# Joke



## Blister (2 Mar 2010)

A woman goes into Harrods to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. 
She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. 
The Harrods salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades. 
She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" 
He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes." 
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. 
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb test line.
It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this week for £44." 
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter.
I'll take it!" 
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. 
"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says. 
As the lady bent down to pick up the card, she accidentally farted. 
She was embarrassed by this but said nothing hoping no one noticed.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be £58.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for £44.
How did you get to £58.50?"
He replies, "Yes Madam, the rod and reel are £44, but the Duck Caller is £11 and the Fish Bait is £3.50."


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## lurker (2 Mar 2010)

Not very funny [-( 

But at least you didn't mention the irish :twisted:


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## Tom K (3 Mar 2010)

Blister":1lw9gqmd said:


> An Irish woman goes into Harrods to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
> She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
> The Harrods salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.
> She says, "Begorrah. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel at all at all?"
> ...



Is that any better?


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## studders (3 Mar 2010)

Apparently it's Racist and been reported as such 

:roll: 

(not by me I hasten to add).


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## Smudger (3 Mar 2010)

No, by me.

It is, and has no place on a public forum.


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## Noel (3 Mar 2010)

Tom K":1wnkcqex said:


> Blister":1wnkcqex said:
> 
> 
> > An English woman goes into Harrods to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
> ...



Anybody do Australian?


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## Jake (3 Mar 2010)

Maybe peace would break out if we made these jokes about Martians for the purpose of this forum - I hope we all accept that they do not exist (having said that, that's probably a rash assumption).


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## Noel (3 Mar 2010)

Jake":1hu2de36 said:


> Maybe peace would break out if we made these jokes about Martians for the purpose of this forum - I hope we all accept that they do not exist (having said that, that's probably a rash assumption).



Wise up Jake, would you really see a Martian in Harrods of all places?


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## Digit (3 Mar 2010)

:lol: :lol: :lol: 

Roy.


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## Tom K (3 Mar 2010)

Blister":zxgit3ox said:


> A Sheila goes into Harrods to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
> She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
> The Harrods salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.
> She says, "Gidday Cobber. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
> ...



My Daddy was from Cloyne and we lived in Kalamunda W.A as kids.


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## RogerS (3 Mar 2010)

Some people need to get a life or a sense of humour.


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## Smudger (3 Mar 2010)

Some people need to realise that offending other people for the sake of it is neither big nor clever.


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## RogerS (3 Mar 2010)

Well why don't you simply ignore any thread that has Joke in the title?


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## studders (3 Mar 2010)

There was this Bloke.... (a) not sure what nationality he was, or what race or colour as I didn't actually see him, I was told about him by another, third party. 

Where was I ??? oh yeah...

There was this Bloke (a) right,
and he went into a Pub..... (b) not sure where the Pub was or even what Country it was in. Might not even have been a Pub at all. 

So anyway...

There was this unknown Bloke (a) who went into an unknown Pub (b) 
"Hello" said the Landlord (c) it might not have been Hello, it may have been some other greeting, in a different language entirely. I guess it just depends on where this Pub is exactly.
But, back to the joke.

There was this bloke (a) who went into a Pub (b) 
"Hello" (c) said the Landlord (d) No details about the Landlord are available to me at this time.. ,
So to recap..

There was this unknown bloke (a)
Who went into an as yet unknown Pub (b)
"Hello" said the Landlord , about who we know nothing at this time.
"What can I get you?" (please bear point c in mind here)
"I'd like a large one please" said the bloke (a with c applicable) to the Landlord (d)
"Wouldn't we All? "(c) said the Landlord (d) to the bloke (a)

Oh.. how they all laughed.


It has just been pointed out to me that it might not have been a bloke (a) at all. Just as well really otherwise the joke may have come across as sexist.


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## Smudger (3 Mar 2010)

Why don't you simply stop offending people?


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## studders (3 Mar 2010)

You have evidence that people other than you were offended?


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## Paul Chapman (3 Mar 2010)

studders":1xk5d8z1 said:


> There was this Bloke.... (a) not sure what nationality he was, or what race or colour as I didn't actually see him, I was told about him by another, third party.
> 
> Where was I ??? oh yeah...
> 
> ...



=D> =D> :lol:


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## studders (3 Mar 2010)

Blister":371iudir said:


> A woman goes into Harrods to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.



This Joke is extremely Fishist. I may report it.

Mr Fish


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## RogerS (3 Mar 2010)

Paul Chapman":3r5ktdlg said:


> studders":3r5ktdlg said:
> 
> 
> > There was this Bloke.... (a) not sure what nationality he was, or what race or colour as I didn't actually see him, I was told about him by another, third party.
> ...



ccasion5: ccasion5: \/


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## Noel (3 Mar 2010)

It was a bit elitist too. Why couldn't the person just go into Fishing Rods R Us?
In a street and town and country without a name of course.


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## studders (3 Mar 2010)

Noel":3jmkxmbq said:


> It was a bit elitist too. Why couldn't the person just go into Fishing Rods R Us?
> In a street and town and country without a name of course.



Not to mention sexist, although I just did... doh!

Why wasn't she getting a rod for a grand daughter?


Hmmmm that Blister fella has many questions to answer me thinks.


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## Paul Chapman (3 Mar 2010)

studders":3vcxnc1a said:


> Hmmmm that Blister fella has many questions to answer me thinks.



Yes, he should have mentioned that fishing rods and reels are also available from retailers other than Harrods...........


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## nanscombe (3 Mar 2010)

Smudger":2n5h5hg4 said:


> Why don't you simply stop offending people?



I actually find your serial evangelizing offensive.

I treat people with respect because they earn it. Nothing to do with their sexuality, race, colour or creed.

if they act like an a*sehole then they are an a*sehole.


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## Russ (3 Mar 2010)

? This forum used to be good.............. What's happened?


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## big soft moose (3 Mar 2010)

Russ":3d50thm8 said:


> ? This forum used to be good.............. What's happened?



someone told an irish joke last week, some one else took offence and chipped, and the wheels started falling off


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## big soft moose (3 Mar 2010)

Smudger":defqca3o said:


> Some people need to realise that offending other people for the sake of it is neither big nor clever.



and equally taking offence for the hell of it is neither big nor clever either


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## Noel (3 Mar 2010)

Don't think the Irish can be classified as a race, can they?


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## big soft moose (3 Mar 2010)

Noel":w5uze53o said:


> Don't think the Irish can be classified as a race, can they?



I can feel a joke about irish athletes coming on - but i'll control my baser urges 

but technically you are right - they arent a race in the same way that afrocaribean is a race , but they are a determinable ethnic grouping so technically the complaint should have been that then joke was determinal ethnic groupist


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## nanscombe (3 Mar 2010)

Noel":2r9865dz said:


> Don't think the Irish can be classified as a race, can they?



Well to be honest the objection was to a joke about a stereotype.

The sort of thing that Victor Meldrew would get hot under the collar about ... but that's just another stereotype, ie a grumpy, old man.


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## studders (3 Mar 2010)

Celts?? Are/were they a Race :duno:


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## big soft moose (3 Mar 2010)

studders":1v007s12 said:


> Celts?? Are/were they a Race :duno:



well yes - but the irish celts became ethnically different from those on mainland britain because they were never subdued and thus interbred with by the romans

after the romans left the irish celts used to raid the romano british celts and in fact occuipied several areas of wales including anglesey and lleyn (previously the british kingdomn of henis wyren), and the kingdom of dyfed

the irish celts were also not invaded by either the saxons or the danes - though there were norse kingdoms in ireland (particularly arround dublin)

then later still after the english invasion of ireland, lowland scots were brought in to do supervisor an enforcement type roles - and these scots may or may not have been celtic

all of which is a long winded way of saying that celtic and irish are not the same thing and the same stereotypes dont necessarily attach to the other celtic ethnicities ( welsh, cornish, scottish, and breton)


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## Noel (3 Mar 2010)

nanscombe":3rfvs7nh said:


> Noel":3rfvs7nh said:
> 
> 
> > Don't think the Irish can be classified as a race, can they?
> ...



Not quite, the person continually taking offence considers all Irish humour to be _racist_, his description.


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## studders (3 Mar 2010)

big soft moose":2yqezuna said:


> interbred with by the romans



:shock: 

Filthy swines. 

