# Joke Thread II



## JBaz

Can we please have a thread called "Joke Thread Car Park" so that those who feel the need can discuss their grievances outside, without smashing up the furniture.

Mod edit: You get to start the new Joke thread.


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## Phill05

+1 to that


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## Cozzer

Sits back, grabs popcorn and waits for some rib-ticklers from JBaz and Phill05.








Oh.


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## Myfordman

I say, I say, I say. My dog has got no nose.
No nose, how does he smell?


Terrible!


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## kinverkid

Myfordman said:


> I say, I say, I say. My dog has got no nose.
> No nose, how does he smell?
> 
> 
> Terrible!


It can't. It's got no nose.

Tim Brooke Taylor (I think)


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## SamG340




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## SamG340




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## gwaithcoed

A Dennis Taylor joke.
An English man ,aScotsman, a Welsh man and an Irish man were talking about their children.
The English and said I named my son George as he was born on St. George's day


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## gwaithcoed

Sorry pressed the wrong button but to carry on
The Scotsman said I named my son Patrick as he was born on St. Patrick's day and the Welsh an named hi son David as he was born on St.DVids day
What a coincident said the Irishman the same thing happened to my son Pancake


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## Stan

Superman and Chuck Norris had a fight as a bet. The loser had to wear his pants outside his trousers.


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## Sandyn

I love this one, especially with that lovely Irish accent. 

Probably have to turn the sound on


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## Thingybob

Weh hey jokes


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## SamG340

Sandyn said:


> I love this one, especially with that lovely Irish accent.
> 
> Probably have to turn the sound on



Hahaha !


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## Linus




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## dzj




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## SamG340




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## MorrisWoodman12

This is novel: a joke thread with actual jokes. The joke thread is dead: long live the joke thread.


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## swisstony




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## Craywater

gwaithcoed said:


> Sorry pressed the wrong button but to carry on
> The Scotsman said I named my son Patrick as he was born on St. Patrick's day and the Welsh an named hi son David as he was born on St.DVids day
> What a coincident said the Irishman the same thing happened to my son Pancake


Crempog am enw?


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## Stan

Chuck Norris CAN divide by zero.


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## gwaithcoed

Crampon am enw. Welsh name for Pancake


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## Tris

My old man was known as 'Spider', not because he was agile, he always needed helping out of the bath


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## gwaithcoed

A woman hitting her first shot on the first tee at her local golf club hit a severe hook and although she shouted Fore she was horrified to see the ball flying towards a group of men playing down the 18th fairway.


There was a yell of pain and she saw one of the men fall to the ground clutching his groin.

She ran towards him saying how sorry she was and that she could help him as she was a qualified nurse.

Despite his protest she gently pulled away his hands, undid his belt, unzipped his flies and began to massage his groin area.

Does that feel better she asked after a while.

It feels great he said but the ball hit me on the end of my thumb


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## Stan

The vicar, the village doctor and the local magistrate were playing golf one fine afternoon.

The vicar took a swing but did not connect. "Bu**er, I missed" he exclaimed. The others raised their eyebrows in shock, but being gentlemen, made no comment.

At the next tee, exactly the same thing happened.
"I say, vicar", said the magistrate. "Is that wise?"

A couple of tees later and it happened yet again.
"Bu**er, I missed", the vicar shouted.
Suddenly, a lightning bolt flashed down and a tree ten yards away burst into flame.
"Bu**er, I missed" a deep voice rumbled in the clouds.


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## dangles

Teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

“Human beings are the only animals that stutter,” she says.

A little girl raises her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.”

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary" said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Ffffff!" but before she could say "F*#k Off!", the Rottweiler ate her!"


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## SamG340




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## jcassidy

Two hydrogen atoms in a bar, drowning their sorrows.
"I think i lost an electron" says one. 
"You sure?"
Yes, I'm positive!"

A neutron got into a fight and ended up in the local clink. "I want to charge him with public disorder", says the copper. 
"Don't be stupid!" says the Sergeant. "You can't charge a neutron"

A muon gets done for speeding and opts to go to court. "It can't possibly have been me, Yer Honour!" he says, "At any one time one can detect my position OR momentum, but not both!"


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## jcassidy

A pair of oxygen molocules are drinking in a bar with hydrogen, when Hydrogen asks, "Do you wanna hang out with Deuterium?"

"Naw man, he make everything so f##king heavy, dude"


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## Pedronicus




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## Keith Cocker

I’m waiting for JOKE THREAD III. I’m sure it will be even funnier.


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## shed9




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## Linus




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## Linus

We wish!


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## Cordy

A Man washed up on a Beach after a Shipwreck.
Only a Sheep and a Sheepdog were washed-up with him.
After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a Deserted Island.
After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the Beach every evening to watch the Sunset.
One particular evening, the Sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the Sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the Sheep and put his arm around it.
The Sheepdog, ever-protective of the Sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the Sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the Sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed-by and, lo and behold, there was another Shipwreck.
The only survivor was Nicola Sturgeon.
That evening, the Man brought Nicola to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again.
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nicola and told her he hadn't had sex for months.
Nicola batted her Eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him..????
He said,
"Nicola, can you please take the Dog for a Walk"


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## gwaithcoed

A woman drove to the pub to pick up her drunk husband
On the way back the car stopped and they could not get it started again.
She rang the AA and after a while got it going again.
The drunk husband then got out of the car and slurred Hey hey Mr. AA man what was the problem.

S**t in the carburettor he said.
Oh ok he said and how often should I do that?

Alan


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## Thingybob




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## MikeK

This is a not so gentle reminder...no adult jokes or images are allowed anywhere on UKW. Since creating this new thread, it has been moderated several times to prune the inappropriate material. 

I would recommend don't post anything you wouldn't want your Nan to see, but I have met some scary Nans. Please use a bit of common sense when posting here and be mindful of the extended audience.


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## Fidget




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## dzj




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## Linus




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## Keith Cocker

Cordy said:


> A Man washed up on a Beach after a Shipwreck.
> Only a Sheep and a Sheepdog were washed-up with him.
> After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a Deserted Island.
> After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the Beach every evening to watch the Sunset.
> One particular evening, the Sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
> As they sat there, the Sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the Sheep and put his arm around it.
> The Sheepdog, ever-protective of the Sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the Sheep.
> After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the Sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
> A few weeks passed-by and, lo and behold, there was another Shipwreck.
> The only survivor was Nicola Sturgeon.
> That evening, the Man brought Nicola to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze perfect for a night of romance.
> Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again.
> He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nicola and told her he hadn't had sex for months.
> Nicola batted her Eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him..????
> He said,
> "Nicola, can you please take the Dog for a Walk"




Wotchit!! I quite fancy Nicola Sturgeon


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## artie

Keith Cocker said:


> Wotchit!! I quite fancy Nicola Sturgeon


Deviations like that have no place on a family forum.


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## IZZY

Keith Cocker said:


> Wotchit!! I quite fancy Nicola Sturgeon


Never mind, I'm sure it will wear off .


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## John Brown

dzj said:


> View attachment 130840


You won't believe what Methuselah looks like at 969 years old!


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## bushwhaker

An elderly man was on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, a famous surgeon.
Just before they put him under, he asked to speak to his son:
"Don’t be nervous, boy, just do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your family."

---

Teacher: Use the words harassment to make a sentence.
Little Johnny: I dated this girl and her-ass-meant a lot to me.

---

What do you call a bedpan in Russia?
A Poo-tin


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## ElizaTea




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## dzj

John Brown said:


> You won't believe what Methuselah looks like at 969 years old!


Yeah, "But who calls dat livin'..."


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## J-G

dzj said:


> But who calls dat livin'...


When no gal'll give in ...


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## kinverkid




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## John Brown

The best rhyme? He made his home in that fish's abdomen...


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## Suffolkboy




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## Jameshow

Suffolkboy said:


> View attachment 130903


You stole that joke from me in joke thread one...slat for slat ..!!!


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## Suffolkboy

Jameshow said:


> You stole that joke from me in joke thread one...slat for slat ..



pipper! 

Sorry Jameshow. I recieved it in a Whatsapp group and was so keen to get it on here I didn't realise I had been beaten to it.


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## TRITON

In light of the tracksaw versus the saw bench thread(s)


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## Pedronicus




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## Doug B




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## Linus

IZZY said:


> Never mind, I'm sure it will wear off .





Cordy said:


> A Man washed up on a Beach after a Shipwreck.
> Only a Sheep and a Sheepdog were washed-up with him.
> After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a Deserted Island.
> After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the Beach every evening to watch the Sunset.
> One particular evening, the Sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
> As they sat there, the Sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the Sheep and put his arm around it.
> The Sheepdog, ever-protective of the Sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the Sheep.
> After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the Sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
> A few weeks passed-by and, lo and behold, there was another Shipwreck.
> The only survivor was Nicola Sturgeon.
> That evening, the Man brought Nicola to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze perfect for a night of romance.
> Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again.
> He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nicola and told her he hadn't had sex for months.
> Nicola batted her Eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him..????
> He said,
> "Nicola, can you please take the Dog for a Walk"


I did hear tell that whilst at university her nickname was "seaweed" because not even the tide would take her out.


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## Phil Pascoe

Suffolkboy said:


> pipper!
> 
> Sorry Jameshow. I recieved it in a Whatsapp group and was so keen to get it on here I didn't realise I had been beaten to it.



Several times.


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## mikej460

Doug B said:


> View attachment 130921


I kid you not this was exactly like my first car at 17 years old, the transfers, the colour and it was LHD. I bought the car for £45 from my cousin who brought it over from Germany and then added the transfers when Herbie was all the rage in 1974.


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## Suffolkboy

Phil Pascoe said:


> Several times.


Go on. Rub it in!


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## Keith Cocker

Phil Pascoe said:


> Several times.


As we all know “A Virgin Sturgeon needs no urgin”


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## kinverkid




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## Jameshow

Suffolkboy said:


> Go on. Rub it in!


Not rubbing it in, just a joke about another joke that was taken apparently word for word pages before ....


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## dzj




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## gwaithcoed

mechanic walks in to a pub with a set of jump leads over his shoulder.
Barman says i'll serve you but don't bloody well start anything

Alan.


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## Blackswanwood




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## dzj




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## kinverkid




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## Pedronicus




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## gwaithcoed

Q. Why is Mexicos Olympic team so poor.


A. Anyone who can run,jump or swim are already in the States.


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## shed9

gwaithcoed said:


> Q. Why is Mexicos Olympic team so poor.
> 
> 
> A. Anyone who can run,jump or swim are already in the States.


I'll go and get the popcorn just in case......


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## Sandyn

TRITON said:


> In light of the tracksaw versus the saw bench thread(s)
> View attachment 130914


Even Jimi Hendrix got in on the argument!!


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## dangles

Two men, one old, one young, are pushing their trolleys around Asda when they collide. The old man says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old man says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her what does she look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra, Long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?
To which the old man says, "Doesn't matter, let's look for yours!


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## Linus

Bloke down the pub says the increased petrol prices don't bother him as he always only puts £20 worth in!!!!


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## Jones

Linus said:


> Bloke down the pub says the increased petrol prices don't bother him as he always only puts £20 worth in!!!!


Yes but this modern petrol is rubbish, I remember when £20 worth would last a whole week now it's only a couple of days.


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## Phil Pascoe

I remember when you could have filled eight or nine cars from empty for that.


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## Sandyn

When I were a lad, I would get up at 1am, walk 100 miles to the local docks with my £20 and buy a tanker full of oil, drag it 100 miles back to the farm and spend the afternoon heating it in an old hot water tank, but I got 8 million gallons for my £20!


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## Henniep

Linus said:


> Bloke down the pub says the increased petrol prices don't bother him as he always only puts £20 worth in!!!!


Petrol to work cost me 400 four years ago. Still does.......I just take more sick leave!


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## Paul The Bassman

Keith Cocker said:


> Wotchit!! I quite fancy Nicola Sturgeon


Baaaaaa!


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## Sachakins

To improve my fuel economy I threw out all the excess weight, especially the mother in law.
Great idea, but maybe should've stopped the car first!


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## Jameshow

Sandyn said:


> When I were a lad, I would get up at 1am, walk 100 miles to the local docks with my £20 and buy a tanker full of oil, drag it 100 miles back to the farm and spend the afternoon heating it in an old hot water tank, but I got 8 million gallons for my £20!


Was Noah just about loaded by any chance?!!


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## Jameshow

Toys R Us Wooden Tablesaw Toy Workshop 27 pc Tools Workbench #AD16099 1120 | eBay


Find many great new & used options and get the best deals for Toys R Us Wooden Tablesaw Toy Workshop 27 pc Tools Workbench #AD16099 1120 at the best online prices at eBay! Free delivery for many products!



www.ebay.co.uk




For some reason my new table saw isn't cutting!


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## IZZY

Phil Pascoe said:


> I remember when you could have filled eight or nine cars from empty for that.


When an apprentice in the 60's petrol was 4/11p a gallon but on £4.00 a week and in digs I could only afford 1/2 gallon a week for my M/cycle. it's always seemed expensive.


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## Linus




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## Cozzer

Sandyn said:


> Even Jimi Hendrix got in on the argument!!



Just before he shot his ol' lady and went down Mexico way....


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## IZZY

Linus said:


> View attachment 131080


And I don't understand EITHER.


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## Thingybob

IZZY said:


> And I don't understand EITHER.


Or people walking the streets looking for Pokemons that dont actualy exist ????????


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## Tris

People wandering about, mumbling, and pointing at things that don't exist.....

Sounds like Worcester on any Saturday night


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## artie

IZZY said:


> When an apprentice in the 60's petrol was 4/11*d* a gallon but on £4.00 a week and in digs I could only afford 1/2 gallon a week for my M/cycle. it's always seemed expensive.


My schoolboy math tells me it's cheaper now.


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## Jester129




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## Vann

Sandyn said:


> When I were a lad, I would get up at 1am, walk 100 miles to the local docks with my £20...



And you try an' tell that to the young people of today - and they won't believe you (with thanks to MP).

Cheers, Vann.


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## Thingybob

Sandyn said:


> When I were a lad, I would get up at 1am, walk 100 miles to the local docks with my £20 and buy a tanker full of oil, drag it 100 miles back to the farm and spend the afternoon heating it in an old hot water tank, but I got 8 million gallons for my £20!


Is this the original cut of the Proclaimers hit Sandy lol


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## Sandyn

Thingybob said:


> Is this the original cut of the Proclaimers hit Sandy lol


oops!! I'll get done for stealing their lyrics


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## Blackswanwood




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## Linus




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## niemeyjt

I know you woodworkers out there will be able to answer this for me.

My doctor has asked me to take a stool sample. Should it be three-legged or four-legged?


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## Keith Cocker

Jameshow said:


> Toys R Us Wooden Tablesaw Toy Workshop 27 pc Tools Workbench #AD16099 1120 | eBay
> 
> 
> Find many great new & used options and get the best deals for Toys R Us Wooden Tablesaw Toy Workshop 27 pc Tools Workbench #AD16099 1120 at the best online prices at eBay! Free delivery for many products!
> 
> 
> 
> www.ebay.co.uk
> 
> 
> 
> 
> For some reason my new table saw isn't cutting!


You should have used a parf guide to drill the MFT.


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## ElizaTea




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## Phill05

niemeyjt said:


> I know you woodworkers out there will be able to answer this for me.
> 
> My doctor has asked me to take a stool sample. Should it be three-legged or four-legged?



Should be more like a bar stool single rod with a thick flared out base.


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## paulrbarnard

ElizaTea said:


> View attachment 131134


took me a while...


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## kinverkid




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## Lard




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## Sachakins

paulrbarnard said:


> took me a while...


Me too, great when got it though..


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## Blackswanwood




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## Droogs

A conversation overheard on the hotline this afternoon
Putin "Is not war, is special military operation!"
Biden "It's not sanctions, it's special economic uninvestment!"


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## flying haggis




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## TRITON




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## Phil Pascoe

Droogs said:


> A conversation overheard on the hotline this afternoon
> Putin "Is not war, is special military operation!"
> Biden "It's not sanctions, it's special economic uninvestment!"


“PUBLIC RELATIONS” is an anagram of “CR&P BUILT ON LIES”


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## gwaithcoed

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him 2 hours to pass me the salt


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## Sandyn

I've just failed the RAF entrance exam. Apparently the bomb bay doors are not an Indian tribute band.


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## Robbo3

Some heavy reading. Makes War & Peace seem like a quick read.


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## DBC

This isn’t so much a joke but something my grandfather once said that still makes me laugh.

Bob - my Grandad - died in 1981 and was a sheep and cattle farmer in New Zealand. In the mid 1930s he bought 90 acres of native bush and scrub that he would eventually clear to become his farm. To save for the deposit for this he did contract fencing. At the time NZ farm fencing was 7 strands of tensioned number 8 wire stapled to battens spaced every two feet with a heavy post into the earth every 12 feet. Anyway one christmas one of my older cousins, who himself had recently become a fencer, asked Grandad how good a fencer he had been. Grandad said ’when I used to go out fencing for the day I had to take 3 dinners in my backpack because it would take me 2 [email protected] days to walk back’.

Miss you Grandad


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## Geoff_S

I've found a solution to my energy crisis.

I've turned the light off at the end of the tunnel.


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## Doug B




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## ElizaTea




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## Linus




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## Linus




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## Sachakins

Geoff_S said:


> I've found a solution to my energy crisis.
> 
> I've turned the light off at the end of the tunnel.


Impressive, I haven't seen a light at the end of the tunnel for last 15 years...


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## OCtoolguy

Robbo3 said:


> Some heavy reading. Makes War & Peace seem like a quick read.
> 
> View attachment 131201


The title of that book is "How to understand women"!


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## Sachakins

OCtoolguy said:


> The title of that book is "How to understand women"!


You have more chance of understanding quantum physics, imaginary numbers and chaos theory!


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## Jameshow

Sachakins said:


> You have more chance of understanding quantum physics, imaginary numbers and chaos theory!


I'm sure my wife is the daughter of that guy in the east sometimes ....!


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## IZZY

Sachakins said:


> Impressive, I haven't seen a light at the end of the tunnel for last 15 years...


Probably because the train coming the other way has a bulb out.


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## dzj




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## Yorkieguy




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## Yorkieguy




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## artie

They talk about Joe Biden.
But I say he's not half the man Michelle Obama was.


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## Doug B




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## gwaithcoed

Anyway two of my ex pupils go for a job in the police force and turn up at Doncaster nick for the interview.The first one goes in and the Inspector asks him what was his favourite subject at school. Thinking quickly he replied " RE " ."right then" says the cop" who killed Jesus Christ ", "no idea "was the reply ."well sod off and don't come back until you do".Off he goes and bumps into his mate on the way in " how did it go","fantastic I'm on a murder case already".






Alan


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## Just4Fun

Sachakins said:


> You have more chance of understanding quantum physics, imaginary numbers and chaos theory!


Oh, I thought a deep understanding of chaos theory was a pre-requisite to even get accepted onto the "understanding women" course.


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## Doug B




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## Yorkieguy




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## Phil Pascoe

Reminds me of the old Telegraph cartoon of the banner at the old age pensioners march - What did we want and when did we want it?


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## John Brown

Phil Pascoe said:


> Reminds me of the old Telegraph cartoon of the banner at the old age pensioners march - What did we want and when did we want it?


I don't remember that one.


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## kinverkid

What do we want? TIME TRAVEL! When do we want it? IT'S IRRELEVANT!


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## OCtoolguy

Sachakins said:


> You have more chance of understanding quantum physics, imaginary numbers and chaos theory!


TRU DAT!


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## OCtoolguy

dzj said:


> View attachment 131259


I guess lace up shoes would put it over the top then.


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## OCtoolguy

artie said:


> They talk about Joe Biden.
> But I say he's not half the man Michelle Obama was.


Don't you mean "Michael"?


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## ElizaTea




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## Zedgeezer

Sachakins said:


> You have more chance of understanding quantum physics, imaginary numbers and chaos theory!


How can you understand any woman once you've seen them try to cut through a 4 x 2 timber with a hand saw?


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## Blackswanwood




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## Jameshow

Over the last few years I have bought my beloved for her birthdays.
I phone
I pod
I buds
I pad - she loved them
This year I bought her the new I Ron , ungreatful mare hit me with it.

Ward 10, 1st bed on right bring grapes.....!


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## Stan

George Bernard Shaw sent Winston Churchill two free tickets to the opening night of his latest play. The accompanying note included the sentence:

"Bring a friend, if you have one".

Winston sent the tickets back politely declining, as he had a prior engagement. His note included the request:

"Please send me tickets for the second night, if you have one".


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## Thingybob

Blackswanwood said:


> View attachment 131378


Must be an old joke diesel at 153.9 a litre


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## artie

Thingybob said:


> Must be an old joke diesel at 153.9 a litre


I filled up this morning @ £1.69

Not so bad all things considered.


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## artie

.


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## flying haggis

Phil Pascoe said:


> Reminds me of the old Telegraph cartoon of the banner at the old age pensioners march - What did we want and when did we want it?


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## Thingybob

artie said:


> I filled up this morning @ £1.69
> 
> Not so bad all things considered.


You dont happen to own a petrol station do you ?


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## 1steven

artie said:


> I filled up this morning @ £1.69
> 
> Not so bad all things considered.


Filled up @£1.39


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## Alexam

Doug B said:


> View attachment 131287


 Thanks Dave!


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## JAW911

1steven said:


> Filled up @£1.39


Milk doesn’t count!


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## shed9

JAW911 said:


> Milk doesn’t count!


Where are you buying your milk from?


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## niemeyjt

In a very seductive voice a wife asks her husband "Have you ever seen £20 all crumpled up?"

"No" said her husband.

She gives him a sexy little smile, undoes the first three buttons of her blouse then slowly showing her cleavage takes off a lovely little £20 bra and throws it all crumpled up on the bed.

He takes the £20 bra and smiles approvingly.

She then asks "Have you ever seen £50 all crumpled up?"

"No" he said.

She gives him another sexy little smile, pulls up her skirt, peels off her lovely £50 silk stockings and panties and throws them all crumpled up on the bed.

He takes the £50 stockings and panties and begins to breathe a little faster.

"Now," she said " Have you ever seen £30,000 all crumpled up?"

"Never" he said becoming even more excited and enthusiastic trying hard to imagine what she would reveal next.

"Take a look in the garage" she replied.


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## ElizaTea




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## Thingybob

JAW911 said:


> Milk doesn’t count!


Thats costa straight white


----------



## TRITON

shed9 said:


> Where are you buying your milk from?


Thats Waitrose milk, none of yer cheapo schemie milk here.


----------



## Stan

Allegedly part of the ongoing duel between Winston Churchill and Lady Astor:

WC: Would you sleepwith me for a million pounds?

LA: Yes.

WC: Would you sleep with me for ten pounds?

LA: Absolutely not! What sort of woman do you think I am?

WC: I thought we had just established that, and were merely haggling over the price.


----------



## Tris

Also Winston Churchill (allegedly):

LA: If you were my husband I'd poison you.

WC: If you were my wife I'd take it.


----------



## John Brown

My stepmother's father worked closely with WC, and he(WC) apparently referred to some of his witty ripostes as his "long premeditated Impromptus".


----------



## artie

John Brown said:


> My stepmother's father worked closely with WC, and he(WC) apparently referred to some of his witty ripostes as his "long premeditated Impromptus".


I've had many witty replies on standby for years without getting a chance to use them.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## dzj




----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## JAW911

TRITON said:


> Thats Waitrose milk, none of yer cheapo schemie milk here.


How did you know?!!


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## TRITON

flying haggis said:


> View attachment 131797


Sorry, not getting it


----------



## ElizaTea

TRITON said:


> Sorry, not getting it


Me neither.


----------



## flying haggis

instead of winning money, you win fuel....................................


----------



## TRITON

Ahh
A bit cryptic though, I thought it was a question about fuel.

But I see it now.
someone breakout the straight jackets.


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## AES

I thought it about time I posted on this "new" Jokes thread.

Here's a few for those "of a certain age". A couple of real old hoary ones, sorry, but there's a couple that are new to me anyway. And this first one could be SWMBO and myself (although we're neither of us in our nineties - not quite yet anyway):

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
During a check-up the doctor tells them that they're physically okay but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure.' 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He answers 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so write it down please.' says she.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles off into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment, then asks,
'Where's my toast?'
-----------------------------------------------------
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gents were talking and one said, 'Last week we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other asked 'What's the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns?'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man.
Then he turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last week?'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. While working as a student nurse. I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet. He insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
---------------------------------------------------------
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting married?' 'Yep!'
'Do I know her?' 'Nope!'
'Oh. This woman, is she good looking?' 'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook then?' 'Naw, she doesn't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?' 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse!'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 'I dunno.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man was telling his neighbour 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbour. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc. Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur, be careful.'

Last one:

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'


----------



## MikeK

Robert and Carol were having dinner at their favourite London restaurant. While waiting for the main course, a gorgeous blonde walked up to Robert and kissed him on the cheek before walking out of the restaurant. Carol was surprised and asked Robert who she was. Robert replied "She's my mistress." Carol was furious, threw her napkin on the table and said "You *****! I'll divorce you!"

Robert slowly folded his napkin and said "No you won't. I'll cancel your membership at the clubs and spas, you will never set foot in the villas in Spain and France, and you will never see the Bentley again. I can afford the best attorney to ensure the prenupital agreement you signed will be enforced."

While Carol was thinking about this, she noticed their neighbor, Karl, sitting at a table on the other side of the room with a cute redhead who was young enough to be his daughter. Carol asked Robert who Karl was sitting with, and Robert replied "Oh, that's his mistress."

Carol said "Hmm...ours is cuter."


----------



## Sandyn

another old one. 
Man walks into the doctors. There's a frog growing out of the top of his head. The doctor says "Oh!! That looks terrible". The frog says " I know, it just started as a boil on my bum this morning"


----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## TRITON




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Stan

My doctor told me that three things go as you get old. Your hearing fades, your sight gets worse, and... sorry but I can't remember the other one.


----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## ElizaTea

Apologies for the poor grammer on the above, It came with the image.


----------



## Suffolkboy

Pedronicus said:


> View attachment 131654


What is supposed to happen? Because all I see is the white square - or is that the joke?


----------



## Daniel2

Suffolkboy said:


> What is supposed to happen? Because all I see is the white square - or is that the joke?



I just tried it, again.
This time I got the distinct impression that a positive
image of the left hand one started to appear.....a bit.


----------



## Thingybob

flying haggis said:


> instead of winning money, you win fuel....................................


Dont explain leave em guessing .probably got electric cars anyway


----------



## Suffolkboy

Daniel2 said:


> I just tried it, again.
> This time I got the distinct impression that a positive
> image of the left hand one started to appear.....a bit.



I've tried everything, rotating the image, expanding it, changing my screen brightness, staring for much much longer than 15 seconds and I don't get anything. Then I wondered if the joke was to get you to spend loads of time staring at a dot on some ladies nose...


----------



## Limey Lurker

Suffolkboy said:


> I've tried everything, rotating the image, expanding it, changing my screen brightness, staring for much much longer than 15 seconds and I don't get anything. Then I wondered if the joke was to get you to spend loads of time staring at a dot on some ladies nose...


It worked for me.


----------



## Pedronicus

Suffolkboy said:


> What is supposed to happen? Because all I see is the white square - or is that the joke?


Not too sure why you can't see it as it has worked for everyone else I have sent it to. Maybe your screen magnification is throwing a wobbler.


----------



## guineafowl21

Suffolkboy said:


> I've tried everything, rotating the image, expanding it, changing my screen brightness, staring for much much longer than 15 seconds and I don't get anything. Then I wondered if the joke was to get you to spend loads of time staring at a dot on some ladies nose...


Try blinking a few times as soon as you look at the white square. You should get a colour, ‘positive’ version of the negative image.

If you still get nothing, might be worth getting your vision checked.


----------



## Southdownswolf

Suffolkboy said:


> I've tried everything, rotating the image, expanding it, changing my screen brightness, staring for much much longer than 15 seconds and I don't get anything. Then I wondered if the joke was to get you to spend loads of time staring at a dot on some ladies nose...



Might be like those 3d images, some people see them, some don't. I don't see them, but I do see a positive picture of the lady in the white square.


----------



## dzj

Works the other way too.


----------



## Jameshow

dzj said:


> Works the other way too.
> 
> View attachment 131873


Nope!!!


----------



## AES

1st version worked fine for me, 2nd, not at all.


----------



## Cozzer

The guy who invented predictive text passed away yesterday.

His funfair will be next monkey..


----------



## Cozzer

ElizaTea said:


> Apologies for the poor grammer on the above, It came with the image.





"Grammar"


----------



## Cozzer

Just back from a mate's funeral, killed after a tennis ball hit him.

Nice service though...


----------



## Cozzer

Did you know that Fred the blacksmith's died?
I've just re-homed his dog.
Only been an hour and he's already made a bolt for the door...


----------



## Cozzer

They've found a badly mauled bloke this morning - apparently he'd stumbled on a teddy bears picnic.
He's showing signs of improvement, but he's not out of the woods yet.


----------



## dzj

AES said:


> 1st version worked fine for me, 2nd, not at all.


For a very brief moment, I can just see a negative.


----------



## guineafowl21

Cozzer said:


> "Grammar"


Oooh, you b ugger! May I add:


ElizaTea said:


> above, It


Comma splice and unnecessary capital letter...


----------



## Droogs

the brighter the monitor the better the negative image works as it is the after image on your retina that you percieve to be on the white square.


----------



## IZZY

- In a similar vein as the spoty lady try this out .

5
55
555
5555
55555
Copy these no's out in this form on a clean sheet of paper .

Tell the subject they will be asked a random question and that it is NOT a maths question. 
Write the word CARROT on a separate piece of paper without the subject seeing or being aware of an answer
Get your subject to read the no's out from top to bottom and then upwards to the top without stopping. 
Repeat this at least 6 times until the subject is completely immersed in the no 5.
Then ask them to name a vegetable. NOT their favourite veg. It has to be a surprise question with no time to think of an answer.
My success rate so far is 23 out of 25 .
The reaction when you show them the answer is brilliant. Always assuming you are successful.


----------



## Linus

Cozzer said:


> The guy who invented predictive text passed away yesterday.
> 
> His funfair will be next monkey..


....and as the man said "Long may he roast in p*ss"


----------



## Yorkieguy

To see the image, try looking at it for a bit longer, staying focused on the dot, then blink your eyes rapidly and you should see the image, You don’t have to look at the white square - you can look at a plain painted wall for example, such as the one where my desk is situated. Works for me.


----------



## ElizaTea

Cozzer said:


> "Grammar"


Ha ha. Didn’t spot that ….


----------



## ElizaTea

guineafowl21 said:


> Oooh, you b ugger! May I add:
> 
> Comma splice and unnecessary capital letter...


I sit corrected.


----------



## Suffolkboy

Hot damn. I might have to take a trip to the opticians as I still can't see anything but a white square.


----------



## AES

Suffolkboy said:


> Hot damn. I might have to take a trip to the opticians as I still can't see anything but a white square.




Well then, paint your wall black!

(Hat,..............coat, door)


----------



## Thingybob

Thats 


Suffolkboy said:


> Hot damn. I might have to take a trip to the opticians as I still can't see anything but a white square.


Thats Vladimir waving his flag


----------



## guineafowl21

Suffolkboy said:


> Hot damn. I might have to take a trip to the opticians as I still can't see anything but a white square.


The idea is to stare at the fixed point in the middle, so the image stays dead still. After a while, your visual system accommodates to it and starts to ‘subtract’ it, much like the blood vessels that run in front of your retina, in the line of sight. We can’t see them because their image is fixed, and so removed in post-processing.

When you switch the the white square, you should see, briefly, the white minus the negative image, which gives a positive image, ie the original photo. 

The eye is an excellent example of evolution in action, in that it works well, but is a hash of bodges on bodges like this. Also a good example against a creator, for what type of engineer would run the wiring in front of the light sensor?, but I’ll move swiftly on.


----------



## guineafowl21

ElizaTea said:


> I sit corrected.


 Aw, don’t beat yourself up - it’s only pedantry


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Pineapple

Suffolkboy said:


> Hot damn. I might have to take a trip to the opticians as I still can't see anything but a white square.


Your eyes Definitely Need to be checked, especially if you use Sharp Tools..........It's a Rectangle !


----------



## John Brown

ElizaTea said:


> Apologies for the poor grammer on the above, It came with the image.


Grammar?


----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## Phil Pascoe

Are the batteries flat, though?


----------



## flying haggis

No they are AA batteries not PP3.............

(fetching coat and heading for the door)

PS. where is the key that doesnt fit any lock in the house?


----------



## Phil Pascoe

And the key that you can remember where it's for .................. the front door of the house before the house before last.


----------



## clogs

the junk drawer in our house belongs to the wife.....
it's a no go zone for me.....hahaha....
am told it has the stock of sticky fly papers and the dogs nail clippers
but just wont go there.....
guess it's a bit like her hand bag....
Hermione of Harry Potter fame has something similar I believe..... lol.....


----------



## Sachakins

Sticky fly paper, have it too, thought it was only me, whoopie I'm not mental then, ????


----------



## TRITON

Phil Pascoe said:


> Are the batteries flat, though?


And for the elastic bands to be rotten, so you think AHA! Ideal thing, but then it snaps when you try to use it..
Staples for the stapler you no longer own.


----------



## gcusick

…and that 5-year old roll of masking tape that splits lengthwise half way round the first turn.


----------



## Tris

And the screwdriver has every bit except the one you want


----------



## artie

Sachakins said:


> Sticky fly paper,


For what?
Compared to when I was a kid, flies appear to be extinct.


----------



## Tris

Sticky flies of course!


----------



## Stan

Jean Harlow and Margot Fonteyn were on an ocean liner crossing the Atlantic. During their frequent conversations Harlow kept insulting Fonteyn by calling her "my dear Margott".

After a while Fonteyn retorted,
"My dear Jean, the 't' in 'Margot' is silent, as in 'Harlow'".


----------



## Tris

When I was 15 I thought my father didn't have a clue about life, by the time I was 21 I was amazed how much he'd learnt


----------



## Cozzer

Just spent £200 hiring a limousine and discovered the fee doesn't include a driver.
I can't believe I've spent all that money and I've nothing to chauffeur it...


----------



## Bigegg

Got my sister with this today:
What's the difference between a rhino, and a Zippo?

A rhino is really heavy, and a Zippo is a little lighter


----------



## Sachakins

I was standing behind a customer at an ATM and he turned around and said, “could you check my balance?” so I pushed him. His balance wasn’t that great.


----------



## Phil Pascoe

Tris said:


> When I was 15 I thought my father didn't have a clue about life, by the time I was 21 I was amazed how much he'd learnt


*“When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”*

― Mark Twain


----------



## Phil Pascoe

Bigegg said:


> A rhino is really heavy, and a Zippo is a little lighter


My favourite Indian is a chicken tarka - it's like a chicken tikka but it's a little otter.


----------



## Tris

Busted!


----------



## Phil Pascoe




----------



## Kittyhawk

A true story.
In 1969 I passed my exam and with a brand new mate's foreign going ticket got a job as second officer on a research ship.
We spent most of our time in the southern ocean so the ship was part of the NOAA weather reporting network-this of course before the days of weather satellites. The rear wall of the charthouse was covered with associated weather instruments-a spring mounted barograph so sensitive it would measure pressure variations as ship rose and fell over ocean swells, anemometers, thermometers for air and sea water temperatures etc. This information was encoded together with sea state conditions and the ships course and speed and transmitted via SSB to the nearest shore station every 4 hours by the watch officer. 
So I got a brief explanation from the captain about what and how to do it all, in fact a very brief explanation, the sort of explanation a man gives to a person he assumes is smarter than they actually are.
In the middle of all this weather instrumentation was a little brass plate with the inscription 'Wind on Tuesday.' So of course I wondered what about the wind on Tuesday? Was there something special I needed to transmit on Tuesday? For days I worried about that sign and didn't want to ask and appear stupid.
And just as well as I finally realised that the little sign was directly over the gimballed box that housed the ship's chronometer.


----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## dzj




----------



## niemeyjt

For the first time in ages, I went to the church.

The priest bends down, puts his hands on my head and exclaims in a loud voice:

"YOU WILL WALK!"

I replied: "But I don't have any muscle or motor skills problems"!

He ignored my remark and said in a louder voice:

"YOU'RE GOING TO WALK!"

I tried again to explain to him that I have no problem with my lower limbs, but in vain!

He repeated even more loudly:

"YOU'RE GOING TO WALK!!!"

After the service, I went out and he was absolutely right. My car had been stolen.


----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## Cozzer

Bumped into a gardener pal of mine this morning.
"Spring's here at last", I said, "what you up to, garden-wise?"
"I'm chitting my spuds," he replied.
To be fair, I did think he looked a bit strained....


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Bigegg

flying haggis said:


> View attachment 132237



does "sex" in the above context mean more than one person is involved? 
cos if not, I'm well above average, although my average has dropped to twice a day since I passed 40...


----------



## Cozzer

Bigegg said:


> does "sex" in the above context mean more than one person is involved?
> cos if not, I'm well above average, although my average has dropped to twice a day since I passed 40...



I've surprised many people in the past by telling them that I've had five wives...






Two of 'em were mine.


----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## Robbo3

Bad Jobs.

Elephant poo collecter





Packed office





Inspector




Office





Target holder





Bad teeth


----------



## Phil Pascoe

I used to empty Winston Churchill's phlegm bucket ...


----------



## Pedronicus

Thanks everyone for your concern!!!

First off, I'm OK, I was a bit shaken up at the time though.

For those of you that aren’t aware, I was robbed at Asda petrol station this morning.
After my hands stopped trembling, I managed to call the Police.

They were quick to respond and calmed me down because my blood pressure went through the roof!
My money is all gone however.

The police asked me if I knew who did it and I told them,
“Yes, it was pump number 2.”


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## toysandboats

flying haggis said:


> View attachment 132316


or BUMble Bees?


----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## Doug B

Your browser is not able to display this video.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Jameshow

Not sure if we've had this one....

A freind of mine goes fishing and uses liquorice as a bait and catches all sorts!!


----------



## IZZY

Jameshow said:


> Not sure if we've had this one....
> 
> A freind of mine goes fishing and uses liquorice as a bait and catches all sorts!!


My mum said that liquorice gives you a good run for your money. Quote Spike M.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Linus




----------



## Linus




----------



## Stan

A man went into a pub up North in a coal-mining area. He went up to the bar and ordered a pint. As he was speaking to the barman he noticed a big man in a group by the window. The top of big man's head was flat and he had a cauliflower ear.

The man at the bar laughed and pointed out flat-head to the barman.

"Don't laugh at him", the barman said. "He's a local hero. One day the roof of the pit started to give way as one of the props was cracking. He held that roof up with his head and six men got to safety".

"Wow. Colour me impressed. That explains his flat head, but how did he get the cauliflower ear?"

"That's where they banged him in with a hammer", said the barman.


----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## Doug B




----------



## dzj




----------



## artie

,


----------



## niemeyjt

A priest, feeling his death fast approaching, asks the doctor to summon his bank manager and his local MP.

After a few minutes, both appeared and the priest gestured to them to sit on either side of the bed. The priest held their hands and remained silent with his eyes closed in prayer.

The bank manager and the MP were so touched and felt very important to be summoned by the priest in his moment of death.

In anguish, the MP asked: “Why did you ask us to come to your side here at this moment in your life?”

The priest gathered his remaining strength and said in a breath: "Jesus died between two thieves and I would like to die the same way!”


----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B




----------



## dzj




----------



## Linus

Chap visits the local sperm clinic, where a very nice lady asked if he would like to provide a specimen in the cup. He replied, "I'm flattered. I'm good, but I don't think I'm good enough to compete in a tournament yet!"


----------



## Jameshow

A lonely little frog is fed up being alone so he phones the Psychic Hotline and asks what his future holds.

His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him:

"You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled to hear this great news,

"This is great!"

Says the frog,

"Will I meet her at a party?"

He croaks.

"No..."

Says the psychic,

"... in biology class"


----------



## Pedronicus

Next November, UK older taxpayers will again be receiving another 'Winter Fuel’ payment. This is indeed a very exciting programme, and I'll explain it by using a Question & Answer format:

Q. What is a 'Winter Fuel’ payment?
A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back some of my own money?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase gas and electricity or a high-definition flat-screen TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't buying a TV set stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how best to help the U.K. economy by spending your 'Winter Fuel’ cheque wisely:

* If you spend the money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to Gibraltar, Ireland & Luxemburg.
*If you spend it on Amazon your money will go Lichtenstein.
*If you spend it on eBay your money will go Ireland.
* If you spend it on petrol your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer it will go to India , Taiwan or China.
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Kenya, Spain, or Morocco.
* If you spend it on 'cheap' cigs it will end up in Rumania or Bulgaria.
* If you give it to Oxfam only 20% will go abroad and 80% will remain in the hands of the administrators, who will spend it on fact-finding missions to Cayman Islands, Thailand & Mauritius.
* If you buy a foreign car it will go to Japan, Germany, France, India or Korea.
* If you buy a British car it will go to Japan, Germany or India.
* If you pay off your credit cards or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in the UK by:

1. Spending it at car boot sales.
2 Going to night clubs.
3. Spending it on call girls.
4. Buying cider, beer or scotch.
5. Getting yourself a tattoo
.6. Visiting a bookie.

(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K. )

Conclusion:


Go to a night club with a tattooed call girl that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night!
It’s the patriotic thing to do.


----------



## Jameshow




----------



## Linus




----------



## Linus




----------



## Linus

Talking of excellent drivers!!!!!!





Your browser is not able to display this video.


----------



## kinverkid




----------



## loftyhermes




----------



## Doug B




----------



## artie

,


----------



## Jameshow

Exclusive: next Land Rover Discovery will be mid-engined sports car


As every sports car maker guns for SUVs, Land Rover fights back with a Cayman killer




www.topgear.com





Just placed an order for my new car!


----------



## stuart little

Jameshow said:


> Exclusive: next Land Rover Discovery will be mid-engined sports car
> 
> 
> As every sports car maker guns for SUVs, Land Rover fights back with a Cayman killer
> 
> 
> 
> 
> www.topgear.com
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Just placed an order for my new car!


Only available for this am. !


----------



## MikeK




----------



## Amateur

My solution so far

Ive just replaced all the electric light bulbs with candles. Bought a camping gas single ring burner and six lantern style wind up lanterns. While the wife wasn't watching I took the tumble dryer to the tip.
Ive installed a clip on the wall outside the backdoor that now holds a second world war collapsible trench spade and is being used for digging trenches in the field at the back when we or any visitors require a tom tit.
This is to get infront of the curve when water charges go up 80% due to the hot summer we are going to have.


----------



## Tris

Amateur said:


> My solution so far
> 
> Ive just replaced all the electric light bulbs with candles. Bought a camping gas single ring burner and six lantern style wind up lanterns. While the wife wasn't watching I took the tumble dryer to the tip.
> Ive installed a clip on the wall outside the backdoor that now holds a second world war collapsible trench spade and is being used for digging trenches in the field at the back when we or any visitors require a tom tit.
> This is to get infront of the curve when water charges go up 80% due to the hot summer we are going to have.



Just chuck some spuds in the trench as you backfill and you're covered for the food shortages too.

Joke thread has morphed into public service announcements now


----------



## Amateur

Tris said:


> Just chuck some spuds in the trench as you backfill and you're covered for the food shortages too.
> 
> Joke thread has morphed into public service announcements now


Im struggling to differentiate what is a joke and what is real life at the moment.

For instance

Scottish power site is still down but they managed to put up an email form to send in your meter readings.
The form asks for your account number but you cant access your account to retrieve the number because the site is down because they went paperless to save the planet.

If thats not a joke I give in.


----------



## AES

Amateur said:


> Im struggling to differentiate what is a joke and what is real life at the moment.
> 
> For instance
> 
> Scottish power site is still down but they managed to put up an email form to send in your meter readings.
> The form asks for your account number but you cant access your account to retrieve the number because the site is down because they went paperless to save the planet.
> 
> If thats not a joke I give in.




I know just how you feel Amateur. In very similar vein, I get a short daily round up of local /Swiss) news to add to what I see in the papers, hear/see on radio and TV. Apart from being in English I like it because they writers do tend to hunt for the more off-the-wall stuff (apart from the fact that the Swiss are, by and large, a somewhat humourless bunch). I promise you these 2 items below did appear in my Inbox word for word today:

QUOTE:
*Did you know? April Fool’s Day has a controversial history in Switzerland.*

The marking of April 1, or April Fool’s Day, was only decriminalised in Switzerland in 1998, after being illegal for over a century. In 1877, the Federal Council, worried about the impact of ironic pranks on the mental health of its straight-laced population, *introduced a bill outlawing the day; those found guilty faced fines of up to CHF1.50 (per joke)*. At one point authorities even considered scrapping April 1 completely, and starting the month on April 2, but a legal review found this to be incompatible with Swiss neutrality. After parliament voted in 1998 to decriminalise the day (by a slim majority of six votes) minister for culture Ruth Dreifuss said it was “a historic moment for fools in Switzerland, and indeed the world”. Opposition persists however, and a citizen committee is reportedly planning a people’s initiative to ban April 1 once again.



*Coronavirus taskforce disbands, but is set to hit the big screen.*

The Swiss National Covid-19 Science Taskforce, which has advised government policy on the pandemic for the past two years, was officially disbanded today, along with the lifting of all remaining public restrictions to tackle the virus. *But the taskforce, which often came under fire for its alarmingly scientific views, might not be at the end of its lifespan just yet*. US company Marvel, which has produced various superhero blockbusters including “The Avengers” and the “Spider-Man” series, is now considering making a film about the Swiss academic celebrities, the _21 Minuten _newspaper reports.

“Taskforce: Destination Immunity” will follow the adventures of the brainy superheroes as they run around Switzerland fighting all kinds of infectious diseases, from common colds to conspiracy beliefs. The film will be based on a lightly fictionalised version of the real taskforce, but will see each team member given a special power: *Martin Ackermann will have medical syringes for fingers, and Samia Hurst can instantly cure hypochondriac anxieties through eye contact and blinking*. Taskforce leader Tanja Stadler (her super-power is to predict future scenarios which are precisely 2.37 times worse than what actually happens) confirmed to _21 Minuten_ that she has been approached by Marvel. “But first I have to reply to Warner Bros,” Stadler said.
UNQUOTE:

"Keep smiling mate. At least you'll have the consolation that everyone else is nudging each other and asking themselves what that silly blighter over there's got to laugh about".!


----------



## Amateur




----------



## bushwhaker

It appears Will Smiths marriage is open to everything except jokes.
........
B.C. - Before Corona
A.D. - After the Disease


----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## Tris

Is that from the same publishers as 'The White Cliffs' by Eileen Dover, and 'A Guide to Roadworks' by Elaine Cohen-Dorff?


----------



## Stan

On Monday at about 1pm a man walked into a pet shop, bought a tortoise and walked out.

On Tuesday at about the same time, he did the same thing.

On Wednesday at around 1pm he walked in and said to the shop assistant " I'll have another one of those meat pies please, but not so crunchy this time".


----------



## ian33a

Jameshow said:


> Exclusive: next Land Rover Discovery will be mid-engined sports car
> 
> 
> As every sports car maker guns for SUVs, Land Rover fights back with a Cayman killer
> 
> 
> 
> 
> www.topgear.com
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Just placed an order for my new car!



So, you're one of the eight, are you?

I love Top Gear Magazine - it makes my day.


----------



## Jester129

Sorry for putting this here, it isn't a joke but still interesting.




__





Gmail


Gmail is email that’s intuitive, efficient, and useful. 15 GB of storage, less spam, and mobile access.



mail-attachment.googleusercontent.com


----------



## artie

Since we're doing books. My all-time favourite is Flowers of the wayside by Dan D Lyons.


----------



## Jameshow

Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.

I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late,
but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.
He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, "nothing."
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.

He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him.
He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour.

I don't know why he didn't say, “I love you, too.”

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.
But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried.

I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

Husband's Diary:

Bandsaw not cutting straight cannot work out why...?!!


----------



## Amateur

Tris said:


> Is that from the same publishers as 'The White Cliffs' by Eileen Dover, and 'A Guide to Roadworks' by Elaine Cohen-Dorff?


You do realise when we are dead this humour will be lost for ever.
Its like introducing yourself to someone. Shaking their hand and squeezing every three seconds as you do so.
And then saying
"Pleases to meet you.
I'm the man from the milk marketing board."


----------



## AES

Amateur said:


> You do realise when we are dead this humour will be lost for ever.
> Its like introducing yourself to someone. Shaking their hand and squeezing every three seconds as you do so.
> And then saying
> "Pleases to meet you.
> I'm the man from the milk marketing board."




I think you're right Amateur. Stuff like "we" had on the steam radio, ISIHAC for example - is, I think dying out. BUT, OTOH, there is "new humour" around, at least some (most?) of which isn't even understood by me, but which today's youngsters thoroughly enjoy. Just like they don't understand "I'm sorry I haven't a clue". I think it's called "progress" - and long may it continue ("we" can't stop it anyway) 

I'm often reminded of "Brown Horrocks" and "Lt. Hardly-Worthit" though. And even worse, still snigger when I think of such!


----------



## Tris

Don't worry too much about humour disappearing, I grew up with the likes of Ben Elton and Hale and Pace (anyone remember them now?) on TV. Enjoyed Terry Wogan on the radio, found Monty Python, Tony Hancock, Round the Horn etc. from there. My 11 year old daughter finds some of it very funny already and since there is so much on YouTube I think good comedy will be around for a long time to come


----------



## Linus




----------



## AES

Linus said:


> View attachment 132963



Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. A bit "mixed" for my taste. But that's just me.

I CAN see A funny side there, but also a lot of other sides to it that I find anything but "funny". Am I taking this - and it's intention - too seriously perhaps? Dunno. I'm sure you'll all put me straight


----------



## Sachakins

AES said:


> Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. A bit "mixed" for my taste. But that's just me.
> 
> I CAN see A funny side there, but also a lot of other sides to it that I find anything but "funny". Am I taking this - and it's intention - too seriously perhaps? Dunno. I'm sure you'll all put me straight


Taking irony way too seriously me thinks.
But you have that right and I wouldn't decry it, like beauty, comedy is in the ear of the listener, 
It really is funny, to me, but also a serious reflection on society today, I.e. fear of being misunderstood!!!!!!


----------



## Thingybob

Tris said:


> Don't worry too much about humour disappearing, I grew up with the likes of Ben Elton and Hale and Pace (anyone remember them now?) on TV. Enjoyed Terry Wogan on the radio, found Monty Python, Tony Hancock, Round the Horn etc. from there. My 11 year old daughter finds some of it very funny already and since there is so much on YouTube I think good comedy will be around for a long time to come


My dad used to think Monty Python was the worst thing on tv "it makes no sense " he would say didnt like the goons either I loved em both , Nowadays I think Mock the Week and Have i got news for you are great shows . And dont forget Joke Thread 11 on UK Workshop lol


----------



## Thingybob

Sachakins said:


> Taking irony way too seriously me thinks.
> But you have that right and I wouldn't decry it, like beauty, comedy is in the ear of the listener,
> It really is funny, to me, but also a serious reflection on society today, I.e. fear of being misunderstood!!!!!!


" Lest We Forget " most young ones today will not get the joke


----------



## Linus

For the sake of brevity, and continuity of this thread, is it not possible to just comment by using the like/dislike button below each joke if necessary. Ongoing analysis just bogs down the thread and destroys it's original intent.


----------



## Sachakins

Thingybob said:


> " Lest We Forget " most young ones today will not get the joke


That's not a bad joke, but a reflection on the lack of education in modern history and the drive to not offend someone somewhere somehow.
What's wrong with truth, we might not like it, not agree with it, it will upset some and confuse others but it's reality.

Sorry for rant in joke thread.

In a pub one day, in walked an Scotsman, Irishman, Welshman, German, Frenchman, Belgian, Dutchman, Spaniard, Italian, Pole, Romanian.

Englishman behind the bar asked, "Where euro all going" 

Get me coat, and goodnight


----------



## Jameshow

An English, Scotsman, Irishman, Welshman, German, Frenchman, Belgian, Dutchman, Spaniard, Italian, Pole, Romanian tried to get into a pub

.....no your not coming in.....

why not it's empty,

no sorry your just not,

were all over 18,

sorry nope your not coming in.

for once and for all tell why we cannot come in....

because you haven't got a Thai.......


----------



## AES

Linus said:


> For the sake of brevity, and continuity of this thread, is it not possible to just comment by using the like/dislike button below each joke if necessary. Ongoing analysis just bogs down the thread and destroys it's original intent.



Yup, fair comment Linus. I apologise.


Sachakins said:


> Taking irony way too seriously me thinks.
> But you have that right and I wouldn't decry it, like beauty, comedy is in the ear of the listener,
> It really is funny, to me, but also a serious reflection on society today, I.e. fear of being misunderstood!!!!!!




OK, fair point. It could well be I've been feeling a bit too "serious" tonight. I don't think it's something I'm usually guilty of. Sorry all.


----------



## Kittyhawk

AES said:


> I CAN see A funny side there, but also a lot of other sides to it that I find anything but "funny". Am I taking this - and it's intention - too seriously perhaps? Dunno. I'm sure you'll all put me straight


When I was 60 I retired with the intention of settling contentedly into a home workshop routine.
My wife told me I was bored and needed to find something meaningful to do - I was obviously suffering under the delusion that I was perfectly happy so I am very happy with her pointing out my deficiency.....  So i joined St.John as an ambulance driver and one thing led to another and after 3 years of study qualified in the emergency medicine field.
In the beginning I was pretty shocked at the level of 'black' humour that was regularly bandied about in the ambulance station but after seeing the awful things that sometimes happened to people and even worse, the things that unhappy people sometimes did to themselves I realised that laughter was a necessary safety valve. Either laugh or go under. Thankfully though, it always stayed within the walls of the station.
So whereas I don't agree with censorship over humour I think a degree of circumspection before posting is required over more sensitive topics.


----------



## Phil Pascoe

Thingybob said:


> My dad used to think Monty Python was the worst thing on tv "it makes no sense " he would say didnt like the goons either I loved em both , Nowadays I think Mock the Week and Have i got news for you are great shows . And dont forget Joke Thread 11 on UK Workshop lol


No accounting for taste. The best of M.P. was the greatest ever, most of the rest rubbish. I never found the Goons remotely funny and HIGNFY ceased being funny years ago.


----------



## Daniel2

Linus said:


> For the sake of brevity, and continuity of this thread, is it not possible to just comment by using the like/dislike button below each joke if necessary. Ongoing analysis just bogs down the thread and destroys it's original intent.



^^^ This.
The moment a "joke" is scrutinised or analysed it ceases
to be funny. (If indeed it was, in the first place).
Just simply register your appreciation, or otherwise, using
the emojis. Maybe that way the joke thread can retain it's
focus.


----------



## John Brown

The old "dissecting a frog" point. Attributed to many.
There can be humour in clinical analysis of jokes IMO; many years ago the sometimes excellent National Lampoon magazine had a series of articles by a made-up academic, called "why jokes aren't funny", or something very similar. The same idea was used by Harry and Paul, with their foreign couple watching comedy on TV and giving a running commentary.
But now I'm breaking the rules re. discussion in this thread.


----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## PhilTilson

At last - a joke!


----------



## Majimoto

Daniel2 said:


> ^^^ This.
> The moment a "joke" is scrutinised or analysed it ceases
> to be funny. (If indeed it was, in the first place).
> Just simply register your appreciation, or otherwise, using
> the emojis. Maybe that way the joke thread can retain it's
> focus.


----------



## Pedronicus

PhilTilson said:


> At last - a joke!


And another one!


----------



## Doug B

Your browser is not able to display this video.


----------



## Morag Jones

Two parrots were sitting on a perch. 

One says to the other:
“Can you smell fish?”


----------



## dzj




----------



## Tris

There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in France, de brie was everywhere


----------



## SamG340




----------



## Phill05

A man takes Alfred his Golden Retriever to the vet and say's 'My dog is cross-eyed and keeps bumping into things, is there anything you can do for him?'

'Well,' say's the vet, 'let's have a look at him.' hello Alfred you're a nice boy and picks up the dog to examine his eyes, then he checks his teeth, to which Alfred gives him a big wet lick from his chin over his nose right up to the vets hairline, Finally, the vet says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'

'Oh no no please no all because he's cross-eyed?'



'No, because he's really, really, heavy'


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Suffolkboy

Why don't owl's hoot when it's raining? 




Because it's too wet to woo.


----------



## Suffolkboy

Tris said:


> There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in France, de brie was everywhere



What's the best cheese to hide a horse? 



Mascapone.


----------



## mikej460

Merry Christmas...


----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## Morag Jones

mikej460 said:


> Merry Christmas...


Every one's a cracker


----------



## minotauruk

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......


----------



## Majimoto

Suffolkboy said:


> Why don't owl's hoot when it's raining?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Because it's too wet to woo.


Why did the owl never marry?

Because he hadn't the wit to woo!


----------



## stuart little

mikej460 said:


> Merry Christmas...


-and a 'happy New Year!


----------



## Pedronicus

"An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering agonies on his way to his final moment, he suddenly smells the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, gripping the wall, he slowly makes it to the kitchen.

There, piled on a tray are his favourite scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.

His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon……





‘pineapple off’ she said, ‘they're for the funeral"


----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## Yorkieguy

No strings attached offer from Ikea: 


f


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## niemeyjt

I've given up buying organic food. At my age, anything with preservatives in it has to be worth buying.


----------



## Pineapple

Stan said:


> On Monday at about 1pm a man walked into a pet shop, bought a tortoise and walked out.
> 
> On Tuesday at about the same time, he did the same thing.
> 
> On Wednesday at around 1pm he walked in and said to the shop assistant " I'll have another one of those meat pies please, but not so crunchy this time".


First heard in 1960.....


----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## WoodchipWilbur

Pineapple said:


> First heard in 1960.....


I believe that it featured in the writings of one of the Greek writers, several hundred years BC.


----------



## stuart little

WoodchipWilbur said:


> I believe that it featured in the writings of one of the Greek writers, several hundred years BC.


Aesop?


----------



## WoodchipWilbur

stuart little said:


> Aesop?


Maybe - but I don't know, so I won't pretend. I suspect though, it may have been one of the comic writers. My money would be on Aristophanes (b. c.450BC). It's the sort of thing he would write about. Aesop was more into moral tales.


----------



## MorrisWoodman12

WoodchipWilbur said:


> Maybe - but I don't know, so I won't pretend. I suspect though, it may have been one of the comic writers. My money would be on Aristophanes (b. c.450BC). It's the sort of thing he would write about. Aesop was more into moral tales.


