# Couple of jokes



## andersonec (15 Jan 2013)

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "It's really spoiled my need for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm bloody starving."


Zoo keeper says to Murphy, "The gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with it.
Would you consider shagging it for 500 pounds?". 
Murphy replied, "I will on 3 conditions:
1st I'm not going to kiss it.
2nd My family must never know.
3rd I will need a couple of weeks to get the cash together".


FIVE HORSES IS HER NAME ... This is too beautiful not to share! This is mythical and deep. 
Truly beautiful ... 

A man asked a Canadian Indian what was his wife's name. 
He replied, "She is called Five Horses".
The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife, what does it mean?"
The Old Indian answered, 
"It's old Indian name. It means ...NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"


An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m and was asked where he was going at that time of night. 
The man replied, 
"I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." 
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" 
The man replied, "That would be my wife."


Andy


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## DIY Stew (15 Jan 2013)

=D> =D> =D> 

Stew


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## gregmcateer (15 Jan 2013)

Very good. cheered me up, sitting in here not able to make it into the cold garage!


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## henton49er (15 Jan 2013)

=D> =D>


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## wellywood (15 Dec 2013)

The funeral took place today of Jacob Cohen who died last week in a St. Louis nursing home aged 104. Mr Cohen achieved fame as a songwriter and perhaps his best known work was 'The Hokey Cokey'.
His funeral was attended by close family and showbusiness friends but, sadly, the ceremony ended in disaster. When the time came to place him in the casket, they got his left leg in and that's when the trouble started...


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## RossJarvis (15 Dec 2013)

wellywood":bdc0lxcj said:


> The funeral took place today of Jacob Cohen who died last week in a St. Louis nursing home aged 104. Mr Cohen achieved fame as a songwriter and perhaps his best known work was 'The Hokey Cokey'.
> His funeral was attended by close family and showbusiness friends but, sadly, the ceremony ended in disaster. When the time came to place him in the casket, they got his left leg in and that's when the trouble started...



:lol: :lol: :lol: (hammer) (hammer) (hammer) :lol: :lol: :lol: 

Funniest joke I've heard in a while, some of the others are crackers too. If you like you're hokey cokey and also like Kraut Rock, see this;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dwaxWoJPUC0


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## ChrisR (15 Dec 2013)

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: =D> 

Thanks Andy.

Take care.

Chris R.


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## Cordy (20 Dec 2016)

Queen say's to Philip "I don't know which hat to wear tomorrow the beaver or the fox"

Philip asks "Where are you going?"

"Wigan" replies the Queen

"Wear the fox hat" says Phil


'M6 Junction 25' replies the Queen


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## Cheshirechappie (20 Dec 2016)

I was walking up to the shop t'other week, and saw my mate in the middle of his paddock. He was still there, in the same place, when I returned.

"What you doing?" I asked. "You've been in the same place a good quarter hour!"

"I'm getting an OBE" he replied.

"Eh?"

"Well, I was reading in the Chronicle last week about that feller in the big house up by the crossroads. Apparently they've given him an OBE for being out-standing in his field."


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## Bm101 (20 Dec 2016)

Im ashamed to say I had to read that one twice.


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## Bm101 (20 Dec 2016)

(You'll have to do the accents for this one in your head)


So Pierre the French fella meets a lady at the nightclub. They get on famously. Few drinks, a dance or two later they end up back at Pierre's place.
Pierre puts on the music, lights the candles. The lady is taken in by Pierres amorous advances and his thick French accent.
As things get heated Old Pierre moves in for the kiss. Breathless ,the lass is poised.
'Wait, wait' says Pierre. He dips his finger in her white wine and gently rubs it on her lips. 
'Oooh, Whats your game' She cries. 
'What. I am Pierre, ze french fighter plot. When I kiss the woman I kiss ze woman with white wine...'
Ah. Ok she thinks
Bit later, he has her top off on the sofa. As he moves seductively in he stops.
'Wait. Wait.'
He dips his finger in his red wine and gently rubs it on her nipples.
She bucks. What are you doing now?!?
'Patience my Darling, I am Pierre the French fighter pilot. When I kiss ze womans breast I kiss ze womans breast with red wine!.

She simpers, she's warming to this now.
As things progress and things get even more amorous Pierre has her trousers off. At the kinking of her hips and the body language old Pierre knows it's time. With her hand hands on the back of his head she starts to guide him when 'Wait! Wait!' 
By now she's getting the idea. 
'Oooohhh Pierrreee.....' she growls.

He grabs a bottle of brandy and pours it all over her. 
The lady is writhing by now in anticipation.
Pierre grabs a match and PHHHOOOOM! theres flames everywhere!

