# Things you say that got you into the dog house.



## Amateur (12 Mar 2021)

I'm up to my neck in it.
During a romantic evening I held my wife, kissed her deeply on the lips and looked into her eyes.
" You're the most beautiful woman on our street" I told her.
She pushed me away.
" You used to tell me I was the most beautiful woman in the universe" 
As she stood with hands on her hips...You know the stance.
" But that was 31 years ago" I mumbled.
I nearly added, Times Change......but kept my gob shut.
I'm now on jankers, 
Not speaking
And getting the, "Evil Stare"


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## AFFF (12 Mar 2021)

I once bought the missus an ironing board cover and a crosscut handsaw for Christmas (we needed them) At least I got some peace and quiet on Christmas Day


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## Jameshow (12 Mar 2021)

I brought my misses a decorating step up, also a pressure washer patio cleaning attachment....

Quite a quiet Christmas that year!! 

Cheers


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## Phil Pascoe (12 Mar 2021)

I bought my wife flowers. Once. She took them and said Christ! What have you done?


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## joethedrummer (12 Mar 2021)

" if you recall , I do most of the driving " always seems to ensure a quiet journey !


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## Lons (12 Mar 2021)

Phil Pascoe said:


> I bought my wife flowers. Once. She took them and said Christ! What have you done?


You are definitely not alone there.


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## dzj (12 Mar 2021)

As a young man, I thought my suggestions regarding parking and overtaking were constructive and helpful.
Over the years, I have learnt to keep my opinions to myself.


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## Distinterior (12 Mar 2021)

One Christmas, I bought my wife a Tumble Dryer and another year I bought her a petrol powered Leaf Blower......I remember both those Christmas's were quite frosty but it had nothing to do with the weather...!!


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## Cabinetman (12 Mar 2021)

Men and women differ in all sorts of ways, it’s always important to remember the difference between want and need which for men often are the same thing, your wife might need some car mats but she wants that handbag, huge difference in response, now if you were to put some new car mats in her car without telling her she would probably be tickled, but wrapped up under the tree? Ian
Speaking from personal experience, it was very frosty that year.


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## Fidget (12 Mar 2021)

"Yes Dear"


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## Just4Fun (12 Mar 2021)

"I do."


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## Jameshow (12 Mar 2021)

How high....!


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## hunter27 (12 Mar 2021)

An often retold story of when a friend of ours bought his newly wed wife a porta-potty for Christmas for use on their small boat instead of a bucket. They are both in their 80s now but he still has a boat, it's a 30' racing trimaran  seriously.


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## Jelly (12 Mar 2021)

AFFF said:


> I once bought the missus an ironing board cover...



I remember my dad thinking he was dead funny by buying my mum a print she'd seen in a gallery somewhere and really liked, framing it and hanging it in the place that she thought it would go well after she went to bed, then giving her a new ironing board as her "official" birthday gift.

She saw the ironing board stormed through to the kitchen where he was making breakfast and got about two (very loud) words into giving him the blast before clocking the print, bursting into tears and hugging him.

They now frequently exchange housework related gifts as an in joke.


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## Bill Derr (12 Mar 2021)

My wife was trying on some swimwear and asked me for my opinion;

I said ''you look like 5lb of meat in a 4lb bag'' but she's a good 'un and just fell about laughing.


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## novocaine (12 Mar 2021)

bought my wife a fitness tracker and a set of scales for valentines day. 
turns out, I have a good wife, she wanted both. 

got bollocked for buying flowers from a florist last year when she'd been to hospital. "what you wasting money for, go to aldi"

I'm a lucky man me.


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## Doug B (12 Mar 2021)

I find I don’t have to say anything I think just my breathing sets her off


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## Linus (12 Mar 2021)

Lons said:


> You are definitely not alone there.


Most definitely not alone!


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## Inspector (12 Mar 2021)

While in the throws of passion, uttering the name of the last girlfriend into the ear of the present girlfriend.  

Pete


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## Distinterior (12 Mar 2021)

Inspector said:


> While in the throws of passion, uttering the name of the last girlfriend into the ear of the present girlfriend.
> 
> Pete



 .....And you lived to tell the tale...?? You're very fortunate Pete.


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## Inspector (12 Mar 2021)

That's why to this day I never use their name. Just endearments like babe, honey, love etc, but I have no problem being called God. Funny how that works.

