# Jokes



## Anonymous

Anyone got any decent jokes. there are only so many penguin wrapper jokes you can listen to in your break, before you feel like feeding your head through the planer.

 Doughnut


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## wood1000

try http://www.benchnotes.com/Humour/woodworking_jokes.htm


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## Anonymous

I think most of us have seen most of the sites dedicated to woodworking jokes. Any chance of something original (or even old, but half decent).

Thanks anyway.
 Doughnut


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## Jaco

Sorry not wood related.

What is the differnece between an accountant and 1 sperm cell?
The sperm cell has a 1 in a million chance of becoming a human being.

What is the difference between an accountant and a computer?
The computer has a personality.

  :lol:


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## RATWOOD

Twas the month after New Year's, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).

I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
I said to myself, as I only can 
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"


So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
'Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.


I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!


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## Anonymous

:lol: Nice :lol:


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## Jaco

very good! here is one on how to grovel!  

Dear Spike,
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off your engagement to my
daughter. Will you forgive and forget?
I was much too sensitive about your tattoos and piercings. I now
realize that motorcycles aren't really that dangerous, and I really
should not have reacted that way to the fact that you have never held
a job. I am sure,too,that some other very nice people live under the
bridge in the park. Sure my daughter is only 18 and wants to marry
you instead of going to university on a scholarship. After all, you
can't learn everything about life from books. I sometimes forget how
backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my
senses, and you have my full blessing to marry my daughter.
Sincerely,
Alfred (Your future father-in-law.)
P.S. Congratulations on winning the lottery last week.


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## Charley

lol, I like that one :lol: :lol:


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## Anonymous

NO!!!!  
Not the Christmas logo
Please not the Christmas Logo


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## eeyore

Back on topic ...

A chimpanzee walked into a bar, jumped up on a stool and ordered a beer.

"You're a talking chimp!" the bartender exclaimed.

"Right," the chimp replied, "I've been working in construction across the street for a week, then today, I got laid off. Now where's my beer?"

Each day the chimp came in for a few beers. The bartender noticed he was getting more and more depressed about being unemployed.

The next week, a circus came to town and the bartender mentioned the talking chimp to the owner.

The next day, when the talking chimp came into the bar, the barkeep said, "I've got great news, you can get a job with the circus."

"This circus, is it in that big canvas tent just outside of town?" the chimp inquired.

"Well yes," replied the bartender.

"I wonder why the hell they need a finishing carpenter then?" said the chimp.


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## RATWOOD

Years of Training
------------------

The local bar was so sure that its landlord was the strongest man 
around that it offered a standing $1,000,000 bet that no could beat 
him.

The challenge was that the landlord would squeeze a lemon until 
all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to 
the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of 
the lemon would win the money.

Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, 
weightlifters and all had failed.

Then one day this frail little fella with heavy rimmed spectacles 
came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.

After the laughter had subsided the landlord said that it was only 
fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a 
lemon and started squeezing.

Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly 
squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar.

Everyone looked on in amazement as the landlord handed over the 
prize and asked, "What do you do for a living that has given you 
such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?"

"No" the man replied, "I work for the Inland Revenue!"


Code:


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## bobthejoiner

What's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?" the woodworking teacher asked the only blonde in the woodworking class.

The blonde pondered the question for a moment, then replied, "Well, I'm not sure. I don't think I've ever been 'bolted' before."


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## bobthejoiner

Q: How do you tell a bad carpenter from an experienced pro?

A: The experienced guy can still count to ten on both hands.


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## Anonymous

LOL Bobthejoiner those jokes are pretty good...


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## Anonymous

Not woodwork related, but the mindset is similar

A "Haynes Manual" to English Dictionary

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start. Now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant economy size).

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: PINGGGG - "Where the hell did that go?"

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part (and maybe a plaster or two).

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it.

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be. We warned.

Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: An infant could do this... so how did you manage to f*** it
up?

Haynes: Two-spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teensy weensy number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three-spanner rating.
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days.

Haynes: Four-spanner rating.
Translation: You're not seriously considering this are you?

Haynes: Five-spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't ever carry your loved ones in it again.

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw it at the garage wall, then find some molegrips and a hammer...

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I
thought, it's going to need a new one"

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to suffer deep abrasions.

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: Yeah, right. But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother.
Alternatively, clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book, bar what you need to do


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## llangatwgnedd

Nice one Chris, reminds me off the fitters in 

work with their combination spanner (Hammer & Chisel) (hammer)

.


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## Anonymous

Glen Roeder is out shopping one afternoon when he sees an old lady struggling with several bags. He walks up to her and asks, "Can you manage, love?"

She replies;

"Get lost. You asked for the job and now you've got it you can keep it."



Not woodwork but it amused me.


Yours

Gill


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## Anonymous

IF YOU'RE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT, BOMB IRAQ 
If you cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq. 
If the markets are a drama, bomb Iraq. 
If the terrorists are frisky, 
Pakistan is looking shifty, 
North Korea looks too risky, 
Bomb Iraq. 

If we have no allies with us, bomb Iraq. 
If we think someone has dissed us, bomb Iraq. 
So to hell with all the inspections, 
Let's look tough for the elections, 
Close your mind and take directions, 
Bomb Iraq. 

It's "pre-emptive non-aggression", bomb Iraq. 
Let's prevent this mass destruction, bomb Iraq. 
They've got weapons we can't see, 
And that's good enough for me 
'Cos it's all the proof I need 
Bomb Iraq. 

If you never were elected, bomb Iraq. 
If your mood is quite dejected, bomb Iraq. 
If you think Saddam's gone mad, 
With the weapons that he had, 
(And he tried to kill your dad), 
Bomb Iraq. 

If your corporate fraud is growin', bomb Iraq. 
If your ties to it are showin', bomb Iraq. 
If your politics are sleazy, 
And hiding it ain't easy, 
And your manhood's getting queasy, 
Bomb Iraq. 

Fall in line and follow orders, bomb Iraq. 
For our might knows not our borders, bomb Iraq. 
Disagree? We'll call it treason, 
Let's make war not love this season, 
Even if we have no reason, 
Bomb Iraq. 





I'll get me 'at an' coat

Gill


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## Anonymous

Respect is due!!!

HuYa :lol:


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## llangatwgnedd

.

*Learn Chinese in 5 minutes...* (read them out loud)


1) That's not right ......... Sum Ting Wong 
2) Are you harbouring a fugitive?..... Hu Yu Hai Ding 
3) See me ASAP..........Kum Hia Nao 
4) Stupid Man ..............Dum Gai 
5) Small Horse ...........Tai Ni Po Ni 
6) Did you go to the beach? ........Wai Yu So Tan 
7) I bumped into a coffee table ........Ai Bang Mai Ni 
8) I think you need a face lift .......Chin Tu Fat 
9) It's very dark in here .....Wao So Dim 
10) I thought you were on a diet ......Wai Yu Mun Ching? 
11) Double yellow lines .......No Pah King 
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week ..........Wai Yu Kum Nao? 
13) Staying out of sight .........Lei Ying Lo 
14) He's cleaning his car……. Wa Shing Ka 
15) Your body odour is offensive .......Yu Stin Ki Pu 
16) Great .....Fa Kin Su Pah 



*Scientific Study*


I realize that this is for submissions of jokes, but I came across this
important scientific study that people should be aware of:

Recently, Scientists in United Kingdom suggested that the results of a
recent analysis revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, and suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were each fed 6 pints of beer within a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense,
became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit down while urinating and refused to apologize when wrong. 
No further testing is planned.
:roll:


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## bobthejoiner

See if you can do this. Read each line without making any mistakes.
If you make a mistake you have to start over.

This is the cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dummy cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

Now , go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top.


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## bobthejoiner

The first line should be:
This is this cat

sorry guys


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## Anonymous

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark". Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being anything you want after all you're the guv'

.. But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, . . I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"

"Yep, that's right, well . . sort of right . . this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.

"Fish?", queries Noah "Yep, fish . . well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling -Carp!"

Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?"

"That's right".

"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?".

"Check".

"And you want it full of Carp?".

"Indeed".

"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether..........................


"Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark


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## llangatwgnedd

>David Beckham decides to go horse riding. Although he has had no previous 
>experience he skilfully mounts the horse and appears in complete command of 
>the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace:
>
>
>
>Victoria admiringly watching her husband.
>
>
>
>After a short time David becomes a little casual and he begins to lose his 
>grip in the saddle, he panics and grabs the horse around the neck shouting 
>for it to stop.
>
>
>
>Victoria starts to scream and shout for someone to help her husband as 
>David has by this time slipped completely out of the saddle and is only 
>saved from hitting the ground by the fact that he still has a grip on the 
>horses neck.
>
>
>
>David decides that his best chance is to leap away from the horse, but his 
>foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups.
>
>
>
>As the horse gallops along David's head is banging on the ground and he is 
>slipping into unconsciousness.
>
>
>
>Victoria is now frantic and screams and screams for help!!!!
>
>
>
>Hearing her screams, the Tesco's Security Guard comes out of the store and 
>
>
>
>unplugs the horse !


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## llangatwgnedd

*3 Men in a Sauna:*

Three men, one American, one Japanese and an Irishman were
sitting naked in a sauna.



Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his
forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That
was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."




A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his
palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile
phone.


I have a microchip in my hand.



The Irishman felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he
decided he had to do something just as impressive
.
He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.



He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from
his behind.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.
The Irishman finally said
----"Well will you look at that. I'm getting a fax."




,


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## Anonymous

Hi SDP

     

I really liked that one!

Yours

Gill


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## Anonymous

Two Irishmen are walking down a road when they come across a mirror. 
One says to the other "Whats that then?", to which the other replies, "Its a picture. The face looks farmiliar, but I cant put a name to it." 
On hearing this the other Irishman walks over to take a look, and says "Ah you daft begger, thats me that is".


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## Anonymous

An old building site joke

you've laid a floor and can't find your level how do you check it's right.

entice a GF into the middle of the floor if he dribbles out of both sides of his mouth its ok. But the acid test is get the Agent into the room if he keeps staggering into all the walls its perfect cause there's never been an agent on an even keel


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## llangatwgnedd

The Welsh Assembly announced today the arrival of Wales second airport, the Gurnos Estate International Airport in Merthyr Tydfil, the first flight to arrive was the 11.50 Virgin Airlines Cross Atlantic flight form America. The people from Gurnos estate were so excited to meet the flight as it was the first Virgin seen in the area for 20 years. The return journey back to America was due for departure at 12.30, this was delayed because when the pilot went to the aircraft he found it to be up on blocks and striped to the bone. As a result every house in the Gurnos now has a new hall carpet, every lounge now has a reclining chair, every bed has new pillow cases, and Mrs Bowen who is living on the end of the street has a new number for the house, number 747.


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## Anonymous

:lol: :lol: :lol: 

joking aside - BA used to do a good carpet for the aisles. I kewn a BA fitter & carpeted my halll & stairs.


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## Jaco

Kostas and his wife Eleni were working in the garden one day when Kostas 
looks over at his wife and says, "Your butt is getting really big. I 
mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbeque." 

With that he proceeded to measure the grill and then went over to where 
Eleni was working and measured his Eleni's bottom. "Yes, I was right 
your butt is two inches wider than the barbeque!!!" 

Eleni chose to ignore her husband. 

Later that night in bed, Kostas is feeling a little frisky. He makes 
some advances towards Eleni, who completely brushes him off. 

"What's wrong?" he asks. 
She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big ass 
grill for one little souvlaki?"


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## Anonymous

1. How do you play Iraqi bingo? B-52...F-16...B-2.. a-10 

2. What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common? They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from. 

3. How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but from 30 miles away using laser targeting, and at a cost of $800,000. 

4. Why is it twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots? You only have to teach them to take off. 

5. Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats? So they can see their Air Force 

6. What does Saddam want for Thanksgiving? Turkey 

7. What do Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common? They both have curds in their whey. 

8. What is the best Iraqi job? Foreign Ambassador 

9. How many members of the coalition does it take to screw in a light bulb? We are not prepared to comment on specific numbers at this time. 

10. What is Iraq's national bird? Duck 

11. What's the difference between Aeroflot and the Scud missile? Aeroflot has killed more people. 

12. How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone? Both may look out the window and see Rubble 

13. Why do all Iraqi soldiers carry a piece of sandpaper? They need a map.


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## bobthejoiner

Operations

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating
table, because when you open them up, everything
inside is numbered,"

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything
inside them is color coded,"

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers.
They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the
end and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon, Dr. Morris Fishbein, shuts them all up when he
observes: "The French are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts,
no heart, no balls and no spine. Plus the head and ass are
interchangeable."


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## Charley

It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf, when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home. 

"Hello?" says a little girl's voice. 

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?" 

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank." 

After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!" 

"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!" 

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house." 

"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy." 

"And what happened?" 

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and fell out the front window and now she's all dead." 

"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?" 

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too." 

There is a long pause. 

"Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?"


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## Jaco

A local preacher was paying a visit to one of his church members 
on a Friday night, and heard a loud party as he approached the 
house. 

He knocked on the door and the owner answered. Behind him, he saw 
a circle of naked men, with blindfolded women moving from man to 
man, fondling each man's package, and guessing who it was. 

The preacher, seeing this, said, "I'm sorry. I don't think I'd 
fit in here right now." 

"Nonsense," the man replied. "Your name's been called three times 
already


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## Jaco

How do you play Iraqi bingo? B-52...F-16...B-2.. a-10 

2. What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common? They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from. 

3. How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but from 30 miles away using laser targeting, and at a cost of $800,000. 

4. Why is it twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots? You only have to teach them to take off. 

5. Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats? So they can see their Air Force 

6. What does Saddam want for Thanksgiving? Turkey 

7. What do Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common? They both have curds in their whey. 

8. What is the best Iraqi job? Foreign Ambassador 

9. How many members of the coalition does it take to screw in a light bulb? We are not prepared to comment on specific numbers at this time. 

10. What is Iraq's national bird? Duck 

11. What's the difference between Aeroflot and the Scud missile? Aeroflot has killed more people. 

12. How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone? Both may look out the window and see Rubble 

13. Why do all Iraqi soldiers carry a piece of sandpaper? They need a map.


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## Jaco

Big humble apologies for posting this last one, had been posted.
I must have had a senior moment!


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## Anonymous

Don't forget to apologise twice to keep constant :lol:


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## Jaco

I do humbly apologize again.
 
here is a new one ....

A very attractive woman goes up to the cash register in a restaurant.
She gestures to a man behind the counter, who, after viewing her assets,
comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face
closer to hers.
When he does so, she begins to gently caress his cheek, which slowly
turns red.
"Are you the owner?" she asks, now softly stroking his face with both
hands.
"Actually, no," he replies. I'm the manager."
"Can you get the owner for me? I need to speak to him," she says,
running her hands up beyond his ears and through his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the manager. "He is not in today.
Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues
huskily,
popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them
gently.
"Tell him," she says, "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the
ladies loo


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## Anonymous

A little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds one cold winter Evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. 
Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. “Look, there is a couple who has been through alot together, probably for 60 years or more!” 
The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of the little old lady. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in Two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of her. He took a sip of the drink, and then she took a sip as the man began to eat his few bites. 
Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were thinking. 
“That poor old couple, they don’t have enough money.” As the old man began to eat his French fries, one young man stood and came over to the old couples’ table. He politely offered to buy another meal. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything. 
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn’t eaten a thing... 
She just sat there watching him eat and occasionally sipped some of the drink. 
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. 
This time, the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing, and one meal was more than enough for the two of them. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked . “Ma’am, why aren’t you eating then. You said that you share everything. 
What is it that you are waiting for?” 
She answered, ... “The teeth


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## Anonymous

News flash. 
========== 
A major earthquake, measuring 9.1 on the Richter scale has hit 
Nigeria this morning. 

350,000 Nigerians have died and over a million have been reported 
injured. 

The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where 
to start with providing help. 

The rest of the world is in shock, Canada is sending troops to assist 
the country, Europe is sending food and money, and South Africa is 
sending 350,000 replacement Nigerians .


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## bobthejoiner

British TV & Radio Double Entendres.
1. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-cambridge boat race 1977-"Ah isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew"
2. Ted Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator- "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother"
3. New Zealand Rugby Commentator- " Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside him"
4. Ken Brown commenting on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddy Fanny Sunneson lining up shots at the Scottish -Open- " Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself"
5. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports -"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets"
6.
Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edward's tyre choice on World Superbike-racing-" Colin had a hard on in practice earlier and I bet he wished he had a hard on now"
7 .Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning-" She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night".
8.Clair frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said - "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night"
9. James Allen interviewing Ralph Schumacher at a Grand Prix asked- "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello"
10. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters- "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69"
11 The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away-" MY word" he said "Look at that magnificent erection
12.Willie Carson was telling Clair balding how jockey's prepare for a big race when he said-" they usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions"
13 Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team said-" you'd eat beaver if you could get it".
14 A femalenews anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't turned to the weatherman and asked,-" So Bob where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did to, because they were laughing so much.
15 US PGA Commentator-" One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that before each tee shot, his wife takes his balls out and kisses them.... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!!"
16. Metro Radio- "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field"
17. Pat Glenn Weightlifting commentator-" And this Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing"
18. David Colman's comment on the Cuban 400 metre runner at the Olyimpics-"Juantorena only has to open his legs to show us his class"
19. Brian Johnstone's classic--" Welcome back to Edgbaston after the tea interval, listeners, for the Test match between England and the West Indies, with the west indies batting. The batsman's Holding; the blowler's Willey"


----------



## Anonymous

Two Irishmen were in a life boat, following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. 

While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. 

To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" 

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances. 

One man looked disgustedly at the other, whose wish had been granted. 

After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going silly person! Now we're going to have to water in the boat!"


----------



## Jaco

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D.
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:
I decided to wash my car. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first. But then I think, since I’m going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
I’m going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye—they need to be watered. I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, we will be looking for the remote, but nobody will remember that it’s on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I’ll water the flowers.
I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day: the car isn’t washed, the bills aren’t paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren’t watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can’t find the remote, I can’t find my glasses, and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.
Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I’m really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I’ll try to get some help for it, but first I’ll check my e-mail.
Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don’t remember to whom it has been sent.
If this doesn’t apply to you, don’t laugh your day is coming!


----------



## Jaco

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked,

"If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"

"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.

"Will you use it to gamble?"

"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"

"Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars.

Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The bum was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."

The man replied, "Hey, man, that's OK!

I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf


----------



## Jaco

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when
> dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to
> understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one
> single rule applies: Make the woman happy. 
> 
> Do something she likes, and you get points.
> Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
> You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
> Sorry, but that's the way the game is played. 
> 
> Here is a guide to the point system:
> 
> SIMPLE DUTIES 
> You make the bed.....+1 
> You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.....0 
> You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets....-1 
> You leave the toilet seat up.....-5 
> You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty......0 
> When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.....-1 
> When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom.....-2 
> You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings.....+5 
> In the snow .....+8 
> But return with beer.....-5 
> And no liners.....-25 
> You check out a suspicious noise at night.....0 
> You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing.....0 
> You check out a suspicious noise and it is something.....+5 
> You pummel it with a six iron.....+10 
> It's her cat.....-40 
> 
> AT THE PARTY 
> You stay by her side the entire party.....0 
> You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with college drinking
> buddy.....-2 
> Named Tiffany.....-4 
> Tiffany is a dancer.....-10 
> With breast implants.....-18 
> 
> HER BIRTHDAY 
> You remember her birthday.....0 
> You buy a card and flowers.....0 
> You take her out to dinner.....0 
> You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar.....+1 
> Okay, it is a sports bar.....-2 
> And it's all-you-can-eat night.....-3 
> It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the
> colors of your favorite team.....-10 
> 
> A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS 
> Go with a pal.....0 
> The pal is happily married.....+1 
> The pal is single.....-7 
> He drives a Ferrari.....-10 
> With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED)...-15 
> 
> A NIGHT OUT WITH HER 
> You take her to a movie.....+2 
> You take her to a movie she likes.....+4 
> You take her to a movie you hate.....+6 
> You take her to a movie you like.....-2 
> It's called Death Cop III.....-3 
> Which features Cyborgs that eat humans.....-9 
> You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.....-15 
> 
> YOUR PHYSIQUE 
> You develop a noticeable pot belly.....-15 
> You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it.....+10 
> You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy
> Hawaiian shirts.....-30 
> You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.".....-800 
> 
> THE BIG QUESTION 
> She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?" 
> You hesitate in responding.....-10 
> You reply, "Where?".....-35 
> You reply, "No, I think it's your ass".....-100 
> Any other response.....-20 
> 
> COMMUNICATION 
> When she wants to talk about a problem: 
> You listen, displaying a concerned expression.....0 
> You listen, for over 30 minutes.....+5 
> You relate to her problem and share a similar experience.....+50 
> Your mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying "Well, what
> do you think I should do?".....-100 
> You have fallen asleep.....-200 
> 
> IT'S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH 
> You talk.....-100 
> You don't talk.....-150 
> You spend time with her......-200 
> You don't spend time with her.....-500 
> You seem to be enjoying yourself.....-1000 
> 
> GAME OVER - YOU LOSE!!


----------



## Anonymous

Hubby Shopping

A Husband Shopping Center has opened where a woman can go to choose a
husband from among many men. It is laid out in five floors, and the men
increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may
choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go
back down, except to exit the building.

So, a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door says:

Floor 1: These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman reads the sign and says: "Well that's better than not having
jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?"

So up she goes.

The second floor sign says:

Floor 2: These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely
good looking.

"Hmmm, better." says the woman. "But, I wonder what's further up?"

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3: These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely
good looking, and help with the housework.

"Wow," says the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there's must be more
further up!"

And, again, she goes up.

On the fourth floor the sign reads:

Floor 4: These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely
good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

"Oh, mercy me! But just think...what must be awaiting me further on?

So up to the fifth floor she goes.

The sign on that door says:

Floor 5: This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to
please. Thank you for shopping and have a nice day.


----------



## Anonymous

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which


conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft
during
> the 

flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct
the
> 

problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form
what 

remedial action was taken and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets
before
> the
> 

next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers
lack a 

sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints
and 

problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by 

maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline
that 

has never had an accident. 

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.) 

(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.) 


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. 

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. 


P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. 

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. 


P: Something loose in cockpit. 

S: Something tightened in cockpit 


P: Dead bugs on windshield. 

S: Live bugs on back-order. 


P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
> descent.
> 

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. 


P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. 

S: Evidence removed. 


P: DME volume unbelievably loud. 

S: DME volume set to more believable level. 


P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. 

S: That's what they're there for. 


P: IFF inoperative. 

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. 


P: Suspected crack in windshield. 

S: Suspect you're right. 


P: Number 3 engine missing. 

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. 


P: Aircraft handles funny. 

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. 



P: Target radar hums. 

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. 


P: Mouse in cockpit. 

S: Cat installed.