She screams at him! You mad bast*rd! What are you doing!?

He shrugs.

I am Pierre. Ze French Fighter Pilot. When I go down, I go down in flames.


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## graduate_owner (20 Dec 2016)

Man comes home from the pub in a foul mood and tells his wife the new milkman was in the pub bragging that he's slept with every wife in the street, except one, 
So what have you got to say about that?
Wife replies - I bet it's that stuck up puppy from No. 17

K


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## Robbo3 (21 Dec 2016)

Sometimes

Sometimes...when you cry, no one sees your tears.

Sometimes...when you are in pain, no one sees your hurt.

Sometimes...when you are worried, no one sees your stress.

Sometimes...when you are happy, no one sees your smile.

But fart just ONE TIME!

------
Poison

A man goes to see his priest.
"Father, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The priest asked, "What 's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The priest, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"
The priest then offers: "Tell you what. Let me talk to her; I'll see what I can find out, and I 'll let you know." A week later the priest calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said, "Yes".
The priest replied, "Take the poison."

---------------------
Girl With A Glass Eye

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. Reflexively, he reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies ....

You just happened to catch my eye.

---------
A prolific 89 year old shoplifter was sentenced to 18 months imprisonment.
On appeal it was reduced to life.

----
Bank

A customer moves away from a bank window, counts his change, and then goes back and says to the cashier, "Hey, you gave me the wrong change!"

"Sir, you stepped away from the counter," said the cashier. "We don't make corrections after you leave. There's nothing I can do about it now. That's the policy of this bank."

"Well, ok," answered the customer. "Just thought you'd like to know that you gave me an extra twenty. Bye."

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Gardening

A beautiful woman loved gardening, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked him, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No," she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

--------
Veterans

Fred mistakenly gets on a bus full of war veterans, but upon discovering it is going his way, decides to stay on for the ride.

He sits down next to a guy that jerks his head to the left every few seconds, over and over. This really starts to get on Fred's nerves so he asks him, "What the heck is wrong with you?"

The reply is, "l got this in the war."

Fred finds this pretty annoying so he switches seats.

The next guy he sits by has uncontrollable spastic twitches in his right leg, causing him to kick the seat in front of him, and even kicks Fred a few times.

So Fred asks him, "What the heck is wrong with you?"

Again the answer is, "l got this in the war."

Fred moves.

The next guy poor Fred sits by begins erratically flailing his left hand. Fred says, "Let me guess, you got that in the war."

His reply was, "No, l got it out of my nose. I can't get it off of my hand."

-------
Funeral

Judy got married and had 13 children. Her first husband Ted died of cancer.

She married again, and with Bob she had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident 12 years later.

Judy again remarried,.... and this time she and John had 5 more children. Judy finally died, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend Margaret: "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

Margaret replied:...."I think he means her legs, Ethel..."

----
Halloween costume

Desperate for a unique Halloween costume for an up-coming party, my friend, Jessica had an inspired idea.

She put on a slinky dress and fishnet stockings, and then balanced a small table-top on her head. Affixed to it was a lamp, a champagne glass and an ashtray with two cigarette butts.

She went as a 'one night stand'......and won first prize!

----
Work

A young man applied for a job at a new factory being built in a nearby town. He entered the main office, where the receptionist directed him down the hall to an office where he was to be interviewed by the Personnel Officer.

After several minutes of describing and explaining all about the new factory, the Personnel Officer told the young man,
"We need individuals who are totally responsible."

The young man grinned and responded:
"Well, I sure qualify. Everywhere I've worked, when something went wrong, I was always responsible!"

-------
Greeter

Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and
a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies. 

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am sorry and am working on it." 

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear.” 

“Yes sir, I understand your concern and I will try harder.“

Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, “I know you're retired from the Armed Forces.
What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning late so often?"

The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled. He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin, "They usually saluted and said, Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir? 

----------
Heavy Load

There was a man driving down the road behind an 18 wheeler, at every stoplight the trucker would get out of the cab, run back and bang on the trailer door. After seeing this at several intersections in a row the motorist followed him until he pulled into a parking lot.

When they both had come to a stop the truck driver once again jumped out and started banging on the trailer door. The motorist went up to him and said, "I don't mean to be nosey but why do you keep banging on that door?"

To which the trucker replied, "Sorry, can't talk now, I have 20 tons of canaries and a 10 ton limit, I have to keep half of them in the air all the time!"

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A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his homosexuality from his parents, goes over to their house and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. Sitting down at the kitchen table, he lets out a big sigh and says, "Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay."

