pencil?

I'll try to find something slightly more grown up next time, and a tad more up to date.


----------



## spanner48

daftdog said:


> Mary had a little lamb
> she also had a bear
> I have often seen her little lamb
> But never seen her



This is the second stage in the "Mary had a little Lamb" school of binging up children. Stage 1 is when baby is in mother's arms, and mother is crooning to her:

"Mary had a little Lamb
It's fleece was white as snow
And everywhere thatMary went, the Lamb was sure to go"

Ahhhhh . . . .how sweet!

Stage 2 is when toddler goes off to kindergarten and infants' school, and comes home with the version you mentioned, designed to annoy infant school teachers:

"Mary had a little lamb
She also had a bear
I have often seen her little lamb
But never seen her . . . "

Then, a few short years later, she goes off to big school, and comes back with the Stage 3 version, designed to annoy secondary school teachers:

"Mary had a little Lamb
She kept it in a bucket
And every time the Lamb got out
The bulldog tried to ……put it back in again"

Finally, if all goes well, she's off to uni, and comes back with Stage 4; the undergraduate version:

"Mary had a little Lamb
mmm . . . . ..
That's what you get from sleeping in the sheep shed"


----------



## Stan

Roses are red, violets are blue.
So goes the age-old rhyme.
But I know Rose's are blue and Violet's are red -
I've seen them hanging on the line.


----------



## Ithica

Q. What is the difference between Jamie Oliver and a cross country run? 
A. I don't know. What is the difference?
A. One is a pant in the country .......


----------



## Sachakins

What's the difference between a magicians wand and a policemans trunchon
One is for cunning stunts 
The other is for stunning .......


----------



## Turnr77

What's the difference between a Nun kneeling in prayer and a woman kneeling in the bath?
One has hope in her soul, the other has soap.............


----------



## John Brown

What's the difference between a dachshund and a street trader?


One bawls his wares on the pavement.


----------



## Cozzer

An Englishman, Scotsman, Irishman, Welshman, Ghurka, Latvian, Turk, Aussie, Kiwi, German, Yank, South African, Cypriot, Egyptian, Jap, Mexican, Spaniard, Russian, Pole, Lithuanian, Swede, Finn, Israeli, Dane, Romanian, Bulgarian, Serb, Swiss, Greek, Italian, Norwegian, Libyan, Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist and Ethiopian went to a night club.


The doorman refused them entry - he couldn't let them in without a Thai.


----------



## Ithica

A quiche went into a pub and ordered a pint of bitter and a ham sandwich. The barman said 'Sorry, we don't serve food here'.


----------



## Stan

> ET goes into a pub and walks up to the bar.

ET: Half a lager and a packet of crisps please.

Barman: Sorry sir we don't serve aliens here.

ET: Huh ( walks out in disgust ).

> Further down the road is another pub, so he decides to give it a try. He goes up to the bar.

ET: (politely) Half a lager and a packet of crisps please.

Barman: (angrily) Can't you read?

> The barman points up to a sign behind the bar written in large unfriendly letters, which clearly says "NO ALIENS SERVED HERE". ET stomps out in a right mood. After walking around for a bit in the cool evening air to moderate his anger, he decides to try another pub. He goes in and walks up to speak to the barman, who is busy.

ET: ( interrupts ) Look! I know what you're going to say. You're going to tell me that aliens are not allowed. But if you just let me have a quiet drink in a corner somewhere, it will be drinks on me for everyone all night.

Barman: Certainly sir. How can I help you?

ET: Half a lager and a packet of crisps please.

> The barman serves ET, who then spends the next couple of hours in a corner quietly enjoying his drink. The rest of the pub is a near riot, however. As word gets round people come flooding in and are drinking like there is no tomorrow! At closing time the pub starts to empty, with rowdy and happy people mixing together. The barman comes up to ET flicking through a very long till receipt.

Barman: Thank you very much sir. That will be £15,455 and 27p please.

> ET reaches into a hidden pocket and pulls out a strange object the size of a box of matches. It looks like a cube that slowly morphs into other shapes and back again. While doing so, it glistens and goes through various pastel shades. He offers the object to the barman.

ET: No problem. Have you got change of a glonk?

Barman: ( clenches teeth )......


----------



## JobandKnock

Cabinetman said:


> Your starter for 10 where is this from, " don’t look Ethel , but it was too late she's already been incensed."


"Oh, yes, they call him the Streak
- fastest thing on two feet..."

Haven't heard Ray Stevens in a while, but I do recall there being a bit of an epidemic of that sort of thing at the time of the song...


----------



## Stan

While on the above subject --

Two old ladies were sitting in deck chairs on the beach when a streaker ran past. One had a stroke ...

.....the other couldn't reach.


----------



## mikej460




----------



## daftdog

A motorist careers across four lanes of traffic mounts the payment smashes through the pub door and comes to rest against the bar and asks the barman for a large whisky, The bar says your dunk already you should be reported for drunk and disorderly.
Is he liable for prosecution?


A only if he has his car with him


----------



## Cozzer

I knew my business colleague was a bit of a wild one, so I got quite worried when I heard that we were both being sent to Bangkok for a seminar, and especially when I heard we were going to share a twin room.
He'd certainly got an eye for the ladies.
Unmarried and with absolutely no morals or conscience, it was a case of "if it's got a pulse, it's fair game..."
We split up after the hotel check-in, and I went for a local walk-about.
Some hours later, I returned to the hotel room to find him lounging about, totally naked and obviously aroused, with 3 barely-dressed local girls giggling on the other side of the room.
_"Jezza!"_, I snapped,"_what the hell are you doing?! The official welcome dinner's tonight, and we've got to get suited and booted!"_
"It's OK pal", he replied, "I'm just trying to decide which Thai to put on...."


----------



## nickds1

Two prawns were swimming around in the sea. One called Justin and the other called Kristian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Kristian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten".
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted".

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old friend.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old chums simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin gradually realised that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam to Kristian's home.

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again".

Kristian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner".
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed..."

"I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Kristian".


----------



## Inspector

Nick we need a groan button.  

Pete


----------



## mikej460

So I arrived at the restaurant a bit early for a family meal.
"Would you mind waiting for a while?" asked the manager.
"Not at all," I replied.
"Good," he said. 
"Take these 2 Coq au Vins over to the couple by the window, then start clearing tables 4 and 7".


----------



## Cordy

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Dave, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a spanner out of her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty-one feet, six inches," and walked away.

One engineer shook his head and laughed, "Typical blonde! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"


----------



## Ithica

mikej460 said:


> So I arrived at the restaurant a bit early for a family meal.
> "Would you mind waiting for a while?" asked the manager.
> "Not at all," I replied.
> "Good," he said.
> "Take these 2 Coq au Vins over to the couple by the window, then start clearing tables 4 and 7".



On the question of French dishes (apologies, Mike, the plural is coqs au van. I'm trying to revisit O level French and its grim progress) General de Gaulle had a dry, Gallic sense of humour. In the 1960s he promoted independence for Algeria. Senior and retired army officers opposed this and formed a group, the OAS, with the intent and means to assassinate de Gaulle. There had already been one attempt so when the entire Parachute Regiment (hardened veterans of the Indochina war) gathered in Marseille, against government orders, there was a rumour they would travel to Paris by train intent on a coup d'etat. Ministers urged President de Gaulle, as he then was, to suspend all rail travel between the 2 cities. He replied that, as far as he was aware, the Parachute Regiment had never mounted an attack by train.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Cozzer

Dear UK Workshop Agony Aunt...
I think my wife is cheating on me. 
I'm a working musician and travel a lot, and recently strange things have been happening when I get home. 
Her mobile phone rings and she steps outside to answer it, or says 'I'll call you back later'. 
Sometimes she goes out with friends but comes home late, getting dropped off around the corner. 
I once picked up the extension while she was on the phone and she got very angry.
A mate of mine plays guitar in a band. He told me that sometimes my wife turns up at his gigs with another bloke.
He asked if he could borrow my guitar amp for the next gig - mine's a better model than his - and that's when I got the idea to find out for myself what was happening. 
I said that he could use my amp at the gig as long as I could hide behind it, and see if she came to the venue and who she came in with! He agreed.
The gig night came - I slipped behind my half-stack to get a good view.
Crouching down, I noticed one of the power stage valves wasn't glowing as brightly as the others. 
Is this something I can fix myself, or do I really need to take it to a technician?

Yours concerned, Norwich


----------



## Woody2Shoes

Ithica said:


> .... the plural is coqs au van......


Meals on wheels?


----------



## Ithica

mikej460 said:


> View attachment 113982


You got there because you asked yourself how do I work this? But you didn't know ......


----------



## nickds1

Ithica said:


> You got there because you asked yourself how do I work this? But you didn't know ......


...Dorking Teds...


----------



## Robbo3

A bloke goes ice fishing for the very first time. All of a sudden, he hears a voice. 
“There are no fish under the ice!”
He ignores it and moves to another area, cuts a hole, and tosses his line in. Again, he hears the booming voice: 
“There are no fish under ?the ice!”
He nervously looks up and asks, “Lord? Is that you?”
“No, this is the rink manager!”


----------



## Doug B




----------



## ecokestove

A group of blokes, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Chichester Arms because the waitresses had ample bosoms and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Chichester Arms because the food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Chichester Arms because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet, and it was good value for money.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Chichester Arms because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Chichester Arms because they had never been there before


----------



## stuart little

Doug B said:


> View attachment 114070


Who are they?


----------



## stuart little

Doug B said:


> View attachment 114070


Who???


----------



## Doug B

stuart little said:


> Who are they?


The good lady wife informed me they are the England players who missed penalties recently.


----------



## mikej460

Welcome to the World Springboard Diving Championships, coming to you live from the Dordogne


----------



## Cordy

Golden Oldie


Albert wakes up in hospital after a terrible car crash with no penis.

The Doctor says 'This is the best hospital in the country for penis transplants.
We have an English one for £4000, we have a Scottish one for £6000 and a West Indian one for £8000 it will take 5 minutes no problem'

Albert says 'I always discuss financial matters with my wife. She's in the waiting room'
' I'll get her' says the Doctor.

Five minutes later the doctor returns "Have you made a decision"?

Yes says Albert "We're having a new kitchen"


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Blackswanwood

Your browser is not able to display this video.


----------



## dzj




----------



## Stan

@Ithica above

English is just French pronounced badly. - Georges Clemenceau


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Robbo3




----------



## Ithica

From Facebook Marketplace (French Buy and Sell) advertisement for a metal engineers work bench. In French with an English translation. 
_'.........is equipped with a perforated grilled frame to hang all types of tools. For transportation to ensure 4 good guys, little skinny nervous will make others tired...' _


----------



## dzj




----------



## Robbo3




----------



## dzj




----------



## Ithica

'How to hang a door for Idiots' chapter 96. Handles go on well, spindle not sticking, mortice lock working. Steps back to admire handiwork .........


----------



## Stan

Lol.

Reminds me of these I saw a little while ago....







Obviously the worker didn't use the 6 p's - planning and preparation prevents p*** poor performance.








Compact, or what.....?


----------



## dzj




----------



## Garno

Sean is the vicar of a Protestant parish in Dublin and Patrick is the priest at the Roman Catholic Church across the road.
One day they are seen together, erecting a sign which says:

*"THE END IS NEAR.
TURN YOURSELF AROUND NOW
BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE."*


As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells,
"Leave people alone, you religious nutters. We don't need your lectures."

From around the next curve they hear screeching tyres and a big splash.

Shaking his head, Father Patrick says "Dat's da terd one dis morning’."
"Yaa," Sean agrees, then adds, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should just say ….

*"BRIDGE CLOSED"?*


----------



## Robbo3

Podraig is walking past the barn, spots Shamus dressed as a Chippendale gyrating around a large Massey Ferguson
"What the heck are yuse up to Shamus" he says
Shamus, red faced and perspiring.
" I have a fierce lust upon me fer that new barmaid, but she doesn't seem to notice me at all.
I went to the doctor to get some advice, and he told me to try doing something sexy to a tractor"


----------



## Doug B




----------



## mikej460

During a pub quiz, I sneakily called my wife and asked 'Which is the largest state in the USA? Your sisters good on geography'
'Alaska' she replied. I said 'Well, hurry up, there's 8 pints riding on this..'


----------



## Doug B




----------



## dzj




----------



## selectortone




----------



## TRITON




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Phil Pascoe

That reminds of the Dublin bus and tram - should have gone to Specsavers.


----------



## Daniel2

Doug B said:


> View attachment 114579


This one is actually true.
It happened in Cornwall. Last week, I believe.


----------



## Cabinetman

If I had been quicker with my camera/phone I would’ve got a picture just like that of an Arctic reversing out of a no entry and on the side of the lorry it said " we know the way "


----------



## Jameshow

Doug B said:


> View attachment 114579


Glad it wasn't me when I drove for them!! 

Cheers James


----------



## Jameshow

Doug B said:


> View attachment 114579


Door to door delivery even to the garage freezer.....!


----------



## NickWelford

Jameshow said:


> Glad it wasn't me when I drove for them!!
> 
> Cheers James


I did too. This was my van one day






Had to be recovered. Chiller full of food written off.


----------



## Jameshow

NickWelford said:


> I did too. This was my van one day
> 
> View attachment 114591
> 
> Had to be recovered. Chiller full of food written off.


Ouch where did you work? 

I worked out of otley 591.

I enjoyed it. Before the pandemic and ocardo did much of Waitrose deliveries it was a cushy job, now I think it's alot more hectic. 

Cheers James


----------



## Turnr77

Cabinetman said:


> If I had been quicker with my camera/phone I would’ve got a picture just like that of an Arctic reversing out of a no entry and on the side of the lorry it said " we know the way "


You saw the Arctic reversing? Is this due to global warming?


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Sandyn

Last night, my wife looked into my eyes and said; if anything happened to me, she would be totally lost without me, then paused ..... As she was speaking I was thinking awwww how sweet.......she continues, so can you make sure you put the instructions for the navigator somewhere I can find them!!
Last I saw her, I could hear muffled instructions coming from her backside..."Turn left at the end of the corridor"


----------



## Cozzer

A pal of mine has just had confirmation that he's colour blind.
"_Did you have no idea?_" I asked.
"Nope," he replied, "came right out of the orange..."


----------



## Jonzjob

Turnr77 said:


> You saw the Arctic reversing? Is this due to global warming?



It was probably a freezer lorry?


----------



## NickWelford

Jameshow said:


> Ouch where did you work?
> 
> I worked out of otley 591.
> 
> I enjoyed it. Before the pandemic and ocardo did much of Waitrose deliveries it was a cushy job, now I think it's alot more hectic.
> 
> Cheers James


Stamford 484. Very “Waitrose” country. I managed 6 years but when the new vans came in last year it became a bit too much.


----------



## Garden Shed Projects

NickWelford said:


> Stamford 484. Very “Waitrose” country. I managed 6 years but when the new vans came in last year it became a bit too much.



Not exactly Vietnam gents


----------



## Jameshow

Garden Shed Projects said:


> Not exactly Vietnam gents


I know but it's as good as it gets! 

Still get nightmares of Citrix logins! But it has prepared me well for NHS S1 logins!!! Not to mention looking after old folk! 

Cheers James


----------



## Stanleymonkey

Garden Shed Projects said:


> Not exactly Vietnam gents



You can see these two down the pub:

I hurt my leg in 'Nam

...Chippenham - dropped a crate of artichokes on it.


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Jameshow




----------



## D_W

Jameshow said:


> View attachment 114696



Shouldn't be given they're clearly allowing a couple of americans to swim in the town pool.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Ithica

Q why was the Amish girl excommunicated?
A Too Mennonite.


----------



## Cozzer

Two girls talking....
_"Fred's gone and left me in the proverbial - lots of debts, no real future, no qualifications, maybe homeless soon if I can't find the rent..."_
"Desperate times for you, then. I don't like admitting this, but when I was in a similar position some years ago, I did a bit of prostitution to make ends meet!"
_"What?! I don't believe you!"_
"Its true! Not proud of it, but it solved my problem!"
She went on to explain the ropes : how to stay safe, don't stay in the car too long, watch out for any boys in blue, etc.
A week went by, and the girls met again.
"How'd you get on?"
_"Not bad. Had a bit of a weirdo last night, but followed your advice, and got rid of him very quickly! And the money is certainly going to help...."_
"Good to hear it! Out of interest, how much did you make last night?"
_"Seven pounds 10p"_
"10p?!! Who gave you the 10p?!"
_"They all did...." _


----------



## selectortone

I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I’d pick up a stranger. He asked, “Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I’m not a serial killer?”.
I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.


----------



## selectortone




----------



## Doug B




----------



## AES

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh, Doug, perleeez!


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Jester129




----------



## Ithica

Bob Monkhouse - when I told my family I wanted to be a comedian they all laughed. Well, they're not laughing now. 
(Apologies if this brilliant piece of wordplay has been on before).


----------



## Trainee neophyte




----------



## John Brown

selectortone said:


> I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I’d pick up a stranger. He asked, “Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I’m not a serial killer?”.
> I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.


True, but if you start from the point of one serial killer in the car, then the chances that the hitchhiker is a serial killer are exactly the same as if the driver is a greengrocer.
Classic misunderstanding of the laws of chance. 
I think an earlier version of this joke involved taking a bomb with you when travelling by plane, on the grounds that the chances..... Etc.



Analyzing humour is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

E. B. White(no relation).


----------



## Cordy

I am now proud to announce that I am selling all my Adult toys. 
I hope no one is embarrassed to ask for them.
I have all kinds, sizes and styles according to your needs.
Discretion is guaranteed!!

Inbox me if you have any questions.

I have everything listed below...
Zimmer frames, wheelchairs, oxygen tanks, walking stick/canes, disposable diapers etc


----------



## Doug B

Nothing is made in the Uk these days, I’ve just bought a radio & it says built in antenna. I don’t even know where that country is.


----------



## Trainee neophyte

Doug B said:


> Nothing is made in the Uk these days, I’ve just bought a radio & it says built in antenna. I don’t even know where that country is.


That's silly. Stop it.


----------



## aramco

talking of apprenticeships, where i served my time, the toilet system was stalls with a plank running through, and you sat over a trough with running water flowing down, us apprentices used to wait till all, the stalls where full, then set a light to a newspaper and let it float down the trough,


----------



## Geoff_S

aramco said:


> talking of apprenticeships, where i served my time, the toilet system was stalls with a plank running through, and you sat over a trough with running water flowing down, us apprentices used to wait till all, the stalls where full, then set a light to a newspaper and let it float down the trough,


I don't think that's very funny 
.
.
.
.
.
.
Err, yes I do


----------



## Cozzer

I just overheard my wife giving advice to her newly married friend...

_"On the first day make sure you take ages to peel the spuds, to the point that he is starving. He will come running in from the garage, and he'll show you how to peel them quickly. Do the same the second day and so on until he gets fed up of telling you. He's still peeling them after 37 years...."_



Man, I'll tell you.... I am sick to death of spuds.


----------



## Robbo3

2 men go to London to donate sperm.
It was a disaster!
The first missed the tube and the second came on the bus!


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Robbo3

A painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.
Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Doolin in
County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.
One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude.
This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that
money was no object; in fact and she was willing to pay up to £10,000.
Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.
In a few minutes he returned. "T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said. "The wife says it's okay. 
"I'll paint ya in da nude all right, but I wil have to at least leave me socks on so I have somewhere to wipe me brushes."


----------



## Trainee neophyte




----------



## Doug B




----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Cozzer

Too late, a bloke doesn't spot a very generous and fleshy dog "Richard" right in his path.
"I've just done that!" cries another bloke standing nearby...
So the first bloke smacks him.


----------



## Cozzer

A bloke walks into the timber yard.
He's short on time, and short on manners as well.
"Oi! You!" he yells at one of the yardsmen. "I want decking!"
So the yardsman gave him a good hiding.


----------



## Ithica




----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Doug B




----------



## treeturner123

Funny sort of aeroplane!! 

The tail wheel is the same size as the landing wheels.

Phil


----------



## Ithica

Doug B said:


> View attachment 115590


Airfix kits have changed a lot.


----------



## mikej460

Don't forget to paint it first and be sparing with that glue!


----------



## mikej460

On our village facebook page yesterday someone posted asking for a reliable company to cut down some of her trees and one villager replied 'HS2'.


----------



## Cozzer

Most people have heard of Karl Marx, but few know that he also had a famous sister, Onya.




She invented the starting pistol.


----------



## AES

Ohhhhhh Cozzer!!! (That's why I "liked" it)


----------



## MARK.B.

HS2 aye they be cutting em down but reliable , there's a joke on its own


----------



## Cozzer

AES said:


> Ohhhhhh Cozzer!!! (That's why I "liked" it)


Ayethangqueue!


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Cozzer

Played football yesterday - first time in ages. I was "called up" for the second leg because some of the regular team were missing.
I certainly know about it this morning!
Fairly decent pitch, except it was actually compacted gravel.
We won 3-1 on aggregate.


----------



## Cozzer

Had a nasty letter from the bank this morning. I don't understand why they've got so upset when I can't repay my loans.

They knew I hadn't any money when I borrowed it....


----------



## Cozzer

Just been thinking about some of Dave Allen's quips from years gone by....one of my favourites was when he discovered that, as he grew older, his back was getting hairier.
He wasn't sure whether it was growing down from his neck, or up from his ar5e.....


----------



## Cozzer

Funny, the things you find out about your wife after many years of marriage.
I never knew that, when younger, she had an interest in exotic birds....
Just been overhearing a bloke at the bar who obviously used to know her, and was telling his mate that she liked a cockatoo...


----------



## Droogs

Cozzer said:


> Played football yesterday - first time in ages. I was "called up" for the second leg because some of the regular team were missing.
> I certainly know about it this morning!
> Fairly decent pitch, except it was actually compacted gravel.
> We won 3-1 on aggregate.




OH FOR THE LOVE OF SWIRLY GRAIN!! @Angie will you hurry up and give us a groan emojie


----------



## Cozzer

Droogs said:


> OH FOR THE LOVE OF SWIRLY GRAIN!! @Angie will you hurry up and give us a groan emojie



Oh come on!
You know you wanted to laugh really!


----------



## AES

Droogs said:


> OH FOR THE LOVE OF SWIRLY GRAIN!! @Angie will you hurry up and give us a groan emojie



Hi mate. I do LIKE "swirly grain" (new one to me). How're yer doin'?


----------



## Droogs

Hi @AES apparently, I appear to be on the mend according to those much more learned than me. Finished the antibiotics today and now walk with only 1 crutch.


----------



## AES

Good news Droogs. Can you drive (with an auto box I presume)?


----------



## Robbo3

A drunken Irishman who smelled of beer sat down in an underground train, next to a priest.The man's tie was stained, his 
face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. 
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for 
your fellow man, Sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned.” Then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so 
strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."


----------



## dzj




----------



## Cozzer

Bloke in a fishmonger's queue.
He eventually reaches the front....
_"Some salmon fillets, please"_
"Sorry matey - didn't have any delivered today...sorry"
The bloke, disappointed, wanders away from the counter, but strangely joins the back of the queue again, before finding himself at the front to be served.
_"Some salmon fillets, please"_
"No... sorry sir... none delivered, and we're not expecting any to be dropped off later either...so....."
The bloke wanders away from the counter again, but strangely joins the back of the queue, before finding himself at the front to be served.
The same conversation takes place. In fact, the same scene repeats another couple of times.
The fishmonger is getting a bit agitated by now. The bloke appears to be OK mentally, and isn't shouting or anything untowards.... so what's going on?
_"Some salmon fillets, please"_
"Look, pal... I don't wish to be rude, but I've got better things to do than entertain you, time and time again!"
_"I only want some salmon fillets...."_
"Look! How can I make this any clearer?! The word "fillets" - how many f's are there?"
_"One"_
"And how many f's are there in "fresh fish"?"
_"Two"_
"And in the word "salmon?"
_"There's no f in salmon"_
"*I know!* I've been telling you that all bleedin' morning!"


----------



## Robbo3

In a Courtroom, the judge says to a double-homicide defendant,
"You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bar steward!"
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bar steward!"
The judge stops and says to the man at the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these
crimes But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"
The man stands up and says, "I'm sorry Your Honor, but for 15 years I've lived next door to that guy and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one!"


----------



## stuart little

Cozzer said:


> Bloke in a fishmonger's queue.
> He eventually reaches the front....
> _"Some salmon fillets, please"_
> "Sorry matey - didn't have any delivered today...sorry"
> The bloke, disappointed, wanders away from the counter, but strangely joins the back of the queue again, before finding himself at the front to be served.
> _"Some salmon fillets, please"_
> "No... sorry sir... none delivered, and we're not expecting any to be dropped off later either...so....."
> The bloke wanders away from the counter again, but strangely joins the back of the queue, before finding himself at the front to be served.
> The same conversation takes place. In fact, the same scene repeats another couple of times.
> The fishmonger is getting a bit agitated by now. The bloke appears to be OK mentally, and isn't shouting or anything untowards.... so what's going on?
> _"Some salmon fillets, please"_
> "Look, pal... I don't wish to be rude, but I've got better things to do than entertain you, time and time again!"
> _"I only want some salmon fillets...."_
> "Look! How can I make this any clearer?! The word "fillets" - how many f's are there?"
> _"One"_
> "And how many f's are there in "fresh fish"?"
> _"Two"_
> "And in the word "salmon?"
> _"There's no f in salmon"_
> "*I know!* I've been telling you that all bleedin' morning!"


The old 'uns are the best! Last time I heard it, it was 'no f- in cod! LOL


----------



## Doug B




----------



## dzj




----------



## Cozzer

stuart little said:


> The old 'uns are the best! Last time I heard it, it was 'no f- in cod! LOL



Correct! It was!
I decided to bring it 'up to date' having looked at the prices in Sainsburys yesterday!
Some of it more expensive than steak!


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Robbo3

Murphy and O'Brien go out into the woods, they come a clearing and see an abandoned well. Murphy said 
'I wonder how deep that well is?' O'Brien said, 'There's one way we could figure it out'. 
Murphy says, 'What's that?' 
O'Brien says, 'We drop something down it, we time how long it takes to hit the bottom, you multiply that time 32 feet per second squared, the rate at which objects fall in a vacuum, subtract a little for wind resistance and we've got the depth of the well'. 
Murphy says, ' What are you going to drop down it?' 
Then O'Brien looked all around and he saw this big heavy log lying on the ground. Next he squats down by the log and, using his legs correctly, he gets it up onto his shoulders and staggers over to the edge of the well, tips it up, drops it into the well and they start to count, 'One hippopotamus, two hippopotamus, three .................... ' SPLASH!!!! 
Murphy said, 'Three seconds!' O'Brien said, 'Quick, multiply that time 32 feet per second squared!' '288 feet!', Murphy said. 'Subtract a little for wind resistance, let's say 18 feet. The depth of that well is 270 feet deep'. As he finished the calculation Murphy shouts, 'LOOK OUT!!' and he pushed O'Brien backwards and a goat ran between them and jumped head first down the well. Murphy said, 'My God, I've never seen anything like that'.
Just then a farmer walks into the clearing and said, 'What's going on here boys?' 
O'Brien says, 'We just figured out the depth of this well to be about 270 feet deep and then the strangest thing happened. A goat ran between the two of us and jumped head first down into the well.' 
The farmer says, 'Thank heaven it wasn't one of my goats.' 
Murphy says, 'How do you know it wasn't?' 
And the farmer says, 'Because all of my goats are tethered to big heavy logs.'


----------



## Phil Pascoe

^^^^^^ Jethro .......... about 1975.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Droogs

Pratt on a cold welsh roof


----------



## Cozzer




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Phil Pascoe

Cozzer said:


> View attachment 115912


Ainsley Harriott last I saw that one.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Garno

Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,.
'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave.
The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
Immediately, there was the answer.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking,
'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.
There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...............


You'll like this




*NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!*


----------



## Garno




----------



## Trainee neophyte




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Exluthier

Doug B said:


> View attachment 115899


Fondler on the roof?


----------



## Doug B

Exluthier said:


> Fondler on the roof?


I thought “fiddler on the roof” meself


----------



## Droogs

Blackswanwood said:


> View attachment 115950


Still seems to be very appropriate though


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Droogs

Not enough cheese obviously


----------



## dzj




----------



## Droogs

"Granddad " asked a little boy "How will I know when I am actually old?"
"That's easy young Timmy. You'll know you're old when the only shoe shop you can remember being in for the last 5 years is Sketchers"


----------



## Phil Pascoe

Someone said the other day that you'd know the day you grew up - it was the day you forgave your parents.


----------



## flying haggis

Droogs said:


> Not enough cheese obviously


I was going to say too much cheese for my liking


----------



## paulrbarnard

Blackswanwood said:


> View attachment 116003


It needs warnings for lactose intolerance and gluten allergy. Apart from that a credible attempt at a salad.


----------



## ecokestove

Frank and Marjorie had been married for some time. Things had got to such a state that she let him have a sh.. only on his birthday. Well, it was his birthday, and Frank was enjoying his ride when he suddenly stopped asked, 'Sorry darling, did I hurt you?' 'No,' she replied, 'why do you ask?' 'Oh,' he said, 'I thought you moved.'


----------



## dangles

From the Rotherham Advertiser:

Buttock Tattoo Terror Lands Rotherham Pair In Hospital

A furious row has broken out between a local tattoo artist and his client after what started out as a routine inking session, left both of them requiring emergency hospital treatment. Vintage film fan and part time plus size model Tracey Munter (23), had visited the Ink It Good Tattoo Emporium on Wellgate last week to have the finishing touches applied to a double buttock representation of the chariot race scene from the iconic 1959 film, Ben Hur.

Tattooist Jason Burns takes up the story. “It was a big job in more ways than one.” he told us “I’d just lit a roll up and was finishing off a centurions helmet. It’s delicate, close up work. Next thing is, I sense a slight ripple in the buttock cleavage area just around Charlton Heston’s whip, and a hissing sound – more of a whoosh than a rasp – and before I know what’s happening, there’s a flame shooting from her pineapple to my fag and my beards gone up like an Aussie bush fire. ”Jason says he rushed to the studio sink to quell the flames, only to turn round and see Tracey frantically fanning her buttock area with a damp towel.

The flames had travelled down the gas cloud and set fire to her thong which was smoking like a cheap firework. “To be honest”, said Jason, “I didn’t even realise she was wearing one. You’d need a sodding mining licence and a torch to find out for sure. She could have had a complete wardrobe in there and I’d have been none the wiser.” Jason and Tracey were taken to Rotherham District Hospital accident and emergency department where they were treated for minor burns and shock. Both are adamant that the other is to blame.

“I’m furious” said Jason, “I’ve got a face like a mange-ridden dog and my left eyebrow's not there any more. I don’t know about Ben Hur – Gone With The Wind’s more like it. You don’t just let rip in someone’s face like that. It’s dangerous.” But Tracey remains both angry and unrepentant; “I’m still in agony,” she said, “and Charlton Heston looks more like Sidney bloody Poitier now. Jason shouldn’t have had a fag on the go and there’s no way I’d guff on purpose. He’d had me on all fours for nearly an hour. I can only put up with that for so long before nature takes its course. My Kev knows that. I give him my five second warning and I’d have done the same for Jason, but I didn’t get chance – it just crept out.”

Ted Walters from the South Yorkshire Fire and Rescue service wasn’t surprised when we told him what had happened “People just don’t appreciate the dangers. “ he told us, “We get called out to more flatulence ignition incidents than kitchen fires these days, now people have moved over to oven chips. We have a slogan ‘Flame ‘n fart – keep ’em apart’. Anyone engaging in an pineapple inking scenario would do well to bear that in mind in future.”










ReplyForward


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Stan

Little Jimmy, aged 3, looked at his heavily pregnant mum one day and said,
"mum, what's that?" pointing to the bump.
"That's a baby", replied mum.
"Where did you get it?" he asked innocently.
"Er, dad gave it to me".
Jimmy was quite happy with this explanation and went off to play.

Later that day Jimmy approached his dad.
"Dad, you know that baby you gave mum?"
"Yes?"
"Well don't give her another one, because she's eaten it!"


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## selectortone




----------



## AES

Pity one can't "like" twice (or ten times) on here! 

The above so bloody true.

Just WHAT the hell is wrong with these IT people? They certainly don't inhabit the same world that I do - something over 20 years ago I got a "credit card" from a local petrol company. It came with a presumably random-generated 4 digit "password" and NO possibility to change it - ever.

I've actually lost that card twice but NEVER had a litre of petrol stolen, not has the monthly bill ever been wrong! And guess what? I can actually remember that 4 digit code without having to store it anywhere "safe" or even write it down. MUCH safer that the above "your password must have .... blah, blah, blah" nonsense.

Sorry folks, rant over. LOVE the mug (not to mention the sentiment behind it). WHERE can I get one please?


----------



## flying haggis

mug here









Sorry Your Password Must Contain Mug Funny Coffee Mug Gift - Etsy UK


This Mugs item by YeloPomeloHipsters has 65 favorites from Etsy shoppers. Ships from United States. Listed on 16 Dec, 2022




www.etsy.com


----------



## Doug B




----------



## selectortone




----------



## selectortone

Another day gone and I still haven't used 




I'm 70. Starting to think maths was wasted on me...


----------



## mikej460




----------



## Jameshow




----------



## dzj




----------



## dzj




----------



## flying haggis

Apparently, Afghanistan has a new children's TV show - The Talitubbies.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Linus

flying haggis said:


> Apparently, Afghanistan has a new children's TV show - The Talitubbies.


I thought they were from Noren'Ireland!


----------



## stuart little

Doug B said:


> View attachment 116234


Hello Mickey!


----------



## Jonzjob

dzj said:


> View attachment 116216



You missed some of the best bits mate.



https://ifunny.co/picture/i-m-tired-of-being-specialist-in-infectious-diseases-and-s0DHe54r8


----------



## Pineapple

stuart little said:


> Hello Mickey!


Mickey ? - I thought it was Noddy's Best Freind !


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B




----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B




----------



## TRITON




----------



## ecokestove

We went upstairs to see the stars,
I saw Uranus,
and you saw Mars


----------



## mikej460




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Cordy

Accidentally added Matt Hancock as a friend on Facebook

I've just been awarded three government contracts


----------



## Woody2Shoes

Doug B said:


> View attachment 116234


Keef Richards????


----------



## Doug B




----------



## mikej460




----------



## gwaithcoed

mikej460 said:


> View attachment 116683


----------



## gcusick

mikej460 said:


> View attachment 116683


Ok, I’ll just have to use four candles


----------



## Sachakins




----------



## Bod

Sachakins said:


> View attachment 116704


Thats no joke, it's the truth.

Bod.


----------



## Jonzjob

Bod said:


> Thats no joke, it's the truth.
> 
> Bod.



Not in England






True with SWMBO though


----------



## Ozi

Doug B said:


> View attachment 116678


My Dad painted the cat footprints across our garage floor in luminous paint - if you did that here you'd have a lighthouse


----------



## Cozzer

Two of life's mysteries....

"This page intentionally left blank"

and an overheard office phone conversation...

_"You haven't responded to my urgent fax"._
"Sorry, the machine's out of paper. Can you fax some across to me?"
_"OK. Will do..."_


----------



## stuart little

Cozzer said:


> Two of life's mysteries....
> 
> "This page intentionally left blank"
> 
> and an overheard office phone conversation...
> 
> _"You haven't responded to my urgent fax"._
> "Sorry, the machine's out of paper. Can you fax some across to me?"
> _"OK. Will do..."_


  .......,but the page is never blank!!!!


----------



## Garden Shed Projects

It’s a bit like this


----------



## Cozzer

...or, the well-known one, of course, courtesy of Messrs.Microsoft...

"If your keyboard's not working, press F1 to continue" (or words to that effect...)


----------



## Phil Pascoe

Ever had an email asking for your email address?


----------



## Cozzer

stuart little said:


> .......,but the page is never blank!!!!



erm.....No.... 
That's right, Stuart....and sort-of my point!


----------



## Doug B




----------



## WoodchipWilbur

Cozzer said:


> ...or, the well-known one, of course, courtesy of Messrs.Microsoft...
> 
> "If your keyboard's not working, press F1 to continue" (or words to that effect...)


"Press any key to continue"
To help desk: "Where's the "any" key on my computer?"


----------



## stuart little

Cozzer said:


> erm.....No....
> That's right, Stuart....and sort-of my point!


Exactly


----------



## niemeyjt

WoodchipWilbur said:


> "Press any key to continue"
> To help desk: "Where's the "any" key on my computer?"



It is marked on my computer:


----------



## Sandyn

My new car beeps every time I pass a vicar, apparently it's just the rev counter.........


----------



## stuart little

What's an occasional table the rest of the time?


----------



## Sachakins

stuart little said:


> What's an occasional table the rest of the time?


A dust collector


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Billy_wizz

Sachakins said:


> A dust collector


I thought it was an occasional table because you can occasionally see it under all the rubbish you drop on it


----------



## Turnr77

The conversation between God and Noah

God: Noah I am sending a great flood that will cover all of the Earth so I want you to build a great boat, an Ark that will hold you and you're family and two of every creature.

Noah: OK God I can do that, one huge Ark coming up.

God: Also I want you to make it with ten decks to accommodate all the animals.

Noah: Whoah that's gonna be top heavy so it'll need to be really wide to stop it toppling.

God: You're the expert so whatever you need to do, do it.

Several weeks pass

Noah: All finished God, I'll start gathering the animals.

God: Actually, I've had a bit of a rethink on the animals, I want you to build water holding tanks on all of the decks and then net all the rivers, lakes, streams and ponds and catch all of the carp, I want every type of carp, common carp, leather carp, mirror carp, crucian carp, grass carp, Koi carp, carp of every species and fill all the tanks with them.

Noah: So let me get this straight, you wanted a huge Ark with ten decks?

God: Yes

Noah: And then build water holding tanks on all decks?

God: Yes.

Noah: And the fill the whole thing with just species of carp?

God: Exactly.

Noah: But why God, why?

God: I don't know really, just really fancied a Multi-story Carp Ark.


----------



## Jester129




----------



## Jester129




----------



## Jester129




----------



## Jester129




----------



## paulrbarnard




----------



## Cordy

YouTube video; it's very good !


----------



## Cabinetman

That was very well done!


----------



## Doug B

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Have you ever fallen to the
temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my faith and made love to a woman."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"


----------



## mikej460




----------



## John Brown

mikej460 said:


> View attachment 117115


I love it, but....








INTERNET MEMES DEBUNKED - The Dalek Shower


The Internet is Full of Lies... A shower sign that looks like a Dalek.




internettruthdebunked.blogspot.com


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## John Brown

flying haggis said:


> View attachment 117128


Well let's see here, as my grandson says...
According to a longstanding chum of mine, there is no standard size for a football field ( providing the aliens are referring to association football - I can't speak for the so-called gridiron game).
Yes, I know... Dissecting a frog again...


----------



## J-G

John Brown said:


> Well let's see here, as my grandson says...
> According to a longstanding chum of me mine, there is no standard size for a football field ( providing the aliens are referring to association football - I can't speak for the so-called gridiron game).
> Yes, I know... Dissecting a frog again...


I scream that at the TV or Radio every time it's used - makes my blood boil !


----------



## Robbo3

Lawns

GOD to ST. FRANCIS :
Frank , ... You know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet?
What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago?
I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan.
Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colours by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.

St. FRANCIS:
It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites.
They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD:
Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colourful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms.
It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green.
They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD:
The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.

GOD:
They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS:
Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD:
They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS:
No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD:
Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS:
Yes, Sir.

GOD:
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat.
That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS:
You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD:
What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees.
That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself.
The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer.
In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.

ST. FRANCIS:
You better sit down, Lord.
The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD:
No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS:
After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD:
And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS:
They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD:
Enough! I don't want to think about this any more.
St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts..
What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

CATHERINE:
'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....

GOD:
Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.


----------



## John Brown

J-G said:


> I scream that at the TV or Radio every time it's used - makes my blood boil !


Every time what's used?
Size of a football Field? Dissecting a frog?


----------



## J-G

Sorry - I thought that would be obvious  -- The fact that there is no STANDARD size for an FA playing area. There are limits but not a specified size, so the comparison is meaningless.


----------



## John Brown

J-G said:


> Sorry - I thought that would be obvious  -- The fact that there is no STANDARD size for an FA playing area. There are limits but not a specified size so the comparison is meaningless.


Ok. I see. 
On the other hand, you couldn't reasonably expect aliens to know that. They would conceivably have gleaned a lot of their knowledge from terrestrial television and radio broadcasts. Even if they had happened to observe you screaming at the television, which you'd have to admit is pretty unlikely, they probably wouldn't have guessed the reason.
So, in summary, I think the joke still works well, and I apologize for bringing up the subject of non-standardized pitches.


----------



## J-G

No apology needed - incorrect - even poor - information should be pointed out whenever it is noticed 

How many readers have been enlightened by the knowledge you've brought to the fore?

To be clear, I can't abide football - the next match I go to will be the first (I'll be 80 in December)


----------



## Terry - Somerset

It's not the pitches that are different sizes. It merely looks thus - but in fact it is the players who are different sizes!


----------



## Geoff_S

How many double decker buses can you fit on a football pitch? Is it as many as you can fit in an Olympic sized swimming pool?


----------



## Phil Pascoe

How many could you get in the length of Wales?


----------



## stuart little

Geoff_S said:


> How many double decker buses can you fit on a football pitch? Is it as many as you can fit in an Olympic sized swimming pool?


How big is an Olympic swim pool?


----------



## Daniel2




----------



## Daniel2




----------



## Daniel2




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## dzj




----------



## AES

Just to really infuriate a poster above (about football fields), I use the analogy "about as long as 3 football fields end to end" in my new "job" of describing airships (the Hindenburg in this case). The reason I do this,. especially as we are "only" looking at models and photographs, is that I think it enables people to imagine a size much more easily than saying "245 Metres" or "804 feet".

And BTW, like another poster above, I too have "minus zero interest" in football (of whatever type) and when looking the "fact" up to be sure I found that while it's true that there's no single exact length (or width) for a football pitch, FIFA (or whoever's website I looked up, I forget) DOES actually specify both a max and a min for both the length and the width of a football pitch. It's a fairly large tolerance I agree (I forget what the numbers given were, but 3 of them are about 804 feet long!!!), but I do believe it helps a lot of people to "picture in their minds" pretty big but "difficult" numbers like the above. So regardless of your spitting blood or not Sir, I shall continue to use it. It's a bit like the busses also often referred to - they vary too, but I bet there are some laid down maxes and probably mins too. So better keep a bucket handy mate!

This is getting pretty serious for a jokes page isn't it? (But what really INFURIATES me is people saying/writing "very unique")!

So just to add to "the fun", just like Turnr77 above, I don't understand the joke he's referring to either!


----------



## mikej460

flying haggis said:


> View attachment 117128


Not forgetting the larger unit of measurement 'Wales'. Can anybody care to work out how many football fields make one Wales?


----------



## Jameshow

I'll start areas of wales is 20,735 km²

Area if a football pitch 0.006868km2
101 X 68m (anfield)

3019073.966 pitches in Wales

May not be correct????

Cheers James


----------



## Inspector

Your football/American NFL/our CFL football fields. All different and I don't watch or play any so have no idea how long a Led Zeppelin album is. 
Oh and I didn't get that joke either.

Carry on.

Pete


----------



## Inspector

Jameshow said:


> I'll start areas of wakes is 20,735 km²
> 
> Someone can do the maths!
> 
> Cheers James



"wakes"? Good at the math but just got a pass in spelling. 

Pete


----------



## AES

Inspector said:


> "wakes"? Good at the math but just got a pass in spelling.
> 
> Pete



Nah Pete, it's what their mates do when there's a death in the (I think) pod!


----------



## Jameshow

Funny that 2 of my kids have been recently diagnosed with dyslexia so chances are I have it, my wife says it's a waste of money to get tested, tbh I'd refer a decent cast iron table saw!! 

Cheers James


----------



## TRITON

Cozzer said:


> ...or, the well-known one, of course, courtesy of Messrs.Microsoft...
> 
> "If your keyboard's not working, press F1 to continue" (or words to that effect...)


There used to be a question on the unemployment benefit claim form

Q. "Are you blind"
They eventually changed it to 'is the person you are claiming for blind'.


----------



## J-G

AES said:


> But what really INFURIATES me is people saying/writing "very unique"


Ditto ! 

... and I did say that there were 'Limits' specified (football pitch)


----------



## Frank House

Inspector said:


> "wakes"? Good at the math but just got a pass in spelling.
> 
> Pete



Reg Standards Bureau :
The Reg online standards converter


----------



## Phil Pascoe

J-G said:


> Ditto !



And "almost exactly".


----------



## Morty

The land area of Wales (key word "area") quoted above is incorrect when calculating football pitches because no allowance is made for mountains, hills and any undulations, I have not included ponds, lakes, lochs, rivers, etc. as no one plays underwater football. Therefore impossible to be even close to accurate as the actual land area usable for football pitches in any country in unknown


----------



## Phil Pascoe

No one plays underwater football? How do you know?


----------



## paulrbarnard

Phil Pascoe said:


> No one plays underwater football? How do you know?


Of course they do. Underwater football - Wikipedia


----------



## WoodchipWilbur

Morty said:


> The land area of Wales (key word "area") quoted above is incorrect when calculating football pitches because no allowance is made for mountains, hills and any undulations, I have not included ponds, lakes, lochs, rivers, etc. as no one plays underwater football. Therefore impossible to be even close to accurate as the actual land area usable for football pitches in any country in unknown


Most of Wales is flat. 

Sadly, quite a lot of it is also vertical...


----------



## Tony51

Two Wales make a Belgium
Tony


----------



## Ozi

J-G said:


> No apology needed - incorrect - even poor - information should be pointed out whenever it is noticed
> 
> How many readers have been enlightened by the knowledge you've brought to the fore?
> 
> To be clear, I can't abide football - the next match I go to will be the first (I'll be 80 in December)


See you there - I may be late


----------



## Phil Pascoe

If I never go to football match it'll be too soon.


----------



## Daniel2




----------



## Morty

paulrbarnard said:


> Of course they do. Underwater football - Wikipedia


How can it be called "football" when it is played using your hands, anyway the ref's whistle wouldn't work underwater.


----------



## John Brown

Morty said:


> How can it be called "football" when it is played using your hands, anyway the ref's whistle wouldn't work underwater.


Ask an American. They play football mainly using hands.
I have read somewhere that it's because they play on foot, rather than on horseback, but that sounds like test icles to me.


----------



## stuart little

Inspector said:


> Your football/American NFL/our CFL football fields. All different and I don't watch or play any so have no idea how long a Led Zeppelin album is.
> Oh and I didn't get that joke either.
> 
> Carry on.
> 
> Pete


Pete, I've cracked that joke:- Lemon in---t = lemon [in] zest (that pulpy stuff under the peel!

Stuart


----------



## stuart little

Inspector said:


> Your football/American NFL/our CFL football fields. All different and I don't watch or play any so have no idea how long a Led Zeppelin album is.
> Oh and I didn't get that joke either.
> 
> Carry on.
> 
> Pete


Pete, I've cracked that joke:- Lemon in---t = lemon [in] zest (that pulpy stuff under the peel!

Stuart


----------



## John Brown

How is that a joke?


----------



## Daniel2

John Brown said:


> How is that a joke?



Maybe to another lemon.


----------



## Just4Fun

J-G said:


> To be clear, I can't abide football - the next match I go to will be the first (I'll be 80 in December)


I am certainly no football fan either, but to be fair I have been to 3 professional matches and enjoyed the experience each time. Just not enough to want to go again any time soon.


----------



## Trainee neophyte

Tony51 said:


> Two Wales make a Belgium
> Tony


How do you get two whales in a Mini? 
Along the M4 and over the Severn Bridge. Belgium is in the other direction.

Which reminds me: 

Q: How do you get 4 elephants in a Mini? 
A: Two in the front, two in the back.

Q: How do you know if an elephant has visited your house?
A: One of the walls is missing.

Q: How do you know if two elephant have visited your house?
A: Two of of the walls are missing. 

Q: How do you know if three elephant have visited your house?
A: Three of of the walls are missing.

Q: How do you know if four elephants have visited your house?
A: There is a red Mini parked outside.

Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails pink?
A: So they can hide in cherry trees.
Ever seen an elephant in in a cherry tree? Shows it works.

