# Jokes!!



## MikeG. (29 Dec 2008)

Prince Charles was driving his Range Rover around on the Sandringham estate when suddenly a corgi rushed out in front of him from behind a bush. He didn't have time to stop or swerve, and squished it flat.

He got out of the car, and recognising that the corgi he had just turned to mush was his mother's favourite just stood there distraught, head in hands.

"What am I going to do? Mama's favourite corgi and I've flattened it. Oh dear me......"

Just when he had plucked up the courage to go and tell the Queen of her loss, out from behind a tree popped a leprechaun!!!

"It'll be your lucky day, Sir, it will" said the leprechaun.

"Lucky day?! I've just run over my mother's favourite corgi......how can it be my lucky day?"

"Well, you've just met Seamus the Leprechaun, and he grants you two wishes"

"You have magic powers?" asks the Prince.

"Of course" said Seamus, "and you can have two wishes".

"Ok", said Charles quickly......."My first wish is that you restore this corgi to life".

Seamus walked over to the flattened corgi, took one look at the squished body and said "No chance, sorry. That dog is squashed flat and beyond even my powers. Absolutely nothing can be done for it, poor soul. Its gone. Dead. History. Kaput."

Charles thought for a minute and then asked...."I still have one wish left?"

"Surely, you do" said Seamus.

"Right, my good man......my second wish is that you make Camilla beautiful"

Seamus replied:
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"Right, let's take another look at that corgi then Sir"


Mike


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## jaymar (2 Jan 2009)

A family take an old lady to a nursing home to see if she likes it. Next morning she is bathed, dressed and given some breakfast. Tge attendant settles her in a comfy chair and leaves her, A little while later, as he is passing the attendant notices the old lady lslowly leaning over. he rushes to her side and gently straightens her up . She is ok for a few minutes then once again she starts leaning. This goes on all morning. After lunch her family arrive to see how she is doing "How do you like it here?" asks her daughter.
"Well, it's alright" said the old lady "But they won't let me fart!"


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## loftyhermes (9 Jan 2009)

Here's just a few occaisions that Hallmark cards don't cover.

1. I always wanted 
To have someone to hold, 
Someone to love. 
After meeting you ...

(inside card)...... 

I changed my mind. 


2. I must admit, 
You brought religion into my life ... 

(inside card)....

I never believed in Hell 
Until I met you. 


3. As the days go by, 
I think how lucky I am ... 

(inside card).... 

That you're not here 
To ruin it for me. 


4. Congratulations on your promotion. 
Before you go ... 

(inside card)

Will you take the knife from my back? 
You'll probably need it again. 


5. Someday I hope to marry ... 

(inside card)....... 

Someone other than you. 


6. Happy birthday! 
You look great for your age ... 

(inside card)...... 

Almost life-like! 


7. When we were together, 
You said you'd die for me ... 

(inside card)...... 

Now we've broken up, 
I think it's time 
To keep your promise. 


8. We've been friends for a very long time ... 

(inside card)........ 

What do you say we stop? 


9. I'm so miserable without you .. 

(inside card)....... 

It's almost like you're still here. 


10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. . 

(inside card)..... 

Did you ever find out who the father was? 


11. You are such a good friend 
If we were on a sinking ship 
And there was only one life jacket ... 

(inside card)........ 

I'd miss you terribly 
And think of you often. 


12. Your friends and I wanted 
to do something really special 
for your birthday ... 

(inside card)........ 

So we're having you put to sleep. 


13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! 
(Available only in Alabama, Mississippi, and 
West Virginia). 


14. Looking back over the years 
We've been together, 
I can't help but wonder .. 


(inside card)........ 

What was I thinking? 


15. Congratulations on your wedding day! ... 

(inside card)....... 

Too bad no one likes your husband. 


16. How could two people as beautiful as you ... 

(inside card)........ 

Have such an ugly baby


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## loftyhermes (9 Jan 2009)

TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences; he thought he was God and I didn't. 
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive. 
6.. You're just jealous because the voices talk only to me.
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 
9. I'm not a complete silly person -- some parts are just missing.
10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 
11 NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine. 
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
16.. Being, "over the hill", is much better than being under it! 
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up. 
18.. Procrastinate Now!
19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts. Do You want Fries With That? 
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap; park elsewhere! 
23.. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25.. A picture is worth a thousand words but it uses up three thousand times the memory. 
26.. Ham and eggs? A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. 
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.