His mother made no reply, and the guy was about to repeat it, when she turned to him and said calmly, "You're gay? Doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?" 

Nervously, the guy said, "Uh, yeah, Mom, well I guess so." 

His mother went back to stirring the pot. Suddenly, she whirled around and whacked him over the head with her spoon, saying, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!" 

-------------
The 4 'F's

The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": 1. Fighting; 2. Fleeing; 3. Feeding; and 4. Mating.

-- Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course

--------------


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## Cordy (21 Dec 2016)

My Korean friend died last week...

So Yung


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## RogerS (21 Dec 2016)

It was Postman Pat's last day of work and he went round delivering the mail in his last village. At the first house, they gave him an envelope with £25 in it. The next house ran a travel company and gave him two tickets on a cruise. And so it went on until the last house where the door opened to reveal a stunningly gorgeous young blonde wearing a negligee and clearly nothing else. Smiling sweetly at him, she took him by the hand and led him upstairs where they made passionate love. 

After he'd had a shower, he went down to see a cooked breakfast and underneath his tea-cup a £5. Pat profusely thanked the young lass for all her favours and asked her what made her decide to be so generous.

"Well", she replied. "I didn't know what to get you so I asked my husband. 'F*** him', he said, 'Give him a fiver". Coyly she added,"The breakfast was my idea".


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## Cheshirechappie (21 Dec 2016)

Paddy and Mick opened a bar in Dublin. After a fortnight, it was obvious they were struggling - very little custom.

Paddy turns to Mick, "Ah, we need to start a brothel, so we do."

Mick looks scornfully at Paddy. "To be sure, that's just daft, so it is. If we can't get 'em in with the drink, how will we do it with broth?"

(NB - I shamelessly nicked this one from Dave Allen - so an Irishman told it before I did!)


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## Cordy (22 Dec 2016)

Just received a letter


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## sawdust1 (22 Dec 2016)

A carpenter working on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw.
He spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but
he can't hear him.
So the carpenter on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He points to his eye meaning "I", points to his knee meaning "need", then 
moves his hand back and forth in a sawing motion.
The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out 
his manhood and starts ma----bating.
The carpenter on the 5th floor gets so peed off he runs down to the ground floor
and say's " what the f--k is your problem! I said i needed a saw."
The other guy says, "i know that! I was just trying to tell you - i'm coming!"


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## themackay (23 Dec 2016)

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

Tea is more dangerous than beer. Please avoid drinking tea.

I discovered this last night, I had 14 beers till 3am at the pub while my wife was just drinking tea at home.

You should have seen how violent and angry she was when I got home. I was peaceful, silent and headed to bed as she shouted at me, all night and even into the next morning.

Please ladies, if you can't handle your tea, don't drink it...


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## gregmcateer (23 Dec 2016)

Hee Hee for those above - a few good ones there.

Heard this today;

Q: What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?

A: (In strong wet midlands accent) You can't wash your hands in a buffalo!


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## Cordy (11 Jan 2017)

Jokes about white sugar are rare.

Jokes about brown sugar...

Demerara


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## Cordy (16 Jan 2017)

The downside of being a bomb disposal technician ?

It takes me six hours to open my Christmas presents.......


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## Nelsun (31 Dec 2017)

This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.

Sent from my m8 using Tapatalk


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## Cordy (1 Jan 2018)

I've just put all my dogging equipment up for sale on Ebay.

Haven't had any bids so far -- but 12 people are watching.


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## Cordy (2 Jan 2018)

I hate it when people ask me what I'm going to be doing in 2 years......

Come on folks; I don't have 2020 vision.


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## Phil Pascoe (2 Jan 2018)

When I go to an Indian, I always order a tarka masala ............ it's like a tikka masala, but a little otter.


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## walterburg (11 Jan 2018)

Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners.

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.


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## Cordy (11 Jan 2018)

There was a race between a brunette, a redhead and a blonde to swim across the English Channel; doing only the breaststroke.

After about 14 hours the brunette staggered up on shore and was declared the winner.

About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up to the finish line in second.

Nearly four hours after that, the blond finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.

When the reporter asked why it took her considerably longer to finish the race, she replied - 

"I don't like to sound like a sore loser -- but I think those two other girls were using their arms!"


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## Woodmonkey (11 Jan 2018)

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

(Sorry that's all I've got)


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## finneyb (12 Jan 2018)

I was standing at the bar at the local British Legion club one night minding my own business.