That is probably my entire repertoire of Dad Jokes. I'll go now.


----------



## Turnr77

stuart little said:


> Pete, I've cracked that joke:- Lemon in---t = lemon [in] zest (that pulpy stuff under the peel!
> 
> Stuart


It's been removed now, but it was (if you Google it) an actual record cover of a song hinting at incest, so not funny at all


----------



## Garno




----------



## Droogs

Just4Fun said:


> I am certainly no football fan either, but to be fair I have been to 3 professional matches and enjoyed the experience each time. Just not enough to want to go again any time soon.


but you apparently did go - twice


----------



## Garno




----------



## Droogs

Garno said:


> View attachment 117213


Change it's name to Hussain and Bolt


----------



## stuart little

John Brown said:


> How is that a joke?


I saw it as a play on words ; -incest/in zest. The guy is in France, which probably explains it. Well, that's my way of thinking!   

Stuart


----------



## stuart little

Turnr77 said:


> It's been removed now, but it was (if you Google it) an actual record cover of a song hinting at incest, so not funny at all


That's knocked my theory for six, guys.


----------



## Garno




----------



## Just4Fun

Droogs said:


> but you apparently did go - twice


Indeed I did. I am not against going again, and may do so sometime. I am just in no hurry to go again _any time soon_. I am currently averaging one game every 20 years so it is a good job they don't rely on taking my money at the gate.


----------



## TRITON

A guy sees two larger ladies sitting in a nightclub, but not recognizing their accent goes up and asks, 'Either of you two Scottish ladies fancy a drink ?'
One says, 'We're not from Scotland, we're from Wales
So he asks. 'Either of you two Whales fancy a drink ?.


----------



## sploo

John Brown said:


> Ask an American. They play football mainly using hands.
> I have read somewhere that it's because they play on foot, rather than on horseback, but that sounds like test icles to me.


Its proper name is "handegg".


----------



## flying haggis

Garno said:


> View attachment 117213


run away quick!


----------



## Amateur




----------



## Inspector

Frank House said:


> Reg Standards Bureau :
> The Reg online standards converter



Well that converter is bookmarked but is the plural of Wales, Wakes? Or is wakes a nautical measurement?

Pete


----------



## dzj




----------



## daftdog

"Wakes " is a north of England holiday of two two weeks granted by mill owners to the workers every year different towns hade their "Wakes" at different time Rochdale for example always had the last week of June and the first week of July Oldham had a different period. The landladies of Blackplool new where their visitors were from by which "Wakes week" it was. A custom which has more or less died out because of flexible working practices.


----------



## MJP

Garno said:


> View attachment 117215


At the head of the Swansea Valley in South Wales we have a mountainside which looks just like someone laying on their back, just like this.


----------



## MJP

MJP said:


> At the head of the Swansea Valley in South Wales we have a mountainside which looks just like someone laying on their back, just like this.


OOps - pressed return too soon!

..it's called the "Sleeping Giant".

Martin


----------



## TRITON

,,,


----------



## sammy.se

I once dated a girl with crossed-eyes. It didn't last long, we couldn't see eye to eye.

Plus, I think she was seeing someone on the side.



(Stolen from the Jungle Cruise movie)


----------



## Keith Cocker

daftdog said:


> "Wakes " is a north of England holiday of two two weeks granted by mill owners to the workers every year different towns hade their "Wakes" at different time Rochdale for example always had the last week of June and the first week of July Oldham had a different period. The landladies of Blackplool new where their visitors were from by which "Wakes week" it was. A custom which has more or less died out because of flexible working practices.



The nearest town to where I lived when I was a kid was Oldham. It was like a ghost town in wakes week. Literally everything was shut. But because the weeks were staggered around the cotton towns and always the same dates you could go shopping in a neighbouring town.


----------



## stuart little

Trainee neophyte said:


> How do you get two whales in a Mini?
> Along the M4 and over the Severn Bridge. Belgium is in the other direction.
> 
> Which reminds me:
> 
> Q: How do you get 4 elephants in a Mini?
> A: Two in the front, two in the back.
> 
> Q: How do you know if an elephant has visited your house?
> A: One of the walls is missing.
> 
> Q: How do you know if two elephant have visited your house?
> A: Two of of the walls are missing.
> 
> Q: How do you know if three elephant have visited your house?
> A: Three of of the walls are missing.
> 
> Q: How do you know if four elephants have visited your house?
> A: There is a red Mini parked outside.
> 
> Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails pink?
> A: So they can hide in cherry trees.
> Ever seen an elephant in in a cherry tree? Shows it works.
> 
> That is probably my entire repertoire of Dad Jokes. I'll go now.


The old 'uns are always the best!


----------



## stuart little

What did one penguin say to another?

You're a jackass!


----------



## Amateur

I still dont get that alien football field one.


----------



## Amateur




----------



## Amateur

I really do think we should have a separate thread.
"Mens Health and Advice"


----------



## Garden Shed Projects

My Father in law is from Ukraine and he told me this joke. 

The Soviet space agency are looking to be the first to send a manned mission to Mars and are looking for a Cosmonaut to carry out the Mission. Only problem is with the current technology it will have to be a one way mission with no chance of return

Gorbecev sends for Valentin Glushko and gives him strict orders to find a man for the job. He explains that budgets are tight and the chosen Cosmonaut will be greatly honoured by the party. 

His first call is to a Russian cosmonaut based in Moscow called Ivan. 

“ Ivan we have an opportunity for you to go down in history as the first man to set foot on Mars. You will become a great man within the party and we will name towns and schools in your honour. The only set back is you will not return”

“I am a loyal servant of the party and would be honoured to take the mission. As I will be leaving behind a loving wife and 3 sons I would request the small matter of $1 million compensation to secure their future” Says Ivan

Glushko thinks on this for a while and considers the price too steep. He decides to speak to a Kazakhstani Cosmonaut based in Almaty called Dimitri.

“Dimitri we have an opportunity for you to go down in history as the first man to set foot on Mars. You will become a great man within the party and we will name towns and schools in your honour. The only set back is you will not return“

“I am a loyal servant of the party and would be honoured to take the mission. As I will be leaving behind a loving wife and 3 sons along with 2 mistresses and a Dacha by the coast I would request the small matter of $2 million compensation to secure their future” Says Ivan

Glushko thinks on this again as $2 million is definitely beyond their budget. He decides on one last attempt before returning to star city with news. And contacts an old friend of his a Ukrainian Cosmonaut called Victor. 

He explains to Victor the challenge he has been set by the great leader of the party and the issues he has faced along the way and offers Victor the mission. 

Victor ponders on this for a moment and says “I will solve this problem for you for $3 million. “

Glushko, taken aback scoffs “ Don’t tell me you Have a wife and 5 children, 3 mistresses, a Dacha by the coast and an apartment in the city to fund”

Victor says “ No, I am thinking a million for you, a million for me and we will send the Russian.”


----------



## dzj

From the defunct German Democratic Republic,
A German worker gets a job in Siberia; aware of how all mail will be read by censors, he tells his friends: “Let’s establish a code: if a letter you will get from me is written in ordinary blue ink, it is true; if it is written in red ink, it is false.” After a month, his friends get the first letter, written in blue ink: “Everything is wonderful here: stores are full, food is abundant, apartments are large and properly heated, movie theaters show films from the West, there are many beautiful girls ready for an affair — the only thing unavailable is red ink.”


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## mikej460




----------



## Ttrees

Only posted on a thread about moving benches last night,
Some cat must have been reading, as he/she left the calling card when I was in for a mugga tae.
What a stench, wolfies blankets had a narrow escape, wonder if it was the spray bottle of water beside which gave Pischkins the urge?


----------



## Thingybob

Trainee neophyte said:


> How do you get two whales in a Mini?
> Along the M4 and over the Severn Bridge. Belgium is in the other direction.
> 
> Which reminds me:
> 
> Q: How do you get 4 elephants in a Mini?
> A: Two in the front, two in the back.
> 
> Q: How do you know if an elephant has visited your house?
> A: One of the walls is missing.
> 
> Q: How do you know if two elephant have visited your house?
> A: Two of of the walls are missing.
> 
> Q: How do you know if three elephant have visited your house?
> A: Three of of the walls are missing.
> 
> Q: How do you know if four elephants have visited your house?
> A: There is a red Mini parked outside.
> 
> Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails pink?
> A: So they can hide in cherry trees.
> Ever seen an elephant in in a cherry tree? Shows it works.
> 
> That is probably my entire repertoire of Dad Jokes. I'll go now.


Sorry your B s are coming out as D s on my tablet


----------



## Thingybob

daftdog said:


> "Wakes " is a north of England holiday of two two weeks granted by mill owners to the workers every year different towns hade their "Wakes" at different time Rochdale for example always had the last week of June and the first week of July Oldham had a different period. The landladies of Blackplool new where their visitors were from by which "Wakes week" it was. A custom which has more or less died out because of flexible working practices.


And the Spanish hoteliers dont understand English dialects


----------



## Jameshow

Defo 35..... !


----------



## Jameshow

New Scott vaccine passport...


----------



## Trainee neophyte

Thingybob said:


> Sorry your B s are coming out as D s on my tablet


Took me a moment. I think Dad and Bad are synonyms. At least, that is what I am told, repeatedly.


----------



## nickds1

Useful odd facts about time:

A microFortnight is approximately 1 second (*)

There are about 10 million Pi seconds in a year.

(*) actually about 1.2 seconds - microFortnights were used in what was a very popular operating system (OpenVMS) back in the day to set the value of the TIMEPROMTWAIT SYSGEN parameter.


----------



## stuart little

Thingybob said:


> Sorry your B s are coming out as D s on my tablet





Jameshow said:


> Defo 35..... !View attachment 117365


She's 63, you numpties!


----------



## stuart little

Trainee neophyte said:


> Took me a moment. I think Dad and Bad are synonyms. At least, that is what I am told, repeatedly.


I wouldn't take that route to Wales, I'd just go 10miles along the A40 to Monmouth!!!!


----------



## John Brown

stuart little said:


> She's 63, you numpties!


How do you get 63?


----------



## stuart little

stuart little said:


> She's 63, you numpties!


Oops! Senior moment : She's 67 ! Now who's the numpty? Moi


----------



## stuart little

How do you put an elephant in a fridge?

Open the door & shove it in!


How do you put a giraffe in a fridge?

First take out the elephant, then put the giraffe in!


----------



## JSW

stuart little said:


> Oops! Senior moment : She's 67 ! Now who's the numpty? Moi


----------



## mikej460

This was nominated "best email of 1997". A telephonic exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia



Room Service:​"Morny. Ruin sorbees"Guest:​"Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service"Room Service:​"Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"Guest:​"Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"Room Service:​"Ow July den?"Guest:​"What??"Room Service:​"Ow July den?...pry,boy, pooch?"Guest:​"Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."Room Service:​"Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"Guest:​"Crisp will be fine."Room Service:​"Hokay. An San toes?"Guest:​"What???"​Room Service:​"San toes. July San toes?"Guest:​"Uhh... I don't think so"Room Service:​"No? Judo one toes??"Guest:​"I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means."Room Service:​"Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"Guest:​"Oh, English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine." Yes, an English muffin will be fine."Room Service:​"We bother?"Guest:​"No. Just put the bother on the side."Room Service:​"Wad?"Guest:​"I mean butter...just put it on the side."Room Service:​"Copy?"Guest:​"Sorry???"Room Service:​"Copy...tea...mill?"Guest:​"Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."Room Service:​"One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"Guest:​"Whatever you say."Room Service:​"Tendjewberrymud."Guest:​"You're welcome."


----------



## John Brown

1997 must have been a lean year for emails.
Apparently, about one in 500 people had email back then. That's 35%, defo.


----------



## Thingybob

stuart little said:


> Oops! Senior moment : She's 67 ! Now who's the numpty? Moi


And i bet the bookcases you made didnt fit either lol


----------



## MorrisWoodman12

nickds1 said:


> Useful odd facts about time:
> 
> A microFortnight is approximately 1 second (*)
> 
> There are about 10 million Pi seconds in a year.
> 
> (*) actually about 1.2 seconds - microFortnights were used in what was a very popular operating system (OpenVMS) back in the day to set the value of the TIMEPROMTWAIT SYSGEN parameter.



And distance - a nano light year is about 1 foot (300mm). Nano is a thousandth of a millionth or ten raised to minus nine. In other words light travels 300mm in 1 nSec.


----------



## Daniel2




----------



## bushwhaker

A tourist was visiting a small village in Newfoundland.

He approached a local person and asked, "What's the quickest way to Marystown?"

The local, scratched his head, "Are ya walkin' er drivin'?" he asked the stranger.

"I'm driving," answered the stranger.

"Good! That's the quickest way."


----------



## Thingybob

MorrisWoodman12 said:


> And distance - a nano light year is about 1 foot (300mm). Nano is a thousandth of a millionth or ten raised to minus nine. In other words light travels 300mm in 1 nSec.


 So 20x8.4 nano light years of 4x2 should be enough to build a stud wall in my work shop


----------



## Thingybob

nickds1 said:


> Useful odd facts about time:
> 
> A microFortnight is approximately 1 second (*)
> 
> There are about 10 million Pi seconds in a year.
> 
> (*) actually about 1.2 seconds - microFortnights were used in what was a very popular operating system (OpenVMS) back in the day to set the value of the TIMEPROMTWAIT SYSGEN parameter.


 Now i know how i went forwards instead of backwards simple when you think about it thanks


----------



## dzj




----------



## nickds1

bushwhaker said:


> A tourist was visiting a small village in Newfoundland.
> ...


Having lived there (St. Johns) for a bit, I'm standing up for the Newfies.

Back when I was living there in the early '80s, they were some of the nicest, kindest most helpful folk around.

Newfies get a bad rap from mainland Canada, and unfairly so IMHO. One of the the first things I was asked when I arrived there was:

"What's back and blue and floats in St Johns harbour?"

"A mainlander that tells Newfie jokes..."


----------



## Phil Pascoe

I read the other day about the use of Gander airport after 9/11 - the people were amazing.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Tris

What's the loudest noise in the jungle?

A giraffe eating cherries


----------



## John Brown

What's a giraffe doing in the jungle?


----------



## bushwhaker

Presently, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.

Therefore, every day I go down on the street and tell the passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before and what I will do tomorrow night.

Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening and spending time in my pool. I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them.

And it works!

I already have three people following me... two police officers and a psychiatrist!


----------



## Phil Pascoe

John Brown said:


> What's a giraffe doing in the jungle?


Looking for cherries.


----------



## Geoff_S

Phil Pascoe said:


> Looking for cherries.


Boom! 

Are you and Tris a double act?


----------



## WoodchipWilbur

John Brown said:


> What's a giraffe doing in the jungle?


Eating cherries.

[Edit] Sorry - late in on that...


----------



## stuart little

Thingybob said:


> And i bet the bookcases you made didnt fit either lol


Oh yes they did!


----------



## WoodchipWilbur

nickds1 said:


> Having lived there (St. Johns) for a bit, I'm standing up for the Newfies.


Indeed. But this is a global trait. In England, we do it to the Irish. In Europe, it's Belgium that cops it. Australia does the same to New Zealand. In New Zealand, it's North Island v South Island

Always one country (or part thereof) vs. a smaller neighbour. 

What (to my mind) distinguishes a good Newfie joke (if we're allowed any) is the double punchline. For example, in brief:
Housebuilding. Builder throws half of the nails away. Asked why, "Because the've got the heads on the wrong end."
"Dumbo. They are the nails for the other side of the building."

[It's not so much the joke; it's the way you tell it.]


----------



## Phil Pascoe

WoodchipWilbur said:


> Indeed. But this is a global trait. In England, we do it to the Irish. In Europe, it's Belgium that cops it. Australia does the same to New Zealand. In New Zealand, it's North Island v South Island



I had some years ago a huge paperback of the world's racist and unPC jokes. The author stated at the beginning that virtually ever joke recurs in some form all over the world.


----------



## Phil Pascoe

WoodchipWilbur said:


> What (to my mind) distinguishes a good Newfie joke (if we're allowed any) is the double punchline. For example, in brief:
> Housebuilding. Builder throws half of the nails away. Asked why, "Because the've got the heads on the wrong end."
> "Dumbo. They are the nails for the other side of the building."



Reminiscent of the blonde joke - A blonde sees another blonde on opposite river bank. How do I get over there? she shouts. What? comes the reply, you are over there.


----------



## Jonm

stuart little said:


> The old 'uns are always the best!


It’s not that old, I can remember crossing to Wales on the car ferry and glimpsing the new bridge under construction through the mist.


----------



## Tim Nott

Jameshow said:


> Defo 35..... !View attachment 117365


67 - the sister is three years younger


----------



## Pineapple

stuart little said:


> She's 63, you numpties!


Her Sister is 67 now.


----------



## Jonm

Pineapple said:


> Her Sister is 67 now.


Not necessarily, it depends on your definition of age. If the measurement is in years then the age difference is anything between “1 year and 1 day” to “1 year and 364 days“. The younger sister will be aged between “66 and 1 day” to “68 and 364 days”. Also, whilst the older sister is 70 the younger sisters age will change from “66 to 67“ or from “67 to 68“, unless they we’re born on the same day and month.

I think that is correct, without checking it on paper.


----------



## Rustic Mike

stuart little said:


> How do you put an elephant in a fridge?
> 
> Open the door & shove it in!
> 
> 
> How do you put a giraffe in a fridge?
> 
> First take out the elephant, then put the giraffe in!


If you walk backwards in flip flops, would they be flop flips.


----------



## Jonm

Rustic Mike said:


> If you walk backwards in flip flops, would they be flop flips.


More like crash, bang, wallop.


----------



## Just4Fun

stuart little said:


> Oh yes they did!


Audience, all together now: OH NO THEY DIDN'T!


----------



## Thingybob

Meanwhile in another thread the earth is suffering from global warming but its the English way have a laugh on the way All togeather now ( when your smiling .........)


----------



## Sandyn

As I get older, I find I just use three shops: Specsavers, Boots and Greggs.....My life is just specs, drugs and sausage rolls!!


----------



## nickds1

Phil Pascoe said:


> I read the other day about the use of Gander airport after 9/11 - the people were amazing.


Ahhh. The joys of Gander International Airport. I was stuck in there for 3 days once during a blizzard...

There's a lot of interesting history around that airport...


----------



## Linus

nickds1 said:


> Ahhh. The joys of Gander International Airport. I was stuck in there for 3 days once during a blizzard...
> 
> There's a lot of interesting history around that airport...


From memory, when we last landed at Gander, there was an advertising sign that read "Drink Canada Dry". We tried but failed


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Droogs

Sandyn said:


> As I get older, I find I just use three shops: Specsavers, Boots and Greggs.....My life is just specs, drugs and sausage rolls!!


You're not old yet. Your're old when the *only *shoe shop you have been in in the last 5 years is Sketchers


----------



## Garden Shed Projects

I won’t claim this as my own but it just came up on Facebook . 

A pensioner drove his brand new BMW to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought, 

"I'm too old for this nonsense !" 

So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, 

"Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go."

The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :- 

"Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!

The Cop left saying, 

" Have a good day, Sir "...


----------



## Ttrees

Thanks to Dr Silvia for sorting out meds for the carbuncle I had where the sun don't shine.
Rang again today semi delirious from pain and no sleep to see if I could up my meds, but was advised to go to the big house instead.
Considered this, but needed a nap first and thankfully not needed to go anywhere when I woke.

Said to the missus, I'd nearly ring them back just in case they rang the hospital...
What ya gonna do says herself...send her flowers, and what am I getting for being a top nurse ?
Well I'll get you some of you like, I can afford those
Ya says herself £1.60 for flour in the shop is what you mean
Well I says, whats your Odlum?


----------



## Garno

Ttrees said:


> Thanks to Dr Silvia for sorting out meds for the carbuncle I had where the sun don't shine.
> Rang again today semi delirious from pain and no sleep to see if I could up my meds, but was advised to go to the big house instead.
> Considered this, but needed a nap first and thankfully not needed to go anywhere when I woke.
> 
> Said to the missus, I'd nearly ring them back just in case they rang the hospital...
> What ya gonna do says herself...send her flowers, and what am I getting for being a top nurse ?
> Well I'll get you some of you like, I can afford those
> Ya says herself £1.60 for flour in the shop is what you mean
> Well I says, whats your Odlum?



I can hold hand on heart and say I don't understand this one iota. 

Sorry ....


----------



## Cabinetman

+1 
seems Odlum make a brown bread mix, not that it helps much


----------



## Daniel2

Garno said:


> I can hold hand on heart and say I don't understand this one iota.
> 
> Sorry ....



That's comforting. I thought it was just me.


----------



## Phil Pascoe

Garno said:


> I can hold hand on heart and say I don't understand this one iota.
> 
> Sorry ....


I thought it was just me.


----------



## dzj




----------



## mikej460

dzj said:


> View attachment 117537


So just to convert from US to UK how many washing machines make one football field? Is there a calculator I can google?


----------



## Phil Pascoe

No, it's volume - it would be washing machines to a double decker bus. Or in metric, probably to an Olympic swimming pool.


----------



## J-G

Phil Pascoe said:


> probably to an Olympic swimming pool.


That can't work since there is no 'standard' depth.


----------



## mikej460

There needs to be an online calculator


----------



## Ozi

Phil Pascoe said:


> I thought it was just me.


I thought it was just Ttrees - sorry


----------



## Stuart Moffat

Mornington Crescent.


----------



## AES

Phil Pascoe said:


> I thought it was just me.



And not to be just a copycat, I thought it was just "me three" (who couldn't understand it)!


----------



## Jameshow

Stuart Moffat said:


> Mornington Crescent.


What!!!


----------



## Linus

AES said:


> And not to be just a copycat, I thought it was just "me three" (who couldn't understand it)!


Oh no! We've got Victor Borge now!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## dzj




----------



## stuart little

dzj said:


> View attachment 117537


How many washing machines will   fit in a kickball field?
Oh, I see you guys beat me to it.
As the late great Wogan said " We're as mad as a bucket of frogs" !


----------



## Frank House

mikej460 said:


> So just to convert from US to UK how many washing machines make one football field? Is there a calculator I can google?








The Reg online standards converter







www.theregister.com


----------



## TRITON

I only work in Olympic sized swimming pools and London buses.

Anyway, I thought this was a joke thread. Geeks please leave and let's just be getting the funnies.


Or maybe we are getting the funnies


----------



## mikej460

Frank House said:


> The Reg online standards converter
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> www.theregister.com


Excellent....but it needs updating as it doesn't include the new washing machine metric


----------



## Jameshow

No mention of - Blue whales / London buses / taxis / Nelson column / Boeing 747 etc!!!


----------



## Jameshow

MIL coming tomorrow for the week. 

Have been warned by wife no comparisons between Taliban and MIL I said " fair enough Taliban have changed their ways!!"


----------



## Phil Pascoe

My wife's new nickname - Narnia. She has the hair of a lion, the face of a witch and the body of a wardrobe.


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Tris

When your beloved asks for a new broom, best not to ask if the last one was written off in a crash landing


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Jameshow




----------



## Cabinetman

Tris said:


> When your beloved asks for a new broom, best not to ask if the last one was written off in a crash landing


The story about witch’s and what they did with broomsticks and why is .......interesting, to say the least.


----------



## Jester129

*It's a five minute walk from my house to the pub
It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house
The difference is staggering*


----------



## Jester129

*I got myself a seniors' GPS.
Not only does it tell me how to get to my destination,
it tells me why I wanted to go there.*


----------



## Jester129




----------



## dickm

Tris said:


> When your beloved asks for a new broom, best not to ask if the last one was written off in a crash landing


Related example of Doric humour. Bought a yard broom for 50p at a garage sale in the next village. As I carried it out, an old boy (almost certainly younger than me) looked at it and commented "That was cheap if you are sure it works".


----------



## JSW

Posted this on another forum, but probably more relevant on UKW. Last line of the review


----------



## Doug B




----------



## TRITON

Cabinetman said:


> The story about witch’s and what they did with broomsticks and why is .......interesting, to say the least.


To do with the properties of the wood isnt it. To cure infection...down there...

What is interesting is how that was twisted with no doubt some individual claiming he/she saw that person flying about on it, which has led to the idea of witches and broomsticks, when the true of it is a medicinal herbology cure.
Another interesting line on the was that is twisted to brand someone a witch in the middle ages is the was the Pantomime Aladdin is racist, or bigoted rather.
The magician - of middle eastern origin, flies about on a magic carpet.
This idea is also middle age in its origin, and again stems from some hate filled individual claiming he saw an Arab, or follower of Islam, on a carpet flying about, so must be 'of the devil' and ripe for burning at the stake.
Coincidental that the carpet is in fact a prayer mat ? 

Always found it funny that that seemingly innocent characterisation is lost on the average panto goer.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Cabinetman

TRITON said:


> To do with the properties of the wood isnt it. To cure infection...down there...
> 
> What is interesting is how that was twisted with no doubt some individual claiming he/she saw that person flying about on it, which has led to the idea of witches and broomsticks, when the true of it is a medicinal herbology cure.
> Another interesting line on the was that is twisted to brand someone a witch in the middle ages is the was the Pantomime Aladdin is racist, or bigoted rather.
> The magician - of middle eastern origin, flies about on a magic carpet.
> This idea is also middle age in its origin, and again stems from some hate filled individual claiming he saw an Arab, or follower of Islam, on a carpet flying about, so must be 'of the devil' and ripe for burning at the stake.
> Coincidental that the carpet is in fact a prayer mat ?
> 
> Always found it funny that that seemingly innocent characterisation is lost on the average panto goer.


Haha, no it was coated in drugs to get an lsd type high, ergot or is it argot - it’s a mildew found on wheat I believe. Ian


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Sachakins

Doug B said:


> View attachment 117694


Matched only by the skiddies on his undies ........


----------



## Doug B




----------



## stuart little

Doug B said:


> View attachment 117691


Where's the joke??? No doubt someone knows


----------



## stuart little

TRITON said:


> To do with the properties of the wood isnt it. To cure infection...down there...
> 
> What is interesting is how that was twisted with no doubt some individual claiming he/she saw that person flying about on it, which has led to the idea of witches and broomsticks, when the true of it is a medicinal herbology cure.
> Another interesting line on the was that is twisted to brand someone a witch in the middle ages is the was the Pantomime Aladdin is racist, or bigoted rather.
> The magician - of middle eastern origin, flies about on a magic carpet.
> This idea is also middle age in its origin, and again stems from some hate filled individual claiming he saw an Arab, or follower of Islam, on a carpet flying about, so must be 'of the devil' and ripe for burning at the stake.
> Coincidental that the carpet is in fact a prayer mat ?
> 
> Always found it funny that that seemingly innocent characterisation is lost on the average panto goer.


Another thought; maybe the sight of an accused 'witch' on a ducking stool gave the impression of 'riding a broomstick' ?


----------



## John Brown

stuart little said:


> Where's the joke??? No doubt someone knows


Prince Andrew is being threatened with legal action in America. In a court.
Emma Raducanu played tennis on a court, in America.


----------



## Cozzer

stuart little said:


> Where's the joke??? No doubt someone knows



...and some fell on stony ground....


----------



## stuart little

John Brown said:


> Prince Andrew is being threatened with legal action in America. In a court.
> Emma Raducanu played tennis on a court, in America.





Cozzer said:


> ...and some fell on stony ground....


Thanks John, but never heard of her, probably 'cos I don't like tennis, watch very little TV ,don't read newspapers nor listen to news! 
Ps. I don't get out much either - too busy building (model) ships.!

Stuart


----------



## John Brown

stuart little said:


> Thanks John, but never heard of her, probably 'cos I don't like tennis, watch very little TV ,don't read newspapers nor listen to news!
> Ps. I don't get out much either - too busy building (model) ships.!
> 
> Stuart


Don't worry about it, I doubt she's heard of you.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Cozzer

stuart little said:


> Thanks John, but never heard of her, probably 'cos I don't like tennis, watch very little TV ,don't read newspapers nor listen to news!
> Ps. I don't get out much either - too busy building (model) ships.!
> 
> Stuart



Oh...by the way.... in case you missed it, JFK's been shot.


----------



## TRITON

Cozzer said:


> Oh...by the way.... in case you missed it, JFK's been shot.


Arranged by a guy called Jack Ruby.


----------



## Jameshow

Also princess Diana died in Paris, and terrorists few planes into the NY trade centre a couple days ago.....!


----------



## Doug B

Jameshow said:


> Also princess Diana died in Paris,



I realised this when I bought a bottle of pop recently


----------



## stuart little

Cozzer said:


> Oh...by the way.... in case you missed it, JFK's been shot.


I do know that Churchill's dead!


----------



## stuart little

No wonder it's known as the 'mad house'


----------



## Doug B

Grandad went to Switzerland yesterday & checked into Dignitas imagine his surprise when for breakfast this morning they served him Cheerios


----------



## Garden Shed Projects




----------



## dzj




----------



## Chris152




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Sandyn

I'm trying to identify this wood







I think it could be Ash??


----------



## Cabinetman

Sandyn said:


> I'm trying to identify this wood
> 
> 
> View attachment 117973
> 
> 
> I think it could be Ash??


So what’s this I found in my hearth?


----------



## flying haggis

La-burn-ham


----------



## stuart little

Vincent van Gogh was asked by a pal if he'd like a drink. "No thanks, I got one 'ere" said Vincent!


----------



## daftdog

stuart little said:


> Vincent van Gogh was asked by a pal if he'd like a drink. "No thanks, I got one 'ere" said Vincent!


oohh


----------



## daftdog

daftdog said:


> oohh d ear


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Jameshow

Infection known as mad cow disease found on Somerset farm


Officials say there is no current risk to public health from the infection, known as mad cow disease.



www.bbc.co.uk





Cannot possibly be true as my MIL is in Yorkshire!


----------



## bushwhaker

When I was young I wanted to be a doctor, so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School.
One of the questions asked was to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when it is erect.
Those who answered SPINE are doctors today.


----------



## John Brown

Those who immediately saw snipe, pines or peins are reading woodworking forums today.


----------



## dzj




----------



## bushwhaker

John Brown said:


> Those who immediately saw snipe, pines or peins are reading woodworking forums today.


Тouchér!


----------



## Robbo3

Golf Course Membership

A Scottish Jew decided to retire and take up golf, so he applied for membership at a local golf club.

About a week later he received a letter that his application has been rejected. He went to the club to inquire as to why.

Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?

Scottish Jew: Aye, but I'm as Scottish as you are, ma'am, my name is MacTavishstien.

Secretary: Do you know that on formal occasions we wear a kilt?

Scottish Jew: Aye, I do know, and I wear a kilt too.

Secretary: You are also aware, that we wear nothing under the kilt?

Scottish Jew: Aye, and neither do I.

Secretary: Are you also aware, that the members sit naked in the steam room?

Scottish Jew: Aye, I also do the same.

Secretary: But you are a Jew?

Scottish Jew: Aye, I be that.

Secretary: So, being Jewish, you are circumcised, is that correct?

Scottish Jew: Aye, I be that, too.

Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable sitting in the steam room with you, since your privates are different from theirs.

Scottish Jew: Ach, I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen. And I know that you have to be a Catholic to join the Knights of Columbus. But this is the first time I've heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club!


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Robbo3

Jewish Samurai

There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief.

A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.

The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half.

The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a
matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces.

The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"

Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.

The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?"

The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not meant to kill."


----------



## dzj




----------



## Cozzer

S'funny, the things that inspire songwriters to put pen to paper.
For example, it was when Khrushchev's two lads bought a pair of rather swish yachts that led to the classic "Red sons in the sail set" to be written...


----------



## AES

Ouch!!!!!!


----------



## Robbo3

Reported in the Newcastle Evening Chronicle U.K. : 

A lady died this past September, and MBNA bank billed her in October and November for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then in December added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. 

The balance that had been £0.00, now is somewhere around £60.00.

A family member placed a call to the MBNA Bank . . . : 


Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you that my grandma died in September.'

MBNA: 'But the account was never closed and so the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to your collections section.'

MBNA: ‘Since it is two months over due, it already has been.'

Family Member: ‘So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

MBNA: 'Either report her account to the Frauds Department or report her to The Credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

MBNA: 'Excuse me?'

Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you . . The part about her being dead?'

MBNA: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.' 

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died in September.' 

MBNA: 'But the account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

MBNA: (Stammer) 'Are you her solicitor?'

Family Member: 'No, I'm her grandson'

MBNA: 'Could you fax us a death certificate?'

Family Member: 'Sure.' ( fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

MBNA: 'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'

Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.'

MBNA: 'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.'

Family Member: ‘Would you like her new billing address?'

MBNA: 'That would help.'

Family Member: ' Plot 1049.' Heaton Cemetary, Heaton Road , Newcastle upon Tyne

MBNA: 'But, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member: 'Well, what do you do with dead people on your planet?'


----------



## Turnr77




----------



## Turnr77




----------



## Ozi

Turnr77 said:


> View attachment 118330


'Ed Wood


----------



## Sachakins

Turnr77 said:


> View attachment 118330


Betty Swollocks


----------



## Linus

Turnr77 said:


> View attachment 118330


Er...Richard?


----------



## Phil Pascoe

Buster Gonad.


----------



## sploo

Feline horny?

Caterwang?

Authoritarian Diktcat?


----------



## Robbo3

A Jewish man married a Chinese woman. Their marriage was doing so well that they decided to have a baby. The husband wanted the baby to have a name that epitomized "Jewish people of today." His wife wanted the baby to have a meaningful Chinese name.

After much thought they chose to combine two very meaningful names into one for their special boy. They named him Cha-Ching


----------



## Suffolk Brian

Turnr77 said:


> View attachment 118330


Cooking fat?


----------



## Droogs

Brian, the one I know is a bit of a dick


----------



## Amateur




----------



## Rustic Mike

Turnr77 said:


> View attachment 118329


He must be nuts


----------



## Rustic Mike

Turnr77 said:


> View attachment 118330


Percy or Dickie


----------



## MorrisWoodman12

Turnr77 said:


> View attachment 118329



Obviously didn't go well: she bolted cos his nuts were too big.


----------



## Turnr77

A lady is at the hairdressers, the stylist is one of those people who always likes to put people and the things they do down, but it was the only appointment available. The following conversation ensues.

Stylist: So are you having your hair done for a special occasion.

Customer: Yes we're off on holiday on Friday, we're going to Rome for our Anniversary.

S: Oh you don't want to go there, we went 2 years ago, it's an awful smelly, dirty city, full of uncouth locals. Who are you flying with?

C: We're flying with BA.

S: You'll regret it, we flew with them last year, seats were too close together, cabin staff were rude, food was awful and I would never fly with them again. Where are you staying?

C: The Hotel Bella Vista.

S: OMG that's where we stayed, the room was tiny, the bed was uncomfortable and the food was terrible, you'll regret staying there. What are your plans there?

C: Well one of the things we are most looking forward to is going to Vatican City to see the Pope addressing the people in St. Peters' Square.

S: You'll be wasting your time, we went, it was absolutely packed you'll get nowhere near him, hardly hear a word he says and be pressed against people on all sides, then struggle to get out through the crowds afterwards.

The customer is now totally peed off so doesn't engage in further conversation pays and leaves.

A month or so after her holiday she makes another appointment and books with the same stylist, just as she has finished the stylist remembers her from before.

S: Oh you were going to Rome weren't you, I told you how bad it was, I bet you regret it now.

C: On the contrary we had a wonderful time.

S: Humph, well I bet the flight was appalling!

C: No it was fantastic, the check in staff member was lovely, she asked if we were going for a special occasion and had we had been to Rome before, we said it was for our anniversary and when we said we hadn't been before she recommended some places to visit and some good restaurants. Then asked us to wait a minute and went and spoke to her manager. When she came back she upgraded us to first class. Lots of legroom, really wide comfortable seats, great food on proper china, free champagne, it was superb and was a great start to our holiday.

S: Well, what about that terrible Hotel?

C: It was absolutely great, the BA check in lady had asked where we were staying, we didn't think anything of it. But when we arrived she had called the Hotel and told them it was our anniversary. They upgraded our double room to a Penthouse suite with a roof terrace looking across Rome. Breakfast was served every day on the terrace, the staff couldn't do more for us and the food in the restaurant was sublime. And before you ask we didn't find Rome dirty and smelly at all, it was a lovely City with some of the friendliest people I've met .

S: I know you must have had a terrible time in Vatican City trying to see the Pope!

C: Not at all, we made sure we weren't too late getting there so we weren't too far back, everyone was quiet and respectful and were there to listen to The Pope like us.

S: You may have heard him but you still couldn't have really seen him up there on his balcony.

C: Actually as the sermon ended a gentleman in a suit with an earpiece in his ear approached us and said that after every sermon The Pope likes to meet a small number of people who have come to hear him and he was one of the staff sent to select those people, would we like a private audience with The Pope? Of course we said yes and went with him.

S: What? You didn't

C: Yes we did, we along with just 4 other couples were taken into The Vatican and seated in a large room then after a few minutes The Pope came in blessed us and spoke to us each in turn.

S: That's amazing what did he say?

C: Well he looked at me and said "who the f**k did your hair.

With that she got up and left


----------



## Cozzer

Turnr77 said:


> A lady is at the hairdressers, the stylist is one of those people who always likes to put people and the things they do down, but it was the only appointment available. The following conversation ensues.
> 
> Stylist: So are you having your hair done for a special occasion.
> 
> Customer: Yes we're off on holiday on Friday, we're going to Rome for our Anniversary.
> 
> S: Oh you don't want to go there, we went 2 years ago, it's an awful smelly, dirty city, full of uncouth locals. Who are you flying with?
> 
> C: We're flying with BA.
> 
> S: You'll regret it, we flew with them last year, seats were too close together, cabin staff were rude, food was awful and I would never fly with them again. Where are you staying?
> 
> C: The Hotel Bella Vista.
> 
> S: OMG that's where we stayed, the room was tiny, the bed was uncomfortable and the food was terrible, you'll regret staying there. What are your plans there?
> 
> C: Well one of the things we are most looking forward to is going to Vatican City to see the Pope addressing the people in St. Peters' Square.
> 
> S: You'll be wasting your time, we went, it was absolutely packed you'll get nowhere near him, hardly hear a word he says and be pressed against people on all sides, then struggle to get out through the crowds afterwards.
> 
> The customer is now totally peed off so doesn't engage in further conversation pays and leaves.
> 
> A month or so after her holiday she makes another appointment and books with the same stylist, just as she has finished the stylist remembers her from before.
> 
> S: Oh you were going to Rome weren't you, I told you how bad it was, I bet you regret it now.
> 
> C: On the contrary we had a wonderful time.
> 
> S: Humph, well I bet the flight was appalling!
> 
> C: No it was fantastic, the check in staff member was lovely, she asked if we were going for a special occasion and had we had been to Rome before, we said it was for our anniversary and when we said we hadn't been before she recommended some places to visit and some good restaurants. Then asked us to wait a minute and went and spoke to her manager. When she came back she upgraded us to first class. Lots of legroom, really wide comfortable seats, great food on proper china, free champagne, it was superb and was a great start to our holiday.
> 
> S: Well, what about that terrible Hotel?
> 
> C: It was absolutely great, the BA check in lady had asked where we were staying, we didn't think anything of it. But when we arrived she had called the Hotel and told them it was our anniversary. They upgraded our double room to a Penthouse suite with a roof terrace looking across Rome. Breakfast was served every day on the terrace, the staff couldn't do more for us and the food in the restaurant was sublime. And before you ask we didn't find Rome dirty and smelly at all, it was a lovely City with some of the friendliest people I've met .
> 
> S: I know you must have had a terrible time in Vatican City trying to see the Pope!
> 
> C: Not at all, we made sure we weren't too late getting there so we weren't too far back, everyone was quiet and respectful and were there to listen to The Pope like us.
> 
> S: You may have heard him but you still couldn't have really seen him up there on his balcony.
> 
> C: Actually as the sermon ended a gentleman in a suit with an earpiece in his ear approached us and said that after every sermon The Pope likes to meet a small number of people who have come to hear him and he was one of the staff sent to select those people, would we like a private audience with The Pope? Of course we said yes and went with him.
> 
> S: What? You didn't
> 
> C: Yes we did, we along with just 4 other couples were taken into The Vatican and seated in a large room then after a few minutes The Pope came in blessed us and spoke to us each in turn.
> 
> S: That's amazing what did he say?
> 
> C: Well he looked at me and said "who the f**k did your hair.
> 
> With that she got up and left



Brilliant!


----------



## Thingybob

Robbo3 said:


> Reported in the Newcastle Evening Chronicle U.K. :
> 
> A lady died this past September, and MBNA bank billed her in October and November for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then in December added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.
> 
> The balance that had been £0.00, now is somewhere around £60.00.
> 
> A family member placed a call to the MBNA Bank . . . :
> 
> 
> Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you that my grandma died in September.'
> 
> MBNA: 'But the account was never closed and so the late fees and charges still apply.'
> 
> Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to your collections section.'
> 
> MBNA: ‘Since it is two months over due, it already has been.'
> 
> Family Member: ‘So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
> 
> MBNA: 'Either report her account to the Frauds Department or report her to The Credit bureau, maybe both!'
> 
> Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
> 
> MBNA: 'Excuse me?'
> 
> Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you . . The part about her being dead?'
> 
> MBNA: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'
> 
> Supervisor gets on the phone:
> 
> Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died in September.'
> 
> MBNA: 'But the account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
> 
> Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'
> 
> MBNA: (Stammer) 'Are you her solicitor?'
> 
> Family Member: 'No, I'm her grandson'
> 
> MBNA: 'Could you fax us a death certificate?'
> 
> Family Member: 'Sure.' ( fax number is given )
> 
> After they get the fax:
> 
> MBNA: 'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'
> 
> Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.'
> 
> MBNA: 'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.'
> 
> Family Member: ‘Would you like her new billing address?'
> 
> MBNA: 'That would help.'
> 
> Family Member: ' Plot 1049.' Heaton Cemetary, Heaton Road , Newcastle upon Tyne
> 
> MBNA: 'But, that's a cemetery!'
> 
> Family Member: 'Well, what do you do with dead people on your planet?'


This is not a joke its all too common when computer says no the opperator can not use common sence


----------



## Thingybob

Turnr77 said:


> View attachment 118330


Cocky the Kat


----------



## gwaithcoed

Here pussy cat


----------



## Cordy




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Sachakins

And the infamous 
Jack Russel + Shitzu
The dog that doesn't give a fig.


----------



## Robbo3

Of course, you'll all have heard of Ashogi, the brilliant Japanese engineering student?

Being an excellent student AND an enthusiast to boot, with specialisation in Electronic-Mechanical interfacing, he was over the moon when, upon graduating with an Honours Degree in Engineering AND first in his class at Tokyo Uni that year, he was offered the position of Leading Development Engineer on the Suzuki motorcycle Moto GP and Trials & Scrambling AND World Superbike teams.

Even better, a year later, when Suzuki made a clean sweep and won the World Championships in all classes, his joy was knew no bounds.

But as ever with such fabulous stories, there was a dark cloud on his horizon.

As we all know, bowing (formally, from the waist downwards) forms an integral part of Japanese culture, particularly so within the higher echelons of a large company like Suzuki.

You see, poor old Ashogi had a problem - every time he bowed he farted. And even worse, his farts were always LOUD - not stinky you understand, but very, VERY loud! And as a crowning problem for someone inhabiting the upper levels of the Suzuki hierarchy, has farts always sounded just like "HONNDDARRRRRRR".

So facing the upcoming formal dinner to celebrate the Suzuki team's - and in particularly his own - successes, he decided he MUST do something about his very loud "Honda problem".

So he arranged an urgent appointment with his GP.

After a thorough top to toe examination the Doctor admitted defeat and could find nothing at all wrong with Ashogi. He could only suggest that he make a dentist's appointment just to be sure.

After a quick examination followed by some immediate extensive dental work with Ashogi in the chair, the dentist finished up and invited Ashogi to try the finished result.

"Absolute magic" cried Ashogi when, after several pretty strenuous trial formal bowing sessions, not only was there no sound of "Honda", but even better, there was only complete silence - not even the faintest suggestion of a fart.

"WONDERFUL" cried Ashogi, "But I don't understand. Why should my teeth have anything to do with my farting problem?"

"Oh" said the dentist "Didn't you know .....................

"Abscess makes the fart go Honda"


----------



## Turnr77

American President Joe Biden is visiting a Glasgow hospital.

He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness,

He greets one.

The patient replies:

Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm.

Biden is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.

The next patient responds:

Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit.

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the President moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

Wee sleekit, cowerin, timorous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle

Now seriously troubled, Biden turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, 'Is this a psychiatric ward?'


'No,' replies the doctor, 'this is the serious Burns unit.'


----------



## Jamesc

We so need a groan emoji


----------



## Linus

It's so bad it's good!


----------



## AES

Jamesc said:


> We so need a groan emoji



YES, we dooooooooo! (Lovely one Turn77)


----------



## Turnr77

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring. "Yeah right!" she says.
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies.
He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were .... or what we did ... but, ... We took first and second place."


----------



## Turnr77

Pete & Sally move to a remote country cottage that needs restoration, to get away from the rat race. The only fly in the ointment is their nearest neighbour from some way along the lane is an old guy in his 80’s who keeps hobbling along to see what they are doing.

One hot summers day Pete is up on the roof replacing broken slates and Sally is taking advantage of the remote location to sunbathe nude in the garden. Pete looks up to see the neighbour on two walking sticks making his way up the lane, he calls down to Sally that she’d best cover up as the nosey old sods on his way.

Unfortunately Sally undressed inside and realises that if she stands up to run in the old guy will see her above the hedge and probably have a heart attack. She looks around and sees a triangular piece of old slate from the roof and thinking it,s no worse than a pair of briefs places it over her lower region folds her arms across her chest and lies back and pretends to be asleep.

The old guy finally makes it and looking over the hedge he looks around then calls up to Pete “ eh, your doing a grand job on that roof son” he then looks down at Sally and says “though I see that things have changed a lot since I was young”.

“What do you mean?” Pete asks.

“Well” says the neighbour nodding towards Sally “them was all thatched when I was a lad”


----------



## Cordy

thought my money worries were over when I started dating a rich girl...

....turns out I misheard her --- she actually makes hats


----------



## Linus

They're getting worse............


----------



## Trainee neophyte

Two jokes I heard the other day, which may be a new low for this thread:

Q: What's red and shaped like a bucket?
A: a red bucket.


Q: What's green and has wheels?
A: Grass. (I lied about the wheels.)


----------



## Jameshow

Groan!


----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Turnr77

A blonde is given a job in quality control at the factory that makes the ‘Tickle Me Elmo’ Muppet character toys.

At the end of the her first day the Foreman reports to the Manager that she’ll have to go as normally they would produce 500 in a day but today they have only managed 4.

The manager goes to see what the problem is and finds the blonde at the end of the production line with a massive pile of Elmo’s waiting to be checked and finished on one side of her and just the 4 finished in boxes as reported. She is sat with a box of marbles and a pile of red plush fabric he watches as she picks up two marbles wraps them in the fabric and sews them between an Elmo’s legs.

‘No, no, no’ he says ‘you’ve misunderstood you’re supposed to give Elmo two test tickles!’


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Thingybob

Trainee neophyte said:


> Two jokes I heard the other day, which may be a new low for this thread:
> 
> Q: What's red and shaped like a bucket?
> A: a red bucket.
> 
> 
> Q: What's green and has wheels?
> A: Grass. (I lied about the wheels.)


Dont give up the day job lol


----------



## Thingybob

Trainee neophyte said:


> Two jokes I heard the other day, which may be a new low for this thread:
> 
> Q: What's red and shaped like a bucket?
> A: a red bucket.
> 
> 
> Q: What's green and has wheels?
> A: Grass. (I lied about the wheels.)


Now i know where the saying " A Greek Tragedy" comes from


----------



## selectortone

Meanwhile, sperm banks all over the country are experiencing shortages because all the w*nkers are queuing, with 3/4 full tanks, at petrol stations.


----------



## Garden Shed Projects




----------



## paulrbarnard

Garden Shed Projects said:


> View attachment 118557


That’s no joke…


----------



## Robbo3

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said, “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.”
The cat thought for a moment and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors… I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.” God said, “Say no more.” Instantly, the cat had a HUGE fluffy pillow.