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## woodbloke (9 Jan 2009)

A game of golf 



Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. 

His buddies all chimed in and said, 'Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning.' 

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. 

The first guy says, 'Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it.' 

Number 2 guy says, 'I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.' 

Number 3 guy says 'Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual.' 

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds. 

'I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I woke up, slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf.' 



......and she said





'Take a sweater'.


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## toysandboats (9 Jan 2009)

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
while we were in bed. I turned to her and said,

"Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....


********

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'

And she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience
at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have
gotten Disability, too'

And then the fight started.....


****

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage .

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back
out into a torrential downpour .

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped
back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And that's how the fight started ...


****

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school
reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she
sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she
took to drinking right after we split up those many & years ago, and I
hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go o n
celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....


****

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other
driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little
things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I
AM NOT HAPPY! !!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are
you?'

And then the fight started.....


****

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason,
took my order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And then the fight started.....


****

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me
a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....


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## Derek Willis. (11 Jan 2009)

]This may just tickle your fancy.
Derek.


A woman went to a WalMart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund

for the toaster she bought because it won't work The clerk told her that he can't give her 

a refund because she bought it on special. 

Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,



'PINCH MY NIPPLES,PINCH MY NIPPLES,PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!' 

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager In front of a growing crowd of customers. 

The manager comes to the woman and asks, 'Ma'am what's wrong?' 

She explains the problem with the toaster, and he also tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. 

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screams,



'PINCH MY NIPPLES,PINCH MY NIPPLES,PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!'?

Which begins to draw an even bigger crowd! 

In shock, the store manager pleads,

'Ma'am, why are you saying that?'



In a huff, the woman says,





'BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!!' 

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!! 


Now stop laughing and send it to your friends.


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## Benchwayze (13 Jan 2009)

Mike Garnham":2bu7dzoj said:


> Prince Charles was driving his Range Rover around on the Sandringham estate when suddenly a corgi rushed out in front of him from behind a bush. He didn't have time to stop or swerve, and squished it flat.
> 
> He got out of the car, and recognising that the corgi he had just turned to mush was his mother's favourite just stood there distraught, head in hands.
> 
> ...



He can't drive on the road:
He can't see a Corgi:
He gets married to Camilla:

Maybe he should have wished for some specs!


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## Derek Willis. (13 Jan 2009)

>> When in England, at a fairly large conference,
>> Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if
>> our plans for Iraq were just an example of 'Empire
>> building' by George Bush. He answered by saying,
>> 'Over the years, the United States has sent many of its
>> fine young men and women into great peril to fight for
>> freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have
>> ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did
>> not return.'
>> You could have heard a pin drop.
>>
>>
>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>
>> There was a conference in France where a
>> number of international engineers were taking part,
>> including French and American.
>>
>>
>> During a break, one of the French engineers
>> came back into the room saying, 'Have you heard the
>> latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft
>> carrier to Indonesia to help the Tsunami victims. What does
>> he intend to do, bomb them?'
>> A Boeing engineer stood up and replied
>> quietly: 'Our carriers have three hospitals on board
>> that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear-
>> powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore
>> facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to
>> feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce
>> several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each
>> day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in
>> transporting victims and injured to and from their flight
>> deck.'
>> 'We have 11 such ships; how many does
>> France have?'
>>
>> You could have heard a pin drop..
>>
>>
>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>
>> A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval
>> conference that included Admirals from the U.S., English,
>> Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail
>> reception, he found himself standing with a large group of
>> Officers that included personnel from most of those
>> countries.
>> Everyone was chatting away in English
>> as they sipped their drinks, but a French Admiral suddenly
>> complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages,
>> Americans learn only English.' He then asked, 'Why
>> is it that we always have to speak English in these
>> conferences rather than speaking French?'
>> Without hesitating, the American Admiral
>> replied 'Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians,
>> Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have
>> to speak German.'
>>
>> You could have heard a pin drop
>>
>>
>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>
>> AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE
>> ABOVE...
>>
>>
>> Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of
>> 83, arrived in Paris by plane.
>>
>> At French Customs, he took a few minutes to
>> locate his passport in his carry on.
>> 'You have been to France before,
>> monsieur?' the Customs officer asked sarcastically.
>> Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to
>> France previously.
>> 'Then you should know enough to have
>> your passport ready.'
>> The American said,' The last time I
>> was here, I didn't have to
>> show it.'
>> "Impossible. Americans always have to
>> show your passports on arrival in France!'
>> The American senior gave the Frenchman a
>> long hard
>> look. Then he quietly explained,
>> "'Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day
>> in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a
>> single Frenchmen to show a passport to.'
>>
>> You could have heard
>> a pin drop.