Nah! It was those two Roman guys Morecombus and Wiseus.


----------



## AES

WoodchipWilbur said:


> Maybe - but I don't know, so I won't pretend. I suspect though, it may have been one of the comic writers. My money would be on Aristophanes (b. c.450BC). It's the sort of thing he would write about. Aesop was more into moral tales.



"Fabled-ulous" anyway! Sorry ....., hat, ........ coat, .......... Bye.


----------



## Thingybob

stuart little said:


> Aesop?





WoodchipWilbur said:


> Maybe - but I don't know, so I won't pretend. I suspect though, it may have been one of the comic writers. My money would be on Aristophanes (b. c.450BC). It's the sort of thing he would write about. Aesop was more into moral tales.


ANALYSIS WARNING


----------



## Keefy.

Thingybob said:


> ANALYSIS WARNING


Joke thread 111?


----------



## John Brown

stuart little said:


> Aesop?


The hare and the crunchy pie, one of the better known fables from Aesop.


----------



## Jameshow

Collectable rb10 plane....!









Vintage Collectable Stanley Wood Plane RB10 made in England for refurbishment | eBay


RB10 060422. Condition is "Used".



www.ebay.co.uk


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## dzj




----------



## artie

dzj said:


> View attachment 133164


I only ever cut my pizza in four.
I couldn't eat six pieces.


----------



## kinverkid




----------



## Stan

At the start of the lunchbreak, a Russian judge walked through the door at the back of his courtroom, into the service corridor reserved for people of his exalted status. As he did so he chuckled to himself.

"What's so funny?" his fellow judge asked, having also just started his lunch recess.

"Josef, I have just heard the funniest joke in years", he chuckled.

"Come on then, let's hear it. We could do with a few laughs round here". Josef said.

"Don't be silly", the first judge said. "I have just sentenced a man to three years for telling that joke!"


----------



## Just4Fun

Daniel2 said:


> The moment a "joke" is scrutinised or analysed it ceases
> to be funny. (If indeed it was, in the first place).


Generally - almost always - I agree with this but I do know of one exception. It dates back a few years but let's see how many people understand the joke.

It goes back to when a goalkeeper called David Seaman was nearing the end of his top-level career and apparently he let in a series of "easy" goals. Don't ask for details because I am not a football fan. Anyway, a newspaper ran a caption competition based on a photo of the ball getting past him for one of these goals. The winning caption was "Even the ancient mariner...". I didn't understand it until it was explained to me but once it was explained I did think it was funny. Does the panel agree? 

How many people understand the joke? How many people think it is funny? How many people, like me, need the joke explained but then agree that it is funny?


----------



## IZZY

Just4Fun said:


> Generally - almost always - I agree with this but I do know of one exception. It dates back a few years but let's see how many people understand the joke.
> 
> It goes back to when a goalkeeper called David Seaman was nearing the end of his top-level career and apparently he let in a series of "easy" goals. Don't ask for details because I am not a football fan. Anyway, a newspaper ran a caption competition based on a photo of the ball getting past him for one of these goals. The winning caption was "Even the ancient mariner...". I didn't understand it until it was explained to me but once it was explained I did think it was funny. Does the panel agree?
> 
> How many people understand the joke? How many people think it is funny? How many people, like me, need the joke explained but then agree that it is funny?


"He stoppeth one of three."


----------



## Just4Fun

Exactly. I didn't know the poem so I had to have it explained to me. After that I did think it was both clever and funny. It isn't often that a joke is funny if it has to be explained.


----------



## niemeyjt

artie said:


> I only ever cut my pizza in four.
> I couldn't eat six pieces.





And she is allowed to vote . . .


----------



## Morag Jones




----------



## stuart little

WoodchipWilbur said:


> Maybe - but I don't know, so I won't pretend. I suspect though, it may have been one of the comic writers. My money would be on Aristophanes (b. c.450BC). It's the sort of thing he would write about. Aesop was more into moral tales.


Well, he did write about a tortoise [& a hare]


----------



## stuart little

MorrisWoodman12 said:


> Nah! It was those two Roman guys Morecombus and Wiseus.


Wisearsus?


----------



## artie

niemeyjt said:


> And she is allowed to vote . . .



There's more than a few of her videos online.
I don't think she's as Dumb as she makes out.


----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## Daniel2

niemeyjt said:


> And she is allowed to vote . . .




Well, full marks to her, for keeping the dead pan face while
they made that clip.


----------



## smugdruggler

artie said:


> There's more than a few of her videos online.
> I don't think she's as Dumb as she makes out.


She is not, they are a couple and they are all put up jobs. Some of them are really funny.


----------



## smugdruggler

Another one from them which is my absolute favourite


----------



## Doug B




----------



## John Brown

Doug B said:


> View attachment 133188


That must surely be intentional. There's no apparent reason for the icon to be so far off centre, if not to purposely utilise the handle.
Anyway, that's what I call a door knob.


----------



## loftyhermes




----------



## Jester129




----------



## Jester129




----------



## JAW911

Pedronicus said:


> View attachment 133091


Years ago I helped a friend on his new greengrocer’s shop’s opening day. We were selling cauliflowers at 30p each or three for a pound. Amazingly many took the offer!


----------



## cisamcgu




----------



## SamG340

You might think that's just plain old lettuce. But I'm telling you... It's just the tip of the iceberg ...


----------



## niemeyjt

JAW911 said:


> Years ago I helped a friend on his new greengrocer’s shop’s opening day. We were selling cauliflowers at 30p each or three for a pound. Amazingly many took the offer!


Tesco ran an offer - for £1.17 you could buy bananas and get £1.25 of Clubcard points - so an 8p profit.

Someone did the maths and bought 942lb of fruit, give it away - and made £25 profit.





__





Banana economics: buy 942lb of fruit, give it away - and make pounds


Physicist Phil Calcott always wanted to make a grand gesture. So the chance to give away nearly half a ton of free bananas proved utterly irresistible.




www.independent.co.uk


----------



## Phil Pascoe

Some years ago a local paper had coupons for a free Wimpy burger. The burger at the time was 1/6d (7 1/2p), the paper 4d (less than 2p).
We were at school and we ate burgers for lunch for weeks after buying every paper in the city.


----------



## Amateur

Just4Fun said:


> Generally - almost always - I agree with this but I do know of one exception. It dates back a few years but let's see how many people understand the joke.
> 
> It goes back to when a goalkeeper called David Seaman was nearing the end of his top-level career and apparently he let in a series of "easy" goals. Don't ask for details because I am not a football fan. Anyway, a newspaper ran a caption competition based on a photo of the ball getting past him for one of these goals. The winning caption was "Even the ancient mariner...". I didn't understand it until it was explained to me but once it was explained I did think it was funny. Does the panel agree?
> 
> How many people understand the joke? How many people think it is funny? How many people, like me, need the joke explained but then agree that it is funny?



Whats a "panel"?


----------



## Tris

Raised and fielded?


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Garden Shed Projects

If you go to Dominos and order a pizza with wedges, adding a 1.5l bottle of coke to the order knocks £8 off. I currently have around 8 bottles of coke I am never gonna drink.


----------



## SamG340

JAW911 said:


> Years ago I helped a friend on his new greengrocer’s shop’s opening day. We were selling cauliflowers at 30p each or three for a pound. Amazingly many took the offer!









Saw this in coop today


----------



## SamG340




----------



## Cozzer

I might be getting old, but I do object to my children saying that I'm losing my marbles.

Just you wait 'til Christmas Day, when you all find your eggs under the bonfire...


----------



## Amateur

During my apprentiship I had to work nights.
We clocked in and brewed up from the large hotwater urn that was supplied and sat about chatting till the shift started.
One night a huge rat ran out from beneath one of the machines and under a duck board one of the skilled men was stood on.
He lifted it up but was unable to see the rat so he dopped it. On doing so the rat got crushed to death.
During the next break a discussion started about what to do with the dead rat.
Someone suggested putting it into an old guys gas mask bag that he used to bring his sandwiches in. 
He hadn't joined us and sat reading his paper during breaks.
So thats what they did.
Wrapped it in a newspaper and stuck it in his bag.
The next night we were all sat about after clocking on drinking our brews.
The guys started nudging each other till one of them turned to the old boy and asked if he jumped out of his skin when he opened his sandwich bag.
He put down his paper and said, "Oh, I suppose you thought that was funny?"
Everyone started laughing at him.
"Well let you tell you. I washed and went to bed. My wife is very frail and the nervous type, so when that rat fell out of my bag while she cleaned it out, she screamed.
I jumped out of bed, ran down stairs and found her collapsed on the kitchen floor.
I called the doctor who had to come out and attend to her. She is now in bed after being given a sedative and her sister came over to spend the night with her while Im at work"
Everyone looked grim.
Then the culprit said he was sorry and everyone muttered the same.
" In the end it was quite funny" said the old boy.
"How's that?" one of them asked.
"Well I got my own back on you"
He then produced his own flask and poured a drink.
"I came in early tonight and put the dead rat in the hot water urn"
"Cheers"
And sure enough, he had.

True story.
Goss printing Press manufacturers. 1969.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## dzj




----------



## IZZY

niemeyjt said:


> Tesco ran an offer - for £1.17 you could buy bananas and get £1.25 of Clubcard points - so an 8p profit.
> 
> Someone did the maths and bought 942lb of fruit, give it away - and made £25 profit.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> __
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Banana economics: buy 942lb of fruit, give it away - and make pounds
> 
> 
> Physicist Phil Calcott always wanted to make a grand gesture. So the chance to give away nearly half a ton of free bananas proved utterly irresistible.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> www.independent.co.uk


Does anyone remember the newspaper that gave vouchers towards a washing machine . Cost them a bundle of money ?


----------



## Linus

Garden Shed Projects said:


> If you go to Dominos and order a pizza with wedges, adding a 1.5l bottle of coke to the order knocks £8 off. I currently have around 8 bottles of coke I am never gonna drink.


----------



## Linus

IZZY said:


> Does anyone remember the newspaper that gave vouchers towards a washing machine . Cost them a bundle of money ?


----------



## Linus

SamG340 said:


> View attachment 133231
> 
> 
> Saw this in coop today


----------



## Linus

RIP Joke thread☠


----------



## paulrbarnard

Linus said:


> RIP Joke thread☠


Were your last four posts jokes? Hit the report button if you don’t like it or don’t understand it. It will save even more clutter in the thread.


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Garden Shed Projects

Would you fair any better at Sofa King in Northampton where the prices are “Sofa King Low”? 









'Sofa King Low' advert for furniture store banned eight years after first sparking police complaints


The slogan, which has been the Sofa King's strapline since it began trading nine years ago, appears on the Northampton firm's shop fronts and vehicles.



www.dailymail.co.uk


----------



## Doug B




----------



## dzj




----------



## SamG340




----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## SamG340

Got this record the other day... "The sounds of wasps" . Played it, didn’t sound anything like wasps!

Then I realised I was playing the bee side.


----------



## dzj




----------



## Ttrees

Leonardo DiCaprio through the years...


----------



## JimJay

SamG340 said:


> View attachment 133258


I'd be happy to be called "middle-aged" again - especially as I feel old enough to have started life in a cave....


----------



## stuart little

Amateur said:


> Whats a "panel"?


Part of a door etc.


----------



## stuart little

Doug B said:


> View attachment 133233


I thought that was going to be the notorious 'Can Opener', but no. Despite being raised & painted bright yellow + warning lights, the can opener still gets it's victims - worth watching on YT.


----------



## stuart little

Ttrees said:


> Leonardo DiCaprio through the years...
> 
> View attachment 133277


----------



## stuart little

dzj said:


> View attachment 133244


----------



## Phill05

stuart little said:


>


----------



## dzj

stuart little said:


>


If you remember the desktop of an operating system from the previous century, you probably 
have ailments associated with old age.
It's not that funny. Maybe a bit.


----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B




----------



## flying haggis

stuart little said:


> I thought that was going to be the notorious 'Can Opener', but no. Despite being raised & painted bright yellow + warning lights, the can opener still gets it's victims - worth watching on YT.


that can opener bridge has a more evil little brother!!!!


----------



## Thingybob

dzj said:


> View attachment 133272





flying haggis said:


> that can opener bridge has a more evil little brother!!!!



If anyone on here lives near Barton Bridge Eccles you will know this joke


----------



## stuart little

dzj said:


> If you remember the desktop of an operating system from the previous century, you probably
> have ailments associated with old age.
> It's not that funny. Maybe a bit.


How right you are! I didn't have a PC until 2009, when I retired. Glad now I didn't have one as I don't think I'd've got much work done.


----------



## Cozzer

I went to the zoo yesterday and spotted a baguette in a cage.









The zookeeper told me it was bred in captivity.


----------



## Thingybob

Cozzer said:


> I went to the zoo yesterday and spotted a baguette in a cage.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> The zookeeper told me it was bred in captivity.


We ve been to that zoo only had one dog in it , It was a shitzoo


----------



## SamG340

Thingybob said:


> We ve been to that zoo only had one dog in it , It was a shitzoo



Boo!


----------



## SamG340




----------



## SamG340




----------



## Cozzer

The inventor of throat lozenges has died today.




They'll be no coffin at his funeral.


----------



## Cozzer

I suddenly heard a racket outside the house, and it turned out it was the window cleaner banging on my window, shouting and swearing....




I thought to myself, he's lost his rag.......



(Stuart - I'll explain it later if you want.... )


----------



## niemeyjt




----------



## SamG340




----------



## SamG340




----------



## Cozzer

_"Ambulance Service.... is the patient breathing?"_
"It's Molly Malone from Dublin here...It's my husband! I've accidently shot and killed him!"
_"Calm down, Molly - and please don't worry. I'm here to help you. Listen to me very carefully, and do exactly as I say, OK?"_
"OK"
_"OK, Molly... first of all, we have to make sure that your husband is actually dead. Can you do that for me, Molly?"_
"Yes, OK...."
*Click. BANG*
"OK, I've done that..... What now?"


----------



## Cozzer

I need to re-home a dog as soon as possible.
It's a small brown and white terrier - a little aggressive sometimes - and tends to bark a lot, day and all night.

If you're interested, please let me know, and I'll jump over next door's fence and get it for you......


----------



## Cozzer

Must've had a senior moment last night - went to bed, and unfortunately left the freezer door open....
All defrosted this morning.





Never mind, it's all water under the fridge now.


----------



## stuart little

flying haggis said:


> that can opener bridge has a more evil little brother!!!!



Yeah, one vehicle catches fire after hitting 'little bruvver'.


----------



## stuart little

Cozzer said:


> I suddenly heard a racket outside the house, and it turned out it was the window cleaner banging on my window, shouting and swearing....
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I thought to myself, he's lost his rag.......
> 
> 
> 
> (Stuart - I'll explain it later if you want.... )


Thanks mate, BUT I got it!


----------



## Thingybob

Cozzer said:


> Must've had a senior moment last night - went to bed, and unfortunately left the freezer door open....
> All defrosted this morning.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Never mind, it's all water under the fridge now.


Love your quickies makes wife groan over breakfast he he


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Phill05

Thingybob said:


> Love your quickies makes wife groan over breakfast he he



What's your wife doing have a quickie with Cozzer


----------



## Cozzer

Phill05 said:


> What's your wife doing have a quickie with Cozzer



Oi !
She could do worse!
My ex always said I looked like George Clooney!_ (Or was it Rosemary? I forget now...)_
The trouble was, it was from the back....


----------



## Cozzer

So you don't know where Antenna is, SamG340?
From memory, it's just south of Chlamadia and west of Anorexia...


----------



## SamG340

Cozzer said:


> So you don't know where Antenna is, SamG340?
> *From memory, it's just south of Chlamadia and west of Anorexia...*



Think I knew a girl from round there once ?


----------



## Amateur

Me and the wife are just hanging about this Easter.


----------



## OCtoolguy

My sincere apologies for posting the political stuff. Won't happen again. I just saw what had been posted regarding your PM and thought it was ok. My Bad!


----------



## Thingybob

Phill05 said:


> What's your wife doing have a quickie with Cozzer


Eh all t same in Derbyshire one track minds


----------



## gwaithcoed

Got up today after a good night's sleep and said to my wife I feel like a new man . What a coincidence she said So do I.


----------



## dzj




----------



## Old Chippy

I was cutting wood yesterday that health warnings say the dust from it is extremely poisonous. If you should get the dust in an open wound, wash it out immediately and seek medical advice. I rang the NHS for advice. They told me to go straight away to my doctor for treatment. I told them I couldn't do that as I was still trying to find my finger in the bandsaw shavings bag


----------



## quintain

gwaithcoed said:


> Got up today after a good night's sleep and said to my wife I feel like a new man . What a coincidence she said So do I.


but where can I get one at this time of day ??


----------



## Old Chippy

I know you've all heard it now but I liked it when two guys were talking about a new lathe one of them had just bought. He said it was made in China and the other one said. "Bat flu is the only thing to come out of China that's lasted longer than a week


----------



## Old Chippy

I know we are not allowed to make jokes about people from another country But a man from a country near mainland UK was teaching his dog to wee in the gutter. To cut a long story short he fell off the roof and broke his neck


----------



## Junah

A couple of years ago before the current situation in Ukraine, I was asked by our new starter at work how we had got on at the previous nights pub quiz, she said "Ask me one of the questions"
Me "What is the capital of Ukraine"
She "Too difficult, give me a clue"
Me " Begins with a K"
She "Still too difficult, give me another clue"
Me "Think of chicken"
She "Is it Kentucky?"
You couldn't make it up, She came with 12 GCSE's and 4 A levels. Taught to pass exams but no knowledge.


----------



## Phil Pascoe

One earlier on didn't know when asked the name of the deity that is the first word of the national anthem.


----------



## Jameshow

Cannibalism.....


----------



## gwaithcoed

quintain said:


> but where can I get one at this time of day ??


I gave her a couple of phone numbers to try but she's had no takers yet


----------



## againstthegrain

Q: Why is there music coming from the laser printer?
A: That'll be the paper jamming.


----------



## againstthegrain

Q: So did you propose to her as soon as she got out of jail?
A: No I had to wait a year or two - you can't end a sentence with a proposition...


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## SamG340




----------



## SamG340




----------



## SamG340




----------



## Tris

That's very similar to my excuse: I love my 6 pack so much I protect it with a layer of fat


----------



## againstthegrain




----------



## Cozzer

_"Bloody hell! Quarter to four in the morning, and somebody's knocking on our door!"_, moaned the bloke to his wife.
_"Probably been to the pub for a lockdown....lucky him....remember those days, dear? When we had a life..."_ he droned on.....
Another few knocks followed.
_"God almighty! Are we ever going to get any sleep?!"_
He turned over, pulling the duvet over his head.
Louder, most determined knocking.....
Laddo cursed, leapt out of bed, threw on his dressing gown and opened the bedroom window.
_"For Christ's sake!", _he bellowed,_"What do you want?!"_
A plaintive little voice answered.
"Sorry to wake you. Can you give me a push please?"
_"Pineapple*** off!"_, shouted the bloke.
"What's going on?" asked his wife as the bloke climbed back into bed.
_"Some cretin's stuck, and wants a push.....I told him to forget it"_
His wife thought for a moment, before reminding him of a similar event that had happened to them a few years before.
"Remember? We'd broken down in the middle of nowhere, we'd the three kids in the back and it was tippling down with rain? And those two blokes appeared out of the gloom and got us going again? Remember?"
_"Yes, yes, OK, OK, I'll go down....."_
The bloke threw some clothes on, went downstairs and opened his door.
_"Are you still there?"_
"Yes" came the reply, from around the corner.
_"Are you still wanting a push?"_
"Yes, please...."
_"Where are you? I can't see you....."_ said the bloke, peering into the darkness....
"Over here", came the voice, "On the swings....."


*** Thought I'd censor it myself to save the mod some time!


----------



## SamG340




----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## Jester129

A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a LX460
when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7M, when you and I are doing basically the same work?" 
The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running.”


----------



## IZZY

Jester129 said:


> A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a LX460
> when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7M, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
> The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running.”


When I worked as a service engineer for a Japanese car manufacturer we had a cardiologist with a minor complaint with his car giving us a really hard time . Could not be satisfied and wanted all the compensation possible . The engineer dealing with him finally lost his rag and said . " you surgeons are lucky ,when you loose a case the patient cannot complain". phone went dead and 2 minutes later the M.D. secretary rang to as the engineer to go to M.D. office.


----------



## NormanB

IZZY said:


> When I worked as a service engineer for a Japanese car manufacturer we had a cardiologist with a minor complaint with his car giving us a really hard time . Could not be satisfied and wanted all the compensation possible . The engineer dealing with him finally lost his rag and said . " you surgeons are lucky ,when you loose a case the patient cannot complain". phone went dead and 2 minutes later the M.D. secretary rang to as the engineer to go to M.D. office.


----------



## MorrisWoodman12

IZZY said:


> When I worked as a service engineer for a Jap car manufacturer we had a cardiologist with a minor complaint with his car giving us a really hard time . Could not be satisfied and wanted all the compensation possible . The engineer dealing with him finally lost his rag and said . " you surgeons are lucky ,when you loose a case the patient cannot complain". phone went dead and 2 minutes later the M.D. secretary rang to as the engineer to go to M.D. office.


And! And?????????????


----------



## Cozzer

Whilst we puzzle out our own ending to Izzy's joke***, here's a little filler for you....

A bloke's walking home from work late one evening. He's had a tiring, frustrating day and for the moment he just wants to get home, have a scotch and a cuddle with his wife.....but then he spots a female in the shadow of a streetlight.
_"Well"_, he thought to himself****, _"What the hell! The Scotch can wait! I'm going to have some excitement for a change!"_
He's never been with a lady of the night before, so he approaches her, puts on a false voice and asks the going rate.
She flashes both hands up, twice.
_"£20. What the hell! Let's go for it"_
They get down to the nitty-gritty, but all of a sudden they are picked out in a fierce torch beam. 
It's the cops!
"And what's going on here?!" bellowed the cop.
_"Do you mind?!_" the bloke says, _"I'm making love to my wife!"_
"Oh....my apologies" replied the cop. "I didn't know...."
_"Well"_, said the bloke,_ "To tell the truth, neither did I until you flashed that light on her face...."_ 


** *Got to be something about keeping the engine v. the heart running?

** What a stupid expression that is....


----------



## Stan

Following on from cozzer.....

A bloke goes to the red light district and approaches a lady of the night.

"How about it handsome?", she leers.

"Sure, but I've only got a tenner", he lies.

"Huh", she snorts with amusement. "You won't get much for a tenner round here" and she struts off.

The bloke decides to drown his sorrows and enters the nearby corner pub, where he gets a pint at the bar. About ten minutes later he's joined by his wife, so he buys her a drink also.

A short while later the "lady" comes in. She notices the bloke at the bar and looks his wife up and down.

"Hah", she exclaims. "Told you you wouldn't get much for a tenner round here".


----------



## Sandyn

I've had a lifelong ambition to play a Cyclops in a horror movie. It's a pretty rare role to find, but I'm keeping an eye out for it.


----------



## dzj




----------



## Rob_Mc

Issued by Ukraine a couple of days ago before the sinking of the Moskva (the ship in the stamp)


----------



## artie

,


----------



## Rob_Mc

Rob_Mc said:


> Issued by Ukraine a couple of days ago before the sinking of the Moskva (the ship in the stamp)
> 
> View attachment 133698



I originally posted this in the off topic section under the title 'World's Best Postage Stamp' Not sure why it has now been merged into a joke thread ... it is a real stamp recently issued by the Ukranian government.


----------



## Doug B

A dwarf was drinking in a bar, when a sexy blonde walked up to him and said “I’ve always wanted to have sex with a little person.”

The dwarf replied “I’m sorry, but I’ve had women say that before, then I go home with them and the husband or boyfriend finds out and I get beaten up.”

“It’s ok,”said the woman, “my husband is working away until next week.“

So, against his better judgment he goes back with the woman. 

They start having amazing sex, when suddenly the front door opens. 

“dam, it’s my husband!“ she said.”Quick, hang out of the bedroom window and when he goes for a shower, you can climb in and get away!”

So the dwarf climbs out of the window and hangs on the ledge by his fingertips. 

The husband comes in the bedroom, says “It’s cold in here!” slams the window shut and the dwarf plummets to the ground. 

The woman is distraught and calls an ambulance. A couple of days later she goes to visit the dwarf in hospital.

“How are you?” she asked.

“Well, my fingers are broken, I’ve got two broken ankles, a dislocated hip and severe concussion,”he said.

“Oh dear!” she said. “Still, it could have been much worse.“

“Much worse?!” said the dwarf. “How do you figure that out?”

“Well,” she said, “you’re lucky that I live in a bungalow!”


----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## SamG340




----------



## kinverkid




----------



## Robbo3




----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B

A husband walks into Fredrick's of Hollywood to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500in price, the sheerer, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, do the modeling, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself."

So she appears on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

He never heard the shot.
Funeral services are pending


----------



## Stan

The scene - a bar in a singles club for over 30's. A thirty-something lonely lady meets a charming gent and they share a few drinks. He invites her home for dinner which he promises to cook himself.

After a splendid meal and some choice wine they retire to the bedroom. As she enters she notices three long shelves on a wall one above the other. The bottom shelf is filled with a variety of teddies and other soft animals all about 6" tall. The middle shelf is the same but the toys are larger. The top shelf is the same but the toys are huge. She is impressed. Not only is he charming and a wonderful cook, but he is in touch with his inner self. Could he be the one?

Things progress and well, you know.... time passes.....waves crashing on the shore etc etc.

Afterwards she asks "how was it for you, darling?"

"Not bad", he replies. "Take any toy you like from the middle shelf".


----------



## Robbo3

↓
↓
↓
↓
↓
So did you notice anything wrong?
1. Extra finger
2. One ear
3. Extra arm


----------



## dzj




----------



## sploo

Back to work tomorrow, but...


----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Robbo3




----------



## Linus




----------



## Majimoto

Robbo3 said:


> View attachment 134039


Utterly gross.


----------



## stuart little

Robbo3 said:


> View attachment 134039


----------



## dzj




----------



## stuart little

Hey folks, do you know that 'one egg a day' is enough for a Frenchman?


----------



## SamG340




----------



## SamG340

Myfordman said:


> This is a joke thread ffs



Oh well. It's not that big of deal in the grand scheme of things


----------



## Yorkieguy

I fostered a dog today!


----------



## Doug B




----------



## stuart little

Myfordman said:


> This is a joke thread ffs


I thought I was viewing jokes!


----------



## stuart little

Doug B said:


> View attachment 134136


At least it wasn't the walk in wardrobe!


----------



## SamG340




----------



## Thingybob

OFF TOPIC WARNING


----------



## Thingybob

Thingybob said:


> OFF TOPIC WARNING


I did type this under religious posts in joke thread no here


----------



## Doug B




----------



## dzj




----------



## Phill05

*He grabbed me by my slender neck 
I couldn't yell or scream. 
He took me to his dingy room 
Where we could not be seen.


He stripped me of my flimsy wrap,
And gazed upon my form. 
I was wet and cold and damp, 
And he was nice and warm. 


His feverish lips he pressed to mine,
I gave him every drop.
He drained me of my very self, 
And I couldn't make him stop. 


He made me what I am today, 
That's why you find me here... 
A broken bottle, tossed away, 
That once was full of beer.*


----------



## SamG340




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## niemeyjt

And in similar vein:


----------



## SamG340




----------



## Phill05

*The doggies held a meeting, 
They came from near and far,
Some came by motor cycle,
And some by motor car
Each doggie passed the doorway, 
Each doggie signed the book
Each one unshipped his a**hole 
And hung it on a hook.

One dog was not invited 
It sorely raised his ire
He ran into the meeting hall 
And loudly shouted "Fire!"
It threw them in confusion 
And without a second look
Each grabbed another's a**hole 
From off another hook

And that's the reason why sir, 
When walking down the street
And that's the reason why sir, 
When doggies chance to meet
And that's the reason why sir, 
On land, abroad or home
They'll sniff each other's backside... 
To see if it's their own. *​


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## SamG340




----------



## Linus




----------



## Linus




----------



## dzj




----------



## stuart little

Phill05 said:


> *He grabbed me by my slender neck
> I couldn't yell or scream.
> He took me to his dingy room
> Where we could not be seen.
> 
> 
> He stripped me of my flimsy wrap,
> And gazed upon my form.
> I was wet and cold and damp,
> And he was nice and warm.
> 
> 
> His feverish lips he pressed to mine,
> I gave him every drop.
> He drained me of my very self,
> And I couldn't make him stop.
> 
> 
> He made me what I am today,
> That's why you find me here...
> A broken bottle, tossed away,
> That once was full of beer.*


By the cringe, that's showing your age!! It mustbe at least 70 yrs old by now.


----------



## Thingybob

stuart little said:


> By the cringe, that's showing your age!! It mustbe at least 70 yrs old by now.


And so are you if you first heard it then


----------



## Daniel2




----------



## Majimoto

Daniel2 said:


>


The golden oldies!! Still the best!


----------



## Bm101

A brilliant gynaecologist finally decided on a career change after many years. Always had a keen interest in cars and decides to become a mechanic as he wants a complete break from his former career.
Does his apprenticeship and breezes it as he is so intelligent. 
To pass though he has to sit the final exam just like the other apprentices.
He is a little puzzled When he receives his results through the post. 

150%

That's odd he thinks. You can't score more than 100 % on a test and phones the college to question the score. 

'Ahhhh! It's you!' replies the examiner. 'its a great honour to talk to you. I've never had the pleasure to mark an examination of such exceptional skill.'

But how did I score 150% queries the man. 

'Well. You scored 50% for getting every theory question right. 
And you scored another 50% for taking the engine apart and then putting it all back together again. Simply astounding. Perfect.

The extra 50% was awarded because you did it all through the exhaust pipe.


----------



## Robbo3




----------



## Doug B




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## treeturner123

Hoovering in the dark reminds me of:-

Some time ago, the gentleman who lived at the back of us used to cut his large lawn in the dark ie after 11.00pm, using an electric mower with a car headlight on it. It turned out he was using the old 'Night Storage' rate electricity!

Absolutely true!

Phil


----------



## SamG340

flying haggis said:


> View attachment 134391



Straight over my head ?


----------



## MorrisWoodman12

SamG340 said:


> Straight over my head ?


Yeap mine too. What is that thing he's holding? Some sort of portable beer dispenser? I know just how much musicians love their beer.


----------



## Thingybob

SamG340 said:


> Straight over my head ?


How old are you ?


----------



## Daniel2

SamG340 said:


> Straight over my head ?



80's pop group:
Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark (OMD).


----------



## MorrisWoodman12

Old enough to remember the band! And young enough still to be cheeky


----------



## Thingybob

Daniel2 said:


> 80's pop group:
> Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark (OMD).


Cant believe it has to be explained


----------



## Thingybob

Anyway back to the jokes please


----------



## Morag Jones

Another classic from Simon Drew:






Dance of the seven whales


----------



## SamG340

Thingybob said:


> How old are you ?



12


----------



## MikeK

SamG340 said:


> 12


Hmm...then we must delete your account. The Children's Online Privacy Protection Act prohibits anyone under the age of 13 from creating an online account without parental or guardian approval.


----------



## MorrisWoodman12

Is this bones age or brain (I.e acting) age because if it's the latter there will be very few left!


----------



## SamG340

MikeK said:


> Hmm...then we must delete your account. The Children's Online Privacy Protection Act prohibits anyone under the age of 13 from creating an online account without parental or guardian approval.



Mummy and daddy said it was ok


----------



## SamG340

I'm only joking I'm an adult , but in comparison to most of you lot I'm just a lad lol !!


----------



## Thingybob

SamG340 said:


> Mummy and daddy said it was ok


Anything to keep him quiet


----------



## Thingybob

SamG340 said:


> I'm only joking I'm an adult , but in comparison to most of you lot I'm just a lad lol !!


Yea but we learnt our tips and tricks without the aid of youtube back when wood were cheap


----------



## Jameshow

Any jokes!!


----------



## JimJay

SamG340 said:


> I'm only joking I'm an adult , but in comparison to most of you lot I'm just a lad lol !!


"A man is as old as the woman he feels"...or so I've been told.


----------



## SamG340

Thingybob said:


> Yea but we learnt our tips and tricks without the aid of youtube back when wood were cheap



Yea Im jealous ! Also bit envious of your bus pass bets that's useful


----------



## AES

Thingybob said:


> Anything to keep him quiet




OK, I'll start (again!) Thingybob. 

I DID understand OMD, 'onest, but what I didn't understand was the piccy joke a few posts above the OMD, which showed some "cook fella" (forget his name) with a picture of a pizza, with, I think, bits of sliced banana on top. And the cook fella was calling the police!

So what was THAT all about? Was it "just" that you don't normally put sliced banana on pizza? (But if you can have pineapple on pizza, why not banana)? But anyway, if that was really the "joke" then I must say I found it pretty weak (not that anyone should care about that)!


----------



## Vann

JimJay said:


> "A man is as old as the woman he feels"...



And he said '12'. I'm calling the cops 

Cheers, Vann.


----------



## SamG340

Vann said:


> And he said '12'. I'm calling the cops
> 
> Cheers, Vann.


----------



## JimJay

Vann said:


> And he said '12'. I'm calling the cops
> 
> Cheers, Vann.



You'd be amazed at how many countries there are where that is perfectly legal....


----------



## Linus

By my last count 23 posts without a single joke


----------



## Phil Pascoe

24


----------



## Jameshow

Phil Pascoe said:


> 24


25......


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Jameshow

Doug B said:


> View attachment 134445



Reminds me of a pond in Devon where they had put 3 wide beam canal boats as holiday lets!


----------



## IZZY

SamG340 said:


> Yea Im jealous ! Also bit envious of your bus pass bets that's useful


I refused my bus pass when I discovered that they don't pick me up at my door.


----------



## dzj

Doug B said:


> View attachment 134445


----------



## Thingybob

AES said:


> OK, I'll start (again!) Thingybob.
> 
> I DID understand OMD, 'onest, but what I didn't understand was the piccy joke a few posts above the OMD, which showed some "cook fella" (forget his name) with a picture of a pizza, with, I think, bits of sliced banana on top. And the cook fella was calling the police!
> 
> So what was THAT all about? Was it "just" that you don't normally put sliced banana on pizza? (But if you can have pineapple on pizza, why not banana)? But anyway, if that was really the "joke" then I must say I found it pretty weak (not that anyone should care about that)!


Gordon Ramsey


----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## Stan

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you.


----------



## Robbo3




----------



## Pineapple

Linus said:


> By my last count 23 posts without a single joke
> View attachment 134439


Quite the opposite - In the modern version, the tourist-dependent towns & villages get to loot you - the "Visitors"


----------



## JimJay

Pineapple said:


> Quite the opposite - In the modern version, the tourist-dependent towns & villages get to loot you - the "Visitors"


While deriding the grockles they're looting, of course


----------



## Vann

Linus said:


> By my last count 23 posts without a single joke



My post (just three above yours) was intended to be humourous.

Cheers, Vann.


----------



## SamG340




----------



## stuart little

SamG340 said:


> Yea Im jealous ! Also bit envious of your bus pass bets that's useful


Not very useful when you want to get an 8x4 sheet or 4.2m 2x4 !! IF you can afford any that is.


----------



## stuart little

AES said:


> OK, I'll start (again!) Thingybob.
> 
> I DID understand OMD, 'onest, but what I didn't understand was the piccy joke a few posts above the OMD, which showed some "cook fella" (forget his name) with a picture of a pizza, with, I think, bits of sliced banana on top. And the cook fella was calling the police!
> 
> So what was THAT all about? Was it "just" that you don't normally put sliced banana on pizza? (But if you can have pineapple on pizza, why not banana)? But anyway, if that was really the "joke" then I must say I found it pretty weak (not that anyone should care about that)!


Same here, 'you're not alone'.


----------



## stuart little

Thingybob said:


> Gordon Ramsey


Oh I see it all now, as the blind man on agalloping horse said. DIn't recognise the bloke anyhow - don't watch cooking programmes 'cos I CAN already cook!


----------



## Majimoto

stuart little said:


> Oh I see it all now, as the blind man on agalloping horse said. DIn't recognise the bloke anyhow - don't watch cooking programmes 'cos I CAN already cook!


Gordon Ramsay or not, I don't get the joke? Apart from the fact that he is a joke-- even without a fantastic pizza!!


----------



## AES

Thanks for the name (Gordon Ramsey). He's even on the box here I think (dubbed into German), but I don't watch cooking programmes 'cos I do NOT cook!


----------



## stuart little

Yeah, me too, what's calling the polis got to do with anything ??? Or as Alf would say"What's got to do with the price of fish?".


----------



## SamG340

stuart little said:


> Yeah, me too, what's calling the polis got to do with anything ??? Or as Alf would say"What's got to do with the price of fish?".



It was a joke ! Lol that's what this threads for right ??


----------



## SamG340

Elon Musk just paid $44 billion for Twitter. What a sucker! I downloaded it from the App Store for FREE!!!


----------



## Majimoto

SamG340 said:


> It was a joke ! Lol that's what this threads for right ??


Nothing about Alf Ramsey is funny!


----------



## dzj




----------



## Stan

In the R[_redacted]_n Federation, data redacts you!


----------



## stuart little

Majimoto said:


> Nothing about Alf Ramsey is funny!


Alf Ramsey? I was referring to Alf out of that crappy Oz soap! Well he was innit 15 or so years ago when I last saw it!


----------



## stuart little

SamG340 said:


> It was a joke ! Lol that's what this threads for right ??


That's why I was trying to keep the joke going, b-u-t , I still can't see what the joke is with bloke looking at pizza & calling police?


----------



## Majimoto

stuart little said:


> Alf Ramsey? I was referring to Alf out of that crappy Oz soap! Well he was innit 15 or so years ago when I last saw it!



Did you see how I was conflating two stories there!
trying to get back the joke theme.!
Hard going!


----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B




----------



## mikej460

Doug B said:


> View attachment 134523


Joking aside we have a bottle of gin beside the milk in the fridge...memories of the Fast Show's Alcoholic Dad!


----------



## Thingybob

AES said:


> Thanks for the name (Gordon Ramsey). He's even on the box here I think (dubbed into German), but I don't watch cooking programmes 'cos I do NOT cook!


He is known for his foul mouth and shouting at failing chefs so if some one served up a bannana pizza he would have you arrested because its ¥€%$₩□¿ #£&@


----------



## Thingybob

Never mind SamG340 we got it and thats all that matters Back to jokes like they used to say when sitting an exam if you dont understand the question move on to the next one ☺


----------



## Robbo3




----------



## Alex H

Majimoto said:


> Gordon Ramsay or not, I don't get the joke? Apart from the fact that he is a joke-- even without a fantastic pizza!!



He is famous (infamous?) for saying (shouting?) that fruit should NEVER be added to Pizza.

here's a joke to make up for thread drift


----------



## Jameshow

A bus full of housewives going on a picnic ,
fell into a river ,
all died .
Each husband cried for a week ,
one husband continued for more than two weeks !!!
When asked that did he miss his wife so much ?
he replied miserably :
No
My wife
missed
the bus !!!


----------



## Yorkieguy

Weird green light on dashboard - huh?


----------



## SamG340




----------



## fixit45

Jameshow said:


> A bus full of housewives going on a picnic ,
> fell into a river ,
> all died .
> Each husband cried for a week ,
> one husband continued for more than two weeks !!!
> When asked that did he miss his wife so much ?
> he replied miserably :
> No
> My wife
> missed
> the bus !!!


I am sorry to say my wife died last year, and I personally do not find this joke funny. But that's my problem.


----------



## Thingybob

Whilst having coffee in town i overheard the man on the next table order a coffee and a slice of gattocks the posh waitress corrected him and said its gateaux sir , Well bolleaux to that i will have the carrot cake


----------



## selectortone

fixit45 said:


> I am sorry to say my wife died last year, and I personally do not find this joke funny. But that's my problem.


Yes, in poor taste for anyone who has lost their wife - like me. My condolences Fixit45.


----------



## Jameshow

fixit45 said:


> I am sorry to say my wife died last year, and I personally do not find this joke funny. But that's my problem.


Sorry no offence intended. 

Condolences.


----------



## Blister

Yorkieguy said:


> Weird green light on dashboard - huh?



Only if it flashes on and off


----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## MikeK




----------



## dzj




----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## Pineapple

dzj said:


> View attachment 134686


If you don't know, how on earth can you expect her to tell you ?


----------



## joethedrummer

Cozzer said:


> _"Bloody hell! Quarter to four in the morning, and somebody's knocking on our door!"_, moaned the bloke to his wife.
> _"Probably been to the pub for a lockdown....lucky him....remember those days, dear? When we had a life..."_ he droned on.....
> Another few knocks followed.
> _"God almighty! Are we ever going to get any sleep?!"_
> He turned over, pulling the duvet over his head.
> Louder, most determined knocking.....
> Laddo cursed, leapt out of bed, threw on his dressing gown and opened the bedroom window.
> _"For Christ's sake!", _he bellowed,_"What do you want?!"_
> A plaintive little voice answered.
> "Sorry to wake you. Can you give me a push please?"
> _"Pineapple*** off!"_, shouted the bloke.
> "What's going on?" asked his wife as the bloke climbed back into bed.
> _"Some cretin's stuck, and wants a push.....I told him to forget it"_
> His wife thought for a moment, before reminding him of a similar event that had happened to them a few years before.
> "Remember? We'd broken down in the middle of nowhere, we'd the three kids in the back and it was tippling down with rain? And those two blokes appeared out of the gloom and got us going again? Remember?"
> _"Yes, yes, OK, OK, I'll go down....."_
> The bloke threw some clothes on, went downstairs and opened his door.
> _"Are you still there?"_
> "Yes" came the reply, from around the corner.
> _"Are you still wanting a push?"_
> "Yes, please...."
> _"Where are you? I can't see you....."_ said the bloke, peering into the darkness....
> "Over here", came the voice, "On the swings....."
> 
> 
> *** Thought I'd censor it myself to save the mod some time!


,,wifes mobile rang during the night , so i answered an told the bloke to call the weather centre,, wife says ,who was that ?, i said , some bloke wanted to know if the coast was clear,,


----------



## dzj

Pineapple said:


> If you don't know, how on earth can you expect her to tell you ?


She doesn't know either, but will happily explore many a possibility together with you.
At 50 Euros* a session. 

*local prices.


----------



## flying haggis

In 1972, Joe Miller was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Tulsa Junior College.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Joe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Joe worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to Joe, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Joe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Joe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Thirty years later, Joe was walking through the Tulsa Zoo with his family. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Joe and his family were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Joe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times, then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1972, Joe could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Joe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Joe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.



Probably wasn't the same elephant.









This is for everyone who sends those heart-warming BS stories


----------



## stuart little

Yorkieguy said:


> Weird green light on dashboard - huh?


Doess it flash?


----------



## Phil Pascoe

No one knows.


----------



## swisstony

A group of women from Perth, Australia were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"

All the women raised their hands. Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband - "I love you, Sweetheart."

Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.



If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love. Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?


*Below are the 11 replies. *

1. Who the hell is this?

2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?

3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?

4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?

5. I don't understand what you mean.

6. What the hell did you do now?

7. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need.

8. Am I dreaming?

9. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

10. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.

11. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?


----------



## DRC

Yorkieguy said:


> Weird green light on dashboard - huh?


Looks like indicater problems it should flash unless one of the LED's or Lamps have failed then it could be static


----------



## MikeK

DRC said:


> Looks like indicater problems it should flash unless one of the LED's or Lamps have failed then it could be static



The joke is BMW drivers have a reputation for not using the turn signals, so the driver does not recognize the light on the dash.


----------



## SamG340

MikeK said:


> The joke is BMW drivers have a reputation for not using the turn signals, so the driver does not recognize the light on the dash.



It's not so funny when you have to explain it


----------



## DRC

Having been a BMW Owner & Driver for 40+ years I can tell you Mr Moderator (In Germany) it is not generally accepted by other drivers here that BMW drivers are any worse at said "not using indicators turn signals" that any other make of car driver.


----------



## MikeK

DRC said:


> Having been a BMW Owner & Driver for 40+ years I can tell you Mr Moderator (In Germany) it is not generally accepted by other drivers here that BMW drivers are any worse at said "not using indicators turn signals" that any other make of car driver.


Lighten up...this is the Joke thread and the Internet is full of references to BMW drivers and turn signals.


----------



## SamG340

DRC said:


> Having been a BMW Owner & Driver for 40+ years I can tell you Mr Moderator (In Germany) it is not generally accepted by other drivers here that BMW drivers are any worse at said "not using indicators turn signals" that any other make of car driver.



Typical BMW driver ...


----------



## artie

SamG340 said:


> Typical BMW driver ...


They usually can't park any less than 3 ft from the kerb either.

BTW, I had a BMW for a while, never again.


----------



## Flynnwood

THE BAD DAY CURE - Anon (an oldie from the internet) 

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day and you just need to take it out on someone!!!

Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!!!

I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a toss-er!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "toss-er," and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a toss-er!" It would always cheer me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the toss-er. Then one day I had an idea. I dialled his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a toss-er!"

The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial xxxx 823-4863. Keep reading, it gets better.!

CHAPTER 2

An old lady at the shopping centre really took her time pulling out of the parking pace. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black BMW came flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulled into her space. I hit the horn and started yelling, "You can't do that. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his BMW completely ignoring me. He walked toward the shopping centre as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a toss-er, there sure are a lot of toss-ers in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just got off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're a toss-er!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black BMW lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy too. After a couple of rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 182 West street, London. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front." I said, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes,"
"Don, you're a toss-er!" And I slammed the phone down.

After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialler. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two toss-ers to call.

Then, after several months of calling the toss-ers and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution:

First, I had my phone dial toss-er number 1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello." I yelled "You're a toss-er!", but I didn't hang up. The toss-er said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No." He said, "What's your name, Pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
He said "Where do you live?"
"182 West Street, London. It's a yellow house and my black BMW's parked out front."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, toss-er!" and I hung up.
Then I called toss-er number 2. He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, toss-er!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your ass."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, toss-er!"
And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 182 West Street, London and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as I got home. I climbed into my car and headed over to West Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious!

Watching the two toss-ers kicking the rubbish out of each other before being arrested was one of the greatest experiences of my life!

Name withheld to protect the guilty.


----------



## Noel

DRC said:


> Having been a BMW Owner & Driver for 40+ years I can tell you Mr Moderator (In Germany) it is not generally accepted by other drivers here that BMW drivers are any worse at said "not using indicators turn signals" that any other make of car driver.



There's always the old joke.... 
What's the difference between a BMW and a Hedgehog? 

There was a survey not so long ago, I think 40% odd said BMW drivers were generally seen as a "problem", worse even than Audi drivers.


----------



## Jameshow

Just having a drink and a chat with a bloke over a pint in my local last night.

I discovered he was worth around £4 million and he told me the amazing story of how he got so rich.

Basically when he left school he had little or no formal qualifications but he was good with his hands and he knew how to sell.

He knew he was never going to make it in an office job so it was nose to the grindstone time.

He left school at 15 and bought an old series Land Rover and spent a few weeks fixing it up, he then sold it for profit. He then used the money to buy another and so on. He did this a lot over the next 35 years, buying, repairing, selling, buying again.

He eventually moved onto Defenders in the 90's and then onto Range Rovers in the last eight or nine years.

Even during the real bad times he plugged away. He worked long hours as you do in the Land Rover trade, sometimes not seeing his wife and kids for days in pursuit of his goal.

Then his uncle died and left him £4 million


----------



## Phil Pascoe

Paraphrasing Jethro from a couple of decades ago.


----------



## Pedronicus

MikeK said:


> The joke is BMW drivers have a reputation for not using the turn signals, so the driver does not recognize the light on the dash.


And only certain high end models are actually fitted with indicators!!


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## SamG340

Noel said:


> What's the difference between a BMW and a Hedgehog?



Go on, what is the difference between a BMW and a Hedgehog ?


----------



## joethedrummer

SamG340 said:


> Go on, what is the difference between a BMW and a Hedgehog ?


I chuckled,, inside or outside,,,,,


----------



## Recky33

I’m not going to say who…. but a friend called me earlier and asked if I would loan her £1300 to help pay her rent. Those who know me, know that I’m always willing to help out friends & family. I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her back, her brother called to let me know that she was lying and not to give her the money !!
He went on to say that the real reason she wanted the £1300 was to get her boyfriend out of jail so she could be under the same roof as him for his birthday




I thought about it for a minute and decided to give her the money because we all need help at times.
A couple of hours later I get a call from the police station. It was her - crying, screaming and asking why I gave her counterfeit money




My response…. so you and your boyfriend could be under the same roof for his birthday!


----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## Jameshow

BBQ RULES:
We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat
Important again:
( THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes
And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.


----------



## Thingybob

Flynnwood said:


> THE BAD DAY CURE - Anon (an oldie from the internet)
> 
> For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day and you just need to take it out on someone!!!
> 
> Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!!!
> 
> I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"
> 
> Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a toss-er!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "toss-er," and put it in my desk drawer.
> 
> Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a toss-er!" It would always cheer me up.
> 
> Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the toss-er. Then one day I had an idea. I dialled his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a toss-er!"
> 
> The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial xxxx 823-4863. Keep reading, it gets better.!
> 
> CHAPTER 2
> 
> An old lady at the shopping centre really took her time pulling out of the parking pace. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black BMW came flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulled into her space. I hit the horn and started yelling, "You can't do that. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his BMW completely ignoring me. He walked toward the shopping centre as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a toss-er, there sure are a lot of toss-ers in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.
> 
> A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just got off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're a toss-er!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black BMW lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy too. After a couple of rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
> 
> "Yes, it is."
> "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
> "Yes, I live at 182 West street, London. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front." I said, "What's your name?"
> "My name is Don Hansen."
> "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
> "I'm home in the evenings."
> "Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
> "Yes,"
> "Don, you're a toss-er!" And I slammed the phone down.
> 
> After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialler. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two toss-ers to call.
> 
> Then, after several months of calling the toss-ers and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution:
> 
> First, I had my phone dial toss-er number 1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello." I yelled "You're a toss-er!", but I didn't hang up. The toss-er said, "Are you still there?"
> I said, "Yeah."
> He said, "Stop calling me."
> I said, "No." He said, "What's your name, Pal?"
> I said, "Don Hansen."
> He said "Where do you live?"
> "182 West Street, London. It's a yellow house and my black BMW's parked out front."
> "I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."
> "Yeah, like I'm really scared, toss-er!" and I hung up.
> Then I called toss-er number 2. He answered, "Hello."
> I said, "Hello, toss-er!"
> He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
> "You'll what?"
> "I'll kick your ass."
> "Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, toss-er!"
> And I hung up.
> Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 182 West Street, London and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as I got home. I climbed into my car and headed over to West Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious!
> 
> Watching the two toss-ers kicking the rubbish out of each other before being arrested was one of the greatest experiences of my life!
> 
> Name withheld to protect the guilty.


Score out of 10 for comedy value 2


----------



## Robbo3




----------



## JimJay

MikeK said:


> Lighten up...this is the Joke thread and the Internet is full of references to BMW drivers and turn signals.


You're correct - in most of Europe it's regarded as typical of people driving Mercedes, Porsche and Audi as well. It's unfair to pick on BMW drivers...


DRC said:


> Having been a BMW Owner & Driver for 40+ years I can tell you Mr Moderator (In Germany) it is not generally accepted by other drivers here that BMW drivers are any worse at said "not using indicators turn signals" that any other make of car driver.



You're correct - in most of Europe it's regarded as typical of people driving Mercedes, Porsche and Audi as well. It's very unfair to pick on BMW drivers...


----------



## kinverkid




----------



## SamG340




----------



## fixit45

Noel said:


> There's always the old joke....
> What's the difference between a BMW and a Hedgehog?
> 
> There was a survey not so long ago, I think 40% odd said BMW drivers were generally seen as a "problem", worse even than Audi drivers.


Volvo drivers beat all of the others hands down.


----------



## Thingybob

fixit45 said:


> Volvo drivers beat all of the others hands down.


Right time for a road users etiquete thread " At the next junction green flashy thing and turn left " bye


----------



## stuart little

MikeK said:


> The joke is BMW drivers have a reputation for not using the turn signals, so the driver does not recognize the light on the dash.


No doubt German BMW drivers, but in UK all makes!


----------



## Phil Russell

fixit45 said:


> Volvo drivers beat all of the others hands down.


Maybe ... but I still wear green wellies (2 Volvos)


----------



## stuart little

Pedronicus said:


> View attachment 134781


And that's the English language for you!


----------



## stuart little

Old McDonald had a farm, after it burned down old 'Mucky Don' opened a take-away!


----------



## Hutzul

stuart little said:


> No doubt German BMW drivers, but in UK all makes!


And especially Taxi Drivers in UK !


----------



## Droogs

stuart little said:


> And that's the English language for you!


Isn't it wonderfully contortionistic


----------



## Lard

DRC said:


> Having been a BMW Owner & Driver for 40+ years I can tell you Mr Moderator (In Germany) it is not generally accepted by other drivers here that BMW drivers are any worse at said "not using indicators turn signals" that any other make of car driver.



Now, that IS funny


----------



## Jameshow




----------



## Jameshow

fixit45 said:


> Volvo drivers beat all of the others hands down.


Hardly!! 

XC90 is said to be the safest ever car perhaps due to the people who drive them!! 

I think it's quite often people who learnt to drive else where that don't move over on the motorway.


----------



## nickds1

artie said:


> They usually can't park any less than 3 ft from the kerb either.
> 
> BTW, I had a BMW for a while, never again.


Back in my bachelor days (1988 - "E" reg) I had a Lachs Silver E30 LHD M3 as a company car and my daily driver - one of the only 500 built as a homologation series.

Total BEAST ! It was Top Gear's "Car of the Decade". Loved it. Brilliant motor... especially as I'm 6' 4" tall and there are few sports cars I can actually fit into, let alone drive...

In good nick with reasonable mileage, they can now fetch north of £100k. I sold mine a long time ago and as far as I know it eventually got rust and was broken for parts... sad.


----------



## Noel

nickds1 said:


> Back in my bachelor days (1988 - "E" reg) I had a Lachs Silver E30 LHD M3 as a company car and my daily driver - one of the only 500 built as a homologation series.
> 
> Total BEAST ! It was Top Gear's "Car of the Decade". Loved it. Brilliant motor... especially as I'm 6' 4" tall and there are few sports cars I can actually fit into, let alone drive...
> 
> In good nick with reasonable mileage, they can now fetch north of £100k. I sold mine a long time ago and as far as I know it eventually got rust and was broken for parts... sad.



Overall must’ve been near 20k E30 M3 models produced.
Nice cars, had a few. Evo and Cecotto editions were good.


----------



## nickds1

Noel said:


> Overall must’ve been near 20k E30 M3 models produced.


...but only 500 of the original E30 LHD homologation series...

As I'd been working in France & Switzerland, I'd been driving a RHD car on the continent, so driving a LHD car in the UK was easy.

I did improve my driving as I bought progressively more sporty cars - lots of track days with 1-2-1 instruction, skid pan days and years of keeping my IAM Advanced Driver's certificate to gold standard.

I've always been surprised that the UK driving test doesn't require any skid training.


----------



## Jameshow

Noel said:


> Overall must’ve been near 20k E30 M3 models produced.
> Nice cars, had a few. Evo and Cecotto editions were good.


Really like that model, E36 dosent do it for me E46 better.


----------



## Daniel2




----------



## Linus

Now the historical car owners thread


----------



## dzj




----------



## Jameshow




----------



## Jameshow




----------



## SamG340

Linus said:


> Now the historical car owners thread


----------



## Thingybob

May ,Hammond and Clarkson are guesting on the joke thread 2 next week that will be fun


----------



## IZZY

Thingybob said:


> May ,Hammond and Clarkson are guesting on the joke thread 2 next week that will be fun


Wow what a result. Three jokes for the price of one.


----------



## SamG340

IZZY said:


> Wow what a result. Three jokes for the price of one.



I think the whole Richard hammond part was a bit of a car crash ...


----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## OCtoolguy

Yorkieguy said:


> Weird green light on dashboard - huh?


I never knew they had those on a Beemer. I've NEVER seen them in use til now.


----------



## OCtoolguy

DRC said:


> Having been a BMW Owner & Driver for 40+ years I can tell you Mr Moderator (In Germany) it is not generally accepted by other drivers here that BMW drivers are any worse at said "not using indicators turn signals" that any other make of car driver.


Here in the U.S. Porsche, BMW and Mercedes drivers have no idea what those little levers on the left of the steering column are for. They've never given them a try. And most of them are obnoxious anyway so there is that too.


----------



## JimJay

OCtoolguy said:


> Here in the U.S. Porsche, BMW and Mercedes drivers have no idea what those little levers on the left of the steering column are for. They've never given them a try. And most of them are obnoxious anyway so there is that too.



To be fair, most drivers in the US don't know what clutch pedals and gear sticks are for either...


----------



## Scruples

JimJay said:


> You're correct - in most of Europe it's regarded as typical of people driving Mercedes, Porsche and Audi as well. It's unfair to pick on BMW drivers...
> 
> 
> You're correct - in most of Europe it's regarded as typical of people driving Mercedes, Porsche and Audi as well. It's very unfair to pick on BMW drivers...



But, I have to speak as I find and I find less indicating going on with BMW drivers than with others on the road. When they do surprise me by indicating, it tends to be when they get the sequence wrong and end up indicating as they are already at the junction, or roundabout, so they, in fact, indicate their manoeuvre rather than the intention. Manoeuvre, indicate, mirror; the mirror being optional.


----------



## Jester129

Speed limits don't apply to Mercedes drivers......


----------



## Oakay

This car argument has ceased to be funny, but here's another one, BMW drivers seem to be pretty serious about their driving and easily offended. Can we even have a joke thread without upsetting people's feelings if there is a whiff of prejudice? Sorry, I should have added "_some"_ BMW drivers... That's the problem I think, but what comedian ever started a sentence with the word "S_ome"_?


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Yorkieguy




----------



## Yorkieguy




----------



## JAW911

SamG340 said:


> Typical BMW driver ...


My wife and I both drive BMWs ……often wondered what the intermittent green flashing lights were for.


----------



## stuart little

JimJay said:


> You're correct - in most of Europe it's regarded as typical of people driving Mercedes, Porsche and Audi as well. It's unfair to pick on BMW drivers...
> 
> 
> You're correct - in most of Europe it's regarded as typical of people driving Mercedes, Porsche and Audi as well. It's very unfair to pick on BMW drivers...