A few days later, 12 mice were simultaneously killed in an accident and they all went up to Heaven together. God met the mice at the Gates of Heaven, with the exact same offer that He made to the cat.
The mice said, “Well, we have had to run all of our lives… from cats, dogs, and even from people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller-skates, we would never have to run again.” God answered, “It is done.” All the mice had beautiful little roller-skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat… He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, “Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?”

The cat replied, “Oh, everything is just WONDERFUL… I’ve never been so happy in my life! My pillow is always fluffy and those little “Meals-on-Wheels” that You have been sending over are delicious!!


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## stuart little

Trainee neophyte said:


> Two jokes I heard the other day, which may be a new low for this thread:
> 
> Q: What's red and shaped like a bucket?
> A: a red bucket.
> 
> 
> Q: What's green and has wheels?
> A: Grass. (I lied about the wheels.)


Groan!


----------



## Garden Shed Projects




----------



## selectortone




----------



## Turnr77

While out on a hunting expedition, a man is climbing over a fallen tree when his shotgun goes off, hitting him straight in the groin.
Rushed to hospital, he awakes from the anaesthetic to find the surgeon has done a marvellous job repairing the damage but looking at his member there still appear to be some holes. 
As he dresses to go home, the surgeon wanders over and explains that due to the amount of damage there needs to be 2 to 3 months of the flesh healing before he can complete the repairs, he then hands him a business card. ‘This is my brother's card. I'll make an appointment for you to see him.’
The guy is shocked. ‘But it says here that he’s a professional flute player,’ he says. ‘How can he help me?’ The doctor smiles. ‘Well,’ he says, ‘he’s going to show you where to put your fingers so you don't p**s in your eye.


----------



## selectortone




----------



## Wildman

Cabinetman said:


> Just because grannies are female and old (usually) doesn’t mean they don’t have a sense of humour. I suspect it’s more a variation between Britain and the good ol USA thing. Firsthand experience here – my Pam is American and care has to be used on the comedy front.
> I remember in the 70s, American tourists being shocked at adverts showing women in underwear on the subway walls in London.
> Your starter for 10 where is this from, " don’t look Ethel , but it was too late she's already been incensed."
> Edit, sorry I should’ve said, not everybody knows that Noel the site owner is American – that’s right isn’t it Noel?
> Double edit, sorry I got it wrong Noel isn’t the owner but the owner is American.


the streak


----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B




----------



## bushwhaker




----------



## MorrisWoodman12

Husband is walking along behind his wife and says “Your backside looks like an old washing machine”.
The wife remains silent.
Later on the husband is getting amorous.
His wife says “I’m not starting my washing machine for such a small load. You'll have to do it by hand.”


----------



## Wildman

lucgizi said:


> View attachment 110026


any work in progress vids, plans etc, ha ha


----------



## Wildman

Adam W. said:


> Sure, whatever you like, but I am allowed to point it out if I think its out of order.
> 
> And I will.


all jokes are out of order on some level time we gave up having a sense of humour.


----------



## Steve Beck

Wildman said:


> any work in progress vids, plans etc, ha ha


Great craftsmanship, keep up the good work


----------



## Blackswanwood

Just saw a bloke in Tesco buying 10 six packs of San Miguel, 20 paella ready meals, 10 boxes of tacos and 3 sombreros.

I thought here we go again … Hispanic buying …


----------



## bushwhaker

Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back.
I replied: "Hell, yes, who did you think it was!"


----------



## Jester129

Apt, given your name!


----------



## Wildman

stuart little said:


> She's 63, you numpties!


err 67


----------



## John Brown

Wildman said:


> err 67


She's probably closer to 80 by now.


----------



## Cozzer

In addition to my "_S'funny, the things that inspire songwriters to put pen to paper_" occasional series, I should also mention the great Willie Nelson.... It was after many years working at a garbage disposal facility that he wrote "Aint it funny how slime tips away...."


----------



## Cozzer

Even the Rogers and Hart songwriting team were adept at forming lyrics for vocalists based on earlier experience. 
The unforgettable Ella Fitzgerald, who'd been a milliner specialising in male headgear for a good few years, inspired the words 
"We'll have man hat on..."


----------



## mikej460

John Brown said:


> She's probably closer to 80 by now.


Well at this rate she will have a telegram from the queen tomorrow..


----------



## Cozzer

mikej460 said:


> Well at this rate she will have a telegram from the queen tomorrow..



Only if the delivery man's got any fuel...


----------



## Cozzer

A further, and far more recent example of "_S'funny, the things that inspire songwriters to put pen to paper_" would be R.Kelly and "I believe I can fly...."

Perhaps he wishes he had done....


----------



## Doug B

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Choose one, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN.. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN. A sexy babe catches your eye and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN.... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by.... The doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fibre today.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot. 

"OLD" IS WHEN.... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to wee


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Cozzer

The world in 2021.

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. 
Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. 
Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody`s job. 
Everybody thought Anybody could, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn`t do it. 
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.


----------



## Zedgeezer

Doug B said:


> "OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Choose one, I can't do both!"
> 
> "OLD" IS WHEN.. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
> 
> "OLD" IS WHEN. A sexy babe catches your eye and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
> 
> "OLD" IS WHEN.... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
> 
> "OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
> 
> "OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by.... The doctor instead of by the police.
> 
> "OLD" IS WHEN... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fibre today.
> 
> "OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
> 
> "OLD" IS WHEN.... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to wee


"OLD" IS WHEN.... you totally understand every comment above.


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Jester129

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is
assigned to helping the other monks in copying
the old canons and laws of the church, by hand.
*

He notices, however, that all of the monks are
copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question
this, pointing out that if someone made even a small
error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!
In fact, that error would be continued in all of
the subsequent copies.* 

*The head monk, says, "We have been copying
from the copies for centuries, but you make a
good point, my son."


He goes down into the dark caves
underneath the monastery where the original
manuscripts are held as archives,
in a locked vault that hasn't
been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot.* 
*So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

"We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the bloody R!"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old Abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies,

"The word was ...*


*CELEB**R**ATE!"*


----------



## dzj




----------



## nickds1




----------



## Cozzer

At last!
After all the weeks and months of searching, applying and being interviewed, I've managed to get a job!
Not _quite_ what I was after, granted...but it's a start.
Only temporary, for reasons which will become apparent - but hey! 
It's with a local toy manufacturer, specialising in plastic toys for Halloween.
I'm going to be employed making their "Dracula" models. 
I've been extremely lucky to get the job because it's only a 2-man production line, so I've got to make every second count...


----------



## Steve Beck

I'm from across the pond. Just want to say, Her Royal Majesty in one on my most revered person. She has see a lot that most all of us will never see in our lifetimes, I'm 75. She drove a truck, my dad who was in the UK during the war saw her do it! Cheers to Her Majesty


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Sandyn

I told my dad I couldn't believe I failed my biology exam! He said, "I'm your mum!!"


----------



## Hutzul

BREAKING NEWS.
Payback time, yay !!


----------



## Doug B

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for an answered prayer. Suzie stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I have some praise. Two months ago, my husband, Frank, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Frank must have experienced.
"Frank was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain."
We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Frank's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place with metal staples." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Frank.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "Thank the Lord, Frank is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Frank." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."


----------



## Doug B




----------



## dzj




----------



## stuart little

What's the Oxford comma, guys?


----------



## Daniel2

stuart little said:


> What's the Oxford comma, guys?



This


----------



## stuart little

Daniel2 said:


> This


Oh. Thanks Dan, I've always used it but never heard it so called.
Stuart


----------



## dzj

stuart little said:


> What's the Oxford comma, guys?


It's the comma before and. 
Best to look it up. There are many examples of amusing ambiguity with and without it.


----------



## stuart little

dzj said:


> It's the comma before and.
> Best to look it up. There are many examples of amusing ambiguity with and without it.


Thanks, NOW I see the Joke! It's an age thing!


----------



## Phil Pascoe

I'm glad someone can.

Ah, I see it. It's more to do ambiguity than an Oxford comma, though.


----------



## Garden Shed Projects

I find a Joke is a lot funnier when you have to Google an article to understand it…..


----------



## AES

"Eats shoots and leaves" (that's the title of the book, by, I think. Lynn Truss).

You can just sprinkle commas willy-nilly into the above title - which is after all, only four words - and come up with all sorts of ambiguities. Great fun


----------



## Turnr77

Eats shoots and leaves is the punchline to an old joke.


----------



## Cozzer

Further to the 'Oxford comma' business, there are many examples of how confusing grammar and punctuation can be.

"Oh, for God's sake!", he ejaculated.
as opposed to
"Oh, for God's sake!". He ejaculated.

Not forgetting the old chestnut regarding helping Uncle Jack off a horse....


----------



## Cozzer

AES said:


> "Eats shoots and leaves" (that's the title of the book, by, I think. Lynn Truss).
> 
> You can just sprinkle commas willy-nilly into the above title - which is after all, only four words - and come up with all sorts of ambiguities. Great fun



Worth £10 of anybody's money. 
(It's actually Lynn with an 'e', by the way...._


----------



## woodhutt

Turnr77 said:


> Eats shoots and leaves is the punchline to an old joke.


Should be "Eats roots, shoots and leaves."


----------



## AES

Cozzer said:


> Worth £10 of anybody's money.
> (It's actually Lynn with an 'e', by the way...._




Thank you. Haven't read for a long time and don't know exactly where it is off hand (it's actually a miracle that I remembered most of the lady's name)!


----------



## John Brown

woodhutt said:


> Should be "Eats roots, shoots and leaves."


Ah yes! The old wombat joke!


----------



## Cozzer

Turnr77 said:


> Eats shoots and leaves is the punchline to an old joke.



Hear about the psycho who escaped from the asylum, hid in a laundrette, sexually assaulted some customers and then legged it before the cops got there?
The headline in the newspaper read

*NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS*


----------



## paulrbarnard

Cozzer said:


> Further to the 'Oxford comma' business, there are many examples of how confusing grammar and punctuation can be.
> 
> "Oh, for God's sake!", he ejaculated.
> as opposed to
> "Oh, for God's sake!". He ejaculated.
> 
> Not forgetting the old chestnut regarding helping Uncle Jack off a horse....


Current usage has the punctuation inside the quotes
“oh, for God’s sake!,” he ejaculated. Or is that Chicago style guide?


----------



## Turnr77

woodhutt said:


> Should be "Eats roots, shoots and leaves."


Err, no not the one I heard, I always assumed that was maybe where the book title came from.


----------



## Turnr77

And there was no wombat, but a lady of the night


----------



## John Brown

The lady.of the night shouted "wombat" out of the window at the fleeing "customer" who had omitted to pay her for feeding and "servicing" him.


----------



## John Brown

John Brown said:


> The lady.of the night shouted "wombat" out of the window at the fleeing "customer" who had omitted to pay her for feeding and "servicing" him.


It only makes sense if you understand that, in Australia, the word "root" denotes sexual intercourse. Let's see what the filter makes of that.


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Phil Pascoe

Cozzer said:


> Worth £10 of anybody's money.
> (It's actually Lynn with an 'e', by the way...._


It does actually contain a few syntactical errors.


----------



## dzj




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Doug B




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Doug B




----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Cordy

A woman walks into a Newcastle hairdresser's and asks "Can I have a perm please?"

"Aye, nee problem pet" says the hairdresser. "Ah wandered lernley as a clood....."


----------



## Rustic Mike

Cordy said:


> A woman walks into a Newcastle hairdresser's and asks "Can I have a perm please?"
> 
> "Aye, nee problem pet" says the hairdresser. "Ah wandered lernley as a clood....."


I keep telling airport jokes the doctor said it was terminal.


----------



## Garden Shed Projects

Why can’t owls mate when it rains?


They would be too wet to woo!!


----------



## Turnr77

Two buckets of vomit are clonking along down a street, one suddenly realises the other isn't with him, he turns around to see his mate just stopped and sobbing.
" Are you OK?" he asks
"Yeah, give me a minute" comes the reply "it's just that I was brought up around here."


----------



## Sachakins

Garden Shed Projects said:


> Why can’t owls mate when it rains?
> They would be too wet to woo!!



PLEASE PLEASE GROAN EMOJI NEEDED


----------



## dzj




----------



## Turnr77

Readily available portable workbenches are here, single use only!


----------



## mikej460

Turnr77 said:


> Readily available portable workbenches are here, single use only!
> View attachment 119222


Is that just an extension to builders bum....


----------



## Sachakins

Turnr77 said:


> Readily available portable workbenches are here, single use only!
> View attachment 119222


So dangerous, that guy could cut his foot off....


----------



## mikej460

Just finished my first shift in Facebook's IT department. Went rather well I thought..........


----------



## Doug B




----------



## dzj




----------



## sometimewoodworker

Phil Pascoe said:


> No one plays underwater football? How do you know?


I agree, just ask the practitioners of extreme underwater ironing, they are crazy enough.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Cozzer

Two giants.
"Fee fie fo fum", said one.
_"Whoa!"_ said the other. _"How on earth do you know Chris Eubank's phone number?!"_


----------



## Cozzer

Pritt Stick.

Take cap off, and screw up bottom.


----------



## mikej460




----------



## Cozzer

My mother-in-law's had to be admitted to hospital this morning, because her face was all red and swollen.
She'd been wandering about the garden, and a bee had landed on her face. 
Luckily she wasn't stung, because of my lightning-quick action with a shovel.


----------



## sometimewoodworker




----------



## Doug B




----------



## bushwhaker




----------



## John Brown

bushwhaker said:


> View attachment 119376


What _*are*_ they doing?


----------



## Doug B




----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Doug B




----------



## stuart little

John Brown said:


> What _*are*_ they doing?


I'm wondering that.


----------



## dzj




----------



## Droogs

Prosenreisserbelohnungszeit


----------



## dzj

Ausgefliptspasmachermittresorkopfschmerz.


----------



## Phill05

AllyOpp'ssplat


----------



## Droogs

Gebetebeantwortetwerdenzeit


----------



## selectortone

Kaspermitfallendertresorgesplatterung


----------



## AES

The above 3 are just "silly", so I'm not joining in (and anyway, I'm not as clever as you lot at conjuring up bunkum Werman Gords)!

Gottverdeckel!


----------



## dzj




----------



## dzj

AES said:


> The above 3 are just "silly", so I'm not joining in (and anyway, I'm not as clever as you lot at conjuring up bunkum Werman Gords)!
> 
> Gottverdeckel!



Joking aside, turns out there is a German word for it!
“Pechvogel”, used to describe someone who is always plagued by bad luck.


----------



## AES

dzj said:


> Joking aside, turns there is a German word for it!
> “Pechvogel”, used to describe someone who is always plagued by bad luck.



Yup, more or less directly translates as "trouble bird". (Just in the unlikely event that anyone wants to know)!


----------



## dzj




----------



## Sandyn




----------



## Robbo3

Doctor Clarke always stopped at his local pub after work for a hazelnut daiquiri [a special drink the bartender created just for him].
One day, Dermot, the barman ran out of hazelnut flavour so he substituted hickory nuts instead.
Doctor Clarke took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, 'This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri. Dermot!'
'No, I'm sorry', replied Dermot, 'it's a hickory daiquiri, doc.'


----------



## stuckinthemud

Groan


----------



## Phil Pascoe

Sandyn said:


> View attachment 119588


It was the Royal Mail last time I saw it.


----------



## stuart little

dzj said:


> View attachment 119583


A pretty 'armless joke!


----------



## stuart little

Robbo3 said:


> Doctor Clarke always stopped at his local pub after work for a hazelnut daiquiri [a special drink the bartender created just for him].
> One day, Dermot, the barman ran out of hazelnut flavour so he substituted hickory nuts instead.
> Doctor Clarke took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, 'This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri. Dermot!'
> 'No, I'm sorry', replied Dermot, 'it's a hickory daiquiri, doc.'


 ?


----------



## Doug B

stuart little said:


> ?


Hickory dickory dock, though very tenuous


----------



## stuart little

Doug B said:


> Hickory dickory dock, though very tenuous


Thanks. Yes, very tenuos! I've not me brain[?] warmed up yet.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## stuart little

Doug B said:


> Hickory dickory dock, though very tenuous


I didn't know how 'daikiri' was prronounced, I was using the familiar Welsh 'Dai'! That's why the penny didna drop!


----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B




----------



## ColinH2O

KNOCK

WHO'S THERE ?

THE HERMES MAN

THE HERMES MAN WHO?

NEVER KNOCKS TWICE


----------



## Gareth62

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to shout at them. Some are over-sensitive and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.

My name is Tom. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my lady, Julie. When I took early retirement last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job for the extra income that we need.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I now usually get home from the pub about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she nearly always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't shout at her, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch at the pub so eating out again is out of the question; I'm ready for some home cooked food when I get home.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's usual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of ageing is complaining. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to do the shopping during her lunch hour. But we take them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then won't hurt her. I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She has to take a rest when she has only half finished mowing the lawn and several extra breaks when she's vacuuming through the house. It does annoy me, vacuuming when I'm trying to watch my favourite programme, but I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to make herself a nice cup of tea and just sit for a while, and as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing lady because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other, eh?

EDITOR'S NOTE:

Tom died suddenly last week. He was found with a 24-inch Stanley screwdriver rammed up his a*s* with only 2 inches showing.

His wife Julie was arrested, but the all-woman jury accepted her defence that he accidentally sat on it.


----------



## Steve Beck

Fantastic


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Cordy

Is it OK to dip bread into curry? ----- I am asking for my Naan


----------



## Northwest lad

Noel said:


> As mentioned here- Another Joke
> 
> Please ensure contributions do not contain risqué innuendo or images that might offend, remember and be aware that not everyone has the same sense of humour and a joke you may find funny, may cause insult or offence.
> Our members are from a varied demographic, age and gender, please keep that in mind.


I'm told every joke has to have a victim. That said, someone will always be offended.


----------



## dzj




----------



## Robbo3

Moon Mission

NASA is launching a rocket to the moon. On board there are two pigs and Kiki, a stunning blonde. When the rocket is outside the stratosphere, the first stage drops off.
Contact is made: "Houston here, Pig 1, Pig 1, do you read us? Over."
"Oink, oink, here Pig 1, read you loud and clear."
"Pig 1, do you still know your instructions?"
"Yes, when we get to the moon, I press the red button to initiate the moon landing. Over."
"That's right. Over and out."
They go on until the rocket separates its booster stage. "Hello, Pig 2? Come in please."
"Oink, oink, here Pig 2, read you loud and clear."
"OK, Pig 2 do you remember your instructions?"
"Yes, when we've landed on the moon and are ready to leave, I press on the green button to initiate the launch program."
"That's right, Pig 2. Over and out."
An hour later, when the rocket has achieved the correct speed the last stage drops off as planned. Ground control contacts the astronauts again.
"Houston here, Kiki, come in. Kiki do you read us?"
"Kiki here, reading you loud and clear."
"Kiki, do you remember your instructions?"
"Yes," Kiki says, "I feed the two pigs and keep my hands off any buttons."


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Simondo923

A chap rang my doorbell yesterday. He told me he was doing a collection for our local community to have a swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water !


----------



## dzj




----------



## Jameshow

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating, I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears. 'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car'
'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years'
'I remember that, too' she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have gotten out today."


----------



## gcusick

Heisenberg and Schroedinger we driving on the freeway when they get pulled over by the highway patrol. The cop comes around to the driver side and says to 
Heisenberg, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

And so Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was". The cop scratches his head, and says, "Pop the trunk, I want to take a look".

He walks back, looks in and then walks around to the right side and says to Schroedinger, "Do you know you have a dead cat in the trunk?" Schroedinger says, "I do now".


----------



## Cozzer

Did you know that more kids were named "Lucifer" than "Nigel" in 2020?

(Not actually a joke. 'Tis true, apparently!)


----------



## Cozzer

During a child birthing class at a local hospital, a nurse says, _“Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.”_

She turns to the men in the room and says _“Gentlemen, remember that you’re both in this together. It wouldn’t hurt for you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both.”_

The room becomes very quiet as the men absorb this information. 
After a few moments a man at the back of the room slowly raises his hand. _“Yes?”_ says the Nurse.

“I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk.”


----------



## PerryGunn




----------



## Linus

gcusick said:


> Heisenberg and Schroedinger we driving on the freeway when they get pulled over by the highway patrol. The cop comes around to the driver side and says to
> Heisenberg, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
> 
> And so Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was". The cop scratches his head, and says, "Pop the trunk, I want to take a look".
> 
> He walks back, looks in and then walks around to the right side and says to Schroedinger, "Do you know you have a dead cat in the trunk?" Schroedinger says, "I do now".


For those among us who struggled to understand this joke ( I didn't go to Uni unfortunately, and they never taught quantum physics in the Army either) the attached link will help enormously. 









The greatest joke in the world


And what it can teach you about quantum physics




csferrie.medium.com


----------



## Doug B




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Robbo3

Funeral

Judy got married and had 13 children. Her first husband Ted died of cancer.

She married again, and with Bob she had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident 12 years later.

Judy again remarried,.... and this time she and John had 5 more children. Judy finally died, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend Margaret: "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

Margaret replied:...."I think he means her legs, Ethel..."


----------



## Jester129




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Cozzer

I'm in trouble again with my wife.
She's just found out that I've sold the Dyson.
My argument was that it was just gathering dust...


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Doug B




----------



## dzj




----------



## Trainee neophyte




----------



## selectortone




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Robbo3

Courtesy of Robson Green on TV tonight :

There was a young lady from China
Who took a trip on a liner
She slipped on the deck
A twister her neck
So now she can see what's behind her.


----------



## WoodchipWilbur

Robbo3 said:


> Courtesy of Robson Green on TV tonight :
> 
> There was a young lady from China
> Who took a trip on a liner
> She slipped on the deck
> A twister her neck
> So now she can see what's behind her.


Can't help thinking that would be better if it scanned. Feels a bit like a a mortice and tenon as cut by some of the "Best Woodworker" contestants!


----------



## Cordy

Golden Oldie


A couple meets at a speed dating venue. 
The guy says, "how about we skip all the formalities and just get married".
She replied, "but we don't know each other" "No problem," he says, "we'll get to know each other over time"

She says "do you know what, I've got nothing to lose let's go for it" So they get married and jet off to the Caribbean for their honeymoon. On the first day, they are lounging by the pool when the guy suddenly gets up, walks to the deep end of the pool and climbs to the very highest diving board. He dives off, performs a triple somersault and enters the water like a knife.

"Wow," she says "that was some dive". "Yes," he says " I was an Olympic diver and have three gold medals. See, I told you we would get to know each other as we went along". With that, she gets up, dives into the pool and does fifty lengths, returns to the sun lounger and not even breathing heavily.

"Wow," he says, "were you an Olympic endurance swimmer". "No" she replied, "I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey"


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Junah

WoodchipWilbur said:


> Can't help thinking that would be better if it scanned. Feels a bit like a a mortice and tenon as cut by some of the "Best Woodworker" contestants!


There was a young man from Japan
Who's limericks never would scan
When his friends told him so
He said "Yes, I Know"
"But I always try to get as many words in the last line as I possibly can"


----------



## Droogs

surely the last line should therefore be
"But I endevour to always try to include the maximun number of words in the last line of the poems text that it is humanly feasible for me to include in order to make the rhyme scan that I can"


----------



## Trainee neophyte




----------



## Cozzer

The "set my heart on an apple crumble" cartoon reminded me of a day at work when we were teasing one of the older blokes about his "activities" with his wife when on holiday.
"I'd rather have a good meat and potato pie", he'd said in a matter-of-fact way, before adding "it'd probably last longer an' all..."


----------



## Jester129




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Droogs

what's with all the Man U jokes?


----------



## paulrbarnard

Droogs said:


> surely the last line should therefore be
> "But I endevour to always try to include the maximun number of words in the last line of the poems text that it is humanly feasible for me to include in order to make the rhyme scan that I can"


Was the last line a Haiku?


----------



## Droogs

No it's not but this is the best haiku I've ever written and it's in the style of Mcgonigal

_*Ode to the lemon in the Fridge*_

Ooooooh squishy yellow roondish fruit
You've gang mouldy
So I'll throw you oot

_
edit - typo_


----------



## selectortone

Droogs said:


> what's with all the Man U jokes?


Liverpool beat Man Utd 0-5 yesterday. Ole got some splainin' to do.


----------



## AES

Droogs said:


> what's with all the Man U jokes?



Oh, is that what they're about? Thanks mate.


----------



## AES

selectortone said:


> Liverpool beat Man Utd 0-5 yesterday. Ole got some splainin' to do.




Who's "Ole"? (AES, happy in his complete iggerance if it's to do with football).


----------



## Jameshow

AES said:


> Who's "Ole"? (AES, happy in his complete iggerance if it's to do with football).


Manager? 

Hence fergie in the stands ....!


----------



## Droogs

Jameshow said:


> Manager?
> 
> Hence fergie in the stands ....!



I say - She's gone downhill since the Black Eyed Peas


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Robbo3

If kingdoms are ruled by kings & empires by emperors, who runs countries, dictatorships & plutocracies?


----------



## stuart little

Blackswanwood said:


> View attachment 120396


Never heard of them!


----------



## stuart little

Jameshow said:


> Manager?
> 
> Hence fergie in the stands ....!


Didn't know she was a fan!


----------



## Cozzer

selectortone said:


> Liverpool beat Man Utd 0-5 yesterday. Ole got some splainin' to do.



Shouldn't that read "Liverpool beat Man Utd. 5-0 yesterday"?
Same, but different!


----------



## Titan_uk

Cozzer said:


> Shouldn't that read "Liverpool beat Man Utd. 5-0 yesterday"?
> Same, but different!



Football isn't lowest score wins?? Well, you live and learn. So I guess they copied the scoring system from real games like rugby to make it interesting.


----------



## selectortone

Cozzer said:


> Shouldn't that read "Liverpool beat Man Utd. 5-0 yesterday"?
> Same, but different!


Home team first. Man U were at home so 0-5.


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Bm101

Junah said:


> There was a young man from Japan
> Who's limericks never would scan
> When his friends told him so
> He said "Yes, I Know"
> "But I always try to get as many words in the last line as I possibly can"



FFS. If the joke thread has finally dropped beneath copy paste football memes to the ultra low of limericks and you can't beat 'em.
Join 'em.

I heard this in a gay pub at 3 am from a suspicious fat middle aged man dressed as as a baby. I'm not lying. They used to do lockins and it was generally a good crowd.
*'Generally'. *

There was a young Vampire called Mable,
With periods: remarkably stable,
So every Full Moon,
With the help of a spoon,
She'd drink herself under the table.


----------



## Robbo3

Two elderly ladies met for the first time since school.
One asked the other: “You were always so organized in school, did you manage to live a well-planned life?”
“Oh yes” said her friend. “My first marriage was to a millionaire, my second to an actor, my third to a preacher; and now I’m married to an undertaker.”
Her friend asked: “What do those marriages have to do with a well-planned life?”
“One for the money, two for the show. Three to get ready and four to go.”


----------



## Junah

Three dogs sat side by side at the vets, one in the middle says to the one on the left "what you here for?" 
"They've come to have me put down"
"NO! what for?"
"Well I'm 2 years old now and they still can't house train me, cocking my leg up and peeing on the furniture, crapping all over the Axminster, can't blame them really, can you"
The dog in the middle turns to the one on the right and says " He's here to be put down"
"Me too" says the other dog, "I keep chewing things, door frames, furniture, shoes anything really just can't help it"
so both condemned dogs say to the one in the middle "What you here for?"
He says "Well last night I was lying in my bed when I here a noise upstairs and so I go to investigate and I see it's my mistress getting out of the bath, she's bent over drying herself, and I can't help it but I'm overcome with lust so I jump up, grab her round the waist and do the business!"
The two other dogs look aghast and say " So are you here to be put down?"
He replies NO, I've come to have my nails clipped"


----------



## Cozzer

selectortone said:


> Home team first. Man U were at home so 0-5.



Correct - that's how it's shown in newspapers and in TV results tables, but you wouldn't say "Liverpool beat Man Utd nil-five!" to the bloke next to you in the pub, surely!


----------



## againstthegrain

A doctor says to his patient, ‘I have bad news and worse news’. ‘Oh dear, what’s the bad news?’ asks the patient. The doctor replies, ‘You only have 24 hours to live’. ‘That’s terrible’, said the patient. ‘How can the news possibly be worse?’ The doctor replies, ‘I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday’.


----------



## Fidget




----------



## stuart little

Fidget said:


> View attachment 120542


Me too!


----------



## selectortone

Cozzer said:


> Correct - that's how it's shown in newspapers and in TV results tables, but you wouldn't say "Liverpool beat Man Utd nil-five!" to the bloke next to you in the pub, surely!


No, I wouldn't.


----------



## flying haggis

Applied for a job the other day working in a chess piece making factory, the only downside was I had to do knights !!!


----------



## gwaithcoed

I worked full time in a domino factory We had half day off on blank one day and a full day for double blank day


----------



## dzj




----------



## stuart little

dzj said:


> View attachment 120573


That could be me!


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Cordy

I'm in love with two women.

One writes beautiful poetry -- the other makes great Yorkshire puddings.

Should I marry for batter or for verse?


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Cozzer

_"You look sad.... What's up? " _
"The wife is upset with me"
_"Again?! Why this time?" _
"Well, today I saw her bending over the freezer and I was suddenly overcome with passion! I couldn't control myself! You can guess the rest.... " 
_"No wonder she's upset with you!" _
"Yes, I know....and they're not happy in Tesco's either "


----------



## Cozzer

Remember "Stars In Their Eyes" on TV? 

A young man walks onto the stage on crutches, with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips.
Matthew Kelly introduces him as Simon.
_"It's very brave of you to come out here,"_ says Matthew. _"Please tell the audience what happened"..._
"Well," replies Simon, "about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free. The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn't save my legs"...
_"That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial"...?_ asks Matthew.
"No, Matthew...while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my uncle had in fact died, but they also said that his legs were fine and, with all the advances in medical science, they could graft the bottom half of his body onto mine. As you can see the operation was successful! I've been having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year...."
A huge round of applause erupts from the audience.
Kelly responds with, _"That's an unbelievable story. Truly inspirational! So tonight, who are you going to be?"_
"Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be Simon and half uncle"


----------



## dzj




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Garden Shed Projects




----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B

This should keep the kids away tomorrow


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B




----------



## stuart little

Uuh where did the 'joke thread' go?


----------



## Daniel2




----------



## Daniel2




----------



## MikeK

stuart little said:


> Uuh where did the 'joke thread' go?



I think I found it.

To those who were affected by the cleanup, please use the Off-Topic II forum for environmental discussions.


----------



## Linus

Thanks MikeK


----------



## John Brown

I agree, thanks. You missed a couple, though. The Greta and Arnie post, and the "Cut down all the trees" post.


----------



## AES

Well, FWIW, I too believe that this "joke thread" has become "not a joke"!! So in an attempt to significantly lower the whole tone here, I hereby offer this "shaggy dogger":

A handsome - and about to become - extremely wealthy young man (when his dowager Duchess granny finally kicks the bucket) was, yet again ushered "into the presence" to be told - not for the first time by any means - that his feckless ways were definitely NOT appreciated:

"I haven't got too long before I shuffle off this mortal coil, and you're my only living relative. You know I've left everything to you in my Will, but I'm thoroughly fed up with your turning up to all my Society balls with a different girl on your arm each time. You're nearly 40 now and if you haven't presented me with at least one grandchild from a legal marital union pretty soon then I'll be forced to disinherit you":

Realising his pleasurable time was now well and truly up, he proceeded to check his little black book to select the 3 most likely candidates for marriage, calling each one to him for a briefing:

"Look darling, grandmama has made it clear that I have to marry and produce an heir pretty soon. I think you may be THE one. So just as a final check on your suitability, here's 5,000 bucks to spend just as you like. Come back and see me when you've spent it all".

Girl No. 1 came back the next day, having had a full massage, a facial, all her nails done, a completely new hairdo, a ravishing newly-released perfume, and a wonderful off the shoulder backless ball gown.

"Look what I've done to myself darling", she said, "Just to show you how much I love you. Choose me please".

Girl No 2 came back after a month, together with a driver and a delivery man. "Look darling", she said, here's a beautiful vintage Rolls-Royce, AND a fantastic new all-singing, all-dancing 3D virtual reality Netflix viewer, and a life-time membership of THE most exclusive country club. All for you, and just to show me how much I love you. Choose me".

Girl No. 3 was silent for nearly 3 months, and our hero had almost given up on her when she re-appeared. "Dearest", she said "I took your money, found the most fabulously clever investment advisor. Following his advice I invested all your money and a month later it had doubled. Further following his advice, I re-invested the new sum and now, only 3 months later, it's worth ten times the original! All to show you how much I love you dearest. Choose me".

So which one did he choose?








XX the answer is really obvious:








XXX the one with the big **** of course !


----------



## AES

Oh, re my "funny" post above, it seems that the commonly-used word for mammerys has been been "XXXX'D". Pity.


----------



## Cordy

One day in kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, “I’ll give £2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived.”

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, “It was St. Patrick.”

The Teacher said, “Sorry Sean, that’s not correct.”

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, “It was St. Andrew.”
The teacher replied, “I’m sorry, Harry, that’s not right either.”

Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, “It was Jesus Christ.”
The teacher said, “That’s absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and I’ll give you the £2.”

As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, “You know Marvin, since you’re Jewish, I was very surprised you said, Jesus Christ.”

Marvin replied: “Yeah. In my heart, I knew it was Moses, but business is business!”


----------



## Phil Pascoe

John Brown said:


> I agree, thanks. You missed a couple, though. The Greta and Arnie post, and the "Cut down all the trees" post.


I wasn't aware that one was a joke.


----------



## John Brown

Phil Pascoe said:


> I wasn't aware that one was a joke.


Me neither. That's why I thought it should be removed.


----------



## Phil Pascoe

I suspect our reasons were polar opposites.


----------



## dzj




----------



## Garden Shed Projects

Phil Pascoe said:


> I wasn't aware that one was a joke.


It was meant to be a joke of sorts along the environmental theme. I always find jokes much better when you have to explain them


----------



## John Brown

Garden Shed Projects said:


> It was meant to be a joke of sorts along the environmental theme. I always find jokes much better when you have to explain them


Yeah but... Banknotes are plastic these days...


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Inspector

Does the wrench have temperature compensating jaws? If not it's of no use to me.

Pete


----------



## Cozzer

Pal of mine called round the other day...._"Fancy a ride on my new Kawasaki?"_
"Where we going?"
_"Where the wind takes us!"_
Turned out that we headed for the Welsh border, and then we had an idea...
_"Let's go to Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch!"_
"Brilliant idea! Let's go!"

We'd been on the road for a good couple of hours, were a bit peckish, so we stopped off for a spot of lunch.
_"Can you pronounce it?"_, asked my pal.
"Nope", I replied. "It's a right tongue-twister! I know - I'll ask the waitress....."
"Can you tell us - slowly, please! - exactly where we are?"
"Sure", she replied, 



"Burrrrrrrrrrrrr - gerrrrrrrrrrrr - king"


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Phil Pascoe

Surely you're not admitting to reading The Telegraph, are you?


----------



## flying haggis

Only the Matt cartoon. The only bit worth reading.

Anyway how do you know Matt is the Telegraph cartoonist...............


----------



## Sachakins

Being a special Christmas anniversary, a wife asked her husband what he would really like for Christmas, he replied, something that goes from 0 to 200 in under 5 secs..... She bought him a set of scales........


----------



## Flynnwood

Cotton Tampoons








Cotton Tampoons 🙈 | #shorts







www.youtube.com


----------



## dzj




----------



## Sandyn

Hamish and Maggie lived on a croft on the west coast of Scotland. Hamish was a bit deaf and Maggie had been suffering from some chest pains since loading the bales on to the trailer at the end of the harvest, but apart from that, they were pretty healthy. Maggie's chest pain had worsened, so they decided to make an appointment to see the Doctor. A couple of days later, they were in at the doctors. They explained about Maggie's chest pain. The doctor asked Hamish to sit in the waiting room while he listened to Maggie's heart. Five minutes later the doctor came into the waiting room, sat down beside Hamish and said "Hamish, I've something to tell you about Maggie. She has acute angina". Hamish jumped to his feet and shouted "WHAT!!!! I thought you were just going to listen to her heart!!!!"


----------



## Jameshow

i struggled but I finally managed it!!!


----------



## dzj




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Trainee neophyte




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Robbo3

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
'Hallo, Mr. Macron’' a heavily accented voice said.
'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'

'Well Paddy, Macron replied. How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, 
and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'

Macron paused.
'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begorra!' says Paddy.
'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again.
'Mr Macron, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Macron asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Macron sighs amused.'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day.
'Mr Macron, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne!
We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

Macron was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat.
'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites and since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'

Wow' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day.
'Top o' the mornin', Mr Macron
I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Macron. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'


----------



## dzj




----------



## Droogs

aint arthritis a bee-aaaatttccch, makes me want the zombie apocalypse to happen sooner rather than later, if you know what I mean. If it takes much longer I'm a dead 'un


----------



## Robbo3

Paddy and Mick are working at the local sawmill.
One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag 
and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.
Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick.. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".
Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.
A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.
So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital.
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".
And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.
Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.
Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."
Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."
"No", says the nurse, "Some silly person put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Turnr77

Just bought a new chainsaw, doesn't cut very well though, think it needs sharpening!


----------



## Droogs

Turnr77 said:


> Just bought a new chainsaw, doesn't cut very well though, think it needs sharpening!View attachment 121292


A a newbie mistake to vintage chainsaws. You've bought the the chain for cutting Chinesium, what you wanted was one of the below






Outdoor Chain Saw Portable Wire Saw Hand Saw Field Survival Line Saw Single Side Tooth Manual Pull Ring Chain Saw : Amazon.co.uk: Sports & Outdoors


Outdoor Chain Saw Portable Wire Saw Hand Saw Field Survival Line Saw Single Side Tooth Manual Pull Ring Chain Saw : Amazon.co.uk: Sports & Outdoors



www.amazon.co.uk





you attach that to the frame


----------



## mikej460




----------



## Jameshow




----------



## Robbo3

Chap rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!' 
'Don't be silly,' he says, 'You must have a vase somewhere!'


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Junah

Doug B said:


> View attachment 121215


The good news is the suppliers of the prosthetic replacements have them on 3 for the price of 2 at the moment.


----------



## gwaithcoed

And there's me thinking squirrels are smart


----------



## Ozi

gwaithcoed said:


> And there's me thinking squirrels are smart


That squirrel smarts


----------



## Droogs

Bet he *doesn*'t drink Carling black label


----------



## gregmcateer

Silly


----------



## Jameshow

Workzone 400w lathe.... Nuff said!!


----------



## Robbo3

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get into the 2012 London Olympic games but they haven't got tickets.
The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate.
"McTavish, Scotland ," he says, "Discus" and in he walks.
The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder.
"Waddington-Smythe, England " he says, "Pole vault" and in he walks.
The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm. 
"O'Malley, Ireland " he says, "Fencing."


----------



## AES

Oh HELL Robbo!!!


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Droogs

☝bang on


----------



## AES

I dunno though - I think BJ's "dress style" (and general turnout) is even more slovenly than Benny Hill. More like old man Steptoe methinks.


----------



## Noel

AES said:


> I dunno though - I think BJ's "dress style" (and general turnout) is even more slovenly than Benny Hill. More like old man Steptoe methinks.



Albert was a model of sartorial elegance, in comparison.


----------



## Just4Fun

Noel said:


> Albert was a model of sartorial elegance, in comparison.


Boris is more a model of sartorial incompetence.


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Cordy

A British soldier walked into a pub one night and took a seat near the bar. He was warned by others to quickly vacate that seat as it was the favourite of the local Karate champion, Igor.

Like a good Brit soldier, he ignored the warning. In came Igor and landed a blow on the neck of the squaddie knocking him out cold.

“When he comes to” said Igor, “tell him that was a number 83 Reverse Punch”

The following night the squaddie went back to the pub and found Igor already seated in his favourite seat.

The squaddie dealt him a blow, knocking him out cold. “When he comes around”
said the squaddie,

” tell him that was a 1967 Morris Oxford starting handle.”


----------



## Jester129




----------



## Jester129

Jacob! Get out of the car, NOW!!


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Phil Pascoe

Jester129 said:


> Jacob! Get out of the car, NOW!!
> 
> View attachment 121517


I actually knew someone who said exactly that. We went around a roundabout and my friend said You don't believe in signalling, then, Ivor? No. he said, it's f.a. to do with anyone else where I'm going.


----------



## stuart little

Q: How many holes in a US golf course?


A: Depends on how many 'go(l)phers' there are!


----------



## dzj




----------



## Southdownswolf

Doug B said:


> View attachment 121545



3rd row across, 3rd down, you missed a tick...


----------



## Doug B

Woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone." 

"No more headaches?" The husband asks, "What happened?" 

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked. The headaches are all gone." 

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it. 

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. 

His wife says, "Damn! That was wonderful!" 

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning. 

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, 

She's not my wife. 
She's not my wife. 
She's not my wife. 

His funeral service will be held on Saturday


----------



## dzj




----------



## Robbo3

Two navvies were working in the public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.
After a while, one amazed onlooker said: "Why do you dig a hole, only to have your mate follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick."


----------



## DavidRa

What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?

Capitalism is man taking from man whereas socialism is the opposite.


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Robbo3

Skinny little man goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little Irish man staring at him, he looks down and says: ‘7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20-inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.’
The little white man faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big guy says, ‘What’s wrong with you?’
In a weak voice the little guy says, ‘What EXACTLY did you say to me?’
The big dude says, ‘I saw your curious look and figured I’d just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me……
I’m 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20-inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.’
The little white man says: ‘Turner Brown?! …. Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, ‘Turn around'.


----------



## dzj

A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her
life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw
herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we
are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll
take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always
wanted to go to Australia, the woman accepted.> That night the sailor
brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment
in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three
sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two
weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine
inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He
brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia."
"I see," the captain says.
Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."


----------



## D_W

http://www.pmslweb.com/the-blog/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/5-ball-type-deodorant-cartoon.jpg


----------



## Phil Pascoe

D_W said:


> http://www.pmslweb.com/the-blog/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/5-ball-type-deodorant-cartoon.jpg


----------



## D_W

gahhh....the picture is just a cheap theft of a good skit!!


----------



## Robbo3

Alexa, find me a movie.
Siri: Who is Alexa?
Sorry, I meant Siri.
Siri: Who... Is... Alexa?
Please find me a movie?
Siri: Why don't you ask that b1tch Alexa to find you a movie?


----------



## Turnr77

The Pope wakes up one morning to find he has a severe case of morning wood, he tries to ignore it, gets out of bed, opens the curtains and gazes across the city, reads from the Bible, checks notes for the next sermon, but it just won't go away.

Having failed to subdue it he decides to he'll have to deal with it, drops his pyjama trousers sits on the edge of the bed and takes himself in hand so to speak, just as he finishes he looks up and sees a paparazzi photographer has climbed up onto his balcony and is snapping away through the window.

His Holiness rushes over having pulled up his trousers and flings open the balcony door
" Please you can't publish those pictures you'll ruin me and do irreparable harm to the church" he says.

"Sorry" replies the photographer "but these will make me a lot of cash"

"Look let me buy the memory card and destroy it" Asks the Pope

"Ahh sorry this camera doesn't use memory cards it has a large internal hard drive instead!"

The Pope replies "OK then let me buy the camera, I appeal to you on behalf of the whole Catholic faith, those pictures can not be published just name your price"

After some haggling a deal was done, the hard drive was wiped and the camera left on a table near the balcony door.

A couple of days later a workman came to deliver a new rug and sees the camera, "looks like you've been taking photos of the city your holiness, you must have some great shots from here"

"I'm sorry, what do you mean?" says the Pope

"Well your camera's here by the balcony door, so I thought you'd been taking photos"

"Uhhh, yes, yes that's right I was taking photos" is the reply

The workman says, "that's an impressive looking camera, if you don't mind me asking how much did that cost?"

"50,000 Euros" says the pope

"Bl**dy Hell, 50,000 Euros? The guy who sold you that must have seen you coming!"


----------



## Turnr77

A class from a school for blind children has taken them on a coach trip to the seaside chaperoned by two male teachers. As they get fairly close to being back at the school one teacher turns to the other
"Hey, we left earlier than we thought we would, there's been no traffic hold ups so at this rate were going to be back at the school before the kids' parents even arrive to collect them. There's a good pub I know coming up soon, how about we stop for a couple of pints?"

His colleague replies "It would be great, but what about the kids, they wouldn't know the layout and most pubs wouldn't let 20 kids in the bar anyway."

"No, It'll be fine there's a big fenced lawn area outside, we can set them up in there with their football with the bell inside, and some cans of coke and crisps, they'll have great fun kicking the ball about."

So they stop at the pub, set the kids up in the fenced area with their ball and snacks and head inside with the coach driver.

They're halfway through their pints when the landlord comes in from collecting glasses outside and approaches the table
"Here, are you in charge of those blind kids outside?" he asks. They confirm they are.
"Well" says the landlord "you'd better go and sort them out, they're kicking the f*ck out of the Morris Dancers!"


----------



## Cordy

For those who may have forgotten the "true" origin of Daylight Savings Time

It was a post-World War Two "plot" between the Prime Ministers of France and Germany

who, together, had De Gaulle to Adenauer.....


----------



## Sandyn

I was in Morrison's today and watched a guy buy all the mussels, crabs and lobsters.  I thought 'You shelfish Bas**rd'.


----------



## paulrbarnard

I went out for a walk today and I saw a farmer. I know he was a really good farmer because he was out standing in his field.


----------



## Kittyhawk

paulrbarnard said:


> I went out for a walk today and I saw a farmer. I know he was a really good farmer because he was out standing in his field.


Now that's funny. And clever,


----------



## Phil Pascoe

Used to be a scarecrow.


----------



## Turnr77

A chap enters a pub and asks the landlord "I really need a pint but I'm skint at the moment, any chance of one now and I'll pay next time I come in?"

The landlord replies " sorry no money, no drink and I've never seen you before so don't know that you'd come back."

"Well how about if I show you something amazing you've never seen before, could I get a pint then?" the chap replies.

The landlord says "OK if it's really amazing,1 free pint"

The chap reaches into his coat pocket and takes out a tiny piano and stool places them on the bar, reaches into his pocket again and takes out a hamster and places it beside the piano. The hamster stands up on it's back legs bows to the landlord walks over and sits on the piano stool and proceeds to play a note perfect rendition of Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.

The landlord is astounded as are the other customers in the pub who have gathered around to watch, the chap gets his pint and the landlord opens a packet of peanuts for the hamster, the chap drinks it down. "how about another pint?" he asks.

"Sorry" says the landlord" the deal was one pint"

"How about I show you something even more amazing?" the chap asks.

"OK" is the reply "lets see it"

The chap reaches into his other pocket and takes out a frog and places it on the bar, the landlord and customers eagerly crane forward to see what happens.

The frog suddenly starts to speak "good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, thank you for coming to see me perform"
He then gives a flawless reading of Wordsworth's I wandered Lonely As A Cloud, followed by a selection of speeches from Shakesspear's plays, he then looks around at the hamster sat at the piano, the hamster nods puts down the peanut he was nibbling and starts to play the National Anthem which the frog then recites perfectly. There is rapturous applause from the room and the chap gets his pint.

As he drinks a guy pushes through the crowd and says how amazing the performance was especially the frog, "you could make a fortune with these two especially the frog, I mean the hamsters fantastic but I suppose another could be trained to play piano, but a talking frog.........."

"I'm not really interested in putting them on show to the masses" the chap replies.

"Well would you consider selling them to me?" asks the guy.

"Hmmm" replies the first chap, "I couldn't sell the hamster I've had him ages he's more like a friend to me but maybe the frog.

"Looks" says the guy "I was just on the way to put a deposit down on a car I want to buy so I've got £2000 in cash here I'll give you for the frog."

"OK then" says the chap he gestures at the frog who is sat with his eyes closed and the hamster who's head is resting on the piano as he snores gently "just so you're aware as you can see performing really takes it out of them, It'll be couple of days before Froggy can speak again."

The guy says that's fine, hands over the cash, scoops up the frog and hurries out of the pub.

The landlord is amazed at this "you must be mad, just £2000 for a talking frog, you could probably have gotten 50 times that for him!"

The chap replies "nah, don't worry the hamsters a ventriloquist too and I've got a pond full of frogs!"