----------



## Jaco

These questions about South Africa were posted on a South African
Tourism Website and were answered by the website owner.

Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa? I have never seen it rain on
TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them
die.

Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the
railroadtracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only two thousand kilometres take lots of water...

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa? Can you send me
a list of them in JHB, Cape Town, Knysna and Jeffrey's Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South
Africa? (USA)
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific.
A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe
which does not... oh what the hell... Sure, the Koala Bear racing is
everyTuesday night in Hillbrow. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is north in South Africa? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here
and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday
night in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can
you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female
population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year
round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is
illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All
South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and
make good pets.

Q: I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I
dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

 :lol:


----------



## Anonymous

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away. 
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." 
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. 
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. 
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "!", she cried, " just to tell me my duck is dead?!!" 

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been much less, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it went up considerably


----------



## Dog

The burglar and the parrot
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight 
around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you." 

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and 
froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." 

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his 
flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot. 

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you." 

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" 

"Moses," replied the bird. 

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?" 

The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rotweiller "Jesus"! :wink:


----------



## Anonymous

It was opening night at the theatre and people came from miles around to see
the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As the hypnotist took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage
hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a
trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as he withdrew a beautiful antique
pocket watch from his coat.

I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special
watch. Its been in my family for six generations.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...." The crowd became
mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its
polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch,
until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the
floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"dung" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theater.


----------



## Jaco

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man

fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on.

"It represents a candle" he said. You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells" . Saint Peter said you may pass

through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's knickers. St. Peter looked at the man with a

raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied............



WAIT FOR IT.................

"They're Carols".


----------



## Guest

A man was driving down a lane in Ireland when he spotted a leprachaun asleep on a wall. He slammwd on his brakes, jumped out and grabbed hold of the little man. "I claim my three wishes" the man shouted, "I know you have to grant them."Ah," replied the leprachaun,"but did you know that whatever you wish for your worst enemy will get double."
"Thats ok." agreed the man." For my first wish I want 10 million quid"
There was a puff of smoke and a bank book appeared in the man's hand, 10 million pounds showing in black."Don't forget,"said the leprachaun"your worst enemy has 20 million now" "What's your second wish?"
After much consideration the man said"I want a 100 room mansion with a luscious girl waiting for me in every room"
Aother puff of smoke and there on the hill was his mansion, girls waving from every room.
"Don't forget" "Yeah,yeah " the man interupted, "My worst enemy blah blah!"
"Last wish then" said the leprachaun getting a bit fed up with his captor.
After scratching his head and pondering for a long time he said"Can I ask a question?"
"Ok" said the leprachaun, wanting to get home for his tea now"What's your question?"
"Does it hurt to have one ball off?"


----------



## Guest

A young woodworker thinks up a new mousetrap.He beavers away in his garxxx.wokshop and dashes off with the result of his labours to the Patent Office.
He places his mousetrap on the table. It consists of a short ramp with a razor blade fixed across the top edge. On the other side of the razor blade is a lump of cheese.
"How does it work?" asks the Patent Officer.
"Well, the mouse runs up the ramp and reaches for the cheese and so cuts it's throat" states the woody proudly.
"But it won't work"explains the Officer"You have to have a sawing motion or the mouse will just take it's head away."
Disolusioned, the chippy goes home but just a week later he is back with his modified mousetrap.
The Patent officer looks puzzled."The only difference I can see is there's no cheese. How's that going to help?"
"Now," the chippy explains"when the mouse goes up the ramp,helooks from side to side saying "Where's the bloody cheese?"


----------



## Anonymous

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his ax fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his ax has fallen into water, and he needed the ax to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden ax.

"Is this your ax?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver ax. "Is this your ax?" the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron ax. "Is this your ax?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?" 

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked. 

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so
THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it.


----------



## Anonymous

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to 
the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind that you should know five things:

1 - The bartender is a blonde girl. 

2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl. 

3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 

4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter. 

5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke? The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.


----------



## Anonymous

F0RWARD PLANNING
An Irish Engineer named O’Malley went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor after a lengthy examination sighed and looked O’Malley in the eye and said, “I’ve some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can’t be cured. You’d best put your affairs in order. O’Malley was shocked and saddened. But, being a solid character and good engineer, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor’s office into the waiting room,where his son had been waiting.
“Well, son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go well. In this case, things aren’t so well. I have cancer. Let’s head to the pub and have a few pints.”After 3 or 4 pints, or more, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and some more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O’Malley’s old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
O’Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good as well as the bad. He went on to tell his friends that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, “I have been diagnosed with AIDS.”
The friends gave O’Malley their condolences, and they had a couple of more beers. After the friends left, O’Malley’s son leaned over and whispered his confusion.
“Dad, I thought you told me that you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends that you were dying of AIDS!”
O’Malley said, “I don’t want any of them sleeping with your Mother after I am gone.”


----------



## kityuser

whats the first thing sadam said when the american GI pulled him out of his hole??????


> have I beaten david blaine yet????????


----------



## Anonymous

Why we love children



1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.

"Because I pineappled in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child

innocently. You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

"You know, "explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it

didn't move."



2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes

later....."Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of

water?" "No, You had your chance, Lights out." Five minutes later:

"Da-aaaad....."

"WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"

I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five

minutes

later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me,

can

you bring a drink of water?"



3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,

finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy

thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out

and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake,

Dylan, come in or stay out!'"



4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was

tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he

asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me

tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.

"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long

silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big

sissy."



5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the

children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.

One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she

sat

down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress.

Is

it

your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the

pastor's

clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a puppy to iron."



6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year

old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the

shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes,

honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she

replied, but what's growing in your butt?"



7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,

"Two plus five, that son of a puppy is seven. Three plus six, that

son of a puppy is nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and

gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my

math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do

it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother

asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in

math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning

addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two

plus

two, that son of a puppy is four?" After the teacher stopped

laughing,

she

answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is

four."







8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken

Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken

Little tried

to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to

the

farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that

farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he

said:

'Holy dung! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for

the

next 10 minutes.



9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr.

Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must

say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School,

and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I

thought I was, but mother says I'm

not."



10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with

the boys? "Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys,

they're too rough."

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I

can

find a smooth one, can I play with him?"



11. A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father. She

stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,

eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're

gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna

get boobs too."







Not for the Feminists!



A recent scientific study found that the kind of male face a woman 

finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual 

cycle.



For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged 

and masculine features. And if she is menstruating, she is likely to 

prefer a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors shoved 

deep into his temple and a hurley jammed up his @rse.





The population of this country is 44674809. 
10783534 are retired. 
That leaves 33891275 to do the work. 
There are 12043423 in school, 
which leave 21847852 to do the work. 
Of this there are 14103245 unemployed.
This leaves 7744607 to do the work. 
1719686 are in the Armed Forces,
which leaves 6024921 to do the work. 
Take from the total the 4824387 people who work for Public Works and City Government and that leaves 1200534 to do the work. 
There are 288534 in hospitals,
so that leaves 911788 to do the work. 
Now, there are 911786 people in Prisons. 
That leaves Just two people to do the work. You and me. 
And you're just sitting there reading jokes all day!


----------



## Noel

Kinda almost makes Chubby Brown appear mildly amusing, keep the day job.

Rgds

Noel


----------



## frank

what is the difference between an elephantand a greyhound . about 50 years hard sanding .


a women rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out .she rattles off,doctor take a look at me .when i woke up this morning ,i looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up ,my skin was all wrinkled and pasty my eyes were blood-shot and bugged out ,and i had this corpse-like look on my face !whats wrong with me doctor ?

the doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes,then calmly says ,well i can tell you one thing there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight


----------



## Gill

Five tips for a woman....

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.


----------



## Anonymous

An Australian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and 
>jam 
> >> 
> >> in a cafe, when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to 
>him. 
> >> 
> >> The Australian politely ignored the American who, nevertheless, 
> >> 
> >> started up a conversation. 
> >> 
> >> 
> >> 
> >> The American snapped the gum in his mouth and said, "Do you 
>Australian 
> >> 
> >> folks eat the whole loaf? " The Australian frowned, annoyed with 
>being 
> >> 
> >> bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "yeah, of course". 
> >> 
> >> 
> >> 
> >> The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States we only 
>eat 
> >> 
> >> what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, 
> >> 
> >> transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia. " 
> >> 
> >> 
> >> 
> >> The American had a smirk on his face, the Australian listened in 
> >> 
> >> silence. The American persisted, "D'ya eat jam with the bread? 
> >> 
> >> "Sighing, the Australian replied "yes. " Cracking his gum between 
> >> 
> >> his teeth, the American said, "we don't. In the States we eat 
> >> 
> >> fresh fruit for breakfast, we put all the peels, seeds and 
>leftovers 
> >> 
> >> in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell 
> >> 
> >> it to Australia. 
> >> 
> >> 
> >> 
> >> The Australian then asked, "do you have sex in the States? " 
> >> 
> >> The American smiled and said "yeah, of course we do. " 
> >> 
> >> The Australian leant closer to him and asked, "what do you do with 
>the 
> >> 
> >> condoms once you've used them?" 
> >> 
> >> 
> >> 
> >> "We throw them away of course" replied the American. 
> >> 
> >> 
> >> 
> >> Now it was the Australian's turn to smile. 
> >> 
> >> 
> >> 
> >> "We don't. In Australia, we put them in containers, recycle them, 
>melt 
> >> 
> >> them down into chewing gum and sell them to The United States, 
>that's 
> >> 
> >> why its called Wrigley's"


----------



## frank

its the little scouse lads birthday and his mum gives him some money and tells his sister to take him to the shops in town .he goes to the sports shop and buys a man united shirt his sister plays hell with him ,so they go home when his mum sees the shirt she goes bonkers and belts him round the ears ,later when his dad gets home he belts the lad saying you know me and your mum support liverpool ,with that the lad replies iv'e only been a man united supporter for a few hours and i already hate you scousers


----------



## frank

two lads where playing in the street in manchester when a doberman runs up and starts to savage one of the boys ,the second one picks up a stick and hits the dog on the head and kills it .a man runs up and tells the lad he works for the local paper and will print the story of how a brave young manchester united supporter saved his friend from a mad dog, the lad replies i am not a manchester united supporter oh right said the man well your a manchester city supporter them ,no said the lad i come from liverpool .that night the the head lines said liverpool yob kills family pet


----------



## Guest

An old lady takes her senile old husband to the doctor. The doctor,after a thorough examination, shakes his head. "I'm not sure what's wrong with him" says the doctor."We had better have samples of his urine,semen and faeces"
"What did he say?" asks the feeble old gent."Just leave your underpants with the receptionist" replied his wife(This story is not autobiographical)


----------



## Guest

The same old lady goes to the doctor on her own behalf.After examining her he announced"You have acute angina"
"My **** are pretty good too"she replied


----------



## Adam

It was opening night at the theatre and people came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. 
As the hypnotist took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage 
hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." 

The excitement was almost electric as he withdrew a beautiful antique 
pocket watch from his coat. 

I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations. 
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, 
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the 
floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. 

"dung" said the hypnotist. 

It took three weeks to clean up the theater. 


The burglar and the parrot 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight 
around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you." 

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and 
froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." 

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his 
flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot. 

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you." 

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" 

"Moses," replied the bird. 

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?" 

The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rotweiller "Jesus"! 



These questions about South Africa were posted on a South African 
Tourism Website and were answered by the website owner. 

Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa? I have never seen it rain on 
TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK) 
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them 
die. 

Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA) 
A: Depends how much you've been drinking. 

Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the 
railroadtracks? (Sweden) 
A: Sure, it's only two thousand kilometres take lots of water... 

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa? (Sweden) 
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes. 

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa? Can you send me 
a list of them in JHB, Cape Town, Knysna and Jeffrey's Bay? (UK) 
A: What did your last slave die of? 

Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South 
Africa? (USA) 
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific. 
A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe 
which does not... oh what the hell... Sure, the Koala Bear racing is 
everyTuesday night in Hillbrow. Come naked. 

Q: Which direction is north in South Africa? (USA) 
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here 
and we'll send the rest of the directions. 

Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa? (UK) 
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do. 

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA) 
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which 
is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday 
night in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked. 

Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa? (France) 
A: No, WE don't stink. 

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can 
you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa? (USA) 
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather. 

Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female 
population is smaller than the male population? (Italy) 
A: Yes, gay nightclubs. 

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa? (France) 
A: Only at Christmas. 

Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa? (Germany) 
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them. 

Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year 
round? (Germany) 
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is 
illegal. 

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense 
rattlesnake serum. USA) 
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All 
South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and 
make good pets. 

Q: I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I 
dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? (USA) 
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour. 

Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA) 
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first. 


Kostas and his wife Eleni were working in the garden one day when Kostas looks over at his wife and says, "Your butt is getting really big. I 
mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbeque." 

With that he proceeded to measure the grill and then went over to where 
Eleni was working and measured his Eleni's bottom. "Yes, I was right 
your butt is two inches wider than the barbeque!!!" 

Eleni chose to ignore her husband. 

Later that night in bed, Kostas is feeling a little frisky. He makes 
some advances towards Eleni, who completely brushes him off. 

"What's wrong?" he asks. 
She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big ass 
grill for one little souvlaki?" 


A local preacher was paying a visit to one of his church members 
on a Friday night, and heard a loud party as he approached the 
house. 

He knocked on the door and the owner answered. Behind him, he saw 
a circle of naked men, with blindfolded women moving from man to 
man, fondling each man's package, and guessing who it was. 

The preacher, seeing this, said, "I'm sorry. I don't think I'd 
fit in here right now." 

"Nonsense," the man replied. "Your name's been called three times 
already 


A very attractive woman goes up to the cash register in a restaurant. 
She gestures to a man behind the counter, who, after viewing her assets, 
comes over immediately. 
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face 
closer to hers. 
When he does so, she begins to gently caress his cheek, which slowly 
turns red. 
"Are you the owner?" she asks, now softly stroking his face with both 
hands. 
"Actually, no," he replies. I'm the manager." 
"Can you get the owner for me? I need to speak to him," she says, 
running her hands up beyond his ears and through his hair. 
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the manager. "He is not in today. 
Is there anything I can do for you?" 
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues 
huskily, 
popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them 
gently. 
"Tell him," she says, "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the 
ladies loo 


Two Irishmen were in a life boat, following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. 

While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. 

To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" 

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances. 

One man looked disgustedly at the other, whose wish had been granted. 

After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going silly person! Now we're going to have to water in the boat!" 


Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. 
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. 

This is how it manifests: 
I decided to wash my car. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full. 
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first. But then I think, since I’m going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. 
I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking. 
I’m going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. 
As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye—they need to be watered. I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning. 
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, we will be looking for the remote, but nobody will remember that it’s on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I’ll water the flowers. 
I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. 
Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. 
At the end of the day: the car isn’t washed, the bills aren’t paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren’t watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can’t find the remote, I can’t find my glasses, and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys. 
Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I’m really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I’ll try to get some help for it, but first I’ll check my e-mail. 
Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don’t remember to whom it has been sent. 
If this doesn’t apply to you, don’t laugh your day is coming! 


Two Irishmen are walking down a road when they come across a mirror. 
One says to the other "Whats that then?", to which the other replies, "Its a picture. The face looks farmiliar, but I cant put a name to it." 
On hearing this the other Irishman walks over to take a look, and says "Ah you daft begger, thats me that is".


----------



## Gill

A snail goes to the police stationhaving been terribly beaten up. The policeman asks who did it.

"A tortoise," says the snail.

"Can you describe the tortoise?" the cop asks. "How big was he? What colour?"

"I don't know," says the snail, "It all happened so fast." 




A snail sitting at the bar asks the landlord for a pint of lager and a packet of crisps. 

The landlord picks the snail up, walks to the door of the pub and hurls the snail outside as far as he can. 

One year, three months and twenty two days later, the snail, slightly short of breath, is sitting once more at the bar and says to the landlord, 

"What did you go and do that for?"


----------



## Anonymous

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked 
her class, 
"Which human body part increases to ten times its 
size when stimulated?" 
No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, 
and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a 
question like that! 
I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and 
tell the principal, who will then fire you!" 
With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down. 
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, 
"Which body part increases to 10 times its size when 
stimulated?" 
Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those 
around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!" 
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the 
class, 
"Anybody?" 
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, 
and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its 
size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." 
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to 
Mary and continued, 
As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: 
One, you have a dirty mind, Two, you didn't read your 
homework, and three, one day you are going to be very, 
very disappointed."


----------



## Anonymous

Ancient Technology!

After digging to a depth of 100m last year, Russian scientists found
traces of copper wiring dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that
their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.

So as not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, French scientists dug
200m, and headlines in the newspapers read:- "French scientists have found
traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and have concluded that their
ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years
earlier than the Russians"

One week later, the Irish press reported the following:- "After digging as
deep as 500m, Irish scientists have found absolutely nothing!
They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already
using mobile phones".


----------



## Anonymous

THREE GIRLS ALL WORKED IN THE SAME OFFICE WITH THE SAME FEMALE BOSS.
EACH DAY, THEY NOTICED THE BOSS LEFT WORK EARLY.

ONE DAY, THE GIRLS DECIDED THAT, WHEN THE BOSS LEFT, THEY WOULD LEAVE

RIGHT BEHIND HER.

AFTER ALL, SHE NEVER CALLED OR CAME BACK TO WORK, SO HOW WOULD SHE

KNOW THEY WENT HOME EARLY?

THE BRUNETTE WAS THRILLED TO BE HOME EARLY. SHE DID A LITTLE

GARDENING, SPENT PLAYTIME WITH HER SON, AND WENT TO BED EARLY.

THE REDHEAD WAS ELATED TO BE ABLE TO GET IN A QUICK WORKOUT AT THE SPA

BEFORE MEETING A DINNER DATE.

THE BLONDE WAS HAPPY TO GET HOME EARLY AND SURPRISE HER HUSBAND, BUT

WHEN SHE GOT TO HER BEDROOM, SHE HEARD A MUFFLED NOISE FROM INSIDE.

SLOWLY AND QUIETLY, SHE CRACKED OPEN THE DOOR AND WAS MORTIFIED TO SEE

HER HUSBAND IN BED WITH HER BOSS! GENTLY, SHE CLOSED THE

DOOR AND CREPT OUT OF HER HOUSE.


THE NEXT DAY, AT THEIR COFFEE BREAK, THE BRUNETTE AND REDHEAD PLANNED

TO LEAVE EARLY AGAIN, AND THEY ASKED THE BLONDE IF SHE WAS GOING TO GO

WITH THEM.


"NO WAY," THE BLONDE EXCLAIMED. "I ALMOST GOT CAUGHT YESTERDAY!"


----------



## Anonymous

It's only 40 miles from where I live!



NEWS FLASH 


A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the richter scale hits Essex

A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit in the early hours of Saturday 27th March 2004.
Epicentre: Canvey Island,Essex.

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering “fockin mentoe”, “innit” and “cont”.
The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately £30.00 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish Costa’s were damaged beyond repair.
Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed.
Many locals were woken well before their giro arrived.
Essex News reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Canvey.
One resident – Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said “ It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two: Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Kilroy the next morning.”
Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime did carry on as normal.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, which include benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing, parcels for those unfortunate to be caught up in this disaster.
Clothing is most sought after, items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps,
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers),
Shell suits (female)
White sport socks
Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include Microwave meals, tins of baked beans, ice cream and cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms,
£2.00 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9,
£5.00 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

Please do not send tents for shelter, as the sight of posh housing is unfair on the population or neighbouring areas of Vange, Pitsea and Laindon.


----------



## Anonymous

CLASSIFIED ADVERTISEMENTS 
FOR SALE 
One chariot, (low-swinging, sweet type),in urgent need of repair (wheels have come off .. again). One careless owner, details from Clive, Tel.Twickenham 20-14.

FOR SALE 
100,000 Grand Slam t-shirts, ties & scarves - unused (choice of 1998/99, 1999/2000, 2000/2001 and 2003/2004 ) Contact : RFU, Twickenham.

LOST 
(on way to Twickenham) 
(i) Plan B 
(ii) Graciousness 
(iii) Bottle. 
Please contact : L. Daglalio, C. Woodward. 

MEN CHOKE IN FRONT OF LARGE CROWD 
49,000 spectators watched helplessly yesterday as 15 sportsmen choked in front of them, apparently after being force-fed a large slice of humble pie. A doctor attending the scene said that the men had a medical history of this sort of thing: apparently it also happened in 2000 in Edinburgh, Wembley in 1999 and Landsdowne in 2001.

IN MEMORIAM 
Slam, G : passed away, 7th Feb 2004. 
Sorely missed by Clive and the boys.


----------



## Alf

Ooo, cruel...

I suppose we'll have to comfort ourselves with England winning the Hong Kong Rugby Sevens - *again* 8) :wink:


----------



## Anonymous

Dear New South African Comrades,

We all know that it is a sin for a Taliban male to see any woman naked other than his wife, and that he must commit suicide if he does. So, this Saturday at 4:00 pm all women living in South Africa are asked to walk out of their houses, completely naked, to help weed out any neighbourhood terrorists.

Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort. All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their houses to prove they are not Taliban, and to demonstrate that they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wives and to show support for all South African women. And since the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack of castle at your side would be a further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.

The South African Government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.

God Bless South Africa!

IT IS YOUR PATRIOTIC DUTY !


----------



## Anonymous

For all those men who believe that there's no reason to buy the cow when you can get the milk free ... Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, as they have wised up to the fact that for 8 oz. of sausage it's not worth buying the entire pig!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool. He walks up behind her and says, "Hi there, good looking, how's it going?" 

Having already had a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen! I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, front door, back door, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat ass love it." 

Eyes now wide with interest he says, "No kidding, I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?" 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"

The agent replies, "Just a minute..."

"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered. 

"What did he say," asked the nurse.

"OOPS!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation.

He said, "I did that by accident."

She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."

He replied, "How did you know?"

She said, "Because you didn't say "*******!" afterwards

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One of our local rednecks, Billy Joe Bob, while a total silly person, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to him for paintings.

One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo. She asked Billy Joe Bob if he could paint her in the nude.
This was the first time anyone had made this request. The beautiful lady said money was no object, she was willing to pay $50,000.

Not willing to get into trouble with his wife, Billy Joe Bob asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with his wife.

In a few minutes he returned and told the lady he was willing to do it. However, he would have to leave his socks on so he would have some place to wipe his brushes.....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A blonde was driving home after work, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

Her roommate rolled her eyes and said... "HELLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOO ...You gotta roll up the windows!


----------



## Anonymous

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa and takes her faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and, before long, discovers that he is lost. 



Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he notices some bones on the ground nearby, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.



Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here." Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride and a look of terror comes over him. The leopard slinks away into the trees and says to himself, "Whew! That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."



Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection, so he takes off after the leopard. But the dachshund sees him heading after the cat and figures something must be up.



The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of, and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."