This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. 
You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches...but,
When you’re over seventy..............who cares?
**********
I went to the drug store and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”;
I said "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
When you’re over seventy..............who cares?
***********
I was talking to a young woman in the local British Legion club last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.”;
I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”;
Cost me a fat lip, but...
When you’re over seventy..............who cares?
**********
I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born
just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then... try"
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, 
what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the nuts, but...
When you’re over seventy...............who cares?
*********
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you’re over seventy...............who cares?
**********
I went to our local British Legion club last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me 6 more stitches, but...
When you’re over seventy.............who cares?
**********
A bloke was driving down a motorway in England with his blonde English girlfriend and
she piped up, "I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales".
"Why do you think that?" he said.
"Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says "stit ruoy su wohs".
**********


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## finneyb (12 Jan 2018)

I was standing at the bar at the local British Legion club one night minding my own business.

This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. 
You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches...but,
When you’re over seventy..............who cares?
**********
I went to the drug store and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”;
I said "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
When you’re over seventy..............who cares?
***********
I was talking to a young woman in the local British Legion club last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.”;
I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”;
Cost me a fat lip, but...
When you’re over seventy..............who cares?
**********
I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born
just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then... try"
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, 
what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the nuts, but...
When you’re over seventy...............who cares?
*********
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you’re over seventy...............who cares?
**********
I went to our local British Legion club last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me 6 more stitches, but...
When you’re over seventy.............who cares?
**********
A bloke was driving down a motorway in England with his blonde English girlfriend and
she piped up, "I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales".
"Why do you think that?" he said.
"Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says "stit ruoy su wohs".
**********


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## NazNomad (12 Jan 2018)

I went to the doctors with hearing problems.

He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"

I said "Homers a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair"


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## NazNomad (12 Jan 2018)

If your wife says to you, _"if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new"_, just be careful.

Apparently, _''anything",_ doesn't include getting stuck in traffic.


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## Nelsun (12 Jan 2018)

I’ve found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
It’s shift work.

And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life.
But John came fifth and won a toaster.

I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.


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## Jonzjob (12 Jan 2018)

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. 

On the way he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. 

However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home. 

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"



The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there, but I can't carry this lot." 

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" 

"Why, thank you very much, he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says, "Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." 

The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. 
How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?" 

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"



The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens...."


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## Jonzjob (12 Jan 2018)

OK, what's the difference between crabs and lobsters?

Answers please


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## Robbo3 (13 Jan 2018)

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.

A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like an apple.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here; I'll go on a head."

I wondered why the cricket ball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, “Dam!"

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron.” The other says, "Are you sure?” The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid.
He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club,
but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Velcro — what a rip off!

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.

---------------
Everyone's a comedian nowadays. 
Even the paramedic who was unable to resuscitate Whitney couldn't avoid a gag! 
When he radioed dispatch and said "It's Houston, we have a problem!" 

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My dad worked on the roadwork’s for twenty years before he got fired for stealing! 
At first I didn't believe it.... but when I got home all the signs were there.


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## NazNomad (13 Jan 2018)

My wife accused me of having an affair with a girl from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.

How could she say that?


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## NazNomad (13 Jan 2018)

They all laughed when I told them I wanted to be a comedian when I grew up.


Well they're not laughing now.


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## GrahamF (13 Jan 2018)

Some time in the future Trump dies and goes to hell. When he dies he's still suffering from the same problem of not looking ahead at the effect his comments/actions have.

Obviously, on arrival, he's interviewed by the devil who advises him he has to do 10 years good work to qualify for a transfer to heaven and, he has the choice of replacing one of the 3 upcoming vacancies in the presidential cells. The choice will be his.

First door opens and Nixon is there, swimming in a pool full of ice, chipping it into cubes for the devil's bar. "Can't do that says Trump, can't swim".

Next door, there's Bush breaking rocks for hardcore in new roads "Sorry says Trump - bad shoulder"

O.K then, last option. Door opens and there's Clinton, prone on a bed with Monica kneeling down - doing what Monica does best. "Good grief, does he get that 24 hours a day?" "Yes replies the devil, must get very boring after a while" "OK says Trump. I want this cell" "You absolutely sure?" "Yes, definitely" "O.K. says the devil - Off to heaven Monica"


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## graduate_owner (13 Jan 2018)

This is a bit rude, and a bit long, sorry in advance.

Paddy was in London to watch the rugby between England and Ireland. After the match, with some time to spare he decided to go shopping. 
First he went in to a well known chain store and bought some sexy underwear for his wife. 
Then he saw a shop advertising wellies at a really low price so he went in to buy a pair.
While trying them on, he noticed one had L on and the other had R. 