----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B




----------



## dzj




----------



## Phil Pascoe

Worked for Beethoven.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## treeturner123

Doug B said:


> View attachment 122116



True Story. 
My family and I were driving along the road near Skibbereen in County Cork when I said to my wife 'there's a car following us, has been for a while'. Never mind she says, pull in at the next pub, I need the loo anyway. Duly did this, the car pulled up next to us and a man got out and came round to my window!!!

Nervously, I let it down a little and this is what he said (in an Irish Accent):-

'Can you help, I've a car like this and there's a light on on the dash board. Do you know what it means? Its a red light' and, with the window lowered a bit more, he pointed to where it was.

So I told him, it meant that one of his doors or boot wasn't properly closed.

'Oh' says he 'It's been puzzling me for some time now, I'll try to get it fixed' and with a 'Thank You' off he went!!

Phil


----------



## Jameshow

When we were first married 20 yrs ago my father in law came to visit, I introduced him to our Irish neighbour as my father in law to which he replied I can see the family likeness!!! 

Nice guy had a workshop out back should have popped round more often! Gave me a bosch planer and circ saw.


----------



## Lard




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## kwigly

Chaim Goldfarb joins a very exclusive nudist colony....

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and Chaim immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'
He replies, ‘No, what do you mean?’
She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Quite content Chaim continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts... Within moments, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.
‘No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.
‘You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.
Chaim yells back, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.'
‘But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'
Chaim replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day.

--


----------



## Alli

What’s the difference between a cabinet maker, a carpenter and a chippy?

a cabinetmaker works to the nearest thousands of an inch, a carpenter works to the nearest mm and a chippy works to the nearest house!


----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Doug B




----------



## the great waldo

Tramp walks over to a paint shop opposite his park bench. He walks up to the counter and asks the assistant if he can have a bottle of methylated spirits. The assistant says "I know you, your'e one the alcoholics from the park opposite, i'm not selling it to you to drink" The tramp says to him "Youv'e got it wrong, i've turned over a new leaf and i've got a job as a painter and need the spirits to clean my brushes" The assisatant replies "well that's great news. in that case i'll gladly let you have a bottle" He slides the bottle over the counter to to the tramp, who picks it up and hesitates " you haven't got a cold one by any chance"!!!!
Cheers
Andrew


----------



## selectortone




----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B




----------



## bushwhaker

A man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.

'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'

The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'

This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'

'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.

'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, "No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes".


----------



## Doug B




----------



## dzj




----------



## Jameshow

dzj said:


> View attachment 122349


??????


----------



## Linus

Jameshow said:


> ??????


Did you never tread on Lego bricks in the dark?


----------



## Jameshow

Linus said:


> Did you never tread on Lego bricks in the dark?


Is see! Ouch!!


----------



## mikej460

The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song but the Chick Peas can only humus one..


----------



## dzj




----------



## Robbo3

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, Looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is 
broken, His face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little dung, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, He must have had something in his hand." 
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, Didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of Beauty it was, but useless in a fight."


----------



## Cordy

The Squirrel and the Grasshopper by Aesop

THE WORLD VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well-fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

THE END

THE BRITISH VERSION:

Removed after complaint from Keith Cocker


----------



## Keith Cocker

Cordy said:


> The Squirrel and the Grasshopper by Aesop
> 
> THE WORLD VERSION:
> 
> The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well-fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
> 
> THE END
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> THE END



Not funny - in fact very distasteful.


----------



## Cabinetman

Thanks Keith, by clicking on that it enabled me to see what had been censored. 
What is distasteful is censorship, and just how true to life that story is in the Uk now


----------



## Keith Cocker

Cabinetman said:


> Thanks Keith, by clicking on that it enabled me to see what had been censored.
> What is distasteful is censorship, and just how true to life that story is in the Uk now


Thanks for pointing that out. It's gone now.


----------



## Phil Pascoe

In fairness I'll remove that post.


----------



## Turnr77

Personally I find Keith's surname extremely offensive  It should be non gender specific, I suggest it's changed to Genitaler


----------



## Myfordman

Lets hope this is not the start of a second round of neutered jokes reduced to the level that could not offend some of the lightweights here or even amuse anyone over the age of 8


----------



## MikeK

Phil Pascoe said:


> Thanks to the mod who removed it for at least saying who complained so we can all avoid offending him in future.
> How pathetic.


Cordy's post was not modified by a Moderator, nor would we have modified it. Cordy edited his own post.


----------



## Keith Cocker

MikeK said:


> Cordy's post was not modified by a Moderator, nor would we have modified it. Cordy edited his own post.



Thanks Mike and just for further clarification I did NOT complain. I simply made the comment on the thread that all can see.


----------



## Keith Cocker

Turnr77 said:


> Personally I find Keith's surname extremely offensive  It should be non gender specific, I suggest it's changed to Genitaler



Oh dear! And I thought I had got away from the puerile name jokes when I left Primary School.


----------



## Bod

Why did the chicken cross the road?





We'll never know, thanks to the No. 39 bus.

Bod


----------



## Cabinetman

OK, fair enough,


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Cozzer

A Yorkshireman walks into a vets.

“Eyup, can tha tek a look at me cat - it’s not bin itssen lately”
“Okay” says the vet, “but first things first - is it a tom?”
”Nah” he replies, “I’ve got it ‘ere wi me…”


----------



## Cozzer

Alternative Dictionary Definitions, anyone?
(aka Uxbridge Dictionary)

A few to start you off...

Prostitute : a woman that it's a business to do pleasure with.
Tyrant : getting irate about neckwear.
Code : what you say you have when a certain virus prevents you from speaking properly.
Eve : the first woman just after dusk.
Pullet : instruction on how to open the door of a chicken house.
Mango : a laxative fruit, only for males.
Saturate : Passing water, but only at week ends.
Tactics : small, hard mint sweets favoured by David Beckham.
Tic Tacs : a style of football favoured by David Beckham.
Pot Noodle : Contrary to rumour, not poodle.
Wye-eye, man : A wireless broadband engineer in the north-east of England who hadn't read his manual properly.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## dzj




----------



## Cozzer

A few more Uxbridge jobs... 

Gastronomy : the art of cooking amongst the stars
Spectator : a pair of glasses made out of potatoes
Mosquito : an insect that lives in Islamic temples
Trike : three lesbians
Cutlery : a bit like a cutler
Agoraphobia : fear of the Taj Mahal.
Denial : A river flowing from Burundi to Egypt
Hobnob : A cooking accident.


----------



## Kittyhawk

Just one more...
Prostitute : a Merchant Bonker


----------



## TRITON

Keith Cocker said:


> Oh dear! And I thought I had got away from the puerile name jokes when I left Primary School.


Are you new to the interweb ?


----------



## Robbo3

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there isn’t a pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro — what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.


----------



## Jameshow

I've got a single garage workshop, will this fit!!! 









Altendorf Panel Saw | eBay


Altendorf Panel saw, good working order.



www.ebay.co.uk


----------



## Droogs

Jameshow said:


> I've got a single garage workshop, will this fit!!!
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Altendorf Panel Saw | eBay
> 
> 
> Altendorf Panel saw, good working order.
> 
> 
> 
> www.ebay.co.uk


yes it will 

joking aside that is a fantastic find.


----------



## stuart little

Robbo3 said:


> When chemists die, they barium.
> 
> Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
> 
> I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
> 
> How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
> 
> I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
> 
> This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
> 
> I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
> 
> I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
> 
> They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.
> 
> PMS jokes aren't funny; period.
> 
> Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
> 
> We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there isn’t a pop quiz.
> 
> I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
> 
> Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
> 
> When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
> 
> Broken pencils are pointless.
> 
> I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
> 
> What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
> 
> England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
> 
> I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
> 
> I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
> 
> All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
> 
> I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
> 
> Velcro — what a rip off!
> 
> A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy
> 
> Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
> 
> The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.
> 
> Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.



What do you call a fish with bad breath?


Halibut-tosis.


----------



## Sachakins

Jameshow said:


> I've got a single garage workshop, will this fit!!!
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Altendorf Panel Saw | eBay
> 
> 
> Altendorf Panel saw, good working order.
> 
> 
> 
> www.ebay.co.uk


No at first, but I'd find a way to make it fit pronto...


----------



## Cozzer

More from Uxbridge...


Dandelion : a fashionable & sophisticated lion. 
Vulcanised rubber : method of birth control favoured by the crew of the starship Enterprise, as recommended by their first officer. 
Avant-garde : Someone who protects a town in Hampshire. 
Pie-eyed : one of Pukka's least successful pies. 
Lymph : Walk with a lisp.
Circumvent : Opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
Rectitude : Formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
Pokemon : A rastafarian proctologist.


----------



## Robbo3

ASSICONS

(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_*_) an ass hole
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_E=mc2_) a smart ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass


----------



## Cozzer

Creek : a ripe-smelling narrow waterway.
Creek : a ripe-smelling TV magician/detective.
Creak : a rickety, arthritic, mispelt TV magician/detective.
Internet : Cruel sea bird trapping system.
Arsenic : Should've stuck with the wax method rather than use the razor.
Soporific : A really scary slice of bread dipped in gravy.
Dyslexia : Not dat lexia.
Chicane : a piece of bondage paraphernalia.
Distillery - What Mr Trump did to Mrs Clinton.


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## dzj

Vittorio's secret.


----------



## AES

(Above): Doesn't look like a secret to me (assuming that I've recognised Vittorio correctly - 2nd from L. Little bloke too!).

In the same vein as some previous posts (and with thanks to the still much-lamented Humph & co):

Testiculate - violently waving yer arms about while spouting a load of balls

Masticulate - self-pleasuring while simultaneously chewing gum

Diode - deathbed poem

Why don't they eat french fries in Wiltshire?
Because they have no Devizes for Chippenham


----------



## Droogs

Addams Family Lurch GIF - Addams Family Lurch Ugh - Discover & Share GIFs


Click to view the GIF




tenor.com


----------



## dzj

AES said:


> (Above): Doesn't look like a secret to me (assuming that I've recognised Vittorio correctly - 2nd from L. Little bloke too!).


It's post WWI. Maybe a prosthetic device?


----------



## Inspector

AES said:


> (Above): Doesn't look like a secret to me (assuming that I've recognised Vittorio correctly - 2nd from L. Little bloke too!).



It doesn't dawn on you guys that it's a play on Victoria's Secret, the Americal woman's lingerie company? Scantily clad underwear models and the picture above. 

Pete


----------



## AES

YES Pete, I for one - and I guess everyone else - DID get it! It was just that "Vittoria" appears to be a little more well-endowed - OK a LOT more - than yer average Victoria's Secret model. Or have I missed something in their recent ads? 

signed: "Fully dawned" (of Tunbridge Wells)!

(And you most probably get Tunbridge Wells or Humph either mate - guessing)


----------



## Inspector

Oops. Got it wrong once more.
Nope don't get the Tunbridge Wells or Humph references either but I live a sheltered life.  

Pete


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## AES

Inspector said:


> Oops. Got it wrong once more.
> Nope don't get the Tunbridge Wells or Humph references either but I live a sheltered life.
> 
> Pete



No, you don't lead a sheltered life mate, you just live in the wrong place to be able to "get the indirects":

1. Back in "the good old days", if someone/thing upset the pre-conceived ideas and sensibilities of - typically - some retired Army Major - he'd write a letter of complaint to the newspapers, usually "The Times" or perhaps "The Daily Telegraph". Invariably, such letters would be signed "Disgusted (or something similar) of Tunbridge Wells". Tunbridge Wells is a just a fairly non-descript and innocuous typical English country market town in SE England. No idea why it was always "Disgusted - or similar - of Tunbridge Wells" 'cos I don't think that that town has/had more than it's fair share of retired Army majors (or other pompous retirees) than anywhere else. But that's the town that "always" seemed to be featured. Same with people hearing the first cuckoo of spring and "reporting" it in "The Times" readers letters column.

2. "Humph" refers to one Humphrey Littleton, a now sadly deceased and rather good Dixieland jazzband brass player (trombone I seem to recall). He also became the "host" of a BBC radio show (NOT TV, please note) which sarcastically mimicked/satirised the popular radio and TV quiz shows of the time. It was called "I'm Sorry I haven't a Clue" and featured Humph chairing a panel of 2 teams of 2 comedians. I was all apparently off the cuff, but was actually pretty closely scripted beforehand. It was filled with all sorts of nonsense "games" where each of the pair of comedians had to outpoint the other, and often featured many many howling puns, a lot of which were full of sexual innuendo, especially those given to Humph. Games ("rounds") included such gems as "The Uxbridge English Dictionary" (featured several times recently in this Jokes thread); "Mornington Crescent" (a game without any published rules where the contestants challenged each other on obscure points of said rules, all apparently "based" on the London Underground rail map); and "One Song to the tune of another" (self-explanatory), amongst several others.
OK, you had/have to be of a certain frame of mind/outlook to appreciate all this "junk", but if you fit the bill, this show was half an hour of pure groans and "laughing yer silly 'ead orf".

Like I said mate, you just live in the wrong place to appreciate these gems. Don't worry about it "We all have our crosses to bear".


----------



## John Brown

Trumpet, I believe.


----------



## AES

I stand corrected, thanks


----------



## John Brown

Humph was also a cartoonist, and presented a jazz program on the radio for many years.
His 'Bad Penny Blues' is often cited as the inspiration for 'Lady Madonna' by The Beatles.


----------



## AES

Didn't know either of those things either, thanks. But I did listen to his programme and DO know "Bad Penny Blues". If we're continuing off topic for a mo, I'd like to hear "Bad Penny Blues" played by Tuba Skinny (if not familiar, search YouTube - well worth it IMO). Brilliant for a bunch of not more than middle-aged (some a bit younger I guess) US "amateurs".


----------



## Stigmorgan




----------



## Cozzer

Inspector said:


> Oops. Got it wrong once more.
> Nope don't get the Tunbridge Wells or Humph references either but I live a sheltered life.
> 
> Pete




Here you go.. further your education....





24 minutes of filth : Video 2021 : Chortle : The UK Comedy Guide


24 minutes of filth - Humphrey Lyttelton’s Lionel Blair jokes – as written by Iain Pattinson




www.chortle.co.uk


----------



## Cabinetman

Just think how much more they would sell if they gave the husband a comfy chair and a cold beer whilst he waited !
Sad, Iain Pattinson died a few months ago, his obituary in the telegraph was full of the double entendres he wrote for Humph, so very dry witted and clever. Ian


----------



## Phil Pascoe

They asked for a double entendre so he gave them one?


----------



## Inspector

Cozzer said:


> Here you go.. further your education....
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 24 minutes of filth : Video 2021 : Chortle : The UK Comedy Guide
> 
> 
> 24 minutes of filth - Humphrey Lyttelton’s Lionel Blair jokes – as written by Iain Pattinson
> 
> 
> 
> 
> www.chortle.co.uk



Thanks. Here I thought my education was complete having watched Benny Hill, On the Busses, The Two Ronnies, Fawlty Towers, and Monty Python's Flying Circus. I won't mention what Diana Rigg on the Avengers did for me as a lustful boy as that was no joke.  

Pete


----------



## mikej460

Inspector said:


> Thanks. Here I thought my education was complete having watched Benny Hill, On the Busses, The Two Ronnies, Fawlty Towers, and Monty Python's Flying Circus. I won't mention what Diana Rigg on the Avengers did for me as a lustful boy as that was no joke.
> 
> Pete


Pretty much the same as Felicity Kendall did for me in The Good Life


----------



## Phil Pascoe

As Valerie Leon did in .......... well, anything. And Cleo Rocos in the Kenny Everett Television Show.


----------



## Droogs

Phil Pascoe said:


> As Valerie Leon did in .......... well, anything. And Cleo Rocos in the Kenny Everett Television Show.


so so glad you didn't type cleo laine


----------



## Robbo3

AES said:


> (And you most probably get Tunbridge Wells or Humph either mate - guessing)



Not forgetting the man on the Clapham omnibus.



Inspector said:


> Here I thought my education was complete having watched Benny Hill, On the Busses, The Two Ronnies, Fawlty Towers, and Monty Python's Flying Circus.



Lots more homework needed. A few to start you off.
Beyond our Ken
Round the Horne
The Navy Lark
The Clitheroe Kid
Hancock's Half Hour
Men From the Ministry
Floggits
Stop Messin' About
Yes Minister
Doctor at Large
Steptoe & Son

& some older ones,

Life With The Lyons
Educating Archie
The Glumms
Whacko
Its That Man Again
Much Binding In The Marsh
Parsly Sidings
Will Hay Programme
The Goon Show
Spike Milligan - Hitler, My Part In His Downfall
Spike Milligan - Mussolini, His Part In My Downfall
Al Reed
Bentine
Ted Ray


----------



## Phil Pascoe

Much as I liked Milligan I never found the Goons remotely funny.


----------



## Daniel2

Apparently Spike Milligan's gravestone is inscribed with the words,
"I told you I was ill".


----------



## John Brown

Phil Pascoe said:


> Much as I liked Milligan I never found the Goons remotely funny.


I agree. Peter Sellers was also very funny, IMO, but The Goons didn't even make me smile.


----------



## Frank House

Cabinetman said:


> Just think how much more they would sell if they gave the husband a comfy chair and a cold beer whilst he waited !
> Sad, Iain Pattinson died a few months ago, his obituary in the telegraph was full of the double entendres he wrote for Humph, so very dry witted and clever. Ian


I used to stop at a very pleasant tourist trap on the east side of the A9 somewhere between Perth and Inverness (locals will know the one).

Next to the restaurant there was a lounge with an open fire, comfortable but elderly-looking armchairs and sofas, plenty of 'country' mags. on a table. It was obviously intended (and used) as a place for ladies to park their husbands while they spent an hour or so touring the shopping areas. Always struck me as excellent marketing.

It is still there, and has become very popular. I hope it hasn't changed too much.

Frank


----------



## Vann

Phil Pascoe said:


> Much as I liked Milligan I never found the Goons remotely funny.





John Brown said:


> I agree. Peter Sellers was also very funny, IMO, but The Goons didn't even make me smile.


You two are just boring old farts . I liked the _Goon Show_ - but for me _I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again_ was the ultimate radio comedy.

And I have to say, Felicity Kendal did it for me too.

Cheers, Vann.


----------



## flying haggis

+1 for ISIRTA. (and felicity kendal!)

for isirta fans or would be fans try here








Im Sorry Ill Read That Again | Comedy | Old Time Radio Downloads


Classic Radio Comedy (1964 - 72)Billed as 'a radio custard pie' this show ran for 8 years and starred Greame Garden, Tim Brooke-Taylor, Bill Oddie, John 'Otto' Cleese, Jo Kendall and David Hatch (who ...




www.oldtimeradiodownloads.com


----------



## Cozzer

Phil Pascoe said:


> As Valerie Leon did in .......... well, anything. And Cleo Rocos in the Kenny Everett Television Show.




Not to mention Linda Lusardi in her heyday.
Or now, actually.
On a scale of one to ten, I'd give her one even today.


----------



## Daniel2

Cozzer said:


> Not to mention Linda Lusardi in her heyday.
> Or now, actually.
> On a scale of one to ten, I'd give her one even today.



You'd only give her a one ?


----------



## Cozzer

Actually, talking of ISIHAC and the like, I really did enjoy the puns, spoonerisms and not-so-hidden double meanings. I suppose it was part of "growing up"....
That said, I have an confession to make.
Out and about in my teens and early twenties, my old dad used to say "Be good. And if you can't be good, be careful".
I must've heard that hundreds of times, and every time my reply would've been "OK. I will... 'Bye"
(To give you a timescale here, my dad died in 1985)

Move forward to (maybe) only 10 years ago, and I mentioned these events to my wife of 37 years.
She stared at me.
_"You do know what he meant, don't you...?"_

In all those years, it had never dawned on me....

Sorry, Dad!


----------



## Cozzer

Daniel2 said:


> You'd only give her a one ?



Ah.
"And some fell on stony ground...."


----------



## Daniel2

Cozzer said:


> Ah.
> "And some fell on stony ground...."



Not at all.
I was playing on your phraseology.


----------



## stuart little

AES said:


> (Above): Doesn't look like a secret to me (assuming that I've recognised Vittorio correctly - 2nd from L. Little bloke too!).
> 
> In the same vein as some previous posts (and with thanks to the still much-lamented Humph & co):
> 
> Testiculate - violently waving yer arms about while spouting a load of balls
> 
> Masticulate - self-pleasuring while simultaneously chewing gum
> 
> Diode - deathbed poem
> 
> Why don't they eat french fries in Wiltshire?
> Because they have no Devizes for Chippenham


Decorum - what they do to de apples before cooking 'em.


----------



## Droogs

Looking at that list reminded me of how much I used to roll around the floor watching those old films that Will Hay did during "the war". A much underated comedian, such a shame he died so soon after. What a team he and Norman Wisdom would have been on TV


----------



## Phil Pascoe

Albania would have loved them.


----------



## Droogs

⁉


----------



## flying haggis

they love norman wisdom to bits in albania. he was an honorary citizen of tirana.


----------



## Droogs

TY


----------



## AES

Oh YES! All 4 of those ladies. And don't forget Joanna Lumley, AND Fanella Fielding (cant't beat a "posh bint).


----------



## Tris

Cozzer said:


> Out and about in my teens and early twenties, my old dad used to say "Be good. And if you can't be good, be careful".



Could be worse, the line I always got was 'Have fun, and if you're not in bed by 10, come home'


----------



## Cozzer

Daniel2 said:


> Not at all.
> I was playing on your phraseology.




But I didn't write "give her a one"!
I wrote "give....." Oh, never mind!


----------



## Cozzer

flying haggis said:


> they love norman wisdom to bits in albania. he was an honorary citizen of tirana.




...and I read somewhere that one of his films in particular is shown on TV every Christmas Day or New Year's Day.





Poor s0ds.


----------



## niemeyjt

Anyone remember Harry Worth - and repeating his trick on the corner of a shop window?


----------



## flying haggis

Yes


----------



## AES

+ another here.


----------



## Turnr77

This last crop of jokes are rubbish


----------



## Garden Shed Projects

What’s red and invisible?





No tomatoes. 

Now that’s a rubbish joke. 

I told it to my wife, who is Ukrainian, when we were dating and she just looked at me confused. “No tomatoes? I don’t understand “. We finally settled on “absence of tomatoes “ so she knew what I meant. It still remains shorthand for a rubbish joke for us after nearly 2 decades of marriage. She obviously didn’t marry me for my sense of humour.


----------



## Cozzer

Turnr77 said:


> This last crop of jokes are rubbish




Sits back, grabs popcorn, and waits for the side-splitter from Turnr77....


----------



## Cozzer

niemeyjt said:


> Anyone remember Harry Worth - and repeating his trick on the corner of a shop window?



"Repeat" is indeed the word.
If I remember correctly, the shop window corner appeared in the show's opening credits?
Amusing the first time, but after that....?
I once drove a minibus with 10 passengers from Gatwick Airport to the north of Yorkshire. One of the passengers could imitate a (then new) trim phone ring - it was uncannily true to life. He'd "answer" it with the expression "Hello! Malcolm speaking...."

By the time we reached Watford gap, I and the rest of the passengers could've cheerfully murdered him.


----------



## Cozzer

Didgeridoo : The waste products of the lesser spotted Didgeri
Awkward : Room in hospital for awks
Revelation : Extreme happiness felt by clerical gentlemen.
Decibel : Ten ringtones on your mobile
Porcine : a badly lit instruction for pigs to follow
Statue : a question to ascertain the presence of another person
Confirm : to embezzle money out of a business
Trex : a form of lard that fancies itself as a rock group


----------



## Daniel2

.


----------



## Turnr77

Cozzer said:


> Sits back, grabs popcorn, and waits for the side-splitter from Turnr77....


 
I was referring to the recent list of women various people fancied, not exactly jokes, 
look back and you'll find quite a few jokes I have posted, I'll post more as I remember them, if not too risque


----------



## Turnr77

Let's try this one,

A police officer is on patrol in the City centre in the early hours of the morning and hears a noise from an alley he's passing.

He flicks on his torch and walks down the alley, he finds two men, one bent over with his trousers and underwear around his ankles and the other has inserted two fingers where the sun doesn't shine.

"And just what the hell do you think you two are doing in a public place?" asks the copper.

"It's OK offisher" slurs the inebriated finger inserter, "my mates had far too much too drink, hic, so I'm jush making him throw up so he's shober enuff to walk home!"

"You must think I was born yesterday,sticking two fingers up his jacksie is hardly going to make him sick is it" Replies the officer.

"AHHH" says the fingering drunk " but when I takes em out and shoves em down is froat it will!"


----------



## Turnr77

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do... Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside from heat stroke!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion.

The Lone Ranger got the horse water and Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver waving your blanket and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe." and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do. What's wrong with him this time?"

The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, "Nothing, but do you know you left your Injun runnin'."








 Top


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## OCtoolguy

AES said:


> Didn't know either of those things either, thanks. But I did listen to his programme and DO know "Bad Penny Blues". If we're continuing off topic for a mo, I'd like to hear "Bad Penny Blues" played by Tuba Skinny (if not familiar, search YouTube - well worth it IMO). Brilliant for a bunch of not more than middle-aged (some a bit younger I guess) US "amateurs".


I'm new here and I wanted to say a big thank you for putting me onto this group Tuba Skinny. I've been sitting here for an hour wading through all their videos on Youtube. Fantastic group.


----------



## J-G

Daniel2 said:


> Apparently Spike Milligan's gravestone is inscribed with the words,
> "I told you I was ill".


The authorities wouldn't allow it in English so it's in Gaelic.


----------



## nickds1

It's on a Gaelic cross - it's in the cemetery at Winchelsea - my brother used to have the Arts & Crafts house just opposite.

Allegedly, Milligan wanted to be buried in a washing machine as he said he'd spent so much time on the outside of one looking in, he always wondered what it was like from the inside...


----------



## WaggaSteve

Frank House said:


> I used to stop at a very pleasant tourist trap on the east side of the A9 somewhere between Perth and Inverness (locals will know the one).
> 
> Next to the restaurant there was a lounge with an open fire, comfortable but elderly-looking armchairs and sofas, plenty of 'country' mags. on a table. It was obviously intended (and used) as a place for ladies to park their husbands while they spent an hour or so touring the shopping areas. Always struck me as excellent marketing.
> 
> It is still there, and has become very popular. I hope it hasn't changed too much.
> 
> Frank


I did a pub crawl of the UK a few years ago in my campervan and was stunned that the Irish didnt run the world, having seen their combined pub and hardware shops. Apparently to get around the times in the licensing laws, they combined both into what must be a perfect place for a man to idle away a few hours whilst wife was shopping. Steve DummyfromDownUnder


----------



## stuart little

niemeyjt said:


> Anyone remember Harry Worth - and repeating his trick on the corner of a shop window?


I still do that when the opportunity arises -


----------



## stuart little

Alexandra Bastedo ;[ RIP] The Champions


----------



## Noel

WaggaSteve said:


> I did a pub crawl of the UK a few years ago in my campervan and was stunned that the Irish didnt run the world, having seen their combined pub and hardware shops. Apparently to get around the times in the licensing laws, they combined both into what must be a perfect place for a man to idle away a few hours whilst wife was shopping. Steve DummyfromDownUnder



Hi Steve, pubs combined with hardware/grocers/undertakers etc started when the temperance movement in Ireland became more influential and forced many pub owners to seek other ways of making a living as pub sales fell.
The licensing aspect was indeed an issue (UK laws) just prior to WW1 and partition.


----------



## stuart little

Freddy Frinton - Dinner for One, apparently it's televised every New Year in Austria/Germany


----------



## Hutzul

OCtoolguy said:


> I'm new here and I wanted to say a big thank you for putting me onto this group Tuba Skinny. I've been sitting here for an hour wading through all their videos on Youtube. Fantastic group.



Great find! Thanks for putting them on my radar .


----------



## J-G

stuart little said:


> Freddy Frinton - Dinner for One, apparently it's televised every New Year in Austria/Germany


A non-smoker who was also tee-total - simply brilliant. Well worth seeking out even if you've seen it a dozen or more times before!


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## AES

stuart little said:


> Freddy Frinton - Dinner for One, apparently it's televised every New Year in Austria/Germany




AND in Switzerland too! Would you believe, until I came here I'd NEVER seen/heard of it?

It has it funny bits, but I have to say that after the first 10 or so viewings (it's shown here EVERY year, without fail!) for me anyway it wears a bit thin. But they seem to lap it up here - year after year after year.


----------



## Trainee neophyte

AES said:


> AND in Switzerland too! Would you believe, until I came here I'd NEVER seen/heard of it?
> 
> It has it funny bits, but I have to say that after the first 10 or so viewings (it's shown here EVERY year, without fail!) for me anyway it wears a bit thin. But they seem to lap it up here - year after year after year.


You have to watch it with Germans, otherwise it loses its appeal. All Germans know it off by heart, can quote it along with the actors (and usually do), and laugh at every joke just before it happens - it's a riot. The audience are far more fun than the actual sketch. I strongly recommend watching it with a roomful of people whose idea of the pinnacle of great humour is Mr Bean. The Swiss probably have too much foreign influence to have a properly tutonic sense of humour.

Here it is for those who haven't yet had the pleasure:


----------



## MikeK

Trainee neophyte said:


> You have to watch it with Germans, otherwise it loses its appeal. All Germans know it off by heart, can quote it along with the actors (and usually do), and laugh at every joke just before it happens - it's a riot. The audience are far more fun than the actual sketch. I strongly recommend watching it with a roomful of people whose idea of the pinnacle of great humour is Mr Bean. The Swiss probably have too much foreign influence to have a properly tutonic sense of humour.



This show is one of the reasons we stopped visiting our German friends for the New Year holidays and stay home. The show was mildly entertaining the first hundred times, but by the second day I couldn't bear to watch it again.


----------



## AES

Trainee neophyte said:


> You have to watch it with Germans, otherwise it loses its appeal. All Germans know it off by heart, can quote it along with the actors (and usually do), and laugh at every joke just before it happens - it's a riot. The audience are far more fun than the actual sketch. I strongly recommend watching it with a roomful of people whose idea of the pinnacle of great humour is Mr Bean. The Swiss probably have too much foreign influence to have a properly tutonic sense of humour.
> 
> Here it is for those who haven't yet had the pleasure:





I can assure you that the Swiss (on the German side of "the Roesti Graben" anyway) have more than enough "Teutonics" to go around! I also do NOT watch it any more, like MikeK. The first time I saw it my (Swiss) wife was astounded that I'd never seen/heard of it before. She still watches it every year. I hide!


----------



## Doug B




----------



## dzj




----------



## niemeyjt

AES said:


> I can assure you that the Swiss (on the German side of "the Roesti Graben" anyway) have more than enough "Teutonics" to go around! I also do NOT watch it any more, like MikeK. The first time I saw it my (Swiss) wife was astounded that I'd never seen/heard of it before. She still watches it every year. I hide!


Oh what we miss on the "other side" of the rösti graben!


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## GregW

Blackswanwood said:


> View attachment 123028


----------



## Keith Cocker

GregW said:


> View attachment 123060



Nah. These are the lying bastuds


----------



## Doug B




----------



## John Brown




----------



## Morty

Keith Cocker said:


> Nah. These are the lying bastuds


Just as many behind the camera


----------



## Vann

GregW said:


> View attachment 123060


I'd have thought Fox News would have had top billing.

Cheers, Vann.


----------



## stuart little

Keith Cocker said:


> Nah. These are the lying bastuds


'Pokies' in the peach dress!


----------



## Cabinetman

There was a very rude but also very funny joke on here in the early hours of this morning which I commented on, it’s all gone. Just to let you know that we are being censored in case you weren’t aware . And as far as I could see it shouldn’t have upset any particular group except the very squeamish and one unfortunate hamster. Ian


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## dzj

Cabinetman said:


> There was a very rude but also very funny joke on here in the early hours of this morning which I commented on, it’s all gone. Just to let you know that we are being censored in case you weren’t aware . And as far as I could see it shouldn’t have upset any particular group except the very squeamish and one unfortunate hamster. Ian


Oh tempora, oh mores!


----------



## dzj




----------



## flying haggis

Ladder - from garage. Dummy - left over from bonfire night. Fairy lights - £12. 





Freaking out the neighbours - Priceless!


----------



## Robbo3

Sign in a scottish golf club toilets

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT
2. FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
3. FORM A LOOSE GRIP
4. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

WELL DONE.. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL,
GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF


----------



## JSW




----------



## Cozzer

And having dropped down to the blow job level, it reminded me of this one.
Again, apologies if already featured, but there's nothing quite like a bit of toilet humour*






* You may have to explain it to the Germans and Swiss contingent.


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Droogs

Or
the new National Geographic documentary
How the Ancient Eurythmics built the tempo


----------



## Doug B




----------



## dzj




----------



## flying haggis

Cozzer said:


> And having dropped down to the blow job level, it reminded me of this one.
> Again, apologies if already featured, but there's nothing quite like a bit of toilet humour*
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> * You may have to explain it to the Germans and Swiss contingent.



could be worse


----------



## Cozzer

_Regurgitated old joke coming up...._


Historians in Ireland have discovered what they believe to be, the headstone of the oldest ever living man.

He was 193 and his name was Miles from Dublin.


----------



## Lard

Sorry, couldn’t resist….


----------



## gregmcateer

I'm too stupid to understand that, Lard. Sorry


----------



## MorrisWoodman12

Much too subtle for me as well.


----------



## Droogs

@GregM read the aldi bandsaw thread


----------



## Daniel2

It's flown right over my head.


----------



## Droogs

XDP are the delivery company who have trashed all the machines they are delivering for aldi atm. So they are a joke

edit typo


----------



## Daniel2

Droogs said:


> XDP are the delivery componay who have trashed all the machines they are delivering for aldi atm. So they are a joke



Thank you @Droogs


----------



## AES

Daniel2 said:


> Thank you @Droogs




And from me too Droogs. Also completely over my head (glad I wasn't the only one).


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Doug B




----------



## dzj




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Cordy

Since everyone started washing their hands -

- the peanuts at the bar have lost their flavour


----------



## MikeK

Please pay attention to Rule 1 of the Global Forum Rules:

*(1.) No posting of "adult" material!*
UKW wants this to be a forum that all your family can enjoy. When posting a message please remember to keep it clean - Profanity and the posting of offensive or “adult” material is forbidden.
In the same vein, the use or attempted use of Member names containing wording considered inappropriate, that would otherwise be sanctioned by the forum software will result in the account being de-activated.

I removed several posts that contained banned words as part of the image or language as part of the video. If you can't find a version of the image that doesn't have the F-bomb, then don't post.


----------



## dzj

MikeK said:


> Please pay attention to Rule 1 of the Global Forum Rules:
> 
> *(1.) No posting of "adult" material!*
> UKW wants this to be a forum that all your family can enjoy. When posting a message please remember to keep it clean - Profanity and the posting of offensive or “adult” material is forbidden.
> In the same vein, the use or attempted use of Member names containing wording considered inappropriate, that would otherwise be sanctioned by the forum software will result in the account being de-activated.
> 
> I removed several posts that contained banned words as part of the image or language as part of the video. If you can't find a version of the image that doesn't have the F-bomb, then don't post.


Sorry about that. Won't happen again.


----------



## JSW

dzj said:


> Sorry about that. Won't happen again.



Yeah think I crossed the boundary line also, sorry @MikeK


----------



## Cozzer

And me.
Apologies.
(It was funny, though!)


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Robbo3

Signs & Announcements 1

At a Santa Fe gas station:
We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.

In a New York restaurant:
Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.

On the wall of a Baltimore estate:
Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners:
38 years on the same spot.

In a Los Angeles dance hall:
Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.

In a Florida maternity ward:
No children allowed.

In a New York drugstore:
We dispense with accuracy.

In the offices of a loan company:
Ask about our plans for owning your home.

In a New York medical building:
Mental Health Prevention Center

On a New York convalescent home:
For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.

On a Maine shop:
Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.

On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards:
Now available in multi-packs.

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store:
Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.

In a funeral parlor:
Ask about our layaway plan.

In a clothing store:
Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store:
15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!

On a shopping mall marquee:
Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced.

Outside a country shop:
We buy junk and sell antiques.

In the window of an Oregon store:
Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?

In a Maine restaurant:
Open 7 days a week and weekends.

On a radiator repair garage:
Best place to take a leak.

In the vestry of a New England church:
Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.

In a Pennsylvania cemetery:
Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.

On a roller coaster:
Watch your head.

On the grounds of a public school:
No trespassing without permission.

On a Tennessee highway:
When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.

Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash:
If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car.

And apparently, somewhere in England in an open field otherwise untouched by human presence, there is a sign that says
"Do not throw stones at this sign."


----------



## Thingybob

Daniel2 said:


> Not at all.
> I was playing on your phraseology.


Please dont play on other peoples musical instruments its not nice


----------



## dzj




----------



## Steve Beck

flying haggis said:


> View attachment 123547


I have already eaten all the leftover Thanksgiving goods and now an working on the second shelf of advent goodies.


----------



## treeturner123

Steve Beck said:


> I have already eaten all the leftover Thanksgiving goods and now an working on the second shelf of advent goodies.



Don't worry, it'll soon be time for Cream Eggs!!

Phil


----------



## Cozzer

Talking of Christmas parties - "Oh, no there wasn't! Oh yes there was!" - I've just been invited to this year's RNLI bash at their HQ.
The last one I went to was absolutely fantastic.
They certainly know how to push the boat out...


----------



## Cozzer

"I am one of the three wise men", announced little Harry at the school nativity play, "and I have travelled many miles to be here. I have brought you a gift."
Harry proudly lifted what appeared to be a book wrapped in gold foil.
"Gold. I have brought you gold"
Little Johnny then took centre stage, wiping his nose on his sleeve, and taking his cue from one of the teachers, stage left.
"And I have brung.....I 'ave bru......"
_"Brought, Johnny. It's brought"_ whispered the teacher.
"I 'ave brought you mur....mhuhrm.....uhm...."
_"Myrrh, John. Like murder, but without the end...."_ he was prompted.
"MUR!" shouted the boy.
A slight pause followed whilst Mary picked up the doll Jesus who had face-planted next to the cardboard crib. Joseph had been cradling it, but then he'd developed an itchy bottom which just had to be scratched, leading to Jesus slipping out of the chequered tea towel and gravity taking over... 
The audience giggled, as parent audiences do when watching their child make complete fools of themselves.
Up stepped Jamie, who'd had his duck well and truly knocked off when he'd been relegated to Wise Man #3 instead of the main role of Joseph.
He'd seethed and moaned, grumbled and frowned, and been quite obnoxious since the decision. It was time to make his mark.
"And Frank", he announced loudily, "Frank's sent this...."


----------



## flying haggis

treeturner123 said:


> Don't worry, it'll soon be time for Cream Eggs!!
> 
> Phil


they are in the shops now.............................


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Trainee neophyte




----------



## mikej460

Your browser is not able to display this video.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## stuart little

flying haggis said:


> they are in the shops now.............................


When shopping this time of year in Mr. Sainsbury's shop, I liked to ask where the Easter eggz were!


----------



## Doug B




----------



## dzj




----------



## Cozzer

Saw an advert yesterday, a top of the range B&O radio - for only a quid!
One pound!
I rechecked all the info, and yes - it was the very top model! Fantastic bargain!
It was listed under the 'repair needed' section, though - apparently the volume control is stuck at number 10.
I just couldn't turn it down.....


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Phil Pascoe

Blackswanwood said:


> View attachment 123752


Reminded me how brilliant Little Britain was. it wouldn't even be made now.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## stuart little

dzj said:


> View attachment 123740


----------



## dzj

stuart little said:


>


John Cage has a composition titled 4′33″ (of silence).
The carolers in the picture aren't caroling...
(It wasn't that funny to begin with.  )


----------



## stuart little

dzj said:


> John Cage has a composition titled 4′33″ (of silence).
> The carolers in the picture aren't caroling...
> (It wasn't that funny to begin with.  )


Thanks:- you're right there, well almost, in my opinion not funny atall  . Probably as I've never heard of J.Cage. LOL


----------



## shed9

dzj said:


> John Cage has a composition titled 4′33″ (of silence).
> The carolers in the picture aren't caroling...
> (It wasn't that funny to begin with.  )


I appreciated it.......


----------



## stuart little

Two Black Country fellows meet in pub, one asks, "Where yow bin?"
Other replys; "Oi bin down the cut."
"Yow been down the cut - what yow been doing?"
"Oi bin feeshing"
"Yow bin feeshing - what yow caught?"
"Oi caught a whale".
"Yow caugh'a whale?- What yow do with it?"
"Oi throwed it back."
"Why'd yow do that?"

"'Cos it 'ad too many spokes."


----------



## AES

dzj said:


> John Cage has a composition titled 4′33″ (of silence).
> The carolers in the picture aren't caroling...
> (It wasn't that funny to begin with.  )



And like just about all jokes that have to be explained, IMO it certainly ain't funny now!


----------



## stuart little

AES said:


> And like just about all jokes that have to be explained, IMO it certainly ain't funny now!


I've just seen a Swiss Naval flag on a model ship site!


----------



## J-G

What is noteworthy about that? 

Switzerland has the largest Navy of any land-locked country.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## dzj




----------



## Cabinetman

Can’t quite read the note at the bottom, starts with Warning and ends with leave the building immediately! 
Only earthquake I have experienced, I had got myself outside the back door before I had even woken up!
It sounded as if a train was crashing into the house, the noise was incredible. Ian


----------



## AES

The "eyes" in his picture Cabinetman are those "eyes" you can buy in craft shops for toy making etc. They consist of a clear plastic outer bubble/dome with the black "pupils" free to wobble about inside the outer bubble. When the child moves the toy (or when the earthquake shakes the building) the black pupils go wobble wobble inside.


----------



## AES

J-G said:


> What is noteworthy about that?
> 
> Switzerland has the largest Navy of any land-locked country.




The Swiss "Navy" has all sorts of powered boats, barges, etc, for getting around on and across the lakes here, some of which, whilst not exactly of Great Lakes size, are certainly pretty big (miles long & wide). The Swiss "Air Force" operates, among other types, the fairly current F18 fighter/ground attack aircraft. (BTW, the reason for the quote marks around "Navy" and "Air Force" above is that officially speaking, there is no Air Force or Navy, they all belong to the Swiss Army).

The (unfortunately) small picture I've used as my header pic is of a Swiss F18 being moved across a lake on a powered barge. Seen big enough it looks like a mini aircraft carrier. I didn't take the picture, but thought it was a vaguely amusing picture to use here.


----------



## Cabinetman

AES said:


> The "eyes" in his picture Cabinetman are those "eyes" you can buy in craft shops for toy making etc. They consist of a clear plastic outer bubble/dome with the black "pupils" free to wobble about inside the outer bubble. When the child moves the toy (or when the earthquake shakes the building) the black pupils go wobble wobble inside.


Yeah I’d got that lol, just couldn’t read all the bit at the bottom.


----------



## kinverkid




----------



## kinverkid




----------



## AES

Cabinetman said:


> Yeah I’d got that lol, just couldn’t read all the bit at the bottom.




No neither could I mate. I guess that it says "If you can't read this, get out of the building".


----------



## Doug B




----------



## niemeyjt

AES said:


> The Swiss "Air Force" operates, among other types, the fairly current F18 fighter/ground attack aircraft. (BTW, the reason for the quote marks around "Navy" and "Air Force" above is that officially speaking, there is no Air Force of Navy, they all belong to the Swiss Army).



It also only used to operate 8am to 6pm - until a hijacked plane had to be escorted outside "working hours" by the French. Now I think they have a 24 hour "Air Force".


----------



## AES

Not quite true mate. They now only work outside normal working hours "sometimes"! Rest of the time, just as you say, the French (or the Germans, and sometimes even the Austrians) do it for them! True!

Compares VERY unfavourably with the 1960's when I worked on an RAF fighter squadron. Then at least 2 aircraft from one of the 6 (or 8? I forget) RAF fighter squadrons were standing QRA 24/7/365. A practice which I understand continues to this day (though not with EE Lightnings)!


----------



## Cozzer

Meanwhile, back in Uxbridge....

Philistine : what you say to a German barman while pointing at your friend.


----------



## Droogs

dzj said:


> View attachment 123851


When we did the North coast 500 we noticed that someone had put a googley eye on every deer sign on the route. could not stop laughing as we come across each one


----------



## stuart little

Doug B said:


> View attachment 123846


----------



## stuart little

kinverkid said:


> View attachment 123859


"OH NO it's not!


----------



## Doug B

stuart little said:


>











Rocky road (ice cream) - Wikipedia







en.wikipedia.org


----------



## stuart little

Thanks, I've never heard of it as it's obviously American, & I don't eat ice cream.


----------



## Phil Pascoe

It's quite common in this Country.


----------



## Phill05

stuart think yourself lucky or you would have been as big as Phill


----------



## stuart little

Phill05 said:


> stuart think yourself lucky or you would have been as big as Phill


Not knowing the size of Phil, but at a guess I could be!


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Cozzer

Punctuation.
Grammar.
They're important.

For example, take the phrase "What a talent Claudia Winkleman is!"

Ordered and punctuated correctly, this should read
"What? Claudia Winkleman is a talent?"


----------



## stuart little

Who's Claudia Winkleman?


----------



## John Brown

Wasn't she in "Happy days"?


----------



## stuart little

John Brown said:


> Wasn't she in "Happy days"?


Naw, that was 'Enry!


----------



## niemeyjt

Cozzer said:


> Punctuation.
> Grammar.
> They're important.
> 
> For example, take the phrase "What a talent Claudia Winkleman is!"
> 
> Ordered and punctuated correctly, this should read
> "What? Claudia Winkleman is a talent?"



Someone else who turns off the radio when she comes on. Awful presenter.


----------



## MorrisWoodman12

niemeyjt said:


> Someone else who turns off the radio when she comes on. Awful presenter.


Doesn't that mean Claudia Winkleman turns off the radio when she hears herself on the radio?


----------



## Jameshow

niemeyjt said:


> Someone else who turns off the radio when she comes on. Awful presenter.


Along with Sue Perkins, Mel giedroyc and Claire Balding.....


----------



## TRITON




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Sandyn

When I was a boy scout, I learned a lot about Indian cooking.

I have the bhajis to prove it!!


----------



## sploo

Blackswanwood said:


> View attachment 124029


My language was fairly colourful when he dropped the car. That said, I could easily end up going off topic; so I'll finish with a terrible joke... Michael Masi


----------



## stuart little

sploo said:


> My language was fairly colourful when he dropped the car. That said, I could easily end up going off topic; so I'll finish with a terrible joke... Michael Masi


----------



## sploo

stuart little said:


>


Formula 1. Relatively straightforward race (and therefore championship) win for Hamilton complicated by a crash by a "nobody" pay driver (Latifi), leading to a safety car (just one of those things; no one's fault), but then completely screwed up by the race director (Masi); who's managed to upset just about everyone over the course of the season with some really inconsistent decision making.


----------



## stuart little

Blackswanwood said:


> View attachment 124029





sploo said:


> Formula 1. Relatively straightforward race (and therefore championship) win for Hamilton complicated by a crash by a "nobody" pay driver (Latifi), leading to a safety car (just one of those things; no one's fault), but then completely screwed up by the race director (Masi); who's managed to upset just about everyone over the course of the season with some really inconsistent decision making.


That's why I lost interest after the 'Schumi era': too much BS in F1. BUT, good on you ,Verstappen!


----------



## Cozzer

Jameshow said:


> Along with Sue Perkins, Mel giedroyc and Claire Balding.....



...not to mention Nagger Machete....


----------



## stuart little

Hey guys & gals, a pallet of Easter eggs has been seen at a local store!


----------



## Droogs

stuart little said:


> Hey guys & gals, a pallet of Easter eggs has been seen at a local store!


That's just the pre-brexit delivery catching up


----------



## Phill05

Cozzer said:


> ...not to mention Nagger Machete....



So why did you, I find her the most irrigating to listen too give me Sally any day.


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## dzj




----------



## Jameshow

Phill05 said:


> So why did you, I find her the most irrigating to listen too give me Sally any day.


Or the Welsh lass on the one show..


----------



## Phil Pascoe

Not sure I find her irrigating, though.


----------



## Phill05

I should have gone to Specsavers


----------



## Jameshow

Phill05 said:


> So why did you, I find her the most irrigating to listen too give me Sally any day.


Irritating??


----------



## Ozi

Phil Pascoe said:


> Not sure I find her irrigating, though.


