# A tip.



## whiskywill (4 Oct 2017)

Q. How do you turn a duck into a singer?
A. Put it in the microwave oven until its Bill Withers.


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## monkeybiter (4 Oct 2017)

:lol: =D>


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## NazNomad (4 Oct 2017)

What's E.T. short for?

He's only got little legs.


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## Racers (4 Oct 2017)

Why do elephants have big ears?

Because Noddy won't pay the ransom.

Pete


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## Cordy (4 Oct 2017)

Yesterday morning I bought two six packs of beer on sale at the Off licence. I put them on the front seat of the car and headed back home.

I stopped at the service station where this drop-dead gorgeous blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.

It was very warm and she was wearing tight shorts and a light top which didn't leave a lot to the imagination.

She glanced over, saw the beer, then bent over and knocked on my passenger window.

With her body parts almost falling out of her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice, “I'm a big believer in barter old fellow, would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"

I thought for a few seconds and said, "What kind of beer have you got?"


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## n0legs (4 Oct 2017)

:lol: 


:arrow: Cordy :lol:


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## whiskywill (5 Oct 2017)

My pet mouse, Elvis, died yesterday.

He was caught in a trap.


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## Jonzjob (6 Oct 2017)

Did you here about the dyslexic pimp who bought a wharehouse?


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## Phil Pascoe (6 Oct 2017)

Dyslexics lure, KO!


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## ossieosborne (6 Oct 2017)

Q. Why have elephants got four feet?

A. They'd look silly with 6 inches!


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## NazNomad (6 Oct 2017)

I got a letter from ScrewFix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.


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## Noel (6 Oct 2017)

whiskywill":3r0wmd3n said:


> My pet mouse, Elvis, died yesterday.
> 
> He was caught in a trap.



Hope you are not too shook up about it.


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## Jonzjob (6 Oct 2017)

I expect he's staying in hearbreak hotel?


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## whiskywill (10 Oct 2017)

I've got an inferiority complex....................................but it's not a very good one.


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## Bm101 (10 Oct 2017)

Getting back on the topic of ducks.

Reminded me. Though I don't think all jokes work via tinternet and this may well be one.

Man walks into a pub. The pub's dead. Not a soul in there. He orders a pint and the Landlord sighs, gets up, pours him a beer then sits down and puts his head back in his hands. 
'Hard times?' says the fella.
'God yeh' says the landlord. Bought the pub a few weeks back and I'm nearly bankrupt already. Tried it all. Quiz nights, bands, buy one get one free. The lot. No matter what I try I cant get a customer. I'm at my wits end. If it carries on like this I'm finished.'

Your man has a think and says, 'Calm down I'll be back in an hour.'

Sure enough an hour later your man walks back in and he has a tin under one arm and a duck under the other.
The Landlord looks bewildered.
'Watch' say the fella.

He puts the tin on the bar and then put the duck on the tin. Lo and behold the duck starts tap dancing like a good un. Little flappy feet going like the clappers.

'F*ck me thats amazing!' says the Landlord.

'Just put him in the window and Ill be back in a week' says your man.

Sure enough. a week later the fella walks by the pub but now its a different place. It's packed to the rafters, theres 100s in there. Beer flying around and all come to see the amazing tap dancing duck. Pushing his way through the crowds the fella finally gets to the bar. He get's the attention of the landlord. 'How's it going?' he says. 'Better?'

The landlord is white as a sheet, there's bags under his eyes and he looks like a dead man walking.
'Well' he says. First I have to thank you. You've saved my business.I owe you everything.'

'Well, what's the problem?'

'I haven't slept for a week! The beer is selling, business is good but I'm at my wits end. The Mrs has left me, I haven't slept for 6 nights now. I can't stop the bloody duck tap dancing. All day. All Night. Every Night. Tap tap tap tap bloody tap. It's killing me. It's torture.'

'Oh sh*t.' says the fella. 'I forgot to tell you how to make him stop.'

He picks the duck up, puts it under one arm, picks the tin up, stuffs it under the other arm, takes the lid off and blows out the candle.


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## Jonzjob (10 Oct 2017)

And who said that the old ones were the best ones?

:shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: 

If yer not careful I'll tell you about the bloke wot walked into an Irish pub with his giraffe. They sat in the corner of the bar, it was a high ceilinged place, and started boozing. After about 7 or 8 pints the giraffe let out a huge long throated sigh, well it would wouldn't it, and collapsed on the floor in a very long heap.

The bloke jumped to his feet and got quite angry and started shouting at the griaffe and then said sod it that was the last time he was going to take the dammed thing out boozing and started to walk out of the pub!

The landlord leaped out from behing the bar and asked the bloke where he was going? The bloke replied that he was sick and tired of the thing and he was going home!

The landlord said "no! You can't go and leave that lyin there!"

The bloke looked at him with a curious look and said "that's not a lion, it's a giraffe" and walked out.


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## Robbo3 (11 Oct 2017)

Sometimes

Sometimes...when you cry, no one sees your tears.

Sometimes...when you are in pain, no one sees your hurt.

Sometimes...when you are worried, no one sees your stress.

Sometimes...when you are happy, no one sees your smile.

But fart just ONE TIME!


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## Jonzjob (11 Oct 2017)

:shock: =D> =D> :lol: :lol:


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## Phil Pascoe (11 Oct 2017)

Robbo3":1u0ngfhf said:


> Sometimes
> 
> Sometimes...when you cry, no one sees your tears.
> 
> ...



That reminds me of the joke about Stavros, who lived on a small Greek island. 
He had a beautiful olive grove and smallholding, he was a great builder, cabinet maker, boatbuider. He was in the bar one night when a tourist started to talk to him, and asked his name. I'm Stavros the ....... well, Im the best farmer on the island and do they call me Stavros the farmer? No. I grow the best olives. Do they call me Stavros the olive grower? No. I build the best houses and make the best furniture. Do they call me Stavros the builder or Stavros the cabinet maker? No. I build the best boats. Do they call me Stavros the boat builder? No. .......... but one sheep, just one...


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## gwaithcoed (11 Oct 2017)

Chap walks in to a bar with a set of jump leads hanging around his neck.

The barman looks at him and says " Yes I'll serve you but don't start bloody well anything"

Alan


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## NazNomad (11 Oct 2017)

I tried to get through to the tinnitus helpline earlier but it just kept ringing.


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## Cordy (5 Nov 2017)

I wrote to that posh MP about pollution.

It began

"Dear Jacob, re smog......"


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## cutting42 (9 Nov 2017)

phil.p":17vi09xo said:


> Dyslexics lure, KO!



Dyslexics of the world...... Untie


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## Bill Derr (9 Nov 2017)

How about the dyslexic, atheist insomniac - he stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.


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## AES (9 Nov 2017)

Thanks for that one Bill, I love 'orrible puns n that one really had me giggling.

AES


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## dynax (9 Nov 2017)

Happiness is like peeing in your pants,
everyone can see it,
but only you can feels it's warmth,


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## graduate_owner (9 Nov 2017)

Life is a bit like a pubic hair on the side of a toilet bowl. Sooner or later you know you are going to get cheesed off, and $hat on.

K


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## NazNomad (11 Nov 2017)

I rubbed herbs in my eyes earlier... Now I'm parsley sighted.


Went out last night and drank 10 pints of yoghurt... I was Müllered.


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## Cordy (11 Nov 2017)

Chuckle


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## whiskywill (14 Nov 2017)

A white horse walked into a pub. The landlord said " We've got a whisky named after you." The horse replied "What, Eric?"


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## NazNomad (14 Nov 2017)

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks, then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him, "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus," says the barman.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the barman.
"The circus?" the duck asks again “with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. .
"What on earth would they want with a plasterer??!"


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## Claymore (14 Nov 2017)

=D> =D> :lol: did he tell the barman to put it on his bill? :roll:


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## Cordy (29 Nov 2017)

"What's your name?"

"Dave Bleedin' Smith"

"Do you suffer from Tourette's, Dave?"

"No, but the Vicar at my Christening did"


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## Cordy (13 Dec 2017)

I opened my electric bill at the same time as I opened my water bill.

Needless to say, I was shocked!


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