# A warning to all.



## tinytim1458 (8 May 2013)

I have just found out today that because I did not sweep my floor good enough today and did not put a magazine back in it's rack when she said even though I was reading it at the time she has given the whole contents of my workshop away for free to someone I do not know who comes tomorrow to pick it all up so she can turn it into her planting shed and relaxing place.
She has been hinting for ages that I spent to much time in there, though I am lucky if am able to spend as much as an hour a week in there due to ongoing health conditions.
She wants to pin me to my disability seat so she knows where I am and that I am safe as she calls it.
Great for her I suppose.
Oh well at least I can research how to take my own life stuck in a chair on my mobile phone as long as she let's me keep that.
An unhappy no longer woodworker or woodturner.


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## heatherw (8 May 2013)

Tiny Tim, can't you talk to your wife about this? I don't know what your situation is, but I find it hard to imagine a relationship where something like that could happen. Perhaps you're letting yourself be seen as a victim and are being treated accordingly? Anyway, if someone arrives to pick up stuff can't you just say that it's yours not hers and that it's not going anywhere? Why is it that you can't say anything? Stand up for yourself, please, I need to come back from work to find out that you've done something about this.

Best of luck and power to you,

Heather


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## Jacob (8 May 2013)

Sounds a bit grim Tim.
Just say no. You have rights too. And you probably have more power than you think, to run your life. What about counselling (for the wife) - or if you mean it about topping yourself start with the Samaritans.


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## Steve Maskery (8 May 2013)

Hi Tim
I don't have a suggestion, but I just wanted you to know that people are rooting for you.
Under different circumstances, admittedly, I lost my workshop as a result of my wife's decisions, and that is the hardest thing I've had to endure. I'm not up and running again yet, nearly two years on.
But that property is yours, taking it away without your permission is theft.
If I lived closer I'd come round to see you.
S


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## smoggy49 (8 May 2013)

The Shed that eternal icon of male solitude and independence. Away from the order of the house, the shed play,s an important role in the male psyche. Tell your wife to potter off its a man's right to have one like Steve Id be there tomorrow as well if work and geography permitted !


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## woodshavings (8 May 2013)

Tim,
Call your local Citizens Advice (08444 111 444), and explain what has happened. Its obviously a delicate situation, but they should be able of offer help/advice directly or refer you to an organisation who can.
John


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## mailee (8 May 2013)

Pack her cases and show her the door! No way would I put up with that! Surely there is some sort of compromise to this situation? This is like her cutting off your arms.


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## Cowboy _Builder (8 May 2013)

I'd like to belive that TT is being honest ,but it seems like drastic action for such a minor offence .... I may be a bit of a sceptic but I seem to recall that he had a few thing donated in the past and was thought to be selling them on , now perhaps he wants to pack up woodworking and is using this as an excuse in case anyone was to ask what happened to his tools .
I just find it hard to belive that anyone would give someones tools away without permission .
There is more to this story than we are privy to .....even the most generous of us would at least ask for a small donation to a local charity for a shed full of tools.

I don't know Tim and wish him well in the future and I really hope i'm wrong :? !!!


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## marcus (8 May 2013)

> I just find it hard to belive that anyone would give someones tools away without permission .



I don't, people do all sorts of strange things. Not everyone is well balanced or rational. 



> I just wanted you to know that people are rooting for you.



+1. You need those things. Don't let her get away with it. They are yours and you don't have to let whoever is coming take them. I second the suggestion to give the CAB a ring and explain the situation.


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## nanscombe (8 May 2013)

Does the adage "What's yours is mine, what's mine's my own" apply when you have a partner? :shock:


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## Glynne (8 May 2013)

Nigel,

I think that quote is part of the bride's vows?


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## Racers (8 May 2013)

Change the lock on the shed and hide the keys.

Pete


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## wizard (8 May 2013)

Tim you say you spend less than an hour a week in the shed, in another post you say your short of money so sell the tools on eBay. You seem fed up with life so find something you can do. (Mod Edit). I am disabled and short of money and things go wrong but I get on with it and do not tell the world about it.