Looks like we're losing the thread again ffolks!


----------



## stuart little

Thingybob said:


> May ,Hammond and Clarkson are guesting on the joke thread 2 next week that will be fun


I'll nip up the road & have words with Hamster!


----------



## Alex H

*The Old Man And The Beaver*

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check up. 

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 85-year-old replied "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child - so what do you think about that Doc ?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting and, in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.

"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

"Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle, and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

"Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.

The 85-year-old said "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied , "My point exactly."


----------



## SamG340




----------



## Yorkieguy




----------



## SamG340

Oakay said:


> This car argument has ceased to be funny, but here's another one, BMW drivers seem to be pretty serious about their driving and easily offended. Can we even have a joke thread without upsetting people's feelings if there is a whiff of prejudice? Sorry, I should have added "_some"_ BMW drivers... That's the problem I think, but what comedian ever started a sentence with the word "S_ome"_?



I think we should have a joke thread WITH upsetting people's feelings, especially BMW drivers

It's more fun that way


----------



## Thingybob

JAW911 said:


> My wife and I both drive BMWs ……often wondered what the intermittent green flashing lights were for.


Its just not funny any more Arrrrgggg


----------



## MorrisWoodman12

SamG340 said:


> I think we should have a joke thread WITH upsetting people's feelings, especially BMW drivers
> 
> It's more fun that way


Yes! Oh YES! A non PC joke thread. We're all far too pc and woke these days. No fun in that.


----------



## Thingybob

With all these non funny jokes about BMWs it proves they are a very common car


----------



## SamG340

Back in the day BMW drivers were the worst on the road but take a look around next time you're out and about... 

it's Audi drivers that are the real problem now


----------



## Thingybob

SamG340 said:


> Back in the day BMW drivers were the worst on the road but take a look around next time you're out and about...
> 
> it's Audi drivers that are the real problem now


Not you too Sam


----------



## fixit45

zzzzzZZZZZZ yawn.


----------



## TRITON




----------



## Lorenzl

I think Audi have overtaken BMW as the worst drivers as a lot of company car drivers moved over to them about 10 years ago. I remember talking to a BMW salesman at a party about that time and he said they had stopped promoting their cars with a boy racer image.


----------



## SamG340




----------



## SamG340

A LAWYER is getting out of his BMW when a semi rolls by, taking the open door clean off. A nearby cop has seen all of this, and runs over.
The lawyer immediately starts screaming and gesticulating about the value of his beamer and how much it’s going to cost him to get it fixed.

The cop loses his patience and says, “You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is money!”

The lawyer is incensed and says, “How dare you call me materialistic? Do you know what I earn an hour? You have no idea what kind of pressure I’m under!”

The cop says, “Well, you’re so concerned about your beamer, you didn’t notice the truck took your arm off at the elbow.”

The lawyer looks down and screams “#@*&! My rolex!”


----------



## Jameshow

Audi S3 are the boy racers vehicle if choice up here as well as drug dealers... 

BMW do seem to have toned them down..


----------



## OCtoolguy

JimJay said:


> To be fair, most drivers in the US don't know what clutch pedals and gear sticks are for either...


That is very true. We use the shift pattern as a secret code for "millenials".


----------



## Lorenzl

I was watching a carjacking on Youtube the other day. The car jacker couldn't drive the car as it was a manual and ran off


----------



## JimJay

Lorenzl said:


> I was watching a carjacking on Youtube the other day. The car jacker couldn't drive the car as it was a manual and ran off



Why "ran" off? It seems that actually punishing crims nowadays is an affront to their human rights and self esteem - I'm surprised that the owner of the car wasn't arrested for attempted entrapment.....


----------



## stuart little

OCtoolguy said:


> Here in the U.S. Porsche, BMW and Mercedes drivers have no idea what those little levers on the left of the steering column are for. They've never given them a try. And most of them are obnoxious anyway so there is that too.


I thought it was an offence NOT to indicate over there or is it only certain states?


----------



## JimJay

stuart little said:


> I thought it was an offence NOT to indicate over there or is it only certain states?



No, it's only if a camera or a cop sees you.....


----------



## stuart little

SamG340 said:


> View attachment 134876
> View attachment 134877
> View attachment 134878


----------



## MorrisWoodman12

Jameshow said:


> Audi S3 are the boy racers vehicle if choice up here as well as drug dealers...


I'm not sure if you're complimenting me or not, as an S3 owning 70 something. Glad I'm down south otherwise I'd be a drug dealing boy racer.


----------



## Linus

They used to do jokes on this thread! RIP


----------



## Pedronicus

stuart little said:


> I thought it was an offence NOT to indicate over there or is it only certain states?


According to my son who has recently got a Texas driving licence ""Once you indicate, you go. No ifs, no buts - just go as it's what everyone expects!"


----------



## Linus

At the risk of starting an educational standards thread!


----------



## Thingybob

Give linus a medal for valour in the face of BMW invasion of joke thread , Well done sir keep up the good fight


----------



## MorrisWoodman12

Linus said:


> They used to do jokes on this thread! RIP


Oh well. The Joke Thread is dead. Long live the Joke Thread. 
Whereabouts is Joke Thread III?


----------



## dzj




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## ElizaTea

Have a good week everyone…..


----------



## Doug B




----------



## kinverkid




----------



## OCtoolguy

Jester129 said:


> Speed limits don't apply to Mercedes drivers......


Nor does much else.


----------



## dzj




----------



## Pineapple

MorrisWoodman12 said:


> Oh well. The Joke Thread is dead. Long live the Joke Thread.
> Whereabouts is Joke Thread III?


MR. MODERATOR ! - PLEASE START JOKE THREAD 3 !


----------



## Stan

Why were the first 6 Star Wars films filmed in the order 4 5 6 1 2 3?

Because Yoda production in charge of was.


----------



## Phill05

Pineapple said:


> MR. MODERATOR ! - PLEASE START JOKE THREAD 3 !



It might be a bit hard to stop thread 2 as a MODERATOR started the BMW

MikeK Edit: I didn't start the BMW joke, I explained it. 

Phill Edit: My bad MikeK I thought I saw you with a starting handle in your fist.


----------



## Alex H

A different 85 year old guy went to the doctor .................................

So he tells his doctor that he has taken a beautiful 20 Yr old bride and for the last 12 months had been trying for a family. But alas no luck so far.

The doctor in his wisdom, advises the old man - "why don't you take in a lodger".

Six months pass by and the old man bumps into the doctor and says "doctor, I must thank you for suggesting taking in a lodger. My wife is pregnant and expecting a child in a few months."

The doctor with a smile, said "I thought that might help - what's happened to the lodger?"

The old man replied "oh, she's pregnant as well".


----------



## nickds1

My only comment to the complainers:

There are probably more posts whining about the BMW comments than the BMW comments themselves.

Similarly, folk complaining about not understanding other people humour is just wasted space too as are all the comments calling for yet another joke/humour thread. 

On other fora with similar joke/humour threads, stuff just runs its course - folk just relax and accept the occasional off-topic ramblings and should things get out of hand, rely on the moderators to bring it back in line.

Just chill.

The corrollary of this implies that this post is wasted space too, which if course it is as it should be completely unnecessary.


----------



## MorrisWoodman12

nickds1 said:


> Just chill.



Yeah man! 
Oops! Sorry. Unnecessary post.


----------



## AES

nickds1 said:


> My only comment to the complainers:
> 
> There are probably more posts whining about the BMW comments than the BMW comments themselves.
> 
> Similarly, folk complaining about not understanding other people humour is just wasted space too as are all the comments calling for yet another joke/humour thread.
> 
> On other fora with similar joke/humour threads, stuff just runs its course - folk just relax and accept the occasional off-topic ramblings and should things get out of hand, rely on the moderators to bring it back in line.
> 
> Just chill.
> 
> The corrollary of this implies that this post is wasted space too, which if course it is as it should be completely unnecessary.



As one of the most prolific "I didn't understand that joke-ers" I accept the rebuke. You Sir are dead right. I'l try to stop (there are a couple above that I just don't get, but miracle, I've stayed quiet!


----------



## Phill05

nickds1 said:


> My only comment to the complainers:
> 
> There are probably more posts whining about the BMW comments than the BMW comments themselves.
> 
> Similarly, folk complaining about not understanding other people humour is just wasted space too as are all the comments calling for yet another joke/humour thread.
> 
> On other fora with similar joke/humour threads, stuff just runs its course - folk just relax and accept the occasional off-topic ramblings and should things get out of hand, rely on the moderators to bring it back in line.
> 
> Just chill.
> 
> The corrollary of this implies that this post is wasted space too, which if course it is as it should be completely unnecessary.



Maybe rename the Joke Thread II to: Humour-Less-I that should cover all entries.


----------



## Tris

Humerus posts, it's all armless fun





IGMC


----------



## Yorkieguy




----------



## Stan

Phill05 said:


> Maybe rename the Joke Thread II to: Humour-Less-I that should cover all entries.





Error 404:
Humour not found.


----------



## Stan

A young man gets sent to prison for the first time. All the guys in his prison wing are old lags and have been together for some time. The young man, feeling daunted, sits down to his first prison meal with the others. They eat in silence accompanied by the usual burps, slurps and farts, except that every now and then one of them calls out a number. This is followed by chuckles, laughs and short comments like "nice one", et cetera. Then silence for a short while before somebody else calls out a different number, again followed by comments such as the above. The young man is puzzled, but wisely keeps his mouth shut.

Later that day, the young man asks his cell mate what the number calling is all about. The old lag explains that they only know twenty jokes and have told them for so long that they are numbered. To save effort, instead of telling a joke, a prisoner just calls out its number. Everybody knows what they mean.

This goes on every meal time until after a few days, the young man plucks up his courage. He wants to be accepted by these hard cases, so one breakfast during a silence he calls out "twelve". Silence. No response. He tries again: "seven". The nearest twenty faces turn towards him and eyeball him. Frightened, the young man shrivels in his seat and keeps his eyes down. He doesn't utter a peep for the rest of the day.

That evening in the relative safety of his cell, the young man asks his cell mate what he did wrong.
"Oh don't worry", his cellmate answers. "It's just the way you tell them".


----------



## SamG340

There's more posts here complaining about off topic posts than there are off topic posts ! 

So this is me, posting an off topic post to complain about all the people posting off topic posts complaining about other people's off topic posts


----------



## Vann

A young man stops in a small town for the night. At the pub are a bunch of locals who have obviously been meeting there for many a year. The young man sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Every now and then one of the locals calls out a number. This is followed by chuckles, laughs and short comments like "nice one", et cetera. Then silence for a short while before somebody else calls out a different number, again followed by comments such as the above. The young man is puzzled.

He gestures to the barman and quietly asks what the number calling is all about. The barman explains that they have been telling the same jokes for so long that they have numbered them to save time and effort.

"21". Chuckles.

"63". A titter.

"46". Some laughs.

After around 30 minutes, the young man plucks up his courage. "72" he calls.

There's an uproar. The regulars are laughing, spilling their drinks, falling off seats, rolling on the floor.

The young man turns to the barman and says "That must be a good one"?

"Yeah" says the barman "they've never heard that one before".


----------



## MikeK

Last night I was walking home in the dark and had to pass by the town cemetery. As I got close to the cemetery, three young women stood up from the bench they were sitting on and asked if they could walk with me. They were afraid to walk near the cemetery alone. I smiled and told them "Sure." As we walked past the cemetery gate, I said "I'll be honest with you, I used to be a bit scared of the cemetery as well when I was still alive."

I've never seen anyone run so fast.


----------



## niemeyjt

Tris said:


> Humerus posts, it's all armless fun
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> IGMC



Is that near the funny bone?


----------



## AES

niemeyjt said:


> Is that near the funny bone?



Nah. 'cos 'ee was laughing 'til 'ee was legless. (Hat, coat, ................ door)


----------



## Jameshow

MikeK said:


> Last night I was walking home in the dark and had to pass by the town cemetery. As I got close to the cemetery, three young women stood up from the bench they were sitting on and asked if they could walk with me. They were afraid to walk near the cemetery alone. I smiled and told them "Sure." As we walked past the cemetery gate, I said "I'll be honest with you, I used to be a bit scared of the cemetery as well when I was still alive."
> 
> I've never seen anyone run so fast.


I picked up a hitch hiker the other day, he asked me if I wasn't scared of picking up a serial killer....nah I said what's the chance of two being in the same car together.. !


----------



## Yorkieguy




----------



## John Brown

niemeyjt said:


> Is that near the funny bone?


I believe that's the origin of the term "funny bone". It's a medical student joke.


----------



## John Brown

Jameshow said:


> I picked up a hitch hiker the other day, he asked me if I wasn't scared of picking up a serial killer....nah I said what's the chance of two being in the same car together.. !


I love jokes that rely on a fundamental misunderstanding of odds


----------



## Zedgeezer

SamG340 said:


> There's more posts here complaining about off topic posts than there are off topic posts ! So this is me, posting an off topic post to complain about all the people posting off topic posts complaining about other people's off topic posts


Congratulations, you've just done my head in, or should this be posted in the off topic thread. Oh. I think have?


----------



## Sandyn




----------



## SamG340

Zedgeezer said:


> Congratulations, you've just done my head in, or should this be posted in the off topic thread. Oh. I think have?



I'm not even going to try to describe your post .. let alone mine !


----------



## Kittyhawk

A young woman, the daughter of the owner of a NZ high country sheep station is boarding in the big city and attending the university. She meets up with a young man and as the romance blossoms decides its time she took him home to meet the family.
This they do and arrive on Sunday just in time for lunch. Sunday lunch is a traditionally gargantuan affair, a huge table laden with food and surrounded by parents, uncles and aunts, nephews, the farm managers...even one of the farm dogs thats allowed inside takes his place under the boyfriend's chair in the hope that he'll be a soft touch for a handout.
First up is a creamy pumpkin soup. City boy's intestines are not used to such sumptuous fare and a little fart ensues whereupon the farmer leans sideways in his chair, lifts the tablecloth and says 'git out of it, dog!' Relieved at not being thought responsible, city boy tucks into the main course which results in another, louder report. Again the farmer leans sideways in his chair, lifts the table cloth and shouts 'git out of it, dog!' Dessert arrives, a rich home made chocolate cake smothered in cream and this results in yet another explosive outburst that is really heading up the decibel scale. Once again, the farmer leans sideways in his chair, lifts the tablecloth and roars 'git out of it dog, before he sh!ts on yer.'

As it happens, city boy has an uncle living on the station, a retired shepherd living alone in a shepherds hut 10 miles up the track so later in the day he borrows one of the farm's quad bikes to pay the old man a visit.
Uncle is delighted to see his almost unknown nephew and insists that he stays for dinner. 'I'll make us a stew,' he says. 'Pass me down the pot.' Nephew reaches for the battered old enamel pot, looks inside and says, 'Uncle, is this pot clean?' Uncle replies ' Boy, there's no electricity or other luxuries up here but that pot's as clean as cold water can get it'
With the stew bubbling away on the wood stove, uncle asks for a couple of plates. Again nephew asks, 'Uncle, are these plates clean?' 
'Like I told you son, those plates are as clean as cold water can get 'em.'
As they finish their meal the door creaks open a little and uncle's mangy old dog pokes his nose inside.
'Cold water!' shouts uncle. 'Git back outside!'


----------



## Stan

Billy burglar breaks into a very posh house one dark night. He carefully levers open the French windows, enters and slides them shut again. As he tiptoes across the plush carpet he is startled by a strange voice:

"Jesus and me are watching you".

He freezes momentarily, and then peers around in the gloom. "Funny", he thinks, "there's nobody here. I must be imagining things". After a short pause, he begins tiptoeing again. He goes across to a very expensive wooden cabinet and with his gloved hands starts feeling around it, considering the best way to lever it open.

"I told you! Jesus and me are watching you".

This time he is really scared. He feels panic rising with the bile from his stomach, but forces it down. He flicks on a pencil torch and carefully shines it around the room, looking for whoever spoke. Nobody there. Puzzled, he notices a large bird cage in the corner of the room with a parrot sat inside it. The parrot is eyeballing him with a single beady eye. Slowly, Billy slides across the carpet until he is almost eye to eye with the parrot.

"Was that you?" Billy whispers.

"Yes", said the parrot. "And Jesus and me are watching you", he warns.

Billy lets out a sigh of relief. Coming down from his nerves he says the first thing that comes into his head.

"What's your name?"

"Marmaduke", said the parrot. "And Jesus and me are watching you".

"Marmaduke? That's a stupid name for a parrot!" Billy snorts.

"Yes", the parrot said. "But not half as stupid as Jesus the rottweiler".


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Doug B




----------



## MorrisWoodman12

SamG340 said:


> There's more posts here complaining about off topic posts than there are off topic posts !
> 
> So this is me, posting an off topic post to complain about all the people posting off topic posts complaining about other people's off topic posts


How about a new rule: no off topic comments can be posted unless accompanied by a joke. That should quarter the number of off topic comments and double the number of jokes.
But since this is off topic and doesn't include a joke this doesn't exist, it's just a figment of your collective imaginations.


----------



## Yorkieguy




----------



## Limey Lurker

Yorkieguy said:


> View attachment 135058


Is that the BMW that everyone's been talking about?


----------



## Phill05

No it's a battery.


----------



## Thingybob

Limey Lurker said:


> Is that the BMW that everyone's been talking about?


Grrrrrrrrrr


----------



## stuart little

SamG340 said:


> There's more posts here complaining about off topic posts than there are off topic posts !
> 
> So this is me, posting an off topic post to complain about all the people posting off topic posts complaining about other people's off topic posts


Can I complain about you posting off topic?


----------



## ElizaTea

May the 4th be with you….


----------



## AES

Sorry, but that looks like a FORK to me (once again, hat, coat ................................... door)!


----------



## Jameshow

AES said:


> Sorry, but that looks like a FORK to me (once again, hat, coat ................................... door)!


I don't get it either!


----------



## Thingybob

AES said:


> Sorry, but that looks like a FORK to me (once again, hat, coat ................................... door)!


Trid ent was funny to me ....................(wait for me)


----------



## IZZY

Thingybob said:


> Trid ent was funny to me ....................(wait for me)


I'm sure nobody has missed it but ........ 4 th.... fork... force. If there is another joke in there I'm sorry.


----------



## nickds1

Good lord. Folk are slow. May 4th is International Star Wars Day, as in “ May the Force be with you”. Think about it. If you are still lost, stop reading now and move on to the next comment.

The painting is a modified version of “American Gothic” by Grant Wood American Gothic - Grant Wood (American, 1891-1942) - Google Arts & Culture

The heads have been replaced with two major Star Wars characters, Princess Leia Organa (played by Carrie Fisher) and Governor Tarkin (played by Peter Cushing).

It’s a JOKE.


----------



## Phil Pascoe

Thanks for the explanation. I've never seen Star Wars, therefore to me it wasn't a joke.


----------



## AES

He said, QUOTE: It’s a JOKE. UNQUOTE:
I said, QUOTE: Are you QUITE sure about that? UNQUOTE:

Honestly, who the hell else would know that 4th May is, (What is it), "International Star Wars Day"???????? WHO said it is? And who cares anyway?

Did you know that 6th May (1936) is the Anniversary of the LZ 129 "Graf Hindenburg" Zeppelin airship crash at Lakehurst NJ. Who else knew that (apart from those with an interest in airships, plus, perhaps those interested in Led Zeppelin, the rock group)?

And who else cares.

I suggest the answer is NOBODY!

Blimey, keep a sense of P E R S P E C T I V E mate.


----------



## Phil Pascoe

To be fair, even I knew that 4/5 is International Star Wars Day, despite never having seen it.
(It could be a James Bond Day, though ............ I've never seen a J.B. film either.  )


----------



## IZZY

Phil Pascoe said:


> To be fair, even I knew that 4/5 is International Star Wars Day, despite never having seen it.
> (It could be a James Bond Day, though ............ I've never seen a J.B. film either.  )


You haven't missed much.


----------



## Jameshow

JB is much better than star wars...


----------



## AES

Phil Pascoe said:


> To be fair, even I knew that 4/5 is International Star Wars Day, despite never having seen it.
> (It could be a James Bond Day, though ............ I've never seen a J.B. film either.  )



Just for my further "edification" Phil, just HOW did you know it's "International Star Wars Day" please? 

That was your starter for 10. Your first supplementary is "WHO said it's International Star Wars Day" please?

IF it matters at all (which it clearly doesn't!) I've seen and enjoyed both some Star Wars films and some James Bonds films (the earlier ones were much better IMO) but I didn't know it's "I. S. W. Day".


----------



## Stan

Success is:

at age 3, not messing your pants;

at 5, having lots of friends;

at 15, having sex;

at 30, lots of money;

at 70, having sex;

at 80, having lots of friends;

at 90, not messing your pants.


----------



## Jameshow

All Medical Drugs have Two Names,
A Trade Name and a Generic Name.
For Example :-
The Trade Name is Tylenol and it's Generic Name is Acetaminophen..
Aleve is also called Naproxen.
Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The F.D.A. has been looking for a Generic Name for Viagra..????
After careful consideration by a Team of UK Government experts,
It recently announced that it has settled on the Generic Name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix,
And of course, my personal favourite ;-
*
"IBEPOKIN".


----------



## SamG340

Jameshow said:


> JB is much better than star wars...



Justin Beaver ?


----------



## Phil Pascoe

AES said:


> Just for my further "edification" Phil, just HOW did you know it's "International Star Wars Day" please?




Lighten up a bit. I don't recall anyone's being surprised when someone mentioned it on 4/5. You didn't know? Fine. It doesn't matter one iota. Don't let it spoil your day. Stop digging.


----------



## paulrbarnard




----------



## Morag Jones




----------



## SamG340




----------



## stuart little

IZZY said:


> I'm sure nobody has missed it but ........ 4 th.... fork... force. If there is another joke in there I'm sorry.


Four candles????


----------



## Amateur

nickds1 said:


> Good lord. Folk are slow. May 4th is International Star Wars Day, as in “ May the Force be with you”. Think about it. If you are still lost, stop reading now and move on to the next comment.
> 
> The painting is a modified version of “American Gothic” by Grant Wood American Gothic - Grant Wood (American, 1891-1942) - Google Arts & Culture
> 
> The heads have been replaced with two major Star Wars characters, Princess Leia Organa (played by Carrie Fisher) and Governor Tarkin (played by Peter Cushing).
> 
> It’s a JOKE.


Just love descriptive jokes.
Whats Star Wars though?


----------



## stuart little

SamG340 said:


> Justin Beaver ?


Who?


----------



## AES

Phil Pascoe said:


> Lighten up a bit. I don't recall anyone's being surprised when someone mentioned it on 4/5. You didn't know? Fine. It doesn't matter one iota. Don't let it spoil your day. Stop digging.




You are of course quite right Phil. I stand corrected, thanks.


----------



## Jameshow

A wealthy merchant of 84 married a 25 year old fashion model. They had a wonderful honeymoon in Aruba but, unfortunately, the old boy suffered a coronary and was hospitalized.
When his young wife came to see him, the old man said, "Sweetheart, your future has been taken care of regardless of what happens to me. You will have an income of $250,000 a year, my home in Palm Springs, my ranch in Texas, my Mercedes. You'll never need to worry about money."
"Oh, sweetheart, please don't talk that way," his young wife exclaimed. "You've been so good to me already. If you go, I'll be devastated. Oh, there must be something I can do to help you. Please, tell me what I can do?"
"Well," the old man gasped, "you can quit pinching the inlet tube to my oxygen supply for starters."


----------



## kinverkid




----------



## dzj




----------



## Vann

Jameshow said:


> JB is much better than star wars...



YOU'VE GOT TO BE JOKING!!!

Oh, sorry, in this thread you've got to be joking .

Cheers, Vann.


----------



## Jameshow

Vann said:


> YOU'VE GOT TO BE JOKING!!!
> 
> Oh, sorry, in this thread you've got to be joking .
> 
> Cheers, Vann.


I tell my sons this marvel and SW stuff is not real unlike JB stuff... I escape to the shed before it kicks off!


----------



## OCtoolguy

Phil Pascoe said:


> Thanks for the explanation. I've never seen Star Wars, therefore to me it wasn't a joke.


Me neither but I've stayed up on most stuff.


----------



## nickds1

paulrbarnard said:


> View attachment 135113


Tragically, we had exactly this with our pointer:


Thus was while I was working in the Gulf (Dubai/Oman) and one of our sons sent me the photo of what the dog had done. It also ate another sofa...


----------



## mikej460

Joke Thread III anyone....anyone?


----------



## TRITON




----------



## dzj




----------



## Kittyhawk

SamG340 said:


> View attachment 135115
> View attachment 135116


Don't know about anybody else, but now I've got that darned tune stuck in my brain...


----------



## Thingybob

Kittyhawk said:


> Don't know about anybody else, but now I've got that darned tune stuck in my brain...


Can't beat a bit of Dino


----------



## Sachakins

mikej460 said:


> Joke Thread III anyone....anyone?


How about Controversial jokes 1, with membership by request only, bit like the Controversial off topics forum.


----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## Sachakins

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that, says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that
could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvelous,"says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck.
"Where is it?"
"At the circus" says the barman.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the barman.
The duck asks again, "with the big tent?"
Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says
...
"What the hell would they want with a plasterer ??!"


----------



## AES

Instead of a new "Controversial Jokes" thread here I see we're just cleaning out the remnants from the really OLD jokes cupboard (see above). So here goes:

IF, in English, people from Poland are referred to as Poles .........

Then why aren't people from Holland referred to as Holes?


----------



## Sachakins

AES said:


> Instead of a new "Controversial Jokes" thread here I see we're just cleaning out the remnants from the really OLD jokes cupboard (see above). So here goes:
> 
> IF, in English, people from Poland are referred to as Poles .........
> 
> Then why aren't people from Holland referred to as Holes?


Old jokes still better than no joke,(Just )


----------



## SamG340

AES said:


> Instead of a new "Controversial Jokes" thread here I see we're just cleaning out the remnants from the really OLD jokes cupboard (see above). So here goes:
> 
> IF, in English, people from Poland are referred to as Poles .........
> 
> Then why aren't people from Holland referred to as Holes?



Because they're Dutch ?


----------



## Doug B




----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## Robbo3

Words with two Meanings 

1. THINGY
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing cricket without a box.

3. COMMUNICATION
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.


----------



## Alex H




----------



## Alex H

Always be specific!


----------



## Alex H

I was in a shoe shop and tried on a shoe.
I said to the assistant "it's too tight".
He said "Try it with the tongue out",
I said "It'th nho ghood, it'th thtill thoo thight"


----------



## Ozi

Sachakins said:


> Old jokes still better than no joke,(Just )


Remember the best of the post impressionists were Poles


----------



## Morag Jones

Did you know rabbits can multiply faster than adders can?


----------



## stuart little

AES said:


> Instead of a new "Controversial Jokes" thread here I see we're just cleaning out the remnants from the really OLD jokes cupboard (see above). So here goes:
> 
> IF, in English, people from Poland are referred to as Poles .........
> 
> Then why aren't people from Holland referred to as Holes?


Likewise:- Mouse - mice; why not House - hice?


----------



## stuart little

Robbo3 said:


> Words with two Meanings
> 
> 1. THINGY
> Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
> Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
> 
> 2. VULNERABLE
> Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
> Male.... Playing cricket without a box.
> 
> 3. COMMUNICATION
> Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
> Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
> 
> 4. COMMITMENT
> Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
> Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
> 
> 5. ENTERTAINMENT
> Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
> Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
> 
> 6. FLATULENCE
> Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
> Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
> 
> 7 MAKING LOVE
> Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
> Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
> 
> 8. REMOTE CONTROL
> Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
> Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.


What do cricketers keep in boxes?


----------



## AES

stuart little said:


> What do cricketers keep in boxes?



Their balls?


----------



## Thingybob

stuart little said:


> What do cricketers keep in boxes?


Thier tools


----------



## dzj




----------



## ian33a

stuart little said:


> Likewise:- Mouse - mice; why not House - hice?



It is: a "hice" a place where royalty and really posh people live


----------



## stuart little

ian33a said:


> It is: a "hice" a place where royalty and really posh people live


That's the answer I was waiting for!


----------



## flying haggis

And in Morningside in Edinburgh, sex is what the coal is delivered in...


----------



## SamG340

flying haggis said:


> And in Morningside in Edinburgh, sex is what the coal is delivered in...



Sounds like a messy ordeal


----------



## ian33a

flying haggis said:


> And in Morningside in Edinburgh, sex is what the coal is delivered in...



Morningside - yes, I know of it, it's a place where all the big nobs hang out ..... the banker types


----------



## Phil Pascoe

flying haggis said:


> And in Morningside in Edinburgh, sex is what the coal is delivered in...


As it is in Aoteaora.


----------



## Ozi

Morag Jones said:


> Did you know rabbits can multiply faster than adders can?


except on a log table


----------



## ian33a

Phil Pascoe said:


> As it is in Aoteaora.



Probably ...but it's a very long way to go for it.


----------



## smugdruggler

I had no idea it was that serious!


----------



## SamG340




----------



## SamG340




----------



## SamG340




----------



## SamG340




----------



## Yorkieguy




----------



## Yorkieguy




----------



## Morag Jones

Ozi said:


> except on a log table


I had to use one of those at school, but somehow have forgotten how...
But that's going off at a tangent maybe...


----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## dzj




----------



## Robbo3

AES said:


> IF, in English, people from Poland are referred to as Poles .........
> Then why aren't people from Holland referred to as Holes?



If kingdoms are ruled by kings & empires by emperors,
who runs countries, dictatorships & plutocracies?


----------



## Daniel2

dzj said:


> View attachment 135398



I wish I could love that twice....!!


----------



## OCtoolguy

dzj said:


> View attachment 135280


He better go back to the mop bucket.


----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## J-G

If that had been Bagpipes it would make more sense


----------



## Jameshow

J-G said:


> If that had been Bagpipes it would make more sense


Or vile din.....


----------



## OCtoolguy

J-G said:


> If that had been Bagpipes it would make more sense


When I was 8 years old, my parents asked me if I wanted to learn a musical instrument. I told them yes, a guitar. So they bought me an accordian. I've hated them ever since and I'm now 79. That's a strong dislike for sure.


----------



## Just4Fun

J-G said:


> If that had been Bagpipes it would make more sense


A gentleman is someone who can play the bagpipes, but doesn't.


----------



## Phil Pascoe

Perfect pitch - a banjo in a skip from thirty yards.


----------



## J-G

OCtoolguy said:


> When I was 8 years old, my parents asked me if I wanted to learn a musical instrument. I told them yes, a guitar. So they bought me an accordian. I've hated them ever since and I'm now 79. That's a strong dislike for sure.


We each have our own pet hate  - as a dancer I consider that there are some excellent Tangos played on the Accordion - but no 'real' dances (only 'reel' ) played on the Bagpipe!


----------



## dzj




----------



## JimJay

dzj said:


> View attachment 135520



The adults use those here - my pa-in-law's moonshine is excellent  

We've been gradually working our way through 3/4 of a ton of it, some of which has been maturing in oak barrels for over 20 years....


----------



## dzj

JimJay said:


> The adults use those here - my pa-in-law's moonshine is excellent
> 
> We've been gradually working our way through 3/4 of a ton of it, some of which has been maturing in oak barrels for over 20 years....


Same here. It's quite legal and many people do it. 
My grandfather had two stills and half of his village would be making brandy/ rakia at the farm.
From early summer to late autumn 24/7.


----------



## Alex H

Chinese takeaway - £30
Tip - £5
Getting home to find they forgot part of your order - Riceless.


----------



## Sandyn

J-G said:


> but no 'real' dances (only 'reel' ) played on the Bagpipe!


You are just out of touch with modern music  for example!!


----------



## SamG340

Sandyn said:


> You are just out of touch with modern music  for example!!



My ears are bleeding


----------



## J-G

Sandyn said:


> You are just out of touch with modern music  for example!!


I'm rather pleased that that didn't 'Auto-Start' !! I was able to close the page before hearing any sound (notice I didn't say 'music'!!)


----------



## AES

Sandyn said:


> You are just out of touch with modern music  for example!!



Purely a matter of personal taste. I LIKE the bagpipes, you don't. So what.


----------



## IZZY

Sandyn said:


> You are just out of touch with modern music  for example!!


How on earth can the sound of a sack of cats being beaten to death be classed as music. I'm surprised the RSPCA ( cat div) weren't called.


----------



## stuart little

Jameshow said:


> Or vile din.....


OR RECORDER!


----------



## SamG340

AES said:


> Purely a matter of personal taste. I LIKE the bagpipes, you don't. So what.



Well you're entitled to your own opinion, it happens to be wrong lol... But you're entitled to it


----------



## Alex H




----------



## Alex H




----------



## Alex H

I asked my wife if I was the only one she’d ever been with.

She replied ’Yes, all the others were nines or tens.’


----------



## dzj




----------



## DRC

Sandyn said:


> You are just out of touch with modern music  for example!!


Oh! you mean modern technology and recording not to forget enormous overkill bass and drums. Where would they be without huge bass and drums.


----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## Sandyn

AES said:


> Purely a matter of personal taste. I LIKE the bagpipes, you don't. So what.


Being Scottish, I love bagpipes. Most people who dislike bagpipes haven't heard a properly tuned band playing at competition level. My link was to show that even modern techno music can include bagpipes. Some people dislike bagpipes, that's fine.


----------



## Phil Pascoe

Torturing the tartan octopus?


----------



## J-G

Sandyn said:


> Being Scottish, I love bagpipes. Most people who dislike bagpipes haven't heard a properly tuned band playing at competition level. My link was to show that even modern techno music can include bagpipes. Some people dislike bagpipes, that's fine.


Debbie Wiseman OBE - the Classic _*f*_m 'composer in residence' - included the Bagpipe in her composition to celebrate the Queen's Platinum Jubilee - I dread the moment that that section of the work starts!


----------



## Droogs

Phil Pascoe said:


> Torturing the tartan octopus?


My mum told me i would go blind if i did that


----------



## AES

SamG340 said:


> Well you're entitled to your own opinion, it happens to be wrong lol... But you're entitled to it



You're quite right Sam, you ARE wrong - completely ;-) Ha Ha


----------



## AES

Sandyn said:


> Being Scottish, I love bagpipes. Most people who dislike bagpipes haven't heard a properly tuned band playing at competition level. My link was to show that even modern techno music can include bagpipes. Some people dislike bagpipes, that's fine.



No it's not! If "they" don't like 'em, they're wrong! ;-)


----------



## Sandyn

J-G said:


> Debbie Wiseman OBE - the Classic _*f*_m 'composer in residence' - included the Bagpipe in her composition to celebrate the Queen's Platinum Jubilee - I dread the moment that that section of the work starts!


Best idea is not to listen to it then. Life's too short to suffer things you don't like.


----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## J-G

Sandyn said:


> Best idea is not to listen to it then. Life's too short to suffer things you don't like.


Because it is Platinum Jubile Year AND she is their CIR AND I have Classic _*f*_m on as 'wallpaper' most of the day, it's difficult to miss it  - I DO turn the volume down if I'm close enough, just as I do when they anounce Górecki's : Symphony Nº 3 "Sorrowful Songs" -  - even worse than Bagpipes.


----------



## dzj

I'd sooner listen to bagpipes than the Second Viennese lot.


----------



## Phil Pascoe

J-G said:


> Because it is Platinum Jubile Year AND she is their CIR AND I have Classic _*f*_m on as 'wallpaper' most of the day, it's difficult to miss it  - I DO turn the volume down if I'm close enough, just as I do when they anounce Górecki's : Symphony Nº 3 "Sorrowful Songs" -  - even worse than Bagpipes.



First piece of "music" played on Classic FM .................... in case you're asked in a pub quiz.


----------



## Thingybob

Droogs said:


> My mum told me i would go blind if i did that


Just do it till you need glasses


----------



## Sandyn

J-G said:


> Because it is Platinum Jubile Year AND she is their CIR AND I have Classic _*f*_m on as 'wallpaper' most of the day, it's difficult to miss it  - I DO turn the volume down if I'm close enough, just as I do when they anounce Górecki's : Symphony Nº 3 "Sorrowful Songs" -  - even worse than Bagpipes.


you won't like Die Antwoord then


----------



## Kittyhawk

Gosh!... all this music stuff. Thank God for diversity is all I can say - and that the world would be a pretty boring place if we all liked the same.
Personally, I enjoy a little classical recorder, portuguese fado, uilleann pipes and most of the classics.
If you don't thats ok. Vive la difference.
Now can someone get back to telling me funny jokes please?


----------



## J-G

Phil Pascoe said:


> First piece of "music" played on Classic FM .................... in case you're asked in a pub quiz.


Wrong! - that was (famously) Handel's : 'Zadok The Priest' ( I remember it well - and the 'bird-song' that preceded it for testing)


----------



## Phil Pascoe

J-G said:


> Wrong! - that was (famously) Handel's : 'Zadok The Priest' ( I remember it well - and the 'bird-song' that preceded it for testing)


Ah ...... sorry. I always thought the Gorecki was.


----------



## Phil Pascoe

Kittyhawk said:


> Gosh!... all this music stuff. Thank God for diversity is all I can say - and that the world would be a pretty boring place if we all liked the same.
> Personally, I enjoy a little classical recorder, portuguese fado, uilleann pipes and most of the classics.
> If you don't thats ok. Vive la difference.
> Now can someone get back to telling me funny jokes please?


I think I'd struggle to tell a joke to someone who likes fado.


----------



## Stan

Wife: Why do you walk outside every time I start to sing?

Husband: I want to show the neighbours I'm not hitting you.


----------



## kinverkid

Sandyn said:


> you won't like Die Antwoord then


I do


----------



## Stan

In the R_edacted_ Federation a young man finds himself being thrown into a squalid prison cell. The guards laugh and jokingly apologise that he will have to share with another. The young man notices a bedraggled old man sitting on the end of the bench in the corner. Their eyes momentarily meet and he looks away. He remembers the warning from his friends that sometimes the authorities put a bogus prisoner among the genuine ones to try and wheedle secrets from them. 

For a week not a word passes between the two men in the cell. Eventually the young man can stand it no longer. Craving human contact he opens conversation with a quietly mumbled question.

Young Man: What are you in for?

Old Man: Anti-state activities.

YM: How long did you get?

OM: Fifteen years.

YM: Wow! That's harsh.

OM: Not really, it's pretty standard round here. What about you? How long did you get?

YM: Four years.

OM: What did you do?

YM: That's just it. It's not fair. I did nothing.

OM: Now that is harsh. It's only two years for doing nothing.


----------



## IZZY

Sandyn said:


> Being Scottish, I love bagpipes. Most people who dislike bagpipes haven't heard a properly tuned band playing at competition level. My link was to show that even modern techno music can include bagpipes. Some people dislike bagpipes, that's fine.


"The dark island " very evocative !


----------



## joethedrummer

Pedronicus said:


> View attachment 135597


,,best keep on drinking,, you only feel rough when you stop,,


----------



## Kittyhawk

Phil Pascoe said:


> I think I'd struggle to tell a joke to someone who likes fado.


No you wouldnt, I really like some of your jokes - including this one


----------



## Droogs

Well that fado is better than than having to listen to a pibroch for an hour at a funeral, but only just. gimme the this any day though


----------



## AES

Worth a WATCH if nothing else!


----------



## Jester129

> Jacob, a Russian Jew, was finally allowed to emigrate to Israel . At Moscow airport, a customs inspector found a statue of Lenin in his luggage and asked, "What is this?"
> "Wrong question, comrade” replied Jacob. “You should have asked, Who is this? This is Comrade Lenin. He laid the foundations of Socialism and created future prosperity for the Russian people. I am taking it with me as a memory of our great hero."
> The Russian customs official sent him on his way.
> 
> At Tel Aviv airport, an Israeli customs official asked Jacob, "What is this?" "Wrong question, sir. You should be asking who is this? This, my friend, is Lenin, the turnip who caused me, a Jew, to leave Russia in shame. I take this statue as a reminder to curse him every day."
> 
> The Israeli official sent him on his way.
> 
> In his new home in Tel Aviv, Jacob placed the statue on a table. The following evening, he invited friends and relatives to dinner. Spotting the statue, one of his cousins asked, "Who is this?"
Click to expand...

"Wrong question. You should have asked, what is this? This is five kilograms of solid gold that I managed to bring with me from Russia without having to pay any customs duty or tax."

_The Moral_: *"Politics* is when you can tell the same dung in different ways to fool different people and still come out smelling like a rose."


----------



## IZZY

AES said:


> Worth a WATCH if nothing else!


Much better on silent.


----------



## Robbo3




----------



## TRITON




----------



## Droogs

Oh the glasgow banter, where wud we be way oot it


----------



## Alex H

Sorry to interrupt the bagpipes discussion , but


----------



## Alex H




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Cordy

Golden Oldie


It is just before Scotland v Brazil at the next World Cup Group; Ronaldinho goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.

What's up?" he asks? "Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're sh*te and we can't be bothered". Ronaldinho looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."

So Ronaldinho goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team goes off for a few jars. After a few pints, they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the Teletext on.

A big cheer goes up as the screen reads Brazil 1 Scotland 0 (Ronaldinho 10minutes) He is beating Scotland all by himself.

Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on".

They put the Teletext on. "Result from the Stadium "Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - Scotland 1 (Angus 89 minutes)".
They can't believe it, he has single-handedly got a draw against Scotland!!

They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his hands.

He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down. "Don't be daft, you got a draw against Scotland, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!

"No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"


----------



## Cozzer

Kittyhawk said:


> Now can someone get back to telling me funny jokes please?



We can combine both topics, music and humour......






The Eurovision Song Contest.


----------



## Jameshow

Cozzer said:


> We can combine both topics, music and humour......
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> The Eurovision Song Contest.


Euro vision, wife's invited freinds round for board games I'm off to the workshop!!!


----------



## Phil Pascoe

Cozzer said:


> We can combine both topics, music and humour......
> 
> Or not, as the case may be.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> The Eurovision Song Contest.


----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## Stan

In my late teens I was in the early stages of developing a relationship with a girl, when she came out with the following:


"Women have many faults, men have only two: everything they say, and everything they do."



As expected, the relationship failed to take off - it crashed and burned.


----------



## DRC

AES said:


> Worth a WATCH if nothing else!


Depends on the make of the Watch I think


----------



## Morag Jones

Thanks to Matt Vine in a waterfowl group….


----------



## niemeyjt

A woman goes to the Doctor worried about her husband's temper.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?"

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason, and it scares me."

The Doctor replies: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth.
Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and falls asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor replies: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick…"


----------



## dzj




----------



## loftyhermes




----------



## Jester129

People that sleep in their socks must be very, very small.


----------



## SamG340




----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## Yorkieguy




----------



## Tuna808

@


----------



## stuart little

Jester129 said:


> People that sleep in their socks must be very, very small.


Or have VERY large socks!


----------



## Stan

The vicar of a liitle English country village passed away in his mid eighties, after spending the last forty years in that parish. He approached the pearly gates and knocked politely, being a mild-mannered gentleman. He was a little surprised when the gate was immediately opened by St Peter, who seemed a little flustered.
"Ah. You're a little earlier than I was told to expect. I can't let you in right at the moment as we are expecting a VIP who could arrive at any time. If you would be so kind as to wait over there by the side of the road, once the VIP has arrived you'll be next".
The vicar thanked St P. and stood and waited as requested.

Time passed. The vicar waited, and he waited.....

Eventually, a young man on a motorcycle slowly cruised up to the gates. The engine timing had been modified to have a low tick-over and sounded like a cross between an animal growl and a throaty chuckle. Evey part of the bike had been personally modified in some way and painted matt black. The headlight blazed like a one-eyed cyclops and the tail-light glowed a red iron cross. In contrast to the bike, the rider's gear shone gloss black like the hide of a racehorse. He wore a stormtrooper's helmet and his face was concealed by silvered goggles and a black scarf.

As the bike approached the gates, they swung gently open. The bike slowly growled through the gates and they swung shut. About twenty minutes later one gate opened a foot or so and St P. popped his head out.
"You can come through now".
"Eh?", said the vicar. "That's the VIP? How come he is more important than me?"
"Well. Since you asked - he's only had that bike for three weeks, and in that time he has put the fear of God into more people than you have in the last forty years!"


----------



## Alex H




----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## Thingybob

Pedronicus said:


> View attachment 135906


Should be one outside every Ikea


----------



## dzj




----------



## Jameshow

Thingybob said:


> Should be one outside every Ikea


If you know your IKEA well, you know the shortcuts to the restaurant and the bargain section pronto!


----------



## Phil Pascoe

The nearest Ikea to me is a 200 mile round trip, so I'm safe.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Geoff_S

Phil Pascoe said:


> The nearest Ikea to me is a 200 mile round trip, so I'm safe.


Crikey, that’s a big IKEA


----------



## stuart little

Phil Pascoe said:


> The nearest Ikea to me is a 200 mile round trip, so I'm safe.


I'm safe too, I don't even know where my nearest one is! Never ever been in one, not even in Sweden.


----------



## Thingybob

Phil Pascoe said:


> The nearest Ikea to me is a 200 mile round trip, so I'm safe.


Thats it now Phil Ikea monitor woodworker sites so now they are looking for a site in or around Newquay


----------



## Phil Pascoe

Newquay is a dump - it's welcome to one.


----------



## Yorkieguy




----------



## Thingybob

Phil Pascoe said:


> Newquay is a dump - it's welcome to one.


I have been to Newquay quick drive through bit too touristy for me but now we live down this way plan to visit most other places in Cornwall


----------



## nickds1

Thingybob said:


> I have been to Newquay quick drive through bit too touristy for me but now we live down this way plan to visit most other places in Cornwall


Was there on various rugby tours. Some of the roughest trade in the West Country, even with the help of a dark night/sun behind. Like a sack full of rabbits... scary...

Being fair, I believe that they've cleaned up their act since then as the true residents were getting fed up with the hen/stag/rugby/whatever crowd and the grim state of the high Street.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Robbo3




----------



## Stan

Did you hear on the news about the elephant that did a ton on the M1?

Police are advising motorists to treat it as a roundabout.


----------



## Junah

Stan said:


> Did you hear on the news about the elephant that did a ton on the M1?
> 
> Police are advising motorists to treat it as a roundabout.


Two Ronnies Circa 1976


----------



## Alex H




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Stan

Junah said:


> Two Ronnies Circa 1976




Ronnie Barker - IMO one of the greatest comedians ever.

Here's a one-liner from Ronnie Reagan - yes, _that_ Ronnie Reagan.

"A hippie is a person who looks like Tarzan, walks like Jane, and smells like Cheetah."


----------



## Phil Pascoe

The best Reagan quote -

"The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the Government, and I'm here to help. "


----------



## Keith Cocker

Phil Pascoe said:


> The best Reagan quote -
> 
> "The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the Government, and I'm here to help. "


Until you need help.


----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Daniel2

Doug B said:


> View attachment 136080



How tragically succinct.


----------



## llangatwgnedd

stuart little said:


> What do cricketers keep in boxes?


Probably it's a load of Bollucks


----------



## Doug B

Another succinct one


----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## Doug B




----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Majimoto

Doug B said:


> View attachment 136182


Only understandable if said wiv an Essex accent.


----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## SamG340

Pedronicus said:


> View attachment 136187



Technically grass


----------



## SamG340




----------



## mikej460

Just read this and it made me larf 

BBC News - 'Welcome to Luton' stunt panics Gatwick Airport arrivals








'Welcome to Luton' stunt panics Gatwick Airport arrivals


YouTuber, Max Fosh, says the "prank" is to put smiles on faces and is sorry for any confusion caused.



www.bbc.co.uk


----------



## Robbo3




----------



## bushwhaker

Bill and Hillary are at a Yankees home game, sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service people directly behind them.

One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill. At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head: "No."

The agent then says: "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner of the team to the bat boy."

Bill hesitates but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him the fans would love it. Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "Ho-Kay. If that is what the people want... C'mere Hilly baby."

With that, Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field. She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming... "Bill... you f#@k!"

The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up and down, cheering, hooting and hollering, and high-fiving. Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd.

He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that, I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that!"

Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong.

"Sir, - the agent replies. - I said they want you to throw out the first pitch".


----------



## dzj




----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## SamG340

The longer you look the worse it gets


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## woodieallen

J-G said:


> Debbie Wiseman OBE - the Classic _*f*_m 'composer in residence' - included the Bagpipe in her composition to celebrate the Queen's Platinum Jubilee - I dread the moment that that section of the work starts!


I listened to a lot of the Hall of Fame. If I never ever have to listen to anything by Einaudi then I will die a happy man.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## TRITON




----------



## SamG340




----------



## Robbo3

Fairy Tale Endings

1. Aladdin





2 Barbie age 50







Batman & Robin





Beauty & the Beast






Cinderella






Little Red Riding Hood


----------



## Robbo3

Fairy Tale Endings 2


Sleeping Beauty






Snow White






Spiderman






The Little Mermaid







Thor 





Tweetie Pie






Wonder Woman


----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Alex H




----------



## Alex H

(Cue thread drift due to caravan owners with no sense of humour  )


----------



## Alex H




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## TRITON




----------



## TRITON




----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## IZZY

Pedronicus said:


> View attachment 136411


We must not keep on this P*** taking at JLR vehicles as we will give the owners an inferiority complex to balance their Superiority one . How does it go? " I look down on him but I look up to him " etc


----------



## TRITON

IZZY said:


> How does it go? " I look down on him but I look up to him " etc


----------



## stuart little

Pedronicus said:


> View attachment 136411


 Am I missing someting - again, or is it Dyson I should be looking at?


----------



## Phil Pascoe

Yes. No.


----------



## niemeyjt

Well my Dyson collects up rubbish, so . . .


----------



## SamG340




----------



## dzj

.


----------



## SamG340




----------



## SamG340

Why don't you see elephants hide in trees ? 

Because they're so good at it


----------



## JimJay

Pedronicus said:


> View attachment 136411


Tell me about it! After more decades than I care to think about of Range Rover and Discovery masochism, I finally bought a Dacia Duster.....what a relief! 

But I do miss the LR seats, I have to say....


----------



## Alex H

JimJay said:


> Tell me about it! After more decades than I care to think about of Range Rover and Discovery masochism, I finally bought a Dacia Duster.....what a relief!
> 
> But I do miss the LR seats, I have to say....



Is it yellow?


----------



## JimJay

Nope - green dusters blend in better when you live on the edge of a forest


----------



## Jameshow

JimJay said:


> Tell me about it! After more decades than I care to think about of Range Rover and Discovery masochism, I finally bought a Dacia Duster.....what a relief!
> 
> But I do miss the LR seats, I have to say....


Volvo for me!!


----------



## SamG340

JimJay said:


> Tell me about it! After more decades than I care to think about of Range Rover and Discovery masochism, I finally bought a Dacia Duster.....what a relief!
> 
> But I do miss the LR seats, I have to say....



Hahahahahahhaha !!! Now that's saying something ... Only someone who owned a range rover would think a Dacia is a relief


----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## Doug B

no


----------



## mikej460

Doug B said:


> View attachment 136491
> no


Only if you prefer bourbon, not so tragic for us malt whisky drinkers..slainte


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Cordy

Does anyone know if the Arachnophobia Helpline has a website?


----------



## stuart little

Blackswanwood said:


> View attachment 136535


Here I go again -


----------



## kwigly

Stuart, If you want to know, why don't you get a lesson on using Google (or any search engine), and search items shown in the picture. e.g. "zouma, cat"


----------



## stuart little

kwigly said:


> Stuart, If you want to know, why don't you get a lesson on using Google (or any search engine), and search items shown in the picture. e.g. "zouma, cat"


I'd no idea what soever it referred to, so taken your advice :- Google just confirmed my opinion of Newspapers ( especially The Sun) & idjits that squabble over an inflated pig's bladder.  
Well, it is a joke thread after all!


----------



## Jameshow

stuart little said:


> Here I go again -


Professional footballer accused of abusing a cat....


----------



## Cozzer

stuart little said:


> Here I go again -



Jeez.....


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Jameshow

Doug B said:


> View attachment 136591


I'm at a local social club and that sums up the music awful! 
I've come on here for respite!!


----------



## SamG340




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Yorkieguy




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Thingybob

SamG340 said:


> View attachment 136603


Thats cheap where is it


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## Pedronicus

Just opened the door to a guy and he was only 3' 3" tall.
I said "Who are you?
He replied "I'm the metre man!"


----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## dzj




----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## Cozzer

Talking to a pal in the pub the other night, it turned out that he'd witnessed a fatal motorbike* accident a few months before.
A notorious local hump-backed bridge had claimed yet another victim, but this time it had been nothing to do with black ice or snow. Yes, it had been bitter what with the wind chill that night - in fact, the rider had put his thick, padded coat on back to front in order to keep his throat and chest warm against the biting wind....
Anyway, the pronounced bridge hump had fooled the biker, and the sudden jolt had thrown him off the machine. My pal, wandering from the pub that night, had come across the prone rider, on his back, in the middle of the road....
"My God!" I said to my mate...."What did you do?!"
"Well, I was amazed! I could hear him grunting, saying something about 'just being winded', and that he'd be 'alright once he'd got his breath back'! That's when it all got a bit complicated....."
"How so?" I asked.
"Well, I decided to help him, but as soon as I turned his head the right way round, he went and snuffed it...."




* (Explanation for Stuart - first please see Motorcycle - Wikipedia. You perhaps haven't read about them in newspapers, or seen them on TV. To explain the joke, note that the rider had his coat on the wrong way round, but my pal didn't know that.....)


----------



## Robbo3




----------



## dzj




----------



## Tony51

Robbo3 said:


> View attachment 136693


I have this on a tee shirt. Amazon I think, couple years old now.
Tony


----------



## quintain

Cozzer said:


> Talking to a pal in the pub the other night, it turned out that he'd witnessed a fatal motorbike* accident a few months before.
> A notorious local hump-backed bridge had claimed yet another victim, but this time it had been nothing to do with black ice or snow. Yes, it had been bitter what with the wind chill that night - in fact, the rider had put his thick, padded coat on back to front in order to keep his throat and chest warm against the biting wind....
> Anyway, the pronounced bridge hump had fooled the biker, and the sudden jolt had thrown him off the machine. My pal, wandering from the pub that night, had come across the prone rider, on his back, in the middle of the road....
> "My God!" I said to my mate...."What did you do?!"
> "Well, I was amazed! I could hear him grunting, saying something about 'just being winded', and that he'd be 'alright once he'd got his breath back'! That's when it all got a bit complicated....."
> "How so?" I asked.
> "Well, I decided to help him, but as soon as I turned his head the right way round, he went and snuffed it...."
> 
> 
> 
> 
> * (Explanation for Stuart - first please see Motorcycle - Wikipedia. You perhaps haven't read about them in newspapers, or seen them on TV. To explain the joke, note that the rider had his coat on the wrong way round, but my pal didn't know that.....)


Funny-BUT possible. In the late-ish 1960s or thereabouts a motorcycle cop and a good friend of mine, described repeatedly by my wife as a hunk !! woke up in hospital following a bad on-duty road collision to discover the sniggering of nurses and other patients all laughing and questioninig such a guy wearing the new fashionned women's tights, being almost from chest to toes. He told them they kept him warm on a long 8 hour shift. He always knew no one believed him.


----------



## AES

QUOTE: * (Explanation for Stuart - first please see Motorcycle - Wikipedia. You perhaps haven't read about them in newspapers, or seen them on TV. To explain the joke, note that the rider had his coat on the wrong way round, but my pal didn't know that.....),

Ahhhhhhhhhh, come on Cozzer & Co! Leave Stuart alone. At least he has the big brass ones to stand up and be counted amongst those - like me - who often don't understand these "modern" jokes. P.S. What's Google?? What's a motorcycle?? What's Wikipedia? None of those are in my copy of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 1903 edition.


----------



## Droogs

I do. I used to snaffle a pair of the girlfriends whenever we went on excercise to Norway


----------



## AES

Yeah, me too. But not Norway, working outside at night in winter (RAF Germany, 1960s).


----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## Phil Pascoe

AES said:


> Yeah, me too. But not Norway, working outside at night in winter (RAF Germany, 1960s).


And me, on Dartmoor in mid winter as a boy.


----------



## Jameshow

Phil Pascoe said:


> And me, on Dartmoor in mid winter as a boy.


Who would put a village on the top of Dartmoor?! Beats me!!


----------



## Phil Pascoe

Pedronicus said:


> View attachment 136707


If it flies, floats or **cks, hire it, don't buy it.


----------



## Tris

Phil Pascoe said:


> And me, on Dartmoor in mid winter as a boy.


Wondered how some of those legends came about


----------



## Robbo3




----------



## IZZY

quintain said:


> Funny-BUT possible. In the late-ish 1960s or thereabouts a motorcycle cop and a good friend of mine, described repeatedly by my wife as a hunk !! woke up in hospital following a bad on-duty road collision to discover the sniggering of nurses and other patients all laughing and questioninig such a guy wearing the new fashionned women's tights, being almost from chest to toes. He told them they kept him warm on a long 8 hour shift. He always knew no one believed him.


When I raced in the Manx Grand Prix in the Isle of Man I always wore tights under my leathers for morning practice which started at dawn in those days and could be b****y cold.


----------



## stuart little

AES said:


> QUOTE: * (Explanation for Stuart - first please see Motorcycle - Wikipedia. You perhaps haven't read about them in newspapers, or seen them on TV. To explain the joke, note that the rider had his coat on the wrong way round, but my pal didn't know that.....),
> 
> Ahhhhhhhhhh, come on Cozzer & Co! Leave Stuart alone. At least he has the big brass ones to stand up and be counted amongst those - like me - who often don't understand these "modern" jokes. P.S. What's Google?? What's a motorcycle?? What's Wikipedia? None of those are in my copy of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 1903 edition.


Too late, I heard this one yonks ago!


----------



## dzj




----------



## Yorkieguy




----------



## Alex H




----------



## Alex H




----------



## Alex H




----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## SamG340




----------



## dzj




----------



## guineafowl21

Where did you get that coconut from?!


----------



## dzj

guineafowl21 said:


> Where did you get that coconut from?!


Someone on facebook shared it.


----------



## okeydokey

How about a larger version of the coconut idea to fix on an electric car you could have the clip clop sound instaed of a gentle brm


----------



## guineafowl21

dzj said:


> Someone on facebook shared it.


I was hoping for: ‘The swallow flies south... yet it is not a stranger to our lands...’
And then: ‘Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?’


----------



## dzj

guineafowl21 said:


> I was hoping for: ‘The swallow flies south... yet it is not a stranger to our lands...’
> And then: ‘Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?’