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## woodbloke (13 Jan 2009)

Gordon Brown was visiting a primary school in North Yorkshire where helooked in on one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words andtheir meanings.

The teacher asked Mr. Brown if he would like to lead the
discussion on the word 'tragedy'.
So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of
a 'tragedy'. 
A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who
lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy.'
No,' said Brown........' that would be an accident.'
A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying
fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy'
'I'm afraid not,' explained Mr. Brown ' that's what we would
call great loss'
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Gordon
Brown searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand.
In a quiet voice he said: 'If a plane carrying you and your entire labour cabinet was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'
'Fantastic!' exclaimed Brown. 'That's right. And can you tell
me why that would be tragedy?'
'Well,' says little Johnny 'it has to be a tragedy, because
it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f**king accident either!'


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## Benchwayze (13 Jan 2009)

I can't really comment on that one! On the grounds I might be divulging my political leanings; or my familiarity with portable G to A Missiles.


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## NickWelford (14 Jan 2009)

Always raises a smile - but seems to have been applied to just about every administration for years...........


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## Benchwayze (14 Jan 2009)

Are you saying it's an old 'joke' Nick? :lol:


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## woodbloke (14 Jan 2009)

This from somewhere else :wink:...across the pond :lol: 


"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." -Army Magazine of Preventive Maintenance.

"Aim towards the Enemy." -Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. -U.S. Marine Corps

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs always hit the ground." -U.S. Air Force

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." -Infantry Journal

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." -U.S. Air Force Manual

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." -Gen. MacArthur

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." -Infantry Journal

"You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me." -U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

"Tracers work both ways." -U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five second fuses only last three seconds." -Infantry Journal

"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything." -U. S. Navy Swabbie

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." -David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." -Infantry Journal

"No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection." -Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." -Anon

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." -Unknown Marine Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." -Your Buddies


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## RogerM (29 Jan 2009)

After months of saving, Italian Genaro purchases a £300 pair of Boccelli leather shoes. Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement. 

Gennaro seizes this opportunity to wear his new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time. 

He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, 'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?' 

Startled, Sophia replies, 'Yes, Gennaro, I do wear red panties tonight, But how do you know?' 

Gennaro answers, 'I see the reflection in my new £300 Boccelli leather shoes. 

Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, 

' Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?' 

Rosa answers, 'Yes, Gennaro, I do, But how do you know that?' 

He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new £300 Boccelli leather shoes. 

For the last dance Gennaro asks Carmela to dance.

Midway through the dance his face turns red. 

He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart, Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, Please, please, tella me this true!' 

Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Gennaro, I wear no panties tonight.' 

Gennaro gasps, 'Thanka God .... I thought I had a crack in my £300 Boccelli leather shoes!'


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## Benchwayze (29 Jan 2009)

NickWelford":24piczvr said:


> Always raises a smile - but seems to have been applied to just about every administration for years...........



Ref your signature Nick, 
Inside this older person is a younger person saying,

'They warned me about this, but at the time I believed I was immortal!' 
:lol:


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## Steve Maskery (2 Feb 2009)

Walter's Wonderful World of Wasps

Walter Willoughby was a wasp expert. He reckoned he could identify any wasp just by the sound it makes. You could say that he was a bit of a Wizard with Wasps.

One day Walter was walking past Rodney’s Records, when he spotted something in the window. It was an old shabby LP called _The Wonderful World of Wasps._

“Ooh, that’s interesting”, thought Walter, “_The Wonderful World of Wasps._ that’s right up my street. If there is anything new on there I’ll be even more of a wizard on wasps”.

Walter went inside and went up to Rodney, the Sole Prop of Rodney’s Records, to enquire about the record in the window. “Hello,” said Walter, “I’d like to listen to the record you have in the window, _Wasp World_”.

“Oh yes,” replied Rodney, “do you mean _The Wonderful World of Wasps?”_

“Yes, that’s the one,” replied Walter, “_The wonderful World of Wasps_. You see, I am a big fan of wasps; I can identify any wasp just from its sound. In fact, some people say that I’m a bit of a wizard with wasps.”

“I’ll put it on for you, you can listen in booth number 4.”

So Walter went over to the booth and put on the headphones.