The dachshund sees the leopard coming toward him, with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" Instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet. Just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says, "Where's that f**king monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

REMEMBER: IF YOU CAN'T DAZZLE THEM WITH BRILLIANCE, BAFFLE THEM WITH BULLSHIT


----------



## Jaco

On the first day God created the cow. God said, “You must go to field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years.” The cow said, “That’s a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I’ll give back the other forty.” And God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years.”
The dog said, “That’s too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I’ll give back the other ten.”
So God agreed (sigh).
On the third day God created the monkey. God said, entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I’ll give you a twenty year life span.” Monkey said, “How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don’t think so.
Dog gave you back ten, so that’s what I’ll do too, okay?”
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day God created man. God said, “Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I’ll give you twenty years.” Man said, “What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I’ll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?” “Okay,” said God. “You’ve got a deal.”
So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.


----------



## Adam

NEW RULING BY DVLA 
In order to assist other motorists in identifying potentially dangerous 
drivers, it's now compulsory for anyone with a lower than average IQ and 
driving ability to display a warning flag. 
The flag (comprising of a red cross on a white background) will be attached 
to the top of at least one door of their vehicle. 
For drivers of exceptionally low ability, additional flags are required.


----------



## Jaco

A man starts work at a zoo. The first day he's given three tasks. The first one is to clean out the fish pond. He starts cleaning away all the weed with a rake when all of a sudden two big fish jump out of the water at him. He swings round and hits them both with the rake killing them . Oh hell he thinks, that'll be the end of this job, killing their prize specimens but then he has a brilliant idea. He picks them up and carts them down to the lion's den and throws them in. Next job is to clean out the chimps cage. Happily working away with his spade when two chimps jump on him and start biting and scratching, he swings around with his spade and kills them both. Another trip down to the lion's cage. Last task of a busy day collecting honey from bee hives. Collecting merrily away when a swarm of bees attack him. Getting used to it by now lays about with spade and kills dozens of them. Another trip to the lion's cage and off home he goes. Next day a new lion comes into the cage has a little wander round and says to one of the old lions "whats the food like in here? the old lion replies " Brilliant Yesterday we had fish, chimps and mushy bees!


----------



## Anonymous

Subject: Bloody Donkey!


One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. 
At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. 
He would shake it off and take a step up

As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! 
Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.

4. Give more.

5. Expect less


 NOW --------

Enough of that rubbish .

The donkey later came back and bit the dung out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.


----------



## DaveL

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. 

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" 

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."



A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." 

"Yes," the class said. 

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" 

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty." 




The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic Primary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." 

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note: "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."


Not bad for old ones :lol:


----------



## johnjin

Thanks Dave
I love these ones about the kids

All the best

John


----------



## thomaskennedy

ok ok, one from me, quite old but funney nevertheless!!

There was a Nun and a Mother Superior walking down the street and there was a large group of youths pointing and laughing at them.

The Nun turned to the Mother Superior and said, "Those children are mocking me, whatever shall i do"

The Mother superior replied "Show them your cross my dear"

So the nun shouted "F*** off you little B*****ds"

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: ohh, you cant beat them 

Tom


----------



## Guest

A novice nun is sent to the local village for some supplies.On the way back she has a dalliance with a farm boy.Realising she may be found out she rushes to tell the Mother Superior that she has been raped.
"What should I do? "she pleads of the Mother."Go down to the kitchen an get a lemon,cut it in two and suck each half dry"Will I then be absolved?"
asked the novice. "No"snapped the Mother "But it will wipe that smile off your face.


----------



## Guest

This isn't a joke, it happened to some friends of ours
The friends took their children to see a panto at the local village hall.The panto was Peter Pan.At one point Captain hook caught one of the "Lost boys" and turned to the audience to ask what he should do with the brat.
Quick as a flash the four year old son of our friends called out "Cut his willy off. The cast had difficulty saying their lines after that.


----------



## johnjin

A group of Co-workers is standing around the
office of their lawfirm. The main discussion
was Bill. 

Bill was an upbeat guy, always replying to any
situation "It could of been worse". They came 
up with a brillant idea. They were to make up a 
situation so bad even Bill can't find the better
side of it. 

The next day Bill was approached by his 
co-workers. One of them started describing the
plot. 

It started out with "Hey Bill, did you hear about
Frank". 

Bill, not knowing what was going on replied no. 
Another worker continued. "When he got home last
night he caught his wife in bed with another man.
He went to his closet, grabbed his shotgun, shot 
his wife, shot the man, then turned the gun on 
himself, now they're all dead. 

Bill smiled and replied "It could have been 
worse". 

One of the workers piped up "How could it be
worse"? 

Bill said "Two nights earlier and I'd be dead!" 



John


----------



## johnjin

A lady doing laundry discovered that the dryer
stopped getting hot. "Hey honey" she called to
her husband. "The dryer's broke.. can you fix 
it?" "Who do I look like, the Kenmore repairman?"

A few days later the dishwasher broke. "Honey,
the dishwasher broke. Can you fix it?" "Who do I
look like, the Maytag man?" grumbled her husband.

A few days later the oven broke. "Hey honey...I
can't fix dinner... the oven broke. Can you fix
it?" "Who do I look like... an oven repair man?"

A few weeks later the husband said to his wife, 
"Hey honey. I noticed you got all that stuff 
around the house fixed. How much did it cost?"

"Well" the wife replied, "You know Mick next 
door. Well, he agreed to do all the repairs for
free if I'd sleep with him or bake him a cake." 

"What kind of cake did you make him?"
"Who do I look like, Betty Crocker?" 



John


----------



## johnjin

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he
went to the market looking for a rooster. He was
hoping he could get a special rooster - one that
could service all of his many hens and when he
told this to the market vendor, the vendor
replied: "I have just the rooster for you".
Randy here is the horniest rooster you will ever
see!"

So the farmer took Randy back to the farm. Before
setting him loose in the henhouse though, he gave
Randy a little pep talk. "Randy", he said,"I'm
counting on you to do your stuff". And without a
word, he strutted into the henhouse.

Randy was as fast as he was furious, mounting each
hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking
and many feathers flying, till Randy had finished
having his way with each hen.

But Randy didn't stop there, he went in to the
barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and
still at the same frantic pace.

Then he went to the pighouse, where he did the
same. The farmer, watching all of this with
disbelief, cried out "Stop, Randy, you'll kill
yourself". But Randy continued, seeking out each
farm animal in the same manner.

Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and
saw Randy lying there on his lawn. His legs were
up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long
tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling
above Randy.

The farmer walked up to Randy saying "Oh you poor
thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed
yourself. I warned you my little buddy". "Shhhhh"
Randy whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer"


John


----------



## StevieB

Firstly a bash at men, further down a bash at women :lol: 

Classes for men at a local learning centre for adults 

Note: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of 8 participants each.

Topic 1: How to Fill Up the Ice Cube Trays.
Step by step, with slide presentation.

Topic 2: The Toilet Roll: Do they grow on the holders?
Round table discussion.

Topic 3: Is It Possible To Urinate Using the Technique of Lifting the Seat Up and Avoiding the Floor/Walls and Nearby Bathtub?
Group Practice.

Topic 4: Fundamental Differences Between the Laundry Hamper and the Floor. 
Pictures and explanatory graphics.

Topic 5: The After Dinner Dishes and Silverware. Can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink? Examples on video.

Topic 6: Loss of Identity - Losing the Remote to Your Significant Other.
Helpline Support and Support Groups.

Topic 7: Learning How to Find Things - Starting with: Looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming.
Open Forum

Topic 8: Health Watch - Bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health.
Graphics and Audio tape.

Topic 9: Real Men Ask for Directions When Lost.
Real life testimonials.

Topic 10: Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly As She Parallel Parks? 
Driving simulation.

Topic 11: Learning To Live - Basic differences between mother and wife.
Online class and role-playing.

Topic 12: How To Be the Ideal Shopping Companion. 
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

Topic 13: How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy - Remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates, also includes: Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Group discussion.

And now for the bash at women...

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never 
be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to 
the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me . . ."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the 
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.

I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:
I don't like to interrupt her.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 
90%.
It is called Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and 
rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, 
"I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I 
wish I had your willpower."

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man 
doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: "That happens in every 
country, son."

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted." The next 
day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can 
have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's
birthday is to forget it, once.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a 
bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.


Ah, equality :wink:


----------



## Alf

Equality?! I make that 21 women "bashes" as against 13 male. Sheesh, I thought men were supposed to be better at numbers...? :roll: 

Cheers, Alf


----------



## Adam

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.

A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.


PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.


----------



## Adam

Adults only, but quite comedy..

try this. It's more difficult than you'd think!

http://www.dogtoyormaritalaid.com/index.php


----------



## Adam

American Joke so can't be centigrade:

+40 DEGREES
-- Californians shiver uncontrollably.
-- People in Scotland sunbathe.

+35 DEGREES
-- Italian cars won't start.
-- People in Scotland drive with the windows down.

+20 DEGREES
-- Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wool hats.
-- People in Scotland throw on a T-shirt.

+15 DEGREES
-- Californians begin to evacuate the state.
-- People in Scotland go swimming in the sea.

0 DEGREES
-- New York landlords turn the heat on.
-- People in Scotland have a last barby before it gets cold.

MINUS 10 DEGREES
-- People in Miami are extinct.
-- People in Scotland lick flagpoles.

MINUS 20 DEGREES
-- Californians all now live in Mexico.
-- People in Scotland throw on a light jacket.

MINUS 80 DEGREES
-- Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic.
-- Scottish Boy Scouts postpone winter survival exercise until it gets cold
enough.

MINUS 100 DEGREES
-- Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
-- People in Scotland wear a vest and pull down their ear flaps.

MINUS 173 DEGREES
-- Ethyl alcohol freezes.
-- People in Scotland are angry 'cos they can't thaw their whiskey kegs.

MINUS 297 DEGREES
-- Microbial life starts to grind to a halt.
-- Scottish cows complain of farmers with cold hands.

MINUS 460 DEGREES
-- ALL atomic motion stops.
-- People in Scotland start saying " A bit chilly...eh?"

MINUS 500 DEGREES
-- Hell freezes over.
-- Scottish people support England in the European Championship.


----------



## Adam

A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. 
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two retired and fell asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. 
At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, 
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." 
"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." 
"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims. 
"Good," she replies. "Get your own f...ing blanket. 
After a moment of silence, he farted.


----------



## Adam

An Australian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe, when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him. 
The Australian politely ignored the American who, nevertheless, started up a conversation. 
The American snapped the gum in his mouth and said, "Do you Australian folks eat the whole loaf? " The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "yeah, of course". 
The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia. " 
The American had a smirk on his face, the Australian listened in silence. The American persisted, "D'ya eat jam with the bread? 
"Sighing, the Australian replied "yes. " Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "we don't. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, we put all the peels, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell it to Australia. 
The Australian then asked, "do you have sex in the States? " 
The American smiled and said "yeah, of course we do. " 
The Australian leant closer to him and asked, "what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?" 
"We throw them away of course" replied the American. 
Now it was the Australian's turn to smile. 
"We don't. In Australia, we put them in containers, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to The United States, that's why its called Wrigley's


----------



## Jaco

I did some research...............


A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
A “jiffy” is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A snail can sleep for three years.
Al Capone’s business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
Babies are born without kneecaps. They don’t appear until the
child
reaches
2 to 6 years of age.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.
“Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters “mt”.
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a
full
moon.
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the
line
would
never end because of the rate of reproduction.


If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend
an
average of 6 months waiting at red lights.
It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver,
or
purple.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and
ears
never
stop growing.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
“Stewardesses” is the longest word typed with only the left hand
and
“lollipop” with your right.
The average person’s left hand does 56% of the typing.
The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of
diesel
that
it burns.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar
tube
and
a
chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
The sentence: “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog” uses
every
letter of the alphabet.
The words ‘racecar,’ ‘kayak’ and ‘level’ are the same whether they
are
read
left to right or right to left (palindromes).


There are more chickens than people in the world.
There are only four words in the English language which end in
“dous”:
tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous


There are two words in the English language that have all five
vowels in
order: “abstemious” and “facetious.”
There’s no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters
only
on
one row of the keyboard.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies’ room during a dance.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks;
otherwise
it will digest itself.

....................Now you know everything!


----------



## Jaco

Manure:

In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by 
ship, and it was also before commercial fertilizer’s invention, so 
large shipments of manure were common. It was shipped dry, because 
in dry
form
it
weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it
not
only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of 
which a by product is methane gas.



As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what
could
(and
did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first
time
someone came below at night with a lantern, KABOOOOM! Several ships
were
destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was 
happening.



After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term 
“Ship High In Transport” on them which meant for the sailors to stow 
it
high
enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold 
would
not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.



Thus evolved the term “S.H.I.T “ (Ship High In Transport), which has 
come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.



-You probably did not know the true history of this word.-


----------



## woodshavings

From www.woodworkforums.ubeaut.com.au

An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He
walks into a bar and Jill (the Australian Barmaid) takes his order,
Fosters, and notices his accent. Over the course of the night they get to know each other quite well. At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have sex with him. 

Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to
pay her $200 for sex. Jill is travelling the world and because she is short
of funds she agrees. 

The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after
showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will
sleep with him again for $200. Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree. 

This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in,
orders Fosters and sits in the corner. 

Jill thinks that may be she should pay him more attention and maybe she can shake some more cash out of him again. So she goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her Melbourne.

"So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?" 
"Glen Iris" he replies 
"That's amazing..." she says, "...so am I - what Street?" 
"Cameo Street" he replies. 
"This is unbelievable..." she says,"...what number?" 
He says "Number 20" and she is totally astonished. 
"You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 22 and
my parents still live there!" 
"I know..." he says, "...your Father gave me $1,000 to give to
you" 

...THINKS AUSTRALIAN


----------



## thomaskennedy

How do you turn your dishwasher into a snowplough???















Give Her a Shovel! :lol: :lol: 


Ta

Tom


----------



## Adam

Prison Carpenter 
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. 
After 3 years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community, and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. 

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, ''Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place.''


----------



## Steve Maskery

A man woke up to a loud knocking on his front door. Upon opening it he finds a man standing in his porch.
"Will you give me a push?", asks the man.
"What? No! It's 3 o'clock in the morning! Go away!" I paraphrase.
"Who was that darling?", asks his wife, as he crawls back into bed.
"Some bloke wanting a push at 3 o'clock in the morning. I told him to get lost"
"Oh you are so hard-hearted! Don't you remember when you broke down, you were glad of a push. Go and help him."
So, muttering and grumbling under his breath, he puts on his shoes and coat and open the front door. All is dark outside and he can't see anything.
"Hello!", he calls out.
"Hello!" comes a faint reply.
"Are you still there?"
"Yes".
"Do you still want a push?"
"Yes please"
"OK, Where are you?"
"Over here, on the swing!"

Ho, ho, ho.


----------



## Drew

God had just about finished creating man, but he had two things left over in 
his bag and he couldn't quite decide how to split them between Adam and 
Eve, so he thought he would just ask them.
He told them one of the things that he had left was a thing that would allow
the owner to pee while standing up.
"It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either 
one of you had a preference for it."
Well, Adam jumped up and down, pleaded and begged for it.
"Oh, please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems like 
just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to 
me!" On and on he went like an excited little boy. Eve just smiled and 
told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it.
So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee while standing up.
Adam was so excited he just started peeing all over the place.
First on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, then he
tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away, all the time - laughing
with delight. All the time, God and Eve watched him with amusement and
then God said to Eve, "Well, I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing
I have left.
"What's it called?" asked Eve.
"Brains", said God


----------



## Anonymous

OK, certainly not very PC, and very old, but it made me laugh when I was about 12!

Did you hear about the Biafran who fell into a pool of crocodiles?

He ate three before they could pull him out!


----------



## Adam

**************************

A RECENT survey of Premiership footballers asked if they would sleep with Jordan. 

Eighty-six per cent replied: “Never again.” 

**************************

JORDAN phones the doctor late one night. “Doctor,” she says in a panic, “you’ve got to come over. Peter’s just swallowed a condom.” 
The doctor rushes to get his things together when the phone rings again. It’s Jordan again.

“Don’t worry, Doc, there’s no need to come round,” she says. “We’ve found another one.” 

**************************

A POLICEMAN pulls over a flash car for speeding. The girl driving has huge, pouting lips and massive breasts. 

“Can I see your driving licence please?” he asks. 

“Certainly officer,” says the girl, seductively. 

The policeman walks to his car and passes the info to his control room. 

“Look, mate,” comes a voice over the radio, “that’s Jordan. She’s thick as two short planks. What you should do is go over to her and drop your trousers.” 

“What?” asks the policeman, shocked. 

“Trust me,” says the voice. 

So the policeman goes back to the car and drops his trousers. 

“Oh no,” says Jordan, groaning. “Not another breathalyser test!” 

**************************


“PETER, Peter,” cries Jordan.

“I’ve finished my jigsaw, it only took me three weeks!” “Why are you so excited?” he says.

Jordan replies: “The box says two to four years.” 

**************************

DAVID BECKHAM is chatting to his best friend Gary Neville about the merits or otherwise of Jordan. “Come on,” says Gary.

“Take away the huge breasts, the fantastic figure, the gorgeous, pouting lips and those flirtatious eyes and what have you got?” 

David looks a bit wistful. “My wife,” he replies. 

**************************

JORDAN enters a swimming gala. Lining up for the breaststroke she eyes up her competitors and feels confident she will give them a run for their money. 

The starting gun sounds. Twenty seconds later the winner emerges from the pool, followed swiftly by the girls in second and third. 

Poor Jordan takes 20 minutes to complete the race. As the judge hands her the wooden spoon, she whispers: “I don’t want to be a bad loser or anything — but I’m sure those other girls used their arms.” 

************************** 

WHAT'S the first thing Jordan does in the morning? 

Introduces herself.

**************************

WHAT does Jordan do when her bank account stops working? 

She ditches him.

**************************

A MAN goes to confession. “Father,” he says, “I’m happily married with three children. Last night, I made love to Jordan — not once, not twice but three times.

“She dressed up as a nurse, a traffic warden and a schoolgirl and fulfilled every sordid fantasy of mine.”

“I see,” says the priest. “And when did you last come to confession?”

“Come to confession? I’ve never come to confession before. I’m not Catholic.”

“Not Catholic?” retorts the priest. “Then why are you telling me this?”

“I’m telling everyone.” says the bloke. 

WHY does Jordan take the Pill? 

So that she can keep track of what day of the week it is. 

**************************

JORDAN is sitting on a plane next to a nun. The air hostess offers the busty model a drink and she gratefully accepts a glass of champagne. 

The air hostess turns to the nun and says: “Would you like a drink?”

“Certainly not,” replies the nun.

“I would rather be ravaged by a heathen than let alcohol pass my lips.”

Jordan hands her drink back to the air hostess and says: “Sorry, I didn’t realise there was a choice.”


************************** 

WHAT do Jordan and prawns have in common? 

Their heads are full of rubbish — but the pink bits are nice.

**************************

WHY does Jordan drive a convertible? 

More leg room. 

**************************

WHY did Jordan spend so much time staring at her glass of orange juice? 
It said “concentrate” on the carton.


----------



## blurk99

Passengers on a small commuter service are waiting for the flight to leave.
The entrance opens and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots'uniforms--both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide-dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin as the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves and taxis down the runway. People at the windows begin to realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport tarmac. As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.....but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says,
"You know Bob..... one of these days, they're gonna scream too late, and we're all gonna die. . .."


----------



## frank

betty says to joe you havent said a word to me all week ,joe replies well i thought it was bad manners to interupt  

a couple have been married for over 40 years and every year he buys her something special ,so he thinks i will buy her a little plot of land in the local church yard ,she was over the moon with her present .the next year she gets nothing so she asked him why havent you got me anything for my birthday ,he replies well you didn't use the present i got you last year .


----------



## Steve Maskery

A man walks into a pub. He has his head bandaged, arm in a sling, tubes coming out of his neck and is walking around connected to a drip trolley.
"I'll have a double scotch please", says the man.
"Are you sure?", asks the surprised barman.
"Yes".
And he knocks it back in one.
"Ooh that was good, I'll have another".
The barman raises an eyebrow, but serves him, and again he knocks it back in one.
"Same again, please".
The barman serves him, and after downing it like the first two, the man says, "You know, I really shouldn't be drinking whisky with what I've got".
"Really?", asks the barman, not the least bit surprised. "And what _have_ you got?"
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
"Thirty seven pence".

Boom, boom.


----------



## frank

three pregnant women talking the first one says we done it missonary style and i'm having a girl ,the second one say i was on top and i'm having a boy ,the third one says oh dear i must be having pups .


----------



## Anonymous

OLD CHRISTMAS JOKE:
A woman goes into a record shop and says to the bloke behind the counter 'have you got jingle bells on seven inch?'

'Nope', he says, 'but i do have dangling balls on a twelve incher'

'Thats not a record!' she replies.

'Well' he answered, ' it's not far short!'  


eh? come on, be fair, you don't get gems like this in a cracker!


----------



## Taffy Turner

Puts hand over eyes and ducks under desk before Alf sees the previous post...... :shock: :shock: :shock:


----------



## Alf

Taffy Turner":pyaolyjo said:


> Puts hand over eyes and ducks under desk before Alf sees the previous post...... :shock: :shock: :shock:


If I started worrying about what gets posted in _this_ thread I'd never get anything else done.




However, just to show I'm paying attention:

<sigh>

Cheers, Alf


----------



## frank

whats the difference between a man spending a £1 on a lottery ticket and a man having an argument with his wife .

the man with the lottery ticket has more chance of winning . boom boom


----------



## Jaco

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they 
> > decided it might be time for marriage. But before tying the knot, 
> > they went out for a heart to heart talk over dinner about whether 
> > it would really work out.
> >
> > They discussed finances, living arrangements, snoring, and so on. 
> > Finally, the gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of 
> > their physical relationship.
> >
> > "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly. "Well," 
> > she said, responding very carefully,
> >
> > "I'd have to say that I would like it infrequently."
> >
> > The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then looking over his 
> > glasses, he casually asked, "Was that one word or two?"


----------



## Jaco

The Bank wishes to inform all its clients that we are installing new "Drive-thru" ATM machines, where you will be able to withdraw money without leaving your vehicle. Please follow the instructions that apply to you: 


For our MALE customers: 
1. Drive up to the ATM machine 
2. Open your car window 
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN 
4. Enter amount of cash required 
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt 
6. Close window 
7. Drive off 

For our FEMALE customers: 

1. Drive up to ATM machine 
2. Reverse the required amount to align car window with machine 
3. Restart stalled engine 
4. Open the car window 
5. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card . 
6.Turn the radio down 
7. Attempt to insert card into machine 
8. Open car door to allow easier access to ATM machine, due to its excessive distance from car 
9. Insert card 
10. After "Invalid card" is displayed, remove the Edgars credit card and insert correct ATM card 
11. Remove ATM card 
12. Re-insert card right way up 
13. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page 
14. Enter PIN 
15. Press "cancel" and re-enter correct PIN 
16. Enter amount of cash required 
17. Check make-up in rearview mirror 
18. Retrieve card 
19. Empty handbag again to locate card holder and place card inside 
20. Place receipt in back of cheque book 
21. Re-check make-up 
22. Drive forward 2 metres 
23. Reverse back to ATM machine 
24. Retrieve cash 
25. Re-empty handbag, locate purse and place cash inside 
26. Restart stalled engine and pull off 
27. Drive for 2 to 3 kilometres 
28. Release handbrake


----------



## Jaco

1 st Shade: 

A married couple was asleep when the telephone rang at two in the morning. 
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the telephone, listened a moment, 
and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. 