Flew right pass me. 
(MP & the Holy Grail, of course.)


----------



## paulrbarnard

Alex H said:


> View attachment 136805


Is it a water loo?


----------



## guineafowl21

dzj said:


> Flew right pass me.
> (MP & the Holy Grail, of course.)


What flew right past you - African or European swallow?
(Ok, I’ll stop...)


----------



## MorrisWoodman12

paulrbarnard said:


> Is it a water loo?


No just a bog standard one.


----------



## SamG340

paulrbarnard said:


> Is it a water loo?



If so I couldn't resist if I wanted to...


----------



## Stan

Phil Pascoe said:


> If it flies, floats or **cks, hire it, don't buy it.




A famous rock star once said that the next time he felt like getting married, instead he would just find a woman he couldn't stand and buy her a house - much cheaper!


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Terry.H

Being a newby I find this forum a little confusing as yesterday the opening page stated that there were 3 new posts!!!
When I opened it up it was the same as the day before and today the the opening page stated that there were 3 new
posts and then I find there were 17 new posts.
Can anyone explain???


----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## Thingybob

Terry.H said:


> Being a newby I find this forum a little confusing as yesterday the opening page stated that there were 3 new posts!!!
> When I opened it up it was the same as the day before and today the the opening page stated that there were 3 new
> posts and then I find there were 17 new posts.
> Can anyone explain???


It depends how many fence panels you are instaling  Welcome to the house of fun


----------



## SamG340




----------



## SamG340




----------



## gregmcateer

Terry.H said:


> Being a newby I find this forum a little confusing as yesterday the opening page stated that there were 3 new posts!!!
> When I opened it up it was the same as the day before and today the the opening page stated that there were 3 new
> posts and then I find there were 17 new posts.
> Can anyone explain???


I don't know, but possibly you need to delete your Internet cookies too clear the memory?


----------



## Phill05

gregmcateer said:


> I don't know, but possibly you need to delete your Internet cookies



I agree they are not as tasty as double choc chip ones?


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Alex H




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Doug B




----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Jester129




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Doug B




----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B




----------



## SamG340




----------



## Trainee neophyte

Q: What did the Europeans use for energy before whale oil and wood?

A: Electricity.


----------



## paulrbarnard

Trainee neophyte said:


> Q: What did the Europeans use for energy before whale oil and wood?
> 
> A: Electricity.



Oil and gas…


----------



## Doug B




----------



## IZZY

Doug B said:


> View attachment 137098


Looks as if he wasn't alone .


----------



## Majimoto

Terry.H said:


> Being a newby I find this forum a little confusing as yesterday the opening page stated that there were 3 new posts!!!
> When I opened it up it was the same as the day before and today the the opening page stated that there were 3 new
> posts and then I find there were 17 new posts.
> Can anyone explain???


It's a joke thread.


----------



## dzj




----------



## Jester129




----------



## stuart little

Doug B said:


> View attachment 137054


The times this has happened to me using sheet metal guillotines!!! Where's the end gone? - oops!!


----------



## kinverkid




----------



## flying haggis

unshamelessly borrowed from another site


----------



## John Brown

Not really sure what "unshamelessly" means, but most of the stuff here is "borrowed" from another site.


----------



## Jameshow

John Brown said:


> Not really sure what "unshamelessly" means, but most of the stuff here is "borrowed" from another site.


I would never do that!!!


----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## Doug B




----------



## dangles

flying haggis said:


> unshamelessly borrowed from another site
> 
> View attachment 137133


Stuart ask em where the joke is.


----------



## Phil Pascoe




----------



## stuart little

dangles said:


> Stuart ask em where the joke is.


Don't need to - 'Brenda' is taking Paddington home after 'platty jubes' party!


----------



## dangles

stuart little said:


> Don't need to - 'Brenda' is taking Paddington home after 'platty jubes' party!


Laugh, I thought I'd never start
Nearly fell off the commode.


----------



## Just4Fun

I am currently confined to bed with a "not-mild" and "not-severe" case of covid. It is interesting to experience this sort of thing first hand; you learn things that would not occur to you otherwise. For example, when SWMBO asks why I didn't drink the coffee she made then "I think I am getting my sense of taste back" is apparently the wrong answer.


----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## SamG340

ElizaTea said:


> View attachment 137173



Wales has a minimum alcohol price


----------



## ElizaTea

SamG340 said:


> Wales has a minimum alcohol price


Good grief


----------



## JimJay

SamG340 said:


> Wales has a minimum alcohol price


Here in BG, you can get reasonable quaffable wines for 30 bob a two-litre bottle; my favourite good red goes for just over £2 a bottle....


----------



## stuart little

Living on the east coast of Wales, I found out the 'hard way'. A neighbour who shops for me at the local Aldi bought me whisky & pils, when I saw the prices they were £5 more on the whisky & £1 more on pils. By this time the receipt had been binned & Aldi just quoted prices were different in Wale & Scotland, but I'm in England? The following week prices were back to 'normal', & all I got on again contacting Aldi was, "retun the items to store, with receipt, for a fefund", of course by now it had been opened! Several weeks later my neighbour again shopped a bot. of whiskey for me & again it was £5 more, but this time he had gone shopping 'down the road' iin Wales. This was when it became clear to me! Looked like some geography dimwit thought my local Aldi were t'other side of border in Wales & programmed wrong prices.


----------



## JimJay

stuart little said:


> Living on the east coast of Wales, I found out the 'hard way'. A neighbour who shops for me at the local Aldi bought me whisky & pils, when I saw the prices they were £5 more on the whisky & £1 more on pils. By this time the receipt had been binned & Aldi just quoted prices were different in Wale & Scotland, but I'm in England? The following week prices were back to 'normal', & all I got on again contacting Aldi was, "retun the items to store, with receipt, for a fefund", of course by now it had been opened! Several weeks later my neighbour again shopped a bot. of whiskey for me & again it was £5 more, but this time he had gone shopping 'down the road' iin Wales. This was when it became clear to me! Looked like some geography dimwit thought my local Aldi were t'other side of border in Wales & programmed wrong prices.


Just to rub it in: 2 litre bottles of decent beer are around £1 here, Czech pils around £1/litre, gin/brandy/blended whiskey c£4 - and my FiL's excellent 25-year old grape moonshine cost me nothing for 700 litres


----------



## SamG340

A bottle of red wine is £5 minimum, a pint of beer £1.25

Minimum alcohol price is crazy, it's not going to stop the Welsh drinking themselves to death, it's just going to make them poor while they do it !


----------



## stuart little

SamG340 said:


> A bottle of red wine is £5 minimum, a pint of beer £1.25
> 
> Minimum alcohol price is crazy, it's not going to stop the Welsh drinking themselves to death, it's just going to make them poor while they do it !


More dosh for Plaid Cymru! (s'cuse spelling of 'Plaid')


----------



## flying haggis

SamG340 said:


> A bottle of red wine is £5 minimum, a pint of beer £1.25
> 
> Minimum alcohol price is crazy, it's not going to stop the Welsh drinking themselves to death, it's just going to make them poor while they do it !


If a pint of beer is £1.25 in Wales I might consider moving there


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## SamG340

flying haggis said:


> If a pint of beer is £1.25 in Wales I might consider moving there



Minimum lol ! It's £4/5 in the pub


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Doug B




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Cordy

People think that trans women are not real women

Yet their constant whining, attention-seeking and determination to bleedin' spoil everything, suggests otherwise.


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## SamG340




----------



## dzj




----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## Geoff_S

Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Seven.”

Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Seven.”

Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Six.”

Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Seven!”

Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”

Johnny: “ I’ve already got a cat!”


----------



## SamG340




----------



## SamG340




----------



## stuart little

Geoff_S said:


> Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”
> 
> Johnny: “Seven.”
> 
> Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
> 
> Johnny: “Seven.”
> 
> Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
> 
> Johnny: “Six.”
> 
> Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
> 
> Johnny: “Seven!”
> 
> Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
> 
> Johnny: “ I’ve already got a cat!”


Obvious from first answer!


----------



## SamG340




----------



## SamG340




----------



## SamG340




----------



## Yorkieguy




----------



## Jester129




----------



## Yorkieguy




----------



## Glyn Hyatt




----------



## Ozi

Glyn Hyatt said:


> View attachment 137400


you say that but he is about to be de-gloved


----------



## Glyn Hyatt

I wouldn’t be worried about my hand as much as the old family jewels


----------



## Thingybob

Glyn Hyatt said:


> View attachment 137400


I think thats the new Huskvanna chanus saw he s got


----------



## Daniel2

SamG340 said:


> View attachment 137376



Just a word to the wise.....
Don't Google the title of the book...!!
DAMHIKT


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## cmoops2

stuart little said:


> Living on the east coast of Wales, I found out the 'hard way'. A neighbour who shops for me at the local Aldi bought me whisky & pils, when I saw the prices they were £5 more on the whisky & £1 more on pils. By this time the receipt had been binned & Aldi just quoted prices were different in Wale & Scotland, but I'm in England? The following week prices were back to 'normal', & all I got on again contacting Aldi was, "retun the items to store, with receipt, for a fefund", of course by now it had been opened! Several weeks later my neighbour again shopped a bot. of whiskey for me & again it was £5 more, but this time he had gone shopping 'down the road' iin Wales. This was when it became clear to me! Looked like some geography dimwit thought my local Aldi were t'other side of border in Wales & programmed wrong prices.


Does Wales have an East coast ?


----------



## stuart little

cmoops2 said:


> Does Wales have an East coast ?


Yes, it's the river Wye!!


----------



## SamG340

stuart little said:


> Yes, it's the river Wye!!


offa's dyke


----------



## Phill05

That's how the river got it's name "Wye the East coast"


----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## Cozzer

I asked my wife if I was the only one she'd been with.
She said "yes". 
The others were nines and tens.


----------



## Cozzer

Just seen someone collapse on the luggage carousel at East Midlands Airport.
I think he's OK....

He's slowly coming round.....


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## dzj




----------



## Morag Jones

A cross-eyed teacher cannot control his pupils.


----------



## Yorkieguy




----------



## Yorkieguy




----------



## dzj




----------



## SamG340




----------



## SamG340




----------



## Pineapple

SamG340 said:


> View attachment 137651
> View attachment 137653
> View attachment 137654


Woman on Death Row - I've aready eaten that; but I'd like steak, egg & chips for my next one !


----------



## dzj

B&Q to host birthday parties for men aged 45 and up​


----------



## Thingybob

> dzj said:
> 
> 
> 
> B&Q to host birthday parties for men aged 45 and up​
> 
> 
> 
> But you might have to wait a couple of months till its back in stock
Click to expand...


----------



## Thingybob

Also just started THE IKEA ESCAPE ROOM.


----------



## IZZY

Thingybob said:


> Also just started THE IKEA ESCAPE ROOM.


Take a tip from the wise . DON'T GO THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE !! Flat packed hell on earth.


----------



## MikeK




----------



## dzj

MikeK said:


> View attachment 137668


Little Albert 2.0


----------



## SamG340




----------



## SamG340

dzj said:


> B&Q to host birthday parties for men aged 45 and up​











B&Q to host birthday parties for men aged 45 and up


B&Q has announced that men aged 45 and over can make their birthdays truly special by holding them in their favourite aisle of the store.




www.thedailymash.co.uk


----------



## IZZY

SamG340 said:


> B&Q to host birthday parties for men aged 45 and up
> 
> 
> B&Q has announced that men aged 45 and over can make their birthdays truly special by holding them in their favourite aisle of the store.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> www.thedailymash.co.uk


Come on guys which aisle would you choose? I can't choose one in my local store because it doesn't seem to have a lingerie aisle but I'm told that some others do.


----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## Bob Chapman

I passed this on to my son who dismissed it as too unbelievable. ‘Bathe in the sun’? In Scotland?


----------



## SamG340

IZZY said:


> Come on guys which aisle would you choose? I can't choose one in my local store because it doesn't seem to have a lingerie aisle but I'm told that some others do.



A B&Q's lingerie section. It doesn't bear thinking about


----------



## RobinBHM

Annoyed bollard


----------



## Alex H




----------



## Alex H




----------



## Doug B




----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## Alex H




----------



## dzj




----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## IZZY

ElizaTea said:


> View attachment 137805


Lazy Lemmings!


----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## mikej460

So when your wife asks you to make her a toilet role holder think versatility, manoeuvrability, extendibility


----------



## Sachakins

Thingybob said:


> Also just started THE IKEA ESCAPE ROOM.


Is that the one with no actual escape route


----------



## Sachakins

Pedronicus said:


> View attachment 137830


Now if it was a male teacher standing up that would cause alarm.......


----------



## Majimoto

Sachakins said:


> Now if it was a male teacher standing up that would cause alarm.......


He would qualify for Barnum's!


----------



## AES

Majimoto said:


> He would qualify for Barnum's!




Good one. That reminds me of a one-liner from "The Full Monty" film - "They don't call him horse because he just won the Grand National".


----------



## Thingybob

Sachakins said:


> Is that the one with no actual escape route


No the one that SWMBO holds the route map


----------



## Robbo3




----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B




----------



## dzj




----------



## Sachakins

dzj said:


> View attachment 137935


BMW stereotyping again, no, truth hurts


----------



## SamG340

dzj said:


> View attachment 137935



Here we go again


----------



## dzj

Sachakins said:


> BMW stereotyping again, no, truth hurts


It's amazing how disabled folks have a penchant for BMWs, but also for Audi and newer Mercedes models.


----------



## Kayen

A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were many small bears all along the bottom shelf,

Various medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf,

And there were three huge bears filling the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears.

She was quite impressed by his sensitive side but didn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking.

After a while, she finds herself thinking 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future Father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.

He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss and the passion builds.

He romantically lifts her into his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with even more passion, more creativity, and more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,

'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her,

Strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:







'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'


----------



## SamG340




----------



## dzj




----------



## SamG340




----------



## dzj




----------



## niemeyjt

The Bishop arrives at Church to do the first Holy Communion of a group of children and starts to question them to see how well they understood the bible and its teachings.

He asks the first "What did the Lord say in instituting baptism?"

The child replies "I baptize you in the name of the Father, of the Son and of the Holy Spirit."

"Very good" says the Bishop, moving on to the next child who he asks "What did he say about the Eucharist?"

The child replies "Take, eat and drink, this is my body and my blood."

"Very good again" says the Bishop, moving on to the next child who he asks "What did he say about the wedding??

To which the child replies "Father, forgive them they don't know what they are doing."


----------



## Alex H




----------



## Doug B




----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## dzj




----------



## Alex H




----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## Alex H




----------



## Robbo3




----------



## Alex H




----------



## Myfordman

Alex H said:


> View attachment 138101


Should be apologising for repetition in less than a week more like


----------



## Doug B




----------



## RobinBHM

Alex H said:


> View attachment 138101


It is an annoyed Bollard not an angry post


----------



## SamG340

.


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Suffolkboy




----------



## Suffolkboy




----------



## Suffolkboy




----------



## Thingybob

Suffolkboy said:


> View attachment 138164


What again so soon


----------



## Jameshow

Thingybob said:


> What again so soon


I can't remember that joke recently.....


----------



## Thingybob

Jameshow said:


> I can't remember that joke recently.....


GROUNDHOG DAY


----------



## Suffolkboy

Thingybob said:


> What again so soon


Have I done it again?


----------



## Robbo3

Fox hunting


----------



## dzj




----------



## Kittyhawk

dzj said:


> View attachment 138170


And, as a disgruntled man said to me just an hour ago, mankind is the only species on the planet that has to pay to live on it..


----------



## IZZY

Kittyhawk said:


> And, as a disgruntled man said to me just an hour ago, mankind is the only species on the planet that has to pay to live on it..


And leaves it in a worse state when he's finished with it .


----------



## MorrisWoodman12

IZZY said:


> And leaves it in a worse state when he's finished with it .


I don't know who pays the rent but I guess we won't get our deposit back from the landlord.


----------



## SamG340




----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## dzj




----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Robbo3




----------



## morqthana

SamG340 said:


> View attachment 138210


----------



## morqthana




----------



## morqthana

Alex H said:


> View attachment 138008


----------



## dzj




----------



## Keith Cocker

flying haggis said:


> can copies of this be given out on the beaches in Dover?


It’s a scandal. They come over here in rubber boats to get our writing paper. They will think they are entitled to our pens next.


----------



## Thingybob

SamG340 said:


> View attachment 138209
> View attachment 138210
> View attachment 138211
> View attachment 138212


"LETS DO THE TIMEWARP AGAIN "


----------



## stuart little

Doug B said:


> View attachment 138225


----------



## morqthana

If you eat in Wetherspoons you'll get microwaved food (or oven re-heated). Point is they are "ready meals" - they don't have proper chefs. Pairs with the stale beer well.


----------



## stuart little

Thanks Morq, e only ever been in one ONCE . Some friends visiting took me to breakfast - YUK! That once was enough!


----------



## morqthana

Best pub for food I ever went to (ordinary pubs I mean), was off of Princess Rd in Manchester, after the landlord's wife (who'd been doing the cooking) left him, and rather than lose the lunchtime trade he provided plates and cutlery, and let you bring in your own food from the local chippies/Indians/Chinese/pizza/burgers/kebabs/etc.


----------



## bushwhaker

A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl...
After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage...
After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie..
"It's simple" billionaire boasts... "I faked my age"
"Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensational, what age btw did you tell you are?" A friend asks.
With a smile on his lips billionaire responds "85 years old"


----------



## SamG340

Moving swiftly on before this becomes the pub food appreciation society


----------



## John Brown

American toilet bowls. Say no more...


----------



## SamG340




----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## dzj




----------



## Alex H




----------



## SamG340

SamG340 said:


> View attachment 138209





Alex H said:


> View attachment 138405



I must need my eyes tested I'm seeing double


----------



## dzj




----------



## SamG340




----------



## SamG340




----------



## morqthana

SamG340 said:


> I must need my eyes tested I'm seeing double


I think we knew what you meant by "seeing double" without needing an example


Alex H said:


> View attachment 136947





SamG340 said:


> View attachment 138418


----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## SamG340

morqthana said:


> I think we knew what you meant by "seeing double" without needing an example



Hey there's a 10 page repetition rule, I'm ok !


----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## Doug B




----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## Yorkieguy




----------



## Yorkieguy




----------



## Yorkieguy




----------



## Thingybob

SamG340 said:


> I must need my eyes tested I'm seeing double


You are entering the Twilight Zone when you open this thread its an old woodworking rule post twice view once


----------



## Thingybob

morqthana said:


> I think we knew what you meant by "seeing double" without needing an example


Just found out that you get paid per post on joke thread but some people are cheating


----------



## morqthana

Yorkieguy said:


> View attachment 138492


----------



## SamG340

Thingybob said:


> Just found out that you get paid per post on joke thread but some people are cheating



If I had a penny everything I posted here I'd have 35p


----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Sachakins




----------



## Robbo3




----------



## rocketman_k

I went to our local garden centre to buy food for wild birds. I asked the assistant “where will I find fat balls?
.
.
.
.
.

She replied


“He’s not working today, can I help you?”


----------



## stuart little

morqthana said:


> View attachment 138516


----------



## Phil Pascoe

For a change, I'm with you on that one.


----------



## SamG340




----------



## SamG340

stuart little said:


>


Famous last words "here hold my beer". He was showing off drunk, got himself killed, it's a running joke online


----------



## Majimoto

stuart little said:


>


Pearly gates might be a clue???


----------



## Majimoto

Majimoto said:


> Pearly gates might be a clue???


Now-- I replied directly to the quoted post and my reply is put out of context.
Stoopid algorithm!


----------



## stuart little

Majimoto said:


> Pearly gates might be a clue???


No, they weren't. Samg explained it - I'm not much the wiser now - hmmmm!


----------



## Thingybob

Robbo3 said:


> View attachment 138554


Now where s those bob a job scouts when you need them


----------



## morqthana

Majimoto said:


> Now-- I replied directly to the quoted post and my reply is put out of context.
> Stoopid algorithm!


I'm really struggling to understand what your complaint is.

You replied to Stuart Little's post.

The system put the post you were replying to into your reply so that everyone could see the context.

Seriously - what is happening which you think shouldn't, or isn't happening which you think should?


----------



## SamG340

Now even I'm confused !


----------



## SamG340




----------



## SamG340




----------



## Majimoto

I really don't have the time or inclination to go into the matter -- my OCD is obviously playing up again.


morqthana said:


> I'm really struggling to understand what your complaint is.
> 
> You replied to Stuart Little's post.
> 
> The system put the post you were replying to into your reply so that everyone could see the context.
> 
> Seriously - what is happening which you think shouldn't, or isn't happening which you think should?


----------



## Majimoto

SamG340 said:


> View attachment 138576


You ok Sam?


----------



## SamG340

Majimoto said:


> You ok Sam?



Yes, and I've got a great idea ... Here hold my beer !!


----------



## bushwhaker

So this guy lost his right foot in an accident. Lucky for him, he got a great prosthetic, so nobody knew he was wearing a prosthetic foot.

Some years later he met a girl, but didn’t tell her about his ‘disability’. They got married and on the wedding night, he took off his prosthetic foot to show his new bride. Horrified, she called her mom.

“Mom, you wouldn’t believe it. He’s only got one foot!”

The mom yelled back, “Dammit child, be grateful! Your dad ain’t even six inches!”


----------



## morqthana

Majimoto said:


> I really don't have the time or inclination to go into the matter


OK.

Maybe stop going on about it then?


----------



## morqthana




----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## morqthana




----------



## morqthana




----------



## morqthana




----------



## SamG340

morqthana said:


> View attachment 138586



Haha I agree the man was a snake . I'm not sure about the "great music"


----------



## morqthana




----------



## morqthana




----------



## paulrbarnard

morqthana said:


> View attachment 138584


Waiting for it….


----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## Doug B




----------



## stuart little

Thingybob said:


> Now where s those bob a job scouts when you need them


It's probably at least a 'fiver a job' nowadays!


----------



## dzj




----------



## morqthana




----------



## Thingybob

SamG340 said:


> Yes, and I've got a great idea ... Here hold my beer !!


Please stop with this joke im wetting myself with the hillarity  (not)


----------



## Thingybob

stuart little said:


> It's probably at least a 'fiver a job' nowadays!


Eh back in biblical days it was one or two talents , Hence the title Talent Scouts (Boom Boom)


----------



## morqthana




----------



## SamG340

Thingybob said:


> Please stop with this joke im wetting myself with the hillarity  (not)



No nothing to do with the joke mate... think that comes with age !


----------



## morqthana




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Cozzer

Hey, paulrbarnard....
Is your ID photo Ted Moult of yesteryear?

(Thinks - is that showing your age, or mine?!)


----------



## Daniel2

OK, look, it's easy.
Hold my beer ....


----------



## Yorkieguy




----------



## Droogs

Yorkieguy said:


> View attachment 138622




amazingly the UK's 1st curry house opened in 1773


----------



## SamG340

Droogs said:


> amazingly the UK's 1st curry house opened in 1773


 Yep the royal navy have been serving it aboard ship since I think the early 1800s


----------



## Adam W.

Droogs said:


> amazingly the UK's 1st curry house opened in 1773


That's amazing.


----------



## Tris

What's more amazing is it took till 1865 to start brewing lager in the UK (Scotland, apparently)
What did they drink with it for nearly 100 years?


----------



## SamG340

Tris said:


> What's more amazing is it took till 1865 to start brewing lager in the UK (Scotland, apparently)
> What did they drink with it for nearly 100 years?


Real ale !


----------



## Sachakins

Tris said:


> What's more amazing is it took till 1865 to start brewing lager in the UK (Scotland, apparently)
> What did they drink with it for nearly 100 years?


Mead!


----------



## dzj




----------



## niemeyjt




----------



## stuart little

Tris said:


> What's more amazing is it took till 1865 to start brewing lager in the UK (Scotland, apparently)
> What did they drink with it for nearly 100 years?


Lime juice - the Navy had plenty!


----------



## paulrbarnard

Cozzer said:


> Hey, paulrbarnard....
> Is your ID photo Ted Moult of yesteryear?
> 
> (Thinks - is that showing your age, or mine?!)


Alas it is actually me


----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## Cozzer

paulrbarnard said:


> Alas it is actually me


Could be worse, matey!
My wife used to describe me to her mates as being just like George Clooney.





From the back.


----------



## Phil Pascoe

stuart little said:


> Lime juice - the Navy had plenty!


There's little C in limes, far more in lemons.


----------



## Phil Pascoe

Cozzer said:


> Could be worse, matey!
> My wife used to describe me to her mates as being just like George Clooney.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> From the back.


Rather reminded me of my mother looking at my shotgun ticket - looking at that photo, I wouldn't buy a used car from you let alone allow you out with a f ing gun.


----------



## stuart little

ElizaTea said:


> View attachment 138710


I give up -


----------



## Doug B




----------



## stuart little

Phil Pascoe said:


> There's little C in limes, far more in lemons.


Well, they reckoned it helped tp prevent scurvey.


----------



## gregmcateer

stuart little said:


> I give up -


I think it's meant to imply one toilet's users talk little, the others, rather a lot


----------



## SamG340

stuart little said:


> I give up -



Women talk a lot


----------



## morqthana

Tris said:


> What's more amazing is it took till 1865 to start brewing lager in the UK (Scotland, apparently)
> What did they drink with it for nearly 100 years?


India Pale Ale?


----------



## SamG340

Ok before this becomes the campaign for real ale thread


----------



## SamG340




----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## Vann

Phil Pascoe said:


> There's little C in limes, far more in lemons.


Nope. I checked the spelling of both - several times. There's no C in either of them. Not a little c. Not a capital C.

Cheers, Vann.


----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## stuart little

Pedronicus said:


> View attachment 138726





Pedronicus said:


> View attachment 138726


Like the pub with:- "Free beer -tomorrow"


----------



## Thingybob

Phil Pascoe said:


> There's little C in limes, far more in lemons.


Phil there are no c s in either word


----------



## morqthana




----------



## morqthana




----------



## Cozzer

stuart little said:


> Like the pub with:- "Free beer -tomorrow"



Ey up!
Stuart's got one!


----------



## morqthana




----------



## morqthana




----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## Doug B




----------



## dzj




----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## treeturner123

My Fav Dilbert


----------



## treeturner123

Sorry, forgot to say, it comes from 1995 and the 'Management' were unimpressed when someone put a copy on the noticeboard!

No sense of humour!

Phil


----------



## IZZY

treeturner123 said:


> Sorry, forgot to say, it comes from 1995 and the 'Management' were unimpressed when someone put a copy on the noticeboard!
> 
> No sense of humour!
> 
> Phil


I've never yet read a Dilbert cartoon without saying " seen/ experienced that " in some form or other.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Geoff_S

treeturner123 said:


> Sorry, forgot to say, it comes from 1995 and the 'Management' were unimpressed when someone put a copy on the noticeboard!
> 
> No sense of humour!
> 
> Phil


35 years in IT here. 

Daily Dilbert made me realise I was not on another planet!


----------



## Doug B




----------



## IZZY

treeturner123 said:


> Sorry, forgot to say, it comes from 1995 and the 'Management' were unimpressed when someone put a copy on the noticeboard!
> 
> No sense of humour!
> 
> Phil


More likely just didn't understand it.


----------



## IZZY

treeturner123 said:


> Sorry, forgot to say, it comes from 1995 and the 'Management' were unimpressed when someone put a copy on the noticeboard!
> 
> No sense of humour!
> 
> Phil


I once worked for a dept head who did have a sense of humour. Just before going into a monthly dept.heads meeting he realised it was his turn to give 10 minute update on the state of the company. He returned after about 5 minutes with a big smile . I asked why he was back so soon and he said that he had stood up in front of all dept heads plus the top management who were mostly Japanese and started to sing " The foggy foggy dew" He said the look on their faces was worth a fortune . They then threw him out of the meeting.


----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## selectortone

^ I got a router table, with router, and a boxed set of router bits for £25 off Gumtree that way.


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## dzj




----------



## Jameshow

Pedronicus said:


> View attachment 138803





selectortone said:


> ^ I got a router table, with router, and a boxed set of router bits for £25 off Gumtree that way.


We got a Welsh dresser cooker and table worth £5k for £1k. 

As well as the house.... Cheap!


----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Thingybob

Doug B said:


> View attachment 138849


What Groundhog Day again already


----------



## Thingybob

Doug B said:


> View attachment 138849


What Groundhog Day again already


----------



## Thingybob

The double posts were intentional


----------



## Daniel2

.


----------



## SamG340

Thingybob said:


> The double posts were intentional



Not so funny if you have to explain it


----------



## dzj




----------



## RogerM

flying haggis said:


> View attachment 138804


Reminds me of the old Spike Milligan poem :-

"The sky has holes where the rain comes in.
The holes are small, which is why rain is thin"


----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## Thingybob

SamG340 said:


> Not so funny if you have to explain it


If i had not explained it would of got a then i would of had to explain it


----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## morqthana

treeturner123 said:


> My Fav Dilbert
> 
> 
> View attachment 138777








and 






and






and 






If I don't stop now I never will.


----------



## paulrbarnard

ElizaTea said:


> View attachment 138936


Ironically shaking your iPhone brings things back.


----------



## morqthana




----------



## bushwhaker

One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job site and realizes they have forgotten all their shovels.

The crew's foreman calls the office and tells his supervisor the situation.

The supervisor says, "Don't worry, we'll send some shovels... just lean on each other until they arrive."


----------



## Robbo3




----------



## stuart little

morqthana said:


> and
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> and
> 
> View attachment 138939
> 
> 
> and
> 
> View attachment 138941
> 
> 
> If I don't stop now I never will.


?


----------



## SamG340

stuart little said:


> ?



Which one don't you get ? Or is it just that they're not very funny lol


----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## morqthana




----------



## Doug B




----------



## stuart little

SamG340 said:


> Which one don't you get ? Or is it just that they're not very funny lol


Exactly - yes to both, load of 'gobbledegook' to me, much like PE mag 'jokes'!


----------



## SamG340

.


----------



## IZZY

stuart little said:


> Exactly - yes to both, load of 'gobbledegook' to me, much like PE mag 'jokes'!


I think that to appreciate both the humour and the irony of Dilbert one has to have experienced these situations at work or be blessed with a somewhat out of the box sense of humour and take on life in general. These ' requirements' coupled with the need to realise what each character represents which can only be understood by regular doses.


----------



## treeturner123

But surely the Etch-a-sketch one is universal!

Apart from non computer users who wouldn't be on this forum anyway!!

Phil


----------



## morqthana

I wouldn't have thought you needed to know anything about IT to understand management F-Us, morale,etc?


----------



## morqthana

Not an actual joke, but it is funny (IMO)


----------



## Thingybob

morqthana said:


> Not an actual joke, but it is funny (IMO)



 Doh !


----------



## morqthana




----------



## morqthana

Thingybob said:


> Doh !


Yeah - I know. (But didn't until after I'd posted it).

The link to the original on YT works though?


----------



## Yorkieguy




----------



## morqthana




----------



## morqthana

Research on bread indicates that:



1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.



2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.



3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.



4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.



5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!



6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.



7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.



8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.



9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.



10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.



11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.



12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.


----------



## llangatwgnedd

Urgent help required.
Does anyone know where I can get hold of a load of cardboard boxes on really short notice? A bloke I know has to move house today, and doesn’t have much time to prepare.
If anyone can help, could you please drop any boxes round to Boris’ house? It’s 10 Downing Street, London, SW1A 2AA.


----------



## Phill05

llangatwgnedd said:


> Urgent help required.
> Does anyone know where I can get hold of a load of cardboard boxes on really short notice? A bloke I know has to move house today, and doesn’t have much time to prepare.
> If anyone can help, could you please drop any boxes round to Boris’ house? It’s 10 Downing Street, London, SW1A 2AA.


Cancel that last request he's "staying put" as nobody wants him living next to them.


----------



## morqthana

Phill05 said:


> Cancel that last request he's "staying put" as nobody wants him living next to them.


It's OK - somebody has volunteered to have him as a neighbour.


----------



## morqthana




----------



## morqthana

Must be time for a sick one


----------



## morqthana

treeturner123 said:


> My Fav Dilbert
> 
> 
> View attachment 138777


----------



## Doug B




----------



## morqthana




----------



## SamG340




----------



## John Brown

morqthana said:


>


That's funny, but I'm sure I remember reading that porn was a major driver in the quest for ever faster internet speeds.
(@Stuart: this isn't supposed to be a joke, just an observation)


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Ttrees




----------



## Phil Pascoe

I have to "Stuart" that one.


----------



## swisstony

Job for anyone ?


----------



## Phil Pascoe

The old ones are the best.


----------



## stuart little

morqthana said:


>



I remember that one - dunno why!


----------



## stuart little

Ttrees said:


>



 (I guess it's time for one of these) What language was he speaking? Me no unnystan!


----------



## stuart little

Phil Pascoe said:


> I have to "Stuart" that one.


Just dunnit!


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## stuart little

Blackswanwood said:


> View attachment 139117


----------



## Blackswanwood

stuart little said:


>


Stuart - I nearly put an explanation ready for you!

Big Sam Allardyce is a football manager who has a reputation for being brought in after a manager has been fired to do the job of steadying the ship and saving the club from relegation.

You must get out more


----------



## stuart little

That explains it then - I NEVER watch 22 'pillocks' squabling over an inflated bladder!


----------



## flying haggis

Its ok stuart I had no idea who that bloke was either.


----------



## Phil Pascoe

Nor me. I had no idea who S. A. is and have forgotten already.

P.S. - I thought he might have been a bailiff.


----------



## AES

flying haggis said:


> Its ok stuart I had no idea who that bloke was either.


And neither did I


----------



## Yorkieguy




----------



## Yorkieguy

Not actually a joke - more a reflection on life.


----------



## flying haggis

Matt brilliant as usual


----------



## Yorkieguy




----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B




----------



## morqthana

Yorkieguy said:


> View attachment 139163


So that's what Gavin Williamson is up to now....


----------



## Sachakins




----------



## Doug B




----------



## morqthana




----------



## stuart little

Doug B said:


> View attachment 139184


Now that's my sort of joke - I know, it's sad. LOL


----------



## Thingybob

stuart little said:


> Now that's my sort of joke - I know, it's sad. LOL


Well Stuart it must feel good having an emoji named after you  The Stuart Little


----------



## stuart little

Thingybob said:


> Well Stuart it must feel good having an emoji named after you  The Stuart Little


Gee! Thanks mate!!!


----------



## morqthana




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Geoff_S

Doug B said:


> View attachment 139231


Brilliant  I had a bag today and that sums it up!


----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## stuart little

Doug B said:


> View attachment 139231



I had a packet of cheese & o'nion, the one's once advertised by that 'kick-ball' guy, but could barely taste the o'nion - [prob something to do with after effect of the 'dreaded'].


----------



## Alex H

In the spirit of Wimbledon fortnight I bought a punnet of strawberries and looked to the internet for the best way to serve them. It suggested that I halve the strawberries, dust with icing sugar, and pile cream on top.


A word to the wise - pile cream tastes disgusting...


----------



## Morag Jones

AES said:


> And neither did I


Nor me, but I wondered if the forgetful bloke with a beard was advertising the TT races?


----------



## Alex H




----------



## stuart little

Yorkieguy said:


> View attachment 139141


Nor I !


----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## Jameshow

stuart little said:


> I had a packet of cheese & o'nion, the one's once advertised by that 'kick-ball' guy, but could barely taste the o'nion - [prob something to do with after effect of the 'dreaded'].


Worst flavour ever!!


----------



## morqthana

Depends on the make. These are excellent:


----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## Doug B




----------



## morqthana

Am imagining that someone posted a link to a satirical YT vid of a "reporter" outside Westminster commenting on BJ's "departure"? Don't want to post it if I'm not imagining it and it's been taken down for some reason....


----------



## Doug B




----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## morqthana

On the the first day, God created the cow. He said to the cow, "You will go into the fields with the farmer all day long. You will work all day under the sun and provide food and drink for his family. In return I will give you a life span of 50 years." The cow objected, "What? You want me to live a life as hard as that for 50 years ? Let me have 20 years, and I'll give 30 years back to you." So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog and said to him "What you are supposed to do is to sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anybody who comes near. You’ll have a life span of 20 years." The dog objected, "What? 20 years sitting by the door and barking ? No way! I’ll do it for 10 and give you back my other 10 years of life!" So God agreed.

On the third day, God created the monkey. He said to the monkey, "You’re here to entertain people. You've got to make them laugh and do monkey tricks. I'll give you a 20 year life span." The monkey objected. " 20 years of making them laugh and doing monkey faces and tricks? Let me do it for 10 years and take the other 10 years back." So God agreed.

On the fourth day, God created man and said to him, "You will eat, sleep, and play, and have a great life. All you need to do is to enjoy and do nothing, and I'll give you a 20 year life span." The man objected. "What? Such a good life, eating, sleeping, playing, and doing nothing? And I only get 20 years? Why don't we make a deal? The cow gave you back 30 years, the dog gave you back 10 years, and the monkey gave you back 10 years, why not give them to me and make my life span 70 years?" So God agreed.

AND THAT'S WHY.... In our first 20 years, we eat, sleep, play, enjoy the best and do nothing much. For the next 30 years, we work all day long to feed our family. For the next 10 years, we entertain our grandchildren by making monkey faces and doing monkey tricks. And for the last 10 years, we stay at home, sit in a chair and bark at people.


----------



## Serendipity Gunge

From sharpening thread.

There are ten types of people in the world. Those that understand binary, and those who don't.


----------



## niemeyjt

Isn't that - There are 10 types of people in the world. Those that understand binary, and those who don't.


----------



## stuart little

niemeyjt said:


> Isn't that - There are 10 types of people in the world. Those that understand binary, and those who don't





ElizaTea said:


> View attachment 139361


Thanks for the translation - apart from tea & hot chocolate & being a blackcoffee drinker - I always wondered what them thar others were!  & one for luck=  Ha!Ha!


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## treeturner123

niemeyjt said:


> Isn't that - There are 10 types of people in the world. Those that understand binary, and those who don't.


In my industry, Surveying, there are 3 types of Quantity Surveyors, those that can count and those that can't

Phil


----------



## RobinBHM

the 1922 committee have announced their rules for choosing a new leader


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## morqthana

Punchline obscured so it's not seen by accident.

2 AM. The telephone rings,

"Hello, Señor Joe? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house in Palm Desert.”

“Yes Ernesto, I know who you are, what the hell are you doing calling me at this time? It’s 2AM here.”

“Yes, I’m sorry señor, I’m calling to tell you that your parrot, he is dead.”

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?”

"Si, señor, that's the one.”

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird.
What did he die from?”

"From eating the rotten meat, señor.”

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?”

"Nobody, señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.”

"Dead horse? What dead horse?”

"Your horse, Señor Joe.”

"My horse is dead? How did he die?”

"Yes, Señor Joe , we think he died from exhaustion from all that work pulling the water cart.”

"Pulling a water cart? He was a thoroughbred Arab stallion and you had him pull a water cart? Are you insane? What water cart?”

"The one we needed to put out the fire, señor.”

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?”

"The one at your house, señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.”

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?”

"Si, señor.”

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?”

"For the funeral, señor.”

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!”

"Your wife's, Señor Joe, Señora Johanna.

"My wife is dead ? How did she die? Did you have her jumping fences?"

"She came home very late one night and I thought she was a burglar, so I hit her with a golf club. Your new Honma Beres driver had just arrived, and it was on the hall table, so I picked it up and hit her with it. I’m sorry, señor.

SILENCE………..

LONG SILENCE………

VERY LONG SILENCE…………



Spoiler



"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep s***


----------



## Amateur

NEWS JUST IN.

Moscow state University still have a number of degree course places for the Autumn term for students to train as Army Generals if anyone is interested.
Overseas students now being considered for interview.

END OF NEWS BULLETIN.


----------



## Yorkieguy




----------



## Yorkieguy




----------



## Serendipity Gunge

niemeyjt said:


> Isn't that - There are 10 types of people in the world. Those that understand binary, and those who don't.


Try and make that distinction when you tell them down the pub!


----------



## Jameshow

What did the frog do when it broke down??

It got toad home.....!!!!


----------



## dzj




----------



## Droogs

What do you call an armidillo with leprosy




















dillo


----------



## mikej460

Jameshow said:


> What did the frog do when it broke down??
> 
> It got toad home.....!!!!


soon be Christmas....


----------



## Jameshow

mikej460 said:


> soon be Christmas....


Don't remind me got to get a shift on with Santa sleigh!!


----------



## dzj




----------



## Alex H




----------



## Alex H




----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## ElizaTea

Sorry Stuart, Star Wars again….


----------



## stuart little

morqthana said:


> Punchline obscured so it's not seen by accident.
> 
> 2 AM. The telephone rings,
> 
> "Hello, Señor Joe? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house in Palm Desert.”
> 
> “Yes Ernesto, I know who you are, what the hell are you doing calling me at this time? It’s 2AM here.”
> 
> “Yes, I’m sorry señor, I’m calling to tell you that your parrot, he is dead.”
> 
> "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?”
> 
> "Si, señor, that's the one.”
> 
> "Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird.
> What did he die from?”
> 
> "From eating the rotten meat, señor.”
> 
> "Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?”
> 
> "Nobody, señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.”
> 
> "Dead horse? What dead horse?”
> 
> "Your horse, Señor Joe.”
> 
> "My horse is dead? How did he die?”
> 
> "Yes, Señor Joe , we think he died from exhaustion from all that work pulling the water cart.”
> 
> "Pulling a water cart? He was a thoroughbred Arab stallion and you had him pull a water cart? Are you insane? What water cart?”
> 
> "The one we needed to put out the fire, señor.”
> 
> "Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?”
> 
> "The one at your house, señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.”
> 
> "What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?”
> 
> "Si, señor.”
> 
> "But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?”
> 
> "For the funeral, señor.”
> 
> "WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!”
> 
> "Your wife's, Señor Joe, Señora Johanna.
> 
> "My wife is dead ? How did she die? Did you have her jumping fences?"
> 
> "She came home very late one night and I thought she was a burglar, so I hit her with a golf club. Your new Honma Beres driver had just arrived, and it was on the hall table, so I picked it up and hit her with it. I’m sorry, señor.
> 
> SILENCE………..
> 
> LONG SILENCE………
> 
> VERY LONG SILENCE…………
> 
> 
> 
> Spoiler
> 
> 
> 
> "Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep s***


Saw that one coming guys!!!!! So no '  ' this time!! HA! HA!


----------



## stuart little

Yorkieguy said:


> View attachment 139440


----------



## stuart little

ElizaTea said:


> Sorry Stuart, Star Wars again….


Yeah - I know!


----------



## guineafowl21

stuart little said:


>


Swiss Army scythe.

Are you from the past?


----------



## stuart little

guineafowl21 said:


> Swiss Army scythe.
> 
> Are you from the past?


Yup, I'm from 1945, just having a senior moment I guess  . Never thought of that, but, I did note the ice-axe bit!


----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## Jameshow

ElizaTea said:


> View attachment 139486


----------



## ElizaTea

Jameshow said:


>



Excellent!


----------



## Sachakins

Jameshow said:


>



My brother to a statistical T [squared]


----------



## Doug B




----------



## gwaithcoed

Read in the paper the other day a well known actress had given birth to her love child.
Weren't called that in my day  
Can you imagine shouting "The referee's a love child"


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## stuart little

Jameshow said:


>



Hmmmmmmmmmmm! Strange sense of 'humor' these Americans have is all I can say. Subtitles would be useful! I THINK it was English anyway.  +


----------



## stuart little

Blackswanwood said:


> View attachment 139515


Chariot racing?


----------



## JimJay

stuart little said:


> Hmmmmmmmmmmm! Strange sense of 'humor' these Americans have is all I can say. Subtitles would be useful! I THINK it was English anyway.  +


Some colonial dialect, I believe....


----------



## Yorkieguy




----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## dzj




----------



## Droogs

dzj said:


> View attachment 139560


sooo true


----------



## Doug B

I know but it did make me smile


----------



## Sachakins

Doug B said:


> I know but it did make me smile
> 
> View attachment 139561


Better get your tin hat ready, the woke and pc brigade will be around soon (wanting their mascot back me thinks )


----------



## Alex H




----------



## dzj




----------



## Thingybob

Doug B said:


> I know but it did make me smile
> 
> View attachment 139561


Yea but if they win it all we we be going on about it in 56 years thinking its coming home. I think its great especialy for my Grand Daughter


----------



## Phil Pascoe

There's only one thing more boring than women's football. Men's football.


----------



## Trainee neophyte

Phil Pascoe said:


> There's only one thing more boring than women's football. Men's football.


----------



## stuart little

dzj said:


> View attachment 139607


Would it work?!  Ok for towing a wooden boat?


----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## TRITON

Doug B said:


> I know but it did make me smile
> 
> View attachment 139561


----------



## Doug B

TRITON said:


> View attachment 139641


I got sent that one as well but I thought I’d be pushing my luck to post both up


----------



## Alex H




----------



## stuart little

TRITON said:


> View attachment 139641


That looks like a woodworking tool for fixing edge banding !


----------



## IZZY

Pedronicus said:


>


That explains a lot. As far as I'm concerned the best thing about an excess of sun is that it gives me a reason for doing nothing and just lounging about in the shade with a clear conscience.


----------



## stuart little

Why do so many people hate Russian dolls?




Because they're so 'full of themselves'!


----------



## stuart little

IZZY said:


> That explains a lot. As far as I'm concerned the best thing about an excess of sun is that it gives me a reason for doing nothing and just lounging about in the shade with a clear conscience.


Me too, but in my case watching Le Tour de France ad free on Eurosport/GCN player. Didn't 'Yorkie Boy' do well?


----------



## niall Y

TRITON said:


> View attachment 139641


'ENGLAND LADIES NEW TEAM BADGE' reads a lot better - avoids any slight confusion at the beginning of the joke


----------



## stuart little

niall Y said:


> 'ENGLAND LADIES NEW TEAM BADGE' reads a lot better - avoids any slight confusion at the beginning of the joke


It's our 'Mother Tongue' (English) again. Anyone read Bill Bryson's "Mother Tongue" which explains a LOT! Very entertaining to the pedantic amongst us all, IMHO.!


----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Thingybob

stuart little said:


> Why do so many people hate Russian dolls?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Because they're so 'full of themselves'!


So So tempted to put a  in


----------



## Phill05

Pedronicus said:


> View attachment 139646


Eee'h where did you find that photo of me mam that'ed be 1950's nothing got past her glasses.


----------



## IZZY

stuart little said:


> Me too, but in my case watching Le Tour de France ad free on Eurosport/GCN player. Didn't 'Yorkie Boy' do well?


Also watching T d F And enjoying reliving many off road holidays in the mountains.


----------



## MikeK

I cleaned up this thread of the recent political comments, as well as the replies to them. If you want to discuss politics, please do it in the forum we created specifically for this, not the general forum.


----------



## Sachakins

Phill05 said:


> Eee'h where did you find that photo of me mam that'ed be 1950's nothing got past her glasses.


Glad you said that, thought for one moment it was my uncle....


----------



## dzj




----------



## TRITON

Cosplay champion.


----------



## MikeK

TRITON said:


> Cosplay champion.
> View attachment 139683



'Tis but a scratch.


----------



## Ttrees




----------



## ElizaTea

stuart little said:


> That looks like a woodworking tool for fixing edge banding !


Wondered why I found the iron in the shed….


----------



## MiTown

ElizaTea said:


> Wondered why I found the iron in the shed….


Now you know.
Could you put it back there when you've finished with it please!


----------



## stuart little

ElizaTea said:


> Wondered why I found the iron in the shed….


Hope you haven't been nosing around in my shed!


----------



## Pineapple

MikeK said:


> I cleaned up this thread of the recent political comments, as well as the replies to them. If you want to discuss politics, please do it in the forum we created specifically for this, not the general forum.


When you (Wisely) add this comment to ANY THREAD
Please add a Link to the Appropriate Thread to guide the unskilled members.


----------



## Alex H




----------



## Alex H

MEEP MEEP!


----------



## Yorkieguy




----------



## flying haggis

Why do peanuts float in a regular coke and sink in a diet coke. Go ahead and try it.....
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going? (taxes)
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change??? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
HOW DID THE MAN WHO MADE THE FIRST CLOCK, KNOW WHAT TIME IT WAS?


----------



## Trainee neophyte

I have just learnt that the first person to sail around the world single - handed was Captain Hook. Who knew?


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Seascaper

Surely it was Joshua Slocum….


----------



## stuart little

Seascaper said:


> Surely it was Joshua Slocum….


----------



## Seascaper

He built his own boat too, without a bandsaw


----------



## Kittyhawk

Seascaper said:


> He built his own boat too, without a bandsaw


But he did have a lot of carpet tacks...


----------



## Cordy

Joshua Slocum….
Except that Joshua had two hands.....


----------



## quintain

I have just seen the following on Facebook..reminds me of the thread "we were not warned about hot weather in 1976"

FB says "lot of people panicking about 2 days of hot weather at 40*...a lot of people accepted a very new drug being injected into them so that they could go to such as Greece with temp above 40*"

We live live in a funny old world at this time.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Robbo3




----------



## Volksfish




----------



## Amateur




----------



## stuart little

I'm storing a load of this heat in my loft ready for winter!


----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## mikej460

The Judgement of Solomon


----------



## Thingybob

stuart little said:


> I'm storing a load of this heat in my loft ready for winter!


----------



## mikej460

flying haggis said:


> Why do peanuts float in a regular coke and sink in a diet coke. Go ahead and try it.....
> I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
> How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
> Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going? (taxes)
> Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
> What disease did cured ham actually have?
> How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
> Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
> If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
> Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
> Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
> Why do doctors leave the room while you change??? They're going to see you naked anyway.
> Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
> Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
> Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
> If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
> If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
> If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
> Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
> Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
> Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
> HOW DID THE MAN WHO MADE THE FIRST CLOCK, KNOW WHAT TIME IT WAS?


thanks Wonderman


----------



## Jameshow

Breaking news... Nicola sturgeon says the only thing that is going to stop record temperatures in Scotland is devolution....!


----------



## IZZY

stuart little said:


> I'm storing a load of this heat in my loft ready for winter!


Just make sure nobody steals it in the Autumn.


----------



## RobinBHM

As the weather is so hot I asked the Hermes delivery driver if he'd like a bottle of cold water. 

When he said yes I dropkicked it over a fence into my neighbour's rose bush and told him I'd left it in a designated safe space.


----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## Phil Pascoe

That one was done a dozen posts ago .............


----------



## mikej460

Ta..Mac


----------



## Thingybob

Phil Pascoe said:


> That one was done a dozen posts ago .............


Its the heat Phil affects some people funny


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## shed9




----------



## dzj




----------



## selectortone

shed9 said:


> View attachment 139950


I'm going to have that stupid song in my head for the rest of the day now!


----------



## Tris




----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Alex H




----------



## IZZY

Alex H said:


> View attachment 140013


Funny but unfortunately so so true except in my case read 60 years of hording/ saving "bits".


----------



## okeydokey

And another person with not only a large tin of those - I will need it one day - but also 2 plastic buckets over full must get another.
The trouble is its more grief emptying out a bucket full to find that thing but then the problem is getting it all back into the bucket/tin!


----------



## stuart little

selectortone said:


> I'm going to have that stupid song in my head for the rest of the day now!


----------



## stuart little

Tris said:


> View attachment 139978


Pre viagra, I presume!


----------



## stuart little

shed9 said:


> View attachment 139950


Here we go again!


----------



## stuart little

IZZY said:


> Funny but unfortunately so so true except in my case read 60 years of hording/ saving "bits".


Up to retirement, 2009, I had loads of allsorts (NOT liquorice!); BSF BSW UNF UNC & BA , all got binned except for BA. These were from vending machines, but rarely rendered anything useful so eventually binned. I just keep a good selection of metric now.


----------



## guineafowl21

stuart little said:


> Here we go again!


Right then, Grandad:

Lyrics to the song (I had to look this up, but knew the song) Le Freak, by Chic:

*Ahhhh, freak out! (Le freak, c’est chic)* Accompanied by rapid, palm-muted funk-style guitar strumming.

Cf.:
*Free grout!, etc.*

Now, according to the wiki entry, this was released in 1978 (before I was born), when you were 38. Do you hear the phrase ‘living under a rock’ a lot?


----------



## stuart little

guineafowl21 said:


> Right then, Grandad:
> 
> Lyrics to the song (I had to look this up, but knew the song) Le Freak, by Chic:
> 
> *Ahhhh, freak out! (Le freak, c’est chic)* Accompanied by rapid, palm-muted funk-style guitar strumming.
> 
> Cf.:
> *Free grout!, etc.*
> 
> Now, according to the wiki entry, this was released in 1978 (before I was born), when you were 38. Do you hear the phrase ‘living under a rock’ a lot?


I wuz 33 in ,78. Can't say I remember any of the other, probably not my choice of music.  Jusy googled it, now that you told me twas a song, played it on YT - NOW I remember it! Thank you! Alles ist klar! (as they say)


----------



## guineafowl21

stuart little said:


> I wuz 33 in ,78. Can't say I remember any of the other, probably not my choice of music.  Jusy googled it, now that you told me twas a song, played it on YT - NOW I remember it! Thank you! Alles ist klar! (as they say)


Oops! My turn for the senior moment. 78-45=...


----------



## Thingybob

guineafowl21 said:


> Right then, Grandad:
> 
> Lyrics to the song (I had to look this up, but knew the song) Le Freak, by Chic:
> 
> *Ahhhh, freak out! (Le freak, c’est chic)* Accompanied by rapid, palm-muted funk-style guitar strumming.
> 
> Cf.:
> *Free grout!, etc.*
> 
> Now, according to the wiki entry, this was released in 1978 (before I was born), when you were 38. Do you hear the phrase ‘living under a rock’ a lot?


Funky strumming by Nial Rogers still going strong


----------



## Phil Pascoe

Unfortunately.


----------



## stuart little

guineafowl21 said:


> Oops! My turn for the senior moment. 78-45=...


 Maths - Fail!


----------



## John Brown

stuart little said:


> Maths - Fail!


78, 45, 33... Spooky huh?


----------



## stuart little

John Brown said:


> 78, 45, 33... Spooky huh?


----------



## dzj




----------



## Yorkieguy

Not a joke - more a statement on which to ponder:


----------



## dzj

I don't know about Pearl Harbor, but they owe us an apology for making
us look bad with their fancy joinery.


----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Doug B

Blackswanwood said:


> View attachment 140132


Careful you’ll have the duplicated post police on to you


----------



## dzj




----------



## stuart little

shed9 said:


> View attachment 139950


I still cannot see the what 'free grout' has tod o with the cra$$y song, so here's another of MY -


----------



## Phil Pascoe

The link is rather tenuous, it took me a while.


----------



## Thingybob

I dont know if you are serious Stuart or your having a laugh but there are many songs out there that can have words missinterpretated when listening to them and "freak out " sounds like " free grout" have a watch of Peter Kay in Mum wants a bungalow tour .


----------



## selectortone

stuart little said:


> I still cannot see the what 'free grout' has tod o with the cra$$y song, so here's another of MY -


Free grout = Freak out.

Now I'll have that stupid song in my head all day AGAIN.


----------



## stuart little

selectortone said:


> Free grout = Freak out.
> 
> Now I'll have that stupid song in my head all day AGAIN.


AH_HA Alles klar now. Not my type of 'music' which explains my 'having a laugh'


----------



## stuart little

Thingybob said:


> I dont know if you are serious Stuart or your having a laugh but there are many songs out there that can have words missinterpretated when listening to them and "freak out " sounds like " free grout" have a watch of Peter Kay in Mum wants a bungalow tour .


'Fraid I didn't hear it as "free grout". BUT I did hear Abba sing : "Last night when I called you from Tesco".


----------



## Phil Pascoe

and Madonna's some dago with eyes like potatoes?


----------



## Jameshow

Where did the jokes go????


----------



## Vann

And I genuinely struggled with this one for weeks: Venus by Shocking blue "Well, I'm your Venus, I'm your fire, at your desire".

It didn't sound like "Venus" to me. And what I did think it sounded like, might have filled his partner's desire 

Cheers, Vann.


----------



## guineafowl21

stuart little said:


> I still cannot see the what 'free grout' has tod o with the cra$$y song, so here's another of MY -


You told me that alles was klar when I explained it the first time, you fibber!


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Majimoto

Where have all the good jokes?

Long time passing!?


----------



## gwaithcoed

I was in the throes of passion and my wife was like an ice maiden so I said Can't you moan a little . She said look at state of this ceiling.


----------



## Jameshow

My wife came back from watching 50 shades with her friends, holding a chain and collar...this looks interesting I thought!!! 

"You have taken the dog out" she replied !!!


----------



## stuart little

guineafowl21 said:


> You told me that alles was klar when I explained it the first time, you fibber!


That were for both times!  (Only a white fib)


----------



## stuart little

Majimoto said:


> Where have all the good jokes?
> 
> Long time passing!?


'gone to forums everywhere -Oh,when will they ever learn?' - Apologies to Pete Seeger!


----------



## stuart little

Vann said:


> And I genuinely struggled with this one for weeks: Venus by Shocking blue "Well, I'm your Venus, I'm your fire, at your desire".
> 
> It didn't sound like "Venus" to me. And what I did think it sounded like, might have filled his partner's desire
> 
> Cheers, Vann.


The police:- 'Massage in a brothel' - well, that's what we used to sing.


----------



## Yorkieguy




----------



## Yorkieguy




----------



## Robbo3




----------



## Yorkieguy




----------



## Cordy

..A plane spotter in London Heathrow says:
"The plane that just landed has Meghan Markle and Harry onboard.

Second plane spotter: "How can you tell?"

Plane spotter: "Well, they've shut down the engines but it's still whining!"
--------------
I can't believe it's Monkeypox season already.
I still have my Covid decorations up.


----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Jameshow

News just in. 

Festool have released a new chisel. 

The new chisel in back and green colours is claimed to be the only chisel you will ever need, self sharpening, self adjusting in its width, and with terrific dust extraction facilities the festool maxichisel is the tool wood workers have been waiting for...

See the festool website for further information.... !


----------



## IZZY

Jameshow said:


> News just in.
> 
> Festool have released a new chisel.
> 
> The new chisel in back and green colours is claimed to be the only chisel you will ever need, self sharpening, self adjusting in its width, and with terrific dust extraction facilities the festool maxichisel is the tool wood workers have been waiting for...
> 
> See the festool website for further information.... !


No good to me it's not self leveling and has no laser guide .