Thanks for the rest, as someone said "Well, I never knew that"


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## Mike.C (3 Mar 2010)

Paul Chapman":8iihu4g1 said:


> studders":8iihu4g1 said:
> 
> 
> > There was this Bloke.... (a) not sure what nationality he was, or what race or colour as I didn't actually see him, I was told about him by another, third party.
> ...



Ha Ha very good Studders :lol: :lol: :lol: 

Cheers

Mike


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## lurker (3 Mar 2010)

I think maybe we a being unfair on ol Smudge.
He must have a great sense of humour, after all he CHOOSES to live with the French.

8-[ it;s still OK to insult the french ain't it 8-[
I mean England has not totally gone to the dogs has it?


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## lurker (3 Mar 2010)

Smudger":qtsrc78r said:


> it is neither big nor clever.



Good God!
I've just realised Mr Smudge musta been one of my teachers. :shock: 

Or do they have to recite by heart that at teacher school :wink:


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## Digit (3 Mar 2010)

Well the French do Belgian jokes lurker, there's even some in the Asterix cartoons.

Roy.


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## matt (3 Mar 2010)

Russ":1roijk13 said:


> ? This forum used to be good.............. What's happened?



There was some offending done to someone closely followed by some counter-offending done to people (i.e. it was done to plural someones except some of the plural denied that they had had some offending done to them (which is OK)). There was some religious words done to some people too. And, I think, some people to whom offending was done did done some offending without realising it too. Someone got a new plane and we done some advice to that person before doing some more offending. Then there was someone who asked about a bandsaw and we done them (nicely). And then there was someone wanting to do some ignoring and now everyone wonders if they are the one that everyone wants to do some ignoring to. oh, and rogerS's house starting falling apart so we did some advice to him too. And there is a bash in Kent and everyone is wondering what they done and had done to them and will do some skirting around alliances and testing of waters to see if they can do some collective offending about other members. Oh, I nearly forgot - they was a relatively new member who done some advice about forums and using ^ and dung like that. Some people felt he'd done some offending so he got done. Meanwhile Wizer wanted to screw but couldn't find his screws and wants new screwdrivers (matching) - we done him.


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## studders (3 Mar 2010)

Yeah but, apart from that?

:wink:


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## Mike.C (3 Mar 2010)

Noel":341n2mpq said:


> nanscombe":341n2mpq said:
> 
> 
> > Noel":341n2mpq said:
> ...



Noel you must stop encouraging the Irish racism :wink: Or if they are not a race, you must stop encouraging the Ism :lol: 

Cheers

Mike


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## nanscombe (3 Mar 2010)

studders":10w7jfyp said:


> There was this Bloke.... (a) not sure what nationality he was, or what race or colour as I didn't actually see him, I was told about him by another, third party.
> 
> Where was I ??? oh yeah...
> 
> ...



Not related to Ronnie Corbett, are you? :lol: 

I could just see him sitting in his black chair telling a joke in this manner.


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## Noel (3 Mar 2010)

nanscombe":bc7oyrnk said:


> studders":bc7oyrnk said:
> 
> 
> > There was this Bloke.... (a) not sure what nationality he was, or what race or colour as I didn't actually see him, I was told about him by another, third party.
> ...



More like Val Doonican, he sat in a chair.


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## nanscombe (3 Mar 2010)

Noel":1e95yuv8 said:


> More like Val Doonican, he sat in a chair.



Maybe, but did he telling rambling jokes?


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## Smudger (3 Mar 2010)

Noel":2qn17y8v said:


> nanscombe":2qn17y8v said:
> 
> 
> > Noel":2qn17y8v said:
> ...



Noel - I'm not allowed to comment on your moderating decisions, but you are OK to take a pop at me, eh? In insulting terms, no less.


I may remind you that you have already agreed that these jokes are against the rules, but you allowed them anyway. Good thinking.

We won't mention the other business you just don't seem to have understood.


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## Noel (3 Mar 2010)

No, he did rambling singing. Paddy McGinty's Goat was a big hit. Can't say where he comes from.


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## Smudger (3 Mar 2010)

UKW expects members to behave respectfully and not to personally attack or be abusive to other members. ‘Offensive’ is a pretty broad term, but we think you know what we mean. This includes any messages or material that are ethnically, racially, religiously, or sexually offensive, insulting, or demeaning. It also includes messages that are harassing or threatening to others. 

Joke Threads
Please remember and be aware that not everyone has the same sense of humour and a joke you may find funny, might insult or cause offence to another member. This makes it extremely difficult for the moderators as we want to keep everyone happy. We will edit or delete any joke we feel that may cause offence to another member.

Your rules.


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## lurker (3 Mar 2010)

That chairs is a pretty poorly designed bit of woodwork 

 Sorry! I didn't mean to offend anyone by mentioning woodwork


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## studders (3 Mar 2010)

Smudger":qfw09ijd said:


> Your rules.



Another rule, frequently ignored by you.

_Any individual who feels aggrieved by the actions of a moderator should pursue the matter privately with that moderator. If the outcome remains unsatisfactory, the matter may be drawn to the attention of the administrator who will arbitrate a final decision. Questions or comments concerning warnings and bans will be conveyed through e-mail or private messaging.

Likewise, discussions regarding moderator actions are not permitted on the forum._

So you only wish rules that suit *you* to be acted on then?


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## Digit (3 Mar 2010)

:lol: :lol: :lol: 

Roy.


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## matt (3 Mar 2010)

*Competition Time:*
I just realised that I have broken one rule 1750 times since about one week ago... 
Who can work out what it is?


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## lurker (3 Mar 2010)

This is ALL MY FAULT having stirred up the irish question again.

So I'm leaving the forum forthwith 
Please send loads of "don't go lurker" to massage my inflated ego and I might consider staying.


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## studders (3 Mar 2010)

matt":2la7ahxw said:


> *Competition Time:*
> I just realised that I have broken one rule 1750 times since about one week ago...
> Who can work out what it is?



Is it rude?


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## studders (3 Mar 2010)

lurker":vqcmk9ih said:


> This is ALL MY FAULT having stirred up the irish question again.
> 
> So I'm leaving the forum forthwith
> Please send loads of "don't go lurker" to massage my inflated ego and I might consider staying.



See ya :lol: :lol: :lol:


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## matt (3 Mar 2010)

studders":17pg1lke said:


> matt":17pg1lke said:
> 
> 
> > *Competition Time:*
> ...



Nope. Not even racist (unless, of course, it could _currently_ be contrived as a slur on Australians - but even that would be a stretch). 1751 times now...

Oh, sorry - bye Lurker.


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## studders (3 Mar 2010)

matt":2drspcp0 said:


> Nope. Not even racist (unless, of course, it could _currently_ be contrived as a slur on Australians - but even that would be a stretch). 1751 times now...
> 
> Oh, sorry - bye Lurker.



Hmmmm????? is it any 'ist' at all?


Yeah, Bye Lurker


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## Karl (3 Mar 2010)

You've got two registered user names????


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## Jake (3 Mar 2010)

lurker":1q78l6cf said:


> So I'm leaving the forum forthwith



Maybe the country isn't going to the dogs after all - if lurkers are going to lurk instead of upsetting the world order by posting loads, things are looking up.


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## Noel (3 Mar 2010)

Smudger":3pewbpwp said:


> Noel":3pewbpwp said:
> 
> 
> > nanscombe":3pewbpwp said:
> ...



You can question me all you want, that's not a problem.
But you have on several instances described Irish jokes as racist, have you not? Where's the insult that you refer to? 
What business do I not understand? 
And where have I said these Irish jokes are against the rules? You consider the telling of Irish jokes against the rules because you think of them as racist jibes, is that correct?
I stated in an older thread that technically Irish jokes are racist. But I've thought about this (and learnt a bit from an earlier post on this thread) and realised that technically speaking the Irish are not a race, simply a nation, and a damn good one too. One that has humour and can laugh about ourselves.
I look forward to your reply.


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## Smudger (3 Mar 2010)

"The Irish are not a race"

Weasel words.

The Irish half of me is offended. Good enough?


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## demonpig (3 Mar 2010)

Hi everyone (even sshh you know who) I have only joined this site to let you how much I have enjoyed this thread. Thank God (not godism I hope)that humour still abounds.
I forget who said it (voltare I think) "I may not agree with what you say but, I will defend to the death your right to say it"
It is called free speech. Get a life Mr S or leave other people to enjoy theirs.

Keep up the humour and good work lads

DP


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## Digit (3 Mar 2010)

> One that has humour and can laugh about ourselves.



Absolutely!

Roy.


