# Jokes 2



## DomValente (4 Feb 2006)

Tony blair was visiting a new hospital and entered the first ward and spoke to the man in the first bed," and how are you" he asked, to which the man replied"aaah timorous wee beastie". The next bed illicited the same reply and the third and forth whereupon Blair asked the consultant if this was a psychiactric ward, "no", he replied "it's a serious Burns unit"

Modedit: Newbie_Neil We'll just start another jokes thread.


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## trevtheturner (7 Feb 2006)

_*Nobody believes old people *_- everyone thinks they are senile:

An Elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired. Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved, "I love you, Sally." On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of a security van, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. 

There, she counted the money... fifty thousand pounds. Andy said, "We've got to give it back." Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. The next day, two policemen were scouring the neighbourhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door. 

"Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of a security van yesterday?" 

Sally said, "No." 

Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic." 

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile." 

The cops turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning." 

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..." 

The first cop turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."




*Blonde going to Houston*

Plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, "I’m blond, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Houston and I’m staying right here." The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Houston and I’m staying right here."

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason. The pilot says, "You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this. I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I’m sorry." and she gets up and goes back to her seat in economy. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

"I told her, first class isn't going to Houston"


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## como (9 Feb 2006)

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Prescott, AZ. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chilli. 

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner drawls, "No son, you go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches out and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chilli into the bowl. The old cowboy quietly drawls, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too..."


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## gwaithcoed (2 Mar 2006)

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" 

She replied: "A can of peaches". 

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied, "Six".

The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. 

"What is it?" asked the judge.

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas." 

Alan.


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## WoodPecker (3 Mar 2006)

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl 
said, "NO!" And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing and hunting a lot and drank beer whenever he wanted. 

THE END


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## DomValente (3 Mar 2006)

Do I detect a touch of bitterness


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## Philly (3 Mar 2006)

Are you sure that was not a true story??? :lol: :lol: :roll: 
Sorry,
Philly :twisted:


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## Jaco (12 Mar 2006)

PUBLISHED NOTES FROM A THOUGHTFUL HUSBAND

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie. When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job, for extra income that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am,
she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I get home.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours afterwards.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.

I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She
had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the lawn. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to make herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie.
I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, fellas, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other. ... Ron

>>EDITOR'S NOTE:
>>Ron died suddenly Thursday May 26. He was found with a Stanley extra 
>>long 50-inch "Yankee" Screwdriver rammed up his backside, with only 2 
>>inches of the handle showing... His wife Julie was arrested, but the 
>>all-woman Grand Jury accepted her defence that he accidentally sat 
>>down on it very suddenly. What a shame !!!!


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## Jaco (12 Mar 2006)

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotard on, the class was over.


--- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."


--- The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.


--- Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?


--- I've sure gotten old.! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.


--- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."


---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.


--- Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.


---I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.


---I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.


---It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.


---The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.


---These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."


---I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."


---Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up!


Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.


--THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.


Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10. Oh heck, send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are...


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## Jaco (12 Mar 2006)

A matter of perspective..... 

The Difference Between Rich/Poor People? 



One day, the father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the express purpose of showing him how poor people live.

They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family. 

On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, "How was the trip?" 

"It was great, Dad." 
"Did you see how poor people live?" the father asked. 
"Oh yeah," said the son. 
"So, tell me, what did you learn from the trip?" asked the father. 

The son answered: 
"I saw that we have one dog and they had four. 
We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end. 
We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night. 
Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon. 
We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight. 
We have servants who serve us, but they serve others. 
We buy our food, but they grow theirs. 
We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them." 
The boy's father was speechless. 
Then his son added, "Thanks Dad for showing me how poor we are." 
Isn't perspective a wonderful thing? Makes you wonder what would happen if we all gave thanks for everything we have, instead of worrying about what we don't have.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends! 
Pass this on to friends and acquaintances and help them refresh their perspective and appreciation. 
"Life is too short and friends are too few."


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## Jaco (12 Mar 2006)

>1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It.

>

>2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? Tame Way.

>

>3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path

>

>4. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

>

>5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? Dam!

>

>6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroid's

>

>7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work? A Stick

>

>8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese.

>

>9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses.

>

>10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quattro Sinko..

>

>11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk.

>

>12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a vampire? Frostbite.

>

>13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck.

>

>14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can 

>Roast Beef.

>

>15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him.

>

>16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers.

>

>17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog.

>

>18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka.

>

>19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?! The Location 

>Of The Dirt Bag.

>

>20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their 

>Belt Buckle On Their Hats.

>

>21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? A 

>Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

>

>22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same? 

>Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.


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## Richard in Smithville (13 Mar 2006)

Two tree's, a birch and a beech, stood side by side in the forest for nearly 100 years. One morning they noticed a little sappling growing between them. 

One tree asked his neighbor, " I wonder if that little tree is a son of a birch or a son of a beech?"

There other tree was not sure so he suggested that they call on the woodpecker(who knows all about trees).

They call the woodpecker over and ask him if the little sappling is a son of a birch or the son of a beech.

The woodpecker fly's down to the ground, walks around the sappling looking it over and playing with the leaves. After a quick little taste, the woodpecker flys back up to the old trees. 

"Well", they eagerly ask? "Is it the son of a beech or the son of the birch?"

"Neither" stated the woodpecker. "But it's the best peice of ash I've ever put my pecker into!"


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## RogerS (16 Mar 2006)

A fire-fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck", the firefighter says with admiration.

"Thanks", the girl says. The firefighter takes a closer look and notices the girl has tied her wagon to the dog's collar and the cat's testicles.

"Little Partner", the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.


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## Noel (7 Nov 2006)

An Irish Love Story 

Paddy lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite wholemeal biscuits wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. 

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite wholemeal biscuits. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? 

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a biscuit at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula....................... 
"pipper off" she said, "they're for the funeral."


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## RogerS (7 Nov 2006)

This my friends, is surprisingly frightening......and it might put a smile on your face: 

The majority of students in universities today were born in 1986.... The Uptown Girl they know is by Westlife not Billy Joel.
They have never heard of Rick Astley, Bananarama, Nena Cherry or Belinda Carlisle.
For them, there has always been only one Germany and one Vietnam. AIDS has existed since they were born. CD's have existed since they were born.
Michael Jackson has always been white. To them John Travolta has always been round in shape and they can't imagine how this fat guy could be a god of dance.
They believe that Charlie's Angels and Mission Impossible are films from last year. They can never imagine life before computers. They'll never have pretended to be 
the A-Team, the Dukes of Hazard or the Famous Five. They can’t believe a black and white television ever existed. And they will never understand how we could leave the house without a mobile phone. Now let's check if we're getting old...
1. You understand what was written above and you smile. 
2. You need to sleep more, usually until the afternoon, after a night out. 
3. Your friends are getting married/already married 
4. You are always surprised to see small children playing comfortably with computers.
5. When you see children with mobile phones, you shake your head. 
6. Having read this mail, you are thinking of forwarding it to some other friends because you think they will like it too... 

Yes, you're getting old!!


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## Anonymous (7 Nov 2006)

a bloke goes to the doctor, hes farting every few seconds, he says I get terrible wind doctor, please can you do something. The doctor thinks for a few seconds, then says here put some of this special powder up your ****, that'll cure it. Bloke goes home, but still farting every few seconds powder doesnt work. He goes back to the doctor, I'm still farting doctor please help. Doctor thinks again, then says here put this ointment up your **** that'll cure it. Patient goes home but the ointment doesnt work either, he is getting desperate, he returns to the surgery. Doctor I'm still farting every few seconds, please what can you do I'm desperate. Doctor thinks again, paces up and down the room for a few moments, then goes in the cupboard and takes out a great long stick with a metal hook on the end. patient says I dont have to put _that_ up my **** as well do I?? :shock: Doctor says No I just want to open the window you always stink the place out when you come to see me... :wink:


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## Anonymous (7 Nov 2006)

Fatima Whitbread goes to the doctors, complaining of developing a hairy chest.

The doctor replies "when you take steroids for a number of years this can be one of the unfortunate side effects, but don't worry about it to much, how far down does it go"

to which fatima replies "right down to me b*ll**ks!!!!"


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## andys wood shed (8 Nov 2006)

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude
and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse
me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago,
but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the round. You are between 40 and 41
degrees north latitude, and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."


"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

" I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically
correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the
fact is, I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be a project manager."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are
going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot
air. You made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you
expect me to solve your problem.

The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we
met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."


Andy


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## andys wood shed (8 Nov 2006)

Domain Names - they didn't think their domain names through. Some of them are prime candidates for the 'What was I thinking?' award!

ALL of these web sites actually exist; selling something totally benign.

1. A site called ‘Who Represents’ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name is:
http://www.whorepresents.com/ 

2. Experts Exchange’, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at:
http://www.expertsexchange.com/

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than PenIsland’.
http://www.penisland.net/

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder’ at:
http://www.therapistfinder.com/

5. Then of course, there's the Italian Power Generator’ company:
http://www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery’, based in New South Wales:
http://www.molestationnursery.com


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## Adam (8 Nov 2006)

A timeless lesson in management

This is a MUST read.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and
noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt
pocket.
It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our
water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his
shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in
their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked,
"Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired a
consulting firm to revamp all our processes. After
several months of analysis, they
concluded that the spoon was the most frequently
dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of
approximately 3 spoons per table per
hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can
reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15
man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was
able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon
next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an
extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of
the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the
same string hanging from their flies. So before he
walked off, I asked the waiter,
"Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that
string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not
everyone is so observant.

That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we
can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to
the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without
touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands,
shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39
percent."

"After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others,
but I use the spoon."