The husband said, "Who was that?" 

The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear'." 



2nd Shade: 

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the pavement and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror, and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." 

She hands it to the second blonde. 

The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!" 



3rd Shade: 

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. 

She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. 

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!" 

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!" 



4th Shade: 

A blonde brags about her knowledge of American state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead; ask me, I know all of them." 

A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" 

The blonde replies, "Oh that's easy -- 'W'." 



5th Shade: 

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? 

"Is it mine?" 



6th Shade: 

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch. "Wow!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was trampled on by an elephant! Are you OK, ma'am?" 

"Why, yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped. 

"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. 

"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road, when from out of nowhere this tree popped up in front of me, so I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was another tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...." 

"Uh, madam," the officer said, cutting her off as he looked inside the car, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles, that was your air-freshener swinging back and forth." 


7th Shade: 

Returning home from work, a blonde was astonished to see that she had been robbed. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at 

the sight of the cop and his dog, and then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"


----------



## Jaco

> A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a 
> show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts 
> going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th 
> row stands on her chair and starts shouting: 
> 
> "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you 
> can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair 
> have to do with her worth as a human being? 
> 
> It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work 
> and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. 
> Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against 
> not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!" 
> 
> The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, 
> 
> "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little sh*t on your 
knee."


----------



## Guest

An old lady takes her even older husband to the doctors.The doctor gives him a thorough examination but can't pin down the problem so he say's"
I'll need samples of your urine,semen and faeces for testing". "What did he say?"the old fellow asks his wife."Just leave a pair of underpants with reception" she snapped at him


----------



## Gill

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't think my pet python weally gives a thit."


----------



## Chris Knight

A Great one Gill! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## Adam

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive", Osama himself decided to send George W a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message: 370HSSV-0773H. Bush was baffled, so he typed it out and emailed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA. No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA And the Secret Service. Eventually they asked Britain's MI6 for help. They cabled the White House: "Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down


----------



## Bean

Ho Ho Ho Ho  Nice one Adam


Bean


----------



## Chris Knight




----------



## Aragorn

LOL
What a find!


----------



## Gill

*Because I'm a guy*, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.

*Because I'm a guy*, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call the RAC until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will open the bonnet and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.

*Because I'm a guy*, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

*Because I'm a guy*, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu." For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

*Because I'm a guy*, when one of our household appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

*Because I'm a guy*, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger--how the heck could HE know where we're going?

*Because I'm a guy*, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.

*Because I'm a guy*, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is ok, I don't need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mum, too?

*Because I'm a guy*, I am capable of announcing, "one more beer and I really have to go," and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my mates and I have to go find another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my mates call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front garden. What's the connection?

*Because I'm a guy*, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

*Because I'm a guy*, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.

*Because I'm a guy*, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?


----------



## Noel

You are so right on the last one Gill-

Cath - you still in the bath?..What do you think of this?
Noel - looks fine.
Cath - You sure? You're just not saying that?
Noel - Looks good, great.
Cath - I'm not sure about the top. What do you think?
Noel - No, I like it.
2 minute later and I've still not finished the page I'm trying to read...
Cath - There, what about this top?
Noel - Great, looks really good.
Cath - So you didn't like the other top.
Noel - No, I just like that one better.
Cath - I'm not sure about it.
Noel - Ok, whatever.
Cath - I'm so fed up not having any clothes
Noel - Hmmm
Cath - Look at the time, get out the bath, we'll be late.
Noel - Plenty of time, calm down
Cath - don't tell me to calm down, I am calm.
So, what about this top?
Noel - Looks well.
Cath - You aren't even looking
Noel - I am. Best top I've seen you in. New is it?
Cath - Was, 5 years ago.
Noel - Right, very nice.
Bit more hot water and a final soak
Cath - What do you think of these boots Do they go with this top?
Noel - Looks fine to me.
Cath - You didn't like these boots when I bought them. Tell me the truth, you just tell me I look good to get rid of me. And what the hell does "fine" and "nice" mean any way? Why can't you just compliment me that I look well instead of having to ask all the time?
Noel gets out of the bath, locks the bathroom door and gets back into the bath.

I'll not go on, you get the picture, which just might be familiar once or twice a month......

Noel, who always has had something urgent to do when clothes shopping is mentioned.....


----------



## Anonymous

Universal Truths

1. Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2. At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3. One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4. You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.

5. Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.

6. Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

7. Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

8. You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

10. Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

11. You never know where to look when eating a banana.

12. Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

13. Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

14. Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

15. You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

16. Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

17. The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.

18. The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

19. Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

20. Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

21. Old women with mobile phones look wrong.

22. Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

23. Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

24. You never ever run out of salt.

25. Old ladies can eat more than you think.

26. You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

27. There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.

28. No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

29. Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

30. The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.

31. People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.

32. You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

33. Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

34. Bricks are horrible to carry.

35. In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

36. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.


----------



## Bean

Noel, Hermes so true so true except it was a pig in our school.


Bean


----------



## Gill

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into he deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with the belt of his robe right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?" 







A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, “You know, a mug goes flat; after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.”

The cowgirl replies, ”Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in Arkansas we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself.”

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”

The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs.

“Oh, no, everybody's just fine”, she explains. “It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my sisters, though.”


----------



## dedee

There was an architect on our street who had his house made backwards so that he could watch television.

Andy


----------



## Anonymous

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights.

One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer.
Another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show
and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly
arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, .

"That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'."


----------



## mudman

An ice cream vendor has been found dead, covered in strawberry sauce....


Police believe he topped himself.


I'll get me coat.


----------



## Noel

A ship carrying red paint crashed into a ship carrying blue paint. All the crew were marooned......

Think I'll keep the day job..........

Noel, father of a 10 year old comedian


----------



## norman

WARNING 

This new scam is being pulled mainly on older men. 

What happens is that when you stop for a red light a young, nude woman comes up and pretends to be washing your windshield. 

While she is doing this another person opens your back door and steals anything in the car. 

They are very good at this. 



They got me 7 times last Friday and 5 times Saturday. I wasn't able to find them on Sunday. 


found on web
norman


----------



## RogerS

My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. 

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. 

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There is water in the carburetor." I asked her , "Where's the car?" She replied,"In the lake." 

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. 

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice." 

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. 

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to Interrupt her.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I now have two girlfriends. 

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did. 

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished. 

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying." 

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a Man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son. 

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late. 

A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same : "You can have mine." 

A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. "A billionaire." she replied.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. 

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer. 

Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible. 

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. 

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man. 

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, but his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets. The man thinks for a moment and says,"Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead." 

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery. 

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. 

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive.


----------



## Jaco

Dear Dr Paul

I need some advice.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been having an affair. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them". I always look out for her taxi coming home but she always walks down the drive although I can hear a car setting off. As if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi? I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife, but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her.

I decided I was going to hide behind my car which would give me a view of the whole street so I could see which car she gets out of. It was whilst crouched behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch.

Should I take it into a body repair shop or should I buy some stuff from Mica and try to repair it myself?

Help please,

Martin.


----------



## Jaco

A Tribute To Mothers 



This is for all the mothers who NEVER won "Mother of the Year," and all those to busy being a mother to care. 

This is for all the mothers who freeze their you know what on metal bleachers instead of watching from cars, so that when their kids ask, "Did you see my goal?" they can say, "Of course, I wouldn't have missed it for the world." 

This is for every mother who ever sat up all night with a sick toddler in her arms, wiping the child at both ends, while saying, "It's okay honey, Mommy's here." 

This is for all the mothers of the victims of our nation's school shootings, and the mothers of the murderers. For the mothers of the survivors, and the mothers who sat in front of their TVs in horror, hugging their child who just came home from school, safely. 

It's for all the mothers who run carpools and bake cookies and sew Halloween costumes. AND, it's for all the mothers who DON'T. 

What makes a good mother anyway? Is it patience? Compassion? Broad hips? The ability to nurse, cook dinner and sew on a button all at the same time? Or is it heart? Is it the ache you feel when you watch your child disappear down the street, walking to school alone for the first time? Is it the need to flee from wherever you are and hug your child when you hear news of a school-shooting, a fire, a car accident, a baby dying? I think so. 

This is for all the mothers who sat down with their children and explained all about making babies. And for all the mothers who wanted to but just couldn't. 

This is for reading "Goodnight, Moon" twice a night for a year. And then reading it again. "Just one more time." 

This is for all the mothers who mess up. Those who yell at their kids in the grocery store and swat them in despair and stomp their feet like tired three-year-olds who want ice cream before dinner. 

This is for all the mothers who taught their children to tie shoelaces before they started school. And for all the mothers who opted for Velcro instead. 

It's for all the mothers who bite their lips until they bleed-- when their 14 year-olds dye their hair green, pierce body parts and ask for contraceptives. 



This is for all the mothers who lock themselves in the bathroom when babies keep crying and won't stop. 

This is for all the mothers who show up at work with spit-up in their hair and milk stains on their blouses and diapers in their purses. 

This is for all the mothers who teach their sons to cook and their daughters to sink a jump-shot. 

This is for all mothers whose heads turn automatically when a little voice calls "Mom?" in a crowd, even though they know their own offspring are not with them. 

This is for mothers who put pinwheels and teddy bears on their children's graves. 

This is for mothers whose children have gone astray, and who can't find the words to reach them. 

This is for mothers stumbling through diaper changes and sleep deprivation. And mothers learning to let go. For working mothers and stay-at-home mothers. Single mothers and married mothers. Mothers with money, mothers without. 

This is for the mothers who gave birth to babies they'll never see. And the mothers who took those babies and gave them homes. 




THANK YOU MOTHERS, wherever you may be. This is for you all.


----------



## DaveL

See how many you can do!


1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples' trolley when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in houseware to go off at 5 minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor to the toilet.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "Code 10 at Pharmacy" ... and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on hold.

6. Move a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the houseware and tell other shoppers you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When an assistant asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

10. While handling knives in the kitchen ware department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from Mission Impossible.

12. In the car accessory department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.

13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through shout, "PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the foetal position and scream, "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"

15. Go into a fitting room and yell real loudly...."Hey! We're out of toilet paper in here!"


----------



## trevtheturner

Davel,

ROTFL :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: 

Trev.


----------



## RogerS

Just try finding links that tell you how to create a list of FAQs on a webpage. This time the joke was on me!


----------



## RogerS

Contrary to popular doctrine, Heaven and hell are actually on the same level and separated by a fence. As luck would have it the posts are on the Devil's side, which as we all know means that he's responsible for the upkeep.

And being the Devil he's not really bothered and so the fence gets more and more dilapidated, much to God's annoyance until one day, in exasperation, God goes over to the fence and says to the Devil "Oy ..you..when are you going to fix this fence? It's getting worse and worse, day by day and sometime soon one of my Angels are going to hurt themselves. Unless you fix that fence I'm going to get my solicitor onto you."

The devil looks at God with a bemused expression and after a few minutes replies "Where are you going to get a solicitor from?"


----------



## Gill

A woman was out shopping and her son was with her. The boy spotted a man who was bowlegged. The boy pulled on Mum's hand and said, " Mum, look at the bowlegged man."

Mum was mortified and told her son that it was not polite to point to a person and make that sort of comment. For punishment, the boy had to read a play by Shakespeare. He couldn't go out again until he finished reading the play. Finally he finished and his mum took him out again. Once again he spied a bowlegged man, but remembered what happened the last time.

So he pulled on his mother's hand and said, "Lo, what manner of men are these, who wear their balls in parentheses?"


----------



## Drew

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and still heavily sedated from a four-hour operation.

A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet. 

"Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" 

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I am only here to wash your hands and feet."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" 

Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and says, "There is nothing wrong with them!"

The man carefully removes his oxygen mask and says very slowly, "That was very, very nice but listen very, very closely - Are...my...test...results...back?"


----------



## Bean

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the
middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right
in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and
gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees the man crying on
the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and
killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a
spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the
contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down
the road.
Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops
down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet,
turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he
hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is
in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says...

Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."


Bean


----------



## Gill

"Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike tells Jack. "There's a diagnostic computer at Asda. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five pounds.....a lot quicker and better than a doctor".

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Asda. 

He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks".

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure Jack hurried back to Asda, eager to check what would happen.

He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3.Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4.Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better..........thank you for shopping at Asda.


----------



## Steve Maskery

Bean":1971xio4 said:


> Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave



Bean, that is TERRIBLE!

S


----------



## Gill

Before an England vs Scotland friendly, Wayne Rooney goes into the England changing room only to find all his team-mates looking a bit glum.

"What's the matter lads?" he asks.

"We're having trouble getting motivated for this game" replies Becks.

"We know we're playing for national pride but it's only Scotland. We can't really be all that bothered!"

Rooney looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat them single-handed. You lads have the afternoon off and watch from the pub."

So Rooney goes out to play Scotland all by himself and the rest of the squad nip off to the pub for a few drinks.

After a few jars they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to switch on the TV.

A big cheer goes up as the screen reads: England 1 -- Scotland 0 (Rooney 10 mins)

A few more pints of beer later,and Ashley Cole shouts, "It must be full time now, lets see how he got on"

They look up at the TV and see "England 1 (Rooney 10 mins)-- Scotland 1 (Ferguson 89mins)"

The England team can't believe it - Rooney has managed a draw against the whole Scotland team!

They all rush back to the stadium to congratulate him, but find him in the dressing room, sobbing, with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them.

'I've let you down lads'. says Rooney

"Don't be daft!" says Becks, "You got a draw against Scotland all by yourself, and they only scored in the 89th minute!"

"No, no I HAVE let you down," insists Rooney......



"I got sent off in the 12th minute."


----------



## Argee

I ploughed through all ten pages and didn't see this included, so here goes:

Pete has been fishing, in a small boat on Loch Lomond, all day. Not a bite, not a touch, a complete blank. Once and for all deciding that he’d had enough, he begins to reel in for the last time when “bang” and he’s into a really good fish. After a couple of minutes, the fish breaks the surface, rearing right out on its tail. It had a very deep red colour to it and Pete is mystified.

After a thirty-minute fight, the fish is exhausted and ready for the net. As Pete heaves it up over the rear of the boat, the fish gives him a big wink and says “Don’t be frightened. I saw that you’d had a bad day and I thought that if I gave you some decent sport, you wouldn’t bang me on the head, but would put me gently back.” Amazed though he his, Pete agrees, saying “I’ve seen loads of fish, but never one your colour – I thought that you were a salmon, but you’re red.” The fish replies “I am indeed a salmon and because of my unusual pigment, everyone I know calls me Rusty. What’s your name?” Pete introduces himself, as he prepares to return the fish to the water. 

“What are you doing tomorrow, Pete?” asks the fish. “Working, I’m afraid, why?” The fish says “Well, I’ve just about had it with this Loch – I’ve been up and down it, side to side, diagonally, every flippin’ way. I was wondering if you’d put me out to sea if you can find the time?” Pete replies “You’re in luck. I’m just moving offices and I’ve got one of those pink crates still in my car. I’ll nip and get that and fill it with water, then I’ll drive you to the coast on my way home, OK?” This is what happens, Pete releases the salmon into the sea and drives off home amazed, but quite pleased with himself for acting so humanely.

Years pass, Pete is promoted and moves to North Cornwall. He decides to try his hand at sea fishing and has a really miserable blank day. Reeling in to go home, he gets a mighty take and “bang” – off goes a really good fish. A couple of minutes pass and the fish jumps – a reddish-coloured blur. 

After another brilliant twenty minutes of fighting, the fish is ready to be landed, as it goes into the net it gives Pete a great big wink. “Rusty, is that you?!” cries Pete. “Pete!” replies the fish, “what are the chances, it’s been years – what have you been up to?” Pete gave a resume of the past ten years or so, then says “What about you, Rusty?”

“Well,” replied the fish, “after you released me, I popped across to the Caribbean and spent the summer with some dolphin friends. Then I went up the Eastern seaboard and had a look at New York harbour, but it was full of Coke cans and condoms, so I carried on North, intending to ride the Gulf Stream back here. I don’t know whether this ever happened to you while you were swimming, but I suddenly felt very hot and began to perspire, so I went a lot deeper and, much to my amazement, I came upon the wreck of the Titanic.” Pete was both impressed and amazed and sought further details. “Oh, it was great,” said the fish. “I swam through the great dining room and could imagine the waiters in their long pure white aprons, holding their silver trays aloft as they weaved between the beautifully-dressed diners. The gleaming linen tablecloths, the silverware, the floral table centres, the small orchestra playing quietly on a raised semi-circular dias, across the ballroom floor. I could imagine the vast chandeliers glinting and the romance of the whole occasion. I was there for such a long time, I wrote a poem about it. As a matter of fact, I was so drawn to the place, I kept going back and spent over a year there, in which I wrote a load more poems, enough for an anthology, in fact.”

“You ought to get that published,” said Pete. “I did have it published,” replied the fish, “I’m surprised you haven’t heard of it, it caused quite a stir when it came out.” 

“I can’t think how I missed it,” replied Pete, “what was it called?”

The fish replied “Salmon Rusty’s Titanic Verses.” :? 

Ray.


----------



## froglet

And I though Bean's was the worst joke I had heard for decades :roll:  

Graeme


----------



## trevtheturner

Bean & Ray,

:shock: Terrible, terrible, terrible............ :roll: 
..............and a good laugh! :lol: :lol: 

Trev


----------



## tim

A farmer is sitting in his local bar getting inebriated. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?" 
Farmer: "Some things you just can't explain." 
Man: "So what happened that's so horrible?" 
Farmer: "Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the 
bucket." 
Man: "Okay, but that's not so bad." 
Farmer: "Some things you just can't explain." 
Man: "So what happened then?" 
Farmer: "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left." 
Man: "And then?" 
Farmer: "Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the 
bucket." 
Man: "Again?" 
Farmer: "Some things you just can't explain." 
Man: "So, what did you do then?" 
Farmer: "I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the 
right." 
Man: "And then?" 
Farmer: "Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got 
the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her 
tail." 
Man: "Hmmm..." 
Farmer: "Some things you just can't explain." 
Man: "So, what did you do?" 
Farmer: "Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and 
tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my 
wife walked in....." 


T


----------



## tim

> ////// WORDS OF WISDOM FROM DAVID BRENT \\\\\\
> 
> What does a squirrel do in the summer? It buries nuts. Why? Cos then in
> winter time he's got something to eat and he won't die. So, collecting nuts
> in the summer is worthwhile work. Every task you do at work think, would a
> squirrel do that? Think squirrels. Think nuts.
> 
> When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by
> reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
> 
> Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue
> 
> If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork
> and imagine him in jail.
> 
> If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you
> probably haven't understood the seriousness of the situation.
> 
> Never do today that which will become someone elses responsibility tomorrow.
> 
> You don't have to be mad to work here, in fact we ask you to complete a
> medical questionnaire to ensure that you are not.
> 
> If you treat the people around you with love and respect, they will never
> guess that you're trying to get them sacked.
> 
> If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.
> 
> You have to be 100% behind someone, before you can stab them in the back.
> 
> If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.
> 
> Those of you who think you know everything are annoying to those of us who
> do.
> 
> There's no 'I' in 'team'. But then there's no 'I' in 'useless smug
> colleague', either. And there's four in 'platitude-quoting silly person'. Go
> figure.
> 
> There may be no 'I' in team, but there's a 'ME' if you look hard enough.
> 
> Process and Procedure are the last hiding place of people without the wit
> and wisdom to do their job properly.
> 
> Too much ambition results in promotion to a job you can't do.
> 
> Make good use of your cylindrical filing unit, the one you mainly keep under
> your desk.
> 
> Remember that age and treachery will always triumph over youth
> and ability.
> 
> Quitters never win, winners never quit. But those who never win and never
> quit are idiots.
> 
> If you're gonna be late, then be late and not just 2 minutes - make it an
> hour and enjoy your breakfast.
> 
> Remember the 3 golden rules: 1. It was like that when I got here. 2. I
> didn't do it. 3. (To your Boss) I like your style.
> 
> The office is like an army, and I'm the field general. You're my
> footsoldiers and customer quality is the WAR!!!
> 
> Set out to leave the first vapour trail in the blue-sky scenario.
> 
> Statistics are like a lamp-post to a drunken man - more for leaning on than
> illumination.
> 
> A problem shared is a problem halved, so is your problem really yours or
> just half of someone elses?
> 
> Is your work done? Are all pigs fed, watered and ready to fly?
> 
> You don't have to be mad to work here, but you do have to be on time, well
> presented, a team player, customer service focused and sober.
> 
> I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just
> some b*stard with a torch, bringing me more work.
> 
> Avoid employing unlucky people - throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin
> without reading them.
> 
> Put the key of despair into the lock of apathy. Turn the knob of mediocrity
> slowly and open the gates of despondency - welcome to a day in the average
> office
>


----------



## Anonymous

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: 
Who os David Brent?


----------



## tim

> Who os David Brent?



Not sure if this is a serious question or not but in case it is Tony, may I direct you to the comedy zenith that is The Office.

T


----------



## trevtheturner

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: 

What is The Office?

Trev.


----------



## Adam

> There's a new virus going around. It is called C-Nile. Even
> the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot
> take care of it so be warned. It appears to affect mostly
> those of us who were born before 1960.
>
> Symptoms of C-Nile Virus:
>
> 1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice
> 2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail
> 3. Causes you to send it to the wrong person
> 4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you
> 5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment
> 6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the


----------



## Anonymous

tim":199d5s96 said:


> Who os David Brent?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Not sure if this is a serious question or not but in case it is Tony, may I direct you to the comedy zenith that is The Office.
> 
> T
Click to expand...


T'was a serious question - I had/have no idea who this bloke is

That explains it. I saw 15 minutes of the office once, hated it with a vengeance (too close to many people I have worked with to be funny) and never saw it again


----------



## Bean

Tony you saw it :shock: does that mean radio with pictures has reached Leicestershire :?: 


Bean


----------



## RogerS

Knock...knock

Who's there?


Michael Jackson


Michael Jackson who?


You're on the jury


----------



## Jaco

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington
recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of
12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in
the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their
lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving
dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance
man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them
back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints
were causing a major problem for the cust odian who had to clean
the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she
asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort
was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped
it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since
then, there have been no lip prints on the mirrors.
There are teachers, and then there are educators.


----------



## Jaco

Corporate Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel," After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure. 


Corporate Lesson 2:
A priest offered a lift to a Nun.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity. 