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## powertools (8 May 2013)

From the tone of most of the replies to this thread I suspect that none of you have ever had to take on the role of carer for a loved one.
Without going into too much detail I spent most of the 1980’s and early 1990’s being just that as well as being the bread winner and I can tell you that it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
There were times out of pure frustration and exhaustion I said things I did not mean.
There is a lot more help and support out there now than there was in the 1980’s and it sounds to me as if you and your wife both need to step back and seek some support that could give her some free time each week to put herself first.
It is all too easy for the cared for to forget the needs of the carer.


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## marcus (8 May 2013)

> It is all too easy for the cared for to forget the needs of the carer.



Fair point; my first reaction was based on what would I feel if someone did that to MY tools, but relationships are more complex and two sided than first reactions admit....


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## doctor Bob (8 May 2013)

What exactly are you warning us about?

1/ sweeping up properly
2/ putting magazines away
3/ annoying the wife
4/ gardeners

I'm a bit confused?


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## Nick Gibbs (8 May 2013)

powertools":35ldc9t3 said:


> From the tone of most of the replies to this thread I suspect that none of you have ever had to take on the role of carer for a loved one.
> Without going into too much detail I spent most of the 1980’s and early 1990’s being just that as well as being the bread winner and I can tell you that it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
> There were times out of pure frustration and exhaustion I said things I did not mean.
> There is a lot more help and support out there now than there was in the 1980’s and it sounds to me as if you and your wife both need to step back and seek some support that could give her some free time each week to put herself first.
> It is all too easy for the cared for to forget the needs of the carer.



This is ever so sad. I met Tim a few times, and visited his workshop. Woodwork is such an important therapy for many people, but being a carer with small children must also be so difficult. Best wishes to all concerned. If only there was more the rest of us could do to help.

Nick


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## custard (9 May 2013)

This post has made me think.

If you're a disabled woodworker in the South Hampshire area (say between Southampton and Bournemouth or anywhere in the New Forest) and you'd like some assistance with your woodwork, then send me an email and I'll try to help.

I've a lathe, bandsaw, panel saw, planer thicknesser, vacuum veneer press, spindle moulder, etc. So I can dimension your wood, help you source timber, or support with whatever other woodworking problems you have.


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## dunbarhamlin (9 May 2013)

=D>


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## Phil Pascoe (9 May 2013)

Reading that post again, I suspect the omissions are saying more than the words. It's more than a little scary, I hope everything works out OK.


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## billybuntus (9 May 2013)

I can only hope Tims post was in gest?

Perhaps you could reason with her by telling her to **** right off?


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## tinytim1458 (9 May 2013)

The guy did come round this morning with a big grin on his face saying what should I take out first but I had put a padlock on it and just said that my wife and I are going through problems and that the stuff was not for sale.
He went on about a verbal agreement with my wife and I just said that that did not matter as you never had it on paper.
Also pointed out that it could be time of the month with my wife where her emotions are usually all over the place.
Tried to persuade her to go to mental health or something as she flew off the handle a bit much trying to give my tools away but apparently I am the one with the mental problems not her.
I Don't know what to do at the moment to please her and stop her selling my stuff as she has power of eternity over me for when I get really bad times of illness including sending me to a mental institution if she sees fit
She has agreed to hold off the sale of my stuff well give it away free that is but I have to spend all my time that I am well enough to look after her as she has had enough of looking after me and the kids and no one else will help from our family or the governmental she has already had three mental breakdowns which the doctor said put up with it as they no longer have any services to help her.
I have a feeling that is why she said or did what she did to me.
So I will have to abandon my shed and commitments until she can get to a stage where she will allow me to use it again if she does not get rid of it in the mean time.
I cannot help being disabled and ill most of the time so seems a bit rough for her to blame me for all her problems.
still means I don't get to do any Woodwork or Woodturning as i have to look after her until she is mentally stronger but at the moment I still can keep my workshop
Tim


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## Phil Pascoe (9 May 2013)

........."The power of eternity"....must seem like it!