I assumed she bored you to tears


----------



## Daniel2

I think the Joke Thread has lost it's way....


----------



## mikej460




----------



## flying haggis

But do they work on "Rainy days and Mondays".....


----------



## Sachakins

Daniel2 said:


> I think the Joke Thread has lost it's way....


Yes, time for a fresh thread, another another joke thread!


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Jameshow




----------



## Doug B




----------



## stuart little

Perhaps Michael Masi's job description should be changed to :- 'F1 Race Choreographer'. He's probably hoping for an Emmy or Oscar!


----------



## nickds1

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck." "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck. "And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman. "I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly, sorry about that," Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer." The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call." So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money." "I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck. "Where is it?" "At the circus," Says the barman. "The circus?" Repeats the duck. "That's right," Replies the barman. "The circus?" The duck asks again. “With the big tent?" "Yeah," the barman replies. "With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck. "Of course," the barman replies. "And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck. "That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says "What on earth would they want with a plasterer?


----------



## Phil Pascoe

The old ones are the best!


----------



## Noel

stuart little said:


> Perhaps Michael Masi's job description should be changed to :- 'F1 Race Choreographer'. He's probably hoping for an Emmy or Oscar!



Best man won.


----------



## Garden Shed Projects

Noel said:


> Best man won.



You may well be right but because of the call made by race control we will never really know. All the pressure both drivers were under it was race control who bottled it in the end. No matter what should happen from here there will always be doubt.


----------



## J-G

Noel said:


> Best man won.


It's a good job that this is a JOKE thread!!


----------



## Doug71

While on the subject this always makes me smile


----------



## Daniel2

There are a lot of us who don't follow the formula 1, so these "jokes" mean
absolutely nothing.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Jameshow

Daniel2 said:


> There are a lot of us who don't follow the formula 1, so these "jokes" mean
> absolutely nothing.


I don't think they are actually jokes.....!


----------



## Trainee neophyte




----------



## Linus

And for something a little more seasonal!


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Keefy.

Daniel2 said:


> There are a lot of us who don't follow the formula 1, so these "jokes" mean
> absolutely nothing.


After the chaos last Sunday I don't think I'll be following it either!


----------



## Doug B




----------



## stuart little

Keefy. said:


> After the chaos last Sunday I don't think I'll be following it either!


Same when the 'Prancing Horse' gang made Barrichello 'yield' to Schumi!


----------



## stuart little

A horse walks into a bar & orders a drink. Barman asks - "Why the long face?"


----------



## stuart little

A woman, with a duck under her arm. enters a bar & orders a drink; barman says - "What are you doing with that pig?"
Woman says - "It's not a pig, it's a duck".
"Shut up you, I'm talking to the duck!" replies barman.


----------



## Jameshow

Doug B said:


> View attachment 124223


When dreams turn to nightmares ....!


----------



## sammy.se




----------



## dzj




----------



## Droogs

@sammy.se Funny you put that up, when I was a sprog my platoon sergeant answered an advert in the local paper for a car for sale. It was a DB5 going for £5K (this was at xmas/new year 87/88) we were on duty crew, basically manning the office phone while everyone was on block leave. At first he thought it was a printing error but no after a quick chat on the phone the lady said it was genuine. We went round to have a look and when we got there, there was a police chief inspector there along with the woman. We were a bit sus but she said he was here brother or cousin or something and was there to act as the witness for the sale if my Sgt decided to buy the car. Turns out she had bought it for her husband as an anniversary present but was now selling it as she had found out he was cheating on her with his secretary call Paul. So my Sgt bought the car and kept it for a year and then sold it for a big profit.


----------



## Cozzer

I've just overheard a conversation between a woman and a teenager, with the woman trying to persuade the youngster to get vaccinated.
"It doesn't hurt!", she said, "and they only use a hypodeemic nurdle".
It was only the second use of the phrase when I realised why it hadn't sounded quite right the first time!


----------



## Linus

Oh yes. Hell hath no fury like a woman's corns.



sammy.se said:


> View attachment 124237


----------



## Phil Pascoe

Droogs said:


> @sammy.se Funny you put that up, when I was a sprog my platoon sergeant answered an advert in the local paper for a car for sale. It was a DB5 going for £5K ...



Many moons ago my sister's boyfriend's brother did the same with a nearly new Rover. He used to get up early to go shooting and on a Thursday scan the small ads in the local weekly before he went. The woman's husband had told her to sell the car and send him the money so he got it for about a quarter of what it should have been.


----------



## Cordy

If you could sacrifice one country to save the rest of the world, which would you choose ? and why France ?


----------



## Keith Cocker

Cordy said:


> If you could sacrifice one country to save the rest of the world, which would you choose ? and why France ?


I’d sacrifice England and move to France. Much better food.


----------



## Daniel2

Keith Cocker said:


> I’d sacrifice England and move to France. Much better food.



And lifestyle


----------



## bushwhaker

I was standing at the bar of Terminal in the International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer.

I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?"

He says "No, why would you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?"

"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer."


----------



## Phil Pascoe

Keith Cocker said:


> I’d sacrifice England and move to France. Much better food.


For much of France now that quite simply is not true.


----------



## stuart little

Cozzer said:


> I've just overheard a conversation between a woman and a teenager, with the woman trying to persuade the youngster to get vaccinated.
> "It doesn't hurt!", she said, "and they only use a hypodeemic nurdle".
> It was only the second use of the phrase when I realised why it hadn't sounded quite right the first time!


That's what I call a needle, ever since I heard Nannette Newman say it on some TV show ,several decades ago


----------



## nickds1

Phil Pascoe said:


> For much of France now that quite simply is not true.


True. Years ago it wasn't, but general French cuisine standards have fallen and British standards have rocketed, admittedly from a pretty low base. I still fondly remember the "menu a dix Francs" - generally a chicken casserole and a bit if fresh baguette - which was normally pretty good, plus for an extra 5 Francs you'd get something far more substantial...

I've lived and worked in many countries including France and everywhere, except in the Far East, overall quality is not that great. Note that there are always exceptions to the general case...

Having said that, we're foodies who have grown a lot of our own food for the last 30 years or more... and I'm partial to simple food done well ... so maybe I'm being unfair...


----------



## Terry - Somerset

There is an inverse food quality measure associated with fast food - McDonalds: 

France 1485 branches
Germany 1478 branches
UK 1300 branhes
Spain 535 branhes
Spain where we have spent the last 4 weeks has excellent seafood at a reasonable price. 

With apologies to McD afficionados.


----------



## TRITON




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Linus




----------



## Robbo3

More Signs

At a Santa Fe gas station:
We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.

In a New York restaurant:
Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.

On the wall of a Baltimore estate:
Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners:
38 years on the same spot.

In a Los Angeles dance hall:
Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.

In a Florida maternity ward:
No children allowed.

In a New York drugstore:
We dispense with accuracy.

In the offices of a loan company:
Ask about our plans for owning your home.

In a New York medical building:
Mental Health Prevention Center

On a New York convalescent home:
For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.

On a Maine shop:
Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.

On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards:
Now available in multi-packs.

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store:
Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.

In a funeral parlor:
Ask about our layaway plan.

In a clothing store:
Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store:
15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!

On a shopping mall marquee:
Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced.

Outside a country shop:
We buy junk and sell antiques.

In the window of an Oregon store:
Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?

In a Maine restaurant:
Open 7 days a week and weekends.

On a radiator repair garage:
Best place to take a leak.

In the vestry of a New England church:
Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.

In a Pennsylvania cemetery:
Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.

On a roller coaster:
Watch your head.

On the grounds of a public school:
No trespassing without permission.

On a Tennessee highway:
When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.

Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash:
If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car.

And apparently, somewhere in England in an open field otherwise untouched by human presence, there is a sign that says
"Do not throw stones at this sign."

----
Sign in a Shoe Repair Store
"We will heel you
We will save your sole
We will even dye for you."

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a Septic Tank Truck:
"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"

At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

In a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."


----------



## Insanity




----------



## AES

Linus said:


>



+1 ??????


----------



## Cozzer

Every Christmas I'd come running downstairs to the big pile of presents and start unwrapping them as fast as I could.
Sometimes there would be fights over who had the best toys, but we would all make up later and sit down to have a three hour lunch before watching TV for the rest of the day.



I really miss no longer working in the sorting office.


----------



## stuart little

Terry - Somerset said:


> There is an inverse food quality measure associated with fast food - McDonalds:
> 
> France 1485 branches
> Germany 1478 branches
> UK 1300 branhes
> Spain 535 branhes
> Spain where we have spent the last 4 weeks has excellent seafood at a reasonable price.
> 
> With apologies to McD afficionados.


'Mucky-Don's' - The last place on earth!


----------



## Doug B




----------



## stuart little

Linus said:


>


+me


----------



## stuart little

Linus said:


>


----------



## Cabinetman

I’m not very well upon these things but I think it’s Roy Cropper? From Coronation Street and he’s had his face put onto the members of Joy Division, no it’s not that funny even when you understand it lol


----------



## Cozzer

stuart little said:


> That's what I call a needle, ever since I heard Nannette Newman say it on some TV show ,several decades ago



Are you certain it wasn't Newnette Nanman?


----------



## Cordy

Former model Katie Price has received a 16-week suspended jail sentence and has been banned from driving for two years after she admitted drink-driving while disqualified and without insurance after a crash near her home in Sussex.

Daniel Price, aged 26, from Maidstone, was sentenced to 60 days in prison on 26 October 2021 at West Kent Magistrates' Court in Sevenoaks. He pleaded guilty to driving when above the legal drink-drive limit and failing to stop after a road accident, in Maidstone, on 15 August 2021.

Tyrone Price, 32, has been jailed for 3 months after admitting to being behind the wheel of a car that was involved in an accident in Shrewsbury. He was driving a Vauxhall Corsa at approximately 2.20am on December 13 2019 when he lost control and struck a lamppost.

I found this information on a Price comparison site


----------



## Linus

Cabinetman said:


> I’m not very well upon these things but I think it’s Roy Cropper? From Coronation Street and he’s had his face put onto the members of Joy Division, no it’s not that funny even when you understand it lol


I had to look them up. Never heard of them


----------



## Droogs

Later changed their name to New Order


----------



## shed9

Terry - Somerset said:


> There is an inverse food quality measure associated with fast food - McDonalds:
> 
> France 1485 branches
> Germany 1478 branches
> UK 1300 branhes
> Spain 535 branhes
> Spain where we have spent the last 4 weeks has excellent seafood at a reasonable price.
> 
> With apologies to McD afficionados.


I don't get it? That one went straight over my head.....


----------



## Doug B




----------



## AES

Linus said:


> I had to look them up. Never heard of them




I also haven't heard of it/them, and could be bothered to look it up! BTW, I HAVE heard of Coronation Street, but never of Roy Cropper either. Just iggerant, me!


----------



## JSW




----------



## daftdog

Move to france? only if the french leave first


----------



## Kittyhawk

daftdog said:


> Move to france? only if the french leave first


Really?
Used to live in France for 6 months of the year and found them to be the most delightful, helpful and even tempered people one could wish to meet. But then I'm a kiwi .


----------



## Linus

Kittyhawk said:


> Really?
> Used to live in France for 6 months of the year and found them to be the most delightful, helpful and even tempered people one could wish to meet. But then I'm a kiwi .


You have to understand - it goes back to Agincourt!!!!!


----------



## Kittyhawk

Linus said:


> You have to understand - it goes back to Agincourt!!!!!


Yep, I know that you lot have be throwing spears, arrows and round shot at each other for centuries. That's what I meant about being kiwi. A few decades ago the French paid us a visit and blew up Greenpeace's ship Rainbow Warrior in Auckland Harbour. We responded by kicking their butt's on the rugby paddock ever since. Now France and NZ have a mutual respect and wife and I personally just like them a lot based on our interactions.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## niemeyjt

The English cricket team spent yesterday morning visiting an orphanage in suburban Adelaide.

"It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with absolutely no hope", said Timmy aged 6.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Cozzer

Not a joke as such, but a cartoonist's dream....

2 large inflatable dinghies, crossing directions in the middle of the English channel.
One full of illegal immigrants heading for the UK, the other full of bobble-hatted and muffled British holiday makers, complete with skis and poles, trying to head for Chamonix for their Christmas skiing holiday...


----------



## Phil Pascoe




----------



## dzj




----------



## dzj




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Sachakins

Blackswanwood said:


> View attachment 124573


...But why have I paid import duty on my Thai bride.........?


----------



## dzj




----------



## Linus




----------



## Doug B




----------



## dzj




----------



## paulrbarnard

Linus said:


> View attachment 124587


That one lost me


----------



## Daniel2

paulrbarnard said:


> That one lost me



From Simon and Garfunkel.
The sound of silence.


----------



## Turnr77

Specifically the line is
"The words of the prophets
Are written on the subway walls


----------



## Doug B

Your browser is not able to display this video.


----------



## Cozzer

Doug B said:


> View attachment 124622


















Ain't that the truth.
I've just spent 4 hours with my supposed intelligent 37 year old son who is totally unvaccinated. He kept mentioning the mysterious "they" in the argument we had. "They" want us to do that, "they" are trying to force us to do this....and do you believe everything that you hear on the news?
I tried keeping my temper, listening to the dung he was coming out with, but eventually lost it with him....
He is, I finally advised him, a ******* silly person.


Edit -why does the censor on this forum consider the word Id10T to be so offensive, and alter it to "silly person"?!


----------



## Linus

paulrbarnard said:


> That one lost me


I know, but as we STILL don't have a groan emoji I thought I'd post it.


----------



## TRITON

Cozzer said:


> Edit -why does the censor on this forum consider the word Id10T to be so offensive, and alter it to "silly person"?!


Forums owned by an American group.

I think they're............

Libertarian


----------



## Sachakins

TRITON said:


> Forums owned by an American group.
> 
> I think they're............
> 
> Libertarian


Is that another sexual variant??
Or the staff at a Library??
Either are useless


----------



## Noel

TRITON said:


> Forums owned by an American group.
> 
> I think they're............
> 
> Libertarian



Nah, id10t has been silly person for years. All depends on the tone of it's use and context.


----------



## TRITON

Noel said:


> Nah, id10t has been silly person for years. All depends on the tone of it's use and context.


My context is one of humour


----------



## Jameshow

Noel said:


> Nah, id10t has been silly person for years. All depends on the tone of it's use and context.


I think it's more of a willfully foolish or stubborn tone to it. 
Wouldn't use it of a genuinely simple person. 

Cheers James


----------



## paulrbarnard

TRITON said:


> Forums owned by an American group.
> 
> I think they're............
> 
> Libertarian


I would have thought they would stick up for all the words given their job. Oh sorry I thought you said they were librarians.


----------



## kinverkid




----------



## Cabinetman

Strange people those Americans. It’s quite frowned upon here.


----------



## dzj




----------



## stuart little

Linus said:


> View attachment 124587


----------



## stuart little

Daniel2 said:


> From Simon and Garfunkel.
> The sound of silence.


Oh!


----------



## Daniel2

stuart little said:


>



It's a take on the song "The Sound Of Silence",
by Simon and Garfunkel.
...."And the words of the prophets,
Are written on the subway walls"....

Edit; You've already found my previous post.


----------



## stuart little

Daniel2 said:


> It's a take on the song "The Sound Of Silence",
> by Simon and Garfunkel.
> ...."And the words of the prophets,
> Are written on the subway walls"....
> 
> Edit; You've already found my previous post.


Yup, know the words but 'little grey cells' still asleep!


----------



## Cozzer

kinverkid said:


> View attachment 124637



I realise that the image above is a (very clever) joke.

That said, maybe it should equally become one of the most important - and serious - messages out there at present.

Another "slogan" that's doing the rounds?
"If covid is anywhere, covid is everywhere...."

Stay safe.


----------



## Garno

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is Scotsmen who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Irish
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto McGregor but my friends call me Paddy ".


----------



## AES

No doubt someone will soon come along with the usual "the old 'uns is the best 'uns" (or similar), but I for one - and several others it looks like - at least got a grin out of it. So thanks for posting mate.


----------



## gwaithcoed

AES said:


> No doubt someone will soon come along with the usual "the old 'uns is the best 'uns" (or similar), but I for one - and several others it looks like - at least got a grin out of it. So thanks for posting mate.


It's only an old one if you've heard it before I hadn't, made me laugh, so yes thanks for posting

Alan


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Tim Nott

An old man's son is in prison for robbery. The father writes to him saying how he doesn't know how he's going to dig over the potato patch without the son's help. The son writes back - don't dig the potato patch at all, as that's where I buried the money. The prison authorities read this letter and hand it over to the police. The police come to the old man's house and dig up the entire potato patch without finding any loot. The son writes to his dad - 'Best I could do from here'.


----------



## Cozzer

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? 

Put it in a microwave until its bill withers.


----------



## Sachakins

Cozzer said:


> How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
> 
> Put it in a microwave until its bill withers.


It's a quacker


----------



## Thingybob

Cozzer said:


> How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
> 
> Put it in a microwave until its bill withers.


Just like the jokes you used to get at the top the Dandy and Beano annuals 2 line groaners but a laugh i drove the family mad on christmas day repeating them when i were a lad


----------



## TRITON

I invented a new word today: Plagiarism. 
----------
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini.
The barman asks Dry ?
No says the German, just the one.
----------
Q. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A. A fish


----------



## Blackswanwood

n


----------



## Cabinetman

They’ve changed the label, this one is years old. Not saying anything else!


----------



## MorrisWoodman12

Cabinetman said:


> They’ve changed the label, this one is years old. Not saying anything else!
> View attachment 124719


Do you mind? My wife has just dissolved into fits of giggles.


----------



## Linus

Cabinetman said:


> They’ve changed the label, this one is years old. Not saying anything else!
> View attachment 124719


Oh no it isn't


----------



## llangatwgnedd

(img)


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## John Brown

Blackswanwood said:


> View attachment 124760


Amen to that!


----------



## Noel

DM Dec 2000:


----------



## Serendipity Gunge

What do you think of this from one of the Bad Impressionists?


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## stuart little

TRITON said:


> I invented a new word today: Plagiarism.
> ----------
> A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini.
> The barman asks Dry ?
> No says the German, just the one.
> ----------
> Q. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
> A. A fish


That actually happened to me in S.Tyrol, I asked for a dry martini & the barman put 3 glasses on the bar - "Nein,nein, eine sec martini I said!" Thebarman got his languages mixed, not I.


----------



## stuart little

The instructions for the ship I'm building, said to put a rabett on the keel.


----------



## Jameshow

Nice!! 

What ship is that? Static or R/C? 

Cheers James


----------



## daftdog

In France one year the couple on the next table went through the menu and asked what was this item then and der what is this and again der and so on as we left the waiter brought a second table to sit alongside theirs then produced two of each meal.

I think it lost in translation


----------



## Just4Fun

Years ago I was in Czechoslovakia (as it was then called) with a friend and we were in a restaurant where we shared no common language with the waiter and had no clue what anything on the menu meant. However the menu was divided into 3 sections so, being smart people, we concluded this was starters, main courses and desserts. No problem, pick 1 item at random from each section and order 2 of those, 2 of those and 2 of those. It turned out the 3 sections were the cheap menu, the normal menu and the top of the range menu, so we had ordered 3 full meals each. Ho hum ... we made a valiant effort at eating it all.


----------



## sploo

Noel said:


> DM Dec 2000:



The idea that the Daily Fail had a "science" correspondent is a joke in its own right


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Cabinetman

Love it!


----------



## Phil Pascoe

From last Xmas.


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## kinverkid




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Noel

sploo said:


> The idea that the Daily Fail had a "science" correspondent is a joke in its own right




Missed that.
He's went on to become Political Editor then PR adviser at J&H Comms. Ex head of comms at HM Treasury and chief of staff at DeXEU. Look where "working" at the DM can get you. ....
Strangley enough he is pro indy, anti brex despite being at DeXEU and anti BJ.


----------



## Jameshow

Facebook have DeWalt 745 table saws for £100... 

Bargain! Not that you would ever see the saw!!


----------



## Cabinetman

Noel said:


> Missed that.
> He's went on to become Political Editor then PR adviser at J&H Comms. Ex head of comms at HM Treasury and chief of staff at DeXEU. Look where "working" at the DM can get you. ....
> Strangley enough he is pro indy, anti brex despite being at DeXEU and anti BJ.


"and anti BJ" took me a minute to work out what strange sort of a man this was.


----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Cabinetman

Well that’s good we’ve established the level of humour that appeals on here!


Blackswanwood said:


> View attachment 124885


----------



## AES

Cabinetman said:


> Well that’s good we’ve established the level of humour that appeals on here!




Re the level of humour: Definitely! ("Let it (be) mammeries" - last time I tried to use the real word "the system" changed it to something innocuous - it still doesn't like "barsteward" files either)!

Seasons Greetings to one and all.


----------



## JSW




----------



## Yojevol




----------



## JSW




----------



## Linus

dzj said:


> View attachment 124867


Sorry - lost me on that one?


----------



## Cabinetman

You’ve lost me there too


----------



## Adam W.

I'm lost too and so is my wife.


----------



## dzj

Linus said:


> Sorry - lost me on that one?


Decaffeinated coffee lacks the caffeine kick and in this respect pales in comparison (is a joke) with normal coffee. 
In a sense, similar to near beer.


----------



## Cabinetman

dzj said:


> Decaffeinated coffee lacks the caffeine kick and in this respect pales in comparison (is a joke) with normal coffee.
> In a sense, similar to near beer.


Sorry, no it’s the office decoration one I don’t get.


----------



## MikeK

Cabinetman said:


> Sorry, no it’s the office decoration one I don’t get.



It's a still shot from the movie "Die Hard" with Bruce Willis.


----------



## JSW

Cabinetman said:


> Sorry, no it’s the office decoration one I don’t get.


Never deen 'Die Hard'? The greatest Chrimby movie of all time?


----------



## Turnr77

A 45 year old guy has recently married a stunning younger woman, just 22 years old, and moved into a large house.
They have a gardener that comes in 3 times a week to keep the garden in order.
On his last visit before Christmas the young lady calls him to the door and says "I don't think there's much needs doing in the garden today, but please come in I've got something for you."
He goes in and she leads him to the kitchen,sits him at the breakfast bar and presents him with a large full English breakfast and a mug of tea, he's somewhat surprised but gets stuck in hungrily.
As he's nearly finished the young lady excuses herself from the room, 10 minutes later she reappears dressed only in the skimpiest of lingerie, he stares open mouthed, she takes him by the hand, leads him upstairs to the bedroom and they have the most amazing 2 hours of sex he's ever had.
Afterwards she slips on a robe and leads him down to the front door, she opens the door for him and as he's about to leave she says
"Oh, just a minute I nearly forgot" she reaches into the robe pocket takes out a £1 coin and hands it to him "this is for you Merry Christmas." she says.

He's dumbfounded and says " sorry but I've got to ask, most of my clients give me a few quid or a bottle of something at Christmas, but why this?"
Well it was my Husbands idea really" she replies "last night I asked him what we should give you for a Christmas gift, cash, bottle of Whisky or what? And he said F*@!" Him, give him a pound.............. but the breakfast was my idea!"


*Nick*


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Blackswanwood

Cabinetman said:


> Well that’s good we’ve established the level of humour that appeals on here!


I think Maureen Lipman summed it up this week when she said "Something has to be forbidden to make you laugh, really belly laugh.”


----------



## nickds1

Adam W. said:


> I'm lost too and so is my wife.


Excellent!


----------



## Noel

JSW said:


> Never deen 'Die Hard'? The greatest Chrimby movie of all time?




It certainly in in the top 5 anyway.
As mentioned every year for the past 2 decades "there are those that think Die Hard is a Christmas film and then there are those that are wrong".
PS - John McClane/B Willis in the vent shaft. The one with the late great Alan Rickman and the New Dawn (or something) outfit


----------



## daftdog

Oh! I have missed it Ill have to wait till next year or will it be on catch up?


----------



## stuart little

Hey guys; I'm on TV this weekend!!


----------



## stuart little

MikeK said:


> It's a still shot from the movie "Die Hard" with Bruce Willis.


Still can't see any connection with decorations.


----------



## Droogs

The movie was set on xmas eve and released in December


----------



## Daniel2

Well, ok.
It rocked somebody's boat, but mine remained in a flat calm.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## kinverkid

Blackswanwood said:


> View attachment 108683


A bit piratist if you ask me.


----------



## Cozzer

And in the spirit of spoonerism - as in "lay of wife" and "pransome hince" - may I take this opportunity to wish you all a very Crappy Histmas.....


Cake tare.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## MikeK

Cozzer said:


> And in the spirit of spoonerism - as in "lay of wife" and "pransome hince" - may I take this opportunity to wish you all a very Crappy Histmas.....
> 
> 
> Cake tare.



I remember this routine from "Hee Haw" when I was a teenager.


----------



## JSW




----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Doug B




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Cozzer

MikeK said:


> I remember this routine from "Hee Haw" when I was a teenager.





Very good!
Never seen that before....
Must've taken a lot of rehearsal!


----------



## stuart little

Daniel2 said:


> Well, ok.
> It rocked somebody's boat, but mine remained in a flat calm.


Same here!


----------



## stuart little

JSW said:


> View attachment 125004


----------



## Doug B




----------



## dzj




----------



## dzj




----------



## Cozzer

December 26....
The day when the expression "as thick as a Boxing Day Richard" takes on a less-than-amusing aspect...


----------



## Stan

Remember: A puppy isn't just for Christmas Day.

There should be enough left over for Boxing Day too.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Jameshow

Stan said:


> Remember: A puppy isn't just for Christmas Day.
> 
> There should be enough left over for Boxing Day too.


A Chinese joke!!


----------



## Phil Pascoe

Stan said:


> Remember: A puppy isn't just for Christmas Day.



Reminds me of the car sticker I used to see - Remember, a dog is for Christmas, not just Friday nights.


----------



## TRITON

For those in the know, who'll spot it early.


----------



## Jameshow

TRITON said:


> For those in the know, who'll spot it early.
> View attachment 125122


Straight out the box!!!


----------



## Sachakins

TRITON said:


> For those in the know, who'll spot it early.
> View attachment 125122


Forking hell


----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B




----------



## stuart little

Stan said:


> Remember: A puppy isn't just for Christmas Day.
> 
> There should be enough left over for Boxing Day too.


Should that not be ;turkey!


----------



## stuart little

TRITON said:


> For those in the know, who'll spot it early.
> View attachment 125122



Reminds me of when teaching my next-door neighbour's 10 yr. old to ride her bike, but she had trouble steering it. I ended up pushing the bike when she got fed up & I had trouble with steering it. We stopped at some swings & a fellow looked at the biike & said that the forks where 180* out! I hadn't really looked that hard at the bike until then - her dad had assembled it!!


----------



## stuart little

Sachakins said:


> Forking hell


My reaction too!


----------



## Cozzer

stuart little said:


> Should that not be ;turkey!




Ermmm.....


----------



## dzj




----------



## flying haggis

The first photos from the new space telescope have just beamed into NASA


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Robbo3

Signs

In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER....... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK).


----------



## Mr Christopher

Cabinetman said:


> Just because grannies are female and old (usually) doesn’t mean they don’t have a sense of humour. I suspect it’s more a variation between Britain and the good ol USA thing. Firsthand experience here – my Pam is American and care has to be used on the comedy front.
> I remember in the 70s, American tourists being shocked at adverts showing women in underwear on the subway walls in London.
> Your starter for 10 where is this from, " don’t look Ethel , but it was too late she's already been incensed."
> Edit, sorry I should’ve said, not everybody knows that Noel the site owner is American – that’s right isn’t it Noel?
> Double edit, sorry I got it wrong Noel isn’t the owner but the owner is American.


'The Streak'


----------



## stuart little

I've been watching 'Arctic Ice Railroad' (Ontario North) on D-Max ch., very weird when narrator says :- "it goes as far south as North Bay"!


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Boringgeoff

Todays news paper contains an item "Judges in the UK are being urged to drop the term 'postman' in favour of 'postal operative'...." This is going to play havoc with a poem I learnt about 50 years ago, which will now go like this: 
Postal operative out on daily run, 
thinks he'll stop and give maid one,
up comes postal operative master sudden like,
"stop pushing pud, push effing bike!"


----------



## Robbo3

More signs

At a Santa Fe gas station:
We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.

In a New York restaurant:
Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.

On the wall of a Baltimore estate:
Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners:
38 years on the same spot.

In a Los Angeles dance hall:
Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.

In a Florida maternity ward:
No children allowed.

In a New York drugstore:
We dispense with accuracy.

In the offices of a loan company:
Ask about our plans for owning your home.

In a New York medical building:
Mental Health Prevention Center

On a New York convalescent home:
For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.

On a Maine shop:
Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.

On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards:
Now available in multi-packs.

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store:
Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.

In a funeral parlor:
Ask about our layaway plan.

In a clothing store:
Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store:
15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!

On a shopping mall marquee:
Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced.

Outside a country shop:
We buy junk and sell antiques.

In the window of an Oregon store:
Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?

In a Maine restaurant:
Open 7 days a week and weekends.

On a radiator repair garage:
Best place to take a leak.

In the vestry of a New England church:
Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.

In a Pennsylvania cemetery:
Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.

On a roller coaster:
Watch your head.

On the grounds of a public school:
No trespassing without permission.

On a Tennessee highway:
When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.

Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash:
If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car.

And apparently, somewhere in England in an open field otherwise untouched by human presence, there is a sign that says
"Do not throw stones at this sign."


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Doug B




----------



## mikej460




----------



## Robbo3

Sign in a Shoe Repair Store
"We will heel you
We will save your sole
We will even dye for you."

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a Septic Tank Truck:
"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"

At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

In a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."


----------



## Vann

Robbo3 said:


> ...At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee...



I know those are American jokes, but I TIRE of them not being adapted for the mostly English audience here.

Cheers, Vann.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B




----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Robbo3

CHURCH PARKING LOT SIGNS


"CHURCH CAR PARK - FOR MEMBERS ONLY
Trespassers will be baptized!"

"No God - No Peace
Know God - Know Peace"

"Free Trip to Heaven
Details Inside!"

"Try our Sundays.
They're better than Dairy Queen's."

"Searching for a new look?
Have your faith lifted here!"

"People are like tea bags.
You have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."

"Fight Truth Decay
Study the Bible Daily"

"How will you spend eternity?
Smoking or Non-smoking?"

"Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives"

"It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."

"Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."

"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."

"If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."

"Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon."

"This is a ch _ _ ch.
What is missing? - (U R)"

"In the dark?
Follow the Son."

"Running low on faith?
Step in for a fill-up."

"If you can't sleep, don't count sheep.
Talk to the Shepherd."

"Come work for the Lord.
The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low, but the retirement benefits are out of this world"

An ad for one church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads: "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."

When a restaurant next to a church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."

"PASTOR'S SPOT
YOU PARK, YOU PREACH"


----------



## Doug B




----------



## treeturner123

Doug B said:


> View attachment 125451


I hope this result was reported on the NHS web site!!

Happy New Year All

Phil


----------



## Cozzer

"Ears pierced while you wait...."


----------



## Cabinetman

Took me a minute to get that one – very good


----------



## Jameshow

Is this a 240 or 415v table saw.....

Google spoils it ......









Multico Table Saw | eBay


<p>Multico Table Saw. </p><p>This table saw is in good condition. The Villiers 2 stroke engine turns and has a spark. The fuel line is brittle and needs replacing so we have not been able to get it started. Hence sold for repair but wouldn’t take much to get it back up and running. </p><p>I’m...



www.ebay.co.uk


----------



## stuart little

Blackswanwood said:


> View attachment 125564


----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B




----------



## graduate_owner

Robbo3 said:


> More signs
> 
> At a Santa Fe gas station:
> We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.
> 
> In a New York restaurant:
> Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.
> 
> On the wall of a Baltimore estate:
> Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy
> 
> On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners:
> 38 years on the same spot.
> 
> In a Los Angeles dance hall:
> Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.
> 
> In a Florida maternity ward:
> No children allowed.
> 
> In a New York drugstore:
> We dispense with accuracy.
> 
> In the offices of a loan company:
> Ask about our plans for owning your home.
> 
> In a New York medical building:
> Mental Health Prevention Center
> 
> On a New York convalescent home:
> For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.
> 
> On a Maine shop:
> Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.
> 
> On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards:
> Now available in multi-packs.
> 
> In the window of a Kentucky appliance store:
> Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.
> 
> In a funeral parlor:
> Ask about our layaway plan.
> 
> In a clothing store:
> Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.
> 
> In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store:
> 15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!
> 
> On a shopping mall marquee:
> Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced.
> 
> Outside a country shop:
> We buy junk and sell antiques.
> 
> In the window of an Oregon store:
> Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?
> 
> In a Maine restaurant:
> Open 7 days a week and weekends.
> 
> On a radiator repair garage:
> Best place to take a leak.
> 
> In the vestry of a New England church:
> Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.
> 
> In a Pennsylvania cemetery:
> Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.
> 
> On a roller coaster:
> Watch your head.
> 
> On the grounds of a public school:
> No trespassing without permission.
> 
> On a Tennessee highway:
> When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.
> 
> Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash:
> If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car.
> 
> And apparently, somewhere in England in an open field otherwise untouched by human presence, there is a sign that says
> "Do not throw stones at this sign."


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Cabinetman

Half a century for me, never did understand what it was all about, and have never missed it.


----------



## Daniel2

I think we often use basic algebra without really realising it.


----------



## Terry - Somerset

A bar of chocolate (C) costs £2. I spent (S) £6 on chocolate. How many bars (B) did I buy.

Or substitute the confectionary for something closer to reality for this forum - a chisel (C) costs £2, I bought a set (S) for £6, how many chisels did I buy (B).

*C=2
S=6
B=S/C
B=6/2
B=3*

I just did some algebra. Hardly in the same league as working out the rate the universe is expanding into a black hole. Algebra nonetheless.


----------



## Droogs

Every time you put place something on the floor or place a drill bit in a specific spot, you are sub-conciously using the algebra you learned at school


----------



## Tris

I know I haven't got my thinking head on at the moment, but how is 'oh b***er, I dropped it' algebra?


----------



## Droogs

Tris said:


> I know I haven't got my thinking head on at the moment, but how is 'oh b***er, I dropped it' algebra?


I take it, you weren't very good at it at school either?


----------



## Cabinetman

Droogs said:


> I take it, you weren't very good at it at school either?


 I would’ve been extremely good at school if it wasn’t for the teachers, God they were cr.p. Failed every single o level except woodwork yay, my dad got me into a grammar school and redid them and passed them in a year, but too late to understand the basics of algebra, but I’ve still never missed it!


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Southdownswolf

Terry - Somerset said:


> A bar of chocolate (C) costs £2. I spent (S) £6 on chocolate. How many bars (B) did I buy.
> 
> Or substitute the confectionary for something closer to reality for this forum - a chisel (C) costs £2, I bought a set (S) for £6, how many chisels did I buy (B).
> 
> *C=2
> S=6
> B=S/C
> B=6/2
> B=3*
> 
> I just did some algebra. Hardly in the same league as working out the rate the universe is expanding into a black hole. Algebra nonetheless.



Have you got a link to these chisels?


----------



## ElizaTea

Southdownswolf said:


> Have you got a link to these chisels?





Southdownswolf said:


> Have you got a link to these chisels?


I’d be interested in the chocolate


----------



## Robbo3

Notices

These notices (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:


The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."


Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. 

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. 

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight "Searching for Jesus." 

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King. 

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands. 

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict. 

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. &nbs;

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. 

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. 

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons. 

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth Into Joy." 

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. 

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. 

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen t o our choir practice. 

Eight new choir robes re currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. 

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. 

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. 

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment, and gracious hostility. 

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. 

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. 

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. 

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done. 

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. 

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. 

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. 

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.


----------



## Sachakins

Tris said:


> I know I haven't got my thinking head on at the moment, but how is 'oh b***er, I dropped it' algebra?


You automatically figured ot it's inertia, gravitational pull, together with impact resistance.
So you already figured out you would need to sharpen it, all in the fraction of a second it took to say b***er. How brilliant you really are, it's amazing.


----------



## Sachakins

Algebra taught by red skins (native americans) for pythagarus theory.
The sum of the squaws on the hippopotamus hide is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides!


----------



## stuart little

Sachakins said:


> You automatically figured ot it's inertia, gravitational pull, together with impact resistance.
> So you already figured out you would need to sharpen it, all in the fraction of a second it took to say b***er. How brilliant you really are, it's amazing.


Why has ''bother' been censored?


----------



## Doug B




----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## paulrbarnard

ElizaTea said:


> View attachment 125763


As apposed to the one that’s worried about everything.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Sachakins

ElizaTea said:


> View attachment 125763


Now that deserved an award


----------



## MiTown

paulrbarnard said:


> As apposed to the one that’s worried about everything.


Could ”cope” with opposed, but apposed?


----------



## paulrbarnard

MiTown said:


> Could ”cope” with opposed, but apposed?


Dyslexia rules KO.


----------



## Linus

What happened to jokes, everybody?????


----------



## ElizaTea

Linus said:


> What happened to jokes, everybody?????


I was wondering about that too…….


----------



## dzj




----------



## bushwhaker

Random Facts

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.


----------



## Cozzer

Linus said:


> What happened to jokes, everybody?????




Away you go!
Hit us with your best!


----------



## Jameshow

Not a joke but could be..... 

Had a call from Santa this morning could our men's shed fix his sled as it needs improving....!


----------



## Linus

For all those discussing the angst of grammatical errors on the "joke" thread, I would say "Chill, and follow a few Zen teaching guidelines"
Zen teachings​
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just p*ss off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you pass wind.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14.. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our buttocks - then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.


----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## AES

Yeah, exactly! Where can you buy those hats? I've seen lots of shops where those hats have the peak at the front, but never a shop having hats with the peak at the back!


----------



## Garden Shed Projects




----------



## Vann

Woodworking 
is one third planning;
one third marking out,
one third cutting, drilling, paring, 
and one third trying to work out why you are short...

Cheers, Vann.


----------



## Ozi

Linus said:


> For all those discussing the angst of grammatical errors on the "joke" thread, I would say "Chill, and follow a few Zen teaching guidelines"
> Zen teachings​
> 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just p*ss off and leave me alone.
> 
> 2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.
> 
> 3. No one is listening until you pass wind.
> 
> 4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
> 
> 5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
> 
> 6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
> 
> 7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
> 
> 8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
> 
> 9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
> 
> 10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
> 
> 11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
> 
> 12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.
> 
> 13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
> 
> 14.. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.
> 
> 15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
> 
> 16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
> 
> 17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
> 
> 18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
> 
> 19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our buttocks - then things just keep getting worse.
> 
> 20. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.


I often learn when my lips are moving - but just a little too late


----------



## Bod

Whats yellow and dangerous?







Shark infested custard.

Now the thread is now on track....

How do you know there's been an elephant in the fridge?

Answers on a postcard please.



Bod


----------



## Ozi

Bod said:


> Whats yellow and dangerous?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Shark infested custard.
> 
> Now the thread is now on track....
> 
> How do you know there's been an elephant in the fridge?
> 
> Answers on a postcard please.
> 
> 
> 
> Bod


If I remember this goes "foot prints in the butter"

Then "how do you get an elephant into a fridge"

over


----------



## TRITON

Bod said:


> How do you know there's been an elephant in the fridge?


I would imagine the door's been ripped off it's hinges


----------



## Bod

Ozi said:


> If I remember this goes "foot prints in the butter"
> 
> Then "how do you get an elephant into a fridge"
> 
> over


Open the door, as any 5 year old knows.

Bod


----------



## AES

Bod said:


> Answers on a postcard please.
> Bod



Don't be silly Bod, elepehants can't write postcards.


----------



## flying haggis

But they CAN make trunk calls.........


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Suffolkboy

Not sure if this translates well into text but here it goes...

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Dunnup
Dunnup who?

What on my doorstep?


----------



## Stan

How can you tell if a politician is lying?


His/her lips are moving.


----------



## Stan

Court prosecutor to medical doctor in the witness box....

cp: So you say Mr Blenkinsop was dead?

md: Yes.

cp: Did you test his pulse?

md: No.

cp: Did you check he was breathing?

md: No.

cp: So how do you know he was dead?

md: Because his brain was in a jar on my desk.

cp: Yes, but if you didn't check his pulse or breathing, how can you be so sure he was dead?

md: Well, I suppose he could have been up and about practising law somewhere...


----------



## stuart little

dzj said:


> View attachment 125855


Laurel & Hardy, perhaps?


----------



## stuart little

AES said:


> Yeah, exactly! Where can you buy those hats? I've seen lots of shops where those hats have the peak at the front, but never a shop having hats with the peak at the back!


A deerstalker would do, it's got front & back peaks.


----------



## dzj

stuart little said:


> Laurel & Hardy, perhaps?


Maybe. Google doesn't attribute it to anyone though.


----------



## stuart little

This was also used in 'The Plank' ; Tommy Cooper.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## HamsterJam

Bod said:


> Open the door, as any 5 year old knows.
> 
> Bod



How do you get four elephants into a Mini?


----------



## flying haggis

HamsterJam said:


> How do you get four elephants into a Mini?


I dont know, but I do know to get two whales in a mini.........


----------



## treeturner123

Vann said:


> Woodworking
> is one third planning;
> one third marking out,
> one third cutting, drilling, paring,
> and one third trying to work out why you are short...
> 
> Cheers, Vann.



Reminds me of the old joke:-

There are 3 kinds of Accountants ( Or QSs if you are in the building line)

Those who can add up

And those who can't.


Needless to say, this usually goes well over the head of Accountants!

Phi


----------



## akirk

There was a meeting of all the trades to finally put to rest the age-old question of the definitive answer to 2+2
The various groups met and discussed for many days, and as the meeting came to a close, the chairman asked each group to report back their conclusion:
- The lawyers went first - easy, 2+2 is legally 4
- Then the educators who also agreed that 2+2 = 4
- then the engineers - who came back precisely with an answer of 3.9999999998
- then the philosophers - who felt that it could vary according to your mood and perhaps it wasn't really important
and so on around the groups...

finally the chairman noticed that one group had not yet reported back - so he asked the accountants for their answer, the accountants' spokesman got up, put down his calculator and thought for a moment - well mr chairman, what would you like it to be?


----------



## HamsterJam

flying haggis said:


> I dont know, but I do know to get two whales in a mini.........



The answer is two in the front and two in the back….
How do you get four giraffes in a Mini?


----------



## kinverkid

HamsterJam said:


> The answer is two in the front and two in the back….
> How do you get four giraffes in a Mini?


Ask the elephants to vacate the vehicle first?


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Wildman

Bod said:


> Whats yellow and dangerous?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Shark infested custard.
> 
> Now the thread is now on track....
> 
> How do you know there's been an elephant in the fridge?
> 
> Answers on a postcard please.
> 
> 
> 
> Bod


footprints in the butter


----------



## HamsterJam

kinverkid said:


> Ask the elephants to vacate the vehicle first?


Nearly - You can’t, it’s full of elephants.

Now you know how to tell whether there are elephants in your fridge ……
There will be a Mini parked outside.


----------



## kinverkid

HamsterJam said:


> Nearly - You can’t, it’s full of elephants.
> 
> Now you know how to tell whether there are elephants in your fridge ……
> There will be a Mini parked outside.


If they want to get into our fridge they will have to ask the Hippos to move over and maybe take the salad tray out.


----------



## ElizaTea

Or this….


----------



## Cozzer

North Korea.

Building a nuclear arsenal like there's no tomorrow.


----------



## Terry - Somerset

Accountants are often not the best loved of colleagues in war or business - by repute it is they who after the battle go round and shoot the wounded.


----------



## jcassidy

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scot walked into a bar. The barmen says, What is this, a f**king joke?

Two Paddys on duty at a checkpoint in South Lebanon are getting fierce abuse from a local. "Should I shoot him, sarge?" asks the young one. The other says "Nah, ignore him, he's just a gob Shi'ite"


----------



## Pineapple

HamsterJam said:


> The answer is two in the front and two in the back….
> How do you get four giraffes in a Mini?


Open the sun-roof !


----------



## dzj

Pineapple said:


> Open the sun-roof !


Get the elephants out first.


----------



## Stan

Why do elephants paint their bxxxx[redacted] toenails red?
[ family friendly version]
So they can hide in cherry trees in the jungle.

Why do the animals leave the jungle at 5 o'clock?
Because that is when the elephants come down.

Why has the cobra got a flat head?
Because it cannot tell the time.


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Suffolkboy

Stan said:


> Why do elephants paint their bxxxx[redacted] toenails red?
> [ family friendly version]
> So they can hide in cherry trees in the jungle.
> 
> Why do the animals leave the jungle at 5 o'clock?
> Because that is when the elephants come down.
> 
> Why has the cobra got a flat head?
> Because it cannot tell the time.



Why do elephants paint their testicles red? 

To hide in cherry trees in the jungle. 

What's the loudest noise in the jungle?

Squirrels eating cherries.


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## stuart little

HamsterJam said:


> The answer is two in the front and two in the back….
> How do you get four giraffes in a Mini?


Take out the whales!


----------



## stuart little

Blackswanwood said:


> View attachment 126005


----------



## Serendipity Gunge

treeturner123 said:


> Reminds me of the old joke:-
> 
> There are 3 kinds of Accountants ( Or QSs if you are in the building line)
> 
> Those who can add up
> 
> And those who can't.
> 
> 
> Needless to say, this usually goes well over the head of Accountants!
> 
> Phi


Similarly;
There are 10 types of people in the world - those who understand binary arithmetic and those who don't.


----------



## Adam W.

What's white and if it fell out of a tree would kill you ?


A fridge.....enough of the stupid elephant jokes!


----------



## Adam W.

That wasn't funny, was it ?

I'll get my coat.


----------



## Cozzer

stuart little said:


>



Oh, _come_ on!


----------



## niemeyjt




----------



## Linus




----------



## Henniep

HamsterJam said:


> The answer is two in the front and two in the back….
> How do you get four giraffes in a Mini?


.....and trunks in the boot!


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## flying haggis

flying haggis said:


> I dont know, but I do know to get two whales in a mini.........


No No No Along the M4 from London obviously................................


----------



## Doug B




----------



## ElizaTea

Doug B said:


> View attachment 126115


I was wondering what that was last night…….


----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## Phil Pascoe

Doug B said:


> View attachment 126115


Poon obviously has a different meaning now. Not the same as when I went poon hunting.


----------



## Robbo3

Beethoven

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.

Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's decomposing!"


----------



## Doug B




----------



## stuart little

flying haggis said:


> No No No Along the M4 from London obviously................................


Along the A40, westwards for me!


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Yorkieguy

Some Covid Cartoons.

Really, it's tragedy rather than comedy, but still...


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Trainee neophyte




----------



## TRITON

That pic reminds me of a time i had to cut out a flight of concrete stairs using a sthilsaw


----------



## Doug B




----------



## mikej460

Doug B said:


> View attachment 126242


You got his first name wrong Doug, it's Novax Djokovic


----------



## Robbo3

Beach Seller

A couple lived near the sea and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around and then speak to them. 
Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off. But occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something that she carried in her bag. 
The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the police, but since they didn't know for sure, they decided to just continue watching her. 
After a couple of weeks the wife said, 'Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?' He hadn't and said so. 
Then she said, 'Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing.' 
Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.. The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. 
'Well, is she selling drugs?' she asked excitedly.

'No, she's not,' he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. 
'Well, what is it then? What does she do ?' his wife fairly shrieked. 
The man grinned and said, 'She's a battery salesperson.' 
'Batteries?' cried the wife. 
'Yes!' he replied.
'She Sells C Cells by the Seashore!'


----------



## TRITON

Robbo3 said:


> 'She Sells C Cells by the Seashore!'


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Doug B




----------



## JSW

Robbo3 said:


> Beach Seller
> 
> A couple lived near the sea and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around and then speak to them.
> Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off. But occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something that she carried in her bag.
> The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the police, but since they didn't know for sure, they decided to just continue watching her.
> After a couple of weeks the wife said, 'Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?' He hadn't and said so.
> Then she said, 'Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing.'
> Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.. The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.
> 'Well, is she selling drugs?' she asked excitedly.
> 
> 'No, she's not,' he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.
> 'Well, what is it then? What does she do ?' his wife fairly shrieked.
> The man grinned and said, 'She's a battery salesperson.'
> 'Batteries?' cried the wife.
> 'Yes!' he replied.
> 'She Sells C Cells by the Seashore!'


