# Jokes



## DomValente (10 Sep 2007)

A man sitting at a bar at Heathrow Airport noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him. 
He thought to himself: "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an off duty air hostess. But which airline does she work for?" 
Hoping to make her acquaintance, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan: "Love to fly and it shows?" She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself: "Damn, she doesn't work for Delta." 

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?" She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list 
Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: "Smooth as Silk." 
This time the woman turned on him, "What the hell do you want?" 

The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said: " Ahhhhh, Ryanair"


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## Gill (12 Sep 2007)

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. (Remember, he's a German Pope.)

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license -- and my job!" moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimd," All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: " The Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "The President?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious,

"What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur."


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## ByronBlack (12 Sep 2007)

absolute quality!! Love both of them.. really brightened up my day


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## Anonymous (14 Sep 2007)

A young boy was doing very badly in his maths lessons. His parents had tried everything to help: private tutors, mentors, special learning centres, everything they could think of to help him improve. 
Finally, in a last ditch effort they took him down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. 
After the first day, the little boy came home with a very serious look on his face. Instead of turning the television on he went straight to his room and started studying. His mother was amazed. A couple of hours later she called him down to dinner, and to her shock, the minute he was done he marched back to his room without a word and hit the books as hard as before. 
This went on for some time, day after day while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, the little boy brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room, and hit the books. His mother nervously opened the report card and jumped for joy: her little boy had finally got an 'A' in maths! 
She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" 
The little boy looked at her and shook his head, "No Mummy." 
"Well, then," she replied, "Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?" 
The little boy looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign and I knew then they weren't screwing around."


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## keithhickson (17 Sep 2007)

Poor old Robert, won the lottery and bought his pride and joy, a British Racing Green Aston Martin DB9, sadly he was so thrilled when it arrived he suffered a heart attack and passed away.
Upon finding himself outside the Pearly Gates obviously upset he was asked by St Peter as to what the problem was. Having explained about the lottery and getting his car but never being able to drive it St Peter said that it was not a problem and his car appeared beside him. 
"Don't worry about speed limits here Robert" said St Peter "There aren't any" 
Two days later a very irate Robert accosts St Peter "I've just been stopped for speeding, you said there wasn't a speed limit!" 
"What did he look like" asked St Peter....."Well", said Robert " He was dressed all in white, with a long white beard and white crash helmet, riding on a white motorbike with flashing red and blue lights, he stopped me and gave me a ticket!"

"Oh don't mind him, that's God he just thinks he's a Traffic Cop"


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## DomValente (26 Sep 2007)

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new 
husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. 
In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. 

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more 
than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to 
afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed. 

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find 
her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, 
he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate 
downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 
59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what 
he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined. 

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty 
years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly$1 million. Then she 
showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth 
over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest 
depositors in the bank. 

She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" 
him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results 
of her savings and investments. 

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, 
her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he 
found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were 
doing, I would have given you all my business!" 

That's when she shot him. 

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their 
mouths shut.


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## Paul Chapman (26 Sep 2007)

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


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## andys wood shed (27 Sep 2007)

DRUNK PEOPLE 

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, 
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. 

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" 
He slams the door and returns to bed. 

"Who was that?" asked his wife. 

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. 

"Did you help him?" she asks. 

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!" 

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember 
about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? 
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!" 

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. 

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" 

"Yes," comes back the answer. 

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. 

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. 

"Where are you?" asks the husband. 

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.


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## iajon69 (27 Sep 2007)

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was 
determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she 
placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided 
to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house 
than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot 
about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing 
very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job, and 
the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The 
hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.

He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the room, he found the 
rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now, take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her 
boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her 
eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told 
and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town 
again, you're fired!"


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## herdsman (27 Sep 2007)

An elderly couple walk into the doctor's surgery, 'How can I help?' asked the doctor. 'Well' said the lady, 'it is a delicate matter but our sex life is not like it used to be'. 'Don't worry' said the doctor handing her a prescription, 'Stir this into his coffee, it should help'.

Two weeks later the elderly couple return to the surgery looking very sad. 'What is the problem' asked the doctor, 'didn't the prescription work?'.

'Oh, yes' said the lady. 'I stirred it into my husband's coffee as instructed, he instantly tore off his clothes and then he tore off mine and then he took me on the table, it was the best ever!!!'

'So what is the problem' asked the doctor......the lady replied 'we'll never be able to show our faces in Macdonald's again'.


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## RogerM (4 Oct 2007)

My daughter sent me these in an email. Well, I liked them! Particularly finding "x".


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## brianhabby (4 Oct 2007)

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. 

Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice "I'd like to try the bet." 

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, what?" 

The man replied, "I'm an IRS Agent."


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## woodbloke (4 Oct 2007)

Rog - going to have to send that to my lad doing a maths degree...cracking :lol: - Rob


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## Paul Chapman (4 Oct 2007)

Really enjoyed those, Roger  

Cheers :wink: 

Paul


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## Jaco (6 Oct 2007)

South African joke

Koos (Paddy) was walking through his veld (fields) one day when he
spots someone drinking water from a pool. 

He shouts, "Moenie die water drink nie, dis vol skaap kak". 
Translation - (don't drink the water, it is full of sheep s-h-i-t)

The other guy says, "I'm a Kiwi mate, speak English!" 

Koos replies, "Use both hands, you get more that way".


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## Woodmagnet (6 Oct 2007)

:lol: :lol: :lol:


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## Jaco (9 Oct 2007)

What is the difference between the Aussies, the All Blacks and 1 half of a Viagra????

Well, with the half Viagra you will at least get a 'semi'!

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


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## Jaco (14 Oct 2007)

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.


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## Jaco (14 Oct 2007)

Ahmed and Hamed


Ahmed and Hamid are both beggars in London.


Ahmed drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot
of money to spend.

Hamid only brings in 2 to 3 pounds a day.
Hamid asks Ahmed how he manages to bring home a suitcase full of £10
notes every day.


Ahmed says, "Look at your sign - It says, 'I have no work, a wife and
six kids to support.'

Britons who see that do not feel as if they have accomplished anything
by giving you money.
You will still have no job and a large family.


Now look at my sign."

So Hamid looks at Ahmed's sign which reads, " I only need another £10
to go back to Pakistan."


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## Jaco (14 Oct 2007)

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization.



“Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well, 'he explained, "The restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."


:lol: :lol:


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## Jaco (14 Oct 2007)

That's Golfers for you !

Dave had a week off and decided to play golf every day. Monday morning, he found himself paired with an attractive woman, Pat, who turned out to be a very good golfer.

They started with a few casual bets, but by the back nine it was a full-blown competition. On the 18th green, Pat sank her long birdie putt for the win. Dave congratulated her and paid off his losses. Pat asked for a ride home and, on the way, told him, "You know, Dave, I haven't enjoyed myself so much on the golf course in a long time. In fact, pull over so I can express my appreciation."

He did, they kissed, and one thing led to another and soon she gave him the best oral s-- he'd ever had.

The next morning, they met again on the first tee and played together again. They had another magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and playing tight, competitive golf.

Again Pat beat him, but she also showed her appreciation on the drive home. This went on all week, with Dave narrowly losing every day, his male ego bruised, but not unhappy.

On Friday's drive home, Dave said, "Pat, you've been great to be with all this week and tonight I'd like to return the favour. I made reservations at the best restaurant in town for us and reserved the penthouse suite at the best hotel. What do you say?"

Pat burst into tears. "I can't!"

"What? Why not?" asked Dave.

"Because," she sobbed, "I'm in the middle of a sex change and the doctor hasn't completed that part of me yet!"

"What?!" Aghast, Dave swerved off the road, screeched to a stop and cursed madly, overcome with emotion.

"I'm so sorry," says Pat. "You have a right to be angry with me."

"You b*****d!" Dave screamed, his face bright red. "You cheating b*****! All week long you've been playing off the women's tees!!"


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## Steve Maskery (15 Oct 2007)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=T4fwJbOA7eA


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## Jaco (16 Oct 2007)

:lol: :lol: :lol: 
:lol: :lol: :lol:


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## CHJ (23 Oct 2007)

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.

The wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"


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## Pip (26 Oct 2007)

Bill and Tom are two men working at the local sawmill. One day Bill slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Tom quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill to the local hospital.
Next day, Tom goes to the hospital and asks after Bill. The nurse says, 'Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'. Tom couldn't believe it, but here's Bill out the back exercising his now reattached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.
Couple of days go by, and then Bill slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw thing. So Tom puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill off to hospital. 
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. 
The nurse replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising. And sure enough, here's Bill out there doing some serious work on the treadmill.
And Bill comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head. Wearily Tom puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Bill to hospital. 
Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Bill is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, 'He's dead.'
Tom is shocked, but not surprised. 'I suppose the saw finally did him in.'
'No,' says the nurse, 'Some dopey p*****k put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.'


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## brianhabby (27 Oct 2007)

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


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## p111dom (31 Oct 2007)

Hope I get away with this one!

A woman gets invited to an Ann Summers party where her friends convince her that she need to get herself a vibrator. The next day she sheepishly enters the local sex shop and asks the man behind the counter if they have any. 

"Of course madam, they range in price from £10 to £180"says the man

"£180!" exclaims the woman "what can it possibly do to justify that kind of money."

The man reaches up high on the top shelf and brings down a pink box with large blue writing on it saying 'THE MAGIC VIBRATOR'

"Well madam" says the salesman "this is it the magic vibrator. It's the best on the market and straight from Japan"

"Ok" says the woman sarcastically. "but whats magic about it?"