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## heatherw (9 May 2013)

Thanks Tim for a longer explanation of the situation. I'm glad you stood up for yourself, although from what you say I can also see your wife's point of view. It's obvious that powertools is right and that your wife is in an untenable situation. Aren't there any local voluntary groups that could help her out a bit? It sounds as though you need to get out on your own and she needs some rest from her obligations. 

Last night I was looking through all your old posts because I didn't know who you were and at the beginning when you first joined this forum your wife was supporting you against all comers. I think the situation has just got too much for her and, while it's hard for you, there is a lot of self-pity coming through in your posts which isn't helping anyone. You will be in the same situation whether you indulge in self-pity or not, and both you and your family will be much happier if you don't. 

This may sound harsh, and I don't mean it that way, here in Spain I'm closely involved with a lot of disabled people as my partner's sister had polio, is married to another polio sufferer, and her circle of friends includes many disabled people who get together quite often for meals or trips. When the gossiping starts, the people who get slagged off are the moaners, there are many severely disabled people who just get on with it, manage to do things that you would think impossible, and get nothing but admiration from their peers. Remember the old adage, there is always someone worse off than you are.


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## nanscombe (9 May 2013)

Would there be any advantage to a spell of respite care, just to give one, or both, of you a break?

Short stay care and respite (BUPA)



> Caring for a loved one can be rewarding, but time off for both of you is essential. Short care breaks (respite) allow carers the time to recharge their batteries while offering their loved ones the reassurance of 24-hour care.
> 
> Bupa Care Homes offer short care breaks throughout the year – perfect for when you’re planning your next holiday, or if you just need a well-earned rest.



Respite care homes in Gloucestershire


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## charvercarver (9 May 2013)

Sorry to see you going through all that. I see you're in Stonehouse if you have some means of transport you could come to the Butterfly Garden by staverton airport. It's a charity mostly for learning difficulties but open to everyone, they've got a workshop with lathes and a bandsaw. There are a couple of turners volenteering there already plus meself. If you fancy a day off you'd be more than welcome, we can always use more woodworkers.

http://www.thebutterflygarden.org/


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## billybuntus (9 May 2013)

Very sorry to hear of your troubles and apologies for my comment earlier. Although that is how I would deal with it I'm clearly not living a troubled life as you are.

Keep your chin up. Something will work out. It's hard to keep a good man down.


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## doorframe (9 May 2013)

Tim. This is not something that happens in a healthy marriage. And *'putting her in her place'* is definitely not the answer. You both need to see a professional marriage guidance councillor ASAP. I don't doubt that you love and care for each other very much, but there are some deep problems there that need sorting. Good luck.


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## Hardwood66 (9 May 2013)

From the bottom of my heart, don't give up


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## powertools (9 May 2013)

Tim.
The first thing I am going to say is that I have every sympathy for you as a disabled person however I have as much if not more sympathy for your wife who I assume is able bodied but has taken on the roll of carer and has had to adapt to the life style of a disabled loved one.
From the scant one sided information you have given on your posts it is impossible for any of us to give you any constructive advice but without doubt there is far more happening in your and your wife’s life’s than you have told us.
The following is an opinion of someone who willingly took over the role of carer in the 1980’s until the early 1990’s and is well placed to tell you how it can be from the other side of things.
In your opening post you have said that your wife has given your tools away so that she can turn the shed “Into her planting and relaxing place” to my mind there is no doubt that she did not mean it but it shows a sign of total frustration that she is unable to pursue things that able bodied people take for granted and you need to take her feelings on board.
I notice that between your first post and the second that custard offered some man type wood work help but you did not mention that in your second post I can only hope that you took the time to take him up on his very kind offer or at least thank him via pm message.
In your second post you have said that no one will help you or your family but then comes along charvercarver who points you to another opportunity. There is plenty going on out there and in the day of the internet it should not be that hard to find you owe it to your self and your family to search out things that can help improve life for you and all your family under difficult circumstances that you all face.
I sincerely hope that nothing I have said has upset any body. I joined this forum to improve my wood work skills but this thread just touched a nerve and brought back memories I thought were long since forgotten