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## Mike.C (3 Mar 2010)

Noel wrote:

[/quote]simply a nation, and a damn good one too. One that has humour and can laugh about ourselves. 
I look forward to your reply.


> Yep I second that.
> 
> Cheers
> 
> Mike


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## Noel (3 Mar 2010)

Smudger":2j8j5c6k said:


> "The Irish are not a race"
> 
> Weasel words.
> 
> The Irish half of me is offended. Good enough?



You're calling me a weasel? Hmmmm.


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## Karl (3 Mar 2010)

Smudger":2e6qf1ma said:


> "The Irish are not a race"
> 
> Weasel words.
> 
> The Irish half of me is offended. Good enough?



The Irish half of me is not offended. And, from what i've seen, you're the only person who seems to think this is a problem Dick (apart from the recently departed Mike G).


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## Smudger (3 Mar 2010)

> You can question me all you want, that's not a problem.


When I did that elsewhere you deleted my posts, whilst leaving a very unpleasant insult aimed at me to stand.




> But you have on several instances described Irish jokes as racist, have you not?


Yes I have. They are. They make fun, in a rather unfully way, of an identifiable national or ethnic group.



> Where's the insult that you refer to?


I find your comments about me sneering.



> What business do I not understand?


Your own business as a moderator. Which is to follow and uphold the rules of the forum.



> And where have I said these Irish jokes are against the rules?


In this very post. They are technically against the rules - no such thing as 'technically' against the rules, they are actually against the rules.



> You consider the telling of Irish jokes against the rules because you think of them as racist jibes, is that correct?


Yes.



> I stated in an older thread that technically Irish jokes are racist.


Thank you.


> But I've thought about this (and learnt a bit from an earlier post on this thread) and realised that technically speaking the Irish are not a race, simply a nation, and a damn good one too. One that has humour and can laugh about ourselves.


Weasel words. Means nothing. I'm amazed you use an excuse like this and expect any intelligent person to swallow it.




> I look forward to your reply.


I look forward to you taking being a moderator seriously.


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## matt (3 Mar 2010)

studders":2jt8v9oi said:


> matt":2jt8v9oi said:
> 
> 
> > Nope. Not even racist (unless, of course, it could _currently_ be contrived as a slur on Australians - but even that would be a stretch). 1751 times now...
> ...



Sizeist, maybe.



Karl":2jt8v9oi said:


> You've got two registered user names????



Nope.


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## Smudger (3 Mar 2010)

Karl":h83m8s0v said:


> Smudger":h83m8s0v said:
> 
> 
> > "The Irish are not a race"
> ...



How many does it take? 5? 50? 

The post is against the rules of this forum. That is enough, surely?

Or where do you stop? Like on the other place, where a South African posts terrible anti-Black rants under the heading of jokes?


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## Smudger (3 Mar 2010)

Noel":2wsnsv7p said:


> Smudger":2wsnsv7p said:
> 
> 
> > "The Irish are not a race"
> ...



No. If you read a bit you'd know what weasel words are. Don't try that one, apart from anything else it looks dumb.



> Some weasel words may also have the effect of softening the force of a potentially loaded or otherwise controversial statement through some form of understatement,





> The expression weasel word derives from the egg-eating habits of weasels. An egg that a weasel has sucked will look intact to the casual observer, while actually being empty.


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## matt (3 Mar 2010)

I can't hit refresh fast enough...
Ooooh, we done some education now too.

Rule broken 1753 times now... :roll:


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## studders (3 Mar 2010)

Smudger":2f4ezbqu said:


> I look forward to you taking being a moderator seriously.



Now who's being offensive?

As well as boring and predictable in picking holes at every opportunity.


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## studders (3 Mar 2010)

Smudger":3us50sbz said:


> No. *If you read a bit* you'd know what weasel words are. Don't try that one, apart from anything else it looks dumb.



Another assumption?
I read a lot and I don't know what it is supposed to mean, Maybe I'm just dumb too?


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## Mike.C (3 Mar 2010)

Smudger":17yojaop said:


> Karl":17yojaop said:
> 
> 
> > Smudger":17yojaop said:
> ...



I cannot believe that this is still going on, and I cannot believe I am getting involved after the rubbish that Ray and I were blamed of last time. Dick if a thread in anyway states that there are jokes within why don't you just ignore it and pass onto the next one. That way your sensitive nature cannot be offended.

Cheers

Mike


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## Lons (3 Mar 2010)

studders":2fad3rgg said:


> There was this Bloke.... (a) not sure what nationality he was, or what race or colour as I didn't actually see him, I was told about him by another, third party.
> 
> Where was I ??? oh yeah...
> 
> ...



I might, if I could be bothered, be offended and report you for aiding the demise of the "pub" by suggesting it is a place where jokes that may or may not offend, be told, thereby tainting the image of said "pub" instead of treating it in a respectable manner and portraying it as a responsible serious and not so serious drinking establishment.

Just re-read that and it contains enough rubbish to be worthy of a post so...I'm off to bed before I get death threats :lol: :lol: :lol:


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## Smudger (3 Mar 2010)

Mike C - Because it is a wrong thing.


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## studders (3 Mar 2010)

matt":2dpd9cor said:


> Rule broken 1753 times now... :roll:



Yebbut, it's 'this last week' that's throwing me. :?


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## matt (3 Mar 2010)

studders":2pc174f4 said:


> matt":2pc174f4 said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



A clue...


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## Jake (3 Mar 2010)

Smudger":17ch6f7b said:


> The Irish half of me is offended. Good enough?



Surely the English half of you can tell it to stop being so stupid? (joke)

If anyone ever believed that there is any racial difference between English and Irish, they were the stupid ones and surely are already in the ground. I don't believe there is anyone on this forum who thinks that, or any Irish person who thinks that anyone on here thinks that. If anyone actually believed it I agree it would be offensive either to them or from them. 

For that that reason jokes about black racial stereotypes are quite rightly infra dig except within that community (a la Chris Rock). Or, as between someone of that race and someone they choose to allow to make such jokes. 

But ruling out jokes based on nationality, rather than ethnicity, en masse is a bit too dry old stick to me. I'm half american (with large doses of all sorts because of that), and I don't feel in the slightest upset when people take the water out of either english or americans, or any of the many countries which lie somewhere behind that (some of which were rather more persecuted hence their presence over there).


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## Karl (3 Mar 2010)

Smudger":2lpfykua said:


> Like on the other place, where a South African posts terrible anti-Black rants under the heading of jokes?


 
Perhaps that's the point - nobody else seems to be considering these as "anti-Irish rants". They are jokes. Pure and simple. Not a covert way of suppressing the Irish, or any other conspiratorial notion. 

In the (now infamous) Irish Joke Thread (in which it was stated that the jokes were offensive to the Irish) I raised a point as to whether there would be such a reaction if a joke thread about blondes or bankers was started. There was no response from either you or Mike G. 

I'm off to bed. So any non-response isn't to be taken as a sign of anything other than i'm tired :lol: 

Cheers 

Karl


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## Smudger (3 Mar 2010)

Jake, Karl - our opinions differ. But the rules say no...


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## Blister (3 Mar 2010)

:shock: 

That's the last time I post any jokes no this forum :? 

Won't waste my time trying to perhaps brighten someones day with a little chuckle or laugh 

And I thought this was a OPEN Public forum ? and the joke was in the GENERAL CHAT section 

Modds please delete this if you think I have / may / will offend someone 

HO HUM 

:?


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## Dave S (3 Mar 2010)

matt":24ust7aa said:


> I can't hit refresh fast enough...
> Ooooh, we done some education now too.
> 
> Rule broken 1753 times now... :roll:



Your avatar which you changed last week is 164 x 101 pixels.

The maximum alowed is 80 x 80 pixels.

What's my prize?  

Dave


----------



## Tom K (3 Mar 2010)

matt":3sgit6ti said:


> *Competition Time:*
> I just realised that I have broken one rule 1750 times since about one week ago...
> Who can work out what it is?



Avatar is in direct contravention of pixel count ..you utter cad!


----------



## Noel (3 Mar 2010)

Ok Smudger, do this for me, post a joke. Any kind of joke and I'm asking in order not to poke holes or find fault in it.


----------



## big soft moose (3 Mar 2010)

ahh yes those were the days

jokes 2

you have sexist jokes, irish jokes, lawyer jokes, jewish jokes, political jokes you name it for 11 pages - no one complained on the thread, no one reported them , now one spat the dummy and quit over them, and there was no fighting....

what's different now ?