"Watch this" says the salesman placing the box at the far end of the counter. "MAGIC VIBRATOR" he shouts "OUT OF YOUR BOX!" 
In a flash the box flies open and out jumps the vibrator. "MAGIC VIBRATOR......MASSAGE NY HAND!" commands the man. The vibrator buzzes it's way along the counter and as commanded, starts to massage the mans hand. "MAGIC VIBRATOR....BACK IN YOUR BOX!" Again the vibrator dances back along the counter and puts itself away in it's box.

"That's incredible" gasps the woman "I'll take it!" 

All the way home the woman can't wait to try it out. On closing the front door she runs upstairs to the bedroom ripping her clothes off on the way. Placing the box at the foot of the bed she quickly lies on the bed and shouts "MAGIC VIBRATOR....OUT OF YOUR BOX!". The box springs open and out jumps the vibrator. "MAGIC VIBRATOR...DO YOUR STUFF!"she commands and the vibrator obliges. 

Several minutes later she hears the front door slam. Realising her husband has come home early she quickly says "MAGIC VIBRATOR...BACK IN YOUR BOX!" The machine does as it's told. The husband seeing he clothes on the stairs suspects the worst. In a rage he storms up the stairs and bursts through the door to find his wife spread naked on the bed still panting and sweating. "YOU'VE GOT A MAN IN HERE HAVEN'T YOU" rages the husband " No no" says the wife "you don't understand...it's a magic vibrator" The husband shouts "MAGIC VIBRATOR MY ASRE!"
:wink:


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## mickster (31 Oct 2007)

Little Jonny's mother was cleaning his room one day when she found a bondage/s&m magazine in his closet. 

She hides it until her husband comes home, at which point she hands it to him, exclaming,"This is what I found in Little Jonny's closet today." 

He hands it back to her is disbelief. 

She asks him, several minutes later, "what are we going to do?"

To which he responds, "well we sure as hell aren't going to spank him!"


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## mickster (31 Oct 2007)

Q. How do you get 50 old ladies to say the F word? 


A. Shout "Bingo".


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## mickster (31 Oct 2007)

George Bush was sat in the oval office one day when his commander in chief came running in.

"Sir!"

"Yes Commander?"

"It's terrible Sir, four Brazilian soldiers have just been killed in Iraq, its a public relations nightmare..."

"I can see that commander, now remind me again - How many's a Brazilian?"


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## mickster (31 Oct 2007)

A man loses his leg in a mining accident. After coming round from the anaesthetic, he looks under the covers and exclaims "thats it...I've had it now...who'd want a one legged gold digger?" 

Walking past the room on a celebrity visit to the hospital, Paul McCartney pops his head round the door and says "Me!"


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## mickster (31 Oct 2007)

A Scotsman, an Englishman, a hot blonde and a fat chick get on the underground. They go into a tunnel and the lights go out, and suddenly they all hear a loud slap. 

When the lights come on, the Englishman has a big red handprint on his face. 

The blonde thinks: " Oh, the Englishman must have made a move for me, but fondled that fat woman by mistake and she slapped him" . 

The fat woman thinks: " Hmm, that Englishman tried to put the moves on that blonde and got slapped. Good for her." 

The Englishman thinks: " Hey, that Scotsman must have went for the blonde, and she slapped me by mistake! " 

The Scotsman thinks: " Boy, I hope we go through another tunnel, so I can wallop that English w**ker again " .


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## herdsman (31 Oct 2007)

Pip":38dnay0s said:


> Bill and Tom are two men working at the local sawmill. One day Bill slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Tom quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill to the local hospital.
> Next day, Tom goes to the hospital and asks after Bill. The nurse says, 'Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'. Tom couldn't believe it, but here's Bill out the back exercising his now reattached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.
> Couple of days go by, and then Bill slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw thing. So Tom puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill off to hospital.
> Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.
> ...


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## Calpol (31 Oct 2007)

Haha, that's very good


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## Russell (1 Nov 2007)

A woman was in town on a shopping trip.

She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her Husband's condition.

The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!"

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed...........

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. What did you buy?"


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## mickster (1 Nov 2007)

^^^LOL!


A biker stops by the local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed.
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. 

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil.

He then stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem:
how to carry all of his purchases home. 

While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. 

She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" 

The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot" 

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" 

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. 

On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley, we'll be there in no time." 

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?" 

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" 

The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens....."


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## mickster (3 Nov 2007)

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his first mate: "Bring me my red shirt!" The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party.

Although some minor casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were quickly repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed: "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on. The captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when a young ensign looked at the captain and asked: "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battles?" The captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted: "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the captain, their leader, for his usual command. The first mate half-turned as he ran to the captain's cabin and asked, "Sir, shall I get your red shirt?".

The captain, calm as ever, bellowed: "No, bring me my brown trousers!"


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## llangatwgnedd (3 Nov 2007)

:lol: :lol: :lol:


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## Argee (4 Nov 2007)

Apologies if this has been posted before, but I couldn't find it.

Sir Alex Ferguson hears that there's a brilliant young footballer in Iraq, but is nervous about going there. A friend sets him up with a movie makeup artist, so that even his own family wouldn't recognise him and with a couple of suitable minders, off he goes.

He watches the young footballer covertly and without a doubt he's brilliant. After a short negotiation, he signs him up.

Several weeks later and Man U are playing at home. They're 4-0 down with 18 minutes to go. With nothing to lose, Sir Alex puts the young Iraqi on. He scores within the first minute of being on the pitch. At the re-start, he makes the second goal with a brilliant pass onto the head of a striker. During the remaining 15 minutes, he than scores a hat-trick. Man U win 5-4, the young Iraqi is declared man of the match and is shouldered around the ground for half an hour by the delighted fans.

On returning to the dressing room, he rings his mother. _"I've just played my first professional game for the world-famous Manchester United football club, Mum," _he says. _"I was sent on with 18 minutes left and we were 4-0 down. I scored four goals and made another one. We won 5-4, I was declared man of the match and shouldered around the pitch for half an hour. I thought that you'd like to know."_

_"Oh,"_ she replied, _"let me tell you about my day. Your dear father has been shot and wounded - not once, but twice. The house has been invaded and is now picked clean and your two sisters and I have all been badly beaten. How do you feel now?"_

_"Well, I know it's nowhere near adequate, Mother,"_ he said, _"but I'm so sorry."

"Ah," _she replied, _"you're sorry - then that's OK. *YOU'RE SORRY?? *May I remind you that *YOU* are the reason we're *in *Manchester in the first place!"_


----------



## Woodmagnet (4 Nov 2007)

:lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## Saintsman (5 Nov 2007)

A cat lover was walking past a pet shop one day and saw a cat advertised as an 'Amsterdam' cat.

"Strange", he thought, "I've heard of Siamese and Bengal but never Amsterdam. Seeking more information, he went into the shop and asked the owner:

"How Dutch is that moggie in the window?"


----------



## Calpol (5 Nov 2007)

Customer: "is this bug spray good for wasps?"
Shopkeeper: "no, it kills them"


----------



## mickster (6 Nov 2007)

A young man was walking along the High Street, where upon he passed a horologist's store.

Through the front window, he noticed an exceptionally attractive blonde behind the sales desk and felt compelled to meet her acquaintance.

He turned back, entered the door, approached the desk and placed his manhood on the counter-top.

Following the initial shock, the saleswoman gathered her thoughts and exclaimed "Sir, you do know that this is a clock & watch-maker's shop, don't you?"

To which the young man replied...

"Yes, and I would like two hands & a face on this, as soon as possible please."


----------



## herdsman (7 Nov 2007)

A guy came down stairs in the morning to find his wife preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.He walked in; She turned and said, You've got to make love to me this very moment.'His eyes lit up and he thought, 'This is my lucky day.'Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all;Right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said,'Thanks,'and returned to the stove. Exhausted and dressing himself the man paused, he asked,'What was that all about?'She explained,'The egg timer's broken.'


----------



## cumbrian (15 Nov 2007)

A Bristol senior citizen drove his brand new BMW convertible out of the car showroom. Heading off down the M4, he floored it to 90 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. 

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the Motorway, enjoying pressing the accelerator even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren wailing. 

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 110mph, then 120, then 130mph. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm going away for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman"


----------



## mickster (15 Nov 2007)

In between performances at the theatre, the usher walks down the aisles and checks that nobody is trying to get another show for free. When she reaches row H6, she notices a man sprawled across three seats. She tells the man to leave, but he just mumbles and stays put, so she goes to get the manager.

"Sir," says the manager, "if you don't move I'm going to call the police!"

The man mumbles again and stays put. The police are called.

"Excuse me Sir," asks the police officer, "what's your name?"

"Dave." whispers the man.

"And where are you from Dave?" asks the police officer.

Dave replies "The balcony"


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## mickster (15 Nov 2007)

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard the front door being opened by her husband.

"Quickly," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over her lover, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move, just pretend you're a statue." she instructed.

"What's this Honey?" the husband asked as he walked into the bedroom.

"Oh Darling, it's a new statue, the Smiths got one for their bedroom the other week." replied the wife.



Nothing more on the subject was said, even when they retired for the night.

Around 3AM the husband got out of bed leaving his wife sleeping soundly, went to the kitchen, then returned with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like a fool for 3 days at the Smiths and nobody offered me so much as a sip of water!"