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## gwaithcoed (15 Nov 2006)

Little lad comes in and says,

" Mommy,what's it called when one person lies on top of another?"

Trying not to panic she replies

"its called sexual intercourse"

"Oh" he replied and went back out

He returned sometime later and said

"You've got that all wrong Mommy, it isn't called sexual intercourse, its called









BUNK BEDS"





Alan


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## Steve Maskery (20 Nov 2006)

A husband was in BIG trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. 

"Tomorrow," his wife angrily told him, "there had better be something in our driveway that goes from zero to 200 in two seconds flat!" 

The husband thought and thought, and as he was watching his favourite show, an ad jumped out at him. "That's it!" he exclaimed to himself as he rushed out the door to get the present. 

The next morning, the wife looked outside and saw a small package in the driveway. She brought it inside, opened it and found a brand new bathroom scales. 


Funeral services for her husband have been set for Saturday.


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## Travis Byrne (30 Dec 2006)

Canadian logging company needed to hire another lumberjack, the first guy to apply was a short little skinny fellow, who was laughed at by the manager and told to leave.

"Just give me a chance," the little guy pleaded.

" Okay," the manager replied, " Grab your axe and cut down that cedar over there,"

Two minutes later he was back at the managers office, " Trees cut, do I get the job?"

" I don't beleive it, that is so much faster than even my best lumberjack could have done it, where did you learn to use an axe like that ?" the manager inquired.

" Sahara Forest," the little guy replied.

" Don't you mean the Sahara Desert," the manager corrected him.

" Sure that's what they call it now."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fred was getting along in age and decided to go to the doctor for a check up. Due to years of using power tools in his shop he was deaf as a door nail so he had his wife accompany him.

" I will need a urine sample, a semen sample and a stool sample for some tests," the doctor informed him.

" What's he saying ?" he asked his wife.

" Says he wants your underwear for some tests,"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
local construction company needed to hire another worker, two applicants had written an aptitude test and the foreman was informing the second person that the first person would be hired.

" There was ten questions, we both answered nine right, how come he got the job? " the applicant asked.

" Well." the foreman replied, " You both missed number five, but he answered, I don't Know, you answered, Neither do I."

===============================================
Three guys are eating lunch on a beam on the tenth floor of a construction site, " I'm so sick of ham sandwiches," says the plumber, If I get them one more day I swear I'll jump to my death."

" I feel the same way about this tuna," the electrician says.

" Ditto for lettuce and tomato," says the carpenter.

Next day when they open their lunches sure enough, they have the same sandwiches again, so over the edge they go.

At the funeral the plumber's wife says, " If I had only known he hated ham sandwiches."

The electrician's wife says, " Oh, if I had only known he hated tuna."

The carpenter's wife says, " I don't understand it, he made his own lunches."
**********************************************************
Old timer is looking at tools at the local building supply store, he picks up a hammer.

" Don't make these like they used to," he tells the salesman, " I've had the same one for over fifty years, just had to replace the handle six times and the head twice."

enjoy
Travis


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## Blister (1 Jan 2007)

Old man 70 is having trouble with his sex life , so goes to the doctors with the wife 

Doctor he says I am having trouble trying to make love to the wife !!

Doctor somewhat surprised say OK the I need you to produce a sperm sample and gives him a jar , bring it back on Monday and I will do some tests

When the old chap gets home he goes upstairs , he ties with his left hand , then tries with his right hand , then tries with both hands , Nothing 

So He calls downstairs to the wife , You will have to give me a hand love 

She tries with her left hand , then tries with her right hand , the with both  she even tries with her mouth , nothing !!!!

What can we do now he asks ??

I know says the wife , I will ask Nelly next door to come in and have a go ! , so off she goes . 5 mins later Nelly arrives 

She tries with her left hand then her right , the tries with both hand :shock: 

No Matter what they tried they could not get the lid off that Jar !!! :lol:


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## gwaithcoed (5 Jan 2007)

A secretary walked into her boss's office and said, "I'm afraid I've
got some bad news for you"

"Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained. "Tell me
some good news for once!"

"Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary. "You're not
sterile..."     

Alan.


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## LyNx (9 Jan 2007)

Two Mexicans have been lost in the desert and are knocking at death's
door.

As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or such
like, they suddenly spy a tree in the distance through the heat haze.

As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher
upon
rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy
nearly- raw bacon, all sorts.

Hey, Pepe" says the first hombre (Don Pedro). "Ees a bacon tree!!! We're
saved!!!"

"You're right, amigo!" says Pepe.
So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect
of
food. But as he gets to within five feet of his Babylon, there's the
crack
of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.
His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying
Pepe. "Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"
With his dying breath Pepe calls out...
"Agh, run, am igo, run!!
Ees not a Bacon Tree............








Ees a Ham Bush"


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## LyNx (9 Jan 2007)

Not a joke these were for real, but funny.


These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place........

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up
that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the
occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.


Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Saved the best one for last..................


Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere.


----------



## LyNx (9 Jan 2007)

Another one.

BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY!!

Charlotte, North Carolina. USA.

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued.. and WON!

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous.The judge stated, nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable"fire", and was obligated to pay the claim! Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".

NOW, FOR THE BEST PART..

After the lawyer cashed the cheque, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest!


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## CHJ (9 Jan 2007)

1. What Outranks a Princess?

A British Airway's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers: "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays,that would be super."


On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute 
engines." he said, "I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground"

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up puppy."


----------



## CHJ (9 Jan 2007)

2. A message from John Cleese to the citizens of the United 
States of America:


In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of 
you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: You should look up "revocation" in the OxfordEnglish Dictionary. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to Acceptable levels. (look up vocabulary).

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, 
God Save The Queen.

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal isues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All American cars are hereby banned. They are rubbish and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

15. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 21% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

16. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

17. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from 
Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

18. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 PM with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.


Thank you for your co-operation... AND... 
God Save the Queen


----------



## CHJ (9 Jan 2007)

3. In honour of Stupid People . .

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off Those bulldozers.)


On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)


On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)


On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)


On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: 
Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(..I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)


On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: 
Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)


On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)


Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn :lol:


----------



## LyNx (9 Jan 2007)

Posted on another forum - 

The Dam

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania. This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the response letter.

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming county

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.

A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2006.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.

Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.

Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:


Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane, Trout Run, Pennsylvania.

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam proje ct any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is:

(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or

(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond

Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment t (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2006? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.

If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! The bears are not careful where they dump!

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

THANK YOU.


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## Colin C (9 Jan 2007)

:lol: 
That is one class letter


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## LyNx (9 Jan 2007)

> Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office



Brilliant :lol: :lol: :lol:


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## Steve Maskery (9 Jan 2007)

Oh, How I wish I'd written that.

To be a bit OT (can one be OT on an OT forum?) the irresposible dog owner I complained about a few months ago, and who challenged the fixed penalty notice and elected tot go to courst, has now paid his fine. I wasn't relishing having to go to court, but Iwas prepared to. Now I don't have to. 

I've also seen the same bloke walking the same dog - only now he carries a poop bag. Result!

Edit - I've just read what I've written. I should perhaps point out that it was the bears that led my train of thought!


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## Colin C (9 Jan 2007)

Steve 

I am glad it was sorted but I have still to catch the person that is letting the dog mess my drive ( I have two kids 8 and 6 :evil: ), plus there was poo in front of the school gates.

Not a happy camper but that letter does make it a little better


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## Paul Chapman (9 Jan 2007)

Really enjoyed that, LyNx :lol: :lol: 

Cheers :wink: 

Paul


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## CHJ (10 Jan 2007)

Cool Cat


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## Johnboy (10 Jan 2007)

Unusually for this type of letter sent around on the internet the dam letter appears to be real. link to Snopes

John


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## woodbloke (10 Jan 2007)

LyNx - Dam fantastic - Rob


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## CHJ (16 Jan 2007)

Satan

People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill! with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 22 years."


----------



## DomValente (16 Jan 2007)

That one's going to my brother in law. :twisted: :twisted:


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## CHJ (16 Jan 2007)

*Hunting*


A father and son went hunting together for the first time. 

The Father said:

"Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."

A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son.

"What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."

The boy, bless his heart, answered;

"Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck.

I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me.

I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat.

I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching.

But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said, 

"Should we eat them here or take them with us?'" 


Well, I guess I just panicked......."


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## chiba (17 Jan 2007)

A man went to his appointment with the urologist. In the examining room he told the doctor, "Don't laugh!"
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In more than twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'willie' the doctor had ever seen. It wasn't any bigger than a AAA battery. Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing hysterically. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry," he said. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentlemen, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," the man replied...


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## CHJ (17 Jan 2007)

> Excuse the Rank references, I worked with friends from across the Pond for some years.




On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" 
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference........ If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. 
If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "yours is." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?" 

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?" 
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!"
"Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?"

Soldier: "No, SIR!" 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.

Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine? 
A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An Air Force Chief Master Sergeant and a General were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces. 
The General shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

The Chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave." 

"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport. 

"You 'ave been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically. The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously.

"Zen, you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready for inspection." 
The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible. You Americans alwayz 'ave to show your passports on arrival in France!"
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. 

"Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."


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## CHJ (18 Jan 2007)

Broke Back Deer Camp**

The guys were all at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said.

They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night.
He sat up and watched me all night long."


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## RogerS (2 Feb 2007)

Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas DPS Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of the and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?" The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder.

Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a police officer, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth." So saying that, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.

"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?" The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!" The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!" The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. 

The detective then turned to the second blonde,stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?" "Yes! He only has one ear!" 

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a  profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one  ear! You're excused too!" The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office. 

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said,
"This is probably a waste of?time, but......" He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?" 

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses. The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?" 