----------



## quintain

Jameshow said:


> News just in.
> 
> Festool have released a new chisel.
> 
> The new chisel in back and green colours is claimed to be the only chisel you will ever need, self sharpening, self adjusting in its width, and with terrific dust extraction facilities the festool maxichisel is the tool wood workers have been waiting for...
> 
> See the festool website for further information.... !


What a wonderful new tool, how much will it be to hire securicor to look after it if I visit a building site.


----------



## flying haggis

If it doesnt fit on the track guide they can keep it............


----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## dangles

*A plane was taking off from Dublin Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom: 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from Dublin to London. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax....OH, MY GOD!'


Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

Murphy yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!'*


----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## graduate_owner

flying haggis said:


> If it doesnt fit on the track guide they can keep it............


Nobody has mentioned that it needs 3 phase electricity
K


----------



## dzj




----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## Yorkieguy




----------



## Alex H




----------



## Alex H




----------



## Amateur

Thingybob said:


> I dont know if you are serious Stuart or your having a laugh but there are many songs out there that can have words missinterpretated when listening to them and "freak out " sounds like " free grout" have a watch of Peter Kay in Mum wants a bungalow tour .


Ive been singing a Queen song all wrong for year.
I thought, it went

She keeps moaning and groaning in a little cabinet........


----------



## Tom K

And then realised it was OSB?


----------



## Amateur




----------



## IZZY

Amateur said:


> Ive been singing a Queen song all wrong for year.
> I thought, it went
> 
> She keeps moaning and groaning in a little cabinet........


For years I could never understand how "hands" could be " judicious ".


----------



## Amateur

IZZY said:


> For years I could never understand how "hands" could be " judicious ".


Average age must be 85 on here today.
Notice how the kids go quiet.


----------



## stuart little

dzj said:


> View attachment 140466


Answer = no difference!


----------



## stuart little

Amateur said:


> Average age must be 85 on here today.
> Notice how the kids go quiet.


Anyone remember what the ad. was for that went:- "....tasty - tasty, very very tasty" ?? Been bugging me for donkey's ears, but only when I remember!


----------



## Phil Pascoe

Think of all the tasteless things you remember - it might jog your memory.


----------



## selectortone

stuart little said:


> Anyone remember what the ad. was for that went:- "....tasty - tasty, very very tasty" ?? Been bugging me for donkey's ears, but only when I remember!


Kelloggs Bran Flakes. 

Warning: Earworm alert!


----------



## stuart little

selectortone said:


> Kelloggs Bran Flakes.
> 
> Warning: Earworm alert!



Thanks, at last mystery solved! I must admit it was a past aquaintance that started it, & we couldn't find anyone who knew.


----------



## Phil Pascoe

See! I was right. A product devoid of any taste.


----------



## selectortone

stuart little said:


> Thanks, at last mystery solved! I must admit it was a past aquaintance that started it, & we couldn't find anyone who knew.


Google is your friend.


----------



## stuart little

Phil Pascoe said:


> See! I was right. A product devoid of any taste.


I'll have to take your word for it, Phil, as it's something I've never ever tried. I remember feedin bran to pet 'wabbits' in my youth. Talking of pets, a neighbour's cat pays me visits & yesterday decided she wanted to try a plain Tortilla chip, & she liked it, so I guess one could call her a veggy cat!


----------



## stuart little

selectortone said:


> Google is your friend.


Yep! Surprisingly enough I never thought - DUHHHH!


----------



## AES

Phil Pascoe said:


> See! I was right. A product devoid of any taste.



Nahhhh Phil. If you enjoy eating cardboard then I'm sure that Bran Flakes are indeed "tasty"!


----------



## GuitardoctorW7

stuart little said:


> Anyone remember what the ad. was for that went:- "....tasty - tasty, very very tasty" ?? Been bugging me for donkey's ears, but only when I remember!


Findus crispy pancakes?


----------



## Tris

GuitardoctorW7 said:


> Findus crispy pancakes?


Neigh lad


----------



## flying haggis

OK heres another earworm (i know you will hate me after this....)


----------



## Tris

Noooooo! How could you


----------



## niemeyjt

Tris said:


> Neigh lad


Wasn't that the beefburgers?


----------



## Tris

Probably, but why let the truth get in the way of the joke


----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## Yorkieguy




----------



## Robbo3




----------



## JimJay

flying haggis said:


> OK heres another earworm (i know you will hate me after this....)



It's amazing what people will do for money.....


----------



## Doug B




----------



## JimJay

Doug B said:


> View attachment 140581


He can't remember or can't sweat or something like that......


----------



## Tom K

Yeah but, what about fish? I hate fish! More importantly did Stuart partake ?


----------



## Amateur

Phil Pascoe said:


> See! I was right. A product devoid of any taste.


Nothing better at our age to start the day with a bowl of Senokot and warm milk.....


----------



## Amateur




----------



## Amateur

At first glance I thought it was 
"Strappa cocktome"
From the latin translation of The Silver Birch.
But I stand to be corrected.


----------



## Amateur




----------



## CityKid

That is funny!


----------



## gwaithcoed

Definitely hardwood


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Trainee neophyte




----------



## ElizaTea

Doug B said:


> View attachment 140591


----------



## IZZY

ElizaTea said:


> View attachment 140603


But can you sing the song including the woodpeckers call?


----------



## ElizaTea

IZZY said:


> But can you sing the song including the woodpeckers call?


No, but now it‘s an earworm…..


----------



## Amateur




----------



## Amateur

Sorry in advance if this an old one you have all seen.


----------



## stuart little

IZZY said:


> But can you sing the song including the woodpeckers call?


Many moons ago my late wife sang it in her sleep!


----------



## stuart little

Amateur said:


> Sorry in advance if this an old one you have all seen.


Ooo- cuchakoo!!


----------



## Yorkieguy

*HUH?*


----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## gcusick




----------



## Sachakins

Amateur said:


> At first glance I thought it was
> "Strappa cocktome"
> From the latin translation of The Silver Birch.
> But I stand to be corrected.


I thought it was from the Roman guy, Biggus Dickus


----------



## Phil Pascoe

Amateur said:


> View attachment 140627


Oh, dear!


----------



## Phil Pascoe

Sachakins said:


> I thought it was from the Roman guy, Biggus Dickus


Strapadicktomy, in my day.


----------



## Amateur




----------



## Alex H




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## Pineapple

Pedronicus said:


> View attachment 140735



Although Excellently Packaged & Obviously Very Good Quality - I Bet They Are Prohibitively Expensive !


----------



## Morag Jones

Pineapple said:


> Although Excellently Packaged & Obviously Very Good Quality - I Bet They Are Prohibitively Expensive !


Is there a Systainer available for storage?


----------



## MikeK

Morag Jones said:


> Is there a Systainer available for storage?



What a silly question! There's a Systainer available for almost anything (the £5 note is for comparison).






As you can see here, it is already filled with air guitar strings.


----------



## Southdownswolf

Pedronicus said:


> View attachment 140735



I prefer to use these ones


----------



## gcusick




----------



## Alex H




----------



## Alex H




----------



## Johnwa

thats the cheapest systainer I've seen Mike


----------



## Thingybob

Johnwa said:


> thats the cheapest systainer I've seen Mike


Sysrainer, Systainer, Systainer Flippin tool box Arrrrgh fashion My Dewalt drill is realy light and easy to use but i got a hernia lifting the empty box


----------



## stuart little

Thingybob said:


> Sysrainer, Systainer, Systainer Flippin tool box Arrrrgh fashion My Dewalt drill is realy light and easy to use but i got a hernia lifting the empty box


I reckon one needs another workshop just to 'sustain' the systainers!!!!!!!


----------



## flying haggis

and another mortgage......


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## dzj




----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## dzj




----------



## Yorkieguy




----------



## Cozzer

Had to help the wife out yesterday...
Asked to provide a password of at least eight characters, including at least one number and a capital letter, she said all that she could think of was Snow White and the 7 dwarfs....


----------



## quintain

Yorkieguy said:


> View attachment 140848


Similar thought process; a painter/decorator friend of mine decades ago told me " I don't let prospective clients visit my house, if they saw my house they wouldn't employ me".


----------



## dzj




----------



## Amateur




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Alex H




----------



## Alex H




----------



## dzj




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## Alex H




----------



## Yorkieguy




----------



## John Brown

Anyone remember "dial a disc"?


----------



## stuart little

John Brown said:


> Anyone remember "dial a disc"?


Nope!


----------



## gwaithcoed

Question. How many footballers are entered in the diving event in the Commonweaith Games ??


----------



## dzj




----------



## flying haggis

John Brown said:


> Anyone remember "dial a disc"?


160 if i remember correctly


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## stuart little

gwaithcoed said:


> Question. How many footballers are entered in the diving event in the Commonweaith Games ??


0


----------



## Ozi

John Brown said:


> Anyone remember "dial a disc"?


Yarp


----------



## selectortone




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Morag Jones

selectortone said:


> View attachment 141063





selectortone said:


> View attachment 141063


Ha ha but surely Chloe Kelly is a bit in the old side?


----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## 6pac

A bloke gets lost in the desert. He’s really thirsty and sees a Arab with a camel in the distance.

He makes a bee line towards the man and says “Water, water”

The Arab says “want to buy a tie?”

“No I just need water” says the man.

The Arab and camel wander off into the distance never to be seen again.

Over the next three days this happens 3 more times then suddenly the man sees an oasis in the distance. There’s palm trees and a building with large windows.

Close to death he crawls forward thinking this must be a mirage.

On finally arriving he peers through the window to see fountains, pools and water slides. He makes his way to the entrance where there’s a doorman standing there.

WATER, WATER says the man desperately.

The guy on the door says

“Sorry Sir, your not allowed in without a tie”


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Alex H




----------



## Alex H




----------



## Amateur

selectortone said:


> View attachment 141063


Now tell me she didnt do a deal with the "Tick" company just at the offchance she scored a goal.?


----------



## Alex H




----------



## fezman

Amateur said:


> Now tell me she didnt do a deal with the "Tick" company just at the offchance she scored a goal.?


Errrm the "tick" company would be the official supplier of the team kit. You know the same tick that appears on the shirt and the shorts! 


https://www.nike.com/gb/w/football-england-1gdj0z8p57d


----------



## Droogs

and apparently sports bra


----------



## Jameshow

Amateur said:


> Now tell me she didnt do a deal with the "Tick" company just at the offchance she scored a goal.?


Perhaps a holiday or car?!!


----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## Doug B




----------



## DrPhill

Pedronicus said:


> View attachment 141206


Its not funny - its sad, because it is true. A&W Restaurants


----------



## dzj




----------



## gwaithcoed

A secretary walked into her boss's office and said, "I'm afraid I've 
got some bad news for you"

"Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained. "Tell me
some good news for once!"
"Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary. "You're not
sterile..."


----------



## Yorkieguy




----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## Doug B




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## JimJay

flying haggis said:


> View attachment 141360


Isn't that the first rule of absolutely everything?


----------



## Geoff_S

JimJay said:


> Isn't that the first rule of absolutely everything?


You're a very bad man


----------



## dzj




----------



## IZZY

JimJay said:


> Isn't that the first rule of absolutely everything?


They seem capable of voting in inane TV type programs but anything serious NO.


----------



## Amateur




----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## Thingybob

Geoff_S said:


> You're a very bad man


Oh no hes not hes a very naughty boy


----------



## JimJay

Thingybob said:


> Oh no hes not hes a very naughty boy


I've heard that before - my housemaster spent many fruitless years trying to beat it out of me.......


----------



## Majimoto

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted twenty dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.

"Are you Nuts!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing, and hunting."


----------



## Yorkieguy




----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## Vann

ElizaTea said:


> View attachment 141484


Oh, that's very sweet Caroline...

Cheers, Vann.


----------



## gwaithcoed

I've sure gotten old.! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license. 

Alan.


----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Yorkieguy




----------



## gwaithcoed

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. 

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother".

Alan


----------



## niemeyjt

My attempt to combine nitrous oxide and Oxo cubes made me a laughing stock


----------



## Yorkieguy




----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Alex H




----------



## Alex H




----------



## Alex H




----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Doug B




----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## dzj




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Cordy

A salmon called Rusty was swimming around the Titanic ship wreck when he thought he would write some poetry about its sinking and see if he could get it published.

It's now on sale in WH Smith's and all good book stores.

It's called "Salmon Rusty's Titanic verses".


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Cordy

OLD TRAFFORD DONKEY SANCTUARY (Est. 1893.)

From as little as £750 a year, you too can sponsor a helpless donkey. Like HARRY bought from Leicester for £80m, where his cruel Thai owners were forcing him to perform as a 'footballer' for as much as 90 minutes in the blazing sun, in front of a baying crowd. Or CRISTIANO, brought here at enormous expense because no one else wanted him. No one knows exactly how old Cristiano is, but he's certainly a veteran as he can scarcely move and is useless for any work. His food, vet bills and treats cost us over £500k a week. Or perhaps little LUKE or 'Fatty' as he is known to his fans. Luke has had such traumas that he's a compulsive eater, and often eats as many as 10 large sacks of carrots a day.

Of course, you don't need to choose Harry, Cristiano or Luke. We have more than a dozen other donkeys some of them tragic cases. For example PHIL. Little Phil would have been put down anywhere else, as his vet bills are huge and he is rarely able to do any work. However, here at Old Trafford he is safe and can enjoy retirement with his friends.

We are open on alternate weekends and many Thursday nights. Why don't you come down and enjoy the sight of our donkeys running aimlessly about our large field in Trafford, near Manchester? We have several cafes and a big shop where you can buy an expansive range of donkey memorabilia. Remember, every penny goes towards the upkeep of our donkeys and enables us to bring in more hapless donkeys from around the world to our safe retirement home.

(Old Trafford Donkey Sanctuary, Registered Charity 16161616.)

Patron: Mr J. Glazer. Temporary Donkey Superintendent Mr E. ten Hag. Donkey Superintendent Emeritus, Sir Alex Ferguson.

Corporate Sponsors: FA Premier League, PGMOL, BBC, Daily Mail, Guardian, Mr Kok's Crispy Noodle Stall (Bangkok).


----------



## SamG340




----------



## Jameshow

SamG340 said:


> View attachment 141757


Also probably means your in prison...!


----------



## Doug B




----------



## gwaithcoed

Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the
boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

Alan


----------



## dzj




----------



## Jester129




----------



## Jester129




----------



## Jester129




----------



## Jester129




----------



## stuart little

Doug B said:


> View attachment 141761


Seen that in France - but he did have a lid on!


----------



## Ozi

Doug B said:


> View attachment 141761


Looks a bit like my Dad - Great childhood and I survived


----------



## Tom K

Ozi said:


> Looks a bit like my Dad - Great childhood and I survived


Your Dad had a TS250?


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Alex H




----------



## Alex H




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Ozi

Tom K said:


> Your Dad had a TS250?


Nortons, BSAs etc. and almost till she died my Gran used to insist on road testing them, even the race bikes


----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## dzj




----------



## Yorkieguy

Not a joke - just a list of definitions which might come in handy in a pub quiz some time:


----------



## Lorenzl

I always remember the aglet from watching a _Phineas and Ferb_ episode when my daughter was younger.


----------



## Ozi

Yorkieguy said:


> Not a joke - just a list of definitions which might come in handy in a pub quiz some time:
> 
> View attachment 141934


The day after tomorrow used to be called crastin, cras meant tomorrow and confusingly crastinus belonging to tomorrow hence procrastination my personal super power.


----------



## Phil Pascoe

Aglets in this part of the world are hawthorn berries - haws.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Ttrees




----------



## Alex H




----------



## Alex H




----------



## stuart little

Yorkieguy said:


> Not a joke - just a list of definitions which might come in handy in a pub quiz some time:
> 
> View attachment 141934


Tines of a fork. That's all ffolks!?


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Doug B




----------



## dzj




----------



## Amateur

Yorkieguy said:


> Not a joke - just a list of definitions which might come in handy in a pub quiz some time:
> 
> View attachment 141934


And the person that thought that list up was called
"Asinis Foraminis"
But did you get it?


----------



## Amateur

Me and my mate were discussing the cost of electric and ways to save money.
He told me that as the nights were drawing in he'd stopped putting the lights on in his home.
I asked him how he managed to make a brew in the dark.
"Dead simple," he said.
"You always keep the kettle full of water and a pile of tea bags on the side and a cup ready"
In the dark you switch the kettle on and let it boil.
Then you spread your left hand over the top of the cup, spreading out your fingers then pour the water from the kettle between the big gap of the thumb and index finger"

He's just had a skin graft done for third degree burns and should be home tomorrow.


----------



## Robbo3




----------



## Alex H




----------



## stuart little

Yorkieguy said:


> Not a joke - just a list of definitions which might come in handy in a pub quiz some time:
> 
> View attachment 141934


Here's another:- Coriolis effect = what every long range sniper must compensate for.


----------



## AES

stuart little said:


> Here's another:- Coriolis effect = what every long range sniper must compensate for.



And why the bathwater goes clockwise down the plughole in the N. hemisphere/anti-clockwise in the S - or so "they" say!


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Robbo3




----------



## dzj




----------



## Ozi

flying haggis said:


> View attachment 142029


You'd never get a job with Coventry city council with an attitude like that, they managed to put stairs just inside an unlit underpass and call it a cycle path.


----------



## MorrisWoodman12

flying haggis said:


> View attachment 142029


That will be such fun in the wet.


----------



## stuart little

AES said:


> And why the bathwater goes clockwise down the plughole in the N. hemisphere/anti-clockwise in the S - or so "they" say!


No, that's not the 'Coriolis effect', that's caused by the Earth spinning. Coriolis only applies to objects moving through 'free air', unattached to anything.


----------



## J-G

Are you saying that the Bathwater direction is caused by the Earth Spining but that is NOT the Coriolis Effect ? 

As I understand it the Coriolis Effect is precicely the result of the Earth's rotation.


----------



## stuart little

J-G said:


> Are you saying that the Bathwater direction is caused by the Earth Spining but that is NOT the Coriolis Effect ?
> 
> As I understand it the Coriolis Effect is precicely the result of the Earth's rotation.


The way I read it was that it is caused by the earth spinning BUT Coriolis only applies to objects unattched to anything on the earth like a projectile or even a ball (if one could be thrown far enough), thhe effect is for the projectile to veer to the right in the N.hemisphere & vicky-verky in the S..


----------



## Doug B




----------



## AES

stuart little said:


> The way I read it was that it is caused by the earth spinning BUT Coriolis only applies to objects unattched to anything on the earth like a projectile or even a ball (if one could be thrown far enough), thhe effect is for the projectile to veer to the right in the N.hemisphere & vicky-verky in the S..



Gents, I must confess I had to Gogle it, and found that Stuart Little is quite correct. I stand corrected.

(I suppose in the case of the bathwater, the water IS "connected" to the earth - through the bath itself, the plughole, pipery, drains, etc, etc, so it's not coriolis effect). BTW, in my googling I found a very interesting short vid. A guy gives a football to 2 kids, then seats them opposite each other on a playground roundabout. While the roundabout doesn't rotate, the kids can throw the ball back and forwards to each other no problem, but when the guy turns the roundabout at a reasonable speed, the ball apparently veers off to the side, missing the opposite kid by "miles". One could of course argue that during it's flight the ball is not connected to the earth, but it does carry the rotation of the roundabout with it when it leaves the thrower's hands. A bit like the 1,010 mph fly trapped aboard Concorde - normally flies at "10 mph", but when aboard Concorde, add the 1,000 mph to that (unless he's flying toward the tail)!).  

WHAT a fuss I've made in the Jokes thread. Sorry ....... hat, coat .....


----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## gcusick




----------



## John Brown

AES said:


> Gents, I must confess I had to Gogle it, and found that Stuart Little is quite correct. I stand corrected.
> 
> (I suppose in the case of the bathwater, the water IS "connected" to the earth - through the bath itself, the plughole, pipery, drains, etc, etc, so it's not coriolis effect). BTW, in my googling I found a very interesting short vid. A guy gives a football to 2 kids, then seats them opposite each other on a playground roundabout. While the roundabout doesn't rotate, the kids can throw the ball back and forwards to each other no problem, but when the guy turns the roundabout at a reasonable speed, the ball apparently veers off to the side, missing the opposite kid by "miles". One could of course argue that during it's flight the ball is not connected to the earth, but it does carry the rotation of the roundabout with it when it leaves the thrower's hands. A bit like the 1,010 mph fly trapped aboard Concorde - normally flies at "10 mph", but when aboard Concorde, add the 1,000 mph to that (unless he's flying toward the tail)!).
> 
> WHAT a fuss I've made in the Jokes thread. Sorry ....... hat, coat .....


I'm not sure about this. I'm struggling with the concept of a ball having an angular motion imparted to it. I think that as soon as the ball leaves the thrower's hands it has only a straight line velocity. I could be wrong, it happened once before in 1967, but try this thought experiment: attach a ball to a length of string, and swing it around your head. Then let go of the string. The ball will not continue in a circular path, but will take off at a tangent. I asked three-time world champion hammer thrower, Jock McOatscarton about this, and he agreed with me in no uncertain terms.


----------



## TRITON




----------



## guineafowl21

John Brown said:


> I'm not sure about this. I'm struggling with the concept of a ball having an angular motion imparted to it. I think that as soon as the ball leaves the thrower's hands it has only a straight line velocity. I could be wrong, it happened once before in 1967, but try this thought experiment: attach a ball to a length of string, and swing it around your head. Then let go of the string. The ball will not continue in a circular path, but will take off at a tangent. I asked three-time world champion hammer thrower, Jock McOatscarton about this, and he agreed with me in no uncertain terms.


^^^ This is true. The string was providing a centripetal force to keep the ball in a circular path, and when released it will travel at a tangent. It will not travel radially as the only ‘centrifugal’ force acts your hand to balance the centripetal force on the ball.

On the spinning roundabout, once thrown, the ball will continue with some tangential motion, so should ‘lag’ the person receiving it.


----------



## AES

guineafowl21 said:


> ^^^ This is true. The string was providing a centripetal force to keep the ball in a circular path, and when released it will travel at a tangent. It will not travel radially as the only ‘centrifugal’ force acts your hand to balance the centripetal force on the ball.
> 
> On the spinning roundabout, once thrown, the ball will continue with some tangential motion, so should ‘lag’ the person receiving it.



Short answer: "I dunno". Sorry to have stirred up a "storm" - NOT my intention. I'll leave the rest for all you clever types to discuss. But I would suggest a look at the little vid I referred to above - IF anyone wants to take this any further. I'm out!


----------



## John Brown

I'd watch it if you posted a link, but I doubt it would convince me. The boy throws the ball. Once it's left his hands it travels in a straight line. By the time it reaches the opposite side of the roundabout, the other boy has moved round. It would be the same if the boys were on two trains moving in opposite directions, and I don't see what it has to do with the Coriolis effect.
But back to jokes...


----------



## J-G

John Brown said:


> I'd watch it if you posted a link, but I doubt it would convince me. The boy throws the ball. Once it's left his hands it travels in a straight line. By the time it reaches the opposite side of the roundabout, the other boy has moved round. It would be the same if the boys were on two trains moving in opposite directions, and I don't see what it has to do with the Coriolis effect.
> But back to jokes...


To be pedantic, the trajectory of the ball - viewed in the horizontal plain, perpendicular to the direction of travel - would in fact be a Parabola, though viewed from above there may be a distortion due to the coriolis effect. Over the distance involved (how far can a boy throw a ball?) it would need extremely sensitive measuring equipment to determine the magnitude of that effect.  (this is a joke thread afterall)


----------



## stuart little

John Brown said:


> I'm not sure about this. I'm struggling with the concept of a ball having an angular motion imparted to it. I think that as soon as the ball leaves the thrower's hands it has only a straight line velocity. I could be wrong, it happened once before in 1967, but try this thought experiment: attach a ball to a length of string, and swing it around your head. Then let go of the string. The ball will not continue in a circular path, but will take off at a tangent. I asked three-time world champion hammer thrower, Jock McOatscarton about this, and he agreed with me in no uncertain terms.


The distance would be too short for the C. effect to occur, I gather that about or at least 1000 metres would show the effect, that's why for a long shot a sniper would need to set up his aim to the left (& above) the target. I guess if we wanted to 'nuke' Moacow we would aim for somewhere between there & St. Petersb'g!  . I'm wondering now if 'planes flying 'The Great Circle' are effected.


----------



## Thingybob

Well whoever threw the joke thread it certainly viered off to the left and that is called arsiolis effect


----------



## stuart little

Thingybob said:


> Well whoever threw the joke thread it certainly viered off to the left and that is called arsiolis effect


I was just thinking the same - well, y'know what they say about great minds!


----------



## Jameshow

If you haven't read them:- 

This year best Edinburgh jokes... Lean year imho. 

1 "I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn't get pasta" - Masai Graham

2. "Did you know, if you get pregnant in the Amazon, it's next-day delivery" - Mark Simmons

3. "My attempts to combine nitrous oxide and Oxo cubes made me a laughing stock" - Olaf Falafel

4. "By my age, my parents had a house and a family, and to be fair to me, so do I - but it is the same house and it is the same family" - Hannah Fairweather

5. "I hate funerals - I'm not a mourning person" - Will Mars

6. "I spent the whole morning building a time machine, so that's four hours of my life that I'm definitely getting back" - Olaf Falafel

7. "I sent a food parcel to my first wife. FedEx" - Richard Pulsford

8. "I used to live hand to mouth. Do you know what changed my life? Cutlery" - Tim Vine

9. "Don't knock threesomes. Having a threesome is like hiring an intern to do all the jobs you hate" - Sophie Duker

10. "I can't even be bothered to be apathetic these days" - Will Duggan


----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## Cozzer

stuart little said:


> The distance would be too short for the C. effect to occur, I gather that about or at least 1000 metres would show the effect, that's why for a long shot a sniper would need to set up his aim to the left (& above) the target. I guess if we wanted to 'nuke' Moacow we would aim for somewhere between there & St. Petersb'g!  . I'm wondering now if 'planes flying 'The Great Circle' are effected.



.....or even "affected".....


----------



## Doug B




----------



## GuitardoctorW7

Doug B said:


> View attachment 142137


It's not really an instructional book, it just goes through the motions....


----------



## Geoff_S

GuitardoctorW7 said:


> It's not really an instructional book, it just goes through the motions....


----------



## Alex H




----------



## Alex H




----------



## stuart little

ElizaTea said:


> View attachment 142111


----------



## Jameshow

stuart little said:


>


Yeap!????


----------



## MikeK

stuart little said:


>


No one ever told you not to run with scissors?


----------



## Phil Pascoe

No.


----------



## Yorkieguy




----------



## Yorkieguy




----------



## dzj




----------



## treeturner123

MikeK said:


> No one ever told you not to run with scissors?


Or a pen/pencil in your mouth!

Phil


----------



## Sachakins

Yorkieguy said:


> View attachment 142192


Why not, we give our government votes for their administrative skills, and they don't have the ability either


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## stuart little

MikeK said:


> No one ever told you not to run with scissors?


Nope. A knife, yes.


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## TRITON

stuart little said:


> Nope. A knife, yes.


You need to learn how to run while holding a knife.

Otherwise the victim will get away.


----------



## Alex H




----------



## Amateur




----------



## Linus

Apparently Elton John bought his pet rabbit one of these treadmill machines!

Now I think it's a little fit bunny.


----------



## Robbo3




----------



## Alex H




----------



## Jameshow

Little bit worrying at roller coaster operating kiosk!


----------



## Doug B




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Doug B




----------



## dzj




----------



## quintain

Doug B said:


> View attachment 142433


No relevance or association ever in these matters. Pizza procedures could quickly be shown to be logical by most men. Understanding women is taking somewhat longer.


----------



## Jameshow

quintain said:


> No relevance or association ever in these matters. Pizza procedures could quickly be shown to be logical by most men. Understanding women is taking somewhat longer.


Going by the thread I think it was a joke!!

I understand women, I just don't understand my wife!!


----------



## Amateur




----------



## Robbo3




----------



## niemeyjt




----------



## Alex H




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Lard

Amateur said:


> View attachment 142495


I spent 5 mins trying, and failing, to blow that hair off my screen!


----------



## ElizaTea

Lard said:


> I spent 5 mins trying, and failing, to blow that hair off my screen!


Me too.


----------



## Robbo3




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Yorkieguy




----------



## Amateur




----------



## Yorkieguy




----------



## Yorkieguy




----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## selectortone




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Majimoto

Yorkieguy said:


> View attachment 142656


This is a Joke Thread.!

That brilliant image is far too serious and thought provoking.


----------



## dzj




----------



## mikej460

H9w about this then


Majimoto said:


> This is a Joke Thread.!
> 
> That brilliant image is far too serious and thought provoking.


How about this then...


----------



## Suffolkboy

mikej460 said:


> H9w about this then
> 
> How about this then...
> View attachment 142738


Please twll me that's photoshopped.


----------



## Jester129

It's photoshopped. Okay now???


----------



## Alex H




----------



## Yorkieguy




----------



## stuart little

Jester129 said:


> It's photoshopped. Okay now???


Photo-chopped more like!


----------



## Just4Fun

Alex H said:


> View attachment 142744


Is there a prize for needing all of these on one project?


----------



## Amateur




----------



## Amateur

A bit near the bone this one.....no pun intended..lol


----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## JimJay

Suffolkboy said:


> Please twll me that's photoshopped.


It may be photoshopped but I've seen just as weird and wonderful things in my neck of the woods......


----------



## dzj




----------



## Linus




----------



## Linus




----------



## Alex H

The energy crisis is really starting to hit home. 

My local Chinese takeaway received a £5k electricity bill just for lighting.

The owner said he can't turn all the bulbs off, but he does dim sum.


----------



## Alex H




----------



## Jameshow

What a con! I just went to the cinema to see the sequel to 'Groundhog Day'. It was the same film!


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Robbo3




----------



## dzj




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Alex H

Which Icelandic singer was named after a city in England? 

Was it:

A. Norwich
B. York
C. Leeds


----------



## Alex H




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## rocketman_k




----------



## Jameshow

rocketman_k said:


> View attachment 142970


You removed it from the beach last week as the dog pulled me in!!


----------



## stuart little

flying haggis said:


> View attachment 142960


That is NOT funny!


----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B

Some folks are quick


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## dzj




----------



## Linus

flying haggis said:


> View attachment 142960


----------



## Jameshow

Linus said:


>


Googly eyes - kids craft accessories - it a joke and not serious!!


----------



## Thingybob

Blackswanwood said:


> View attachment 143001


What spitting image back then


----------



## rocketman_k




----------



## Alex H

What's the difference between black-eyed peas and chick peas?

Black-eyed peas can sing us a song but chick peas can only hum us one.



Bruce Lee's daughter Simone now makes a living selling mobile phone contracts


----------



## Alex H




----------



## Noel




----------



## Doug B




----------



## dzj




----------



## Alex H

If people think that gas and electric is expensive at the moment they should see the cost of chimneys.

They’re through the roof.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## dzj




----------



## Alex H




----------



## cisamcgu

Alex, I have seen a lot of these on Cycle Chat, they are very good


----------



## Jameshow

cisamcgu said:


> Alex, I have seen a lot of these on Cycle Chat, they are very good


How many of us are on both!


----------



## AES

Or give him a Kilo Cycle and let 'im return Ohm by a short circuit ¨(hat, coat .............................)


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Alex H

cisamcgu said:


> Alex, I have seen a lot of these on Cycle Chat, they are very good


Oh dear, you've found my source


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Jester129

I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.
Or
My mother's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Or
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
Or
When I was born, I was so surprised, I didn't talk for a year and a half.
Or
My son just threatened never to talk to me again. I'm 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Or
There's an app on my phone that makes me look fat. It's called a camera.
Or
Once you start talking to dogs, it's almost impossible to go back to people.
Or
Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs? I don't thinks so.... retired mermaids.
Or
I once took to the stage as Hamlet, which really annoyed the cast of Mamma Mia.
Or
If I'd known my grandchildren were so much fun, I would have had them first.
Or
All this talk about age is foolish. Every time I'm one year older, everyone else is too.
Or
I watched a cricket match for three hours waiting for it to start.
Or
I've been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn't require my presence.
Or
I'm leaving my body to science because even scientists need a good laugh now and then.
Or
Well hello! If I had known you were coming over, I would have left the house.
Or
My wife accused me of being self-important. I nearly fell off my throne.
Or
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Or
It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly.
Or
Today is one of those days where I wish I could restore myself to the factory settings.


----------



## Phil Pascoe

I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food ...

Reminds me of the brilliant sketch by Rory Bremner with Keith Floyd's fish flavoured wine soup.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## JimJay

Doug B said:


> View attachment 143207


I love tasteless jokes - do you know any?


----------



## dzj




----------



## Phil Pascoe

JimJay said:


> I love tasteless jokes - do you know any?


it's not a joke.


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Doug B




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## dzj




----------



## Robbo3




----------



## Alex H




----------



## Alex H




----------



## Geoff_S

Alex H said:


> View attachment 143277


 I thought they were spanners ….. then I took a second look


----------



## dzj




----------



## Stan




----------



## stuart little

Geoff_S said:


> I thought they were spanners ….. then I took a second look


Me too!  Perhaps Richard Cranium wuz ere!


----------



## The_Yellow_Ardvark

There are 10 types of people in this world, those who understand binary and those who don’t


----------



## Alex H




----------



## stuart little

The_Yellow_Ardvark said:


> There are 10 types of people in this world, those who understand binary and those who don’t


 I don't!!!


----------



## JimJay

The_Yellow_Ardvark said:


> There are 10 types of people in this world, those who understand binary and those who don’t


Actually there are 11 types - you forgot those who repeat things that people have already mentioned (several times) previously.....


----------



## The_Yellow_Ardvark

3/2 people dont understand fractions.


----------



## Robbo3




----------



## Yorkieguy




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## The_Yellow_Ardvark




----------



## The_Yellow_Ardvark




----------



## Alex H




----------



## Alex H




----------



## JimJay

Alex H said:


> View attachment 143449


Wouldn't work too well with those Cross-Pond Colonials and their funny pronunciation.....


----------



## stuart little

flying haggis said:


> View attachment 143415


Charles II ? Must be a forgery - He's Charles one eleven (111)


----------



## stuart little

The_Yellow_Ardvark said:


> View attachment 143423


----------



## niall Y

stuart little said:


>


It's a Lego version of a well known ( ? )  Escher print


----------



## stuart little

niall Y said:


> It's a Lego version of a well known ( ? )  Escher print


'Scuse my 'iggorence' but WT flippin' 'eck is/was Escher ?


----------



## niall Y

stuart little said:


> 'Scuse my 'iggorence' but WT flippin' 'eck is/was Escher ?


A Dutch graphic artist, who made prints, almost exclusively in black and white. They always contain a degree of visual trickery. Best look him up - MAURITS CORNELIS ESCHER, His work was very popular in the '60's / '70's. Used on an LP cover for the Rolling Stones .................... Here endeth the lesson


----------



## stuart little

niall Y said:


> A Dutch graphic artist, who made prints, almost exclusively in black and white. They always contain a degree of visual trickery. Best look him up - MAURITS CORNELIS ESCHER, His work was very popular in the '60's / '70's. Used on an LP cover for the Rolling Stones .................... Here endeth the lesson


Muchos Gracias! I am now much more learned


----------



## gcusick




----------



## dzj




----------



## Phil Pascoe




----------



## stuart little

The_Yellow_Ardvark said:


> View attachment 143424


'Err, they all looked right way up to me first look.


----------



## stuart little

Alex H said:


> View attachment 143449


Sue who?


----------



## guineafowl21

stuart little said:


> Sue who?


I had to look that up as well - Johnny Cash: A boy (buoy) called Sue.

Doesn’t work in the US as they pronounce it ‘boo-ee’


----------



## stuart little

guineafowl21 said:


> I had to look that up as well - Johnny Cash: A boy (buoy) called Sue.
> 
> Doesn’t work in the US as they pronounce it ‘boo-ee’


Welllllllllllllllllllllllllllll I'll go to the foot of our stairs!


----------



## edufvdb

stuart little said:


> Muchos Gracias! I am now much more learned


BTW it's muchas gracias (las gracias), so much more to learn indeed


----------



## Thingybob

stuart little said:


> 'Scuse my 'iggorence' but WT flippin' 'eck is/was Escher ?





dzj said:


> View attachment 143472


I didnt know they had a live pianist at a bullfight


----------



## JimJay

dzj said:


> View attachment 143472


Not if the photo was taken in Crete


----------



## stuart little

edufvdb said:


> BTW it's muchas gracias (las gracias), so much more to learn indeed


It's me Herefordshire accent!!


----------



## dzj

JimJay said:


> Not if the photo was taken in Crete


I don't know, the fella's a bit on the chubby side to be a bull-leaper.


----------



## dzj




----------



## Amateur




----------



## Alex H




----------



## Alex H

I'm trying to remember that 80s sitcom set in a bar in Boston. If you remember it, that'd be great.

Cheers.













.


----------



## Myfordman

Now here's a funny thing!
Have you noticed that the Algorithm that produces the list of "Similar Threads" at the bottom of the page is so perverse that it does not include the previous joke threads.
Mods: Bit of a waste of space and should be turned off to save bandwidth.


----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## Jameshow

ElizaTea said:


> View attachment 143579


Pottering ... 

Messing around in the man cave doing not alot, making not alot, yet feeling better for it!!


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Jameshow

Top tip..... 

If you have some bad news this weekend might be a good time to drop it esp if your partner is a royalist..... Or perhaps buy an expensive power tool.... 

Ps this is a joke.....on a joke thread....


----------



## Alex H




----------



## dzj




----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## Doug B




----------



## flying haggis

Jameshow said:


> Pottering ...
> 
> Messing around in the man cave doing not alot, making not alot, yet feeling better for it!!


Or as known in our house Furkling..


----------



## Pineapple

flying haggis said:


> Or as known in our house Furkling..


In Northern English "furkelling means rummaging around, usually in search of "summat"


----------



## Doug B




----------



## dzj




----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## Blister




----------



## Alex H

I paid up front for a carpenter to make me a double bed.


He’s only gone and done a bunk!


----------



## flying haggis

Pineapple said:


> In Northern English "furkelling means rummaging around, usually in search of "summat"


yep, that's me in the workshop/shed/man cave


----------



## Doug B




----------



## JimJay

Blister said:


> View attachment 143695


Don't you just hate it when people who can't spell can draw so much better than you?


----------



## Majimoto

JimJay said:


> Don't you just hate it when people who can't spell can draw so much better than you?


What's rong with "druff" ?


----------



## ElizaTea

Pedronicus said:


> View attachment 143666


Many years ago I had the temerity say to my maths teacher that I couldn’t see how I would find a use for algebra. She was quite cross with me…. 🫢


----------



## JimJay

Majimoto said:


> What's rong with "druff" ?


Nothing apart from the "dogy" spelling....


----------



## Jameshow

JimJay said:


> Don't you just hate it when people who can't spell can draw so much better than you?


Why do you despise those who have other gifts than you, and may well struggle through life with a learning difficulty??


----------



## Thingybob

Jameshow said:


> Why do you despise those who have other gifts than you, and may well struggle through life with a learning difficulty??


Joke thread is drifting again Joke thread not Poke thread lets just have a laff


----------



## Cozzer

"I've told you a billion times! Stop exaggerating!"


----------



## Jameshow

Thingybob said:


> Joke thread is drifting again Joke thread not Poke thread lets just have a laff


Agreed!


----------



## JimJay

Jameshow said:


> Why do you despise those who have other gifts than you, and may well struggle through life with a learning difficulty??


Why do you find it incumbent on you to invent what other people think and then criticise them for it? Do you live in Strawman Land?


----------



## Jameshow

I think hate is a very strong word to describe an attitude towards another person skills. 

Why would you hate another person's ability to draw?

Why not say - I hate it when a wheel chair user can draw you wouldn't dare, So why mock someone who cannot spell.


----------



## Yorkieguy




----------



## Yorkieguy




----------



## JimJay

Jameshow said:


> I think hate is a very strong word to describe an attitude towards another person skills.
> 
> Why would you hate another person's ability to draw?
> 
> Why not say - I hate it when a wheel chair user can draw you wouldn't dare, So why mock someone who cannot spell.


Oh dear, clearly I've been teaching English under false pretences all these years....

Let's take it from the top: the expression "Don't you hate it when..." doesn't necessarily contain any connotation of hating a person or indeed their actions; in fact it's a meaning of "hate" which describes a situation which makes you feel upset/uncomfortable/embarrassed/envious etc. So the attempted "joke" was me describing a situation in which a cartoonist didn't proof read his cartoon, which immediately caught my eye, but which also elicited a degree of envy in me because I'm totally unable to draw more than stick figures. I could go on and explain that any negative meaning in my comment was aimed at me and not the cartoonist, who may well simply have made a slip of the pen - but I don't really think that there's any point feeding the virtue-signalling trolls who coming crawling out of the wood at the slightest opportunity, wouldn't you agree?


----------



## J-G

JimJay said:


> Let's take it from the top: the expression "Don't you hate it when..." doesn't necessarily contain any connotation of hating a person or indeed their actions; in fact it's a meaning of "hate" which describes a situation which makes you feel upset/uncomfortable/embarrassed/envious etc. wouldn't you agree?


I suggest that you have never felt the emotion 'Hate' - had you done so you would never concider the word in that light.


----------



## Thingybob

J-G said:


> I suggest that you have never felt the emotion 'Hate' - had you done so you would never concider the word in that light.


Thats it joke thread gone off on walkies again, Im off to see if there is a sharpening thread for a laugh


----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## JimJay

J-G said:


> I suggest that you have never felt the emotion 'Hate' - had you done so you would never concider the word in that light.


With the greatest of respect, what I explained previously isn't what *I* consider the word to mean, it's simply one of its recognised meanings in the English language. Any "emotion" which that fact may give rise to has nothing to do with linguistics or my original comment; if you choose to go off on a tangent, that's down to you, and it certainly has nothing to do with Jokes...or having a sense of the ridiculous. I use words in accordance with what they actually mean, not with what I think they mean or what I'd like them to mean - you might perhaps consider a similar approach...


----------



## Johnwa

Gentlemen, this is a woodworking forum not a place for airing your views on social issues. I believe (could be wrong) that there is another part of this forum for people who wish to change the world and make their political feelings known. Please leave this part of the forum to woodworking questions, go to the spleen venters part and use it!


----------



## Phil Pascoe

It is actually under "general chat", John. No one is forcing you to read it.

(That said, it is a little off tack.)


----------



## Keefy.

Thingybob said:


> Thats it joke thread gone off on walkies again, Im off to see if there is a sharpening thread for a laugh


Joke Thread 3 ,anyone?
No offence intended.


----------



## Tom K

Don’t you just hate it when threads get derailed? Bravo to Jim Jay for not correcting that spelling mistake too!


----------



## Linus

If I may, perhaps I could propose some simple guidelines for the "joke thread"? Moderators - if I am out of order please advise accordingly.

1. If you have a joke or humorous cartoon that you think is worthy of sharing, please do post it on this thread.
2. If you don't understand any item, a simple  emoji will suffice. The OP can then explain as necessary.
3. If you like/dislike any item then please click on the like icon and choose the appropriate love/hate emoji only. Please do not comment. If the item is distasteful I am sure the moderator will take appropriate steps to correct the issue.
4. If you really feel that an item deserves discussion/debate/castigation/capital punishment etc., please raise a separate thread accordingly so that others may ignore/join in as they see fit, without spoiling the enjoyment of those who read the joke thread for it's levity and brevity alone.

Lastly, please accept my apologies for commenting in the joke thread! I considered posting this as a separate thread but I felt it important and relevant to post it here. I shall endeavour not to repeat the offence.


----------



## Thingybob

Phil Pascoe said:


> It is actually under "general chat", John. No one is forcing you to read it.
> 
> (That said, it is a little off tack.)


Tack more like a ruddy 6 inch nail


----------



## Jester129

'Track' and 'Consider'.......sorry, couldn't resist it! Please take with a light heart.


----------



## Tris

6 inch nailing to starboard?


----------



## bushwhaker

* Why i have trust issue.
.
Iceland* 



..............................................................................
..............................................................................



*Greenland*


----------



## Garden Shed Projects

What do you call a magician who has lost his magic?






Ian……..


----------



## Amateur




----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## Thingybob

Tris said:


> 6 inch nailing to starboard?


Oooh you are nautical


----------



## Noel

Happy Ron Pickering day.
7th anniversary

Who?


----------



## Phil Pascoe

ElizaTea said:


> View attachment 143913


My grandmother had a footstool which started life as kitchen stool ...


----------



## stuart little

Yorkieguy said:


> View attachment 143783


Ahhh, poor Kermit!


Garden Shed Projects said:


> What do you call a magician who has lost his magic?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Ian……..


Heyy guys, even I got that one!


----------



## Amateur




----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B




----------



## RobinBHM

Whats been happening in the joke thread?

Apparently religion, politics, sharpening, Brexit and jokes are too divisive these days.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Amateur




----------



## Amateur




----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## Tom K

Noel said:


> Happy Ron Pickering day.
> 7th anniversary
> 
> Who?


Poor Ronnie Pickering met his match when he tried to road rage a scouser on a moped!


----------



## Cordy

Breaking

Putin attempts to sign up Lyndon Dykes


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Yorkieguy




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## John Brown

flying haggis said:


> View attachment 144046


There's no apostrophe in "its'", when used in that context.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Kittyhawk

It's well over a decade since I passed my end of study interview and got issued with an 'Authority to Practice' as am ambulance man and since retiring I've forgotten just about everything - except for a year one lecture on hygiene, probably because the tutor started with a joke and ended with a rather gross bit of unnecessary information. 

Three men in a urinal.
The first finishes and goes to the sink and makes a show of scrupulously washing his hands and announces 'I'm a paramedic and at med school they taught us the importance of hygiene.' The second man finishes, heads to the adjoining sink and as he lathers up says 'I'm a minister and at Bible school they taught us that cleanliness is next to godliness.' The last man zips up, heads for the door and as he passes the other two says 'I'm a sailor and at nautical school they taught us not to pee on our fingers!'

And the grubby conclusion of the lecture..
As I recall, according to the tutor toilet paper manufacturers have a bit of a conundrum in producing a product that produces the right balance between softness and porosity, the two being inversely proportional. In order to satisfy the needs of our delicate Western bottoms, a medium soft double ply paper is the norm but tests show that a minimum stack of four pieces of the double ply is required to prevent fecal material from migrating through and onto the fingers. Eeeeeuuw.


----------



## Stan

Three skinheads went to a drive-in movie. They got bored so they decided to slash the seats....


----------



## bushwhaker

The text:

-You are so beautiful but isn't what i want.
- What you want? 
-Winter tyres.

*Note: I special checked wright spelling of "tyre" in UK. *


----------



## Adam W.

? Nope, you're going to have to explain that one to me.


----------



## Pineapple

Adam W. said:


> ? Nope, you're going to have to explain that one to me.


I can only think that if this lady came to stay in my house in a Russian Winter, that I would very soon be very Tired !


----------



## Pineapple

Stan said:


> Three skinheads went to a drive-in movie. They got bored so they decided to slash the seats....


----------



## Pineapple

Surely, it must have been a stolen car ! Even skinheads couldn't be that stupid.


----------



## niall Y

Skinheads drove *scooters or was that Mods?*


----------



## Pineapple

niall Y said:


> Skinheads drove *scooters or was that Mods?*


I'm sure that Scooters were Originally driven by the MODS.. But I'm not sure about Skinheads favourite mode of transport but I imagine most of them preferred something paid for by some-one else.


----------



## Geoff_S

Skinheads we’re a different generation to mods and rockers, weren’t they?


----------



## Pineapple

Geoff_S said:


> Skinheads we’re a different generation to mods& Rockers


----------



## Pineapple

Mods & Rockers = 1960's - - Skinheads were 1980's


----------



## selectortone

We had skinheads in the late 60s. Slade started off as a skinhead band. I know, I was there. 

Now back to the jokes please.


----------



## Suffolkboy

.


----------



## Thingybob

Pineapple said:


> I'm sure that Scooters were Originally driven by the MODS.. But I'm not sure about Skinheads favourite mode of transport but I imagine most of them preferred something paid for by some-one else.


Burgundy doc s


----------



## Linus

Well, I tried


----------



## Terry - Somerset

Mods rode scooters, liberally adorned with rabbits' fur and rear-view mirrors. Vespa and Lambretta were icons of Italian sophistication, which Mods failed to emulate with their fur trimmed parkas.

Rockers rode proper motorbikes. BSA and Triumph - good ol' British engineering with a tendency to weep oil over everything. Leather jackets and studs ruled.


----------



## JimJay

Pineapple said:


> I can only think that if this lady came to stay in my house in a Russian Winter, that I would very soon be very Tired !


That's Bulgarian, not Russian


----------



## Amateur




----------



## IZZY

John Brown said:


> There's no apostrophe in "its'", when used in that context.


We live and learn something new every day. The Apostrophe Police strike again.


----------



## Yorkieguy




----------



## John Brown

IZZY said:


> We live and learn something new every day. The Apostrophe Police strike again.


It distracted me from commenting on the content of the "joke".


----------



## stuart little

dzj said:


> View attachment 144015


 Uhh?


----------



## stuart little

Cordy said:


> Breaking
> 
> Putin attempts to sign up Lyndon Dykes


----------



## dzj




----------



## stuart little

Geoff_S said:


> Skinheads we’re a different generation to mods and rockers, weren’t they?


You're a skinhead, are you?


----------



## stuart little

Amateur said:


> View attachment 144104


That's the English language again for you!


----------



## dzj

stuart little said:


> Uhh?


The author of the meme is implying that it is as hard to unstick stacked buckets 
as it is to draw Excalibur from the stone or to lift Thor's hammer.


----------



## Geoff_S

stuart little said:


> You're a skinhead, are you?


I prefer egghead


----------



## stuart little

dzj said:


> The author of the meme is implying that it is as hard to unstick stacked buckets
> as it is to draw Excalibur from the stone or to lift Thor's hammer.


As the blind man on the galloping horse said; "I see it all now". (Couldn't work out what was going on in pic 3)


----------



## Myfordman

Is it just me who thinks Kwasi Kwateng is apparently the Chancellor but not really?

Apologies in advance to Stuart - you just need to think about it for a while lol


----------



## Cordy

@ stuart little 

.... Lyndon Dykes, a footballer for Scotland who had just scored a couple of goals against Ukrain


----------



## niall Y

There is a joke circulating that -" We buried the Queen on Monday , and Kwasi Kwarteng buried the Economy on Friday"


----------



## stuart little

Cordy said:


> @ stuart little
> 
> .... Lyndon Dykes, a footballer for Scotland who had just scored a couple of goals against Ukrain


Thanks for that bit of 'useless' (to me) info.


----------



## Thingybob

stuart little said:


> As the blind man on the galloping horse said; "I see it all now". (Couldn't work out what was going on in pic 3)


Think hes saying "oh bucket"


----------



## Thingybob

niall Y said:


> There is a joke circulating that -" We buried the Queen on Monday , and Kwasi Kwarteng buried the Economy on Friday"


JOKE ?


----------



## Thingybob

Myfordman said:


> Is it just me who thinks Kwasi Kwateng is apparently the Chancellor but not really?
> 
> Apologies in advance to Stuart - you just need to think about it for a while lol


Sounds like something Tweety Pie would say


----------



## Thingybob

Linus said:


> Well, I tried


Sorry Linus your right its just we get draged into the crowd and pulled along 
Message to self "I must not comment on joke thread "


----------



## Amateur

dzj said:


> The author of the meme is implying that it is as hard to unstick stacked buckets
> as it is to draw Excalibur from the stone or to lift Thor's hammer.


Ohhhhhhh 
Even I understand now
I didn't have a "glue" what it was about either

Lol


----------



## Cozzer

dzj said:


> The author of the meme is implying that it is as hard to unstick stacked buckets
> as it is to draw Excalibur from the stone or to lift Thor's hammer.


Funnily enough, I tried to buy one of those rubber garden waste bins at a local garden centre this very afteroon, and left without one for that very reason!


----------



## Alex H




----------



## JimJay

Myfordman said:


> Is it just me who thinks Kwasi Kwateng is apparently the Chancellor but not really?
> 
> Apologies in advance to Stuart - you just need to think about it for a while lol


"A while"?


----------



## John Brown

Quasi/Kwasi.


----------



## dzj




----------



## stuart little

dzj said:


> View attachment 144161


----------



## stuart little

Cordy said:


> @ stuart little
> 
> .... Lyndon Dykes, a footballer for Scotland who had just scored a couple of goals against Ukrain


Thought it was something derogatory pertaining to certain females!


----------



## Thingybob

stuart little said:


>


Just follow the blue lines no do i insist


----------



## Daniel2

stuart little said:


>



It's a rather incestuous family tree.


----------



## stuart little

Daniel2 said:


> It's a rather incestuous family tree.


That one was hard work!


----------



## Jameshow

stuart little said:


>


Incestuous!!


----------



## Amateur




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Recky33




----------



## JimJay

John Brown said:


> Quasi/Kwasi.


Really? Who'd have guessed it....  

It appears that my irony was a little too veiled - I was suggesting that "a while" was hardly necessary for such an obvious "pun".


----------



## JimJay

Daniel2 said:


> It's a rather incestuous family tree.


It's just the Adam's Family....


----------



## John Brown

JimJay said:


> Really? Who'd have guessed it....
> 
> It appears that my irony was a little too veiled - I was suggesting that "a while" was hardly necessary for such an obvious "pun".


OK.


----------



## Sachakins

Time for new forum Joke III ???


----------



## dzj




----------



## ElizaTea

Sachakins said:


> Time for new forum Joke III ???


Perhaps a forum just for arguments ……
“is this the 5 minute argument or the full half hour?” (Palin/Cleese)


----------



## Sachakins

ElizaTea said:


> Perhaps a forum just for arguments ……
> “is this the 5 minute argument or the full half hour?” (Palin/Cleese)


Shaping up for the full half hour


----------



## Linus

Sachakins said:


> Time for new forum Joke III ???


Perhaps password protected with entry qualifications?


----------



## Alex H




----------



## MorrisWoodman12

Linus said:


> Perhaps password protected with entry qualifications?


Entry qualifications? Wot like understanding some obscure 'joke'? Well that'll rule out me and @stuart little . No disrespect meant Stuart.
Martin


----------



## Jameshow

Alex H said:


> View attachment 144262


Dodged a bullet there then!


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Robbo3




----------



## dzj




----------



## Cantungman

MorrisWoodman12 said:


> Entry qualifications? Wot like understanding some obscure 'joke'? Well that'll rule out me and @stuart little . No disrespect meant Stuart.
> Martin


Like Free Grout! I especially enjoyed that one as I had to explain it to my pop music quiz master friend. He was knocked down a notch when he finally got it.


----------



## stuart little

MorrisWoodman12 said:


> Entry qualifications? Wot like understanding some obscure 'joke'? Well that'll rule out me and @stuart little . No disrespect meant Stuart.
> Martin


None taken, Morris. In fact much appreciated, Ha-Ha!


----------



## stuart little

Robbo3 said:


> View attachment 144327


Is that the original "Mucky Don's"?


----------



## Doug B




----------



## IZZY

Doug B said:


> View attachment 144340


I just hope that is a glove hanging out if his rear pocket!


----------



## ElizaTea

Robbo3 said:


> View attachment 144327


That must be the drive thru…..


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Jameshow

Blackswanwood said:


> View attachment 144356


About right!!!


----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## Doug B




----------



## cisamcgu




----------



## niemeyjt




----------



## The_Yellow_Ardvark

ElizaTea said:


> That must be the drive thru…..


A drive by!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Jameshow




----------



## Amateur




----------



## Alex H




----------



## Yorkieguy

A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about three minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. After listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room. 

Then, the older doctor marched down the hallway to the new doctor's room: "What in God's name is wrong with you?" he demanded. "This woman is 68 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!" 

The new doctor continued to write and without looking up, asked . . "Does she still have hiccups?"


----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## RobinBHM

Liz Truss has spoken today to Ukraine's president about the ongoing crisis.

Zelensky promised to provide all the assistance he could


----------



## Yorkieguy




----------



## John Brown

You have WiFi AND multiple toilets?
Dead posh...


----------



## Lard

Good god! Funny jokes on the joke thread and, not yet anyway, anyone asking someone to explain them.

I need to sit down…


----------



## dzj




----------



## stuart little

Alex H said:


> View attachment 144455


----------



## stuart little

Lard said:


> Good god! Funny jokes on the joke thread and, not yet anyway, anyone asking someone to explain them.
> 
> I need to sit down…


Yes!


----------



## John Brown

stuart little said:


>


If you ain't got that .....


----------



## Amateur

Lard said:


> Good god! Funny jokes on the joke thread and, not yet anyway, anyone asking someone to explain them.
> 
> I need to sit down…


No. I just don't get it.
Can you explain  lol


----------



## stuart little

John Brown said:


> If you ain't got that .....


Words of a song???


----------



## niall Y

stuart little said:


> Words of a song???


*,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,If it ain't got that swing*. The words of a Duke Ellington song i didn't get it either! Probably from an American site, where the reference would be better understood????


----------



## Thingybob

RobinBHM said:


> Liz Truss has spoken today to Ukraine's president about the ongoing crisis.
> 
> Zelensky promised to provide all the assistance he could


Liz Truss


----------



## Thingybob

Lard said:


> Good god! Funny jokes on the joke thread and, not yet anyway, anyone asking someone to explain them.
> 
> I need to sit down…


Dont speak too soon


----------



## Jameshow

Thingybob said:


> Liz Truss


Was the UK's shortest prime minister!!


----------



## Thingybob

I thought Kwasi Kwarteng was the winning name for rhe Arctic explorer ship


----------



## J-G

Amateur said:


> No. I just don't get it.
> Can you explain  lol


Do Wah do wah, do wah do wah, do wah do wah, do wah do wah!


----------



## stuart little

Thingybob said:


> Thingybob said:
> 
> 
> 
> I thought Kwasi Kwarteng was the winning name for rhe Arctic explorer ship
> 
> 
> 
> --and there was me thinking it was a form of combat!
> I thought Kwasi Kwarteng was the winning name for rhe Arctic explorer ship
Click to expand...


----------



## stuart little

niall Y said:


> *,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,If it ain't got that swing*. The words of a Duke Ellington song i didn't get it either! Probably from an American site, where the reference would be better understood????


Yeah, it triggered something that was trying to go round in my head!


----------



## JimJay

"Kwasi Kwarteng" is actually a form of Zen; in the West we're more familiar with it under a different name: "the blind leading the blind".