Corporate Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say. 


Corporate Lesson 4:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up. 

Corporate Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to Get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullsh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.


----------



## Jaco

AGE

1975: Long hair 
2005: Longing for hair 

1975: Acid rock 
2005: Acid reflux 

1975: Moving to Cape Town because it's cool 
2005: Moving to Cape Town because it's warm 

1975: Trying to look like Liz Taylor 
2005: Trying NOT to look like Liz Taylor 

1975: Seeds and stems 
2005: Roughage 

1975: Going to a new, hip joint 
2005: Receiving a new hip joint 

1975: Rolling Stones 
2005: Kidney Stones 

1975: Passing the drivers' test 
2005: Passing the vision test 

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly
change things. 

The people who are starting university in February across the nation
were born in 1987. 

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up. 

Their lifetime has always included AIDS. 

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic. 

The CD was introduced the year they were born. 

They have always had an answering machine. 

They have always had M-Net or Sky. 

They cannot fathom not having a remote control. 

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave. 

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are. 

They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is. 

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter. 

Do you feel old yet? 


Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list.


----------



## Argee

I know that the sound file is rather large (4.3Mb), but I found it very amusing! 

http://home.comcast.net/%7Escottruff/voicemail18412.wav

Ray.


----------



## RogerS

Allegedly a true story. Tony Blair while visiting troops in Iraq was approached by a couple of marines who asked him if they could have a photo. Tony replied 'Yes, of course, that's what I'm here for' whereupon they handed the camera to him  :lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## trevtheturner

Brilliant, Ray - that is absolutely hilarious. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Trev.


----------



## Gill

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.
Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."
Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."
Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."

They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.
Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."
Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant. "I am officially the smallest person in the world."
Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and asked, "Who is Camilla Parker Bowles?"


----------



## Gill

Battle of Trafalgar.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Its 200 years since Lord Nelson's famous victory over the French and Spanish fleet at the Battle of Trafalgar.

Imagine what would have happened if the HSE had been in existence then......


You are on the Poop Deck of the newly renamed HMS Appeasement!

(N) = Nelson - Give the order to hoist my signal Hardy.

(H) = Hardy - Aye Aye, sir

N - Hold on – that’s not the original message I dictated to my signals officer

H – Sorry, sir

H - England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledegook is this?

H - Admiralty policy I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil’s own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist

N - Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.

H - Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments.

N - In that case, break open a cask or rum. Let’s splice the main brace to steel the men before battle.

H - The rum ration has been abolished Admiral. It's a part of the Government’s policy on binge drinking.

N - Good heavens Hardy, I suppose we had better get on with it. Full speed ahead.

H - I think you'll find there is a 4-knot speed limit on this stretch of water.

N - Dammit man, we are on the eve of the greatest sea fight in history. We must attack with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please!

H- That won't be possible sir.

N - What?

H - Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest sir, No harness. They say that the rope ladder does not meet with regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.

N - Then get the ship’s carpenter without delay, Hardy.

H – Unfortunately, he's busy knocking up wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle, Admiral.

N - Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd.

H - Health and Safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.

N - Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card.

H – Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.

N - Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.

H - A couple of problems there, too sir. Health and Safety won't let the men aloft without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt. Haven't you seen the adverts?

N - I've never heard of such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.

H - The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.

N - What? This is mutiny.

H - It's not that sir, It's just that they are afraid of being charged for murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.

N - Then how are we supposed to sink the French and Spanish?

H - Actually sir, we're not…

N - We're not?

H - No sir. The French and Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a huge claim for compensation.

N - But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.

H - I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You could be up on a disciplinary.

N - But surely you must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King.

H - Not any more sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest, it's the rules.

N - Don't tell me - Health and Safety. What happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?

H - As explained sir, rum is off the menu, and there is a ban on corporal punishment.

N - What about sodomy & other homosexual acts ?

H - I believe they are to be encouraged sir.

N - Thank God for that. In that case; kiss me, Hardy, and take me from behind !


----------



## Argee

Taking a walk in an absolutely deserted local park, I found an almost brand-new tennis ball. I put it in my trouser pocket and continued walking. Soon, I met a woman I knew slightly and we exchanged pleasantries. Then, pointing to the protrusion, she asked _"What's that you've got there?"_

_"Tennis ball,"_ I replied.

_"I bet that's painful,"_ she said. _"I've had tennis elbow so I can only imagine what that must be like."_ 

Ray.


----------



## Steve Maskery

The wife's joke...

What's the difference between a weasel and a stoat?
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
One is weasily identifiable and the other is stoatally different.

I'm off on hols...
S


----------



## RogerS

WORDS WOMEN USE

FINE 

This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. 

FIVE MINUTES 

If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. 

NOTHING 

This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine" 

GO AHEAD 

This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it. 

LOUD SIGH 

This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an silly person and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing" 

THAT'S OKAY 

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. 

THANKS 

A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome. 

WHATEVER 

It's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU


----------



## Guest

A top doctor was visiting a mental hospital on a routine inspection. As he walked around he commented on the superb layout and condition of the flower beds and hanging baskets. "Ah yes" replied the hospital superintendent" Charlie, one of the inmates does them" 
"I'd like to meet Charlie" said the doctor. Charlie was duly presented to him. "how long have you been in here ?"the doctor asked "About 20 years"replied Charlie. "You seem very lucid and sane to me" said the doctor"I'm going to look into your case and see if we can't get you out. "Great "said charley "thank you very much" As the doctor and his entourage moved away the doctor was felled by a brick on the back of his head. As he was helped up he heard Charley saying"Don't forget your promise"


----------



## Jaco

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when 
this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives 
the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later 
and 
walks away. 
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?" 
"Oh," 
replies the husband, "she's my mistress." 
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a 
divorce!" 
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get 
a 
divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering 
in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Porsche or X- 
Type Jag 
in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." 
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe 
on 
his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife. 
"That's his mistress," says her husband. 
"Ours is prettier." she replies.


----------



## Jaco

> >A dad walks into a market with his young son. The
> kid is holding a 50
> >cent piece. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going
> blue in the face.
> >
> >The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the coin and
> starts panicking,
> >shouting for help.
> >A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking
> woman in a blue
> >business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the
> market reading her
> >newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound
> of the commotion,
> >she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the
> saucer, neatly folds the
> >newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up
> from her seat and makes
> her way, unhurried, across the market.
> >
> >Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of
> the boy's testicles
>
> >and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then
> ever more firmly. After
>
> >a few seconds the boy convulses violently and
> coughs up the 50c piece,
> >which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
> Releasing the boy, the
> woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the
> >coffee bar without saying a word.
> >
> >As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no
> lasting ill effects,
>
> >the father rushes over to the woman and starts
> thanking her saying,
> >"I've never seen anybody do anything like that
> before, it was
> fantastic.
> >Are you a doctor?"
> >
> >"No," the woman replies. "I work for the South
> African Revenue
> Service."


----------



## RogerS

A blonde was sitting in first class flying in a plane when the stewardess came up to her and said to her "I'm sorry Madam but you're in the wrong seat. You only have an economy ticket and so I must ask you to return to your proper seat".

To which the blond replied "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm flying to new York and I'm not moving".

In exasperation the Stewardess asked the Purser to speak to the blonde. He said to her" Madam, I must insist that you return to your proper seat. it's not fair on the other passengers who paid the proper price for these First Class seats.

Again the blond replied " As I told your colleague. I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm flying to new York and I'm not moving".

So the purser went to the pilot to explain the predicament. The pilot said "Leave it to me. I'm married to a blonde and so I know how to handle her". 

The pilot left his seat and went and whispered in the blondes' ear.

"Well!!" she said " why didn't the others just say that?". She got up and went back to Economy without another sound.

The purser asked the pilot what he'd said to the blonde.

"Simple" replied the pilot. "I just told her that First Class wasn't flying to New York".


----------



## Jaco

Women can be so creative......... THE CURTAIN RODS

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates
and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect
her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their
beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background 
music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle 
of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and stuffed
half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the all
ofthe curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for
the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried
everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were
checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners 
were hungeverywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas
canisters,during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the 
end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.
People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the
house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any
longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut 
their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. 
Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return 
their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to
purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told
her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that 
she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her 
divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his 
ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that 
was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were 
to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour his 
lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched
the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including 
the curtain rods.


----------



## Gill

*The Princess's Problem*

Once upon a time there lived a king. He had a beautiful daughter, the princess, but there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.

No matter what; metal, wood, stone, anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her and nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured." The king was delighted and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man who brought his daughter an object that would not melt could marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

Three young princes took up the challenge.

The first prince brought a sword of the finest steel, but alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.

She felt something hard but held it in her hand.

And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed; indeed, everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. So the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.


Question:
What was in the prince's pants?


(Scroll down for the answer)
V

V

V

V

V

V


M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

What were you thinking?


----------



## RogerS

Nice one, Gill.  

Chap goes into an Outdoor Clothing Specialist shop.

He says to the shop assistant..."I'm looking for a camouflage jacket"

Shop assistant replies "Good, aren't they"


----------



## StevieB

Hmm, I would have given the princess water to touch. Guess thats why I didnt marry a princess!

Steve


----------



## DaveL

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely. 

So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?" 
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. 
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion 
and that it would be a woman. 
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, 
and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. 
She will always agree with every decision you make 
and she will not nag you. and will always be the first 
to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. 
She will praise you! 
She will bear your children. 
and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely 
give you love and passion whenever you need it." 
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?" 
God replied, "An arm and a leg." 
Then Adam asked, "That's too much. What can I get for a rib?" 

Of course the rest is history......................


----------



## Gill

There was a tradesman, a painter called Jock, who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often would thin down paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the painting of one of their biggest buildings. Jock put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job.

And so he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.

Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened, the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Jock clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...


"Repaint! Repaint! and thin no more!"


----------



## Midnight

> "Repaint! Repaint! and thin no more!"



<thunks......n groansssssssssssss


just when ya think Gill's jokes canna possibly get any worse......she hits ya with that.............sheeshhhhhhhhhh.....

 :wink:


----------



## Gill

Oh, but Mike..... they can _always _get worse :wink: 


A man took his wife to the county show. One of the first exhibits they saw was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen which had a sign attached saying "This bull mated 50 times last year". The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "Look, he mated 50 times last year………"

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said "This bull mated 120 times last year". The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him……"

They walked to the third pen which had a sign in capital letters saying "This bull mated 365 times last year". The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one." The husband looked at her and said "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."



Gill


----------



## Guest

An old farmer was sitting in the local pub looking very down in the mouth.A younger ,with-it farmer noticed him and asked him what the problem was . 
"My bull has died and I can't afford to replace him and my cows all need servicing." moaned the old chap."Why don't you ring the artificial insemminatation man? He'll sort your cows out for you." The young farmer gave the tel no to the old chap who left with a big smile on his face. 
The Ministry sent out a man who took one look at the broken down ,dirty barn and told the old farmer" I can't work in these conditions. You'll have to fix this barn up and give it a clean. Give me a ring when it's done and i'll come straight out.. 
After much mending and cleaning the insemination man was called out again."My!" he exclaimed "This is a lot better now" "Yes said the old farmer, I've even put a new hook up for you to hang your trousers on"


----------



## DaveL

The Engineer
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." 
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. 
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." 
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." 
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." 
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"


----------



## Anonymous

At the Women's Lib International Conference: 

The first speaker, a lady from Wales, stood and said, "During last Year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband Trevor that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. 

After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb." 

The crowd cheered. 

The second speaker from Russia, stood up and said, "After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband Ivan that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. 

The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing. On the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well! 

The crowd again cheered. 

The third speaker, from Newcastle, stood up and said, "Afta last yee-ah's confyrence, aah went herm and telt that lazy basstad of mine Geordie that I was nae longa gonna be pickin up his beer cans, cookin his bait and washin his kecks and that he was gonna haff to de them hisell. 

The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes! 

She continued....................................... "Afta the foist day, I nevah saw nowt. Afta the second day I nevah saw nowt. But afta the thord day, I was begginnin ta see a little bit out of me left eye."


----------



## Gill

Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence starting with "I".
Little Johnny: I is...
Teacher: No, Little Johnny. Always say "I am."
Little Johnny: All right. "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."


----------



## Knot Competent

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.


----------



## StewieH

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china,

I want you to make me a new Ark".
Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want after all you're the guv' . . . ".
But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, . . I want 20
decks one on top of the other".
"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals
just like last time?"
"Yep, that's right, well . . sort of right . . this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.
“Fish?", queries Noah
"Yep, fish . . well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Carp!"
Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?"
"Check".
With 20 decks, one on top of the other?".
"Check". "And you want it full of Carp?".
"Check".
"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether....


."Dunno", says God,
"I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".


----------



## Dickymint

Scientific Study 


I realize that this is for submissions of jokes, but I came across this 
important scientific study that people should be aware of: 

Recently, Scientists in United Kingdom suggested that the results of a 
recent analysis revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, and suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were each fed 6 pints of beer within a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, 
became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit down while urinating and refused to apologize when wrong. 
The results were conclusive and no further testing is planned. 
:shock: :lol:


----------



## Dickymint

So why did the chicken cross the road?

MOHAMMED SAEED AL-SAHAF (COMICAL ALI):
The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We do not even have a chicken.

GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either for us or against us. There is no middle ground.

TONY BLAIR:
I agree with George.

HANS BLIX:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

MARTIN LUTHER KING Jr:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

TRISHA:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it survived a serious case of moulting and went onto accomplish its dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together in peace.

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of the chicken to cross the road.

RONALD REAGAN:
What Chicken?

SIGMUND FREUD:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES:
EChicken 2003 will not only cross roads but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your cheque book, and Internet Explorer 7 is an integral part of eChicken.

BILL CLINTON:
What is your definition of chicken?

GRANDAD:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road and that was good enough.

COLOLNEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?

HOMER SIMPSON:
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm chicken!
(homer)


----------



## Les Mahon

Creation 
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. 

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and 
Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 
pounds. And Satan smiled. 

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 10 to size 18. 

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." 

And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. 
And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast. 

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." 

And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken, fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof. 

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good’. 

Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food." 

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. 

And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds. 

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. 

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds. 

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. 

And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest. 

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. 

Then Satan created HMOs.


----------



## Gill

What are HMOs?

Gill


----------



## Les Mahon

Health Maintenance Organisations - aka Private health care organisations


----------



## Gill

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that was enough,
as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his
doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more
children. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy
that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly
alternative was to go home, get a big firework, light it, put it in a
beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Irishman
said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I
don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going
to help me." "Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor. So the man
went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to
his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused
and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting
on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Birmingham, Manchester, parts of Essex, Newcastle and anywhere in Wales.


----------



## trevtheturner

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## Midnight

> This procedure also works in Birmingham, Manchester, parts of Essex, Newcastle and anywhere in Wales.



:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: 

priceless.....


----------



## frank

its a cracker        :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## cambournepete

Thanks Gill, I'm glad my GP didn't do that 10 days ago though! :wink:


----------



## gwaithcoed

> Newcastle and anywhere in Wales



Steady on there Gill, In Wales when we run out of fingers we count sheep so I don't think it would work here- not prepared to try it though.

Cracking joke, keep them coming

Cheers Alan


----------



## Adam




----------



## Noel

Nice one Adam, stupid annoying frog. The guy who started it has made £10m but the thing still needed stringing up.

Noel


----------



## Chris Knight

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## blurk99

Posh and Becks are sitting in front of the television watching the six o'clock news. The main story is a man threatening to jump off the Clifton 
Suspension Bridge on to the busy road below. Posh turns to Becks and says: "David, I bet you £5,000 that he jumps!" 
to which Beckham replies "£5,000? Done! I bet that he doesn't" 
So they shake hands on the bet and continue watching.
Sure enough, the Man jumps and hits the road below with a loud thud. Beckham takes £5,000 out of his back pocket and hands it to Posh.
But she refuses."I can't take your money, David," she says.
"The truth is, I was cheating. I saw the five o'clock news, so I knew he was going to jump."
"No, babes, fair's fair" says David. "That money is yours fair and square I 
was cheating just as you were. I saw the five o'clock news, too. I just didn't think he would do it again."


----------



## Jaco

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "arthritis.


----------



## Jaco

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"


----------



## Jaco

>>Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive
>>double-pane energy efficient kind, but this week I got a call from the 
>>contractor, complaining his work had been completed a year ago and I 
>>had yet to pay for them.
>>
>>Boy oh boy, did we go around and around!
>>
>>Just because I'm a blonde does not mean I'm automatically stupid.
>>
>>So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had
>>told
>>me
>>last year - namely, that in one year, the windows would pay for 
>>themselves.
>>
>>There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up.
>>
>>I have not heard anything back.
>>
>>Guess I won that stupid argument.


----------



## Anonymous

You need a DSL connection for this one as it is quite a long video. And you can let the kids watch it too...(no dead cats)

http://www.storewars.org/flash/index.html

Make sure the sound is ON


----------



## DaveL

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Dad".

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.
I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice, even with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Joan said that we will be very happy.

Even though you won't care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.

Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.


Your son, John



PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! 


Call when it is safe for me to come home.


----------



## DaveL

Error 404


----------



## Bean

First i thought :-({|= poor Marvin, then I thought \/ deserves the miserable old so and so right a touch of HHg there Dave.

Bean


----------



## Newbie_Neil

Hi Dave

Thank you for the link. Brilliant.

Cheers
Neil


----------



## Anonymous

Northern Ireland

Police newsflash:

Catholic woman has been shot in the fanny in the Falls Road.

One hour later a Protestant women is shot in the breast in the Ardoyne.

Police say the second incident was a tit for pineapple shooting. :lol: :lol: :lol:

Andy


----------



## DaveL

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realise that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."


----------



## Dickymint

Two cows in a field:
Cow # 1 say's;- Mooooooooooo
Cow # 2 say's you B*stard, I was going to say that.


----------



## trevtheturner

A man died and went to heaven. 
As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. 
He asked, "What are all those clocks?" 
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." 
"Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." 

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life." 

"Where's Tony Blair's?" asked the man. 
"Tony's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."


----------



## Jake

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and 
spotted a woman below. 

He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."


The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."


"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.


"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"


"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically 
correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact
is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."


The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."


"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"


"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are
going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot 
air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."


----------



## Drew

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you." 
"Yes," she says, "I remember it well." 
"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake. 
"Oooooooh, Henry, you old devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers. 
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's not any trouble." So he follows them. 
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the Old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. 
This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. 
Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he's learned something about life that he didn't know. 
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, "that was truly amazing - that old man was going like a train- I've got to ask him what his secret is." 
As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else. You had sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?" 
The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence." 

Drew


----------



## Gill

A young man called Peter invited his mother for dinner. During
the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome
Peter's flatmate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flatmate than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Bill & I are just flatmates".

About a week later, Bill came to Peter saying, "ever since your
mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't
suppose she took it do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure," said Peter, so he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mother,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the frying pan from my house, I'm
not saying that you "did not" take the frying pan, but the fact remains
that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

love Peter


Several days later, Peter received an e-mail from his mother
which read:

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Bill, and I'm not saying
that you "do not" sleep with Bill, but the fact remains that if he was
sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the frying pan by now.

love Mum


----------



## Gill

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured an English major. Taking the major to their headquarters, the French general began to question him. The French general asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"

In his bland English way, the major informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show and the men they are leading won't panic.



And that is why from that day till now, all French Army officers wear brown pants.


----------



## Dickymint

Baron Von Flick, the famous World War One fighter pilot was "entertaining" a beautiful young woman. Whilst the romantic evening developed at his chateau, they found themselves approaching the moment of the first kiss. Suddenly, the Baron pours red wine over the girls beautiful red lips, shocked she asks:
Baron, why you do this?
He responds:
"My dear, I am Baron Von Flick the famous World War One fighter pilot and when I have red meat I enjoy red wine!"
"Oh Baron" she replies, "that's so romantic..."
The amorous attention advances and soon the Baron has the young girls breasts bared for his pleasure, when he suddenly pours white wine across her chest.
"Baron, what you do this for?" she asks.
He responds:
"My dear, I am Baron Von Flick the famous World War One fighter pilot and when I have white meat I enjoy white wine!"
"Oh Baron" she replies, "that too is so romantic..."
The evening advances, and so to does the Baron.
Faced with her beautiful womanhood the Baron Pulls out the bandy pours it between her legs, she coo's, then as the Baron strikes a match she shouts with alarm:
"Baron, Baron what you do, what you do?"
"My dear, I am Baron Von Flick the famous World War One fighter pilot and when I go down I go down in flames!"
:twisted: :twisted:


----------



## Jaco

Sales Staff and Accountants
3 Real Life Stories


Number 1
Eleven people were dangling below a helicopter on a rope. There were ten sales people and one accountant. 
Since the rope was not strong enough to hold them all, they decided that one of them had to let go to save all the others.
They could not decide who should be the volunteer. Finally the accountant said he would let go of the rope since accountants are used to do everything for the company. They forsake their family, don’t claim all of their expenses and do a lot of overtime without getting anything in return.
When he finished his moving speech all the sales people began to clap… 
Moral: 
Never underestimate the powers of an accountant.

Number 2
A group of accountants and a group of sales people take a train to a conference. Each sales person holds a ticket. But the entire group of accountants has bought only a single ticket. The sales people are just shaking their heads and are secretly pleased that the arrogant and mean accountants will finally get what they deserve. 
Suddenly one of the accountants calls out: “The conductor is coming!”. At once, all the accountants jump up and squeeze into one of the toilets. The conductor checks the tickets of the sales people. When he notices that the toilet is occupied he knocks on the door and says: “Ticket, please!” One of the accountants slides the ticket under the door and the conductor continues merrily on his round.
For the return trip the sales people decide to use the same trick. The buy only one ticket for the entire group but they are baffled as they realize that the accountants didn’t buy any tickets at all. After a while one of the accountants announces again: “The conductor is coming!” Immediately all the sales people race to a toilet and lock themselves in.
All the accountants leisurely walk to the other toilet. Before the last accountant enters the toilet he knocks on the toilet occupied by the sales people and says: “Ticket, please!” 
And the moral of the story?
Sales people like to use the methods of the accountants, but they don’t really understand them.

Number 3
Once upon a time three sales people were walking through the woods and suddenly they were standing in front of a huge, wild river. But they desperately had to get to the other side. But how, with such a raging torrent? The first sales guy knelt down and prayed to the Lord: “Lord, please give me the strength to cross this river! " 
*pppppfffffffuuuuffffffff* 
The Lord gave him long arms and strong legs. Now he could swim across the river. It took him about two hours and he almost drowned several times. 
BUT: he was successful! 
The second sales guy, who observed this, prayed to the Lord and said: “Lord, please give me the strength AND the necessary tools to cross this river!”
*pppppfffffffuuuuffffffff* 
The Lord gave him a tub and he managed to cross the river despite the fact that the tub almost capsized a couple of times.
The third sales man who observed all this kneeled down and prayed: “Lord, please give me the strength, the means and the intelligence to cross this river!”
*pppppfffffffuuuuffffffff* 
The Lord converted the sales man into an accountant. He took a quick glance on the map, walked a few meters upstream and crossed the bridge.