----------



## studders (3 Mar 2010)

Lons":3su03q0i said:


> I might, if I could be bothered, be offended and report you for aiding the demise of the "pub" by suggesting it is a place where jokes that may or may not offend, be told,:



Jus you hang on a bit there Matey. :lol: 

I refer the Gentleman to...

_Might not even have been a Pub at all._


----------



## Smudger (3 Mar 2010)

Noel":n4nue0te said:


> Ok Smudger, do this for me, post a joke. Any kind of joke and I'm asking in order not to poke holes or find fault in it.



Then why are you asking such a thing? To prove I have no sense of humour, or some such other attempt to denigrate?

Ridiculous.


----------



## matt (3 Mar 2010)

Dave S":2znfevno said:


> matt":2znfevno said:
> 
> 
> > I can't hit refresh fast enough...
> ...



You got it! Except I do feel compelled to point out that the max avatar size is, in fact, 140 x 140 pixels. Unfortunately this means that you forfeit your prize and render the competition null & void. The judges decision is final, we will not enter in to a debate, you will not start another thread to discuss this decision.


----------



## Tom K (3 Mar 2010)

Blister":37se3ofa said:


> :shock:
> 
> That's the last time I post any jokes no this forum :?
> 
> ...


----------



## Mike.C (3 Mar 2010)

Smudger":2azpdom7 said:


> Mike C - Because it is a wrong thing.



Yes but you have already complained numerous times and we are still in the same position. So why keep banging your head against the wall. For saying what Mike.G and yourself said it has already caused bad feeling with members ignoring other members posts, and people having sly digs.

Maybe instead of having an ignore button as Chems suggested, we should have a . button as someone else said. At least that way members would know where they stand. Or just start a sticky where members can let other members know that they are not wanted, and they can then find another home to talking woodworking. Because all this back stabbing is just ripping the forum apart, and making us look like big kids.

Cheers

Mike


----------



## RogerS (3 Mar 2010)

I don't think Noel has to prove that you don't have a sense of humour, Dick. You have eloquently proved that yourself.


----------



## Digit (3 Mar 2010)

As the Irish half of Smudger is offended and 'tother half of isn't jewish I should be ok with this one...

_A man who has finally made it in business treats himself to a new Lamborghini. After buying it, he feels guilty so he goes to the Orthodox Rabbi and asks for a mezuzah for the Lamborghini.

"You want a mezuzah for what?" the Rabbi asks.

"It's a Lamborghini,"

"What's a Lamborghini?" asks the Rabbi.

"A sports car."

"What? That's blasphemy!" the Rabbi shouts. "You want a mezuzah for a sports car? Go to the Conservatives!"

Well, the man is disappointed, but goes to the Conservative Rabbi and asks for a mezuzah.

"You want a mezuzah for what?" the Rabbi asks.

"For my Lamborghini", the man replies.

"What's a Lamborghini?" asks the Rabbi.

"A car, a sports car."

"What kind of sports car?" asks the Rabbi.

"Italian."

"What? That is blasphemy!" the Rabbi shouts. "You want a mezuzah for a Goyishe car? Go to the Reform!"

Again, the man feels guilty and disappointed, but goes to the Reform Rabbi.

"Rabbi," he asks, "I'd like a mezuzah for my Lamborghini."

"You have a Lamborghini?" asks the Rabbi.

"You know what it is?" says the man.

"Of course! It's a fantastic Italian sports car. What's a mezuzah?" _

Roy.


----------



## studders (3 Mar 2010)

Blister":2kjlm3oa said:


> :shock:
> 
> That's the last time I post any jokes no this forum :?
> 
> :?



Why? A bit extreme considering only one person 'claims' it is offensive and only then after the editing of it, which wasn't done by you.


----------



## big soft moose (3 Mar 2010)

Smudger":1zswfgkm said:


> Noel":1zswfgkm said:
> 
> 
> > Ok Smudger, do this for me, post a joke. Any kind of joke and I'm asking in order not to poke holes or find fault in it.
> ...



could everyone please get a grip

The joke smudger complained about on this thread that kicked all this off wasnt even an irish joke - tom just added a quick spin of irish sterotyping to blisters joke in what was quite clearly an ironic comment on what happened last time.

what we have here is a serious case of SLOPS (severe loss of proprtion syndrome)

and as this thread clearly isnt going anywhere but down hill i would suggest the mods do the decent thing and put it out of its misery


----------



## Smudger (3 Mar 2010)

studders":11tpy7oe said:


> Blister":11tpy7oe said:
> 
> 
> > :shock:
> ...



Can I agree with that. In the context of the previous thread, and the editing of a joke here to carry on that argument, I reported the post which modified the original. I stand by that, even if none of you agree.
What I want is to see the rules properly applied.


----------



## Dave S (3 Mar 2010)

matt":35bz6pv1 said:


> Dave S":35bz6pv1 said:
> 
> 
> > matt":35bz6pv1 said:
> ...



I feel compelled to point out that on the Edit profile page https://www.ukworkshop.co.uk/forums/profile.php?mode=editprofile, scroll to the avatar control panel at the bottom - "Displays a small graphic image below your details in posts. Only one image can be displayed at a time, its width can be no greater than 80 pixels, the height no greater than 80 pixels, and the file size no more than 6 KB."

Cheat!


----------



## big soft moose (3 Mar 2010)

Digit":1seg5x3d said:


> As the Irish half of Smudger is offended and 'tother half of isn't jewish I should be ok with this one...
> 
> _A man who has finally made it in business treats himself to a new Lamborghini. After buying it, he feels guilty so he goes to the Orthodox Rabbi and asks for a mezuzah for the Lamborghini.
> 
> ...



can you help the gentiles amongst us out - what is a mezuzah ???


----------



## Tom K (3 Mar 2010)

After buying it, he feels guilty so he goes to the Orthodox Rabbi and asks for a mezuzah for the Lamborghini.

Roy, how does he attach it at shoulder height on a knee high car?


----------



## Digit (3 Mar 2010)

Oh sorry BSM. It's a copy scroll from the Torah that is fixed to the door frame of a Jewish household. It's written in Hebrew following strict religious guide lines by religious scribes. 
You touch the case each time you enter the house as a blessing, so attaching it to your car might not go down well with some.
Basically it's taking the P out of relaxed jewish religion and strict jewish religion.
Nothing's sacred! :lol: 

Roy.


----------



## Digit (3 Mar 2010)

> Roy, how does he attach it at shoulder height on a knee high car?



He's a midget? Hope that isn't midgitism! :lol: 

Roy.


----------



## Noel (3 Mar 2010)

Had to look that one up. Believe it should be at the entrance of every room as well if you are really strict.
Good joke BTW.


----------



## studders (3 Mar 2010)

Dave S":io1f89bj said:


> Cheat!



Double Cheat... Boooooooooooo

Surely you've not had the same avatar, or even the same size avatar, for all those posts? Hence you only broke the rules for posts where they did break the rules.
So, Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, I submit we woz led astray?


----------



## Noel (3 Mar 2010)

Digit":3kpt560d said:


> > Roy, how does he attach it at shoulder height on a knee high car?
> 
> 
> 
> ...



What are you if you do not like magnets?


----------



## Digit (3 Mar 2010)

You won't need to be Jewish to understand this one BSM....

_One sunny afternoon in New York, a priest was out shopping and he met, quite by chance, a vicar walking towards him. Naturally, they stopped to make polite conversation. As they were parting, the priest said to the vicar, "by the way, Vicar, before you go, my parishioners often say I look the image of Jesus Christ.... do you agree?" to which the Vicar scoffed"You.... look like our Lord? I can assure you, my parishioners have all agreed that I am the image of Jesus Christ."

Before they came to blows, a rabbi was walking towards them, and naturally stopped to speak to them. They explained their predicament, asking "which of us, do you think, Rabbi, is the image of Jesus Christ?" to which the Rabbi burst into shrieks of laughter.

"You?..... You?..... Neither of you" and continued to belly laugh. "As a matter of fact" he replied, "I KNOW I am the image of Jesus Christ.... and I can prove it!"

The priest and the vicar looked at each other in stunned silence. "Go on, then, prove it!" The rabbi said"Follow me." And away the three men went, walking through the main thoroughfare, down the backstreets and eventually arrived at a pretty seedy area.

Approaching one dingey property with a notice in the window offering "French Lessons on the Fourth Floor" the rabbi said, "Here we are, follow me." And up the rickety stairs the three men eventually arrived at a door with a little red light overhead.