Imagine his delight when the sound started. The very first track was a brand new sound he’d never heard before! More wonderful wasp sounds to make him even more of a wizard with wasps. Fantastic!

But wait – what’s this? Track 2 was new, too. Surely not, TWO new wasps sounds he hadn’t heard before, this was wonderful beyond his wildest dreams.

But then came track three and track four, both brand new wasp sounds. This was getting fishy and Walter didn’t like it. Perhaps he wasn’t such a wizard after all. Walter reckoned something must be wrong.

So he went back to Rodney, the Sole Prop of Rodney’s Records, and asked:

“I’m sorry to bother you, Rodney, but I am an expert on wasps. I can identify any wasp by its sound, that’s why people say that I am a bit of a wizard with wasps. But this record is full of sounds I’ve not heard before. That seems very strange. Can you please check that you put the right record on?”

Now Rodney, the Sole Prop of Rodney’s Records, was none too pleased at having his professional competence queried, but he knew of Walter’s reputation as a bit of a wizard with wasps, so he went to check. It was a good job he did, really, because he had to come back and eat humble pie.

“I’m terribly sorry, Walter,” admitted Rodney, the Sole Prop of Rodney’s Records, “I made a mistake.”
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“I’d put on the bee side!”


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## Geno (2 Feb 2009)

Thats terrible Steve!!!


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## brianhabby (2 Feb 2009)

:lol:   :lol:


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## RogerM (6 Feb 2009)

This lady approaches a priest and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.' 

'What do they say?' the priest asked. 

'They only know how to say, 'Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'' 

'That's terrible!' the priest exclaimed, 'But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship.' 

'Thank you,' said the lady. 

The next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. 

The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say, 'Hi, we are prostitutes! Do you want to have some fun?' 

One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and screams, 'Frank! Put the Bibles away--our prayers have been answered!'


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## The Shark (8 Feb 2009)

2 farmers were rounding up sheep when one of the ewes ran wild, and ran into a fence getting her head stuck.
The 2 farmers looked at each other and paused.
One says "This is too good an opportunity to miss", unzips his flies and rides the ewe for 10 minutes.
When he has finished, he asks his buddy if he fancies some of that?
"You are dead right I do", he says, so he frantically pulls down his trousers and sticks his head in the fence!


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## loftyhermes (11 Feb 2009)

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. 
He is shown several possibilities that range from £250 to £500 in price -- the more 
sheer, the higher the price. Naturally,he opts for the most sheer item, pays the £500, 
and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, 
and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she' s no dummy ), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that
it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, 
return it tomorrow, and keep the £500 refund for myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, 
'Good Grief! You'd think for £500, they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.


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## smithrdn (12 Feb 2009)

wow great collection of jokes, hopefully very soon there would be one of mine


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## loftyhermes (12 Feb 2009)

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh 

'Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.' 

'Okay then,' Fred said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than an AAA battery. 

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure. 

'I'm so sorry,' said the nurse. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me,what seems to be the problem?' 


'...It's swollen,' Fred replied.


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## big soft moose (12 Feb 2009)

A man walks 
into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. 
The waitress asks them for their 
orders. 



The 
man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to 
the ostrich, 'What's yours?' 

'I'll 
have the same,' says the ostrich. 

A 
short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That 
will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket 
and pulls out the exact change for 
payment. 

The next day, the man and the 
ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries 
and a coke.'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the 
same.' 

Again the man reaches into his 
pocket and pays with exact change. 

This 
becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' 
asks the waitress.

'No, this is Friday night, 
so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says 
the man. 

'Same,' says the 
ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the 
order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once 
again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and 
places it on the table.

The waitress 
cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, 
sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact 
change in your pocket every time?'

'Well,' 
says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic 
and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared 
and offered me two wishes. My first wish was 
that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put 
my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always 
be there.' 



'That's brilliant!' 
says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million 
dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you 
want for as long as you live!' 

'That's 
right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the 
exact money is always there,' says the 
man..

The waitress asks, 'What's with the 
ostrich?' 


The 
man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a 
tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with 
everything I say.'


----------



## andycktm (12 Feb 2009)

Man sitting at home looking at his marriage certificate.
Wife asks "what are you looking for?"
Man replies"the ******* expiry date"


----------



## maltrout512 (13 Feb 2009)

A Farmer buys a new bull puts it in the field with the cows and all it did was eat grass and sh.t. This went on for a week. Still nothing happens. Market day in town, he's having a chat with another farmer. Tells him the story of his new bull.
The other farmer said that he had had that problem last year with a new bull he had bought, but he had solved the problem.