How is it possible for the current crop of clowns to almost make me feel nostalgic for that buffoon BoZo?


----------



## J-G

niall Y said:


> *,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,If it ain't got that swing*. The words of a Duke Ellington song i didn't get it either! Probably from an American site, where the reference would be better understood????


Surely not a geographic location issue? If you are 'into' music - even marginally - you would be well aware of Ellington and specifically that iconic 1931 composition which has been 'covered' many times.


----------



## RobinBHM

JimJay said:


> How is it possible for the current crop of clowns to almost make me feel nostalgic for that buffoon BoZo?


the word "almost" is doing some heavy lifting there......


----------



## RobinBHM




----------



## niall Y

J-G said:


> Surely not a geographic location issue? If you are 'into' music - even marginally - you would be well aware of Ellington and specifically that iconic 1931 composition which has been 'covered' many times.


Or to quote a friend of mine "People that know that sort of _fing_, know that sort of _fing"_


----------



## Thingybob

Monty Python s election sketch dont seam so far fetched now ( Mr Fetang Fetang Olay Biscuit Barrel of the Slightly Raving Looney Party )


----------



## Thingybob

New series starts next week "Im a tory mp get me out of here " Filmed on a remote back bench in Westminster


----------



## Doug B




----------



## dzj




----------



## Alex H




----------



## Alex H




----------



## Doug B




----------



## stuart little

Doug B said:


> View attachment 144522


I wonder how many saw the war out?


----------



## IZZY

John Brown said:


> You have WiFi AND multiple toilets?
> Dead posh...


That's not posh that's Multitasking at it's best.


----------



## IZZY

stuart little said:


> I wonder how many saw the war out?


One thing for sure not many turn up for their annual reunion parties.


----------



## JimJay

Alex H said:


> View attachment 144521


All it means is that it's suitable for vegans and contains no dairy products, the "milk" etc coming from nuts. So the label simply describes exactly what's inside.....pretty hilarious, eh?


----------



## Yorkieguy

*Subject:* THE BATHTUB TEST!


> *THE BATHTUB TEST *
> During a visit to my doctor I asked him:
> “How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old peoples’ home?”
> “Well”, he said, “We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person and ask them to empty the bath”
> “Oh, I understand,” I said, “A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”
> “No”, he said, a normal person would pull out the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Yorkieguy

> Some serious thoughts for a change.





> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> Click to expand...
Click to expand...


----------



## Yorkieguy




----------



## Yorkieguy




----------



## John Brown

I understand that many people believe that Churchill was a great wartime leader, but not so hot as a peacetime PM. 
My step grandfather worked closely with him, and he(WS) apparently referred to his "long premeditated Impromptus".


----------



## John Brown

John Brown said:


> I understand that many people believe that Churchill was a great wartime leader, but not so hot as a peacetime PM.
> My step grandfather worked closely with him, and he(WS) apparently referred to his "long premeditated Impromptus".


Interesting...









AZ Quotes: A Cornucopia of Things Churchill Never Said


In a truly stellar performance, AZ Quotes manages to fit more fake Churchill quotations in one website than anywhere else on the Internet. Pass the hemlock!




richardlangworth.com


----------



## mikej460

IZZY said:


> That's not posh that's Multitasking at it's best.


Do others, like me, take their phone into the loo now instead of the newspaper? The only advantage of taking a newspaper in with you is that you can't wipe your bum with a phone...


----------



## Phil Pascoe

I tried, but the lead is too short.


----------



## bushwhaker

*It is not a joke




*


----------



## Phil Pascoe




----------



## Keith Cocker

Nasty piece of work Churchill.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Cordy

Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Vivaldi.​VanDamme: I’ll be Mozart.

Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.


----------



## Yorkieguy




----------



## Yorkieguy

Could the 'gender fluid' Eddie Izzard be the next 'female' Labour Prime Minister? (Admittedly he'd need a handbag and necklace.).


----------



## Yorkieguy




----------



## Fidget




----------



## Fidget




----------



## Robbo3




----------



## dzj




----------



## Stan

Why have elephants got Big Ears?




Because Noddy won't pay the ransom.


----------



## TRITON

Cordy said:


> Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Vivaldi.​VanDamme: I’ll be Mozart.
> 
> Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.



..........Awaits Stuart


----------



## Thingybob

TRITON said:


> ..........Awaits Stuart


I have shared with the family the jokes page and we now have all adopted what is now known as the Stuart Little Shrug its even got to the pub


----------



## Jameshow

TRITON said:


> ..........Awaits Stuart


I get it!!!!


----------



## Doug B




----------



## dzj




----------



## Ozi

Doug B said:


> View attachment 144727


  my favorite emoji combination - over used


----------



## Ozi

I still bless the ground those who made spell checkers walk on


----------



## Morag Jones

From our parish magazine…


----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## Tom K

Ozi said:


> View attachment 144732
> 
> 
> I still bless the ground those who made spell checkers walk on


Can’t read it without doing a Pam Ayres impersonation though


----------



## Tom K

TRITON said:


> ..........Awaits Stuart


He is wondering what’s funny about Schubert!


----------



## bushwhaker




----------



## stuart little

TRITON said:


> ..........Awaits Stuart


You asked - so here we go -


----------



## TRITON

stuart little said:


> You asked - so here we go -


It's ok Stu, I didnt get it either. But to save face i used you knowing there would be an in depth explanation


----------



## niall Y

*" I'll be Bach"*.......... just guessing????


----------



## dzj




----------



## dzj




----------



## stuart little

TRITON said:


> It's ok Stu, I didnt get it either. But to save face i used you knowing there would be an in depth explanation


It looks like I've got a 'Fan Club' !!!!! So I'll keep # "My Moji Working"#


----------



## JimJay

bushwhaker said:


> View attachment 144755


No shout for whoever it was who changed the original labelling from "Buttermilk" to "Nutt"?


----------



## Fidget




----------



## JimJay

Fidget said:


> View attachment 144796


Before and After - but which is which?


----------



## Amateur




----------



## Amateur




----------



## dzj




----------



## Garden Shed Projects

dzj said:


> View attachment 144809


It can't be a ford starter motor. I used to run Cortina's and Capri's and regularly had to persuade the starter with a lump hammer.


----------



## dzj

Garden Shed Projects said:


> It can't be a ford starter motor. I used to run Cortina's and Capri's and regularly had to persuade the starter with a lump hammer.


My tool of choice was a wheel nut wrench.


----------



## Ozi

bushwhaker said:


> View attachment 144755


This should be dedicated to the chap who nearly got away with calling their second car the Daewoo number two.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Fidget

JimJay said:


> Before and After - but which is which?


----------



## Suffolkboy

.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Thingybob

Suffolkboy said:


> .


Any minute now


----------



## Jameshow

Thingybob said:


> Any minute now


I'm going to jump in!! 

I don't get it!!!


----------



## Thingybob

"Clamp yer hams"


----------



## Robbo3




----------



## Ozi

Robbo3 said:


> View attachment 144835


Brings to mind a song "And all that I knew was the hole in my ...........had been letting in water" you know when you can't quite remember the words


----------



## Jester129

Sock?


----------



## Yorkieguy




----------



## stuart little

Thingybob said:


> Any minute now


AHA! Gotcha - I knew that one


----------



## Cordy

Liz Truss has spoken today to Ukraine's president about the ongoing crisis

Zelensky promised to provide all the assistance he could


----------



## stuart little

Vincent van Gogh was having a drink in his local cafe in Arles, when a friend walked in: "Would you like a drink ,Vincent?"

"Not now, thanks I've got one 'ere"!


----------



## Fidget

stuart little said:


> Vincent van Gogh was having a drink in his local cafe in Arles, when a friend walked in: "Would you like a drink ,Vincent?"
> 
> "Not now, thanks I've got one 'ere"!


----------



## Thingybob

Ozi said:


> Brings to mind a song "And all that I knew was the hole in my ...........had been letting in water" you know when you can't quite remember the words


Flue ?


----------



## Ozi

Thingybob said:


> Flue ?


You have it preciously Sir


----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Yorkieguy




----------



## Amateur

My insurance company does not show tel number or e mail for contacting them on the internet.
Instead they have "Rodney" a question and answer robot.
It works quite well.
I put in,
"When is my insurance due?"
Rodney answered
"I'm afraid we don't supply cover in Israel"
Is this the future?


----------



## Suffolkboy

.


----------



## Thingybob

The judge is just about to pass sentence on the villian when the doors fly open and a man wearing wooly hat,gloves ,scarf,furcoat and a pair of mukluks and procedes to molest the females in court then runs out . The judge asks the court official what the hell was that " Nothing m' laud just a muffeled titter running around the court "


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Suffolkboy

Blackswanwood said:


> View attachment 144880


I just saw that on another forum and was about to post it here...


----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## Robbo3




----------



## stuart little

Yorkieguy said:


> View attachment 144868


'Ey up. You've been digging deep, lad!  Haven't heard that one for at least half a century!


----------



## stuart little

ElizaTea said:


> View attachment 144881


 !!!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## selectortone

stuart little said:


> !!!!!!!!!!!!!


Why would a chef need 148 get well soon cards?


----------



## woodhutt

*Janice from the Muppets c. 1980's




Miss Crimea 2022



*

Forty years on and the girl's still turning heads!


----------



## guineafowl21

woodhutt said:


> Forty years on and the girl's still turning heads!


And stomachs!


----------



## woodhutt

guineafowl21 said:


> And stomachs!


To be fair, I didn't say which direction the heads were turning.


----------



## Suffolkboy

.


----------



## Stan

Judge to country bumpkin:

"Despite the fact that you are a fecund liar, I see no option but to let you go. Case dismissed."

Bumpkin:

"Thank'ee sirr. You're a fecund good judge".


----------



## Alex H




----------



## Jester129




----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## Morag Jones

And FISAPI



Forgot If Someone Already Posted It


----------



## Amateur




----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## dzj




----------



## Jameshow

dzj said:


> View attachment 145017


No sweat Sherlock!


----------



## Thingybob

dzj said:


> View attachment 145017


Got to be worth a


----------



## mikej460

dzj said:


> View attachment 145017


or the gaps mark the ones shot down...


----------



## Robbo3




----------



## Alex H




----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## dzj




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## dzj




----------



## Amateur




----------



## dzj




----------



## Dibs-h

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied...

"Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.

BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"..

..I just lost it.......

"CASE DISMISSED!!"


----------



## Yorkieguy




----------



## Thingybob

dzj said:


> View attachment 145134


Sorry got to give it a Stuart


----------



## MikeK

Thingybob said:


> Sorry got to give it a Stuart


The "High Performance" cap is just a standard cap with a bit of bling.


----------



## Thingybob

MikeK said:


> The "High Performance" cap is just a standard cap with a bit of bling.


But this is the joke thread


----------



## Jameshow




----------



## stuart little

Thingybob said:


> Sorry got to give it a Stuart


Thought about it - sorry not biting today


----------



## niemeyjt

Am I missing something - why is it funny that a T4 transporter is trailering a broken-down T5 in the picture? 

After all, Land Rover owners are equally familiar with the sentiments.


----------



## Droogs

It shows the driver feels that the T5 was an evolutionary step backwards


----------



## Jameshow

Droogs said:


> It shows the driver feels that the T5 was an evolutionary step backwards


My T5.1 has been faultless. 

Spares are getting hard to get for t4 apparently!


----------



## Chrispy

Thingybob said:


> But this is the joke thread


I think the joke is the buyer!


----------



## Amateur

Can't wait for Halloween.
Some of these little kids come up with crackers.
One little lad dressed as a vampire last year.
When he shouted trick or treat on opening the door, my mrs said joke please.
To which he replied
"How can you tell when a vampire is ill?
"He cant stop coffin."

I'd better change my costume or my wife will realise its me this year.
Roll on Halloween.


----------



## Adam W.

£1880.00











Selwood Side Table


The Selwood Side Table is designed by Bill Amberg with respect and passion for his local woodland, in a dedication to the ancient Selwood Forest. The Selwood collection is designed to stand the test of time - traversing generations and becoming part of th




www.thenewcraftsmen.com


----------



## flying haggis

And you can have a chair in the same style for only £4500..............


(and why does his website have no way of turning off cookies other than seemingly allowing then then possibly changing it, but it's too ate then!)


----------



## dzj




----------



## Cordy

Russian Army engineers to President Putin
"We have good news and bad news"
Putin "The good news?"

Engineer "We can mend your bridge"
Putin "...and the bad?"

Engineer "We need your Table"


----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## Amateur

MikeK said:


> The "High Performance" cap is just a standard cap with a bit of bling.


Has this anything to do with the Dutch cap that's also high performance?


----------



## AES

Amateur said:


> Has this anything to do with the Dutch cap that's also high performance?



ORRRR perhaps the "English Chapeau" as it's commonly known by French males?


----------



## JimJay

AES said:


> ORRRR perhaps the "English Chapeau" as it's commonly known by French males?


That was MANY decades ago, in the days when "baiser" still meant "kiss" and not "f*ck" - and it was "English bonnet", not "chapeau".

Nowadays, the closet equivalent is "redingote d'Angleterre" - English frock coat.....


----------



## Amateur




----------



## IanA

Adam W. said:


> View attachment 145200
> 
> £1880.00
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Selwood Side Table
> 
> 
> The Selwood Side Table is designed by Bill Amberg with respect and passion for his local woodland, in a dedication to the ancient Selwood Forest. The Selwood collection is designed to stand the test of time - traversing generations and becoming part of th
> 
> 
> 
> 
> www.thenewcraftsmen.com


At least he says if you're not happy with your purchase then you have 14 days to return it in exchange for something else or a get your £1880.00 back!


----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## flying haggis

I just cannot see how anyone thinks that three bits of wood fixed together are worth that much


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Amateur




----------



## Doug B




----------



## dzj




----------



## Amateur

flying haggis said:


> I just cannot see how anyone thinks that three bits of wood fixed together are worth that much


Maybe its because your undercharging?
Notice he doesnt put ..***.and 99p.


----------



## Yorkieguy




----------



## treeturner123

Not the way the England Team play it!!

Phil


----------



## Cordy

I got up this morning, got dressed and fed the dogs. After that, I took them for a walk and while I was out I met my neighbour.

He was somewhat embarrassed to admit that he had heard all the grunting coming from our bedroom earlier but said it was great that a couple of our age were still having early morning sex.

I didn't have the heart to tell him that was just me putting my socks on...


----------



## JimJay

Amateur said:


> View attachment 145271


Only if he follows the Scottish "kilt tradition", otherwise all he'd see is the guy's underpants.. .


----------



## JimJay

Yorkieguy said:


> View attachment 145346


Of course, the last man in the side that's in is never out - stop trying to confuse people!


----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## Alex H




----------



## RobinBHM




----------



## Fidget

An oldy but a goody!


----------



## RobinBHM

Doug B said:


> View attachment 145325


this is the best political cartoon Ive seen in a long time


----------



## RobinBHM




----------



## JimJay

Fidget said:


> An oldy but a goody!
> 
> View attachment 145398


My wife didn't find that one very funny - I can't imagine why not, unless it's because she's a Professor of Telecommunications and Electronic Engineering at the Technical University here. Outside the English-speaking countries, which seemingly still live in the Dark Ages of gender stereotyping, women have been at least equally represented at all levels in Engineering, Technology etc for the best part of a century.


----------



## Fidget

JimJay said:


> My wife didn't find that one very funny - I can't imagine why not, unless it's because she's a Professor of Telecommunications and Electronic Engineering at the Technical University here. Outside the English-speaking countries, which seemingly still live in the Dark Ages of gender stereotyping, women have been at least equally represented at all levels in Engineering, Technology etc for the best part of a century.



If I remember correctly it originally appeared as part of an advert and was in no way meant as a trigger


----------



## nickds1

JimJay said:


> My wife didn't find that one very funny - I can't imagine why not, unless it's because she's a Professor of Telecommunications and Electronic Engineering at the Technical University here. Outside the English-speaking countries, which seemingly still live in the Dark Ages of gender stereotyping, women have been at least equally represented at all levels in Engineering, Technology etc for the best part of a century.



This was absolutely nothing to with gender stereotyping and rather more to do with the photographer not knowing what they're doing. It was one of the Shutterstock stock images used to make a point. The original story is here. FWIW, at least one of the other images involved featured a male - all three images have since been removed from Shutterstock.






Tracking uncredited reuse of a popular tweet | The Robservatory







robservatory.com





My degree is electronic engineering and physics. There were 80 people in my year - 3 were women. I'm well aware how tough it is to get proper representation.


----------



## JimJay

nickds1 said:


> This was absolutely nothing to with gender stereotyping and rather more to do with the photographer not knowing what they're doing. It was one of the Shutterstock stock images used to make a point. The original story is here. FWIW, at least one of the other images involved featured a male - all three images have since been removed from Shutterstock.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Tracking uncredited reuse of a popular tweet | The Robservatory
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> robservatory.com
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> My degree is electronic engineering and physics. There were 80 people in my year - 3 were women. I'm well aware how tough it is to get proper representation.


The original photo was doubtless innocuous but I take leave to doubt that it appeared here as a joke about anything other than gender stereotyping - all the best jokes have a sting in the tail regarding something. I certainly wasn't "triggered" - in fact I chuckle every time this resurfaces, and my wife wasn't offended but simply took it as a typical male "joke". Doubtless some of her male students might like it, particularly since the ones who graduate as Bachelors with the highest marks are almost invariably female, and her assistants, all PhDs, are evenly split along gender lines (very simple in this backward neck of the woods as only two genders exist).


----------



## Daniel2

There's no pleasing some people .


----------



## Bm101




----------



## guineafowl21

Fidget said:


> If I remember correctly it originally appeared as part of an advert and was in no way meant as a trigger


Yes, I think it could easily have been a young man holding the iron by the hot bit.

Rather sad that not one single person involved in the brochure had ever used a soldering iron.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Sgian Dubh

JimJay said:


> The original photo was doubtless innocuous but I take leave to doubt that it appeared here as a joke about anything other than gender stereotyping - all the best jokes have a sting in the tail regarding something. I certainly wasn't "triggered" - in fact I chuckle every time this resurfaces, and my wife wasn't offended but simply took it as a typical male "joke". Doubtless some of her male students might like it, particularly since the ones who graduate as Bachelors with the highest marks are almost invariably female, and her assistants, all PhDs, are evenly split along gender lines (very simple in this backward neck of the woods as only two genders exist).


Interesting. I didn't make any connection about women and some sort of inability on their part with electronics or any other form of engineering. I'd guess that's mainly because I'm under the impression that putting together circuit boards is dominated by a female workforce; perhaps I've got the wrong impression and that's not the case.

All I saw in the image was someone who's fingers would almost certainly get burnt if the soldering iron was switched on. I also assumed that whoever set up the snap knew nothing about soldering irons and the 'worker' was a model hired only to pose, and also knew nothing about soldering irons. Slainte.


----------



## Daniel2

JimJay said:


> The original photo was doubtless innocuous but I take leave to doubt that it appeared here as a joke about anything other than gender stereotyping - all the best jokes have a sting in the tail regarding something. I certainly wasn't "triggered" - in fact I chuckle every time this resurfaces, and my wife wasn't offended but simply took it as a typical male "joke". Doubtless some of her male students might like it, particularly since the ones who graduate as Bachelors with the highest marks are almost invariably female, and her assistants, all PhDs, are evenly split along gender lines (very simple in this backward neck of the woods as only two genders exist).



It's this kind of attitude which has us all creeping delicately around on eggshells, these days.
Had the model been male, all your arguments could equally have been applied, therefore
rendering your point moot. I think you are looking for something which is not there.
Really, if you cannot enjoy The Joke Thread for what it is, perhaps you would be better not
looking at it.


----------



## Cantungman

JimJay said:


> My wife didn't find that one very funny - I can't imagine why not, unless it's because she's a Professor of Telecommunications and Electronic Engineering at the Technical University here. Outside the English-speaking countries, which seemingly still live in the Dark Ages of gender stereotyping, women have been at least equally represented at all levels in Engineering, Technology etc for the best part of a century.


I still don’t get it. A woman soldering a circuit board. Harharhar! Nope, I must be dumb.


----------



## Droogs

Fidget said:


> An oldy but a goody!
> 
> View attachment 145398


I thought having the CNC lathe so close to the kitchen sink was a bit dodgy myself


----------



## AES

Cantungman said:


> I still don’t get it. A woman soldering a circuit board. Harharhar! Nope, I must be dumb.



The "PERSON" holding the soldering iron is holding a part that would be HOT if the iron was plugged in/switched on! It's the black part right at the back in the photo that should be held.

The to my mind rather extreme reactions to this (to my mind not particularly funny "joke") also remind me of the "humourous" response to anyone getting on your wick during my training - "If you don't shut up I'll ram this soldering iron up your aXse - handle first so you'll have to grab the hot end to get it out!"

All very juvenile of course, and also completely impractical too, because to insert it in the manner described the "activator" would have had to grab the hot end in the first place! An example - in addition to some of the comments on the OP - of how "silly" it is to take jokes at their apparent "face value".

IMO, a joke thread is just that - full of jokes. Of course we all have a different sense of humour to a certain extent, so what's "funny" to one person may not be "funny" to someone else. But to take almost (note the "almost" please) ANY joke seriously is giving said joke far more "value" that it has in reality.

There MAY however be SOME exceptions to any joke which is in really "bad taste".

So now let's all have half a million posts about what is/is not bad taste!

OR should we "just" go back to the original idea of a jokes thread?


----------



## dangles

Jameshow said:


> View attachment 145162


How can this be a joke if only you and
your 4 mates understand it?


----------



## Thingybob

AES said:


> The "PERSON" holding the soldering iron is holding a part that would be HOT if the iron was plugged in/switched on! It's the black part right at the back in the photo that should be held.
> 
> The to my mind rather extreme reactions to this (to my mind not particularly funny "joke") also remind me of the "humourous" response to anyone getting on your wick during my training - "If you don't shut up I'll ram this soldering iron up your aXse - handle first so you'll have to grab the hot end to get it out!"
> 
> All very juvenile of course, and also completely impractical too, because to insert it in the manner described the "activator" would have had to grab the hot end in the first place! An example - in addition to some of the comments on the OP - of how "silly" it is to take jokes at their apparent "face value".
> 
> IMO, a joke thread is just that - full of jokes. Of course we all have a different sense of humour to a certain extent, so what's "funny" to one person may not be "funny" to someone else. But to take almost (note the "almost" please) ANY joke seriously is giving said joke far more "value" that it has in reality.
> 
> There MAY however be SOME exceptions to any joke which is in really "bad taste".
> 
> So now let's all have half a million posts about what is/is not bad taste!
> 
> OR should we "just" go back to the original idea of a jokes thread?


I think sometimes there is too much read into what is sexist and you miss the point of the joke (not very funny in this case ) by that i mean the person in charge of the project/photo shoot does not know the first thing about electric soldering irons the poor girl would be in severe pain if the iron was switched on nothing to do with thier gender in any way so why bring this into the senario just post a joke ,view it laugh, dont laugh , move on . Stop trying to cause negative reactions . Its a $¥€€@₩ joke thread Theres enough negativity around lets escape it for a short time on this thread


----------



## Jameshow

dangles said:


> How can this be a joke if only you and
> your 4 mates understand it?


Well I thought it funny as would most petrol heads!!


----------



## dangles

Jameshow said:


> Well I thought it funny as would most petrol heads!!


So thats what a petrol head is.
Somebody who is interested in old diesel vans.


----------



## Amateur




----------



## Amateur

If you dont like my jokes or don't find them funny please ignore them.
If you dont understand use the icon.
This is a joke thread laugh or move on.
Im fed up of reading undertable unnecessary chat that are trying to be smart comments to win points in a none competition.


----------



## Daniel2

Maybe this thread could be renamed "The Joke Dissection And Analysis Thread". 
People (gender unspecified, nor implied), have their heads too far up their own, or their
spouses, backsides to appreciate an innocent expression of humour.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## smugdruggler

Sgian Dubh said:


> Interesting. I didn't make any connection about women and some sort of inability on their part with electronics or any other form of engineering. I'd guess that's mainly because I'm under the impression that putting together circuit boards is dominated by a female workforce; perhaps I've got the wrong impression and that's not the case.
> 
> All I saw in the image was someone who's fingers would almost certainly get burnt if the soldering iron was switched on. I also assumed that whoever set up the snap knew nothing about soldering irons and the 'worker' was a model hired only to pose, and also knew nothing about soldering irons. Slainte.


That was also my take on the photo


----------



## Cozzer

Hear about the Irish gang who kidnapped Paddy O'Brien's daughter, and then sent her back home with the ransom note?




Her mum and dad sent her back with the money....


----------



## MiTown

smugdruggler said:


> That was also my take on the photo


Me too.
Whoever set up the photo also didn’t realise that the circuit board is almost certainly upside down, i.e. The soldered connections would be on the other side, not the component side.


----------



## Keith Cocker

flying haggis said:


> View attachment 145310


You might laugh but just look at PMs south of the Border.


----------



## Ozi

Keith Cocker said:


> You might laugh but just look at PMs south of the Border.


Do we have to it's depressing - watch me get moderated for making a political point on the joke thread - still sore about that


----------



## John Brown

Fidget said:


> If I remember correctly it originally appeared as part of an advert and was in no way meant as a trigger


I've seen it several times before, and it never occurred to me that it was sexist.


----------



## John Brown

MiTown said:


> Me too.
> Whoever set up the photo also didn’t realise that the circuit board is almost certainly upside down, i.e. The soldered connections would be on the other side, not the component side.


Looks to me like there are a few surface mount components on that PCB.
Not that it matters, as the soldering iron's obviously not on. Still, with the rising cost of electricity...


----------



## smugdruggler

John Brown said:


> Looks to me like there are a few surface mount components on that PCB.
> Not that it matters, as the soldering iron's obviously not on. Still, with the rising cost of electricity...


Enough about the soldering iron already


----------



## John Brown

smugdruggler said:


> Enough about the soldering iron already


It's one of the burning issues of our times!


----------



## MorrisWoodman12

smugdruggler said:


> Enough about the soldering iron already


I agree! Anyway it's not funny. Shortly after starting my apprenticeship (almost 60 years ago) I was talking to one of the ladies in the galvonometer department. The day she joined the company she had grabbed hold of the soldering iron to see if it was warming up. Third degree burns to her hand, three weeks off sick. Nasty. Her previous experience of 'irons' was smoothing irons where you could get away with a quick 'brush' over the sole.


----------



## Alex H




----------



## Alex H




----------



## Alex H

While on the electronics subject......................................

This is a close up taken from the official photo taken at the end of my RAF electronics apprenticeship many moons ago.






May I draw your attention to the ON/OFF switch located top RHS! (I also have one from our wedding in which my wife is signing the register with a closed fountain pen)


----------



## MorrisWoodman12

And no scope probes. So even if the scope was turned on HE'd only be looking at a flat trace.  Must be a member of the flat earth society. 

Good to see the joke thread making a comeback. 
Martin.


----------



## MiTown

John Brown said:


> It's one of the burning issues of our times!


A hot topic


----------



## Lard

I've sorted it.....for those 'woke' enough to not understand this is a joke thread.


----------



## Concizat

MorrisWoodman12 said:


> I agree! Anyway it's not funny. Shortly after starting my apprenticeship (almost 60 years ago) I was talking to one of the ladies in the galvonometer department. The day she joined the company she had grabbed hold of the soldering iron to see if it was warming up. Third degree burns to her hand, three weeks off sick. Nasty. Her previous experience of 'irons' was smoothing irons where you could get away with a quick 'brush' over the sole.


Reminds me of one of my first attempts at oxy aceteline welding. My goggles had steamed up so I put the hand holding the hot welding rod up to move the goggles, severely burning my forehead. Didn't do that again!!


----------



## stuart little

Bm101 said:


> View attachment 145412


Time for one of these:-


----------



## Phil Pascoe

I must admit I wondered about that one.


----------



## Thingybob

Phil Pascoe said:


> I must admit I wondered about that one.


A reference to some one needs a soapbox to spout from


----------



## Jameshow

stuart little said:


> Time for one of these:-


Some one forget who, was off in a soap box rant!!!


----------



## Jameshow

Rats beaten again!


----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## Thingybob

Jameshow said:


> Rats beaten again!


Sorry


----------



## llangatwgnedd




----------



## Jameshow

llangatwgnedd said:


> View attachment 145479


That's a bit political!


----------



## Thingybob

llangatwgnedd said:


> View attachment 145479


Reminds me of the hall of mirrors in Blackpool used to see some strange sights in there too


----------



## DrPhill




----------



## DrPhill




----------



## Jester129




----------



## RobinBHM




----------



## dzj




----------



## gwaithcoed

Golf and Mother Superior 
A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting, and confesses; "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the Mother Superior.
"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive, that looked like it was going to sail over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway, and then fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?" asked Mother Superior.
"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth, and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.
"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed Mother superior.
"No, Mother. Oh no, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior.
"Oh no, Mother. My ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about SIX inches from the hole."
The two nuns were silent for a moment.
Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the ******* putt, didn't you?"


----------



## paulrbarnard

Concizat said:


> Reminds me of one of my first attempts at oxy aceteline welding. My goggles had steamed up so I put the hand holding the hot welding rod up to move the goggles, severely burning my forehead. Didn't do that again!!


During my apprenticeship one of the other apprentices stepped out of a welding booth with his goggles on and his crotch on fire. He had no idea why the rest of use were laughing our heads off.


----------



## Homeless Squirrel

Cucumbers are great for the Memory!..................................................................................Once it's been stuck up your Bum you never forget it!


----------



## Lorenzl

paulrbarnard said:


> During my apprenticeship one of the other apprentices stepped out of a welding booth with his goggles on and his crotch on fire. He had no idea why the rest of use were laughing our heads off.


In ours one apprentice set his arm on fire.


----------



## Dibs-h

A Russian soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt, I'll explain later.” 

The nun agreed. A moment later two military police ran up and asked: “Sister, have you seen a soldier?” The nun replied, “He went that way.” 

After the military police ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can't thank you enough, Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Ukraine.” 

The nun said, “I understand completely.” The soldier added, “I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!” 

The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would've seen a great pair of balls too. I don't want to go to Ukraine either."


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Cozzer

Watching a Glastonbury video the other day, I wondered why one of the biggest bands in the world, ABBA, had never gigged there. 
Apparently it's all down to Agnetha refusing to go after a traumatic experience there.
She'd gone -just as a visitor - in the late 70s but had unfortunately got stuck in one of those awful mobile toilets after the door had failed.
It was a case of Portaloo, couldn't get out if she wanted to...


----------



## Cozzer

Lived out in the US for a while, and started dating a would-be astronaut.
Meeting up now and then was tricky because of all her training, but although I was very keen, we finally decided to break up because she wanted her own space....


----------



## Cozzer

Being an enthusiastic member of our local cricket team, I attend their practice sessions a couple of nights a week, and usually get picked for the Saturday and Sunday matches. Nothing grand, just one village/town outfit versus another, and then off for a couple of pints.
My better half threw a bit of a wobbler about all the time I spend at the game, and started slinging my cricket bag around in her rage.
My pads were slung at my general direction - which I managed to duck - but the she found the box of spare balls, and her aim was likely a bit more accurate!
I managed to dodge the first five, before I shouted
"Another one, and it's over!"


----------



## Yorkieguy

Nothing changes!


----------



## Cozzer

My late father always used to say, "Leave em' wanting more!"
Great for his hobby in amateur dramatics. 
Not great for his proper job and probably the reason he got the sack as an anaesthetist.*




* After I typed this, the auto-correct thing on this forum tried to tell me that it was the wrong spelling!
The cheek!!


----------



## Cozzer

Chatting to a pal of mine, he moaned about the "snowflakes" amongst us who were already panicking about the winter fuel bills and not being to heat and eat.
I argued that there was reason to be fearful, what with the threat of a million people striking, and what did he think folk should do if it turns really icy cold.
He said they should simply grit their teeth....


----------



## Cozzer

My GP just told me I was suffering from paranoia.
He didn't actually say that, but I could tell it was what he was thinking.


----------



## Daniel2

Cozzer said:


> Chatting to a pal of mine, he moaned about the "snowflakes" amongst us who were already panicking about the winter fuel bills and not being to heat and eat.
> I argued that there was reason to be fearful, what with the threat of a million people striking, and what did he think folk should do if it turns really icy cold.
> He said they should simply grit their teeth....


----------



## Cozzer

Daniel2 said:


>


I'll get Stuart to explain it to you, Daniel2....


----------



## Cozzer

My new neighbour's a right show-off and braggart.
He claims he can lift 4 full trash bins with one hand!
I think that's a load of rubbish....


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Cozzer

"Ahoy, m'hearty!" cried my mate, Pirate Pete. "I'm not as cheery as normal, me old..."
I asked him what the problem was.
"Well, when I worr sailin' around the Main all those years ago, I met Billy Boy, a beauty of a parrot. Never saw a more pretty bird. 'E worr clever,an' all! 'E became moi favourite companion,'e did. Told 'im where my treasure was buried an' everythin', and taught 'im all the swear words that us pirate boys use. Aye, 'e worr my bestest pal, 'e worr... I miss 'im, t'owd lad...."
"Miss him?" I asked.
"Aye, miss 'im. Spoiled 'im rotten, I did. Fed 'im way too much though, accordin' to the ship's doc. He worr really overweight, and it became dangerous for 'im....so I 'ad to 'ave 'im put dahn, I did....."
I saw the old pirate's eyes glisten as he recounted his tale.
"Sorry to hear that", I said in a sympathetic tone.
"Aye, lad. It worr sad. Mind you, it's a weight off me shoulders..."


----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## TRITON

paulrbarnard said:


> During my apprenticeship one of the other apprentices stepped out of a welding booth with his goggles on and his crotch on fire. He had no idea why the rest of use were laughing our heads off.


Make a change from 'Anyone seen my boots ?' only to find them welded to the table by their steel toecaps


----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B




----------



## stuart little

Daniel2 said:


>


On the recommendation of Cozzer:- When it's icy we get our roads gritted - if we're lucky, that is.


----------



## stuart little

Cozzer said:


> I'll get Stuart to explain it to you, Daniel2....


Done that!


----------



## Cozzer

Homeless Squirrel said:


> Cucumbers are great for the Memory!..................................................................................Once it's been stuck up your Bum you never forget it!



Reminds me of that "One Foot In The Grave" episode when Angus Deayton gets a champagne cork wedged, when he minces and winces up the road carrying a pastel-coloured umbrella. Can't remember the plot exactly, but it convinces Victor that it's Deayton's gay twin brother....


----------



## Cozzer

stuart little said:


> Done that!


Thank you, Stuart!


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Alex H




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Amateur




----------



## Yorkieguy




----------



## Doug B




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Sachakins

flying haggis said:


> View attachment 145722


But plenty of happy-go-lucky days...


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Amateur




----------



## mikej460

flying haggis said:


> View attachment 145722


take a big sniff...then you'll see some


----------



## Robbo3




----------



## Cordy

A man buys a guard dog to protect his home.
Unfortunately, he has to get rid of it because it keeps letting everyone in. 

Turns out it was a UK Border collie.


----------



## Ttrees

*Tom Jones*: Great singer, but terrible at parking!.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## RobinBHM

I accidentally took my cats meds last night.....dont ask me meow


----------



## RobinBHM

Why isnt there a pregnant barbie doll?


----------



## RobinBHM

because Ken came in a different box


----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Flynnwood

My humour/joke of #stardate today:

Got the job at Downing Street; - counselling Larry the Cat who has lived there since 2011. 
Speaking to him via a Russian "Meowic" interpreter, it transpires he is "deeply disappointed" and "highly offended" that four Prime Ministers have decided not to live with him anymore. Cameron, May, Boris and Liz Lettuce. 

He was worried how long the fifth one will last.

I told him not to worry and that more mice will soon arrive in the Cabinet Office, for him to play with.


----------



## Thingybob

Doris Smith today revealed she would not be putting her name forward for the leadership race siting she was far too busy in her cleaning job at Tory party headquarters


----------



## Alex H




----------



## Morag Jones

Love Larry


----------



## Jameshow




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Thingybob

Isnt it funny how one statement can have two different meanings 
BORIS "I KNOW HOW TO THROW A PARTY"
LIZ "I KNOW HOW TO THROW A PARTY "


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Amateur




----------



## Doug B




----------



## TRITON

Im not sure Boris has time to lead the conservative party again.
Not with auditioning for the latest James Bond role.


----------



## Tris

Nah, he's the director, Chubby Broccoli


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Phil Pascoe




----------



## Alex H




----------



## stuart little

Well, none of em today even raised a titter - sorry to say, or is it just me?


----------



## dzj




----------



## artie




----------



## Jones

My wife asked me to pass her a lipstick but I gave her a glue stick by accident.
It was an innocent mistake but she hasn't spoken to me since.


----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Phil Pascoe




----------



## Alex H




----------



## Jaco




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Sachakins

Maybe it's time for for the people to rise up!


----------



## Jaco

Accountants​

*Take One *
What is the difference between an accountant and a computer?

The computer has a personality.



*Take Two *

What is the difference between one sperm cell and an accountant?

The sperm cell has a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

* 

Take Three *

Husband and wife accountants having a tiff.

She moans “You don’t depreciate me any more!”



*Take Four*

A lawyer and an accountant were involved in a minor fender bender. Neither was hurt, but both were pretty badly shaken up. As they wait for the police to arrive the lawyer pulls out a hip flask and passes it to the accountant who takes a big gulp to "steady his nerves". The accountant hands it back to the lawyer who caps it and puts it back in his pocket.
The accountant says _"Hey, aren't YOU going to have one too?"_
The lawyer replies ...

_"Sure, right after the cops leave."_



*Take Five*

What's the difference between a porcupine and an accountant in a BMW?

_The porcupine has the prick on the outside!_



*Take Six*

Two Auditors were walking across Hyde Park when one said, "Where did you get such a great racing bike?" 
The second Auditor replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." 
The second Auditor nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."


----------



## dzj




----------



## Thingybob

Phil Pascoe said:


>



What so soon


----------



## Doug B




----------



## stuart little

dzj said:


> View attachment 145854


----------



## Fergie 307

stuart little said:


>


Yeah me too !


----------



## dzj

Fergie 307 said:


> Yeah me too !


Post-apocalyptic robot coping strategies. A bit of a jibe at self-help philosophies.


----------



## Fidget




----------



## Linus

dzj said:


> Post-apocalyptic robot coping strategies. A bit of a jibe at self-help philosophies.


In English please!


----------



## dzj

Linus said:


> In English please!


Best I can do. Sorry.


----------



## Amateur

The wife's just informed me she's booked a slot at our local tip for ten thirty this morning.
I think she'd be better off disposing of her self at the crematorium but she wouldn't have it.


----------



## stuart little

Amateur said:


> The wife's just informed me she's booked a slot at our local tip for ten thirty this morning.
> I think she'd be better off disposing of her self at the crematorium but she wouldn't have it.


THAT's not very nice!


----------



## Yorkieguy

stuart little said:


>



They're just self-help tips on coping with life in difficult times, in cartoon strip format with fictional characters to lighten things up a bit. Not to be taken too seriously. General Immortus is a fictional character - a DC Comics 'supervillain', sometimes called "The Forever Soldier" or "The Forever General’.

To come up to speed, you might have to stop reading the Daily Mail and become a militant Guardian Reading leftie. They're into this sort of stuff:

Cartoonists on the world we live in: Tom Gauld

Hope that might help.


----------



## Amateur

stuart little said:


> THAT's not very nice!


At least you got it..lol


----------



## Alex H




----------



## Alex H




----------



## mikej460

It's ok but it's not art..


----------



## Jameshow

mikej460 said:


> It's ok but it's not art..
> View attachment 145951


I'll beat you to it Stuart!! 

????????????????


----------



## Cozzer

Garfunkel?


----------



## Flynnwood

Jameshow said:


> I'll beat you to it Stuart!!
> 
> ????????????????


Mark Knopfler.


----------



## Tris

Too much vodka and lime


----------



## selectortone

Jameshow said:


> I'll beat you to it Stuart!!
> 
> ????????????????


It's not Art (Garfunkel), it's Paul Simon.


----------



## artie

Doug B said:


> View attachment 145851


8 tracks were worse


----------



## artie




----------



## Robbo3




----------



## Suffolk Brian

dzj said:


> My tool of choice was a wheel nut wrench.


Same with Escorts.


----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## Alex H




----------



## Pineapple

Adam W. said:


> View attachment 145200
> 
> £1880.00
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Selwood Side Table
> 
> 
> The Selwood Side Table is designed by Bill Amberg with respect and passion for his local woodland, in a dedication to the ancient Selwood Forest. The Selwood collection is designed to stand the test of time - traversing generations and becoming part of th
> 
> 
> 
> 
> www.thenewcraftsmen.com


Looks as though it was designed & made by a ten-year-old in "craft-class" 
I suppose the joke is that some folk are willing to pay such a preposterous price !


----------



## Phil Pascoe

Yes, but it's a culmination of Bill's experience, expertise and exacting eye.


----------



## ElizaTea

Pineapple said:


> Looks as though it was designed & made by a ten-year-old in "craft-class"
> I suppose the joke is that some folk are willing to pay such a preposterous price !


reminds me of the ’Saw You Coming’ furniture shop from the sketch show with Harry Enfield and Paul Whitehouse.


----------



## Ozi

mikej460 said:


> It's ok but it's not art..
> View attachment 145951


It's the state of the art? Or it's art in a state? Or it's in a better state than our State!


----------



## nickds1

artie said:


> View attachment 145966



I went to the Zoo yesterday. They only had a dog.

It was a ShihTzu...


----------



## stuart little

Yorkieguy said:


> They're just self-help tips on coping with life in difficult times, in cartoon strip format with fictional characters to lighten things up a bit. Not to be taken too seriously. General Immortus is a fictional character - a DC Comics 'supervillain', sometimes called "The Forever Soldier" or "The Forever General’.
> 
> To come up to speed, you might have to stop reading the Daily Mail and become a militant Guardian Reading leftie. They're into this sort of stuff:
> 
> Cartoonists on the world we live in: Tom Gauld
> 
> Hope that might help.


That's one reason why I don't read any of them, apart from obits online.


----------



## stuart little

mikej460 said:


> It's ok but it's not art..
> View attachment 145951


What is it, then?


----------



## mikej460

stuart little said:


> What is it, then?


Because its Paul Simon not Art Garfunkel - now do you get it? It's a play on the oft used scoff of modernist paintings. If it needs explaining its a failure as a joke, my humble apologies...


----------



## stuart little

AAAHHHH - gorrit now! Ta muchly


----------



## Jameshow

stuart little said:


> AAAHHHH - gorrit now! Ta muchly


Hey stu why not give us a joke?!!!


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Doug B




----------



## kinverkid




----------



## kinverkid




----------



## Thingybob

kinverkid said:


> View attachment 145989


Over qualified all of them


----------



## Robbo3




----------



## Alex H




----------



## Jameshow

Robbo3 said:


> View attachment 145994


Improved!


----------



## stuart little

Jameshow said:


> Hey stu why not give us a joke?!!!


 this is my joke!


----------



## Jonzjob




----------



## Cordy

Three elderly ladies swim in the indoor pool. After two hours, the first one gets out and the lifeguard praises her: "Great!" She says: "Yes, I'm 70 years old and I was Irish champion in long-distance swimming" -

After three hours the second comes out and proudly says to the lifeguard: "I'm 80 years old and was European champion in long-distance swimming!"

After 4 hours, the third one gets out and says: "I'm 90 years old..." - "Yes, I know" says the lifeguard "and you were world champion in long-distance swimming!". 

She replies: "No, I was a prostitute in Portsmouth, and worked both sides of the Channel"


----------



## Doug B




----------



## mikej460

Ozi said:


> It's the state of the art? Or it's art in a state? Or it's in a better state than our State!


State what you like...


----------



## artie




----------



## Robbo3




----------



## dzj




----------



## stuart little

dzj said:


> View attachment 146044


----------



## stuart little

"How I escaped from Alcatraz" - Hugh D. Nee


I wonder  how many of these I'll get


----------



## Daniel2

stuart little said:


>



Don't worry about this one Stuart. I didn't really get it, unless it was a 
really rubbish joke. Which means I did get it, but it was rubbish.


----------



## Daniel2

Auto correct


----------



## Doug B




----------



## dzj

stuart little said:


>


I'd be surprised if there isn't an 'explain a joke to Stuart' app by now.


----------



## Cordy

Igor is waiting in line for several hours at his local Moscow bank to try to withdraw his money. He loses patience, and, furiously, ends up screaming “This was a stupid war. I’m going to go and kill Putin because he’s done all of this”

He goes to the Kremlin, fuming.

A few minutes later, he is back in line at the bank.

“Hey Igor, you came back” says another person waiting in line “what happened?”

Igor; “The line at the Kremlin is even longer than this one…”


----------



## Thingybob

stuart little said:


>


If you want to use your emoji more often then try following the thread "Into the red" But dont forget your tin hat its a war in there


----------



## Linus




----------



## Linus




----------



## Doug B




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Alex H

I look after plant pots and hanging baskets for celebrities, which means I tend to shrub holders with the rich and famous.


----------



## Fidget




----------



## Yorkieguy




----------



## Doug B




----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Thingybob

dzj said:


> View attachment 146109


Got to be worth a with  eh Stuart


----------



## Robbo3




----------



## TRITON

The queen and Diana finally cross paths in heaven.
Queen : When do I get a halo like yours?
Diana: Actually, its a steering wheel!

What is the most common owl in the UK?
The Teat owl.

I needed to phone the tinnitus helpline, but it just kept ringing


----------



## Alex H




----------



## stuart little

dzj said:


> View attachment 146109


----------



## stuart little

Thingybob said:


> Got to be worth a with  eh Stuart


You read my mind - I entered my reply before seeing yours!


----------



## Terry - Somerset




----------



## selectortone

stuart little said:


> You read my mind - I entered my reply before seeing yours!


It's a way to have a burger, get the bill, and claim it on expenses.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Thingybob

selectortone said:


> It's a way to have a burger, get the bill, and claim it on expenses.


We know but on the joke thread


----------



## Thingybob

dzj said:


> View attachment 146109


Avoidance or evasion you choose


----------



## dzj

Thingybob said:


> Avoidance or evasion you choose


----------



## TRITON

Doug B said:


> View attachment 146126



Sorry I have to call it out even though im guilty of the exact same thing.

Too many of these jokes are 2nd hand straight of the ARRSE website.
At least scroll back a few pages.


----------



## Daniel2

TRITON said:


> Sorry I have to call it out even though im guilty of the exact same thing.
> 
> Too many of these jokes are 2nd hand straight of the ARRSE website.
> At least scroll back a few pages.



Meanwhile, over at the mig welding forum, a lot of the jokes
seem to come straight from here.


----------



## Thingybob

dzj said:


>


So why would you want to change the name of food to office equipment if you arnt taxed on expences


----------



## dzj

Thingybob said:


> So why would you want to change the name of food to office equipment if you arnt taxed on expences


----------



## niemeyjt

I had a shock on my walk today. 

I was walking past the station and a lady shouted at me "before", "up", "against", "outside", "towards", "beyond".

I think I was being prepositioned.


----------



## Jameshow

Thingybob said:


> So why would you want to change the name of food to office equipment if you arnt taxed on expences


Just so you can order fast food without embarrassment! 
It's a joke!!!!


----------



## Thingybob

Jameshow said:


> Just so you can order fast food without embarrassment!
> It's a joke!!!!


Ok back of the class (still dont get it )


----------



## AES

Jameshow said:


> Just so you can order fast food without embarrassment!
> It's a joke!!!!



Are you quite sure that's a JOKE James? Clear it is (to me anyway) by IMO anyway, by no stretch of the imagination can that be called "funny" (unless you mean "funny peculiar" I s'pose).


----------



## Jameshow

Jokes are very much in the eye of the teller, not everybody sees the same things as funny!!


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Doug B

TRITON said:


> Sorry I have to call it out even though im guilty of the exact same thing.
> 
> Too many of these jokes are 2nd hand straight of the ARRSE website.
> At least scroll back a few pages.


Well I’ve never heard of the ARRSE website so I’ve no idea what you are on about as for the joke I don’t remember seeing it in the last few pages


----------



## selectortone




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Doug B




----------



## TRITON

Doug B said:


> Well I’ve never heard of the ARRSE website


It's the Army Rumour Service.





Forum list


British Military Community - UK's most popular military website




www.arrse.co.uk





Quite interesting, but best you're not of a nervous disposition or easily offended.


----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## Jester129




----------



## Amateur

I tried reviving our relationship by buying a waterbed...........
but we just drifted apart.


----------



## Morag Jones




----------



## Alex H

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told her, "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy." 
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year", said the shrink. Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears." 
"How much do you charge?"
"Eighty pounds per visit", replied the doctor.
"I'll sleep on it", I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" she asked.
"Well, eighty quid a visit, three times a week for a year, is £12,480. A barmaid cured me for £10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought myself a new Ducati." 
"Is that so? " she said with a bit of an attitude, "And how, may I ask, did a barmaid cure you?"
"She told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't anyone under there now."


----------



## stuart little

Jameshow said:


> Just so you can order fast food without embarrassment!
> It's a joke!!!!


Still gets one of these;  make that;


----------



## stuart little

Jameshow said:


> Jokes are very much in the eye of the teller, not everybody sees the same things as funny!!


Sounds like my 'jokes'


----------



## Yorkieguy

dzj said:


>


The joke only works (as a joke) if you've worked in an office environment in which you can claim expenses for small items bought in connection with your job, such as those names of items used for burgers. It's said that 'there's no such thing as a free lunch', but there is if you can buy a burger and call it a 'mini whiteboard' and put an expense claim in for it. In some outfits, such stunts are fairly widespread and considered fair game. Some would say that it's 'biting the hand that feeds you'. (It's not something I'd countenance of engage in. It might sound haughty, but the price of my hour is rather higher than the price of a burger).

I spent my career in what is now a privatised industry, hidebound with red tape. As a middle manager back in the 70s when calculators had been quite expensive, they were treated as 'capital' not 'revenue', so a 'Capital Expenditure' business case had to be submitted and would have been declined. That remained the case when prices of calculators plummeted. If I needed to buy ten calculators for office personnel, I'd get a receipt for a ton of sand (a revenue item) and submit that instead of the receipt for the calculators, which would have bounced. It kept everyone happy.

Not dishonest - just 'creative accounting' to keep the wheels of industry turning.

I can see why the 'joke' is unfunny to anyone who hasn't worked in that sort of environment.

Not everything is funny to everyone. Thousands think that Michael Mcintyre is hilarious - I think he's a self-obsessed, strutting, preening peacock, so I don't watch him.


----------



## Jameshow

What's you view of John bishop?!


----------



## Doug B




----------



## johna.clements

Jameshow said:


> Jokes are very much in the eye of the teller, not everybody sees the same things as funny!!


I would find it funny if I was handing in my expenses with that on. Putting a whiteboard down on the food column, how much confusion is that going to cause.


----------



## Thingybob

Yorkieguy said:


> The joke only works (as a joke) if you've worked in an office environment in which you can claim expenses for small items bought in connection with your job, such as those names of items used for burgers. It's said that 'there's no such thing as a free lunch', but there is if you can buy a burger and call it a 'mini whiteboard' and put an expense claim in for it. In some outfits, such stunts are fairly widespread and considered fair game. Some would say that it's 'biting the hand that feeds you'. (It's not something I'd countenance of engage in. It might sound haughty, but the price of my hour is rather higher than the price of a burger).
> 
> I spent my career in what is now a privatised industry, hidebound with red tape. As a middle manager back in the 70s when calculators had been quite expensive, they were treated as 'capital' not 'revenue', so a 'Capital Expenditure' business case had to be submitted and would have been declined. That remained the case when prices of calculators plummeted. If I needed to buy ten calculators for office personnel, I'd get a receipt for a ton of sand (a revenue item) and submit that instead of the receipt for the calculators, which would have bounced. It kept everyone happy.
> 
> Not dishonest - just 'creative accounting' to keep the wheels of industry turning.
> 
> I can see why the 'joke' is unfunny to anyone who hasn't worked in that sort of environment.
> 
> Not everything is funny to everyone. Thousands think that Michael Mcintyre is hilarious - I think he's a self-obsessed, strutting, preening peacock, so I don't watch him.


I did work in an office environment for many years as a works manager and the accountant would of wanted to see all the white boards ,head phones etc i had ammased over the year but you are right its an office type of humour that i could never understand i was more of a shopfloor joke person


----------



## Jameshow

This will teach them to come knocking!


----------



## flying haggis

So I went to the dentist.

He said 'Say Aaah.

' I said 'Why?'



He said 'My dog's died.''


----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B




----------



## MikeK

Doug B said:


> View attachment 146232



This reminds me of the David Lee Roth version:

"Money can't buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull right alongside it."


----------



## Kittyhawk

MikeK said:


> This reminds me of the David Lee Roth version:
> 
> "Money can't buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull right alongside it."


And the two happiest days in a yachtsman's life : The day he buys it and the day he sells it.


----------



## AES

Guy I used to work with, a keen yachtsman, often said that yachting was like standing fully dressed under a cold shower tearing up ten pound notes.

(That was back in the days when a tenner was worth something).


----------



## The_Yellow_Ardvark




----------



## Robbo3

Global warming effect.


----------



## Jester129




----------



## Phil Pascoe

Kittyhawk said:


> And the two happiest days in a yachtsman's life : The day he buys it and the day he sells it.


Holes in the water to throw money in.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## stuart little

Jameshow said:


> What's you view of John bishop?!


----------



## stuart little

The_Yellow_Ardvark said:


> View attachment 146246


Du-Du-du-du!


----------



## Jameshow

stuart little said:


>


The previous poster gave a particularly robust critical analysis of another comedian so I thought I would ask about John Bishop!


----------



## stuart little

Jameshow said:


> The previous poster gave a particularly robust critical analysis of another comedian so I thought I would ask about John Bishop!


That's 'cos I had no idea (like the blind caribou) who JB is.


----------



## Thingybob

stuart little said:


> That's 'cos I had no idea (like the blind caribou) who JB is.


Hes a scouse comedian


----------



## flying haggis

No, he's a Scouser....


----------



## JimJay

Yorkieguy said:


> The joke only works (as a joke) if you've worked in an office environment in which you can claim expenses for small items bought in connection with your job, such as those names of items used for burgers. It's said that 'there's no such thing as a free lunch', but there is if you can buy a burger and call it a 'mini whiteboard' and put an expense claim in for it. In some outfits, such stunts are fairly widespread and considered fair game. Some would say that it's 'biting the hand that feeds you'. (It's not something I'd countenance of engage in. It might sound haughty, but the price of my hour is rather higher than the price of a burger).
> 
> I spent my career in what is now a privatised industry, hidebound with red tape. As a middle manager back in the 70s when calculators had been quite expensive, they were treated as 'capital' not 'revenue', so a 'Capital Expenditure' business case had to be submitted and would have been declined. That remained the case when prices of calculators plummeted. If I needed to buy ten calculators for office personnel, I'd get a receipt for a ton of sand (a revenue item) and submit that instead of the receipt for the calculators, which would have bounced. It kept everyone happy.
> 
> Not dishonest - just 'creative accounting' to keep the wheels of industry turning.
> 
> I can see why the 'joke' is unfunny to anyone who hasn't worked in that sort of environment.
> 
> Not everything is funny to everyone. Thousands think that Michael Mcintyre is hilarious - I think he's a self-obsessed, strutting, preening peacock, so I don't watch him.


As an erstwhile self-employed person, I easily recognise the point of that "joke"...


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Rene Mopper




----------



## The_Yellow_Ardvark




----------



## dzj




----------



## flying haggis

A blonde gets a job as a teacher.

She notices a boy in the playing field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

'Yes.' he says.

'You can go and play with the other kids you know.' she says.

'It's best I stay here.' he says.

'Why?' says the blonde.




The boy says: 'Because I'm the ******* goalkeeper!'


----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## stuart little

Doug B said:


> View attachment 146288


They get their kids writing letters & stuffing them(the letters not the kids) in your letter box - the cheeky swine!


----------



## AES

stuart little said:


> They get their kids writing letters & stuffing them(the letters not the kids) in your letter box - the cheeky swine!



I am now guilty of drifting the Joke thread WELL off line:

My brother was (note the was) a JW, as was the lady he married, and their subsequent 3 kids. Unfortunately my brother and his wife divorced, the wife and 2 of the 3 kids remaining in the "church". Those 2 kids are FORBIDDEN to see/have any contact with their father, as per the dictates of the "church" and the ex-wife. The third kid is also, by the "church" decree, also cut off from the "church" and his mother and siblings.

The JWs are NOT a "church" and should all be lined up against a wall and - well, whatever punishment thought appropriate for deliberate "family breakers". My opinions.

I had some VERY straight words to say to a pair of 'em who came knocking on my door one day a few years back. Must have worked, had no such visits since.

OK, sorry folks, rant over, back to jokes as per thread title.


----------



## graduate_owner

That was one good thing about covid - no JW visits. 

K


----------



## PhilTilson

flying haggis said:


> View attachment 146364


Shame on you! This is Tesla's roadside assistance vehicle CHARGING UP AT THE RECHARGING STATION!


----------



## Jameshow

PhilTilson said:


> Shame on you! This is Tesla's roadside assistance vehicle CHARGING UP AT THE RECHARGING STATION!


You sure looks like a petrol/ diesel hose to me ....


----------



## flying haggis

PhilTilson said:


> Shame on you! This is Tesla's roadside assistance vehicle CHARGING UP AT THE RECHARGING STATION!


Exactly, just as other sensible drivers do. Five minutes "recharge" and "voila" a 400 mile range!!


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Phil Pascoe

PhilTilson said:


> Shame on you! This is Tesla's roadside assistance vehicle CHARGING UP AT THE RECHARGING STATION!


There doesn't appear to be an electric Transit XLT.


----------



## treeturner123

Phil Pascoe said:


> There doesn't appear to be an electric Transit XLT.


There are a number of electric vans. I was hoping to get one for our maintenance man but waiting list 36 weeks and price excessive so no go but I'm sure Mr M could afford one or two!

Phil

Phil


----------



## Doug B




----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## dzj




----------



## johna.clements

dzj said:


> View attachment 146403


But will they post in UK workshop off topic


----------



## Jameshow

dzj said:


> View attachment 146403


Update... 

90% will sit on faceache, 

75 % on wood working forums 

60% mamils on Strava! 

FIFY


----------



## Lazarus




----------



## johna.clements

How you get a builders bum!


----------



## John Brown

flying haggis said:


> View attachment 146364


I think I've seen that a thousand times.