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."


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## RogerM (3 Feb 2007)

-------------------------------PRESS RELEASE---------------------------------

HBoS plc is very pleased to announce that they are installing new "Drive Thru" Cash Dispensers.

To enable customers to gain maximum benefit from this new facility they have conducted intensive behavioural studies to come up with the appropriate procedures for their use.

AS FOLLOWS:

Procedures for MALE customers

1. Drive up to the cash machine
2. Wind down your car window
3. Insert your card into machine and enter PIN
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw
5. Retrieve card, cash, and receipt
6. Wind up window
7. Drive off

Procedures for FEMALE customers

1. Drive up to the cash machine
2. Reverse the required distance to align car window with cash machine
3. Re-start the stalled engine
4. Wind down the window
5. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to find card
6. Turn the radio down
7. Attempt to insert card into machine
8. Open car door to allow easier access to cash machine due to its excessive distance from the car
9. Insert card
10. Re-insert card the right way up
11. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN number written on the inside back page
12. Enter PIN
13. Press "cancel", and re-enter correct PIN
14. Enter amount of cash required
15. Check make-up in rear view mirror
16. Retrieve cash and receipt
17. Empty handbag again, to locate purse and place cash inside
18. Place receipt in back of chequebook
19. Re-check make-up
20. Drive forward 2 metres
21. Reverse back to cash machine
22. Retrieve card
23. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into slot provided
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off
25. Drive for 2 to 3 miles
26. On detecting smell of burning, release handbrake.


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## greybeard (3 Feb 2007)

A lady walked into a Mercedes dealership just to browse. 
Suddenly she spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen and walked over to inspect it. 

She bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, and unexpectedly a little fart escaped her.

Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a salesperson didn't pop up right now. 

But, as she turned back, there, standing next to her, is a salesman.

With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this wonderful car?"

Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just by touching it, you are going to s**t yourself when you hear the price."


----------



## CHJ (3 Feb 2007)

Seeing we are moving nearer to basement level again  


Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.

One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a 
Nicoderm Patch on it.

He looks at the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to 
put That patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis."

The other one replies,

"It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day."

*IF YOU LAUGH....YOU'LL GO STRAIGHT TO HELL!!!! *


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## orangetlh (4 Feb 2007)

An elderly couple hit hard times, the bills keep flooding in and they found it harder and harder to pay them. One day, at the end of his tether the husband tells his wife that they have no money left and she would have to go and work the streets. That night the wife dutifully does as shes told. When she arrives back home her husband asks her how much she made, £20.10 his wife says. 'Twenty pounds and ten pence, what tight so and so gave you ten pence' her husband asked. 'They all did' she replied


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## RogerS (6 Feb 2007)

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely
see over the dashboard.

As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. As they
did the stoplight was red but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing
it I could have sworn we just went through red light."
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light
was red, and again they went right through.

This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red,
but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was
getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red
and they blew right through it.

She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know that
you ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh Hell.....! Am I driving ??


----------



## Steve Maskery (11 Feb 2007)

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and
the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came
from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his
stuff.

As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he
announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or
three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend
to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew
a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want
you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's
a very special watch. It's been in my family for six
generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth
while quietly chanting: "Watch the watch, watch the
watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back
and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch,
until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's
fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred
pieces. "dung!" said the Hypnotist.


It took three days to clean up the senior center.


----------



## CHJ (12 Feb 2007)

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"


Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age.
How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a new-born baby.
"Really? Like a new-born baby?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly. 
The other man said,

"What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns." Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.

However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with suitcase at his feet - - who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."


----------



## SketchUp Guru (28 Feb 2007)

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything insight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves. Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey is doing now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first.


----------



## Amateurrestorer (1 Mar 2007)

Anyway two of my ex pupils go for a job in the police force and turn up at Doncaster nick for the interview.The first one goes in and the Inspector asks him what was his favourite subject at school. Thinking quickly he replied " RE " ."right then" says the cop" who killed Jesus Christ ", "no idea "was the reply ."well sod off and don't come back until you do".Off he goes and bumps into his mate on the way in " how did it go","fantastic I'm on a murder case already".


----------



## Terry Smart (2 Mar 2007)

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. 

The boy asked, "What is this Father?" 

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." 

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. 

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out. 

The father said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother".


----------



## Steve Maskery (7 Mar 2007)

Fred was 83, but somehow he had still managed to marry the beautiful and gorgeous 25-year-old Charlotte. 

The wedding was traditional, but Charlotte was a little surprised to find that Fred had booked separate, albeit adjacent, rooms for their honeymoon. 

Just as Charlotte was getting into bed, however, there was a knock on the door. It was Fred. 

Fred kissed her, told her how much he loved her and then did his matrimonial duty and privilege. The he got up and returned to his own room. 

Charlotte thought it was a bit strange but she was so happy she put it to the back of her mind. 

Twenty minutes later there was a knock on the door. 

It was Fred. He kissed her, told her how much he loved her and then did his matrimonial duty and privilege. Then he got up and returned to his own room. 

Charlotte thought it was very strange but she was so happy she put it to the back of her mind. 

Twenty minutes later there was a knock on the door. 

It was Fred. He kissed her, told her how much he loved her and then did his matrimonial duty and privilege. Then he got up and was obviously planning to return to his own room, but Charlotte could keep silent no longer. 

"Fred my Darling!", she cried. "I have had the pleasure of many men a quarter of your age, yet none of them has had your stamina to satisfy quite so well! You have made love to me three times and it's not yet midnight!" 

"Have I?", replied Fred. "This Alzheimer's has got to be good for something!".


----------



## DomValente (7 Mar 2007)

So this gynaecologist decides he's fed up with his job and thinks he'll take a year out and do something totally different.
He flicks through the local paper and decides to take a course in car mechanics .
He loves it and by the end of the year is quite proficient
His tutor tells him he must now take a test, not wanting to offend he agrees.
On the day of the test the examiner asks him to remove the engine from a car and lay it out with it's constituent parts. This he does admirably.
Now put it back says the examiner. Again he does a great job.
Well done says the examiner in fact it's so good I'm going to award you a 200% score.
Being an intelligent man the gynaecologist says, you can't award 200% surely the most I can receive is 100%. ?
Normally you would be right says the examiner, but on this occasion I'm giving you 100% for taking the engine out and another 100% for replacing the engine.........through the exhaust


----------



## Waka (9 Mar 2007)

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are 
>things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now

>published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while

>these exchanges were actually taking place.
>
>ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
>WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
>____________________
>ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
>WITNESS: July 18th.
>ATTORNEY: What year?
>WITNESS: Every year.
>____________________
>ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
>WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
>____________________
>ATTORNEY: This
>myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
>WITNESS: Yes.
>ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
>WITNESS: I forget.
>ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you 
>forgot? ____________________
>ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
>WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
>ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
>WITNESS: Forty-five years.
>____________________
>ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that 
>morning?
>WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
>ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
>WITNESS: My name is Susan.
>____________________
>
>ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his 
>sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
>WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
>____________________
>ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
>WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
>____________________
>ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
>WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
>____________________
>ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
>WITNESS: Yes.
>ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
>WITNESS: Uh....
>____________________
>ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
>WITNESS: Yes.
>ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
>WITNESS: None.
>ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
>____________________
>ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
>WITNESS: By death.
>ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? ____________________
>ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
>WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
>ATTORNEY: Was this
>a male or a female?
>____________________
>ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition 
>notice which I sent to your attorney?
>WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
>____________________
>ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead 
>people?
>WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
>____________________
>ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
>WITNESS: Oral.
>____________________
>ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
>WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
>ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
>WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an 
>autopsy on him!
>____________________
>ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
>WITNESS:
>Huh?
>____________________
>ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, di! d you check for
a
>pulse?
>WITNESS: No.
>ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
>WITNESS: No.
>ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
>WITNESS: No.
>ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began
>the autopsy?
>WITNESS: No.
>ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
>WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
>ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
>WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing
>law.


----------



## woodbloke (9 Mar 2007)

Waka - I *do* like those, 'specially as they're real :lol: - Rob


----------



## DomValente (9 Mar 2007)

Last one's the best


----------



## Jaco (12 Mar 2007)

A junior school teacher in Liverpool asked her pupils to use the word
>>"fascinate" in a sentence.
>>
>>Mary put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm,
>>and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
>>
>>The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
>>"fascinate, not fascinating".
>>
>>Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see the Blackpool
>>Tower and I was fascinated."
>>
>>The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use
>>the word "fascinate."
>>
>>Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had
>>been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no
>>way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.
>>
>>Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her
>>boobs are so big she can only fasten eight."
>>
>>The teacher sat down and cried.


----------



## Jaco (12 Mar 2007)

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10.00 a pill," answered the son. 

"I don't care," said Grandpa,

"I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said,

"I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."

I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."
8)


----------



## Jaco (12 Mar 2007)

Two recent court cases, have earned the attention of newspaper readers
> in South Africa .
>
>
> 1. One person was fined R1 000 for not having a TV license.
> 2. Another was released on bail for R500 after being arrested for
> murder.
>
> The moral of this South African story:
>
> If you do not have a TV license and the inspector comes round, kill him.
>
> You'll save R500.
>
> ....It's the Right Thing To Do....


----------



## Amateurrestorer (12 Mar 2007)

Police have discovered a worrying new trend in drug taking by Barnsley youngsters.To get an instant high they are crushing ecstacy tablets in gin and injecting directly into the soft tissue above their teeth. E! by gum !


----------



## Newbie_Neil (13 Mar 2007)

Amateurrestorer":2fhiew8e said:


> E! by gum !



ROTFL.

Cheers
Neil


----------



## Jaco (17 Mar 2007)

Little lad comes in and says, 

" Mommy,what's it called when one person lies on top of another?" 