What you do is go up behind a cow and wipe your hand over her back end. Then go up to the bull and rub it onto his nose.

Did it work

Within minutes my bull couldn't stop doing what he was bought for.

So the farmer goes home and goes into the field up behind a cow wipes his hand over her backend. Then he goes up to the bull and smears his hand over the bulls nose. Well yep within minutes the bull started doing what he was bought for.

Late that night in bed he was thinking of how he solved the problem of his bull. I wonder. Moving his hand across to his wife, he has a little rummage, then wipes his hand over his nose. Well within seconds he has the biggest stiff he's ever hand. 

Not wanting to waste the moment he started to shake his wife to wake her. Groaning she turned the light on and sat up and looked at him and said, It's 3 in the morning and you just woke me up to tell me you have a nose bleed....


----------



## llangatwgnedd (13 Feb 2009)

Ugh, disgusting.  

Keep them coming.


----------



## Pip (15 Feb 2009)

The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. This 
announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the 
British government's **/Work for the Dole/** scheme and employ some 
Liverpudlian youngsters.*

*The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on 
how unemployed youths from Liverpool were able to remove a set of wheels 
in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's 
existing crew could only do it in eight seconds with millions of pound's 
worth of high tech equipment.*

*It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management 
team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an 
advantage over every other team.*

*However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the crew's first 
practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all 
four wheels in under six seconds, but within 12 seconds they had 
re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for eight 
cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Coulthard's bird in 
the shower!** *


----------



## SketchUp Guru (18 Feb 2009)

What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Walter and his wife, Ann, listened as the instructor declared, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'

He then addressed the men, 'For instance, can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'

Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered,

'Homepride Self-Raising, isn't it?'

And thus began Walter's life of celibacy.


----------



## Steve Maskery (18 Feb 2009)

Dave, that doesn't translate!

"Homepride Self-Raising" and we'd all be falling about laughing! 


S


----------



## CNC Paul (18 Feb 2009)

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet & have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out & make love for the first time. 

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time & the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms & sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time & all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house & meets his girlfriend at the door.. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!' 

The boy goes inside & is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. 
The boy quickly offers to say grace & bows his head. A minute passes & the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass & still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over & whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'

The boy turns & whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'



Paul


----------



## CNC Paul (18 Feb 2009)

What's the difference between a dead armadillo and a dead lawyer on the side of the road?

The skid marks in front of the armadillo...
……………………………………………………………………………
What's the difference between a porcupine and a lawyer in a BMW?

The porcupine has the prick on the outside!
………………………………………………………………………………
What do you have when you have 30 lawyers buried neck deep in concrete?

A concrete shortage!

………………………………………………………………………………..
What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
The tick stops draining you and drops off after you're dead.
…………………………………………………………………………..
Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.


----------



## Davon (18 Feb 2009)

At a recent international medical conference on transplants, an Israeli doctor claimed, 'Transplant surgery in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks'.


A German doctor said, 'That's nothing! In Germany , we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks'.

A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks'.

The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah!. We can take two pineapples out of Scotland , put them in 10 & 11 Downing Street and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours'. :lol:


----------



## SketchUp Guru (18 Feb 2009)

Steve Maskery":9gwuofl3 said:


> Dave, that doesn't translate!
> 
> "Homepride Self-Raising" and we'd all be falling about laughing!
> 
> ...



Sorry about that. I'll change it.


----------



## big soft moose (18 Feb 2009)

CNC Paul":2c0d7m2g said:


> What's the difference between a dead armadillo and a dead lawyer on the side of the road?
> 
> The skid marks in front of the armadillo...
> ……………………………………………………………………………
> ...



whats the difference between a lawyer and a catfish ?

one is an unappealing , scum sucking, bottom dwelling, shark .... but a catfish is quite harmless really.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Its the day of creation and a snake and a rabbit are talking - "so what am i ?" asks the rabbit "what do i look like" - The snake describes the big floppy ears , the cute twitchy nose, and the fluffy tale "cool" says the rabbit " I'm a bunny wabbit"

"well" says the snake "what am I"

he rabbit says " well you're cold blooded, slimy, have no appreciable ears and a forked poisonous tongue "

"oh my god" says the snake " I'm a lawyer"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

God and the devil are having something of a dispute because the fence between heaven and hell has fallen down - the deeds clearly show that its the devils responsibility to fix it but he isnt having any of it.