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## mickster (15 Nov 2007)

A young man goes into a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. The waiter brings it to him and just as he's ready to enjoy his meal, the Maitre D' comes running over and says:

"I'm terribly sorry Sir, but I'm afraid there has been a big mistake with your meal. You see that Police Officer stting three tables to your left? He's a regular customer of ours and orders the same dish each time he comes. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house, so I'm going to have to take it for him and arrange for you to have something different from the menu."

The young man, however, declines this proposal and refuses to give up his meal, so the Maitre D' walks over to the Police Officer and explains the situation.

The Police Officer walks up to the young man's table and says:

"Now sonny, listen and listen good! THAT IS MY CHICKEN YOU ARE ABOUT TO EAT. I WARN YOU THAT WHATEVER YOU DO TO THAT CHICKEN, I'LL DO THE SAME TO YOU. YOU BREAK OFF A WING, I'LL BREAK OFF YOUR ARM. YOU PULL OFF A LEG AND I'LL PULL OFF ONE OF YOURS. DO....YOU....UNDERSTAND....ME??"

The young man looks calmly at the Police Officer, then at the chicken. He smiles at the Police officer, sticks his finger into the chicken's backside, pulls it out and licks it........


----------



## Javier (15 Nov 2007)

I once met this tall native american who would stand at the corner 
of my street. Everytime a gorgeous lady would pass by he would raise his hand and say 
in his deep, stoic voice, "chance". I watched him all day. A gorgeous, blond, brunette, 
red head,etc you name it would walk by him and he'd simply say "chance". I finally got the courage 
to ask him why instead of saying "How" he would say "chance". He turned to me and 
said, "Me know how, me just want chance." hehehehe you get it?


----------



## RogerM (19 Nov 2007)

Bill and Fred are keen golfers, both aged over 90. One day Bill complains to Fred 

" I can hit the ball fine, but with my eyesight I can't see where it has gone. Can you watch to see where it goes?"

So Bill addresses the ball and drives it nicely down the fairway. "Did you see where it went?" he asked Fred. 

"Yep - certainly did" said Fred.

"Ummm - so where is it?" said Bill

Fred pauses - "Errr - I can't remember!"


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## Pip (19 Nov 2007)

Supposedly an actual letter
Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service 

Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Leith police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Leith by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or ouji board. 

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in West Cromwell Street which is just off Commercial Street in Leith. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon. 

The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on its side between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen. 

What I suggest is this. after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like. 

I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me. 

I remain sir, your obedient servant 

????????? 




Mr ??????, 

I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police. 

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you. 

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable. 

Regards 

PC ??? 
????????????? 
Community Beat Officer 



Dear PC ????? 

First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Leith Police station and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book. 

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own community beat officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills. In the five or so years I have lived in West Cromwell Street, I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5. 

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Leith such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these ***** that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere. The pitch behind the Citadel or the one at DKs are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Albert Dock. 

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on ??? ????. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Compass Bar. 

Regards 

??????? 

P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the cleansing department 
********************************************************


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## Pip (19 Nov 2007)

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa . "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" 


< 
< 
< 
< 
< 
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."


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## mickster (19 Nov 2007)

To continue RogerM's golfing joke theme:

Two best friends of about equal handicap, decide to play a round of golf to see who is the better player.

They agree that they must play the ball as it lies.

They play the front nine even and on the 10th, the first player hits a good drive down the fairway and the second hits his in the woods.

As they pull up to the ball in the woods, they find it sitting on the cart path.

"I get a drop, right?" asks the unfortunate player.

His friend then reminds him as he gets out to go to his ball that they agreed to play the ball as it lies.

As he gets to the green, he looks back and sees a shower of sparks come from the woods and the ball ends up just inches from the hole.

As the second guy gets to the green his friend says, "Nice shot, what did you hit it with?"

The second man says, "Your 6-iron."


----------



## brianhabby (19 Nov 2007)

A visitor to a mental institution asked the director how he decided which patients should be kept in. The director said: "We fill up a bath, then offer the patient a teaspoon, teacup or a bucket and ask them to empty the bathtub." The visitor said "Oh, I see, a normal person would choose the bucket, because it's the biggest."

The director said "No, a normal person would pull the plug out. Would you like a bed near the window?"


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## Pip (20 Nov 2007)

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smouldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was ploughing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor.
"Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"
"Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly.
"Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?"
"Yep. Sure do."
"Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped.
"Nope. They all died straight out." The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning."
"George Bush, The President of the United States is dead?" The agent gulped in disbelief.
"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. "He kept saying he wasn't... but you know what a liar he is".


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## woodshavings (6 Dec 2007)

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the

pearly gates.

"In honour of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each 

possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.

He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.

He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and 

finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked.

Just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."


----------



## mickster (6 Dec 2007)

Paddy and Murphy were in a two seater bi-plane, Paddy in the front seat & Murphy in the rear.

They had been flying for a while when Murphy tapped Paddy on the shoulder.

Paddy turned around and Murphy shouted "IF THE PLANE TURNS UPSIDE-DOWN, WILL WE FALL OUT?"

Paddy shouted back "I WOULDN'T THINK SO, WE'VE BEEN MATES FOR YEARS!"  






Paddy had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night, celebrating St Patrick's Day.

Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy."

Paddy replies, "Ok Mick, I'll be on my way then."

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off.

He falls flat on his face.

"Sh*t" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face.

"Sh*t!" He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.

He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face again.

"Bi'Jesus... I'm ferkin' ferked," he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says "No ferkin' way", but he crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed."

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Ferk it" and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?". 

Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was ferkin' p****d. But how'd you know?"

"Mick phoned... You left your wheelchair at the pub!"


----------



## llangatwgnedd (17 Dec 2007)

Recent reports indicate the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of improving. If anything, it's getting worse, following last week's news that the Origami Bank had folded, it was learned today that the Sumo bank had gone belly-up. Bonsai Bank plans to cut some of its branches, and the Karaoke Bank is up for sale, and going for a song. Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived, and 500 jobs at Karate Bank will be chopped. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.


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## Woodmagnet (17 Dec 2007)

All of these jokes are great, thanks for the laugh everyone. :lol:


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## Pip (18 Dec 2007)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!" 



2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."



3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother." 



4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew." 



5. US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"



6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it." 



7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard! 



8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after getting a 69 yesterday." 



9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this." c



10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."



11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts." 



12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."


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## Pip (18 Dec 2007)

Paddy: "I've never been lucky in Love, I've been married twice and both of my Wives died !"

Murphy: "What happened ?"

Paddy: "My first wife died from eating poisoned mushrooms"

Murphy: "...that's terrible, and the second ?"

Paddy: "The second died from a fractured Skull"

Murphy: "How did she get that ?"

Paddy: "She wouldn't eat her Mushrooms !"


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## Pip (18 Dec 2007)

The school bus arrived back at the depot after its afternoon run dropping children off. The driver, as usual, began to make an inspection in case any children had left bags or coats or anything behind. As he made his way to the top deck he could hear sobbing coming from upstairs and as he reached the last step he could see a little boy with his head in his hands.
He approached the little fellow and quietly said, “Now then son, what’s the matter?”
The boy raised his head and said, “I’ve lost my little green ball.”
“Well, when did you last have it,” said the driver.
“A few minutes ago,” said the boy, “I was playing with it and it fell out of my hand and now I can’t find it,” and he resumed his crying.
“OK. That’s no problem. I’ll help you look for it,” and with that the two of them began to search the bus from top to bottom.
After some considerable time they had still not found the ball so the driver puts his arm around the boy’s shoulders and says, “I’m sorry son, we’ve looked everywhere but there’s just no trace of your little green ball. Maybe it has rolled off when the doors were open.”
“Th…that’s OK,” said the lad who was still quite tearful, and as he stuck his finger up his nose he said, “I’ll just have to roll another one.”


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## Pip (31 Dec 2007)

A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his cows frozen solid. 
As far as the eye can see the cows, are motionless like statues. 
It had been a bitterly cold night, but he'd never thought anything like this would happen. 
The realisation of the situation then dawned on him. 
With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage? 
He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his impending poverty 
Just then, an elderly woman walked by, 'What's the matter?' asked the old lady. 
The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to the woman 
Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud. 
One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals 
The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment for her deed 
She declined his offer and walked off across the field.

A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer. 
'You know who that was don't you?' asked the passer-by 
'No' said the farmer 'who?'







Wait for it!!















'That was Thora Hird.'

I'll shut the door behind me
pip


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## BradNaylor (1 Jan 2008)

Pip":2y5s0hlp said:


> 10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."



My favourite snooker one is the classic by Ted Lowe;

'Fred Davis, too old now to get his leg over, uses his left hand instead!'


----------



## Blister (1 Jan 2008)

Theres the one from many years ago , when colour TV first arrived 

Snooker again 

" He now needs the last red , for those watching in black and white , Its the one behind the blue "


----------



## BradNaylor (1 Jan 2008)

Or the cricket one from the seventies when Peter Willey played for England against a West Indian team featuring Michael Holding.

The commentator (John Arlott I think) couldn't resist it;

The batsman's Holding...

...the bowler's Willey.


----------



## Woodmagnet (1 Jan 2008)

Lillee, caught Dilley, bowled Willey.
I think it was that anyway. :lol:


----------



## Travis Byrne (4 Jan 2008)

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. 

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. 

And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. 

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian" 

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. 

His son is also at the table, eating. 

Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?" 
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door." 

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??" 

His son replies, "Oh THAT...Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried t o take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!" 

Broken Coffee Table $239.99 

Hot Breakfast $4.20 

Two Aspirins $.38 

Saying the right thing, at the right time...PRICELESS


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## NickWelford (4 Jan 2008)

Dan Tovey":36cc9fjj said:


> Or the cricket one from the seventies when Peter Willey played for England against a West Indian team featuring Michael Holding.
> 
> The commentator (John Arlott I think) couldn't resist it;
> 
> ...



Brian Johnston, IIRC. (According to Henry Blofeld, that is)


----------



## Pip (3 Feb 2008)

1. LOG ON: Makin a wood stove hotter. 

2. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood. 

3. MONITOR: Keepin an eye on the wood stove. 

4. DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk. 

5. MEGA HERTZ: When yer not kerful gettin the farwood. 

6. FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood. 

7. RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood. 

8. HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time. 

9. PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time. 

10. WINDOWS: Whut to shut wen it's cold outside. 

11. SCREEN: Whut to shut wen it's blak fly season. 

12. BYTE: Whut them dang flys do. 

13. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV. 

14. MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag. 

15. MODEM: Whut cha did to the hay fields. 

16. DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife. 

17. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps. 

18. KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys. 

19. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs. 

20. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn. 

21. MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof. 

22. PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine 

23. ENTER: Northerner talk fer "C'mon in y'all" 

24. RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: Wen ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks. 

25. MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole


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## Pip (4 Feb 2008)

Two London businessmen were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. 
As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling." 
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Yorkshireman walked to the window, had a peek and in a broad Yorkshire accent asked, "What tha sellin' 'ere then?" 
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ar5eholes"
Without skipping a beat, the Yorkshireman said, "Thas doing well, Thas only got two left!"


----------



## soundaz (4 Feb 2008)

The Reason Why I Fired My Secretary

Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say “Happy Birthday,” and probably have a present for me.

She didn't even say “Good Morning,” alone any “Happy Birthday.” I thought, “Well, that's wives for you. Maybe the children will remember.”

The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, “Good morning boss, Happy Birthday.” And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.

I worked until noon. Then Janet knocked on my door and said, “You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me.” I said, “By George, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go.”

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, “You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?” I said, “No, I guess not.” She said, “Let's go to my apartment.” After arriving at her apartment she said, “Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.”

“Sure,” I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. All were singing “Happy Birthday” and there on the couch I sat... naked.


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## RogerM (5 Feb 2008)

My favourite cricketing story was told by Freddy Truman on Parkinson quite a few years ago, and he swore that it was true because he was there. It involved Joel Garner, the West Indian fast bowler, who at 6ft 9ins is the tallest player ever to have played test Cricket. 

Apparantly when he was playing for Somerset the players attended a Corporate Hospitality event to raise funds for the club. A young woman sidled up to him and said "Hey Mr Garner - just how tall are you?"

"six foot nine ma'm".

"Wow that's really tall." and then with a mischievous giggle. " and is everything about you in the same proportion?"

Quick as a flash Garner replied "No ma'm. Otherwise I'd be nine foot two!"


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## Russell (11 Feb 2008)

When Tony Blair left Downing Street, Mrs B put a sealed letter addressed to Gordon Brown on the kitchen table.

Gordon came skipping in, saw the envelope and opened it. It contained one sheet of paper, on which he saw written the following characters:

370H-SSV-0773H

"Jings" said he, and sent it to GCHQ. Several days later, a minion came round:

"Err, excuse me, Prime Minister, but we think you were holding the paper upside down".


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## Slim (11 Feb 2008)

:lol: :lol: :lol:


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## Pip (14 Feb 2008)

A couple of mates, (Jimmy Norfolk and Andy Good), decided to go into show bizz as a comedy duo, unfortunately they didn't get much exposure and audiences were very small, I think it may have had something to do with their billing,
NORFOLK 'n GOOD.


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## Russell (14 Feb 2008)

A elderly couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says,"I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98, the Hilton charges $239, we do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medibank."



But Wait, there's MORE!!



The love story of Ralph and Edna.

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his
bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"


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## Digit (14 Feb 2008)

A Jewish business man is attending a dinner when the guest to his left admires his wristwatch. 
The business man lifts his arm and smiles sadly. 
'Yes,' he agreed, 'It's beauty isn't it? It belonged to a very dear friend of mine who died recently.' 
The guest commiserated as the business man went on. 
'I heard the end was near so I went along to pay my respects and to sit with him for a while. Then he turned to me and said, "Abram my boy, I know you've always liked my watch, so the time is now," and he took the watch from his wrist......and sold it to me!' 
The guest looked very embarrassed and the business man just smiled. 
'Actually it was the only time I got the better of him in a deal........I gave him a cheque!' 

Roy.


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## Russell (16 Feb 2008)

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Morris about enlarging her tiny breasts.

Dr. Morris advised her, "Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say,

"Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

She did this faithfully for several months and it worked!

She grew terrific D-cup boobs!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.

Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said,

"Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked, "Are you, by any chance, a patient of Dr. Morris?”

"Why, yes I am . . . . .

How did you know?"

He leaned closer, winked and whispered,

" Hickory dickory doc.........


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## Digit (16 Feb 2008)

A man appears before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St.Peter wants to know.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the man suggested. 'On a trip to the Black Hills of South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I shouted, 'Now, leave her, or I'll kick the dung out of all of you!'
St. Peter looks impressed. 'When did all this happen?'
'Couple of minutes ago.'

Roy.


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## Russell (18 Feb 2008)

Understanding Engineers - Take one

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus where one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike,threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."


Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes !"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello, George! What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"


Understanding Engineers - Take Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.


Understanding Engineers - Take Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"


Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.


Understanding Engineers - Take Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."


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## Digit (18 Feb 2008)

The CIA finds that it has an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the
circumstances. Inside that room you will find your wife sitting in a chair....Kill her!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
"This damn gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."


----------



## Pip (27 Feb 2008)

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching himself, and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.
He did and shortly returned to his class.
Suddenly there was a commotion at the back of the classroom. 
The teacher went back to investigate only to find him sitting there at his desk with his penis hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your Mom!" she said.
"I did," he said, "and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."


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## les chicken (12 Mar 2008)

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.



She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.



The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'



The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.



Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'



The woman said, 'That's okay.'



For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.



The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.



The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me.'



So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!



For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.



The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.'



The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.'



So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!



The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild heart attack.'



Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.



Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.



Male readers :
Please scroll down.








The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.



Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.





Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.



PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen...now run along and put the kettle on, there's a love.


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## Slim (12 Mar 2008)

:lol: Nice one :lol:


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## herdsman (12 Mar 2008)




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## gwaithcoed (13 Mar 2008)

An Irish Ghost Story

This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it
sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, its true!!!!!

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the
road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big
storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so
strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he
saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate
for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and
closed the door.. only to realise there was nobody behind the
wheel and the engine wasn't on.

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and
saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for
his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared
out of no where through the window and turned the wheel. John,
paralysed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window,
but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the
road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to
it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling
everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying
and....wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the
dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of
breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar,
one said to the other...


“Look Paddy there’s the bloody silly person that jumped in the car while we were pushing the bloody thing”

Alan.


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## Pip (15 Mar 2008)

Mick runs into the pub and shouts "Paddy, somebody's just pinched your car"
Paddy asks "Did you see who it was?"
Mick replies "No, but I got the registration number"

I'll shut the door behind me!


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## Digit (18 Mar 2008)

As we're on Irish jokes,

An Irishman is sitting at a bar in New York City and looks at his watch
several times in the space of a few minutes.
The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, 'Is your date running
late?'
'No,' he replies, 'I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just
testing it.'
The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special
about it?'
The Irishman explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me
telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies, 'Well, it must be broken because I am
wearing panties!'
The Irishman smirks, taps his watch and says, 'Bloody thing's running
about an hour fast. Can I buy you a drink?


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## gwaithcoed (18 Mar 2008)

Fellow decides to commit suicide,wifes left him ,lost his job, house has been reposessed and he's just had his car stolen.
So after downing half a bottle of whisky he staggers to a bridge over a 100ft deep gorge intending to jump.
He climbs the parapet and sits on the ledge where he falls asleep.
Next thing he knows someone is shaking him and telling him to wake up.
He opens his eyes and sees this geogeous blonde who is asking him what he's doing.
When he tells her he is going to jump she replies "Oh no your not ,you're coming with me, I'll look after you."
She leads him to her car and drives him back to her house. There she gets him into a hot bath and afterwards as they sat on the couch she tells him it's time for bed. 
"Do I sleep on the couch ?" he asked
"No she replied you're coming to bed with me"
They get into bed but he's still very puzzled and lies with his back to her.
" don't be like that " she said "everything is going to be alright, roll over"
He rolled over and fell the 100ft into the gorge.

Alan.


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## brianhabby (20 Mar 2008)

Some men in a pickup truck drove to a lumber yard.

One of the men walked into the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.

He returned shortly and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four."

"All right. How long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a moment and said, "I'd better go check."

After a while, he returned to the office and said, -

"A long time. We're gonna build a house..."

regards

Brian


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## BradNaylor (20 Mar 2008)

Did you hear about Paul McCartney buying Heather Mills a plane for her birthday?





He bought her a Ladyshave for the other leg...