----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B




----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Jameshow

Doug B said:


> View attachment 146502


One for Stuart?????!!


----------



## Tom K

Jameshow said:


> One for Stuart?????!!


Hard to say I don’t know if you are wong or if you are white?


----------



## Suffolkboy

Jameshow said:


> One for Stuart?????!!


If anyone doesn't get it maybe they should put on their red light?


----------



## Jameshow

Suffolkboy said:


> If anyone doesn't get it maybe they should put on their red light?


??????!


----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## mikej460

Suffolkboy said:


> If anyone doesn't get it maybe they should put on their red light?


or should that be blue light?


----------



## johna.clements

The Police maybe after them.


----------



## Suffolkboy

Jameshow said:


> ??????!



Does not getting the joke sting?


----------



## Jameshow

Suffolkboy said:


> Does not getting the joke sting?


Nope!


----------



## artie

A wealthy politician released her tax returns for the public to view, according to custom.

The politician had a neighbor who was in charge of a charity that was struggling for funds. After seeing the politician’s tax returns, he saw a golden opportunity, and immediately went over and knocked on the politician’s door.

“All right, I can see from your tax returns that you make $500,000 a year, but you’re not giving any money to charity!” he told her. “Now, I happen to run a very credible charity, and…oh look! I live right next door. Tell you what: you write me a check for $1,000 right now to help my charity, and then I promise I’ll leave you alone.”

The politician gasped, very offended. “You think I have money just sitting around to give to charity?” she said. “Were you aware that last year, my father lost his house in a fire, and everything he owned along with it?”

“Um, I didn’t,” said her neighbor.

“And did you also know that my daughter got into a horrible car accident last year, having medical bills several times her annual wages?” she went on.

“Er…no, I’m sorry…”

“And that my sister had her husband walk out on her, leaving her penniless with three children?”

Her neighbor, now very embarrassed, said, “Oh, my! I apologize. I had no idea what was going on with your family members!”

And the politician continued: “And so… if I didn’t give any money to them, why would I give any to you?”


----------



## mikej460

Jameshow said:


> Nope!


You must be so lonely...


----------



## Jameshow

mikej460 said:


> You must be so lonely...


Stuart's my friend!!!


----------



## AES

Suffolkboy said:


> If anyone doesn't get it maybe they should put on their red light?



Well, not only do I NOT get it, AFAIK, I haven't got a red light!


----------



## Thingybob

AES said:


> Well, not only do I NOT get it, AFAIK, I haven't got a red light!


Only thing left to say zenyata mondata


----------



## Phil Pascoe

AES said:


> Well, not only do I NOT get it, AFAIK, I haven't got a red light!


You might get a message in a bottle.


----------



## TRITON

Jameshow said:


> Stuart's my friend!!!


Your funny friend ?.



Phil Pascoe said:


> You might get a message in a bottle.



From the last ship ?
Be careful, those are fragile.


----------



## Suffolkboy

Jameshow said:


> Stuart's my friend!!!


Does he stand too close to you?


----------



## Noel

Every breath……


----------



## Jameshow

I don't care for all your nonsense!


----------



## nickds1

Jameshow said:


> I don't care for all your nonsense!


...you take... care...


----------



## Suffolkboy

Jameshow said:


> I don't care for all your nonsense!


On any other day you'd probably get it.


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## The_Yellow_Ardvark




----------



## Cantungman

Suffolkboy said:


> On any other day you'd probably get it.


Just a castaway, an island lost at sea, oh
Another lonely day, with no one here but me, oh
More loneliness than any man could bear
Rescue me before I fall into despair, oh

I guess it’s not as well known as Beethoven’s ninth…


----------



## The_Yellow_Ardvark




----------



## Doug B




----------



## TRITON

Dirty van art by Russian artist Nikita Golubev aka Pro Boy Nick.


----------



## dzj




----------



## mikej460

Jameshow said:


> I don't care for all your nonsense!


oh you do, do do...


----------



## Daniel2

Jameshow said:


> I don't care for all your nonsense!



Do you need "Someone To Talk To" ?


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Pedronicus

The old ones are the best!


----------



## Thingybob

I believe the Police are releasing some of their old numbers on an unsafe conviction the best being "Charge of the lockdown blues"


----------



## Suffolk Brian

Cantungman said:


> Just a castaway, an island lost at sea, oh
> Another lonely day, with no one here but me, oh
> More loneliness than any man could bear
> Rescue me before I fall into despair, oh
> 
> I guess it’s not as well known as Beethoven’s ninth…


Correct.


----------



## dzj




----------



## Alex H




----------



## Doug B




----------



## stuart little

Jameshow said:


> One for Stuart?????!!


OH No it's not, I know the song well, allways sang it to the opening of '  Roseanne' TV Show!


----------



## stuart little

dzj said:


> View attachment 146501





ElizaTea said:


> View attachment 146574


My bad knee doesn't react to weather like others say their's do , mine's usually plys up when the weather is good!?


----------



## stuart little

Phil Pascoe said:


> You might get a message in a bottle.


Or a 'massage in a brothel'!


----------



## stuart little

dzj said:


> View attachment 146628


----------



## dzj




----------



## selectortone




----------



## Robbo3




----------



## Alex H




----------



## Alex H




----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Robbo3

Guns!


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Amateur

If you lock the wife and your dog in the car boot, then come back an hour later and let them out.
Which one will be pleased to see you?


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Just4Fun

Amateur said:


> If you lock the wife and your dog in the car boot, then come back an hour later and let them out.
> Which one will be pleased to see you?


I'm always willing to help, so give me an hour and I will let you know.


----------



## flying haggis

If anyone is looking for Christmas presents I can highly recommend the Aldi Humpty Dumpty as it comes complete with Aldi King's horses and Aldi King's men.


----------



## The_Yellow_Ardvark




----------



## Noel

Ding dong.

Sad news, a legend.


----------



## Thingybob

The_Yellow_Ardvark said:


> View attachment 146790


You just sneaked in there with the 24 hour repost rule


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Reffc

My grandfather used to tell me:

" As one door closes, another one opens"

Wonderful man, terrible cabinet maker!


----------



## stuart little

Just4Fun said:


> I'm always willing to help, so give me an hour and I will let you know.


Have you tried it yet?


----------



## Phill05

stuart little said:


> Have you tried it yet?


I think he did and the Wife got to him before the dog.


----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Alex H




----------



## dzj




----------



## Robbo3




----------



## Alex H




----------



## Alex H




----------



## smugdruggler

Alex H said:


> View attachment 146954


Are we allowed to groan?


----------



## Phill05

You may Groan if you want to or even Scream if you want to but will it do any good No


----------



## Yorkieguy

*'Paraprosdokian sentences'. (See footnote):*
_
Ø I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. 

Ø Do not argue with an silly person. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. 

Ø I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. 

Ø Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. 

Ø The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list. 

Ø Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 

Ø If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong. 

Ø We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. 

Ø War does not determine who is right - only who is left. 

Ø Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. 

Ø The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 

Ø Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. 

Ø To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. 
Ø A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a workstation.

Ø How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? 

Ø Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs. 

Ø Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish. 

Ø I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks. 

Ø A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it. 
Ø Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says: "In an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". 

Ø I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. 

Ø Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? 

Ø Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. 

Ø Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ? 

Ø Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. 

Ø A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 

Ø You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. 

Ø The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas! 

Ø Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back. 

Ø A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. 

Ø Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were. 

Ø I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot. 

Ø Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go. 

Ø There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away. 

Ø When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water. 

Ø You're never too old to learn something stupid. 

Ø To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. 

Ø Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever. 

Ø A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it. 

Ø If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child? 

Ø Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. _

Footnote:

A *paraprosdokian* (from Greek "παρα-", meaning "beyond" and "προσδοκία", meaning "expectation") is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists. Some paraprosdokians not only change the meaning of an early phrase, but also play on the double meaning of a particular word, creating a syllepsis.

So now you know.


----------



## Yorkieguy




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Yorkieguy




----------



## Fidget

My girlfriend invited me to her house, but when I arrived, only her incredibly beautiful sister was there, standing just inside the screen door, naked.
She looked me up and down in a slow and sexy way, then whispered “We should make love before my sister comes back. She won’t be here for another couple of hours.”
I immediately turned and almost ran back to my car. Imagine my surprise when I found my girlfriend leaning against it. She hugged me sweetly and said “You’ve won my trust. Not many men could resist an invitation like that from my sister.”

Moral of the story:

Always keep your condoms in your vehicle.


----------



## dzj




----------



## Rene Mopper




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Jaco

A woman sends a text to her husband; "Honey, don't forget to buy loaf of bread on the way home from work,
and your girlfriend Valerie greets you."

Husband: Who is Valerie?

Wife: Nobody, I just wanted you to answer to confirm that you got my text.

Husband: But I'm with Valerie right now, I thought you saw me?

Wife: What??!, Where are you??

Husband: Near the bakery.

Wife: What?? I'm coming right now!!

After about 5 minutes, the wife sends a message.

Wife: I'm at the bakery, where are you???

Husband: I'm at work. Now that you're at the bakery, buy the bread. XX


----------



## Jaco

Jokes


----------



## Doug B




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## smugdruggler

Doug B said:


> View attachment 147089


This is far too near to the truth nowadays


----------



## DRC

Doug B said:


> View attachment 147089



That is so true of so many GP surgeries, how did they fit in so many patients before Covid? https://instagram.com/dougsworkshop/


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Robbo3




----------



## dzj




----------



## Alex H




----------



## The_Yellow_Ardvark




----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## Amateur




----------



## John Brown

flying haggis said:


> View attachment 147181


Vegetables are good for you. That's not necessarily the same as tasting good. 
I'm a happy omnivore, but it does make me laugh when people say "why do vegetarians try to make things that look like burgers or sausages?".
What part of a dead animal looks like a burger?
On the other hand, I like to fashion minced beef into the shape of Brussel sprouts.


----------



## Amateur




----------



## Doug B




----------



## The_Yellow_Ardvark




----------



## Alex H

I delivered a load of bubble wrap to a factory this morning. I asked the manager what he wanted me to do with it, he told me to pop it in the corner. I've only just finished and my fingers are killing me!


----------



## stuart little

Amateur said:


> View attachment 147239


----------



## Jameshow

stuart little said:


>


You must be blessed!


----------



## stuart little

Jameshow said:


> You must be blessed!


Yup - blessed if I know!


----------



## Jameshow

stuart little said:


> Yup - blessed if I know!


I meant blessed if you don't have relatives for whom the best medicine is a bottle of red!!


----------



## TRITON

Yorkieguy said:


> You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.


Reminds me of the steeplejack Fred Dibnah's quote. "I've never fell off of a big chimney, you'd only fall off one of them once".

Another F/D quote
(Whilst demonstrating how to ladder a chimney) "As you get a bit higher up, the holes have a tendency to get a bit deeper; I think it's called fear"


----------



## TRITON

John Brown said:


> Vegetables are good for you. That's not necessarily the same as tasting good.
> I'm a happy omnivore, but it does make me laugh when people say "why do vegetarians try to make things that look like burgers or sausages?".
> What part of a dead animal looks like a burger?
> On the other hand, I like to fashion minced beef into the shape of Brussel sprouts.


----------



## Phil Pascoe

TRITON said:


> Reminds me of the steeplejack Fred Dibnah's quote. "I've never fell off of a big chimney, you'd only fall off one of them once".


I worked (50 years ago) on a bridge 100'+ high - the steel erectors always maintained falling wasn't worth worrying about as it wouldn't hurt.


----------



## Kittyhawk

Phil Pascoe said:


> I worked (50 years ago) on a bridge 100'+ high - the steel erectors always maintained falling wasn't worth worrying about as it wouldn't hurt.


That would be correct - whizzing through the air like superman would be fun. Whacking into the ground at the end of the flight could be a bit of a bummer though..


----------



## Doug B




----------



## flying haggis

Phil Pascoe said:


> I worked (50 years ago) on a bridge 100'+ high - the steel erectors always maintained falling wasn't worth worrying about as it wouldn't hurt.


Agreed, it's not the fall that hurts it's the very sudden stop at the bottom!


----------



## GweithdyDU

Unfortunately that is true enough to be depressing lol. 


Doug B said:


> View attachment 146883


----------



## Doug B




----------



## RobinBHM

Ive just taken the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy


----------



## dzj




----------



## stuart little

Jameshow said:


> I meant blessed if you don't have relatives for whom the best medicine is a bottle of red!!


I didknow what you meant.


----------



## stuart little

dzj said:


> View attachment 147360


----------



## Lorenzl

> I worked (50 years ago) on a bridge 100'+ high - the steel erectors always maintained falling wasn't worth worrying about as it wouldn't hurt.


A guy I used to work with years ago was working on a bridge. One guy fell off and died and after that they were all told to wear hard hats


----------



## Phil Pascoe

We had to wear hard hats when the only thing likely to hit your head was gull shiiite. This was when we used to hang off the sides of the deck on a safety harness to weld, relying on a mate to pull you up afterwards.
More recently an acquaintance ran a decorating firm and he told me he'd been pulled up by health and safety because his men weren't wearing hard hats .......... they were painting skirting boards in a school.


----------



## John Brown

TRITON said:


> View attachment 147309


Good point!
On the other hand, didn't all those cave dwellers die out a while back?
Anyway, it is assumed that there was some vegetable element to their diet, but picking a blackberry, although you could be scratched by a bramble, did not have the same level of excitement as the hunting down and killing of another animal.
Interesting that cavemen had already invented OSB for lining their homes...


----------



## Robbo3

Homo Sapiens Slackass.


----------



## Kittyhawk

Phil Pascoe said:


> More recently an acquaintance ran a decorating firm and he told me he'd been pulled up by health and safety because his men weren't wearing hard hats .......... they painting skirting boards in a school.


Ain't officialdom grand.
We have a thing called Cat 1 which is an inspection of a yacht's safety equipment if you want to sail it offshore. 
I was pulled up for not having a man overboard life ring. The argument that I was a single-hander so there would be no one on board to throw it to me if I fell over the side cut no ice.


----------



## Suffolkboy

stuart little said:


>


In this photo William H Macey appears to be neglected, his skin is wrinkled suggesting he might be severely dehydrated. 

Imagine if he were a pot plant that had been neglected and was desperate for water that had somehow gained the gift of sight and sentience but not the gift of speech seeing it's owner pour water into a coffee pot and once again failing to pour water into the potplant. The potplant, were it human may resemble William's run-down look and bemused facial expression.


----------



## dzj

When a group of tourists visited a crocodile farm, the owner of the place launched a daring proposal;
-Whoever dares to jump, swim to shore and survive, I will give 1 million dollars.
Nobody dared to move, suddenly a man jumped into the water and desperately swam towards the shore while he was chased by all the crocodiles.
With great luck he arrived, taking the admiration of everyone in the place, then the owner announced;
-We have a brave winner.
After collecting their reward, the couple returned to the hotel, upon arrival, the manager told him; he was very brave to jump, then the man said;
-I didn't jump, someone pushed me!
His wife smiled ...
Moral: "Behind every successful man, there is a woman who pushes him."


----------



## bushwhaker




----------



## RobinBHM

My boss has threatened to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch, it might be me


----------



## dzj

Conjunction of planets


----------



## Kittyhawk

Kittyhawk said:


> Ain't officialdom grand.
> We have a thing called Cat 1 which is an inspection of a yacht's safety equipment if you want to sail it offshore.
> I was pulled up for not having a man overboard life ring. The argument that I was a single-hander so there would be no one on board to throw it to me if I fell over the side cut no ice.


Further to the above, should really retract.
Another silly offshore requirement from a single-handers viewpoint - 'vessel to have three buckets, steel not plastic,' the rationale presumably being that the best bilge pump in the world is a frightened man with a bucket..., but three?
Talking with a Yachting NZ Category 1 inspector, he is aware of the apparent anomalies concerning single handed sailors, but the regs are to have a compliant vessel and the number of crew is immaterial to this. 
Sorry, not a joke but it is to me a bit.


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Robbo3




----------



## stuart little

Suffolkboy said:


> In this photo William H Macey appears to be neglected, his skin is wrinkled suggesting he might be severely dehydrated.
> 
> Imagine if he were a pot plant that had been neglected and was desperate for water that had somehow gained the gift of sight and sentience but not the gift of speech seeing it's owner pour water into a coffee pot and once again failing to pour water into the potplant. The potplant, were it human may resemble William's run-down look and bemused facial expression.


I still cannot see it as a 'joke' - sorrry.


----------



## John Brown

Suffolkboy said:


> In this photo William H Macey appears to be neglected, his skin is wrinkled suggesting he might be severely dehydrated.
> 
> Imagine if he were a pot plant that had been neglected and was desperate for water that had somehow gained the gift of sight and sentience but not the gift of speech seeing it's owner pour water into a coffee pot and once again failing to pour water into the potplant. The potplant, were it human may resemble William's run-down look and bemused facial expression.


Your explanation is much funnier than the joke. Thank you.


----------



## Myfordman

I see all the footy pundits are talking about the heat in Qatar for the world cup. Surely this will be less of an issue once all the fans get into the stadiums.


----------



## nickds1

Having lived in that part of the Middle East for some years, I can confirm that at this time of year, the weather is really nice - normally high 20s to low 30s and the evenings and mornings are cooler. You have the sea close by, so humidity is normally good too.


----------



## The_Yellow_Ardvark




----------



## Robbo3

How trees are made


----------



## Alex H




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Linus




----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B




----------



## bushwhaker

After learning that Russian missiles had fallen in Poland, Macron signed the capitulation of France just in case, but in the morning he saw that everything was quiet and quickly burned the document.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Robbo3




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Alex H




----------



## Amateur

flying haggis said:


> View attachment 147420



Reminds me of when we had huge influxes of migrants during the 1960s.
A nurse once told me that after seeing a doctor for stomach problems at her clinic, the man was asked to send in a sample mid stream.
A couple of days later a box arrived addressed to the doctor.
On opening the box it was found to contain a good 6 inches of faeces with both ends cut off with an enclosed note.
"Mid stream sample as requested"
I think thats when interpreters were introduced to the NHS.


----------



## Amateur




----------



## Amateur

We all have our hang ups. This is a post from the Hand Tool Forum.
Personally I think it should be moved to the "New relationship forum"?


----------



## dzj




----------



## nickds1

dzj said:


> View attachment 147647


----------



## dzj

nickds1 said:


> View attachment 147648


French kids?


----------



## smugdruggler

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.

The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the Labrador replies.

After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."

The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I was sold to the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years".

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals".

"Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid," the owner says.
"£10!!? But your dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"



Scroll Down






"Because he's a lying devil, he's never been out of the garden."


----------



## Yorkieguy




----------



## Yorkieguy




----------



## The_Yellow_Ardvark




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Robbo3

Drinking problem!


----------



## dzj




----------



## stuart little

dzj said:


> View attachment 147593


----------



## Tom K

stuart little said:


>


Does Mrs Little have a t shirt that reads I’m with stupid with a little arrow on?


----------



## stuart little

Tom K said:


> Does Mrs Little have a t shirt that reads I’m with stupid with a little arrow on?


Sorry to say there is no Mrs. Little.


----------



## The_Yellow_Ardvark




----------



## flying haggis

puts it into perspective.......


----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## Alex H




----------



## Alex H




----------



## Linus

The_Yellow_Ardvark said:


> View attachment 147694


----------



## AES

Linus said:


>




Yup. "me three"! (I'm thinking of joining the Stuart Little fan club).


----------



## ElizaTea

AES said:


> Yup. "me three"! (I'm thinking of joining the Stuart Little fan club).


I googled Easter Island Heads and what stone they are carved from, thinking it may be soap stone. The pink block looks like a bar of soap to me. Sadly, I couldn’t find an answer as they’re carved from rough hardened volcanic ash.


----------



## flying haggis

Took me a while as well but I assume it refers to a collectable sweet container type. (pez?)


----------



## nickds1

AES said:


> Yup. "me three"! (I'm thinking of joining the Stuart Little fan club).


Think: PEZ Dispenser

Really, not everybody "gets" all types of humor. Having to explain stuff takes away from the the joke (that you may or may not "get").

The endless puzzled emojis are quite tedious (IMHO). It's akin to the complaints about going a bit off topic a while ago - there were more complaints than off-topic posts. If you don't get a joke, then do some research. Dont whine about it in the Joke thread, then also whine about there being too much "noise" and not enough jokes (even if you don't get them).


----------



## Thingybob

AES said:


> Yup. "me three"! (I'm thinking of joining the Stuart Little fan club).


PEZ did you never have sweets


----------



## Jameshow

AES said:


> Yup. "me three"! (I'm thinking of joining the Stuart Little fan club).


Me too!


----------



## Jameshow

nickds1 said:


> Think: PEZ Dispenser
> 
> Really, not everybody "gets" all types of humor. Having to explain stuff takes away from the the joke (that you may or may not "get").
> 
> The endless puzzled emojis are quite tedious (IMHO). It'd akin to the complaints about going a bit off topic a while ago - there were more complaints than off-topic posts. If you don't get a joke, then do some research. Dont whine about it in the Joke thread, then also whine about there being too much "noise" and not enough jokes (even if you don't get them).


I think we all enjoy Stuart's ??? 

It adds to the thread! 

But generally if I don't get it I just move on!


----------



## AES

nickds1 said:


> Think: PEZ Dispenser
> 
> Really, not everybody "gets" all types of humor. Having to explain stuff takes away from the the joke (that you may or may not "get").
> 
> The endless puzzled emojis are quite tedious (IMHO). It'd akin to the complaints about going a bit off topic a while ago - there were more complaints than off-topic posts. If you don't get a joke, then do some research. Dont whine about it in the Joke thread, then also whine about there being too much "noise" and not enough jokes (even if you don't get them).



NO "whining" from me mate. I just said "I don't get it". While I agree that not all of us see the same things as funny, IMO, if you have to puzzle out (or look up) a "joke", it ain't all that much of a joke at all.


----------



## Phill05

nickds1 said:


> Think: PEZ Dispenser
> 
> Really, not everybody "gets" all types of humor. Having to explain stuff takes away from the the joke (that you may or may not "get").
> 
> The endless puzzled emojis are quite tedious (IMHO). It'd akin to the complaints about going a bit off topic a while ago - there were more complaints than off-topic posts. If you don't get a joke, then do some research. Dont whine about it in the Joke thread, then also whine about there being too much "noise" and not enough jokes (even if you don't get them).


I guess this means "Do as I say not as I do" everybody have a good laugh ho ho ho.


----------



## ElizaTea

nickds1 said:


> Think: PEZ Dispenser
> 
> Really, not everybody "gets" all types of humor. Having to explain stuff takes away from the the joke (that you may or may not "get").
> 
> The endless puzzled emojis are quite tedious (IMHO). It'd akin to the complaints about going a bit off topic a while ago - there were more complaints than off-topic posts. If you don't get a joke, then do some research. Dont whine about it in the Joke thread, then also whine about there being too much "noise" and not enough jokes (even if you don't get them).


I did my research, still none the wiser. Thank you for the explanation. Googled again for PEZ and now I know. Every day is a school day


----------



## AES

nickds1 wrote, QUOTE: The endless puzzled emojis are quite tedious (IMHO). UNQUOTE:

Maybe nick. But IMHO, NOT quite as tedious as the "endless" cartoon-type/visual jokes that are definitely NOT funny at all - again IMHO!

AND we've had a LOT of such these days, for which no doubt your "endless and tedious" emojis are mainly responsible?


----------



## Vann

Phill05 said:


> ....ho ho ho.


What? Christmas already!!!

Cheers, Vann (purveyor of bad and dad jokes)


----------



## Phill05

Vann said:


> What? Christmas already!!!
> 
> Cheers, Vann (purveyor of bad and dad jokes)


You would think so if you could see my belly, all i want for Christmas is a little deer but all i get is "O dear"


----------



## The_Yellow_Ardvark




----------



## Phil Pascoe

Invader proof moat? Shome mishtake, shurely?


----------



## LambCrafter

ElizaTea said:


> I googled Easter Island Heads and what stone they are carved from, thinking it may be soap stone. The pink block looks like a bar of soap to me. Sadly, I couldn’t find an answer as they’re carved from rough hardened volcanic ash.


Pez 








Pez - Wikipedia







en.m.wikipedia.org


----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## paulrbarnard

AES said:


> Yup. "me three"! (I'm thinking of joining the Stuart Little fan club).


PEZ


----------



## John Brown

Phil Pascoe said:


> Invader proof moat? Shome mishtake, shurely?


Joke thread...


----------



## Phil Pascoe

Yes, I thought it was a joke.


----------



## Thingybob

ElizaTea said:


> I did my research, still none the wiser. Thank you for the explanation. Googled again for PEZ and now I know. Every day is a school day


Your never too old to learn I only remember them because the kids loved buying them in Yugoslavia back in the 80s , Then they were sold over here later on


----------



## RobinBHM

Lance is an uncommon name nowadays. 
But in mediaeval times people were called lance a lot


----------



## selectortone

Roald Dahl's parents couldn't spell Ronald.


----------



## Robbo3




----------



## Jaydee

ElizaTea said:


> I googled Easter Island Heads and what stone they are carved from, thinking it may be soap stone. The pink block looks like a bar of soap to me. Sadly, I couldn’t find an answer as they’re carved from rough hardened volcanic ash.


I think it’s a spoof on a PEZ dispenser


----------



## stuart little

ElizaTea said:


> I googled Easter Island Heads and what stone they are carved from, thinking it may be soap stone. The pink block looks like a bar of soap to me. Sadly, I couldn’t find an answer as they’re carved from rough hardened volcanic ash.


I thought that at first, then it looks more like a life raft!  +


----------



## stuart little

Jameshow said:


> I think we all enjoy Stuart's ???
> 
> It adds to the thread!
> 
> But generally if I don't get it I just move on!


That;s the idea!


----------



## The_Yellow_Ardvark




----------



## Skydivermel

World Cup??????


----------



## selectortone




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Robbo3




----------



## TRITON

Easter Island/Pez

The explanation is nobody knows the significance of the Easter Island statues
Pez. Sweet dispenser thats basically just a novelty head on a little magazine of pez sweets.

The Tourists,academics etc wonder the significance of the Easter Island Heads, and the Islander(represented by his clothing) shows us its a giant pez dispenser.

I take it many of you don't watch the TV quiz program 'Catchphrase'.


----------



## dzj




----------



## Southdownswolf

Skydivermel said:


> World Cup??????
> View attachment 147823



World cup?
Looks more like the Olympic rings to me and it was in 2010.


----------



## dzj




----------



## Alex H




----------



## stuart little

TRITON said:


> Easter Island/Pez
> 
> The explanation is nobody knows the significance of the Easter Island statues
> Pez. Sweet dispenser thats basically just a novelty head on a little magazine of pez sweets.
> 
> The Tourists,academics etc wonder the significance of the Easter Island Heads, and the Islander(represented by his clothing) shows us its a giant pez dispenser.
> 
> I take it many of you don't watch the TV quiz program 'Catchphrase'.


You be correct there - 'Catchphrase' ?


----------



## Jameshow

stuart little said:


> You be correct there - 'Catchphrase' ?


TV quiz show, what ever you do don't watch it, you'll never be the same again!!


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Thingybob

Jameshow said:


> TV quiz show, what ever you do don't watch it, you'll never be the same again!!


He's not the same now


----------



## Thingybob

If you want to boost a products sales just post it on Joke Thread II get Stuart to  it and you get pages and pages of free advertising  A very big thank you from PEZ


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Cordy

BREAKING NEWS

Rain expected in Qatar tomorrow, FIFA has postponed all matches in case there is a rainbow.


----------



## dzj




----------



## The_Yellow_Ardvark




----------



## Doug B

use


----------



## Tris

Is taking the Christmas decorations down a tinsellectomy?


----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## Cozzer

Talking of the World Cup, have you noticed how most of the "foreign" ex-players who add their match analysis have a better command of English than the majority of our home-grown boys?


----------



## ElizaTea

Mission accomplished…..


----------



## dzj




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## dzj




----------



## TRITON

Hey Stu, we've got another one for you 

Awaits explanation, im clueless too


----------



## stuart little

Thingybob said:


> He's not the same now


----------



## stuart little

flying haggis said:


> View attachment 148112



 HEE! HEE!


----------



## stuart little

TRITON said:


> Hey Stu, we've got another one for you
> 
> Awaits explanation, im clueless too


----------



## The_Yellow_Ardvark




----------



## Noel

TRITON said:


> Hey Stu, we've got another one for you
> 
> Awaits explanation, im clueless too


Free bird.


----------



## dzj

Noel said:


> Free bird.


That's Lynyrd Skynyrd.
The kid's dad was infatuated with the Allman Bros Band. (Duane, Greg, Dickey Betts...)
(Midnight Rider, Jessica, Whipping Post...)
Can't blame him really, I used to like Southern Rock as a teenager.


----------



## Tris

Noel said:


> Free bird.


Lynyrd skynyrd surely? Allman brothers did Jessica (top gear theme) amongst others


----------



## Daniel2

flying haggis said:


> View attachment 148112


----------



## Noel

dzj said:


> That's Lynyrd Skynyrd.
> The kid's dad was infatuated with the Allman Bros Band. (Duane, Greg, Dickey Betts...)
> (Midnight Rider, Jessica, Whipping Post...)
> Can't blame him really, I used to like Southern Rock as a teenager.





Tris said:


> Lynyrd skynyrd surely? Allman brothers did Jessica (top gear theme) amongst others




It was a wee clue. 
Ronnie Van Zant dedicated live performances of Free Bird to Duane Allman and also to Berry Oakley after his later death.


----------



## Sachakins

Another round of Q & A on jokes I see, we need a joke FAQ OR Joke Q & A forum


----------



## johna.clements

Sachakins said:


> Another round of Q & A on jokes I see, we need a joke FAQ OR Joke Q & A forum


What sort of questions would be in these Q&As and what FAQs do you envisage.


----------



## TRITON

Noel said:


> Free bird.


Yeah but where's the joke part ?. From the past because he died in an accident whilst still young.

I hardly think that's very funny.


----------



## Noel

Sachakins said:


> Another round of Q & A on jokes I see, we need a joke FAQ OR Joke Q & A forum



Quickly, explain it to Stuart and Triton and we'll get back to normal transmission.
: )


----------



## Noel

johna.clements said:


> What sort of questions would be in these Q&As and what FAQs do you envisage.



I was thinking of a spreadsheet type of presentation, perhaps running to 30 or so work sheets......That way it would only take an hour or so to work out a joke.....




Maybe not.


----------



## johna.clements

Noel said:


> I was thinking of a spreadsheet type of presentation, perhaps running to 30 or so work sheets......That way it would only take an hour or so to work out a joke.....
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Maybe not.


Would it be in excel or would you use another program.


----------



## Noel

johna.clements said:


> Would it be in excel or would you use another program.



Dunno, perhaps we should discuss it in detail. 
Lotus was a good application.


----------



## Robbo3




----------



## Jameshow

Apple have announced that though sales are down, their turnover is still very good....


----------



## MorrisWoodman12

Sachakins said:


> Another round of Q & A on jokes I see, we need a joke FAQ OR Joke Q & A forum


Don't be funny.


----------



## stuart little

dzj said:


> View attachment 148118


----------



## Alex H




----------



## Alex H




----------



## Thingybob

Daniel2 said:


>


Don't go there "sexist"


----------



## Thingybob

Noel said:


> Dunno, perhaps we should discuss it in detail.
> Lotus was a good application.


Carp car though


----------



## Thingybob

MorrisWoodman12 said:


> Don't be funny.


OK so that a forum where we can explain jokes . It will be off topic by request only where we can turn FAQ on or FAQ off Moderator Stuart Little and jokes that need no explanation will not be allowed , sounds good to me


----------



## Phil Pascoe

Thingybob said:


> Carp car though


Lots Of Trouble Usually Serious.


----------



## Jameshow

Phil Pascoe said:


> Lots Of Trouble Usually Serious.


That's no joke! 

Like a ford - fix or repair daily. 

Fiat - failure in automotive technology. 

Anyone got one for landys?


----------



## The_Yellow_Ardvark

Snuff said.........


----------



## Doug B




----------



## John Brown

Noel said:


> Dunno, perhaps we should discuss it in detail.
> Lotus was a good application.


VisiCalc, all the way!


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Alex H




----------



## stuart little

Phil Pascoe said:


> Lots Of Trouble Usually Serious.


Carppy GRP lamination or ?delamination?. Whilst preparing an Elite for re-paint, daylight could be seen through parts of body shell!


----------



## bushwhaker




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Thingybob

Alex H said:


> View attachment 148210


But broke down in a remote area and only a few spanners to hand


----------



## Thingybob

Doug B said:


> View attachment 148175


So UEFA realy stands for Unwanted Equality in Football Authority


----------



## Sachakins

Jameshow said:


> That's no joke!
> 
> Like a ford - fix or repair daily.
> 
> Fiat - failure in automotive technology.
> 
> Anyone got one for landys?


Had a Fiat coupe once. Known to me then as
Fixed It Again Today, and Fix It Again Tomorrow


----------



## paulrbarnard

Alex H said:


> View attachment 148210


But even a mechanic would know that was set up for the picture by someone who has never done it.


----------



## Kittyhawk

stuart little said:


> Carppy GRP lamination or ?delamination?. Whilst preparing an Elite for re-paint, daylight could be seen through parts of body shell!


Not neccessarily.
Had the bottom of a boat peeled back to bare fibreglass in preparation for the application of an epoxy barrier coat. The laminate was 15mm thick, sound and the light flooded through it.


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## MorrisWoodman12

Sachakins said:


> Had a Fiat coupe once. Known to me then as
> Fixed It Again Today, and Fix It Again Tomorrow


I remember a poster for Fiat years ago. It said 'Designed by computer, made by robots'. Someone had scribbled across the bottom 'Driven by idiots'. Of course I couldn't determine the veracity of their comment.


----------



## John Brown

Strange thing, car make tribalism. My father, born in 1912, went through 50 years or so disparaging Fords(having never owned one), then bought a second hand Ford Corsair, and thought it was a fantastic car.


----------



## Keith Cocker

MorrisWoodman12 said:


> I remember a poster for Fiat years ago. It said 'Designed by computer, made by robots'. Someone had scribbled across the bottom 'Driven by idiots'. Of course I couldn't determine the veracity of their comment.


I had a Vauxhall Chevette in the early 1980’s. We called it the Shove-it.


----------



## Jameshow

My dad was born and brought up within a stone's throw of Dagenham yet never owned a ford!!


----------



## Sachakins

MorrisWoodman12 said:


> I remember a poster for Fiat years ago. It said 'Designed by computer, made by robots'. Someone had scribbled across the bottom 'Driven by idiots'. Of course I couldn't determine the veracity of their comment.


I believe the distinction is as follows.
Someone who buys 1 is stupid, it's those that go on to buy another are idiots.
I only bought one


----------



## imageel

Or closer to home Lotus - lots of trouble, usually serious


----------



## JimJay

MorrisWoodman12 said:


> I remember a poster for Fiat years ago. It said 'Designed by computer, made by robots'. Someone had scribbled across the bottom 'Driven by idiots'. Of course I couldn't determine the veracity of their comment.


You forgot the "Silenced by laser" part


----------



## Thingybob

Didn't FIAT sell off all there old model plants to emmerging motor manufacturers around the world years ago


----------



## DrPhill

John Brown said:


> Strange thing, car make tribalism. My father, born in 1912, went through 50 years or so disparaging Fords(having never owned one), then bought a second hand Ford Corsair, and thought it was a fantastic car.


Corsair was made from parts from the old ford 'Pubic'. (This is a joke thread after all, and that one does not get much of an outing these days)


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Fatherclive

Keith Cocker said:


> I had a Vauxhall Chevette in the early 1980’s. We called it the Shove-it.


I was told fist stood for fix it again tomorrow.


----------



## Fatherclive

Fatherclive said:


> I was told fiat stood for fix it again tomorrow.


----------



## Cordy

So, FIFA has named an all-woman referee team for a Man's World cup match.

That means they will be bringing up penalties that happened 2 games ago.


----------



## Geoff_S

Cordy said:


> So, FIFA has named an all-woman referee team for a Man's World cup match.
> 
> That means they will be bringing up penalties that happened 2 games ago.


I’ve just told this joke to my wife.

She accused me of being on something called UK Workshop again.

How did she know?


----------



## Ozi

Jameshow said:


> That's no joke!
> 
> Like a ford - fix or repair daily.
> 
> Fiat - failure in automotive technology.
> 
> Anyone got one for landys?





Best I can do.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## The_Yellow_Ardvark




----------



## Doug B




----------



## mikej460




----------



## dzj




----------



## Noel

dzj said:


> View attachment 148425



Is there a wind back version?


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Alex H




----------



## Alex H




----------



## Doug B




----------



## The_Yellow_Ardvark




----------



## dzj




----------



## Alex H




----------



## Alex H




----------



## Doug B




----------



## stuart little

bushwhaker said:


> View attachment 148211






Kittyhawk said:


> Not neccessarily.
> Had the bottom of a boat peeled back to bare fibreglass in preparation for the application of an epoxy barrier coat. The laminate was 15mm thick, sound and the light flooded through it.


I know but in my case it was only a couple of mm thick, in the 'boot'.


----------



## stuart little

John Brown said:


> Strange thing, car make tribalism. My father, born in 1912, went through 50 years or so disparaging Fords(having never owned one), then bought a second hand Ford Corsair, and thought it was a fantastic car.


I had the same opinion of 'Frods' (one could switch the letters around). I only ever 'owned' one, & that was only for a few weeks it took to get it up to a sellable condition to sell for a mate - good earners for the motor trade though. I was a Wolsey - BMC - MG & SAAB man.


----------



## stuart little

Sachakins said:


> I believe the distinction is as follows.
> Someone who buys 1 is stupid, it's those that go on to buy another are idiots.
> I only bought one


Best Fiat (only owned one) in my opinion was the Ducato motorhome I had for15yrs.


----------



## stuart little

Noel said:


> Is there a wind back version?


YES (oops, cat pressed 'caps lock')


----------



## Phill05

Them pesky cats they always get it wrong when you ask them to write something for you.


----------



## niemeyjt

stuart little said:


> I had the same opinion of 'Frods' (one could switch the letters around). I only ever 'owned' one, & that was only for a few weeks it took to get it up to a sellable condition to sell for a mate - good earners for the motor trade though. I was a Wolsey - BMC - MG & SAAB man.



I had you more down as a Rover man.


----------



## Yorkieguy




----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B




----------



## nickds1




----------



## Yorkieguy

Some things never change!


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Alex H




----------



## Alex H




----------



## MorrisWoodman12

Alex H said:


> View attachment 148642


What happened? It got a Stuart Little  rather than a  (never can find Stuart's emoji)


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## stuart little

MorrisWoodman12 said:


> What happened? It got a Stuart Little  rather than a  (never can find Stuart's emoji)


That's my sort of joke!


----------



## The_Yellow_Ardvark




----------



## Homeless Squirrel

When a Guy meets a Woman he looks at her heart to see if a good person!.....................................
Not our fault her Boobs are in the Way!


----------



## Homeless Squirrel

Wife crashed the car again today.................She told Police the man she crashed into was on his mobile Phone and drinking a can of Beer!
Police said he can do what he likes in his own living Room!


----------



## Alli

I saw this old, very sad looking gentleman, as he bounced off the bonnet of my car.


----------



## topchippyles




----------



## Jameshow

topchippyles said:


> View attachment 148690


I knew that feeling in HMP armley....!


----------



## stuart little

Found these today:-
A builder finds a skeleton in a cupboard with a sign around his neck; '1923 hide & seek Champion.'


The Belgian truck driver who drove to Calais, but on seeing the sign; 'Pas de Calais', turned back!


A woman walks into a pub carrying a duck & orders a couple of beers. The barman asks; "What are you doing with that pig?"
"It's a duck not a pig!"
"Pardon me, I WAS talking to the duck!"

#ths all ffolks#


----------



## Amateur

My Gran rang the police saying she'd had a chat to the bloke next door who had told her he was a local vigilante and that he was on his way to the local school to lock fifty kids in the school gym.
The police armed response team surrounded the school and then entered the gym, where they rescued fifty or so kids.
Questioning the vigilante at the station he confirmed he did have a conversation with my Gran,
Explaining that he was an invigilator holding fifty kids in the gym at the local comprehensive school during an exam.

The police thanked my gran for her vigilance to which she said, "I lost that many moons ago"


----------



## Noel

stuart little said:


> Found these today:-
> A builder finds a skeleton in a cupboard with a sign around his neck; '1923 hide & seek Champion.'
> 
> 
> The Belgian truck driver who drove to Calais, but on seeing the sign; 'Pas de Calais', turned back!
> 
> 
> A woman walks into a pub carrying a duck & orders a couple of beers. The barman asks; "What are you doing with that pig?"
> "It's a duck not a pig!"
> "Pardon me, I WAS talking to the duck!"
> 
> #ths all ffolks#


Don’t understand any of those Stuart.


----------



## AES

Noel said:


> Don’t understand any of those Stuart.



Don't worry Noel, he'll be delighted to explain them all!


----------



## stuart little

AES said:


> Don't worry Noel, he'll be delighted to explain them all!


OH NO! He won't!

Well it's that time of year.


----------



## AES

stuart little said:


> OH NO! He won't!
> 
> Well it's that time of year.



Well if it's THAT time of year altogether now "Oh YES he will"


----------



## Keefy.

MorrisWoodman12 said:


> What happened? It got a Stuart Little  rather than a  (never can find Stuart's emoji)


Stuartmusthaveacat!


----------



## stuart little

AES said:


> Well if it's THAT time of year altogether now "Oh YES he will"


OH NO! He won't!


----------



## paulrbarnard

Noel said:


> Don’t understand any of those Stuart.


Ironically the Belgian one lost me


----------



## The_Yellow_Ardvark




----------



## stuart little

paulrbarnard said:


> Ironically the Belgian one lost me


Ah - this was a French joke. I should Have said (with no disrespect) Irish trucker.


----------



## Stan

paulrbarnard said:


> Ironically the Belgian one lost me



In the pre-PC days, French people would tell "Belgian" jokes in the same way English would tell Irish jokes, (and US-Polish, and most other nations having something similar...).

The joke is a play on words in the French language. The Pas de Calais is a region in Northern France. "Pas de.." is also a way of saying no to something. Eg "pas de moutarde" would mean "no mustard" if you were ordering a sandwich.


----------



## Thingybob

stuart little said:


> Ah - this was a French joke. I should Have said (with no disrespect) Irish trucker.


So it was a Belgian truck driver who had emigrated to Irland that was asked to go to France with a delivery etc etc , So it's right if you have to explain a joke it loses something in the process  Ho Ho Ho its Christmas got me own back


----------



## Robbo3

I'm never drinking again!


----------



## dzj




----------



## Alex H




----------



## dzj




----------



## stuart little

Stan said:


> In the pre-PC days, French people would tell "Belgian" jokes in the same way English would tell Irish jokes, (and US-Polish, and most other nations having something similar...).
> 
> The joke is a play on words in the French language. The Pas de Calais is a region in Northern France. "Pas de.." is also a way of saying no to something. Eg "pas de moutarde" would mean "no mustard" if you were ordering a sandwich.


Thanks Stan for explaining it to my "Fans"


----------



## Stan

stuart little said:


> Thanks Stan for explaining it to my "Fans"


 pas de probleme
no problemo
et c.


----------



## flying haggis

I had to go back to see my doctor today.


I said, I applied the pile cream that you gave me this morning and I got a very nasty reaction.


Where exactly did you apply it? he asked.















I said, On the bus.


----------



## Cozzer

My young grandson was born in Spain. 
He's surrounded by Spaniards, has been to a Spanish nursery and pre-school since he was one year old, yet he's not picked up a single word of their language. 
He's not even mastered the Spanish word for "_please_"!



I say that's poor for four...


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Doug B




----------



## gwaithcoed

Imagine standing at the back of a queue of 11 footballers at the check out in Tesco and accidentally bumping your trolley into the back of the last one and they all fall down like a row of dominoes


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Robbo3

Just the right moment 1-3


----------



## dzj




----------



## Stan

A young man with a lot more money than road sense bought himself a fast motorbike from a cheap 2nd hand dealer. He immediately took it for a fast spin in the country. The engine cut out all of a sudden while he was in the middle of nowhere. Pushing the bike into a layby, he took off his helmet and began to look at the engine in bewilderment. 

After a few minutes of head-scratching and swearing he was no nearer to solving the problem.
"All you have to do is reconnect the battery wire", spoke a voice out of the blue, causing him to jump with shock. Cautiously, he looked around for the speaker but nobody was there.
"I must be hearing things", he thought, still staring at the engine in puzzlement. After a couple of minutes of inactivity the voice spoke again.
"Look. I told you. Reconnect the battery wire and it will work". 
The hair rose up on the back of his neck. He knew he was not imagining the voice. Looking round, the only thing he could see was a white horse looking stupidly over the fence at him.
"Nah! It can't be" he thought.
"Was that you? Did you just talk?" he said to the horse.
"Of course" the horse said indignantly, as if talking horses in the country were an everyday thing. "I told you what to do, why don't you try it?"
The young man thought he had nothing to lose so he tried it. To his amazement it worked.
"Thanks", he shouted to the horse as he rode off.

Soon he came across a small country pub. Stopping at the pub he walked in for a celebratory drink. At the bar he related his problem and the amazing talking horse to the barman, who didn't seem amazed by it at all.
"Good job it wasn't a black horse", said the barman.
The young man shivered with thoughts of what a black horse could portend.
"Why?"
"He don't know nothing about engines, he don't", replied the barman, idly wiping some glasses.


----------



## Alex H




----------



## niemeyjt

England will win the world cup - they have the best strikers in the world - Rashford, Kane, Saka, Foden, the postmen, the railway workers, the bus drivers, the nurses, the ambulance drivers, the teachers, national highways, the baggage handlers, the driving examiners, Border Force . . .


----------



## Thingybob

niemeyjt said:


> England will win the world cup - they have the best strikers in the world - Rashford, Kane, Saka, Foden, the postmen, the railway workers, the bus drivers, the nurses, the ambulance drivers, the teachers, national highways, the baggage handlers, the driving examiners, Border Force . . .


The sure fire way to bring the country fully to its knees is for the mobile phone company's workers to go on strike . T these youngsters don't know what a General strike is


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Noel

2-1


----------



## Robbo3

Just the right moment 4-6


----------



## mrpercysnodgrass

Sandyn said:


> I love this one, especially with that lovely Irish accent.
> 
> Probably have to turn the sound on


I had forgotten about this joke, its an absolute cracker.


----------



## Jaco

Why was the snowman looking through the carrots? 

He was picking his nose!


----------



## stuart little

mrpercysnodgrass said:


> I had forgotten about this joke, its an absolute cracker.


Last time I heard that one, it was a load of penguins!


----------



## Cozzer

Noel said:


> 2-1



"Kane, to put England level in the World Cup quarter final" - BBC match commentator.
Pause for breath....
"Kane scores for England! Nobody does it better!"
"Never ever in doubt, was it? Not for a second" added Danny Murphy.

An hour-or-so latter, old Bill - one of those who wanders around the pub looking for somebody to irritate - sidles up to me, tuts and says "Bloody Kane, eh? Makes me spit, he does..."

Well, Bill isn't on his own. Both teams were busy gozzing away from the very start of the match!


----------



## Alex H




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Amateur




----------



## Stan

An old lady was flying for the first time and was rather nervous. As she took her seat on the airliner she explained to the smiling hostess that she was worried about her ears popping. The hostess advised her that chewing gum would prevent that and handed her a pack.

Throughout the flight the hostess kept looking at the old lady to make sure everything was ok. She was pleased to see the old lady sitting there quietly, smiling contentedly.

After the landing when passengers were beginning to disembark, the hostess went to check on the old lady. 
"The chewing gum worked fine", the old lady shouted, "but how do I get it out of my ears?"


----------



## Cozzer

stuart little said:


> Last time I heard that one, it was a load of penguins!



But then that wouldn't have been funny at all, Stuart....


----------



## dzj




----------



## Sachakins

Doug B said:


> View attachment 148862


Are you sure?


----------



## Linus




----------



## dzj




----------



## mikej460




----------



## Doug B




----------



## mikej460

Keith Cocker said:


> Wotchit!! I quite fancy Nicola Sturgeon


You so need to keep sheep...


----------



## Jameshow

dzj said:


> View attachment 148900


Unless your the Stig!! 

Good to meet you mate!


----------



## Cozzer

A mate of mine runs a small newsagency nearby. He was telling me about all the petty theft that goes on, and how some ridiculous things that disappear out the door. Apparently he spotted a bloke nicking a '23 calendar this morning, before legging it out the shop.
If caught, he'll be looking at 12 months....


----------



## Robbo3

Just the right moment 7-9


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Alex H




----------



## Keith Cocker

mikej460 said:


> You so need to keep sheep...


Baa! Humbug!!


----------



## stuart little

Cozzer said:


> But then that wouldn't have been funny at all, Stuart....


Yes it was, a polisman stopped Paddy who was driving a truck with a load of penguins in, & asked what he was doing, Paddy said he was taking them to the zoo. A few hours later the cop stopped Paddy again, & said "You told me you were taking them there penguins to the zoo, so why have you still got them?"
Paddy replied, "Well we done the zoo, now I'm taking them to the beach".


----------



## stuart little

Doug B said:


> View attachment 148921


What about?


----------



## stuart little

What is the name of the swagman in #Waltzing Matilda#?


----------



## Myfordman

stuart little said:


> What is the name of the swagman in #Waltzing Matilda#?


Once


----------



## AES

stuart little said:


> What is the name of the swagman in #Waltzing Matilda#?



Not named in the version I know, but he was of a jolly disposition


----------



## Cozzer

stuart little said:


> Yes it was, a polisman stopped Paddy who was driving a truck with a load of penguins in, & asked what he was doing, Paddy said he was taking them to the zoo. A few hours later the cop stopped Paddy again, & said "You told me you were taking them there penguins to the zoo, so why have you still got them?"
> Paddy replied, "Well we done the zoo, now I'm taking them to the beach".



Oh, come on, Stuart!
The monkeys and cinema version is hilarious.
Penguins and the beach just doesn't work, does it?


----------



## stuart little

Answer:- 'Andy'.


----------



## stuart little

Cozzer said:


> Oh, come on, Stuart!
> The monkeys and cinema version is hilarious.
> Penguins and the beach just doesn't work, does it?


It did at the time - 40+yrs ago!!!!!!!!!


----------



## Cordy

Brazilian referee Wilton Sampaio who was in charge of England’s quarter-final against France on Saturday denies taking a bung and is backed fully by FIFA in a statement in which they say that they are not aware of any other party being engaged in corruption.

Both FIFA and Brazilian referee Wilton Sampaio were talking ahead of France's 2-1 win over Morocco in the Qatar World Cup Semi Finals to be played this Wednesday.


----------



## Cozzer

Talked to some old Scottish chums of mine recently.
The Kerr family decided to flee the country and settle in Spain many years ago. Bought a beachside bar, put a few live bands on for the punters, and subsequently made a few bob.
Life was good, things moved on, and a baby boy was soon born to them.
Embracing their new country, they decided to bless him with a local name.
Poor boy.
_Juan._
He'll never forgive them.


----------



## Cozzer

Nasty multi-vehicle job at our local mini-roundabout this morning.
Fog and ice, yes, but when three cars arrive at the same time, and neither of the Audi drivers involved know what the indicator stalk is for, there's only one outcome.
Poor old Frank from down the road got his car wiped and got trapped inside...the two Audis were relatively unscathed. 
All local folk involved - Newsagent Bill Smith and his wife in one of 'em, and John and Mary Ball in the other.
The emergency services were called, but when they realised that poor old Frank was stuck, they quickly decided to try and rescue him themselves.

Luckily for Frank, he was pulled out by the Smiths.


----------



## kinverkid

Cozzer said:


> Talked to some old Scottish chums of mine recently.
> The Kerr family decided to flee the country and settle in Spain many years ago. Bought a beachside bar, put a few live bands on for the punters, and subsequently made a few bob.
> Life was good, things moved on, and a baby boy was soon born to them.
> Embracing their new country, they decided to bless him with a local name.
> Poor boy.
> _Juan._
> He'll never forgive them.


Had to read it twice. I'm a bit slow these days.


----------



## Cozzer

kinverkid said:


> Had to read it twice. I'm a bit slow these days.



Don't fret.
I'll be explaining it to Stuart soon enough anyway....


----------



## dzj




----------



## Fidget

Your browser is not able to display this video.


----------



## selectortone




----------



## Cozzer

And now a funny from real life...

George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
_"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one.”_

Winston Churchill, in response...
_"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one.”_


----------



## paulrbarnard

Cozzer said:


> Talked to some old Scottish chums of mine recently.
> The Kerr family decided to flee the country and settle in Spain many years ago. Bought a beachside bar, put a few live bands on for the punters, and subsequently made a few bob.
> Life was good, things moved on, and a baby boy was soon born to them.
> Embracing their new country, they decided to bless him with a local name.
> Poor boy.
> _Juan._
> He'll never forgive them.


True story. I worked for a company in High Wycombe many many years ago and there were two members of staff with great names.
There was Teressa Green
and Justin Sunshine.


----------



## The_Yellow_Ardvark




----------



## The_Yellow_Ardvark




----------



## Doug B

The_Yellow_Ardvark said:


> View attachment 148969


You’re just trying to confuse @stuart little even more


----------



## Doug B




----------



## gcusick

kinverkid said:


> Had to read it twice. I'm a bit slow these days.


There was (still is?) a manufacturer of electronic test gear called Wayne Kerr. Try saying it quickly.


----------



## Pineapple

Cozzer said:


> Oh, come on, Stuart!
> The monkeys and cinema version is hilarious.
> Penguins and the beach just doesn't work, does it?


Of course it does ! Penguins love To Swim !


----------



## Morag Jones

Doug B said:


> View attachment 148972


Ok sorry to be thick, what’s in the bucket?


----------



## Yojevol

Morag Jones said:


> Ok sorry to be thick, what’s in the bucket?


Water, a carrot and a few conkers
Disregard the physics of the situation


----------



## stuart little

Cozzer said:


> Talked to some old Scottish chums of mine recently.
> The Kerr family decided to flee the country and settle in Spain many years ago. Bought a beachside bar, put a few live bands on for the punters, and subsequently made a few bob.
> Life was good, things moved on, and a baby boy was soon born to them.
> Embracing their new country, they decided to bless him with a local name.
> Poor boy.
> _Juan._
> He'll never forgive them.


----------



## stuart little

Cozzer said:


> Nasty multi-vehicle job at our local mini-roundabout this morning.
> Fog and ice, yes, but when three cars arrive at the same time, and neither of the Audi drivers involved know what the indicator stalk is for, there's only one outcome.
> Poor old Frank from down the road got his car wiped and got trapped inside...the two Audis were relatively unscathed.
> All local folk involved - Newsagent Bill Smith and his wife in one of 'em, and John and Mary Ball in the other.
> The emergency services were called, but when they realised that poor old Frank was stuck, they quickly decided to try and rescue him themselves.
> 
> Luckily for Frank, he was pulled out by the Smiths.


----------



## stuart little

Morag Jones said:


> Ok sorry to be thick, what’s in the bucket?


One snowman has melted - he's 'kicked the bucket.'


----------



## Cozzer

stuart little said:


>


Oh dear.


Juan, Stuart.
Juan Kerr.


----------



## Cozzer

stuart little said:


>


Really?
_Really?!_


----------



## Jameshow

Yojevol said:


> Water, a carrot and a few conkers
> Disregard the physics of the situation


Thermodynamics to be precise!!


----------



## Jaco

1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.

2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.

3. Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.

4. Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.

5. If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.

6. Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.

7. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.

8. I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.

9. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.

10. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.

11. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.

12. My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.

13. I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.

14. Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.

15. Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.

16. When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.

17. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”

18. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.

19. Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.

20. I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.

21. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.

22. What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.

23. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”

24. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.

25. I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.


----------



## Cozzer

Doug B said:


> You’re just trying to confuse @stuart little even more



Is that actually possible? To confuse Stuart even _more?!_


----------



## stuart little

Cozzer said:


> Oh dear.
> 
> 
> Juan, Stuart.
> Juan Kerr.


Yeah, I know, I was very slow on this one , but the penny did drop about 2hrs later!  
Reminds me of Mr. & Mrs Hunt naming their son Michael!!!


----------



## Cozzer

stuart little said:


> Yeah, I know, I was very slow on this one , but the penny did drop about 2hrs later!
> Reminds me of Mr. & Mrs Hunt naming their son Michael!!!



Steady, Stuart. Steady...


----------



## Yojevol

Jameshow said:


> Thermodynamics to be precise!!


That reminds me of an incident I experienced as a young engineer. I was invited to comment on a paper which had been doing the rounds for some time. I think I picked it up at about Issue8. I went to the next meeting to discuss the document. The chairman was also the author. After everyone had had their say, most of which went over my head, the chairman turned to me and asked if I had anything to add. Yes, I replied, 'what's the M.O. Dynamics of this system?' It was a term I hadn't come across before. 'Ah' said the author 'I've been waiting for 6 months for somebody to ask that. It's a typo. The typist had never come across 'thermodynamics' before. That was her interpretation of my scrawl'. After the meeting several of the others admitted they had been too embarrassed to ask the question.
Brian


----------



## Cozzer

gcusick said:


> There was (still is?) a manufacturer of electronic test gear called Wayne Kerr. Try saying it quickly.



Stuart will spend the rest of the day saying "electronictestgear" as quickly as possible...


----------



## Phil Pascoe

Yojevol said:


> That reminds me of an incident I experienced as a young engineer. I was invited to comment on a paper which had been doing the rounds for some time. I think I picked it up at about Issue8. I went to the next meeting to discuss the document. The chairman was also the author. After everyone had had their say, most of which went over my head, the chairman turned to me and asked if I had anything to add. Yes, I replied, 'what's the M.O. Dynamics of this system?' It was a term I hadn't come across before. 'Ah' said the author 'I've been waiting for 6 months for somebody to ask that. It's a typo. The typist had never come across 'thermodynamics' before. That was her interpretation of my scrawl'. After the meeting several of the others admitted they had been to embarrassed to ask the question.
> Brian


Reminded me of the story of the secretary writing "if so, fatso" for "ipso facto".


----------



## Cozzer

Phil Pascoe said:


> Reminded me of the story of the secretary writing "if so, fatso" for "ipso facto".



Which in turn reminds me of the woman who decided to become a secretary because she was fed up of being dictated to....