" look" god splutters " we need that fence to keep your sinners and imps away from my sweet innocent angels , if you dont fix it you'll be hearing from my solicitor"

in response the devil just gives god the finger and sneers " yeah right beardy boy ... and just where do YOU think you are going to find a solicitor "

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

we probably ought to mention that this is totally sterotyped and we know that it doesnt fit every lawyer , some are very nice people - we know this because both of them are members of this forum


----------



## devonwoody (19 Feb 2009)

have you heard this one?

Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very nervous.

Her mother reassured her;

'Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you.

Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta.'

So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.'

'Don't worry, Maria,' says the mother, 'all good men have hairy chests.
Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.'

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. 'Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!'

'Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you.'

So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!' 

Her Mama said, 'Stay here and stir the pasta.'


----------



## Chippyjoe (19 Feb 2009)

Hi at the risk of getting a red card please enjoy the following joke and apologies if it has been posted before.

A mother was working in the kitchen,listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying "All of you b*****ds who want off,get the f**k off the train now,cause we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on,get the f**k on,cause we're going down the tracks".

The horrified mother went in and told her son,"We dont use that kind of language in this house.Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out,you may play with your train,but I want you to use nice language".

Two hours later,the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say"All the passengers who are disembarking the train,please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.

She hears the little boy continue,

"For those of you boarding,we ask you to stow all your hand luggage under your seat.Remember,there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".

As the mother began to smile,the child added.................

"For those of you who are pineappled off about the TWO HOUR delay,please see the fat puppy in the kitchen"

I will get my coat


----------



## big soft moose (19 Feb 2009)

and one last lawyer joke

whats the difference between a lawyer and a rooster

a rooster clucks defiance

and i'll leave you to work out what a lawyer does to the clients yourselves


----------



## thejhw (20 Feb 2009)

big soft moose":3g04gtph said:


> and one last lawyer joke



You know why nobody tells lawyer jokes anymore, don't you?

Because the lawyers don't find them funny and the rest of us don't know that they're jokes.

Jim


----------



## Ironballs (20 Feb 2009)

Nice one Joe, made me chuckle


----------



## loftyhermes (23 Feb 2009)

Irish Boy's Confession

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl".
The priest asks, "Is that you, Dicky?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Dicky, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Mary Walsh?"
"I cannot say." 
"Was it Teresa Brown?" 
"I'll never tell" 
"Was it Margaret Doyle?" 
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her." 
"Was it Anne O' Neil?" 
"My lips are sealed." 
"Was it Catherine 0' Tool, then?" 
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you." 
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped Dicky, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself." 
Dicky walks back to his pew, and his friend Tommy slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" 
"4 Months holiday and five good leads"


----------



## devonwoody (23 Feb 2009)

Lofty, the punch line used to be the vicars daughter so that was a good variation.


----------



## Grinding One (23 Feb 2009)

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven,God was missing for 6 days.Eventually,Michael the Archangel found him,resting on the 7th day.He inquired of God."Where have you been?"God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,"Look,Michael.Look what I have created."The Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said,"What is it?"
"It`s a planet,"replied God,"and I`ve put life on it.I`m going to call it Earth and it`s going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?"Inquired Michael,still confused.God explained,pointing to different parts of Earth."For example,Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth but cold and harsh,while Southern Europe is going to be poor but sunny and pleasant."I have made some lands abundant in water and other lands parched deserts.This one will be extreamly hot and while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."The Archangel,impressed by Gods work then pointed to a land mass and said,"What`s that one??" "Ah" said God ."That is Illinois the most glorious place on Earth.There will be beautiful Prairies,Grasslands,Farms,Streams,abundant wild game and Birds,rolling hills and woodlands.The people from Illinois are going to be handsome,modest,intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world.They will be extremely sociable,hardworking and high achieving,and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed,"What about balance,God?You said there would be balance!!"
God replied wisely,"Wait until you see the Idiots I put in Springfield."


----------



## toysandboats (28 Feb 2009)

A man goes to his doctor with a hearing problem.
The doctor says, "Can you describe the symptoms please?"
The man replies, "Well, Homer's a fat bald bloke and Marge has blue hair".

It took me a couple of readings to get it, it's quite clever!! 

   

David Ward


----------



## Jake (28 Feb 2009)

thejhw":24abosrp said:


> big soft moose":24abosrp said:
> 
> 
> > and one last lawyer joke
> ...