Tell this to an intelligent accountant so that they have something to smile about; 
and to the sales people if you think they can stomach the truth!


----------



## Jaco

“WHAT WE CAN LEARN FROM GEESE”


Fact No. 1	As each bird flaps its wings, it creates an uplift draft for the bird following. By flying in a “V” formation, the whole flock adds a greater flying range than if individual birds flew alone.

Lesson No. 1
People who share a common direction and sense of community can get where they’re going quicker and more easily because they are travelling on the strength of one another.

Fact No. 2	Whenever a goose falls out of information, it suddenly feels the drag and resistance of trying to fly alone and quickly gets back into formation to take advantage of the lifting power of the bird immediately in front.

Lesson No. 2
If we have as much sense as geese, we will stay in formation and be willing to accept help when we need it and give help when it is needed.

Fact No. 3	When the lead goose gets tired, it rotates back into the formation, and another goose gets in the point position.

Lesson No. 3
Geese instinctively share the task of leadership and do not resent the leader.

Fact No. 4	The geese in formation honk from behind to encourage those up front to keep up their speed.

Lesson No. 4
We need to make sure our honking from behind is encouraging and not something else.	

Fact No. 5	When a goose gets sick, is wounded or is shot down, two geese drop out of formation and follow it down to earth to help and protect it. They stay with their disabled companion until is able to fly again or dies. They then launch out on their own or with another formation or catch up with the flock.

Lesson No. 5
If we have as much sense as geese, we too will stand by one another in difficult times and help the one who has dropped out regain his place in the formation.


----------



## Jaco

The paradox of our age 

We have taller buildings, but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower Viewpoints. We spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy it less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences but less time. 

We have more degrees, but less common sense; more knowledge, but less judgement. We have more experts and more problems, more medicine, but less wellness. We build more computers to hold more information to produce more copies, but we have less communication. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. 

We talk too much, love too seldom and lie too often. 

We have learned how to make a living, but not a life. We have added years to life; not life to years. We have been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbour. 

We have conquered outer space, but not inner space. We have done larger things but not better things. We have cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We have split the atom, but not our prejudice. We have learned to rush, but not to wait. We have more acquaintances but fewer friends. 

We spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get angry too quickly, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too seldom, watch television too often and pray too seldom.


----------



## Jaco

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." 

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(you're gonna love this)



(its a real treat)



(a masterpiece)


(wait for it)







The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."



(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)


----------



## Chris Knight

Jaco,


----------



## Waka

The Lions rugby practice was delayed nearly two hours today after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field.
The coach immediately suspended practice while police and forensic investigators were called to investigate.
After a complete analysis, investigating forensic experts determined that the white substance unknown to players was the try line.
Practice was resumed after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again...
************************************************************
The Lions coach takes the Team out for a training run and first up he tells everyone to assume their normal position.
So they all go and stand behind the goalposts and wait for the conversion.
************************************************************
What is your wife trying to tell you if she's wearing a Lions shirt in bed?
You ain't gonna score - ever.
************************************************************
There are only 2 man-made things that can be seen with the naked eye from space...
The first one is the Great Wall of China, and right on its heels is the...
GAP IN THE LIONS DEFENCE.
************************************************************
What is the difference between the Lions and an arsonist?
An arsonist wouldn't waste that many matches.


----------



## Howjoe

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995


Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. 

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. 

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. 

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. 

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. 

Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.


----------



## Johnboy

> This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995



Oh no it isn't :- http://www.snopes.com/military/lighthse.htm


John


----------



## Howjoe

made me laugh.


----------



## Jaco

George Bush was visiting an elementary school, and he visited a 4th grade class during a discussion of words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word “tragedy.” So, our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stood up and offered, “My best friend, who lives next door, was playing in the street, and a car came along and ran over him. That would be a tragedy.” “No,” said Bush, “That would be an accident.” A little girl raised her hand. “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a high cliff, killing everyone in the bus, that would be a tragedy”. “I’m afraid not,” said the President. “That’s what we would call a great loss.” The room grew silent. No other children would volunteer an answer. Bush searched the room; “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?” Finally, in the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet voice, he said, “If the plane, carrying you and Mrs. Bush were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, which would be a tragedy.” “Fantastic,” said Bush. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?”
“Well,” said the boy, “because it wouldn’t be an accident, and it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss.”


----------



## Jaco

*The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

*


----------



## Jaco

A bloke is in a queue at the Super Market when he notices that the rather 
dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him. 

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and 
although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says 
"sorry do you know me?" She replies "I may be mistaken, but I thought you 
might be the father of one of my children ! 

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, 
"Christ!" he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I sha??ed on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ar???" 

"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher"


----------



## Jaco

A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his mother, "Mom,
why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that
your bride is pure."

The son thanks his mom, and then seeks his father opinion, "Dad, why are
wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household
appliances come in white."


----------



## tim

Given the postings on varmits etc in the buying advice section, I thought I'd add this redneck usage of computer language:



1. LOG ON: Makin a wood stove hotter. 

2. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood. 

3. MONITOR: Keepin an eye on the wood stove. 

4. DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk. 

5. MEGA HERTZ: When yer not kerful gettin the farwood. 

6. FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much
farwood. 

7. RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood. 

8. HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time. 

9. PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time. 

10. WINDOWS: Whut to shut wen it's cold outside. 

11. SCREEN: Whut to shut wen it's blak fly season. 

12. BYTE: Whut them dang flys do. 

13. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV. 

14. MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag.

15. MODEM: Whut cha did to the hay fields. 

16. DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife. 

17. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps. 

18. KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys. 

19. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs. 

20. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn. 

21. MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof. 

22. PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine 

23. ENTER: Northerner talk fer "C'mon in y'all" 

24. RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: Wen ya cain't 'member whut ya
paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks. 

25. MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole. 


yeee hawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!


----------



## tim

A man comes home with a live sheep under his arm, walks into the bedroom and says "this is the pig i have sex with when you have a headache". 

His wife puts down her book, looks at him and says "I think you'll find that's a sheep". He says "and I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep".


----------



## Jaco

Now thats looking for trouble!


----------



## LyNx

THE LADS PRAYER

OUR BEER
WHICH COMETH IN BOTTLES
HALLOWED BE THY ALE
THY WILL BE DRUNK
I WILL BE DRUNK
AT HOME AS WE ARE IN THE PUB
GIVE US EACH DAY OUR DAILY BEVERAGE
AND FORGIVE US OUR SPILLAGES
AND WE FORGIVE THOSE WHO SPILLAGE AGAINST US AND LEAD US NOT INTO POOFY WINEBARS OR DETRACT US FROM REAL ALE FOR MINE IS THE BITTER THE TOTTY AND THE FOOTY FOREVER AND EVER BARMEN


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@


A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2"
in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

"Now, "said the professor, "I want you to recognise that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff."

"If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical check-ups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal."

"Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

But then...

A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.

The moral of this tale is: that no matter how full your life is, there is always room for BEER!!


----------



## RogerS

Three philosophy professors were debating the true definition of 'laissez faire'. 

The first professor said "I think that the definition of laissez-faire is when a husband comes home unexpectedly, opens the door to the bedroom, finds his wife in bed with another man and then shuts the door again. That's 'laissez-faire'.

"Mmmmm" said the second professor "not bad but not quite right. I think that the definition of laissez-faire is when a husband comes home unexpectedly, opens the door to the bedroom, finds his wife in bed with another man, says to the man 'Carry On' and then shuts the door again. That's 'laissez-faire'.

"Close but not quite correct" said the last professor. "The true definition of laissez-faire is when a husband comes home unexpectedly, opens the door to the bedroom, finds his wife in bed with another man, says to the man 'Carry On', then shuts the door again and the man CAN carry on. That's 'laissez-faire'"


----------



## Anonymous




----------



## jonny boy

EXELLENT!!!!!!!

That has to be the finest rear I have ever seen! (the one on the right of course)

cheers,
jonny.


----------



## Gill

There was this man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and do a lot of things that took two arms.

One day he had had it. He decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, "What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life."

He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms. The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again.

He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?

He said, "I'm NOT happy; my bum's itching."


----------



## Chris Knight

Gill,
Thanks! you always make me laugh. :lol:


----------



## Jaco

Truly Scottish

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding
hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently,
then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your
thoughts, Angus." 
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss." The
girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then
he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. Minutes
passed, then the girl spoke again. 
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." 
"Well, uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its noo aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the
loch. After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts,
Angus." 
"Well, uh I was thinkin'... perhaps its aboot time you let me pewt ma
hand on yer leg." The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her
knee. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over
the loch before the girl spoke again. 
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." The young man glanced down
with a furled brow. 
"Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this
time." 
"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation. 
"Aye," said the lad, nodding. The girl looked away in shyness, began to
blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request. And he
said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three
pennies?"


----------



## RogerS

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his shiny limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate the situation.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We HAVE TO eat grass." Shocked, the lawyer said, "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you!"

"But sir. I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he said, "You come with us, too." 

The second man said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all!" the lawyer answered. They all jammed into the huge limo.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

Genuinely touched, the lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"


----------



## Jaco

SMART ANSWERS for 2004

#5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, instead he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat … she said, “Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.”

#4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she could not find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”
The stock boy replied “No maam, the are dead”

#3
The cop got of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
“I’ve been waiting for you all day”, the cop said.
The kid replied “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.”
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

#2
A truck driver was driving along on a freeway. A sign comes up that reads “Low Bridge Ahead.” Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed for miles.

Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out and walks up to the truck driver, puts his hand on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?”
The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of fuel!”

First prize goes to ……
#1
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrows final exam.
“Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!”
A smart ass in the back of the room raises his hand and asked “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is finally restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says –
“Well. I guess you would just have to write the exam with your other hand!”


----------



## Jaco

BLESSING
May the fleas of a thousand Afghan camels infest the butt of the person who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch. 
Have a great day.
Your friend.


----------



## Jaco

BOASTING

Three wild and reckless hang-glider pilots, an Australian a Kiwi and a South African, are sitting around a camp fire near Ayers Rock one chilly winter night, discussing the bravado for which they are famous.
After hours of increasingly tall tales and lots of beer, Kevin the Kiwi says, “Surely, I must be the meanest, toughest hang-gliding dude there is? Why, just the other day, I landed in a field right next to a croc that had escaped the swamps and eaten six men. I wrestled that pipper to the ground, with my bare hands!”
Determined not to be outdone, Shane from Australia says, “Well, actually at the end of a 400km flight, I landed on a narrow trail and a three-metre desert snake slid out from under a rock and went for me. I grabbed that turnip with my bare hands and bit its head off, sucking the poison down in one gulp – I’m still here today.”
And through all of this the South African, Van, remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his member.


----------



## Jaco

FARMER

A farmer was standing in the middle of his fields when a passerby stops to ask him what he is doing.
“Trying to earn a Nobel Prize.” Replies the farmer.
“A Nobel Prize?” says the passerby. “How do you intend to win a prize standing out there?”
“Don’t you know?” replies the farmer, “They give prizes to individuals who are outstanding in their fields!”


----------



## Jaco

SOB

Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail) “Can I address the Court?”
Judge “Of course.”
Defendant “If I called you a SOB, what would you do?”
Judge “I would hold you in contempt of court and assess an additional 5 days in jails.”
Defendant “What if I thought you were a SOB?”
Judge “I can’t do anything about that. There’s no law against thinking.”
Defendant “In that case your Honour, I think you are a SOB.”


----------



## Jaco

GUN

When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again.

This time it worked!


----------



## Jaco

THE MAID

The maid in a Sandton home resigns the one day.
The madam was very upset and asked “Now Princess, why do you want to resign?”
“Well madam, there are 3 reasons why I resign. The first is that I iron better than you”
“Who said you iron better than me?” enquired the madam.
“The master said so!”
“O, I see.”
“The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.”
“Nonsense!, who said you were a better cook than me?”
“The master said so.”
“O, I see.”
“My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.”
Madam, very upset now. “Did the master say that as well!!!!!!??”
“No madam, the gardener did.”


----------



## Jaco

SALESMAN

A salesman is traveling around the country-side, selling insect repellent. He comes to a farmhouse and tries his pitch on the farmer. “Sir, my bug spay is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it.”
Dubious, the farmer says “Young man, I’ll make you a proposition. I’ll tie you up out in my cattle pen, buck naked, and covered in that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I’ll buy a whole case.”
Delighted, the salesman agrees and they go to field where he strips.
After spraying him thoroughly with the bug spray, the farmer ties him to a large tree standing in the middle of the field.
The next morning, the farmer and his family walk out to the field. Sure enough, the salesman is there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him.
But, he’s a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard and drawn, but not one bite on him.
Perplexed, the farmer asks, “Son, I’ll have to admit you don’t have a bite on you, but you look like hell! What the devil happened?”
The exhausted salesman looks up through bloodshot eyes and croaks, “For crying out loud, Mister, doesn’t that calf have a mother?!”


----------



## Gill

Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder.

There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer says as he looks at his watch.

"Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this court room," he says and he looks toward the courtroom door. The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens. Finally the lawyer says, 'Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate. Later, the jury returns and a representative pronounces a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquires the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door." Answers the representative, "Oh, we did look. But your client didn't."


----------



## Jaco

REASONS TO CRAWL UNDER A ROCK

1. CURL UP AND DIE........I walked into a hair salon with my husband and
three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo
and a blow job?"

Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin TX


2. HO, HO, HO............. I was taking a shower when my 2 year old son
came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although
he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a
few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one
with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the
picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look.
Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition
to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a
camera! Name Withheld

3. LADY GOLFER................ I was at the golf store comparing different
kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good
looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.
without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with
men's balls."-

Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI

4. NUTS ABOUT YOU............My sister and I were at the mall and passed by
a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display
case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed! any help. I replied,
"No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to
laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

Faye Emerick, 34,
Ellerslie, MD

5. PRICELESS.............A lady picked up several items at discount store.
When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items
had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the
intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE
THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the
rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for
"THUMBTACKS." In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the
intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU
POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

6. MOM'S ADVICE......... A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of
the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying
attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite
embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he
was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.
He was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did
it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back
of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his
desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your Mom,"
she screamed. "I did," he said, "and she told me that if I could stick it
out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.


----------



## Jaco

A successful rancher died and left everything to his wife. She was a 
> very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew 
> very little about ranching. So, she decided to place an ad in the 
> newspaper for a ranch hand.
> 
> Two men applied for the job. One was very effeminate and obviously 
> gay. The other was a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and 
> when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it 
> would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
> 
> He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew 
> a lot about ranching. The two of them worked well together and the 
> ranch was doing very well, so one day the rancher's widow said to the 
> hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks 
> great. You should go into town and enjoy yourself"
> 
> The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night. 
> However, one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no 
> hired hand. He eventually returned around two-thirty and found the 
> rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace. She quietly called him over 
> to her.
> 
> "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as 
> she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did so, slowly. "Now, take 
> off my stockings" He did. "Now take off my skirt" He did too. "Now 
> take off my bra" Again, with trembling hands he did as he was told. 
> "Now" she said, "take off my panties". He slowly pulled them down and 
> off.
> 
> Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes to town 
> again, you're fired!"
>


----------



## Jaco

"If I discover within myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."


----------



## Jaco

1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
>
> 2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to
> the core of the earth?
>
> 3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
>
> 4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bum?
>
> 5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
> stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
>
> 6. If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullsh*t?
>
> 7. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
>
> 8. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
>
> 9. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
> centuries' have a 'use by' date?
>
> 10. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
> horrible crisp no one would eat?
>
> 11. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
>
> 12. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll
> squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
>
> 13. What do people in China call their good plates?
>
> 14. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a
> coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
>
> 15. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
> don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
>
> 16. Why does goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're
> both dogs!
>
> 17. What do you call male ballerinas?
>
> 18. Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??
>
> 19. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme rubbish, why
> didn't he just buy dinner?
>
> 20. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
>
> 21. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
>
> 22. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
> vegetables,then what is baby oil made from?
>
> 23. If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to hear
> him, is he still wrong?
>
> 24. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion
> stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there
> is
> wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
>
> 25. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabetti Spaghetti?
>
> 26. Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere,
> but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your bum?
>
> 27. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets
> mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head
> out the
> window?
> __


----------



## Jaco

Kids answers to teachers questions


> > TEACHER: Why are you late?
> > WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
> > TEACHER: What sign?
> > WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
> >
> > TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile"?
> > JOHN: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
> > TEACHER: No, that's wrong
> > JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell it!
> >
> > TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
> > SARAH: "HIJKLMNO"!!
> > TEACHER: What are you talking about?
> > SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
> >
> > TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
> > GEORGE: Here it is!
> > TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
> > CLASS: George!
> >
> > TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't
> > haveten years ago.
> > WILLY: Me!
> >
> > TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
> > TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
> >
> > SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
> > FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
> > SILVIA: Your name on this report card.
> >
> > TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
> > ELLEN: I is...
> > TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
> > ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
> >
> > TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
> > JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the sameday sametime."
> >
> > TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry
> > tree,but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't
> > punish him?"
> > JOHNNY: "Because George still had the axe in his hand."
> >
> > TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
> > SAM: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
> >
> > TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as
> > yourbrother's. Did u copy his?
> > DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
> >
> > TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are
> > nolonger interested?
> > PUPIL: A teacher.


----------



## Jaco

On a tour of South Africa, the Pope took a couple of days off his
> > itinerary
> > to visit the coast near Durban on an impromptu sightseeing
> > trip.
> > His 4x4 Popemobile was driving along the golden sands when
> > there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland.
> > They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene
> > the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing an
> > Australian Rugby jersey, struggling frantically to free
> > himself from the jaws of a twenty-foot shark.
> > At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing
> > Springbok rugby tops roared into view from around the point.
> > Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon
> > into the shark's ribs, immobilizing it instantly.
> > The other two reached out and pulled the Australian from the
> > water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.
> > They bundled the bleeding, semi conscious man into the speed
> > boat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty
retreat,
when
> >
> > they heard frantic shouting from the shore.
> > It was of course the Pope, and he summoned them to the beach.
> > Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about
> > the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions.
> > I had heard that there were some racist xenophobic people
> > trying to divide South Africans and Australians, but, now I have
seen
with
> >
> > my own eyes this is not true.
> > I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of
> > racial harmony and could serve as a model on which other nations
could
> > follow."
> > He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.
> > As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others,"Who was
> > that???! "That,"one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in
direct
> > contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."
> > "Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows f--- all about shark
> > hunting. How's that bait holding up or do we need to get another
one?"


----------



## Jaco

Coach Rudolph Staeuli had put together the perfect Springbok team. The
only
thing he was missing was a good tackler. He had scouted all the
varsities,
and even the high schools, but he couldn't find a decent defender who
could
ensure a Tri-Nations win. Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a
war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he
spotted
a young Afghan soldier with a truly incredible feature. He was in
hand-to-hand combat with an entire company of enemy soldiers. They all
tried
to break through his impenetrable defence to get to the ammunition he
was
guarding, but one by one they were knocked back by his superior
strength.
When a guy twice his size stormed up and was promptly hammered back 10
feet,
coach Straeuli thought, "I've got to get this guy! He has the perfect
tackle!"

So, he brings him to South Africa and teaches him the great game of
rugby,
and the Bokke go on to win the Tri-Nations as well as the 2003 World Cup
!!

The young Afghan is proclaimed as the Great Hero of Rugby, and when
Straeuli
asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his
mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the World Cup for my team".

"I don't want to talk to you", the old woman says. "You deserted us.
You
are not my son."

"I don't think you understand, Mother!" the young man pleads. "I just
won
the greatest rugby sporting event in the world. I'm here among
thousands of
my adoring fans".

"No, let me tell you," the mother retorts, "At this very moment, there
are
gunshots all around us. The neighbourhood is a pile of rubble. Your two
brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this
week
your sister was raped in broad daylight."

The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says: ".........I'll never
forgive
you for making us move to Johannesburg."


----------



## Jaco

Minister of Public Works Stella Sigcau wanted to remodel her office, so
she invited different contractors for tenders. One was from
Johannesburg, one from Durban and the last one from Soweto.

"OK gentlemen, nice job I want," She said, "Let's hear from Jhb?"

The guy took out his ultrasonic measuring device and tablet computer
and began measuring, scrawling on the computer, calculating.
Eventually:
"R90,000, Madam Minister," he said.
"That seems like quite a lot of money! Why R90,000?"
"You see," he replied, "that's R40,000 for material, R40,000 for my
guys and R10,000 for my profit".

Stella seemed OK with that and turned to the Durban contractor. "So
how
much do want to do the job?" she asked.

The Durban fella took out a rusted tape measure, broken clipboard and
a
blunt pencil. He took some measurements, scratched some calculations
on
the back of his Rothmans 30s box and came up with a figure of R70,000.
"That's interesting!" Said Stella. "Explain the R70,000?"
"Simple, Madam Minister, I got a brother-in-law in the hardware trade,
so that's R30,000 for materials, R30,000 for me, and R10,000 for my
profit and all."

Stella was amused but happy to accept the explanation. Then she asked
the Soweto contractor for his quotation. He just smiled, looked the
minister in the eyes and said, "R270,000!"
"Yoh Yoh Yoh!... How did you come to that amount without even taking
your measurements? What is that amount for?"
"That's R100,000 for me & R100,000 for you!"

"So what about the remaining R70,000?"

"We hire that guy from Durban to do the job!!!".


----------



## Jaco

Latest from the ministry of Transport:
In the name of political correctness the name "Taxi" will be changed
to "Computer".
Why you may ask?

a) It has windows
b) It is driven by a floppy
c) Very likely to catch a virus
d) Can crash at any time
e) Is always running out of space
f) Has a knack of irritating you
g) Even with all the bells and whistles it's still no better than
without them
h) If it does not work then you have NT (no transport)

THE ADVANTAGES OF BEING SOUTH AFRICAN
1. No need trying to keep up with the Joneses - they emigrated last
week.
2. You can eat worms and half dried meat and not be considered
disgusting.
3. Nothing is your fault, you can blame it all on apartheid.
4. Unrivalled job prospects for those unburdened with training, skills
or experience.
5. You get to buy a new car every three months and the insurance
company even pays for it.
6. You can experience bad service in eleven official languages.
7. Where else can you get oranges with 45% alcohol content at rugby
matches?
8. It's the only country in the world where striking workers show
how angry they are by dancing.
9. You're considered clumsy if you cannot use a cell phone (without
car kit), change CDs, drink a beer and smoke, all at the same time
while driving a car at 160 kph on the highway.
10. Great Eccent.
11. People mistake you for being Australian.
12. Americans will never consider dropping a nuclear bomb on you
because they don't know that you exist.
13. If you live in Johannesburg, you get to brag about living in the
most dangerous city in the world.
14. You get to carry a gun.
15. Burglar bars become a feature, and a great selling point for
your house.
16. You can decorate your garden walls with barbed wire.
17. The police are the first on the scene for most major crimes,
without being called.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN SOUTH AFRICA WHEN:
a) Votes have to be recounted until the right party wins.
b) When illegal immigrants leave the country because the crime rate is
too high.
c) The police ask you if they must follow up on the burglary you've
just reported because no one is murdered.
d) A murderer gets a two year sentence and a pirate TV viewer six
months.
e) The prisoners strike!
f) You can't make a phone call because the copper cables have been
stolen.
g) The police stations have panic buttons to call armed response
when they are burgled.