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Sachakins

Finally came out from workshop after several hours turning, after wife called me for dinner about dozen times.
She was muttering something about dinner, burnt and bin, can't you hear me she yelled.
Sorry dear I was looking to find a way I can make mine blanks.
Try bloody castration she yelled, while holding a carving knife in her hand.
Not quite the response I expected, I shield my groin and ran in!


----------



## TRITON




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Robbo3

A Dark and Stormy Night.. 

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe... as it happens, near Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in.

An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.

He bursts in and shouts to his master:

"Master, Master! ....... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Doug B




----------



## dzj




----------



## smugdruggler

dzj said:


> View attachment 126493


It's obvious, it's a flying car


----------



## Doug B




----------



## dzj




----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## Sandyn

Have you seen the price of chimneys lately??? They are going through the roof!!


----------



## Robbo3

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Pattie looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Pattie explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Pattie explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says. "It's a knick-knack, Pattie Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Stan

Two armed robbers go into a bank. Both are masked up and have sawn-off shotguns. One robber goes up to a cashier and points the shotgun at him. He looks at the cashier with surprise for a moment or two, and then calls out to his mate:

"Strewth John! This bloke could be your double!"


----------



## Cozzer

ElizaTea said:


> View attachment 126541



And looking at their skis and footwear, it appears that velcro has been around a lot longer than I thought.


----------



## stuart little

Stan said:


> Two armed robbers go into a bank. Both are masked up and have sawn-off shotguns. One robber goes up to a cashier and points the shotgun at him. He looks at the cashier with surprise for a moment or two, and then calls out to his mate:
> 
> "Strewth John! This bloke could be your double!"


Memories of:- "Don't tell him your name, Pike!


----------



## Yojevol

Cozzer said:


> And looking at their skis and footwear, it appears that velcro has been around a lot longer than I thought.


Helmets too. The ski poles look as though they'd be useful in lift queues.


----------



## Trainee neophyte




----------



## Ozi

ElizaTea said:


> View attachment 126543


Where's the curry sauce?


----------



## Jameshow

Trainee neophyte said:


> View attachment 126615


I must be too young..!


----------



## Old.bodger

I assume ….fez….pheasant


----------



## J-G

Old.bodger said:


> I assume ….fez….pheasant


...but the hat might be a Tarboosh - as worn by Tommy Cooper!


----------



## Vann

Old.bodger said:


> I assume ….fez….pheasant



No wonder I didn't get it - I thought that was a pigeon. 

Cheers, Vann.


----------



## Robbo3

Roy Rogers is appearing in a rodeo in a little town in Texas miles from anywhere.

The night before the rodeo he puts a brand new pair of cowboy boots outside the door of his motel room to be polished. In the morning he opens the door and finds his boots have been badly clawed up and chewed by what appears to be a wild animal. Enraged, he organises a posse to hunt down the animal.

After a chase, the posse corners a cougar with boot polish on its face. They despatch the snarling animal and return to the waiting Roy at the hotel with the carcass.

The head of the posse holds up the carcass and says "Pardon me Roy - is this the cat that chewed your new shoes?"


----------



## Woody2Shoes

Vann said:


> No wonder I didn't get it - I thought that was a pigeon.
> 
> Cheers, Vann.


I was too busy making up my own c#ck jokes to get it for a short while....


----------



## dzj




----------



## Morty

I've found a plumber who works round the clock


----------



## Linus

dzj said:


> View attachment 126663


----------



## Phil Pascoe

His taste in reading material is rather odd.


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## stuart little

dzj said:


> View attachment 126663


----------



## stuart little

Silly Pheasant pluckers!


----------



## Doug B




----------



## dzj

Linus said:


>


A kind of absurd/ surreal humour. 
Not that funny, anyway.


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Doug B




----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## stuart little

Doug B said:


> View attachment 126798


----------



## flying haggis

Boris. Just say you were with Nicola Sturgeon on the day in question, she will back you up as she seems to forget things as well...........................................


----------



## Blackswanwood

stuart little said:


>


Ant & Dec do an item on one of their programmes where they direct someone to do outlandish things and they film the reaction of those around.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## stuart little

Blackswanwood said:


> Ant & Dec do an item on one of their programmes where they direct someone to do outlandish things and they film the reaction of those around.


Oh,thanks, I don't watch that sort of 'squit',.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## dzj




----------



## bushwhaker

Australia: No one can come without vaccination!
Djokovich: I understood No1 can come without vaccination!


----------



## Droogs

@bushwhaker, Do you guys still have that really rubbish tank museum. I visited it once, a long time ago when I was looking to by a farm near leyarovo. Just filled with stuff the germans and russians forgot to take home with them. nothing restored just rusty bits of metal scrap


----------



## bushwhaker

Ha-ha, yes, still have it.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Cabinetman

Matt Lucas!! Good grief. Reminiscence of Matt Lucas in a pink romper suit playing the drums – Led Zeppelin I seem to remember.


----------



## Robbo3

A member of the New York Explorers Club is hunting for rare animals in darkest Africa.

He comes across the strangest looking beast he has ever seen. It's a quarter part elephant, a quarter monkey, a quarter hippo and a quarter tiger and with a very sweet disposition.

They cage it and ship it to New York to the explorers club where he exhibits the creature that he calls a "Rarey" and gives a talk on it before the members.

Over a short period of time he notices that the Rarey is growing extremely fast and is soon too large to keep in a cage. He decides to return it to its home in Africa even though there is not enough food around to keep it alive. They reach the edge of a tall cliff and they both look over knowing that the Rarey, unable to survive, must go over the edge to his death.

The explorer says "Good bye old friend I will miss you". To his surprise the Rarey speaks for the first time. It looks down over the steep cliff and sings, "It's a long way to tip a Rarey".


----------



## gcusick




----------



## Doug B




----------



## dzj




----------



## stuart little

dzj said:


> View attachment 126977


----------



## Doug B




----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B




----------



## kinverkid




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## shed9




----------



## Phil Pascoe




----------



## Stan

shed9 said:


> View attachment 127064




Scarily real!!


----------



## Linus

How true.......





Your browser is not able to display this video.


----------



## Ozi

Stan said:


> Scarily real!!


Looks a bit old to be in the police


----------



## Doug B




----------



## dzj




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## Robbo3

Apologies to Moonrakers. The rest of you ..... suffer.

Why do they eat French fries in Wiltshire?
'Cos they have no Devizes for Chippenham!


----------



## Doug B




----------



## GregW

Your browser is not able to display this video.


----------



## GregW

BREXIT development over the years


----------



## Amateur




----------



## stuart little

GregW said:


> View attachment 127171


----------



## Cozzer

That's funny.
I've been referring to my wife as "my little midget gem" - she's 5 foot and half an inch - for years, but _she_'s never complained....


----------



## dzj




----------



## TRITON

stuart little said:


>


Its the journey from being a person, to being a snowflake.
1970's yeah so what,1980's, a bit argumentative, 1990's a bit whiny to 2000's full on snowflake and taking pics to show on facebook/twitter to elicit some sympathy.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Robbo3

A man stops into this little backwoods restaurant for lunch, and after finishing his meal he inquires the way to the rest room. He was told that it's around the back of the building. He heads through the back door, finds the outhouse and takes a dung, only to discover there's no toilet paper. But there is a sign on the wall that reads, 'Wipe yourself with your finger, then insert the finger into this hole, and your finger will be cleaned with great attention'

So the man wipes up and sticks his finger through the hole. On the other side is standing a little boy holding a brick in either hand, who claps them together at the sight of the finger poking through. The guy screams in pain, yanks his hand back, and starts sucking on his finger......


----------



## TRITON

Robbo3 said:


> A man stops into this little backwoods restaurant for lunch, and after finishing his meal he inquires the way to the rest room. He was told that it's around the back of the building. He heads through the back door, finds the outhouse and takes a dung, only to discover there's no toilet paper. But there is a sign on the wall that reads, 'Wipe yourself with your finger, then insert the finger into this hole, and your finger will be cleaned with great attention'
> 
> So the man wipes up and sticks his finger through the hole. On the other side is standing a little boy holding a brick in either hand, who claps them together at the sight of the finger poking through. The guy screams in pain, yanks his hand back, and starts sucking on his finger......


I heard that one in primary school over 40 years ago


----------



## Jameshow

TRITON said:


> I heard that one in primary school over 40 years ago


Taking of which...

Daughter ....dad what's your name..... James ..

What's the opposite of yes...... no....

What's in my hands ...... Nothing......

Old ones are best!!!!


----------



## WoodchipWilbur

Jameshow said:


> Taking of which...
> Daughter ....dad what's your name..... James ..
> What's the opposite of yes...... no....
> What's in my hands ...... Nothing......
> Old ones are best!!!!



... if you say so...


----------



## Just4Fun

TRITON said:


> I heard that one in primary school over 40 years ago


If I had gone to a primary school 40 years ago I would probably have been arrested


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Linus

Has Novak Djokivic set a new world record?

He is the first athlete to have been banned from international competition for NOT taking drugs!


----------



## dzj




----------



## Jameshow

WoodchipWilbur said:


> ... if you say so...


It was a 5 year old telling it! 
As she had just leant it!!


----------



## mikej460




----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Robbo3

At the end of the tax year, The Taxation Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. 
While the agent was checking the books, he turned to the executive of the hospital and said 
“I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the executive. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. 

But on he went, in his obnoxious way.
"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the executive, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they send us a free bag of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all executive. "Well, What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the executive.
"What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Stan

My dad was foreman of a department in a factory. He had an arrangement with the stores foreman for dealing with gobby new teenagers who knew it all. He would send them to the stores to ask for a "long stand".

The conversation as reported back to him usually went something like this:

KnowItAll: Hi. I've been sent by Rick for a long stand.

Stores Foreman: OK. Just wait there.

[time passes]

K: Hey!. Where's this long stand?

S: You're getting it. Just wait there...

[ more time passes ]

[ penny drops ]

[ K storms off in a huff ]


----------



## Jameshow

Stan said:


> My dad was foreman of a department in a factory. He had an arrangement with the stores foreman for dealing with gobby new teenagers who knew it all. He would send them to the stores to ask for a "long stand".
> 
> The conversation as reported back to him usually went something like this:
> 
> KnowItAll: Hi. I've been sent by Rick for a long stand.
> 
> Stores Foreman: OK. Just wait there.
> 
> [time passes]
> 
> K: Hey!. Where's this long stand?
> 
> S: You're getting it. Just wait there...
> 
> [ more time passes ]
> 
> [ penny drops ]
> 
> [ K storms off in a huff ]


Not jokes but some right stories here! 



The Shop Floor


----------



## Phil Pascoe

Striped paint, left handed screwdrivers, skirting ladders, buckets of steam, long weights, fallopian tubes, sky hooks ...


----------



## Linus

Not to mention adjustable spanners......metric or imperial?


----------



## Inspector

Don't forget the better adjustable wrenches have temperature compensating jaws.

Aircraft mechanic related. Send the apprentice or new guy in stores off to look for flight line, prop wash, mag drops, the previously mentioned sky hooks and a few I've forgotten. It can work the other way at times though. The chief mechanic of the light aircraft section told me to use Mouse Milk on the turbo charger linkages of the aircraft I was working on. There was no way I was going to fall for that one. He stopped what he was doing and went to the oil and grease cabinet and handed me a little can of, yup you got it, Mouse Milk. 

Pete


----------



## Cozzer

Inspector said:


> Don't forget the better adjustable wrenches have temperature compensating jaws.
> 
> Aircraft mechanic related. Send the apprentice or new guy in stores off to look for flight line, prop wash, mag drops, the previously mentioned sky hooks and a few I've forgotten. It can work the other way at times though. The chief mechanic of the light aircraft section told me to use Mouse Milk on the turbo charger linkages of the aircraft I was working on. There was no way I was going to fall for that one. He stopped what he was doing and went to the oil and grease cabinet and handed me a little can of, yup you got it, Mouse Milk.
> 
> Pete



Nervous because it was my first time in a recording studio, I kept dropping my guitar pick.
The vocalist gave me some advice.... "You need some gorilla snot on your thumb...."
And yes, you're ahead of me!


----------



## Cozzer

Talking of true tales, an old workmate of mine travelled right around the Far East, and unusually (for the time) also included Vietnam.
He assured us the following was true...

He'd taken a bus trip up country to visit some site or other, and found himself seated next to one of the most beautiful girls he'd ever seen.
Needless to say he added certain information from a male perspective - beautiful breasts almost spilling out of her blouse, fantastic legs, astoundingly gorgeous face, glossy black mane of hair....all the usual rubbish that blokes drool over.
What with her being really close by and the bus vibrations, he found himself thinking "Don't get an erection. _Please_ don't get an erection..."
He didn't, but he noticed that she had....






(I'll explain it to you later, Stuart!)


----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## Trainee neophyte

Linus said:


> Not to mention adjustable spanners......metric or imperial?


My favourite was a bag of sparks for the grinder. Make sure to wet the bag, obviously.


----------



## Boringgeoff

A bloke I worked with told me he'd worked in a boat yard and was sent to the store to get a bucket of "propeller pitch". The storeman sent him back to the workshop to find out what degree of pitch was required.


----------



## Vann

We needed to clean a vehicle before repainting. I got sent to ask the storeman for a tin of "Vacuum". I got most of the way there before the penny dropped. 

"Vacuum" cleaner - it sounded reasonable (at first)...

Cheers, Vann.


----------



## Robbo3

How to Clean the Toilet ... 

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl. 
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids You may need to stand on the lid. 
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. 
5. Flush the toilet three and or four times. This provides a "power-wash" 
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door. 
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids 
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet , streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off. 
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean. 
Sincerely, 
The Dog


----------



## TRITON

The 'team' tried one on me when i was training to be a chef. I got given a bowl of cream i had to whip up. Unbeknownst to me it was single cream not double, so pretty much no way to whip it, it remains runny.

I was at it for 15 mins and getting nowhere, so asked the head waiter who said he thought it was single cream and told me how to do it.
I needed to add lots of sugar and place the bowl in the freezer for several minutes and lo and behold i managed to whip the cream to quite a thick consistency.
Presented the bowl to the head chef and left them to wonder how the **** i'd managed it


----------



## Phil Pascoe

Boringgeoff said:


> A bloke I worked with told me he'd worked in a boat yard and was sent to the store to get a bucket of "propeller pitch". The storeman sent him back to the workshop to find out what degree of pitch was required.


On a large construction site we had a tractor driver sent from site to site for a whole day looking for surplus sky hooks.


----------



## Phil Pascoe

An electrician I knew had a problem and had his apprentice check a piece of cable in case a square amp was stuck in it.


----------



## Droogs

When I was a sprog at HQ Strike in High Wycombe and working in the communications centre, I was sent by my Cpl to go get a chad removal tool (a chad being the little round bit of paper when you punch a hole) as someone had mixed up some top secret pink ones in the box of unclassified white ones by mistake. Unkown to him I realised he was taking the Michael as the pink ones came from the last 6' of tape to show you were running out. I went to the medical centre and got a nurse to give me a hypo needle. was a good 3 hour skive though


----------



## treeturner123

Phil Pascoe said:


> Striped paint, left handed screwdrivers, skirting ladders, buckets of steam, long weights, fallopian tubes, sky hooks ...



Quite honestly, anything Left Handed eg 
Tooth Brush
Combe
Garden Fork

BUT NOT 
Secateurs
Cheque books
Scissors

There used to be a Left Handed shop in the back streets of Worcester which had no end of left handed items.

BTW, a carpenter told me he was always welcome on building sites to help roofers as he was left handed and could cut the left hand ends from Purlins, battens etc.

Phil


----------



## Kittyhawk

Years ago I was on a container ship that had an automated ballast system to keep the vessel upright during loading and discharging. The system malfunctioned and the ship took a pronounced list to port. The enterprising agent saw the opportunity for a bit of fun and sent his new assistant down to the ship to ask the captain that his boss believed the captain was in possession of the port list and could he please have a copy at his earliest convenience. We were on charter and the captain, facing the prospect of an off-hire, was not amused.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Mark-L

Your browser is not able to display this video.


----------



## dzj




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Blackswanwood

RIP


----------



## Yorkieguy




----------



## Jester129




----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## TRITON

Possibly a genuine Toyota advertising poster.


----------



## Robbo3

On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in the snow-bound UK were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say,
"We are going to have 16 to 20 cm of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snow ploughs can get through."
So the good wife went out and moved her Car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, The radio announcer said,
"We are expecting 20 to 24 cm of snow today.You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street,So the snow ploughs can get through."
The good wife went out and moved her car Again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio Announcer says,
"We are expecting 24 to 28 cm of snow today. You must park...."
Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face She said,
" I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow Ploughs can get through?"
Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all Men exhibit when they have been married for a while, the husband replied,
"Why don't you just leave the ******* car in the garage this time."


----------



## dzj




----------



## stuart little

TRITON said:


> Possibly a genuine Toyota advertising poster.
> View attachment 127552


What's with/in the bottle?


----------



## LambCrafter

stuart little said:


> What's with/in the bottle?


That will be the air-to-ground rocket pod version, as mentioned in the T&Cs at the bottom of the poster.

An image search in Google for “air to ground rocket pod toyota hilux” shows the option.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## TRITON

stuart little said:


> What's with/in the bottle?


----------



## Mark-L




----------



## Sachakins




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Doug B




----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Sachakins

Blackswanwood said:


> View attachment 127843


3 is Depression, 5 verging on the suicidal


----------



## ElizaTea

Blackswanwood said:


> View attachment 127843


And gladioli…….


----------



## smugdruggler

Huh?


----------



## Droogs

Morrisey is into gladioli big style as are his fans


----------



## Doug B

Blackswanwood said:


> View attachment 127843


surely the answer is Billy only has a small selection of the maestro’s back catalogue


----------



## ElizaTea

smugdruggler said:


> Huh?


Morrisey was the front man of the band The Smiths.
"Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now" is a song by the English rock band the Smiths. Released as a single in May 1984, it reached No. 10 on the UK Singles Chart, ...

Flowers were part of The Smiths' visual aesthetic and the shrubbery most commonly associated with the group was the gladiolus


----------



## MARK.B.

Went to the Bike shop today and bought a new pump , it was very expensive but that's inflation for you


----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## sploo

ElizaTea said:


> Morrisey was the front man of the band The Smiths.
> "Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now" is a song by the English rock band the Smiths. Released as a single in May 1984, it reached No. 10 on the UK Singles Chart, ...
> 
> Flowers were part of The Smiths' visual aesthetic and the shrubbery most commonly associated with the group was the gladiolus


On topic 
https://newsthump.com/2017/11/21/so...-was-a-time-when-morrissey-wasnt-a-pineapple/
Edit: FFS. The naughty word filter on the forum breaks the URL by changing a word to pineapple . Open the link, and change 'pineapple' to the word that starts with a 't' and ends with a 'wat'.


----------



## Phil Pascoe

I thought he always was a pineapple.


----------



## ElizaTea

Phil Pascoe said:


> I thought he always was a pineapple.


Misunderstood


----------



## Ozi

ElizaTea said:


> Misunderstood


Yes - but a misunderstood pineapple


----------



## Sporky McGuffin

Stan said:


> My dad was foreman of a department in a factory. He had an arrangement with the stores foreman for dealing with gobby new teenagers who knew it all. He would send them to the stores to ask for a "long stand".



I had that on a work experience week. Miserable jaded old sod sent me to stores for the traditional long stand. I turned up at stores, told the it was my first day of a work experience week and who'd sent me, and asked if there was somewhere quiet I could sit and read my book. Went again the other days; on my last day the stores guys (lovely people) presented me with a long stand they'd built from scrap odds and ends. 

The miserable old sod was not amused, strangely. But I got a lot of reading done.


----------



## mikej460

MARK.B. said:


> Went to the Bike shop today and bought a new pump , it was very expensive but that's inflation for you


These puns leave me tyred and flat..


----------



## mikej460

Sporky McGuffin said:


> I had that on a work experience week. Miserable jaded old sod sent me to stores for the traditional long stand. I turned up at stores, told the it was my first day of a work experience week and who'd sent me, and asked if there was somewhere quiet I could sit and read my book. Went again the other days; on my last day the stores guys (lovely people) presented me with a long stand they'd built from scrap odds and ends.
> 
> The miserable old sod was not amused, strangely. But I got a lot of reading done.


My planned vocation was to go to agricultural college and become a farmer after enjoying working on a farm for most of my teens, but my Dad persuaded me that a career as an Marine Engineer Officer in the Merchant Navy was more lucrative. I caved and accepted a cadetship with Esso and after 2 years in college I went on my first (and last) trip only to be warned on my first day onboard not to go with anybody who offered to help me look for the 'golden rivet'. 6 months later I resigned and joined ICL as a trainee computer engineer and never looked back (or had to..). In my 50's we bought some land and I'm now a smallholder.


----------



## Phil Pascoe

mikej460 said:


> These puns leave me tyred and flat..


Wheely tyred and flat?


----------



## mikej460

Phil Pascoe said:


> Wheely tyred and flat?


so much so I have to take a seat


----------



## kinverkid

MARK.B. said:


> Went to the Bike shop today and bought a new pump , it was very expensive but that's inflation for you


Treadfull


----------



## MARK.B.

Gentlemen please no more  or we risk falling into a cycle from which there is only one way out and that my friends is rarely spoken about because it is tiresome and somewhat middle of the road in a pedestrian sort of way . Now if you will excuse me , i am off to polish my chopper


----------



## Sachakins

MARK.B. said:


> Gentlemen please no more  or we risk falling into a cycle from which there is only one way out and that my friends is rarely spoken about because it is tiresome and somewhat middle of the road in a pedestrian sort of way . Now if you will excuse me , i am off to polish my chopper


Oh wheelie spoke too soon...


----------



## kinverkid

That's a shame you're asking us to cease our freewheeling. We were all geared up to keep it up.


----------



## Inspector

You guys have derailed the joke thread and made it a pun thread. Shame on you.

Pete


----------



## Noel

Inspector said:


> You guys have derailed the joke thread and made it a pun thread. Shame on you.
> 
> Pete




You should man up.


----------



## JobandKnock

Noel said:


> You should man up.


That's job market shrinkage for you - I remember a time when it was Seven Up


----------



## mikej460

MARK.B. said:


> Gentlemen please no more  or we risk falling into a cycle from which there is only one way out and that my friends is rarely spoken about because it is tiresome and somewhat middle of the road in a pedestrian sort of way . Now if you will excuse me , i am off to polish my chopper


On yer bike...

With bells on


----------



## JobandKnock

Stan said:


> My dad was foreman of a department in a factory. He had an arrangement with the stores foreman for dealing with gobby new teenagers who knew it all. He would send them to the stores to ask for a "long stand".


They did it to me as well. I told my mate at college, so well primed, when he was told to go to the paint shop where he worked for a long stand by the gaffer, he told him where to go in no uncertain terms - for which he received a clip round the ear and some one to one instruction in Anglo-Saxon descriptive prose. It turned out the paint shop really did have stands made up for work in three heights off the floor - short, medium and long...


----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## Ttrees

A man after me own heart!


----------



## stuckinthemud

I knew a retired colliery bricklayer who when an apprentice hadn't noticed his gaffer was a lefty. Gaffer sent 'Prentice to the colliery store to get a left handed trowel. Smart Alec apprentice refused to go. Funny thing, after the "lesson" that came next he never forgot bricklayer's trowels are 'handed' (brick cutting edge), never argued about going to the stores, still hadn't forgotten the lesson....


----------



## Linus

Meanwhile, back on the joke thread!


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Smike

Blackswanwood said:


> View attachment 127843


I agree !!!


----------



## stuart little

ElizaTea said:


> Misunderstood


No, that was hit for 'The Animals'.


----------



## stuart little

Just as Santa set off on Christmas Eve, Mrs Clause told him to take his umbrella. "why?" said Santa;

"In case of rain dear!"


----------



## Jameshow

I was playing hide and seek the other night with my daughter, when I had a rather bad accident which resulted in me ending up on I C U......!


----------



## Stan

Young lad fresh out of college turns up at work for his first day. The miserable old g** of a foreman hands him a broom and tells him to sweep the floor.

Young lad: But, but I'm a graduate engineer!

Foreman: Ah, yes. Let me show you how.


----------



## Jameshow

Currently on sick-leave after dropping a kleenex box on my foot.
According to my physio, I've got soft tissue damage...


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Ozi

mikej460 said:


> so much so I have to take a seat


Now look what were saddled with


----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B

I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life... I wondering now if it's the same ring I put on when I got married...


----------



## Thingybob

Inspector said:


> You guys have derailed the joke thread and made it a pun thread. Shame on you.
> 
> Pete


Totaly agree with you Pete and the Morrissy replies belong in the Music History Thread we need laughts


----------



## TRITON

Im actually just putting this here to link to a different forum which is backward and cant allow easily uploaded pics


----------



## Phil Pascoe

Thingybob said:


> Totaly agree with you Pete and the Morrissy replies belong in the Music History Thread we need laughts


No. That's the last place Morissey belongs.


----------



## TRITON

The cause for dinosaur extinction has now been confirmed. It was a meteorite.


----------



## sploo

Doug B said:


> I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life... I wondering now if it's the same ring I put on when I got married...


Engagement ring
Wedding ring
Suffer... ring


----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## dzj

ElizaTea said:


> View attachment 128136


----------



## kinverkid

I've just come back from the doctors. I went to see her about a pain in my elbow. She told me 'you'll have to stop 'playing with yourself'. I asked why? She said she's trying to examine me.


----------



## Phil Pascoe

^^^ one of Jethro's.


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## llangatwgnedd




----------



## Noel

Blackswanwood said:


> View attachment 128152



See also Joe Lycett's version. Also Dominic Minghella.

And:


----------



## Robbo3

WOMAN'S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks.
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man, who'll make love to my mind.
He knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end.
And he'll always be my very best friend.

MAN'S POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a golf course.
I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a monkeys.


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## IZZY

Robbo3 said:


> WOMAN'S POEM
> 
> Before I lay me down to sleep,
> I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
> One who's handsome, smart and strong.
> One who loves to listen long.
> One who thinks before he speaks.
> One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
> I pray he's gainfully employed,
> When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
> Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
> Massages my back and begs to do more.
> Oh! Send me a man, who'll make love to my mind.
> He knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
> I pray that this man will love me to no end.
> And he'll always be my very best friend.
> 
> MAN'S POEM
> I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a golf course.
> I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a monkeys.


You missed the word 'sterile' before the word deaf.


----------



## stuart little

dzj said:


> View attachment 128072


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Droogs




----------



## Recky33

My dad was addicted to brake fluid, he said to me that he could stop anytime he liked


----------



## dzj

stuart little said:


>


You can imagine the thoughts going through his head.
Am I hallucinating? Am I going mad? Is it the work of the devil?
Should I share my finding with others? What if the bird doesn't speak when other people are around?
Do other animals also speak? Are they listening in on our conversations? Is it the end of speciesism?...

Amusing to consider, but strictly speaking, it's not a joke in the traditional sense.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## stuart little

Doug B said:


> View attachment 128203


WTF is Sue Gray?


----------



## Linus

stuart little said:


> WTF is Sue Gray?


Tell me you live in the Orkneys with no radio tv or newspapers!


----------



## mikej460

A woman purchases a parrot for only £5.

"Well, I must confess, it was brought up in a brothel," says the shopkeeper. "And, to put it politely, it has quite an extensive vocabulary."

"Never mind," says the woman. "At that price, I'll take it."

So she takes the parrot home, puts its cage in the living room and takes the cover off.

"New place - very nice," says the parrot.

Then the woman's two daughters walk in.

"New place, new girls - very nice," says the parrot.

Then the woman's husband walks in, and the parrot says, "Oh hello, Keith!"


----------



## stuart little

Linus said:


> Tell me you live in the Orkneys with no radio tv or newspapers!


I don't read newspapers, I no longer listen to the radio, nor do I watch the news - just my own choice.


----------



## Daniel2

stuart little said:


> I don't read newspapers, I no longer listen to the radio, nor do I watch the news - just my own choice.



A quick Google of "who is Sue Gray" will inform you.


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Fidget

stuart little said:


>



"Analysing comedy is like dissecting a frog. Nobody laughs and the frog dies" Barry Cryer. RIP


----------



## Doug B




----------



## selectortone




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Cozzer

stuart little said:


> WTF is Sue Gray?



Not for the first time, Stuart, but.....

Oh! Come _on_!


----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## IZZY

stuart little said:


> WTF is Sue Gray?


Yet another of the shades of grey that inhabit the ruling classes.


----------



## stuart little

Daniel2 said:


> A quick Google of "who is Sue Gray" will inform you.


Done that- still none the wiser!!


----------



## stuart little

selectortone said:


> View attachment 128242


Will there be a street party for the jubilee??


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Noel

Colin the Caterpillar


----------



## Doug B




----------



## daftdog

ElizaTea said:


> View attachment 128136


Show us what you made?


----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## ElizaTea

daftdog said:


> Show us what you made?



The only thing I’ve made is a habitat pile.


----------



## ElizaTea

stuart little said:


> Will there be a street party for the jubilee??


Yeah, outside No 10


----------



## Cordy

During last night's gale I shouted to the wife "Bring me some Tawny, Late Bottled Vintage or some Ruby"

Any port in a storm.....


----------



## Linus

“Vladimir Putin, to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids.
He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.
At the end of the talk there is a section for questions.
Little Sasha puts her hand up and says, "I have two questions. Why did the Russians take Crimea and why are we sending troops to the Ukraine?"
Putin says, "Good questions". But just as he is about to answer the bell goes and the kids go to lunch.
When they come back, they sit down and there is room for some more questions. Another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says "I have four questions. Why did the Russians invade Crimea, why are we sending troops to the Ukraine, why did the bell go 20 minutes early and where the f**! is Sasha?"


----------



## Southdownswolf




----------



## Robbo3




----------



## Thingybob

stuart little said:


> Will there be a street party for the jubilee??


Only at No 10


----------



## TRITON




----------



## Doug B




----------



## joethedrummer

Robbo3 said:


> View attachment 128385


,,it,s a training exercise,,


----------



## Phil Pascoe

Doug B said:


> View attachment 128387


Play the song backwards and it'll come back. Along with his wife, his dog and his bottle of whiskey.


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Phill05




----------



## Linus




----------



## Suffolkboy

..


----------



## Doug B




----------



## ElizaTea

Suffolkboy said:


> ..View attachment 128444


No income tax, no VAT
No money back, no guarantee
Black or white, rich or broke
We'll cut prices at a stroke……

Luvley jubbly!


----------



## AES

Doug B said:


> View attachment 128445



Sorry Doug B. Not a chance in hell!!  And definitely not while you - and I - inhabit this world mate


----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Daniel2

Doug B said:


> View attachment 128467



Aaaahhh.......Nooo !!


----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## Valhalla

Noel said:


> As mentioned here- Another Joke
> 
> Please ensure contributions do not contain risqué innuendo or images that might offend, remember and be aware that not everyone has the same sense of humour and a joke you may find funny, may cause insult or offence.
> Our members are from a varied demographic, age and gender, please keep that in mind.


Sadly - gone are the days when an Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub and the landlord says "Is this some kind of joke?"


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Sachakins

Doug B said:


> View attachment 128467


Poured out brown runny stuff in its previous life too


----------



## treeturner123

That's no way to talk about my mother's custard!

Phil


----------



## shed9

Sachakins said:


> Poured out brown runny stuff in its previous life too


Erm............ never mind, you'll figure it out when the time comes....


----------



## Doug B




----------



## stuart little

Doug B said:


> View attachment 128445


At least Toblerone made their chocolate bars to fit the boxes!


----------



## Droogs

If this little dog was to star in a remake of the Wizard of Oz, it would be a very short movie


----------



## Blackswanwood

Your browser is not able to display this video.


----------



## Doug B

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.
The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers
The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?”
"No," said the little boy, "It's a puppy.


----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## Terry - Somerset

RETIRED HUSBAND
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to John Lewis. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from John Lewis:
Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.


----------



## bushwhaker

Greta Thunberg after one term of MP in BG.


----------



## TRITON




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Jameshow

bushwhaker said:


> Greta Thunberg after one term of MP in BG.


BG???


----------



## stuart little

TRITON said:


> View attachment 128576


----------



## stuart little

bushwhaker said:


> Greta Thunberg after one term of MP in BG.


----------



## Linus

....and there was me believing that jokes were supposed to be funny and easily understood by the majority, rather than initiative tests to see how clever you can be? Or am I getting old? (Rhetorical, I know the answer to that!)


----------



## MARK.B.

When I walk to my local pub it takes 5 minutes to get there, when I walk home it takes around 45 minutes to 1 hour , the difference is truly staggering .


----------



## ElizaTea

Your browser is not able to display this video.


----------



## bushwhaker

Jameshow said:


> BG???





stuart little said:


>


BG=Bulgaria.


----------



## Phil Pascoe

Still no wiser - what's MP?


----------



## dzj




----------



## stuart little

bushwhaker said:


> BG=Bulgaria.


That's what I thought!


----------



## stuart little

Phil Pascoe said:


> Still no wiser - what's MP?


Member of Parliament?????


----------



## AES

stuart little said:


> Member of Parliament?????



Sorry folks, boring though it may be, I find myself in complete agreement with Phil Pascoe - and others. Let's take the Greta Thunberg "joke" as one example - she's Swedish I think. So why would she have anything to do with Bulgaria? And, QUOTE: "After one term OF MP" ... UNQUOTE (and my caps for the "OF"): How is any of this even logical (you can't be an MP OF anything can you)? To me it's not only not at all funny, it ain't even logical I don't think!

Ditto re the Dinosaurs and Reindeer and Comet above. OK, I'm old, and a thicko it seems, but really I just don't get that one either. Where's the joke?

But please don't bother to explain that if the "explanation" turns out to be just like the Greta Thunberg joke, 'cos I probably still won't get that one either.

So for the benefit of old fuddy duddies like me, can we please go back to funny jokes - preferably those with words in them (though I didn't get the cartoon with cats and "Potluck" either - no doubt something to do with cannabis, but I didn't get it - why do 3 cats each have a mouse necklace in the first pic but only 2 cats in the 2nd)?

But I DID enjoy the clip of BJ and his upside-down umbrella (even though I saw it on TV some time back), so there MAY be some hope for me yet?

BUT I guess you're going to have to write me off until I find some more that are - IMO - funny. (Like french fries in Wiltshire, which was not mine - I got it from ISIHAK - but which I posted here and which Robbo3 then pinched to re post a few weeks later)! 

But like it says in the rules, different folks have different ideas about what's funny/isn't funny.


----------



## Vann

AES said:


> Sorry folks, boring though it may be, I find myself in complete agreement with Phil Pascoe - and others...



Yes I think you've just confirmed that you are indeed an old fuddy duddy 



AES said:


> ...But I DID enjoy the clip of BJ and his upside-down umbrella...



Ahh, so that's what that was about. All I get is...






Cheers, Vann.


----------



## Blackswanwood

I think if we get into trying to define what’s funny this thread will quickly lose it’s appeal. 

IMHO it’s best just to raise an eyebrow at something I think is an unfunny attempt at humour and move on. The thing that really does wind me up is when I get sent a good meme and then find @Doug B has beat me to posting it


----------



## AES

Vann said:


> Yes I think you've just confirmed that you are indeed an old fuddy duddy
> 
> 
> 
> Ahh, so that's what that was about. All I get is...
> 
> View attachment 128607
> 
> 
> Cheers, Vann.



Well thanks for your agreement Vann - "It'll be your turn too one day my boy"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry you couldn't see the video clip mate. It was only BJ acting (being????) the clown once again. You didn't miss much.


----------



## AES

Blackswanwood said:


> I think if we get into trying to define what’s funny this thread will quickly lose it’s appeal.
> 
> IMHO it’s best just to raise an eyebrow at something I think is an unfunny attempt at humour and move on. The thing that really does wind me up is when I get sent a good meme and then find @Doug B has beat me to posting it



Yup, you're correct Blacksanwood, at the very least "in principle". The reason for my negative reaction to several of the "jokes" above, it that there has been a rather large crop of "funny" (but actually not funny at all IMO) "jokes" recently, and along with several other members, I chose to comment on that.

Just as you suggest, I don't usually bother myself, but IMO the "not at all funnies" have been exceeding the "funnies" recently .


----------



## selectortone

AES said:


> But I DID enjoy the clip of BJ and his upside-down umbrella (even though I saw it on TV some time back), so there MAY be some hope for me yet?


Sorry, who is BJ?





(Just kidding......)


----------



## Doug B




----------



## dzj

AES said:


> Yup, you're correct Blacksanwood, at the very least "in principle". The reason for my negative reaction to several of the "jokes" above, it that there has been a rather large crop of "funny" (but actually not funny at all IMO) "jokes" recently, and along with several other members, I chose to comment on that.
> 
> Just as you suggest, I don't usually bother myself, but IMO the "not at all funnies" have been exceeding the "funnies" recently .



Perhaps there should be a separate 'meme' thread. They're perhaps not to everyone's liking, as it often lacks the usual punchline jokes have.
As a newer form of humor/ amusement the older members wouldn't have to wrap their minds around a 'newfangled' concept.


----------



## Sachakins

A jokes a joke, if you don't get it, it's not the end of the world. Bit like art, not everyone gets Picasso, so does that make it rubbish, no, just not within your bounds of appreciation and there's nothing wrong with that.
It's just like some people found Bernard Manning offensive, but still liked Chubby Brown. 
If you don't like it fine but if I like it fine, please don't try and suppress stuff because you don't like it and I do, it's called freedom of choice, if that's decried then it's a road to Marxism.

If you think the above is not funny, that's your choice, but I think it's highly amusing on a satirical level.


----------



## Phil Pascoe

dzj said:


> As a newer form of humor/ amusement the older members wouldn't have to wrap their minds around a 'newfangled' concept.


It's not the "a newfangled concept" I have difficulty with it's the memes, cartoons, call them what you will - they are to me often impenetrable.


----------



## dzj

Phil Pascoe said:


> It's not the "a newfangled concept" I have difficulty with it's the memes, cartoons, call them what you will - they are to me often impenetrable.


Everyone gets stumped from time to time. Sometimes it's something one can relate to, sometimes it's not.
I don't follow politics much, so the contemporary political jokes/ cartoons fly by me. No big deal.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## stuart little

I've just emptied a Cockburns bottle, think I'll put a ship in it & call it :-

"A Ship in Port"!!!


----------



## TRITON




----------



## Doug B




----------



## PeteHB

I would remind everyone.
Analysing humour or a joke is like directing a frog nobody laughs or is interested and the frog dies.

Thanks to the late Barry Cryer and others.
Humour is not the same for everyone nor appreciated by all Bernard Manning taught us that.


----------



## Thingybob

AES said:


> Well thanks for your agreement Vann - "It'll be your turn too one day my boy"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> Sorry you couldn't see the video clip mate. It was only BJ acting (being????) the clown once again. You didn't miss much.


The jokes thread is ment to be light hearted and bring a smile to us all some may find one joke funny others not but if we all found the same things funny lifre would be boring, J ust post a joke and pass on if anybody dont get it its not the end of the world dont need a three page explanation .


----------



## Daniel2

If a joke needs explaining then it's already dead.
A shrug of the shoulders, and move on.
NEXT ......


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Doug B




----------



## nickds1

PeteHB said:


> I would remind everyone.
> Analysing humour or a joke is like directing a frog nobody laughs or is interested and the frog dies.


...perhaps that should be "dissecting"?

"Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog. You understand it better but the frog dies in the process."
E.B.White


----------



## John Brown

PeteHB said:


> I would remind everyone.
> Analysing humour or a joke is like directing a frog nobody laughs or is interested and the frog dies.
> 
> Thanks to the late Barry Cryer and others.
> Humour is not the same for everyone nor appreciated by all Bernard Manning taught us that.


I think it was "dissecting". The quote is generally attributed to E.B. White. Not that I'm putting Barry Cryer down, he was a very funny man.


----------



## John Brown

Apologies, I started typing my reply ages ago, and got diverted by grandchildren and a firmware update...


----------



## Yorkieguy

PeteHB said:


> I would remind everyone.
> Analysing humour or a joke is like directing a frog nobody laughs or is interested and the frog dies.
> 
> Thanks to the late Barry Cryer and others.
> Humour is not the same for everyone nor appreciated by all Bernard Manning taught us that.



Errrm, shouldn't that be 'dissecting'?


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Yorkieguy

AES said:


> Sorry folks, boring though it may be, I find myself in complete agreement with Phil Pascoe - and others.
> 
> Ditto re the Dinosaurs and Reindeer and Comet above. OK, I'm old, and a thicko it seems, but really I just don't get that one either. Where's the joke?



'Comet' was one of Santa's reindeers, but ('allegedly') dinosaurs became extinct when a comet hit the Earth, so I guess that a joke about comets made by a dinosaur to an audience of fellow dinosaurs, would go down as well as did the cartoon in this thread to some who viewed it. I quite like cryptic witticisms and irony, so it raised a smile with me and got my vote.


----------



## Cozzer

Doug B said:


> View attachment 128737




Brilliant!
And topical too!

Only yesterday was it reported that, in future, a million will be suffixed by "mn" as opposed to just m.
This is to tie in with a billion being noted as "bn", and a trillion being "tn"....
Apparently some folk were getting confused with metres, miles and millions.....

(And no, I don't understand that either...)


----------



## Thingybob

If we keep analizing every post we might as well turn this forum into a woodworkers site ( off topic is the thread not a mandatory to every post )


----------



## Jameshow

Here's a few to get us through the drought.....

My workmate from Warsaw has just got divorced from his childhood girlfriend,
he said they were Poles apart...
.................................................................


Me and the Mrs were in town earlier when this woman came over and said to her:

"Your husband reminds me of my cat"

"Don't tell me" she said "smooth, sleek and loyal?"

"No" she laughed "they both like sitting in the tree outside my bedroom window"
.....................................................................................................................................................................


What do you call an Irish man with acne?
Dermot Itis...
..........................................................


----------



## kinverkid

I was in the supermarket when an attractive lady came up to me and said 'You're the father of one of my children'. I frantically thought back to the only time I had been unfaithful. I said 'Were you the stripper that came to my stag-do who stripped me, bent me over the snooker table and slapped me with a wet lettuce leaf?' She said 'No, I'm a teacher. Your little boy is in my class.'


----------



## Linus

kinverkid said:


> I was in the supermarket when an attractive lady came up to me and said 'You're the father of one of my children'. I frantically thought back to the only time I had been unfaithful. I said 'Were you the stripper that came to my stag-do who stripped me, bent me over the snooker table and slapped me with a wet lettuce leaf?' She said 'No, I'm a teacher. Your little boy is in my class.'


Aaaah that's more like it. Keep them coming


----------



## Jameshow

It's OK for the government to take wine to work and have a good old time, but when I did it on the no 17 to Manchester passengers complained like ****.
One rule for ministers and their cronies but another for hard working bus drivers...
....................................................................................................................................................................


I'll believe a salad is "to die for" when someone on death-row chooses one for their last meal !
.............................................................................................................................................................................................


How do dragons blow out the candles on their birthday cakes?
...............................................................................................................................


The guy who invented Chinese Whispers has died.
Pass it on...
.....................................................................................................


----------



## Thingybob

Thats more like it after a hard day being sheparded round Ikea im in need of a good chuckle thanks lads


----------



## 1steven




----------



## kinverkid




----------



## TRITON

Was just reading a report in the local paper of someone who has been murdered using a belt sander.

The accused has said he didn't mean to kill him, he only meant
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
to rough him up a bit.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Ozi

John Brown said:


> Apologies, I started typing my reply ages ago, and got diverted by grandchildren and a firmware update...


I think directing was much funnier, assumed it was intentional


----------



## kinverkid

Ozi said:


> I think directing was much funnier, assumed it was intentional


I recognised the original quote and also realised that maybe the auto-correct had kicked in with the in-correct word. But, my vision of showing a frog to a busy road and its inevitable demise was funnier.


----------



## Jameshow

Most blokes own two to three pairs of shoes.
So what makes women think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, looks good with your dress?
...................................................................................................................................................................................................................................


Has anyone in Stoke lost a flat ginger cat and some flies?
They're on the A34 by Tesco...
..................................................................................................................


I could have been a boxer, just like my father.
He could have been a boxer too...
........................................................................................


Vegetable patches are pointless.
I can give up vegetables easily without them...
............................................................................................


What do you call a fat computer?

A Dell...
........................................................................


Worlds surfing championship in Tonga won by some bloke on a wardrobe...
................................................................................................................................................


My menopausal wife has done nothing but complain since we've moved next door to a brothel.
It must be the whor moans...
............................................................................................................................................


My email password has been hacked again.
That's the third time I've had to rename the cat...
........................................................................................................


The police knocked on my door this morning.
“Do the letters H.B. mean anything to you?” they asked.
“No, I said.”
“What about G.D. then?”
“No means nothing to me,” I said.
“How about A.J.?”
“Look,” I said, “am I suspected of something?”
“No sir.” They said, “These are just initial inquiries.”
........................................................................................................


Entomology professor; 'A single ant can live to be 29 years old Student; 'What about a married one?


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Jameshow

Precision.... 









Second-Hand Electric & Power Saws for Sale in Blandford Forum, Dorset | Gumtree


Discover amazing local deals on second-hand electric & power saws for sale in Blandford Forum, Dorset ✅ Shop hassle-free with Gumtree, your local buying & selling community.




www.gumtree.com


----------



## 1steven




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Steve Beck

1steven said:


> View attachment 128817


Flat out great tale!


----------



## kinverkid




----------



## Amateur

Posted in error


----------



## Amateur




----------



## Amateur

Sorry if its already been posted.


----------



## Jameshow




----------



## MorrisWoodman12

When a cat is dropped it always lands on it’s feet and when toast is dropped it always lands butter side down. Therefore if a slice of toast, buttered side up, is strapped to a cat’s back and the animal is then dropped, the two opposing forces will cause it to hover, spinning inches above the ground. If enough toast laden felines are used they could form the basis of a high-speed monorail system….. and then this email received a reply from one of it’s recipients:

I’ve been thinking about this cat/toast business for quite a while. In the buttered toast case it’s the butter that causes it to land buttered side down: it doesn’t have to be toast as the theory works perfectly well with Jacob’s crackers. To save money you just miss out the toast – and butter the cats. Also should there be an imbalance between the effects of cat and butter there are other substances that have a stronger affinity to carpet. The probability of carpet impact is is determined by the simple formula:

p = s * t(t) / tc,​
where p is the probability of harmful carpet impact,
s is the stain factor of the toast covering substance, which is an indicator of the efficacy of the toast topping in permanently staining the carpet. (Chicken Tikka Masala, for example, has a very high ‘s’ value while the ‘s’ value of water tends toward zero.)
t(t) and tc indicate the tone of the topping and the carpet.

The value of p is strongly related to the relationship between the colour of the carpet and the topping as even Chicken Tikka Masala will not cause an obvious, damaging stain if the carpet is the same colour. So it is obvious that the probability of carpet impact is maximised if you use Chicken Tikka Masala and a white carpet, _in fact this combination gives a p value of 1,_ which is the same as as the probability of a cat landing upon it’s feet. Therefore a cat with Chicken Tikka Masala will be certain to hover in mid air, while there could be problems with buttered toast as the toast may fall off the cat causing a terrible monorail crash. This will result in nauseating images of royal personages visiting accident victims in hospital, and politicians saying it wouldn’t have happened if their party had been in power as there would have been more investment into cat-toast-glue research. Therefore it is in the interests of public safety and sanity if the buttered-toast-on-cats idea is scrapped and replaced by a monorail powered by cats smeared with Chicken Tikka Masala, floating above a rail made from white shag carpet.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Zedgeezer

Doug B said:


> View attachment 128901


Please tell me this joke has been posted somewhere before, it seems to be so obvious, but sometimes you just need a bit of lateral thought. If it's original then full marks, you've got my vote!


----------



## Jameshow

Zedgeezer said:


> Please tell me this joke has been posted somewhere before, it seems to be so obvious, but sometimes you just need a bit of lateral thought. If it's original then full marks, you've got my vote!


Been round the internet more times the Greta and Attenborough have been round the world! Alot!!


----------



## Zedgeezer

Jameshow said:


> Been round the internet more times the Greta and Attenborough have been round the world! Alot!!


I suspected that, although I didn't realise Greta & Attenborough were now a couple. That image doesn't sit well with me!