Paddy - hey, are you sure these are a pair, because one says L and the other says R
Shopkeeper - Yes sir, they are a pair, the L stands for Left and the R for right
Paddy looks bemused, then after a whort hesitation he says ' ah, I see'
Shopkeeper ( condescendingly) - yes sir, it's so you know which foot to ...
Paddy interrupting him - no I'm not talking about the wellies, I've just realised why my wife's underwear has C and A on.

I told you it was rude.

K


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## Cordy (13 Jan 2018)

I held the door open for a gorgeous blonde in the pub last night.

The wife said "You've never held the door open for me"

I replied "What about the time you threatened to leave"


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## NazNomad (16 Jan 2018)

A Nigerian prince has died and left $200 Million to his cat.

Apparently he tried to give away his fortune for years but nobody responded to any of his emails.


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## Robbo3 (17 Jan 2018)

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea (sic)...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked,then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks,
so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?


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## Robbo3 (17 Jan 2018)

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
--
The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops.... although, they do make me look a bit gay.
--
Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.."
--
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a Vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
--
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador." "Really, ..." says Mick "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
--
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid...then I was petrified.
--
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
--
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.
--
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot .....
--
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70! "Blow this," I thought, "I can get one cheaper off the web."
--
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
--
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
--
I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, "That guy's heading for a breakdown."


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## NazNomad (18 Jan 2018)

My friend's allergic to rice.

He's basmatic.


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## AES (18 Jan 2018)

Well after a number of good (and a few not so good!) short puns, I'm now going to have to bore you all with a very L O N G shaggy dog story. (Those with a short attention span can log off now).

A very young and totally sexually inexperienced vicar decided to marry the beautiful young blue-eyed blonde he'd been admiring from a distance since childhood.

After a long and tortuous courtship the young couple duly decided to marry, and at the vicar's own church too. Being so new in the calling it was decided that the Bishop of the local diocese would perform the ceremony to ensure that the couple got off to a good start with the local congregation.

Despite lots of blushes and mumbled vows by the couple, the ceremony eventually went off just fine, amidst a generally beaming congregation of both locals and family well-wishers.

It was only during the wedding breakfast that the young vicar learnt that the very quiet and discreet country hotel tucked snugly away in a beautiful forest that he'd booked for the honeymoon was actually only a few minutes walk from the Bishop's private residence. Despite his misgivings it was too late to make any changes to the honeymoon plans, so the couple, somewhat apprehensively, decided to go ahead anyway.

Having been warmly welcomed by the very well-schooled hotel staff, and finally alone at last, the couple retired to the sumptuous bridal suite. In spite of initial shyness things went swimmingly and they enjoyed a truly wonderful night - FAR beyond anything they'd ever imagined in their wildest dreams.

Waking up next morning to bright sunshine streaming through their windows, and with the birds singing their heads off, the couple decided that to put an even sharper edge on their appetite for breakfast, they should go for a short stroll though the local village - despite all their exertions of the previous night.

But to their great consternation, who should the now radiant young couple meet after only 5 minutes stroll but the Bishop coming along the other way. With no possibility to avoid him, the vicar decided to brazen things out despite his own and his bride's extreme embarassment.

Raising his hat politely the young vicar wished his Bishop a very good morning.

"And a very good morning to you both" replied the Bishop. "Beautiful little spot eh?"

"Yes" said the vicar. "And cunningly concealed too!"

AES


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## Robbo3 (19 Jan 2018)

The Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh

His dizzy aunt ................................ Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes .................... Gotta Gogh 
The brother who worked at a convenience store . Stop N Gogh 
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ............... U Gogh 
His magician uncle ............................ Where-diddy Gogh 
His Mexican cousin ............................ A Mee Gogh 
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother .... Gring Gogh 
The nephew who drove a stage coach ............ Wells-far Gogh 
The constipated uncle ......................... Can't Gogh 
The ballroom dancing aunt ..................... Tang Gogh 
The bird lover uncle .......................... Flamin Gogh 
The fruit-loving cousin ....................... Man Gogh 
An aunt who taught positive thinking .......... Way-to-Gogh 
The little bouncy nephew ...................... Po Gogh 
A sister who loved disco ...................... Go Gogh 
The niece who travels the country in an RV .... Winnie Bay Gogh

The uncle who dominates every party ........... Big E Gogh
The cousin who studies maths .................. Al Gogh Rythm
The future administrator ...................... Mun Gogh 
The musical nephew ............................ Bon Gogh
The sister who never married .................. Vir Gogh

I saw you smiling . . . there ya Gogh!


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## NazNomad (19 Jan 2018)

I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment about their moustache, and suddenly... she’s not your friend any more.


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