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## Lons (9 May 2013)

doorframe":50h58f7p said:


> Tim. This is not something that happens in a healthy marriage. And *'putting her in her place'* is definitely not the answer. You both need to see a professional marriage guidance councillor ASAP. I don't doubt that you love and care for each other very much, but there are some deep problems there that need sorting. Good luck.



+1

Some serious discussions are probably needed in the presence of a trained councellor or it's likely to fester and get worse. A very difficult situation for both of you and you MUST take action if only for the sake of the kids. What affect is your relationship having on them?

Good luck with whatever you do fella - my best wishes are with you.

Bob


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## John51 (10 May 2013)

Take up online poker. Drives them nuts.


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## promhandicam (10 May 2013)

If you are only able to use the shed an hour a week then why not see if part of it can be used for your wife's hobby? You could also plan to make some simple planters which should go down well if your wife enjoys gardening.


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## Random Orbital Bob (10 May 2013)

Finally...the voice of balance and reason.


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## Benchwayze (11 May 2013)

I am caring for my wife at the moment, and I'm stumbling around on one false knee, whilst in urgent need of another replacement. So I can't spend much time in the shop. But I do find some slots I can use. 

I keep getting told that I cannot do this, that or the other, but my answer is the same.' If I can keep on the case looking after you dear, I can do a spot of light woodwork.' Mind you, my wife would never dream of giving away my tools without prior consultation and agreement. As someone said, to do so would be theft. (Marriage vows aside.)

Time to front-up for yourself Tim.


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## gregmcateer (11 May 2013)

TT,
Please take the sensible advice offered above - Do talk to each other and with each other from a position of shared care and concern for each other. It may seem tough or impossible now, though there will have been good times in the past, memories of which you can both draw on to rebuild a happier future.

Only you and she can really understand the situation, yet counselling and care really can help.

Best of luck to you both and your kids. As said above - there are plenty of people here sending out their best wishes.

Greg


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## Robbo3 (12 May 2013)

Chin up Tiny Tim.

Keep reading the magazines.


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## tinytim1458 (15 May 2013)

Hi all that have given me ideas of how to handle the situation and support on here.

Finally persuaded my wife to let me keep the workshop and all my gear, found out the issue with the workshop was just the top of the iceberg, the final straw in what had been happening here.

My wife is Very good at hiding her emotions and state of mind until things blow up and I end up in the firing line as I am closer to her than anyone else at the time.

Problems with my son being bullied at school by one boy and the teachers ignoring saying it was my sons fault.

Plus so many other things that I cannot mention that she kept away from me because I was too ill, even though I am not much better.
Thanks again you have helped me with ideas.
Hopefully she will not do this again (sell or give away my workshop tools and machines) I have told her to tell me rather than hide it and make herself worse
Tim


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## tinytim1458 (15 May 2013)

Have to just make sure I keep the workshop and the tools by making her a present out of wood every so often so that she can appreciate what I do.
Thanks again everyone advise taken.
Tim


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## gregmcateer (15 May 2013)

TT,

I am so pleased you have started the process of talking and listening to your wife. At risk of teaching you to suck eggs - For both your sakes, do keep the communication going - don't be too blokey about it and just assume it's all 'fixed' - A relationship needs lots of ongoing attention - A wise person once said to me that a relationship either grows or shrinks - it never just stands still.

Best wishes to you both,

Greg


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## [email protected] (16 May 2013)

Always be careful in setting precedents in a relationship when it starts! Once someone in a relationship starts getting their own way, it ends up like the op. Good luck, hope it sorts itself......


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