Pete


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## D_W (12 Mar 2021)

"the best 10% from 10 of your friends' husband made into an artificial person is not real....nor is it realistic"

"well, _____ is a better husband than me if he's that thoughtful. I'm more than willing to accept that".

"if you want to compare our income and living to a doctor, you should've married a doctor, but you'd have to marry a doctor uglier than me or that wouldn't make any sense." (implies that the wife isn't pretty enough or has the attributes to just get the same guy but only with some better attributes) 

"please write down what you want to do, because I can't pick it out from the lectures and don't hear any of those". (kids say that, too).


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## mikej460 (12 Mar 2021)

Amateur said:


> I'm up to my neck in it.
> During a romantic evening I held my wife, kissed her deeply on the lips and looked into her eyes.
> " You're the most beautiful woman on our street" I told her.
> She pushed me away.
> ...


Just remember in 10 years time not to say 'you're the prettiest woman in our house'...


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## Stanleymonkey (12 Mar 2021)

Not to a wife or partner - but to my supervisor on the checkouts carrying a feather duster:

Didn't know they made witches broomsticks that small!


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## clogs (12 Mar 2021)

when her 2 daughters left home for ever ....
i said phew glad their gone......ooops......hahaha....
even she's happier now.....


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## Amateur (12 Mar 2021)

My 84 year old, now deceased, father-in-law was given water tablets by his doctor to help with water retention.
His wife was driving them into Morrison's car park when he was taken short.
He exited the car, put on his cap, grabbed his walking stick and hobbled off as quick as he could into the supermarket gents.
All the urinals were occupied except the end one which was a lot lower than the rest.
He managed without any accidents but half way through he turned to a big bruiser next to him and said, This urinal is a lot lower, it must be for children? "
"Nahhhh" said the chap, "It's for old gits like you with long dicks!"
He told that story till the day he died and laughed till he cried every time after telling the tale


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## Stan (12 Mar 2021)

To a senior officer, just after I have exited trap 2 while the water is still flushing, and he is at the sinks washing his hands:

Him: Ah Stan, that's the best part of you gone then.

Me: No sir, I was just giving birth to a supervisor.

** 

I believe that if you can't take it, don't give it. Doesn't help when the sh**** jobs are being handed out though....


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## moosepig (12 Mar 2021)

All I said was, "this halibut's good enough for Jehovah."


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## Puggers (13 Mar 2021)

My wife has a good sense of humour but a couple of things I’ve said that stand out as not going to plan are -

“Rather than incessantly criticising me, why don’t you write it all down daily and then I can read it all whilst I’m on the bog Saturday”.

Or having been told I was boring I said “l’m not normally boring, I must just be reacting to the people around me”.

To be fair, both were probably how I said them rather than what I’d said.

One that did go down well and which she uses herself now is that I said her backside looked like a badly packed parachute when she tried on an ill-fitting dress .


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## Robbo60 (13 Mar 2021)

Haven't spoken to my wife for a month -don't want to interrupt her.
I once, affectionately, called her "my little dumpling" (don't know why) not impressed and never let me forget it


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## Doug B (13 Mar 2021)

I remember fondly Terry Wogan saying the one food that’s caused more heartburn, indigestion, upset & ill feelings was wedding cake.


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## Chippysu (13 Mar 2021)

novocaine said:


> bought my wife a fitness tracker and a set of scales for valentines day.
> turns out, I have a good wife, she wanted both.
> 
> got bollocked for buying flowers from a florist last year when she'd been to hospital. "what you wasting money for, go to aldi"
> ...


Yes I'm the same, with young children money was spread thinly, my hubby spent out on a big bouquet for an occasion, (& tbh it's rare that florists put anything decent in,) I felt he'd spent too much. I've said over & over since that a £2 supermarket bunch bought now and again for no reason other than he just wants to or it's been a stressful week means more to me than an over priced once a year 'well it's what's done.' When I was expecting our first, I requested a steamer so we could cook healthier. My poor hubby got a roasting from a woman in the lift as she'd asked him who it was for, (cheeky mare!) He was very relieved when I was very happy on Xmas day!


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## RobinBHM (13 Mar 2021)

I sometimes wished I had never said: "I'd like to move into the dog house".