The rabbi proudly thumped on the door and after a scuffle from inside, the door was opened by a blonde lady in a negligee to which she stared at the rabbi and proclaimed "Jesus Christ.... it's not you again!!!"
_

Roy.


----------



## Tom K (3 Mar 2010)

Noel":3rt9bob4 said:


> What are you if you do not like magnets?



Weird or an antimagnetismist


----------



## studders (3 Mar 2010)

Antimagnetist?

:?


----------



## studders (3 Mar 2010)

Damn I was so close.


----------



## Ironballs (3 Mar 2010)

Why don't we all stop poking an open wound and move on


----------



## Tom K (3 Mar 2010)

Ironballs":4v6d4sxe said:


> Why don't we all stop poking an open wound and move on



We have its the Jewish religion and magnets now.


----------



## Digit (3 Mar 2010)

Well we Jews don't seem to be offended but I expect a complaint from the magnets at any moment!

Roy.


----------



## studders (3 Mar 2010)

Bloody Magnets, they always stick together.


----------



## matt (3 Mar 2010)

Dave S":dh1gt6i4 said:


> matt":dh1gt6i4 said:
> 
> 
> > Dave S":dh1gt6i4 said:
> ...



But the "Rules" state 140 x 140 and I said I broke the rules...



studders":dh1gt6i4 said:


> Dave S":dh1gt6i4 said:
> 
> 
> > Cheat!
> ...



When I change my avatar it is changed for all my posts, of which there are 175?. I changed my avatar about a week ago.


----------



## studders (3 Mar 2010)

I still feel abused. :lol:

Or do I mean Deviously Misled?


----------



## Noel (3 Mar 2010)

studders":s9byvmgx said:


> Bloody Magnets, they always stick together.



Yes, enough of your magnetism, very unattractive (when turned the appropriate way, so to speak).


----------



## studders (3 Mar 2010)

Noel":1af8c62g said:


> enough of your magnetism, very unattractive



You started it.

:wink:


----------



## Noel (3 Mar 2010)

Perhaps magnetism is being insulting to kitchen units?


----------



## matt (4 Mar 2010)

I feel qualified to speak on behalf of kitchen cabinets. Some of my best friends are kitchen cabinets and I'm half kitchen cabinet. I just need to spend some time thinking hard about this to see if I can muster up some angst - bear with me.


----------



## studders (4 Mar 2010)

Is a Kitchen Cabinet of the same Race as A Kitchen Unit? 
We need to know these things.
This is a serious question and is not intended to be Cabinitist or Unitist. 
No offence was intended to Cabinets nor Units.


----------



## Digit (4 Mar 2010)

I protest! I'm not a nit!

Roy,


----------



## studders (4 Mar 2010)

Digit":cdzwl8mu said:


> I protest! I'm not a nit!
> 
> Roy,



Then you must be A Lert.


----------



## Digit (4 Mar 2010)

No. R not A!

Roy.


----------



## NickWelford (4 Mar 2010)

Will somebody please, please, please lock this thread?


----------



## Noel (4 Mar 2010)

I thought there were some informative and interesting posts the last page or so...... 
I don't understand why people quickly jump in and out of a thread shouting the odds, think you're the 2nd to do so. It's harmless now and a bit of infantile fun. Daresay it'll fade away shortly*.

Nice sig line BTW.

* Very shortly.


----------



## Mike.C (4 Mar 2010)

NickWelford":2hmbrkdm said:


> Will somebody please, please, please lock this thread?



No offence to you Nick, but I cannot understand why members come along and insist on a moderator closing a thread just because they do not like it, especially this one where Studders and co are having a bit of harmless fun. Why don't they just ignore the thread completely?

Put it this way, if you were channel hopping through the dozens of Sky channels that are now available and you came across a channel on which you did not like the content, would you contact Sky and demand that the channel was taken off air? No you wouldn't, you would just pass it by and watch something you do like.

Cheers

Mike


----------



## matt (4 Mar 2010)

I interpreted the plea as Tongue in cheek, albeit without any obvious signs. Largely because it comes after the thread has diminished to harmless but daft fun.


----------



## Noel (4 Mar 2010)

Nick, you threadist...

Ok, last orders everybody, bell is about to go.


----------



## Mike.C (4 Mar 2010)

matt":2kn7r0cw said:


> I interpreted the plea as Tongue in cheek, albeit without any obvious signs. Largely because it comes after the thread has diminished to harmless but daft fun.



If thats the case then I apologize   

Cheers

Mike


----------



## RogerS (4 Mar 2010)

There was an Englishman, a Scotsman....oh, all right then... :duno:


----------



## Digit (4 Mar 2010)

There are no Englishmen, we are British others! At least that was on the last piece of government paperwork that I dealt with.

Roy.


----------



## Noel (4 Mar 2010)

Digit":27zuopec said:


> There are no Englishmen, we are British others! At least that was on the last piece of government paperwork that I dealt with.
> 
> Roy.



So what's the official terms now? Just British or other? So you can't be Welsh or even Cornish?


----------



## Digit (4 Mar 2010)

It listed British Afro Caribean, British Pakistani, British Bangledeshi, British Indian or British other. I wrote 'English' and hoped they'd learnt geography at school!


----------



## big soft moose (4 Mar 2010)

Noel":2dwf2pxj said:


> bell is about to go.



i find that discrimninatory some of my best freinds are bells , they should be allowed to stay with the rest of us


----------



## Digit (4 Mar 2010)

That would be the bottled variety would it Moose? :lol: 

Roy.


----------



## Jake (4 Mar 2010)

Hardly a surprise that there would be a bell end in this thread. (joke, no offence, etc)


----------



## The Shark (5 Mar 2010)

Hi Guys,

Thanks,

You just helped a night-shift pass with some serious chuckling :lol: 

Malc


----------



## NickWelford (5 Mar 2010)

Matt is correct - it was tongue in cheek........ Sorry if I haven't mastered emoticons. Actually, some of the later postings have been quite amusing


----------



## big soft moose (5 Mar 2010)

Noel":2j33nruu said:


> * Very shortly.



how dare you be so un pc.... and you a moderator  

the correct wording is that " this thread is experiencing a high degree of temporal challenge " :lol:


----------



## RogerM (15 Jul 2010)

Not sure whether we are still allowed to tell Irish jokes, but here goes anyway!

Irish Virginity Test Kit

Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he could
tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.

His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a
Do-It-Yourself.... Virginity Test Kit.... a small can of red paint, a small
can of blue paint and a shovel."

Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"

The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you
paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue ..

If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...", you hit
her with the shovel.'


----------



## Digit (15 Jul 2010)

:lol: :lol: :lol: 

Roy.


----------



## Chems (15 Jul 2010)

Well seen as people are enjoying this rather than been all PC, I heard a good one the other day.

Murphy is walking down the street when he rounds a corner and sees a tower block on fire, people are hanging out of the windows so he calls up:
"JUMP JUMP, I'll CATCH YOU!"

The lady looks down, then behind her and decided to jump, Murphy catchers her and looks up for the next person who dutifully jumps down into Murphys arms. A black man then jump out of the window and Murphy steps aside and lets him fall to the pavement, he looks up at the window and screams:

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU FOOLS?! DON'T THROWN DOWN THE BURNT ONES!" 



This joke is meant with the lightest heart and upmost diversity!


----------



## mike-reid (16 Jul 2010)

wicked thread! brills to read and has made me get told off for laughing to loud.

i would like to bring everyones attention to this link, look at number two.

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=chimping

the fella who was offended had ''chimping in britian'' on his avatar. makes me wonder....

in jest of course, to those who blah blah..  

I have just read the rest of the explanations.....shocking!


----------



## Digit (16 Jul 2010)

I'm schtum! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: 

Roy.


----------



## RogerM (16 Jul 2010)

Digit":1tb8drw9 said:


> I'm schtum! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
> 
> Roy.



beginning to wish I had been!  :lol:


----------



## Lons (17 Jul 2010)

O-oh

you won't like this much then :!: 



_Letter from an Irish Mother to her Son

Dear Son, 

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well. 

You won't recognise the house when you get home - we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Irish family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.


This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.


Your father's got a really good job now. He's got 500 men under him. He's cutting the grass at the cemetery.


Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven't found out if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you are an auntie or an uncle.


Your brother Tom is still in the army. He's only been there a short while and they've already made him a court martial!


Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in the Dublin Brewery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.