Trying not to panic she replies 

"its called sexual intercourse" 

"Oh" he replied and went back out 

He returned sometime later and said 

"You've got that all wrong Mommy, it isn't called sexual intercourse, its called 









BUNK BEDS"


----------



## Jaco (17 Mar 2007)

After digging to a depth of 100m last year, Russian scientists found
traces of copper wiring dating back 1000 years, and came to the 
conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one 
thousand years ago.

So as not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American
scientists dug 200m, and headlines in the US newspapers read: 

"US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres", and 
have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech
digital telephones 1000 years earlier than the Russians." 

One week later, the South African press reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 500m, S.A. scientists have found absolutely
nothing. The government has concluded that 5000 years ago, their 
ancestors were already using mobile phones due to cable theft
problems."


----------



## Jaco (18 Mar 2007)

Golf and Mother Superior
A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting, and confesses; "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the Mother Superior.
"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive, that looked like it was going to sail over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway, and then fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?" asked Mother Superior.
"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth, and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.
"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed Mother superior.
"No, Mother. Oh no, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior.
"Oh no, Mother. My ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about SIX inches from the hole."
The two nuns were silent for a moment.
Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the flaming putt, didn't you?"


----------



## Travis Byrne (23 Mar 2007)

Posted August 15, 2006 12:16 AM Hide Post 
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background check, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists... Two men and a woman. 

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!" 

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." 
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." 

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." 
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." 

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. 

"This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."


----------



## Jaco (28 Mar 2007)

A Guy is driving around Dublin when he sees a sign in front of a house.
>"Talking Dog for Sale" So he stops and rings the bell and the owner said
> that the Dog is in the back yard and to go and take a look.
>The guy walks around to the back yard and sees a Labrador sitting there.”
>You Talk?" he asks.
>"Yes" the Lab replies.
>"So what's the story?"
>The Lab looks up and says: "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I
> was pretty young."
>I wanted to help the Government, so I told the Garda, (Police), about my
> gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country,
> sitting in rooms with spies and world Leaders, because no one figured a
> dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for
eight
> years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I
> wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a
> job at the Airport to do some undercover security work wandering near
> suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible
> dealings
> and was awarded a batch of medals. I then got married, had a load of
> Puppies, and now I'm just retired.
>The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for
> the Dog.” Ten Euros" the man says!
>"Ten Euros," This Dog is amazing. Why on earth would you sell him so
> cheap?"
>"Because he is a liar. He never did any of that dung!


----------



## Jaco (28 Mar 2007)

Two Aussies are quietly sitting in a boat fishing and tubeing down a VB when suddenly Dick says, 
"I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."

Bill takes a sip out of his stubby and says, "You better think it over mate - women like that are hard to find."


----------



## Jaco (28 Mar 2007)

A cowboy story

Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, A young cowboy recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who in his day had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition of becoming a great gunfighter.

Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"Sure will," replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

"That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"

"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.

"You bet it will," said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
"Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See
that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle
and all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your butt, and it won't hurt as much."


----------



## lurker (28 Mar 2007)

Tony Blair was visiting a school and was asked by a teacher if he would like to lead the discussion on what constituted a “ tragedy”.

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stood up and offered, "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," said Blair, "that would be an accident." A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not." explained the PM. "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Blair searched the room.

"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?" Finally, at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said:

"If an aircraft carrying you, Mr. Blair, was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Blair. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident."


----------



## woodbloke (28 Mar 2007)

One here for the chemist's amongst us, from one of my son's pals at Ediburgh Uni, don't understand the science here :-k  - Rob

Chemistry Test Bonus Question

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle'sLaw
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate
at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once
a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are
leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the
different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these
religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you
will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and
since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project
that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we
can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because
Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in
Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand
proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at whichsouls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman
year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,"
and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then
number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic
and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that
since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any
more souls and is therefore, extinct.....leaving only Heaven, thereby
proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last
night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."


----------



## Jaco (31 Mar 2007)

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. 

The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back." 
"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife. 
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer." 
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc. 
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lollypop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..." 
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass,puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting 
chills just holding it. 
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?" 
"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc. 
"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..." 
"You want dirty words, D---head? Drink your flaming beer in your goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherflaming snacks, because you are married now, and you aren't going anywhere! Got it, A--hole?" 
.....and, they lived happily ever after.


----------



## Jaco (31 Mar 2007)

A bus station is where a bus stops.



A train station is where a train stops.



On my desk, I have a work station....



what more can I say........


----------



## Jaco (31 Mar 2007)

SOME MORE IRISH JOKES


Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do, Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
______________________________

Paddy was in New York.

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
__________________________

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
_____________________________

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
_____________________________

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.
"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."
_____________________________

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why do you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....



It’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.


----------



## Russell (31 Mar 2007)

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she cried, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"


******************************************************************************************


A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop, and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all you sons of bitches who are returning and want to get on, get your asses on the train now, cause we're going down the tracks!"

The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to you room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may go back and play with your train, but only if you use nice language."

Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of you belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She hears the little boy continue. "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under you seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

Then, the child added, "And for those of you who are p***** off about the TWO HOUR DELAY, see the puppy in the kitchen."

*****************************************************************************


----------



## Argee (31 Mar 2007)

Pirate goes for a drink. Barman says _"You look awful!"_

Pirate says _"Well, I might do, but I feel fine."
_
Barman _"But you've got a peg leg."_

Pirate _"Yes, I'm a pirate, been in battles. Lost my leg in one, but the wooden peg works well, I'm fine."
_
Barman _"But you've got a hook instead of a right han_d."

Pirate _"I know, it's an occupational hazard. Lost the hand in another battle, but the hook works OK, I'm fine."
_
Barman _"But you've got a patch over your right eye too."_

Pirate _"I know - I looked up and a seagull crapped in my eye."_

Barman _"You wouldn't lose an eye if a seagull crapped in it, surely?"_

Pirate _"No - it was my first day with the hook."_


----------



## Jaco (1 Apr 2007)

Son goes to father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" 

The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: 

………………………………… 



You got Male


----------



## Jaco (7 Apr 2007)

Ole Blue

A young farm lad from North Iowa goes off to college, 
but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has 
foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him.

Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, 
"you won't believe the wonders that modern education is 
coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here 
at Iowa State that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. 
"How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. 
"I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the 
dog and the $1,000. About 2/3 way through the 
semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.

"So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, 
"but you just won't believe this - they've had such 
good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do 
I have to do to get him in that program?"

Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." 
His father sends the money.

The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, 
his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, 
nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home at the end of the semester, 
his father is all excited.
"Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him 
talk and read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. 
Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive 
home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicked 
back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, 
like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 
'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that 
little redhead who lives in town?'

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that SOB
before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

(The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.......)


----------



## Jaco (7 Apr 2007)

26 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP


1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those #$%*& kids next door
won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather 
than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms
and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good dung."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never 
going to drink that much again."

23. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

24. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them
instead of asking "Oh dung what the hell happened?"

25. Like your parents used to, you start sentences with, ”When I was young..…”

Bonus:

25: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign
that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass.


----------



## Jaco (7 Apr 2007)

TWO STATUES
>
> There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude 
> woman.
>
> They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, 
> when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single 
> gesture, brings the two to life.
>
> The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a 
> hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life 
> for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."
>
> He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the 
> shrubbery.
>
> The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
>
> After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
>
> The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you 
> care to do it again?"
>
> He asks her "Shall we?"
>
> She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions.
>
>
>
> This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you dung on
> its head."
>
>
> AND WHAT WERE YOU....THINKING?


----------



## Benchwayze (7 Apr 2007)

The worst thing about getting old is having
'Senior Moments'
The way to grow old gracefully is to call those moments 'Intellectual Intermissions'

John


----------



## Jaco (8 Apr 2007)

I also tend to have those "intellectual Intermissions"!


----------



## DomValente (8 Apr 2007)

Getting old is when you bend to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.


----------



## Jaco (9 Apr 2007)

FEMALE GEOGRAPHY 

- Between 18 and 20, a woman is like Africa : wild, naturally beautiful and full of mysterious, fertile deltas. 

- Between 21 and 30, a woman is like America : well-developed and open for trade, especially for those with stacks of money. 

- Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India : sensual, relaxed, in full bloom, aware of her beauty. 

- Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France : deliciously mature, still a pleasant destination to visit. 
- Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Yugoslavia : a lost war, haunted by the mistakes of the past. Major reconstruction work is mostly the only answer.
- Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Russia : vast, with undefined frontier. The cold climate puts off any potential visitors. 

- Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia : a glorious past, great conquests, but without a future. 

- After 70, a woman is like Afghanistan or the north pole : many know its whereabouts, but no-one dares to venture there…


MALE GEOGRAPHY

- Between 15 and 90 , a man is like Zimbabwe : ruled by a dick…


----------



## CHJ (9 Apr 2007)

From across the pond but not too dissimilar, may even be too near the truth to be a joke.


*Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school 
parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.*

1976 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his 
car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.

2006 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail 
and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for 
traumatized students and teachers.


*Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.*

1976 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up 
best friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.

2006 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. 
Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.


*Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.*

1976 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the 
Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2006 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested 
for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.


*Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad 
gives him a whipping with his belt.*

1976 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to 
college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2006 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster 
care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she 
remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's 
mom has affair with psychologist.


*Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.*

1976 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.

2006 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. 
Car searched for drugs and weapons.


*Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.*

1976 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.

2006 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear 
nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for 
graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state 
school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core 
curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a 
living because he cannot speak English.


*Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, 
puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.*

1976 - Ants die.

2006 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with 
domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from 
home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list 
and is never allowed to fly again.


*Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his 
knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort 
him.*

1976 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2006 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. 
She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.