----------



## Adam

Removed - see post below

Adam


----------



## Gill

A blonde woman is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. “I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said. “Did you follow my instructions?”

The blonde nodded. “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”

“From hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.

“No, from skipping.”


----------



## Travis Byrne

Hello MODERATOR Adam
I suggest that if you don't Like the way Mr. Bush runs things in the US, then vote him out of office. Whats that------You's not elgible to vote on US politics? Then, I suggest that you let us US folks decide. :wink: 
Travis


----------



## Jorden

Do we have to put up with politics here in the joke section too - shame on you!

D.


----------



## Gill

I was also disappointed to see such a blatantly political joke but I didn't like to comment publicly because Adam's a moderator and sets the standard to which we all aspire :twisted: 




. Anyway, here's another political joke, but this one tests the boundaries of good taste in another way  :



Tony Blair started jogging near his home in Chequers.

Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

"Fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb.

"No! Five pounds!" Tony would fire back.

This ritual between Tony and the hooker became a daily occurrence.

He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty pounds!" He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"

One day, Cherie decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog.

As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Tony realized she'd bark her £50 offer and Cherie would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.

He figured he'd better have a very good explanation for the 'Boss'.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Tony became even more apprehensive than usual.

Sure enough, there was the prostitute, and Tony tried to avoid her eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from the corner, she yelled,



"See what you get for five quid!"


----------



## Adam

Travis Byrne":1uhfx79a said:


> Hello MODERATOR[/size] Adam
> I suggest that if you don't Like the way Mr. Bush runs things in the US, then vote him out of office. Whats that------You's not elgible to vote on US politics? Then, I suggest that you let us US folks decide. :wink:
> Travis





gill":1uhfx79a said:


> was also disappointed to see such a blatantly political joke but I didn't like to comment publicly because Adam's a moderator and sets the standard to which we all aspire . Anyway, here's another political joke, but this one tests the boundaries of good taste in another way :



Sorry folks, it was only supposed to be the bottom half of that joke that I pasted in - it came like that - a single posting, and I meant to cut and paste the lower half only - and I thought the bottom half (about changing light bulbs was just about OK ) , the top half was not really a joke. Anyway, I removed both.

Sorry, 

Adam...doing some self moderating today.... :?


----------



## Jaco

There is absolutely NOTHING WRONG with political jokes, irrespective of which country they are about. 
Obviously some people do not have a sense of humour.

You should try come living in some 5th world banana republic!


----------



## Anonymous

And if you don't believe Jaco you should try living in Johannesburg too! (I did for almost a year in 97/98 - it was 'fun').

Personally I love political jokes and if you can't take people poking fun at your leaders then you have no SOH. If your leaders can't handle a bit of simple digging, then they have a real problem, too. Long live Rory Bremner, John Bird and John Fortune! 



I didn't actually see the bushbaby jokes before Adam deleted the post, but from what was written I think I saw them in another forum.

Check this out...

http://www.zug.com/pranks/senator/


----------



## Jaco

Good link!!!!!!!       

OUR esteemed president wants to loan the next door chap, Bob, who would even put Hitler & Mussolini to shame a couple of million $ to pay his debt.

No doubt this will end up in his Swiss bank account.

I dont see BushBaby attacking this person (and his country) for his blatant disregard for human rights and running his country into the ground. MAYBE, its because he does not have any OIL!!!!!


----------



## Alf

Chaps,

It has nothing to do with political jokes, and everything to do with the moderating stance of not discussing politics on this forum. Essentially we look like total plonkers if one of the moderators posts a political post of any sort when we're busy telling you folks not to do it. #-o And why do we ask you folks not to do it? Simply because one political comment can escalate all too quickly into an argument, which in turn can all too easily spill over onto the rest of the board, leading to bad feeling, unhappiness and a general Cucumbering up of the good vibe we've all worked hard to achieve here. Personally I take the view you can type any kind of drivel you like in this thread - very little of which I find amusing - but as soon as a "joke" starts getting "discussed" you can assume moderating action is on the cards. We don't want to know your political opinions, we don't care if you're left, right or centre. I personally do not want to think "why should I give woodworking advice to that right-wing/liberal/left-wing toss-pot", so *I don't want to know*. Go and find a political forum; there are plenty available. Now stop mucking up yet another of my Sunday afternoons by making me explain this AGAIN. :roll:

Cheers, Alf
Moderator

P.S. No hard feelings, I hope. :wink:


----------



## Anonymous

I concur Alf - this isn't a forum for political discussion, and if the original posting (which I didn't see) led to that then it was right to be deleted. I still think there are some excellent political jokes around though - we have several of them living in central London :wink:


----------



## Adam

The post was two parts, a political moan, and a political joke. I meant to post in the political joke - not the other bit. Had it been only the joke (which was about Presidents and changing light bulbs) it would have been fine. As it was, the political moan wasn't a joke. (well, in fact it sort of was, as it came through on my weekly jokes - but I could see how you could interpret it the other way).

So.. stop worrying everyone. Its deleted!

Adam


----------



## Jaco

Aw, come on Adam, re-post that last bit!

At this rate we will have the blondes sending us to hell, as well as the Ossies and a whole lot of other nationalities. 
(Lets not forget the Irish.)

Cheers


----------



## Travis Byrne

Ten years on a deserted island
A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!", he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. 

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!" 

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?" 

He replies, "Ten years!" 

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. 

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!" 

Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?" 

And the man replies, "Wow! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

Travis


----------



## Adam

Excerpts from the Edinburgh Fringe 2005

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

- Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.

- Jimmy Carr

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm
bears.

- Chris Addison at the Pleasance

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

- Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be
sh*tting herself.

- Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I
was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me
to sleep at night.

- Susan Murray at the Underbelly

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?

- Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.

- Susan Murray at the Underbelly

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, 
because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite
flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening..
Self-raising?"

- Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and
punched someone in the face.

- Jeremy Limb, at the Trap

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought
the obvious one was "Shout For Help". 

- Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the
Girl out of Cork...

- Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned
out it was a bloody hoax.

- Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

- Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The
hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join
the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a
plumber".

- Steven Alan Green at C34

Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.

- Brendon Burns at the Pleasance

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already
got one!"

- Norman Lovett at The Stand

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.

- Chris Addison at the Pleasance

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation
- but I'm not very good at it.

- Arnold Brown at The Stand

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel,
then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're
trained for that.


----------



## Adam

DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite
tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another
song you like and hum that instead.

CINEMA goers: Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by
having a p*ss before the film starts.

RAPPERS: Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by
actually speaking clearly in the first place.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your
identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with
your old bank statements.

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking
red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to
remove the stains.

SOLDIERS: Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial
tomfoolery after a trip to Truprint.

MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it
to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

BURGLARS: When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm
sticking out at 90?, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their
dogs on you.

EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the
CVs into the bin.

MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to
the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save
your wife from having to do it.

GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself
by Royal Mail.

BANGING: two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a
very small horse is approaching.

BLIND PEOPLE: Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by
not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

ALCOHOL: makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn
and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send
them on their way.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving
everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the
morning, simply move it all back again.

CAR thieves: Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the
valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

DEPRESSED people: Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for
help',simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.

MOTORISTS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst
driving.
Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think
you are listening to the sea.

JEREMY Beadle: When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in
your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser
disks.

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

SINGLE men: Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing
outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and
occasionally glancing inside.

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg
into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph.
After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

ALCOHOLICS: don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the
pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

McDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend
in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

And the absolute belter for last

WOMEN: Don't waste energy faking 0rgasms. Most men couldn't give a s**t
anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after
wards


----------



## Jaco

1) Project Manager is a Person who thinks Nine women can deliver a baby in one month. 

2) Construction manager is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month. 

2) Controls manager is one who asks if the baby is in the budget (and if it saves money to adopt).

3) Project Engineer is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available. 

4) Section engineer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a baby. 

5) Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby. 

6) Engineering are still figuring out how to produce a baby. 

7) Procurement Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources. 

8) DCG Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months. 

9) Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce a baby. 

10) Site Engineers don’t care...they just want the woman!!!.


----------



## Jaco

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students
>> >"Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young
>> >lady,
>>how
>> >would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
>> "Just a minute, I have to go water.
>> >"That would be rude and impolite!!! What about you John, how would
>> >you
>>say
>> >it?""I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be
>> >right back.
>> >
>> >"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom
>> >at the table.
>> >
>> >And you Little Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once
>> >and show us your good manners?"
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have
>> >to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll
>> >get to meet
>>after
>> >supper."


----------



## Jaco

A Jo'burg taxi driver runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a cop. 

He thinks he's smarter than the cop, and knowing there's a non-existent conviction rate for taxi drivers, decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the same time. 

Cop says: "License please." 

Taxi driver says: "What for?" 

Cop: "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign " 

Taxi driver: "I slowed down, and no one was coming." 

Cop: "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License please." 

Taxi driver: "What's the difference?" 

Cop: "The difference is you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License please!" 



Taxi driver says: "Heish ... if you can show me the difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket." 



Cop says: "Exit your vehicle, sir." 



The taxi driver gets out of his taxi and at this point, the cop takes out his truncheon and starts beating the ever-loving rubbish out of the taxi driver and says: "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"


----------



## Jaco

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.

To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's
and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the
reception room and generally kicking the dung out of each other. The
police get called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The
fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm
with the use of his gavel, shouting, 'Silence in court!'

The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says,
'Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain
what happened.'

The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his
explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan
wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.

The judge says, 'OK.'

'Well,' said Paddy, 'after I had finished the first dance, the music
kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that
the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a
sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride
an unmerciful kick right between her legs.'

Shocked, the judge instantly responded, 'G0d, that must have hurt!'

'Hurt?' Paddy replies. 'He broke three of my fingers!'


----------



## Drew

Donald Rumsfeld gives the President his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident'

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!" 

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands. 

Finally, the President looks up and asks.......... 

'How many is a Brazillian ??!'


----------



## Gill

This one was sent to me by a friend.

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"

I then said "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.


----------



## WoodPecker

Very good (Last post I mean)



> The Gerry Ryan radio show (Irish Radio Talk Show, Gerry Ryan thinks he's a budding Howard Stern but fails miserably and he can be quite irritating) were holding
> competition (for one hour only) for the listeners best jokes. The
> prize
> was a sun holiday for two, for one week.
> Because of the time restraint Gerry was rushing the entrants to try
> and
> get as many callers as possible to air their jokes.
> One Dublin bloke rang in with only 5 mins to the end of the show...
>
> Caller: "An amazing thing happened to me recently. I had just bought a
> top of the range 67,000 pounds worth of Mercedes Benz.
> I was thrilled with the car. It had every extra. Revolving wheels,
> see-through windscreen, power assisted ash-tray, It was fully loaded."
>
> Gerry: "That's very nice but, have you got a joke to tell or what?
>
> Caller: "Hang on will you. You'll really love this; I drove out from
> the
> dealer and was driving down the road, when I noticed that there was no
> radio in the car. Can you imagine that?
> No feckin' radio in a car that cost me nearly seventy grand! So I
> turned
> right around and headed back."
>
> Gerry: "Get on with it will you, I've only a couple of minutes left
> and
> we've to squeeze in an ad break too."
>
> Caller: "Relax. I guarantee you this is brilliant. So anyway, I go
> back
> to the salesman and ask him where's the bleedin' radio and that it
> better not be extra.
> He started laughing and told me that there was, in fact, state of the
> art voice activated radio fitted in the car. He showed me how it
> worked.
> It was UNBELIEVABLE!
> All you have to do is say 'radio on' and it turns on, radio off' and
> it
> turns off. It's bleedin' magic. You say 'Ballads' and it plays
> Ballads,.
> 'Rock 'n' Roll' and a rock & roll station comes on. I've never seen
> anything like it."
>
> Gerry: "You're wasting our feckin' time here, I'll have to move on and
> try to fit in a quickie before the end of the show."
>
> Caller: "Hang on Gerry I'm nearly finished."
>
> Ger ry: "Just finish it will you."
>
> Caller: "So I drove off again even happier than earlier on. Then you
> won't believe what happened. This silly person passed me on the outside and
> clipped my bumper on his way back in.
> 'Stupid B0ll*x!' I shouted and you'll never guess what happened."
>
> Gerry: "What happened?"
>
> Caller: "The Gerry Ryan Show came on the feckin' radio."
>
> The caller was cut-off....


----------



## Gill

*THE SENILITY PRAYER*

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.


----------



## martyn2

A Polish man married an American girl after he had been in the United States a year or so; &, although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. Until 1day he rushed into a lawyer's office & asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him -- "very quick."

The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, & asked him the following questions:

LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"

POLE: "Yah, Yah, an acre & half & a nice little home w/3 bedrooms."

LAWYER: "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

POLE: "It is made of concrete, brick, & mortar," he responded.

LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"

POLE: "No," he replied, "we have a 2-car carport, & have never really needed one."

LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?"

POLE: "All my relations are in Poland."

LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

POLE: "Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set & DVD player w/5.1 sound. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

LAWYER: "No, I mean does your wife beat you up?"

POLE: "NO, I'm always up before her."

LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?"

POLE: "NO, she white."

LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?"

POLE: "She going to kill me." !

LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"

POLE: "I got proof.

LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"

POLE: "She going to poison me.. She buy a bottle @the drug store & put on shelf in bathroom. I can read -- it says, 'Polish Remover'


martyn


----------



## chiba

While suffering the agonies of impending death, a man suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite cheese scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were dozens of his favourite cheese scones. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, he could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest scone at the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife . . . . . . .

"B-gger Off!!" she said, "They're for the funeral."


----------



## Adam

> It's a few minutes before Sunday service.

> Without warning, Satan appears at the front of the church. Everyone

starts

> screaming and running for an exit, trampling on each other in a bid to 

> escape evil incarnate. Everyone except for one elderly gentleman, that 

> is. He sits calmly, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's 

> ultimate enemy was in front of him.

> Satan walks right up to the old man and says: "Don't you know who I am?"

> The man replies: "Yep, sure do."

> "Aren't you afraid?" Satan asks.

> "Nope, sure ain't," says the old man.

> "Do you know I can kill you with a single word?" asks Satan.

> "Don't doubt it for a minute," retorts the old man, in an even tone.

> "Don't you realise that I could cause you profound, horrifying agony for

> all eternity?" persists Satan.

> "Yep," is the calm reply. "And yet you're still not afraid?"

> "No."

> Pertubed, Satan asks: "Well why aren't you afraid of me?" The old man

looks

> Satan right in the eye and calmly replies: "Been married to your 

> sister for 52 years."


----------



## frank

adam it a cracker    :lol: :lol: :lol: :wink: 

frank


----------



## Knot Competent

Did you see that Elton John has written a tribute song to dear old Ronnie Barker - 

"Four Candles in the Wind"


----------



## DaveL

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.......... "HEBREWS"


----------



## Adam

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." 

I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" 

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. 

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. 

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9

times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos=MIDNITE! RIGHT! HaHaHa)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight". 

He didn't seem pineappled off at all. 

Whew! Got away with that one! 

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." 

When I asked him why?, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh. FU**.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."


----------



## Jaco

Question: What is really the oldest profession in the world? Answer: Traffic cop. Why? It says in Genesis 3:4 " ... and I saw the evil spirit standing behind a bush"


----------



## Jaco

Three men are sitting in the maternity ward of a hospital
waiting for the imminent birth of their respective children.
One is an Australian, one a South African and the other a
West Indian. They are all very nervous and pacing the floor
- as you do in these situations. All of a sudden the doctor
bursts through the double doors saying "Gentlemen you won't
believe this but your wives have all had their babies within
5 minutes of each other."
The men are beside themselves with happiness and joy.
"And", said the doctor, "They have all had little boys."
The fathers are ecstatic and congratulate each other over and over.
"However we do have one slight problem," the doctor said.
"In all the confusion we may have mixed the babies up
getting them to the nursery and would be grateful if you
could join us there to try and help identify them." 
With that the South African raced passed the doctor and bolted to
the nursery. Once inside he picked up a dark skinned
infant with dreadlocks saying, "there's no doubt about it,
this boy is mine!" The doctor looked bewildered and said, 
"Well sir of all the babies I would have thought that
maybe this child could be of West Indian descent."
"That's a maybe", said the South African, "but one of the other two is
an Aussie and I'm not taking the risk."


----------



## Jaco

A college student at a football game challenged a senior citizen sitting next to him, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his. "You grew up in a different world," the student said... loud enough for the whole crowd to hear. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, man has walked on the Moon, our spaceships have visited Mars, we even have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing ... and uh.." 
Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the geezer said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them, you little twit! What the hell are you doing for the next generation??" 

Ya Gotta Love Senior Citizen


----------



## Jaco

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation,
died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur,
"Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have
changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone
you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said "I want to hang
out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and
introduced him to God.

Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman"
God said, "Ah, yes."
Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some
major design flaws in your invention.

1. There! 's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust. And finally,
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold
on." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words
and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper
and God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,"
God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are
riding my invention than yours."


----------



## CHJ

LENA starts work at a NORTHERN MINNESOTA FACTORY!


There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me 
Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. Well, Lena 
is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first 
day promptly at 0800. The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the 
personnel manager's door. The foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. 
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself so the 
two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line 
is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmos all over the factory 
floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line 
stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmos.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. 
The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, 
wraps it around two marbles, and begins to carefully sew the little 
package between Elmo's legs. The personnel manager bursts into 
laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 
"but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday. 
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles


----------



## CHJ

A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few 
words as possible. It had to contain the following three things:


1) Religion 2) Sexuality 3) Mystery.

There was only one A+ paper in the entire class.


Below is the A+ short story:








Good God, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it.


----------



## Gill

West Virginia's worst air disaster occurred when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two West Virginia University students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today in Morgantown.

Mountaineer search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.


----------



## dedee

That short story reminds me of an even shorter essay written on the subject of "The Future for Coal". 

The essaist penned just one word............Smoke






Andy


----------



## trevtheturner

.... and the after dinner speaker was introduced to his audience to speak about sex. He stood and began, "It gives me great pleasure...." then sat down again.

Cheers,

Trev.


----------



## Jaco

Man speaking to his daughter upon her graduation from college:

He: "You shore have growed!"

She: "Grown, papa."

He: "Whut?"

She: "Grown, papa!"

He, looking puzzled: "Ooooooooooaaaahhhh!"


----------



## CHJ

Food for thought:

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2 A day without sunshine is like, night.

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

4. I just got lost in thought. It wasn't familiar territory.

5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

9. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

10. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

12. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

13. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

14. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

15. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.

16. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

17. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

18. Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!

19. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

20. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

21. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

22. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

23. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

24. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

25. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

26. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

27. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

28. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

29. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

30. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

31. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

32. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

33. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

34. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

35. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

36. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering ‘what happened?

37. Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

38. Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


----------



## LyNx

nice on CHJ


----------



## Jaco

A young blonde woman is asked out on a date and accepts. The boy picks
her up and they go to a nearby carnival in town. They ride a few rides,
play a few games, and seem to be generally hitting it off well. During a
sort of romantic lull, however, the boy says, "What do you want to do now?"

"I want a weigh," she says.

Well, OK, thinks the boy. They walk over to the fortune scales, and weigh
her. They play a few more games and stop for foods.

"What do you want to do now?" asks the boy again.

"I want a weigh," she says.

Hmmm, a little odd but I'll put up with it, thinks the boy. Again they
get her weight and fortune.

After yet another few games and an exquisite fireworks show, the boy
repeats, "What do you want to do now?"

"I want a weigh," she says.

Damn, thinks the boy, she's just too weird for me. They get her weight
and fortune, and the boy drives her home.

As she walks into the house, her sister asks, "How'd your date go?"

"Wousy," says the girl.


----------



## Jaco

What retired people do

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their
days interesting.
Well for example, the other day I went into town and went to a shop in High
street.
I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a cop
writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on mate, how about giving a senior citizen
a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi
turnip.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.
So I called him a piece of stinking dog dung.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't give a dung. I came into town by bus.
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at
my age.


----------



## frank

a little old irish chap goes to the doctors and tells him that he cant go to the toilet as he is bunged up .
the doctors tells him to drop his pants and to bend over the couch 
the doctors puts on a pair of gloves and gets his forceps and starts poking about for a bit and pulls out a tenner ,he pokes about some more and starts pulling out 20s and 50s .the irish chap says dont stop doc keep going 
after a while he cant find anymore so he starts to count it 
he tells the chap it comes to £1995.
the little irish guy says i thought i wasn't feeling to grand .

frank


----------



## Sawdust

An old guy goes to see his doctor.

He says, "doctor, there's something seriously wrong with me and it's worrying me sick, can you help me."

The doctor asks him to explain the problem.

The old guy says. "Well it's like this, I'm married to a 28 year old nymphomaniac, when we wake up in the morning she wants to make love, when I come home for lunch, we make love before and after and then at night we have to make love three times before we go to sleep."

The doctor is speechless, he looks at the old guy and says, you seem to have the perfect life, every man's dreams, what can possibly be wrong with you?"

The old guy looks worriedly at the doctor and says "The thing is doctor, every time I have a w*nk, I black out"


----------



## Jaco

The Zoo



A man goes to the zoo.When he gets there, there was only a dog.......


It was a shitzu.


----------



## Taffy Turner

Donald Rumsfeld is giving George W Bush his daily briefing and tells him 
that three Brazilian soldiers have been killed in Iraq.

George says "that's absolutely terrible", and is lost for words, and 
holds his head in his hands for several minutes.

His staff are amazed at the response, and the whole room stays silent.

Finally George lifts his head from the table and says:

"Exactly how many is a brazillion????


----------



## Jaco

How it happened 


The wife comes home early & finds her husband in their master bedroom
making love to a beautiful, sexy young lady!

"You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing? How dare you
do this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm
leaving this house, I want a divorce!"

The husband replies "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least
listen to what happened"

"Hummmmm, I don't know, well it'll be the last thing I will hear from
you. But make it fast, you unfaithful pig you"

The husband begins to tell his story . . . "While driving home this
young lady asks for a ride. I saw her so defenseless that I went ahead
and allowed her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well
dressed and very dirty. She mentioned that she had not eaten for 3
days. With great compassion and hurt, I brought her home and warmed up
the enchiladas that I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat
because you're afraid you'll gain weight; the poor thing, practically
devours them. Since she was very dirty I asked her to take a shower.