----------



## sploo

MorrisWoodman12 said:


> When a cat is dropped it always lands on it’s feet and when toast is dropped it always lands butter side down...


The cats/buttered toast system has long been known as the propulsion method of all movie UFOs. It's the reason they always make that strange humming noise... meeeeeeeeeeeoow.


----------



## Thingybob

Zedgeezer said:


> I suspected that, although I didn't realise Greta & Attenborough were now a couple. That image doesn't sit well with me!


Is that not the new line in Tescos for the eco clothes wear range


----------



## dzj




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Linus

dzj said:


> View attachment 128909


Oh deer!


----------



## MorrisWoodman12

sploo said:


> The cats/buttered toast system has long been known as the propulsion method of all movie UFOs. It's the reason they always make that strange humming noise... meeeeeeeeeeeoow.


And not just UFOs. How about Japanese motorcycles and yobs (can we still call them that in this pc/woke age?) so called high performance cars?


----------



## Thingybob

Im joining the anti Vac protest its great to see more husbands are not happy when the wife decides to clean when theres something good on telly


----------



## sploo

MorrisWoodman12 said:


> And not just UFOs. How about Japanese motorcycles and yobs (can we still call them that in this pc/woke age?) so called high performance cars?


Ah, the One-point-f***-all-Vauxhall-Nova Massive.

I think there was a period about 20 years ago where UK housing was getting so expensive that lots of young men couldn't afford a home, so they lived with their parents and put their earnings into chav-boy special cars. I don't see quite so many drainpipe exhausts and lowered cars these days. I guess now the youngsters have so little money that they can't even afford to do that.


----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Thingybob

I see Boris has just changed his party whip he gone over to Angel Delight


----------



## John Brown

Thingybob said:


> I see Boris has just changed his party whip he gone over to Angle Delight


Gotta love those Pope Gregory the Great jokes...


----------



## SamG340




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Linus

Don't know if this should be here or misheard lyrics?


----------



## stuart little

Thingybob said:


> I see Boris has just changed his party whip he gone over to Angle Delight


----------



## TRITON




----------



## Jameshow

TRITON said:


> View attachment 128987


Or take the middle ground - Men's shed!!!


----------



## quintain

TRITON said:


> View attachment 128987


Or indeed for today's 'blue lighters' a cup of tea with crew mates, where the p*ss can be taken out of each other where this supportive action help them all to carry on doing their wonderful and difficult work.


----------



## Billy_wizz

Jameshow said:


> View attachment 128899


Not with hands that big lol


----------



## Phil Pascoe

stuart little said:


>


Angel Delight.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## SamG340




----------



## shed9




----------



## Amateur




----------



## Doug B




----------



## AES

Amateur said:


> View attachment 129021



In much the same vein, you may be interested to learn that the pretty big permanent exhibition centre in Bern (the capital BTW) is called Wankdorf (really)! And "dorf" BTW, is usually either a bit of a dummy or just about any small village here.


----------



## Recky33

It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had a really bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, which I died from." St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful, I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!" St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this; I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator....


----------



## Thingybob

Phil Pascoe said:


> Angel Delight.


Birds angel delight desert


----------



## niemeyjt

Not to be confused with getting acute pleasure from an obtuse situation - angle delight


----------



## Doug B

Just booked a table for Valentine’s Day for me & the wife.
Probably end in tears as she’s hopeless at snooker.


----------



## Phil Pascoe

niemeyjt said:


> Not to be confused with getting acute pleasure from an obtuse situation - angle delight


Do you need quick reflexes for that?


----------



## stuart little

Phil Pascoe said:


> Angel Delight.


AHA, 'typo' strikes again!


----------



## Thingybob

niemeyjt said:


> Not to be confused with getting acute pleasure from an obtuse situation - angle delight


Correct


----------



## Thingybob

Going to start a thread "What did you misspell in a post" seems to stir the members into reacting ( at least it got my reaction score up ) HaHa


----------



## Exluthier

AES said:


> In much the same vein, you may be interested to learn that the pretty big permanent exhibition centre in Bern (the capital BTW) is called Wankdorf (really)! And "dorf" BTW, is usually either a bit of a dummy or just about any small village here.



The correct spelling of the word for a bit of a dummy is actually Dof, and not `Dorf’ ...


----------



## Linus

I can do lateral thinking too!


----------



## Linus

....and for those who don't get it......


----------



## AES

Exluthier said:


> The correct spelling of the word for a bit of a dummy is actually Dof, and not `Dorf’ ...



Don't agree, sorry. Schwiezer Deutsch ("Dootsch"!) is not a written language, and dependant on whereabouts you are (Kanton or even town/village), a "dorfi" can be written in several ways. It's really only a slang term anyway, and as such, there's no "correct spelling" for the word when used in the "dummy" context. But I do agree, it can often be "Dof" (not to mention "Doof" too).

And come to think about it, a fairly common, (though old now I think) English slang expression for a bit of a dummy - AND sometimes for some sort of unknown apparatus - is "doofus".


----------



## Trainee neophyte

If we are on to amusing German words, "Einfahrt" and "Ausfahrt" have always entertained, (in fact any kind of fahrt at all) but my favourite has always been the German word for windscreen wipers: "shitenshiffter".


----------



## niemeyjt

AES said:


> Don't agree, sorry. Schwiezer Deutsch ("Dootsch"!) is not a written language, and dependant on whereabouts you are (Kanton or even town/village), a "dorfi" can be written in several ways. It's really only a slang term anyway, and as such, there's no "correct spelling" for the word when used in the "dummy" context. But I do agree, it can often be "Dof" (not to mention "Doof" too).



Perhaps some of the confusion is that Swiss German is not the same as German German - any more than Swiss French is the same as French French this side of the rostigraben.

But - can you say the Swiss German word for a kitchen cabinet like a real Swiss? (this was a wind-up of the German frontaliers in the Basel office).


----------



## AES

niemeyjt said:


> Perhaps some of the confusion is that Swiss German is not the same as German German - any more than Swiss French is the same as French French this side of the rostigraben.
> 
> But - can you say the Swiss German word for a kitchen cabinet like a real Swiss? (this was a wind-up of the German frontaliers in the Basel office).



Actually, my attempt at "Küchicastelli" is, I'm told, "not too bad" - for a Brit that is! (My wife, who's a "proper" Swiss BTW, taught me. BUT she was born in Kanton TG and grew up in Kanton ZR, so what she thinks is "proper" isn't what the Baseler Dootsch think is correct)!

And "Swiss German" is not the same as "German German" because, as said already, Swiss German isn't an actual language with "proper" written words, it's a dialect (or more properly, LOTS of dialects). AND, BTW, I THINK that "Röstigraben" is also not a "proper" word but a bit of local "N v S" or perhaps "E v W" slang.

But what's "Geordie" BTW? A language? It certainly has it's own words.

@Trainee neophyte: Yeah, I like "Dienstfahrt" (you see it on a lot of buses when they're on the way back to the depot or something). I've NEVER found out where that place "Dienst" is! 

But I guess we should stop all this - for those not familiar it must be boring - like when my eyes glaze over when it comes to anything Frogish.


----------



## Stan

Thingybob said:


> Correct



non angli sed angeli


----------



## Terry - Somerset

It came as something of a surprise to my good lady many years ago when driving through Europe to find there were so many towns and villages in France called "Rappel" (frequently fixed to a pole with a number below)


----------



## Yojevol

Trainee neophyte said:


> If we are on to amusing German words, "Einfahrt" and "Ausfahrt" have always entertained, (in fact any kind of fahrt at all) but my favourite has always been the German word for windscreen wipers: "shitenshiffter".


On our first camping holiday in Germany/Austria our daughters were noting the town names as we progressed down the autobahn. In all innocence they noted that the city of Ausfahrt was awfully big
Brian


----------



## gcusick

Terry - Somerset said:


> It came as something of a surprise to my good lady many years ago when driving through Europe to find there were so many towns and villages in France called "Rappel" (frequently fixed to a pole with a number below)


And there’s also that chain of Hotels de Ville, that seems to have branches absolu everywhere in France!


----------



## John Brown

Stan said:


> non angli sed angeli


I already mentioned that....


----------



## TRITON

I only came in looking for the latest rib tickling joke, only to find a language discussion going on


----------



## mikej460

John Brown said:


> I already mentioned that....


Looked it up ad discovered that Sassenach is Gaelic for Saxon which is interesting as I always thought it meant Englishman or twit...and not the caber kind


----------



## Phil Pascoe

Sawsnek.


----------



## Jameshow

Booked a table for me and the Mrs for valentine's Day..... 

Only problem is she cannot hold a cue!!!


----------



## TRITON

Jameshow said:


> Booked a table for me and the Mrs for valentine's Day.....
> 
> Only problem is she cannot hold a cue!!!



Sorry James, we've just had that joke.



Doug B said:


> Just booked a table for Valentine’s Day for me & the wife.
> Probably end in tears as she’s hopeless at snooker.


----------



## Thingybob

TRITON said:


> I only came in looking for the latest rib tickling joke, only to find a language discussion going on


Sorry Triton my fault mixed up my angel with my angle But dont they go off joke topic easy here


----------



## Robbo3

Physics Exam

This legend, the truth of which is not necessarily related to its value, concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen: "Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer."

One student replied: "Tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building."

This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed immediately.

He appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics.

To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics.

For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use.

On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:

"Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer.

"Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper.

"But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi sq root(l / g).

"Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up.

"If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building.

"But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this building'." 

The student was Niels Bohr, the only Dane to win the Nobel prize for Physics.


----------



## ian33a

On the subject of words and translation, I spent about 18 months commuting weekly to a customer in Hamburg back in the 90's. I got really friendly with many of the engineers at the factory where I was working and they loved to practice their English. They also had great humour, which is a surprise given the stereotypical image that Germans portray.

Anyway, what really creased me up over and over again (and them too once they understood) is how obscure things were translated from German to English. German has lots of literal words to describe everything rather than fewer words used or pronounced in different ways. So, as a few examples:

We were discussing gardening one day and one engineer was discussing the "flower onions" in his garden ..... or "bulbs" as we would call them.

Another day I was told that one chap was having his "dust pipe" cleaned at the weekend .... after a while I discovered that he was referring to his "chimney".

And in a difficult discussion at management level one day the manager said "I need to under break you". I looked in surprise while his subordinates were sniggering. "Unterbrechen" means interrupt.

And before going out for a session on the town one night an English colleague made a note of the road where his hotel was located. Several hours and several Mass of beer later he rolled into a taxi and slurred the name of the road "Einbahn Strasse bitte" .... or in English "One way street please". It took some time to find his hotel.


----------



## kinverkid




----------



## Jameshow

TRITON said:


> Sorry James, we've just had that joke.


I was only trying to end the joke drought!!


----------



## paulrbarnard

Thingybob said:


> Sorry Triton my fault mixed up my angel with my angle But dont they go off joke topic easy here


It worked for me, what with being dyslexic. 
My wife often says “voice of angel” to which I reply “angle grinder?”


----------



## Phil Pascoe

Dyslexics lure, KO!


----------



## stuart little

Trainee neophyte said:


> If we are on to amusing German words, "Einfahrt" and "Ausfahrt" have always entertained, (in fact any kind of fahrt at all) but my favourite has always been the German word for windscreen wipers: "shitenshiffter".


That sounds like slang. According to VW, their translation is; ;Wischerblatt'. It says so on the box!


----------



## Gary_S

Exluthier said:


> The correct spelling of the word for a bit of a dummy is actually Dof, and not `Dorf’ ...


Except in Switer Dootch which isn't a written language. Hence my spelling of it


----------



## stuart little

kinverkid said:


> View attachment 129142


A skeletal hand holding a rusty old thingy! A lamp?


----------



## AES

Gary_S said:


> Except in Switer Dootch which isn't a written language. Hence my spelling of it



Suggest you look back a couple of pages in this thread Gary.


----------



## shed9

stuart little said:


> A skeletal hand holding a rusty old thingy! A lamp?


It's a 'Daddy issue' thing......


----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## user 35805

Trainee neophyte said:


> If we are on to amusing German words, "Einfahrt" and "Ausfahrt" have always entertained, (in fact any kind of fahrt at all) but my favourite has always been the German word for windscreen wipers: "shitenshiffter".


I thought it was SCHEIBENWISCHER? Although it would be funnier if your version was correct.


----------



## joethedrummer

ElizaTea said:


> View attachment 129144


best give her that card after she"s cooked dinner


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Fidget




----------



## TRITON

paulrbarnard said:


> It worked for me, what with being dyslexic.
> My wife often says “voice of angel” to which I reply “angle grinder?”


Or Angel grinder.
Often the result of Tinder.



stuart little said:


> A skeletal hand holding a rusty old thingy! A lamp?


Starwars. It previously belonged to Luke Skywalker.

Apologies to Shed for spoiling his cryptic answer.


----------



## Cozzer

TRITON said:


> Or Angel grinder.
> Often the result of Tinder.
> 
> 
> Starwars. It previously belonged to Luke Skywalker.
> 
> Apologies to Shed for spoiling his cryptic answer.




Wait for it! Wait for it!

"I don't watch TV...I don't read newspapers....and who is Luke Skywalker?"!


----------



## ElizaTea

joethedrummer said:


> best give her that card after she"s cooked dinner


Using Tesco ’value’ ingredients


----------



## AES

BrianDevon said:


> I thought it was SCHEIBENWISCHER? Although it would be funnier if your version was correct.




It is. But that's the whole windscreen wiper (arm + boss + blade). The windscreen wiper blade is actually "scheibenwischerblatt". But his version IS funnier, even if incorrect.


----------



## Jameshow

Was thinking a getting a startrite but then I saw this......








Mini 96w Multifunctional Precision Table Saw DIY Model Household Chainsaw W1 for sale online | eBay


Find many great new & used options and get the best deals for Mini 96w Multifunctional Precision Table Saw DIY Model Household Chainsaw W1 at the best online prices at eBay! Free delivery for many products!



www.ebay.co.uk


----------



## Trainee neophyte

AES said:


> But his version IS funnier, even if incorrect.


It's completely made-up nonsense, this being the joke thread. About 100 years ago, pre-internet, I was given a sheet of paper with a list of English to "German" translations. The windscreen wipers are the only one I remember, but there were loads of other Pig - German (and I mean that in the made up, Pig - Latin sense, not as abuse) silliness in the list. Unfortunately it would seem that it didn't make it to the internet, or it is too racist and therefore Google won't recognise it.


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Phil Pascoe

Cozzer said:


> Wait for it! Wait for it!
> 
> "I don't watch TV...I don't read newspapers....and who is Luke Skywalker?"!


I rarely watch films - who is Luke Skywalker?


----------



## kinverkid




----------



## Jameshow




----------



## kinverkid




----------



## Robbo3

Translation

A cabinet minister & his snobbish wife were entertaining some French politicians & their wives after trade negotiations.
When dining had finished & the men retired for brandy & cigars, the cabinet ministers wife, wanting to espouse her higher rank & superiority, said to her French counterpart, "Ma marie est sur votre marie dans le cabinet." which translates literally as "My husband is on your husband in the toilet"


----------



## Fergie 307

Trainee neophyte said:


> If we are on to amusing German words, "Einfahrt" and "Ausfahrt" have always entertained, (in fact any kind of fahrt at all) but my favourite has always been the German word for windscreen wipers: "shitenshiffter".


or Barberskum, shaving foam to you and I.


----------



## Fergie 307

gcusick said:


> And there’s also that chain of Hotels de Ville, that seems to have branches absolu everywhere in France!


love the one in Le Mans, they have a big bronze plaque on the wall, and at the bottom it explains that it is a replica as the original was stolen by the Germans !


----------



## gregmcateer

Zedgeezer said:


> I suspected that, although I didn't realise Greta & Attenborough were now a couple. That image doesn't sit well with me!





Robbo3 said:


> Translation
> 
> A cabinet minister & his snobbish wife were entertaining some French politicians & their wives after trade negotiations.
> When dining had finished & the men retired for brandy & cigars, the cabinet ministers wife, wanting to espouse her higher rank & superiority, said to her French counterpart, "Ma marie est sur votre marie dans le cabinet." which translates literally as "My husband is on your husband in the toilet"



I like the story, but my pedantic mother would insist it should have been "mon mari", not "ma marie" 
Sorry. Hat, coat...


----------



## Doug B




----------



## WoodchipWilbur

gregmcateer said:


> I like the story, but my pedantic mother would insist it should have been "mon mari", not "ma marie"
> Sorry. Hat, coat...


She'd got pretty well everything else wrong, so "ma marie" will be a perfectly correct quote of what she said.


----------



## Linus

How did this get to be a language thread????


----------



## niemeyjt

Trainee neophyte said:


> It's completely made-up nonsense, this being the joke thread. About 100 years ago, pre-internet, I was given a sheet of paper with a list of English to "German" translations. The windscreen wipers are the only one I remember, but there were loads of other Pig - German (and I mean that in the made up, Pig - Latin sense, not as abuse) silliness in the list. Unfortunately it would seem that it didn't make it to the internet, or it is too racist and therefore Google won't recognise it.



This one?

Indicators....Die Blinkenleiten Tickentocken

Bonnet......Pullnob und Knucklechopper

Exhaust Pipe.... Spitzenpoppenbangentuben

Speedometer..... Der Egobooster und Linenshooter

Clutch...... Die Kuplink mit schlippen und schaken

Puncture........Die Phlatt mit bludyphucken

Parking meter........... Der Tennerpinscher und klockenwerr

Windscreen Wiper .... Der Flippenflappenmuchenschpredder

Foot Brake............ Der Edbangeronvindschreen Stoppenkwik

Gear Lever......... Biggensticken fur kangaroochoppen

Breathalyser...........Die Puffinintem fur pistenarsen

Rear View Mirror......... Der Yokhunter Tecklosen

Seat Belt........... Der Klunkenklikker Fraulinestopper

Headlights........... Der Dippendontdazzelubastad

Exhaust Fumes............... Der Koffenundschpittpoluter

Traffic Jam.....Die Bluddifukkink Dammundblast

Rear Seat...........Der Schpringentester

Tyres.........Flattfahrts

Backfire.......Der Lowdenbangenmekkejumpen

Juggernaut........ Der Phukkengrett Trukken

Accident..... Der Bledinmess

Near Accident.............. Der Fukken Near Schittenselfen

Garage.......Der Heiway Robberung

Cyclist...........Der Pedallpushink Pilloken

Skid........Der Banannan Waltzen

Double White Lines........Overtaken und Krunchen


----------



## stuart little

Who are Greta & Attenborough?


----------



## stuart little

niemeyjt said:


> This one?
> 
> Indicators....Die Blinkenleiten Tickentocken
> 
> Bonnet......Pullnob und Knucklechopper
> 
> Exhaust Pipe.... Spitzenpoppenbangentuben
> 
> Speedometer..... Der Egobooster und Linenshooter
> 
> Clutch...... Die Kuplink mit schlippen und schaken
> 
> Puncture........Die Phlatt mit bludyphucken
> 
> Parking meter........... Der Tennerpinscher und klockenwerr
> 
> Windscreen Wiper .... Der Flippenflappenmuchenschpredder
> 
> Foot Brake............ Der Edbangeronvindschreen Stoppenkwik
> 
> Gear Lever......... Biggensticken fur kangaroochoppen
> 
> Breathalyser...........Die Puffinintem fur pistenarsen
> 
> Rear View Mirror......... Der Yokhunter Tecklosen
> 
> Seat Belt........... Der Klunkenklikker Fraulinestopper
> 
> Headlights........... Der Dippendontdazzelubastad
> 
> Exhaust Fumes............... Der Koffenundschpittpoluter
> 
> Traffic Jam.....Die Bluddifukkink Dammundblast
> 
> Rear Seat...........Der Schpringentester
> 
> Tyres.........Flattfahrts
> 
> Backfire.......Der Lowdenbangenmekkejumpen
> 
> Juggernaut........ Der Phukkengrett Trukken
> 
> Accident..... Der Bledinmess
> 
> Near Accident.............. Der Fukken Near Schittenselfen
> 
> Garage.......Der Heiway Robberung
> 
> Cyclist...........Der Pedallpushink Pilloken
> 
> Skid........Der Banannan Waltzen
> 
> Double White Lines........Overtaken und Krunchen


There's also a 'Learn Chinese' one out there.


----------



## Jameshow

stuart little said:


> Who are Greta & Attenborough?


Where have you been hermit!!


----------



## stuart little

Jameshow said:


> Where have you been hermit!!


Self-'insulating', I feel a bit like a hermit, mate.


----------



## Garden Shed Projects

What’s the difference between people from Dubai and people from Abu Dhabi?









People from Dubai don’t like the Flintstones but Abu Dhabi do?


----------



## Garden Shed Projects

Who are the Flintstones????


----------



## AES

niemeyjt said:


> This one?
> 
> Indicators....Die Blinkenleiten Tickentocken
> 
> Bonnet......Pullnob und Knucklechopper
> 
> Exhaust Pipe.... Spitzenpoppenbangentuben
> 
> Speedometer..... Der Egobooster und Linenshooter
> 
> Clutch...... Die Kuplink mit schlippen und schaken
> 
> Puncture........Die Phlatt mit bludyphucken
> 
> Parking meter........... Der Tennerpinscher und klockenwerr
> 
> Windscreen Wiper .... Der Flippenflappenmuchenschpredder
> 
> Foot Brake............ Der Edbangeronvindschreen Stoppenkwik
> 
> Gear Lever......... Biggensticken fur kangaroochoppen
> 
> Breathalyser...........Die Puffinintem fur pistenarsen
> 
> Rear View Mirror......... Der Yokhunter Tecklosen
> 
> Seat Belt........... Der Klunkenklikker Fraulinestopper
> 
> Headlights........... Der Dippendontdazzelubastad
> 
> Exhaust Fumes............... Der Koffenundschpittpoluter
> 
> Traffic Jam.....Die Bluddifukkink Dammundblast
> 
> Rear Seat...........Der Schpringentester
> 
> Tyres.........Flattfahrts
> 
> Backfire.......Der Lowdenbangenmekkejumpen
> 
> Juggernaut........ Der Phukkengrett Trukken
> 
> Accident..... Der Bledinmess
> 
> Near Accident.............. Der Fukken Near Schittenselfen
> 
> Garage.......Der Heiway Robberung
> 
> Cyclist...........Der Pedallpushink Pilloken
> 
> Skid........Der Banannan Waltzen
> 
> Double White Lines........Overtaken und Krunchen




OK. "TN" and "niemeyjt" have re-started this, so for once it's not me who's responsible for this thread drift (back) into quaint German language stuff.

Yesterday evening on our TV main evening news, even before the headlines, this one word appeared on the screen in big lettering:

GOLDFAHRT

It was announcing that Italian-Swiss skier Lara Gut-Behrami (a very attractive looking young lady BTW, if you haven't already noticed) had won Gold in the Super G races in Beijing.


----------



## Exluthier

Gary_S said:


> Except in Switer Dootch which isn't a written language. Hence my spelling of it



Accepted, but the issue is one of pronunciation, not spelling. No speaker of either Swiss German (of any Canton) or of any German variant could make the word Dorf sound like Dov. There’s a great big rhotic (or guttural, in some dialects) ‘R’ sound in the middle of it, and the O vowel sound is different in both.


----------



## AES

Exluthier said:


> Accepted, but the issue is one of pronunciation, not spelling. No speaker of either Swiss German (of any Canton) or of any German variant could make the word Dorf sound like Dov. There’s a great big rhotic (or guttural, in some dialects) ‘R’ sound in the middle of it, and the O vowel sound is different in both.



AND it's v difficult to write phonetically - to "accurately" portray the sound you're trying to "show".


----------



## Linus

I think I'll start a joke thread. Anyone agree?


----------



## Pedronicus

Linus said:


> I think I'll start a joke thread. Anyone agree?


Or ask the mods for a new "Language" thread!


----------



## Phill05

Pedronicus said:


> Or ask the mods for a new "Language" thread!



+1 bring back the Joke's


----------



## niemeyjt




----------



## dzj




----------



## Thingybob

Linus said:


> I think I'll start a joke thread. Anyone agree?


Yes yes yes yes yes yes please do


----------



## Zedgeezer

stuart little said:


> Who are Greta & Attenborough?


So they can get an internet connection in Outer Mongolia!


----------



## strat

Two Priests decided to go to Thailand on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests. For once, they'denjoy a vacation as regular people.
As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on the beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a bikini came walking straight towards them.
They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good morning, Father,' and 'Good morning, Father.', nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said: 'Good morning, Father,' and 'Good morning, Father.' and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?' 'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'
'Father, it's me,' she replied, 'Sister Philomena!'


----------



## strat

You can kiss a Nun but don't get into the habit.


----------



## strat

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said "I was cleaning in the fathers room the other day, and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines."
"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.
"Well, of course I threw them in the trash."
The second nun said, "Well I can top that. I was in the fathers room putting away the laundry, and I found a bunch of condoms!"
"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?"
"I poked holes in all of them!"
The third nun fainted.


----------



## strat

Before I met my wife, I was incomplete

Now I'm finished


----------



## strat

A sperm donor, a carpenter and Julius Caesar Walked into a bar.

He came, he saw, he conquered.


----------



## TRITON

strat said:


> You can kiss a Nun but don't get into the habit.


Why are Nuns called Nuns.

The get Nun.


----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## Linus




----------



## TomW

Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One says to the other 'can you smell a fish?'


----------



## mikej460

Two circus lions were eating a clown when one says to the other 'does this taste funny to you?'


----------



## kinverkid




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Linus




----------



## SamG340




----------



## 1steven




----------



## Ozi

TomW said:


> Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One says to the other 'can you smell a fish?'


One snowman to another "Can you smell carrots"


----------



## Doug B




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## SamG340




----------



## stuart little

Garden Shed Projects said:


> Who are the Flintstones????


You're as bad as me!


niemeyjt said:


> This one?
> 
> Indicators....Die Blinkenleiten Tickentocken
> 
> Bonnet......Pullnob und Knucklechopper
> 
> Exhaust Pipe.... Spitzenpoppenbangentuben
> 
> Speedometer..... Der Egobooster und Linenshooter
> 
> Clutch...... Die Kuplink mit schlippen und schaken
> 
> Puncture........Die Phlatt mit bludyphucken
> 
> Parking meter........... Der Tennerpinscher und klockenwerr
> 
> Windscreen Wiper .... Der Flippenflappenmuchenschpredder
> 
> Foot Brake............ Der Edbangeronvindschreen Stoppenkwik
> 
> Gear Lever......... Biggensticken fur kangaroochoppen
> 
> Breathalyser...........Die Puffinintem fur pistenarsen
> 
> Rear View Mirror......... Der Yokhunter Tecklosen
> 
> Seat Belt........... Der Klunkenklikker Fraulinestopper
> 
> Headlights........... Der Dippendontdazzelubastad
> 
> Exhaust Fumes............... Der Koffenundschpittpoluter
> 
> Traffic Jam.....Die Bluddifukkink Dammundblast
> 
> Rear Seat...........Der Schpringentester
> 
> Tyres.........Flattfahrts
> 
> Backfire.......Der Lowdenbangenmekkejumpen
> 
> Juggernaut........ Der Phukkengrett Trukken
> 
> Accident..... Der Bledinmess
> 
> Near Accident.............. Der Fukken Near Schittenselfen
> 
> Garage.......Der Heiway Robberung
> 
> Cyclist...........Der Pedallpushink Pilloken
> 
> Skid........Der Banannan Waltzen
> 
> Double White Lines........Overtaken und Krunchen


Here's a bit of Spanish:-
Si senora derdeygo, fortez lorez inarow
Demaint lorez, derar trux
Fulof ensa cowsan dux.


----------



## ElizaTea

stuart little said:


> You're as bad as me!
> 
> Here's a bit of Spanish:-
> Si senora derdeygo, fortez lorez inarow
> Demaint lorez, derar trux
> Fulof ensa cowsan dux.


Qué


----------



## loftyhermes

stuart little said:


> You're as bad as me!
> 
> Here's a bit of Spanish:-
> Si senora derdeygo, fortez lorez inarow
> Demaint lorez, derar trux
> Fulof ensa cowsan dux.


It's a long time since I've come across that one, I first knew of it over 30 years ago.


----------



## Recky33

The dog ran off last night, I walked round the park calling his name for 20 mins & still couldn't find him, The wife said I should look harder, so I shaved my head and got a tatoo, still can't find the sod


----------



## SamG340




----------



## Phil Pascoe

stuart little said:


> You're as bad as me!
> 
> Here's a bit of Spanish:-
> Si senora derdeygo, fortez lorez inarow
> Demaint lorez, derar trux
> Fulof ensa cowsan dux.


Latin. 
Civile si ergo 
forte osses in ero
gnosses mari
thebe trux
vatis inem causan dux.

Perfect pronunciation, nonsensical words.


----------



## TRITON

Phil Pascoe said:


> Latin.
> Civile si ergo
> forte osses in ero
> gnosses mari
> thebe trux
> vatis inem causan dux.
> 
> Perfect pronunciation, nonsensical words.


This is basque. 
"
Si senora derdeygo, fortez lorez inarow
Demaint lorez, derar trux
Fulof ensa cowsan dux. "
But as you say, word salad. Might be incorrectly spelt


----------



## stuart little

loftyhermes said:


> It's a long time since I've come across that one, I first knew of it over 30 years ago.


It must be about 50 yrs since I first saw it. But why can't I remember something i heard 2 days ago?


----------



## smiles2life

loftyhermes said:


> It's a long time since I've come across that one, I first knew of it over 30 years ago.


I was telling that at primary school - 60 years ago!
and it was my grandad told it to me!!


----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## Noel

Do not eat soap.


----------



## Jameshow

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.

The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be £6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be £12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress.

"That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."


----------



## Noel

Should I give my wife a single rose, 6 roses or a dozen today?





















Or the whole box?


----------



## Alli

Noel said:


> Should I give my wife a single rose, 6 roses or a dozen today?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Or the whole box?



Depends on how many are left!!!!!


----------



## stuart little

Alli said:


> Depends on how many are left!!!!!


Give her one & tell her the rest will grow on her.


----------



## J-G

loftyhermes said:


> It's a long time since I've come across that one, I first knew of it over 30 years ago.


More like 70 years for me. Even though there are three errors 
'Fortez' should be 'forte', 
'derar' > 'demar' 
and 
'ensa' > 'ensan' 
- then it makes proper sense.


----------



## Phil Pascoe

stuart little said:


> Give her one & tell her the rest will grow on her.


No need for crudity.


----------



## Jameshow

Today is the day we take out the one we love the most!

Question is which bike do I take!


----------



## Noel

Alli said:


> Depends on how many are left!!!!!




Guarantee it'll be the toffee ones left.


----------



## Phil Pascoe

Jameshow said:


> Today is the day we take out the one we love the most!
> 
> Question is which bike do I take!


Take your wife. Leave the bikes for friday nights.


----------



## Jameshow

I've brought her 12 roses..... 

If she goes to bed before me, I'm eating the rest of the tub!!!


----------



## Trainee neophyte




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## SamG340




----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## dzj




----------



## DrPhill

In the index of a book on programming there were two definitions:
*Circular definition: see definition, circular*
and
*Definition, circular: see circular definition.*
Those were the only mentions of those terms in the book.


----------



## Just4Fun

Similar to the definition of recursion which said "see recursion".


----------



## Zedgeezer

Phil Pascoe said:


> I rarely watch films - who is Luke Skywalker?


Man walks into a bar, asks for a beer, the barman says "What's beer?"
Man says " You should go on ukworkshop.co.uk, your brother is always posting on it!


----------



## Zedgeezer

Phil Pascoe said:


> Latin.
> Civile si ergo
> forte osses in ero
> gnosses mari
> thebe trux
> vatis inem causan dux.
> 
> Perfect pronunciation, nonsensical words.



Amo, Amas, Amat, Amamus, Amatis, Amant, I decline to answer this comment! Maybe a certain type of person to bother replying to this?


----------



## Keith Cocker

Zedgeezer said:


> Amo, Amas, Amat, Amamus, Amatis, Amant, I decline to answer this comment! Maybe a certain type of person to bother replying to this?



i remember one from The Two Ronnies as Germans

F U N E X
S V F D X


----------



## Phil Pascoe

I remember at twelve a lad asking the English master what "obnoxious" meant. Obnoxious is what you are, Williams.


----------



## Blackswanwood

For the past 20 years I've received a Valentines card from the same secret admirer. So I was pretty upset when I didn't get one this year. First my granny dies and now this.


----------



## niall Y

Surprised no one has resurrected this one.... so here goes -

Caesar adsum iam forte
Pompey aderat
Caesar sic in omnibus
Pompey sic in at


----------



## woodhutt

similar to

Caesar ad aderat forte
Brutus adsum jam
Caesar sic in omnibus
Brutus sic in tram


----------



## Lefley




----------



## Phil Pascoe

That one was done a few pages ago.


----------



## treeturner123

So the odds of two jokes saying the same thing are now quite high!!

Phil


----------



## Lefley

Phil Pascoe said:


> That one was done a few pages ago.


Thanks for pointing that out. I don’t have time to read 118 pages of jokes ( I wish I did) before I post. So I quess the easy solution is not to post.


----------



## Yorkieguy

Don't do that - it's worth repeating and the old 'uns are the best anyway.

A golfer and his wife were together with another golfer chum and his wife. The two guys were talking about golf as always, the wives were taking about other matters. One golfer remarked to his chum that 'he'd derive greater pleasure from getting a hole in one that from having fantastic orgasmic sex with his wife'. His wife, in overhearing the remark said 'the odds of either happening were about the same'.

See. 

I heard that in the school playground back in 1953 when I was 14 and I still think it's funny.


----------



## Jameshow

Yorkieguy said:


> Don't do that - it's worth repeating and the old 'uns are the best anyway.
> 
> A golfer and his wife were together with another golfer chum and his wife. The two guys were talking about golf as always, the wives were taking about other matters. One golfer remarked to his chum that 'he'd derive greater pleasure from getting a hole in one that from having fantastic orgasmic sex with his wife'. His wife, in overhearing the remark said 'the odds of either happening were about the same'.
> 
> See.
> 
> I heard that in the school playground back in 1953 when I was 14 and I still think it's funny.



I played a round of golf last week with my buddy and a funeral procession went by, I had to stop and pay my dues before sinking he next hole...My... your so thoughtful he said....

Not at all I replied we were married for 38yrs....! 

The oldies are best!!


----------



## mikej460

Zedgeezer said:


> Amo, Amas, Amat, Amamus, Amatis, Amant, I decline to answer this comment! Maybe a certain type of person to bother replying to this?



And in the words of that other fine lyricist, John Lennon:

“Amo, amas, amat,
A monk, a mink, a minibus”


----------



## Thingybob

Phil Pascoe said:


> That one was done a few pages ago.


Bit like warching Mock the week on Dave


----------



## Thingybob

Lefley said:


> Thanks for pointing that out. I don’t have time to read 118 pages of jokes ( I wish I did) before I post. So I quess the easy solution is not to post.


Ooooooooh


----------



## Thingybob

mikej460 said:


> And in the words of that other fine lyricist, John Lennon:
> 
> “Amo, amas, amat,
> A monk, a mink, a minibus”


I now know why Latin is a dead language unless you want a top job in government. Ha Ha


----------



## Thingybob

Thingybob said:


> Bit like warching Mock the week on Dave


I know typo error before we start the angle/angel thing again . Its my new Devon accent


----------



## Phil Pascoe

> The inventor Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your Motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of women? "God said, "Ah, yes. " "Well, " said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention." God was somewhat taken back, and when He asked what the flaws might be, Arthur Davidson produced a list for Him to read.





> 1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions.





> 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.





> 3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.





> 4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust and finally,





> 5. The maintenance costs are outrageous. "Hmmmm, you may have some good points there and it may be true that My invention is flawed... " God said to Arthur. "But the last time that I checked, more men are riding My invention than yours."


----------



## SamG340

> Oh the Grand Old Duke Of York
> He had 20 million quid
> He gave it to an American girl
> For something "he never did"


----------



## Zedgeezer

mikej460 said:


> And in the words of that other fine lyricist, John Lennon:
> 
> “Amo, amas, amat,
> A monk, a mink, a minibus”


That's a fail at GCSE O Level then, although who on earth takes that exam these days?


----------



## mikej460

Zedgeezer said:


> That's a fail at GCSE O Level then, although who on earth takes that exam these days?


quite, I dropped it in 4th year


----------



## Robbo3

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of milk, 
A carton of eggs, 
A quart of orange juice, 
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and 
A 1 lb. package of bacon.

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."


----------



## Phil Pascoe

Zedgeezer said:


> That's a fail at GCSE O Level then, although who on earth takes that exam these days?


Other than woodwork it's the only one I took that's been any use.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## SamG340




----------



## bushwhaker

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church, by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives, in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.

He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing. "We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the bloody R!" His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old Abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies, "The word was... CELEBRATE!"


----------



## IZZY

Zedgeezer said:


> Amo, Amas, Amat, Amamus, Amatis, Amant, I decline to answer this comment! Maybe a certain type of person to bother replying to this?


The only verb I learned during 2 years of LATIN at school. First lesson first week at Big School the novelty soon wore off.


----------



## kinverkid




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Stan

mikej460 said:


> And in the words of that other fine lyricist, John Lennon:
> 
> “Amo, amas, amat,
> A monk, a mink, a minibus”




Amo, amas, amatitagain.


----------



## Robbo3

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove down town to confront the chemist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the chemist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys."

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire." "When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of coins against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer."

"And believe me, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."


----------



## SamG340




----------



## Jameshow

Genuine ferm table saw... 

Who would think to knock off an imitation! 
Not exactly WB or startrite!!!

Genuine Ferm FZB-720 Table Top Saw VGC 230v 720w 200mm Collection Only | eBay


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Recky33

A mate of mine says it is the law that you have to put your dipped headlights on when it's raining in Sweden, How the hell am I supposed to know when it's raining in Sweden ?


----------



## Fidget




----------



## Zedgeezer

IZZY said:


> The only verb I learned during 2 years of LATIN at school. First lesson first week at Big School the novelty soon wore off.


Q.E.D.?


----------



## Sachakins

Zedgeezer said:


> Q.E.D.?


Or should that be Q.E.F. (_Quod erat faciendum)_


----------



## SamG340




----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## SamG340




----------



## joethedrummer

Pedronicus said:


> View attachment 129660


chroist, as fair blo"in thare !!


----------



## stuart little

Recky33 said:


> A mate of mine says it is the law that you have to put your dipped headlights on when it's raining in Sweden, How the hell am I supposed to know when it's raining in Sweden ?


Correction; You must have your headlights on at all times. Just me being pedantic!


----------



## Just4Fun

stuart little said:


> Just me being pedantic!


Who led the pedants' revolt?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Which Tyler


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Linus




----------



## kinverkid




----------



## dzj




----------



## Linus

Let's just hope that if I am unfortunate enough to be burgled I get this one.





Your browser is not able to display this video.


----------



## stuart little

Just4Fun said:


> Who led the pedants' revol
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> Which Tyler


WHAT?!


----------



## AES

stuart little said:


> WHAT?!



Watt Tyler led "The Peasants Revolt". (He stopped over in Dartford, Kent, where I was born, on his way to London to demonstrate to the King about peasants poor wages. The pub where he stayed is now called "The Watt Tyler" - that's how I remember. Don't know if it's still there now though).

A pedant (for the English language) would say that it's not "What Tyler" but "Which Tyler". Geddit?

At last, one I understood!


----------



## SamG340




----------



## J-G

AES said:


> The pub where he stayed is now called "The Watt Tyler"


Close AES - it's actually "The Wat Tyler" (one T) but as you say in Dartford - one of their oldest pubs and yes, extant.


----------



## stuart little

AES said:


> Watt Tyler led "The Peasants Revolt". (He stopped over in Dartford, Kent, where I was born, on his way to London to demonstrate to the King about peasants poor wages. The pub where he stayed is now called "The Watt Tyler" - that's how I remember. Don't know if it's still there now though).
> 
> A pedant (for the English language) would say that it's not "What Tyler" but "Which Tyler". Geddit?
> 
> At last, one I understood!


That's 'What' I said it.


----------



## Thingybob

J-G said:


> Close AES - it's actually "The Wat Tyler" (one T) but as you say in Dartford - one of their oldest pubs and yes, extant.


Historical joke thread again I see


----------



## AES

At least it's not "hysterical" (sorry ...... hat ..... coat).


----------



## Linus

Thingybob said:


> Historical joke thread again I see


A bit like Whack a mole really. One drops down and another pops up


----------



## Thingybob

Linus said:


> A bit like Whack a mole really. One drops down and another pops up


Pass me me mallet then


----------



## AES

Oh DEAR thingybob!


----------



## flying haggis

Trampoline for sale. Good condition. Buyer collects.


----------



## Fidget




----------



## Garden Shed Projects

Talk about classy. This made me laugh









Greggs fans queue up outside Primark to buy clothing collaboration


Greggs superfans in Newcastle queued up today outside Primark, as the two high street stalwarts launched their clothing collaboration - a line featuring 11 products priced from £7 to £16.




www.dailymail.co.uk


----------



## mikej460




----------



## stuart little

Thingybob said:


> Pass me me mallet then


Catch 'em & bury 'em alive!


----------



## Doug B




----------



## SamG340




----------



## Thingybob

SamG340 said:


> View attachment 129857


I used to be connected to its number plate lol


----------



## fixit45

SamG340 said:


> View attachment 129857


That's not fast, in 1970 my Ford 105E would reach a speed of 130 mph, admitted I had modified the running gear and I had fitted it with a Lotus 2000 cc twin cam, and it didn't cost me as much as any of those cars.


----------



## Linus

If it isn't pidgin Latin it's bloody cars! Where's that "Whack a mole" emoji gone?


----------



## Daniel2

Linus said:


> If it isn't pidgin Latin it's bloody cars! Where's that "Whack a mole" emoji gone?



Ha ha... Yep, I agree. A "Whack a Mole" emoji would be great, and quite useful.


----------



## Droogs

Now now @Linus I thought you knew better. That is not how you express exasperation - it's piggen not pidgen latin


----------



## Phill05

Thingybob said:


> I used to be connected to its number plate lol



Why did it run you down


----------



## stuart little

Garden Shed Projects said:


> Talk about classy. This made me laugh
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Greggs fans queue up outside Primark to buy clothing collaboration
> 
> 
> Greggs superfans in Newcastle queued up today outside Primark, as the two high street stalwarts launched their clothing collaboration - a line featuring 11 products priced from £7 to £16.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> www.dailymail.co.uk


----------



## dzj




----------



## SamG340

fixit45 said:


> That's not fast, in 1970 my Ford 105E would reach a speed of 130 mph, admitted I had modified the running gear and I had fitted it with a Lotus 2000 cc twin cam, and it didn't cost me as much as any of those cars.








Good looking car too


----------



## Doug B




----------



## fixit45

Doug B said:


> View attachment 129941


That's bad taste and sexist !!! They got the only gold, the men didn't turn up did they.


----------



## Limey Lurker

fixit45 said:


> That's not fast, in 1970 my Ford 105E would reach a speed of 130 mph, admitted I had modified the running gear and I had fitted it with a Lotus 2000 cc twin cam, and it didn't cost me as much as any of those cars.


Work at Dunton, did you?


----------



## joethedrummer

Limey Lurker said:


> Work at Dunton, did you?


,,or was he at Boreham ?


----------



## fixit45

Limey Lurker said:


> Work at Dunton, did you?


HI, no I didn't but but my best friend did. His name was John Vigors. unfortunately he took his own life.


----------



## Pedronicus

The roof of my shed got damaged in the storms at the weekend.
But my kind neighbour gave me a waterproof cover to use till i could repair it .
i would just like to say
"ta pauline".


----------



## kinverkid

Pedronicus said:


> The roof of my shed got damaged in the storms at the weekend.
> But my kind neighbour gave me a waterproof cover to use till i could repair it .
> i would just like to say
> "ta pauline".


Did you cover the roof in-situ or did you carry it back down the street and put it back on your shed first?


----------



## SamG340




----------



## Linus




----------



## Robbo3

Father of Many

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'
The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, 'I am the Father of many.'
The boy said, 'My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'
The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds,' and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."


----------



## SamG340




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Jameshow

#B1115 Mobile Applications Ltd 915 110V large sawbench TCP blade table saw | eBay


Find many great new & used options and get the best deals for #B1115 Mobile Applications Ltd 915 110V large sawbench TCP blade table saw at the best online prices at eBay! Free delivery for many products.



www.ebay.co.uk





Always thought the kity 419 was a bit small!!!


----------



## sammy.se

Limey Lurker said:


> Work at Dunton, did you?


I used to work at Dunton


----------



## IZZY

Doug B said:


> View attachment 129941


Scottish housework!


----------



## kinverkid




----------



## Cozzer

This rain and wind's a pipper, isn't it?!
Is it _ever_ going to stop?!
Three named storms, one after another, in the space of a week...
What with the threat of flooding everywhere, the wife's constantly looking through the window.
I guess I'm going to have to let her in soon.


----------



## Thingybob

Phill05 said:


> Why did it run you down


What too young to remember America On Line


----------



## nickds1

SamG340 said:


> View attachment 130020


This was a National Trust 2016 April Fool...

See Moving the Avebury stones for British Summer Time

I used to work for them making furniture. Happy days.


----------



## kinverkid

My wife just said that if I don't get off Facebook on my computer and do some of the little jobs that need doing around the house she'll slam my head on the keyboard, but I think she's full of shifjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn


----------



## cisamcgu




----------



## Robbo3

A lady is at the hairdressers, the stylist is one of those people who always likes to put people and the things they do down, but it was the only appointment available. The following conversation ensues.

Stylist: So are you having your hair done for a special occasion.

Customer: Yes we're off on holiday on Friday, we're going to Rome for our Anniversary.

S: Oh you don't want to go there, we went 2 years ago, it's an awful smelly, dirty city, full of uncouth locals. Who are you flying with?

C: We're flying with BA.

S: You'll regret it, we flew with them last year, seats were too close together, cabin staff were rude, food was awful and I would never fly with them again. Where are you staying?

C: The Hotel Bella Vista.

S: OMG that's where we stayed, the room was tiny, the bed was uncomfortable and the food was terrible, you'll regret staying there. What are your plans there?

C: Well one of the things we are most looking forward to is going to Vatican City to see the Pope addressing the people in St. Peters' Square.

S: You'll be wasting your time, we went, it was absolutely packed you'll get nowhere near him, hardly hear a word he says and be pressed against people on all sides, then struggle to get out through the crowds afterwards.

The customer is now totally peed off so doesn't engage in further conversation pays and leaves.

A month or so after her holiday she makes another appointment and books with the same stylist, just as she has finished the stylist remembers her from before.

S: Oh you were going to Rome weren't you, I told you how bad it was, I bet you regret it now.

C: On the contrary we had a wonderful time.

S: Humph, well I bet the flight was appalling!

C: No it was fantastic, the check in staff member was lovely, she asked if we were going for a special occasion and had we had been to Rome before, we said it was for our anniversary and when we said we hadn't been before she recommended some places to visit and some good restaurants. Then asked us to wait a minute and went and spoke to her manager. When she came back she upgraded us to first class. Lots of legroom, really wide comfortable seats, great food on proper china, free champagne, it was superb and was a great start to our holiday.

S: Well, what about that terrible Hotel?

C: It was absolutely great, the BA check in lady had asked where we were staying, we didn't think anything of it. But when we arrived she had called the Hotel and told them it was our anniversary. They upgraded our double room to a Penthouse suite with a roof terrace looking across Rome. Breakfast was served every day on the terrace, the staff couldn't do more for us and the food in the restaurant was sublime. And before you ask we didn't find Rome dirty and smelly at all, it was a lovely City with some of the friendliest people I've met .

S: I know you must have had a terrible time in Vatican City trying to see the Pope!

C: Not at all, we made sure we weren't too late getting there so we weren't too far back, everyone was quiet and respectful and were there to listen to The Pope like us.

S: You may have heard him but you still couldn't have really seen him up there on his balcony.

C: Actually as the sermon ended a gentleman in a suit with an earpiece in his ear approached us and said that after every sermon The Pope likes to meet a small number of people who have come to hear him and he was one of the staff sent to select those people, would we like a private audience with The Pope? Of course we said yes and went with him.