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## Slim (20 Mar 2008)

Dan Tovey":39vv9md4 said:


> Did you hear about Paul McCartney buying Heather Mills a plane for her birthday?
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Oooo... Not very PC... but very funny! :lol:


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## hobbler (21 Mar 2008)

A man boarded a plane at Sydney airport, and taking his seat as 
he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the 
aircraft. 

He realised she was heading straight towards his seat, and 
bingo! 
she took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, 
he blurted out, "Business trip or holiday?" 

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm 
going 
to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in the United States ." 

The man swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he 
had 
ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for 
nymphomaniacs! 

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's 
your business role at this convention?" 

"Lecturer", she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some 
of the popular myths about sexuality." 

"Really?" he smiled, "What myths are those?" 

"Well", she explained, "one popular myth is that 
African-American men are the most well-endowed, when, in fact, it's 
the 
Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. 
Another 
popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it 
is 
the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential 
lovers in all categories are the Irish." 

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm 
sorry", she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I 
don't even know your name!" 

"Tonto", the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos ... but my friends 
call me Paddy."


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## RATWOOD (21 Mar 2008)

Poor old macca

It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife
are facing divorce, and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes
about her false leg. Personally, I think it's prosthetic.

News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his
wife Heather Mills-McCartney. Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be
distraught over the split. 'He has been my crutch for so long!' She said
in an earlier briefing, 'I have no idea why this has happened, I'm
really stumped.'

'She's running around in circles', according to a close friend, 'she
will need all the support she can get. It's not like its easy to walk
out on a relationship like this..'

After his break up with Heather, Paul was asked if he would ever
consider going down on one knee again. Paul said he would prefer it if
we called her Heather.

It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to the
marriage. Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world, and if
an agreement has been signed it is believed that she won't have a leg to
stand on.

Rumours abound over the split which have suggested that infidelity may
have been the cause. 'She's terrible' a source stated, 'always trying to
get her leg over'.

Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the
cause. 'Macca couldn't handle it anymore' a friend said, 'he would get
home at night and find her legless.'

Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present
that Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a new prosthetic
leg for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler.

A gold miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg. He says to his
mate 'I'm finished! Who will want a one legged gold digger?' His mate
says 'try Paul McCartney.'

And finally, a poem by Sir Paul McCartney:

I lay upon a grassy bank
My hands were all a quiver
I slowly removed her suspender belt and....
her leg fell in the river!


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## brianhabby (25 Mar 2008)

A female snake charmer was wooed by an undertaker and accepted his offer of marriage. They received many gifts at the wedding but their favorite was a set of towels embroidered with the
words:

"hiss and hearse"

regards

Brian


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## momo (4 Apr 2008)

I just got barred at B&Q today, some tw*t in an orange apron 
asked me if I wanted decking, luckily I got the first punch in.........


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## brianhabby (4 Apr 2008)

The owners of the house that was destroyed by a plane in Kent have issued a statement.

They said the next time they go on holiday they'll remember to turn the landing light off

regards

Brian


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## Terry Smart (9 Apr 2008)

WHY MEN HAVE BETTER FRIENDS.......

Friendship between Women;

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her
husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his
wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.


Friendship between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that
he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10
best friends, eight of which confirmed that he had slept over, and two
said that he was still there.


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## Steve Maskery (9 Apr 2008)

Amazing Elephant Story

I am not going soft, but sometimes I like these heart-warming stories, and this one truly is amazing. 

In 1986, Dan Harrison was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from North-western University. 

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. 

As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. 

Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. 

Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing. 

The large bull elephant stared at Dan, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. 

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. 

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. 

Probably wasn't the same elephant.


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## brianhabby (9 Apr 2008)

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest, and the Bear family is just waking up.

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge," he squeaks?

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge!," he roars?

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells - "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?"

"It was 'Momma Bear' who got up first." "It was 'Momma Bear'
who woke everybody else in the house up." "It was 'Momma Bear'
who made the Coffee." "It was 'Momma Bear' who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away." "It was 'Momma Bear' who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper." "It was 'Momma Bear' who set the table."
"It was 'Momma Bear' who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water & food dish."

"And, now that you've decided to come downstairs and grace 'Momma Bear' with your presence, ...listen good, 'cause I'm only going to say this one time... "I haven't made the @!#$%^&* Porridge, yet!!"


regards

Brian


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## SketchUp Guru (10 Apr 2008)

Ole had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Ole.
'Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?' asked the lawyer.
Ole responded, 'Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had yust loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into da...'
'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Ole said, 'Vell, I had yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas driving down da road....'
The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie'.
Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Vell as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas driving her down da highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side. I vas trown into one ditch and Bessie vas trown into da other. I vas hurting, real bad, and didn't vant to move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she vas in terrible shape just by her groans'.
'Shortly after da accident da Highway Patrolman came to da scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her'. 'After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her right 'tween da eyes. Den da Patrolman come across da road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'How are you feeling?'' Now vat the hell vould YOU say?'


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## Woodmagnet (11 Apr 2008)

:lol:


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## woodbloke (17 Apr 2008)

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad.' With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands. 

'Dear, Dad. 
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. 



I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. 



But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. 

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with t he other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!! 



Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren. 

Love your son Joshua. 





P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk.

Call when it is safe for me to come home.


----------



## Pip (22 Apr 2008)

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar at 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. 

The blonde looked at Bob and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?' 

Bob says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.' 

The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.' 

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're on!' 

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, 'Fair's fair. Here's your money.' 

Bob replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump.' 

The blond replied, 'I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.' 

Bob took the money!!!!!


----------



## Racers (22 Apr 2008)

Hi,

I was driving a mate up the motorway the other day and when he saw a car on the hard shoulder he said to me "ever broken down on the motorway?" "no" I replied "but I have cried on an A road"


Pete


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## brianhabby (24 Apr 2008)

Then there was the cowboy who walked into the German car showroom and said - - 




"Audi"


----------



## RogerM (24 Apr 2008)

I read the other day that the owl population is down after all the heavy rain last summer. The problem was, apparantly with the male owls. It was too wet to woo.


----------



## brianhabby (1 May 2008)

One of Microsoft Network's finest support techs was drafted into the Army and sent to boot camp.

At the rifle range, he was given some instructions, handed a rifle, and some rounds of ammo. He loaded the rifle and fired several shots at the target which was fifty yards away.

The report came from the target area that all of his attempts had completely missed the target.

The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then once more at the target. He placed his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand.

The end of his finger was blown off -- whereupon he yelled toward the target area...

"It's leaving here just fine; the trouble must be at your end!"


----------



## Racers (2 May 2008)

Hi,

I was in a taxi on the motorway the other day and I said to the driver "you used to be a DJ didn't you?" "how did you know that?" he said "you stop talking under bridges" I replied.


Pete


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## brianhabby (20 Jun 2008)

At a catholic gathering, Mother Superior stacked a pile of apples on one end of a table with a sign saying:

"Take only one apple please - God is watching."

On the other end of the table was a pile of cookies where a student had placed a sign saying:

"Take all the cookies you want - God is watching the apples." 

regards

Brian


----------



## BradNaylor (8 Jul 2008)

Two woman are chatting over a cup of coffee. One complains of having a terrible sore throat.

'Oh, I get those a lot' says her friend. 'I just give my husband a blow job and the sore thoat disappears every time. You ought to try it!'

A week later they meet again. 'How's the sore throat'

'I took your advice and it worked a treat. I gave your husband a blow job and the sore throat vanished. He couldn't believe it was your idea, though!'


----------



## Steve Maskery (28 Aug 2008)

Little Johnny went to school on Monday morning with a black eye.

"What happened to you, Johnny?", said his teacher.

"Well ,Miss", said little Johnny, " I was sitting in Church yesterday behind this big lady, Mrs. Johnson, and I noticed that here dress was stuck in the crack of her bum, so I pulled it out. She turned round and hit me!".

"Well", said his teacher, "There is a lesson to be learned there isn't there? I know you meant well, but it's rude to do that, I hope you won't do it again".

The next Monday little Johnny turns up to school with TWO black eyes, real shiners.

"What on earth happened to you this time, Johnny?", said his teacher.

"Well, I was in Church yesterday sitting behind Mrs. Johnson again", said Johnny, "and I noticed that her dress was caught in the crack of her bum. So I pulled it out. But then I remembered what you told me, Miss, and that is was rude to do that, so I pushed it back again".


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## Digit (28 Aug 2008)

I couldn't laugh, it was a bit too near home for me.
I was pushing grandson round Tesco this morning when he lent over the side of the trolley and poked this lady's derrière! She swung smartly round and glared at me till she realised who had done it, when she broke into a big smile!
Saved! Fortunately at 23 months he's a bit young to sign the sex offenders register. :lol: 

Roy.


----------



## Good Surname or what ? (28 Aug 2008)

I'm stuck on a difficult crossword puzzle.

The clue I need help with is....

"Busy Postman"


----------



## Slim (28 Aug 2008)

Good Surname or what ?":1n51cx6s said:


> I'm stuck on a difficult crossword puzzle.
> 
> The clue I need help with is....
> 
> "Busy Postman"



Shall I fall for this one?

How many letters?.... :lol:


----------



## Good Surname or what ? (28 Aug 2008)

Slim":3hncu8nu said:


> Good Surname or what ?":3hncu8nu said:
> 
> 
> > I'm stuck on a difficult crossword puzzle.
> ...



He's got sacks full! :lol: 

Thanks Slim, it's hard to do an interactive joke by forum post.