----------



## LyNx (12 Apr 2007)

What do you call a chav in a box ? `innit!`

What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet? `sorted`

Why is it a shame if 3 chavs in a nova go over a cliff?
Cos a Nova has 5 seats

What do you call 200 chavs at the bottom of a river? A start!

What do call a chav in a white tracksuit? `The Bride`

What do chavs use for protection.? The bus shelter


----------



## Jaco (14 Apr 2007)

"Hello?"

"Hi honey.

This is Daddy.

Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy.

She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause,

Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

Brief Pause.

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she 
isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!!

What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he
jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says,

"Swimming pool? ......Is this 486-5731?


----------



## Jaco (14 Apr 2007)

When Joe, a nice man married for over 50 years died, his wife, Myrtle was devastated.
A couple of months later, Myrtle also died. Once in heaven, Myrtle anxiously looked for Joe. Suddenly, behind a cloud, she could clearly see him. 

She ran towards him, calling his name: "Joe. Darling.. "
Joe said: "Hold your horses woman, and don't 
'darling' me. The deal was very clear...
'Until death do us part!' "


----------



## Jaco (14 Apr 2007)

MALE WORLD
Movie nudity is virtually always female.
You know stuff about tanks.
You can open all your own jars.
When clicking through channels, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
Your rear-end is never a factor in a job interview.
Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
The garage is all yours.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
You understand the offside rule.
Flowers fix everything.
You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
The world is your urinal.
You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
You get to jump up and slap stuff.
One mood, all the time.
You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
Same work....more pay.
You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
With 400 million sperm/shot, you can double the earth's population in 15 tries.
You don't mooch off others' desserts.
If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
The remote is yours and yours alone.
You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
There is always a game on somewhere.
You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
If you forget to call a mate, he won't tell your other mates you've changed.
Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?"
Baywatch ... need I say more?
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
All your orgasms are real.
You never get pineappled as fast as the woman you're chatting up.
If you wear a suit & tie no one will think you're a lesbian.
You have no trouble whatsoever putting stuff off until tomorrow.
You get to operate heavy machinery.
You don't collapse in floods of tears if your partner says you look fine.
You feel comfortable wearing clothes you wore yesterday & left on the floor all night.
You're allowed to (even expected to) sweat heavily.
You can eat a banana while walking past a building site.
Telephone conversations are over in 30 seconds, no worries.
Push-ups are a lot easier.
The Betting Shop doesn't go quiet when you walk in.
People never glance at your breasts when you're talking to them.
Hot wax never comes near your genitals.
Ricky Martin doesn't live in your universe.
You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
Cricket seems like a good idea.
Not liking a person does not preclude having an enjoyable shag with them.
No queue's waiting for a public lavatory.
You can go years without having to see a doctor.
If you own a toaster you're never more than 2 minutes away from a tasty meal.
A 5-day holiday requires only 1 suitcase.
You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
Your pants are £3.99 for a three pack.
As long as your mums still alive, you can get your washing done at her place.
Wedding dress £2000; suit rental £150.
None of your co-workers has the power to make you cry.
Haircuts cost £6.


----------



## Jaco (14 Apr 2007)

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!




It takes less than a minute.




Work this out as you read ...




Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!




This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.








1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have sex -(more than once but less than 10)! 













2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)










3. Add 5








4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator






5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1757 .If you haven't, add 1756.









6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.












You should have a three digit number










The first digit of this was your original number (I.e., how many times you want to do it each week.)













The next two numbers are
























YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)






THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2007) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND



WHILE IT LASTS.


----------



## Jaco (14 Apr 2007)

RELATIONSHIPS

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy
nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, " and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing. 

************************************************** 
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the
house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey,
pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain
stuff?" 

"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."

************************************************** 

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the
other is a husband. 

************************************************** 


Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 

"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."


"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."


----------



## Jaco (14 Apr 2007)

Life Lessons
A young boy went up to his father and asked "What's the difference
between potentially and realistically?"

The father ponders for a moment, then answered "Go ask your mother if
she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid and also ask your
sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million quid, then come
back and tell me what you learned."

So the boy went to his mother and asked "Mum would you sleep with Robert
Redford for a million quid?" The mother replied "Definitely, I wouldn't
pass an opportunity like that."

The boy then went to his older sister and asked "Would you sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million quid?" The girl replied "Oh gosh, I would just
love to do that, I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity."

The boy then thought about it for a few days, and went back to his
father. His father asked him "Did you find the difference between
potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied "Yes, potentially we're sitting on 2 million quid, but
realistically we're living with two sluts.

The father replied "That's my boy."


----------



## Jaco (14 Apr 2007)

Lateral Thinking


man 
1. ------------ 
board 






Ans. = man overboard 

Okay, let's see if you've got the hang of it. 



stand 
2. ------------ 
i 





Ans. = I understand 


OK.... Got the drift? Let's try a few now and see how you fare? 


3. /r/e/a/d/i/n/g/ 





Ans. = reading between the lines 



4. r 
road 
a 
d 




Ans. = cross road 


Not having a good day now, are you? 
Redeem yourself. 

5. cycle 
cycle 
cycle 




Ans. = tricycle 


Not easy to figure out ha! 

0 
6. ------------ 
M.D. 
Ph.D 




Ans. = two degrees below zero 

C'mon give it a little thought!! 

knee 
7. ------------ 
light 




Ans. = neon light (knee-on-light) 


U can prove u r smart by getting this one. 

ground 
8. --------------- 
feet feet feet feet feet feet 



Ans. = six feet underground 


Oh no, not again!! 

9. he's X himself 




Ans. = he's by himself 


Now u messing up big time. 

10. ecnalg 




Ans. = backward glance 


Not even close!! 

11. death . life 




Ans. = life after death 

Okay last chance ............... 

12. THINK 





Ans. = think big!! 

And the last one is real fundoo............ 

13. ababaaabbbbaaaabbbbababaabbaaabbbb.... 





Ans. = long time no 'C' (see)


----------



## Jaco (21 Apr 2007)

Choosing a wife 

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.


The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.




The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.


Again, the man is impressed.




The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.




Obviously, the man was impressed.




The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.




Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.


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## Jaco (21 Apr 2007)

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.

He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the checkbook. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."


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## chiba (24 Apr 2007)

(Probably a repost, but what the heck)

Explaining Men's Tools:

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that
freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and
hard-earned guitar callouses from fingers in about the time it takes you to
say, "YEOWW S**T...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age.

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation
of blood-blisters. The most often tool used by all women.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija Board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,
and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the
conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease
inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2
inch socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle
firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile
upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any
known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any
possible future use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most
shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength
of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that
inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite
the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called
a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its
main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that
105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the
Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat
misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under
lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on
your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips
screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts
which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and
instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent
the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping holes
in walls when hanging pictures.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on
contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for
slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

---


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## promhandicam (24 Apr 2007)

Chiba - thanks for that! It is soooo true - I think my favourite is the Electric Hand Drill. It is a long time since I laughed so much at one of these jokes. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: 

Steve


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## woodbloke (24 Apr 2007)

Chiba wrote:


> DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
> metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
> flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that
> freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.


Don't remind me  . I was once drilling a *large* lump of metal to enlarge a 6mm hole to about 10mm, didn't have it cramped to the table. Trouble is I was doing this in a class full of kids who were writing. The bit snatched the metal of the drill press table and sent it whistling about 12' across the workshop narrowly missing the back of a kids head by about 2" :shock: The workshop gods were certainly smiling on me that day  - Rob


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## DomValente (25 Apr 2007)

A man was driving down the road and ran out of fuel. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.
The bee said, "What seems to be the problem"?
"I'm out of fuel."
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

"Try it now," said one bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. "Wow!" the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my gas tank"?

Scroll down







Scroll down







Scroll down







The bee answered,"BeePee."


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## Steve Maskery (25 Apr 2007)

I once got a bee up my nose. I was riding a moped (top speed 28mph, downhill with the wind behind me) and was wearing a cork-and-canvass helmet, c.1957. No, this was not in 1957, but mid-70's I suppose.

I was rising along and the bee went stright up my right nostril. I stopped (well, you would, wouldn't you, with a bee buzzing about inside your head), blew it out and off he buzzed, apparently none the worse for his experience.

Strange but true.
S


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## Jaco (26 Apr 2007)

An Italian, a Frenchman and an Indian was drinking at a bar discussing
what they had done the previous evening.
The Italian says: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body
with
the finest olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her
scream
non stop for five minutes."
The Frenchman says: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body
with a special aphrodisiac oil, then we made passionate love. I made
her
scream for fifteen minutes straight."
The Indian says: That's nothing. Last night I massaged my wife all
over
her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the
butter, then made love and I made her scream for two long hours."
The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two hours, phenomenal!
How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"
Indian : "I wiped my hands on the new curtains."


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## tiler99 (26 Apr 2007)

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I've had s*x with Fannie Green every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's'."

Soon, another man enters the confessional.

"Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had s*x with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.

Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, slim , redheaded woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"

The altar boy replies, ....

"No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes".


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## Freetochat (29 Apr 2007)

"Bless me Father, for I 

have sinned. I have been with a loose girl". 

The priest asks, "Is that you, Johnny Byrne?" 

"Yes, Father, it is." 

"And who was the girl you were with?" 

"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation." 

"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Mary Walsh?" 

"I cannot say." 

"Was it Teresa Brown?" 

"I'll never tell." 

"Was it Margaret Doyle?" 

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her." 

"Was it Anne O' Neil?" 

"My lips are sealed." 

"Was it Catherine 0' Tool, then?" 

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you." 

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped Johnny, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself." 