S: What? You didn't

C: Yes we did, we along with just 4 other couples were taken into The Vatican and seated in a large room then after a few minutes The Pope came in blessed us and spoke to us each in turn.

S: That's amazing what did he say?

C: Well he looked at me and said "who the heck did your hair?

With that she got up and left.


----------



## Phil Pascoe

The old ones are the best.


----------



## niemeyjt

Phil Pascoe said:


> The old ones are the best.


Mick Jagger's chat-up line.


----------



## SamG340




----------



## Turnr77

Robbo3 said:


> A lady is at the hairdressers, the stylist is one of those people who always likes to put people and the things they do down, but it was the only appointment available. The following conversation ensues.
> 
> Stylist: So are you having your hair done for a special occasion.
> 
> Customer: Yes we're off on holiday on Friday, we're going to Rome for our Anniversary.
> 
> S: Oh you don't want to go there, we went 2 years ago, it's an awful smelly, dirty city, full of uncouth locals. Who are you flying with?
> 
> C: We're flying with BA.
> 
> S: You'll regret it, we flew with them last year, seats were too close together, cabin staff were rude, food was awful and I would never fly with them again. Where are you staying?
> 
> C: The Hotel Bella Vista.
> 
> S: OMG that's where we stayed, the room was tiny, the bed was uncomfortable and the food was terrible, you'll regret staying there. What are your plans there?
> 
> C: Well one of the things we are most looking forward to is going to Vatican City to see the Pope addressing the people in St. Peters' Square.
> 
> S: You'll be wasting your time, we went, it was absolutely packed you'll get nowhere near him, hardly hear a word he says and be pressed against people on all sides, then struggle to get out through the crowds afterwards.
> 
> The customer is now totally peed off so doesn't engage in further conversation pays and leaves.
> 
> A month or so after her holiday she makes another appointment and books with the same stylist, just as she has finished the stylist remembers her from before.
> 
> S: Oh you were going to Rome weren't you, I told you how bad it was, I bet you regret it now.
> 
> C: On the contrary we had a wonderful time.
> 
> S: Humph, well I bet the flight was appalling!
> 
> C: No it was fantastic, the check in staff member was lovely, she asked if we were going for a special occasion and had we had been to Rome before, we said it was for our anniversary and when we said we hadn't been before she recommended some places to visit and some good restaurants. Then asked us to wait a minute and went and spoke to her manager. When she came back she upgraded us to first class. Lots of legroom, really wide comfortable seats, great food on proper china, free champagne, it was superb and was a great start to our holiday.
> 
> S: Well, what about that terrible Hotel?
> 
> C: It was absolutely great, the BA check in lady had asked where we were staying, we didn't think anything of it. But when we arrived she had called the Hotel and told them it was our anniversary. They upgraded our double room to a Penthouse suite with a roof terrace looking across Rome. Breakfast was served every day on the terrace, the staff couldn't do more for us and the food in the restaurant was sublime. And before you ask we didn't find Rome dirty and smelly at all, it was a lovely City with some of the friendliest people I've met .
> 
> S: I know you must have had a terrible time in Vatican City trying to see the Pope!
> 
> C: Not at all, we made sure we weren't too late getting there so we weren't too far back, everyone was quiet and respectful and were there to listen to The Pope like us.
> 
> S: You may have heard him but you still couldn't have really seen him up there on his balcony.
> 
> C: Actually as the sermon ended a gentleman in a suit with an earpiece in his ear approached us and said that after every sermon The Pope likes to meet a small number of people who have come to hear him and he was one of the staff sent to select those people, would we like a private audience with The Pope? Of course we said yes and went with him.
> 
> S: What? You didn't
> 
> C: Yes we did, we along with just 4 other couples were taken into The Vatican and seated in a large room then after a few minutes The Pope came in blessed us and spoke to us each in turn.
> 
> S: That's amazing what did he say?
> 
> C: Well he looked at me and said "who the heck did your hair?
> 
> With that she got up and left.



Why have you copied and pasted my joke from page 48 word for word?


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Thingybob

Turnr77 said:


> Why have you copied and pasted my joke from page 48 word for word?


Sam its not worth it talk to the Samaritans , Get this death wish out of your system lol


----------



## Thingybob

SamG340 said:


> View attachment 130053
> View attachment 130054
> View attachment 130055
> View attachment 130056


Sam its not worth it speak to the Samaritans , Get this death wish out of your head . lol


----------



## Turnr77

Thingybob said:


> Sam its not worth it talk to the Samaritans , Get this death wish out of your system lol


HUH?


----------



## SamG340

Thingybob said:


> Sam its not worth it speak to the Samaritans , Get this death wish out of your head . lol



Walking a fine line


----------



## SamG340

Turnr77 said:


> Why have you copied and pasted my joke from page 48 word for word?



It was funnier when he said it


----------



## AES

SamG340 said:


> It was funnier when he said it



Which of course reminds me of that really hoary old one about a bloke "reading out" jokes by their number (like a Chinese Restaurant menu) and no one laughs. "Funnier when HE said it", etc, etc,


----------



## Turnr77

SamG340 said:


> It was funnier when he said it


It's word for word the same?


----------



## SamG340

Turnr77 said:


> It's word for word the same?



And yet somehow funnier ? It's a mystery...


----------



## SamG340

Turnr77 said:


> It's word for word the same?



maybe he didn't read through 100 pages of jokes before posting


----------



## Turnr77

SamG340 said:


> maybe he didn't read through 100 pages of jokes before posting


But, when I posted it it was one I remembered from some years ago so I rewrote it to post, it is my words copied and posted.
I understand that lots of people know the same joke and wouldn't necessarily read the whole thread to see if it's been posted before, but then it would not be my exact words, just seems odd, I posted it here and on another totally unrelated forum and it HAS been copied and posted.


----------



## Lard

AWKWARD BRITISH PROBLEMS:

Staring at your phone in silent horror until the unknown number stops ringing
Hearing a recording of your own voice and deciding it’s perhaps best never to speak again
The relief when someone doesn’t answer their phone within three rings and you can hang up
Filming an entire fireworks display on your phone, knowing full well you’ll never, ever watch it again
 Mishearing somebody’s name on the second time of asking, meaning you must now avoid them forever 
 Leaving it too late to correct someone, meaning you must live with your new name forever
 Running out of ways to say thanks when a succession of doors are held for you, having already deployed ‘cheers’, ‘ta’ and ‘nice one’
 Changing from ‘kind regards’ to just ‘regards’, to indicate that you’re rapidly reaching the end of your tether
 Realising you’ve got about fifty grand’s worth of plastic bags under your kitchen sink
"You’ll have to excuse the mess” – Translation: I’ve spent seven hours tidying in preparation for your visit
 Indicating that you want the last roast potato by trying to force everyone else to take it
 "I’m off to bed” – Translation: “I’m off to stare at my phone in another part of the house”
 The overwhelming sorrow of finding a cup of tea you forgot about
 Turning down a cup of tea for no reason and instantly knowing you’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake
 Suddenly remembering your tea and necking it like a massive, lukewarm shot
 Waiting for permission to leave after paying for something with the exact change
 Saying hello to a friend in the supermarket, then creeping around like a burglar to avoid seeing them again
 Watching with quiet sorrow as you receive a different haircut to the one you requested
 Being unable to pay for something with the exact change without saying “I think that’s right”
 Overtaking someone on foot and having to keep up the uncomfortably fast pace until safely over the horizon
 Being unable to turn and walk in the opposite direction without first taking out your phone and frowning at it
 Deeming it necessary to do a little jog over zebra crossings, while throwing in an apologetic mini wave
 Punishing people who don’t say thank you by saying “you’re welcome” as quietly as possible
 Loudly tapping your fingers at the cashpoint, to assure the queue that you’ve asked for money and the wait is out of your hands
 Looking away so violently as someone nearby enters their PIN that you accidentally dislocate your neck
 Being sure to start touching your bag 15 minutes before your station, so the person in the aisle seat is fully prepared for your exit
 Repeatedly pressing the door button on the train before it’s illuminated, to assure your fellow commuters you have the situation in hand
 Having someone sit next to you on the train, meaning you’ll have to eat your crisps at home
 The huge sense of relief after your perfectly valid train ticket is accepted by the inspector
 The horror of someone you only half know saying: “Oh I’m getting that train too”
 “Sorry, is anyone sitting here?” – Translation: Unless this is a person who looks remarkably like a bag, I suggest you move it
 Worrying you’ve accidentally packed 3 kilos of cocaine and a dead goat as you stroll through “Nothing to declare”
 Being unable to stand and leave without first saying “right”
 Not hearing someone for the third time, so just laughing and hoping for the best
 Saying “anywhere here’s fine” when the taxi’s directly outside your front door.


----------



## Jameshow

Could have been taken from this forum and posted in another and then back here, a joke I made up on here ended up on another forum.... I was quite taken!!!


----------



## Zedgeezer

Turnr77 said:


> But, when I posted it it was one I remembered from some years ago so I rewrote it to post, it is my words copied and posted.
> I understand that lots of people know the same joke and wouldn't necessarily read the whole thread to see if it's been posted before, but then it would not be my exact words, just seems odd, I posted it here and on another totally unrelated forum and it HAS been copied and posted.


Today I saw a joke on a Network Rail forum that was identical to one I saw on here a few days back. I assumed it had amused him & he had re-posted it to a different forum to a different audience. I doubt there was malice, it's just cross pollination between unrelated forums. Still, I smiled at the joke and scrolled to the next one.


----------



## SamG340

Turnr77 said:


> But, when I posted it it was one I remembered from some years ago so I rewrote it to post, it is my words copied and posted.
> I understand that lots of people know the same joke and wouldn't necessarily read the whole thread to see if it's been posted before, but then it would not be my exact words, just seems odd, I posted it here and on another totally unrelated forum and it HAS been copied and posted.



No no I see what's happened , you've gone global , it's gone round the world 360 and got back to you. Don't be offended mate your famous


----------



## woodhutt

Turnr77 said:


> Why have you copied and pasted my joke from page 48 word for word?


John Cooper Clarke made a good job of this joke 6 years ago.


----------



## Turnr77

SamG340 said:


> No no I see what's happened , you've gone global , it's gone round the world 360 and got back to you. Don't be offended mate your famous



Not offended at all just seemed odd, and per post above I never claimed to have made it up, it was just my exact wording of it that seemed odd to have been reposted.


----------



## MikeK

Turnr77 said:


> Not offended at all just seemed odd, and per post above I never claimed to have made it up, it was just my exact wording of it that seemed odd to have been reposted.



Is this you as well? It appears that most, if not all, of your jokes on UKW are also on the "Ultimate Reef" forum.









Friday jokes thread







ultimatereef.net


----------



## Turnr77

MikeK said:


> Is this you as well? It appears that most, if not all, of your jokes on UKW are also on the "Ultimate Reef" forum.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Friday jokes thread
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ultimatereef.net


Yep that's me, my other hobby, marine aquariums. Joke thread running on there too, so when I remember one I post on both


----------



## Zedgeezer

woodhutt said:


> John Cooper Clarke made a good job of this joke 6 years ago.



Jokes evolve and generations forget. No harm in reminding them. I forgot this JCC clip until reminded. If anyone is unaware of John Cooper Clarke, try youtube, he is a wordsmith extraordinaire, dry, cynical and definitely pushing boundaries in that era. Outside the chip shop Saturday night etc.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## OCtoolguy

Zedgeezer said:


> Today I saw a joke on a Network Rail forum that was identical to one I saw on here a few days back. I assumed it had amused him & he had re-posted it to a different forum to a different audience. I doubt there was malice, it's just cross pollination between unrelated forums. Still, I smiled at the joke and scrolled to the next one.


I found this wonderful British woodworking forum and started reading the joke thread. I have found many great jokes and cartoons here that I have copied and pasted to another woodworking forum in the U.S. Not meaning to steal anybodies thunder, just wanting to share the great British humor that is so lacking in the States. I also put some of it up on my Facebook page. Never meaning to offend anybody in any way.


----------



## Jameshow

I'm guilty as charged of posting jokes from one forum to another not telling which forums though....


----------



## SamG340

Where do you think I get my boat loads of pics from ?


----------



## NormanB

Turnr77 said:


> Why have you copied and pasted my joke from page 48 word for word?


Where did you copy it from, interested people would like to know?


----------



## shed9

NormanB said:


> Where did you copy it from, interested people would like to know?


Something got repeated on the T'interweb, discuss


----------



## Thingybob

shed9 said:


> Something got repeated on the T'interweb, discuss


Ok pass me my whack a mole mallet Vladimier they are at it again lol


----------



## quintain

My wife is a lovely lady who does not need the encyclopedias offered for sale earlier in the thread tells me I cannot tell a joke. Accordingly if I did so on this forum and some one found it funny and repeated it I would be proud of my joke telling.
Perhaps I am suffering from a positive attitude rather than a negative one.
Perhaps; regrettably, I have to many grey hairs to look for a cure for my positive attitude.


----------



## Daniel2




----------



## SamG340




----------



## Linus

Discover Popular Videos | Facebook


Facebook Watch is the place to enjoy videos and shows together. Find the latest trending videos, discover original shows and checkout what's going on with your favorite creators.




fb.watch


----------



## Thingybob

Daniel2 said:


>


Well done Daniel just what we need


----------



## Robbo3

Turnr77 said:


> Why have you copied and pasted my joke from page 48 word for word?


I posted an apology but for some reason it got removed.


----------



## Robbo3




----------



## AES

Robbo3 said:


> View attachment 130251



Not sure if it's real though (a Photoshop "montage" perhaps)?


----------



## paulrbarnard

Some from my wife this morning 

The problem with kleptomaniacs is they take things literally

Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician

When life gives you melons you might be dyslexic

So what if I don’t know what Armageddon means it’s not the end of the world.


----------



## Max Power

Turnr77 said:


> Not offended at all just seemed odd, and per post above I never claimed to have made it up, it was just my exact wording of it that seemed odd to have been reposted.


You really need to get out more


----------



## joethedrummer

Max Power said:


> You really need to get out more


,,might be best if he"s kept in,,


----------



## Turnr77

Robbo3 said:


> I posted an apology but for some reason it got removed.



No need to apologise, just seemed odd and didn't consider it could have travelled on already else wear since I posted it.




Max Power said:


> You really need to get out more





joethedrummer said:


> ,,might be best if he"s kept in,,



Both comments uncalled for, especially since yes I am kept in currently at home, due to 2 surgeries since Jan 5th and awaiting the 3rd as I think the porters did my previous 2 surgeries!


----------



## Jameshow

Turnr77 said:


> No need to apologise, just seemed odd and didn't consider it could have travelled on already else wear since I posted it.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Both comments uncalled for, especially since yes I am kept in currently at home, due to 2 surgeries since Jan 5th and awaiting the 3rd as I think the porters did my previous 2 surgeries!


Sorry to hear it, Get well soon.....


----------



## TRITON

Jameshow said:


> Sorry to hear it, Get well soon.....


Then you can get out for a change.


----------



## Turnr77

TRITON said:


> Then you can get out for a change.



Yeah that's me done with this forum.


----------



## SamG340

Turnr77 said:


> Yeah that's me done with this forum.


----------



## shed9

Turnr77 said:


> Yeah that's me done with this forum.


Don't throw the towel in, we can all be keyboard warriors at some point in the discussion, the worst that happened is the joke probably got read by more people in the end. Don't be offended, it's all good and forgotten about by the end of the week.

Stick around


----------



## TRITON

Turnr77 said:


> Both comments uncalled for, especially since yes I am kept in currently at home, due to 2 surgeries since Jan 5th and awaiting the 3rd as I think the porters did my previous 2 surgeries!


Well nobody actually knew that did they ?, and no doubt a simple oops sorry would have sufficed. TBH I think this has turned into a storm in a teacup and no real offence has ever been intended, beyond a bit of good humored ribbing. Certainly you havent faced the utter pelters Jacob has got over the past few years, but he's more of a fun guy(Im not saying youre not), and can seemingly take it and then hit back with a few one liners of his own. That I think is the crux of this forum. It isnt twitter, it isnt facebook, nobody is really having a pop at you.

(Yeah that's me done with this forum. )
Well fair enough, and i hope you find a forum you can occassionally post on where you wont get offended by a bit of humour.


----------



## Vann

Turnr77 said:


> Both comments uncalled for, especially since yes I am kept in currently at home, due to 2 surgeries since Jan 5th and awaiting the 3rd as I think the porters did my previous 2 surgeries!



No point in getting offended over an unintentional slight - if you then turn around and purposely insult two surgeons.

Cheers, vann.


----------



## Linus

I would comment but it is the "joke"thread.


----------



## Zedgeezer

Probably not a joke, but I was talking to my son tonight about the work being done at CERN, my wife got involved, me and my son said "Mum, you don't know what we are talking about", she said "Yes I do, you're talking about that Swiss Kaleidoscope" (This is the same woman who, when we went to Amsterdam many years ago went to a Hologram display (ground breaking in that era) and said "How are we going to see the holograms inside this building" She thought they were somehow projected into the sky) but I love her!


----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## SamG340




----------



## dzj




----------



## TRITON

@dzj That is the funniest pic ive seen for a while  

So im going to stick posting funny pics, created by other people and not get into this writing stuff that seems to always go wrong, backfire or upset folk.


----------



## Garno

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl On her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed
the girl a £30.00 ticket for a safety violation.

The cop said, 'Give this to your Dad , and next year, have him tell Santa to put
a reflector light on the back of it!'

The young girl was quiet for a few moments, then looked up at the cop and said,
'Nice horse you've got there, Officer. Did Santa bring it to you?'

Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered,
'Yes, he sure did!'

The little girl looked up at the cop and said:

'Next year tell Santa;
The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top'!!!


----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Cozzer

paulrbarnard said:


> Some from my wife this morning
> 
> The problem with kleptomaniacs is they take things literally
> 
> Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician
> 
> When life gives you melons you might be dyslexic
> 
> So what if I don’t know what Armageddon means it’s not the end of the world.




I see that the boffins in North Korea have developed a new missile that can evade detection by flying lower and faster than any anti-job on the ground can pick up.

I'm surprised it's taken them so long. It's hardly rocket science, is it?


----------



## Thingybob

SamG340 said:


> View attachment 130328
> View attachment 130329
> View attachment 130330
> View attachment 130331


Have I missed something , People are actualy posting jokes in this thread . Good on yer Sam


----------



## SamG340

Thingybob said:


> Have I missed something , People are actualy posting jokes in this thread . Good on yer Sam



Makes a change !


----------



## Cordy

I think my cricket team have Tourette's or something.

Every time the ball goes in the air everyone starts yelling "Cat Sh it!"


----------



## gregmcateer

TRITON said:


> @dzj That is the funniest pic ive seen for a while
> 
> So im going to stick posting funny pics, created by other people and not get into this writing stuff that seems to always go wrong, backfire or upset folk.
> View attachment 130344



I can't believe you've posted a picture of my cat, that I was just about to post!


----------



## Linus

TRITON said:


> @dzj That is the funniest pic ive seen for a while
> 
> So im going to stick posting funny pics, created by other people and not get into this writing stuff that seems to always go wrong, backfire or upset folk.
> View attachment 130344


I suspected this may be a Ukranian cat?


----------



## Linus




----------



## Keefy.

Good man. play safe.  

No offence intended.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Recky33

why has this dude got a picture of *Jean-Luc Picard* on his wall


----------



## Robbo3

Not what was meant by phone carrier!


----------



## SamG340




----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## Just4Fun

Bowling can be fun but it isn't worth losing your head over.


----------



## stuart little

My mate turned up the other day with two fingers bandaged; "What'd you do?" I asked.
"caught 'em in the belt sander".
I said; "Didn't you know you can buy 'finger' sanders?"


----------



## stuart little

Linus said:


> I suspected this may be a Ukranian cat?


Or a Russian Sniper cat?


----------



## ElizaTea

At the risk of setting off another punctuation war……


----------



## finney

SamG340 said:


> View attachment 130193



This is xenophobic, highly offensive and totally inaccurate. France lost more people in the first year of the first world war than the entirety of the US dead in the whole of the 20th century. 1 in 8 French people were either injured or killed in the 1st world war and despite the horrific death level they didn't surrender. If they hadn't have dug in to defend the British at Dunkirk, the whole British army would have been captured. It's true that the French did surrender to the Germans but despite this, they lost another 600,000 people during the whole of the war which is about 20% more than the British.


----------



## SamG340

finney said:


> This is xenophobic, highly offensive and totally inaccurate. France lost more people in the first year of the first world war than the entirety of the US dead in the whole of the 20th century. 1 in 8 French people were either injured or killed in the 1st world war and despite the horrific death level they didn't surrender. If they hadn't have dug in to defend the British at Dunkirk, the whole British army would have been captured. It's true that the French did surrender to the Germans but despite this, they lost another 600,000 people during the whole of the war which is about 20% more than the British.



It was a joke


----------



## AES

finney said:


> This is xenophobic, highly offensive and totally inaccurate. France lost more people in the first year of the first world war than the entirety of the US dead in the whole of the 20th century. 1 in 8 French people were either injured or killed in the 1st world war and despite the horrific death level they didn't surrender. If they hadn't have dug in to defend the British at Dunkirk, the whole British army would have been captured. It's true that the French did surrender to the Germans but despite this, they lost another 600,000 people during the whole of the war which is about 20% more than the British.




If we're being _accurate_ on the joke thread finney, also please don't forget that A) a large number of the soldiers rescued off the beaches at Dunkirk were French soldiers, and B) although - of course - a large number of French soldiers stayed behind, so did an whole British Infantry Battalion (with Artillery) BY ORDER. And even knowing they were being sacrificed they all carried on and were all subsequently killed, wounded/captured, or "just" captured - to a man.

There are ALWAYS different views on "jokes" but when I saw that I just chuckled and moved on - as I suspect most other UKW members did.

Suggest you be careful of your blood pressure mate.


----------



## SamG340

AES said:


> If we're being _accurate_ on the joke thread finney, also please don't forget that A) a large number of the soldiers rescued off the beaches at Dunkirk were French soldiers, and B) although - of course - a large number of French soldiers stayed behind, so did an whole British Infantry Battalion (with Artillery) BY ORDER. And even knowing they were being sacrificed they all carried on and were all subsequently killed, wounded/captured, or "just" captured - to a man.
> 
> There are ALWAYS different views on "jokes" but when I saw that I just chuckled and moved on - as I suspect most other UKW members did.
> 
> Suggest you be careful of your blood pressure mate.



It's alright saying all that AES you Swiss wouldn't even take a side !


----------



## Doug B




----------



## jcassidy

SamG340 said:


> It's alright saying all that AES you Swiss wouldn't even take a side !



More accurately, they took all sides!


----------



## finney

AES said:


> If we're being _accurate_ on the joke thread finney, also please don't forget that A) a large number of the soldiers rescued off the beaches at Dunkirk were French soldiers, and B) although - of course - a large number of French soldiers stayed behind, so did an whole British Infantry Battalion (with Artillery) BY ORDER. And even knowing they were being sacrificed they all carried on and were all subsequently killed, wounded/captured, or "just" captured - to a man.
> 
> There are ALWAYS different views on "jokes" but when I saw that I just chuckled and moved on - as I suspect most other UKW members did.
> 
> Suggest you be careful of your blood pressure mate.


I was just calling it out as a xenophobic / racist joke. Maybe you are OK with those. Others aren't.

Personally, I think having a joke thread with unchallenged sexist and racist jokes does a disservice to the forum as a whole. Everyone can see this thread because it pops up in the "What's new" section.

What you said about the British is interesting, but of irrelevance to the topic of whether the French are more cowardly than others.

And because you showed care about my health, my blood pressure is just fine thank you.  I decided a long time ago to pity racists for their small minded view of the world rather than get angry with them.


----------



## Ozi

We could learn a lesson from Switzerland there defense policy was "Invade us and your money burns" (W.A.T. Jasper Carrot) where is the Russian money now.....


----------



## MikeK

SamG340 said:


> It's alright saying all that AES you Swiss wouldn't even take a side !



Be careful when making assumptions. There are many British living elsewhere and AES is as British as they come.


----------



## SamG340

MikeK said:


> Be careful when making assumptions. There are many British living elsewhere and AES is as British as they come.



Ah well I'm sure he'll understand I was just joking . He seems to have a good sense of humour ... I see you're from Germany ? I better not make jokes about the war .. or the world cup !!


----------



## SamG340

The same procedure as last war, Miss Sophie? Same procedure as every war, James


----------



## kinverkid




----------



## AES

SamG340 said:


> It's alright saying all that AES you Swiss wouldn't even take a side !



Well normally I'd agree with you completely mate (and up to 15.00 today did agree with you). But just this afternoon, the Swiss govt agreed to A) fully censure Russ re Ukraine; B) freeze all the Russ assets held here; B) close CH airspace to all Russ a/c (that one NOT too hard if you look at the map)! C) accept refugees from UKR AND keep our Embassy in Kiev open (though they haven't said how many refugees!); "take on" 100% all the EU sanctions up to now. And that "only" 4 days after the rest of the world (express by Swiss standards!), AND that only after approx 50,000 normal people took to the streets (peacefully) to show our mealy-mouthed and lilly-livered govt that THIS TIME it really was time to remove the staves from their fundamentals and get off the "effing fence"!

(As you may have noticed that I'm at present rather pleased with my adopted govt - after being thoroughly disgusted with them for the last 4/5 days (during which time, the Russ fat cats had plenty of time to remove their dosh from their CH accounts).

SORRY ALL for turning this thread into a political rant (perhaps)


----------



## AES

finney said:


> I was just calling it out as a xenophobic / racist joke. Maybe you are OK with those. Others aren't.
> 
> Personally, I think having a joke thread with unchallenged sexist and racist jokes does a disservice to the forum as a whole. Everyone can see this thread because it pops up in the "What's new" section.
> 
> What you said about the British is interesting, but of irrelevance to the topic of whether the French are more cowardly than others.
> 
> And because you showed care about my health, my blood pressure is just fine thank you.  I decided a long time ago to pity racists for their small minded view of the world rather than get angry with them.




I don't think I'm racist. But I CAN see the funny side of MOST jokes mate. And the comments I made were EXACTLY relevant to your own post.

P.S. So glad you're in good health mate.

Edit for P.S. For the "benefit" of finney, and in the interests of accuracy): I'm not xenophobic either. I married a "Jenny furriner". I'd better say "Jenny" and not "Johnnie" just in case someone starts jumping to unwarranted conclusions about my sexual proclivities!


----------



## MikeK

SamG340 said:


> I see you're from Germany ? I better not make jokes about the war .. or the world cup !!



Again, you are quite wrong. I live in Germany, but I am not from Germany.


----------



## Droogs

SamG340 said:


> Ah well I'm sure he'll understand I was just joking . He seems to have a good sense of humour ... I see you're from Germany ? I better not make jokes about the war .. or the world cup !!


He's American, just cant afford a plane ticket after wasting it all on a POS Austrian sold Chinese Chinesium alloy P/T dumped on him by a Turkish delivery driver in a German van.

You just never know who/what is from where


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## Jameshow

kinverkid said:


> View attachment 130598


I could take offense at that as I'm probably dyslexic but my wife says it's a waste of money getting me tested...! I avoid tests like IQ and vo2 max tests!


----------



## AJB Temple

.The trouble with having a whinge about jokes being in poor taste and all the other stuff thrown out of the pram above, is that it just encourages ever harder push back. It's a joke thread: don't read if easily offended or devoid of a sense of humour. Much British humour is rather black. That does not make it racist  

Anyway.....The American salute start’s with your hand facing flat towards the ground and on your head. The British salute starts with your hand against your head just like the American Salute but at a more jaunty angle. The French salute starts with your hands in the air.


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## AES

MikeK said:


> Be careful when making assumptions. There are many British living elsewhere and AES is as British as they come.




I'll take that as a compliment MikeK (as I'm "sure" it was intended)


----------



## SamG340

MikeK said:


> British as they come.


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## Droogs

Just to really stir things up, I loved this when it first came out as did the 2 legionaires I did guard duty with.


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## AES

SamG340 said:


> View attachment 130604



Now I really WILL take offence - "does a disservice to the Forum" (or something like that!!!!!!


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## SamG340

AES said:


> Now I really WILL take offence - "does a disservice to the Forum" (or something like that!!!!!!



Taking offence to things is also very British. You could write a strongly worded letter ?


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## AES

@AJB Temple: You wrote, QUOTE: The British salute starts with your hand against your head just like the American Salute but at a more jaunty angle. UNQUOTE:

Depends entirely on which branch of the British services one served in old bean.


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## AES

SamG340 said:


> Taking offence to things is also very British. You could write a strongly worded letter ?



To whom? (he asks, artlessly).


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## SamG340

AES said:


> To whom? (he asks, artlessly).



Normally the BBC ?


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## SamG340

SamG340 said:


> Normally the BBC ?


Or perhaps your local MP


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## AES

SamG340 said:


> Or perhaps your local MP



Haven't got one mate. That's not how "the system" works here, and as I've been off the UK Electoral register for more than X (I think it's 15 years, I forget now, but it's quite a long time anyway) I don't have a UK MP.


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## SamG340

AES said:


> Haven't got one mate. That's not how "the system" works here, and as I've been off the UK Electoral register for more than X (I think it's 15 years, I forget now, but it's quite a long time anyway) I don't have a UK MP.


Your local chocolate store?


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## SamG340

@AES how did you end up out there anyway ?


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## AES

Ah, NOW yer talkin' mate. (But it's late - for an old man like me - AND we're turning the jokes thread into a banter thread, and that too will no doubt "do a disservice to the Forum)


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## AES

1. Married a Swiss lady. 2. Got a job with Swissair. Goodnight


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## Droogs

AES said:


> 1. Married a Swiss lady. 2. Got a job with Swissair. Goodnight


So he got hired by Nestle and makes Aeros


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## SamG340

Droogs said:


> So he got hired by Nestle and makes Aeros



What a ripoff aero's are . Same price as a mars bar but its HALF AIR ... Ripping sods. 

It's like the evil bleeders that invented polos


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## Ozi

SamG340 said:


> Ah well I'm sure he'll understand I was just joking . He seems to have a good sense of humour ... I see you're from Germany ? I better not make jokes about the war .. or the world cup !!


You can mention the world cup. These foreigners don't understand it's not the winning it's the taking part that counts - unless we win - then it's the winning.


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## SamG340

Ozi said:


> You can mention the world cup. These foreigners don't understand it's not the winning it's the taking part that counts - unless we win - then it's the winning.



It's just like the Scott's, when they loose, they're Scottish , but when they win .. then they're British


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## niemeyjt

Droogs said:


> So he got hired by Nestle and makes Aeros



Nestle is this side of the Rostigraben!

Swissair, before going bust, were in Basel (I was in adjacent building) - and I think their successor was as well - until the French got peachie about borders and offices and tax and things. Never get peachie with the Swiss about taxes - they closed the offices and rescheduled the flights.


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## TRITON

finney said:


> This is xenophobic, highly offensive and totally inaccurate. France lost more people in the first year of the first world war than the entirety of the US dead in the whole of the 20th century. 1 in 8 French people were either injured or killed in the 1st world war and despite the horrific death level they didn't surrender. If they hadn't have dug in to defend the British at Dunkirk, the whole British army would have been captured. It's true that the French did surrender to the Germans but despite this, they lost another 600,000 people during the whole of the war which is about 20% more than the British.


Very true, though our original plan was to abandon the french completely and it was only through some choice words we started letting them on the boats with British troops, not as an after thought once all British troops had boarded. Utterly selfish by the Government and high command.
We then sank their navy as a parting gift.


----------



## Bm101

Billy Connolly on the Swiss. 
Just for you Aes.


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## Pedronicus




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## Bm101

I've never got the whole joking French cowardice thing. Only reason the Germans didn't clean sweep western Europe with blitzkrieg was the fact that particularly bad weather meant Operation Sealion could not take place immediately. If not for the channel it would all have been over on the Western front by 1940. That winter gave the UK just enough time to prepare for the battle of Britain etc. There was epic counts of bravery and heroism on all fronts. Just as the cruelties of war were also played out on all fronts by all sides. 
My grandfather would never talk about the war. So many years later he could never bring himself to talk of what he saw or did. I remember as a young kid eating round my other grandparents. A friend of theirs was there and he ate all the fat and gristle on his plate. I was a bit leery because personally my family didn't eat that. You're talking pork chop fat. I was 7 maybe. But then when everyone had finished their plates he took the leftovers off the other plates. Scraped them onto his plate and ate them too. It sounds horrific telling it like that but no one said anything and just carried on the conversation like it was normal. As a kid I was proper shocked but my mum gave me the 'shut your hole Right Now' look. And you know. Ok. Being 7 I knew to be quiet.
When we were driving home she explained he'd been captured by the Japanese and starved for years. I'll never forget that moment in my life. 
Going on now in Ukraine and it's the same old sh**. Normal people from both sides dying and suffering for the sale of a handful of old maniacs. 
I saw today on the news about people donating to Ukrainian civilians, clothing and bedding and so on. Medical supplies being in desperate shortage. I'll be sorting through some stuff tomorrow. Might help a small bit.
Sorry if I went on a bit there.


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## Bm101

It is the joke thread so heres one:
In the pub one night the husband leans over and asks his wife,
'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went
behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'

'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for
old time's sake?''Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation
and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by
walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence,
the old man moves in...
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.
This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning
and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed! He thinks he has learned something about life and old age
that he didn't know. After 10 minutes lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on.

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask
them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them,
'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together.
Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply...

'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence'


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## OCtoolguy

kinverkid said:


> View attachment 130598


----------



## Robbo3

Boat Names.


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## Robbo3

Boat names 2


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## stuart little

TRITON said:


> @dzj That is the funniest pic ive seen for a while
> 
> So im going to stick posting funny pics, created by other people and not get into this writing stuff that seems to always go wrong, backfire or upset folk.
> View attachment 130344


It's a Russian 'Fat Cat' guarding his roubles!


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## stuart little

SamG340 said:


> What a ripoff aero's are . Same price as a mars bar but its HALF AIR ... Ripping sods.
> 
> It's like the evil bleeders that invented polos


Do you mean VW?


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## SamG340




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## SamG340

stuart little said:


> Do you mean VW?



Yea stupid little car what's the point in them


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## SamG340




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## finney

AES said:


> I don't think I'm racist. But I CAN see the funny side of MOST jokes mate. And the comments I made were EXACTLY relevant to your own post.
> 
> P.S. So glad you're in good health mate.
> 
> Edit for P.S. For the "benefit" of finney, and in the interests of accuracy): I'm not xenophobic either. I married a "Jenny furriner". I'd better say "Jenny" and not "Johnnie" just in case someone starts jumping to unwarranted conclusions about my sexual proclivities!


I didn't suggest you were a xenophobe or racist. I didn't suggest that about the original person who posted that joke either. Maybe they were ignorant about how offensive that joke was before they posted it.

It does interest me that a moderator has got involved in the discussion but hasn't removed the offensive content. And it interests me that my comment prompted others to double down on the content. That tells me this isn't a forum for me. And that's a shame - because the woodwork content is very good and I think I have things to contribute to that. But for me the racist / sexist content of this joke thread is toxic. It's the same as going to a great restaurant to discover the chef doesn't wash his hands after using the bathroom. Once you know that, you don't eat the food no matter how tasty.


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## SamG340

finney said:


> But for me the racist / sexist content of this joke thread is toxic



Oh grow up, stop being offended by everything. I bet you're a millennial ? I'm right aren't I ? I can tell just by the way you're acting. You feel like you're entitled to tell other people what they can and can't say, what they're allowed to find funny. 

Everyone else here is having fun, the only one being "toxic" is you.


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## SamG340

Here @finney I got you an adult colouring book, you can take it to your safe space, suck your thumb and pretend anyone gives a rats about your stupid WOKE opinions.


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## SamG340




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## AES

finney said:


> It does interest me that a moderator has got involved in the discussion but hasn't removed the offensive content.



Oh REALLY finney! Whoever posted that was most likely aware that taken at face value, that joke COULD be seen as offensive, but like everyone else here, has displayed what I'd call the typical Brit tolerance and typical Brit black humour - and even though the mod concerned isn't a Brit (I guess that as he's moderating a Brit Forum we ought to let him be "an honorary Brit)?!  

IMO - and it seems that of at least the majority on here too - you really do need to "calm down dearie" and not take things so seriously. AND if you like the woodworking content on here, but if your sense of humour is SO fragile, I suggest you just stop reading the jokes thread. AND you don't have to enter the Forum via the "What's New" route either, so you really could insulate yourself from all this "offensive" stuff .


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## SamG340

SamG340 said:


> Everyone else here is having fun, the only one being "toxic" is you


----------



## TRITON

SamG340 said:


> Oh grow up, stop being offended by everything. I bet you're a millennial ? I'm right aren't I ? I can tell just by the way you're acting. You feel like you're entitled to tell other people what they can and can't say, what they're allowed to find funny.


I bet he sharpens using a jig.


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## Phil Pascoe

Some 20 years ago I had a huge paperback of tasteles racist jokes, some were hilarious, some to me not so. The compiler made a point in the intro though - he hadn't found a joke that hadn't been found somewhere else in the world in different forms, the stupid Irishman in England, the stupid Pole in Chicago, the stupid Greek in Sydney and so on. It's human nature.


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## SamG340

TRITON said:


> I bet he sharpens using a jig.



Guilty


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## AES

niemeyjt said:


> Swissair, before going bust, were in Basel (I was in adjacent building) - and I think their successor was as well -



Incorrect niemeyjt! The Swissair HO was always in Zürich (building is still there, on the R of the Autobahn as you approach ZRH airport from ZRH city, it's called Balsberg). The "Swissair office" in Basel was actually the Crossair building, renamed when Moritz Suter (Crossair founder and CEO) took over as Swissair CEO (and lasted in that post for less than 3 months!).

Swiss Air International (the follow-on from Swissair after Swissair went bankrupt - which is a wholly-owned subsidiary of Lufthansa, the German airline BTW - has offices in several cities here.

Swissair cancelled (firstly) ALL flights after going bust, then started flying again with a V limited timetable for quite a short while until the new "Swiss Air Lines International" (today's "Swiss" for short) was up and running.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## AES

TRITON said:


> Very true, though our original plan was to abandon the french completely and it was only through some choice words we started letting them on the boats with British troops, not as an after thought once all British troops had boarded. Utterly selfish by the Government and high command.
> We then sank their navy as a parting gift.




Your take on the history of that period Triton does NOT accord with the actuality. Have you never heard of the BEF ("British Expeditionary Force"). That was Brits who were sent to France (by the UK Govt) specifically to help the French (at the time the largest army in the world, bigger even than Germany by head count) in protecting France, especially Paris.


----------



## AES

Bm101 said:


> Only reason the Germans didn't clean sweep western Europe with blitzkrieg was the fact that particularly bad weather meant Operation Sealion could not take place immediately. If not for the channel it would all have been over on the Western front by 1940.



My Goodness Bm101. There aren't arf some people here who don't know their modern history! The bad weather in the English Channel came AFTER the BoB had been fought (and won)! There WAS a short delay after Dunkirk (which without double-checking, was I think in May 1940) but the BoB started in June 1940 (mainly with attacks on our shipping in the Channel), and reached it's height in August and September of 1940!

As said BEFORE the start of winter. It's generally acknowledged that if Hitler/Goering hadn't switched their attention form the RAF airfields and other infrastructure such as HCL and H (radar) to concentrate instead on bombing London, that the Nazis WOULD have succeeded in clearing the RAF from the air, thus gaining air superiority and allowing the cross channel invasion to begin. It would then have been up to the Royal Navy to save us, IF their ships could have survived long enough in an environment where the enemy had gained air superiority

Edit for P.S. Just for clarity, the BoB "Day" that we remember now is in September, as Sept 1940 is the period in which the BoB reached it's heights. Again "before Winta come"!


----------



## TRITON

BEF. It does ring a bell... 

Oh yeah, that was the jolly jaunt my Grandfather was in.
51st Highland division, Corporal McCafferty Transportation. He was in the rear guard action at Dunkirk.
He didnt make it out with the initial evacuation, as in after the last big boat had left, but a day later I think(Family details are a little sketchy.
He and a small party spent the day avoiding Nazi patrols before being picked up by a Belgium fishing boat. I've always meant to see if I could access his war diary, but Mum's old(80) and can't remember all the details we need to get info for it.

I didnt say we abandoned the French. There was a mix up in that the British were intent on their evac, thinking the french were responsible for their own evac.

The point of fact -
" The reason few French warships were available at Dunkirk was because of an agreement between Royal Navy and French Navy commanders concerning theatres of responsibility; this arrangement had, thus, resulted in much of the French fleet being stationed in the Mediterranean. Now, the Royal Navy would have to shoulder the responsibility for evacuating the French, as well as the BEF, from Dunkirk 

Despite British willingness to help their French allies, the most undiplomatic figure of the Anglo-French military and naval coalition was none other than the commander of the BEF, Field Marshal Lord Gort, whose scathing remarks and dismissiveness of the French martial ability throughout the Battle of France possibly helped drive a wedge between the Allies.


When Gort first learned of the arrangements for the French at his headquarters at La Panne on 29 May, he immediately telegraphed the Chief of the Imperial General Staff, Field Marshal Sir John Dill, to ask for clarification on whether French troops were to be evacuated alongside British troops in equal numbers. Gort reminded Dill that the safety of the BEF was his primary consideration: ‘every Frenchman embarked is at cost of one Englishman "


----------



## AES

Bm101 said:


> Going on now in Ukraine and it's the same old sh**. Normal people from both sides dying and suffering for the sale of a handful of old maniacs.
> I saw today on the news about people donating to Ukrainian civilians, clothing and bedding and so on. Medical supplies being in desperate shortage. I'll be sorting through some stuff tomorrow. Might help a small bit.
> Sorry if I went on a bit there.




No problem there for me Bm101. And yes, you're right about "same old, same old". (Twas ever thus).


----------



## Phil Pascoe

AES said:


> ... That was Brits who were sent to France (by the UK Govt) specifically to help the French (at the time the largest army in the world, bigger even than Germany by head count) in protecting France, especially Paris.



Which of course leads nicely to the old joke - how many men does it take to defend Paris? No one knows, no one's ever tried.


----------



## finney

SamG340 said:


> Oh grow up, stop being offended by everything. I bet you're a millennial ? I'm right aren't I ? I can tell just by the way you're acting. You feel like you're entitled to tell other people what they can and can't say, what they're allowed to find funny.
> 
> Everyone else here is having fun, the only one being "toxic" is you.



Too funny... You're the one acting like a big baby. I was just politely stating a different point of view. You're the one trying to cancel my point of view by shouting me down - exactly what the Woke people you're so upset about do.

I'm far from a millenial by the way


----------



## AES

TRITON said:


> BEF. It does ring a bell...
> 
> Oh yeah, that was the jolly jaunt my Grandfather was in.
> 51st Highland division, Corporal McCafferty Transportation. He was in the rear guard action at Dunkirk.
> He didnt make it out with the initial evacuation, as in after the last big boat had left, but a day later I think(Family details are a little sketchy.
> He and a small party spent the day avoiding Nazi patrols before being picked up by a Belgium fishing boat. I've always meant to see if I could access his war diary, but Mum's old(80) and can't remember all the details we need to get info for it.
> 
> I didnt say we abandoned the French. There was a mix up in that the British were intent on their evac, thinking the french were responsible for their own evac.
> 
> The point of fact -
> " The reason few French warships were available at Dunkirk was because of an agreement between Royal Navy and French Navy commanders concerning theatres of responsibility; this arrangement had, thus, resulted in much of the French fleet being stationed in the Mediterranean. Now, the Royal Navy would have to shoulder the responsibility for evacuating the French, as well as the BEF, from Dunkirk
> 
> Despite British willingness to help their French allies, the most undiplomatic figure of the Anglo-French military and naval coalition was none other than the commander of the BEF, Field Marshal Lord Gort, whose scathing remarks and dismissiveness of the French martial ability throughout the Battle of France possibly helped drive a wedge between the Allies.
> 
> 
> When Gort first learned of the arrangements for the French at his headquarters at La Panne on 29 May, he immediately telegraphed the Chief of the Imperial General Staff, Field Marshal Sir John Dill, to ask for clarification on whether French troops were to be evacuated alongside British troops in equal numbers. Gort reminded Dill that the safety of the BEF was his primary consideration: ‘every Frenchman embarked is at cost of one Englishman "




I retract my earlier comment Triton. It seems you do know that part of history. And BTW, I agree 100%, Lord Gort was, apparently "a typical Brit" (Army Brit anyway)!.


----------



## SamG340

finney said:


> I'm far from a millenial by the way



Well if you're not a millennial you've certainly been letting them rub off on you ...


----------



## fixit45

One thing that is more to the point, is not who did the most in the war, but all the undeserving people who lost their lives because a few power hungry cretins.


----------



## Linus

SamG340 said:


> Guilty
> View attachment 130636


No I'M guilty! (or should that be Spartacus?)


----------



## SamG340

Linus said:


> No I'M guilty! (or should that be Spartacus?)



For me, as long as you've got a good sharp chisel you're doing OK


----------



## Phill05

Come on chaps let put the past behind us for a while before this get changed to the History channel and get back into jokes.

Question: how many bright spark's does it take to light a light bulb?


----------



## SamG340

Phill05 said:


> Come on chaps let put the past behind us for a while before this get changed to the History channel and get back into jokes.
> 
> Question: how many bright spark's does it take to light a light bulb?



I don't know Phil how many ?


----------



## Thingybob

SamG340 said:


> It's alright saying all that AES you Swiss wouldn't even take a side !


Here we go again


----------



## Thingybob

Pedronicus said:


> View attachment 130607


Pedronicus where on earth do you think you are, Anyone would think this was a joke thread (I used to)


----------



## jcassidy

Talking about kerryman jokes; an Englishman, Scotsman, and an Irishman were crossing the Outback when the car broke down, so they decide to hoof it to the nearest town. It is a bit hot, so the Englishman takes the only bottle of water. The Scostman takes the only hat. The Irishman takes the car door.
"What are you doing with that?" asks the Englishman.
"Well, when it gets too hot, I'll roll down the window and let in some fresh air"


----------



## PhilTilson

Oh, come on guys! Just as I thought we had finally got back to a 'joke thread' it turns all political and bleeding-heart again. By definition, jokes are nearly always at the expense of somebody or other's limitations or peculiarities. If you find racism, sexism, nationalism or any other -ism in humour unacceptable, then spare yourself the angst and don't read the thread! And if somebody DOES whinge and complain, don't fuel the argument by remonstrating with him or her - just ignore them!


----------



## Thingybob

SamG340 said:


> For me, as long as you've got a good sharp chisel you're doing OK


Never heard it called a chisel before must be a Welsh thing lol


----------



## SamG340

Thingybob said:


> Never heard it called a chisel before must be a Welsh thing lol



It's a tool we use for restraining sheeps


----------



## TRITON

AES said:


> I retract my earlier comment Triton. It seems you do know that part of history. And BTW, I agree 100%, Lord Gort was, apparently "a typical Brit" (Army Brit anyway)!.


Yeah well we unfortunately had too many inbred aristocrats running the show, pretty much the reason Britain never really won a war, unless it was a native people in some undeveloped corner of the world, who's primary weapon consisted of a sharpened stick. 
Mind you, even then it was touch and go.
Our 'war leaders' looked upon the population as little more than cannon fodder, and that attitude pretty much led to the BEF needing to leave rapid style.

Funnily enough Germany at the start of WW2 wasn't as mechanized as most think. Much of their transportation was conducted with horses and they like us still had cavalry units, with sabres and lances

The equipment left behind by the BEF went a long way to helping them modernize.


----------



## Linus

Just remember God must love stupid people; He made so many!


----------



## paulrbarnard

TRITON said:


> I bet he sharpens using a jig.



sharpening with a jaunty jig
Google Image Result for https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--4ScViOUF--/1401803763927459243.gif


----------



## Phil Pascoe

Linus said:


> Just remember God must love stupid people; He made so many!


"Think of how stupid the average person is, and then imagine that half the people are stupider than that!" - George Carlin


----------



## Inspector

Pete


----------



## MikeK

It's time to put this thread to bed and start a new joke thread









Joke Thread II


Can we please have a thread called "Joke Thread Car Park" so that those who feel the need can discuss their grievances outside, without smashing up the furniture. Mod edit: You get to start the new Joke thread.




www.ukworkshop.co.uk


----------