----------



## filsgreen (29 Aug 2008)

RogerM":1tf3m2wi said:


> My daughter sent me these in an email. Well, I liked them! Particularly finding "x".




Sorry everyone, had to bump this one!! ROFL :lol: :lol:

Phil


----------



## dennis (29 Aug 2008)

This guy went to a monastery in Tibet to become a monk.

On arrival he had to take a vow of silence and was not allowed to speak for 10 years.

After 10 years he was summoned by the abbot and allowed to say 2 words.

He said, bed's hard. To which the abbot replied, bless you my son, now back to your duties.

After another 10 years he was again summoned by the abbot to say his 2 words.

He said, food's awful. To which the abbot said, bless you my son, now back to your duties.


After yet another 10 years he was again summoned by the abbot to say his 2 words.


He said, I'm leaving. To which the abbot said, thank god for that, you,ve done nothing but complain since you got here.



Dennis


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## iajon69 (29 Aug 2008)

Wedding Dress 

Son asked his mother the following question: 

'Mam, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies, 

'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure..' 

The son thanks his Mam and goes off to double-check this with his father. 

'Dad why are wedding dresses white?' 

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, 

'Son, all household appliances come in white.'


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## Argee (4 Sep 2008)

This could well be the longest joke post ever, but this is a tale in which *you *need to participate. You'll need a *new *envelope (preferably the size of A5 paper, but any *new *one will do) and a pair of scissors. This is a gag to tell your mates, so practice it first! Here's the patter:

A bloke goes rushing into a brothel and says to the woman behind the counter: _"I must see Christine *at once*."

"She's with a client" _ says the madam.

_"Well, *interrupt *her,"_ says the gent.

_"Lift your foot up a bit, sonny. If you were the client, you wouldn't want interrupting, so I'll not interrupt now. Either leave a message, or kindly *do* one."_

_"Message?" _asks the man.

_"Yes,"_ she replies, _"we've got pigeon-holes for all the girls."

"Will anyone else see it?"_ he asks.

_"No, certainly not. They'd have to get past me first"_ says the madam.

_"Right," _says the man, _"Have you got an envelope?"_

The woman produces an envelope and hands it to him.

_"Have you got a pair of scissors?" _he asks next.

_"You mean a *pen*, don't you?"_ she responds.

*"No!"* he retorts, _"a pair of scissors, please."_

She pops out the back and returns, muttering, with a pair of scissors.
He then *seals the empty envelope *and makes the cuts as follows:

*(Here's your part - follow the instructions carefully, please)*

The first cut thinly slices off the top (as shown), removing the shaded part.
The second cut, about 20mm down, stops about 20mm short of the side.
The third cut repeats the second, same distance from the bottom, stopping short as above.
The final cut takes a thin slice off the section between the horizontal cuts, like this:







He then hands the envelope to the madam, saying _"Tell her to ring me immediately she gets this, please."

"Who are you, then?" _asks the woman.

_"I can't possibly tell you that"_ he replies, _"I'd lose my job, my house, my family and my social status if anyone knew I'd even been in here, let alone was a regular."

"Well, how will Christine know?"_ came the question.

_*"She'll know!"*_ he replied and shot off out the door.

Twenty minutes later, Christine appears from upstairs. _"How many is that this morning?"_ asks the madam.

_"Eleven,"_ replies Christine. 

_"Coo, your poor *feet*!"_ responds the woman. _"By the way, some gink left a message for you." _Christine examines the envelope carefully.

_"Who the hell left this?"_ she asks.

_"He wouldn't say,"_ replied the madam, _"just that he'd lose his job, house, family and social status if anyone knew he'd been in here before. You're to contact him at once."_

_"How am I supposed to know who it is?"_ she remarks. 

*This is where YOU come in again* - you're now Christine, BTW.

Take hold of the middle of the two long flaps of the envelope, marked "X" in the diagram, one between the thumb and forefinger of each hand, with "X" nearest you. With the top uppermost, part the flaps gently, as though opening a coat.


























*"Oh,"* Christine says, _"It's the *vicar*!"_

I hope it was worth it! I've never failed to get a laugh with it.  

Ray


----------



## RogerM (15 Sep 2008)

Argee":3q09a07d said:


> This could well be the longest joke post ever, but this is a tale in which *you *need to participate. You'll need a *new *envelope (preferably the size of A5 paper, but any *new *one will do) and a pair of scissors. This is a gag to tell your mates, so practice it first! Here's the patter:
> 
> A bloke goes rushing into a brothel and says to the woman behind the counter: _"I must see Christine *at once*."
> 
> ...



Brilliant! SWMBO's only just stopped laughing!


----------



## Argee (24 Sep 2008)

A good-looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said _'I want to be a movie star.' _ Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, _'What's your name?' _ The guy said, _'My name is Penis van Lesbian.'_ The agent said, _'Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name.'

'I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever.' _
_
The agent said, 'Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you.'

'So be it! I guess we will not do business together'_ the guy said and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER.. 

The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...

_Dear Sir,

Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke._

Ray


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## Woodmagnet (24 Sep 2008)

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: 
That's a "cracker" Ray.


----------



## gwaithcoed (24 Sep 2008)

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.



Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
> 
> The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
> 
> The Taliban shouted, "silly person! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
> 
> "OK," said the old Jewish man," it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."
> 
> Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.
> 
> "Your ******* brother won't let me in without a tie!"

Alan.


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## Digit (24 Sep 2008)

:lol: :lol: :lol: 

Roy.


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## Grinding One (25 Sep 2008)

Everyone who has a dog calls him Rover or Boy ....I call mine SEx
Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me.When I went to city hall to renew his dog license I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, So would I. then I said,But this is a Dog.He said,He did not care what she looked like.Then I said,"You do not understand,I have had Sex since I was 9 years old."He said"You must have been quite a kid" 
When I got married and went on a honeymoon,I took the dog with me.I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and one for Sex.He said "Every room in the place was for sex".I said "You do not understand SEx keeps me awake at night" The clerk said "ME TOO"
One day I entered Sex in a contest,but before the competition began he ran away.Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around.I told him I planned to have Sex in the contest.He told me I should have sold my own tickets.But you do not understand,I said ,I hoped to have Sex on T.V. he called me a show off...
When my wife and I separated,we went to court to fight for legal custody of the dog.I said"Your Honor I had Sex before I was married."the judge said "Me Too"
Last night Sex ran off again,I spent 4 hours looking around town for him.A cop came over to me and asked what are you doing in this alley this early in the morning? I told him I was looking for Sex.
My case comes up Monday


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## Woodmagnet (25 Sep 2008)

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## Argee (25 Sep 2008)

After a particularly slack afternoon in his Chambers, the Judge had drunk one or two malts. He popped into his club on the way to the station and had a few more - one too many, as it turned out. On the train he became "ill" and on visiting the toilet, was violently sick, all down his tie and waistcoat. He made an attempt to clean it up with that skiddy BR toilet paper, but didn't do a very good job.

The walk from the station to his cottage sobered him up very well and he'd composed an excuse by the time he arrived. He entered the hall and his wife immediately said _"Good grief, Humphrey, what on Earth's that awful smell?"

"Do you know, dear,"_ he replied, _"as I was getting off the train, a frightful yobbo was sick all down my front!" 

"Gracious me,"_ she responded, _"I hope you're doing something about it?"_

_"Oh, yes," _said the Judge, a little taken aback. A thought occurred to him and he said _"He'll be up before me in the morning, don't worry!"

"Good," _she replied, _"now get those clothes off and we'll have some supper."_

Around 1 o'clock the following day, the Judge's secretary got a call in his Chambers from his wife. She never rang him in Chambers, so he rushed to answer the call.

_"Has that frightful yobbo been up before you yet?"_ she asked. He had to think for a while before it dawned on him what she was on about. 

_"No, not yet,"_ he replied, _"he'll be up straight after lunch. Don't worry, I'll give him six months."

"I'd give him twelve, if I were you,"_ she replied, _"the filthy beast has shat in your trousers as well!"_

Ray


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## christoph clark (25 Sep 2008)

Tesco letter 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford :

Dear Mrs. Murray,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor 
gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the Mission Impossible' theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look' using different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'

And; last, but not least:

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'


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## christoph clark (25 Sep 2008)

Sad News!

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death last week of someone that millions of us can thank for happy childhood memories.

Larry LaPrise, the songwriter best known for the childrens rhyme "The Hokey Kokey" died peacefully last Monday at his home at the age of 93. 

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. 
They put his left leg in. 

And then the trouble started.



Shut up.

You know it's funny


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## Woodmagnet (26 Sep 2008)

:lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## SketchUp Guru (26 Sep 2008)

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it.'

'CASE DISMISSED!!'


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## Woodmagnet (26 Sep 2008)

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## Noel (9 Oct 2008)

A seven-year-old boy was at the centre of a London courtroom drama today when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. 

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the best degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. 

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to Tottenham Hotspur Football Club, whom the boy firmly believes are incapable of beating anyone


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## Digit (9 Oct 2008)

Prepare to duck! :lol: :lol: 

Roy.


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## Woodmagnet (10 Oct 2008)

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


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## Argee (10 Oct 2008)

Click *here* 

Ray


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## Argee (14 Oct 2008)

I heard Dave Spikey tell this last night. If it's been on here before, apologies.

A golfer tees off from the second tee one morning. Unfortunately, he's concentrated so hard on the shot and taken so long to make it that he's failed to see a woman crossing the fairway some distance ahead. He's so astonished, he freezes, watching as the ball makes a perfect curve and strikes her, knocking her to the ground, where she lies still.