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Tommy slides over and whispers, “What'd you get?" 

Four months holiday and five good leads."


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## Jaco (3 May 2007)

Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home. Every night after
dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder
his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders
into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours
have passed 

After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and
asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"

She asks, "What?"

"Sex!!" he replies.

Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a
gun to your head!" 

"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it
for a while."

"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his
manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly
each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would
hold Harold's manhood. 

Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was okay. She
walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the
pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood! 

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that
I don't have?" 
Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."


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## Jaco (5 May 2007)

you know you are south african when...




You call a bathing suit a "swimming costume"


You call a traffic light a "robot"


The employees dance in front of the building to show how unhappy they are 


The SABC advertises and shows highlights of the program you just finished
watching


You get cold easily. Anything below 16 degrees Celsius is Arctic weather 


You know what Rooibos Tea is, even if you've never had any . 


You can sing your national anthem in four languages, and you have no idea
what it means in any of them


You know someone who knows someone who has met Nelson Madela 


You go to "braais" (barbecues) regularly, where you eat boerewors (long 
meaty sausage-type thing) and swim, sometimes simultaneously


You know that there's nothing to do in the Free State 


You produce a R100 note instead of your driver's licence when stopped by a 
traffic officer


You can do your monthly shopping on the pavement


You have to hire a security guard whenever you park your car 


You can count the national soccer team's scores with no fingers 


To get free electricity you have to pay a connection fee of R750


Hijacking cars is a profession


You can pay your tuition fees by holding up a sign at a traffic light 


The petrol in your tank may be worth more than your car


More people vote in a local reality TV show than in a local election


People have the most wonderful names: Christmas, Goodwill, Pretty, 
Wednesday, Blessing, Brilliant, Gift, Precious, Innocence and Given


"Now now" can mean anything from a minute to a month


You continue to wait after a traffic light has turned to green to make way 
for taxis travelling in the opposite direction


Travelling at 120 km/h you're the slowest vehicle on the highway


You're genuinely and pleasantly surprised whenever you find your car parked 
where you left it


A bullet train is being introduced, but we can't fix potholes


The last time you visited the coast you paid more in speeding fines and toll
fees than you did for the entire holiday 


You paint your car's registration on the roof


You have to take your own linen with you if you are admitted to a government
hospital


You have to prove that you don't need a loan to get one 


Prisoners go on strike


You don't stop at a red traffic light, in case somebody hijacks your car


You consider it a good month if you only get mugged once


Rwandan refugees start leaving the country because the crime rate is too 
high


When 2 Afrikaans TV programmes are separated by a Xhosa announcement of the
following Afrikaans program, and a Pedi ad


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## Jaco (5 May 2007)

Lulu was a prostitute. One day there was a raid. All the prostitutes were lined up outside the police station as they took them in one by one.

As Lulu stood in line, she saw her Grandma coming down the street and was so ashamed. Grandma didn't know her occupation.

Grandma stopped to say hi, and asked what the line was for.

Lulu, saving face, said that the police were giving away fresh Oranges to those waiting.

Grandma said wonderful, she loved oranges and got at the end of the line.

When the policeman got to the end and saw her, he was amazed.

He said "How the heck do you do this at your age?"

She said "I just take out my teeth, rip the skin back and suck' em dry!"

The policeman fainted.


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## Jaco (5 May 2007)

Who Packs Your Parachute ? 
Charles Plumb was a US Navy jet pilot in Vietnam. After 75 combat missions, his plane was destroyed by a surface-to-air missile. Plumb ejected and parachuted into enemy hands. He was captured and spent 6 years in a communist Vietnamese prison. He survived the ordeal and now lectures on lessons learned from that experience!

One day, when Plumb and his wife were sitting in a restaurant, a man at another table came up and said, "You're Plumb! You flew jet fighters in Vietnam from the aircraft carrier Kitty Hawk. You were shot down!"

"How in the world did you know that?" asked Plumb..

"I packed your parachute," the man replied. Plumb gasped in surprise and gratitude. The man pumped his hand and said, "I guess it worked!" Plumb assured him, "It sure did. If your chute hadn't worked, I wouldn't be here today."

Plumb couldn't sleep that night, thinking about that man. Plumb says, "I kept wondering what he had looked like in a Navy uniform: a white hat; a bib in the back; and bell-bottom trousers. I wonder how many times I might have seen him and not even said 'Good morning, how are you?' or anything because, you see, I was a fighter pilot and he was just a sailor." Plumb thought of the many hours the sailor had spent at a long wooden table in the bowels of the ship, carefully weaving the shrouds and folding the silks of each chute, holding in his hands each time the fate of someone he didn't know.

Now, Plumb asks his audience, "Who's packing your parachute?" Everyone has someone who provides what they need to make it through the day. He also points out that he needed many kinds of parachutes when his plane was shot down over enemy territory -- he needed his physical parachute, his mental parachute, his emotional parachute, and his spiritual parachute. He called on all these supports before reaching safety.

Sometimes in the daily challenges that life gives us, we miss what is really important. We may fail to say hello, please, or thank you, congratulate someone on something wonderful that has happened to them, give a compliment, or just do something nice for no reason. As you go through this week, this month, this year, recognize people who pack your parachutes.

I am sending you this as my way of thanking you for your part in packing my parachute. And I hope you will send it on to those who have helped pack yours!

Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word. Maybe this could explain it: When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do -- you forward jokes. And to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get? A forwarded joke.

So my friend, next time when you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile, just helping you pack your parachute........

Have a great day and stay in touch.....


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## Jaco (5 May 2007)

An old woman who demands justice!!!!! !!

Defense Attorney: 
Will you please state your age? 

Little Old Lady: 
I am 86 years old. 

Defense Attorney: 
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st? 

Little Old Lady: 
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, 
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me. 

Defense Attorney: 
Did you know him? 

Little Old Lady: 
No, but he sure was friendly. 

Defense Attorney: 
What happened after he sat down? 

Little Old Lady: 
He started to rub my thigh. 

Defense Attorney: 
Did you stop him? 

Little Old Lady: 
No, I didn't stop him. 

Defense Attorney: 
Why not? 

Little Old Lady: 
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago. 

Defense Attorney: 
What happened next? 

Little Old Lady: 
He began to rub my breasts. 

Defense Attorney: 
Did you stop him then? 

Little Old Lady: 
No, I did not stop him. 

Defense Attorney: 
Why not? 

Little Old Lady: 
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years! 

Defense Attorney: 
What happened next? 

Little Old Lady: 
Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him 
"Take me, young man. Take me now!" 

Defense Attorney: 
Did he take you? 

Little Old Lady: 
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little turnip


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## Jaco (5 May 2007)

I think you're the father of one of my kids





A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. 
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. 
So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids." 

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 
"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."


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## woodbloke (8 May 2007)

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played Sunday football together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him,"

“Mike--Mike."

"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike--it's me, Joe."

“You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."

"Joe! where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.

"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven.
Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here too.
Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows and there's even thousands of cheer leader girls. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."

"That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams!

“So what's the bad news?"

"You're in the team for Tuesday!"


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## Russell (9 May 2007)

The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.


He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing
one half in front of his wife.


He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two
piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.


He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup
down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the
people
around them were looking over and whispering.


Obviously they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can
afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and
politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man
said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.


People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a
bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking
turns sipping the drink.


Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another
meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to
sharing everything."

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with
the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had
yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting
for?"

She answered



(Continue below - This is great)































"THE TEETH."


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## Jaco (12 May 2007)

Cop pulls over a mini-bus taxi. 

Cop says: "License please."
Taxi driver says: "What for?"
Cop: "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." 
Taxi driver: "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Cop: "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License please."
Taxi driver : "What's the difference?"
Cop: "The difference is you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License please!" 
Taxi driver: "Heish ... if you can show me the difference between slow
down and stop, I'll give you my license and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket." 
Cop says: "Exit your vehicle, sir."
The taxi driver gets out of his taxi, whereupon the cop takes out his truncheon and starts beating the rubbish out of the taxi driver and says: "you want me to stop or just slow down?" 

EISH, DA COP HE EXPLAIN VERY NICE !


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## Jaco (13 May 2007)

Some useful informaton 



Seen this one before, (useless info if you ask me), but still fascinating.






The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the1500s: 


Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married. 

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water".. 

Houses had thatched roofs - thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs". 

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings c ould mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence. 

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway Hence the saying a "thresh hold". 

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?) 

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.. 

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon". They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat".. 

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous. 

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the "upper crust". 

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding "a wake". 

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a ..."dead ringer".. 

And that's the truth ...Now, whoever said History was boring ! ! ! 

Educate someone. Share these facts with a friend 









.


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## Smudger (13 May 2007)

Glad you put that in the jokes section...


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## CHJ (19 May 2007)

Wisconsin Salesman

A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. 

"How many customers bought something from you today? 
The kid says "one". 
The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20-30 customers a day. 
How much was the sale for?" 
The kid says "$101,237.65". 
The boss asked what he sold"


The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fishhook, then a larger fishhook, then a new fishing rod. I asked him where he was going fishing & he said down the coast, so I said he was going to need a boat, so we went to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. He said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook & you sold him a BOAT & a TRUCK?" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife & I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing...


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## Russell (21 May 2007)

Two Aussies, Davo and Johnno, were adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Davo stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth. 

This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. 

Without giving much thought to the matter, Davo blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!" 

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and Immediately the sea turned into the hard-earned thirst quencher. The genie vanished. 


Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Johnno looked disgustedly at Davo whose wish had been granted. 


After a long, tension-filled moment Johnno said, "Nice going Davo! Now we're going to have to [email protected]** in the boat."