I agree, or was that a joke?


----------



## The Shark (1 Mar 2009)

A delivery man breaks down on the M4, so he flags down Paddy.
He says, "I've got six monkeys in the back. I'll give you £100 if you'll take them to Bristol Zoo for me".
Paddy agrees.
Two hours later, he sees Paddy driving the other way, with the monkeys still in the back. He flags him down and shouts across, "I thought I told you to take them to the zoo?"
Paddy replies, "I did, but I had £30 left, so now I am taking them to the pictures".


----------



## SemiSkilled (1 Mar 2009)

A man rushes into a bank wearing a balaclava and waving a pistol,

"EVERYONE ON THE FLOOR, NOW!!" he shouts as he fires two shots into the ceiling.

In a panic everyone in the banks drops to the floor.

The thief empties the cash drawers into a bag and is making for the door when a customer jumps up, grabs the man and pulls off his mask, 
the two men stare at each other for half a second as the customer realises his mistake, the thief coolly raises the gun and shoots the man dead.

"DID ANYONE ELSE SEE MY FACE!" the gunman screams at the cowering customers. As he looks at the people on the floor a man nervously looks away but he's too late, the gunman fires at point blank range, the man slumps down dead.

"NOW, DID ANY ONE ELSE SEE MY FACE!!" the gunman shouts.

Silence..........then a little voice at the back calls 






"I think my missus might have caught a glimpse "


----------



## Argee (3 Mar 2009)

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone. An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers. Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town._ "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?"

"Tis odd, isn't it?" _the man replies. _"You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."_

The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink. Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening. He orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

The next day, the bartender says to the man, _"Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know - the two beers and all."_

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, _"You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I've decided to give up drinking for Lent."_ 

Ray


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## loftyhermes (5 Mar 2009)

While in China , a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom. A week after arriving back home, he wakes one morning to find his p***s covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. When the man returns the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it. I'm sorry, but there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate it.'

The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.' The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your
choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice.' The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his p***s and proclaims, 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease.'
The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can you do for me? My own doctor wants to operate and amputate it!'

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid docta, always want to opelate. Make more money dat way. No need to opelate!'

Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.

'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks. Fawl off by itself!'


----------



## loftyhermes (9 Mar 2009)

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'

Paddy replied, 'no, it ain't Mick. It's not rigged at all at all. My wife won twice last week ."


----------



## loftyhermes (14 Mar 2009)

I’m so fat and to make matters worse, I’ve just come out of a chippy eating an enormous pie and chips. A tramp sat on the pavement outside. He was very thin and said he’d not eaten anything for two days. My God I wish I had his f**king willpower.


----------



## Argee (14 Mar 2009)

John Tickle was very keen to marry his girlfiend, but Tess didn't want to take his name. 

Ray


----------



## loftyhermes (20 Mar 2009)

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'
The daughter replied: 'mum, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter playing with her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered the room and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked: 'What the heck are you doing?' 
The husband replied: 'Well let's face it, this is the nearest that I'm going to get to watching football with my son-in-law."


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## brianhabby (30 Mar 2009)

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would have a dirty ending - I'll pray for you! :lol: 

regards

Brian


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## Woodmagnet (31 Mar 2009)

=D> :lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## ZeeDEE (1 Apr 2009)

After a thorough medical examination the doctor handed a small container to his 85 year old patient with the instruction, "Bring back a sample of your sperm in this container tomorrow."

Next day, the man was back with the container, however, it was empty.

"I tried with my right hand, my left hand as well as both hands . . . but nothing." explained the man.

He continued "my wife tried with her right hand, her left hand as well as both hands . . . still no result. Our next-door neighbour even tried with her right hand, her left hand, both hands and even under her armpit ... nothing. So, between the three of us, we just couldn't get the top off."


----------



## brianhabby (10 Apr 2009)

The head nun at the convent says, "I found a pair of men's underwear under my desk!"

Twenty nuns gasp, but one nun goes "Heh, heh, heh..."

She says, "And I found a used condom on my desk!"

Twenty nuns gasp, but one nun goes "Heh, heh, heh..."

She says, "And there was a huge tear in the condom!"

One nun gasps, but twenty nuns go, "Heh, heh, heh."

regards

Brian


----------



## RogerM (31 May 2009)

One day, young Johnny returned home looking absolutely crestfallen. He said to his father "I only started my job at the fish and chip shop on Monday, and I've been sacked after only 3 days".