He rings the clubhouse to ask them to get an ambulance. _"Where did you hit her"_ he is asked.

_"Between the First and Second holes,"_ he replies.

_"Doesn't leave much room for a bandage, does it?"_

Ray


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## Woodmagnet (14 Oct 2008)

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


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## christoph clark (14 Oct 2008)

A man goes to Confession.

He says to the Priest, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Last night I made love to twins half my age, in positions that I think may be illegal, over and over again".

The Priest thinks for a few minutes, then says "Buy 7 lemons, squeeze the juice from them into a glass, then drink it".

"Will that absolve me from my sins Father?" asks the man.

"No", replies the Priest, "but it will wipe the smile off your face".








:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


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## Woodmagnet (15 Oct 2008)




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## Woodfinish Man (16 Oct 2008)

=D>=D>=D>=D>

Love it and the credit crunch post - keep them coming!

=D>=D>=D>=D>


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## christoph clark (18 Oct 2008)

Ok i swear to you this is a true story. . . . 

A millionaire walked into a New York bank, and enquired about borrowing $5,000 . When the branch manager asked what was the reason for borrowing the money he replied i fancy a trip round Europe for 2-3 weeks.

They spoke about the interest that would be added to the 5k and it worked out that it would be only $37 if borrowed for only 2 weeks. 

The branch manager said the bank would need some collatoral against the 5k borrowed, the millionaire agreed and said i will leave my Ferrari Testarosa which was parked outside the bank. The branch manager told him it would be stored safely in a secure underground car park until the man returned.

So it was agreed and the millionaire borrowed the 5K and off he went round Europe, sure enough the millionaire came back after his holiday and approached the branch manager with the 5k, the bank gave him the keys back to his Ferrari.

Just as the man was leaving to collect his car the branch manager asked him, just out of curiosity . . . why did you borrow 5k ? Its not like you needed it !

The millionaire replied and said "you try and find a safe place to leave a Ferrari for 2 weeks in New York for $37"



The cheap [email protected] !!!!!! (thats why he is a millionaire)

its a true story as well


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## loftyhermes (18 Oct 2008)

The local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation 
that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one 
wants him to leave. 

Mike Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Nottingham and Sheffield, 
stands up and proclaims: 'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a 
new Volvo every year and his wife with a Renault Espace to transport 
their children!' 

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds. 

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, if 
the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and 
establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education 
of his children!' 

More sighs and loud applause. 

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, if the Vicar 
stays, I will give him sex.' 

There is total silence. 

The Preacher, blushing, asks her: 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to 
say that?' 

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his 
forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to 
side, while his wife replies: 'Well, I just asked my husband how we 
could help, and he said, 'F**k the Vicar'.


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## Woodmagnet (18 Oct 2008)

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## christoph clark (18 Oct 2008)

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zip was down and his fly area wide open...... His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question. As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door'. He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my BMW parked in there? She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tyres!"

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


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## christoph clark (18 Oct 2008)

duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any F ing bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any F ing bread, ask me again and I'll nail your fuc*ing beak to the bar, you irritating bas**rd of a F ing bird!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


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## christoph clark (18 Oct 2008)

After having dug to a depth of 10 metres last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth of 20 metres, and shortly after, headlines in the UK newspapers read: "English archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots."

One week later, "The Kerryman," a southwest Irish newsletter,reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 metres in peat bog near Tralee, Paddy O'Droll, a self taught archeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Ireland had already gone wireless."

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


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## christoph clark (18 Oct 2008)

Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter. Ten men and one woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.

They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping 


:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


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## RogerS (18 Oct 2008)

Eli died.

So his wife went to the local paper to post the sad news.

'What would you like to say?' said the sub-editor.

'I'm not sure. How about "Eli Died"' she said.

'Mmm..bit terse' he replied 'and besides we have a £10 minimum order for five words'.

After a few minutes thought, she said 'OK. I know what to say. "Eli Died. Volvo For Sale'


----------



## christoph clark (20 Oct 2008)

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## christoph clark (20 Oct 2008)

Two ducks go on their honeymoon and stay in a hotel. As they are about to make love, the male duck says, ''Oh, we haven't got any condoms. I'll ring down to room service.'' He calls and asks for some condoms. 
The woman says, ''OK sir, would you like to put them on your bill?'' 

''No,'' he says, ''I'll suffocate!''

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## christoph clark (20 Oct 2008)

60 yrs of NHS (National Health Service)Lady rings her local hospital and this conversation follows:

'Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'

"Do you Know which ward she is in?''

Yes, ward P, room 2B''

I'll just put you through to the nurse station.'

'Hello, ward P, how can I help?''

I would Just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was 
wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?

''I'll just check her notes. I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's conditioned has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.''

Oh that's wonderful news I'm so happy, thank you ever so much!

''You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?''

No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2b. Nobody tells you f*** all in here...'

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## Argee (21 Oct 2008)

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, 'Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?' 'I'm sorry,' replied the hunchback, 'but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!'

Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. 'I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory.' With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. 'Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion.' Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more. The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit straight up! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:




















*'Master, ... The Hills are alive, with the sound of music!*


----------



## Woodmagnet (21 Oct 2008)

Chrisoph and Ray, :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## christoph clark (21 Oct 2008)

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## bobscarle (22 Oct 2008)

Employees at Bradford and Bingley were a little shocked to hear the unexpected news of a takeover by the Santander Group. A spokesman said "Nobody expected the Spanish acquisition!"

Sorry

Bob


----------



## Woodmagnet (23 Oct 2008)

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## andy king (23 Oct 2008)

Does everyone like Wayne Rooney's new haircut?
Apparently it was a mistake. His wife Coleen was offered £500,000 by Playboy to shave her tw*t! :lol: :lol:


----------



## Woodmagnet (24 Oct 2008)




----------



## christoph clark (24 Oct 2008)

Gordon Brown, Alistair Darling and Peter Mandelson are flying to a world economic summit. Peter looks at Alistair and chuckles: 'You know, I could throw a £50 note out of the window right now and make one person very happy.' Alistair shrugs his shoulders and says: 'Well, I could throw five £10 notes out of the window and make five people very happy.' Gordon says: 'Of course, but I could throw ten £5 notes out of the window and make ten people very happy.' The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them, and says: 'I could throw all of you out of the window and make the whole country happy.'

:lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## Derek Willis. (25 Oct 2008)

Subject: Johnny



A teacher asks her class, ?If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?? 
She calls on little Johnny. He replies, ?None, they all fly away with the first gun shot? 

The teacher replies ?The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.? 

Then Little Johnny says ?I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?? 

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, ?Well I suppose the one that?s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone? 

To which Little Johnny replied, ?The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking.? 


Derek.


----------



## SketchUp Guru (28 Oct 2008)

Why Men don't Write Advice Columns

Dear Walter: 

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my
husband in the house watching TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile
down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. 
I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't
believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the woman from next door. I am
32, my husband is 34, and we have been ma rried twelve ye ars. 

When I confronted him, he broke down and a dmitted they had been having an
affair for the last six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He
was let go from his job six months ago, and he says he has been feeling
increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I
gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to
counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore. Can you
please help? 

Sincerely, 

Betsy 


========================



Dear Betsy: 

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety
of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the
fuel line. 

I hope this helps.


----------



## Pip (12 Nov 2008)

A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter
met her at the Pearly Gates.

'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of
goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new
arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the
letter 'T' '?

The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?'

The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I
call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable
thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had
considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the
letter T?'

The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the
answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?'
St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'

The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'

'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'

'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of
February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve
seconds.'

St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your
answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his
head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer
to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely
correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the
name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to
answer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'

'It's Andy.'

'Andy??'

'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating
the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning
to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy
boiled.'

And the blonde entered Heaven...


----------



## filsgreen (13 Nov 2008)

The Waiting Room 

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing. 


There's nothing worse than a receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. Many of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it. 


An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist said, 'Hello, sir. Can you please tell me why you're here to see the doctor today?' 


'There's something wrong with my dick,' he replied. 


The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.' 


'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said. 


The receptionist replied, 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.' 


The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.' 


The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. 


The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes?' 

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated. 

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, sir?' 


'I can't water out of it,' he replied. 


The waiting room erupted in laughter.


----------



## Shadowfax (13 Nov 2008)

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who 
seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather
Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a 
Princess and I take orders from no one."

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray-up, puppy.


----------



## loftyhermes (14 Nov 2008)

The Indian With One Testicle 

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more. 

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. 

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being 
away. Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him 
and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.' 

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die! 

Why ??? 

OH, come on... take a guess !!! 

Think about it !!! 

You're going to love this !!! 

Everyone knows... 

You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone !!!


----------



## Woodmagnet (15 Nov 2008)

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## Derek Willis. (15 Nov 2008)

Sometimes they get better.
Derek.


----------



## BradNaylor (15 Nov 2008)

[-X 


Beyond the pale, mate!


----------



## brianhabby (16 Nov 2008)

A chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the dangers of drink, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class, closely observe the worms," said the teacher while putting a worm into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a door nail.

"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?" he asked.

Johnny, who naturally sits at the back, raised his hand and wisely, responded confidently,

"Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

:lol:  :lol: 

regards

Brian


----------



## Doug B (16 Nov 2008)

Checking my lottery ticket last night, i casually asked the good lady wife what she would do if i won the lottery?
She replied, "divorce you & take you for half the money"!!!
I showed her the winning ticket, with three numbers, gave her a fiver, & offered to help her pack.