I'm sorry to say that your cousin Seamus was arrested while riding his bicycle last week. They are charging him with dope peddling.


I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him.


The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice this week, first for three days and then for four days. Monday was so windy one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.


We had a letter from the under-taker. He said if the last payment on your Grandmother's plot wasn't paid in seven days, up she comes.


About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.


John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.


Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.


There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.


Your loving Mum


P.S. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the envelope._


----------



## mahking51 (19 Jul 2010)

I've really enjoyed this thread!

I do think , however, that the magnetist and anti-magnetist lobbies should call it a day as they are clearly poles apart....




Hat, coat etc....


Martin


----------



## Anonymous (21 Jul 2010)

There's an English man, Irish man and a Scotsman. They're being chased by a copper. They see this old warehouse so they run in. Inside there are 3 empty sacks on the floor. They each jump in a sack. In comes the copper and see's these three bundles on the floor. Goes up to the first one and kicks it. The English man shout out, "Woof Woof", and the copper thinking it's just an old dog leaves it and kicks the second sack. The Scotsman yells out, "Me-ow me-ow", he leaves this one as well thinking its just an old cat. He walks over to the last sack and kicks it, and the Irish man yells out.. "Potatoes Potatoes..!"


----------



## Benchwayze (21 Jul 2010)

studders":jeerwh5u said:


> Bloody Magnets, they always stick together.



Usually yes.. But some of them are poles apart. :wink: :wink: :wink:


----------



## RogerM (21 Jul 2010)

This looks like a great idea for those attending the next bash!


----------



## Benchwayze (21 Jul 2010)

Ahhh... A 'He-wee'! 

Are you looking Bannantyne? 
:lol: 


:wink: 

John


----------



## Jaco (23 Jul 2010)

big soft moose":304n7cnq said:


> ahh yes those were the days
> 
> *jokes 2 *
> 
> ...


 
Ahhhh, yes, there were some really good ones, for sure. :lol: :lol: 

(thats before some little goody-goody pink and fluffy whatever came along)


----------



## Jaco (25 Jul 2010)

Banana Test – A test of intelligence


There was a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals,

a Lion, a Chimpanzee, a Giraffe, and a Squirrel, who pass by. 


They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree. 
Who do you guess will win? 
Your answer will reflect your personality. 
So think carefully .. ... Try and answer within 10 seconds 
Got your answer? 
Now scroll down to see the analysis. 




















If your answer is: 
Lion = you're dull.. 
Chimpanzee = you're a moron. 
Giraffe = you're a complete silly person. 
Squirrel = you're just hopelessly stupid. 




A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS. 
Obviously you're stressed and overworked. 
You should take some time off and relax! 
Try again next year. 


_*
PLEASE NOTE NO ANIMALS WERE HARMED IN THE MAKING OF THIS JOKE*_

[/i]


----------



## Benchwayze (25 Jul 2010)

Jaco":29lqh0ms said:


> Banana Test – A test of intelligence
> 
> 
> There was a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals,
> ...



Give me strength! Please? 

:lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## Jaco (9 Aug 2010)

Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads.

A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing. She believed him to be her dream guy so much, that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later she killed her sister.

Question: What is her motive for killing her sister?
[Give this some thought before you answer, see answer below]














































Answer:



She was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again. If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer.

Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly.

If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you.

If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off my email list...


----------



## Racers (9 Aug 2010)

Hi,

I call my granddad "Spiderman" he doesn’t have superpowers, he just has trouble getting out of the bath.


Pete


----------



## Jaco (15 Aug 2010)

A new council tax-evaluation policy wants to charge us more if we live in a nice area. That ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in rough areas.

There is a huge council house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs. Her car isn't taxed or insured and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing.
Her bad-tempered old man is notorious for racist comments. A shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son and his son's girl-friend, but nothing has been proved.
All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought
was gay.

Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always out partying in nightclubs. They are out of control.











I hate living near Windsor Castle.


----------



## Benchwayze (15 Aug 2010)

With my name, people keep referring to a certain kind of whisky that is sold in a square bottle. According to PC, that should offend me, but it doesn't. 

When someone calls me Johnny though it does upset me, but I have to explain why, and it has nothing to do with alcoholic liquor! It doesn't have anything to do with PC either. 

A great pal of mine is a Scot, who insists on being called Jock. So where's the harm in it? I don't mind being called 'Brum'. 

Any Geordies here who don't like being referred to as Geordies? (And where does the tag come from and have I spelled it correctly (Jordie?) :wink: 

To be serious, this PC thing is the reason'so-called comics' now rely on sarcasm, snide remarks and 'effing and blinding'. To stay within the law, there's nothing else they can be 'funny' about. So we get drivel such as Dawn French served up the other day. 

John (AKA Jack, JonJon and Oi you!)


----------



## Max Power (15 Aug 2010)

Comedy died when the likes of Ben Elton came along :evil: Benny Hill was still being watched by half the planet years after the loons considered him too un pc to be broadcast here


----------



## Benchwayze (15 Aug 2010)

Ben Who? :wink:


----------



## Jaco (22 Aug 2010)

_*The Nail*
_

Maggie, a blonde city girl, marries a New Zealand dairy farmer. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Maggie, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
So then the farmer leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and 
knocks on the front door. 
Maggie takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one...right here.'

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, 'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?'

That's simple. By the nail over its stall', Maggie explains very confidently .

Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?' 

She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, 'I guess it's to hang your trousers on.'


*Note - No cows or blonds were hurt during the making of this joke*


----------



## Lons (22 Aug 2010)

Benchwayze":3ks73wcr said:


> With my name, people keep referring to a certain kind of whisky that is sold in a square bottle. According to PC, that should offend me, but it doesn't.
> 
> When someone calls me Johnny though it does upset me, but I have to explain why, and it has nothing to do with alcoholic liquor! It doesn't have anything to do with PC either.
> 
> ...




Well said sir :!: 

An a've niver had a problem with onybody caalin us a Geordie :lol: 

They caan caall us whativer they like man as lang as they divint hit us :wink: 

Bob


----------



## Benchwayze (22 Aug 2010)

Well Villa are up there today... 

So as a Villa/New-castle supporter I have divided loyalties, but I hope the Villa win. 

:wink: 

regards
John


----------



## Anonymous (22 Aug 2010)

I have a joke.

Aston Villa.

3:0 down by half time.

And yes i am a Villa fan, and yes i am glad o'neil has gone, I also think .........................well to be honest you lot probably don't give a rats ass.


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## Benchwayze (22 Aug 2010)

I do though Mark. And I am disgusted. A 6-0 thrashing. They played like novices. 

And the club in general..

No incoming talent worth speaking of, despite the 'transfer window'.
Arguably, our best player goes to Man City! 
And Carew? Now there's a joke.

What's the betting they will be calling for Lerner to go?


:twisted:


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## Anonymous (22 Aug 2010)

I actually like lerner john, he is a good businessman, and i understood his reasoning for the sell to buy policy, as he had 250 grands a week worth of talent not getting on the pitch under oneil

Villa have a seriously good youth academy and the next manager will need to blood them one at a time a few minutes at a time to get the best out of them.

We did sell our best player to man city last week, but one player isn't a team, although judging by todays performance i'm probably completely wrong.

I say give macdonald till january as its highly unlikely we will be bringing any new players in within the next 2 weeks and he knows the reserves and the academy better than anyone. Don't forget we lost the engine last week and it takes time to fire up a new one.


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## Lons (22 Aug 2010)

Benchwayze":3v9g980f said:


> Well Villa are up there today...
> 
> So as a Villa/New-castle supporter I have divided loyalties, but I hope the Villa win.
> 
> ...




 What was that you said John  

Have to admit though, my prediction was 1-0 to NUFC

Bob


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## Max Power (22 Aug 2010)

\/ 6-0 6-0 6-0 6-0  ccasion5:


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## Benchwayze (22 Aug 2010)

Just have to see you all at Villa Park I guess. 

I can't deny, that Villa were abysmal...

:wink: 
John


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## woodguy7 (22 Aug 2010)

Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they will be closing lanes 7 & 8.


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## Lons (23 Aug 2010)

Benchwayze":2vtmc40o said:


> Just have to see you all at Villa Park I guess.
> 
> I can't deny, that Villa were abysmal...
> 
> ...



I'm saying nothing more John !

As a lifelong Toon suporter, I've been where you are now far too many times to take anything for granted or to gloat for long.