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## *xen* (22 May 2007)

Mangoes in a pub.....

.......amazing really. I mean, I can remember when it was just peanuts, crisps and pork scratchings and stuff like that.


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## Steve Maskery (23 May 2007)

I've been trawling the Net for website resources and found this on w3schools.net:

*Internet Joke*
Customer: "I want to download the Internet. Do I need a bigger hard disk?" 
Download the Internet here

Don't be too impatient in closing the window. It made me laugh, anyway.


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## Jaco (23 May 2007)

Before his 2001 inauguration, George Bush was invited to a "get acquainted" tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he might use his personal bathroom.

When he entered Clinton 's personal bathroom, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal. That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal.

"Just think," he said, "When I am President, I could have a gold urinal too. But I wouldn't do something that self-indulgent!"

Later when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been when he discovered that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled and said to Bill, "I found out who pi**ed in your saxophone."


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## StevieB (23 May 2007)

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


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## Terry Smart (24 May 2007)

"Excerpts from a Dog's Diary"

8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!

10:30am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!

12:00pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!





"Excerpts from a Cat's Diary"

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.
I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. sprouts! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try thisagain tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.
For now.....


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## RogerS (24 May 2007)

Terry...sublime! I had tears rolling down my cheeks. excellent


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## DomValente (24 May 2007)

Sadly true, the wifes cat is laughing it's head off, but my dog's so upset he's biting his own tail.

Dom


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## DomValente (24 May 2007)

A bald headed man with a peg leg wrote a letter including a photograph of himself to his local fancy dress shop and asked them to send him a costume for a party he was attending.

The next day a package with a bandana and an eye patch arrived and a letter saying" with the bandana on your head, the eyepatch on your eye and the peg leg you'll make a great pirate.
The man wrote back saying how disgusted he was that they were drawing attention to his disability.

Two days later another package and letter arrived, it was a monks habit and the letter said " the habit will hide your disability and with your bald head you'll make a great monk"
He wrote back saying it was disgraceful that they should draw attention to his baldness

The shop wrote back enclosing a tin of Golden syrup, the letter said "pour the syrup over your head stick your wooden leg up your a### and go as a *?%#%#* toffee apple


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## gwaithcoed (25 May 2007)

A shop that sells new husbands has just opened in London, where a woman
> >may go to choose a husband.
> >
> >Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the shop
> >operates:
> >
> >1. You may visit this shop ONLY ONCE.
> >
> >2. There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the
> >shopper ascends.
> >
> >3. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may
> >choose to go up to the next floor, but cannot go back down except to
> >exit the building!
> >
> >A woman goes to the Husband Shop to find a husband.
> >
> >On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
> >
> >Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
> >
> >The second floor sign reads:
> >
> >Floor 2 - These men have jobs and loves kids
> >
> >The third floor sign reads:
> >
> >Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
> >"Impressive," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes
> >to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love
> >kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with housework. "Oh, wow!"
> >she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
> >
> >Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
> >
> >Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking,
> >help with housework, and have a strong romantic streak. She is so
> >tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
> >
> >Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.
> >
> >There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that
> >women are impossible to please.
> >
> >Thank you for shopping at the Husband Shop.
> >
> >To avoid gender bias charges, the shop's owner opened a new Wives Shop
> >just across the street, also with six floors and the same rules.
> >
> >The first floor has wives that love sex.
> >
> >The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
> >
> >The third, fourth, fifth & sixth floors have never been visited.


Alan


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## Jaco (27 May 2007)

An 89 year old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back
with normal results. The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof, the light goes on. When I'm done, poof, the light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. "Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. 
Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done poof, the light goes out? "

"Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again".


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## sean.brock (31 May 2007)

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." 

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." 

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy." 

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" 

"Tiger Woods." 

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?" 

"Yeah." 

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." 

The husband and wife then make passionate love. 

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. 

"What are you doing?" asks the wife. 

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat." 

"Tiger wouldn't do that." 

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" 

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." 

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. 

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks. 

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat." 

"Tiger wouldn't do that." 

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" 

"He'd come back to bed and do it again." 

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. 

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. 

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" 

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."


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## Slim (3 Jun 2007)

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely: Picnic tables,horseshoe courts, a volleyball court, and some orange and grapefruit trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over, as he hadn't been there in a while. He grabbed a bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him,

"we're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Old men can still think fast.


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## DomValente (3 Jun 2007)

Note to self, build a pond, build a pond


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## Jaco (10 Jun 2007)

At last! A decent chain letter, as opposed to normal chain letters/pyramid schemes. Costs nothing, and you can only win. Simply send this e-mail to nine of your mates.

INSTRUCTIONS

Anaesthetise your wife, put her in a large carton (with ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the top of your list. Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you will receive 823,542 women through the post.

Statistically, among those women, will be at least: 0.5 Miss Worlds, 2.5 models, 463 wild nymphos, 3,234 good-looking nymphos, 20,198 who enjoy multiple orgasms and 40,198 bi-sexual women. In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited, and tastier than the grumpy old bag you posted off. And, best of all, your original package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back to you.

DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER

One bloke for example who sent the letter to only five instead of nine of his friends got his original bird back, still in the old dressing gown he sent her off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the accusatorial expression on her face. On the same day, the international supermodel he'd been living with since he sent off his old girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (to whom he had not sent the chain letter.

While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 6th place above me has already received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering from exhaustion. Outside his ward are 452 more packages.

YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL

This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sex life. No expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities (that only interest women). No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises like marriage or engagement. Do not hesitate...send this letter today to 9 of your best friends.

PS. - Even when you have no girlfriend, you can send your vacuum cleaner - one of the other women that arrives will know how to use it.

PPS. - This letter can also be copied to women you know so that they can prepare themselves for the great adventure that they may soon undertake.


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## sean.brock (10 Jun 2007)

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. 

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." 

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. 

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?" 

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."


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## Slim (11 Jun 2007)

Tony was driving his truck minding his own business when he had to stop at a red light. As he stopped a car pulled up alongside a blonde stepped out, ran round to his cab and said ' Hi, I'm cindy, you're losing your load'

Tony shook his head and drove on. At the next set of lights the car drew up again, the same blonde got out ran round to his cab and said 'Hi I'm Cindy, you're losing your load.

Again Tony shook his head and drove on. The same thing at the next set. Out of her car ran round and said 'Hi I'm Cindy, you're losing your load.

Tony shook his head and when the lights turned green floored his truck and managed to get to the next set of lights before the blonde. He stopped the truck got out and ran round to where the blonde had pulled up. She wound down her window and he said.

'Hi, I'm Tony, and I'm driving a ****ing gritter'


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## Woodmagnet (12 Jun 2007)

:lol: :lol:


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## Jaco (17 Jun 2007)

A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different Hell for each country. He decides he'll pick the least painful to spend his eternity. He goes to German Hell and asks, "What do they do here?" 
He is told first they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day". The man does not like the sound of that at all so he moves on. He checks out the USA Hell as well as the Russian Hell and many more. He discovers that they are all similar to the German hell. Then he comes to the South African Hell and finds that there is a long queue of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" 
He is told: first they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. The South African devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day. "But that is exactly the same as all the other hells. Why are there so many people waiting to get in?" he asks. "Because Eskom is struggling and is powerless, there is never any electricity, so the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable to sleep on. And, on top of that, the South African devil used to be a government employee, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes out to do his private business for the rest of the day." 

 8)


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## Russell (19 Jun 2007)

100 years ago 20 white man chasing a black man was the Klu Klux Clan, Now we call it F1


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## Jaco (23 Jun 2007)

New Words for 2007

* SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

* SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.

* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking pineapples.

* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and Then leaves. 

* ASSMOSIS.
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

* SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.

* PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

* SITCOMs.
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".

* SINBAD.
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'. 

* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the rubbish out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

* ADMINISPHERE.
The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes. 

* GOING FOR A McSHIT.
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies.

* 404.
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found" meaning that the requested document could not be located. 

* AUSSIE KISS.
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

* OH - NO SECOND. 
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just Made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').

* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

* JOHNNY-NO-STARS.
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from The outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

* MONKEY BATH .
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!".

* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

* MYSTERY TAXI.
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10 Pinter in your bed instead.

* BEER COAT.
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise At 3:00am. 

* BEER COMPASS.
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.

* BREAKING THE SEAL.
Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

* TART FUEL. 
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's Got 4 buttocks.


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## Jaco (23 Jun 2007)

WHERE WOULD YOU BE: 

IF - YOU HAD ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES? 

IF - YOU HAD NO WORRIES? 

IF - YOU CAME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL IS AWAITING YOU? 

IF - YOUR BATHWATER HAD BEEN RUN? 

IF - YOU HAD THE PERFECT KIDS? 

IF - YOUR PARTNER WAS AWAITING YOU, 
WITH OPEN ARMS AND KISSES? 


SO, WHERE WOULD YOU BE? 






HELLOOooo!!!!!!!!! 





YOU'D BE IN THE 
WRONG FREAKING HOUSE!


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## Jaco (30 Jun 2007)

Nine words women use... 

1.) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are 
Right and you need to shut up. 

2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. 
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more 
Minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. 

3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, 
and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing 
usually end in fine. 

4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It! 

5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement 
often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an 
silly person and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing 
with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.) 

6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women 
can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard 
before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. 

7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say 
you're welcome. 

8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying [email protected]!K YOU! 

9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning 
this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but 
is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's 
wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3. 

Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can 
avoid if they remember the terminology. 

Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true. 

:lol: :lol:


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## Steve Maskery (5 Jul 2007)

A Nun gets into the back of a taxi and the journey is long. The taxi driver and the Nun start talking and after a while the driver becomes confident.