While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of
holes so I threw her clothes away. Since she needed clothes, I gave
her the pair of jeans that you have had for a few years, that you can
no longer wear because they are too tight on you, I also gave her the
blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I
don't have good taste. I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you
for Christmas that you will not wear just to bother my sister and I
also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that
you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same
pair."

The husband continues his story . . . . 

"The young woman was very grateful to me and I walked her to the door.


When we got to the door she turned around and with tears coming out of
her eyes, she asks me:

"Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use.........


----------



## Freetochat

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device.. a vibrator!

Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic.

"You impotent turnip," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years?

You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

"I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."


----------



## RogerS

An old guy is roadtesting his sports car and blasting down the motorway and decides to give the car a bit more wellie. As he's hurtling down the motorway well in excess of the speed limit he drives past a policecar that immediately starts to give chase.

So there's the old guy thinking I can soon lose him and accelerates even faster. The police car, lights flashing, keeps pace with him. Sanity takes over and the old guy says to himself 'I'm getting too old for this' and so pulls over to the side of the road. 

The policecar pulls in behind him and the policeman gets out and says to the old guy "I'm going offduty in 10 minutes, sir. If you can come up with an excuse that I've not heard before then I'll let you go".

So the old guy says to the policeman "Well, officer. My wife left me two weeks ago to shack up with one of you lot and I thought that you were trying to bring her back".

The policeman replied "Have a good night, sir"


----------



## Jaco

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED

1. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jello to a tree.
2. There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take the time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.
3. One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
4. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of their tyres.
5. Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.
6. Families are like fudge, mostly sweet with a few nuts.
7. Laughing helps. It’s like jogging on the inside.
8. My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
9. If you can remain calm, you just don’t have all the facts.
10. You know you are getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.


----------



## Jaco

Why men are so cool

Everything on our face stays the same colour.
We can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
Tree pairs of shoes are more than enough.
Car mechanics tell us the truth.
We can quietly watch a ball game with a buddy for hours without ever thinking, “He must be mad at me”.
Same work ….. More pay.
We can drop by a friend without having to bring a little gift.
If another guy shows up at a party in the same outfit, we might just become lifelong friends.
Our friends can be trusted to never trap us with “So, do you notice anything different?”
We are unable to see wrinkles in our clothes.

Why woman are so cool

We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
If we marry someone 30 years younger, we’re aware we look like an silly person.
There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
We’ll never regret piercing our ears.
We can fully assess a person by just looking at their shoes.
We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence, because they aren’t listening anyway.


----------



## Gill

They're not having any Christmas decorations in Vietnam this year - instead, they're just hanging glitter.


----------



## tim

Two terrorists in a camping shop trying on rucksacks.

One turns to the other and asks:"Does my bomb look big in this?"

Cheers

Tim


----------



## DaveL

Man: God?

God: Yes!?

Man: Can I ask you something?

God: Yes.

Man: What, for you, is a million years? 

God: One second.

Man: And a million dollars?

God: A euro.

Man: God, Can you give me a euro?

God: Wait a second!


----------



## Jaco

Eternal Truths

- Once over the hill, you pick up speed.
- Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
- If the shoe fits …. Buy it in every colour.
- If you’re too open minded, your brains will fall out.
- If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
- Some days are a total waste of makeup. 
- Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
- A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. 
- Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
- Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.


----------



## Jaco

Bird Flu Symptoms
The Centre for Disease Control has released a list of 
symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the 
following, please seek medical treatment immediately:

1. High fever 
2. Congestion 
3. Nausea 
4. Fatigue 
5. Aching in the joints 
6. An irresistible urge to rubbish on someone's windscreen


----------



## CHJ

Why, Why, Why ?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are 
Always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their 
Vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, and then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't! we say, "That hurt, you stupid silly person?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every 
Four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.


----------



## Gill

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2005, WHEN... 


1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave. 

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of four. 

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. 

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that 
they don't have e-mail addresses. 

6. You go home after a long day at work and still answer the phone in a 
business manner. 

7. You make phone calls from home and accidentally dial "9" to get an 
outside line. 

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three 
different companies. 

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news. 

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job. 

12 You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if 
anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries. 

13. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the 
screen. 

14. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn't have 
for the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic 
and you turn around to go and get it. 

15. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee. 

16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. 

17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing. 

18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this 
message. 

19. You are too busy to notice there was no number 9 on this list. 

20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a number 9 
on this list. 

AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING AT YOURSELF.


----------



## Jaco

ASTROSIGNS

What’s your sign? Not astrological, but business. A new sign chart doing the rounds offer fresh insight into the character of your colleagues.

MARKETING

You are ambitious but stupid. You choose a marketing degree to avoid studying in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socialising, which is pretty much what you do know.

SALES

Laziest of all signs. Unless someone calls and begs you to take their money, you avoid contact with customers to “concentrate on the big picture”. You seek admiration for your golf game.

TECHNOLOGY

Unable to control your personal life, you like to control everything at your workplace. Even you sometimes don’t understand what you are saying.

ENGINEERING

One of only two signs that studied in school. You’re happy by yourself; your office is full of the latest ergodynamic gadgets. 

ACCOUNTING

The other sign that studied. You are immune to office politics and are the most feared person in the company.

HUMAN RESOURCES

Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you are the biggest gossip in the company. Possibly the only person who does less work than sales, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch and mail a letter.

MIDDLE MANAGEMENT

Catty, cutthroat yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain in your current job forever. Unable to make decisions, you measure your worth by the number of meetings you schedule for yourself. You’re likely to marry another middle manager because everyone in your social circle is one.

SENIOR MANAGEMENT

See above.



CONSULTANT

You use acronyms to avoid revealing your lack of experience. You have convinced yourself your “skills” are in demand and you could get a higher paying job with any company in a heartbeat. You’ll never do it.

CEO

You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems like the fax machine suggests the latter.

PUBLIC SERVANT

You are highly inventive, mainly in finding ways to take time off. You suffer from deep depression and often commit crimes while on the job.


----------



## Jaco

A BLONDE DAY

Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to see
where the sun went ? It finally dawned on here.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The
brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie". The
blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the
wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: Do you know where you were going?
Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the
people were leaving.


There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a
redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the
mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced,
"I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles,
and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and
she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if
she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland
than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The
redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam
out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was
too tired to go on, so she drowned. 

So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it!
I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles,
ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore
was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So
she swam back.

……………………………………………………………………………….
Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down
and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde looks
and says "Those arn't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No.
Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguing, and one 
half hour later they were both killed by a train.

There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio. 
The announcer was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde 
was mad enough she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw 
another blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped 
her car jumped out and yelled, "You bimbo, it's blondes like you that 
give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and give you 
what's coming to you!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the State
Capitals. She proudly said," go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A red head said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy, 'W'."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------


A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird flying
overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over
her. The blonde says, "Good thing I had my mouth open, or that would've
hit me right in the face!!!" 

Or: "Good thing that cows don't fly.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------


----------



## Jaco

Accountants

Take One 
What is the difference between an accountant and a computer?
The computer has a personality.

Take Two 
What is the difference between one sperm cell and an accountant?
The sperm cell has a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

Take Three 
Husband and wife accountants having a tiff.
She moans “You don’t depreciate me any more!”

Take Four
A lawyer and an accountant were involved in a minor fender bender. Neither was hurt, but both were pretty badly shaken up. As they wait for the police to arrive the lawyer pulls out a hip flask and passes it to the accountant who takes a big gulp to "steady his nerves". The accountant hands it back to the lawyer who caps it and puts it back in his pocket.
The accountant says "Hey, aren't YOU going to have one too?"
The lawyer replies ... 
"Sure, right after the cops leave."

Take Five 
What's the difference between a porcupine and an accountant in a BMW?
The porcupine has the prick on the outside!

Take Six
Two Auditors were walking across Hyde Park when one said, "Where did you get such a great racing bike?" 
The second Auditor replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." 
The second Auditor nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."


----------



## Travis Byrne

I heard this story yesterday.
Two men were talking about how poor they and their family were when they were growing up.
The first man said that his family was the poorest in the town.
The second man said no, this his family was the poorest.
The first man said that his family was so poor that for his Christmas present, he got 2 batteries and a note that said ====Toys not included.
The second man shook his head and walked away.

Travis


----------



## Travis Byrne




----------



## tim

Alaskan Christmas Party


Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years.
Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.


After six months or so, of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, to a huge, bearded man standing there. "Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road.
Having a Christmas party Friday night.... Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."

"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you......be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.
"More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there . Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"

>> > "Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea . "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

"Don't much matter ..... Just gonna be the two of us."


----------



## Gill

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" she asked. "Hunting flies" he responded. "Oh...killing any?" she asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked "How can you tell them apart?" He responded.... 









































3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."


----------



## Steve Maskery

An English ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a small village and
sees a local man sitting on his porch patting his dog.

He figures he'll have some fun, so he says to the Welshman

"Can I talk to your dog?"

Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid git"

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?

Dog: "Doin' alright"

Villager: (Look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (Pointing at the villager)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me

to the lake once a week to play"

Villager: (Look of disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either. I think"

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Villager: (Absolutely dumfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the villager)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me

down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements"

Villager: (Total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Villager: (In a panic) "The sheep's a bloody liar"


----------



## Taffy Turner

Careful Steve - the Taffia are watching you!!!!


----------



## Steve Maskery

Taffy,
I have special dispensation - wifey is from Cardiff and my bro (who told me the joke) lives in Caldicot.


----------



## RogerS

Steve Maskery":p8g5b1gs said:


> I have special dispensation



What? Like the signwriter in Cardiff who put up bilingual signs that said 'Pedestrians Look Right' in English but 'Pedestrians Look Left' in Welsh? :lol:


----------



## Taffy Turner

There was this English bloke driving through Mid Wales when he broke down. 

"Oh no" he thought to himself. "Here I am, miles from anywhere - I'll have to call the AA. Only trouble is round here, if they hear my English accent, they will keep me waiting for hours." He has a little think, and then decides to call the AA, but that he will speak with a false Welsh accent. That way, they will assume that he is local, and respond more promptly.

He calls the AA, and a Welsh girl with a lovely, lilting accent answers. 

"Hello AA - we're the 4th emergency service - how can I help you?"

"Hello bach, I don't know if you can help me but my car has broken down now just, look you!" he says in the best Welsh accent he can muster. 

"No problem" replies the young lady. "Where exactly are you located?" 

"Well, now see, I don't really know bach" replies the Englishman, still putting on the accent. 

"Well, can you see any road signs?" says the young lady. 

"Yes now bach", he replies, "There is a sign by here for some place called Dan Gergoslow" 

She replied "That says Danger Go Slow you stupid English pillock" and put the phone down on him.


----------



## gwaithcoed

Martin wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits up and notices his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Martin looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless and clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!"



So he goes to the kitchen and, sure enough, there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Martin asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 a.m., drunk and delirious. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Martin asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, 'Get your hands off me, b*tch! I'm married!'"





Moral of the Story:

Self-induced hangover... £100

Broken furniture... £2,000

Breakfast... £5

Saying the right thing to your wife when you're drunk... PRICELESS


Alan


----------



## Freetochat

Being British


One of the British daily newspapers is asking readers "What does it
mean to be British?". This suggestion came from an ex pat living in Switzerland ...

"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a
Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American
shows on a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all?

Suspicion of anything foreign!!


----------



## Freetochat

Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton. One smart-ass student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report:

Titanic:..... $29.99
Clinton:..... $29.99

Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton:..... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden 
 love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton:..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden
! love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton:..... Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic:..... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During ordeal, Rose’s dress gets ruined.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton:..... Let's not go there.

Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton:..... Monica's forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
! Clinton:..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton:..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton:..... Bill goes home to Hillary...basically the 
same thing.


----------



## Gill

A recent poll of 2000 women asked if they would sleep with Sven, the England football manager. 

94% replied, "Never again".


----------



## Steve Maskery

In preparation for the 2006 Football World Cup: The "offside rule" explained for women:

You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till.

Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have.
The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire.

Both of you have forgotten your purses.

It would be rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes.

The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.

Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma.

She prepares to throw her purse to you.

If she does so, you can catch the purse, and then walk round the other shopper
and buy the shoes!

At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and, "whilst it is in flight" you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes!


BUT, you must always remember that until the purse has "actually been thrown", it would be plain wrong to be in front of the other shopper!


NOW DO YOU GET IT?!!

Cheers
Steve
(who has never understood offside either!)


----------



## RogerS

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side.

"When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers," he said.

"I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on. When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large."

I told her: "Of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will.?"

Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem.

Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing - took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on. Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them.

"Exactly," replied Jack. "I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that".

Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. "Try these on," she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.

"I can't possibly get into your knickers," said Jack.

"Exactly," replied Jill.

"And if you don't change your bl**dy attitude, you never will."


----------



## martyn2

rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of
Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie"

The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and
cheese toastie.


The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of
Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the
pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the 
toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A pint
of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman"

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie
and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have
been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making 
more money in one week than he did all last year.

In walks the rabbit and says, "A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese
Toastie, please barman", smiling and accepting the tributes of the 
masses.

The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are
right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties"
The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, 
when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a 
very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie"

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like it"

The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.

The barman, with a roguish smile says, "Do you think that I would let
down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it"

"Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion
Toastie"

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the
toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves. NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who
has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his, calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form,
floating above the bar.

The barman says, "Who are you" to which he is answered," I am the ghost

of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house"
The barman says," I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in
every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie,
masses
came to see you and this place was famous"

The rabbit says, "Yes I know"
The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham
and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead"

The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it" The barman 
said "You never came back, after that fateful night, what happened"

"I DIED", said the Rabbit.
"pipper" said the barman," what from".
After a short pause the rabbit said...






Mixing Me Toasties!!!!



I'll get me coat 


martyn


----------



## DaveL




----------



## Richard in Smithville

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." 
The second old guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." 
The first old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like? 
The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big busted, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?" 
The first old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."


----------



## Jaco

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card-table with neckties laid out on it.

The Arab asked, "My thirst is killing me. Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $150. This one goes very nicely with your robes."

The Arab shouted, "silly person! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water!"

"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie, or that you insult me. I will show you that you have not offended me. If you walk over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant.

Go! Walk that way! The restaurant has all the water you need!"

The Arab staggered away toward the hill and eventually disappeared.

Four hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the Jewish man was sitting at his table.

The Jew said, "I told you, about two miles over that hill. Could you not find it?

"I found it all right," rasped the Arab. "Your brother won't let me in without a tie!"


----------



## Jaco

OSAMA AT THE PEARLY GATES

When Osama bin Laden died, he was met at the Pearly Gates by George Washington, who slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare You try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."

James Madison followed, he kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Osama with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.

As Osama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Bin Laden wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"


----------



## Jaco

The Dentist

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they
decide to go the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his
hands.

He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says "Yes---how did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love.

After they have finished, the girl says, "You must be a good

dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist.
How did you figure that out?"

"Didn't feel a thing!"


----------



## Jaco

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian .

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten" .

As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted" and lo and behold Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time went on and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious Cod again and can't believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn.

He begs the cod to change him back, so lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a ####tail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn ####tail - it's much worse). Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed........






I've found Cod, I'm a prawn again Christian.

….


----------



## Jaco

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. 
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog 
said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." 
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed 
to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you 
wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's 
okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. 
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make 
your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women 
will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the 
most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me." 
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world! For her second 
wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, 
"That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will 
be ten times richer than you. " The woman said, "That's okay, because 
what's mine is his, and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the 
richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd 
like a mild heart attack." 

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them. 

Attention female readers: 
This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good. 

Male readers:
Please scroll down. 











The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!! 

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.


----------



## Jaco

God Said, "Adam, I want you to do

something for me."


Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"


God said, "Go down into that valley."


Adam said, "What's a valley?"


God explained it to him.


Then God said, "Cross the river."


Adam said, "What's a river?"


God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."


Adam said, "What is a hill?"


So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.


He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"


Adam said, "What's a cave?"


After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."


Adam said, "What's a woman?"


So God explained that to him, too.


Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."


Adam said, "How do I do that?"


God first said (under his breath), "Geez....."


And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.


So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.


Then, in about five minutes, he was back.


God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"


And Adam said


*



"What's a headache?


----------



## Jaco

Yea right, as if you are the sharpest tool in the workshop.

Yea right, as if you are the brightest bulb in the chandelier.

Yea right, which portrait painter rejected you?

Wonder why the Louvre rejected your portrait?

With a body like that, have you considered leaving it to Medical Research?

With legs like that, did you work at the harbour?

With legs like that, did you work in the railway shunting yard?

Which orphanage expelled you?


----------



## RogerS

How many civil servants does it take to change a light bulb?

"Change? Change? What's change?"


----------



## Jaco

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.

"Hallo Mr Hussein!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy, down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy" Saddam replied "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"


"Right now" said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbour Seamus and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Saddam paused. "I must tell you Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer and Murphy's farm tractor."


Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks

And 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you"

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Harrigan's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 1,000 bombers and 2,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"J, Mary and Joseph!" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back".

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o the mornin', Mr Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war".

"I'm sorry to hear that" said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "We've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints and decided there's no ------n way we can feed two million prisoners."


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## Richard in Smithville

Sad news...

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Kokey" died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.


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## Taffy Turner

Richard in Smithville":261iubvq said:


> Sad news...
> 
> With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Kokey" died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.



For some reason that joke just cracked me up!! I am sitting here laughing out loud, and my boss is looking across at me wondering if I have gone completely bonkers!!!!

Taffy

PS - anyone know of any jobs for a soon-to-be-fired engineer??? :shock:


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## RogerM

Breaking news: There has been an explosion in a Gold Mine in South Africa. Rescuers rushed to the pit and fortunately no one has been killed, but one man had his leg blown of. As he was bought to the surface he cried out "I'm finished. Who on earth will want to take on a one-legged Gold digger like me"!

"Not me" Paul McCartney was heard to mutter.


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## Richard in Smithville

This has been saved in my 'puter for about three years. 

* A few french fries short of a Happy Meal. 
A modest little person, with much to be modest about. -- Churchill 
* A photographic memory, but out of film. 
* A room temperature IQ. 
All the lights don't shine in her marquis. 
All the sex appeal of a wet paper bag. 
Always in the right place, but at the wrong time. 
Always sharpening his sleeping skills. 
An ego like a black hole. 
Attic's a little dusty. 
Bad spot on the disk. 
* Been napping in front of the ion shield again. 
Been playing with his wand too much. 
Been playing with the pharmacy section again. 
Been short on oxygen one time too many. 
Born a day late and like that ever since. 
* Born ugly and built to last. 
* Both oars in the water, but on the same side of the boat. 
Bright as Alaska in December. 
Bubbles in her think tank. 
* Can be outwitted by a jar of Marshmallow Fluff. 
* Cursor's flashing but there's no response. 
Doesn't just know nothing: doesn't even suspect much. 
Donated her body to science... before she was done using it. 
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor / penthouse. 
End of season sale at the cerebral department. -- Gareth Blackstock 
Finds a flat by swapping tires. 
* Fired from McDonald's for having a short attention span. 
* Full throttle, dry tank. 
Gets hypnotized on the despun section. 
Goalie for the dart team. 
Has a one-way ticket on the Disoriented Express. 
Having a party in his head, but no one else is invited. 
He's diagnosable. 
He's in, but he's out to lunch. 
His buffer is full. 
His system administrator is never in. 
If brains were bird droppings, he'd have a clean cage. 
* If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate. 
* If he had half a brain, his butt would be lopsided. 
* If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. 
* If his IQ was two points higher he'd be a rock. 
* If they knock heads, implosion will suck all the air out of the room. 
If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically invulnerable. 
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean. 
In need of a ROM upgrade. 
Lights are on but nobody's home. 
Little red choo-choo's gone chugging 'round the bend / 
jumped the track. 
Living proof that nature does not abhor a vacuum. 
* Mind like a steel sieve. 
Mind like a steel trap -- everything gets mangled / full of mice / 
nothing in, nothing out / rusted shut. 
Missing a few buttons on his remote control. 
No one at the throttle. 
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. 
On the batting end of a no-hitter. 
* One taco short of a combination plate. 
Only one oar in the water. 
Operating in stand-by mode. 
* Ought to have a warning label on his forehead. 
Paralyzed from the neck up. 
Plays solitaire... for cash. 
* Reading from an empty/blank/unformatted disk. 
Renewable energy source for hot air balloons. 
* Result of a first cousin marriage. 
Sat under the ozone hole too long. 
Slept too close to his radium-dial watch. 
* So stupid, mind readers charge her half price. 
* Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled. 
* Someone blew out his pilot light. 
Someone else is doing the driving for that boy. 
Source code is missing a few lines. 
Swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool. 
Switch is on, but no one's receiving. 
Teflon brain -- nothing sticks. 
The going got weird, and he turned pro. 
The twinkle in his eyes is actually the sun shining between his ears. 
Train of thought derailed / still boarding at the station. 
Trying out for the javelin retrieval team. 
* Was first in line for brains, but ended up holding the door open. 
Wasn't strapped in during launch. 
Zero K memory.


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## RogerS

David Beckham and Victoria return from holiday and are being interviewed.

"Well, David...did you have a good holiday?"

"Well..yeah..like...yeah...really great"

"Did you do anything interesting?"

"Well...yeah...like...yeah..yes"

"OK...such as what? Did you have any great meals out?"

"Well...yeah..like..yeah..yes"

"Would you like to tell us about your favourite restaurant?"

"Well..yeah...like..yeah...remind me of a London railway station"

"Paddington?"

"Nah..that's not it"

"Waterloo?"

"Nah....that's not it"

"London Bridge?"

"Nah...that's not it eiver"

"Victoria?"

"Yeah....that's it. 'Ere, Victoria, what woz that restaurant we went to?"


With apologies to David Beckham who does seem a really nice bloke :lol:


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## Alf

Roger Sinden":3t2bwm97 said:


> With apologies to David Beckham who does seem a really nice bloke :lol:


Frighteningly I can't help but agree; possibly not _quite_ so daft as we'd like to think either.

Richard, you might like to add "a sandwich sort of a picnic" and "not the sharpest tack in the box"; two of my favourites. 

Cheers, Alf


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## RogerM

In a similar vein, this has been hiding on my PC for several years.

These are actual bloopers from church bulletins... 

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done. 

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning. 

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy." 

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. 

The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. 

Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow. 

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. 

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. 

Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. 

The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel. 

Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. 

Thursday at 5:00 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study. 

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. 

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa. 

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday. 

Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals." 

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. 

Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time. 

During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit. 

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility. 

This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. 

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."


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## woodbloke

A couple of one liners liners, to be recounted in your very best Tommy Cooper voice:

A man walked into a bar...'Ouch' he said. It was iron bar.

Whats a dwarf Irishman called? Anaemic.

Dreadful, I know - Rob


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## Newbie_Neil

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip in Fuerteventura . After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. 
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." 
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson. 
"And what do you deduce from that?" 
Watson ponders for a minute. 
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that the Lrrd is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?" 
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you silly person!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"


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