Most of us would have taken any win as a bonus before the match.
Interesting that Shearer bet on Carrol to get a hat trick though :wink: 

_*woodguy7*_
_Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they will be closing lanes 7 & 8_.

#-o (hammer)


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## Benchwayze (23 Aug 2010)

Well Lons, 

I do have enormous respect for Shearer. So I hope he made the bet worth the while for charity! 

I might open a new thread on footie.

Catch you later

John


----------



## dannykaye (23 Aug 2010)

I'll do a deal, I'll stop telling Irish jokes on one condition, you persuade all the Irish to stop telling Kerryman jokes


----------



## Russ (30 Aug 2010)

19 irish men walk in to a Cinema, 'why so many of you?' a lady asked.
'it says over 18 only' replied one of the irish men.


----------



## Noel (30 Aug 2010)

An English man, a Scottish man and an Irish man are in a car driving across the desert. Car breaks down. 100 miles to the next oasis, running low on water they decide that they would have to travel by foot or they would perish in the searing heat.
The English man suggests taking anything from the car that will help them on their journey so he takes the radiator saying "well boys, if I get thirsty I will have some water at hand". The Scottish man declared "I shall take the back seat and if I get tired I can lie down in comfort".
Paddy had been scratching his head in deep thought and wondered what would aid him on the long walk. "I shall take the driver's door". The English man asked Paddy why on earth he wanted to take the driver's door. 
"Well my friend, it's like this. If I get too hot I can wind the window down".


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## big soft moose (30 Aug 2010)

take it you've heard about the irish shoplifter..... found dead under tesco

and the irish tap dancer.... who fell in the sink

and the irish sea scout... who's tent sank


and not to mention the irish girl who wont use a vibrator.... because it chips her teeth :lol:


----------



## studders (31 Aug 2010)

Humph..... I'm outraged.

:wink:






Edit. Is there an Inraged? If not why not? Ragism maybe?


----------



## Benchwayze (31 Aug 2010)

Steady on Studders. They'll set the Furioso on you! :lol:


----------



## Jaco (12 Sep 2010)

_*The Brits travel abroad*_

(Survey by Thos Cook and ABTA)



"I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does
not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

"It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often
needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."

"On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every
restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

"We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring
our swimming costumes and towels."

A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a
visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast
ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".

A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in
by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the
back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.

"The beach was too sandy."

"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure
shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and
strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as
my husband spent all day looking at other women."

"We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street trader,
only to find out they were fake."

"No-one told us there would be fish in the sea.. The children were
startled."

"It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the
Americans three hours to get home."

"I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends'
three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

"The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee
hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"

"There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The
food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."

"We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."

"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests
before we travel."

"I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."

"My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a
double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find
myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room
that we booked."


----------



## Max Power (13 Sep 2010)

An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test 'Here's your first question,' the foreman said.

'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Without numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsaeasy.' and he proceeds to draw three trees.

'What's this?' the boss asks.

'Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree makeanine,' says the Italian.

'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.'

The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. 'Ere yougo.'

The boss scratches his head and says, 'How on earth do youget that to represent 99?'

'Each of da trees isa dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, anddirty tree, and dirty tree . Dats a a 99.'
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, 'All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.'

The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says,'Ere you go. One hundred.'

The boss looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!'


The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says,
'A little doga come along and shita by eacha tree. So now you gota dirtytree and a cowpat, dirty tree and a cowpat, and dirty tree and a cowpat, data makeaone hundred.

So, whenna I start?


----------



## Max Power (13 Sep 2010)

Paddy goes to Canada to be a lumberjack. 1st day on the job and the boss gives him a chainsaw & says" Listen Paddy, I expect 100 trees felled per day, if you don't make the grade you're out!" 12 hours later Paddy staggers back into the camp and collapses.
"How many trees Paddy?" says the boss."97" croaks Paddy.The boss sees how totally shattered Paddy looks and gives him one last chance. 
Next day, after 13 hours Paddy is carried in by the other loggers."How many?" says the boss. "98" wheezes Paddy. Another logger says "Jeez boss, that Paddy might be a bit short, but he worked non-stop for 13 hours, no lunch ,nothing!" The boss wonders if Paddy's chainsaw might be faulty so he pulls the cord and the saw roars into life. Paddy leaps up and shouts" be jesus what's that noise?"


----------



## Max Power (13 Sep 2010)

Rafa Benitez flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi lad play football, 
is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to play for 
Liverpool. 

Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to United with only 20 
minutes left. So Benitez gives the young Iraqi striker the nod, and on he goes. 

The lad is a sensation and scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the 
game for Liverpool. 

Benitez is delighted, the players and fans are delighted and the 
media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch, he phones his 
Mum to tell her about his first day in English premiership. 

"Hello Mum, guess what?" he says in an Iraqi accent. "I played for 20 minutes today, 
we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 goals and we won. Everybody loves me - the fans, 
the media, they all love me". 

"Wonderful", says his Mum, "let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in 
the street and robbed. Your sister and I were ambushed, robbed and beaten, 
and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such a 
great time". 

The young lad was very upset. "What can I say Mum, except that I am very sorry?" 

"Sorry?!!!" says his Mum. "It's your bloody fault we moved to Liverpool in the first 
place!!"


----------



## Jaco (30 Sep 2010)

A young couple wanted to join the church. The pastor told them, "We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month.

The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.

When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed. "You are back so soon, is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month." the young man replied sadly.


The pastor asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult. However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower."

The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain."

"However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible, anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts."

"One afternoon my wife reached for a can of beans and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex.



It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat." admitted the man, shamefacedly.

The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, "You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church"

"We know." said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome at Wallmart Supermarket either."


----------



## Henning (1 Oct 2010)

Alan Jones":3i8jg3pb said:


> Paddy goes to Canada to be a lumberjack. 1st day on the job and the boss gives him a chainsaw & says" Listen Paddy, I expect 100 trees felled per day, if you don't make the grade you're out!" 12 hours later Paddy staggers back into the camp and collapses.
> "How many trees Paddy?" says the boss."97" croaks Paddy.The boss sees how totally shattered Paddy looks and gives him one last chance.
> Next day, after 13 hours Paddy is carried in by the other loggers."How many?" says the boss. "98" wheezes Paddy. Another logger says "Jeez boss, that Paddy might be a bit short, but he worked non-stop for 13 hours, no lunch ,nothing!" The boss wonders if Paddy's chainsaw might be faulty so he pulls the cord and the saw roars into life. Paddy leaps up and shouts" be jesus what's that noise?"



That had me in tears! Still laughing, but feeling very sorry for Paddy :lol:


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## Max Power (2 Oct 2010)

Glad you liked it Henning


----------



## Max Power (2 Oct 2010)

A teacher arrives at a school to fill in for an absent member of staff. The headmaster asks her name and she says "Miss Franny". "Ooh, I don't think I'll remember that" says the head. "It's easy" says the teacher, "just think of Fanny with an R". The teacher is taken along to the classful of children and the head is introducing her to her new class he says "Children, I'd like you to meet your new teacher... Miss Crunt!"


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## Max Power (2 Oct 2010)

A sex therapist reckons the best way for a woman to arouse a man is to lick his ears for 10 minutes, personally I think it's b*ll*cks


----------



## nanscombe (2 Oct 2010)

... unless he's Ferengi


----------



## woodbloke (6 Oct 2010)

I heard this one yesterday for the first time but I 'spect it's done the rounds.

The Grim Reaper paid me a visit last night but I beat him off with with a vacuum cleaner...it's what you call dyson with death - Rob


----------



## Ironballs (6 Oct 2010)

Your coat is waiting for you by the door Rob


----------



## cambournepete (6 Oct 2010)

Peter Allen read it out on Radio 5 Live Drive last week - made me laugh


----------



## xy mosian (15 Oct 2010)

My window cleaner was showing me his new 'phone yesterday.
His wife is listed as 'Five Horses' ?????????????????


NAG, nag, nag ,nag, nag :lol: 

xy


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## Max Power (15 Oct 2010)

A gorilla walks into a bar, pulls up a stool, and orders a beer. The bartender pours him a tall, frothy mug and says "That'll be five pounds." As the gorilla is paying for his beer, the bartender adds "You know... we don't get many gorillas in here." To which the gorilla replies, "At five pounds a pint, it's no wonder..."


----------



## Max Power (15 Oct 2010)

A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes:

"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!" 

She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note: 

"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from him: 


"I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES! USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!!"