"You know", he says,"I've always wanted to know what it's like to kiss a Nun. May I kiss you?"

"Get away with you, begorrah", replies the Nun, but she also giggles.

The taxi driver persists, "But it's only a kiss, nothing more".

"Are you married?" asks the Nun.

"No", replies the driver, "I'm single".

"Well, alright", says the Nun, "but just a kiss, mind".

So the taxi driver pulls over, gets into the back and kisses the Nun in a passionate but very traditionally proper manner.

A couple of miles later the Nun notices that the driver has gone quiet, and looking in the mirror she can see a tear in his eye.

"What's the matter?" asks the Nun.

"Well", replies the driver, "I wasn't entirely honest with you. I am married, and now I'm ashamed of what I have done."

"That's all right", replies the Nun, "I've not been entirely honest with you either. My real name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party".


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## Pip (5 Jul 2007)

There was once a clairvoyant little boy, who could foresee the future.
One night while saying his prayers, the little boy was heard to finish, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, goodbye Grandpa."
The next day his grandfather dropped dead of a heart attack. 
A few weeks later, the little boy was praying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma." 
The next day his poor grandmother was hit by a bus while crossing the street -- she never felt a thing. 

A month or so later, the little boy was praying and said, "God bless Mommy, goodbye Daddy." 

His father panicked. He had himself driven, very carefully and slowly, to work, by an armed guard in an armoured security truck he hired. He couldn't concentrate, however, thinking about those words, "Goodbye Daddy." He finally came home early, but very carefully. 

He was met at the front door by his wife, who said, "What do you think happened today, dear? 
The most awful thing – the milkman dropped dead on the back porch."


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## Pip (5 Jul 2007)

A chicken farmer went to a local bar... sat next to a woman and ordered
a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass
of champagne, too!"
"What a coincidence," the farmer says, "This is a special day for me, 
I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!" says the
woman.
"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses the
farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?" 
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my
gynaecologist told me that I'm pregnant!" 
"What a coincidence," says the man ... "I'm a chicken farmer, and for
years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying
fertilized eggs." 
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become
fertile?" 
"I used a different cock," he replied.

The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence”


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## DomValente (17 Jul 2007)

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made his usual announcement over the intercom. 

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back, relax and..... OH MY GOD!!!!!" 

There was a loud silence throughout the entire plane. For about 20 seconds, everyone sat frozen in their seats, staring up at the intercom speaker on the wall. Then, the captain came back on the intercom .... 

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of hot coffee and she accidentally spilled it into my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" 

An old man sitting somewhere near the back shouted, 

"That's nothing ... You should see the back of mine!"


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## Russell (18 Jul 2007)

"Two women talking in hell"



1st woman: "Hi! My name is Wanda".

2nd woman: "Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die"?

1st woman: "I Froze to Death".

2nd woman: "How Horrible"!

1st woman: "It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I

began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What

about you"? 2nd woman: "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected

that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the

act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV".

1st woman: "So, what happened"? 2nd woman: "I was so sure there was

another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house

looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the

basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the

beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became

so frantic that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died". 1st

woman: "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer- we'd both still Be

alive".


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## Jaco (22 Jul 2007)

Quiz for people who know everything 


This is a quiz for people who know everything! I found out in a hurry that I didn't. These are not trick questions. They are straight questions with straight answers 

1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends. 

2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables? 

4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside? 

5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear insi de the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle? 

6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters " dw" and they are all common words. Name two of them. 

7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them? 

8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.

9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter "S." 







Answers To Quiz: 

1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends . . Boxing

2. North American landmark constantly moving backwar d . Niagara Falls (The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.) 

3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons . . Asparagus and rhubarb.

4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside . . Strawberry.

5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the bottle. (The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.) 

6. Three English words beginning with dw . Dwarf, dwell and dwindle.

7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar . . Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.

8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh Lettuce.

9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with "S" . Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts. 

PLEASE DO YOUR PART....... Today is National Mental Health Day. You can do your part by remembering to send an e-mail to at least one unstable person 

Well, my job's done! 


LIFE IS A JOURNEY.
ROLL DOWN THE WINDOW AND ENJOY THE BREEZE!!!


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## Jaco (22 Jul 2007)

TATTOO





A gay man decides to get a tattoo. On arrival to the tattooist he spots a
picture of Evander Holyfield.


"Oh! He's my favorite darling. Can you do him on the cheek of my assss?" he
asked the tattooist.


So it was done. On the way out of the store he spotted another picture on
the wall, this time Mike Tyson. 

"Oh, good Lord!" the queer blurted out. "I just adore Iron Mike! Can you do him on my other cheek?"

So it was done. On returning home, his boyfriend says, 

"Well, drop your trousers, give us a look."


He dropped his pants and showed his assss.


His boyfriend gasped and replied, "I think our relationship is over! I sure
as hell ain't getting in the ring with those two."


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## Jaco (22 Jul 2007)

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne. 

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man.

As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched puffins," he replied.

She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"


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## Jaco (22 Jul 2007)

The Sportsman's Double

A man met an older woman at a club the other night.
She was a right sort for 57. 

They drank a bit, had a bit of a snog & then she asked him if he'd ever had the Sportsman's Double?

"What's the Sportsman's Double?", the man asked. 

"It's a mother and daughter three-some", she replied. 

The man told her he'd never had the Sportsman's Double.

They drank a bit more, and then she told him that it was his lucky night. 

He went back to her place.

She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs: "Mum, you still awake?"


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## RogerM (23 Jul 2007)

A man was spending the afternoon making wild passionate love to his secretary. Just as they had finished his mobile phone rang and it was his wife asking him to pick up some shopping on the way home, and where was he, and why wasn't he in the office? Stalling for time he said he'd tell her when he got home. 

"What am I going to tell her?" he asked his secretary. "I'm hopeless at telling lies".

"Look" she said, "Just take your shoes outside and wipe them in the mud and it will all be OK".

The man did as he was told and then drove home. 

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife.

"I cannot lie to you" he said. "I've been making wild passionate love to my secretary all afternoon".

His wife looked down at his muddy shoes. "Don't give me that rubbish you lying tow-rag" she yelled. "You've been playing golf haven't you!"


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## SketchUp Guru (24 Jul 2007)

This morning on the way to work I rear-ended a car at a light while not really paying attention. The driver got out...... He was a dwarf. 

He said, "I'm not happy"... 

And I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"


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## matthewwh (24 Jul 2007)

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
Nelson (reading aloud): "' England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious Persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting ' England 'past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it........... full speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."
Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"
Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
Nelson: "In that case............................... kiss me, Hardy."


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## cumbrian (25 Jul 2007)

A man had the misfortune to suffer from chronic insomnia. He was an agnostic, and also dyslexic.




He used to lie awake all night wondering if there really was a dog...........


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## Jim Linn (26 Jul 2007)

A man's in his living room when there's a knock at the door. He opens the door but there's no one there. He's just about to close the door when he sees a snail on the step so he kicks it down the garden path.

Three weeks later there's a knock at the door. He opens the door but there's no one there. He's just about to close the door when he sees a snail on the step. The snail says "no need for that!"



Two blondes walk into a building. You'd think one of them would have seen it.


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## SketchUp Guru (27 Jul 2007)

All of his life Ole had heard stories of an amazing family tradition.It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink. 

So when Ole's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Sven took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Ole stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Sven just barely managed to pull him to safety. 

Furious and confused, Ole went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?" 

Granny looked into Ole's eyes and said, "Because, you dolt, your father, grandfather and great-grandfather were born in January; you were born in July."


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## Anonymous (27 Jul 2007)

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION 

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true? 

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. 


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Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? 

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products. 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? 

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up! 


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Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? 

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? 

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good ! 


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Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? 

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! Foods! are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? 


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Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? 

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. 


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Q: Is chocolate bad for me? 

A: Are you crazy? HELLO ! Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around! 


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Q: Is swimming good for your figure? 

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me. 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? 

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! 


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Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. 

And remember: 
*"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride"*


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## Jaco (28 Jul 2007)

The only cow in a small Kwa-Zulu town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the river in the Free State for R1500. 

They brought the cow from the Free State and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy. 

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again. 

They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. 
However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. 

They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An
attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side." 
The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in the Free State?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. 
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in the Free State?" 


The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from the Free State."


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## Jaco (28 Jul 2007)

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...... 

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - back?


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## Jaco (28 Jul 2007)

A man took his wife to the Royal Lancashire Agricultural Show and one of
the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.

They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
"This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully
nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This
bull mated 120 times last year. " The wife gave her husband a healthy jab
and
said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in
capital
letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that
her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day. You
could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the

same cow."

NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable,
and he is expected to make a full recovery.


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## Jaco (28 Jul 2007)

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.

But every now and then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality.

Whispering......



Dave........



Dave........



Dave........



Dave........







........you're a vet.


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## cumbrian (31 Jul 2007)

Just to show that _Star Wars_ can stand the test of time (or not) - 

Luke and Obi-Wan are having a meal in a posh Chinese restaurant. The meal arrives, and Obi-Wan picks up his chopsticks and begins manoeuvring the food using great skill and dexterity, as you would expect of a Jedi master.

Luke, on the other hand, is all over the place. He picks up his chopsticks with both hands, and desperatly tries to get the food to his mouth, but to no avail. The meal ends up all over his clothes, all over the table, the other diners and the floor. He even manages to drop one of his chopsticks in his drink, such is his incompetence.

Eventually Obi-Wan, watching all this with a frown, lets out a deep sigh, puts down his chopsticks and says, in a weary voice, "Luke - use the forks."


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## Taffy Turner (31 Jul 2007)

Cumbrian - that was brilliant!

Made me laugh out loud!!!

Taffy


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