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## Player33 (13 Mar 2021)

Inspector said:


> While in the throws of passion, uttering the name of the last girlfriend into the ear of the present girlfriend.
> 
> Pete



otherwise known as the Rodeo Position. Say the words and see how long you can hold on for....


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## Sandyn (13 Mar 2021)

My wife is Irish. She is very tolerant with a good sense of humour. She needs it living with me! We were driving to the shops one day. She was sorting things in her shopping bag. She suddenly pulls out a rather large potato. I asked "What do you keep that in your bag for? in case there's another famine?" 
So anything to do with potatoes has become a bit of a family joke. Not long after my grandson was born, my daughter sent a picture of a potato with a smiley face drawing on it saying it was the grandson's passport photo. She takes it in good humour most of the time


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## Ttrees (13 Mar 2021)

Just remarking to the missus, on how well the gappy cascamite joint is holding up on the hand axe.
(salvaged from a bar top a few years ago)
Uuaghh, she says... 
You mean to tell me that I have been using that skuzzy old chewing gum bartop for a handle, ha ha


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## sploo (14 Mar 2021)

Too many to list with my "boss", so instead I'll relate my most cherished childhood memory;...

Standard British Summer Holiday (read: sitting inside a parked car eating sandwiches as the rain lashed down around us), little Sploo is reading a magazine that had an article about the film "Who Framed Roger Rabbit", which described the Jessica Rabbit character as "voluptuous".

"Dad", says, I, "what's voluptuous?"

My old man (never one for deep thoughts or speeches), turned to face me. Paused, and said, "Well son. It's like your mum, but sexier".

She kicked his ass. To this day I've never seen a worse beating handed down inside the confines of a 1980's hatchback.


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## HappyHacker (14 Mar 2021)

This is when I managed to avoid the doghouse or worse.
On a Caribbean cruise I went, without wife, on a snorkelling trip. Very warm so we were all in bathers for most of the trip which involved a couple of hours on a small boat plus the snorkling. The courier from the cruise ship was a very nice young lady, wearing a bikini, who worked in the onboard spa. I spent a short time talking to her during the trip. Back on board the ship with my wife she started talking to a rep in uniform from the spa who I had just walked past. I returned and she said hello to me. I realised she was the courier from the trip and I said "Sorry, I did not recognise you with" at that point I was just about to say "your clothes on" but unusually for me self preservation forced some quick thinking and I managed to finish with "your uniform on" and breathed easily as I had just got away with it.


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## Cabinetman (14 Mar 2021)

Haha you only think you got away with it, and your wife is letting you think that, it probably makes her smile when she thinks you think you got away with it, she knew precisely what you were about to say, guaranteed, I swear that they are psychic. Ian


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## MikeJhn (14 Mar 2021)

Not psychic, more like psychotic.


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## Chippysu (14 Mar 2021)

Cabinetman said:


> Haha you only think you got away with it, and your wife is letting you think that, it probably makes her smile when she thinks you think you got away with it, she knew precisely what you were about to say, guaranteed, I swear that they are psychic. Ian


I knew you were going to say that!


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## jcassidy (14 Mar 2021)

*On our first Valentines day I bought my future wife a huge big bunch of lovely chrysanthemum.

How was I supposed to know in Sicily, chrysanthemum are the flowers you buy dead people!

She still tells that one to all and sundry at every opportunity.*


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## Phil Pascoe (14 Mar 2021)

Player33 said:


> otherwise known as the Rodeo Position. Say the words and see how long you can hold on for....


It's usually "this the way your sister likes it as well".


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## Cabinetman (14 Mar 2021)

Chippysu said:


> I knew you were going to say that!


Brilliant! Made me laugh out loud thanks.


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## OldWood (14 Mar 2021)

Well done guys - that was all a good laugh. 

My wife died 4 years ago and I can't really remember any specific examples but it was the ones where you say something totally innocuous........ and the world comes tumbling down! And it is "what the 'f' have I said now?". I would like to think it happened the other way on occasions, but it's all one way traffic from my memory. 
Rob


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## Jonzjob (15 Mar 2021)

We were talking, SWMBO and I, about choosing something or other in some posh shop and she wanted one thing and I disagreed and said to her that it should be my choice because she should realise that I have a much better sense of taste than she does. The shop assistant was ready to duck when the reply was "what the hell gives you that impression!" I held up my hand to stop her and I just said that it was totally obvious and I could prove it any day at any time. She said OK then do so!