----------



## dzj




----------



## quintain

Phil Pascoe said:


> Reminded me of the story of the secretary writing "if so, fatso" for "ipso facto".


In the mid 1970s I set up a standard letter ending for a UK local authority.
"If we can be of any further assistance please do not hesitate to contact us".
Months and many-many letters later I discovered it had been sent out as.
"If we can be of any further assistance please do not contact us".
I often wondered if deliberate or a typo ????


----------



## Cozzer

quintain said:


> In the mid 1970s I set up a standard letter ending for a UK local authority.
> "If we can be of any further assistance please do not hesitate to contact us".
> Months and many-many letters later I discovered it had been sent out as.
> "If we can be of any further assistance please do not contact us".
> I often wondered if deliberate or a typo ????



Many years ago, I'd attended a job interview where things seemed to have gone OK, so I awaited the company's decision with excitement.
A few days afterwards, I got the letter I was waiting for.... Success!
However, after the initial one-liner confirming that I'd got the job, it continued that "if you don't receive this letter, please report to the office at 9 o'clock on (whatever day it was)"


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Cozzer

Talking of work-related laughs, I've been thinking of the few hilarious moments in my short but happy working life.
Y'know, when someone says or does something that, for some reason, makes you choke on your coffee at that very moment... In many cases "you had to be there" applies when you try to retell it to an outsider later, but there are a few that still make me grin, just thinking about them.
One such instance took place in our heavily computerised office - unusual at the time - but the area was prone to momentary power cuts. I can see the bloke involved now...
Tapping away on the keyboard, his screen suddenly went blank.
"Oh ****!" he exclaimed, "Don't go down on me now....!"
A slight pause before he added, "Well, I never thought I'd hear myself say_ that_!"


----------



## Phill05

I remember my old boss's father telling me how one cold and foggy day he wandered over to a stone wall to relive himself and heard a female voice say "my it's a thicken today Mr S" and he replied "aye lass an it's still a good length"


----------



## stuart little

Phil Pascoe said:


> Reminded me of the story of the secretary writing "if so, fatso" for "ipso facto".


Talking of typos, try watching Maigret on Talking Pictures Ch. with sub-titles on - a few laughs at times.


----------



## stuart little

The_Yellow_Ardvark said:


> View attachment 148969


About what?


----------



## Alex H




----------



## Alex H




----------



## Yojevol

Phill05 said:


> relive himself and heard a female voice say "my it's a thicken today Mr S" and he replied "aye lass an it's still a good length"


My goodness. What was he reliving? Past conquests?


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Alex H




----------



## Dibs-h




----------



## Linus




----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## Linus




----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Alex H




----------



## stuart little

Linus said:


> View attachment 149071


Could be a camper van.


----------



## treeturner123

stuart little said:


> Could be a camper van.


Are they on strike as well!!


----------



## stuart little

treeturner123 said:


> Are they on strike as well!!


Somewhere to stay warm on the picket line!


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Alex H




----------



## Doug B




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## Pineapple

ElizaTea said:


> View attachment 149237


Logical, as now that we've gone metric, it won't be necessary.


----------



## The_Yellow_Ardvark




----------



## Alex H




----------



## Alex H




----------



## JimJay

Alex H said:


> View attachment 149251


And good riddance!


----------



## JimJay

Alex H said:


> View attachment 149253


That's a very laboured "joke"..


----------



## Jameshow

Alex H said:


> View attachment 149253


I'm with Stuart on this one ..?????


----------



## Daniel2

Jameshow said:


> I'm with Stuart on this one ..?????


 And me


----------



## Noel

Daniel2 said:


> And me



Starting singing a seasonal song about wild animals.
: )


----------



## stuart little

gwaithcoed said:


> Crampon am enw. Welsh name for Pancake


Thought 'crampon' was what one used for climbing.


----------



## stuart little

Alex H said:


> View attachment 149253


----------



## stuart little

Alex H said:


> View attachment 149253


----------



## JimJay

"You'll "go down" in History.." Hilarious, eh?


----------



## MorrisWoodman12

Alex H said:


> View attachment 149253


Obtuse or wot?


----------



## Jameshow

I get it!!


----------



## stuart little

Jameshow said:


> I get it!!


----------



## selectortone

stuart little said:


>


Rudolph the red nosed reindeer - he'll go down in history (on his report card - from a B+ to a D)


----------



## Phill05

selectortone said:


> Rudolph the red nosed reindeer - he'll go down in history (on his report card - from a B+ to a D)


Got to something seriously wrong if that's a JOKE


----------



## stuart little

selectortone said:


> Rudolph the red nosed reindeer - he'll go down in history (on his report card - from a B+ to a D)


OOHHH, I see, said the 'no idea' (no-eyed-deer)


----------



## dzj




----------



## dzj

A big city New York lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three Kick Rule?"
The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's shin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick landed square on the man's nose. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn!"
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."


----------



## Robbo3

Just the right moment 10 - 12


----------



## stuart little

JimJay said:


> "You'll "go down" in History.." Hilarious, eh?


Only if you remember all the words to the song! It's yonks since I heard it sung!


----------



## Daniel2

Noel said:


> Starting singing a seasonal song about wild animals.
> : )



Thanks for trying @Noel , but it's still flying right over my head.


----------



## Alex H

Phill05 said:


> Got to something seriously wrong if that's a JOKE


Strictly speaking it's a cartoon, but cartoons are generally funny.


----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Noel

Daniel2 said:


> Thanks for trying @Noel , but it's still flying right over my head.



Isn’t it a bit early for that?
More likely Saturday night.
: )


----------



## Thingybob

stuart little said:


> Only if you remember all the words to the song! It's yonks since I heard it sung!


At least a year


----------



## stuart little

Thingybob said:


> At least a year


--and more!


----------



## Alex H




----------



## AES

stuart little said:


> --and more!




Well here you are then folks (the choir that I'm a member of sung this - and other "junk"! - at a Xmas concert we gave for kids in need). (The relevant line is high-lighted for you). Anyone need the music?


----------



## Myfordman

100% genuine photo taken yesterday in the urology dept of my local hospital


----------



## ElizaTea

Myfordman said:


> 100% genuine photo taken yesterday in the urology dept of my local hospital
> View attachment 149399


Mens department


----------



## Thingybob

AES said:


> Well here you are then folks (the choir that I'm a member of sung this - and other "junk"! - at a Xmas concert we gave for kids in need). (The relevant line is high-lighted for you). Anyone need the music?View attachment 149389


Must print off the intro bound to come up as a question at Christmas like name the seven dwarfs


----------



## Thingybob

ElizaTea said:


> Mens department


No there would of been plenty of seats down if it was


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## J-G

Thingybob said:


> Must print off the intro bound to come up as a question at Christmas like name the seven dwarfs


The most interesting Quiz question is "which Reindeer was not in the original 'The Night Before Christmas' " ?

I'll tell you later - give you time to research (or guess)


----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## Thingybob

J-G said:


> The most interesting Quiz question is "which Reindeer was not in the original 'The Night Before Christmas' " ?
> 
> I'll tell you later - give you time to research (or guess)


The answer is in the song "one foggy Christmas eve Santa came to call" so must be Rudolph


----------



## J-G

Thingybob said:


> The answer is in the song "one foggy Christmas eve Santa came to call" so must be Rudolph


Don't quite understand your reasoning Thingybob but you are correct, even though the words you 'quote' are incorrect.


----------



## Yojevol

J-G said:


> The most interesting Quiz question is "which Reindeer was not in the original 'The Night Before Christmas' " ?
> 
> I'll tell you later - give you time to research (or guess)


The original team came from warmer climes and therefore had dull noses. It was only when Santa arrived above the Arctic Circle and needed extra pulling power that he recruited a local where reindeer have shiny red noses.
Brian


----------



## wurglesnash357

And nobody even mentions Rudolph's second-in-command, Dimbo, the brown-nosed reindeer. He's just as fast as Rudolph but not quite so hot on the brakes.


----------



## Jaco

Accountants​

*Take One *
What is the difference between an accountant and a computer?

The computer has a personality.



*Take Two *

What is the difference between one sperm cell and an accountant?

The sperm cell has a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

* 

Take Three *

Husband and wife accountants having a tiff.

She moans “You don’t depreciate me any more!”



*Take Four*

A lawyer and an accountant were involved in a minor fender bender. Neither was hurt, but both were pretty badly shaken up. As they wait for the police to arrive the lawyer pulls out a hip flask and passes it to the accountant who takes a big gulp to "steady his nerves". The accountant hands it back to the lawyer who caps it and puts it back in his pocket.
The accountant says _"Hey, aren't YOU going to have one too?"_
The lawyer replies ...

_"Sure, right after the cops leave."_



*Take Five*

What's the difference between a porcupine and an accountant in a BMW?

_The porcupine has the prick on the outside!_



*Take Six*

Two Auditors were walking across Hyde Park when one said, "Where did you get such a great racing bike?" 
The second Auditor replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." 
The second Auditor nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."


----------



## Alex H




----------



## MorrisWoodman12

Pedronicus said:


> View attachment 149418



Knowing our luck we would order the carb and wheels and get the sweaters and perfume.


----------



## Serendipity Gunge

Thingybob said:


> The answer is in the song "one foggy Christmas eve Santa came to call" so must be Rudolph


Olive


----------



## John Brown

Pedronicus said:


> View attachment 149418


Not sure that I fully understand how this could happen, but I seem to remember James Burke, in one of his excellent (IMO) "Connections" programmes, explaining how the perfume atomiser was the inspiration for the carburettor. 

Not sure that helps with the sweaters/wheels confusion. I'd get in touch with PayPal, see if you can get a refund.


----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## Doug B




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## bushwhaker

If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?


----------



## Cordy




----------



## bushwhaker

*magic of christmas*


----------



## Amateur

bushwhaker said:


> *magic of christmas*


----------



## stuart little

Pedronicus said:


> View attachment 149418


Here we go again!


----------



## gregmcateer

stuart little said:


> Here we go again!


Exactly the same product. Different packaging. 
You're welcome


----------



## Thingybob

bushwhaker said:


> *magic of christmas*


So the top box is the 25% extra box sold all year as a special and the bottom one has special wrapping and following GP s guidelines to cut down on sugars how thoughtful of the company C B s


----------



## Thingybob

gregmcateer said:


> Exactly the same product. Different packaging.
> You're welcome


No Greg look closely


----------



## gregmcateer

Gotcha. Less! sprouts


----------



## Daniel2

Thingybob said:


> No Greg look closely


20% off for Christmas ?


----------



## Amateur

He wrote the last paragraph in a tribute to Stuart I think.


----------



## Amateur




----------



## Jameshow

20th Century Furniture Design | eBay


Find many great new & used options and get the best deals for 20th Century Furniture Design at the best online prices at eBay! Free delivery for many products.



www.ebay.co.uk




Not sure which thread is best but... 
£3!!!


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## stuart little

Thingybob said:


> So the top box is the 25% extra box sold all year as a special and the bottom one has special wrapping and following GP s guidelines to cut down on sugars how thoughtful of the company C B s


So, what's the joke?


----------



## stuart little

Amateur said:


> View attachment 149610
> 
> 
> He wrote the last paragraph in a tribute to Stuart I think.


You read my thoughts!!!


----------



## stuart little

Blackswanwood said:


> View attachment 149623


Replace both bracket & wife!


----------



## Cozzer

It's time to roll out the ol' traditional Xmas joke. Old, but a goodie for those who don't know it...

Christmas just isn't what it used to be. 
I remember Christmases past when we'd be all excited about the pile of presents in front of us. 
We'd furiously rip the wrapping paper off to see what we'd got. 
And those relatives who didn't send presents, sent cards with money instead, and we'd dream about what we'd spend it on.....





Oooh! I do miss the lads and my days in the Royal Mail sorting office....


----------



## Doug B




----------



## John Brown

Amateur said:


> View attachment 149610
> 
> 
> He wrote the last paragraph in a tribute to Stuart I think.


I'm old enough to remember when John Cleese was funny.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Doug B




----------



## paulrbarnard

Doug B said:


> View attachment 149679


This actually happened this morning in our village store. I went to pick up my usual bottle of milk and a woman got to the shelf before me and took 12, yes twelve, 2 litre bottles of semi-skimmed. She took ALL the semi-skimmed from the shelf. I had to get a bottle of the more expensive filtered milk rather than the stuff from our local farm. I wonder how many other local shoppers are going to not be able to get they regular milk today. Why do this in the local shop at all.


----------



## flying haggis

I think I would have challenged her about being so bloody selfish


----------



## Jameshow

flying haggis said:


> I think I would have challenged her about being so bloody selfish


Perhaps she runs a children's home or a homeless hostel. 

Plenty of reasons. 

But a village store is pretty mean tbh esp on the elderly. 

Must be better ways of getting milk but sadly supermarkets often undercut wholesalers.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## The_Yellow_Ardvark




----------



## Stan

I remember just before one Christmas when I was little, my mum asked my dad what he would like as a present. He replied a crate of Guinness and a bunny girl. Took me years to understand why she hit him.


----------



## Sachakins

Stan said:


> I remember just before one Christmas when I was little, my mum asked my dad what he would like as a present. He replied a crate of Guinness and a bunny girl. Took me years to understand why she hit him.


Yep, Guinness can really upset some women.......


----------



## The_Yellow_Ardvark




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Yojevol

Doug B said:


> View attachment 149697


Reminds me of one of my brother's little anecdotes. After his marriage failed and after a few false starts he's settled down with a lovely lady called Diana. Diana continued to live in her marital home after her husband, Ian, was long gone. The house was named 'Iandi' - get it? 
With the prospect of my brother, Alan, moving in he suggested that his shortened name should replace that of Di's ex. 
OK, said Di, I'll go with that. 
Pregnant pause
NO, NO, NO Definitely not 


Brian 
,


----------



## ElizaTea

Yojevol said:


> Reminds me of one of my brother's little anecdotes. After his marriage failed and after a few false starts he's settled down with a lovely lady called Diana. Diana continued to live in her marital home after her husband, Ian, was long gone. The house was named 'Iandi' - get it?
> With the prospect of my brother, Alan, moving in he suggested that his shortened name should replace that of Di's ex.
> OK, said Di, I'll go with that.
> Pregnant pause
> NO, NO, NO Definitely not
> 
> 
> Brian
> ,


I can recommend their apple streusel


----------



## Yojevol

ElizaTea said:


> I can recommend their apple streusel


You mean you know Al & Di? Amazing


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Yojevol

Doug B said:


> View attachment 149731


What happened to @J-G and his poser about Rudolph?


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Cozzer

Yojevol said:


> You mean you know Al & Di? Amazing


I'm just waiting for Stuart to ask what's so funny about Al and Ex....


----------



## J-G

Yojevol said:


> What happened to @J-G and his poser about Rudolph?


Sorry Brian - I thought that had been answered - It was actually a poser about "The Night Before Christmas", the poem, which is the genesis of "Rudolf The Red Nosed Reindeer" - the answer is (of course) Rudolph.

The point was that so few people know that the Song is not the 'original' so a quiz question to name the reindeer in the poem often results in the incorrect inclusion of Rudolph.


----------



## RobinBHM

Happy Christmas everybody

here are some ducks in a mariachi band…..because we can


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Sachakins

A duck walks into a bar

The barman says "Good morning, whats your name?"
The Duck responds "Good morning, My name is Dewie"
The barman asks, "How has your day been?" As he pours the duck a drink
The duck responds "Great, ive been in and out of puddles all day, what more could a duck want?"
The barman replies "Quite right you are!"
Another duck walks into the bar and sits down, the barman asks "Good morning, whats your name and hows your day?"
The duck replies, "My names Hughie and ive been jumping into puddles all day, what more could a duck want?
As the barman pours another drink a third duck comes in,
The barman says "ah, you must be Lewie!"
The third duck, bats her eyelashes and says:
"No, Im puddles"


----------



## Sachakins

A duck walks into a bar...​And orders a hundred bottles of scotch.

The bartender says, "That's gonna be pretty expensive. How are you gonna pay for all that liquor?"

The duck replies, "Just put it on my tab."

A nearby bar patron cheekily says, "Don't you mean 'put it on my bill'?"

The duck says to the bartender, "Okay, put it on his bill."


----------



## stuart little

ElizaTea said:


> I can recommend their apple streusel


Typo? What's 'streusel'? Maybe "Strüdel"?
I'm so pedantic at times.


----------



## stuart little

Cozzer said:


> I'm just waiting for Stuart to ask what's so funny about Al and Ex....


Nah! I got that one -- eventually!


----------



## Phil Pascoe

stuart little said:


> Typo? What's 'streusel'? Maybe "Strüdel"?
> I'm so pedantic at times.


Google is your friend. Occasionally.


----------



## stuart little

Phil Pascoe said:


> Google is your friend. Occasionally.


Didn't need 'google' - this time!


----------



## Noel

Are you in business?


----------



## Cordy

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my garden.

I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, so I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my garden, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.

This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar.

'He lives in a home, with my non-stop chatting and nagging wife, he's trying to catch up on his sleep.

Can I also come with him tomorrow?'


----------



## Phil Pascoe

stuart little said:


> Didn't need 'google' - this time!


You obviously did.


----------



## stuart little

Phil Pascoe said:


> You obviously did.


OH NO I didn't!


Noel said:


> Are you in business?


?


----------



## Phil Pascoe

Then why presume he meant strudel and not streusel?
If you're being pedantic at least get it right.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Cozzer

stuart little said:


> Nah! I got that one -- eventually!


Very good!
(Hope you realise that I'm only teasing you with some of my posts! I wish you no harm!)
Happy Christmas, Stuart. Hope you had a good one, and best wishes for '23.


----------



## MikeK

stuart little said:


> Didn't need 'google' - this time!


Had you bothered to check, you would have discovered that apple streusel (Apfel Streusel Kuchen) is also known as apple crumble. It is not the same as apple strudel.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## The_Yellow_Ardvark




----------



## flying haggis

364 Days to Christmas and that silly person across the road has his Christmas tree up already..


----------



## dzj




----------



## mikej460

Thomas The Tank Engine huffed and puffed as he pulled out of Paddington

Paddington rolled over and had a post-coital cigarette....

(I will so miss Mock The Week)


----------



## Vann

stuart little said:


> OH NO I didn't!


OH YES you did!!


----------



## Alex H




----------



## Morty

stuart little said:


> Yeah, I know, I was very slow on this one , but the penny did drop about 2hrs later!
> Reminds me of Mr. & Mrs Hunt naming their son Michael!!!


Many years ago in the 80s I worked with a petroleum engineer called Richard Head, we used to call him Rick


----------



## Yojevol

Morty said:


> Many years ago in the 80s I worked with a petroleum engineer called Richard Head, we used to call him Rick


On a slightly different tack, I once had to deal with a company called Stainless Steel Products and, in particular, their sales director, Mr Rust.
Brian


----------



## Thingybob

dzj said:


> View attachment 149836


Where's Stuart when you need him


----------



## Lazarus

Yojevol said:


> On a slightly different tack, I once had to deal with a company called Stainless Steel Products and, in particular, their sales director, Mr Rust.
> Brian


I dealt with a company called the Anglo Danish Trading Company and their manager, Fanny Filbert, and despite its sound they were NOT a porn company.


----------



## AES

Thingybob said:


> Where's Stuart when you need him




I'm SO glad it's not just me!


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Lazarus




----------



## dzj

Thingybob said:


> Where's Stuart when you need him


Lefties, always after a freebie.


----------



## dzj




----------



## Fergie 307

Lazarus said:


> I dealt with a company called the Anglo Danish Trading Company and their manager, Fanny Filbert, and despite its sound they were NOT a porn company.


And I believe the CEO of the Royal Horticultural Society, is a Mr Weed


----------



## Keith Cocker

Fergie 307 said:


> And I believe the CEO of the Royal Horticultural Society, is a Mr Weed


He is indeed. Many moons ago I worked at a University. In the Biological Sciences Department there was a Professor Raven and a Dr Codd


----------



## Alex H




----------



## MorrisWoodman12

Morty said:


> Many years ago in the 80s I worked with a petroleum engineer called Richard Head, we used to call him Rick


Imagine the scene: two cars travelling down a straight road, a parked car further along and a turning to the right a hundred yards past that. The car in front of me indicates to go around the parked car having done so I go to overtake him whereupon he turns into the turning. I collide with his car. We exchange details. Turns out he is Mr. Pratt . Just about keep the smile from my face. (Yes I know the fault is six of one / half dozen of the other ).


----------



## GuitardoctorW7

dzj said:


> View attachment 149888


"I'm sorry Mr. Mouse but having Buck Teeth is no reason to divorce your wife" " I didn't say that your honour, I said she was ******* Goofy!"


----------



## GuitardoctorW7

GuitardoctorW7 said:


> "I'm sorry Mr. Mouse but having Buck Teeth is no reason to divorce your wife" " I didn't say that your honour, I said she was ******* Goofy!"


PC Police removed the F


----------



## Jameshow

Alex H said:


> View attachment 149941


Stuart I stand with you !????


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Hutzul

Jameshow said:


> Stuart I stand with you !????


I think it's'The Roadrunner, beepbeep'.


----------



## AES

Jameshow said:


> Stuart I stand with you !????




Oh good oh. Again glad it's not just me!


----------



## The_Yellow_Ardvark




----------



## Yorkieguy

Beep Beep...


----------



## dzj




----------



## JimJay

The_Yellow_Ardvark said:


> View attachment 149964


As Larson himself said, this "joke" was an exercise in silliness......can't argue with that.


----------



## Amateur




----------



## Fergie 307

Keith Cocker said:


> He is indeed. Many moons ago I worked at a University. In the Biological Sciences Department there was a Professor Raven and a Dr Codd


We had a biology teacher called Mrs Bone at one time.


----------



## Alex H




----------



## Alex H




----------



## Alex H




----------



## Cozzer

MorrisWoodman12 said:


> Imagine the scene: two cars travelling down a straight road, a parked car further along and a turning to the right a hundred yards past that. The car in front of me indicates to go around the parked car having done so I go to overtake him whereupon he turns into the turning. I collide with his car. We exchange details. Turns out he is Mr. Pratt . Just about keep the smile from my face. (Yes I know the fault is six of one / half dozen of the other ).



Had to smile at the above...

Many years ago, I and a pal were in my then pride-and-joy MG Midget, queueing at a T junction.
The car in front indicated to turn right, and was inching forward, ready for a gap in the traffic.
I was wanting to turn left, so as he inched forward and steering right, I was beginning to move up on his inside.
All of a sudden - and he later blamed his passenger wife! - he changed his mind, deciding to turn left instead....
Crunch. My right wing, which I'd only just had repaired and resprayed, got clobbered. The MG was so low, he claimed he couldn't see it in his wing mirror, and then his silly person wife started complaining that we shouldn't have tried to "undertake" his car.
Neither of us had insurance details with us - and laddo didn't even have his licence with him - so it was just a verbal exchange of basic details, scribbled on fag packets/whatever.
In answer to my first question, he stated his name was "John Smith".
Both I and my best mate chorused _"Oh yeah....sure!"_


It turned out it was, of course!


----------



## Tris

Had an MG Midget many years ago, could drop the top and drive under the barriers in the local multi storey car park. It was in the days before artic trailers had side safety bars so the motorway was a bit hairy at times


----------



## stuart little

Phil Pascoe said:


> Then why presume he meant strudel and not streusel?
> If you're being pedantic at least get it right.


Apologies all round, due to my 'iggorance' of not ever having heard of it, - well almost a joke?


----------



## stuart little

Cozzer said:


> Very good!
> (Hope you realise that I'm only teasing you with some of my posts! I wish you no harm!)
> Happy Christmas, Stuart. Hope you had a good one, and best wishes for '23.


I know, that's why I try to wind you guys up!!!!!!
Thanks & you to. Although nowadays it's just another day, & when C-mas day clashes with Sunday it does not feel like it.


----------



## stuart little

Tris said:


> Had an MG Midget many years ago, could drop the top and drive under the barriers in the local multi storey car park. It was in the days before artic trailers had side safety bars so the motorway was a bit hairy at times


AKA 'Mansfield Bars'. After Jayne's tragic accident.


----------



## stuart little

MikeK said:


> Had you bothered to check, you would have discovered that apple streusel (Apfel Streusel Kuchen) is also known as apple crumble. It is not the same as apple strudel.


Mike, although I have spent many hols touring Germany, I have never come across 'streusel', so it was me assuming - again!


----------



## stuart little

flying haggis said:


> 364 Days to Christmas and that silly person across the road has his Christmas tree up already..


Same here they've all got their C-mas lights on!!!!!


----------



## fatbob




----------



## stuart little

Thingybob said:


> Where's Stuart when you need him


I'm here! Wasup?


----------



## stuart little

Jameshow said:


> Stuart I stand with you !????


That's 'Road Runner' - "BEEP- BEEP"  

Sorry - no  this time!


----------



## stuart little

The_Yellow_Ardvark said:


> View attachment 149964


----------



## stuart little

Doug B said:


> View attachment 149943


Would it be this smell -  ?


----------



## stuart little

dzj said:


> View attachment 149836


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Sachakins

flying haggis said:


> View attachment 150014


OK, not a Hen, must be a [email protected]#£ral


----------



## Jaco




----------



## Noel

You should always recycle your old pizza boxes…..


----------



## John Brown

Jaco said:


> View attachment 150055


Human excrement versus yeast excrement.


----------



## Lazarus




----------



## Thingybob

Noel said:


> You should always recycle your old pizza boxes…..


???


----------



## John Brown

Lazarus said:


> View attachment 150085


???


----------



## Tris

Thingybob said:


> ???


Nutshell: Some internet troll was tracked down and arrested after his choice of pizza takeaway was shown in pics online


----------



## The_Yellow_Ardvark




----------



## stuart little

Lazarus said:


> View attachment 150085


----------



## stuart little

stuart little said:


>


Happy new year to stuart little fans!


----------



## Jester129




----------



## Phill05

Jester129 said:


> View attachment 150113



What make you think that,think that, bump, think that, think that.

Happy new year Stuart.


----------



## stuart little

M


Jester129 said:


> View attachment 150113


Methinks you have a valid point there!


----------



## DRC

Lazarus said:


> View attachment 150085


How is THIS ever a joke please tell me???


----------



## Thingybob

stuart little said:


> Happy new year to stuart little fans!


And a very Happy New Year to you Stuart


----------



## Thingybob

Is it me or are the last few jokes of 2022 lacking in humour hope 2023 is a better barrel


----------



## Thingybob

A very Happy New Year to all contributors on UK Workshop and those who just pop in when passing


----------



## RobinBHM

doctor to patient: "When did you discover you had diarrhoea?" 
Patient: "When I took my cycle clips off".


----------



## RobinBHM

a very happy new year

may it not work out like this:


----------



## Lazarus




----------



## woodhutt

Jaco said:


> View attachment 150055


I think W C Fields said it better when he advised, "Don't drink water, fishes make love in it."


----------



## Phil Pascoe

Well, he didn't, actually ...


----------



## Linus

Phil Pascoe said:


> Wll, he didn't, actually ...


Pedantic?

Happy New Year, eventually.


----------



## John Brown

Phil Pascoe said:


> Wll, he didn't, actually ...


He might have done. Unless you were with him every waking minute of his life, it's hard to be certain.


----------



## IZZY

stuart little said:


> Happy new year to stuart little fans!


Both of us.


----------



## Alex H




----------



## Suffolkboy

DRC said:


> How is THIS ever a joke please tell me???


The story tells us that an elderly couple have run up a hefty bill watching pay per view pornagraphic films. A claim which they clearly vehemently deny and intend to refute. 

The bottom picture focusses on the husbands face, the insinuation here is open to interpretation as it isn't explained in the text but it allows the viewer to draw the hilarious conclusion that he has a guilty expression, perhaps he really did subscribe to those mucky movies and daren't tell his wife, unfortunately for him she has taken it to the press and now he finds himself in a sticky stiuation.


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Phil Pascoe

John Brown said:


> He might have done. Unless you were with him every waking minute of his life, it's hard to be certain.


Merely a bit of humour. We all know what he is supposed to have said.


----------



## John Brown

Phil Pascoe said:


> Merely a bit of humour.


Likewise.


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## gwaithcoed

Doctor to patient And how can I help you today

Patient I've come about my hereditary diarrhoea

Doctor But diarrhoea isn't hereditary

Patient Well it's in my jeans


----------



## John Brown

gwaithcoed said:


> Doctor to patient And how can I help you today
> 
> Patient I've come about my hereditary diarrhoea
> 
> Doctor But diarrhoea isn't hereditary
> 
> Patient Well it's in my jeans


It runs in my family.


----------



## Jameshow

Patient goes to drs. 

I have terrible diarrhoea, oh dear how long have you had it? 

Since I removed my cycling clips the patient replied!


----------



## John Brown

It's like déjà vu, all over again...


----------



## Tris

Deja poo?




I'll get my coat....


----------



## mikej460

For today's young car owners who think they are more intelligent than new car owners 50 years ago. 50 years ago the owners manual showed you how to adjust the valves in your car engine, whereas now it warns you not to drink the battery acid....


----------



## flying haggis

thought i would put this in the joke section. I found it on my local facebook marketplace site £60


----------



## dzj




----------



## flying haggis

dont we already?? oh sorry wrong forum............


----------



## Sachakins

flying haggis said:


> dont we already?? oh sorry wrong forum............


Ah, but do you really know how our members dress behind their keyboards


----------



## Thingybob

Suffolkboy said:


> The story tells us that an elderly couple have run up a hefty bill watching pay per view pornagraphic films. A claim which they clearly vehemently deny and intend to refute.
> 
> The bottom picture focusses on the husbands face, the insinuation here is open to interpretation as it isn't explained in the text but it allows the viewer to draw the hilarious conclusion that he has a guilty expression, perhaps he really did subscribe to those mucky movies and daren't tell his wife, unfortunately for him she has taken it to the press and now he finds himself in a sticky stiuation.


Hilarious ? That's like having a Joke Thread 3 by request only , sorry deffo not hilarious


----------



## ElizaTea




----------



## Jameshow

Or a series of tension headaches, punctuated by major crisis and a litany of misplaced decisions!


----------



## Dibs-h

mikej460 said:


> the owners manual showed you how to adjust the valves in your car engine


Taking me back some years is that. MK1 Golf IIRC. Along with points and a dwell meter.


----------



## Robbo3

Just the right moment 13,14,15.


----------



## Alex H

(For those who insist on explanation, I'll give you a clue - II should have posted it a couple of days ago )


----------



## nickds1

Alex H said:


> View attachment 150294
> 
> 
> (For those who insist on explanation, I'll give you a clue - II should have posted it a couple of days ago )





Just for explanation (Stuart etc )... This is a real bar in Laax, Switzerland - Laax is a mountain ski resort (I used to have an office there). The local language is Romansh (a type of Latin) and the Romansh word for "mountain" is... "Cr*p", hence the bar name...

Edit: the forum software displays the word c r a p as "rubbish", so I had to put in the "*"... Also, being pedantic, the literal translation of "cr*p" to English is "stone", but locals use the same word for "mountain" - there are several dialects of Romansh. The main mountain for Laax/Flims/Falera is called Cr*p Sogn Gion


----------



## sammy.se

ElizaTea said:


> View attachment 150269


I thought it was just me


----------



## Stan

gwaithcoed said:


> Doctor to patient And how can I help you today
> 
> Patient I've come about my hereditary diarrhoea
> 
> Doctor But diarrhoea isn't hereditary
> 
> Patient Well it's in my jeans




This joke reminded me of something. For those of you who have trouble spelling "diarrhoea" without computer assistance, the following may be of use:

Dash In A Right Royal Hurry Or Else Accident


----------



## imageel

...and for those suffering from myopia...


----------



## The_Yellow_Ardvark




----------



## The_Yellow_Ardvark




----------



## Cozzer

Bumped into one of my neighbours earlier today, walking two dogs.
_"I didn't know you had dogs"._
"I don't. They are my sisters...."
_"Well, you don't look alike, do you?"_


----------



## Robbo3

Just the right moment 16,17,18


----------



## Alex H




----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Daniel2

Alex H said:


> View attachment 150377



 Nope, Not a clue what you're talking about.


----------



## Southdownswolf

Daniel2 said:


> Nope, Not a clue what you're talking about.



The iPad is in a cover blending into the seat....


----------



## Jameshow

I would have let him stu art a little longer!!


----------



## Daniel2

Southdownswolf said:


> The iPad is in a cover blending into the seat....



Thank you. But, gosh, what a great joke


----------



## sammy.se

Daniel2 said:


> Thank you. But, gosh, what a great joke


You had to be there.


----------



## John Brown

Alex H said:


> View attachment 150377


I can't see any man...


----------



## Woody2Shoes

Suffolkboy said:


> ......now he finds himself in a sticky stiuation.


Hahahaha......


----------



## Thingybob

Daniel2 said:


> Nope, Not a clue what you're talking about.


Come back in13days


----------



## gwaithcoed

Now do you see it


----------



## dzj




----------



## Doug B




----------



## stuart little

Jameshow said:


> I would have let him stu art a little longer!!


Ah, but I saw that immediately!


----------



## stuart little

nickds1 said:


> View attachment 150295
> 
> 
> Just for explanation (Stuart etc )... This is a real bar in Laax, Switzerland - Laax is a mountain ski resort (I used to have an office there). The local language is Romansh (a type of Latin) and the Romansh word for "mountain" is... "Cr*p", hence the bar name...
> 
> Edit: the forum software displays the word c r a p as "rubbish", so I had to put in the "*"... Also, being pedantic, the literal translation of "cr*p" to English is "stone", but locals use the same word for "mountain" - there are several dialects of Romansh. The main mountain for Laax/Flims/Falera is called Cr*p Sogn Gion


----------



## dzj




----------



## The_Yellow_Ardvark




----------



## dzj




----------



## IZZY

dzj said:


> View attachment 150476


What did you expect Alien bolts ?


----------



## Yojevol

IZZY said:


> What did you expect Alien bolts ?


No, Star Heads


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Just4Fun

Doug B said:


> View attachment 150490


But you have to realise that common sense is perfectly distributed among the population. Do you know _ anyone_ who thinks they need more of it than they already have?


----------



## stuart little

dzj said:


> View attachment 150450


That's no joke!


----------



## Alex H




----------



## Thingybob

Yojevol said:


> No, Star Heads


No fastenings from the planet Torqx


----------



## Thingybob

Wife's friend has just opened a gym called Resolutions it's open all January for exercise then for the next 11 months it's a wine bar


----------



## Amateur




----------



## Doug B




----------



## The_Yellow_Ardvark




----------



## John Brown

The_Yellow_Ardvark said:


> View attachment 150565


Yep! That's climate change!


----------



## Kittyhawk

Just4Fun said:


> But you have to realise that common sense is perfectly distributed among the population. Do you know _ anyone_ who thinks they need more of it than they already have?


Yep... me. I do stupid quite a lot.
And I've got the scars to prove it.


----------



## Cozzer

Absolutely true story for you. It'll probably mean more to blokes of a certain age....

Now and then, it's suggested that ladies attend a certain clinic in order to make sure that...erm...certain of their parts are working as expected. Apparently it's fair from a pleasant affair - feet up in stirrups, etc., and a specialist nurse performing a task with a variety of equipment.
Yes, it's time to thank God you were born a bloke, methinks....
Anyway, a good few years ago my wife's best friend attended her clinic session. "Christine" was a game lass, and was known for....erm....putting it about a bit. (She once claimed that her GP had had to check certain bits of her, and in true Yorkshire fashion, had exclaimed "My God! That's had some clout!")
But I digress. Christine is seated in the clinic waiting room, understandably nervous, so decides she should go and powder her nose/freshen up _down there_. Too late, she notices that there's not really enough toilet roll to dry down there properly, so dives into her handbag to find two or three paper tissues to help matters out. As with all female handbags, it's almost bottomless, with lipsticks, purse, receipts, packets of mints and Lord knows what else, but she eventually finds the tissues nestling in the middle. Relieved, she dries herself properly, flushes the wipes away, and returns to the waiting room....
Eventually she's called into the examination room, disrobes, and assumes the rather undignified position on the table. A few seconds into the examination, she heard one of the two nurses utter "Oh! That's interesting..." and saw her reaching for a set of tweezers, carefully retrieving something, and placing it in a nearby dish of some description.
It was only when the examination was over was Christine able to sit up, and of course had to look in the dish. 

Sitting right in the middle was a Green Shield stamp....


----------



## Robbo3

Just the right moment 19,20,21


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Morty

It didn't take her long !!!!!


----------



## Pineapple

Robbo3 said:


> Just the right moment 19,20,21
> 
> View attachment 150570
> 
> 
> View attachment 150571
> 
> 
> View attachment 150572


Obama vs. Trump ?


----------



## stuart little

Doug B said:


> View attachment 150578


----------



## stuart little

Blackswanwood said:


> View attachment 150577


----------



## stuart little

Morty said:


> It didn't take her long !!!!!View attachment 150579




TThat's enough for today!


----------



## bushwhaker




----------



## Stan

Just4Fun said:


> But you have to realise that common sense is perfectly distributed among the population. Do you know _ anyone_ who thinks they need more of it than they already have?


 The Dunning-Kruger effect in action!


----------



## Cozzer

Cozzer said:


> Absolutely true story for you. It'll probably mean more to blokes of a certain age....
> 
> Now and then, it's suggested that ladies attend a certain clinic in order to make sure that...erm...certain of their parts are working as expected. Apparently it's fair from a pleasant affair - feet up in stirrups, etc., and a specialist nurse performing a task with a variety of equipment.
> Yes, it's time to thank God you were born a bloke, methinks....
> Anyway, a good few years ago my wife's best friend attended her clinic session. "Christine" was a game lass, and was known for....erm....putting it about a bit. (She once claimed that her GP had had to check certain bits of her, and in true Yorkshire fashion, had exclaimed "My God! That's had some clout!")
> But I digress. Christine is seated in the clinic waiting room, understandably nervous, so decides she should go and powder her nose/freshen up _down there_. Too late, she notices that there's not really enough toilet roll to dry down there properly, so dives into her handbag to find two or three paper tissues to help matters out. As with all female handbags, it's almost bottomless, with lipsticks, purse, receipts, packets of mints and Lord knows what else, but she eventually finds the tissues nestling in the middle. Relieved, she dries herself properly, flushes the wipes away, and returns to the waiting room....
> Eventually she's called into the examination room, disrobes, and assumes the rather undignified position on the table. A few seconds into the examination, she heard one of the two nurses utter "Oh! That's interesting..." and saw her reaching for a set of tweezers, carefully retrieving something, and placing it in a nearby dish of some description.
> It was only when the examination was over was Christine able to sit up, and of course had to look in the dish.
> 
> Sitting right in the middle was a Green Shield stamp....



Please, God... don't let me have to explain this one to Stuart....


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Phill05

Cozzer said:


> Please, God... don't let me have to explain this one to Stuart....



Come on Stuart we are waiting


----------



## Amateur

Breaking news.

Harry has admitted never seeing his wife naked and now suspects hes been sleeping with a hired double.

Has the penny dropped?


----------



## Ozi

Pineapple said:


> Obama vs. Trump ?


I'd pay good money to see that


----------



## bushwhaker

Amateur said:


> Breaking news.
> 
> Harry has admitted never seeing his wife naked and now suspects hes been sleeping with a hired double.





Amateur said:


> Has the penny dropped?


======= ===========
ME
======= ===========


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Sachakins

Blackswanwood said:


> View attachment 150613


If you get it right your chancellor!


----------



## Cordy




----------



## selectortone

I'd like to congratulate Prince Harry, it takes some doing to make people feel sorry for the Taliban.


----------



## Jameshow

selectortone said:


> I'd like to congratulate Prince Harry, it takes some doing to make people feel sorry for the Taliban.


Talking about burning bridges.....


----------



## Robbo3




----------



## Dibs-h

Jameshow said:


> Talking about burning bridges.....


There's that old saying - _"All happy families are all happy in the same way and all dysfunctional families are all dysfunctional in their own (unique) way."_

And his family are royally dysfunctional.


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Vann

Thingybob said:


> A very Happy New Year to all contributors on UK Workshop and those who just pop in when passing...


...wind.

A belated happy New Year all.

Cheers, Vann.


----------



## stuart little

Cozzer said:


> Please, God... don't let me have to explain this one to Stuart....


Get out of it!!!


----------



## stuart little

Doug B said:


> View attachment 150587


Pleae don't call me Adolf!!


----------



## Alex H




----------



## Pedronicus




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## woodhutt

Robbo3 said:


> View attachment 150614


I'm going to have to do a stuart  It looks like a common form of transport down here.


----------



## Daniel2

woodhutt said:


> I'm going to have to do a stuart  It looks like a common form of transport down here.



I think it's a ride-on lawn mower.


----------



## artie

A Russian wife turned to her husband and asked, "What's this special military operation our glorious leader keeps talking about?" Her husband replied, "It's a war to stop America and NATO." "Oh, right” she says “How's it going?"
“Well” he replied “so far we have lost over 20 generals, 80,000 troops killed, countless injured, 3000 tanks, 300 aircraft, hundreds of helicopters, countless armoured vehicles, artillery and trucks, our flagship along with other naval ships, our army is being defeated in most areas and we have had to resort to conscription to replace our losses”.
“Wow” replied the wife “what about America and NATO”?
“They haven’t turned up yet”


----------



## Phil Pascoe

Déja vu again.


----------



## woodhutt

Daniel2 said:


> I think it's a ride-on lawn mower.


Ah, I see! Well, she's very pretty. Is she a professional model. do you know?


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Amateur




----------



## Linus

Dibs-h said:


> There's that old saying - _"All happy families are all happy in the same way and all dysfunctional families are all dysfunctional in their own (unique) way."_
> 
> And his family are royally dysfunctional.


Actually the phrase is:- All happy families are alike, but every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way (*Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina, 1878*)


----------



## Cozzer

stuart little said:


> Get out of it!!!



Yes, that's exactly what Christine yelled!


----------



## Majimoto

Phil Pascoe said:


> Déja vu again.


I thought I'd seen it before. Still good.


----------



## Mick p

Morty said:


> It didn't take her long !!!!!View attachment 150579


It’s a better looking bloke than a woman


----------



## gwaithcoed

Alex H said:


> View attachment 150623


Seeing this reminds me of an incident that happened years ago at my local colliery
The different areas of the mine along with the electrical and mechanical departments decided to form cricket teams
One of my electricians having never played before volunteered 
The colliery provided all the equipment but he had to get his own protector 
His mates told him it was called a jog strap and he could get down the town from the sport shop
So off he went 
The young lady behind the counter was a good friend of his sister and the conversation went something like this 
She and how can I help

He I want a jog strap

She Sorry I don't know what you mean, what's it for

He cricket 

She where do you use it 

He embarrassed pointed down to his groin area 

She oh you mean a man's protector 

He even more embarrassed said Sorry I was told it was a jog strap

She no problem and what size do you want, large or small 

He Large

She OK and do you know I've never yet sold a small one to anyone 

He met this young lady many times after when she visited his sister and she always said to him large or small


----------



## DrPhill

gwaithcoed said:


> Seeing this reminds me of an incident that happened years ago at my local colliery
> The different areas of the mine along with the electrical and mechanical departments decided to form cricket teams
> One of my electricians having never played before volunteered
> The colliery provided all the equipment but he had to get his own protector
> His mates told him it was called a jog strap and he could get down the town from the sport shop
> So off he went
> The young lady behind the counter was a good friend of his sister and the conversation went something like this
> She and how can I help
> 
> He I want a jog strap
> 
> She Sorry I don't know what you mean, what's it for
> 
> He cricket
> 
> She where do you use it
> 
> He embarrassed pointed down to his groin area
> 
> She oh you mean a man's protector
> 
> He even more embarrassed said Sorry I was told it was a jog strap
> 
> She no problem and what size do you want, large or small
> 
> He Large
> 
> She OK and do you know I've never yet sold a small one to anyone
> 
> He met this young lady many times after when she visited his sister and she always said to him large or small


They come in three sizes. S M L. 
Small, medium and liar.


----------



## Cordy




----------



## Amateur

Doc. His name is Stuart Little.
Is there anything you have to say about his condition, can he be saved?
Well one thing is for sure.
He won't think its funny.
There could be hope for him even in these circumstances though.


----------



## Linus




----------



## The_Yellow_Ardvark




----------



## Thingybob

Linus said:


> Actually the phrase is:- All happy families are alike, but every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way (*Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina, 1878*)


That must be a Linus from Tolstoy Boom Boom


----------



## Doug B

Cordy said:


> View attachment 150707


7 posts later & that queue is no longer


----------



## Thingybob

Come on UK Workshop that's not what we meant by more content


----------



## niemeyjt

Thingybob said:


> Come on UK Workshop that's not what we meant by more content



Well I am happier this year


----------



## gwaithcoed

Dr Phill said they come in 3sizes.
That may well be but having showered by him in the pit head baths he had the right size


----------



## John Brown

gwaithcoed said:


> Dr Phill said they come in 3sizes.
> That may well be but having showered by him in the pit head baths he had the right size


TMI!!


----------



## Robbo3




----------



## Morag Jones

Lazarus said:


> View attachment 150085


???


----------



## Phil Pascoe

I'm with you on that one.


----------



## Alex H

Morag Jones said:


> ???


For explanation click here


----------



## Alex H




----------



## Phil Pascoe

Alex H said:


> For explanation click here


It's no funnier for reading it.


----------



## Daniel2

Phil Pascoe said:


> It's no funnier for reading it.



  It was a pretty carp joke to start with, made even worse
by requiring explanation.


----------



## dzj




----------



## The_Yellow_Ardvark




----------



## The_Yellow_Ardvark




----------



## Thingybob

The_Yellow_Ardvark said:


> View attachment 150798


----------



## Thingybob

I believe Phil Pasco is changing his name to Dan Dare space ranger now they have a space port down there


----------



## Phil Pascoe

Half ten that one's supposed to go. I didn't realise the actual satellites are no bigger than a shoe box.


----------



## Thingybob

Phil Pascoe said:


> Half ten that one's supposed to go. I didn't realise the actual satellites are no bigger than a shoe box.


Ah now I see why SWMBO has so many pairs she's getting into satellite manufacturing


----------



## Doug B




----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Noel

Phil Pascoe said:


> Half ten that one's supposed to go. I didn't realise the actual satellites are no bigger than a shoe box.


That went well. Wonder what happened and where did all the bits go?


----------



## dzj




----------



## Phil Pascoe

Noel said:


> That went well. Wonder what happened and where did all the bits go?











Proud night but Cornwall's space launch ends in failure


It's the beginning of a new era for Cornwall's space industry




www.cornwalllive.com


----------



## angus5041

stuart little said:


>


Just to try and make it a bit clearer "knock down ginger" is also "knock and run" its an area thing, 5 miles from me its knock ,


----------



## Jameshow

Phil Pascoe said:


> Proud night but Cornwall's space launch ends in failure
> 
> 
> It's the beginning of a new era for Cornwall's space industry
> 
> 
> 
> 
> www.cornwalllive.com


Back to the pasties I guess this morning?!!


----------



## Thingybob

Noel said:


> That went well. Wonder what happened and where did all the bits go?


That gives the wife a good excuse as to where new shoes came from "you won't believe what I found in the garden this morning"


----------



## Noel

“Melissa Thorpe, head of Spaceport Cornwall, said there was a lot of hurt in the space sector as so many hopes had been pinned onto this maiden launch from Cornwall. However she insisted it was not all negative for in fact Spaceport Cornwall was still a goer.”

Still a goer…. : )

Seriously, bit of a shame really. Hope it all covered by insurance.


----------



## Phil Pascoe

Jameshow said:


> Back to the pasties I guess this morning?!!


No, bread this morning. Pasties are for Saturdays.


----------



## ian33a

Septic tank emptying tanker at the local garden centre today - you'll need to look at what is written on the side to appreciate the joke.


----------



## Jameshow

Phil Pascoe said:


> No, bread this morning. Pasties are for Saturdays.


Holiday for me...have to drive into Bude or beyond.


----------



## Phil Pascoe

You're already there.


----------



## Noel

Phil Pascoe said:


> You're already there.



In Bude or Beyond? Is there a difference?
Do you still call them Oggies?


----------



## Phil Pascoe

I don't know anyone who's ever called them oggies.


----------



## Jameshow

We holiday in Devon so Cornish pasties gave to be fetched or eaten out!!


----------



## Doug B




----------



## paulrbarnard

Phil Pascoe said:


> I don't know anyone who's ever called them oggies.


Only the Grockles


----------



## Thingybob

Phil Pascoe said:


> I don't know anyone who's ever called them oggies.


So Phil who makes the best pasties over the border the best I've had up to now is Ivor Dewdny


----------



## Phil Pascoe

paulrbarnard said:


> Only the Grockles


Emmets. We're not in Devon.


----------



## paulrbarnard

Phil Pascoe said:


> Emmets. We're not in Devon.


I lived for too long in Devon and got confused. Fortunately I still get my cream on right on a scone.


----------



## Phil Pascoe

Thingybob said:


> So Phil who makes the best pasties over the border the best I've had up to now is Ivor Dewdny


My b.i.l. is a Janner and he always favoured Dewdney's. Most of the pasties away from the tourist traps are ok, they rely on year round sales. Inland around Camborne, Redruth and Hayle they're pretty good, around Harlyn Bay up to Tintagel on the north coast they can be quite dire. I wouldn't give my dog Ginster's.


----------



## Phil Pascoe

paulrbarnard said:


> I lived for too long in Devon and got confused. Fortunately I still get my cream on right on a scone.


That's an odd one - traditionally Cornish cream teas were made with splits not scones.


----------



## Thingybob

Phil Pascoe said:


> My b.i.l. is a Janner and he always favoured Dewdney's. Most of the pasties away from the tourist traps are ok, they rely on year round sales. Inland around Camborne, Redruth and Hayle they're pretty good, around Harlyn Bay up to Tintagel on the north coast they can be quite dire. I wouldn't give my dog Ginster's.


Thanks Phil I will keep my eye out for them when we are down there this summer I suppose like drinking watch where the locals go


----------



## John Brown

Phil Pascoe said:


> Emmets. We're not in Devon.


The Cornish paradox. Hate tourists, but their economy is largely tourism based.


----------



## Jameshow

Looe has the best pasties I've tasted, several good shops. 
Head down near as to 5pm and get them reduced!!


----------



## Thingybob

Jameshow said:


> Looe has the best pasties I've tasted, several good shops.
> Head down near as to 5pm and get them reduced!!


Spoken like a true Yorkshireman


----------



## Jameshow

Thingybob said:


> Spoken like a true Yorkshireman


I'm from High Wycombe, Bucks!!


----------



## Phil Pascoe

John Brown said:


> The Cornish paradox. Hate tourists, but their economy is largely tourism based.


12% of the income.


----------



## Phil Pascoe

Jameshow said:


> Looe has the best pasties I've tasted, several good shops.
> Head down near as to 5pm and get them reduced!!


We rarely go that far north.


----------



## Jameshow

Phil Pascoe said:


> 12% of the income.


88% piracy then?!!


----------



## Phil Pascoe

Cornwall is/was notorious for wreckers, but from what I've read there is only one recorded proven incidence and that was on Anglesey. A fair amount of class "A's come in on small boats, there's a big drug problem in Penzance/Newlyn.


----------



## John Brown

Phil Pascoe said:


> 12% of the income.


Second only to agriculture.


----------



## Billy_wizz

Phil Pascoe said:


> I don't know anyone who's ever called them oggies.


Isn't that the Welsh name for them?


----------



## The_Yellow_Ardvark




----------



## Doug B




----------



## Robbo3




----------



## TRITON




----------



## Kittyhawk

TRITON said:


> View attachment 150906


But a good dollop of cholesterol though...


----------



## TRITON

Kittyhawk said:


> But a good dollop of cholesterol though...


Veganism is a life of popping pills to make up for the nutrients that that diet fails to give.
I'd rather not take chemical supplements.
Then of course we have the medical issues surrounding this type of diet. Brittle bones, anemia and possible hair loss. I can do with going a bit bald, but shattering a hip due to my diet is not something i would relish*.








Study finds vegans are more likely to break bones


Vegans are more likely to fracture a bone than those who follow a diet that is based around animal products, researchers have said. People who eat a plant-based diet are 2.3 times more likely to break a hip than meat-eaters and 43% more likely to fracture a bone in general. Veganism and type 2...




www.diabetes.co.uk





* Relish- Good on steak.


----------



## Kittyhawk

TRITON said:


> Veganism is a life of popping pills to make up for the nutrients that that diet fails to give.
> I'd rather not take chemical supplements.
> Then of course we have the medical issues surrounding this type of diet. Brittle bones, anemia and possible hair loss. I can do with going a bit bald, but shattering a hip due to my diet is not something i would relish*.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Study finds vegans are more likely to break bones
> 
> 
> Vegans are more likely to fracture a bone than those who follow a diet that is based around animal products, researchers have said. People who eat a plant-based diet are 2.3 times more likely to break a hip than meat-eaters and 43% more likely to fracture a bone in general. Veganism and type 2...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> www.diabetes.co.uk
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> * Relish- Good on steak.


True. That's why I'm not a vegetarian.
But bacon and other cured meats are processed with a truly staggering array of chemicals, all of which are responsible for a number of chronic and debilitating illnesses.


----------



## Cantungman

ian33a said:


> View attachment 150872
> 
> 
> Septic tank emptying tanker at the local garden centre today - you'll need to look at what is written on the side to appreciate the joke.


I have a photo of a tanker someone wrote in the dust on the back “No stools left in vehicle overnight “


----------



## Cantungman

Phil Pascoe said:


> Cornwall is/was notorious for wreckers, but from what I've read there is only one recorded proven incidence and that was on Anglesea. A fair amount of class "A's come in on small boats, there's a big drug problem in Penzance/Newlyn.


Yes, I’ve heard Jethro detail some of the cases that went to court. Three boys busted in Penzance for drug use were sent out by the magistrate to convince other young people to give up drugs. They were armed with a piece of card with a small circle and a large circle. 
Two weeks later the appeared in court. The first boy announced to his honour that he had convinced 17 people to quit drugs. He argues that the big circle represented the size of your heart before you used drugs. The small circle showed your heart when you use drugs. The magistrate was pleased. 
The second boy declared that he had convinced 37 people to stop using drugs. He showed them that the big circle represented your circle of friends before you used drugs. The small circle your circle of friends when you use drugs. The magistrate was very impressed. 
The third boy said that he had convinced 727 people to stop using drugs. He said that the small circle represented your butt hole when you went into prison …..


----------



## Blackswanwood




----------



## dzj




----------



## Keith Cocker

The_Yellow_Ardvark said:


> View attachment 150883



Liverpool?


----------



## stuart little

Amateur said:


> Doc. His name is Stuart Little.
> Is there anything you have to say about his condition, can he be saved?
> Well one thing is for sure.
> He won't think its funny.
> There could be hope for him even in these circumstances though.
> 
> View attachment 150708


----------



## stuart little

The_Yellow_Ardvark said:


> View attachment 150798


----------



## stuart little

Phil Pascoe said:


> My b.i.l. is a Janner and he always favoured Dewdney's. Most of the pasties away from the tourist traps are ok, they rely on year round sales. Inland around Camborne, Redruth and Hayle they're pretty good, around Harlyn Bay up to Tintagel on the north coast they can be quite dire. I wouldn't give my dog Ginster's.


What happened to Ginsters, they used to be great, but the last one I had - about 5yrs ago - was TERRIBLE, the 'filling' was a mushy mess!? I now give any pastie a miss. I doubt Mabel the cat would touch one!


----------



## stuart little

Phil Pascoe said:


> Cornwall is/was notorious for wreckers, but from what I've read there is only one recorded proven incidence and that was on Anglesea. A fair amount of class "A's come in on small boats, there's a big drug problem in Penzance/Newlyn.


Uh Phil, should not that be 'Anglesey'? 
Pardon me for being pedantic!


----------



## stuart little

Billy_wizz said:


> Isn't that the Welsh name for them?


OGGY_OGGY-OGGY!


----------



## Pineapple

stuart little said:


> OGGY_OGGY-OGGY!


OY-OY-OY !


----------



## Cozzer




----------



## Daniel2

stuart little said:


> What happened to Ginsters, they used to be great, but the last one I had - about 5yrs ago - was TERRIBLE, the 'filling' was a mushy mess!? I now give any pastie a miss. I doubt Mabel the cat would touch one!



Ginsters were indeed great, back around the end of the seventies, when it was
a small, family run business. Then they sold to what was to become the Ginsters
that we know today. True, the products are generally considered to be rubbish,
but, as a business model, it's been undeniably very successful.


----------



## Noel

Meanwhile in Padstow...


----------



## Thingybob

Jameshow said:


> I'm from High Wycombe, Bucks!!


Time for a new road map I thought Bratford were upt north , Freddy Truman land


----------



## Thingybob

Granddad what started the great war of 2023 , Well son a bunch of chippies argued over pasties ,veganism and sharpening methods threatening to end a joke thread on social media and it all escalated from there


----------



## Sachakins

Thingybob said:


> Granddad what started the great war of 2023 , Well son a bunch of chippies argued over pasties ,veganism and sharpening methods threatening to end a joke thread on social media and it all escalated from there


And when finally son, someone called them "chippies" instead of cabinet makers, it all went nuclear, and the great war of 2023 ended in a flash of sparks......


----------



## flying haggis




----------



## Phil Pascoe

Déja vu all over again.


----------



## MikeK

Maybe we should limit the joke threads to one page so everyone can see what's been posted to date.


----------



## artie

MikeK said:


> Maybe we should limit the joke threads to one page so everyone can see what's been posted to date.


How about limiting the joke threads to jokes.


----------



## Jameshow

Thingybob said:


> Time for a new road map I thought Bratford were upt north , Freddy Truman land


I'm from High Wycombe was sent to Bradford where I now reside down the road from Hutzul!


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## MikeK

artie said:


> How about limiting the joke threads to jokes.


That would require compliance from the membership.


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## Spectric

Thats no different to limiting woodworking post to woodworking subjects !


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## The_Yellow_Ardvark




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## paulrbarnard

MikeK said:


> That would require compliance from the membership.


How about a joke thread moderator? Stuart could do it and delete anything he doesn’t understand or doesn’t consider a joke


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## Geoff_S

paulrbarnard said:


> How about a joke thread moderator? Stuart could do it and delete anything he doesn’t understand or doesn’t consider a joke


Naughty


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## Sachakins

paulrbarnard said:


> How about a joke thread moderator? Stuart could do it and delete anything he doesn’t understand or doesn’t consider a joke


They'd all be deleted


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## Lazarus




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