----------



## mailee (17 Nov 2008)

Why Parents Drink 

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent one day but had not phoned in sick . Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? '

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

' Yes ,' whispered the small voice. 
May I talk with him?' 

The child whispered, ' No .'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?' ' Yes '

'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No '

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?' 

' Yes ,' whispered the child, ' a policeman. '

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?' 

' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

' Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman , ' came the whispered answer. 

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, 

' The search team just landed a helicopter '

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?' 

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... 

' ME . '


----------



## christoph clark (19 Nov 2008)

A woman meets a man in a bar.


They talk; they connect; they end
Up leaving together. 


They get back to his place,




And as he shows her around his
Apartment. 
She notices that one wall of his
Bedroom is 



Completely filled with soft, sweet,
Cuddly teddy bears. 




There are three shelves in the
Bedroom, 



With hundreds and hundreds of cute, 



Cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
In rows, covering the entire wall! 



It was obvious that he had taken
Quite some time to lovingly arrange them 



And she was immediately touched 



By the amount of thought he had
Put into organizing the display. 




There were small bears all along
The bottom shelf, 




Medium-sized bears covering the
Length of the middle shelf, 



And huge, enormous bears running
All the way along the top shelf.


She found it strange for an
Obviously masculine guy 



To have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears, 



She is quite impressed by his
Sensitive side. 



But doesn't mention this to him. 
They share a bottle of wine and
Continue talking and, 



After awhile, she finds herself
Thinking, 



'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
Could be the one! 



Maybe he could be the future
Father of my children?' 
She turns to him and kisses him
Lightly on the lips 




He responds warmly. 



They continue to kiss, the passion
Builds, 
And he romantically lifts her in
His arms and carries her into his bedroom 



Where they rip off each other's
Clothes and make hot, steamy love. 
She is so overwhelmed that she
Responds with more passion, 
More creativity, more heat than she
Has ever known. 
After an intense, explosive night
Of raw passion with this sensitive guy, 
They are lying there together in
The afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently
Strokes his chest and asks coyly, 
'Well,how was it?' 
The guy gently smiles at her, 



Strokes her cheek, 
Looks deeply into her eyes, 
And says:








'Help yourself to any prize 
From the middle shelf'

:lol: :lol:


----------



## christoph clark (20 Nov 2008)

Following the introduction of a new concept in seatbelt design and a significant reduction in the number of accidents during an extensive trial period, safety campaigners are trying to get the law changed to make the new belts compulsory in all vehicles


----------



## Travis (20 Nov 2008)

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each
other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that
seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them
easy...So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to
play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he
politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun.
I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you
pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I
don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says.

This catches the senior's attention and to keep the lawyer
quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the
distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls 
out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes
up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he
friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of 
searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the senior
and hands him $500. The senior pockets the $500 and goes
right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes
the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with
three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and
goes back to sleep.

Don't mess with Senior citizens.


----------



## John. B (23 Nov 2008)

_*Why did the chicken cross the road? *_> 

> BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change! 
> 
> JOHN MCCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road. 
> 
> SARAH PALIN: You betcha he crossed the road, but let's not talk about that, let's talk about energy policy, and how gosh darn hard it is for a middle-class hockey mom to manage the budget of the only state in America with a massive surplus, especially while surrounded by countless Russian and Canadian chickens we have to keep an eye on. 
> 
> HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure - right from Day One! - that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me. 
> 
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun? 
> 
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken...What is your definition of crossing? 
> 
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it. 
> 
> AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens. 
> 
> OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens. 
> 
> ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road. 
> 
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American. 
> 
> DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told. 
> 
> ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain... alone. 
> 
> JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that. 
> 
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. 
> 
> JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace. 
> 
> ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken? 
> 

> COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?


----------



## Derek Willis. (23 Nov 2008)

I liked this one,
Derek.


A handsome dude named Bob, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
> He
> sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
> The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering story of a
> man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?'
>Bob says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.'
> The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.'
> Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're on!'
> Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a
> swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
> The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 toBob,saying,
> 'Fair's fair. Here’s your money.
>Bob replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the5 PM news
> and so I knew he would jump.'
>
The blonde replied, 'I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it
> again.'
>Bob took the money.


----------



## Doug B (23 Nov 2008)

I asked the wife this evening what she would like for Christmas?


She answered that she would like a divorce!


I told her i wasn`t planning on spending that much!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## Derek Willis. (24 Nov 2008)

I thought this one very appropriate.
Derek.

Subject: FW: Oh Prime Minister








--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




Gordon Brown was visiting a primary school in North Yorkshire where he
looked in on one of the classes.

They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their
meanings.

The teacher asked Mr. Brown if he would like to lead the discussion on
the word 'tragedy'.

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a
'tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a
farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him,
that would be a 'tragedy.'

No,' said Brown........' that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children
drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a
Tragedy'

'I'm afraid not,' explained Mr. Brown ' that's what we would call a great
loss'

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Gordon Brown
searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of
a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand.

In a quiet voice he said: 'If a plane carrying you and Mr. Darling was
struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would
be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Brown. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that
would be tragedy?'



'Well,' says little Johnny 'it has to be a tragedy, because it
certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f......g
accident either!'



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Read amazing stories to your kids on Messenger Try it Now!


----------



## filsgreen (24 Nov 2008)

Fact: 79,000,000 people are engaged in intercourse right now.

Fact: 58,000,000 are kissing.

Fact: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex ...

Fact: 1 lonely pipper is reading emails....



.

.

.



You hang in there sunshine ...


----------



## Digit (24 Nov 2008)

:lol: :lol: 

Roy.


----------



## woodbloke (25 Nov 2008)

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole looking up.

A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.
Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the pineapple'n height of this flagpole, but we don't have a pineapple'n ladder.'
The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.

She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.

Then, she walked off.

Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde! WeNeed the pineapple'n height and she gives us the pineapple'n length


----------



## Travis (27 Nov 2008)

IRISH HUMOR



An armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland
and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. 

On his way out the door with the loot one brave Irish
customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the
robber's face.

The robber shoots the guy in the head without hesitation!
He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.

One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the
robber walks over and calmly shoots him in the head also.

Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

"Did anyone else see my face?" calls the robber.




There is a few moments of silence then one elderly Irish
gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says, 


"I think me wife may have caught a glimpse."


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## Doug B (27 Nov 2008)

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


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## brianhabby (30 Nov 2008)

Bloke studying his marriage certificate in great detail.

His wife said "What are you looking for?"

"I'm looking for the b****y expiry date" was his reply

:lol:  :lol: 

regards

Brian


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## Woodmagnet (1 Dec 2008)

:lol: :lol: :lol:


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## woodshavings (1 Dec 2008)

The train was packed, and the U. S. Marine Walked the entire length looking
for a seat, but a well-dressed, Middle-aged, French woman's poodle took the
only seat remaining. The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that
seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, 'Americans
are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under
that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little Dog,
tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in
his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to
have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong
hand, you drive your vehicles on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir,
you seem to have thrown the wrong puppy out of the window.'


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## christoph clark (1 Dec 2008)

Had a slight bump in my car today, i got out of my car, when the other bloke got out he was a dwarf, he said "I`M NOT HAPPY", i said which one are you then! 


:lol: :lol:


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## christoph clark (1 Dec 2008)

A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.
They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland .
Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.
Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.
Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.
Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.

Dear Maggie,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).
These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love,

Chris

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.


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## christoph clark (1 Dec 2008)

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the Race again, and it won again.

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read: 

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for £10. 

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR £10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.



The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery, even shorten your life.

Be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!


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## RogerM (4 Dec 2008)

A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!! 
1.
Don't change horses
until they stop running.
2.
Strike while the
bug is close.
3.
It's always darkest before
Daylight Saving Time.
4.
Never underestimate the power of
termites.
5.
You can lead a horse to water but
How?
6.
Don't bite the hand that
looks dirty.
7.
No news is
impossible

8.
A miss is as good as a
Mr.
9.
You can't teach an old dog new
Math
10.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll
stink in the morning.

11.
Love all, trust
Me.

12.
The pen is mightier than the
pigs.
13.
An idle mind is
the best way to relax.

14.
Where there's smoke there's
pollution.
15.
Happy the bride who
gets all the presents.

16.
A penny saved is
not much.
17.
Two's company, three's
the Musketeers.
18.
Don't put off till tomorrow what
you put on to go to bed.

19.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and
You have to blow your nose.

20.
There are none so blind as
Stevie Wonder.
21.
Children should be seen and not
spanked or grounded.
22.
If at first you don't succeed
get new batteries.

23.
You get out of something only what you
See in the picture on the box

24.
When the blind lead the blind 
get out of the way..

25.
A bird in the hand
is going to poop on you. 

And the WINNER and last one! 
26..
Better late than
Pregnant


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## Routermonster (4 Dec 2008)

This one's doing the rounds at work.

HOW MEN AMUSE THEMSELVES IN TESCO

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping. This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford:

Dear Mrs. Murray

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.

Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the Mission Impossible' theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look' using different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'

And; last, but not least:
14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'

Les


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## damo8604 (26 Nov 2015)

A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.
"It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."
"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed.
I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!"
"Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag.
After flushing them, he looked at me and said, "Well, show me your pocket then."
"What for?" I asked.
He said, "The drugs."
I said, "What drugs?"


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