I just told her that it was obvious and the proof was ------- I chose her, look who she chose 

That's one argument won


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## Terrytpot (15 Mar 2021)

My Mrs ,luckily, has a decent sense of humour too or my standard reply at supermarket checkouts to the question "Do you need a bag?" would get me in deep trouble as I always say "No thanks, I brought mine with me"


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## marcros (15 Mar 2021)

I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it – stuck right in the middle of the cow’s backside.

I lifted the cow’s tail and yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!’ and I don’t remember much after that.


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## Lons (15 Mar 2021)

That one and others very similar have done the rounds a few times Marcros


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## Trainee neophyte (15 Mar 2021)

My lovely wife came home from the hairdresser, and all I said was, "You look nice."

She then proceeded to throw the contents of the house at me. Apparently it wasn't what she had asked for. Having learned my lesson, I now say something along the lines of "I like it if you like it", or even "Tell me what to say!"

It's only fair, because I reserve the right to throw things when I'm plumbing. Sometimes it helps.


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## Jameshow (15 Mar 2021)

marcros said:


> I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.
> 
> I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it – stuck right in the middle of the cow’s backside.
> 
> I lifted the cow’s tail and yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!’ and I don’t remember much after that.



I was playing golf one day and a hearse and limos went by... O doffed my hat and had a moment's silence before the next hole.... 

My golfing partner moved by my thoughtfulness asked if I knew the chap who had died..... 

I responded it wasn't a chap but we had been married for 32 years.... 

Cheers James


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## paulrbarnard (15 Mar 2021)

Jonzjob said:


> We were talking, SWMBO and I, about choosing something or other in some posh shop and she wanted one thing and I disagreed and said to her that it should be my choice because she should realise that I have a much better sense of taste than she does. The shop assistant was ready to duck when the reply was "what the hell gives you that impression!" I held up my hand to stop her and I just said that it was totally obvious and I could prove it any day at any time. She said OK then do so!
> 
> I just told her that it was obvious and the proof was ------- I chose her, look who she chose
> 
> That's one argument won


Oh I am so going to use that. Just need to wait for the most advantageous moment. It will certainly need at least two witnesses.


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## Jonzjob (22 Mar 2021)

Just leav it hanging in the air for a couple of moments. That gives whoever you are talking to time to get ready to duck


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## Stan (22 Mar 2021)

I was told by my mum that when I was about 3 or 4 she went into a cafe one hot summer's day with me in tow, to have a cup of tea. While she was drinking it I was playing with my toy car on the floor. I suddenly stood up and said loudly, "hey mum, that woman's got hairy legs just like my daddy!", referring to a lady at the next table. We couldn't leave fast enough.


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## Boringgeoff (23 Mar 2021)

In the 50's my parents renovated the kitchen in our farm house, When they uncrated the new wood burning stove they found that the fire box was on the opposite side to what had been ordered. Rather than muck around waiting for a correct replacement they decide a slight amount of adjustment and they'd make it fit. At the same time the neighbours further along the road were also doing a kitchen reno' and found their stove was also back to front. They contacted the agent who explained that the two stoves had probably got sent to the wrong addresses and that we probably had their stove and we should just swap. When the neighbours attempted to do a swap they got narkey that my parents had already installed the stove and weren't prepared to uninstall it.
Move forward a few years to the early 60's Mum and Dad are on holidays and just my uncle and I at home on the farm and the neighbours invited us over for tea, I'm about 12 and we walk into the kitchen and I say "hey your stove's just like ours , except the fire box is on the opposite side". An icy silence ensued and later uncle told me I was quite tactless.
Cheers,
Geoff.


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## gwaithcoed (29 Mar 2021)

My wife and I have been married for 63 years. We were sitting talking the other day day and she said we've not made a bad team. I just said yes but every team had to have a foreman and I just wished I'd have had a chance to be foreman just once. The silence ends in 10 days


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## Jonzjob (29 Mar 2021)

That sounds a bit like 

"Open mouth, change feet."


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## D_W (29 Mar 2021)

"i'll be working this weekend and will probably have to work a fair amount during vacation"


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## Woodmatt (29 Mar 2021)

I bought flower once for my wife,she was so pleased she dragged me upstairs,stripped off,laid on the bed,opened her legs and said this is for the flowers.I replied surely we have a vase in the house somewhere.Didnt go down well


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## D_W (29 Mar 2021)

D_W said:


> "i'll be working this weekend and will probably have to work a fair amount during vacation"



"plus, we're going to your parents' anyway, so it's not like i'll be able to stay awake there".