"What was the problem?" said his father.

"Well" said Johnny, " I was doing really well, sold lots of fish and chips, but then I got my todger caught in the potato peeler".

"What?!" exclaimed his father. "There must be more to it than that! Sounds like a health and safety issue to me". And before Johnny could stop him, he was off to the fish and chip shop to confront the owner.

"My son tells me that you sacked him after only 3 days because he got his todger caught in the potato peeler. Is that right?"

"Certainly is" said the fish and chip shop owner. "First day was fine, but then he got his todger caught in the potato peeler on Tuesday, and even after I warned him, he got it caught again on Wednesday, so he had to go ."

"Sounds like a health and safety issue to me" said Johnny's father. "I'd like to have a look at this potato peeler".

"Sorry, you can't" said the owner. "I've sacked her as well!"


----------



## Woodmagnet (31 May 2009)

:lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## Pip (31 May 2009)

Man ordered a book about premature ejaculation












it came too soon!

I'll shut the door,
pip


----------



## RogerM (24 Aug 2009)

A man gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts,
"Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!"

The wife says, "Great! What should I pack for? The ocean or the mountains?"

He says, "I don't care! Just be out by the end of the week!"


----------



## Mailman14 (25 Aug 2009)

A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and NHS paperwork and was burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a garage mechanic. 

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. 

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying: "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade." 

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." 

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust pipe, which I've never seen done in my entire career.


----------



## Mailman14 (25 Aug 2009)

(sorry about the American spelling...)

The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher.


I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back. 

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome. 

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. 

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.' 

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.' 

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement. 

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, oh, oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' 
(Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.) 

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.) 


'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' 
(This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!) 

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'Push, push,' and 'Breathe, breathe.' They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there.' 

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest.. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.


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## Mailman14 (25 Aug 2009)

WOMAN'S DIARY - 27 June 2009 Saturday

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I'd been
shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him,
thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud, so I
suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued
and distracted so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat. All
through dinner he just didn't seem himself - he hardly laughed and
didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying, I
just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in, He
hesitated but followed. I asked him what was wrong, but he just half
shook his head and turned the television on. After about ten minutes of
silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed, I put my arms around
him and told him that I loved him deeply, he just gave a sigh and a sad
sort of smile. He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and,
to my surprise, we made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit
cold.

I cried myself to sleep - I think he's planning to leave me - maybe he's
found someone else.


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -



MAN'S DIARY - Saturday 27 June


We lost the rugby. Gutted. Got laid though.


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## Mailman14 (25 Aug 2009)

Why didn't I think of this?

Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England, there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 coaches, or buses.

It was manned by a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars £1 (about $1.40) and coaches £5 (about $8).

This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25 years. Then, one day, he just didn't turn up for work.

"Oh well", said Bristol Zoo Management - "we'd better phone up the City
Council and get them to send a new parking attendant..."

"Er ... no", said the Council, "that parking lot is your responsibility."

"Er ... no", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed by
the City Council, wasn't he?"

"Err ... NO!" insisted the Council.

Sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain, is a bloke who had
been taking the parking lot fees, estimated at approximately £400 (about
$640) per day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years. 

Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over £3.6 million ($5.8 million)!

And no one even knows his name.


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## Mailman14 (25 Aug 2009)

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large
raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man
prayed : 'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'

Poof! ..... God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to
swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed : 'God, please give me
strength and the tools to cross the river.'

Poof! ..... God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and
he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: 'God,
please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross
the river.'

Poof! ..... He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one
hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.


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## RogerM (30 Sep 2009)

It's schoolboy howler time again!



1. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef. 

2. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up. 

3. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. 

4. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup. 

5. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze. 

6. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. 

7. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. 

8. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River . 

9 Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut. 

10. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work. 

11. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. 

12. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. 

13. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools. 

14. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up


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## RogerM (2 Dec 2009)

These were actually sold in supermarkets in Ireland until they twigged!


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## plymouth pirate (2 Dec 2009)

Three friends were discussing the totally blitzed state they'd gotten into the night previously.

"I was so pineappled" the first said "that when I got home I blew Chunks".

"That's nothing", the second said "I was so pineappled that when I got home I entered the wrong house and tried to get into bed with my neighbours".

The third said, "Even worse, when I got home I tried to cook a bacon butty and set the house on fire, total loss".

"No, No", said the first guy. "You don't understand, ......Chunks is my wifes pet poodle".


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