----------



## Max Power (15 Oct 2010)

Two blondes were driving down the road.
The blonde driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working. So the blonde looks out the window and says, ''Yes. No. Yes. No


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## Max Power (15 Oct 2010)

A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 Oclock news. 
A man was shown threatening to jump from the Tyne Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead £50 that he wouldn't jump.
Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead £50. 
The redhead said, "I cant take this, you're my friend."But the blonde insisted saying, "No. A bets a bet."
Then the redhead said "Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O clock news, so I cant take your money."

The blonde replied "Well, so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again!"


----------



## studders (15 Oct 2010)

I hope a New Joke Book is on your want list for chrimble.

:lol:


----------



## Max Power (15 Oct 2010)

The old ones are the best Studders :lol: :lol:


----------



## Max Power (16 Oct 2010)

A good looking man walked into an agent’s office in Hollywood and said,”I want to be a movie star.”

Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had all the `Right’ credentials.

The agent asked, “What’s your name?”

The guy said, “My name is Penis van Lesbian.”

The agent said, “Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name.”

“I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever!”

The agent said, “Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years…..you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I’m telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you.”

“So be it! I guess we will not do business together” the guy said and he left the agent’s office.

FIVE YEARS LATER…

The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.

Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $ 50,000? He reads the letter enclosed…

“Dear Sir,

Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian.

After I left your office, I thought long and hard about what you had said. I decided you were quite right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed up with another agent. There is no doubt that I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke


----------



## jpt (16 Oct 2010)

=D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D>


----------



## Jaco (17 Oct 2010)

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation,
died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur,
"Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have
changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone
you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said "I want to hang
out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and
introduced him to God.

Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman"
God said, "Ah, yes."
Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some
major design flaws in your invention.

1. There! 's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust. And finally,
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold
on." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words
and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper
and God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,"
God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are
riding my invention than yours."


----------



## Max Power (19 Oct 2010)

The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.
It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
The average man's erection is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.
:lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## Max Power (19 Oct 2010)

What Lies Ahead For Us



FAMILY

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses... She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Wa s I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."




TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO ME!!!

An elderly Londoner called 999 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard.." He says, "She got in the back-seat by mistake.."


I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday..." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."


ROMANCE

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked..
"To get my teeth!"



DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces," Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."




OLD FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.... I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"


----------



## Max Power (21 Oct 2010)

They must all be like that Jaco, mine's got built in radar :lol:


----------



## toysandboats (21 Oct 2010)

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" the biker asks, menacingly, as I burst into tears. 
"Come on, man," he says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I reply. " I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. Then I left my wallet in the cab I took home, where I found that my wife had run off with the gardener and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all . . . I buy a drink . . . I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! "


But enough about me . . . How are you feeling?

David


----------



## big soft moose (21 Oct 2010)

True story this one , but still funny

My mate Dan is in the army and a couple of months back he deployed to afganistan - we met for a drink before he left and he told me this :

Pete, If anything happens to me out there I want you to tell my bother in law that Ive buried £5000 in a biscuit tin under his back lawn

Me : you what, you buried £5k under your brother in laws lawn !! are you serious ???

Him : of course not, but hes a prick , and it will serve him right :lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## skeetoids (21 Oct 2010)

Hear about the Scottish guy who swallowed a condom?
He shat a haggis!


----------



## Max Power (22 Oct 2010)

Urgh that is gross :shock:


----------



## Pvt_Ryan (22 Oct 2010)

The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat.. 

There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. 

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. 

"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong puppy out the window!

---------------------------------------------------------------
Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community.

After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.

So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow (with a big towel) that was having difficulty breeding. This would cool her down and make her relax.

So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.

So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested.

After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel.

They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.

When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said: 'And that, me son, is how ya waves a fukkin' towel!'


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## Max Power (23 Oct 2010)

Kenny the Rooster



Well, Kenny the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny. The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, first, giving the rooster a pep talk. I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.


Kenny seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the Hen house and Kenny took off like a shot. WHAM!-Kenny nails every hen in the hen house- three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Kenny is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. 

The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Kenny on his back, stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says,

"Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer".


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## Max Power (23 Oct 2010)

X Factor joke



Cheryl Cole, louis Walsh & Simon Cowell are walking along the street when Cheryl trips, falls forward and jams her head in some railings. Simon, quick as a flash pulls her knickers down, and bangs her senseless from behind. Slapping her tight little bum he turns to Louis and says "Your turn" Louis starts crying. "What...s wrong ?" says Simon. Louis sobs "My head wont fit in the railings !"


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## Max Power (23 Oct 2010)

On a hot summer day, a country bumpkin came into town with his dog. He tied the dog under the shade of a tree and went into the bar for a cold beer.

About 20 minutes later a policeman came into the bar and asked who owned the dog tied under the tree. The bumpkin said that it was his. The policeman said, "Your dog seems to be in heat."

The bumpkin replies, "No way dawg's in heat...she's cool kawse I got 'er tied unner the shade tree."

The policeman says, 'No! You don't understand your dog needs to be bred.'

"No way,' the bumpkin says, 'dawg don't need bread, she ain't hongry, kawse I fed 'ER beef jerky this mornin'."

Now the policeman gets mad and yells out; 'NO! You don't seem to understand, your dog wants to have sex!'

The redneck looks at him with a long pause and says,

"Go 'head. I always wanted me a police dawg."


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## adidat (25 Oct 2010)

Big fat lass sitting on her own in the night club. Bloke goes over to her and asks if she's got a pen. Thinking her luck is in she smiles and reaches into her handbag saying yes.

He says, Well you'd best get back to it cos the farmer will be wondering where you've gone


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## xy mosian (25 Oct 2010)

Old Bert goes to the Doctor's . "I going deaf i' one ear" he says.
"Which ear?" Asks the Doctor.
Bert thinks and eventually says... "One nearest t' wife"


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## Dodge (26 Oct 2010)

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP. 



2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK. 



3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER. 



4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON. 



5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES, THEN YOU'LL BE TOO AFRAID TO COUGH. 



6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE. 



7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM. 



DAILY THOUGHT: 

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS .
_________________


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## Jaco (31 Oct 2010)

A woodworker is applying for a job and must answer three questions!
Here's your first question," the foreman said. 
"Without using numbers, represent the number 9." 
"Without numbers?" The woodworker says. "Dat is easy," and proceeds to draw three trees. 
"What's this?" the foreman asks. 
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the woodworker. 
"Fair enough," says the foreman. "Here is your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99." 
The woodworker stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "'Ere you go." 
The foreman scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?
" Each of da trees is dirty now ! So it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99." 
The foreman is getting worried he's going to have to hire this fellow, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.
" The woodworker stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, Ere you go. One hundred." 
The foreman looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!
" The woodworker leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree, and says, "A little dog come along and rubbish by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a cowpat, dirty tree and a cowpat, and dirty tree and a cowpat, which make one hundred... So when I start?"


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## Steve Maskery (3 Nov 2010)

A German guy approaches a lady of the night. 

'I vish to buy sex viz you.' 

'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge £20 an hour.' 

'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.' 

'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.' 

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller. 

'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your Hans und knees.' 

The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees. 

'Now you vill get on your Hans und knees.' 

She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs. 

'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.' 

She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.) 
She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. 
The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say, 

'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position?'



`



`



`



`

'Ah,' says the German . . 'zat is ze.... Four-sprung Duck technique'


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## studders (3 Nov 2010)

And how is Noah these days? He finished that Boat yet?


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## big soft moose (3 Nov 2010)

theres a much ruder version with the punchline "four sprung pork technique", but i dont think we'll go there


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## Pvt_Ryan (3 Nov 2010)

big soft moose":2sap6fkc said:


> theres a much ruder version with the punchline "four sprung pork technique", but i dont think we'll go there



Was that not in "The deer hunter"?


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## Jaco (6 Nov 2010)

SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. 
The waiting room was filled with patients. 
As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a unfriendly woman 
who looked like a Sumo wrestler. 
He gave her his name. 


In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; 
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?" 

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. 
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT 
A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS." 

The room erupted in applause! 


DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS.


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## Jaco (6 Nov 2010)

CHECK FOR ALZHEIMER'S - PRETTY AMAZING

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of
Psychiatry at Harvard University.
Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.

The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5.. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.


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## toysandboats (7 Nov 2010)

George, an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "OK."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Georges residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

I LOVE IT! Don't mess with old people

David Ward


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