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## DrPhill (29 Mar 2021)

Trainee neophyte said:


> My lovely wife came home from the hairdresser, and all I said was, "You look nice."
> 
> She then proceeded to throw the contents of the house at me. Apparently it wasn't what she had asked for. Having learned my lesson, I now say something along the lines of "I like it if you like it", or even "Tell me what to say!"
> 
> It's only fair, because I reserve the right to throw things when I'm plumbing. Sometimes it helps.


Send her this link.....


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## Trainee neophyte (29 Mar 2021)

DrPhill said:


> Send her this link.....


Duly sent. I wonder if it will help?


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## artie (29 Mar 2021)

One evening she put her head round the door and asked, "what's on TV?"

"Dust" says I.

That's when the fight started.


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## Player33 (30 Mar 2021)




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## Inspector (30 Mar 2021)

Nah. She is snoring.

Pete


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## Ozi (30 Mar 2021)

Inspector said:


> While in the throws of passion, uttering the name of the last girlfriend into the ear of the present girlfriend.
> 
> Pete


Went out with a girl called Sue after having split up with another also called Sue, similar circumstances got a very frosty look and "which Sue" sometimes you are just never going to win


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## Paul555 (1 Apr 2021)

When wife asks which of her jeans you have washed, the answer "The one's that are a bit tight on you" is apparently the wrong response and really quite dangerous...


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## Stan (2 Apr 2021)

A "no win" situation is when she asks "does my bum look big in this?"

What can you say that doesn't get you into trouble? Claiming your right to silence fails miserably.


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## Cabinetman (2 Apr 2021)

Well you could always try a little white lie and some flattery Stan, "no you look as gorgeous as the day I married you."
You are allowed a little white lie in response to daft questions in my opinion. Ian


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## Dibs-h (3 Apr 2021)

Stan said:


> A "no win" situation is when she asks "does my bum look big in this?"



Have a good grope, smirk and say "It feels perfectly fine!" and go make a tea\coffee.


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## Fergie 307 (3 Apr 2021)

Phil Pascoe said:


> I bought my wife flowers. Once. She took them and said Christ! What have you done?


And I bet she will have since said "you never buy me flowers". You can't win.


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## Fergie 307 (3 Apr 2021)

Bill Derr said:


> My wife was trying on some swimwear and asked me for my opinion;
> 
> I said ''you look like 5lb of meat in a 4lb bag'' but she's a good 'un and just fell about laughing.


My God I would be dead, in fact she would probably bring me back to life just to kill me again !


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## Phil Pascoe (3 Apr 2021)

A chap I worked with gave a girl a lift home every night for a week or so. I asked him one day if if he was "attending to her needs" (euphemistically) because if he wasn't, he ought to be to be as she was obliging and very, very good,
No, he said, why would I want to go to bed with my brother's wife?


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## Player33 (5 Apr 2021)

Stan said:


> A "no win" situation is when she asks "does my bum look big in this?"
> 
> What can you say that doesn't get you into trouble? Claiming your right to silence fails miserably.



answering

“Of course dear, your bum looks big in everything...”

or

“do these jeans make my bum look big?”
“No dear, cake makes your bum look big...”

...makes your nose bleed.


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## Sachakins (5 Apr 2021)

Wife ... Does my bum look big in this?
Husband... err, umm, well, No Darling,
then for some inexplicable reason, his brain disconnects for a split second, and he goes on to say, ...Huge would be better description.

He has been in Intensive Care for 10 days so far......


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## pidgeonpost (5 Apr 2021)

OldWood said:


> Well done guys - that was all a good laugh.
> 
> My wife died 4 years ago and I can't really remember any specific examples but it was the ones where you say something totally innocuous........ and the world comes tumbling down! And it is "what the 'f' have I said now?". I would like to think it happened the other way on occasions, but it's all one way traffic from my memory.
> Rob


It's particularly bad when they suddenly go all tight-lipped and scowly when you twig on and say 'Have I done something to upset you, my flower?' and they say 'WELL IF YOU DON'T B****Y WELL KNOW, I'M NOT GOING TO B****Y WELL TELL YOU".


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